@QueenShiva1920 Understood. But in reading all the comments, I'm seeing a great deal of externalization for an internal choice. Those choices should probably also be examined.. cheers!
@@Seevawonderloaf Agree/ Exactly; that’s what my comment was about. Nothing much is/ should really be That ‘isolated. That’s where we go unbearably backwards- segregation of roles, opportunities, & experience.
My boyfriend is amazing about mental load and emotional labor. When he knows I'm going to have a stressful work week, he plans ahead that he will cook or secure dinner for several days of that week. He reaches out to friends and family on his own-- he's even asked me how long it's been since I've checked in with one of my friends. He was just asking me if he needs to get my sister a Christmas present this year and what she would like. It's October. He's the first man I've seen really do this kind of work and think these kind of thoughts, and it's so awesome! ❤❤❤
Do you find that you find you can let that go though? My wife struggles to do that. I take it on but she still carries that mental load even though it's all taken care of.
do you also find that he is able to deal with you mental load in a way that meets your personal expectations? For example, is he making sure to cook dinner specifically the way you want/need it to be done, or just generally helping you in a way that actually helps you and doesn’t cause you further stress because you have to fix his unintentional mistakes?
@@catfromtrigun There are 2 considerations here: one is his actual level of competence, and one is my ability to let go of things being "a certain way". My boyfriend works as a senior chemical engineer and runs a science lab. He's extremely competent. He can totally fold laundry, cook a meal, or buy hand soap without burning down the house or getting something that would flare up my exzema. If he makes a mistake or ruins something, he is also competent enough to fix it within his own handling of the task. Just like me, if he burns dinner beyond repair, he will clean it up and order pizza (that's happened). If he put bleach in the laundry when he's not supposed to, he would give me money to replace damages or take me shopping (that's never happened, but I know he would). Now, for my own self-imposed criteria: if the task gets accomplished and nothing gets damaged or is actively dangerous, I count it as a win. I refuse to do tasks a second time or finish things for him. If it's messy while he's doing it, I trust his process and that he'll clean up after himself (he always does). If it looks sloppy after he's finished, I say thanks for doing it and then only move the items in the wrong place when I use them next. If I notice he hung a bathroom hand towel in the kitchen, I take it as a reminder that the distinction is a social construct anyway 😂 I lived and worked in a refugee camp in India for a year. After that, "the way I like it," is pretty flexible. Also, in my experience, the more I accept what my boyfriend does and just say thank you, the more he participates and, with practice, the more sophisticated his process becomes. We've been together 3 years. His handling of this type of stuff gets better every year, as mine does too.
When men say “I’m not a mind reader,” I feel like it’s referring to cognitive load. Which is usually why women will counter that argument with things like “if he wanted to he would.” Both statements at their surface are very accusatory but highlight the fact that women are socialized to be this way and man usually are not.
Time Marks (not with too much effort) 5:56 Start 7:59 Dr Aragam shows and talk starts 16:18 How narratives take us to depression/trauma 20:02 Difference between men and women 30:00 Cognitive Load 39:16 When is a problem and how to work it 53:00 From negative to positive 1:00:08 Love, Responsability and Sacrifice 1:06:51 Unhealty Relationships and changing enviroment 1:11:51 How to challenge the risk 1:15:38 Expectations 1:22:32 Summary from DrK 1:29:52 QA Asking for help (guiltiness) 1:38:07 QA How to communicate mental load 1:46:19 QA Anger on mental load and expectations 1:54:35 QA burnout on mental load between genders 2:06:30 QA Educating opressor on your situation 2:18:15 QA+ How to react to poor reaction of the other one 2:26:06 Ending
I'm a 36 y/o black woman-I know I'm not the target for this channel but I've been a subscriber for a while and honestly this video made me feel much more welcome to this space
I'm a 24 year old black woman and this channel has done wonders for me personally in matters of productivity and mental health, I think as long as you can relate and gain tangible value from a channel/ source you can consider yourself part of the target demographic
Haha. The whole red light story resonates so much! I was 13. My mom was driving. We got hit because someone ran a red light. I am 32, and to this day I check the opposite direction when the light turns green or when a crosswalk says go. Because in my brain, when something negative happens even when it’s not my fault, there must have been something I could have done to prevent it. So even though it wasn’t our fault and I wasn’t driving I immediately jumped to the story of “why didn’t I look at the traffic coming the other way so I could have warned my mom?” Yep. I’m excited to listen to the rest of the video! I’m only 20 minutes in.
whenever something negative happens its a good thing to think about what you could do to prevent it. Im a male and i relate to that aswell. but i have also learned to draw the line. There are somethings that are out of your control and thats the important part.
The car crash part of it resonated with me. And like you I thought if I had spoken up when I saw the issue then the driver wouldn’t have crashed us. And now I have so much anxiety in cars and can’t not mention if I notice something dangerous as a passenger. Because of this my husband get so annoyed and angry with me saying something every time
To be fair, that's a habit I feel everyone should adopt. I never understood how some people can cross the street with headphones blasting and eyes glued to their phone, without ever looking up.
Kudos to Dr. K. A year or two ago, he posted a video about not seeing the misogyny that women were pointing out in the HealthyGamer community. So many unhinged men in the comments section of that video proved those women's point, and ever since, I've noticed that he's made an effort to show more of the issues women face to his audience. Hopefully, these videos reach the men (and women) who need to see them.
maybe we got this way because we pitted men and women against eachother, rather than being on the same team, so men and women help eachother less and less and issues like these get worse for women and men stop sympathysing with women due to living in completely different worlds and beleiving they can't have problems in just the same vane that they can have. Do you think that might be plausible?
@@handlebar4520 I dont mean to be rude or generalize, but I just think a lot of guys lack empathy, and especially with the added strained mental health, and the fact that society tells them they are more then women and women are supposed to owe them (stuff like relationship) that would make anyone resentfu when they dont get itl. from what I know, if a woman is angry at men, usually thats cause they know how much women in the world are hurt by their hands :/ which makes it hard to empathize with the public on a less personal level.
@@sallijunttila3006 Saying all men lack empathy is a generalisation that itself lacks empathy. If I make a comparable generalisation, and blame any issues between the sexes on women's lack of empathy or accountability or communication you'd dismiss me as a mysoginist. "society tells them they are more then women and women are supposed to owe them (stuff like relationship)" Take it from a man, society does not tell us this. This is a misconception in some woman centric echo chambers.
@@sallijunttila3006the problem here is that you're seeing only one part of a wider issue. It's absolutely true that men have less empathy for women's struggles than women, but that's because we tend to empathize with people with similar struggles to us. Men often feel like many women lack empathy for their own struggles too We need to understand other people more and to have an open mind
@@bdnnijs192 from every interaction I've had with men and women, I've witnessed women having a much higher level of empathy a lot of the time, not always, but often, so thats just my personal observation, and there's probably many factors to why that is, one being that the world does villainize femininity
Seeing Dr. K interact with someone who he calls a friend is so nice to see. And thank you for covering this topic. It has really helped me see things about my own relationships more clearly as a bisexual woman
As an ADHD woman I always said I wanted a man who was “a self starter”. Looking back I think it’s because I knew I was bad at cognitive load mgmt. I ended up w a man who had an ADHD mother and was a self starter with lower standards for a woman’s work. lol. There’s someone out there for everyone. 😂
I'm a male college student who works, has ADHD, and has an incredibly difficult time taking on more cognitive load after getting home from work/school. I hope you're right and there's someone out there that's okay with more traditional gender roles. I can work 12+ hours a day, but trying to load the dishwasher physically hurts my brain🤣. I was grateful she defended us ADHDers😁.
Great discussion Only caveat is that leading with gratitude in itself can be more cognitive load and cause more distress if not authentic ..sometime you just have to say that what someone is asking of you is not your responsibility and you feel taken advantage of. Plain and simply..otherwise you risk being inauthentic again, just to people please. Say what you need to say. The authenticity is what decreases the cognitive load. Leading with gratitude when that isn’t how you feel is lying and will make you feel worse. There is a risk of doubling down on sexism here. Men are not culturally expected to lead with gratitude when they set personal boundaries. They set them and we must honour them. Women need to feel free to do this also, without gratitude if they don’t authentically feel it.
Dr. Aragam was amazing! Loved hearing her perspective on this topic. Also enjoyed the overlap with people pleasing and low self esteem, some great takeaways there.
I am a woman who is weirdly hypo-sensitive to whether I’m not being demure, shy, apologetic, agreeable, or if I’m acquiescing enough… While many women might work hard to achieve this for me it is something I was just born with. I will tell you- as much as other women want to get to a place where they don’t give a “F” about other people’s projections or expectations there is a downside to it. I have caught so much heat in my life just for going after what I want, not apologizing, not people pleasing, not being quiet, having opinions, and speaking my mind. There is a trade off. People want women to be agreeable. I’m not not agreeable, I’m equally disagreeable and I have suffered a lot of attacks for falling short of this expectation.
1:00:39 It is quite painful that I love my parents and I sacrifice my childhood in order to keep my adult in harmony. I burned myself for their lack of responsibility. Now my love for them has changed. i love them but they need to be responsible for their own life. No wonder whenever I am about to enter the relationship I want to run away. Relationship for me meaning that taking responsibility of other people. How can I take theirs and take mine and be happy enough? it is impossible. The perception of what is love needs to change.
Maybe setting more boundaries in relationships would help for you. You carry only what you're able to. Plus in a healthy relationship, responsibilities are always shared. If they truly care, they'd respect your boundaries, and will even help you out :> Wish you the best, buddy
A concept I have found useful in meeting this challenge is the idea of interdependence. An interdependent person being one who is able to generally handle themselves in an independent way, but can also build bridges and relationships with other people in order to complete bigger projects than either person could on their own Interdependence helps one see the difference between cooperation and dependence. And there are other interdependent people out there looking for an equal partner rather than a parent. They're not necessarily good at all the same chores or parts of a relationship, but they make an effort to get better and take on their share of the load. Where they are consistently bad or really dislike at some share of the load they can instead try to compensate by taking on the entirety of a part they're less awful at or dislike less. This leads to an end result of both partners having to shoulder less of the load they find most frustrating, leading both people's lives ato be easier and the load for both to be less than it was when they lived independently. Finding oneself in a relationship that actually makes life genuinely easier can be a novel and even surprising experience as one doubts on some level that it's even happening until the day they come home and realize dinner is both planned and ready and all the dishes have been put away and the laundry time is already booked and all you have left is the stuff only you can solve, and it's after dinner is done and a nap that you now have time for. A nap that you even living alone would usually not have had time for.
think of it this way, in any relationship if you support someone you can think of yourself as a "support beam" holding them up, making them able to reach new hights. now think of you trying to stop that and do something else... the other person will be confused why the are not reaching new hights any longer and will be mad/frustrated. you need to find out if you benefit form the new hights achieved by the other person or not.
Dang how do you even get to the point of shouldering the cognitive load (to an appropriate level, not taking on so much that it becomes a problem)? I have no concept of what I’m supposed to do to maintain relationships, can’t remember what needs to be done in my own house (and even my own body- I remember to brush my teeth twice a day and that’s about it), knowing what to help others with without them asking, etc. I can’t see “doing too much of the work” ever being my problem just because of my gender. Like I’m being told that “society expects this of me because I’m a girl” but that doesn’t teach it to me. Where am I supposed to learn it from? If society supposedly wants me to do certain things, why doesn’t society tell me what to do and teach me the skill it wants me to have?? lmao. If anything my parents were TOO responsible because they did all the work without me even realizing they were doing work. Maybe you need to describe to your kids what all you’re doing so they’re at least aware that these are things they’ll need to keep track of when they grow up
A guy here but solidly you sound not to be in position unclear if you want that role of shouldering load, I think a solid step is get a hold of your own share of work apologise curtly not profusely if you don't match a percived expectation and once you have your stuff down pat then expand. Good rule of thumb if it takes almost zero effort or cost do so freely, any higher than that make sure it is an active choice, if you can't say no then it is not a choice. Have a wonderful day!
If you want to try and think through a lot of the day to day decisions needed to run a life, there is a great resource called 'Fair Play'. It has a set of cards of all kinds of different household responsibilities, and you discuss, and divide them up between, the folks in your household. I think it's an interesting exercise, whether you are living with family, roommates, or a partner.
This is really interesting because I know many guys who have felt that same “I need to know this but nobody will teach me” feeling. It’s good that this is so relatable between genders, if we would only talk about it more.
I as a guy had/have similar issues as well. I wish my parents did less for me, strangely. I learned to cook, clean, do laundry, etc far too late in life. I never really was taught to fix things either, and I wish I was. It's normal for a young kid not to know how to do these things very well, it sucks when you're in your late teens/twenties learning those for the first time when it seems everyone else already did. Thankfully I've started to do a lot of this stuff for myself though, but it takes a ton of work.
This was such an awesome conversation, I know that a lot of people can relate across genders to issues of cognitive load and managing parentification, thank you so much!!
The idea that safety and familiarity are often not the same thing actually blew my mind, I’ve never heard that said out loud before but I think I needed to.
I'm currently planning a fashion walk event with a team, and the work is basically the same as described for everyday "cognitive load". "If this person comes, then that one can't" "Order special food for this person" "What is the bathroom door width? bc this guest's weelchair has to pass" "How can we give a special placement to this brand's products without the others being jealous?" It's complicated cronograms and making sure the 200 people involved are happy
How do I deal with... ummm, everything all the time, my responsibilities and everyone else's and a zillion problems I didn't ask for and can't afford? Poorly, that's how. I'm losing what's left of my mind. F the world.
when you say everyone else’s problems do you mean your close family, friends, coworkers? Is it possible (literally) to focus more on yourself and detach responsibility for other people’s lives? For me, I used to make everyone else’s problems my own and the side effect of that is I neglected my own issues. This lead to medical, emotional, and life problems that I didnt deal with and was honestly ill-equipped to do so. Through therapy and putting in the work I learned to be more selfish and focus on me. It is a balance though, it is obviously ok to help others but if it’s taking over your life then it’s not healthy for you.
here might be the list: 1. Good relationship with yourself 2. Good relationship with your partner 3. Taking care of kids needs (if any) 3. Work , 4. Parents if they need help. The rest can wait.
From time to time, it is great to disconnect and get some alone time. It’s exhausting trying to comfort and motivate everyone (I’m a teacher and a mother of three). People now are so sensitive but lack empathy. They expect comprehension from others but give close to none of it.
I'm still struggling with this but can offer what I've done so far: I'm married, no kids. Even as a teen I somehow wound up as everyone's therapist and it's continued into my 30s. At work it's been a very genuine problem. At the time I was one of 2 women in my department which only compounded the problem I felt like everyone's mom in the worst way. I somehow got the burden of everyone's personal lives as well as making sure everyone got their work done (even though I wasn't an authority figure) and somehow if someone else was deficient, it somehow was my problem. I'm not great at setting boundaries and the pressure at work is immense. I found out that my most hated supervisor was transferring to my department again and I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I nearly quit but remembered I could try to transfer to another location. I put in for it and it was accepted! Now I'm with a much smaller team and I was able to "start over" and know this time around to not take on that extra nonsense. It's helped in many ways. My husband is overall pretty good but still has some things I'd change, but reducing my work mental load has at least given me more bandwidth and patience for dealing with what we need to work on.
The example of a child standing up for their parent and that becoming a burdensome sense of responsibility as an adult.... Man. That made me cry a lot. That was my life for a long time, and in many ways, it still is. I never heard it framed this way, and it makes perfect sense as to why I care so little about myself. It's because I've abandoned who I am. Wow...... Wow....
That was awesome. Thank you so much for doing this ❤ It was the first time that I've learned that walking on eggshells around my ex boyfriend's explosive anger was an abuse. It was and I've finally allowed myself to be angry about it.
It's hard for women who had no modeling in maintaining relationships for the children to ensure their inclusion and who were ostracized as children themselves.
I was as well. If we were acquaintances, I would tell you so much more about being ostracized and then the cognitive load of not having children. There’s something said here about the color of grass, or other 💛
As an autistic person, i sadly understand and relate too much to being told the story of who i am. So i get it, but i'm pretty sure i'm still oblivious to the many different things women are told to be. Which hopefully the rest of the video will shine some light on. Hope everyone can rewrite these terreibly wrong storys that they have and are being told.
I relate. I recently I told a very old and dear friend that I'm autistic, she immediately said "No you're not!", and doubled down when I told her I'd gotten an actual diagnosis! I've had one other person do this, but she wasn't someone I knew so I blew it off. Being told you're being silly or lying hurts even more when you hear it from people you care about who should know better.
Im a single, only child, woman with no children pets or plants..i dont think i have it in me to process that amount of mental load. I've always been moderately go with the flow/type B
@@obnoxint I don't think it is aesthetic, I think they're calling it "women perspective" because statistically speaking, this is the experience of a woman more often than a man. While I personally don't love the language (and I'm a woman), I think that calling it "aesthetic" is really missing the point
@@IHasLegs2 Totally agree with that. I get where they’re coming from as well and not thrilled by the language choice but it does statistically make sense. It’s more like a Homemakers perspective vs a Wage Earners perspective and creating a healthy dynamic between them so they both feel appreciated and the total workload is equitable
Great episode! I have personally found Internal Family Systems to be a really powerful way to get in touch with my authentic self and start separating from old messages I may have absorbed over time. It lets you recognize and understand the different “parts” of yourself - like the part that feels it has to keep everyone happy, or the part that steps in to protect others. These parts often come from past experiences or connections we made early on, like feeling responsible for protecting a parent, which can turn into a belief that you’re responsible for protecting everyone. IFS helps you see that these roles aren’t the real you; they’re just patterns you picked up. So by giving these parts a chance to relax, you can let go of what isn’t yours to carry and find more freedom to be yourself without all the exhaustion of emotional labor.
2:03:26 that‘s a very big point. If you give the responsibility for a task over to another person they also get to decide how they are to fulfil that responsibility, within reason ofc.
I disagree. Does “mental load” take into account a husband’s struggles with work, and what goes into making most of the household income? Or is that just taken for granted.
@@laurelgardnerboth parents work, but the man is still the primary earner. If a wife loses their job, the average household can still survive on the husband’s salary. Usually doesn’t work the other way around.
@NeverSarcasticMan interesting. All the women i know either make the same as or more than their husband's. Maybe your thoughts are from the 60s... In today's world jobs are available for men and women. Maybe you envision women only working as an admin assistant? 😊 Women make just as much as men in 2024.
It’s inspiring to see that even someone as knowledgeable as Dr.K doing efforts to understand more different aspects, perspectives and subjects! Dr. Aragam seems like an amazing professional, so intelligent and knowledgeable as well! Great content
This also came to a very great time in my life, trying to put some boundaries with my mother who didn’t respect me much while growing up, it’s definitely scary dealing with the fear and guilt!
1:22:41 this here was pretty huge indeed. To me, "starting with gratitude" seemed like a little trick to get the other person to react in the way you want them to, but if the goal is to not care about what ithers will say, why bother filtering your words so they feel better? But indeed, its not about them, its about you, finding positive in your situation. Its about you choosing to appreciate the positives AND at the same time work on dealing eith the negatives. It helps you create a balance in your life, one that didnt exist before bc you were always the doormat. Instead of exploding in the completely other direction and saying "Big ol F you World", you try to find the balance so that YOU are healthy. Thats pretty interesting.
The only way for mental load problem for women to subside, is for men to step up and carry some of that load. we all have responsibilities but the load has been disproportionately affecting women...because society places too much responsibility on women to take care of the families needs...where in reality it should be everyone's responsibility! Share the load! It is the healthy thing to anticipate other peoples needs and ask for help when you need it.
A lot of what I'm reading are things men deal with also, or simply don't care about. A lot of what I'm reading are self-imposed burdens. Externalizing the difficulty of your choices isn't particularly fair, is it?
the problem is that we always have to ask, because the other doesn't care/ doesn't see/ doesn't think it is important or whatever weaponized incompetence they will want to use this time. Men will say women do a lot of things they don't need to do. Yet if it isn't done, it accumulates, or someone will suffer. Women have empathy and think about consequences, which is why we do things, or don't do them. So many women stay in abusive relationships to protect their children. They only allow themselves to leave when they know the children will be safe.
@kifi672 If you had roomates in college, it's likely there was a variety of cleanliness for each roomate. If one person has a high threshold of preferred cleanliness, they will find themselves cleaning all the time, or annoyed all the time. The person with the lowest tolerance suffers the situation the most. Men are more shaped to be tolerance entities.
@@1Plebeian What are some of these unreasonable "self-imposed burdens" that you've seen discussed? Most of the examples in the video (for example, taking out the trash each week, planning meal and grocery schedules, organizing events for your kids) seem pretty reasonable to me.
@@benthomas9776 women feel the need to keep up with what their friends do, much more than what I see in men. It can be exhausting and I see it as sort of self imposed. Especially if children are involved. Then the list just keep getting longer. I worked with a woman that was always exhausted from this, hubby tried to help but didnt do it exactly how she wanted, so she still ended up doing the thing.
Excellent content, albeit often hard to understand because of dr. Agaram's fast pace and use of fillers. Thank you dr. K. for inviting great speakers and summarizing/rephrasing their points for us.
Great insight into disillusionment of narratives, and embodying what you want/authentic to you vs an overemphasis on what is in the realm of efficaciousness/possibility/what works. Involves a distancing from what the person you are interacting with's reaction is. I.e., not let their response be an excuse for not advocating for yourself
I think I have a very good sense of what is and isn't in my control/responsibility. The problem lies in the other parties. When they see their narc aunt being jealous, they don't tell the aunt to "quit being jealous and quit picking fights". Instead, they go and tell me "what is with you that make people (implying EVERYONE else, not just that 1 narc aunt) dislike you?" when literally everyone is in love with me, except that 1 aunt. Stop spinning to problem into my problem, when it's clearly a you problem. Grow up.
If you're jealous and insecured that people love me and not you, then it's a you problem. CLEARLY. It's super manipulative to try to spin it and make me the problem. Try to convince the judges in court that. Good luck!
I agree that an insecured person's reaction has very little to do with me. If someone is already jealous with me, they're going to find any opportunity possible to find faults in me, and talk sheet about me to others. If they can't find faults, they will create faults. They will sabotage me. They do this to anyone they are jealous of - their sisters, their children's gf / spouse, random neighbors, etc. Their behaviors are not reflection of me or my behaviors, even if they try super hard to say otherwise. Anyone who have dealt with narcissistic people know this very well. Just get fudged once and you will remember that type of trash for the rest of your existence. You will be able to spot them easily.
I can't do mental load, so I have parties with max 2 friends +/- husband now. Or 1 +/- husband. 4 people at one time and we're entering dangerous territory!
Timestamp: 1:23:27 It's no longer about transaction. It's about the power of the self, without expectation of outcome. Finally understanding and executing on advocating for yourself. Appreciate the conversation, clarity, and content both of you!
I loved the comment section on these videos about men’s mental health, I’m a mum of teen/preteen boys so find the videos about men’s mental health very interesting, but as soon as women are involved the dismissive comments begin...
This very much so hurt me to see, fully agree with you here. I feel that so much of this channel provides a much-needed platform for men to feel heard and seen for their struggles, and the few times that there are content pieces made for women, men scramble to ensure that their struggles are still seen, which echoes the creation of the Men's Rights movement as a backlash to the feminism movement(s). It's this type of behavior that alienates the genders - I wish people could just listen and try to be compassionate! It's not a zero sum game - one gender gaining rights is better for EVERYONE, not just that gender! This channel has been so great for me to understand better where men are coming from, and to not be dismissive of the things that cause them suffering. I'd love it if I didn't have to hold emotional space for men as well when reading comment sections on videos that are supposed to be about giving space for women to feel seen.
As a man I am sorry for this and must admit this is true! It shouldnt be that way and believe me men can have empathy for women. Its just difficult for them to show right now. I actually dont want to change the subject from womens topics again though!
I'm impressed with how long that stick of incense lasted in the background. Didn't even notice it there until a minute or so before it went out around the 1:27:30 mark.
Thank you again for your thoughtful and well thought-out content. This generated a very thoughtful discussion between my husband and I, not only for us but how we see these things in our own mothers.
1:22:14 also, if the girl has this conversation with their mom what‘s been said will have an effect on what going on in the mom‘s mind afterwards and it‘s not impossible that she comes around over time. Whatever has been said can take root in the heads of the respective parties of the conversation. Doesn‘t have to but can for sure.
This old lady needed this discussion. Explains why I'm only okay away from people I feel an obligation and/or love for. The only time I can be me. Well.... as much as my cat allows😅
Men getting offended here.... 🤔 YOUR JOB AS BREADWINNER IS IMPORTANT TOO. It's stressful and hard. Each relationship is different, but for the most part, women are geared towards taking the mental organization of the home and it can be exhausting. It takes up our energy. That's why we might not have all the physical aspects perfect in the house. Just acknowledge that. If you can't understand what cognitive load looks like, ask your wife to write a list of everything in her head. It's a lot.
My wife and I had conversations about this. I take on some of her cognitive load but even thought I do she still carries it mentally even thought I've taken care of it. There was a time where I felt is was her feeling I was incompetent to it. Yet I've done it 25 years. In talking that not her thinking at all. It just it one her mind still and she doesn't know how to let it go. She has tons of other things on mind too so it would be good to let that one two thing I'm taking on go.
Man here, I’m pretty good at emotional labor and have been getting over a caretaker identity I’m still rather fond of, but now I see the utility of taking on more cognitive load to improve my life. It is an honor to learn from a master. I’m kinda shocked and saddened to hear some men don’t know these life skills and it falls on the shoulders of the women in their lives.
I related a lot to the cognitive load examples she gave for women, because I am generally the one who looks after everyone emotionally as well as physically, while she likes to plan things.
1:12-1:20 is GOLD. it doesn't necessarily hit on the topic of women's cognitive load, but it is so insightful. if you watch any piece of this video, please watch this!
I dont really understand how these things arent also obvious to other people. Maybe bc ive been conditioned to always try to understand men, its easier for me to empathise and understand the issues and narratives that are forced on them, and the troubles they are forced to deal with. And most importantly im always actively trying to learn more about it. But i dont understand how someone cant know the simple experiences of women. Of course its a political experience to change your own narrative about your life. Its feminism. Ofc mental load is a thing, cant you see it? Its pretty bizarre to me. My closest friends are also men and they understand this stuff cause its so obvious to them. Cause in the end we are all just humans. So it makes me sad that more people dont just learn this stuff as they grow up and learn about life.
I don’t love the book ‘Walking on Eggshells’ as someone who was formerly diagnosed with BPD, but ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ blew me away.
Please reduce the ads, the number of interuptions is insane! I cant focus on the talk.....my concentration keeps being interupted every 5 minutes by ads.... its a shame....i will give up on listening...
1:30:00 asking for more help with housework. What I've always recommended /seen recommended, is that thes is to be approached as a team. Decide together, firt of all, what needs to be done. (Rather than dictating and assuming the odher gersin shares the same values and expectations). And from there talk togethr about hiw it's going to be done. (Again, not dictating ) What I see done wrong a lot et: One person deciding what needs to be done, rhile dhe other doesn't share the sehtiment. And ohe persin deciding who is going to do what/how much/when, and even if there's a "cohcersatiin" it's basically them dictating and assnating controlbocer the other. The other then ends up being nadgnd for something they didn't consent to nor have a say in, while they decider feels they aren't pulling their weight. Which is a very common, but poor dynamic.
Trying to get down the gratitude narrative could be w mother. What I was about to say in my head felt incredibly positive, and then the words came.. I appreciate that you thought I was strong enough to not require social interaction, fairness or love. The skills I learned from that ensure I can endure... I think I'll need a new draft. I do love the method and thought process.
Even if men have a higher immune response when sick, I have my period every month and I'm still expected to show up. I would just look out for the response you get when you request support because for any reason you're feeling down. Does it go both ways? Regarding those 'leading with grace' conversations, where you would talk someone regardless of how they will react. It feels self-serving to have a conversation where you don't care about how the other person responds. If the point isn't to effect change, why have the talk at all?
Because at least you've informed them where they need to change. People aren't mind readers. Many fights end up with "Well, why didn't you *tell* me this?!"
I think the meaning of this conversation is that the goal is to give a person courage to even fathom trying to communciate their needs AT ALL. Some people will continue their cognitive load, become burdened, become resentful, become full of guilt, and wither away without ever being heard, AND THEN BE TOLD “oh well you never said to me that you needed x,y,z. I didn’t know” and that FURTHER burdens the person with needs with shame. To communicate needs takes Courage; to make a sound to try communicating needs *regardless*, not in spite of, but *regardless* of how people may typically feel and/ or REACT with shame, reject, put downs, or ignoring the person’s needs anyways. At least the communicator gave themself a platform to literally vocalize their needs into the world.
1:29:13 exactly. Because maybe you want to build your own life AND still feel loved by your mom. If you expect her to deny you what you need and therefore don‘t ever ask for it you for sure will never get what you really want. If you ask there is at least a chance.
Milan Studnička: Harmonious relationship, the switch method communication technique, look at the world with eyes of your partner. The switch method has several points, for example communicate without emotions and presure, be curious about partner, ask topics, with a calm voice etc the good thing is you dint have to agree with everything, just listen the perspectiv eof other people, because we are affected by 6 generations. we dont know the childhood of people and their traditions and ideas It seems this way people unlearn the blocks from childhood, and wrong habits.
So….weird question. What if the person is scared to leave because their sibling has been physically violent towards them? And what if they’re scared that, if they leave, their sibling’s violence will be redirected towards their mother due to past precedent? In that case, leaving physically endangers their parents, especially if the parents refuse to address the sibling’s violent tendencies. In that case, the “responsibility” is physically protecting their parents. What’s the right approach to that situation? Like…how do you protect your parents in that scenario?
Please seek out your local domestic violence shelter because they can give you better information than anyone in the comments can. You are not obligated to endure violence on any level. Get out safely
I spent 9 years "protecting" others from the physical violence of my ex. In retrospect, I do not feel like it was worth it, as my inaction shielded the abuser from consequences for their abuse. I would contact a domestic violence hotline for your area, explain your situation, and ask them for options. If the violence is physical, you should call the police and they may help you leave and protect both yourself and your parents from any physical threat.
@noellemarievie yeah it's not your job to protect your parents from your sibling. They are the parents, even if they can't cope it's not your responsibility. Leave, if you're afraid call the authorities.
but the external persons reaction is in 95% of cases something that costs you money, manpower, rights, opportunities or gets physically very dangerous to you, why would you throw that ressources out of the window on purpose? you might get into a terrible place for years if you do that
I've never thought of this as a concept before. I just thought it was "becoming an adult", and that I just wasn't meant to handle it well, or something. I think i can be a bit more optimistic about it now? I think i'll try at least 😊
Hey first time watcher here, loved the video but just a bit of unsolicited constructive criticism, I think the intro is a bit too long and confusing. A friend sent me this video and I had no idea what I was watching for the first 6 mintues
That’s the live stream intro, allowing people to trickle in in real-time, but I agree, they should chop that out if possible, or put a note on the screen (or in the comments) to skip forward once the video is published and not streaming live
Haven't watched it all yet, but whenever Dr K talks about societal impact, expectations etc. I cannot relate. I feel like there was no expectations from me, my parents were a bit neglectful and didn't ask for almost anything (and it was not fun), but I never felt the external pressure to be something. Anyone can relate?
I get it, in some sense, as i had to navigate this when I was younger. That's how i former a more stable sense of self. But I also see the confusion because.. I think it's different for us in a manner.
Can a woman have more problems with anxiety and health anxiety OCD when they are peri, meno, or post menopausal? Meaning more symptoms than what doctors really know. How does menopause affect women mentally?
Me too-sometimes the ways guys like us think can actually be more in line with the way women do (on average). It’s less a gender thing than it is a self-critical or agreeable personality thing
@_whoknows462 yeah I grew up agreeable and I'm getting more disagreeable cause sometimes being agreeable just ain't healthy unless everyone else around you is you know I think that's what people are talking about when they say men are like this or women are like that no some are and it's probably do to their social status in familial and civil contexts. Because to get along with people, you need to be agreeable, but also to get along with people in other ways, you need to be disagreeable.
@_whoknows462 I think even Dr. k might be like us too, even though he said the average dude would be like that. Maybe he wouldn't be exactly like us after his spiritual munk mode stuff, though
2:06:30 Just a couple minutes LOL Also I don't think this question was regarding any specific situation like they interpreted other than just wanting to bring up patriarchy talking points If this is about a specific situation, please ignore. If it is about wanting to educate those around you who do not take it as seriously as you would like, I would say that this is valid anger that you probably want to work through and process in a healthy way as this is out of your control. I like the advice at 1:48:20 for this. Anyways, really cool conversation, I will definitely have to check out her podcast
Check out Dr.A's Podcast- www.senseofselfpod.com and on Instagram @sense.of.self.pod
Thank you for sharing!
Mental load: Knowing how much milk and coffee we have in the house so that I know if I need to buy more, when I don't drink either milk or coffee.
Exactly 😂
And then multiple that by a 1,000 different minute and major decisions.
@@QueenShiva1920 or you could not.
@@1Plebeian I appreciate the sentiment and agree that would be ideal, but it's an oversimplified solution to a complex problem.
@QueenShiva1920 Understood. But in reading all the comments, I'm seeing a great deal of externalization for an internal choice. Those choices should probably also be examined.. cheers!
I love that Dr. K is starting to have more content for women!
Yes~ & the male understanding & involvement in the growth process; equally relevant/ valuable ❤
I agree but I’d say that it is for everyone bc men and women need to live together and understand each other 😊
@@Seevawonderloaf Agree/ Exactly; that’s what my comment was about. Nothing much is/ should really be That ‘isolated. That’s where we go unbearably backwards- segregation of roles, opportunities, & experience.
My boyfriend is amazing about mental load and emotional labor.
When he knows I'm going to have a stressful work week, he plans ahead that he will cook or secure dinner for several days of that week. He reaches out to friends and family on his own-- he's even asked me how long it's been since I've checked in with one of my friends.
He was just asking me if he needs to get my sister a Christmas present this year and what she would like. It's October.
He's the first man I've seen really do this kind of work and think these kind of thoughts, and it's so awesome! ❤❤❤
Do you find that you find you can let that go though? My wife struggles to do that. I take it on but she still carries that mental load even though it's all taken care of.
do you also find that he is able to deal with you mental load in a way that meets your personal expectations? For example, is he making sure to cook dinner specifically the way you want/need it to be done, or just generally helping you in a way that actually helps you and doesn’t cause you further stress because you have to fix his unintentional mistakes?
@@catfromtrigun There are 2 considerations here: one is his actual level of competence, and one is my ability to let go of things being "a certain way".
My boyfriend works as a senior chemical engineer and runs a science lab. He's extremely competent. He can totally fold laundry, cook a meal, or buy hand soap without burning down the house or getting something that would flare up my exzema. If he makes a mistake or ruins something, he is also competent enough to fix it within his own handling of the task. Just like me, if he burns dinner beyond repair, he will clean it up and order pizza (that's happened). If he put bleach in the laundry when he's not supposed to, he would give me money to replace damages or take me shopping (that's never happened, but I know he would).
Now, for my own self-imposed criteria: if the task gets accomplished and nothing gets damaged or is actively dangerous, I count it as a win. I refuse to do tasks a second time or finish things for him. If it's messy while he's doing it, I trust his process and that he'll clean up after himself (he always does). If it looks sloppy after he's finished, I say thanks for doing it and then only move the items in the wrong place when I use them next. If I notice he hung a bathroom hand towel in the kitchen, I take it as a reminder that the distinction is a social construct anyway 😂
I lived and worked in a refugee camp in India for a year. After that, "the way I like it," is pretty flexible.
Also, in my experience, the more I accept what my boyfriend does and just say thank you, the more he participates and, with practice, the more sophisticated his process becomes. We've been together 3 years. His handling of this type of stuff gets better every year, as mine does too.
That's rare. He's a keeper.
Sounds like an ESFJ haha or ESTJ
When men say “I’m not a mind reader,” I feel like it’s referring to cognitive load. Which is usually why women will counter that argument with things like “if he wanted to he would.” Both statements at their surface are very accusatory but highlight the fact that women are socialized to be this way and man usually are not.
Time Marks (not with too much effort)
5:56 Start
7:59 Dr Aragam shows and talk starts
16:18 How narratives take us to depression/trauma
20:02 Difference between men and women
30:00 Cognitive Load
39:16 When is a problem and how to work it
53:00 From negative to positive
1:00:08 Love, Responsability and Sacrifice
1:06:51 Unhealty Relationships and changing enviroment
1:11:51 How to challenge the risk
1:15:38 Expectations
1:22:32 Summary from DrK
1:29:52 QA Asking for help (guiltiness)
1:38:07 QA How to communicate mental load
1:46:19 QA Anger on mental load and expectations
1:54:35 QA burnout on mental load between genders
2:06:30 QA Educating opressor on your situation
2:18:15 QA+ How to react to poor reaction of the other one
2:26:06 Ending
Thank you 🙏
I'm a 36 y/o black woman-I know I'm not the target for this channel but I've been a subscriber for a while and honestly this video made me feel much more welcome to this space
I'm a 24 year old black woman and this channel has done wonders for me personally in matters of productivity and mental health, I think as long as you can relate and gain tangible value from a channel/ source you can consider yourself part of the target demographic
21 y/o black woman here great to see the gang out over here lol
i just considered it a men's channel for the longest time. I think it's very cool that he is branching out as well.
@@Sojiebee Yup. I've watched his videos for a while and hes so smart and informative so its great that hes branching out.
5:56 when it starts
@@TheUnholyLordClownz thanks
Perfect, thanks!
Thank you 😊
but the intro is such a W tho XD
@@joelbolduc3354 Not in this case though, the pre-stream here had content.
Dr K is doing the work needed to bring men and women together again by giving them common ground to empathise on. Keep up the good work!
Haha. The whole red light story resonates so much! I was 13. My mom was driving. We got hit because someone ran a red light. I am 32, and to this day I check the opposite direction when the light turns green or when a crosswalk says go. Because in my brain, when something negative happens even when it’s not my fault, there must have been something I could have done to prevent it.
So even though it wasn’t our fault and I wasn’t driving I immediately jumped to the story of “why didn’t I look at the traffic coming the other way so I could have warned my mom?” Yep.
I’m excited to listen to the rest of the video! I’m only 20 minutes in.
whenever something negative happens its a good thing to think about what you could do to prevent it. Im a male and i relate to that aswell. but i have also learned to draw the line. There are somethings that are out of your control and thats the important part.
The car crash part of it resonated with me. And like you I thought if I had spoken up when I saw the issue then the driver wouldn’t have crashed us. And now I have so much anxiety in cars and can’t not mention if I notice something dangerous as a passenger. Because of this my husband get so annoyed and angry with me saying something every time
To be fair, that's a habit I feel everyone should adopt. I never understood how some people can cross the street with headphones blasting and eyes glued to their phone, without ever looking up.
@@minortooth5744 common sense pretty much, no matter what look everywhere as much as you can.
Green means legal, it doesn't mean safe
Kudos to Dr. K.
A year or two ago, he posted a video about not seeing the misogyny that women were pointing out in the HealthyGamer community. So many unhinged men in the comments section of that video proved those women's point, and ever since, I've noticed that he's made an effort to show more of the issues women face to his audience. Hopefully, these videos reach the men (and women) who need to see them.
maybe we got this way because we pitted men and women against eachother, rather than being on the same team, so men and women help eachother less and less and issues like these get worse for women and men stop sympathysing with women due to living in completely different worlds and beleiving they can't have problems in just the same vane that they can have. Do you think that might be plausible?
@@handlebar4520 I dont mean to be rude or generalize, but I just think a lot of guys lack empathy, and especially with the added strained mental health, and the fact that society tells them they are more then women and women are supposed to owe them (stuff like relationship) that would make anyone resentfu when they dont get itl. from what I know, if a woman is angry at men, usually thats cause they know how much women in the world are hurt by their hands :/ which makes it hard to empathize with the public on a less personal level.
@@sallijunttila3006
Saying all men lack empathy is a generalisation that itself lacks empathy. If I make a comparable generalisation, and blame any issues between the sexes on women's lack of empathy or accountability or communication you'd dismiss me as a mysoginist.
"society tells them they are more then women and women are supposed to owe them (stuff like relationship)" Take it from a man, society does not tell us this. This is a misconception in some woman centric echo chambers.
@@sallijunttila3006the problem here is that you're seeing only one part of a wider issue. It's absolutely true that men have less empathy for women's struggles than women, but that's because we tend to empathize with people with similar struggles to us. Men often feel like many women lack empathy for their own struggles too
We need to understand other people more and to have an open mind
@@bdnnijs192 from every interaction I've had with men and women, I've witnessed women having a much higher level of empathy a lot of the time, not always, but often, so thats just my personal observation, and there's probably many factors to why that is, one being that the world does villainize femininity
"First of all, I am your friend" That was so wholesome, I immediately liked her.
Seeing Dr. K interact with someone who he calls a friend is so nice to see. And thank you for covering this topic. It has really helped me see things about my own relationships more clearly as a bisexual woman
As an ADHD woman I always said I wanted a man who was “a self starter”. Looking back I think it’s because I knew I was bad at cognitive load mgmt. I ended up w a man who had an ADHD mother and was a self starter with lower standards for a woman’s work. lol. There’s someone out there for everyone. 😂
I'm a male college student who works, has ADHD, and has an incredibly difficult time taking on more cognitive load after getting home from work/school. I hope you're right and there's someone out there that's okay with more traditional gender roles. I can work 12+ hours a day, but trying to load the dishwasher physically hurts my brain🤣. I was grateful she defended us ADHDers😁.
I want women like yours husband 😢😅
Thank you so much for this one ❤
Great discussion
Only caveat is that leading with gratitude in itself can be more cognitive load and cause more distress if not authentic ..sometime you just have to say that what someone is asking of you is not your responsibility and you feel taken advantage of. Plain and simply..otherwise you risk being inauthentic again, just to people please. Say what you need to say. The authenticity is what decreases the cognitive load.
Leading with gratitude when that isn’t how you feel is lying and will make you feel worse. There is a risk of doubling down on sexism here. Men are not culturally expected to lead with gratitude when they set personal boundaries. They set them and we must honour them. Women need to feel free to do this also, without gratitude if they don’t authentically feel it.
right. this whole conversation was extremely enraging as it could easily be titled "how to heal feminism" or "coping with misogyny".
Let's goo
(she's very good at explaining the way context and societal expectations can shape you)
(and Dr. K is very good at trying to listen and further "translate" for what people with different experiences might need)
Like her talking about how immigrants refuse to assimilate?
Dr. Aragam was amazing! Loved hearing her perspective on this topic. Also enjoyed the overlap with people pleasing and low self esteem, some great takeaways there.
I am a woman who is weirdly hypo-sensitive to whether I’m not being demure, shy, apologetic, agreeable, or if I’m acquiescing enough… While many women might work hard to achieve this for me it is something I was just born with. I will tell you- as much as other women want to get to a place where they don’t give a “F” about other people’s projections or expectations there is a downside to it. I have caught so much heat in my life just for going after what I want, not apologizing, not people pleasing, not being quiet, having opinions, and speaking my mind. There is a trade off. People want women to be agreeable. I’m not not agreeable, I’m equally disagreeable and I have suffered a lot of attacks for falling short of this expectation.
1:00:39 It is quite painful that I love my parents and I sacrifice my childhood in order to keep my adult in harmony. I burned myself for their lack of responsibility. Now my love for them has changed. i love them but they need to be responsible for their own life. No wonder whenever I am about to enter the relationship I want to run away. Relationship for me meaning that taking responsibility of other people. How can I take theirs and take mine and be happy enough? it is impossible. The perception of what is love needs to change.
Maybe setting more boundaries in relationships would help for you. You carry only what you're able to.
Plus in a healthy relationship, responsibilities are always shared.
If they truly care, they'd respect your boundaries, and will even help you out :>
Wish you the best, buddy
A concept I have found useful in meeting this challenge is the idea of interdependence.
An interdependent person being one who is able to generally handle themselves in an independent way, but can also build bridges and relationships with other people in order to complete bigger projects than either person could on their own
Interdependence helps one see the difference between cooperation and dependence.
And there are other interdependent people out there looking for an equal partner rather than a parent. They're not necessarily good at all the same chores or parts of a relationship, but they make an effort to get better and take on their share of the load.
Where they are consistently bad or really dislike at some share of the load they can instead try to compensate by taking on the entirety of a part they're less awful at or dislike less. This leads to an end result of both partners having to shoulder less of the load they find most frustrating, leading both people's lives ato be easier and the load for both to be less than it was when they lived independently.
Finding oneself in a relationship that actually makes life genuinely easier can be a novel and even surprising experience as one doubts on some level that it's even happening until the day they come home and realize dinner is both planned and ready and all the dishes have been put away and the laundry time is already booked and all you have left is the stuff only you can solve, and it's after dinner is done and a nap that you now have time for.
A nap that you even living alone would usually not have had time for.
think of it this way, in any relationship if you support someone you can think of yourself as a "support beam" holding them up, making them able to reach new hights. now think of you trying to stop that and do something else... the other person will be confused why the are not reaching new hights any longer and will be mad/frustrated. you need to find out if you benefit form the new hights achieved by the other person or not.
Dang how do you even get to the point of shouldering the cognitive load (to an appropriate level, not taking on so much that it becomes a problem)? I have no concept of what I’m supposed to do to maintain relationships, can’t remember what needs to be done in my own house (and even my own body- I remember to brush my teeth twice a day and that’s about it), knowing what to help others with without them asking, etc. I can’t see “doing too much of the work” ever being my problem just because of my gender.
Like I’m being told that “society expects this of me because I’m a girl” but that doesn’t teach it to me. Where am I supposed to learn it from? If society supposedly wants me to do certain things, why doesn’t society tell me what to do and teach me the skill it wants me to have?? lmao. If anything my parents were TOO responsible because they did all the work without me even realizing they were doing work. Maybe you need to describe to your kids what all you’re doing so they’re at least aware that these are things they’ll need to keep track of when they grow up
A guy here but solidly you sound not to be in position unclear if you want that role of shouldering load, I think a solid step is get a hold of your own share of work apologise curtly not profusely if you don't match a percived expectation and once you have your stuff down pat then expand.
Good rule of thumb if it takes almost zero effort or cost do so freely, any higher than that make sure it is an active choice, if you can't say no then it is not a choice.
Have a wonderful day!
If you want to try and think through a lot of the day to day decisions needed to run a life, there is a great resource called 'Fair Play'. It has a set of cards of all kinds of different household responsibilities, and you discuss, and divide them up between, the folks in your household. I think it's an interesting exercise, whether you are living with family, roommates, or a partner.
This is really interesting because I know many guys who have felt that same “I need to know this but nobody will teach me” feeling. It’s good that this is so relatable between genders, if we would only talk about it more.
My mom was more like a manager to me, she even did and submit my tax for me. So when she died. I was completely lost about the world.
I as a guy had/have similar issues as well. I wish my parents did less for me, strangely. I learned to cook, clean, do laundry, etc far too late in life. I never really was taught to fix things either, and I wish I was. It's normal for a young kid not to know how to do these things very well, it sucks when you're in your late teens/twenties learning those for the first time when it seems everyone else already did. Thankfully I've started to do a lot of this stuff for myself though, but it takes a ton of work.
This was such an awesome conversation, I know that a lot of people can relate across genders to issues of cognitive load and managing parentification, thank you so much!!
The idea that safety and familiarity are often not the same thing actually blew my mind, I’ve never heard that said out loud before but I think I needed to.
I'm currently planning a fashion walk event with a team, and the work is basically the same as described for everyday "cognitive load".
"If this person comes, then that one can't"
"Order special food for this person"
"What is the bathroom door width? bc this guest's weelchair has to pass"
"How can we give a special placement to this brand's products without the others being jealous?"
It's complicated cronograms and making sure the 200 people involved are happy
How do I deal with... ummm, everything all the time, my responsibilities and everyone else's and a zillion problems I didn't ask for and can't afford? Poorly, that's how. I'm losing what's left of my mind. F the world.
when you say everyone else’s problems do you mean your close family, friends, coworkers?
Is it possible (literally) to focus more on yourself and detach responsibility for other people’s lives?
For me, I used to make everyone else’s problems my own and the side effect of that is I neglected my own issues. This lead to medical, emotional, and life problems that I didnt deal with and was honestly ill-equipped to do so. Through therapy and putting in the work I learned to be more selfish and focus on me. It is a balance though, it is obviously ok to help others but if it’s taking over your life then it’s not healthy for you.
here might be the list: 1. Good relationship with yourself 2. Good relationship with your partner 3. Taking care of kids needs (if any) 3. Work , 4. Parents if they need help. The rest can wait.
From time to time, it is great to disconnect and get some alone time. It’s exhausting trying to comfort and motivate everyone (I’m a teacher and a mother of three). People now are so sensitive but lack empathy. They expect comprehension from others but give close to none of it.
I'm still struggling with this but can offer what I've done so far:
I'm married, no kids. Even as a teen I somehow wound up as everyone's therapist and it's continued into my 30s.
At work it's been a very genuine problem. At the time I was one of 2 women in my department which only compounded the problem I felt like everyone's mom in the worst way. I somehow got the burden of everyone's personal lives as well as making sure everyone got their work done (even though I wasn't an authority figure) and somehow if someone else was deficient, it somehow was my problem.
I'm not great at setting boundaries and the pressure at work is immense. I found out that my most hated supervisor was transferring to my department again and I knew I couldn't do it anymore.
I nearly quit but remembered I could try to transfer to another location. I put in for it and it was accepted! Now I'm with a much smaller team and I was able to "start over" and know this time around to not take on that extra nonsense.
It's helped in many ways. My husband is overall pretty good but still has some things I'd change, but reducing my work mental load has at least given me more bandwidth and patience for dealing with what we need to work on.
overload it so you get tired and only focus on one thing at a time, go to a crowded place and focus on everything every voice every sound.
I love that he dives more into female psychology and how cultures can affect your behaviors or mentality. This is eye-opening.
The example of a child standing up for their parent and that becoming a burdensome sense of responsibility as an adult.... Man. That made me cry a lot. That was my life for a long time, and in many ways, it still is. I never heard it framed this way, and it makes perfect sense as to why I care so little about myself. It's because I've abandoned who I am. Wow...... Wow....
That was awesome. Thank you so much for doing this ❤ It was the first time that I've learned that walking on eggshells around my ex boyfriend's explosive anger was an abuse. It was and I've finally allowed myself to be angry about it.
Sorry about your experience. Glad he’s “ex”. Hope you avoid people like that in the future. There are nice people around.
It's hard for women who had no modeling in maintaining relationships for the children to ensure their inclusion and who were ostracized as children themselves.
I was as well. If we were acquaintances, I would tell you so much more about being ostracized and then the cognitive load of not having children. There’s something said here about the color of grass, or other 💛
As an autistic person, i sadly understand and relate too much to being told the story of who i am. So i get it, but i'm pretty sure i'm still oblivious to the many different things women are told to be. Which hopefully the rest of the video will shine some light on. Hope everyone can rewrite these terreibly wrong storys that they have and are being told.
I relate. I recently I told a very old and dear friend that I'm autistic, she immediately said "No you're not!", and doubled down when I told her I'd gotten an actual diagnosis! I've had one other person do this, but she wasn't someone I knew so I blew it off. Being told you're being silly or lying hurts even more when you hear it from people you care about who should know better.
Im a single, only child, woman with no children pets or plants..i dont think i have it in me to process that amount of mental load. I've always been moderately go with the flow/type B
insanely good content, thank you
I'm a guy and I related more with women perspective than the male perspective throughout the interview.
You are not alone in that.
Because calling it "women perspective" is pure aesthetics. It's simply perspective.
glad u found a voice to relate to
@@obnoxint I don't think it is aesthetic, I think they're calling it "women perspective" because statistically speaking, this is the experience of a woman more often than a man. While I personally don't love the language (and I'm a woman), I think that calling it "aesthetic" is really missing the point
@@IHasLegs2 Totally agree with that. I get where they’re coming from as well and not thrilled by the language choice but it does statistically make sense.
It’s more like a Homemakers perspective vs a Wage Earners perspective and creating a healthy dynamic between them so they both feel appreciated and the total workload is equitable
Great episode! I have personally found Internal Family Systems to be a really powerful way to get in touch with my authentic self and start separating from old messages I may have absorbed over time. It lets you recognize and understand the different “parts” of yourself - like the part that feels it has to keep everyone happy, or the part that steps in to protect others. These parts often come from past experiences or connections we made early on, like feeling responsible for protecting a parent, which can turn into a belief that you’re responsible for protecting everyone. IFS helps you see that these roles aren’t the real you; they’re just patterns you picked up. So by giving these parts a chance to relax, you can let go of what isn’t yours to carry and find more freedom to be yourself without all the exhaustion of emotional labor.
2:03:26 that‘s a very big point. If you give the responsibility for a task over to another person they also get to decide how they are to fulfil that responsibility, within reason ofc.
A good way to know which parent does more cognitive load maybe is to see which parent the child goes to when they want to plan a birthday party.
I disagree. Does “mental load” take into account a husband’s struggles with work, and what goes into making most of the household income? Or is that just taken for granted.
@@NeverSarcasticMan It should be taken for grantes that most of the time both parents work. It's 2024.
@@laurelgardnerboth parents work, but the man is still the primary earner. If a wife loses their job, the average household can still survive on the husband’s salary. Usually doesn’t work the other way around.
@NeverSarcasticMan interesting. All the women i know either make the same as or more than their husband's. Maybe your thoughts are from the 60s... In today's world jobs are available for men and women. Maybe you envision women only working as an admin assistant? 😊 Women make just as much as men in 2024.
@@sunshinegrace3293 well if the 6 women you know make same or more, that must be the global standard then. Shame on me.
It’s inspiring to see that even someone as knowledgeable as Dr.K doing efforts to understand more different aspects, perspectives and subjects! Dr. Aragam seems like an amazing professional, so intelligent and knowledgeable as well! Great content
This also came to a very great time in my life, trying to put some boundaries with my mother who didn’t respect me much while growing up, it’s definitely scary dealing with the fear and guilt!
I discovered Dr. K 3 days ago, and I am now addicted. :-) Thank you.
Welcome!
Welcome to the club
Yeah me too bro, but not really addicted, I am a big fan and they helped me a lot.
Welcome to the not a cult 😂
Same here 😃
1:22:41 this here was pretty huge indeed. To me, "starting with gratitude" seemed like a little trick to get the other person to react in the way you want them to, but if the goal is to not care about what ithers will say, why bother filtering your words so they feel better? But indeed, its not about them, its about you, finding positive in your situation. Its about you choosing to appreciate the positives AND at the same time work on dealing eith the negatives. It helps you create a balance in your life, one that didnt exist before bc you were always the doormat. Instead of exploding in the completely other direction and saying "Big ol F you World", you try to find the balance so that YOU are healthy. Thats pretty interesting.
The only way for mental load problem for women to subside, is for men to step up and carry some of that load. we all have responsibilities but the load has been disproportionately affecting women...because society places too much responsibility on women to take care of the families needs...where in reality it should be everyone's responsibility!
Share the load! It is the healthy thing to anticipate other peoples needs and ask for help when you need it.
A lot of what I'm reading are things men deal with also, or simply don't care about. A lot of what I'm reading are self-imposed burdens. Externalizing the difficulty of your choices isn't particularly fair, is it?
the problem is that we always have to ask, because the other doesn't care/ doesn't see/ doesn't think it is important or whatever weaponized incompetence they will want to use this time.
Men will say women do a lot of things they don't need to do. Yet if it isn't done, it accumulates, or someone will suffer. Women have empathy and think about consequences, which is why we do things, or don't do them. So many women stay in abusive relationships to protect their children. They only allow themselves to leave when they know the children will be safe.
@kifi672 If you had roomates in college, it's likely there was a variety of cleanliness for each roomate. If one person has a high threshold of preferred cleanliness, they will find themselves cleaning all the time, or annoyed all the time. The person with the lowest tolerance suffers the situation the most. Men are more shaped to be tolerance entities.
@@1Plebeian What are some of these unreasonable "self-imposed burdens" that you've seen discussed? Most of the examples in the video (for example, taking out the trash each week, planning meal and grocery schedules, organizing events for your kids) seem pretty reasonable to me.
@@benthomas9776 women feel the need to keep up with what their friends do, much more than what I see in men. It can be exhausting and I see it as sort of self imposed. Especially if children are involved. Then the list just keep getting longer. I worked with a woman that was always exhausted from this, hubby tried to help but didnt do it exactly how she wanted, so she still ended up doing the thing.
Excellent content, albeit often hard to understand because of dr. Agaram's fast pace and use of fillers. Thank you dr. K. for inviting great speakers and summarizing/rephrasing their points for us.
This is so good! Pls bring her over again
I love this conversation.Two brilliant minds, thank you!
Whoa I clicked as soon as I saw this ❤ much needed. Thank you so much for this interview!
Great insight into disillusionment of narratives, and embodying what you want/authentic to you vs an overemphasis on what is in the realm of efficaciousness/possibility/what works.
Involves a distancing from what the person you are interacting with's reaction is. I.e., not let their response be an excuse for not advocating for yourself
I think I have a very good sense of what is and isn't in my control/responsibility. The problem lies in the other parties. When they see their narc aunt being jealous, they don't tell the aunt to "quit being jealous and quit picking fights". Instead, they go and tell me "what is with you that make people (implying EVERYONE else, not just that 1 narc aunt) dislike you?" when literally everyone is in love with me, except that 1 aunt. Stop spinning to problem into my problem, when it's clearly a you problem. Grow up.
If you're jealous and insecured that people love me and not you, then it's a you problem. CLEARLY. It's super manipulative to try to spin it and make me the problem. Try to convince the judges in court that. Good luck!
I agree that an insecured person's reaction has very little to do with me. If someone is already jealous with me, they're going to find any opportunity possible to find faults in me, and talk sheet about me to others. If they can't find faults, they will create faults. They will sabotage me. They do this to anyone they are jealous of - their sisters, their children's gf / spouse, random neighbors, etc. Their behaviors are not reflection of me or my behaviors, even if they try super hard to say otherwise. Anyone who have dealt with narcissistic people know this very well. Just get fudged once and you will remember that type of trash for the rest of your existence. You will be able to spot them easily.
I can't do mental load, so I have parties with max 2 friends +/- husband now. Or 1 +/- husband. 4 people at one time and we're entering dangerous territory!
Timestamp: 1:23:27 It's no longer about transaction. It's about the power of the self, without expectation of outcome. Finally understanding and executing on advocating for yourself. Appreciate the conversation, clarity, and content both of you!
I loved the comment section on these videos about men’s mental health, I’m a mum of teen/preteen boys so find the videos about men’s mental health very interesting, but as soon as women are involved the dismissive comments begin...
This very much so hurt me to see, fully agree with you here. I feel that so much of this channel provides a much-needed platform for men to feel heard and seen for their struggles, and the few times that there are content pieces made for women, men scramble to ensure that their struggles are still seen, which echoes the creation of the Men's Rights movement as a backlash to the feminism movement(s). It's this type of behavior that alienates the genders - I wish people could just listen and try to be compassionate! It's not a zero sum game - one gender gaining rights is better for EVERYONE, not just that gender! This channel has been so great for me to understand better where men are coming from, and to not be dismissive of the things that cause them suffering. I'd love it if I didn't have to hold emotional space for men as well when reading comment sections on videos that are supposed to be about giving space for women to feel seen.
As a man I am sorry for this and must admit this is true! It shouldnt be that way and believe me men can have empathy for women. Its just difficult for them to show right now. I actually dont want to change the subject from womens topics again though!
I'm impressed with how long that stick of incense lasted in the background. Didn't even notice it there until a minute or so before it went out around the 1:27:30 mark.
I wish this was in hindi, so I could show this to my mother
Thank you again for your thoughtful and well thought-out content. This generated a very thoughtful discussion between my husband and I, not only for us but how we see these things in our own mothers.
1:22:14 also, if the girl has this conversation with their mom what‘s been said will have an effect on what going on in the mom‘s mind afterwards and it‘s not impossible that she comes around over time. Whatever has been said can take root in the heads of the respective parties of the conversation. Doesn‘t have to but can for sure.
This old lady needed this discussion. Explains why I'm only okay away from people I feel an obligation and/or love for. The only time I can be me. Well.... as much as my cat allows😅
Men getting offended here.... 🤔 YOUR JOB AS BREADWINNER IS IMPORTANT TOO. It's stressful and hard. Each relationship is different, but for the most part, women are geared towards taking the mental organization of the home and it can be exhausting. It takes up our energy. That's why we might not have all the physical aspects perfect in the house. Just acknowledge that. If you can't understand what cognitive load looks like, ask your wife to write a list of everything in her head. It's a lot.
What do you think about men's cognitive load?
My wife and I had conversations about this. I take on some of her cognitive load but even thought I do she still carries it mentally even thought I've taken care of it. There was a time where I felt is was her feeling I was incompetent to it. Yet I've done it 25 years. In talking that not her thinking at all. It just it one her mind still and she doesn't know how to let it go. She has tons of other things on mind too so it would be good to let that one two thing I'm taking on go.
Really good job Dr.K on making women feel more welcomed and seen on your channel GG
I absolutely loved Dr. Gowri Aragam. Thank you!!!!
Man here, I’m pretty good at emotional labor and have been getting over a caretaker identity I’m still rather fond of, but now I see the utility of taking on more cognitive load to improve my life. It is an honor to learn from a master. I’m kinda shocked and saddened to hear some men don’t know these life skills and it falls on the shoulders of the women in their lives.
Timestamps would help to make it comprehensible for women without enough free time 😉
Great combination of doctors ✨️🙏🏻
I related a lot to the cognitive load examples she gave for women, because I am generally the one who looks after everyone emotionally as well as physically, while she likes to plan things.
1:12-1:20 is GOLD. it doesn't necessarily hit on the topic of women's cognitive load, but it is so insightful. if you watch any piece of this video, please watch this!
I dont really understand how these things arent also obvious to other people. Maybe bc ive been conditioned to always try to understand men, its easier for me to empathise and understand the issues and narratives that are forced on them, and the troubles they are forced to deal with. And most importantly im always actively trying to learn more about it.
But i dont understand how someone cant know the simple experiences of women. Of course its a political experience to change your own narrative about your life. Its feminism. Ofc mental load is a thing, cant you see it? Its pretty bizarre to me.
My closest friends are also men and they understand this stuff cause its so obvious to them. Cause in the end we are all just humans. So it makes me sad that more people dont just learn this stuff as they grow up and learn about life.
my closest friends are also men. it sucks how much I've had to explain to them but i am glad they listen.
I don’t love the book ‘Walking on Eggshells’ as someone who was formerly diagnosed with BPD, but ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ blew me away.
Please reduce the ads, the number of interuptions is insane! I cant focus on the talk.....my concentration keeps being interupted every 5 minutes by ads.... its a shame....i will give up on listening...
@@nicol8090 i came here to say that, this is an insane amount of ads
@@nicol8090 if you watch TH-cam on the Brave browser there’s no ads.
This was such a new perspective! Like she was describing 3D to a paper person
I'm the unmarried unemployed last child, and i did, took care of my mom when she's sick, till her death.
54:00 Fork in the road
58:00 Love
1:12 How take that Leap?
1:52:00 anger
2:06:00 avoid premature need for closure
The cognitive load = the audience who needs to watch this, not watching this
1:30:00 asking for more help with housework.
What I've always recommended /seen recommended, is that thes is to be approached as a team.
Decide together, firt of all, what needs to be done. (Rather than dictating and assuming the odher gersin shares the same values and expectations).
And from there talk togethr about hiw it's going to be done. (Again, not dictating )
What I see done wrong a lot et:
One person deciding what needs to be done, rhile dhe other doesn't share the sehtiment.
And ohe persin deciding who is going to do what/how much/when, and even if there's a "cohcersatiin" it's basically them dictating and assnating controlbocer the other. The other then ends up being nadgnd for something they didn't consent to nor have a say in, while they decider feels they aren't pulling their weight. Which is a very common, but poor dynamic.
Trying to get down the gratitude narrative could be w mother. What I was about to say in my head felt incredibly positive, and then the words came..
I appreciate that you thought I was strong enough to not require social interaction, fairness or love. The skills I learned from that ensure I can endure...
I think I'll need a new draft.
I do love the method and thought process.
Even if men have a higher immune response when sick, I have my period every month and I'm still expected to show up. I would just look out for the response you get when you request support because for any reason you're feeling down. Does it go both ways?
Regarding those 'leading with grace' conversations, where you would talk someone regardless of how they will react. It feels self-serving to have a conversation where you don't care about how the other person responds. If the point isn't to effect change, why have the talk at all?
Because at least you've informed them where they need to change. People aren't mind readers. Many fights end up with "Well, why didn't you *tell* me this?!"
I think the meaning of this conversation is that the goal is to give a person courage to even fathom trying to communciate their needs AT ALL. Some people will continue their cognitive load, become burdened, become resentful, become full of guilt, and wither away without ever being heard, AND THEN BE TOLD “oh well you never said to me that you needed x,y,z. I didn’t know” and that FURTHER burdens the person with needs with shame.
To communicate needs takes Courage; to make a sound to try communicating needs *regardless*, not in spite of, but *regardless* of how people may typically feel and/ or REACT with shame, reject, put downs, or ignoring the person’s needs anyways. At least the communicator gave themself a platform to literally vocalize their needs into the world.
1:29:13 exactly. Because maybe you want to build your own life AND still feel loved by your mom. If you expect her to deny you what you need and therefore don‘t ever ask for it you for sure will never get what you really want. If you ask there is at least a chance.
Dr K, please make a few videos in hindi as well so we can share these wonderful nuggets of wisdom with the older indian generation.
Milan Studnička: Harmonious relationship, the switch method
communication technique, look at the world with eyes of your partner.
The switch method has several points, for example communicate without emotions and presure, be curious about partner, ask topics, with a calm voice etc
the good thing is you dint have to agree with everything, just listen the perspectiv eof other people, because we are affected by 6 generations.
we dont know the childhood of people and their traditions and ideas
It seems this way people unlearn the blocks from childhood, and wrong habits.
Any idea where I can find her podcast? I tried Spotify and found one called Sense of Self but there are only a few episodes there from back in May
So….weird question. What if the person is scared to leave because their sibling has been physically violent towards them? And what if they’re scared that, if they leave, their sibling’s violence will be redirected towards their mother due to past precedent? In that case, leaving physically endangers their parents, especially if the parents refuse to address the sibling’s violent tendencies. In that case, the “responsibility” is physically protecting their parents. What’s the right approach to that situation? Like…how do you protect your parents in that scenario?
Please seek out your local domestic violence shelter because they can give you better information than anyone in the comments can.
You are not obligated to endure violence on any level.
Get out safely
I spent 9 years "protecting" others from the physical violence of my ex. In retrospect, I do not feel like it was worth it, as my inaction shielded the abuser from consequences for their abuse.
I would contact a domestic violence hotline for your area, explain your situation, and ask them for options. If the violence is physical, you should call the police and they may help you leave and protect both yourself and your parents from any physical threat.
As someone that has felt the role of keeping the peace in a social structure... it's okay to rock the boat and cause discomfort in others.
Call the police...
@noellemarievie yeah it's not your job to protect your parents from your sibling. They are the parents, even if they can't cope it's not your responsibility. Leave, if you're afraid call the authorities.
but the external persons reaction is in 95% of cases something that costs you money, manpower, rights, opportunities or gets physically very dangerous to you, why would you throw that ressources out of the window on purpose? you might get into a terrible place for years if you do that
50:00, 1:15:00,
2:14:00 oppressive loved ones
2:23:00 other peoples reactions say more abt them than they say abt you
I've never thought of this as a concept before. I just thought it was "becoming an adult", and that I just wasn't meant to handle it well, or something.
I think i can be a bit more optimistic about it now? I think i'll try at least 😊
Hey first time watcher here, loved the video but just a bit of unsolicited constructive criticism, I think the intro is a bit too long and confusing. A friend sent me this video and I had no idea what I was watching for the first 6 mintues
That’s the live stream intro, allowing people to trickle in in real-time, but I agree, they should chop that out if possible, or put a note on the screen (or in the comments) to skip forward once the video is published and not streaming live
Haven't watched it all yet, but whenever Dr K talks about societal impact, expectations etc. I cannot relate. I feel like there was no expectations from me, my parents were a bit neglectful and didn't ask for almost anything (and it was not fun), but I never felt the external pressure to be something. Anyone can relate?
I'm a dude btw despite having an Indian female name on my account lol
22:59 women blaming ourselves is such an amazing insight. It happens at work
She has a very wide capability of viewing things. Very smart. All my respect for her.
😂😂😂😂 You are my new crush!!!! :-********* I won‘t go to the library until this Video has finished! Concentration please!!!!!!!!!!!!!😍😍😍😍
I get it, in some sense, as i had to navigate this when I was younger. That's how i former a more stable sense of self. But I also see the confusion because.. I think it's different for us in a manner.
The cognitive load to explain the cognitive load
8:10 actual content starts here
So good . Great woman . So much wisdom . Funny to see Dr.K . rolling eyes to to much data. And full understanding face od Dr.Gowri .
Can a woman have more problems with anxiety and health anxiety OCD when they are peri, meno, or post menopausal? Meaning more symptoms than what doctors really know. How does menopause affect women mentally?
Hey!!!!!!!!! Concentrate, Dr. Kay. No fun! Until i take a shower for going to the Library!
Dr. Aragam, it would be helpful if you would speak at a slower pace. I appreciate all of your rich insights. THANK YOU!
Haven't watched yet, but thanks for talking about this in depth 🤩 sure its gonna be useful
im a dude that would think it was my fault
Me too-sometimes the ways guys like us think can actually be more in line with the way women do (on average). It’s less a gender thing than it is a self-critical or agreeable personality thing
@_whoknows462 yeah I grew up agreeable and I'm getting more disagreeable cause sometimes being agreeable just ain't healthy unless everyone else around you is you know I think that's what people are talking about when they say men are like this or women are like that no some are and it's probably do to their social status in familial and civil contexts. Because to get along with people, you need to be agreeable, but also to get along with people in other ways, you need to be disagreeable.
@_whoknows462 The self-critical part probably isn't just agreeableness. Although I see your point, it's probably cause of high neuroticism as well.
@_whoknows462 I think even Dr. k might be like us too, even though he said the average dude would be like that. Maybe he wouldn't be exactly like us after his spiritual munk mode stuff, though
1:33:00 making yourself small Vs 1:37:00
Yes! Thank you!
This is just empathy
I don’t go to the psychologist! I will go to the library!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:06:30 Just a couple minutes LOL
Also I don't think this question was regarding any specific situation like they interpreted other than just wanting to bring up patriarchy talking points
If this is about a specific situation, please ignore. If it is about wanting to educate those around you who do not take it as seriously as you would like, I would say that this is valid anger that you probably want to work through and process in a healthy way as this is out of your control. I like the advice at 1:48:20 for this.
Anyways, really cool conversation, I will definitely have to check out her podcast