The Psychology of Pity and Self-Pity -- Thoughts from a Former Psychotherapist
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 29 ก.ย. 2024
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Self-Pity is the result of what happens when a person's grieving process is poisoned by a nihilistic / severely pessimistic outlook on life
Yep. It's a neurological wiring loop. It takes conscious work to jump out and form a different, new loop....it's learned behaviour.
Exactly what happened to me
Oh interesting. Thanks 😊
@@podlou9939 What sort of work does one have to put in to break the loop? Its been a long time and I just realized I've been pitying and pitying and pitying and that led me to start to pity myself, accompanied with a pessimistic view on life.
@@aoi2532start by having a daily gratitude journal, it will fortify you and you'll mold your brain's perspectives
A very easy discernment between pity and grief is that self pity and pity as mental, while grief and love involves feeling your body, heart and emotions.
Excellent observation.
Man this was jam packed with helpful information. Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome!
crazy seeing people say they are victims but lash out at the parents that had less access to the knowledge they now have
After i had told my boyfriend about this or that.. he would say..
" oh poor one" or ",i i feel sorry for you" or i find it hard to feel to feel sorry for her. I always thought...
What? I didnt ask for you to feel sorry for me? What? Ha? Finally one day i broke out with " i never asked you to feel l sorry for me!
Then later on i hear after we broke up.. hes taking to girls and listening to all their problems. Poor chris poor kelly etc... i did not want that!!@
Thanks for touching on this very complicated and uncomfortable subject. This happens in my family
My mother….self pity is the way she has always gotten what she needs. She refuses to grow or learn new ways of living.
This is an amazing video. I find myself stuck in a cycle of self-pity. I use it as an excuse to procrastinate and avoid responsibilities to grow. I need more of this kind of content
Inspiring honesty, I relate. Thank you.
Me too, to a silly extent
Yes! Watching videos, and reading quotes in self pity, even letting self oity be there for just a short moment and letting it go, will all be so helpful.
I agree Daniel.
Empathy is one of those "things" that people confuse with pity, which are not the same; and actually pity is way for people/ego to manipulate and create codependents.
Pityness is another trap for the ego to create suffering(which is optional), unlike pain which is not, but our egos use this card very skillfully and unless one goes deep within ourselves than is hard to spot it. I have to mention that, Pityness is also use by our egos to excuse our lack of action and avoid responsibility for our own behaviours.
As a mature and responsable person one need to be aware of those games playing in our minds.
One of the things that personally helped me to transform my life and reality was when I started to be honest to myself, stopped my " victim mentality" and I changed the "Whys" for the "Whats" Example:
Instead of asking myself or others "Why this always happens to me?" Or " Why I have been treated like this?"
I switched to " What can I do about it"?
Or What are my options or actions that I need to take to avoid certain situation next time?" Etc.
Maturity means to be responsable for your actions or lack of.
Thank you Daniel for this video and for helping us to meditate about this topic.
Love you and sending you my most sincere Gratitude❤.
Life can be very unfair with people. That people seem to have no choice but to get mad. And sometimes take out to the world. And its easy to get into that. I come to realize its ok to care for others. But your not responsible for them. Come to realize in life pity is not good. But neither is trying to tell them what to do. I seen some people in pity and others treated them badly. And some do pity them. I don't think either way is good personally. Love all but don't mean you have to get involved. Help them to help there self. When someone hungry don't give them food give them seeds to grow the food. That's how i see it. ... I like the ending how he said acknowledged the pain you put others in also. I love that part. My best part.
Some individuals have the power to transform themselves or better said, tools. While few don’t have such tools.it’s just part of life, or phenomenon
interesting comment thread
Heavy on creating codependents. This girl I knew want to make me into her everlasting victim. Even though I told her that I did something good. She would refuse to acknowledge it. All for the sake that she could keep on pitying me. All for that sake of her feelings needed.
@@Notme811_yoube careful with that girl. There are more girls than stars in the sky. You are a king!?
The more someone pities themselves the more violating they will be to others. They think it gives them permission to abuse.
Well said
@michal i think all humans have this some more some less.its like a never ending cycle and its sad Weather its anger are jealousy are rage are hatred. There a type of pity there cause they feel bad how they was treated. And many find a way for revenge. But i don't think revenge are pity the key. We need to love one another and be kind more.
@Mona White i don't think either is the right way. There are victim and victimizers but i don't think either category a person in... is no way towards healing. You should not be either
So true.
They think they are entitled to people feeling sorry for them too. I would know, i was there too.
FACTS!! This is why we shouldn't indulge ourselves so much in self-pity. This is my analysis of self-pity, there are 3 phases of it:
1. You start to notice all of those negative thoughts in your mind, and later if you can't logically analyze or snap yourself out of it, you will move to the next step.
2. You feel overwhelmed and begin to self-pity yourself, creating lots of excuses and evidence from your past experiences and projecting it to what you are feeling right now, unconsciously. It accumulative result would be depression, and at this point, you really need help (it could be from yourself or others).
The help itself is in a form of validation (I need help = I need validation). You need to validate these feelings, your brain craves validation. You could get these validations from your own self-pity or from others' pity. Why? Because it feels good, it soothes your mind, and your brain prefers something that feels good right? It prefers something familiar rather than something that actually benefits you. You actually need this self-pity in the right amount, you need to validate your own feeling in the right amount so that you could finally snap out of it because these are what will hold you from going to the next step of self-pity.
3. Asking for pity from others. In this stage, you will unconsciously act weak in front of other people. Why? Because you can't get enough of "relieving feelings" from your own self-pity. You haven't had enough, your brain craves more soothing feelings from the outside world. Again, this is okay if you actually get it in the right amount and quickly snap yourself out of it. The last step:
4. Causing harm to others because of yourself. You do realize that self-pity is actually not a responsible act right? Indulge yourself too much in it and you'll finally use this 'self-pity excuse' for not being responsible. You'll use the excuse of "I still can't figure a way out from my traumas and bad experiences" to cause harm to others. This way you're creating another trauma for other people because you couldn't figure out your own. This is a vicious cycle and happens to a lot of people nowadays.
The only way to get out is by snapping yourself out of it. Notice what is happening to your mind, take a step outside of your inner world, and watch yourself doing the self-pity act. How do you feel about it? Do you feel the problem is actually not that big enough to make you hurt yourself? Do you think the problem is way too big that it needs to hurt and cause harm to your loved ones? No, right?
Again, calm your mind whenever it happens, figure out what's actually happening, and work on your traumas and bad experiences. So that you wouldn't unconsciously cause the same thing to other people. CMIIW
Well said.!! #4. That's me. I lost my career job,.. and blame others and blame myself!.. I couldn't handle the life altering change..... I would always tell everyone, all the time,.. my sorrow, my pain....... which I think has sunk myself into a deeper depression. Im so deep now.... and only now, realizing it's my daily & constant wallowing in my self pity as you mentioned "I still can't find a way out of my traumas and bad experience "... I know I'm grieving of my career job that I was So involved with and enjoyed. I know the reality is --- its over, but... I really am hurt, and wanted to do this job for the rest of my life. Now,.. im in shock, I never thought or planned this. This depression?... has made me loose interest in my hobbies and other activities I used to enjoy., and this too is hard to handle., I'm so unhappy with day to day life now. .... and I don't like this . I want it to stop, and release me,... let me go on with life.!
.... I'll try to be more strong minded and STOP the daily self pity. It's really all I can think of..... now. .... but, I know now the only way out is to talk about other things, stop talking about my problems to myself and everyone. Thank you. I hope I learn and apply 🙏
Your comments were very helpful for, I'm going to copy - paste - review - thank you
Victimhood was my mother's specialty. My sister walked the same path. I did too until I realized what I was doing. It is a way to avoid responsibility. When you stop playing along with this game, get ready to be smeared and scapegoated.
In my case it was even harder since I didn't have much of a good father figure to learn from (he was raped as a kid and broken but my mom projected her hatred for men, despite supposedly having a good father, onto him and ruined his life when I was a toddler, almost 2 and a half decades later he still hasn't recovered and if anything is doing much worse, and it's hard on me because my brother and I are the only good things left in his life according to him), so I learned "emotional regulation" mechanisms from a broken woman who taught the same to her broken daughter and sons. I had to figure out what the divine masculine principle actually was on my own. They don't know it for themselves (neither the divine feminine principle which I also had to find from scratch) and they secretly hate me for it.
I gotta laugh that sometimes we become the scapegoat at the same time as repeating the behavior cycles. All the more reason to put an end to it.
But at the same time, get ready for freedom and self respect! 🎉
Sry, just trying to see the good side. Currently going through this crisis myself...
@@allthe1 You are absolutely correct though and it is good to be reminded, and/or to remind yourself of this FACT!!
Yes maam hahahahaha. But once you leave that path, things change amazingly and you take back your power! ❤
This is real quality content. Yeah, being pitied is really a disgusting feeling. Thank you for talking about this!
I agree with you 💯☺️!!!!! Thanks for saying it.
surragate husbands....... it's a good term
I always felt that entitlement, victim identity and a warped morality are big components of narcissism
The two emotions, pity and grief are so similar. It is hard to distinguish the difference sometimes.
Thank you for sharing.
ive always thought anger was a shameful thing to have and it would make you "impure" or something, but anger is actually an essential part and it takes time to learn how to use that anger efficiently without losing yourself
My mother is always going on and on about how miserable her childhood was and how her parents were unfair to her. Of course I'm willing to listen but after years and years of the same stories it gets old. Because of this, from a young age I recognized the power of pity and being a victim -- it can be a very clever way of getting people to kowtow to you. To this day I'm still very resistant to being around people who do this, it feels like they are using some primitive emotional mechanism to manipulate me.
Some of it is venting but repetition rewires your brain to fixate on the bad crap & ignore the good. Highly unchill but you have a voice too you know
What if someone tries to make you a victim so that they can save you/fix you?
learned a new word thanks to you today - kowtow. thanks!
@@mthslzztt7468 same!
The mother going on and on about how she was so abused in her childhood - #1 sign of vulnerable narcissism.
"the glue which held their relationship together was pity." wow
pity putty
This is the best show of its kind that I've seen.
The incisive honesty is so reaffirming of my experiences.
A psychiatrist once told me that it was okay to feel sorry for myself once in a while. She said I was overly concerned about others. I recently had a relative talking to me about how she is treated in a group she has joined. She wanted me to tell her what to do. She, of course, would respond with the fact that she had already tried each of these things and kept on complaining. I told her that I could not help her, that I am not a psychologist, and she needed to talk to a professional. She would not stop talking, so I hung up. I have not heard from her since.
Yup i just had a convo with someone who is in their pity trap and tried to offer some helpful things but he only wants to talk about how his situation is different and about how i'm projecting.
I felt like this about my mother for over sixty years. It was finally at the age of sixty five, I got over it being all about me and realized my mother is a separate person. She no longer lives in my head. Freedom! Daniel may yet get there one day. Don’t give up.
Thanks for speaking out about all these kinds of things. It's sad that people equate crying and mourning with self pity rather than seeing that it can lead to growth and healing. There is so much shame around feeling your own feelings and acknowledging them because we are taught to suppress them. It could be this is an unconscious (or possibly conscious) action done by people who hurt us because if others see us crying, it might red flags that something is wrong! Then the person who hurt us runs the risk of being exposed and being held responsible.
It's a form of self-soothing behavior- to own your own feelings. By feeling what you truly feel, rather than suppressing one's own emotions, you gain insight and thus the ability to empathize with others. Shoving down emotions can lead to unhealthy behaviors such as addictions and NPD (having to prove you are infallible as a human being). This form of denial is deeply embedded in the patriarchal mindset of "toughing it up" as a "man." Thus why people drop bombs and resort to violence as a way of "solving problems" by creating more problems rather than _looking into the mirror._
What a gut check. Just running through my mind if I have ever displayed this behavior with my young boys.
You are a good parent.
No bad parent would even consider that they are infallible.
@@threethrushes this is totally true, unless chronic fallibility is a part of pity and self-pity.
You get major points just for being here and asking that question. You are already light years ahead of my parents,
@@jcepri Thanks!
I was raised similar. I, too, am checking in with myself on how i might unconsciously be repeating even slight amounts of these patterns.
Awareness is the beginning of change.
Hello beautiful person scrolling through the comments. Sending you positive and healing vibes and a huge virtual hug ❤
😙
@@pod9363 🤗
I used to be a brutal, self destructive alcoholic. I treated people like shit.
I finally quit over five years ago.
Even when I was a drunkard, I always hated pity and denied accepting it from anyone.
It depends on the person. My husband died suddenly a few months ago and I hate people having pity for me but I do feel really sorry for me and my children. Living for the next 40 years without a partner and my kids growing up without their dad. I hope people have empathy for me.
very true. I am sorry for your loss, hope you are doing well.
Self pity is the most destructive thing for everybody to have to endure, but we must know hat is self inflicted.
People can feel both empathy and sympathy for others at the same time. Why do you hate people who feel bad about your circumstances. Isn't that a form of compassion? Or do you just strongly dislike it because it's a form of weakness?
Of course we can grieve but for it to cross a line into self pity and to not limit the time we spend in it would be harmful
"Do not pity someone else". Agreed. "Do be empathetic". Also agreed. However, can you give an example of what is healthy to aim for? ie the space between: "I feel so sorry for you" vs " you are being too sensitive"
....NAILED IT!!!! this is the game of my whole family. lately have been decrypting my own anxieties and past addictions and realizing i have this overwhelming sense of guilt for no reason. you basically spelled out some of my same circumstances with pity and my parents desire for me to feel guilty as payment for being "so blessed" by them.
I've often felt that contempt was close to the heart of pity. Self-pity is self-contempt. I think that vomiting is an appropriate response to either one.
Very true..and from self respect comes real compassion towards other people...not just pity
Yes this resonates with me, I really pity the poor but I have a fear of becoming poor and look at myself in hate if I am not working hard enough because that will make me a poor.
@@bhargavi9917 do you think the reason you pity the poor instead of empathize with them is because you know you won’t do as much as you could to help them and feel a little guilty about it? This is in no way hate or me trying to come after you. I’m just trying to better understand the views of another person on this topic so I can think more about why we pity ourselves and other people vs why we would emphasize with them instead.
I'm trying to figure out the difference between sele pity and self compassion, self contempt is truly the opposite. So confusing lol
@@heximancer28’m kind of thinking pity is cheap talk and empathy seems to require (if you aren’t a hippocrite) some sort of action or values that demonstrate it. For example you show care and concern for others in how you conduct your life as opposed to virtue-signaling to appear as though you care but it’s completely self serving in the end. So, self pity is like depression and has a repetitive stagnant quality whereas self compassion is understanding towards self and engaging with life to bring about healing…it’s very creative.
I get somewhat excited when I grieve and process emotions because I know It's a positive experience even though it might seem bad to someone looking from the outside.
i support this content
This man is incredible! I have never heard anyone describe the difference between self pity and grieving. I’m a legitimate victim and sometimes I feel bad for acknowledging the truth. I feel like I’m “playing the victim” but I really was a victim so it gives me great cognitive dissonance. When I first became aware of my trauma, I was very emotionally activated and acted out of anger and despair. I was grieving the life I could have had, the person I could have been, the healthy life I didn’t live out. I it was always matter of fact and lined with the hope that I could grow out of it and not be run by these emotions. I think grieving has a dimension of growth mindset, “these traumatizing things messed me up and I’ve behaved badly but I will work hard for the rest of my life to be better.” But self pity has a dimension of fixed mindset, “I’m stuck in this situation because life isn’t fair to me in these ways.” Stay tough my fellow thrush tellers. It is a lonely path but people like Daniel and you beautiful souls sustain me on this lonely journey. Like he said, most are not going to understand. The defense mechanisms are preventing them from seeing that they’ve been hurt and that they hurt others.
I noticed a lot of what was said in myself. I was brought up to use self pity as manipulation. I can't seem to let go of the past.
Here in the Philippines its a culture (specifically amongst women) supporting self-pity, and expecting the response of going along and cater to them ( a strategy to get the 'nurture' and affection they do normally don't get in other ways) but self-pity is nationally excepted to get care and love. It is in many cultures of course like this. But taking responsibility? There is here no gene for that. So, most stay in their self-pity and don't grow...thats why things (how poor or hurt) will never REALLY change here, inclusive and specifically EMOTIONAL IQ-level
A lot of people told me the same thing you tell your to your self-pitying acquaintances. People told me to stop pitying myself, to take responsibility, to stop being so immature and pathetic. Even my psychotherapist told me that. One time I told her that it was difficult for me to cry, she asked why and I answered: "Well, no one cares about my problems anyway". And the told me: "Yeah. You are right. In fact, no one cares."
Should I continue being silent to people about what I feel? Cause I guess, my feelings are wrong because I self-pity and feel bad for myself. I'm not always silent about my stuff, cause it's hard to always bottle it up, should I try to fake happy persona more, so people wouldn't be so angry at me for these wrong self-pitying emotions? What's the difference between grief and self-pity?
I'm sorry if I made some grammar mistakes. English is not my native language. Hello from Russia.
I'm suffering from the same problem as you are and believe me no one cares. We have to take care of ourselves. Nobody's interested in listening to our problems. Try to talk to yourself. And please don't feel bad if people say you do self pity
@@manahilshaan8965 Yeah, I actually talk to myself in a way. I make audio recordings, like a voice diary. At least I`m sure no one will judge me for my emotions.
@@manahilshaan8965 I also wish you luck on your journey! I stopped being genuine with people a long time ago because of the problems I listed above, but right now I feel like there are people in my life who partly accept me. I hope you will also find acceptance somewhere.
@@altycoggydeer I'm so so proud of you for doing this and not letting people belittle you also thankyou for wishing me luck 🤍
I’m so sorry but you doing your grandmother I got into a fit of laughing !! I’ve had that too . 😂😂 did she not have no way financially to go maybe then again maybe it was the era they lived in , there wasn’t help for emotional intelligence, unfortunately you were caught up in it . I you had to go through sincerely . You honesty is so endearing . I’m glad your living in the now .
God you are so insightful. You can only know this if you went through it. My mother was the same way. It's like they were choosing to get stuck in some dissassociative state and wouldn't break free. And always had some excuse."You made me do it". What the hell was up with that generation? And what did it teach me? I made excuses for my Mom for her crappy behavior by telling myself she just didn't want me to miss her when she died. No. She was just a worthless parent. You are so right. There are a lot of benefits for self pity. One, that you're never responsible for your bad choices. What an eye opener. Its a bad habit and it works for them. You don't have to grow up at all. No wonder we have such a big homeless problem. Its everybody else's fault. "Get out of my emotional circle". What a profound statement. And that's the boundary so many people like my mother never respected. And that narcs look for to use you. Her whole family she had served me to on a silver platter to. By sharing all of my business to. To get pity. For herself. They never change because it works for themselves. They're selfish little bastards. That's all that family ever was. A waste of my time as an adopted little girl. To me Daniel, for what it's worth, you did the right thing. You got the hell out of their hell They made out of their own lives. They're still blaming you, by the way. And they will, till they pass away. Blind out of choice. Because they lie to themselves about their own smugness. And that had absolutely nothing to do with who you are, were , and will become. Poor things. Give them what they want with conviction.
More to be pitied for. They lost their only child and they only did that all to themselves. I wouldn't give 2 toots about their problems. You're right. They should have thought about the compromise for what they did. Take responsibility for their actions of trying to have a child in the first place. Life is not always about fun. It's hard. And if even if you had stayed their in their muck, nothing would have improved. I know it wouldnt have with those 2.
When my mother was 84 years old, I overheard her call me and my special needs brother "her slaves" to her brother on the phone with her not knowing I had overheard her. 84 years old. I would have done anything to help this person. And that is the thing that they do suffer for. From listening to your past they did the worst thing anyone, like my mother, could do. They took your love for granted. Think about it this way. They had their chance as children to get attention. I don't think that they ever got enough so they had to take the attention you needed for themselves. Thats where the pity comes from. Pity me because life wasnt fair to me. That insatiable need to be seen never died with my mother. She was a sharp dresser. And I wore rags. Like cinderella. And still do. People that "dress up" disgust me. Especially older women who have children. Because I know they've taken from their children's chances to thrive. To grow. It happened to me my whole life. Not for pity. I found out a secret when she died. She had lived a very cozy life on insurance money my father had left to his kids when he died. I was 7. For almost 50 years I never knew. Because she was only concerned about her own damm selfish little self. Imagine finding out something like that and not ever being able to hold hercaccountable for it at all. .
I have a question, where does the healthy line between pitying someone and acknowledgong their hardships lie?
I don't agree with senseless pity but I have experienced great relief in having my hardships validated when aired to another human, it was difficult for me to understand that it was okay to feel hurt when assaulted until my boundaries were realised, in no small part thanks to the input of others with whom I shared my experiences with,
I'd like to know what people think
Thank you Daniel I needed this video ❤
So you cut them off all contact? After having no contact for 11 years after a fall out with my bio mom we decided to reuntie through phone calls. She gave me up for adoption due to neglect and sex abuse by my bio father. Within a week she called drunk claiming she is a piece of shit crying and saying how bad i got it for an hour. Her own pity party if u will. I did not feel sorry for her but played into her hand saying thats the past she is a dif person now ect..She then accused me of being mean and needy and emotional and starved for attention because she would not answer my calls for 1 week and i thought something bad had happened to her being that she is unpredictable i thought maybe she commited suicide or was in jail.She finally called me after i called my aunt saying how dare i call my aunt and ask were she is and if shes ok and that by doing that i was creating drama and its just to much for her. She then said she might call me in a week and was very rude. She made promises of money and trips as well.. I decided to block her on SM and my phone. All she did was hurt me and never asked me how im feeling it was always about her. A month after I blocked her from contacting me I recieved a letter from her saying "do you want to make me cry..do you want to watch me bleed". I think this is lyrics to a song.No apologies just begging for pity and claiming to be a victim of life. I feel I have made the right choice. She is 56 and has not changed so unless she makes a seriouse smak in the face effort to show me she actually cares I wont ralk to her again. Sry about the long story but I can relate and wanted to tell you. Stay strong and do that inner shadow work its hard but worth it.
Their generation was the "Two wrongs don't make a right" generation.... they said it ALL the time....but if you say it back when they say, "that's how I was raised".... you're gonna be in trouble 😅
Daniel.....I am your FAN... I Love how you can integrate your personal experiences into your messages. I know you walked through the fire. I enjoy you SO MUCH and am grateful for the time you take to share yourself.
Thanks!
But did YOUR generation do a better job? IK parents of millennials, largely, DIDN'T. The most narcissist cohort, ever.
This video might just save my life. You made me see a bunch of things I've been doing to myself but I couldn't tell what was going wrong.
Daniel, I’m 2 mins in and already understand more about my own behavior. I hope that by understanding it better I can move through a pattern I’ve been cycling through for many, many years.
This is a helpful video. Having taken responsibility for my own life, I assumed that if it was brought up to other people that if you treat people well and take responsibility for your own life you will be much happier. Many people just refuse to do this and want pity from others. I am more involved in my own life now, and do not feel obligated to constantly help others feel good about themselves. We are all responsible for our own lives and how we feel about ourselves.
This is really critical stuff! Thank’s for giving me insight.
I can see why you're a former Psychotherapist, Ayn Rand would be proud of your disregard toward others.
Agreed
As one of those people who was on the street, I never felt that anyone was pitying me. In fact, it was the kindness and compassion of others that helped me practice any kind of self compassion. It wasn't self made at that point, but it got me on the path. I was 14.
I now have children of my own and we help who we can when we can, but I've never seen my children feel pity twords them, they show joy. They feel joyful to share with others wether they are houseless people or the neighbors kids who they share a cookie with.
I think there is truth to what you're saying for whoever finds it there, but know that sometimes taking a moment to help someone, whatever reason you choose to do it, can make massive life changes.
Being pitied i another persons way of avoiding their own pain and thinking that someone else is somehow umluckier than you or less than you,as you say it is not the same as compassion.Pity is extremely patronising and belittling and not empowering at all.It is a way for another person to distance themselves from their own pain and fear and shame.Its pathetic
10:50
Feeling sorry for self , learned helplessness, and they get attention for it. 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Superficiality.
Soooo many therapists and women will bond with each other through pity. They consider that as normal and healthy 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 it feels gross and makes me want to vomit, too. Total crossing of boundaries and disrespectful. Support my grieving!!!!! ( They don't know the difference!!!!) Don't pity me!!!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 Holding the traumatizers liable means i am empowred and i will hold the therapist and other women liable ir their behaviors and attitudes. Those people feel better living in their delusions and being stuck and acting like a harmed child rather than a whole healthy adult.
Amazing video. I relate to a lot of this, my mom severely wanted people to pity her, she would actually go to multiple therapists and I could tell she got off on telling everything wrong that had happened in her life.
Appreciate the upload
0:16. I think that was a very generational thing!!!!!! My baby boomer parents and silent generation + greatest generation grandparents also demanded that of our generation (generation X). I think those generations knew nothing else. They were raised to be di/kheads and a//hats to other people, to pity people and taught to rescue those people whom they pity despite how miserable they were themselves --- I think that they were compelled to do that because of what they were taught from church and their Bible interpretation -- I know countless international adoptees who were adopted by American baby boomer parents who were taught to adopt international babies whom they pity.
Pity was their sick and form of love..... Sick...
I can totally understand what you're saying. I appreciate this talk.
How do you differentiate between grieving for one's self and self-pity? Thank you so much for your videos 💫 they help us so much
Hi Dana, I'm glad you asked that because I was wondering the same, it's a fine line. Am I wallowing in sadness and pity for myself, or am I grieving? Same goes for feeling pity for someone vs. telling them they are being too sensitive and need to toughen up (both are bad! but what does the good middle ground look like?) Anyway, I found this explanation helpful janecartercounseling.net/news/2015/1/16/practicing-self-compassion-vs-wallowing-in-self-pity
@@NaCl1984 Excellent text! Thank you for sharing.:)
I think they are the same thing. Grieving and pity, for myself or others, feels the same to me. Pity is maybe just a slightly old fashioned word for the same emotion.
You're just not allowed to be sad. Heaven forbid you externalize it if you are! That is the only thing I have learned in life.
@Cult Leader, Yeah this video didn't sit right with me to be honest. I'm so sorry that I just wanted an ear that one time. I never asked anyone for anything or tried to get anything out of it. I just wanted to be able to feel or for once have someone tell me the things I've been through were wrong. There's been absolutely no justice. I was told I'm being a victim similar to this video and the comments. I just became my own ear after that. And told myself if I wanna seek any justice then go at it. And that now, nobody gets away with uprooting my life or even slightly screwing with me. Funny thing is, before you were being a victim or manipulative, but then when you become self sufficient, people will still complain, just differently. You're not open, you're not vulnerable, you're robotic. No, I feel it all, I'd never let myself stop feeling because of assholes like you, I genuinely care about myself and realised I'm all I've got, and I'll always be there for myself. I just don't want to feel with *you* or anyone anymore. I know that sounds bitter, but I'm not hateful when I interact with people. I'm happy. I think it's because I have everything I need in myself.
If I buy myself a coffee or hot chocolate, I feel pity and guilt. I think how selfish because some people are starving. 😭
Your video helps me so much.
I don’t think the definition of self pity in this video is right. I looked up the dictionary. Its kind of self compassion. The problem is, they don't turn that self-compassion into self-responsibility, but immersed themselves in the identity of the victim, and have no power to change all of this.
I don't know who you are but this was one of the greatest explanation that I see someone do when it comes to self pity and self-healing great great video thank you
I would disagree with many parts..but the part where just because of your own messed up life decisions and failure on your part to comprehend trauma and how to deal with it is what you use personally to feel good about yourself is psychologically disingenuous. But I guess that is also a process of that person on their own behalf to look the world in a more modest way ,to understand the harms they've done and what they've faced emotionally themselves. I won't go to extreme lengths and will be judgemental but yeah people showing false pity and sympathy ,i will happily part myself from them
Thank you Daniel, I really appreciate your genuine self and your videos. And I don't care what shirt you wear and how perfect the videos are, the content beats appearance.
Hey Dan, make a video about grieving processes pls
*Grieving is a healing feeling* (John Bradshaw)
My friend has a victim mentality and complains and says stuff like no one would care if he killed himself and at this point I don’t have any pity left. Should I just tell him that or what should I do?
Whats the difference between pity and grief? Genuinely asking.
I love this and your work daniel. Recently I tried therapy again after not trying it since I was younger and I had to change therapists a few times because they seemed more interested in pitying my situations then helping me understand and work through them.
This talk has also helped me reflect in on my own enabling behavior towards others toxicity and even my own. Thank you
I hate pity - would rather isolate - pity feels self indulgent
I've been 'victimized' as an adult. In non-trivial ways. It's not about pity, it's about being broken again and again by evil people.
The difference between pity and empathy is that the first seems caring but can actually be condescending and self serving while the latter is truly compassionate.
👀Oh Daniel, you are a master of the indefinable! Since in a wheelchair, pity is the thing i hate the most, just after but being able to walk anymore! I fought so hard to climb out of the states you mentioned here for recovery, so when i see pity on someone's face now, i intuitively know something's off, but knew not why. Invariably it's with someone I'm better off having little to do with, as well. YOU ARE A JEWEL FOR SHARING YOUR ANALYSIS, THANK YOU. ❤️🙏💞
Person who lives with altered-ability here too 👋
I can very much relate to your comment and to what Daniel has so eloquently expressed.
Excellent video 👏
@@BraveblueRaven Thanks for the support. It often feels like condescension, no? I can imagine one reason as a denial process to keep them from thinking it could happen to them.
People become addicted to grief and victimization. It's like a drug. Something going on in the brain there.
Pitty is a just a form of hatred...
Or contempt.
This is good to know. Really. Self-pity sucks.
BUT, please, everyone, there's nothing wrong with feeling bad for people, crying for someone, etc.. not everything is pity, not everything comes from pity, even if it looks the same (hugs, crying, expressing feeling bad for someone, etc etc)
Agreed. There is nothing wrong with healthy empathy and helping on occasion, but being careful not to get caught up in it.
It reminds me of the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem...
this is very interesting. I also feel very uncomfortable with pity. but how can we at the same time acknowledge that there are groups of people with big disadvantages. I tend to think that it's kind of unfair to ask for selfactualization to people that struggle to meet basic material needs, for example. I don't know. nontheless, I loved what you said at 12:07 Thank you. I don't really know if I'm succesfully grieving, but I'm not hurting people as my family did. That means a lot to me.
I feel that just because you've been disadvantaged doesnt mean you get a free pass to use self pity as a manipulation tool against someone even more vunerable than you are - your own child. Personally I think self pity is ok to a certain point but when it's used as a tool to gain power over others especially those with even less power than you than I dont it's any longer a legitimate thing.. genuinely being upset over something and using pity go be an asshole disgused as a saint are different things.. it's so manipulative to use others sympathy to get them to forgive your toxic behaviour towards them over and over if you dont actually intend to do better in the future but just use your circumstances as excuse to take it out on someone else who isnt even the cause of your circumstances like your own children or grandchildren etc..
They want everyone to feel sorry for them, mostly their children. Seems narcissistic to me
I've had trouble with people thinking I "pity them." I was raised in a household of "we help everyone we can, when we can, where we can" and my neighborhood was very tight nit. Heavy snow storm? I'd shovel my house walks, and then go to my neighbors who couldn't do their own. Bad storm that felled trees? I went around the streets helping clean up and helping neighbors with downed branches. And I'll admit it wasn't just me, my sister and including most of my neighbors would all do the same. When I got a job and people complained about stuff and being overworked, I picked up the slack. Cars broke down, so I'd offer people rides, a co worker I barely knew was moving, I helped him move. Some times people would turn me down, some would be surprisingly mad and holler at me "I don't need help, what you think I can't do it myself?!" Any time I offered help, I never felt pity, I never looked down at them and felt sorry for their "little problems" but that's often how people viewed me. Meanwhile, in my mind I'm thinking, "hey, this person has a problem or some sort of inconvenience. Huh, I've got a (solution) right here, here's a ride, here's some form of help, here's a tool I have that I would gladly let you borrow." I've had so much anger thrown at me I thought for a long time maybe I should stop being helpful, but it's just not how I was raised. Again, helping someone has never come from a place of "I pity you and this situation you are in," it's solely because I have a responsibility to help when and where I can, but I guess if anything I've learned to be more mindful of making someone else "feel pitied" and I usually wait until they ask for help or ask for a solution. I really appreciate your video, I've wanted to learn more of the psychology of pity and why some people view a helping hand as pity.
Also, I've realized people who have strong feelings of self-pity are the main people who refuse help from others, because they don't want someone to help them as a way of condescending to them.
That's a new topic, gonna have to explore it further..:)
I am 52 and i just found this and i do every day.
It's 'home', like a pigeon. NOT 'hone', like an axe. I like these videos and am happy by nature ok. But also so traumatized that I got sick and lost. Oh well.
oops!
wonderful video, just started looking at how self pity in others and in ourselves is the Great Crippler
Let no one to colonize your inner world.
Could you clarify the difference between Pity, compassion and empathy?
I was going to ask the same* thing. Like I would like to donate to charities. But this video makes me feel like I’m just pitying less fortunate people and should donate? I definitely learn some things in this video, but I would like an understanding of his distinctions as well.
Oh my God, my whole family is DESTROYED by these mechanisms. An interesting point is that this dynamic has been perpetuated by the Church, because they made Self sacrifice as a virtue which opened the gates to the hell of pity and self pity. Pity is so condescending, and has nothing to do with love and empathy. I usually call pitying «love» sympathy, and I reserve empathy for true love.
I will not keep pity on people and animals. But, I am not mean-spirited woman.
Damn, thank you for allowing me to see this wise perspective. Very enpowering
Thankyou i just realized why i feel pain when someone has wanted me to validate their problems so they can talk about them to no end but i wasn't having it. I thought i might have been too harsh but i think he wasn't ready to hear it. I felt responsible for him and his problems.
Your parents sound like what's called communal narcissists. They loved the feeling of helping others, feeling superior without being too close. That's the thing with why I think so many people hate being pitied: power struggle. The pitying person is most likely projecting their own self pity in order to finally feel good about themselves. Misery loves company? Initially, the person seems So sweet, So invested in the well-being for others' misfortunes.... Usually turns out to be self-righteous pity. Its not about the person hurting; its about them. They're predators.
I've had relatives say some of the exact same things to me, the "I love you so much!" "I'll never do it again!" (because they got in trouble with the law but as soon as that was cleared they went back to their old ways and I was told to just learn to live with it.) Foisting the responsibility on the person abused to sweep it all under the rug because of how much "pain" they're in. There's no rug big enough!
Ick!
This is excellent stuff. I was raised by a mom who herself experienced trauma which ingrained self-pity in her. She did the best she could with what she was dealt. Having said that, she did cause much damage to herself and others because she could not let go of her self-pity. So it was important that I heal myself.
Having said this, she was a good mother and I miss her every day.
Thank you Daniel you are doing great work!
Explains a lot about the "trending" mass movements in our society, no?
God somebody got political
@@jaredferguson2999
It's not political though, it's social. It affects people's relationships and personal lives first, and politics virtually not at all. "Political" now means interfering in everyone's personal lives, it doesn't mean affecting national policy. 99.9% of people have practically no influence in economic or foreign policy, for example. But suddenly sending barages of angry tweets is "political". It's not political, it's "political": average people who have zero real political power, trying feel more special by forcing their peers to do things.
@@the81kid I was joking, you are on to something there
@@jaredferguson2999
So hard to tell sincerity from sarcasm through the medium of the internet.
Best video about pitty. I think pitying is arrogant in many levels. I was at grocery with my npd father and saleswoman did overpriced sonething like %40 more and I pin up her because she didn't want to accept her fault and after we went out with my father said "why did you say that things? didn't you pity her like I did. She just makes minimum wage in there.."
I didn't say anything to him.
I don't pity her because I don't think I am above her. She did me wrong and I warned her that's all. No more pitying from me to anyone. Pitying and compasion are different things.
I'm so surprised to hear that about therapists. I would have assumed they would have been comfortable with emotions.
but what if i just like being a victim? i don't want people to stop pitying me
Then dont be surprised when people talk behind your back, stop inviting you to events and start ghosting and cutting you off, one by one. Doesn't take people long to wise up to someone with a victim narrative.
@@manonvernon8646 triggered
This gave me goosebumps for realizing how many family members of mine should relate to this video! I only got to my grandpa(s) because I never knew any great-grandpa. Who knows how many generations ago this behavior started!
I disagree to be honest. Shaming people for self-pity doesn't seem to help them to get out of it, rather it reinforces them in it or promotes dissociation or even narcissism/comparison ("oh I am better because I managed to better my life, you low life piece of s*it who cannot do it). Imo a better approach would be to help them to fulfill the needs which self-pity provides by more healthy and sustainable/helpful means. It also does not mean that we should support such person if we have no obligation/desire to do so and it drains/destroys us.
Also, many of us have ineed been f-ed up by our circumstances beyond any resonable hope of getting better. Obviously, deciding not to use available tools to get better if it is manageable to do so is just stupid, however, shaming someone who is on a constant edge of life and death that they "can't pull themselves by their bootstraps" just adds more to the evil of this world. Or someone who tried multiple approaches, put in the effort and yet got nothing in return.
Naturally, we should hold people accountable for their actions, however, there is a difference between someone stealing because they are starving vs someone stealing because he cannot satiate his greed and already has excess of stuff.
Oh boy! I was meant to putty my parents but don’t you even try feeling sooty for yourself! I truly have had a lot of really really big stuff happen to me throughout life, no I’m not a victim, but wow it’s taken its tool and I’m tired. These events take time to recover from and I do not go around telling everyone everything, I have very close friends of 40 years and most of them
Have no idea what I went through as a child. It was horrible. I do believe I have been a victim, I have been really damaged, but I gave never not tried to get help or do the work I needed to do in order to keep my head above water. Acknowledgement perhaps would be nice, to have a family, that actually sit and truly listen, not just change the subject and blow you off it’s rude and I’m more angry about that. The nearest facts I am not aloud a voice or my feelings are not validated. …
A very important topic. Thank you for sharing your insight, Daniel!
People who pile on the pity are trying to keep you down.
Love this. People pity others because they want to be pitied themselves. And yes, those who pity don't mean it and don't like the people whom they pity.
You must not attend church
Thank you after 3 months of reflection of a relationship that I felt was sooooo weird the word pity came to my mind. Other guides didn’t explain it the same way just gave a list of what to look for. This is an eye opener.
Wow this is really good information my mate! Thank u for sharing
Ooooh my gosh, you described my childhood perfectly. My early years were founded in the crucible of our parent's self pity, it destroyed our childhoods.
Any anger from me or my siblings about it, only resulted in more violence, so we only learned to be small, quiet, insignificant.
They made their children pay for what they went through as children, which still feels like a betrayal and ironically, uncomfortable to talk about because it sounds like self pity. What you said about pity being disrespectful really hit a chord and I thank you for it.
Dear Daniel. I’ve listen to many of your videos. ( Not surprisingly, I am also a child victim of abuse (physical and psychological), etc. I don’t speak to my father and struggle to keep a relationship with my mother. )
We are about the same age (~50y.o.).
But I am a mother.
Raising a child helps to understand some of the struggles of our own parents.
2 thoughts:
- in this video, you talk like your parents ought to have behaved like super-humans;
- you know, but you discard the fact, that they were humans growing up as well.
And yes you were their “guinea pig”. They were unskilled, untrained and unprepared to be in this society, to be in a marriage or to become a parent.
You talk about their transitory feelings as something that ought to be stagnant. But you know better. No feeling is always the same. No unconditional love is unconditional. Nor it feels unconditional always.
As you well know we are all sons of our own hormones. That’s why we age and lose strength, vision and abilities.
I hope I could explain myself better.