Become IMPOSSIBLE to Manipulate! 6 Ways to Recognize and STOP Manipulation/ Gaslighting.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ม.ค. 2022
- We all encounter psychological manipulation and gaslighting in our relationships. With these 6 tips you will be able to recognize and stop anyone trying to manipulate you wether it's in a legal context, at the workplace or in your personal/ romantic relationships!
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TIMESTAMPS
00:20 Manipulation in Interrogations
01:40 Persuasion vs Manipulation
04:00 How do Manipulators think
06:00 How Manipulators Try to Control your Thoughts
10:30 The 4 Words That STOP a Manipulator
16:00 Why Manipulation is Dangerous
#psychology #manipulation #stopmanipulation #stopgaslighting #avoidgaslighting #resistmanipulation #gaslighting #persuasion #manipulationinrelationships
This was perfect timing! I have a friend who is in a bad situation with her spouse and I think once I show her this video it will help her understand what exactly is going on. Thank you so much for this!
Wow. That’s exactly the reason I made this, even just as a wake up call. I really hope your friend sorts this issue out.
@@TheBehavioralArts I showed her the video and she said it was like being slapped in the face with a wake up call. But in a good way. I think she now sees what I saw, I just couldn’t explain it as well as you. This video could save lives. Seriously. Well done!
@@lyndacormier2444 this is THE best compliment I can hope for. Thank you so much 🤗
@@TheBehavioralArts You deserve it. This is one of the most information and important videos I’ve seen. I can’t thank you enough for the impact that this is going to have.
@@lyndacormier2444 You’re an amazing friend & I’m so relieved to hear that your friend is now seeing the truth. This could be a lifesaving video for many people. Much love to you & your friend. I hope she has a healthy recovery 💕
Let me tell you…. When you tell someone who is trying to manipulate you that you are going to call a 3rd party to get their opinion & see what’s up… be prepared for backlash! I tried this with my ex and he literally tripped over himself to stop me from dialing. They don’t actually want you to tell anyone the things they say behind closed doors, because they KNOW they’re manipulating you. That was a big eye opener for me !
Girl yes ! At 27 I finally realize their favorite phase “don’t tell nobody what I told you “ “ this is between us “ makes me want to help younger woman in the future
Phrase **
@@Shawnmonique7 I wish I’d had it figured out by 27! They can say that very same thing in sneaky, manipulative ways too… ways that make it sound innocent or sincere - I remember my ex telling me he doesn’t like to talk to family & friends about our relationship because it wouldn’t be “fair” to me, for them to only hear one side of the story 🙄 Of course that was just his way of saying I shouldn’t either!! And he was full of BS because he started telling everyone I was crazy and/or abusive from the very beginning… just in case I ever spoke up, I’d already be discredited. I didn’t know people like this existed honestly (not ones that appear to be decent/good people 90% of the time)… I wasted 7 years with him. Starting over at 38, but armed with knowledge this time! ❤️ I too want to save others this heartache/pain!
@lashawnmonique well lady,this is exactly what my gf did to me.
It goes both ways.
Haha smart.They don,t like it when you fight back.
Staying calm and having a straight face makes it much harder for them to manipulate you since they can’t use your emotions against you. Your emotions are a key subject to manipulate you.
Absolutely.
oops
Not, if you matured properly.
@@a.m.pietroschek1972, sure... And you are, right?
@@a.m.pietroschek1972, which is exactly why you are here...
Any time someone is telling you what you’re thinking, you’re being manipulated.
Not always. If someone is hostile toward you but won't admit it, then it can be useful sometimes to let them know you are aware. There are many other scenarios too. Some people are alexithymic. They often do not recognize how they feel. Gaslighters are dishonest about their feelings. "It is obvious that you don't really love me. Your actions speak louder than words." And several more .
@@Bf26fge sure. That’s still manipulation even if you don’t know you’re doing it. Or the person in this hypothetical. The times I have been manipulated, this is the one common trait that they all had. I learned it in the real world, and I was happy to see that he mentions it in the video as well. It’s a rule of thumb, and certainly not Applicable 100% of the time, but if anyone is telling you what’s in your head, that’s the biggest red flag for manipulation
You know, I was just thinking that!
You know that or they just have empathy!
(Damaged people are left defensive and see everything as a warning sign)
"it's not enough that i win... You must also lose"
-every manipulator ever
😢
You are arguing that they are insecure and therefore want others to try and be like them.
Bottom line: Never engage in a police interrogation. Even if you're innocent. Police are often more interested in a confession than learning truth and will absolutely lie. the best solution is to ALWAYS invoke your right to remain silent.
@@sl4983 When in doubt remain silent or say, "I'm not going to answer that. My only exception is a Customs Agent as they tend to have broader powers than police.
@@GaryCameron780 What if they were to say, "well how about if we take you in and you think about it over night?" Lol, had to ask.
@@sl4983 I believe, n the US, they cannot hold you for more than a certain amount of time without charging you with something. If I remember correctly, it's 24 hours. I'm not positive on the time, but I'm 99.9% sure they cannot hold you without a formal charge for longer than x amount of time.
Sooooo true! I had an horrible experience in florida they lie and are corrupt
I spent 20 months , 2020-21 after submitting to a police interview after an arrest on assault charges , I thought I was doing the right thing by submitting to an interview straight away , get it over and done with as it were , 3 witnesses against myself , I realised in court when the interview was played that the police were trying to nail me while pretending to care for me , manipulating bastards , they tried ,, fortunately , they failed ,, never again will I say a word to them , there job is to get a conviction , don’t forget your job is to remain innocent .
Interrogations to this extreme should be illegal should be able to sue the shit out of them for mental abuse.
Yes! I completely agree. John Oliver just focused on this on one of his recent shows
I watch a lot true crime and, unfortunately, this is waaay to common. Just look at the recent headliners about Russ Faria and Pam Hupp.
I don't understand why these people aren't just asking for a lawyer.
@@Khaleesi_Of_Kittens a lot of people believe when they didn’t do anything wrong they don’t need one, so they don’t ask for one. Unfortunately even if you’re innocent you ALWAYS ask for a lawyer because situations like this are all too common. Most people don’t even know that if you’re not being charged, you can willingly leave. Very corrupt what these officers did. Shame on them. The real killer is out there scotch free. To them it was about closing the case not actually getting justice.
Falsifying evidence of anything (not just in interrogations but on social media even) should result in an automatic life time jail sentence. No exceptions. People who do that are evil.
Another response, to a suspicious question,that has served me well is "why do you want to know"!!
If you think you can't be manipulated, you'll make a perfect target. No one is immune.
Exactly. The easiest to manipulate are the ones who say they aren't easy. By making such a statement you have actually told a master manipulator what approach to use. My ex was a source of great frustration and anguish. If she trusted or liked someone she would not only be more likely to believe that person, but if contradictions were brought up she would just rationalize it or clarify her original statements so the contradiction disappeared and continue to change the story at each point of contradiction brought up. She was also one who claimed she wasnt easily manipulated and all one had to do was gain her trust first. The oldest and most common manipulation tactic in human history. You will never spot the true master manipulators, the rare.0.1 percent of the practitioners of the dark art. Not even the best can detect them trying in behavior and speech to get you to like and trust them. Context is the best way to spot them, but context is not always such that they stick out. Cui bono is helpful also, but that could also be considered contextual.
true bullies always win just be yourself action always speaks louder than words
Manipulators…
1. are extremely goal-oriented
- counter: “What other options do we have?”
2. try to dictate your mental state
- counter: “Why do you say that?” / “I disagree.”
3. present opinions as facts
- counter: “How do you know?”
4. use ambiguous social proof
- counter: (opposite) ambiguous social proof
5. work 1 on 1
- counter: seek third party / witness / lawyer
6. exaggerate and fabricate (to cause false memories)
- counter: be excessively critical; use deception indicators (to form your own opinion based on facts)
Thank you for this!
thanks!
Boundaries basically
MVP
you know who tend to be very goal oriented? autistic people. that list is just some bs buzzwords to try and sell something.
I finally was able to say to my manipulative ex to not tell me what I think or feel because I can speak for myself. Putting words, thoughts or ideas into someone else is abusive. Gaslighting is brainwashing.
Yep. So glad you put your foot down
@Carol Bearce This same sort of thing happened with me too. Being told about something over n over again that I'm telling u for ur own good only. I'll think best for u...u should listen to me n I was like yeah I know too to think best for me , u don't need to force down ur opinions on me again n again. If u r thinking "the best" for me just give ur opinion and it's upto me to decide whether I wanna do it or not
@@saloni5593 yep. My mom pressured me into blocking my best friend of 5 years and is now gaslighting me about how "no I remember. You stopped talking to her because she ignored you. She just never texted you back." Sometimes I wonder if she's right and I'm remembering wrong but I know I remember how it went down. I want to text the friend back and try to explain but I'm not sure she would believe me. It has been a year so she might not care anymore
@@elizabethsmith955 That's horrible she would try and isolate you like that, I had a friend who's mother was also trying to do a similar thing. She has many narcissistic traits.
It's not guaranteed that your friend will believe you, but I think you may agree you won't know if you don't reach out, and you have little to lose in trying. So sorry you had to go through that.
So so true! I hope people see this and change themselves if they are one and also those who are victims can defend themselves!
When someone tells you how you should feel, they do argue. They will invalid your feelings
Never visit a medical professional alone, always take a witness. They con you into any number of unnecessary medical procedures .
Great advice❤
It's always a good idea to ask yourself what's in it for the other person. Don't be paranoid about it, but don't assume they're trying to help either.
Thx smart af
Brilliant tips! Manipulation technique #7 would be repetition: manipulators repeat the same thing over and over again and just don't stop until they get what they want.
Great tip! 😊
Yes this totally fits ... all such an eye opener .
How to counter manipulation technique 7?
Oh yes that’s true I’ve done that before
Haven't you said this before?
😂
I had a relative that tried to manipulate and gaslight me over and over. I finally had enough and now no longer am around that person. The situation was hurtful and stressful, and I had to change my circumstances to protect my mental health. Manipulation and gaslighting happens in families, at work, and everywhere else. Many seem to think they know better than you, and it has become worse than ever with social media.
Dear berg...I think you're answer is spot on ! Every situation is different but the bottom line is you don't need someone in your life who's only concern is using you for their needs only. They may give at times, but taking is the end goal for them...and they don't care how bad it gets for the target person. I'll add this ,I believe the more we stand on our own two feet the more we ,grow in strength and wisdom! For myself,I run to God through Jesus Christ always! He has shown me so much in this area and it's total freedom 😔♥️. Thanks for your insightful comment , take care BB from somewhere in Louisiana
Yessss .... Well said
Same here--a family member. I had to stop engaging because the manipulation and gaslighting was relentless. The hardest part is to let go of the hope that next time it will be different. 🥺
My immediate family did this to me while I was growing up, then I married a narc
Went through something similar ❤
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control. Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Thank you for ur time, sir. It was really informative. Can u please recommend a book that's sm worth reading and has much knowledge related to these topics.
You are an excellent writer!! I really enjoyed that, but one little suggestion, I hope it doesn't hurt your feelings. Can you break it into smaller paragraphs? I don't see well anymore. Really wonder read. So eloquent Daniel. I'd like to read it again. I might copy and paste. 😉. Where are you in your recovery?
Beautifully written.
Excellent breakdown.
OR...you just say, "Well, that's your opinion," and refuse to engage further. Get on with the job of being THE BEST YOU YOU CAN BE! They REALLY hate that.
People, I have learned ( the hard way) SILENCE IS THE KEY with manipulators and gaslighters! Trust me! ❤
True, sometimes they keep digging that hole/ grasping at straws until they reveal something important.
True but not always easy
the grey rock technique. my favorite
Grey Rock is absolutely 💯 the only way!!
I have learned that the hard way, too. Unfortunately, my mother is 91 and needs help so I'm stuck in that relationship for awhile. The only way to handle my sister, a master manipulator and narcissist, is by completely ignoring her.
I was gaslighted by my ex husband. I wasn’t even allowed to talk to his friends unless I had something “smart” to say. Or when I raised my voice (which was not a lot) he would tell me to “calm down” and “text me whenever your done with your tantrum” like I was a child. I finally had the courage to leave him in 2020 before the pandemic.
Sorry for these lousy experiences. You need to meet better people
After reading your post..I'm sad to realize that someone close to me has the same tendency that your husband had. Like a control.....thank you for bringing this into the light.
I know how you feel, ex wife of twelve years. My eyes only opened after I nonchalantly took away her tool for gas lighting- my desire for children...
Then the real 'her' came out and was forced to leave.
Sometimes people suck.
geez sorry that happened. If you and I got together go for it. I got nothing to hide nothing to lose and My friends probably be more shocked that I have a wife... well one wont be shocked because he is my best man and my childhood best friend but the others would be like holy crap! I wish possessiveness was never a thing in relationships. all it ever does is destroy lives and instill fear. also you raising your voice at me would indicate i did something wrong but it also depends on the reason and tone for the raising of voices. cant be over something petty or just because thats a sure fire way for me to just go nope im just going to walk away and wait out the emotional wave. in reality though if i did do something i will own up to it, way before you snap at me.
Need more context. A lot of manipulators use pity plays and blame shifting. My ex would play the victim to everyone else to gain sympathy and alliances.
Keep the three headings in mind at all times when in conversation I say..
Could this person be persuading me, or manipulating me or gaslighting me. ???
So many people seem to have motives or secret agendas and just take advantage of your innocent, naive, trusting personality. Its a wake-up call !!.
Absolutely brilliant video❤
💯
This video made me realize what was happening during a marriage therapy session I was in years ago. My (ex) wife and the female therapist kept telling me how angry I was. I had no idea what they were talking about and I was pretty indifferent. They both acted like it was fact. I kept getting more annoyed and frustrated at this, which they used as proof of my "repressed anger." This is a textbook manipulation of men by women.
In this situation, when you have a third party telling you that you are angry, how would you know if that’ there’s any truth to it?
@@AbbyMorebecause nobody knows better than himself whether he feels angry or not. The number of people "not on your side" doesn't matter if they are not right.
@@AbbyMore The frustration and anger at being wrongly labelled as having anger issues is a very common thing that males have to deal with. The woman (for example) will provoke, pick at, and criticise the male so they can use his reaction as evidence that the male has anger issues. Doing so is not proof of anything on its own of course and is an obvious, deliberate, antagonist, act on the woman's part. Of course every situation is different and males with anger problems are real, but witch hunting and generalising men in any such way is more often the result.
Lol…I’ve had the same thing happen to me except I’m a woman lol…it’s not gender specific ….narcs are both men and women and prey on their victims for their authenticity…that’s the one thing they try to take from their victims too…even when being authentic, I’m accused of being the manipulator…but it’s them that benefits from that version of “me” they have told everyone that I am …..
@w8what575 yeah I should have added that myself, but it goes without saying, seeing how everyonecan get angry and manipulate... I was responding to the original post and reply. Obviously, many more females are responsible for doing it than males. Anger isn't seen as a problem for females like it is with males, for whatever reason. Thanks.
“Our memory is a highly flawed system. It’s built for practicality, not for accuracy.” I’ve never thought of it that way, but it’s very true. I really enjoy watching your videos. Thanks for sharing.
Keeping a daily journal is the best way to remember.
I have what therapists have told me is an eidetic memory. But the more emotional an incident is, I could remember every detail or I only remember how I felt. Nothing in between
I used to lie so much, I forget, sometimes, what’s true. In certain situations in which I lied.
@@mandala314 That's very interesting. And good to know for yourself. I didn't know there were other 'types' of memories that actually have a name.
Would you care to share more, like how you realized you had this and how did it affect your life?
That's why those "weird" geniuses who possess the skill and gift of a photographic memory have every right to disrespect normal neurotypical people for not having one.
I'm a much bigger fan of the "why do you say that?" question than "how do you know?" because there is an implication that you are lending credibility to the other person's attempt at manipulation.
I've always found "why" is a much more productive question in those types of situations than "how" because answering the "why" means they have to explain themselves--now they're on the defense. Answering "how" simply requires an answer that makes sense to them--they're not explaining themselves to you; you are still on defense.
That's my take on it, at least.
Why is good, but asking why has moral/philosophical implications, so asking why goes more to motivation. Maybe asking "Where did you get that information?", "Who gave you that information or who said that?" might be clearer
I agree with you 100%
Awesome point, totally agree 👍🔥 thanks for sharing 🙏
I like your take on that, very much! I'm about to go into legal negotiations with a narc so this will be very helpful.
Excellent point
This presentation is more constructive than one might first suppose. Thank you.
Per #5 I would add, keep a journal. There are two reasons for this. Considering that someone trying to manipulate or gaslight you, especially using isolation tactics, consider:
1) Keeping a journal helps you track and reflect on a) psychological and emotional dynamics of each party that came into play, b) facilitating deeper access to meaningful understandings, and thus c) developing abilities for making better choices (better handling), and
2) in the absence of witnesses, a dated journal presents a viable evidentiary record ...journals and diaries are powerful evidence in any court of law, and opinion.
That interview is despicable. I hope that poor man sues the bejesus out of those responsible. It won't give him all those lost years back. Those detectives are right in his face too. Argh! Thank you so much for this Spidey! This is happening to me now by several members of my family. So much so that I am going to move away and not even tell them where I am. I am going to watch this so often until it's stuck fast in my mind. You're a star!
This video really helped me recognize how much "friends" manipulate and gaslight me. I wish I would've known all of this years ago
I have experience in this...over 35 years...I cut them all out of my life... opinions as facts manipulate to deceive..I learned to speak up... Certain people and cultures play these games... what happens in the dark will come out to the light no one can mock Jeh God, in the end they reap what they sowed..
The buying a car thing got me. When I was maybe 17 a car saleswoman was really laying it on thick to my mom about how she’s a widow, and a single parent, and she *needs* a safe reliable car. My mom was in tears, and at 17 I literally sent my own mom outside and absolutely berated the saleswoman. It was disgusting.
Insane😮😢 good you protected her
@@annalovebrows I don’t think I’ve ever been more mad than that day 😅
@@lissa3046 i can imagine!!!
Boy, it hits you hard when you recognize your own tactics of manipulation. It helps me realize I’m not a great person sometimes. Thanks for the advice. Do you think manipulators typically have been themselves or do you think it’s innate? I think it can be a bit of both.
It's learned behavior stemming from fear and childhood experiences usually. You're not a sociopath or you would refuse or completely fail to see it
I applaud your self awareness. Keep it up!
I was in law enforcement for 20 yrs, and it angers me so, so much when I hear about an detective/investigator who manipulates someone into confessing when they know the individual is innocent. Prosecutors in DA’s Office will also try and get a guilty verdict when they know a defendant is innocent. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! And yes, the majority of people in law enforcement/District Attorney’s Office are good people. It’s a small percent who are evil.
As someone who has experienced false allegations and the subsequent arrest and manipulation from police, I would say 100% of police officers are dangerous manipulators - at least here in the UK. It might be different in the US but here in the UK it's definitely 100% of them. A good person wouldn't last two minutes in the police farce.
Depending what race you are and what area you live in. It can go to a larger percentage pretty quickly.
@@finished6267 it depends on how much money you have.
Just watched a series that covered real crimes (serial rapist in WA/CO) and one young victim 18 called the police. They worked her case-but her foster mom thought she was lying so the cops BELIEVED the foster mom although there was evidence of the rape and @ the crime scene. The two detectives not once, but twice manipulated this young woman into saying she had lied. After the first time the coerced her she went back with a counselor and while in the interview room they did it again. She was young, traumatized and they totally gaslighted her. It eventually all came out and the rapist was caught through detectives in CO working the case. The city was sued and she won.
@@wwpetko-6760 freakin sad!
People have always commented that I am a stubborn person, but now that I’ve seen this I realize that I was employing these tips naturally. It’s validating. Thank you.
People tend to do that, almost as a last ditch effort to make you stop.
Dirty is right. Everyone involved in this is a pig. He doesn't even know that you think he's a joke. He can't even hold his bowels.
Being stubborn just means that you do not accept getting railroaded.
One should only yield to the truth. And that's only because the alternative is to live a lie.
Sounds like a sticky situation. You might be the good or the evil. I guess it's hard to tell just from this comment
@@lav7161unfortunately this thought runs through our minds all the time and that's what makes it easy to manipulate us time and again. Because you always doubt that you could be the problem
I’ve noticed that when I am being manipulated and that feeling of discomfort takes over because it’s happening so quick, I tend to freeze and my childhood self comes out so I lose my sense of intelligence and self-control. It’s not till after the interaction that I can clearly see all the red flags. I pray that God blesses my awareness in my mind with the ability to act while the moment is happening so I may maintain my frame and not be taken advantage of. You’re doing a great service to humanity and for that may God bless you and yours always brother.
Please remember that God is there holding your hand to give you the strength to do it yourself.
The same exact thing happens to me!
It takes a lot of hits before learning to fight manipulation. Knowing the tricks are a good start.
Being aware of that discomfort is key: When you feel that, punch back. Automatically.
And be strong, my friend.
Oh my gosh, the part of your comment where you share: " I tend to freeze and my childhood self comes out so I lose my sense of intelligence and self-control ", resonates with me SO MUCH! You've expressed PERFECTLY in words the feelings I experience which I've been unable to describe. I've felt sometimes like I've gone a bit crazy when that happens to me & I've never heard someone else sharing that experience so I felt like something really was "wrong with me". I feel like it's happening so fast I can't react quick enough & I just turn into a kid & become even more unable to stick up for myself. I think the "wolves" instinctively "smell" this, & then it just gets worse. Anyways thank you for your comment ! I feel like I'm NOT alone in my reaction anymore! 🤗GOD BLESS YOU! 🥰
@Fred Conrad What is ALWAYS the most helpful course?
Praying is casting an intent. Confidence is believing you can. It makes no difference if you draw inspiration from a comic book character, a divine idea or your sister-in-law. In the end, action (or inaction) is up to you.
The brain is a system so complex it could as well be magical, for what we actually know about consciousness in 2022, I think.
Thank you so much for this! I was in a very toxic marriage & towards the end, they wanted to blame everything on me. So they called an "intervention" meeting & systematically broke me down in front of an audience & then filed for divorce claiming I had been extremely cruel to them. The legal battle is still going on with them throwing more & more accusations at me, presenting their opinion as facts. And i am having to very patiently navigate the legal system to be seen & heard based on actual evidence. I really wish I had found this 2 years ago. Even so, It is still very useful. It gives me the vocabulary to demonstrate what is happening in a situation & ammunition to protect myself.
Not everyone can defend themselves against an authority figure most are confused and compliant to false allegations. Thank you so much for this video.
Great tips. I’ve lived with a narcissist for 36 years. Gaslighting has done some serious damage to me but I’m getting out.
Good for you!!! We're all proud of you, you deserve happiness and peace. Prayers!!!
@@KimiCruz ♥️♥️
Do it. I worked with a narcissist, cant imagine living with one. Take care.
When somebody tries to tell me how I feel or how they think I should feel, not only do I immediately call them out on it, but I clearyly state that they have lost credibility with me and that I find their attempt at manipulation highly offensive.
What you call "Ambiguous social proof" I call "The band-wagon approach". It feels like social pressure because the argument is that everybody else agrees, so why don't you? I shoot this one down by pointing out that I'm not just anyone. I point out that I will be the first one to point out that "The emperor is naked".
Thank you for the confirmation. After several attempts at manipulation by someone I thought was my good friend, I had enough. Instinctively and without knowing, did several things you suggested. I asked her “What are you doing? What do you mean?” She could not give me an answer. I caught her by surprise. Then she said I was not thinking right. Again instinctively I responded, “That is how you may feel, not me. I don’t feel that way”. To make a long story short, we no longer talk. Not by my choice, but by hers. She cannot get away with manipulating me or putting me “on the spot” any longer….
awesome!
I've learned that asking questions is the single best method to exposing the agenda of others and giving you time to think and watch what the responses are
I was once accused of something at work and I rolled and said yes because I was so scared and the stress in my personal life was extremely high to the point I didn’t have the strength to fight. I think I’m going to make some inquiries tomorrow if it can be reopened. The information here should be taught to every high school senior. It’s life skills that most everyone needs at some point
They learn it from their parents or online.
You need more teenage daughters in your life. Brick, no, titanium walls
I agree. Schools waste Advisory time. Show this!
If only life skills were taught in schools. I know that this lesson should come from the parents but, too many parents dont have life skills.
I chose not to fight something I obviously could not have done, because my boss was intent on not wanting it to blow up into a he said she said. I expressed my bewilderment about it, but realized later the boss was aware this was a very toxic employee who also had the employee manual memorized. The easiest way was not to fight it and for boss to put in my file that he counseled me. He seemed to be on my side, but from his perspective it didn't matter if the event happened or not, only that it be contained. Afterward I always kept my guard up l around that employee and kept contact to a minimum. A year or so after the complaint I found the complaint and the remediation action were both gone from my employee file. He likes to keep problems contained lol. Having it disappear later meant it could not cause a cascade of other problems later, nor come back to life. I was in Indiana at a state institute with a huge amount of political sensitivity and oversight. It was always balanced on a knife's edge and could, and sometimes was, at the center of highly public controversy. He himself had been followed and filmed by an investigative reporter. He didnt get to associate director by being stupid nor by always seeking the truth lol, but by being aware of potential outcomes and optics. I had a lot of moral qualms about that, but I see him now as just a very smart guy.
I only discovered this guy recently but I owe sooo much to youtubers like him who taught me how to recognize and defend against narcissistic abuse. These people are needed more than ever. Narcissism has become a social disease that is ripping apart our culture.
Very scary world! Everyone on prescription drugs,alcohol, street drugs and massive stress!!!!!!!!!pffffffffffffffft!
So true, I face narcissistic abuse from my wife!!! This guy really opened my eyes with this video! Thank you so so much.
a social disease indeed.
Narcs are criminal beings, they should be in jail. 😭😭😭😭
Agreed!
"be excessively critical" I live by this
Oh the flashbacks to a lifetime ago I had with an ex...Thank you, God, that I got out! People, if someone isn't treating another person right, TELL THEM-it took a few years of people occasionally saying the way I was being treated wasn't right, but it finally stuck and I got out! Help others! God Bless!
My ex was a master gaslighter. No matter what argument we got in he would immediately say I was getting hysterical or overly emotional when I'd confront him about anything. I would try to stay calm, but couldn't help getting increasingly emotional trying to defend myself. He would then say 'see, you obviously are too emotional to have a conversation' and would leave. This type of mental abuse is so hard to spot sometimes and it makes the person just begin to feel weak and to question their mental health. I am so glad I finally gained the confidence to leave him.
me too! i didnt understand it at the time and I didnt want to see it. but I finally came around and knew for good i was done drowning. I literally had to use tactics, plan 6 weeks ahead, pretend to stay in his manipulation and gaslighting. I'm so glad to be ffree.
I'm a mature male and have enjoyed and continue to enjoy the company of women...many great women in my lifetime..
And...I've yet to meet a woman that doesn't get too emotional when discussing important topics and especially so if she legitimately 'lost' the argument. And no big deal, as it's just 'typical female behaviour'. Some men are like this too...
Ergo, you leaving your man for the reasons that you've stated, effectively asserting 'masculine toxicity' as the reason for leaving, is not only faux virtue signaling, it's actually gaslighting !! Think about it....
@@elgar6743 she's not asserting any such thing , she's saying her ex was manipulating her , she's not in anyway generalizing.
And no females don't all act emotionally when important issues are being discussed .. sounds to me like u choose that kind of female so u Can try to control them .
@@diamondkelp3993 Friend...unless you're the OP's 'representative', the first line of your comment to me is rather pretentious....
Your second sentence is patent 'projection'. Sounds like you've had rather limited experience with female behaviour. That, or you're a woman that doesn't like to accept a truth about general female behaviour.
Please refrain from projecting your insecurities on individuals that you know less than nothing about. It's rude and not a good look for you...obviously.
This is exactly what narcissist do, they're master manipulators because they've done it their whole lives (trick people with lies), they are condescending and cold towards someone who falls for them once they got them "on the palm of their hands", this is how they see their intimate partners, as someone they can get things from by successful manipulations. The coldness can be misinterpreted by others as calmness, but it hides behind it something darker than indifference.
The gaslighting as main tactic in arguments and coldness, denying you of any comfort, apology or affection, to people looking from outside it may seem as the narcissist is calm but in the relationship with a partner, it unveils real abuse.
If someone is in a relationship like that i'd say: be a victim NO MORE, don't let your feelings and goodness of heart mislead you, there has to be a balance in you and you have to look after yourself as well. Give the asshole some karma without letting him know, take from him what you can and leave that toxic relationship because down the line your mental health and wellbeing is more important. Before that, make sure you have things you can use against him in case he tries to destroy your reputation which is very likely specially in their circle.
This is something i wish i had done with the 2 narcissistic jerks i was involved with, but i was too good and nice, now i know better and although i didn't do it myself i encourage friends who suffer from toxic relationships and abuse of power at work and my ideas had help them massively. I wish i had have that kind of support when i was dealing with that myself.
You’ve made me realize that I do a lot of gaslighting and manipulation myself. 🥺 I’m gonna have to watch that. Thank you.
Love the honesty. We all do just many dont admit it
That means you're not malignant anyway.
@@sl4983 Yeah. I guess narcs aren’t known for their self awareness. 🤷🏼♀️
But I do think I know what people’s true motivations are and I’m always saying stuff like, “No, you’re doing this because you believe this ____, not because of this___. “ If I’m not saying it, I’m often thinking it.
I guess even if I’m right, I can’t tell people how they feel or what their beliefs are if they don’t see it that way. I have to give them the benefit of the doubt and remind myself that I don’t know sh*t about anybody else’s inner world and maybe even more importantly, it’s none of my business.
@@alymig70 and they don’t care! Good for you seeing something that you can improve. I’ve heard the term “healthy narcissism” so I suppose we all have a touch. Ego is hard to understand. Or it is for me!
Love that you're goal is to help people who are being manipulated! I was in a manipulative relationship, very bad gas lighting and it was difficult to get completely away from the person and I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. No one deserves to be treated that way!
After studying it, one thing manipulators tend to is that they tell you want they want you to feel. Trying to confuse you? Some how they will tell you. Trying to get a reaction from you? They will tell you how to feel. The list goes on and on. If you pay attention to others, they will always tell you what there intentions are. It is there to try and reinforce the idea. From those trying to manipulate you. I see it at my current work all the time, everyday, for 8 hours. It is really easy to spot the manipulation. I just ignore it and go about my business. Even it is best to let the enemy expose their intentions and not give them a reaction.
Having just officially cut-off a formerly close friend who was constantly telling me how I "really" feel. I'm here to tell you that a very skilled gaslighter *will* argue with you, even if you say "I disagree. I don't feel that way." They'll come up with reasons explaining why you're actually in denial or just rationalizing a "bad situation" to make it more manageable for yourself. They'll even go so far as to say you've been "brainwashed" into thinking you feel one way when you "really" feel another. And it's not easy to fight against that all the time, especially not when it's coming from someone you trust and care about, someone who knows a lot about you and is incredibly skilled at twisting every morsel of intimate knowledge about you into a bullet to shoot into your psyche.
In my case, just constantly telling myself that I didn't feel the way he kept telling me I felt only did so much. I also had to start concealing from him anything I could about the goings-on in my life, because then his gaslighting went from laser-guided sharpshooting to shots in the dark. And when a gaslighter is firing blind, it becomes much easier to see that what they're saying isn't true. Ultimately, though, the only permanent solution to unrelenting, unrepentant gaslighting is to cut the aggressor entirely out of your life. The very best thing they bring to the table is frustration and exhaustion, and nobody needs that in their life.
Shit man, sorry... That must have been hard...
@@neliaferreira9983 Thanks. Yeah, it was. But the weeks since he's been cut out have, frankly, been the most relaxed, happy, and drama/stress free since he wormed his way into my life years ago. No regrets.
@@CountessOfOle I was thinking the same exact thing as you when he said that! In my head I remembered all of the times I said things just like that in response to “you’re crazy” “you’re paranoid” “you’re so insecure you’re imagining things”… I’d argue and be like um how do you figure? And list all MY reasons why I’m sane and exactly what I was thinking/ feeling and they would just go harder. Even the “I disagree” one, it’s exactly like you said- an experienced manipulator will totally argue with that and use the private information they know about you against you.
It’s an awful feeling to have your personal business twisted into ammunition against you. I lived with someone like this for a year and I actually started to believe him at times, that I really was imagining things. Finally I got hard evidence and I left- thank god. All at once I realized how gaslit I had been and as painful as the truth was I was so relieved to know for sure that I could trust my own beliefs/ senses after all. It really was a terrible experience. I hope you’ve recovered btw
Not only that they tell you how you feel with such confidence that sometimes you will doubt yourself and feel misareble.
I don't know if this will help you in your situation, but these were the 2 things I used in order to manage my ex and keep my own identity intact while he was busying trying to tear me down and manipulate me.
"Thank you for explaining all of this to me"
I used this phrase when my ex would start an argument about one thing, and in the process, go off on a tangent about how I embarrassed him at an event or family gathering, or how I embarrassed myself by saying blah-blah or laughing at the wrong thing. I'd let him go on and on and on, while tuning out what he was saying, just letting him run out of gas. And once he was done telling me how inadequate I was and how unworthy I was, I'd just say "Thank you for explaining all of this to me, it's a lot for me to process so give me a day or two to think about it." and then I'd walk away. And of course, we never talked about it again. My whole purpose was simply to end the conversation without arguing, without agreeing with him and without believing a word he said about me.
"I'm glad one of us knows how I feel and what I'm thinking."
This was my one and only defense when my ex started telling me how I felt or what I was thinking.
There was no other phrase that would shut him up!
I absolutely knew that he was wrong and since he didn't live inside my head, he couldn't possibly know what I was thinking and feeling.
But arguing or denying or disagreeing with him just meant that the conversation was going to go on all night, and get more intense, until I broke down and agreed with him.
When he said "You can't think logically because of how you were raised" "You're paranoid and trying to rationalize your behavior". "You're not a stable person, you think everyone hates you (or, you think everyone is your best friend)", I'd say:
"I'm glad one of us knows how I feel and what I'm thinking."
I'd say it with a very humble and sincere face, not in a sarcastic way.
He'd puff out his chest and feel good that he'd put me in my place, and I'd walk away laughing to myself because I totally DID know how I felt and what I was thinking - and he didn't!
I learned over the 20 years I was married to him that the worst thing I could do was to try to change his mind about me or to argue with him. I could not win. “Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.”
With a mother who has been gaslighting me my whole life... This is gold!! Thank YOU soo much for this!🙏🙏🙏
Sounds like my mother too. It eventually stopped working, so she just lied to people about me instead. X
The worst thing about the whole situation is that i'm adopted! adopted to a narcistic mother. Turns out that this a frequent thing to do by narsistic people, my research has proven. i just again wxant to thank @the behavioral arts, it's because f you i found the most imortant invisible puzzle piece in my life!!!!!
Same here...I have friends that are shocked when I tell them I refused to let my mom inside my home. That she wasn’t allowed in my kids lives or my life. Some say I was disrespectful but they only know one side...my moms side(which only benefited her).
I would ask them how am I being disrespectful? Their answer “she’s your mother”
My response “yes she is. She’s an adult. I’m an adult. She doesn’t live in my home, she wasn’t asked to be a guest.”
They say” she just wants the best for you n your family”
I respond “me too, which is why I can’t have her in my family’s life.”
Same here. Learning is like finally I have tools
Of all the comments I’ve seen on TH-cam about toxic or abusive parents - I can’t actually think of one directed at the father. Always the mother. Interesting.
If being social is filled with these kinds of dangers.... Don't ridicule or diagnose me for keeping to myself.
You have literally described every person I have ever worked with in real estate, and the people in my family I have major issues with. This is amazing. Also it explains to me why I'm being gas lit and manipulated.
I'm a defence attorney and you have no idea how useful your videos are to me. Cannot thank you enough.
🤗 ❤️
Kudos to you for utilizing resources such as these to be more effective in your career. I am trying to avoid stereotyping here but I feel it's important that you know how amazing I truly think your extra effort is commendable in a world where immunity for prosecutors and various other positions of authority are, in my opinion abusing that privilege and failing to perform their duties based on actual human/oath standards by either being too complacent or lazy, and sloppy with regards to curing consequences towards self-improvement but rather and oftentimes if we've seen in this video condemnation. So again I appreciate you! Be well
@@aubreycheney7595 thank you so much for the support! I really appreciate the kind words. Thanks! :)
12% of federal inmates are innocent states the fed gov. You could help those inmates.
@@MichielGlas of course hun.
Wouldn't say it if it wasn't well deserved.
From personal experience I can't agree with the "why do you say that? " response. This opens the door for the manipulator to spout more lies and manipulation. And the last thing I want to do is have _a pointless_ confrontation with someone. I like the "I disagree".
It's really important to own and stick to your reality. Another tool is to set boundaries in relationships. Lawyering up, telling a salesperson what you want first, letting children, spouses, parents know what is unacceptable, these are boundaries. And learn to say nope'
I agree
@ notbill08 THIS is great advise, thank you. I am learning to do this, and I like myself so much more.
Yes @notbill08. Saying: ''why do you say that?'' or ''how do you know?'' to a false interview accusation is bit weak and non-assertive in my opinion. Best to say ''No, that's not true.''
I agree. From my experience the dialogue (or rather, monologue) would go something like:
“You’re not thinking clearly/ overreacting/behaving crazy/whatever the lie.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I say it for your own good. Because I love you so much and I want things to go well for you. You know I know you better than anyone, and you know that I care deeply about you. I’m the only one that does. This behaviour of yours will push normal people away, but I love you enough to stand it, because I want what’s best for you in the end even though your behaviour is hurting me badly right now.”
@@FilippaSkog Yeah. Asking: 'Why do you say that?'' just invites the manipulator to list 50 unreasonable criticisms into your face.
Several friends have experienced medical gaslighting. One had a 'therapist' who persistently lied for years. The poor person had experienced a severe head injury with undiagnosed damage to their brain, subsequent to an assault, yet the board certified Psychologists and Psychiatrists insisted their problems came from childhood experiences. Two friends had the big C and were dismissed as neurotic delaying treatment until too late. Gaslighting by people in positions of aucthority is abominable and practically impossible to overcome before the harm is done. Thank you for bringing such issues to the fore so eloquently.
I love that you are giving good questions to reply with, i tend to freeze up when I’m being accused of something.
« How do you know » is the best response :)
The best way to avoid a lot of drama and manipulation in your life is to make your own way and live alone. Sure, it can be a lonely road at times, but the payoff is peace and minimizing stress.
Man , you are so correct! Peace and a
Sound mind. Pure gold ✨️!
Or, you can surround yourself with good people!
Doesn't have to be a lot of them, but then your loneliness is solved, and you can still have peace :)
@@jenniferwerboweski7642 To weed out the abusive users from the benevolent
Good requires risk and power to endure
The abuse. After 25-30 years of punishment and a bad rub , I don't need
To surround myself with anyone but
Casual friends. Learning to be the most
Important person in your existence for me makes me feel well with equanimity.
The fewer people you chill with, the less bullshit you will deal with. Most times, inner peace and joy is found by that person who can sit somewhere all alone and be perfectly fine with it.
🤣 so true 👍
Peace of mind is always better than toxic companions.
I’m so done with manipulation it’s not even funny. I love being called crazy after years of manipulation as well it’s fantastic. If you can make it out of a situation where people are being manipulative without absolutely losing it, you’ve made it. When I encounter this it really just makes me want to literally run in the opposite direction.
me too... it's an extremely earned pace to exist when u have finally lived through that abuse and can now see the true evil in the world and know how to spot it
1) Extremely goal oriented -
What other options do we have?
2) try to dictate your mental state -
1. Why do you say that?
2. I disagree.
3) present their opinion, as fact -
How do you know?
4) ambiguous social proof -
Ambiguous social proof
5) 1 on 1 -
have a 3rd party
6) Exaggerate & Fabricate -
1. Be excessively critical.
2. Use deception indicators.
WOW. Your gaslighting examples struck a chord. I dealt with that for years with my (now) ex-wife. She would always say stuff like "My family is sick of your moodiness." Well, that was true, but it wasn't ALWAYS true. She continued to do this well past the point where my interactions had turned mostly positive and less moody with her family. It was pretty sick and disgusting behavior on her part and not based in reality. But I didn't see it at the time; though I see it now, far removed from my marriage. I mean, I did know about it a bit when married. I would challenge my ex about her assertions. She would say utterly awful stuff like "My Mother was only "acting" kind towards you and humoring you." Some people in this life are far too gone and you need to stay the hell away from them friends! I am telling you that if you find this type of behavior in a love relationship, RUN AWAY ASAP, or at least try to get your SO into couples counseling to try it.
These videos are excellent and informative; if not a little grim for those of us that got gaslight for years on end. Thank you.
Thank you. I wrote notes and I’m going to study them. I have mild autism, so this has happened to me a lot. I’m currently coming out of a 6 year relationship where I was manipulated and gaslit to the point I honestly didn’t know how I would keep surviving. Thank you, this is a game changer for me.
❤ I’m with you. Am similarly on the spectrum
Same here. Bad people manipulate me and hurt me i have autism
I'm newly diagnosed as autistic. I'm seemingly being told ..... that I don't know what I am talking about. At the same time being told yeah you may be smarter than me but not smarter than the bunch of us. All I have been trying to do is get some help with things . This has helped me. Thanks
@@markblaze4909 Me too, all the time. 💔
@@Jan-cg4tk I’ve noticed people are a little jealous of some of the gifts we have on the spectrum. :/ It makes getting help really hard. Well, good luck to you and fingers crossed for your diagnosis. Much love your way.
I wish I knew everything this guy knows.. I literally have an entire family of narcissists constantly manipulating, belittling and gaslighting.. this is pure gold. ♡♡
I once spoke to a holocaust survivor. He said that if you know who you are inside, you can survive any kind of manipulation or suffering. Being able to stand up and firmly say "No, you are wrong." gives you all the power you need. They can try to convince you of anything, torture you, starve you, frighten you and more. However, even if you can only whisper the truth safely in your own head, you will survive and maintain your sanity. They can even force you to say or do atrocious things, but they cannot make you a bad person. As long as you keep remembering that they are wrong and that you are good, you won't lose yourself.
To me, this is the very definition of integrity. Know yourself, know you are a good person, and you can stand strong enough to weather any storm. He also said to listen to yourself. If you ever hear yourself saying "I would never do that." or "I am not like that." it's time to walk away. Trust yourself, and you will be unbreakable.
Very true! As someone who has survived extraordinary amounts of extreme abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, false allegations and other mindgames - I fully agree! I have maintained my sanity in just this way.
Thank you for the information from the Holocaust survivor... excellent direction.
Thank You
Thank you and I am going to take screen shot , reread again and again ….Thank you very much
My feet tingled right away. I've been surrounded by people like this most of my life. Picked up some tips from you. Thanks. It's not easy accepting being in the situation and playing games I'm at a disadvantage but honest statements bring it to a stop very well and don't compromise my morals. Thanks.
Really, Yours did? Mine didn't. Wonder if that means anything 🤔
I grew up around a lot of narcissistic, manipulative relatives so all of this just come naturally to me- good to know how I determine manipulation is right
And it gets worse when you're hypersensitiv and easily to put in guilt. They always try to get away from facts and turn everything into something personal.
Thanks for the tips.
What helps me:
I'm an author, so I'm using everything for my novels instead of having a hard time of asking myself, why somebody tried to manipulate me ;-)
It’s the guilt trip with the manipulation that fucks me up and gets me to stay every time , like for example: you don’t have any interest i me anymore … your so selfish I’ve done so much for you .. when in reality he gaslight me lied and cheated and got caught, begged and promised me he would do anything to make things work … (future faking) , said things like we can’t start working on things until you return home , then did nothing he promised, did nothing I suggested to make things better or to earn my trust back , that’s when he started the accusations that I’m cheating on him now 🙄( projection maybe or just insecurities) and have “no interest in him because I hate being physically intimate with him now, we shouldn’t even be together and we wouldn’t be if I would of caught these things in time , I think it’s all manipulation in some form or another,
@@just_peachy6582women have too much hope that a guy can change, since your fair sex has a propensity to substitute hope and emotions for reality. Many women are seriously narcissistic also. They believe they have the talents and skills and virtues needed to change a guy.
I never knew about Gaslighting, you literally opened my eyes what somebody has been doing to me an my family for years. Now I can put a explanation to there behavior… thanks
Ok, that's creepy. His suggestion worked twice, I went back to re-watch a portion and watched the suggestion again. Knowing it was coming, the tingling was more intense the 2nd time.
As for the main content, I'm saving this one to review repeatedly as a refresher.
Love your content. :D
I've been gaslighted before and will surely never let it happen again. Thank you.
My husband used to gaslight me. That was 20+ years ago. He had me questioning everything to the point I was writing things down on a calendar. I wish I had known what gaslighting was back then bc it would have made my life far easier.
I had a friend who did these to me over the years, but I was so blinded by the word friendship. When he was down mentally I showed my support and brought him into my group of friend and show tolerance to his attitude, but later I realized I was being manipulated it was all an act. He was a double face, treat me like shit in private and once we are in group he has a complete saint act. After broken away from this friendship I do feel better about myself and surrounding, realized I missed many opportunities and some friends because I tried to defend this false friendship.
You tried telling me to feel stuff in my feet- i felt nothing. At uni we did a suggestibility 'test'. I 'failed'. I went to a stage hypnotist show. I was sent down from the stage because i couldn't be hypnotised. Yet somehow i still get bamboozled in life. These manipulators want their way and the people pleaser in me wants to make them happy. For now I will stay indoors as much as possible because I can't with all that anymore. I think I have finally found some useful resources to help me manage better 'out there' with people. This channel is one of them. I think the persuasion content will be useful for me so thank you.
Brilliant video, Spidey! Not only did this make me realise of times when I was manipulated, especially during salary/appraisal negotiations, but also made me realise when I tried to manipulate someone in my social and/or work life. This was not only extremely informative, but also very self-reflective, and we, as humans, can only live, learn and try to be better.
Thanks so much for this.
Wow. I didn’t even think of that second part lol but yeah I try to stay away from these things myself of course 😊
You have good vibes, brother.
Lets also talk about all the evil sociopaths and psychopaths who daily manipulate to/and not get appropriately handled for the evil things they do.
Well said!
True. We all put ourselves as victims. But some people are being RASED to act as manipulators. They don't understand it can be a negative thing. They think it is a positive thing. And maybe in certain context may be so... I am not manipulative. Never been. Don't like when my gut feeling tells me a person dialogue is as such. But many people, specially professionally (aka car sales person as mentioned in this video) are suppose to be such. Everything sale related usually is. Advertising is... So if you work in this fields and you are studding to be successful on them... aren't you learning how to manipulate people?
Yet manipulation associated with the intend of hurting another person, making her lose a job, or friends, or reputation - brings different consequences from trying to manipulate the consumer to buy a car.
Notes:
6 ways to spot and stop manipulation:
1. Extremely goal-oriented
Counter:
- What other options do we have?
2. Try to dictate your mental state
Counter:
- why do you say that?
- I disagree
3. Opinions as facts
Counter:
- how do you know?
4. Use ambiguous social proof
Counter:
- how do you know
- (opposite) ambiguous social proof
- third party witness
5. work 1 on 1
Counter:
- seek third party. witness/ lawyer
- hold on I just want to verify that. (let me call my friend and see if she/he would agree)
6. exaggerate and fabricate
(such as using pictures to create false memories)
Counter:
- be excessively critical (if something feels incredibly wrong, ask for more evidence/get all the facts, don't get someone else's opinion, form your own)
- use deception indicators
Thanks
I wish therapists knew stuff like this. I've had a family member making up blatant lies right in front of the therapist and they either don't see it or they say they can't call them out on it. So basically they're enabling this kind of abuse. Of course I've also seen this from therapists too.
I was watching 90 Day Fiancé and Big Ed was very impatient and short tempered. When his fiancé was like what is wrong with you and pointed it out, he told her she’s being immature and told her what mental state she’s in. I was FLABBERGASTED! He brought the drama, she questioned it, and he told her she’s crazy.
There are a LOT of highly manipulative people on that show. Ed is definitely one of them, Jazmine is another, Angela. The list goes on and on
There should be courses on this topic in schools. Over the past 20 years of my life I can pinpoint several instances where things I did and choices I made were based on lies I was told and someone manipulating me to what they wanted. It can truly be a life changing, life disrupting, happiness blocking , and mind f*cking experience when one trusts a manipulator. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the person I was meant to be.
I've been around the block plenty with manipulators, and here's what I've learned:
They have a goal - what do they want from you and how might that benefit them?
They pressure you to commit - they'll say or imply that this is your only chance, there's a time limit, or etc..
They dominate the conversation - they're not taking in and responding well to your point of view, if you even get the chance to express it.
If you try to assert some control in the conversation or put up resistance, they raise the stakes - use more pressure, even maybe anger or meanness to get you off balance. The more assertive you are, the stronger or quicker their effort to take control.
However respectful they may sound, they are not coming from a position of mutual respect - they'll try and convince you that your position is wrong, rather than accepting your feelings or your thoughts on the matter and adjusting accordingly.
They criticize or belittle you, or try and make you feel inferior in some other way. They're trying to weaken you.
They position themselves as your savior, your helper, or superior in some other way. They may present a risk or a dire consequence for you and imply that they can help you. They may use false kindness or false empathy.
They offer to do something for you that's attractive to you but unlikely to work, or something that you can't measure or hold them accountable for.
If you're weakened already - lack of sleep, not feeling good, depressed, anxious, worried (finances, health, a loved one, etc.) - you're more vulnerable to gaslighting, pressure, attacks on your self esteem, etc.. If you admit that, they'll use it. And if you want to take a break from the conversation to resolve it, they'll try to get you to stay.
If you maintain appropriate boundaries - if it seems to they they're not going to succeed in getting what they want - they lose interest in you.
These are things I've noticed in "every day" manipulators, those I've run across at work or in regular social interactions, sales pitches, etc.. A boss once told me that "everyone" at work didn't like me. When I said, "oh really. Like who? Who's said that? I'd like to ask them why and see if we can resolve it," the boss changed the subject.
Thing is, I've learned that you can win the battle with a manipulator, but not the war. When you realize that you're dealing with someone like that, the best thing you can do is get them out of your life.
Yes. All of this
Nice summary.
Yo the best comment I came across is this .thnx for ur help
Great explanation of everyday manipulators, especially that you can win the battle but not the war. Losing means nothing to them. They just recalibrate and reorganize and work from a different direction.
Fantastic video. I have ptsd from narcissistic abuse and manipulation 7 years ago and it still causes me a lot of problems today. This video really helped and I feel equipped to deal with anything similar that might happen in the future. Big love to you ❤
What happened, if you do not mind me asking
Me too from my dad and ex husband. This is so helpful. It’s good to see people trying to help fight this behavior
I've discovered that if someone says, "don't you think" at the beginning of a conversation, they don't want to know what you think. They want to know if you agree with them or not.
Also, if someone comes at you with, "don't you think you aut to" at the beginning of a sentence, it's not a question it's a demand hidden in the form of a question!
People get really mad when you bluntly tell them to stop being manipulative.
Trying to figure out if someone agrees with your assessment or not is not necessarily manipulation. It is never the best way to get a thoughtful response though lol. Don't you agree?
@@Bf26fge
Not really, the tone of the the question would play a part.
If you are not being manipulative than you would ask someone what their opinion is without giving you're own opinion in the in the question.
So no I disagree with you.
It's like when the media says that Biden or Trump thinks this, that, or the other.
Ask yourself,
Do they really know what that person thinks?
Have they spoken to this person?
Has this person blatantly said what the media is reporting they think?
If the answer is NO to any of those questions then they aren't reporting what that person thinks. They are reporting and manipulating you by telling you what THEY think Biden or Trump thinks.
The world is a manipulative place especially if you understand what to look and listen for.
This was my ex-wife…I’ve been going to therapy, but this was a succinct and brilliant video showing what she did to gaslight me. Very eye opening, thank you.
This is bringing back so many things I`d forgotten about from thirty odd years back.
In the Royal Marines we were initially given basic training in what`s known as R2I , Resistance To Interrogation . As a Marine in a rifle company the knowledge that you had, which would be advantageous to an enemy, was limited. You knew what your company was doing, you knew in less detail what your Unit was doing and you knew even less detail as to what Commando Brigade was doing. Once you moved away from life as a Marine in a rifle company and into more specialised roles that were "prone to capture" roles, the extent and amount of R2I that you underwent increased exponentially. None of it was pleasant and as you went deeper into these roles, it only got worse.
The experts in this field in UK Armed Forces are a unit known as JSIC, pronounced jaysic. They draw members from every branch of the Services, hence their name, Joint Services Interrogation Centre. Besides being world class interrogation specialists, they also teach methods to resist. How to seem cooperative whilst saying nothing of value. How to be an unlikely suspect, the 'grey man'.Various physical and mental techniques to maintain that inner focus. I`ve used these many times to good effect in interactions with law enforcement over the years, even in job interviews and with abusive acquaintances/partners. Usually because I can spot their bullshit before they start. My advice to anyone in dealing with a request from law enforcement to come in and help clear things up, is to say no. Any police interview stay silent till your legal rep gets there. Every question they ask you is a loaded question, remember you have the right to remain silent.
Use it.
Learned this the hard way when i was 14: police interrogated me and holy shit did they use every single manipulative technique known to mankind. The popo is out to bent u over and nothing else. They don't know, they don't care, and they don't even try to,all they want is to go home early.
NEVER! talk to the police. EVER!
3 words “borderline personality disorder”. Spent almost 20 years in this spider’s web of manipulation and deceit. Had no idea what this was. Destroyed a huge part of my life before I realized it.
Love your work & hope you're helping some of the wrongly convicted. Many of them would obviously be from low socio-economic backgrounds, & maybe grown up with low self esteem because their parents didn't know any better.
You seem to have a lot of empathy and a strong moral compass. Kudos to you
Having been in a narcissistic marriage and now having to coparent with him, I love these. I'm hoping I can teach my child these to help them navigate since I can't stop the exposure altogether. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so worried for them.
🥺🥺. I’m so sorry to hear this. Glad you got out tho. Remember the key element is to keep conversations on the logic and fact plane, not the emotional and psychological plane. Gaslighters have a very hard time with people who stay calm and converse in facts.
It's because most women are only attracted to "alphas". A narcissist is a false-alpha. So you got fooled.
Lesson learned, huh.
I feel strong empathy to your situation having been in that same position. In my experience, these tips will work. Disengaging from the narcissist in my life took me four years. What finally worked was using these techniques. Also, witnesses. I avoided one on one contact,. The person would call me out of the blue and at first I was like a deer in headlights. I resolved that with refusing to take the phone calls and insisting on text only. The text became my witness. Also, creating clear strong boundaries and sticking with them helped. Kora, your children have you, and that is the strength they can build on.
Malignant, covert or vulnerable Narc ? I sometimes think my ex was all 3 but likely the last one....
He is gone, but still in my head a decade later!
( silent screaming)
Im sure you already know, but Dr Ramani (on youtube) has some fantastic videos on Narcissists and how to co-parent/deal with them. She really helped me get out of a narcissistic relationship x
When I was thirteen I went on an exchange trip through my school and my exchange partner had a party at her place. There were drinks and it was loud, and for a good portion of it there weren’t any parents around. I hadn’t ever been exposed to that kind of environment before and I’m a pretty sensitive person so for me it was kind of terrifying. Fast forward to the end of the week and my teacher asks me about that night specifically. I told her how I’d felt and her response? “No, you weren’t scared. People only get scared when there’s something to be afraid of.” I had an immediate loss of respect for her right then and there, and her answer still angers me to this day. I absolutely resonate with the sentiment of hating when people tell others how they’re feeling cuz it happened to me and even though I saw through it, it still hurt.
Teachers can be some of the worst people I've ever met.(Technically, I only had one good teacher in all my school & college years & I went to private schools!)You'd think that there would be a rigid screening process to make sure that they're not going to do more harm than good with the vulnerable children that they're entrusted with.
I read your comment several times now. Perhaps you left out some details. I can't figure out what your teacher said that was wrong. Your teacher was empowering you to challenge your own emotions so you could learn to take control of your reactions to uncomfortable environments. I hope my children have teachers like that and not ones who simply accept a child's perspective. That's how people manipulate others, using their fears as the momentum to become their comforter or build on those fears to steer them into a darker place. Your teacher was empowering you to turn on your own lights. I mean look at some of the comments to your story. They're just feeding your fears and causing you to resent someone who tried to empower you who really cared about you. They're narcissists. You're the prey.
To presume to know someone else’s mental state is seriously presumptuous and only the most IGNORANT people are presumptuous. It infuriates me how these “teacher” are considered educators.
Maybe or maybe not. You’re being presumptuous.
Either way, she couldn’t possibly “know” if the student was or wasn’t scared. I’d lose respect for such an ignorant “teacher” too.
I dated someone once who used the psychological warfare tactics they learned as a green barrette special ops in the military to manipulate normal citizens to get what they wanted. It was absolutely terrifying to see it all play out to their advantage and hurt so many people.
The more I watch videos like this and read books about abuse, the more I understand what I went through as a child, and with that understanding comes healing. Part of me wishes that I'd had the knowledge and courage I do now, but I know it wasn't my fault and that I can only move forward.
Smart thinking, don't let your past control your future! You can't change it, learn from it and move forward!
We all have those regrets, don't we? Bad Parenting does a lifetime of serious damage.
I have just experienced this manipulation from my employer. I used your methods to question their criticisms of my work. They were unable to continue criticizing my work ethic and they had to retreat. 100% your advice works! I’m a youth worker that is passionate about helping young people thrive. You are helping me and countless others “fight the good fight”. From Vancouver, Canada … bless you and your desire to make this a better world for us all ❤️
Be careful about who you trust online. Not everybody has the best interest of others. Unfortunately, we live in a society where people enjoy hurting other people just for their amusement. May love and protection follows you everywhere you go.
🙏Thank you so much for sharing this video! 🌹I've put a NAME to what I'm going through; Im being MANIPULATED & GASLIGHTED by my childrens father & its been going for years that I've questioned my own sanity. 💔My 20 year old son who lives with him;BLOCKED me & DOESN'T communicate with me. Apparently my ex LIED to our son that I called Child Protective Services on him; When the TRUTH is our young daughters PSYCHIATRIST (whos the head of a major hospital's Mental Health Department) - REPORTED him to CPS for NEGLECTING to give our daughter her mental health meds (because he'd a wrestling coach & all she need is sports & physical activity) & REFUSING to take her to therapy- because she DOESN'T need therapy; she just need to TALK to him.
Being able to spot when someone is lying to you is actually a great tool for everyone to have but especially women. They can use that information to help protect themselves from Sexual assault among many other things. This should be taught in self defense classes. Self defense is not just physical. Mental self defense and having tools like being able to tell when you’re being lied to are great self defense tactics.
100%. Recognizing manipulation from men is a matter of life and death for women.
@@sarahmunson1778 Recognizing it is not going to save you for when they decide to attack you.
Wonderful way to put it.
@@RonkeStation Actually, recognizing it before it happens gives an opportunity to defend/get away. I've experienced it.
Expecially women? Bro they the manipulators 😂😂
This video is fantastic. I love how it levels the playing field, for those of us (like me) who tend to be people-pleasers, and tend to assume the best in others. People like me are "easy marks" for manipulators. So to avoid being a "whale" (yes I was literally told this by a manipulator), use these techniques!
Thank you Spidey!
@@cjjohnson7095 People who are "easy marks" for manipulators.
In slang dictionaries it can simply mean a person in a casino who can make very large bets. I usually picture a rich, overweight guy who is naive. But to a scammer or manipulator, a whale is great because their con payoff is higher.
@@cjjohnson7095CJ Johnson? This is a long shot but my name is Natasha. Did we date for a while in Tucson? If not, sorry lol. If so, how are you!?
Ya I’m the same way. The lengths people will go to bs another person is insane
Wow, memories throughout my whole life just played watching this video. I’ve been manipulated, gaslighted, etc. my whole life! 😳
This was such a great educational video! Thank you so much!
My pleasure. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. Hopefully this can help you navigate those situations better 🤗
I'm dealing with an angry manipulative boss at the moment and praying to god that i get a new job soon, because shes's so unbearable to work for, like high blood pressure causing
I’ve experienced manipulation in a couple of relationships and both resulted in gaslighting and false accusations. I ended up losing contact with my daughter from my first marriage and she is now in her late 30’s and completely screwed up and wants nothing to do with me because of all the poisoning that went on.
I eventually met someone who trusts me and I trust her absolutely. I hate manipulators and liars like no other, I always said I would rather be physically assaulted rather than mentally abused, because that is what was going on.
I am in the same situation..only its worse for me. My ex fell on hard times, due to generational mental illness. Our daughter has also fallen to this.
Now they are both in my house because they have no where to go, and my Ex is trying to get our daughter to trust me after a lifetime of hammering her with how completely evil I supposedly am...and its not working.
I get your overall meaning but not all manipulation is bad. I've manipulated my hubby into healthier food choices... just saying... love wants me to keep him alive longer.. for love not for torture or manipulation.
Hope your still happy today.
I've found that some parents do these false memories implanting- even if it wasn't intentionally. They do that when they don't believe the kid's side in a situation and by insisting on the way they think things happened, the child may end up believing it was how mom/dad said it was.
The thing is that such narrative is reinforced by the parents every time their need to control their child's behavior is challenged.
My boss gaslighted me before firing me. He tried to destroy my self worth, but I responded with a feedback that he couldn't stomach. If he just told me nicely that they are getting rid of my position to change the structure, I'd understand. But he chose to attack the very sacred thing - professional self worth. I'm still recovering. But I'm glad I stood for myself, told him everything in my letter. Don't leave their write ups without responding - attack back, you'll respect yourself later.
I love this, especially when books or articles are being suggested allowing an in depth read to further knowledge on the subject. The guy is also so talented and knowledgeable that it’s a pleasure to watch!
I enjoyed this. As a lone wolf personality type, I have endured manipulative relationships by standing up for my point of view and not giving a $#!+ what anyone thinks. This content offers more sophisticated/diplomatic tools. Thank you!
Same, everyone says (inserts bad thing). ‘Really how nice of them to say that’
Same
Lone wolves must neither be stupid, nor ill-informed, nor weak. Plus: Joe Dever's Lone Wolf Magnamund books were quite cool. 🤗
@@anonymousnation5235 Nothing like the clarity of mind you can only find within.
@@anonymousnation5235
This is true. Although I do enjoy having company, I am also very happy being alone, with quiet, and no distractions from my thoughts.
Best video so far. My abusive Ex wife used to pull these tactics in me. She went to law School and used lawyer trickery on me in every day life. I figured it out after about 3 years.
Oh man. So sorry to hear. Lawyers have some great psychological tactics but they should not be used in personal life.
I can’t believe how accurate you are in describing my experience.
I have an ex who kept trying to be mean and gaslight me. So the last time she did, I said are you okay? She said, I’m fine why? I said because none of my actual friends would talk to me like that. She blocked me and I haven’t heard from her since. Always remember that bullies are cowards and they will run away if challenged.