Setting Boundaries With Difficult People - Terri Cole
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 24 ก.ค. 2024
- We all know that speaking up and setting boundaries in our relationships can be challenging. Attempting to assert yourself with difficult personalities can be doubly so.
Difficult people can find something to take issue with no matter how carefully you choose your words. It can seem that no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to give or do enough.
From the perspective of boundaries, these folks fall into the category of “boundary bullies”. I also refer to them as “Repeat Offenders” or in the most extreme case, “Boundary Destroyers”.
These types of personalities are intrusive, demanding, full of unrealistic expectations, and regularly disregard your boundaries. If you have people like this in your life, it can feel like it’s not even worth the hassle to assert yourself. Have you ever felt this way?
If you’re nodding your head yes, then this episode is for YOU. I’m sharing how to shift your focus to you (because the only person’s behavior you can change is your own), so you can become empowered to effectively establish your boundaries, even with impossible people.
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. For two decades, Terri has worked with some of the world’s most well-known personalities from international pop stars to Fortune 500 CEOs. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change i.e. true transformation. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)
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Book: boundarybossbook.com - บันเทิง
“There’s no need to be provocative when you’re a boss. You just talk true.” 👑
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Love this. I grew up in an environment where my feelings weren’t respected. So my fear of setting boundaries is that no one will accept them.
I have to expand myself to believe there are people out there who are capable.
Being ok when someone is not capable and choosing me anyways.
Great advice generally, sadly for many it's tricky to apply when your boss is a bully and you can't afford to lose your job, or you are financially dependent on your difficult spouse. We don't always have control over the circumstances of our lives
Oooh! Most people are like "you shouldn't feel this way". I freaking hate that!
I had 2 and I removed them from my life. They were exhausting to be around. I got tired of them pushi my boundaries and trying to take advantage of me. Controlling, entitled, users. .my fault for years I let them. I don't miss them at all. My therapist worries my boundaries are over the top. I don't think so.
Being married & a mother was the worst experiences I’ve had.He turned kids against me to trap me. careful who u marry
Witnessing you with compassion, SA ❤
Terri I am sensitive person, just like you. I grew up in a loving family, but boundaries were soft, so I am so incredibly grateful for you sharing your knowledge with me. I will be purchasing your book. With your videos alone you are helping me daily. 💪🙏🌞❤️
My mom- May she rest in peace. So resonant.. grateful for the wisdom .. then i would find bosses and work situations that were similar!! Awareness WAS my first step. Making Different choices - love her book for deep dive into ‘boundaries.’ Thank you!
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If only i had listened to your channel last year, i have people pleased all my life, have never set boundaries, as a result i have made dreadful decisions that have left me reeling.Last year i made all the wrong decisions, because i set no boundaries. I am now having to face the consequences.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Jane 💕
Thank you!Terri. You look beautiful in your video :) look forward to purchasing your book. This video was timely for me with a difficult
Family member.
Thank you so much! Can’t wait for the book!
Thanks, Terri. I knew about boundaries before I met a narc person. My boundaries before the narc was so flexible. I didn't know what I was dealing with before, but I saw some red flags (guilty of not taking it seriously) I was mesmerized and I let this person in, when it was time to let this person out and respect my boundaries, I was having difficulty to assert and reinforce it, this person just don't get it, and yes part of it was my fault of not making my boundaries clear in the first place.. after that friendship, I sort of renovated my boundaries, and I became more sensitive, aware, about other people's actions and how they treat others and myself. And I became more trusting, respectful and loving towards myself.
People who have a healthy strong and flexible boundaries respect other people's boundaries as well, and those people who doesn't have boundaries cannot respect other people's boundaries too.
Yes, absolutely! Thank you for sharing this and for being here ❤️ I'm cheering you on as you continue to set healthy and strong boundaries 💕
And yes thank you soooo much 🙏
Terry, spot on! Just laid a boundary with a toxic relative where they exploded and i found out who they are. I loved listening to this and found myself shaking my head “yes, that’s it!” Thank you. Subscribed. Honestly, this person needs therapy and help, but not from me and they need to choose that. So, I’m going over to your site and will listen to more of your advice and look for your book. Thank you! TM
When that person is your mother,there is no escape.....That's a prison...She managed to poison all my life....I'm 50 now....,and for 50 years I tried every possible way to react ,but it's useless ...still the same scandals for nothing,accusations which are totally unfair ..All this is totally unfair and that is killing me.....Something in her brain is just wrong and cannot be mended...
Need these words and this topic everytime
Right now I'm taking care of my mom but eventually I hope to get your book at some point. But this is spot on with my mom/dad environment and after their divorce and living with my mom's parents. Even now w my mom she expects me to cater to her and has no boundaries at all! And she is a brick wall and won't listen to me.
Heard you on Lee Harris podcast last night and immediately bought book. Looking forward to it very much!
Awesome! Thank you!
This is such an important video on Boundries! It makes me think of the book Safe and Unsafe People by dr.Cloud. People who are consistent over time, will over time give the same answer, unless perhaps new information changes their minds. People who are not consistent over time, may change their preferances within an hour or week or a month. My mother has schizofrenia - she often makes quick rash decisions (yes/no) but later her response can be different. Since I am her guardian, I often need her cooperation with things (eg. when buying her clothing) - eg. yesterday, we went shopping for a lot of clothing since she has lost a lot of weight - so during the 4 hours shopping I asked her, do you want to go to a shoe store to get new shoes and she said no (quickly); later when I asked her the same question 90 minutes later, she said yes and ended up buying 2 pairs of shoes and a pair of croques to take when going swimming. Some people make mindfull thought-trough answers and some just blurt out their first reaction....
Bless you n thanks for your work ....it really is magic as its transforms us x 20th april x Book sounds epic yay x sending you love always you sweet mumma x
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it takes a little time to realise that our friends may be manipulating us from the example you mentioned if the friend demanding more time with you.🤗🙏
I'm listening to a second talk about boundaries with difficult people. I may have gotten the answer to my previous question. When I need to interact with my difficult family member, I will stay detached. I don't need to try and make it work. I can be supportive of my sisters who do interact with her. I will also work on my spiritual attitude towards her. She's got her problems but can be "ministered " to by other people.
This is so important for me😢
Powerful information for highly sensitive folk ❤️
Glad you think so!
Woman to Woman or rather more Lady to Lady, I take this opportunity to congratulate you on your accomplishment for "Boundary Boss" and your valuable content and powerful insights which I have found very helpful in my efforts to setting boundaries.💖🤗🙏
Yes! Thank you!
Thanks 👍
Thank you so much I really feel anxious after saying no after trying to have a boundry towards my dominant and very difficult with short fuse etc partner I get anxious of his reaction anger even agression attack and punishment after me saying no or something he doesnt agree with I have small
Children and his reacting ( shouting Door smashing etc all to
Stay in control) is scary Also I feel guilty and feel for him how i make him really feel I struggle with these things I have ordered your book Thank you
thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks Terri ❤️
Thank you for being here, Gosia!
@@terri_cole ❤️
Wow...my mother...no contact over a year now....just reached out to my Auntie....a very close relationship my mother sabotaged....going to rebuild what's important and side step the covert narcissist mother.....she will hate it....
The problem is culture supports what supports rape. In sales, people are encouraged to change a no to a yes. Many, if not most men who want to "get some" believe that a no can be changed into a "yes." Harvey Weinstein was a perfect example of this disrespectful attitude. Men like this -- people like this do not care for your no. They want an artificial yes. They want to wear down a person to get their conquests.
Every time someone treated me this way when I was young, it made me double down all the more. I have ALWAYS found anathema in this kind of deep disrespect and disregard. Apparently, that's where the ad hominem slurs come in. If they can't get you one way, they'll go out of their way to punish you for not being a perfectly docile object for them to use and abuse, so no matter what, as an object to these particular types of people, you will get abused. This is why you need to smile AT them, AND RUN!
@Alan Bickford What made you think any kind of treatment like this ever led to any kind of relationship? Do you know what I was saying?
Men should be treated like women to just GET it.
How I feel about myself is not the issue i was addressing, and the change of subject BY YOU seems presumptive and prying. This is a public forum, you are a stranger who presumes broadly. How I feel is intruded upon by someone who seems to presume A LOT about a complete stranger, wants to control and change the subject, and that to me ALSO feels like a boundary violation.
I can relate to immediately pushing back against users. It's a great instinct to have and needs to be taught as a life skill! I'm glad to see you pushing back against this person in the comments.
@@FionavanDahl He won't admit he's A PERP.
Terry, thanks you just described my mom twice - I'm growing up in a lot of ways learning about npd & how I can thrive. How could I join your 5 day unchallenge? I googled it but am not finding it yet...
Boundaries I find are really difficult.
They can be, but I like to say- you wouldn't expect yourself to become fluent in a foreign language overnight, right? Learning the language of boundaries is the same. ❤️
It might be too much for our system!!! Yes. With my f-ather I still struggle. Trying won't help. Yes.
I'm holding space for you with so much compassion, Maria ❤️
I'm subscribed
My boundaries were trampled on by my mither by x father of my kids and thrn my kids only friend I had turned out to be a controlling bully she used to éxpect me to stay hours all day into the night with her I felt controlled she didn't like been left on her own when her husband was at work and all this came down on me I'm no longer her friend as she turned out two faced and treated me so bad
Yeah I stopped saying I feel now I say I think. If I get gas lited or stoned walled conversation is over.
Will your book be available as an ebook?
Yes!
I wanna ask something i am 42 years age right now as long as i life i really don't know the important thing boundry for this life it's too late for me if learn deep boundry from right know, thanks so much
It's never too late to learn about boundaries and start setting them ❤️ I have tons of videos about boundaries on this channel for free, and my book, Boundary Boss, covers it completely.
Hi, sometimes I feel like I am a "boundary breaker" or "difficult person" as you put it. I feel like a "taker." I don't want to be this way, and I want to have more fulfilling relationships where I feel like there is a balanced give and take. But I'm trying to figure out why I am like this. Do you have any ideas about why people are like this and how they could work to change it if they are willing?
My hypotheses: I kind of feel like I lived in one of those families who everyone was acting around a difficult person, and I feel like I had to tip-toe and couldn't assert myself (like you desribe). So naturally in adulthood I didn't know how to assert myself. But when I was forced into an environment when I had to, then I just had to be very loud. It felt like I had to automatically be forceful and scream (sort of "push and shove") in order to be an "adult." But now it's really hard for me to have a sense of others' feelings because of that. I feel like I'm missing some crucial piece of relationships that I used to understand (because I knew then how I wanted to be treated, and would treat people that way. Now I can't remember like... how I want to be treated. It's like I've become numb to other people and myself) and it's killing me. I don't want to be "one of those people." I want to make people feel good too and have fulfilling, reciprocal relationships-- but when I try to do that, I sort of swing to the other extreme side of the spectrum, and it just feels like blind people pleasing and subservience. I still can't "feel" people, on either side. Maybe it's a problem of regaining empathy and feeling? Any tips?
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The father of my child is a little ro boundary destroyer n has expert manipulation skills n drain me out i need to learn to not feed into his emotions drama Need for his unassailable amount of attention n lack out communication
I just did a video about how to navigate co-parenting that might be helpful for you: th-cam.com/video/P0P7Zxppu9U/w-d-xo.html