I also cringe at the term “high-functioning” because trust me I’m BARELY functioning 😅 I prefer the term “high-masking” because that’s literally what I’m doing. To say I’m “high-functioning” would be in direct conflict with my support needs and also dismisses the reality that autism is a spectrum and not a linear experience. In my mind, neurotypicals are the “high-functioning” ones 😂
Also, not everyone will know "high/low functioning" was created by nazí's to decide which Autistic people would go to which camps. We all really need to stop using those terms as they where literally created to genocide us.
I also appreciate high masking vs. Low masking because it allows a fluid motion on a case by case (minute by minute) scenario; it also emphasizes that every person on the spectrum who goes "unnoticed" are actively (or conditioned) make a choice of other people's comfort over their own; this I appreciate at least being talked about more / normalizing conversations about 💖💖💝
That is DEFINITELY a better term. Because barely getting by on the inside while seeming put together or unreadable on the outside & unable to express onesself in terms others would understand without being incoherent & melting down is it's own kind of special burden.
as far as sensory deprivation... I was always a night owl since a kid. I had the entire planet to myself to do whatever I wanted and not have to deal with noisy people. I would mostly stay up and read books and listen to music when I was younger. When older, I would ride my bike around the city. Sometimes getting up and biking for 40 miles, with headphones in. These were the greatest times of my life. Riding a bike is like flying. And with headphones, I had my own theme music. edit: subbed!
@@plantstho6599It's a good thing autistic people often have a diminished sense of danger, then. Yes, I know it's dumb but I do this. Small risk of dying outweighs not just going out there and living life.
The night as an opportunity for sensory calm? Of course! Now I almost feel stupid for never making that connection as to why I prefer the night. Wouldn't be surprised if there was even a genetic adaptation that makes autists night owls; to avoid parts of the busy day.
@@plantstho6599you may want to check out some cheekbone headphones. They sit in front of your ears, not in them, so you can still hear your surroundings. They vibrate and can feel a bit funny so aren't for everyone but might be something to try if you're interested!
I love expressing myself with emoji in text conversations, but at the same time I judge myself because I know I'm not actually smiling/frowning/crying/whatever. It feels dishonest , or like a type of masking (but it doesn't take as much energy)
The thing is most social interaction is posturing/lying unless it is a close friend or other safe person. That's the unfortunate condition of existing.
@@venus_liv I used to feel that way but then I realised everyone uses them differently, so I can too! 😄 but it's totally ok if you don't want to use them at all, of course
my kind of mindeset when I use 😆 instead of 😂. It's more hip to use exaggerated or ironic emojis and phrases, so when I use a more sincere emoji it feels kind of lame. I definitely didn't grow out of peer pressure and fear of looking "stupid". Everything is so much easier over the internet 😖
My past teenage self is crying right now. I never thought anyone else felt like me and used lyrics and photos like me to express themselves. I never knew there were other people like me who feel SO deeply and profoundly but find it difficult, sometimes impossible, to fully and properly express those thoughts and feelings to others. I relate to ALL of this. I’m dx ADHD but suspect AuDHD.
Me and my wife found out that she is autistic (through tests and actual diagnosis) a few months ago, and I'm trying to learn more and more about it. So much from what you said REALLY relates to her, it's impressive, even in small details. Autistic people feel so alone...she is going through depression as well. I'm doing the best I can to better understand her world...
Please know that you are being a huge support to her, even if she is unable to express it in a way you can "hear" ❤ Thank you for loving her through this experience!
I relate to lots of these. But most strongly to being more expressive by text. I also spend lavish amounts of time on my texts and emails and recognise that feeling of almost being amazed that I'm so clear and emotive. I often reread my sent texts and emails multiple times, not to check or in an anxious way. It gives me a comforting feeling that I'm helping myself remember who I am and I feel pleased with myself.
I do the same with my online posts. I'll spend 15 minutes working out how I want to word something, and then days later I'll get a notification of a like or comment or whatever, and when I check it I reread my post a couple of time and kinda just sit there feeling a little bit proud like "damn. I wrote that."
So relatable, I've never felt that any1 else understood this. I have alot of pressure to be online for bizness purposes but it's so stressful for me and the "supportive" people in my life dont get it becuz im a preatty good communicator 1 on 1 Thank U both for sharing 🥹
your videos have been such a comfort to me lately. i’m really struggling and told my mom i’m pretty sure i’m autistic after a years worth of research and she’s not taking it great. i feel alone in this but your videos help me so much. thank you :)
If you ever can try to get a diagnosis go prove it to her and for yourself, if possible. If not I wish you the best and a wonderful life ahead. May you have a great memories and moments ahead.
I never really felt comfortable talking about being autistic to my family. I used to get bullied by my siblings as a child for being weird and my parents never interveined. I only really told my mother that I am autistic as my family already kinda knew. I never told them about being depressed as a child and how much I struggle. I feel more comfortable talking to strangers and friends about it than to my own family. I never even told them that I‘m trying to get an assessment and want therapy. I hope your situation improves. It takes time for everyone to adjust but I recommend you unmask as much as you feel comfortable. If she sees your struggles she might believe you more and actually want to help. In my personal experience it‘s not that people don‘t want to help but most can‘t imagine what it feels like to be autistic especially if you mask a lot of symptoms. Most people I told about some issues I have were very kind and respectful. If you need someone to talk to just reply, I spend way to much time on yt😂.
I'm so sad about your mom not helping you. If she just knew that, if you are autistic, maybe SHE is autistic too, or maybe your father. Big hug from Barcelona. 🤗❤️
@@guntera3845 I relate to your experience so much. I had two older brothers growing up, and one of them bullied me relentlessly. Sometimes when I would go to my mom to tell her what he said to me, she would agree with him. You can imagine how that made me feel. I don’t know, if I ever get diagnosed, if I could ever share it with my family.
@@sonoftorin I‘m sorry to hear that. Hope your relationship improved since then. I don‘t know if I‘ll ever openly talk about my struggles with my family but I‘m trying to be more myself around them. I can‘t move out anytime soon as I‘ll have to get my degree first so something has to change. I mask stimming more around my family than anyone else. My mother would also punish me because I started being violent toward my siblings to defend myself. I can remember ramming my elbow into my older brothers back repeatedly. Funny thing is I‘m not a violent or aggressive person at all. I‘ve been slapped by an angry friend and didn‘t feel like fighting back even though encouraged by everyone. Never had the urge to fight anyone besides my own family. I don‘t really know how much I should blame them for the abuse I went through as they didn‘t really understand why I was weird. They never had ill intentions but made my childhood misrable. Just know that you were not at fault. Some people don‘t consider for a second how much words can hurt someone close to you. I don‘t think your mother wanted to hurt you (atleast I hope so) she probably never considered that her actions have long lasting consequences. Glad that my comment was useful for others. Good luck with your family.
The sensory deprivation thing is super relatable! My favorite thing to do when I was younger was to go into my closet, turn off the light, and just stand there with my palms pressed against my eyes. I liked how I was able to think in there without people talking to or looking at me.
It's so weird. I can read your mood even with just audio. But I've also spent my whole life overanalyzing other people so I could learn how to act and react properly as an autistic person so it makes sense. It's still just so weird to hear someone feel so hurt and upset about not being understood when she can clearly express these emotions. Neurotypical people just aren't looking close enough.
I agree! After I watched that part of the video I thought, "hmm, that's interesting, I feel like her emotions are very clear.' Neurotypical expressions always seemed exaggerated to me even when they are natural and not dramatized. I've often struggled with appearing surprised, appreciative, or excited 'enough' because my responses seem very muted by comparison. I always feel like I have to overemphasize so people don't think I am faking or disappointed.
@@elizabethivy1337 I usually have the opposite problem. I have a really hard time regulating my emotions so if I'm happy or excited or angry the emotion gets very big and can be too much for people. I do have times when I have a mute affect but that's just my baseline. Resting boring face is what I call it. I look so bored even when I'm very content or happy.
@jeaniegirllover5335 When I got to that part of the video I felt the same way. For a long time, all I did was study people and their expressions. By the time I was older and with a diagnosis, when someone told me their thoughts or feelings I couldn't react or respond despite the fact that I knew and had studied facial expressions. By now I feel like if I tried to express any feeling through my face or body language it would feel dishonest and disrespectful to the person having a bad emotional day. All I can do is listen and be there for that person I care about.
Super helpful ♥️ I was talking with my mom this morning about how I learned it was “rude” to wear my sunglasses indoors or while talking to people but wow I’ve given myself permission to wear my sunnies indoors and while talking to others (helps with the sensory overload of the bright light , the sun, and not having to look at people in the eyes ) -protection on so many levels
I also tried sensory deprivation as a kid, though I didn't know that's what it was! I would hide under beds, in closets behind stuff, in empty cabinets, piles of blankets or pillows, my big toy box (a little tikes bookcase and storage chest for reference). I also liked playing outside a lot so I would climb up high in trees and just sit there, or hide in different parts of playgrounds, like sitting in the middle of a tube slide. I kinda miss doing that actually now that I remember it, being an adult is wack
I was still climbing trees and hiding in them at age 15. It’s so quiet and shady and beautiful in a tree. My son was the same way but my daughter would hide in closets during play dates and at Sunday school. Adults in charge would not tolerate my son being in trees or my daughter being in a closet when THEY NEEDED to be there…so they were punished and forced to be out with the other children. I didn’t know we were all autistic but I understood their need to hide from groups of people so I just pulled them out of camps, Sunday school, sports programs and felt like my kids were missing out! They did not miss out…they played outside abd made up games and stories and had became kind and interesting and responsible adults who honor their need for alone time.
Oh Irene, if you knew how much the part about sensory deprevation resonated with me. I don't usually comment, due to me struggling to properly put my thoughts into coherent words, but I just had to share. I remember hiding away as a child in our cellar and bathrooms with no windows and just sitting there in the darkness, just like you. I realized I still do this at age 21 when at work. I work in hospitality, so that can get very overwhelming quite often. But there's a toilet far away from the people and it's so dark and silent in there if you stay in there long enough you can't even tell where is up and where is down!! It's so peaceful, for a few minutes before i have to return to work :( Anyways, I really love your videos. Whenever i watch you I feel so comforted, it's like your content is one huge cozy weighted blanket on top of me haha
I am super expressive through text and I literally cannot stand flat texters because I never know how they feel!! If someone isn’t expressive through text, I always think they’re mad at me. In person I am also expressive, but it’s a mask. It’s me pretending to be outgoing, it usually doesn’t actually reflect how I feel on the inside. ALSO I used to hide under my mom’s bed a lot as a kid. There was a big fish tank in there & I liked being in the room with no lights on, it would be cool but the carpet was comfortable, & listening to the water filter running. I also had to sleep in the pitch dark with no sound whatsoever. I don’t send movies or movie clips to express my feelings, but I am 100% immersed in the feelings of every character when I watch a movie or show. I have to take breaks from watching shows because it takes such an emotional toll on me due to my highly empathetic nature. Other people have never understood that
I do the sensory deprivation to myself throughout my childhood too. Now that I'm a mom with lots of kids, sensory deprivation is a form of self care. 😊
Oh my gosh you just unlocked a memory! When I was really little I would empty out my toy box, get in, and close it. If just sit there for a long time. Then my Granma started sitting on the lid, so I stopped.
I've been wondering more and more lately if I might be on the spectrum, or if I'm overcoming extensive childhood trauma and neglect. I once had somebody tell me, "You look and sound so flat." After which point I made a conscious effort to "emote" more, inject more variation into my tone, utilize more facial expression. And I'm much more expressive than I used to be. But there are also moments I find myself "forgetting" to outwardly emote, to laugh or to smile. But when I do consciously synch my outward expression with my inner emotions, I do notice an... "amplification" of that feeling? I know it's said that smiling can actually make you feel happy.
the seeking similar deprivation hit so hard. i use to talk about it so much in therapy. i’ve now realized how much better my day is when i take 5-20 minutes of just no stimilation
6:50 I use metaphors a lot. I agree that art and movies are SUCH an important part of my experience expressing myself. I had no idea I was trying to do this though. I also relate a lot of things to my life and feel super passionate about it
My metaphorical/abstract way of expressing my thoughts & emotions has made it very difficult to interact w/ others at times... But it's true to me. And whenever it DOES click for someone, it is so immeasurably rewarding & the conversation is usually super enriching. It's been somewhat difficult because my partner is [likely, not confirmed] on the spectrum & he's a concrete thinker, but we're getting used to things. IDK if I'm Autistic, but I'm DEFINITELY ADHD & have some social issues.
THIS. I HATED sharing my feelings in high school because it felt like words just couldn't capture it. I would use metaphors constantly. It'd be like "so imagine I'm a cake right but the oven was just too hot the whole time and then when you go to put on icing it seems like a normal cake but it's actually burnt when you bite into it" or something. Even I got lost in the sauce of the metaphor sometimes. But it's all I had to make sense of things.
Omg when you said you wanted to get away from being perceived, that hit home. When I was a kid, I would sit up on the top shelf in my closet because it felt like a secret space and when I was out shopping with my mom, I always wanted to hide in the middle of those round clothing racks because no one could see me and the clothing dampened the sound. And a lot more that I'm just now realizing was sensory deprivation
I feel like I have an opposite problem than you. I OVER express my emotions. Everyone can tell what I am feeling cause I show it all through noises and movement...but then people get weirded out, even when I am just really enjoying something.
Yeah, it can be the same here. I'm also never shy about making myself clear verbally because I'm sorely sensitive about being misunderstood or misinterpreted. Whether it's verbal or written, when I'm encountering the slightest bit of unease that I know will peek through my body language or tone of voice, I NEED to say something. I'm not about to sit in discomfort... Which can bother some people a lot. Because they think I can't enjoy myself or want to be around them if I'm upset. No, I just needed to be on the same page & then I can recover, but I don't want to exert the willpower to hold in everything until there's a "better moment". I'm trying to adapt & learn timing... It's easier since I've learned distress tolerance strategies in therapy. But it just feels weird to not try to connect to people I care about by expressing myself.
sensory deprivation: as a child i would often hide in a dark room or a closet. I also did the thing of sinking to the bottom of the pool (but during the day), and feeling totally relaxed watching people swim overhead and hearing only the muffled sounds of people outside of the water. As an adult I was once caught hiding in a closet, trying to escape the sounds and lights around me, that was very difficult to explain. At the workplace I'd often go to the bathroom and lock myself in there for a while to 'reset' my mind and any overload I was experiencing.
I deeply resonate with you and your experience of being immersed in movie scenes especially with little to no dialogue or dialogue that 'fits'. I feel them too. It's as though I am experiencing the scene as my reality, not consumption of visual data it makes it into my brain as lived experience.
Me too. There is a scene in The Magicians where one of the characters, a deaf woman, is having a conversation with another person, and there is no sound for like five minutes. I was more immersed in that scene than the rest of the episode.
This thing with content/media that I like being rejected! And it feels like I as a person have just been rejected... that's the reason why I basically never share the music I listen to, my favourite movies, or similar things.
I have felt this same rejection many times, partially because my favorite music, movies, and books are my special interests, and partially because I rely on them to identify and express what I'm feeling. I think a lot of neurotypicals don't think about what these kinds of media mean to them because they don't need to use them to express feelings like most of us do. I went to counseling when I was a kid because I had trouble expressing my feelings. The counseling didn't help very much, but when my dad changed the music he was listening to because it wasn't helping his anxiety, I found that I could express my feelings so much easier just by relating my life experiences to the music. Took me a while to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put them into words, but 35 minutes is about record time for me 😄
I used to hide under the tree as well. I just always felt so safe under there and if the lights were on, even better. They were soft yellow lights and I pretended they were stars. I would also hide under my bed or in the clothes racks at stores.
I was a climber. I would get on the top shelf of the linen closet and shut the door to just hear the muffled sounds of my family from far away. I was so good at hide and seek that often I would not be found at all and would just fall asleep in my cubby. I also climbed trees at school recess (it was Alaska and we had a forest playground) I would do it silently when no one noticed and then spend the time with the tree texture and the ladybugs and the sounds while also observing the kids below in silence. Lastly (again, alaska) in the winter I would bundle up in all the snow gear and then go out and fall back into a snow bank and just stare at the stars while my body was formed to the snow. Winter is so silent - no bugs, no birds - just your heartbeat in your scarf and hat wrapped head and outer space. I didn’t actually know any of these things were “weird” until hearing my family discuss them once I grew up. Their versions were inaccurate as to why I was doing what I did but it really gave me some hindsight on things I had never clocked.
Omg I used to do very similar things when I was a kid and hearing you talk about that finally made me realize it was a neurodivergent trait. I used to hide under the sandwich board at my moms store, hide in lockers, boxes and hide inside round clothing racks at department stores. I also used to put my head underwater in the bath. Now I really want to try a sensory deprivation tank.
Hi, I've actually just kind of realised/ came to terms with the fact I am autistic with ADHD and watching your videos have made me feel a lot less inadequate and has shown me that there are a lot of correlations between things I have been hard on myself for being directly caused by my place on the spectrum
My boyfriend is autistic and he does the same exact thing with movies,tv shows etc to explain things he can’t. We had a hard time in the beginning, he was misdiagnosed till in his 40s so we are learning together how to communicate ☺️
I'm not diagnosed but omg I've been binge watching your channel. I can relate so much. And I'm tired of therapists, it's exhausting just to think about how many sessions would it take to be diagnosed. These videos really help ❤
Well the good news is that most people have personality quirks like the girl in the video calls "Autism". In reality 80% of human beings are "neurodiverse". Most people who are autistic would never be able to make videos on TH-cam. Most truly autistic people are not able to go 5 minutes in conversation without emoting at least 5 symptoms of Autism. You likely have anxiety as most people with Autism are unable to go without being diagnosed. Hope this makes you feel better!
@@QuinnieMae It being called "neurodiverse" wouldn't even make sense if 80% were neurodiverse. Also may i ask how you determine how many traits people in the comment section emote in conversations when they're just out here writing comments? How do you know how often this youtuber has to record a sentence until it's being conveyed right? By your logic (being autistic = emoting 5 traits in 5 minutes) she would even be totally fine just making a cut every minute. Also are you basically saying "truly" autistic people can't mask? (I know neurotypical people do also mask to some degree, but) how would that make sense when active and excessive masking is officially recognized as an autism trait?
What you said definitely resonates with me. My thoughts are portrayed in pictures and moving images so I can never fully convey what I'm thinking and feeling in words . It's so frustrating but I'm able to write down what I'm thinking in poetry using metaphors and what not. It really helps.
this is such a validating video. and the expression through text vs verbally part especially! every single message i send to people always has an emoji in it 🤣
I totally sought out sensory deprivation growing up and still do to this day. One of the places that I feel most at home and peaceful is in the shower of a bathroom with no windows and with the lights off. I routinely spent hours drifting in and out of sleep or listening to peaceful video essays and story narrations. I also sleep with a lot of white noise because it helps me filter out the sounds that aren't in my control in the environment
I've been thinking a lot about my flat affect and inability to properly express myself for the past 2 or 3 days, so this is weird, but nice timing. I also relate to actually being expressive over text. There are even times where I send something that I genuinely mean, but I simultaneously think to myself "There's no way I could talk like this in real life...". And while I've never hid under a Christmas tree or locker, I do remember putting myself under a comforter and just curling up. Hell I still do that sometimes but I'm a bit too tall for it to be as comfortable as I'd like... I did get two cats and watching them find dark, hard to find areas to rest in always looks so relaxing and makes me envious, especially when I'm stressed. Now I think I understand why lol
I used to go under the Christmas table while everyone finished their dinner and feel comforted by the heavy tablecloth and the relative quiet. I also used to hide in my mom’s closet behind her fur coat and sit for a looong time.
Yeah.. I use emojis instead of punctuation when texting... I know it's excessive and it's weird how none of it matches my actual expression. But it matches what's on the inside. And damn, that sensory deprivation thing. I had just been wondering if it could be am autistong thing that I feel such comfort and peace when I can watch other people secretly without anyone else seeing me. I used to this with my family. In the morning I'd sneak to the kitchen door without a sound so I could have a moment there, observing, before anyone knew I'm awake.
About the Christmas tree thing... I used to always wanna sit in cubbies I think for the same reasons. One thing I did alot was we had a large dog cage... and I always wanted to crawl into the dog cage with the dog and just lay there, unbothered. I think it was a way for me to escape my own existence sometimes. And just find that peace in a different context. Like escaping all my kid worries and pretending to be somewhere else, soemthing else. Idk if that makes sense but it made me think of that.
Thank you for this awesome video😊 I relate to not being able to understand people's emotions because they are expressing different emotions than they are feeling. So, I don't know how to appropriately support their real needs because they don't know what they want or need. If I support their true needs, they are angry because I see their vulnerability, and if I support their pretend needs appropriate to their fake actions, then they are upset because I didn't support their true needs. I also have become very inexpressive because if I show people how I feel at any given time, they will be upset with my expressing myself. If I am happy it is 'inappropriate' if I am sad it is 'inappropriate' if I am angry it is 'inappropriate' it doesn't feal fair to me that I should have to mask how I feel to accommodate other people, while other people can just express any emotion they want, mostly fake and often inappropriate. Lately, I have been telling people how I feel and when they tell me my feelings are inappropriate, I tell them that they can not tell me how I should feel, I have the right to feel however I feel. I tell them if they are offended by my actual actions, they should let me know, and I will consider their offendednes and possibly change my behavior, but I have the right to feal however I am feeling and they do not have the right to tell me how to feel. My feelings are my own, not theirs.❤
AuDHD dude here. I RELATE A LOT THIS VIDEO. Movies are a big deal to me. I may not relate to specific scenes, but the ones that I enjoy the most, it bothers me when people stop paying attention because there might be visual shifts and queues to notice. And I also use memes to communicate emotion ✋
I am struggling so much since I have masked my whole life and now at 31, I’m chronically ill and I feel like I’m drowning a bit. Feeling stuck in myself is rough, but I need to create a safe space for myself which I don’t have yet. I love small spaces, I used to always hide in cupboards or the bathroom. The world is so loud and bright.
I like this explanation, my girlfriend has a lot of attributes that you mentioned especially when you talked about memes she expresses well on text, very little expression by writing. We're newly dating, I hope we work out but I need to understand her better and be patient with her always🎉.
Recently subscribed to the channel... your videos have been so validating!! The trait that resonated the most with me was the one about being in solitude. As a child, I would look at our X-Mas lights after the rest of my family was sleeping, imagining myself floating in space. I would also find a quiet spot during recess at school and just look up at the sky. These moments and others were so calming for me because the world, especially school, is so overwhelming and draining.
Your videos are so enlightening. Especially when talked about getting your feelings hurt when you show someone a video that you resonate with and they don’t fully appreciate it. I never knew what that was but now I understand it more!
Today I reached another burn out, almost quit my job for the hundreth time. I cried so hard knowing there's someone out there having the exact same thoughts as me. You're making people profoundly stronger. Thank you!
Jacob yes, yes and yes. I think about quitting my job A LOT. And its a job with some flexibility but the lack of rules and supervision is very stressful. I dont want to be micromanaged but the lack of leadership and working alone is killing me. A colleague that worked on my team used to help me with understanding emails...i have trouble interpreting what NTs want and i get it all wrong many times. I realize i burnt out when she entered maternity leave. Im on sick leave because i stopped sleeping (yeah 1 to 2hrs a night isnt really sleeping) and had a big flare up of auto immune disease. So youre definitively not alone. Ive been very anxious but im gonna do what i have to do and get the autism assessment procedures. Take care.
Thank you so much for this video. There is a lot of traits that i feel is fitting for me. I have always liked texting over phone calls because I think it’s easier for me to express myself there without any outside judgement. I think it’s hard to talk on the phone because I don’t see the other persons facial expression so I don’t know how they actually are feeling. I have a strong intuition and can feel when somebody don’t feel good and try to hide it with their facial expression. When I was little the best place in the world were in my room and in my bed with all my teddybears where I felt safe and didn’t have any expectations on me ❤
I relate to a lot of this, I definitely have always enjoyed sensory deprivation. As a kid I would love to hide in boxes, or cupboards, or any small space I could get myself into and just chill. More recently I love taking baths or showers in complete darkness, cut out sight completely and just focus on other senses
Thank you so much for your video!! I find extremely relatable expressing myself through music. Usually, one of the first questions i ask a new person is what type of music do they listen to or to show me their playlist, because i feel SO MUCH while listening to music and i need to know what other person is listening to understand them better. Sometimes i would find a song that becomes really important to me and i would share it with my friend, talking about how i like it and how i want them to listen, but even if they listen to it eventually, they don't seem to feel all the things i do and i become extremly upset over that. Thanks to you, now i understand that it's not just my quirk, thank you so much!!! You've been really helpful on my journey of getting to know myself and my autistic traits better!
OH MY GOD My heart stopped when you said you used to sit at the bottom of the pool. I have no memory of this, but my mom always tells the story of when I got swimming lessons. When I was 3 years old, I used to sit at the bottom of the pool all the time. My mom would panic and bring me to the surface and when she left me alone I would just go back down. You had to be 4 to get into swimming class at the boys & girls Club, so she lied about my age and I went to swimming lessons. I graduated, I knew how to swim, and I went straight back to the bottom of the pool and my mom was furious. Looking back, sensory deprivation makes a lot of sense. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and autism last year.
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I've never heard it expressed like this before. I was convinced I couldn't explain or express myself in a way that others would understand, and am still like this really. Because of this, I tried and tried in different ways, but because it didn't work, I became convinced that it's impossible for me to be seen as I am to other people. I started learning facial expressions because I clocked on that people were expecting them off of me and would be different without them, but even then, it can come across exagerated or false. I've been in this place of despair and isolation, where I've been convinced that there's no point in even trying to express or be understood as people just can't because there's something broken with me. When I do feel seen or understood by a song or a movie, it means so so much, so like you I show my partner and when it's not really understood what I'm trying to share, it hurts so much. Sometimes it works, or I find another language (song, picture, movie, words) to try and offer it a different way. Through this I've learned how important it is to convey to someone that you see or understand them, as it really does mean everything to me to be willingly seen and understood by another. Of course, this can be manipulated and has been, as when people show interest I may misinterpret this for a willingness to understand when it's something else. I get confused and overloaded easily when trying to explain something that just isn't perceived the same way as I see it in my head, it's as if there is a button missing where I should be able to project my ideas, thoughts, and emotions into someone else. Like the way we communicate is lacking somehow. Videos like this help me so much. Not only to validate my own experiences but also to see that we're not alone in the challeneges we face here. Thank you so much for what you do, great channel and it's great to watch you grow too. Thank you!
I used to sleep in a wardrobe which was dark and quiet, this concerned my staff and I never knew why I did this until I understood overload. When it gets too hard, it's still helpful for me to just sit and hold myself in a dark cupboard.
I used to stay up all night to feel that sense of peace at nighttime. Again I didn't understand at the time, hearing you talk about sensory isolation resonates with me so much.
I relate to so much of this! Trying to convey how I feel to someone through movies and getting my feelings hurt if they didn't understand it, I do this all the time and never realized it was a thing. I like to swim at night too or just by myself in general. As a child I would hide in my closet or behind the couch a lot, make blanket forts, climb trees and just stay up there for hours sometimes.
Sensory deprivation had always been my go-to, I think for decrompressing or calming myself. However my family would often find it too weird and id get hazed into acting 'normal'. Its a relief now though, feeling I have a right to these sort of things. Its ok to sit under my blanket and count the stitches when im feeling overwhelmed. Its alright to need that.
Wow “hazed” is the perfect word! We are being hazed. Yes!!! Thank you for articulating this concept so well! The enforced greetings, the enforced wearing of particular clothes and the enforced eating of certain foods as well as the sleep deprivation all resonate with me as part of hazing.
There was a large closet off my bedroom, and I set up a table and chair in there. I wasn't allowed to go to bed late, but I would go in there and just sit. It always felt good to just be by myself for a while.
I literally just came to this conclusion this week (before seeing your video…which I’m really proud of because I typically need videos like this to figure stuff out). Thank you so much for what you do. This particular issue with my autism is the major trauma of my life. I feel trapped behind glass screaming and all anyone can hear is murmuring and never understand me. I am at a loss with how to navigate an adult life with health problems and trying to get help when I cannot express myself. It makes me want to get in to film, but I wonder if even I dive in to a field like that, if I would still be too clueless to make any art out of it. I don’t mean stupid when I say clueless because I am smart, but when it comes to certain thoughts/feelings, and I try to really dive inside and find them, they are elusive to me. They are there, but I’m not sure what they are…I’m interested in trying more artistic fields of work for this reason and see if I can finally manage to express myself, I’d just be very sad if it was a dead end and I put a bunch of work in to it. Funny that you mention film with little dialogue….I was literally thinking yesterday about how one of my favorite movies is the strangest film with very little dialogue. It’s a foreign film called Kitchen Stories and it’s about a man who goes in to a single man’s home to literally sit in his kitchen on a ladder and observe and record the movement and behavior patterns on the bachelor male that lives alone. It’s for a government social experiment. Anyway, they end up developing a very sweet friendship, off almost no real verbal connection and I was absolutely fascinated by it and my heart just did summer-salts over it…..at the time I didn’t know I had autism, now that I do and you mention this very specific niche in film, I do have many beloved films in my aresenal like this. I highly recommend you watch the film and I would love to know what you think of it. Another sweet one is “Life is Beautiful” which is a foreign film and there is more dialogue, but the main characters face is extremely expressive which was fascinating and fun to watch. I particularly loved how he uses his eccentricities in a unique way that earns him friendships where otherwise he would be an outcast (another thing autistics have to do) and then finally the sweet way he makes something as frightening as a concentration camp into an exciting game to distract his son from the horrors of their reality (which I find I often must do for myself in life to distract from how hard it is to navigate a neurotypical world and never be “right”). That one is probably my ultimate number one favorite and then kitchen stories, only because the message it conveys of love and family and positivity is more important than what the other film teaches. Please, if you have films to recommend that you have loved as you describe with the lack of dialogue, I would absolutely love to explore them. I realized years ago when my mom died, that film was how I explored emotion and dealt with emotion as I was away at college and poor and the way I coped was to rent every possible vhs film they had no matter how obscure the film was, I would watch it and I always took something important away from every film. Funny enough, I barely remember doing any homework and it’s was one of the few semesters I ever got a 4.0. Schoolwork has always been a safety for me when autism gets hard, I turn away from people and dive in to learning and it is one of the few things in life that has brought me comfort and joy, but it’s sad because I do want/need people in my life, it’s just that I tend to fail at that so my relationships are a little more distant than I would like. I’m currently trying to find ways to work around alexithymia whether that be a special type of therapy or working with a professional like speech or occupational therapy or reading a book about it. Do you have any resources to recommend or approaches that have worked best for you? The only thing that has helped me so far is body scanning, brainspotting, journaling/writing, loooooong discussions with anyone willing to explore things with me or mindfulness exercises to allow myself time to try to get at the root of something. I spend thousands of hours digesting content like TH-cam and audiobooks to try and find rid bits of things i resonate with that I can take to therapy so I can finally get somewhere but it is exhausting and I can’t be a functional adult and have time to digest all that only to take a few baby steps. I would really like to find a professional who is aware of it and knows how to move through it most successfully.
You're most likely not autistic. In reality most people have the quirks you write about. The girl in the video is pretty typical, too. Many young people seem to think they have autism due to the social media they consume but at best it's ADHD and _maybe_ GAD. Those diagnoses are pretty normal for most people! Nothing scary or special about those 🥰. Actually, in reality most autistic people are unable to go more than 10 minutes in conversation/discussion without specific markers of autism being absolutely undeniable. The number of people that are "high functioning" are ALSO extremely monitor and very, very flat affect. The young woman in this video is not at all monotone or without affect. In fact, she's quite poised while emoting considerable emotion! Most autistic children that are high functioning are unable to focus the way she did in her conversation or the way _you_ did in your considerably long writing. Not many Autistic folks can do that without straying off topic and/or writing/speaking with technical precision, like an engineer. Describing emotion is rare for a high functioning autistic. And of course in low functioning autism, there would be no typing with the skill you've shown. Very frequently, being able to interact in any way (but especially with the expertise you did!) is simply not possible. Perhaps you have a touch of Asperger's? It would be worth you having a work up to see but most people like you have no need for diagnosis as you're not negatively impacted by your quirkiness! 🤓
@@QuinnieMae why are you in every comment section copy and pasting this?? super weird. i can’t tell if you’re trying to upset people or genuinely that uneducated about autism. asperger’s hasn’t even been a diagnosis for a decade
@@QuinnieMae The audacity in telling a stranger on the internet whether or not they are negatively impacted by their "quirkiness". Also you do realize that this is a youtube video with extremely many cuts, extremely often multiple mid sentence? And that is is an autistic phenomenon spending your lifetime (mind you this youtuber is in her 20s) actively observing and analysing other peoples facial expressions and behaviors and copying it because it doesn't come out naturally for autistic people? It's an insult to assume that all autistic people don't even have the brain capacity to copy facial muscle movement. Also having aspergers is literally having autism, it's a specific part of the spectrum - part from the fact that the term "asperger syndrome" isn't even officially used anymore, because Hans Asperger was a nazi who took part in the holocaust by deciding which autistic people are worthy of living. Aspergers is basically just a term to differentiate between autistics and "more intelligent autistics". I'm just gonna get a bit audacious myself by asking, have you ever being considered being narcissistic yourself, as you accuse people of being in another comment of yours?
I don’t like self diagnoses but I’ve been wondering this about myself recently, and I relate to like more than half of these and I’ve always wanted to express how I felt but it’s really hard to put it into words.
I have resonated with basically everything you said here, per usual. It's wild to think all these little (And big)things I've never thought were on other peoples minds or others could relate with are so incredibly similar in so many ways, I was just talking about how I use media to convey my situation/thoughts/feeling, as well! I have even shown your videos to my s/o to explain my perception of things!!
It all makes sense of my world, in ways nothing else has!! Thank you!! I’ve realized recently that ALL my favorite memories as a child are in peaceful, quiet, still, calm spaces. I loved family gatherings, but often hid under things and could not imagine why, until this video!! I remember hearing of a sensory deprivation tank when I was a teen and it seemed like a dream I could only imagine experiencing. But my favorite times in the water were quiet pools with no one around, floating on my back for as long as the world would let me! I became allergic to chlorine, so haven’t known that joy for years. I need to find some new chill spots!
When you were describing relating to scenes in films and movies with no dialogue, I relate to so much. That is why some of my all time favourite movies are The Last Black Man in San francisco, At Eternity's Gate, Heartstone, The Northman, and Beasts of the Southern WIld
I completely relate to the use of media to explain your emotions. I had several moments in my life where I wasn't able to process something until I saw a similar (or relatable) experience in a piece of media. It actually makes it difficult to consume new-to-me media because sometimes it sideswipes me and puts me into a really emotional processing state. I had this happen when I watched the new She-ra and I identified with a villain's storyline and redemption so much that I basically shut down for two weeks (because it led me to process an identity I had held most of my life). I was not prepared...especially since it was a "kids show." Thanks for sharing this. I hear so much of my experience in yours.
Oh my god I did the night swimming as well! I used to work late shifts in the office because it usually meant that I was alone most of the time (should’ve known by then lol) and afterwards on my way back in summer I would stop by a lake near by to go night swimming. I remember it scared me a little bit but I would let myself float on the water and look into the stars…I’m telling to this was the most peaceful I’ve felt..ever. So feel you there ♥️
I resonate so much with a lot said here. I can realize my emotions so much better through film and I love films and writing, but have always struggled to write dialogue and just never enjoyed it. Perfect example of a good film, sensory wise (for me) and personal emotions wise was 'past lives'. I didnt even know yet why exactly I cried so much at the end, but I realized after a while which themes related to me and why. I have also always found comfort in small/dark spaces. I remember crawling in corners between furniture, underneath my desk, behind my closet. And would usually listen to music theoigh headphones because there were often too much other sounds and music is nice to me because it is so cohesive. Now I still like walking around in a dark house and dont put on loghts often.
Wow. Everything you said about non-dialogue scenes and visual content was spot on for me. I've never been able to express exactly what I love about those moments in film where everything comes together so beautifully to capture something so profound, so thank you for that. I've never felt so heard and seen. And I 💯 % feel the stim feeling that you are talking about.
This was a breath of massive crisp, clean, and fresh air. I have never been understood or very rarely by others. Hearing you speak about your experiences had me feeling very seen because I am very similar/the same from what you shared. Thank you for your confidence in sharing your experiences as well as taking great care in your explanations.
OMG I do not have words when someone describe so accurate things that even when are not exactly the same, they actually follow so familiar dynamic, this masking thing for so many years just to basically survive and be accepted by a crowd of unknowledgeable individuals in society , is freaking sad. We are also brilliant enough to transmute and be the alchemist of our own traumas. Thanks for your words
Thanks for Sharing. I had the worst of both worlds. A very abusive mother, that was a narcicist that was great at manipulating everyone. And me, AuDHD. But my greatest stim stopped was actually more traumatic than even being brutally beaten. Not what a NT would consider bad. My rocking chair, records, console stereo, and headphones were my world. Sorry, just a little insite. Taking that rocking chair away litterally drove me into a violent meltdown at 12 that took years to get over. (decades). It's what made me what I am today though and much more learns since... I'm now 56. Thanks for putting words to describe what I know to. We all are the researchers. We have much more in common. But the next generations have it better and share it so well. Us old timers might know a lot, but yall teach us the words. We compare, share, AND WE ARE ALL OLD SOULS. Thanks for sharing!
I cried on and off for days after watching “Out of Africa”…lots of those non-dialogue scenes which brought back the beautiful sensory data (animal and insect sounds, sunsets, African drum music) from living in South Africa age 5-10. I also sought out sensory deprivation especially by floating in a lake or pool at night or at sunset with eyes closed or staring at the sky and clouds. Floating face down was even better but I needed a snorkel to do it for long. 😂Snorkeling in the ocean is such joy that I once got left behind by a tour boat…I was fully immersed in the experience and lost all track of time😅. (An hour later they came back for me but I had just realized they were gone and hadn’t gotten around to panicking yet)😮
I am so relieved of your - to me - crystal clear explanation.. cos I guess we all relate here.. Plus a lot of our ways I find is in line with INFJ personality type as well .. We are just usually not understood.. it is a constant struggle.. So thank you so much, Irene 🌷🙏💕
I have done something very similar to your Christmas tree experience. I used to do this under my family's dining room table. The chair legs would be pushed up against me and it was dark, no one knew I was there, and I could watch everyone just doing everyday stuff. I don't know why I liked it, but you helped explain it I think. Thank you!
I sometimes fear I overuse emojis/images when I'm texting to people who are not my best friends. I mean, I have been overusing emojis since way back when msn messenger was a thing! Also I still do the sensory deprivation thing. What I do after social situations (which overwhelm me) is to lock myself in my room, turn off or cover all light sources, then hide myself under layers of blankets and a heavy duvet. I just lay there and feel so calm and happy.
20:42 to add with the Sensory Deprivation topic, I remember being a little kid in the pool around summertime. Either being in an inner tube or waterwings, and I definitely remember being in a puffy foam life jacket. I would float there and close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the water lap around me. But the part that made me write this comment that I remember most fondly was that I would float there and kick my feet to get to a gentle spin. I really enjoyed being in the sun with my eyes closed, and just spinning around in the void. 🦭 I really felt so happy and peaceful ☺️ just like a little seal pup
the last point hit hard, I also used to do similar things and all of them used to make me feel a peacefulness i feel like I rarely experience... everything is quite and no one will interrupt you. in these times I have time to process and time to relax and to recharge I can't explain it well but it used to make me feel so empty yet so fulfilled
I used to go in the space between the basement ceiling and the floor of the 1st floor. I also liked to hang out on the bottom of the pool, it was daytime though because the pool was closed at night
Your content is great! Your observations about being affected by no dialogue in films was spot on. I watched the film 'Sound of Metal' and almost fainted during scenes because i had difficulty breathing. Amazing film but i felt like i had been run over by an 18-wheeler by the end of it.
20:20 I know this was I year ago, but hearing someone explain something I honestly forgot from my childhood to the tea and have the same explanation for doing it is just kind of insane to me! Hiding under the table, Christmas tree, bed or ironing board I always enjoyed these spots since no one would bother me and I could just watch everyone else. I enjoyed that a lot It felt really freeing and nice to just idk not talk to people? And just watch. I've always liked watching :)
You talking about movies without dialogue, and me remembering Fantasia as a child... I watched it every day after school in kindergarten. It is such a good movie. Beautiful music, fantastic art, and a story that you can immerse yourself into!
i relate to the whole "relating to and personalizing media" thing so much i almost want to send this video to my friends to let them know that this is exactly how i feel when watching tv shows :')
My sensory deprivation hiding spots when I was little was sliding under the dining room hutch and laying there watching people's feet, the upstairs corner of my grandparents library which was nice dark and rarely visited by others in the house, and (for short periods) the bottom of a pool with the silence and pressure ❤
High functioning in autism is not comparing neurodivergent people with non neurodivergent people. It is comparing neurodivergent people who can attend normal classes and learn to drive a car with neurodivergent people who can’t attend normal classes, who are non verbal or verbally challenged and will never be self supporting or able to function in society as an adult. High functioning neurodivergent people are often successful and tend to do well in the sciences. Compare this to a neurodivergent person that may not be able to communicate enough to ask for help in a store or able to work out how to find the info themselves what they need and how to purchase it. When looked at this way, yes, you are high functioning.
omg i definitely relate to the thing about using paintings or songs or artwork to express myself! Like if i am assigned a book to read at school, i don't like it and am reluctant to do anything with it if i can't find any personal connection with it- and when i do find such a book and am told to write an essay about it or something, i find myself writing about what it makes me feel like, rather than focusing on the actual characters...
Also, I love expressing myself creatively through figure skating. I did feel like I communicated best through these non verbal ways: skating, music, writing. I skated competitively for a while and on the ice was when I felt most confident in my younger years, even though I did deal with performance anxiety during competition. The daily routine of school (sometimes some skating before school), skating, off ice conditioning/ballet/stretching, eat, homework and music, sleep, repeat, was one I had down to pat and I liked the structure, even though I barely had time to spend with the few friends I had.
Its quite shocking to me how much I relate to the experiences you talk about in your videos. I have seen a lot of videos on autism and although I find many facets in them that I relate to, your videos contain the most matching experiences so far. The particular one about expression emotions by sharing a movie with someone is also something I've done all my life without fully understanding why it was so important or critical. And now I want to share your video with my heart family to express how I feel about my movie times with them. :D . Thank you for making these videos. -Lily
I must say that I am not officially diagnosed or self diagnosed, I am at the start of my journey of finding out whether I am or not neurodiverse or not. I find it difficult also when I share a piece of media that is not just a band I like but a canvas that displays how my mind makes connections and how it harmonically resonate with my anxiety to counter it. A piece of media can be a piece of a person and I can't remember what the point of the comment I am typing but I highly resonate with this sentement and it hurts a little when someone doesn't seem to hear, see or feel what I do about a piece of media I do.
I resonate with how you consume/process media and how you communicate using memes. I usually use gifs, but have the same vibe as you seem to have. I refuse to stop because it helps me convey myself better than just text
I also cringe at the term “high-functioning” because trust me I’m BARELY functioning 😅 I prefer the term “high-masking” because that’s literally what I’m doing. To say I’m “high-functioning” would be in direct conflict with my support needs and also dismisses the reality that autism is a spectrum and not a linear experience. In my mind, neurotypicals are the “high-functioning” ones 😂
Also, not everyone will know "high/low functioning" was created by nazí's to decide which Autistic people would go to which camps. We all really need to stop using those terms as they where literally created to genocide us.
I also appreciate high masking vs. Low masking because it allows a fluid motion on a case by case (minute by minute) scenario; it also emphasizes that every person on the spectrum who goes "unnoticed" are actively (or conditioned) make a choice of other people's comfort over their own; this I appreciate at least being talked about more / normalizing conversations about 💖💖💝
That is DEFINITELY a better term. Because barely getting by on the inside while seeming put together or unreadable on the outside & unable to express onesself in terms others would understand without being incoherent & melting down is it's own kind of special burden.
This, just exactly this comment, I can definitely relate 😵
Omg same ❤
as far as sensory deprivation... I was always a night owl since a kid. I had the entire planet to myself to do whatever I wanted and not have to deal with noisy people. I would mostly stay up and read books and listen to music when I was younger. When older, I would ride my bike around the city. Sometimes getting up and biking for 40 miles, with headphones in. These were the greatest times of my life. Riding a bike is like flying. And with headphones, I had my own theme music.
edit: subbed!
Agree 100%
For the record, probably not a good idea to ride a bike with headphones on. Do so at your own risk.
@@plantstho6599It's a good thing autistic people often have a diminished sense of danger, then.
Yes, I know it's dumb but I do this.
Small risk of dying outweighs not just going out there and living life.
The night as an opportunity for sensory calm?
Of course! Now I almost feel stupid for never making that connection as to why I prefer the night.
Wouldn't be surprised if there was even a genetic adaptation that makes autists night owls; to avoid parts of the busy day.
@@plantstho6599you may want to check out some cheekbone headphones. They sit in front of your ears, not in them, so you can still hear your surroundings. They vibrate and can feel a bit funny so aren't for everyone but might be something to try if you're interested!
I love expressing myself with emoji in text conversations, but at the same time I judge myself because I know I'm not actually smiling/frowning/crying/whatever. It feels dishonest , or like a type of masking (but it doesn't take as much energy)
The thing is most social interaction is posturing/lying unless it is a close friend or other safe person. That's the unfortunate condition of existing.
I absolutely hate emojis because I feel like I use them wrong lol
@@venus_liv I used to feel that way but then I realised everyone uses them differently, so I can too! 😄 but it's totally ok if you don't want to use them at all, of course
my kind of mindeset when I use 😆 instead of 😂. It's more hip to use exaggerated or ironic emojis and phrases, so when I use a more sincere emoji it feels kind of lame. I definitely didn't grow out of peer pressure and fear of looking "stupid". Everything is so much easier over the internet 😖
I have a hack for that: 💩👍
👩🔬🫴🖖
My past teenage self is crying right now. I never thought anyone else felt like me and used lyrics and photos like me to express themselves. I never knew there were other people like me who feel SO deeply and profoundly but find it difficult, sometimes impossible, to fully and properly express those thoughts and feelings to others. I relate to ALL of this. I’m dx ADHD but suspect AuDHD.
same ✨💗
Same
I cry with you friend
Same ❤️🫂
Me and my wife found out that she is autistic (through tests and actual diagnosis) a few months ago, and I'm trying to learn more and more about it. So much from what you said REALLY relates to her, it's impressive, even in small details. Autistic people feel so alone...she is going through depression as well. I'm doing the best I can to better understand her world...
That is awesome !
Please know that you are being a huge support to her, even if she is unable to express it in a way you can "hear" ❤ Thank you for loving her through this experience!
Wish I could find a woman like this...
Thats amazing. Just be there, i imagine.
You're amazing.
I relate to lots of these. But most strongly to being more expressive by text. I also spend lavish amounts of time on my texts and emails and recognise that feeling of almost being amazed that I'm so clear and emotive. I often reread my sent texts and emails multiple times, not to check or in an anxious way. It gives me a comforting feeling that I'm helping myself remember who I am and I feel pleased with myself.
I do the same with my online posts. I'll spend 15 minutes working out how I want to word something, and then days later I'll get a notification of a like or comment or whatever, and when I check it I reread my post a couple of time and kinda just sit there feeling a little bit proud like "damn. I wrote that."
So relatable, I've never felt that any1 else understood this. I have alot of pressure to be online for bizness purposes but it's so stressful for me and the "supportive" people in my life dont get it becuz im a preatty good communicator 1 on 1 Thank U both for sharing 🥹
YES! I never realized until I read your comment. That’s why I re read my written communications.
your videos have been such a comfort to me lately. i’m really struggling and told my mom i’m pretty sure i’m autistic after a years worth of research and she’s not taking it great. i feel alone in this but your videos help me so much. thank you :)
If you ever can try to get a diagnosis go prove it to her and for yourself, if possible. If not I wish you the best and a wonderful life ahead. May you have a great memories and moments ahead.
I never really felt comfortable talking about being autistic to my family. I used to get bullied by my siblings as a child for being weird and my parents never interveined. I only really told my mother that I am autistic as my family already kinda knew. I never told them about being depressed as a child and how much I struggle. I feel more comfortable talking to strangers and friends about it than to my own family. I never even told them that I‘m trying to get an assessment and want therapy. I hope your situation improves. It takes time for everyone to adjust but I recommend you unmask as much as you feel comfortable. If she sees your struggles she might believe you more and actually want to help. In my personal experience it‘s not that people don‘t want to help but most can‘t imagine what it feels like to be autistic especially if you mask a lot of symptoms. Most people I told about some issues I have were very kind and respectful. If you need someone to talk to just reply, I spend way to much time on yt😂.
I'm so sad about your mom not helping you. If she just knew that, if you are autistic, maybe SHE is autistic too, or maybe your father. Big hug from Barcelona. 🤗❤️
@@guntera3845 I relate to your experience so much. I had two older brothers growing up, and one of them bullied me relentlessly. Sometimes when I would go to my mom to tell her what he said to me, she would agree with him. You can imagine how that made me feel. I don’t know, if I ever get diagnosed, if I could ever share it with my family.
@@sonoftorin I‘m sorry to hear that. Hope your relationship improved since then. I don‘t know if I‘ll ever openly talk about my struggles with my family but I‘m trying to be more myself around them. I can‘t move out anytime soon as I‘ll have to get my degree first so something has to change. I mask stimming more around my family than anyone else. My mother would also punish me because I started being violent toward my siblings to defend myself. I can remember ramming my elbow into my older brothers back repeatedly. Funny thing is I‘m not a violent or aggressive person at all. I‘ve been slapped by an angry friend and didn‘t feel like fighting back even though encouraged by everyone. Never had the urge to fight anyone besides my own family. I don‘t really know how much I should blame them for the abuse I went through as they didn‘t really understand why I was weird. They never had ill intentions but made my childhood misrable. Just know that you were not at fault. Some people don‘t consider for a second how much words can hurt someone close to you. I don‘t think your mother wanted to hurt you (atleast I hope so) she probably never considered that her actions have long lasting consequences. Glad that my comment was useful for others. Good luck with your family.
The sensory deprivation thing is super relatable! My favorite thing to do when I was younger was to go into my closet, turn off the light, and just stand there with my palms pressed against my eyes. I liked how I was able to think in there without people talking to or looking at me.
It's so weird. I can read your mood even with just audio. But I've also spent my whole life overanalyzing other people so I could learn how to act and react properly as an autistic person so it makes sense. It's still just so weird to hear someone feel so hurt and upset about not being understood when she can clearly express these emotions. Neurotypical people just aren't looking close enough.
I agree! After I watched that part of the video I thought, "hmm, that's interesting, I feel like her emotions are very clear.' Neurotypical expressions always seemed exaggerated to me even when they are natural and not dramatized. I've often struggled with appearing surprised, appreciative, or excited 'enough' because my responses seem very muted by comparison. I always feel like I have to overemphasize so people don't think I am faking or disappointed.
@@elizabethivy1337 I usually have the opposite problem. I have a really hard time regulating my emotions so if I'm happy or excited or angry the emotion gets very big and can be too much for people. I do have times when I have a mute affect but that's just my baseline. Resting boring face is what I call it. I look so bored even when I'm very content or happy.
@jeaniegirllover5335 When I got to that part of the video I felt the same way. For a long time, all I did was study people and their expressions. By the time I was older and with a diagnosis, when someone told me their thoughts or feelings I couldn't react or respond despite the fact that I knew and had studied facial expressions. By now I feel like if I tried to express any feeling through my face or body language it would feel dishonest and disrespectful to the person having a bad emotional day. All I can do is listen and be there for that person I care about.
Super helpful ♥️ I was talking with my mom this morning about how I learned it was “rude” to wear my sunglasses indoors or while talking to people but wow I’ve given myself permission to wear my sunnies indoors and while talking to others (helps with the sensory overload of the bright light , the sun, and not having to look at people in the eyes ) -protection on so many levels
I also tried sensory deprivation as a kid, though I didn't know that's what it was! I would hide under beds, in closets behind stuff, in empty cabinets, piles of blankets or pillows, my big toy box (a little tikes bookcase and storage chest for reference). I also liked playing outside a lot so I would climb up high in trees and just sit there, or hide in different parts of playgrounds, like sitting in the middle of a tube slide. I kinda miss doing that actually now that I remember it, being an adult is wack
I was still climbing trees and hiding in them at age 15. It’s so quiet and shady and beautiful in a tree. My son was the same way but my daughter would hide in closets during play dates and at Sunday school. Adults in charge would not tolerate my son being in trees or my daughter being in a closet when THEY NEEDED to be there…so they were punished and forced to be out with the other children. I didn’t know we were all autistic but I understood their need to hide from groups of people so I just pulled them out of camps, Sunday school, sports programs and felt like my kids were missing out! They did not miss out…they played outside abd made up games and stories and had became kind and interesting and responsible adults who honor their need for alone time.
Oh Irene, if you knew how much the part about sensory deprevation resonated with me. I don't usually comment, due to me struggling to properly put my thoughts into coherent words, but I just had to share.
I remember hiding away as a child in our cellar and bathrooms with no windows and just sitting there in the darkness, just like you. I realized I still do this at age 21 when at work. I work in hospitality, so that can get very overwhelming quite often. But there's a toilet far away from the people and it's so dark and silent in there if you stay in there long enough you can't even tell where is up and where is down!! It's so peaceful, for a few minutes before i have to return to work :(
Anyways, I really love your videos. Whenever i watch you I feel so comforted, it's like your content is one huge cozy weighted blanket on top of me haha
I am super expressive through text and I literally cannot stand flat texters because I never know how they feel!! If someone isn’t expressive through text, I always think they’re mad at me. In person I am also expressive, but it’s a mask. It’s me pretending to be outgoing, it usually doesn’t actually reflect how I feel on the inside.
ALSO I used to hide under my mom’s bed a lot as a kid. There was a big fish tank in there & I liked being in the room with no lights on, it would be cool but the carpet was comfortable, & listening to the water filter running. I also had to sleep in the pitch dark with no sound whatsoever.
I don’t send movies or movie clips to express my feelings, but I am 100% immersed in the feelings of every character when I watch a movie or show. I have to take breaks from watching shows because it takes such an emotional toll on me due to my highly empathetic nature. Other people have never understood that
I do the sensory deprivation to myself throughout my childhood too. Now that I'm a mom with lots of kids, sensory deprivation is a form of self care. 😊
I understand and feel this so hard
Oh my gosh you just unlocked a memory! When I was really little I would empty out my toy box, get in, and close it. If just sit there for a long time. Then my Granma started sitting on the lid, so I stopped.
I've been wondering more and more lately if I might be on the spectrum, or if I'm overcoming extensive childhood trauma and neglect.
I once had somebody tell me, "You look and sound so flat." After which point I made a conscious effort to "emote" more, inject more variation into my tone, utilize more facial expression. And I'm much more expressive than I used to be. But there are also moments I find myself "forgetting" to outwardly emote, to laugh or to smile. But when I do consciously synch my outward expression with my inner emotions, I do notice an... "amplification" of that feeling? I know it's said that smiling can actually make you feel happy.
the seeking similar deprivation hit so hard. i use to talk about it so much in therapy. i’ve now realized how much better my day is when i take 5-20 minutes of just no stimilation
6:50 I use metaphors a lot. I agree that art and movies are SUCH an important part of my experience expressing myself. I had no idea I was trying to do this though. I also relate a lot of things to my life and feel super passionate about it
My metaphorical/abstract way of expressing my thoughts & emotions has made it very difficult to interact w/ others at times... But it's true to me. And whenever it DOES click for someone, it is so immeasurably rewarding & the conversation is usually super enriching. It's been somewhat difficult because my partner is [likely, not confirmed] on the spectrum & he's a concrete thinker, but we're getting used to things. IDK if I'm Autistic, but I'm DEFINITELY ADHD & have some social issues.
THIS. I HATED sharing my feelings in high school because it felt like words just couldn't capture it. I would use metaphors constantly. It'd be like "so imagine I'm a cake right but the oven was just too hot the whole time and then when you go to put on icing it seems like a normal cake but it's actually burnt when you bite into it" or something. Even I got lost in the sauce of the metaphor sometimes. But it's all I had to make sense of things.
Omg when you said you wanted to get away from being perceived, that hit home. When I was a kid, I would sit up on the top shelf in my closet because it felt like a secret space and when I was out shopping with my mom, I always wanted to hide in the middle of those round clothing racks because no one could see me and the clothing dampened the sound. And a lot more that I'm just now realizing was sensory deprivation
I feel like I have an opposite problem than you. I OVER express my emotions. Everyone can tell what I am feeling cause I show it all through noises and movement...but then people get weirded out, even when I am just really enjoying something.
Yeah, it can be the same here. I'm also never shy about making myself clear verbally because I'm sorely sensitive about being misunderstood or misinterpreted. Whether it's verbal or written, when I'm encountering the slightest bit of unease that I know will peek through my body language or tone of voice, I NEED to say something. I'm not about to sit in discomfort...
Which can bother some people a lot. Because they think I can't enjoy myself or want to be around them if I'm upset. No, I just needed to be on the same page & then I can recover, but I don't want to exert the willpower to hold in everything until there's a "better moment".
I'm trying to adapt & learn timing... It's easier since I've learned distress tolerance strategies in therapy. But it just feels weird to not try to connect to people I care about by expressing myself.
sensory deprivation: as a child i would often hide in a dark room or a closet. I also did the thing of sinking to the bottom of the pool (but during the day), and feeling totally relaxed watching people swim overhead and hearing only the muffled sounds of people outside of the water. As an adult I was once caught hiding in a closet, trying to escape the sounds and lights around me, that was very difficult to explain. At the workplace I'd often go to the bathroom and lock myself in there for a while to 'reset' my mind and any overload I was experiencing.
I deeply resonate with you and your experience of being immersed in movie scenes especially with little to no dialogue or dialogue that 'fits'. I feel them too. It's as though I am experiencing the scene as my reality, not consumption of visual data it makes it into my brain as lived experience.
Exactly!
Me too. There is a scene in The Magicians where one of the characters, a deaf woman, is having a conversation with another person, and there is no sound for like five minutes. I was more immersed in that scene than the rest of the episode.
I get what you mean with the joy of a beautiful movie scene espically when the score just hits right. Pure Joy.
This thing with content/media that I like being rejected! And it feels like I as a person have just been rejected... that's the reason why I basically never share the music I listen to, my favourite movies, or similar things.
I can feel like it takes away from the thing I really like by having somebody not like it
I have felt this same rejection many times, partially because my favorite music, movies, and books are my special interests, and partially because I rely on them to identify and express what I'm feeling. I think a lot of neurotypicals don't think about what these kinds of media mean to them because they don't need to use them to express feelings like most of us do. I went to counseling when I was a kid because I had trouble expressing my feelings. The counseling didn't help very much, but when my dad changed the music he was listening to because it wasn't helping his anxiety, I found that I could express my feelings so much easier just by relating my life experiences to the music.
Took me a while to gather my thoughts and figure out how to put them into words, but 35 minutes is about record time for me 😄
I used to hide under the tree as well. I just always felt so safe under there and if the lights were on, even better. They were soft yellow lights and I pretended they were stars. I would also hide under my bed or in the clothes racks at stores.
I used to sleep in the closet when I was a kid. It was dark and silent. Didn't find out I was autistic until recently, but now that makes sense.
I was a climber. I would get on the top shelf of the linen closet and shut the door to just hear the muffled sounds of my family from far away. I was so good at hide and seek that often I would not be found at all and would just fall asleep in my cubby.
I also climbed trees at school recess (it was Alaska and we had a forest playground) I would do it silently when no one noticed and then spend the time with the tree texture and the ladybugs and the sounds while also observing the kids below in silence.
Lastly (again, alaska) in the winter I would bundle up in all the snow gear and then go out and fall back into a snow bank and just stare at the stars while my body was formed to the snow. Winter is so silent - no bugs, no birds - just your heartbeat in your scarf and hat wrapped head and outer space.
I didn’t actually know any of these things were “weird” until hearing my family discuss them once I grew up. Their versions were inaccurate as to why I was doing what I did but it really gave me some hindsight on things I had never clocked.
Omg I used to do very similar things when I was a kid and hearing you talk about that finally made me realize it was a neurodivergent trait. I used to hide under the sandwich board at my moms store, hide in lockers, boxes and hide inside round clothing racks at department stores. I also used to put my head underwater in the bath. Now I really want to try a sensory deprivation tank.
Hi, I've actually just kind of realised/ came to terms with the fact I am autistic with ADHD and watching your videos have made me feel a lot less inadequate and has shown me that there are a lot of correlations between things I have been hard on myself for being directly caused by my place on the spectrum
Most people have personality quirks like what this person describes as Autism. In reality people with actual Autism are rare.
@@QuinnieMaeWhat is your mission oh my god, what do you think the term "spectrum" is for?
My boyfriend is autistic and he does the same exact thing with movies,tv shows etc to explain things he can’t. We had a hard time in the beginning, he was misdiagnosed till in his 40s so we are learning together how to communicate ☺️
I'm not diagnosed but omg I've been binge watching your channel. I can relate so much. And I'm tired of therapists, it's exhausting just to think about how many sessions would it take to be diagnosed. These videos really help ❤
Riiiiite😊
Well the good news is that most people have personality quirks like the girl in the video calls "Autism". In reality 80% of human beings are "neurodiverse". Most people who are autistic would never be able to make videos on TH-cam. Most truly autistic people are not able to go 5 minutes in conversation without emoting at least 5 symptoms of Autism.
You likely have anxiety as most people with Autism are unable to go without being diagnosed. Hope this makes you feel better!
@@QuinnieMaeThis is a ridiculous take. If you’re going to spread misinformation this is not the place to do so.
@@QuinnieMaeI actually exhibit 1,000 traits per second, you don’t set the rules, the autistic limit does not exist 😊
@@QuinnieMae It being called "neurodiverse" wouldn't even make sense if 80% were neurodiverse. Also may i ask how you determine how many traits people in the comment section emote in conversations when they're just out here writing comments? How do you know how often this youtuber has to record a sentence until it's being conveyed right? By your logic (being autistic = emoting 5 traits in 5 minutes) she would even be totally fine just making a cut every minute. Also are you basically saying "truly" autistic people can't mask? (I know neurotypical people do also mask to some degree, but) how would that make sense when active and excessive masking is officially recognized as an autism trait?
What you said definitely resonates with me. My thoughts are portrayed in pictures and moving images so I can never fully convey what I'm thinking and feeling in words
. It's so frustrating but I'm able to write down what I'm thinking in poetry using metaphors and what not. It really helps.
this is such a validating video. and the expression through text vs verbally part especially! every single message i send to people always has an emoji in it 🤣
I totally sought out sensory deprivation growing up and still do to this day. One of the places that I feel most at home and peaceful is in the shower of a bathroom with no windows and with the lights off. I routinely spent hours drifting in and out of sleep or listening to peaceful video essays and story narrations. I also sleep with a lot of white noise because it helps me filter out the sounds that aren't in my control in the environment
I've been thinking a lot about my flat affect and inability to properly express myself for the past 2 or 3 days, so this is weird, but nice timing. I also relate to actually being expressive over text. There are even times where I send something that I genuinely mean, but I simultaneously think to myself "There's no way I could talk like this in real life...".
And while I've never hid under a Christmas tree or locker, I do remember putting myself under a comforter and just curling up. Hell I still do that sometimes but I'm a bit too tall for it to be as comfortable as I'd like... I did get two cats and watching them find dark, hard to find areas to rest in always looks so relaxing and makes me envious, especially when I'm stressed. Now I think I understand why lol
My cat can get himself completely under the comforter somehow lol, he just stays in there and sleeps, we have much to learn from cats
I used to go under the Christmas table while everyone finished their dinner and feel comforted by the heavy tablecloth and the relative quiet.
I also used to hide in my mom’s closet behind her fur coat and sit for a looong time.
I would love you to talk about finding a secure loving relationship as a neurodivergent girl. I also have AdHD and Autism 😊
Yeah.. I use emojis instead of punctuation when texting... I know it's excessive and it's weird how none of it matches my actual expression. But it matches what's on the inside.
And damn, that sensory deprivation thing. I had just been wondering if it could be am autistong thing that I feel such comfort and peace when I can watch other people secretly without anyone else seeing me. I used to this with my family. In the morning I'd sneak to the kitchen door without a sound so I could have a moment there, observing, before anyone knew I'm awake.
Non-verbal scene I love: Before Sunrise... Jessie and Celine in the music booth. I. Love. That. Scene. It says so much with no words whatsoever. ❤ 🎶
About the Christmas tree thing... I used to always wanna sit in cubbies I think for the same reasons. One thing I did alot was we had a large dog cage... and I always wanted to crawl into the dog cage with the dog and just lay there, unbothered. I think it was a way for me to escape my own existence sometimes. And just find that peace in a different context. Like escaping all my kid worries and pretending to be somewhere else, soemthing else. Idk if that makes sense but it made me think of that.
Thank you for this awesome video😊
I relate to not being able to understand people's emotions because they are expressing different emotions than they are feeling. So, I don't know how to appropriately support their real needs because they don't know what they want or need. If I support their true needs, they are angry because I see their vulnerability, and if I support their pretend needs appropriate to their fake actions, then they are upset because I didn't support their true needs.
I also have become very inexpressive because if I show people how I feel at any given time, they will be upset with my expressing myself. If I am happy it is 'inappropriate' if I am sad it is 'inappropriate' if I am angry it is 'inappropriate' it doesn't feal fair to me that I should have to mask how I feel to accommodate other people, while other people can just express any emotion they want, mostly fake and often inappropriate.
Lately, I have been telling people how I feel and when they tell me my feelings are inappropriate, I tell them that they can not tell me how I should feel, I have the right to feel however I feel. I tell them if they are offended by my actual actions, they should let me know, and I will consider their offendednes and possibly change my behavior, but I have the right to feal however I am feeling and they do not have the right to tell me how to feel. My feelings are my own, not theirs.❤
AuDHD dude here. I RELATE A LOT THIS VIDEO. Movies are a big deal to me. I may not relate to specific scenes, but the ones that I enjoy the most, it bothers me when people stop paying attention because there might be visual shifts and queues to notice. And I also use memes to communicate emotion ✋
I am struggling so much since I have masked my whole life and now at 31, I’m chronically ill and I feel like I’m drowning a bit. Feeling stuck in myself is rough, but I need to create a safe space for myself which I don’t have yet.
I love small spaces, I used to always hide in cupboards or the bathroom. The world is so loud and bright.
I like this explanation, my girlfriend has a lot of attributes that you mentioned especially when you talked about memes she expresses well on text, very little expression by writing. We're newly dating, I hope we work out but I need to understand her better and be patient with her always🎉.
Recently subscribed to the channel... your videos have been so validating!! The trait that resonated the most with me was the one about being in solitude. As a child, I would look at our X-Mas lights after the rest of my family was sleeping, imagining myself floating in space. I would also find a quiet spot during recess at school and just look up at the sky. These moments and others were so calming for me because the world, especially school, is so overwhelming and draining.
Your videos are so enlightening. Especially when talked about getting your feelings hurt when you show someone a video that you resonate with and they don’t fully appreciate it. I never knew what that was but now I understand it more!
Today I reached another burn out, almost quit my job for the hundreth time. I cried so hard knowing there's someone out there having the exact same thoughts as me. You're making people profoundly stronger. Thank you!
Jacob yes, yes and yes. I think about quitting my job A LOT. And its a job with some flexibility but the lack of rules and supervision is very stressful. I dont want to be micromanaged but the lack of leadership and working alone is killing me. A colleague that worked on my team used to help me with understanding emails...i have trouble interpreting what NTs want and i get it all wrong many times. I realize i burnt out when she entered maternity leave. Im on sick leave because i stopped sleeping (yeah 1 to 2hrs a night isnt really sleeping) and had a big flare up of auto immune disease. So youre definitively not alone. Ive been very anxious but im gonna do what i have to do and get the autism assessment procedures. Take care.
You have helped me identify behaviors and patterns in myself I haven’t recognized in 40 years of life, so your video is a success
Thank you so much for this video. There is a lot of traits that i feel is fitting for me.
I have always liked texting over phone calls because I think it’s easier for me to express myself there without any outside judgement. I think it’s hard to talk on the phone because I don’t see the other persons facial expression so I don’t know how they actually are feeling. I have a strong intuition and can feel when somebody don’t feel good and try to hide it with their facial expression. When I was little the best place in the world were in my room and in my bed with all my teddybears where I felt safe and didn’t have any expectations on me ❤
I relate to a lot of this, I definitely have always enjoyed sensory deprivation. As a kid I would love to hide in boxes, or cupboards, or any small space I could get myself into and just chill. More recently I love taking baths or showers in complete darkness, cut out sight completely and just focus on other senses
Thank you so much for your video!! I find extremely relatable expressing myself through music. Usually, one of the first questions i ask a new person is what type of music do they listen to or to show me their playlist, because i feel SO MUCH while listening to music and i need to know what other person is listening to understand them better. Sometimes i would find a song that becomes really important to me and i would share it with my friend, talking about how i like it and how i want them to listen, but even if they listen to it eventually, they don't seem to feel all the things i do and i become extremly upset over that. Thanks to you, now i understand that it's not just my quirk, thank you so much!!! You've been really helpful on my journey of getting to know myself and my autistic traits better!
OH MY GOD My heart stopped when you said you used to sit at the bottom of the pool. I have no memory of this, but my mom always tells the story of when I got swimming lessons. When I was 3 years old, I used to sit at the bottom of the pool all the time. My mom would panic and bring me to the surface and when she left me alone I would just go back down. You had to be 4 to get into swimming class at the boys & girls Club, so she lied about my age and I went to swimming lessons. I graduated, I knew how to swim, and I went straight back to the bottom of the pool and my mom was furious.
Looking back, sensory deprivation makes a lot of sense. I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and autism last year.
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I've never heard it expressed like this before. I was convinced I couldn't explain or express myself in a way that others would understand, and am still like this really. Because of this, I tried and tried in different ways, but because it didn't work, I became convinced that it's impossible for me to be seen as I am to other people. I started learning facial expressions because I clocked on that people were expecting them off of me and would be different without them, but even then, it can come across exagerated or false. I've been in this place of despair and isolation, where I've been convinced that there's no point in even trying to express or be understood as people just can't because there's something broken with me. When I do feel seen or understood by a song or a movie, it means so so much, so like you I show my partner and when it's not really understood what I'm trying to share, it hurts so much. Sometimes it works, or I find another language (song, picture, movie, words) to try and offer it a different way. Through this I've learned how important it is to convey to someone that you see or understand them, as it really does mean everything to me to be willingly seen and understood by another. Of course, this can be manipulated and has been, as when people show interest I may misinterpret this for a willingness to understand when it's something else. I get confused and overloaded easily when trying to explain something that just isn't perceived the same way as I see it in my head, it's as if there is a button missing where I should be able to project my ideas, thoughts, and emotions into someone else. Like the way we communicate is lacking somehow.
Videos like this help me so much. Not only to validate my own experiences but also to see that we're not alone in the challeneges we face here. Thank you so much for what you do, great channel and it's great to watch you grow too. Thank you!
I used to sleep in a wardrobe which was dark and quiet, this concerned my staff and I never knew why I did this until I understood overload. When it gets too hard, it's still helpful for me to just sit and hold myself in a dark cupboard.
I used to stay up all night to feel that sense of peace at nighttime. Again I didn't understand at the time, hearing you talk about sensory isolation resonates with me so much.
I relate to so much of this! Trying to convey how I feel to someone through movies and getting my feelings hurt if they didn't understand it, I do this all the time and never realized it was a thing. I like to swim at night too or just by myself in general. As a child I would hide in my closet or behind the couch a lot, make blanket forts, climb trees and just stay up there for hours sometimes.
I would always hide in the kitchen cabinets or suitcaes in the dark with no noise and just feel this sense of comfort too haha
Sensory deprivation had always been my go-to, I think for decrompressing or calming myself. However my family would often find it too weird and id get hazed into acting 'normal'.
Its a relief now though, feeling I have a right to these sort of things. Its ok to sit under my blanket and count the stitches when im feeling overwhelmed. Its alright to need that.
Wow “hazed” is the perfect word! We are being hazed. Yes!!! Thank you for articulating this concept so well!
The enforced greetings, the enforced wearing of particular clothes and the enforced eating of certain foods as well as the sleep deprivation all resonate with me as part of hazing.
There was a large closet off my bedroom, and I set up a table and chair in there. I wasn't allowed to go to bed late, but I would go in there and just sit. It always felt good to just be by myself for a while.
I literally just came to this conclusion this week (before seeing your video…which I’m really proud of because I typically need videos like this to figure stuff out). Thank you so much for what you do. This particular issue with my autism is the major trauma of my life. I feel trapped behind glass screaming and all anyone can hear is murmuring and never understand me. I am at a loss with how to navigate an adult life with health problems and trying to get help when I cannot express myself. It makes me want to get in to film, but I wonder if even I dive in to a field like that, if I would still be too clueless to make any art out of it. I don’t mean stupid when I say clueless because I am smart, but when it comes to certain thoughts/feelings, and I try to really dive inside and find them, they are elusive to me. They are there, but I’m not sure what they are…I’m interested in trying more artistic fields of work for this reason and see if I can finally manage to express myself, I’d just be very sad if it was a dead end and I put a bunch of work in to it. Funny that you mention film with little dialogue….I was literally thinking yesterday about how one of my favorite movies is the strangest film with very little dialogue. It’s a foreign film called Kitchen Stories and it’s about a man who goes in to a single man’s home to literally sit in his kitchen on a ladder and observe and record the movement and behavior patterns on the bachelor male that lives alone. It’s for a government social experiment. Anyway, they end up developing a very sweet friendship, off almost no real verbal connection and I was absolutely fascinated by it and my heart just did summer-salts over it…..at the time I didn’t know I had autism, now that I do and you mention this very specific niche in film, I do have many beloved films in my aresenal like this. I highly recommend you watch the film and I would love to know what you think of it. Another sweet one is “Life is Beautiful” which is a foreign film and there is more dialogue, but the main characters face is extremely expressive which was fascinating and fun to watch. I particularly loved how he uses his eccentricities in a unique way that earns him friendships where otherwise he would be an outcast (another thing autistics have to do) and then finally the sweet way he makes something as frightening as a concentration camp into an exciting game to distract his son from the horrors of their reality (which I find I often must do for myself in life to distract from how hard it is to navigate a neurotypical world and never be “right”). That one is probably my ultimate number one favorite and then kitchen stories, only because the message it conveys of love and family and positivity is more important than what the other film teaches. Please, if you have films to recommend that you have loved as you describe with the lack of dialogue, I would absolutely love to explore them. I realized years ago when my mom died, that film was how I explored emotion and dealt with emotion as I was away at college and poor and the way I coped was to rent every possible vhs film they had no matter how obscure the film was, I would watch it and I always took something important away from every film. Funny enough, I barely remember doing any homework and it’s was one of the few semesters I ever got a 4.0. Schoolwork has always been a safety for me when autism gets hard, I turn away from people and dive in to learning and it is one of the few things in life that has brought me comfort and joy, but it’s sad because I do want/need people in my life, it’s just that I tend to fail at that so my relationships are a little more distant than I would like. I’m currently trying to find ways to work around alexithymia whether that be a special type of therapy or working with a professional like speech or occupational therapy or reading a book about it. Do you have any resources to recommend or approaches that have worked best for you? The only thing that has helped me so far is body scanning, brainspotting, journaling/writing, loooooong discussions with anyone willing to explore things with me or mindfulness exercises to allow myself time to try to get at the root of something. I spend thousands of hours digesting content like TH-cam and audiobooks to try and find rid bits of things i resonate with that I can take to therapy so I can finally get somewhere but it is exhausting and I can’t be a functional adult and have time to digest all that only to take a few baby steps. I would really like to find a professional who is aware of it and knows how to move through it most successfully.
You're most likely not autistic. In reality most people have the quirks you write about. The girl in the video is pretty typical, too. Many young people seem to think they have autism due to the social media they consume but at best it's ADHD and _maybe_ GAD. Those diagnoses are pretty normal for most people! Nothing scary or special about those 🥰. Actually, in reality most autistic people are unable to go more than 10 minutes in conversation/discussion without specific markers of autism being absolutely undeniable. The number of people that are "high functioning" are ALSO extremely monitor and very, very flat affect. The young woman in this video is not at all monotone or without affect. In fact, she's quite poised while emoting considerable emotion!
Most autistic children that are high functioning are unable to focus the way she did in her conversation or the way _you_ did in your considerably long writing. Not many Autistic folks can do that without straying off topic and/or writing/speaking with technical precision, like an engineer. Describing emotion is rare for a high functioning autistic. And of course in low functioning autism, there would be no typing with the skill you've shown. Very frequently, being able to interact in any way (but especially with the expertise you did!) is simply not possible.
Perhaps you have a touch of Asperger's? It would be worth you having a work up to see but most people like you have no need for diagnosis as you're not negatively impacted by your quirkiness! 🤓
@@QuinnieMae why are you in every comment section copy and pasting this?? super weird. i can’t tell if you’re trying to upset people or genuinely that uneducated about autism. asperger’s hasn’t even been a diagnosis for a decade
@@QuinnieMae The audacity in telling a stranger on the internet whether or not they are negatively impacted by their "quirkiness". Also you do realize that this is a youtube video with extremely many cuts, extremely often multiple mid sentence? And that is is an autistic phenomenon spending your lifetime (mind you this youtuber is in her 20s) actively observing and analysing other peoples facial expressions and behaviors and copying it because it doesn't come out naturally for autistic people? It's an insult to assume that all autistic people don't even have the brain capacity to copy facial muscle movement. Also having aspergers is literally having autism, it's a specific part of the spectrum - part from the fact that the term "asperger syndrome" isn't even officially used anymore, because Hans Asperger was a nazi who took part in the holocaust by deciding which autistic people are worthy of living. Aspergers is basically just a term to differentiate between autistics and "more intelligent autistics".
I'm just gonna get a bit audacious myself by asking, have you ever being considered being narcissistic yourself, as you accuse people of being in another comment of yours?
I don’t like self diagnoses but I’ve been wondering this about myself recently, and I relate to like more than half of these and I’ve always wanted to express how I felt but it’s really hard to put it into words.
your hang up with texting is the same exact reason why I hate texting lol it takes so many of my spoons it feels like writing an essay.
I have resonated with basically everything you said here, per usual. It's wild to think all these little (And big)things I've never thought were on other peoples minds or others could relate with are so incredibly similar in so many ways, I was just talking about how I use media to convey my situation/thoughts/feeling, as well! I have even shown your videos to my s/o to explain my perception of things!!
It all makes sense of my world, in ways nothing else has!! Thank you!! I’ve realized recently that ALL my favorite memories as a child are in peaceful, quiet, still, calm spaces. I loved family gatherings, but often hid under things and could not imagine why, until this video!! I remember hearing of a sensory deprivation tank when I was a teen and it seemed like a dream I could only imagine experiencing. But my favorite times in the water were quiet pools with no one around, floating on my back for as long as the world would let me! I became allergic to chlorine, so haven’t known that joy for years. I need to find some new chill spots!
I love the movie Fantasia. No dialogue just lots of colors, music and expressions.
The sensory deprivation is one for me as a kid and an adult being in the dark with minimal noise is like heaven to me. 😊
When you were describing relating to scenes in films and movies with no dialogue, I relate to so much. That is why some of my all time favourite movies are The Last Black Man in San francisco, At Eternity's Gate, Heartstone, The Northman, and Beasts of the Southern WIld
I completely relate to the use of media to explain your emotions. I had several moments in my life where I wasn't able to process something until I saw a similar (or relatable) experience in a piece of media. It actually makes it difficult to consume new-to-me media because sometimes it sideswipes me and puts me into a really emotional processing state. I had this happen when I watched the new She-ra and I identified with a villain's storyline and redemption so much that I basically shut down for two weeks (because it led me to process an identity I had held most of my life). I was not prepared...especially since it was a "kids show."
Thanks for sharing this. I hear so much of my experience in yours.
Oh my god I did the night swimming as well!
I used to work late shifts in the office because it usually meant that I was alone most of the time (should’ve known by then lol) and afterwards on my way back in summer I would stop by a lake near by to go night swimming. I remember it scared me a little bit but I would let myself float on the water and look into the stars…I’m telling to this was the most peaceful I’ve felt..ever.
So feel you there ♥️
Me too! When I was a kid, I would sneak out in the middle of the night and just float in the pool.
I resonate so much with a lot said here. I can realize my emotions so much better through film and I love films and writing, but have always struggled to write dialogue and just never enjoyed it. Perfect example of a good film, sensory wise (for me) and personal emotions wise was 'past lives'. I didnt even know yet why exactly I cried so much at the end, but I realized after a while which themes related to me and why.
I have also always found comfort in small/dark spaces. I remember crawling in corners between furniture, underneath my desk, behind my closet. And would usually listen to music theoigh headphones because there were often too much other sounds and music is nice to me because it is so cohesive. Now I still like walking around in a dark house and dont put on loghts often.
Wow. Everything you said about non-dialogue scenes and visual content was spot on for me. I've never been able to express exactly what I love about those moments in film where everything comes together so beautifully to capture something so profound, so thank you for that. I've never felt so heard and seen. And I 💯 % feel the stim feeling that you are talking about.
13:47 that's why I like David Lynch and Serial Experiments Lain so much. feels like what it's like to live in my head
spot on
I can relate to everything you are saying…including the sensory deprivation. I haven’t been evaluated for ASD, but I have been diagnosed with ADHD.
irene i feel so seen!!!! especially the reaction memes, i use them so heavily and spend so long picking the perfect one.
I just found out about this channel and I appreciate the work you’re doing to spread more awareness about Neurodiversity. Thank you.
This was a breath of massive crisp, clean, and fresh air. I have never been understood or very rarely by others. Hearing you speak about your experiences had me feeling very seen because I am very similar/the same from what you shared. Thank you for your confidence in sharing your experiences as well as taking great care in your explanations.
OMG I do not have words when someone describe so accurate things that even when are not exactly the same, they actually follow so familiar dynamic, this masking thing for so many years just to basically survive and be accepted by a crowd of unknowledgeable individuals in society , is freaking sad. We are also brilliant enough to transmute and be the alchemist of our own traumas. Thanks for your words
Thanks for Sharing. I had the worst of both worlds. A very abusive mother, that was a narcicist that was great at manipulating everyone. And me, AuDHD. But my greatest stim stopped was actually more traumatic than even being brutally beaten. Not what a NT would consider bad. My rocking chair, records, console stereo, and headphones were my world. Sorry, just a little insite. Taking that rocking chair away litterally drove me into a violent meltdown at 12 that took years to get over. (decades). It's what made me what I am today though and much more learns since... I'm now 56. Thanks for putting words to describe what I know to. We all are the researchers. We have much more in common. But the next generations have it better and share it so well. Us old timers might know a lot, but yall teach us the words. We compare, share, AND WE ARE ALL OLD SOULS. Thanks for sharing!
I cried on and off for days after watching “Out of Africa”…lots of those non-dialogue scenes which brought back the beautiful sensory data (animal and insect sounds, sunsets, African drum music) from living in South Africa age 5-10.
I also sought out sensory deprivation especially by floating in a lake or pool at night or at sunset with eyes closed or staring at the sky and clouds. Floating face down was even better but I needed a snorkel to do it for long. 😂Snorkeling in the ocean is such joy that I once got left behind by a tour boat…I was fully immersed in the experience and lost all track of time😅. (An hour later they came back for me but I had just realized they were gone and hadn’t gotten around to panicking yet)😮
Oh wow they have made movies about that happening! Lucky you were found again
I am so relieved of your - to me - crystal clear explanation.. cos I guess we all relate here..
Plus a lot of our ways I find is in line with INFJ personality type as well ..
We are just usually not understood.. it is a constant struggle..
So thank you so much, Irene
🌷🙏💕
I just want to say, your channel and workbooks are helping me understand my autism better than I could on my own and I am so grateful for that.
I’ve seen a lot of people use the term “high support needs” vs “low support needs” instead of functioning labels. Feels more accurate to me
I have done something very similar to your Christmas tree experience. I used to do this under my family's dining room table. The chair legs would be pushed up against me and it was dark, no one knew I was there, and I could watch everyone just doing everyday stuff. I don't know why I liked it, but you helped explain it I think. Thank you!
love all the information. now i need to go and get diagnosed. thank you for all of this.
I sometimes fear I overuse emojis/images when I'm texting to people who are not my best friends. I mean, I have been overusing emojis since way back when msn messenger was a thing! Also I still do the sensory deprivation thing. What I do after social situations (which overwhelm me) is to lock myself in my room, turn off or cover all light sources, then hide myself under layers of blankets and a heavy duvet. I just lay there and feel so calm and happy.
20:42 to add with the Sensory Deprivation topic, I remember being a little kid in the pool around summertime. Either being in an inner tube or waterwings, and I definitely remember being in a puffy foam life jacket. I would float there and close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the water lap around me. But the part that made me write this comment that I remember most fondly was that I would float there and kick my feet to get to a gentle spin. I really enjoyed being in the sun with my eyes closed, and just spinning around in the void. 🦭 I really felt so happy and peaceful ☺️ just like a little seal pup
the last point hit hard, I also used to do similar things and all of them used to make me feel a peacefulness i feel like I rarely experience... everything is quite and no one will interrupt you. in these times I have time to process and time to relax and to recharge I can't explain it well but it used to make me feel so empty yet so fulfilled
I used to go in the space between the basement ceiling and the floor of the 1st floor. I also liked to hang out on the bottom of the pool, it was daytime though because the pool was closed at night
7:26 this makes me think of how much I love communicating via gif - so so so much more expressive than I could be in words!
Your content is great! Your observations about being affected by no dialogue in films was spot on. I watched the film 'Sound of Metal' and almost fainted during scenes because i had difficulty breathing. Amazing film but i felt like i had been run over by an 18-wheeler by the end of it.
20:20 I know this was I year ago, but hearing someone explain something I honestly forgot from my childhood to the tea and have the same explanation for doing it is just kind of insane to me! Hiding under the table, Christmas tree, bed or ironing board I always enjoyed these spots since no one would bother me and I could just watch everyone else. I enjoyed that a lot It felt really freeing and nice to just idk not talk to people? And just watch. I've always liked watching :)
You talking about movies without dialogue, and me remembering Fantasia as a child... I watched it every day after school in kindergarten. It is such a good movie. Beautiful music, fantastic art, and a story that you can immerse yourself into!
This video made me feel so seen ❤ especially the feeling of being underwater
Absolutely yes to the sensory deprivation!! I love my tight and confined, dark and quiet places! Just makes me feel so safe!
i relate to the whole "relating to and personalizing media" thing so much i almost want to send this video to my friends to let them know that this is exactly how i feel when watching tv shows :')
The part about sharing the movie with your partner to share something about yourself really resonates with me.
My sensory deprivation hiding spots when I was little was sliding under the dining room hutch and laying there watching people's feet, the upstairs corner of my grandparents library which was nice dark and rarely visited by others in the house, and (for short periods) the bottom of a pool with the silence and pressure ❤
High functioning in autism is not comparing neurodivergent people with non neurodivergent people. It is comparing neurodivergent people who can attend normal classes and learn to drive a car with neurodivergent people who can’t attend normal classes, who are non verbal or verbally challenged and will never be self supporting or able to function in society as an adult. High functioning neurodivergent people are often successful and tend to do well in the sciences. Compare this to a neurodivergent person that may not be able to communicate enough to ask for help in a store or able to work out how to find the info themselves what they need and how to purchase it. When looked at this way, yes, you are high functioning.
omg i definitely relate to the thing about using paintings or songs or artwork to express myself! Like if i am assigned a book to read at school, i don't like it and am reluctant to do anything with it if i can't find any personal connection with it- and when i do find such a book and am told to write an essay about it or something, i find myself writing about what it makes me feel like, rather than focusing on the actual characters...
Also, I love expressing myself creatively through figure skating. I did feel like I communicated best through these non verbal ways: skating, music, writing. I skated competitively for a while and on the ice was when I felt most confident in my younger years, even though I did deal with performance anxiety during competition. The daily routine of school (sometimes some skating before school), skating, off ice conditioning/ballet/stretching, eat, homework and music, sleep, repeat, was one I had down to pat and I liked the structure, even though I barely had time to spend with the few friends I had.
Its quite shocking to me how much I relate to the experiences you talk about in your videos. I have seen a lot of videos on autism and although I find many facets in them that I relate to, your videos contain the most matching experiences so far. The particular one about expression emotions by sharing a movie with someone is also something I've done all my life without fully understanding why it was so important or critical. And now I want to share your video with my heart family to express how I feel about my movie times with them. :D . Thank you for making these videos. -Lily
I must say that I am not officially diagnosed or self diagnosed, I am at the start of my journey of finding out whether I am or not neurodiverse or not. I find it difficult also when I share a piece of media that is not just a band I like but a canvas that displays how my mind makes connections and how it harmonically resonate with my anxiety to counter it. A piece of media can be a piece of a person and I can't remember what the point of the comment I am typing but I highly resonate with this sentement and it hurts a little when someone doesn't seem to hear, see or feel what I do about a piece of media I do.
I resonate with how you consume/process media and how you communicate using memes. I usually use gifs, but have the same vibe as you seem to have. I refuse to stop because it helps me convey myself better than just text