Where is the Line Between Enabling and Helping?
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ส.ค. 2020
- Where is the Line Between Enabling and Helping?
Say goodbye to debt forever. Start Ramsey+ for free: bit.ly/35ufR1q
Visit the Dave Ramsey store today for resources to help you take control of your money! goo.gl/gEv6Tj
Ramsey Network (Subscribe Now!)
• The Dave Ramsey Show (Highlights): th-cam.com/users/TheDaveRams...
• The Dave Ramsey Show (Live): th-cam.com/users/thedaveramsey...
• The Rachel Cruze Show: th-cam.com/users/RachelCr...
• The Ken Coleman Show: th-cam.com/users/TheKenColem...
• Christy Wright: th-cam.com/users/ChristyWrig...
• Anthony ONeal: th-cam.com/users/aonealmi...
• John Delony: th-cam.com/users/JohnDelony?...
• EntreLeadership: th-cam.com/users/entreleader...
Did you miss the latest Ramsey Show episode? Don’t worry-we’ve got you covered! Get all the highlights you missed plus some of the best moments from the show. Watch debt-free screams, Dave Rants, guest interviews, and more!
Want to watch FULL episodes of The Ramsey Show? Make sure to go to The Ramsey Show (Full Episodes) at: th-cam.com/users/TheRamseySh...
Check out the show at 4pm EST Monday-Friday or anytime on demand. Dave Ramsey and his co-hosts talking about money, careers, relationships, and how they impact your life. Tune in to The Ramsey Show and experience one of the most popular talk radio shows in the country!
Ramsey Network (Subscribe Now!)
• The Ramsey Show (Highlights):
th-cam.com/users/TheRamseySh...
• The Ramsey Show (Full Episodes): th-cam.com/users/TheRamseySh...
• The Dr. John Delony Show: th-cam.com/users/JohnDelony?...
• The Rachel Cruze Show: th-cam.com/users/RachelCr...
• Anthony ONeal: th-cam.com/users/aonealmi...
• The Ken Coleman Show: th-cam.com/users/TheKenColem...
• The Christy Wright Show: th-cam.com/users/ChristyWrig...
• EntreLeadership: th-cam.com/users/entreleader...
"Helping is doing something for someone they CANNOT do for themselves, enabling is doing something for someone that they CAN do for themselves." ~Allison Bottke
Sometimes not helping is the biggest help of all
That's what trash would say.
@ glorymanheretosleep
Aw did I just hurt your little moochie feelings?
glorymanheretosleep that’s what a moocher would say
@@daddycrimsontigerpower1756 Women should not have an opinion.
@glorymanheretosleep lol poor thing
True words of wisdom “It’s harder to help than to enable because it requires more effort, energy, and time” -Dave Ramsey
Agreed!!
My moto is help people who are also trying to help themselves
Great point! Thank you!
That’s pretty good
Chris Rock said "I'd always end up broken down on the highway. When I stood there trying to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But when I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself-people like to see that."
“You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.”
― Rev. William J.H. Boetcker
Exactly!
I know Im asking the wrong place but does any of you know of a way to get back into an Instagram account?
I was dumb forgot the login password. I love any tricks you can offer me!
If the person you "think" you're helping never changes their behavior toward self support, and you keep "helping" them that's enabling.
My mother for 20yrs. With my brother. He’s 37 and has been bill free his whole life. Now he’s on food stamps and works part time…when he feels like it, smokes cigarettes everyday. My mom has literally ruined his life and she so adamantly disagrees and sees herself as the great savior..and he’s always doing “so much better” 😓. Completely delusional and it’s so dang sad because I love my mom. I don’t get mad anymore, it never helps and she just gets madder and freaks like most American woman who scream violently at men, when they are harmless females physically. 😢
Had this happen yesterday, guy comes up to me at the gas station "my mom is dying up in Chicago I gotta get to the airport so I can go see her but I'm like pretty much out of gas (atl is like 50 miles away) could I just get some gas money man I can't miss this flight!"
I said "man I'm sorry to hear that, what pump you at? I'll put 20 bucks on there for ya when I go in"
Of course, that wasn't satisfactory and he just said don't worry about it
Exactly same story! They are worthless weak little thieves.
In some situations, the person being enabled may not even want to help themselves, so in a vain attempt to help them, you enable them by doing things for them that they really need to be doing themselves, to grow. But by doing this you stunt them as a person. Sometimes, the best thing to do for someone is to walk away from them.
People need to struggle some times.
It creates hard times. Which in turn creates a stronger person.
Many times.
I've hit the bottom and bounced back and will never go back
@@lmv2.787 same
I think when giving someone money it is *almost* always enabling, when giving someone advice it is *almost* never enabling.
Sometimes the best place to be is rock bottom. It's usually the turning point for most people
Yes and no. I can't see someone go hungry or be put in the street. I've been there and it is the absolute worst. Thankfully I had help and eventually got myself together.
Help yourself first always. Some people give themselves away, and just up enabling poor decisions. Try saying NO.
I've had trouble with that as a youth but I'm now my own person saying no
Tough love. Sometimes you have to tell people no to force them to take the initiative to take care of themselves. You will fill guilty to tell them no but you have to get over it.
I don't feel guilty of telling irresponsible people "no" anymore. It's like to the point that you are just sick of helping them because it's not worth it. Not worth to gamble with your emotions. Don't ever lend money to irresponsible people, they will take it and then hate it later if you don't lend more.
Fantastic points here. Teaching a man to fish is a lot harder than just giving him a fish!
But you can’t teach someone who doesn’t want to learn. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change
I've never seen an able bodied adult who was supported by another adult who was not their spouse actually be grateful.
My goodness this is a great one. You have to allow them to grow and people have to carry their own weight.
Ah. Mr. HELOC.
HELPING: Doing something for someone who cannot do it for themselves.
ENABLING: Doing something for someone who can and ought to do it for themselves.
Easy peasy
i needed to hear all this bc man. my family are leeches.
For me, if I don’t see someone putting any effort to change. Then I don’t help
I have only once been asked for money. I started my reply by saying, if I give this to you, I’m giving it to you, but will you tell me what it is for? Person would not tell me and I didn’t give it. I’m the kind of person that gives a dollar to a peddler but when it comes to someone I know I want to know more because if there is an issue I want to know about it. If you won’t have that convo with me, then we’re not as close as I or you think.
Im going to start doing this.
Sometimes no help is the best help. Allow them to grow and carry their own weight.
Couldn’t agree more
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Trust me this couldn’t be more true
Agreed! Pandemic is a good example. How many months should the taxpayers support those who do not save a 3-6 months fully funded emergency fund, in debt because of stupid ( cars, student loans, credit cards etc) and no side gigs etc.
Colleen Jones right
People need to learn and understand on how to help because people don't understand how helping works .
great question. here's my thoughts from many years of experience with dysfunctional family members, friends and finances lol
ENABLER: short-term focus, seeks to maintain control of other person, doesn't address or solve the fundamental problem, acts out of expediency for selfish and emotional payoffs, weak or unhealthy boundaries, views the person they're enabling as fundamentally incapable, deserving of contempt and believes this person needs them to be their savior in some way
HELPER: focus is on preventing bad outcomes and moving the person toward some mutually agreed upon good outcome, acts out of love or for ethical reasons, given out of free choice to those who ask but willing to stop helping if it's not appreciated or the agreed upon conditions aren't fulfilled, believes in the person they're helping and sees them as fundamentally capable but just in a temporary difficult situation
love this, thanks for sharing Subutai!
I wish I could give more than one thumbs up.
When an adult child living in a parents home , the second they say and through the “IM AN ADULT AND DO WHAT I WANT” card down, buy you continuing to allow them to live in your house, you are now “ENABLING “ them!!!!
"Can I borrow some money?"
"NO. I'm broke. All my income already has an assignment."
I don't care how much money you have. Always tell them that. ESPECIALLY if they call you after not hearing from them in a long time.
Not that "I'm broke" but "hey I don't have it on me the bills ate it".
I love this! I'm making a shirt of this. 😄👕
I just straight out say that i don’t lend money sorry
If I loan money, it’s only when there’s a nominal amount of interest, a payment plan and it must be secured with collateral, valued to at least double what I’d loan the person. It has to be physical property that I take possession of, so if they don’t pay off the loan within the agreed upon timeframe, I may very well sell their collateral
I think when you "enable" someone "you" are choosing to remove their "pain and suffering", and within that pain and suffering is their opportunity for growth and self reflection. Better to empower than to enable.
If you are an enabler you have an emotional issue with detaching yourself for the other person. Helping some one else is easy: this is all the help I can provide....
"Do nothing for people that they can and should do for themselves" -- Fr. Hopko. Quote straight off my coffee cup courtesy my godmother.
You can sense Dr.John always deferring to Dave even though he's the academically qualified one because he knows Dave will always come up with something excellent...
Enabling is giving money.
Helping is providing a plan.
I just wanted to say people that enable are actually convinced they are helping. I believe it comes from having a compassionate heart but not seeing God/ yourself/others right. There is also a lie that if you dont give or "help" you aren't Godly. I have watched many people and also walked thru this myself. I still struggle with wanting to help and feeling guilty if I dont. But I have also learned that sometimes you have to let people fail in order for them to grow. There are times though as well when God says to give to a person who hasn't done right or "isn't deserving" and uses the money to convict their heart. His goodness brings us to repentance. My attitude towards giving is that I want to give because God is a giver. I need his voice on giving. I believe it takes maturity and discernment to know when to give. A big factor in giving is motive. If you expect anything in return...which could mean even a thank you, that is not giving. In certain situations you need his voice on whether to give or not. Have your general rules on giving but also be open to the voice of God. He looks on the hearts of men, while we may think giving someone may "enable" them to carry on in their dysfunction God may know something we dont. His ways are not our ways.
Dave always keeps you level headed!
🙃🙃🙃
Very interesting and helpful
If you do it for you, then "yes" you are enabling.
Looks like Dave always has the right answer.
Helping someone is being compassionate.
Enabling someone is being stupid.
I know a couple that frequently talks about how much potential their 30-year-old, live-at-home son has. However, they've never helped him, just enabled his laziness. The result? The guy is a BUM. He's 30 going on 15. Because of their enablement, they get to support and raise his two-year-old daughter too.
not a recipe for a good retirement..
No way!!
Families are wonderful. My inlaws have taken years off my life.
Also Mom is scared of son bcuz he’s explosive..She participates out of fear
Awesome conversation.
Dave is spot on!!
"Enabler" is a dysfunctional family role. I think of the difference as "Am I helping you get/stay healthy or otherwise improve yourself?" or not. Great question without a clear-cut answer.
Great perspectives!
Enabling someone continue to do it for them being their crutches they never stand on their own to feet.
These old Ramsey episodes are great.
Good freakin question!
GREAT VIDEO
Oh this is solid. Just solid.
This is a Biblical Principal. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and feed him for life.”
It's not a Biblical phrase.
You can't beg your family everytime .
Helping is a 1 x thing .An enabler is someone who always bail you out .
In one of these situations right now. The response to “what happened, let me get you enrolled, how about we take a look at your budget” is dismissal. But I guess that’s okay. Good discussion about enabling.
Great answer, Dave!!!
PS Dr. D is always seems quick to pass questions to Dave to answer first.
So it comes down to what is the context of your generosity.
2:49 great analogies
7:20 emotional laziness
Enabling someone encourages bad behavior, a bad lifestyle. Generally enabling is encouraging something ungodly. Helping someone is doing what is godly and righteous despite feelings.
Can you give me an example?
@@IntentionalityMentor Families from my church helping my wife move out with speaking to me about anything in advance, little did they know she was having an affair and was just wanting to get away. They then proceeding to continue to house my wife as she went and had another affair and starting dating the guy while staying at their house. She then got her own place, which another church family helped come get her stuff and move out. To this day, my wife won't admit she had an affair and won't take responsibility and is wanting to run away from her problems and our marriage. I know firsthand what the difference between enabling vs helping is.
@@doompod I'm sorry that happen to you, Justin. It likely feels like a marriage and spiritual wound when for church family seeming aided and abetted. When instead they could have asked more questions, discovered the root cause, and address the real need (martial and spiritual support) verse the immediate want (stepping out on the marriage and seeking co-dependent support). Thanks for the sensitive personal example. "Heavenly Father, I pray for the change of heart to occur in both Justin and his wife in a manner that brings comfort, clarity, and reconciliation for your glory, their benefit, and others good. Amen."
@@IntentionalityMentor Thank you. It means a lot man.
What’s the difference between intentionality and intention
Uncle Dave love yaa
Good question
101 % so true ❤️
Don't dream about the amount you need but Dream of numbers bigger.
If someone needs say $100 for food, I would help, but if they ask a second time I would try to dig deeper. For example, when I helped out by giving them $100, it helped them out, then when they asked again the next month I found out they were taking out the bank withdrawl protection each check (2 times per month) in which they had to pay the bank an extra $100 a month ($50 per use). I helped them save $100 the next month and told them to not take that loan again or I wouldn't help. They got off of it and didn't go back into needing it.
Show someone tough love
Helping would be assisting with their need 1 time and giving them knowledge to get out of their situation so they don't need the assistance again. Enabling would be assisting over and over again because u either didn't give knowledge or they failed to do anything with the knowledge given.
7:03 i think the reason why most parents enable...
People get mad when u ask them what they did with all their money lol
dabes right. its help ths causes someone to hirt himself
I like John. He is a really nice guy, apart from being incredibly handsome. He should trust his gut more and not just wait for Dave to speak first.
I agree, I’ve been watching him and noticed he’s not too confident. Of course Dave is next to him, all that knowledge Dave has would have anyone second guessing themselves except Chris hogan or Anthony O’Neill and the other ones that come out with him. Out of all the personalities Dave does the show with, he’s the only that ask for Dave’s opinion first.
Yea I agree...when he asked Dave what he thought I was like dude this is a question for YOU!!!!! Lol
I think John is showing respect to Dave. It's Dave's show, Dave is older and has more life experience. John has never seemed insecure around Dave to me. I love the way they talk things out together. Their chemistry together makes John my favorite co-host with Dave. John is not a "yes man" for Dave. They bring out the best in each other. I've often heard Dave say, "I've never really thought about it that way..." John helps Dave think things through in a different way.
They're all good. But John and Dave are the best together, just my opinion.
JBR , great point didn’t think of it like that !
Financial helping should be for Emergencys .
About 6 Months ago. I let my Aunty borrow my car for work. She was paying me $400 a month for my insurance. Eveything was all good till her bf got in her Ear and she quit her job. Cause someone I guess caught the Virus... her dude Messed up my car... heard he put Power Steering in the Brake System and I finally said just gimmie $1000 and the car is urs. She kept telling me up and down...soon as my unemployment comes in I got you $1k all of July goes. She hasn't got her money yet. I'm starting to think she lyin. Kept avoiding me. Somone side swipped her and dented the Rear Panel pretty good.. then gave the car back to me. Smh never trust anybody again! Then my otherwise family started getting in her ear too talking about im scamming her cause she hasn't kept track of how much she been giving me. Its a 2007 impala SS How am I scamming!? When I had ppl offering way more than $1k to buy it! If I knew this would have happened I should have sold the car in working conditions! And she had the car for 3 Months! Once you let somone get all in your ear. You enable them to take over. Smh cause at some point she was paying me like clock work. Then it stopped once her bf and my lil cousins was in her Ear talking saying im the bad guy! ! ! I would never help them out again and that was my favorite Aunt. But she showed me her true side when it comes business wise! Go to my channel I do a walk around of the Crash if you don't believe me
$400 a month for car insurance? Must be some really luxurious car.
@@Uncleamo42 if you want to call a 07 impala ss luxury
Hmm $400 a month for car insurance? Isn't that too much insurance? For a cheap car? Well, maybe that was the issue that other people talked to her about. It looks like you didn't let her borrow for free, it seemed like $400 for car rental. Think that you took a risk of doing business and call it off.
She was probably careless with the car because she was paying $400 a month and was resentful. You wouldve been better off just letting her buy the car outright for a $1000. You will be surprised how much unintentional damage pinned up hostility can cause.
You should have never given that car that car is yours you own it the only time they touch your car is if only for pickup thigs at the store thats it .
For example, let's say you are sitting in an Airconditioned food court on a 100+ degree day and someone comes in and asks you, "My pregnant wife is in our pick up truck and we have run out of gas. Can you spare 10.00 dollars to help me get some gas"? If you just hand it over that is stupid because to run a pickup truck it would cost more than 10.00 and if someone is just going to leave their "Pregnant" wife sitting in 100+ degree heat 2 or 4 blocks away and they hadn't tried to ask people in a closer area first it must be a "SCAM"!
Exactly.. and how you gonna get it to the gas station or a container to put it in. I had a similar one once, they said the car was up the street out of gas. It was a lie. There was no car. I said get the car down here and I'll put some gas in it. They walked off and never showed.
Maybe if the person gets a better paying job and makes more to what they need or maybe asking for a job that will pay you way more than that.
It takes more to help and not enable because of the massive pushback when you start to say no
I need help . I am trying not to be an enabler. But my daughter needs help. If anyone what’s to help me I understand what can do 🤔
Joining up for crazy 🤦🏼♀️
Bad to see a grown up misbehaving .I will never ever enable someone again
Wow helping is way better!! I would make sure you don’t push others to do what you want because then you can get into a problem!
Whoop whoop
So what about the homeless panhandling?
Me thinking "there are some kids making 5 figures a month playing video games".
If anyone calls me to borrow money,. I asked him how much they need, then I tell them I'll call them back,. Then I don't call them back I block their number for couple of days. Till they find the money from someone else. In the back of my head I know that I'll never see that money again.
Why don't you just say no?
Everytime that you borrow money you have to give it back is not the way it goes .
What do you do if your parents are constantly asking for money because they can’t agree on their own budget? They play the blame game with each other and end up calling us because they don’t have enough money to pay the rent, utilities etc.
Just don’t give them any, & if need be, stop answering the phone.
Ask your parents is there any other jobs they can do that will make them alot of money ask them to go searching on the weekends while have a job they hace now or make some time to do that .
Parents need a job that will pay them more because more should matter in there life .
You can't beg your family members every time .
Maybe if the person gets good pay .
Financial helping should be for Emergencys not every single dam day .
Financially toxic people are like zombies, stay away from them and dont ever let them bite your wallet
What if they EXpect help? 🤔
Wane felicia If they expect it, good chance they are used to a pattern of being rescued. Rescuing is a form of enabling.
How are you responsible for other people's expectations?
Taah Daah I'm certainly not responsible for any behavior but my own, but I'm old and wise enough to know a pattern of enabling when I see it.
I need to talk to someone. How do I reach you? Desperate family in crisis...
What if they don't enable but they don't help either?
Easy, find your way to survey on your own. We can't rely on people, we should rely on ourselves.
Dr Phil tells people this all the time.
Giving a mouse a cookie
Are you really helping if you feed and house and cloth and adult every single day. This conversation can be taken beyond beyond a family member to societal issues ie the homeless, the addictive, the under privilege.
Even people in group homes for the mentally disabled do chores every day. Yet some parents ask less of their adult children.
Food and housing is a necessity. I'm not willing to let someone sleep on the street. It's absolutely horrible. But I won't give anyone cash.
@@slidegirl6005 And society, as well.
@@IreneZGoodman It is a necessity!!! And helping people to provide for themselves is a gift. We must remember that people are human being and not pets. Let s join together and help people help themselves and not enable them. Like Dave said enablers do things to make themselves feel better but this does not help the person in need.
I need about a tree fiddy
Take away: Pay Bills, Buy Food, Buy Course for help, but do not give cash.
how do u americans pay your house in like 5 years ?? in my contry that is not posible .... i make 12 000 euros a year and a hous is 120 000 euros and what to do ??? i can borrow money from the bank and i will need like 20 years to pay it back ....
I have always worked 70 hr/wk for over 50 years at high skilled jobs that most people can't do, have lived beneath my means and have invested the rest. If you remain healthy the money can pile up. However, I do not recommend this as divorce and family can syphon millions away. If I were to live my life all over I would have worked on the most interesting engineering projects, gone out with the hottest chicks, never gotten married... a colosal mistake...never had kids.. another huge mistake, traveled the world and never looked back. In other words do what makes you happy. It is your life. If having a house and a family makes you happy do it. For me a house is just another anchor to tie you down to store your stuff that when you die know one will really care.
Who's going tru the hurricane ?
I am flying through Texas in a few more hours.
Is this the same guy complaining that young adults have to move home with their parents to make ends meet? I had to do the same after college. Lived a year at home until I got lucky when a job opened across the state because some 90 year old teacher died. Sorry, that many of us couldn’t find work immediately after college. It’s like the times are different or something….maybe if the Boomers with their love of supply-side economics hadn’t destroyed the middle class we’d have had an easier transition?
So when society watches my 600 lb life, are we enabling or helping
Enabling but it feels so good, lol!
😂😂😂 Or hoarders
First comment!!! Omg 😱
Ah you had me by 7 seconds lol
Bring back saying things like they are, you think you are nice but really you are just soft and afraid to say no.
Why can't enabling mother get a better job or something. I got a lot of problem with mom. Mom and I need to meet Dave Ramsey, I'm getting really Freakin annoyed with her.