I have learnt more from this podcast than any other and I have listened to many. Please keep up the good work and many thanks for all the information you have supplied to those of us who are still suffering, you have given us hope.
Oh, and here is a video from the week before that you might be interested in, all about compassion focused approaches to working with grief (just in case you’re interested :) ). Compassion-based approaches to working with grief | Darcy Harris th-cam.com/video/oH2OwHLZ2Us/w-d-xo.html
4:27 Noticed that my childhood CPTSD "reparenting" practice of self compassion has quieted my toxic shame that has plagued my life for several decades!
It's so great to see Dr. Germer. I still listen to his compassion meditations almost daily. Thank you for this video. PS. Dr, please get back to posting on your TH-cam page lol.
Duality.. my mom was textbook. I recall her taking in at least 4 ppl. She was open, friendly, fed them, provided shelter for as long as was needed. But she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. Got better b4 she passed but I’m still baffled- today angry that she openly met others’ needs but was cruel to me most of her life. How do I accept me, recv acceptance from others when my mother overtly repeatedly rejected me?
Hi, and thank you for your heartfelt comment. So often we learn to self-soothe from have been soothed by others growing up. And when that is missing or the opposite occurs, it is very difficult. I think that was what Chris Germer was referring to when he said we all have a very innocent wish to be loved. Having said that, there is definitely something to be hopeful about (I really appreciate your TH-cam name!). Self-compassion can be learned, practiced and eventually embodied. You may wish to check out Chris’s website or book, or the work of Kristin Neff. There are some great talks online from Kristin about mindful self-compassion. I wish you well and feel confident that you can get there. It might be hard work, but it is definitely possible. Thanks again for watching and commenting. S.
@@drstansteindl Thank you for responding, I am grateful for finding this self-compassion concept and will look at the resources you mentioned. After all, I am hopeful. Thank you again!
Thanks for watching! And given the work you do, check out the video from the week before Dr Germer, an interview with Darcy Harris who does a lot in the field of compassion based approaches to working with grief. Compassion-based approaches to working with grief, with Darcy Harris th-cam.com/video/oH2OwHLZ2Us/w-d-xo.html
Thank you. This is very interesting to consider the aspect of classical conditioning. The learned association between panic and self-compassion. One would assume the same connection could be made between anger and self-compassion. I'm thinking of Thich Nhat Hanh: "Hello, my little friend anger. I know you well. I will take care of you."
Been practicing a few days. The phrase "i wish to be loved" the most touching for me; emotionally honest, soothing, subtly energizing, peaceful, in a bubble of calmness. Why? A tender child "wishes", it's his/her "innocent" need and request to the Love Nucleus of the Universal---where it came from. 2) It's an active state, "to be", not a repeated grievance, past, i.e. "wish i WAS loved". 3) non-specific, no limits how it appears... gorgeous sunset, stranger's smile, call from a friend, a deep connection inside, heart and toes tingling (aura expansion). 4) easily morphs into "i wish To Be love". Now touching the "I am" souce of me inside, ie, "i am Love" becomes the dominate experience of self/Self and world. (Until you allow a distraction to de-rail this beauty-truth for a moment.) Mind-watching with self-compassion will bring you back to that "state of being" you naturally enjoy and want more than all else, and initiate all actions from in the world. Eventually (i hope), such becomes our tangible, expansive beingness Itself, beyond all events, hi and low, big or small, all constrasts or evaluations of the judging (critical) mind. Peace to all in need.
Very good talk. Personnally i think that shame is always internal. It start from your inside and then you project it in the eyes of other ( like paranoïa ) and it comes back to you. . You could be shame by somebody else but it's not gonna stick very much if you don't have it inside you. I think....
You make a really great point. Both external shame and internal shame are coming from inside. External shame is our perception that others see as as no good, and internal shame is that we see ourselves as no good...but both arise from our own perceptions. You can absolutely be shamed by someone else, but this may or may not stick, as you say. It is tougher when we are shamed as children, because the shame experience gets formed within us as shame memories, that can be quite traumatic and also become central to how we see ourselves, or our self-identity. Being shamed by others is also tough as adults, although it can depend a bit on the self-identity that we have already established. Thanks so much for watching and offering your thoughts!
@@ChanceBerryman great question. And sorry for my delay. I wanted to find a moment to work out the time stamps and add it to the description. Dr Germer refers specifically to the topic in the title at the 45.54 minute mark, but we had been discussing shame from about the 39 minute mark. Hope that helps!
I'm curious about the process of using MSC to work with pre-verbal shame. If babies are neglected emotionally when very young, then they can get stuck in "Freeze", since they don't have access to "Fight" or "Flight". And if that "Freeze" becomes the foundation of their relational experience, then Shame, becomes the baseline for all conscious experience. Which sucks. How to work with such deep rooted shame?
Yes, this is a very insightful question. And sadly very relevant. I think Chris might say that, it's not so much that we are able to rid ourselves of such deeply rooted shame, but that we start to relate to ourselves differently, compassionately, when those feelings arise. Thank you for such a thought-provoking comment.
Such a great question, and exploring the differences between Duality and Nonduality is profound. I’m not sure I understand all of it. But from my basic understanding, ‘Duality’ refers to the belief in a fundamental separation between things-mind and body, individual and environment, or physical and spiritual. This perspective, common in Western philosophy and Abrahamic religions, sees these elements as distinct and independent. In contrast, Buddhism embraces ‘Nonduality’, recognising that while the physical and mental aspects of life are different, they are inseparable. This ‘interconnectedness’ is essential to understanding life as a unified whole. Nonduality challenges the idea of separation, promoting a view where distinctions like life and death, or interior and exterior, are parts of a single, interdependent existence. I hope that helps!
Sadly very true. It's insane how society (and sometimes even family) traumatizes and re-traumatizes people. Members of the transgender community are certainly victims of this. I think there is self-compassion in even recognizing this.
Yes, feeling shamed can be a difficult block to self-compassion. Especially when the shame is so ostracizing. As Dr Germer says in this video, we all just want to belong, feel connected, and be loved. He describes this as an "innocent wish". Offering ourselves validation of the struggle we face is often the first step in self-compassion. Assuring ourselves that our feelings are real, make sense, and are completely reasonable given the situation we are in. It's a kind of self-empathy and self-validation. Sometimes we can find others who are understanding and supportive, and love us just the way we are. And sometimes we can practice self-compassion strategies designed to help us cultivate a feeling of safeness and security within ourselves, although that can take some time for sure. Dr Germer has some powerful practices on his website. Sending compassionate wishes.
That's a really great insight. Recognising our suffering and the sources of suffering is definitely an act of self-compassion in and of itself. Thanks for your thoughts!
I have learnt more from this podcast than any other and I have listened to many. Please keep up the good work and many thanks for all the information you have supplied to those of us who are still suffering, you have given us hope.
Grief is love with no where to go.
@@nettie4408 yes, wonderful point. Grief is tough, and self-compassion can play a role there too. Thank you!
Oh, and here is a video from the week before that you might be interested in, all about compassion focused approaches to working with grief (just in case you’re interested :) ). Compassion-based approaches to working with grief | Darcy Harris
th-cam.com/video/oH2OwHLZ2Us/w-d-xo.html
4:27 Noticed that my childhood CPTSD "reparenting" practice of self compassion has quieted my toxic shame that has plagued my life for several decades!
Oh! That sounds wonderful. It really can be very powerful. Thank you for sharing. 🙏
A really beautiful and uplifting interview Stan. Thank you 🙏
Thank you, Sara! It was such a joy to get to chat with Chris.
It's so great to see Dr. Germer. I still listen to his compassion meditations almost daily.
Thank you for this video.
PS. Dr, please get back to posting on your TH-cam page lol.
Duality.. my mom was textbook. I recall her taking in at least 4 ppl. She was open, friendly, fed them, provided shelter for as long as was needed. But she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. Got better b4 she passed but I’m still baffled- today angry that she openly met others’ needs but was cruel to me most of her life.
How do I accept me, recv acceptance from others when my mother overtly repeatedly rejected me?
Hi, and thank you for your heartfelt comment. So often we learn to self-soothe from have been soothed by others growing up. And when that is missing or the opposite occurs, it is very difficult. I think that was what Chris Germer was referring to when he said we all have a very innocent wish to be loved. Having said that, there is definitely something to be hopeful about (I really appreciate your TH-cam name!). Self-compassion can be learned, practiced and eventually embodied. You may wish to check out Chris’s website or book, or the work of Kristin Neff. There are some great talks online from Kristin about mindful self-compassion. I wish you well and feel confident that you can get there. It might be hard work, but it is definitely possible. Thanks again for watching and commenting. S.
@@drstansteindl Thank you for responding, I am grateful for finding this self-compassion concept and will look at the resources you mentioned. After all, I am hopeful. Thank you again!
It's not anxiety, it is shame ----- So true....
Thank you for sharing your insights. I’m a guide in the field of grief and loss. So interesting that connection with shame.
Thanks for watching! And given the work you do, check out the video from the week before Dr Germer, an interview with Darcy Harris who does a lot in the field of compassion based approaches to working with grief.
Compassion-based approaches to working with grief, with Darcy Harris
th-cam.com/video/oH2OwHLZ2Us/w-d-xo.html
Thank you. This is very interesting to consider the aspect of classical conditioning. The learned association between panic and self-compassion. One would assume the same connection could be made between anger and self-compassion. I'm thinking of Thich Nhat Hanh: "Hello, my little friend anger. I know you well. I will take care of you."
Love that! We want to bring compassion to our most difficult emotions :).
Been practicing a few days. The phrase "i wish to be loved" the most touching for me; emotionally honest, soothing, subtly energizing, peaceful, in a bubble of calmness. Why? A tender child "wishes", it's his/her "innocent" need and request to the Love Nucleus of the Universal---where it came from. 2) It's an active state, "to be", not a repeated grievance, past, i.e. "wish i WAS loved". 3) non-specific, no limits how it appears... gorgeous sunset, stranger's smile, call from a friend, a deep connection inside, heart and toes tingling (aura expansion). 4) easily morphs into "i wish To Be love". Now touching the "I am" souce of me inside, ie, "i am Love" becomes the dominate experience of self/Self and world. (Until you allow a distraction to de-rail this beauty-truth for a moment.) Mind-watching with self-compassion will bring you back to that "state of being" you naturally enjoy and want more than all else, and initiate all actions from in the world. Eventually (i hope), such becomes our tangible, expansive beingness Itself, beyond all events, hi and low, big or small, all constrasts or evaluations of the judging (critical) mind. Peace to all in need.
@@mattyjohnstones Such a powerful reflection. Thank you. “I wish to be loved” becomes “I wish to be love”. Beautiful 🙏.
this is such an insightful concept,
thanks.
Thank you Chris and Stan for bringing such wisdom to us
Thank you, Wendy!
Very good talk.
Personnally i think that shame is always internal. It start from your inside and then you project it in the eyes of other ( like paranoïa ) and it comes back to you. . You could be shame by somebody else but it's not gonna stick very much if you don't have it inside you.
I think....
You make a really great point. Both external shame and internal shame are coming from inside. External shame is our perception that others see as as no good, and internal shame is that we see ourselves as no good...but both arise from our own perceptions. You can absolutely be shamed by someone else, but this may or may not stick, as you say. It is tougher when we are shamed as children, because the shame experience gets formed within us as shame memories, that can be quite traumatic and also become central to how we see ourselves, or our self-identity. Being shamed by others is also tough as adults, although it can depend a bit on the self-identity that we have already established. Thanks so much for watching and offering your thoughts!
When does the topic in the title start
@@ChanceBerryman great question. And sorry for my delay. I wanted to find a moment to work out the time stamps and add it to the description. Dr Germer refers specifically to the topic in the title at the 45.54 minute mark, but we had been discussing shame from about the 39 minute mark. Hope that helps!
I'm in need of your prayers and positive energy. Please keep me in your thoughts.
I'm curious about the process of using MSC to work with pre-verbal shame. If babies are neglected emotionally when very young, then they can get stuck in "Freeze", since they don't have access to "Fight" or "Flight". And if that "Freeze" becomes the foundation of their relational experience, then Shame, becomes the baseline for all conscious experience. Which sucks. How to work with such deep rooted shame?
Yes, this is a very insightful question. And sadly very relevant. I think Chris might say that, it's not so much that we are able to rid ourselves of such deeply rooted shame, but that we start to relate to ourselves differently, compassionately, when those feelings arise. Thank you for such a thought-provoking comment.
What is duality? I’ve never heard of it in context to mindfulness? Is it that separateness and connectedness coexist and that is painful?
Such a great question, and exploring the differences between Duality and Nonduality is profound. I’m not sure I understand all of it. But from my basic understanding, ‘Duality’ refers to the belief in a fundamental separation between things-mind and body, individual and environment, or physical and spiritual. This perspective, common in Western philosophy and Abrahamic religions, sees these elements as distinct and independent. In contrast, Buddhism embraces ‘Nonduality’, recognising that while the physical and mental aspects of life are different, they are inseparable. This ‘interconnectedness’ is essential to understanding life as a unified whole. Nonduality challenges the idea of separation, promoting a view where distinctions like life and death, or interior and exterior, are parts of a single, interdependent existence. I hope that helps!
Wow that is fascinating! Thank you for sharing!
I think it's hard to have self compassion for oneself when the rest of the world shames you for just existing. (member of Transgender community)
Sadly very true. It's insane how society (and sometimes even family) traumatizes and re-traumatizes people. Members of the transgender community are certainly victims of this.
I think there is self-compassion in even recognizing this.
Yes, feeling shamed can be a difficult block to self-compassion. Especially when the shame is so ostracizing. As Dr Germer says in this video, we all just want to belong, feel connected, and be loved. He describes this as an "innocent wish". Offering ourselves validation of the struggle we face is often the first step in self-compassion. Assuring ourselves that our feelings are real, make sense, and are completely reasonable given the situation we are in. It's a kind of self-empathy and self-validation. Sometimes we can find others who are understanding and supportive, and love us just the way we are. And sometimes we can practice self-compassion strategies designed to help us cultivate a feeling of safeness and security within ourselves, although that can take some time for sure. Dr Germer has some powerful practices on his website. Sending compassionate wishes.
That's a really great insight. Recognising our suffering and the sources of suffering is definitely an act of self-compassion in and of itself. Thanks for your thoughts!
Come on my show! I emailed