Wow my dad is 3 types: disengaged, rageful, and controlling ... mom is the enabler who gaslights and failed to protect... hmmm... you hit the nail right on the head Kim.
My dad was (and is) a peculiar mixture of the absent but present as well as the controlling. After my parents divorce, when I was a young teen, he literally told me he’d continue to put a roof over my head and clothes on my back and provide food, etc., but he couldn’t be my father in any other way. Yet he still had custody of me, and would control and always criticize me and almost everything I did. He would make lists of chores for me to do and then point out everything I hadn’t done “right” on the chores, tell me I should strive to be more like my sister, tell me he just couldn’t understand me, etc. It started young, though, long before the divorce. Pretty much as soon as I could talk, it felt like. Something about me seemed to really disturb him and I seemed to earn much more criticism than my other siblings. At some points I’ve wondered if he’s a narcissist but he doesn’t seem to fit all the criteria. At any rate it’s tough trying to heal from this. It’s very confusing. I just feel like he rejected me emotionally from a very young age and then as I got older was more and more explicit about it. It hurts, especially since he praises my other siblings, one in particular. He only seems to “love” me when I’m doing exactly what he wants and when he wants it. Very conditional.
10:10 I can clearly see how it can be easier in some ways to heal from an abusive/negligent parent after they die. For one, they are dead and no longer continuing to abuse or cause direct pain or cross boundaries. Also, grieving someone who is dead vs. grieving the death of a relationship with a living person can be easier, too. I have only recently been able to understand and forgive myself for wishing my dad was dead at different times in my life. Although I am an adult, this is shit IS his fault and my mom's, too, but I do not care to try and explain myself to them anymore. The last time, both parents laughed at me while I cried to them about things they had done that hurt me and affected me deeply.
You’re onto something there. I’ve forgiven my dead narcissistic “mother” because she was sick and no one helped her. I can’t forgive my living enabler “father” because he’s the one who should’ve helped her, and his kids, but he didn’t do that and so the kids all moved 3000 miles away and our “mother” eventually killed herself. And now he’s old and alone in an empty house. Tough shit buddy.
Thank you for this !!! You described my dad ...#3, and he died at 46... as much as I loved my dad, he had anger issues ... I have BPD, and I’m almost sure he did too ... You also described my ex too... really looking forward to the rest of the series !!
5:06 biological father. 5:52 & 8:30 Step father. I never chased men that reminded me of my biological father; he did help with my self esteem issues though. It took me about 31 years to realize that I used to chase men that reminded me of my step father though. It still hurts that he's gone from my life even though he was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive... He was still a better parent than my mother & when he and my mother divorced I regretted telling her how he was when she wasn't around because despite such; the other half of the time he was wonderful & I felt oddly safe with him. Yes his rage and taking his stress out on me wasn't okay and he did come to me once sobbing and asking for my forgiveness. We had big hug, good cry, and I forgave him but then he disappeared again 🥺. I have healed a lot; I no longer need a man, I don't even want one for now...they just sound so complicated right now & I need to focus on myself & my son. I know there's still a lot of work to be had though; it's just hard to find those that are helpful with such because people like to twist it into some perverse fantasy rather than trauma that needs mending.
My family situation was an ongoing unsafe environment, I'm 31 we are All split apart and there's more drama than ever. I've always disassociated to cope, but it's messed me up in adult hood and I'm sick of this crap. It's so hurtful
I just found your videos. I have struggled SO hard to find info on narcissistic fathers specifically because so much of the examples is focused on women. thank you so much. my parents got divorced and so my dad was the unchecked NPD. he was the opposite of distant, unfortunately for us. he was also physically abusive when we were younger and continued to be emotionally and verbally abusive throughout my childhood. Seems like mine was multiple as well, the angry and controlling types, the divorce.
My father was scared Schizoid by UCLA in the 1960s. I believe he had Aspergers as he could do Trigonometry without paper I was molested by my 2 friends Dads and never told because I thought he'd tell me it was my fault. He was a WW2 war hero and later after Mom died my schizophrenic brother stabbed him. He survived Between my Mom's quick cancer death and my brother going to prison I ended up on meth. My Dad cried because he was scared I'd die! I couldn't believe he cared. Miss you Dad. He was 50 when I was born. Lived to 87. Smartest person I've ever met! And I work in medical field so that's saying something
I came here because I just hate my father. Always wanted to have the warm son-dad connection but whenever I open up myself to my dad, I always ended up getting hurt. Extremely frustrated at him
Thanx a lot for the great information but I would appreciate if you have mentioned the ways of treatment for victims of such dad (kids) and how they grow up and have failure in relations as they always refer to this as “ You have to fix your papa truma”!! but how ? what is the solutions!! as its done and thats him and Now how can we heal and attract the right healthy person? thnx again for the help🙏
My dad reminds me of the dad in the Dahmer series except without all of the weird things like the roadkill..but a nice person, just extremely emotionally available, thinks everything is a joke, sides With my narc mom
My own father tried to groom me and tried to make sexual advances towards me for the last few years until I moved out last year and moved across the country and live on my own.
Hi mam, you're right I became my mom's companion and I always try to protect her from my dad. He's a covert narcissist who is hell-bent on making our lives hell. I think I have PTSD- I see flashbacks of ugly fights that I witnessed between them during my childhood. My mom always gave me the love and safe place that she never had. I want to give her back.
Thank you so much, very helpful! I'm looking forward to these series, especially the last type - needy papa trauma! Cannot figure a way to go about this weird constellation with my dad.
My dad was the absent and rageful. My mother divorced him when I was 15 & older sister was 16. We basically had no relationship with him from that point on. I’m 30 now. He passed away a year ago next month. Our step mom didn’t even tell us he passed away, we found out through a Facebook post.. I know we didn’t have a relationship but that hurt. On top of all of that, he was cremated and he is kept with her… so there’s no place my sister and I can go to kind of have our peace or say goodbye properly. So much regret, but nothing anyone can do..
I used to hero worship my mum but I realise now when she left my narc father she just protected herself, not me, and can't and won't helped deal with any emotional life.
my psychiatrist (1989) used the term "emotionally absent" it was the TRUTH ! child raising/"rearing" is an ART ! -wasn't for ME, for SURE! , nor for EVERYONE ! , some are too badly arrogantly , ignorantly SCARRED ! the male just passed on his mental weaknesses back in "ancient times" , one wouldn't/couldn't seek "help" ! but 'buried' the behavior until it came mightily cascading down on the unfortunate offspring! i've always had WAY TOO MUCH problem just being my OWN parent ! , much less someone else's...ie: the "blind leading the blind" ??
My father always loved his children with no doubt, but was simply physically absent for a lot of time because of long hour work, and didn’t know how to emotionally be present and engage because he himself had neglected childhood, he grew up lonely and alone. He also had suicidal thoughts. He is very loving at heart. No harmful intention. I love him so deeply, but i never felt secure. I always had a feeling that i have to protect him.. can this also be a papa trauma? Because i def have daddy issue even tho i love him and he loves his children so deeply. I never felt secure.. i tend to get attracted (feel safe) to older man, i married to a man 24years older than me. I love him so much and feel safe with him. That has been what im always looking for in relationship,, a person who can provide safety for me… like father figure in romantic way..
Hey, im new to the channel and I saw you've reviewed tv shows. At least I saw the queen's gambit as a scrolled. But would you consider doing one on Bojack Horseman? It tackles mental health issues amazingly I feel like and it is an all around master class of TV writing. It tackles everything from depression, abuse, substance abuse, trauma, anxiety and also slips in some other issues out there. I'd love your thoughts. The first 5 or 6 episodes aren't the best infant I'd go as far to say they are the worst episodes of the show. After that it picks up and never stops going up. The show is a masterpiece and helped me with my depression and childhood issues with my mother if im being honest. I also got sober after finishing it and its helped me move forward in a positive direction along with having a new favorite show haha. Anyways, I'd love your thoughts on the show if you wanted to watch it. You just gained a new viewer 👍
I always read of daddy issues, but never of mommy issues. Is anyone talking about the mommy issues sons have due to their mother?! And it always sounds like we need to be fixed. By "we" I mean the people that had crappy, incapable "parents" and now "we" are the problem, the machine that needs fixing. Really, I think it is time to tax bad parents harder, to cut their salary and let the money be transferred to organisations that help people who had to suffer the stupidity of so called grown ups.
Hi I Prince Backman will always be a white woman slave I love you master you are my master forever I will forever be your slave I will give up everything that I own just to be at your back for the rest of my life that is where I want to be master
So we're going to blame the dad because the wife is an asshole? Yeah I think you're putting some bad information out there that's not doing anybody any good.
Oh wow nailed it! My dad was present but emotionally absent, rageful, and a total victim narcissist.
1. Enabling 4:12
2. Absent, but present 5:06
3. Rageful 5:52
4. Critical/controlling 6:22
5. Addicted 7:07
6. Chronically unstable 7:54
7. Abandoned 8:30
8. Dead 9:33
9. Divorced 10:37
10. Victimized 12:07
Thank you
I grew up with a disengaged father who was angry and controlling and critical. Thanks so much for making this video.
Same here! Plus, my mother and sibling are narcissists.
Mine too more on the narc side
Me, too! More damaging IMO..
Mee too ! You expressed so good his attitude !
I grew up with same and was physically beaten up by him. Mentally emotionally abused and verbally abused too I hope this helps
Wow my dad is 3 types: disengaged, rageful, and controlling ... mom is the enabler who gaslights and failed to protect... hmmm... you hit the nail right on the head Kim.
Same here ❤️
Same.
same. how do we heal this?
My dad was (and is) a peculiar mixture of the absent but present as well as the controlling. After my parents divorce, when I was a young teen, he literally told me he’d continue to put a roof over my head and clothes on my back and provide food, etc., but he couldn’t be my father in any other way. Yet he still had custody of me, and would control and always criticize me and almost everything I did. He would make lists of chores for me to do and then point out everything I hadn’t done “right” on the chores, tell me I should strive to be more like my sister, tell me he just couldn’t understand me, etc. It started young, though, long before the divorce. Pretty much as soon as I could talk, it felt like. Something about me seemed to really disturb him and I seemed to earn much more criticism than my other siblings. At some points I’ve wondered if he’s a narcissist but he doesn’t seem to fit all the criteria. At any rate it’s tough trying to heal from this. It’s very confusing. I just feel like he rejected me emotionally from a very young age and then as I got older was more and more explicit about it. It hurts, especially since he praises my other siblings, one in particular. He only seems to “love” me when I’m doing exactly what he wants and when he wants it. Very conditional.
10:10 I can clearly see how it can be easier in some ways to heal from an abusive/negligent parent after they die. For one, they are dead and no longer continuing to abuse or cause direct pain or cross boundaries.
Also, grieving someone who is dead vs. grieving the death of a relationship with a living person can be easier, too.
I have only recently been able to understand and forgive myself for wishing my dad was dead at different times in my life.
Although I am an adult, this is shit IS his fault and my mom's, too, but I do not care to try and explain myself to them anymore.
The last time, both parents laughed at me while I cried to them about things they had done that hurt me and affected me deeply.
You described my childhood
exactly, the part about wishing your dad would better be dead, so life would be easier because there would be no unsolving problem anymore
You’re onto something there. I’ve forgiven my dead narcissistic “mother” because she was sick and no one helped her. I can’t forgive my living enabler “father” because he’s the one who should’ve helped her, and his kids, but he didn’t do that and so the kids all moved 3000 miles away and our “mother” eventually killed herself. And now he’s old and alone in an empty house. Tough shit buddy.
Mine is - absent but present, rageful, controlling, chronically unstable, victimised
My father was narcissistic and very very strict, my way or the highway. Yes he's very rageful,
Thank you for this !!! You described my dad ...#3, and he died at 46... as much as I loved my dad, he had anger issues ... I have BPD, and I’m almost sure he did too ... You also described my ex too... really looking forward to the rest of the series !!
1 and 2 are my “father”. We haven’t spoken in years. He doesn’t care and neither do I at this point.
My father was emotionally unavailable, rageful, and critical.
3, 4, 9, & 10 really resonated with me, my dad is a narcissist and my family is very enmeshed, so thats probably why
5:06 biological father. 5:52 & 8:30 Step father.
I never chased men that reminded me of my biological father; he did help with my self esteem issues though.
It took me about 31 years to realize that I used to chase men that reminded me of my step father though.
It still hurts that he's gone from my life even though he was verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive... He was still a better parent than my mother & when he and my mother divorced I regretted telling her how he was when she wasn't around because despite such; the other half of the time he was wonderful & I felt oddly safe with him.
Yes his rage and taking his stress out on me wasn't okay and he did come to me once sobbing and asking for my forgiveness.
We had big hug, good cry, and I forgave him but then he disappeared again 🥺.
I have healed a lot; I no longer need a man, I don't even want one for now...they just sound so complicated right now & I need to focus on myself & my son.
I know there's still a lot of work to be had though; it's just hard to find those that are helpful with such because people like to twist it into some perverse fantasy rather than trauma that needs mending.
My family situation was an ongoing unsafe environment, I'm 31 we are All split apart and there's more drama than ever. I've always disassociated to cope, but it's messed me up in adult hood and I'm sick of this crap. It's so hurtful
I just found your videos. I have struggled SO hard to find info on narcissistic fathers specifically because so much of the examples is focused on women. thank you so much. my parents got divorced and so my dad was the unchecked NPD. he was the opposite of distant, unfortunately for us. he was also physically abusive when we were younger and continued to be emotionally and verbally abusive throughout my childhood. Seems like mine was multiple as well, the angry and controlling types, the divorce.
How about sadistic, antisocial personality disorder and alcoholic? That made for a devastating childhood.
She is so underrated man you need way more views and subscribers because you’re videos are Gold for healing ❤️🩹
My father was scared Schizoid by UCLA in the 1960s. I believe he had Aspergers as he could do Trigonometry without paper
I was molested by my 2 friends Dads and never told because I thought he'd tell me it was my fault. He was a WW2 war hero and later after Mom died my schizophrenic brother stabbed him. He survived
Between my Mom's quick cancer death and my brother going to prison I ended up on meth. My Dad cried because he was scared I'd die! I couldn't believe he cared. Miss you Dad. He was 50 when I was born. Lived to 87. Smartest person I've ever met! And I work in medical field so that's saying something
I came here because I just hate my father. Always wanted to have the warm son-dad connection but whenever I open up myself to my dad, I always ended up getting hurt. Extremely frustrated at him
Thanx a lot for the great information but I would appreciate if you have mentioned the ways of treatment for victims of such dad (kids) and how they grow up and have failure in relations as they always refer to this as “ You have to fix your papa truma”!! but how ? what is the solutions!! as its done and thats him and Now how can we heal and attract the right healthy person? thnx again for the help🙏
Holy crap, what if neither parent was present or adult…. I felt I was both of my parents counselor!!!😢💔😡
Thank you Dr Kim. I always look forward to your videos and learn so much which will also helps w my healing.
My dad reminds me of the dad in the Dahmer series except without all of the weird things like the roadkill..but a nice person, just extremely emotionally available, thinks everything is a joke, sides
With my narc mom
My own father tried to groom me and tried to make sexual advances towards me for the last few years until I moved out last year and moved across the country and live on my own.
Hi mam, you're right I became my mom's companion and I always try to protect her from my dad. He's a covert narcissist who is hell-bent on making our lives hell.
I think I have PTSD- I see flashbacks of ugly fights that I witnessed between them during my childhood. My mom always gave me the love and safe place that she never had. I want to give her back.
Great video
Thank you so much, very helpful! I'm looking forward to these series, especially the last type - needy papa trauma! Cannot figure a way to go about this weird constellation with my dad.
My dad was the absent and rageful. My mother divorced him when I was 15 & older sister was 16. We basically had no relationship with him from that point on. I’m 30 now. He passed away a year ago next month. Our step mom didn’t even tell us he passed away, we found out through a Facebook post.. I know we didn’t have a relationship but that hurt. On top of all of that, he was cremated and he is kept with her… so there’s no place my sister and I can go to kind of have our peace or say goodbye properly. So much regret, but nothing anyone can do..
Father and mother is ideal. something else is a detriment to children or confusion, neglect, even abuse.
Are you even listening? Plenty of shite nuclear families. It’s not the only answer.
Thank you Kim❤
I used to hero worship my mum but I realise now when she left my narc father she just protected herself, not me, and can't and won't helped deal with any emotional life.
Thank You ❤
my psychiatrist (1989) used the term "emotionally absent" it was the TRUTH ! child raising/"rearing" is an ART !
-wasn't for ME, for SURE! , nor for EVERYONE ! , some are too badly arrogantly , ignorantly SCARRED !
the male just passed on his mental weaknesses back in "ancient times" , one wouldn't/couldn't seek "help" ! but 'buried' the behavior
until it came mightily cascading down on the unfortunate offspring! i've always had WAY TOO MUCH problem just being my OWN parent ! , much less someone else's...ie: the "blind leading the blind" ??
My father always loved his children with no doubt, but was simply physically absent for a lot of time because of long hour work, and didn’t know how to emotionally be present and engage because he himself had neglected childhood, he grew up lonely and alone. He also had suicidal thoughts. He is very loving at heart. No harmful intention. I love him so deeply, but i never felt secure. I always had a feeling that i have to protect him.. can this also be a papa trauma? Because i def have daddy issue even tho i love him and he loves his children so deeply. I never felt secure.. i tend to get attracted (feel safe) to older man, i married to a man 24years older than me. I love him so much and feel safe with him. That has been what im always looking for in relationship,, a person who can provide safety for me… like father figure in romantic way..
Hey, im new to the channel and I saw you've reviewed tv shows. At least I saw the queen's gambit as a scrolled. But would you consider doing one on Bojack Horseman? It tackles mental health issues amazingly I feel like and it is an all around master class of TV writing. It tackles everything from depression, abuse, substance abuse, trauma, anxiety and also slips in some other issues out there. I'd love your thoughts. The first 5 or 6 episodes aren't the best infant I'd go as far to say they are the worst episodes of the show. After that it picks up and never stops going up. The show is a masterpiece and helped me with my depression and childhood issues with my mother if im being honest. I also got sober after finishing it and its helped me move forward in a positive direction along with having a new favorite show haha. Anyways, I'd love your thoughts on the show if you wanted to watch it. You just gained a new viewer 👍
My dad is dead. Has been since I was 2.
my daddy issues lead me to abuse drugs out of rebellion
My father is like 4 types in one
I always read of daddy issues, but never of mommy issues. Is anyone talking about the mommy issues sons have due to their mother?! And it always sounds like we need to be fixed. By "we" I mean the people that had crappy, incapable "parents" and now "we" are the problem, the machine that needs fixing. Really, I think it is time to tax bad parents harder, to cut their salary and let the money be transferred to organisations that help people who had to suffer the stupidity of so called grown ups.
You lost me at "whether that is a same sex couple or not." Trying to normalize the abnormal can never be a good way forward.
What about the sexually abusive dad? 😢
Why don’t you talk about solutions?
Hi I Prince Backman will always be a white woman slave I love you master you are my master forever I will forever be your slave I will give up everything that I own just to be at your back for the rest of my life that is where I want to be master
So we're going to blame the dad because the wife is an asshole? Yeah I think you're putting some bad information out there that's not doing anybody any good.
Whats the cure?