Burnt Toast Syndrome: Women Who Sacrifice Themselves to Make Others Happy
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 2 ต.ค. 2024
- Thinking about the impact of religion and female socialization, it's no surprise that millions of women believe they are less important, less valuable, and deserve less happiness than their men or children. Women sacrifice their freedom, bodies, joy, happiness, educational and professional goals, and autonomy all for the sake of providing men and children with what THEY want.
It's time for women to understand the many ways they overgive and sacrifice without even thinking about it.
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Learned my lesson, ages ago. These men don't care about you. And neither do these grown kids they leave you with to raise. Invest in yourself ladies, don't be a doormat. ...
One of my favorite words to utter is the word NO. My tolerance for bullsh*t is so low, I cut a dude off because he said something slick out his mouth to me. He was a fu*k boy anyway.
This is so me!! NO is a complete sentence in my book. No one looks for an explanation when I say yes, so I don’t offer one when I say NO. 😂
The Clair Huxtable Type I love your statement never thought about it that way,love it!
Yup, alot of women are like this. I have female family members who choose Everyone else over themselves. They judge me because I'm selfish as hell. They ask why I could be like this. Because I don't end up like you! I've seen you sacrifice your lives, and you ended up miserable, and washed up. What did you benefit all those decades of caring for everyone else? I'm sorry I'll never end up like them. I love me the most. If I don't benefit, I don't do the shit. More women need this sense of self love. It starts with childhood. We tell the girls to watch the younger siblings when they should be to playing with their Barbie's. They should not be taking care of some mammie bitches crotch goblin, while the boys are off being bey bey kids.
You're so right! This crap goes on in a lot of families.
This was so insightful. I just got two great job offers in different states and people are telling me what about your kid she will have to change schools. So what I’m so sick of not being where I want professionally because I was worried about the opinions of others. Fuck all that. Thanks Deb.
The schools will probably be better anyway. Some folks really hate to see a sistah soar. Pay them no mind. Do what you need to do for you and your child.
Congrats on the job offers! Thanks for this comment as well. A women doesn't have to put her life on hold for her children.
Faith AMEN!!!!!!!!I'm SO glad ANOTHER WOMAN has said this.
A 3rd time divorced demoted female friend, (she is now an acquaintance) felt sorry for me that I would never get married because i don't want to compromise what I want for myself to support a man. I asked her "Well how did all that supporting and giving and slaving and cooking and cleaning and him first do for you to keep husband #1? What about husband #2 and husband #3 (that she got annulled because he was dx bipolar and cra cra.... and wasn't/didn't want to take his meds.... hahaha).. i'm like bye girl.. you are not the bucket of advise i'd want access too..... smh..
Eliza Noslen, "i'm like bye girl...you are not the bucket of advise i'd want access too"....LMBO!!!!!!!!!!!
Eliza Noslen lol lol I love this comment, this is sooo true. Ppl who ain’t got no business talking always tryna give advice!! 🤣😂
My 15 year old daughter listened to this and she was like oh uh uh. Kids and husband are NOT for me. She also said, I'm gonna be an engineer and I'm gonna be traveling and doing what I want when I wanna do it. I told her good girl and stay that way!
I fully agree. When I dropped religion, the burnt toast went with it, and I couldn't be happier :)
Dark Maiden YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
This is a powerful message. I was there and I said F**K IT! It's me time TOO, I'm a priority, and everything under my matriarch benefits when I take care of me.
I've seen my mother like this, not with men, but with family! I've had several uncle's and cousins live with her, use her for food and warm house, not pay bills and leave when they are ready. She was very strict with me but could never defend herself with family. I noticed I started following that path and now I'm on a selfish route . I had family ask me for money, live with me and come to me for many things. Now I'm putting my foot down and being selfish. It's not worth it guys . I know now that putting others happiness first have left me single, childless and sad
You right. We are taught to sit and suffer our whole lives.
Yes, it's true especially with mothers. I saw it with my precious late mother and grandmother. My mother told me she gave up on her dream to be a nurse because my dad did not want a wife who'd work night shifts! So sad that they have to do all that for everyone else at their own expense. I honestly think not getting married is a better option. :(
Thee Real One woww. They have day shift and regular clinic hours. Thats crazy
BlessedVivi I'm from South Africa by the way. He didn't want her working any kind of night shift. Basically it was about her sacrificing her goals because of his insecurities. It is crazy for sure.
💯 percent FACTS! This is why I remain single & loving it. I enjoy my freedom.
Great Video!
I found myself dealing with eating burnt toast, but in my case it was mostly with family. Ever since I've turned 40 (I'm 44 right now) I learned to enjoy doing things for myself and I especially love living alone. I have gotten myself in debt paying various relatives bills, being called selfish for not accepting the bull crap that comes with dealing with trifling men, and not being able to travel like I want because I have to help my mother baby sit various relatives kids! I found myself being more at peace during the past four years, by not having this eating burnt toast mentality.
Example: last year when my dad threw my older brother out of the house (my brother's issues is another topic) my mother tried to guilt trip me to let him stay with me (I have a one bedroom apartment). My brother has to be told to clean up like he is some kid, never had any type of solid work history, eats everything in the house like it is no tomorrow (bitch and complain when you cook something out of the ordinary), has a overall funky attitude, and wants to come and go like he wants. I basically told my mother no and I specifically told her the listed reasons why I have no desire to have him living under the same roof with me!
Exactly my family dynamic and I have the same issue with my brother. I'm tired of my family.
Wow, this _really_ made me think. I have to admit in that situation with a husband and kids I would have taken the burnt toast. I would have never thought to throw the burnt toast away and to cut up the good toast in new equal shares. Hmm. Thanks for giving me some food for thought.
So happy i never got married
You're NOT NOT NOT missing anything.
Not surprisingly it even continues in the divorce process- in my experience the MF doesnt even want to compromise on the 401k...they are the most selfish beings on the planet. Socialized and engineered to be this way. Women co-sign. Balance is the key-we have to show the behavior we want by placing yourself in the same position you place others. I look at my daughters- I'm proud to be their mother, but don't deny the task. It is work. Mothers are the first teachers. Please give your daughters a break- keep your foot in your son's ***ss. Hopefully he will take it into adulthood...
“they are the most selfish beings on the planet. Socialized and engineered to be this way. Women co-sign. Balance is the key...Please give your daughters a break- keep your foot in your son's ***ss. Hopefully he will take it into adulthood”
Preach! 🙌🏾
Very true and exhausting and makes you want to die.sometimes I don't get to sleep 3 days in a row then my body starts hurting every where because I have to be responsible for way to many people.💯💯💯💯💯💯💯✔👏
Girl, you need to start practicing how to say the following bullshit removing phrases:
NO!
NOT DOING IT!
THE FUCK I LOOK LIKE DOING THAT SIMPLE SHIT?
YOU GOT ME CONFUSED WITH A BITCH WHO GIVES A FUCK!
DO IT YA DAMN SELF!
I'M NOT MOVING!
FUCK OUTTA HERE!
DON'T ASK ME FOR SHIT!
HELL NAW!
GET OUTTA MY FACE!
STOP BOTHERING ME AND GET A DAMN LIFE!
YOU AREN'T HELPLESS GO ON SOMEWHERE!
Things like that.
Deborrah Cooper lol so true dua them now....lol😁
I've consumed about 2 slices....that was it! No more self sacrificing. However, on a larger scale....we as women are being force fed "burnt toast" concerning our bodies and acceptance of "new agendas". You are absolutely correct Mrs Cooper....Women should be protesting against these proposed legislation and laws. Much Gratitude for bringing this discussion to forefront 👏🏾
When a person can't give no more themselves.. "IT'S OVER".
This channel is everything. Sharing it with as many people as possible. So many women need this knowledge. Thank you.
Thank YOU!
Thank you Deb so much for this channel . It's taken me almost 30 years to unlearn all this bullshit !
10K Subscribers! Congratulations! This burnt toast concept gave me the visual I needed to explain burn out while in a marriage/ relationship. This goes true especially when we are tricked into being super step mom, wife, or this Proverbs 31 woman.
My question is, Why are they the main ones who will try and fault you for not doing the same when they know deep down they are the doormat with permission?
(Just like the friends who all have kids, wondering why you don't have any yet when I can blatantly see that's a burnt toast route?)
Very eye opening- WOWWWW!!! I have a friend right now thar has even lost her eyebrows and she keeps sacrificing. not heeding to my warnings about her health. smh. Shes indian too-- u know that culture is cray on their women. smh. I had to check myself too. Guilty of a number of these points
Ive eatin burnt toast and cold meals for years, why my husband and my kids get to sit and make demands on me and watch TV and enjoy their meals hot...
Stop letting them. When you sit down to eat start saying "get it yourself, I'm eating." When the toast is burnt, cut pieces in half and you be sure to get 2 halves of the best nicest looking ones. Pour your juice and coffee and sit down. Their arms aren't broken! They need to be serving YOU anyway! Lazy shiftless bums!
oh no sis!
I make them get up! I make their plates and then that's it
i even make an announcement that once I'm seated I'm not getting up unless it's for me to use the restroom
Great video with sooooo much powerball info. I learned a long time ago to stop sacrificing myself for others no matter who they are. I've learned to exercise the principal of reciprocity.
Wow. When I think of all the burnt toast I've eaten......ungrateful husband. Hostile, ungrateful, entitled, indifferent, uncaring husband. No thank you. Not even thank you. Just NO. I've been single since 1995. I'm happy being happy. Never marry again!!
Sorry to hear that. Burnt anything is nasty. Glad you are here for DEBRUARY 2021 on Self-Love.
I would definitely NOT have children again!!!
Thank you Deborah for this video this is so true all the stuff that you mentioned I know other women in my family like this some who have passed away just being so selfless not doing nothing for them, they died that way, so sadI used to be like this as well. I wish that more men would understand instead of being angry at women thinking that women get everything they want and don't have to give up anything whereas they are the ones that make out, and don't really have to change anything will give up anything. But have to say this is one of my favorite videos of yours!
I must admit as a new mother I was tempted to become a stay at home mom. But one night my lovely husband came home from work and started to bitch about the house not being clean enough (I spent a whole day with a fussy baby). I couldn't get rid of him right away because I was economically dependent on him and still in love. However I quit the idea of staying at home. My kid went to a daycare when he was 1 year old. It came with a lot of suffering for me and surely for him, but now I am happy I did so. 3 years later my marriage was so bad that I ended it. However I ended it working as a programmer, so I was able to pay everything by myself. The husband moved out, I didn't have to size down with my lifestyle and living conditions. Upgraded furniture, got a decent desk for work. Ladies, take care of yourself and your earning prospects.
Seem that's what I am talking about!!!
@@Debsterism Definitely. I love your content. I think you do a very valuable thing not only for your community but also for someone like me, a traditionally raised and now emancipated eastern european woman :) I will recommend your content to every woman that comes my way.
I'm tired of eating burnt toasts!!!!!! "I'm putting myself first as of today, in the name of Jesus,"
Yes!!! You got this!
Hello Deb, I don't know if you take requests, but here goes. Can you please do a video or a series on the mysogny within the "woke" or black consciousness movement? Thanks!
Spot on again!!!! You are sooo deep, resourceful, and TRUE!!!! Great work!
I disappear, do what I want and come back. Move in silence.
Glad someone brought out the truth!😉
Maan aunty Debby thank you so much for helping a lot of us. You are an elder and a teacher also a friend to us. I was all of this. I have been eating burned toast up until last year. I'm now 37 and having a hard time forgiving myself cause I keep remembering all these burned toast I ate. I'm a giver and I give everything for free even my life and now what have I gained. NOTHING! This year i am making efforts to not concern myself with anyone's problem.. I have isolated myself. Its the only way i can say NO cause apparently i have a hard time saying NO directly. I feel like I'm trying to save myself as the time rushes to end. Everything you speak on is difficult to accept and very triggering to me but I'm facing them. This is the light. This is the gospel and nothing is sweet about it. But its medicine to the soul
You are welcome sweetie. You're very brave and should give yourself more credit. Having the guts to listen then take corrective action to change your life is courageous!! Means you have personal fortitude and determination to succeed that you probably didn't know you had. You can do this!! #nomoreburntanything
I dont eat burnt toast. I dont eat burnt anything.
This was so true!
U ARE 100 PERCENT CORRECT WITH EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING
The more you do the worst they act all of them. IAM really done no more
1-25-2021. A new me has emerged.
Hey Shugga D' From Now On, I'm Doing Meeeee!!!!
I dont eat burnt anything.
Burnt toast is nasty. I don't eat it, I throw it away.
Im glad women are learning this just like men are. If self sacrifice isn't for you, don't get married or have kids. You'll just resent your whole life. Marriage is an outdated tradition. Remember selfishness is Godliness.
veronicajade20
*CRUNCH*
Put some butter on your toast
OMG love it.
Preach preach
Omg Deb! The story of my life lately. What happened to me!! I must work on changing this today!
Have you done any videos about black women and interracial dating and the attitude of the "black" community?
Nope. That's addressed 90 bazillion times elsewhere.
Deborrah Cooper lol all the time
This is me all the time, putting them before me I go without
This is excellent. Thank you so much for telling THE TRUTH.
Thanks for listening
This burn like a torch
Spot on!!! Spot on!!!! Spot On!!!!!
Thank you...the sacrifices are more than I even thought to itemize!
Hey Debroah from time my two older children was small I had burnt toast sydrome even with men n my life I always do all I can to put a smile on people face because when I love you I don't mind doing the upmost for folks now my two older ones r grown they give the credit they owe me to someone else I taught them so much n their younger years I definitely taught them to Love which I realized that can't b taught I sacrificed so much for them Lord knows just to feel now fatigue unappreciated and used now dealing with a younger child don't have the strength to do for this child what I done for them I really need a vacation I deserve it any donations but yes you r Soo right on about what u said thanks for making this video
Vicky Patterson Maybe use this time to strictly focus on yourself (as well as younger child) because your older ones will come back expecting you to help them whenever they want. Let the person your two older ones give credit to, be the one to support them from this point on; any extra resources you used for your older children, use them now on yourself now. We have to think more about ourselves now. Take care.
Original Hebrew thanks for advice because u r Soo right
you help your family and friends take care of yourself me myself and I time you must
ummm.... You *Can* get married without having kids. many couples *choose* to not have children. This substantially reduces many of the problems career-minded women face. Just choose a partner who values you, and supports your career.
That is only a part of the picture. The reality is that people have extended family, aging parents, children from previous relationships, relatives that die and you are the only living relative to take their kids in, etc.
Shit happens.
This situation is one to think about no matter if you are in a relationship or single (as the burnt toast syndrome can apply in friendships and work situations as well as in interpersonal relationships).
So true😭😭
So wonderful.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Wow this is me OMG 😱 how do I change this. OMG.
Tune in to the Debruary programming which is all about self love. Hit that subscriber button
Never could be me that's why I work so hard with school and getting into business. When I decide to get married I'll be taking off for my kids and my husband I except too as well.
So, that's why men age better than women.
No they really don't. But those who have women like this just might.
Was browsing and what not.... No doubt def not good. For anyone not just women... But if a woman does that then it's because it's what truly makes her happy. Or she doesn't have a good man to step up and do it for her.. Could elaborate but no need.... Good point tho.........
Nobody does this shit because it makes her happy. Stop deluding yourself. They do ut because they've been brainwashed to sacrifice and believe other people are more important than they are. But they end up depressed, suicidal, full of anxiety taking pills. It's horrible.
@@Debsterism this is the first video I watched of yours and I agree and love it....this is what made me wisen up and be done with men.
AMEN
What is the reverse of BURNT TOAST SYNDROME?!
Having self esteem and boundaries.
There needs to be a balance, it's not black or white, grey is the best we can be without sacrificing family or self accomplishments
Using your logic, then no one else should ever have to sacrifice, just women or just the mom? You watched the whole video and didn't get it at all. Women need to STOP thinking they must sacrifice to make everyone else happy. Kids won't die and neither will husbands if women don't do everything or even most things for them all the damn time.
@@Debsterism i am a teacher, sacrifice is practically part of my job description. But my family come first, so I try to balance things out and make it work. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a granddaughter, a practicing Catholic, a choir leader and an eco friendly buyer. So many sacrifices! Yet I chose most of these things for myself because they make me happy. They don't feel like sacrifices if they are chosen for the right reasons. You can be everything you want if you can make it work and you have the support of who loves you. In fact just knowing you could do anything you want is enough to feel free, even if then you choose not to because you would rather wait until your kids are a bit older for example. I think being free to do whatever you want is mistaken here with being free from commitment, relationship and being self centered. You can be free to love and be free to stick around for people that make you happy. If they don't make you happy then there might be other choices to be made. We are mammals and it is in our nature to want to nurture our children, so that is why most mothers put their children first. Why are you advocating for them to fend for themselves if they may have a mother that would do anything to see them grow into the best person they can be? What selfish world would we be in if we all learnt to fend for ourselves, without having learnt unconditional love, compassion, generosity and all the virtues that a mother can show? A responsible parent won't spoil their children, they wil also teach them to do things to contribute to the household. But if I won't set the example of how to run a household, how could I expect them to help me? Wth all my interests and reasonabilities, do you really think that I have time to run a household all by myself? I try my best to delegate and keep my house in order but things don't always work out. My kids and husband are there to pick up the pieces, but that is because I show that I care in the first place. I could write a book on the qualities that I love about my husband, but cooking and cleaning are not something I would say he does best! But if I need him to he would do anything for me. His mum spoilt him in ways I can't describe but must have done something right as he is the most loving person I know and he tries his best to be a good father and husband just as much, by choice. The thing is, we hardly ever boss each other around, we do what needs to be done and we know who does what best. But if there is something I hate doing ultimately he will do it for me even if he hates it as much (cleaning the car, cutting the grass, cleaning the windows, hoovering the stairs, accessing the loft, doing the bins etc). These things need doing, even if you are single. Why on earth would you want to do them on your own anyway? What about the benefits of having a man around? What about the joy of having children? The laughter, the cuddles, the family holidays... autonomy can wait, it will be inevitable, and I will miss these days...