You CAN'T HAVE ANY RELATIONSHIP with anyone: understanding the importance of selection
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2024
- Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
This one took me a long time to figure out. You can't have any relationship with anyone. Or, to put it another way, you can't necessarily have the relationship you would like to have with the person you happen to be attracted to. You can only have certain types of relationships with certain types of people. Trying to fit the person to whom you are attracted into the relationship format you prefer is the path of pain. A better idea is to try to fit the relationship to the person. I talk more about how to do this in this episode.
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#dating #relationship #attraction
Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
This one took me a long time to figure out. You can't have any relationship with anyone. Or, to put it another way, you can't necessarily have the relationship you would like to have with the person you happen to be attracted to. You can only have certain types of relationships with certain types of people. Trying to fit the person to whom you are attracted into the relationship format you prefer is the path of pain. A better idea is to try to fit the relationship to the person. I talk more about how to do this in this episode.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#dating #relationship #attraction
I got no idea what "works" for me.
I know what I want - but I've never encountered even that, I just always dealt with relationships I managed to achieve and most of them ended with drama.
So my 2 questions are: how to know what relationship will work for me, If I never found anything of the sort. And how do I know that what I want and what will work are different, since I didn't have either?
@@trueomen5017 who cares what you want while you still have unfulfilled needs? Learn the difference between your wants and needs, and focus on the needs first.
Know yourself, then find someone who speaks your language so you don't have to spend a lifetime translating your soul.
I think men in general needs to MORE SELECTIVE when they persue women. For example, feminists, western , liberal women are NOT fit for any type of relationships with men, regardless if they are really beautiful or not. 60 percent of the men who marry these type of women go down the divorce courts. Men do need to be more selective. Smart men , marry foreign women, foreign women are humble, maintenance free like Honda cars, and a lot family oriented. Do yourself a big favor men, be with foreign women. ...Western women on the other hand is alot more selective when looking for men. That is smart. And they are very good at taking your money away from you men.!! I work for the county and western women go through 3 divorces in their life times, and they pocket all the money and assets they get from divorces. Marriages are a big businesses for western women. Make sure you men don't become their next victims!!
Hopes and prayers are always nice.
Yes, yess, yesss... such a relief when you do !! I love that expression. It's so illuminating... like a breath of fresh air for the soul :))
Wow. That was deep
Omg so true ... please be able to pick up the conversation
"Attraction distorts perception" is a great quote.
Yeah
And that applies to more than just relationships!
Better than ‘love is blind’?
With the clarification that by attraction is meant "physical attraction."
Otherwise, holistic attraction is a completely different animal - physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. The PIES. That doesn't distort anything. On the contrary - it's the Universe giving you the green light.
The biggest liar in a relationship that I ever met was myself! I allowed myself to get emotionally involved and lied to myself like a desperate politician.
So true! Being overly needy destroyed my ability to discern & make wise choices.
Calm down
Same here lol
Opening yourself up far too early puts you at risk of being taken advantage of. This is why people who find themselves caught up in abusive relationships often let their feelings get in the way of their judgement. My deepest concern is for those who are disadvantaged that are desperately searching for relationships. Never rely solely on romantic relationships for your own personal well-being.
nice pfp
It also makes you boring.
This is so true. I had a five year tumultuous relationship with a girl I was not compatible with. Even though I knew something was "off", I lied to myself in saying we could work it out. Mind you, she wasn't a bad girl. She had a lot of good qualities about her -- we were just not compatible. We were too alike. We were great friends, but as a couple we had many ups and downs. The rollercoaster of emotions was tough enough to deal with, but the fact that I was in love made it much worse.
This cost me time healing, money spent on therapy and many heartaches due to not being able to step away from my emotions to realize this very early on. The good thing is that now I am very aware and very calculating in that regard. Attraction is great, but as I've gotten older peace of mind trumps it.
This man speaks with great wisdom. I have had more then several relationships that failed miserably. I was trying to fit the person to the relationship. The women I failed with would constantly say that I was to 'wooden', or stiff like a board in the relationship. After years of searching and learning about myself, I found a relationship best suited to my personality.
I found her in a furniture store. She was stained a dark walnut brown, with carved trim and a broad flat surface, four thick legs, and could hold my laptop, a desk lamp, and several books. Best decision I ever made.
Her name is Maple.
WOW. Mind Blown. I wish I had heard this decades ago. (I'm 45.) The key thing for me was -- yes, I bought into the idea that "Relationships take work," and "If I had just put in more effort to meet the other person, ..." Just knowing this idea is like a huge load off of my shoulders.
Experienced divorce attorney here. I wish everyone could understand the concept in this video BEFORE getting married. Develop your discernment. Take your time. Be honest with yourself. Don’t be foolish.
This was the advice/video I needed 10 years ago. Now 2 kids later and on the verge of trying to find a place to live. Been deconstructing my self and relationships with society for the past couple years now. Understanding more but still a long road ahead. I will definitely make sure both of my kids understand these principles of life, so they don’t end up in the wrong type of relationship.
Such a great video. I was gaslighted into believing i could make it work with my ex, while she repeatedly lied to me and sex started me and was all around just horribly disrespectful. “You guys need to communicate better” “you guys need a therapist”. No we just never should have ended up together.
I believed this in my 20's, but I learned otherwise. This is the reason I had to decide what my non-negotiatiables would be in order to protect myself. Our culture is all about going to bars and clubs, partying and hooking up and I stayed as far away as possible from people with that lifestyle. I focused on my career and working through things that I went through growing up.
So, what's the result are you still looking for a life partner or not?
Beware of chameleons who will trap you using pregnancy
This kind sir is one of the most rational and objective person I've seen in my whole life.
Hey there. I am a 30 years old male in therapy, and one of my main topics is how to build good and lasting romantic relationships. Your videos hit the nail on what I am currently educating myself about. I also love your delivery and the visual style of your materials (thumbnails, etc.). Thanks for your work.
Yep. Thanks doctor. I'm old so I realized this too.
Lots of women like me and I like them but I live kind of differently so a lot of them can't fit into my lifestyle for a relationship and I'm not changing what I got and I won't be fighting a woman for it.
Excellent points. I'd also add that some of the cause for this belief system is that more often than not, people think they are the exceptions to the rule. The belief in being special can blur objective self assessment and also in assessing others. ie. " they've cheated on others, but I don't think they'd cheat on me" or, " they're not responding to my messages because they're shy, busy, playing hard to get" In essence, when you see yourself as special you tend to believe others, if not seeing it at the moment, will in time. It blunts reality and creates optimism with no foundation.
I will listen to this every day. What a blessing you are - wishing this channel a million followers
O'Ryan is so unassuming, clean cut and academic that he's able to dispense hard red pill truths without putting people off or drawing their ire. Very impressive.
Who's O'Ryan?
@@fiarobamo he means Orion
@@wincelet Tha thu gu math spaideil.
He is amazing, indeed.
This one hit way to close to home, thanks Doc. I wish I knew this shit in my twenties.
how uncanny you release this video the day after i had a hard conversation with a woman who is ENM. i got emotionally attached way too soon (because i adored her), before i had even fully understood what she's looking for in a partner, and now i am a wreck.
but the good thing is that, from that conversation, i learned more about what I'm looking for and what works for me in a relationship, so i will be better equipped to discern properly in the future.
Yes- Life is a LEARNING EXPERIENCE... We get BETTER at it WITH PRACTICE.. 😊 StayWell 👍 -70SomethingGuy
I think men in general needs to MORE SELECTIVE when they persue women. For example, feminists, western , liberal women are NOT fit for any type of relationships with men, regardless if they are really beautiful or not. 60 percent of the men who marry these type of women go down the divorce courts. Men do need to be more selective. Smart men , marry foreign women, foreign women are humble, maintenance free like Honda cars, and a lot family oriented. Do yourself a big favor men, be with foreign women. ...Western women on the other hand is alot more selective when looking for men. That is smart. And they are very good at taking your money away from you men.!! I work for the county and western women go through 3 divorces in their life times, and they pocket all the money and assets they get from divorces. Marriages are a big businesses for western women. Make sure you men don't become their next victims!!
Enm? Can you fill me in so I understand?
@@beezowdoodoozoppitybopbopb9488 "ethically non monogamous". Polygamous / polyamory. They are clogging up the dating apps and I gave up on apps.
This came just in the right moment of my life. You gave me a great answer to a problem I've been having for a long time now. Thank you and blessings!! 🖤🙂
Thanks, for all the content so far, keep up the good work, it is helping.
Excellent!!
Have a blessed one Orion
This type or "hard love" with ones own self when on the lookout for a potential partner is so hard to pull off but so helpful. I'm practicing it myself and it's certainly no picknick, but it is so worthwhile. The practice of letting someone go who doesn't love you in the way you want to be loved or cutting ties with someone you love but isn't good for you or has different priorities is a skill that one needs to practie. It ain't easy and few do it, but the results are totally worth it. You become a master at relationships and people start seeking out your presence because you become way more cooler when some sort of mating scenario is going on.
Orion Taraban nails it in this video. Very good advice.
Amen. Lesson learned the hard way. When people show you who they are, believe them. Our exes are our best teachers. Know thyself, calm down, carry on.
Dr Taraban,
I've been watching your videos for a while and this is by far the most densely nutritious video I've enjoyed from you! Thank you so much! :-) you could make 3 or 4 miniseries off of this one video. The notion of chasing the Euphoria of a new relationship, which maybe is the point for some of us if we look deep in our honest? What is one really seeking, a thrill? A long term and mutually beneficial one? Hot and spicy (but can that last? )?
And, the whole notion of how our intent that we have in the beginning colors everything we see and aim at, and receive in our lives. I hope you expand into these topics and future videos or longer serieses that address these topics in Greater detail.
Thank you for your intelligent, cogent, insightful and very very helpful education. Also thanks for keeping it real!
You are legendary for these videos, nee subscriber, but I’m forever tuning in!
"Trying to fit the person to whom you are attracted into the relationship format you prefer is the path of pain..."True WORDS Of WISDOM 😊 👍
-70SomethingGuy
Man I needed this 1 year ago....
Thanks doc Very good and clearly said 👍 👏 our society's definitely need to know this
I've been waiting to hear this forever! Yes, we found every word to be true. This is perfection.
And while we're at it, will people please quit parroting tropes? Like "relationships take hard work" ? Marriage is "hard work?" No, make it toil! Sisyphus. It's all about communication and compromise? Love is a choice?
It will be a better world when people quit bleating misleading cliches that can cost people decades of their life and instead turn the focus on the selection process, as described here.
Very much, this goes for people at work, and family members too. The hard part is knowing what you want to fit into your life and then realizing the morals and relationship existed in a different era when life was slower and relationships weren't treated like hierarchical commodities
SPOT ON! Self awareness being key.
Subscribed, like and commenting for engagement. Awesome channel. Great job covering these topics and keeping the videos digestible.
This video is excellent kids!!! Agree, agree, agree!!!
I was actually thinking that I could make it work with anyone with effort put into the relationship and good communication.
It can, but only if the partner shares those same values and that same mindset. It's pretty rare to find someone that applies that mindset by principle no matter what.
I believe that's why the doctor said that we should basically be careful not to project our fantasy of a relationship on someone and instead, just see them as they are.
That was my plan too for real...boy am I lonely
I think men in general needs to MORE SELECTIVE when they persue women. For example, feminists, western , liberal women are NOT fit for any type of relationships with men, regardless if they are really beautiful or not. 60 percent of the men who marry these type of women go down the divorce courts. Men do need to be more selective. Smart men , marry foreign women, foreign women are humble, maintenance free like Honda cars, and a lot family oriented. Do yourself a big favor men, be with foreign women. ...Western women on the other hand is alot more selective when looking for men. That is smart. And they are very good at taking your money away from you men.!! I work for the county and western women go through 3 divorces in their life times, and they pocket all the money and assets they get from divorces. Marriages are a big businesses for western women. Make sure you men don't become their next victims!!
I believed the same. The problem is others aren't givers, but are takers so it doesn't work, hence discernment so you avoid those with daddy issues, narcissists, etc... The bible is your friend. It'll give you great insight.
I still believe that's true. People will underrate effort especially post marriage. Ask anyone who is married, they will tell you a lot about the word effort. It becomes a foreign word post marriage 😆 🤣.
This was awesome, I have never thought about it this way,this explains so well its like a wallop from the baseball bat of reality.Thanks Doc
This applies to all relationships not just romantic. Good advice.
Profound stuff. Not only romantically but more so with family and friends.
Thank you very much Sir. I had been thinking of compatibility and values in relationships. Now it makes more sense to have relationship with someone which works for you.
what this describes, is probably the most difficult thing to accomplish in life, especially since we change as we get older. this takes INTENSE self-awareness to pull-off, so much self-awareness that you cant really pay any attention to how it is affecting the other person. this is a slippery slope. if you go down this road, you will not end up in a relationship that is stable enough to create and support a family. this road will lead to a lifetime of temporary relationships with no stability.
Wow so accurate. Thank you for explaining
Stumbled into this channel....good stuff.👍
I agree with all you're saying! SMART! I moved to LA to start my entertainment empire & I'm working on it now! I have a BIG income goal for this year and by the end of the year, I will have met that goal. I also plan to start accepting dates at that time. can you do more episodes on this? Like, explain how to date someone for 6 months without getting emotionally involved? stuff like that...this is great info! KNOWING YOURSELF IS KEY TO LIFE AND relationships!!! YOU'RE THE BEST, DR ORION!!
Thank you, very helpful. Understand🤙🏾
This is a key insight, one that I learned too late. However, tailoring a relationship to the needs or preferences of another is the same as negotiating away your own identity. Testing is a good idea, but with flight not comprise as the likely upshot.
Strong video my guy
You are such a Word Crafter. I'm sure you've been told this before. you are best I've ever heard.... I really enjoy listening to you as you craft and weave your sentences using the exact word to convey your thoughts. Must be very frustating for the woman you are involved with as they are shredded to bits with your raiser sharp diction
This man is the best proof, that it's not the education, that makes you smart, but instead a snartly chosen and applied education pays out even more, when you're smart.
You can tell he didn't swallow all the ideas that further a blue pill mindset in university psychology.
I don't usually agree with many things shrinks say. But he is one that has taken the red pill, refined it and made it deep yet simple and cohesive, therefore digestible for anyone who genuinely wants solutions to the problems we face in a world that encourages delusional thinking especially in heterosexual relationships.
I've always understood this and feel this applies to really any kind of relationship. There are friends that are just surface level friends, and then you have friends that are ride or die. The key is to have decrement, that person you're interested in will show themselves through behavior etc, exactly what kind of relationship you can have with them. Once you're shown you have to accept it and be thankful. The problem is to many women are shown and still pursue the relationship based on what they want and then wonder why they had to suffer, and things did not work out.
so true... nicely said.
How the heck do you date for 6 months without getting emotionally involved?
This is my question. Im wondering if this can be cut down to maybe 3 months if you are very aware of what your looking for and emotionally intelligent enough to read others. Very interesting topic.
Date more than one person and don’t incorporate them in your day to day life. That’s an earned privilege after the 6 month evaluation.
You can do it without dating multiple people. You just need to remember that you and your priorities come first. Always.
@@sandlerfrancois666 Does that mean I shouldn't date someone who I already see on a day to day basis?
@@sandlerfrancois666 Also, I'm curious how emotionally uninvolved you have to be. I deal with complex PTSD and honestly I don't see how I can have a meaningful conversation about my life without sharing my personal situation to some degree. Especially if I'm getting involved with somebody, my life wouldn't make any sense to them unless I shared to some degree. No emotionally involvement seems extremely strict, what do you talk about?
@@TrustInTheUniverse I agree with your point, Trusty. _"Emotionally uninvolved"_ includes lack of empathy too, so I consider _"emotionally uninvolved"_ as psychopath's territory. Better said, it should be emotional independence, with some low-key honest-openness, low-key exposure / sharing the realities of people's emotional context, not for manipulation, and not for melodrama. *Low-key, non-manipulative honest-openness* is better than outright cold callous "emotional uninvolvement".
He's good. Clean clear conveyance.
this is a good one - thanks
It’s spectacular how people don’t really know themselves
Now this is a very good video.
You're very intelligent man no doubt about it
Yes! That is so true. That's why I recommend dating. Also, I don't people please and I don't avoid conflict. I do avoid nonsense and I don't allow people to waste my time.
Sometimes it takes learning the hard way especially when you’re prone to getting emotionally attached quickly. But when you get it, you have much better outcomes.
This fit me pretty well and assures me I was right in my gut feeling. Have heard you should always trust your gut.
Wish I had known that long ago.
Good advice.
Thanks Dr.
You're such a blessing
Excellent break break down of reality.
I love your content.
Yep, sad but true and applies (negatively) to the relationship I have just started. Thank you
It's true from my own experience. I once also thought I can have a good relationship with anyone, as long as we put in the work. Well, reality hit twice or three times, till I questioned further and realized this wrong belief and now trying to shift & find traits for compatibility & peace in a relationship. Thank you!!!
It's difficult to treat someone you're attracted to, the same as someone you meet on an every day basis. You're probably forming the same positive, neutral and negative views about them, and your future with them, but allowing more leeway on the negative aspects, although you're still getting them. At some stage you're going to have to admit when the negative outweighs the positive, and realise the leeway has to stop, and end the attraction bonus.
This changed the game for me as well.
You're rite,,,after several train wrecks ,it pays to approach it differently,,,the saying goes,,,do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always got,,,cheers
God- thanks for this! Empath here that picks up on others vibrations without trying & did the school of hard knocks with personal relationships. The hardest are the mood-swing types that you give space to and then you hear "What's up with you?" the next time they decide to open up(putting non communication issues on you). It makes sense to tailor the response to the person for sure. Needed this- better late than never!
Empath is a disorder from a traumatic childhood. It comes from the same chaos narcissist come from. I hope the best for you.
tbh i kinda went thru this like 6 months ago or so. it's funny because i actually saw the red flags in the person but i chose to ignore and i paid the price. that was kinda heavy on me and realizing how foolish i was seeing if i could give this person benefit of the doubt. funny how you can ignore the red flags and continue even deep down you know you shouldn't do that.
I have found this to be true. (A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.) I was married for 35 years and my wife left one day with no discussion at all when we were age 60. While going steady and being engaged it was just great! When she asked me to marry her I thought , I have for sure found "The One." Please talk about "The Walk Away Wife Syndrome."
She asked _you_ to marry? That was your job.
Generally, a husband will say they were blindsided by their wife announcing she wants a divorce. The wife will say she tried to tell her husband for YEARS that there were problems. Her pleas were not taken seriously, or he promised to deal with the problems and never did. The wife is disappointed again and again.
Most women will make repeated attempts to fix the marriage. If nothing ever changes, she sees the handwriting on the wall. The husband's disinterest is all the information she needs. At that point, women reject the "sunk cost fallacy". They'd rather not spend the rest of their lives being miserable. This is WHY women initiate most divorces.
There are exceptions and sometimes the roles are reversed, but what I explained is the most common scenario.
@@lorrilewis2178 So the woman is the victim and does not fulfill her helpmate promise to God , man and her friends. She disregards her promise to never forsake her husband until death parts them. Now marriage for all is over. Trust is over. Vows and oaths are over. The divine order of life for 5,000 years is over. Now we will live apart. As long as the woman leads, there is no marriage. This is ok, now that men know this.
@@edheldude We never seen asking to be married as a job. Back in the 70's we just didn't think like that. Now that you bring it up and she left the covenant that she wanted, I should have said no. In fact, I encourage all men to say no to marriage. When I said yes, I meant it and lived it. I was wrong. Don't do what I did.
@@orangeandslinky The fact that your answer focuses on vows rather than issues in the marriage is concerning.
So I will ask . . . did your wife ever tell you there were issues in the marriage that bothered her?
Very wisely said.
This works well with lessons about healthy boundaries in or out of relationships too.
Yes being carried away by fun and passion is wonderful and a great part of a relationship. But it’s a dead-end and only superficial without mutual understanding of compatibility and same-page ‘terms and conditions’ if you will.
Men especially feel obliged and safer to stoke the romantic fantasies for women: “girls just wanta have fun..” I find most women have a fragile threshold to facing a serious conversation - which might entail having to look at themselves and their behaviours - it’s tied to a lack of accountability/maturity and past trauma.
Interestingly enough many women, while adverse to a serious look at confronting reality which could jepodize the existing relationship have no trouble spitting spite and negativity to their guy which one would think would immediately collapse the relationship. I guess because beta male put up with the whole affair the woman shows her constant disrespect.
Men can do the same to submissive women under their spell, can be violent too.
The business aspect of a relationship is paramount but it’s clinical and “not sexy” as you say, yet if it’s executed and successful, because it’s bound in honesty and disclosure, it truly must deepen intimacy, vulnerability, trust and love.
Unless one party is simply using the other, both parties really have nothing to lose and everything to gain, either way deciding to break up or take love to a higher level.
I know this was geared toward romantic relationships, but this certainly applies to platonic relationships as well. Don't go into a new friendship with the expectation or goal that the other person will eventually become a close friend just because they have qualities X, Y, or Z. You only see the best side of the other person early on (and likely gloss over any negatives because you really like that person) and often times at that point you still don't even know what that person is looking for in a friendship.
_"Emotionally-uninvolved"_ includes lack of empathy too, so I consider _"emotionally-uninvolved"_ as sociopath/psychopath's territory. Better said, it should be *"emotional independence,* with some *low-key-honest-openness,* low-key exposure / sharing the realities of people's emotional context in interactions, not for manipulation, and not for melodrama. *Low-key, non-manipulative honest-openness* is better than outright cold callous _"emotional-uninvolvement."_ Why/who would want to continue to date with someone who is emotionally-uninvolved anyways?⁉
very useful insight
Agree 100% from experience. I went to the University of Hard Knocks.
Yeah, I seriously thought like that when I was younger. If I can just be like this or that then I could be with her or her. I want to wish I've seen this when I was younger but to be honest, I wouldn't have listened. Now, I can only hope that anyone who's still young and new to this concept at least try to give this a chance.
This video was created too late for me, but I'm happy it's out in the world now.
"People want things that are not good for them every single day of the year" - that is so true 😄
5:16: "It's way more fun to just get carried away and let passion take over. 🤣🤣🤣But I've discovered that that's an invitation to chaos and misery, further down the road."
I have found this to be absolutely true. It is the only way to have a good relationship.
Well said.
Very interesting subject. 6 months sounds like a long time. Anyway around this? What advice would you give someone who feels the need/desire to get emotionally involved sooner? Would love to hear more detail on this or even a group discussion/podcast on this subject
This is absolutely true
dam excellent advice!..............
Thank God for godly wisdom.
also wise to have known or exclusively dated your partner for at least 5 years minimum. before considering living together, marriage or children together. give you both time to really understand your partner before setting long term plans in motion.
2 sons here - both good looking, tall, solid guys, both have had several pretty long-term girlfriends. Both now in their mid twenties. A procession of absolute nutters without exception despite initial appearances to the contrary. If either of them came in and said they were gay - some hope - it would be a relief at this stage.
I initially thought maybe I just lucked-out finding my wife who is chilled AF & they had made bad choices - Nope. It's just the current crop. You can't make a Delia Smith out of "I'm on 3 types of mood stabilisers & my therapist says I am bi-polar but I don't take the meds on weekends as I like to relax fri-sun..." - Translation "Without Meds, I am madder than the Mad hatter & You. Pal - you're gonna get it!!" ...
I wish the current generation of men Good Luck. Chances are they will need it...
It’s taken me years to finally know who I am and have better judgement of potential partners
Thanks!
Think with upstairs, not just downstairs. You don't get what you want. You get what you need.
Good video
Thank you.
so good! also i appreciate not being asked to like and subscribe at the beginning! I liked on my own!(;
I wish I knew this truth when I was young.
this should be common knowledge.... the same principle applies to everything, You don't have time for everything, you can't eat everything, you can't go everywhere etc etc... limits (with their adjacent constraints) are everywhere and we are best served acknowledging and staying within those limits
The number one thing that defines a relationship is shared experience. Some people may be more naturally inclined to have a relationship with you than others, but shared experience can be enough to get two otherwise incompatible people to become close friends. Admittedly, it might be very difficult to get these two people that involved with one another in the first place, but if it does happen it will lead to a strong relationship.
Some research has shown that a shared somewhat risky experience can lead to strong male-female bonding. Did you two take a late-nite walk beyond the "Do Not Enter Beyond This Point" sign? Have you crossed that shaky looking bridge over the pond, and was she a little shaken up and took your arm? You get the idea.
Boys should be told this because I know we all seen the movie where the nerd gets the girl the real world dosent work like that you can't force someone to like you