Love vs. Enabling - Dave Ramsey Rant
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 7 เม.ย. 2019
- Dave rants about the difference between love and enabling.
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Dave is like the strict father everyone needs 🙂
Dave is like the strict father no one wants.
Yes he is!
That’s not a strict father; that’s a good father
Parenting failed this generation trying to be helicopter and plow (and hammock) parents. God bless Dave R. for this and so many other rants.
@@Johndoe-us8ob no one wants but needs?
It's okay to live with family, it's not okay to have no choice but to live with family.
Exactly
38 is pretty old to be still living with your parents.
I’m a recovering enabler. I mistook rescuing family in all their craziness as love. Today, I have to OBSERVE progress towards change to be bothered with helping you. If you’re headed towards the right direction, I’ll support you on your journey towards a positive life. It took tough love to rescue me from a life headed to the grave. By God, that’s how I intend to love others from here on.
ijeoma emenanjo well said and I don’t fund crazy
Whoever comes back and can't pay RENT, then they need to cook, clean, lawncare, clean your car, you name it.
They need to EARN their keep in some way !!
I couldn't agree more! People should take the initiative to carry their weight and then some!
EXXACTLY
17 yr old just ran away because guess what? Her friends and boyfriend are far more important than school and stability. Going through rough times. Listening to wise folks like this helps ease the stress.
This means so much to me. My family has been hammocking my siblings for decades. It's angering and saddening. My siblings need "real help" which has led to ridiculous (almost surreal) life happenings. This video made me shake with emotion. Thanks, Dave.
My sibling, too. He is 49 and perpetually hammocked. I am financially independent and successful. It is enraging.
@@qkwjz thanks for your reply.
@gavinwigg8057 You're welcome. I am working on accepting what is (I can't change the enabling) and living my best life apart from the dysfunction.
I’m tired of love being reduced to smiles and hugs. Not giving your 18 year old highschool dropout money to buy another video game is love too. My wife would break into sweats listening to this
I guess I don’t believe that love is hugs and smiles...as a manipulator can give smiles and hugs too.
On the other hand, a smile and a hug from someone you feel deeply connected to, is priceless.
I do agree with your angle though. Stopping the enabling of an 18 year old is loving...it gives them a chance to see become self-sufficient, which is very empowering.
Your wife must be too afraid of what it “means” about her, to say “no”...and lay down some firm boundaries.
Too often, women are conditioned to be people pleasers, ignore their own needs and boundaries...to a toxic point that prioritizes almost everyone else’s above theirs.
They equate “no”, with not loving...when “no” can be very loving.
Hope your wife can heal the core wounds that cause her to believe that she’s unlovable if she says “no”. I hope she can be empowered and take herself into consideration.
This can take some intensive reprogramming, as that belief system develops early and is hard to break free from.
@@Alphacentauri819 the problem is that she isn’t doing it to please our son; she’s doing it to avoid her fears and anxiety.
@@SnookOnTheFly those two aren’t mutually exclusive... as a medical professional with a deep affinity for neuroscience, who digs deep to matters of human behavior, there is always more below the tip of the iceberg.
Attachment theory can be one of the biggest drivers for fear and anxiety. From those fears we create “meaning” out of what we do, what others do, the world around us. That “meaning” is almost always twisted when coming out of core wounds and fears.
I would bet a large sum of money, your wife has an insecure attachment style herself...that type of thing plays out in these type of behaviors.
Fears of inadequacy, rejection, not being good enough...and such, are examples core wounds.
Of course, there could be many, many other things at play...but attachment injury is often at the foundation of such things.
It would be ignorant for me to assume much...given the complexity of epigenetics, environmental triggers, the microbiome, gut/brain axis, neurotransmitters...
Anyways, I hope you’re supportive of her fears and anxiety. Dismissiveness, invalidation, can be tempting when we don’t fully understand...but actually makes the issue worse.
What we judge in others...we either fear and/or don’t understand. We essentially don’t “get” what it’s like to be that human. So, any analyzing comes from a misinformed place...unless we go purely for seeking understanding.
You could be your wife’s biggest cheerleader in this regard...& might see an incredible shift.
Holding space and bearing witness, are powerful and too often underutilized.
Be well
This is why it you call it Tough Love. Life isn't easy and difficult changes must be made
You are right, Dave. We have 9 children.
Somebody asked our son once.....How come none of you kids have moved back home???". Our son replied with a smile..."It was never an option!".❤
I wish more people saw it this way. I know far too many who are comfortable being enablers and allow the worst manipulators to come into their lives and milk them dry. I’ve been attacked for pointing out directly when somebody is overstepping a boundary, and it can be quite draining. Thank you for your perspective. It is very helpful and reassuring.
This is how I parent- but know VERY FEW parents that agree with me. I find myself questioning ME and my thinking! Thank you for being so confident and open with your views.
Most important part is DIGNITY
This is a powerful message. Setting healthy Boundaries really helps people change their ways. It gives them responsibility.
I never had a father figure growing up so I'm not sure if David Ramsey is my father, I'm not sure if I can survive the discipline. I love discipline maybe because I never lived in a discpline family. Keep being a father to everyone. Thank you 😍😍😍😍
Real love does not go along with crazy!
Love this rant! I had to use tough love with my son, who was on a wrong path. One of the hardest things I ever had to do but so worth it! He’s doing much better today. Because of my ‘tough love’.
Sounds like you made the right choice!
My 21 yo kid broke his agreement with me and then refused to leave. Police could not get him out -squatters rights. I finally got him out, paid $3k to a roommate situation and now that roommate wants him out. He’s crying now. I refuse to let him return because he still is not grateful. I love him but can’t enable him another day. But it’s difficult.
I’m in the same situation. I have spent thousands paying for things. Somehow my 21 y/o doesn’t believe he should have to pay ANYONE for his rent. He has been couch surfing for about a year. Never even tries to find a roommate. Wants ME to do it. Like I’m his ATM and secretary
I believe parents can be very forgiving but it really depends what kind of rules are being broke. How much trauma from childhood is present for them or are they just entitled?
Well this had my hormonal, pregnant self bawling my eyes out. Love you Dave, thank you for being such a great example of what a loving parent does for our kiddos. I wholeheartedly agree with everything, you just verbalized it and gave us very real examples.
I let my mom move in with me to get out of her own house where my 38 year old brother lived. She is a big enabler. I had a rule ,my brother could not come over high . He did and I said sonething to her abiut it and she said she dont feel welcome and is leaving. I feel like I did the right thing by standing up to what made me uncomfortable. I would be enabling and enabler to just let him come over high and not say a word.
Want to have a horrible relationship with your parents? Live together! Heck even close proximity is too close sometimes..
Yeah and wives and husbands too, any relationship where you live in close proximity is obviously super horrible
couldn’t agree more
Hear ya there. It started out ok now it's turning into being suffocated. Thank God one of us is moving farther away so we can schedule visits vs random unannounced visits.
@@Doors067 well...I tend to like Katherine Hepburn’s quote about it! “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then”.
Too much closeness is a thing...just like too much sun or too much water for some plants. Sure, they need some...but overdone is just as deadly as not enough.
Some people are like orchids and some people are like roses...the water and sun needs vary significantly.
I have a 27 year old stepson who is constantly getting himself into an unbelievable amount of debt to avoid planning to move out of the family home!
Thank you. You helped me with a terrible issue. God bless you. 💜
This is excellent,, so many people have failure to launch kids,,,, I had two twenty somethings, they would not move,help pay rent,, etc....so I did it, I gave them 60 days, And I moved away LOL ,, guess what? they survived ,,, today we are all very close and they are all doing well on their own,,, it was hard, BUT so worth it today,,
My mother allowed us to live with her while we went to college, and didn’t make us pay rent or bills during that time. But she had a strict “no return” policy once you moved out. To that end, she moved into a studio apartment until she was old enough to move into a retirement community so there was no possible way for us to move back with her, because first, she had no room, and then when she moved into the retirement community, their were age restrictions on who could stay there!
People are weak and don’t take responsibility for their lives; end of story. Enablers have the issue not the lazy takers. Dad booted me out at 17. I’ve made bad decisions but I cleaned it up & 200 books later & dozens of TH-cam’s (lots of Dave Ramsey!) I’m takin my knowledge & money to the bank!!!! Did it all on my own.
Dave is EXACTLY right!!!!!
I like you, Dave - it is refreshing how easily this gets voiced by you and what a loving, honest TRUTH it is. I want to be like you when I grow up (even though I am a little older than you) - I already have financial peace from doing right by my money, but I would love to develop your quickness of thinking and expression. I totally appreciate your silver tongue!
Real Love doesn't endorse crazy. Should be a tshirt. With a picture of the hammock
My parents didn't have an open door policy. You got out of the house you were gone. Age 16 no credit unable to sign a contract is no place you want to be. You might spend a night out in the morning. As an adult I am developing the same attitude towards them. I get attitude from them, I don't fight I don't argue I get my keys and I am out the door. Door mat days are over not taking any disrespect from anyone. I'm going to be in peace and I know just how to get it. Where there is no fuel the fire goes out.
1000% agree with everything that dave just said.
Never let someone else move back you will regret it
Tears at his comment about love not coming with crazy. That is something I just said 2 hours ago but that was about decades of someone lying about finances and making you feel like you made it up. Sigh. But it's never really about the finances.
The whole snorting cocaine sounds far more serious than a son/daughter living at home.
They always go to extremes. I'm sure there are plenty of families living together without that kind of disruption.
Thank you. I NEEDED to hear that rant this am.
🙋
Adult kids can live with their parents as long as they are paying rent or helping to pay the bills but shouldn’t be living there rent free.
If the parents are letting the living there rent free then their not helping their kids. They need to teach their adult children that life is not free and you need to contribute something to this household if you’re living here.
Additionally, the kids need to be respectful of the environment and live within certain guidelines.
If it’s an unhealthy emotional situation, it doesn’t matter if they are paying rent or not (and some will use the excuse that if they’re paying that they don’t need to follow rules)...it becomes an emotional cost.
It’s not always only the financial aspect...but also beyond that.
Funny because rich families don't follow this at all. They understand that they're setting up their legacy for the next step, paying down student loan, working job remotely, saving up for that car, house payment, and stealing money from your next legacy is disgusting. This poverty and middle class thinking. Don't take this personally it's many of the people here who shouldn't have had kids.
Right. People should do what is beat fir then and their family. There really should be no hard and fast rules about this so long it's to everyone's mutual benefit
Im trying to see this from all sides. Yes I agree that dignity is imperative. I agree that there is a specific distinction between helping and enabling- but let us not forget about humility and self empowerment- and encouraging our children to empower themselves by allowing them to make their own choices and set their own boundaries. We can co- create a plan, but stepping in and over them with an authoritative rules and expectations is dis-empowering and not dignifying and only waters the breading ground for rebellious and defiant behavior. Instead, let us give our children choices and allow them to create their own contract and goals with what they feel is fair and a timeline that is mutually agreed upon. I guarantee that if you give your children the choice to create their own a plan with your guidance rather than telling what to do- they will feel more dignified and confident in adhering to to the plan- because it was self designed.
So many parents want to complain about their children not taking responsibility for themselves, but how many parents can actually admit personal responsibility for neglect/emotional abandonment or harming and damaging their children mentally and emotionally which led their children to never be able to properly grow up and become independent?
I admit that I have troubles, and I am very self aware of my own behaviors and how they affect my own personal growth and others- and I strive to grow and heal still, everyday. How many of you- both parents and children can really take a good look at yourself and take responsibility for your actions and behaviors and how they could impact the growth and development of those around you????
The question is for you to answer within yourself. Let us always be compassionate and helpful -- because the tables always turn the other way.
Thank you for the informative lesson.
yes! so good! needed to hear this!!!!
The the 200th “thumbs up” yay! I loooooove Dave Ramsey’s rants on boundaries- they are the best!!!!!
Is there a version of financial peace in Spanish? I need it for my mom.
My mother wants me to fail because she doesn't want me to leave her.
So. Leave anyway. Shes no excuse for your situation if you are 18 or over.
You are your own person. You see enabling yourself
the devouring mother, yes... just keep your plans in the dark my friend
and strike like a lightning bolt !
I needed to hear all of this.
After reading the comments, it amazes me that so many people misunderstand what Dave is saying. It seems to me they take one part of his comment and apply it to everything instead of listening to the entire video and then applying it to the situation.
My alcoholic dad was threatening my order sister with suicide if she didn’t let him stay with her. Thank you Dave this video helped a ton 🙏🏼
My older son did this to me, he doesn’t help himself. I said no, he said he and his wife( she works) live in the car, I said ok. He then talked suicide , I blocked him. He has been helped out before and he is verbal abusing me, I know I did right , but it still hurts. But I said no
@@marieleemcgill5011 wow I’m sorry to hear that, we also say no and he stops this behavior when he’s not drinking 🙏🏼
@@chiefkeef8902 it is hard , you love you children, but you can’t let them walk on you. I am ok, I know I did the right thing that I’ve had sleepless nights just emotional turmoil but I’m I’m getting better I know I did the right thing being tough and not being a neighbor sometimes hurts. It helps knowing I did the right thing
I had a chance to move out of my house at 27 into a lower income building but my mom talked me out of it I still regret it to this day. I moved out like 10 years later at 36. Living on my own now I realize how much of a nightmare it was living with my mom.
You mean a nightmare for her right?
s 9 My mom is psycho.. My rent would’ve been $500 in the Low income place and she talked me out of it, with all her what if scenarios. She wanted to keep me under her thumb. And I stupidly listened
@@BK-tp6jf thanks man your a real one
Best Ramsey Rant!
right on time. My God. Right on time
Deal With Your Reality! You Will Be Better! Get Better In Order To Heal❤ and Move Forward With Your Life🙂❤🙏
What is wrong with charging and requiring a 24 yo to pay rent?
Nothing.
It's the best thing to do
Well said
This is perfect
Dave Ramsey #1
Very good.
Preach 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽
PREACH!
Amen!!!!
I love it
I moved out at 21 on my own! now 35! never moved back in!
My mother let our neighbor move in. Neighbor said he would move out in 3-6 months. Fast forward 3 years later, he was still leaving with us.
Storyoftheblackconservative SOBC that’s insane
Neighbor? 🤣🤣🤣 . Never heard that one before
@@TechEngineerSchool Our families grew up together. We were more like family friends.
They may be banging each other..
Should I invest 20% of my income when I get a job this summer even though it’ll be minimum wage? I’m turning 18 but I’ll be living with my parents and finishing community college early. I really want to be successful but also be able to contribute to my household. I think it’s a good idea.
This is assuming the family that you chose to move back home to are not abusive. I moved back home with the intention of being there for 1 year after a very difficult few years. I ended up staying for 10!!!!!! No matter how hard I tried to pick up the pieces, how many therapy appointments I attended, how much I tried to heal, I was met with resistance and criticism. When I cried my father said to me, "are you a baby? only babies cry!" What kind of parent says that to someone who is in emotional distress???? Tell me??! I was sued because of student loan debt that I could not afford to pay. Now please do not misunderstand me. That debt was and is mine....not my parents. I never expected them to pay any of it. And they didn't. And rightly so! But I was controlled and emotionally abused for years. When I found a job my mother was insistent about not allowing me to drive her car to GET to work. Without money you can't randomly buy a car and without a car you cannot get to work. So I asked her if she could drive me to work that way she could have the car all day. She refused and then allowed me to use it. So I would borrow her car even though she was retired and had my father's 'car at her disposal but every single day she would complain to other family members about my use of her car and I was made to feel like I was in their way and unwelcome. Quite frankly, I don't know why they bothered "allowing me" to move back in. It is quite apparent that they never wanted me there. In that time period I decided to attend school for nursing. They criticized me when I was out all day even though all I was doing was studying and enjoying myself doing so! I could never win in their eyes. It was so dsyfunctional! I was also diagnosed with an autoimmune disease while in school so couldn't finish because I was down to 78 pounds and weak yet my parents chose NOT to believe in my diagnosis. Instead they chose to believe that I was anorexic!???? I can't begin to tell you what a big mistake it was to move back into that house. If you are a parent and are willing to allow your child to move back home to better themselves.....DO NOT behave like that. They demolished my self-worth always putting me down. This is why it took me so long to get out of that house. And now...I'm still struggling because I was never supported in a healthy manner. Home was NOT a safety net for me. I am now living at a friend's home driving a beat-up car and working my head off to gain financial independence. So a word to the wise.....any adult child of toxic families....do not move back home with them. Live in a shelter before you do so! 10 years of my life was wasted and all they did was rob me of my self-worth. Grateful for my friend. Grateful now from the distance from this toxic family. I'm doing everything to connect back with myself and with God. Praying and doing the best I can to get out of major financial debt and emotional depletion but I have faith that God has my back and is helping me become the person I was meant to be. Sorry for the long rant! I needed to get it out! :)
Amen.
All I meant is I click on Dave Ramsey’s videos as soon as they appear because he changes lives
Sell your car.
“Invest 2,000 a year for 7 years and wait till retirement and you’ll be a millionaire” - Dave Ramsey
Muffin, so what is your point?
Just because you live with your parents doesn't mean you're broke, families from other cultures live with each other their entire lives.
John doe exactly man, Dave still seems to think that though
Well...as long as it’s agreed upon with all involved and everyone’s needs and boundaries are addressed and respected.
If those staying can help financially and aren’t “mooching” off that’s different.
It’s all about the dynamics, whether control, codependency and toxicity play a role.
Set conditioning, ways of being, can also be used as manipulation... iex “our culture says we all live together so you can’t kick me out”...can be used in a toxic way. “It’s the way we do things”.
As long as that manipulation isn’t played, and all parties are in agreement...I don’t think Dave would speak against it.
I think they are just stating warning signs that things are going south. I am sure if they had disabled or sick children they wouldn’t throw them out.
Yes yes yes yes 👍
May I ask your advice on how this would apply to an adult child that has chronic illness or disabled (physically, mentally, or invisible disability)?
U go boyyyyyiiiiii lol
I plan on living with my parents after college to pay off my students loans and saving a bit and then I'm out.✌
ALXSSA that’s the right to do it
Gross
Sadly, my Mom is an enabler to her deadbeat sister. How can I talk to my Mom about her enabling her sister?
I lived at home until I was 20 and am 28 and never moved back yet
Nice bro I'm 20 right now wanting to do the same
Good for you ❤
Dave. A year has passed. No change at all. College graduate. Age 42. Will not apply for a job and have never had one. Do I simply let him live under a bridge? Simply turn him away? Call the sherrif if he refuses to leave?
you've enabled this for like 15-20 years ? lmao
dude needs to find God in his life brother if he hasn't figured life out by that age (never had one) so how did he buy things for the past 20 years of his life ?
What will he do when you die? My guess is he will become a man.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Does this apply to a 29 year old disabled son who doesn’t apply for financial assistance?
Depends on what you mean by disabled. Why doesn't he qualify for assistance?
Sorry but there is a price to pay for letting them stay home after 25, for everyone. Parents will pay and so will the adult kid. Yes I sympathize. Rent is expensive. However the longer they stay the worse it gets
💯
Why can't you just pay your parents bills or rent a room from them?? Dave you're a millionaire, so how would you know?
You know, he wasn't always a millionaire.
Because he wasn't always a millionaire, that's how he knows
Go to church on Sunday? Do I get to choose?
"leave the cave-kill something-and bring it home.
Good advice for your kids and the man in your life (some of y'all know what I'm talkin about..lol)
*PREACH*
I like Dave but I disagree with parents kicking their kids out of the house.
My mom put me out when I was 21. I am now 24, and that decision changed my life for the better. Yes, I struggled but it taught me to be an adult.
Olivia Howard some kids do it to save though
@@IWantToMature85 it is good to save. There is nothing wrong with living at home. It's just different strokes for different folks.
Were not talking kids, be said adults. Lowest age he mentioned was 24, and yeah, if you havent gotten your act together by then, kick em out.
Funny because rich families don't follow this at all. They understand that they're setting up their legacy for the next step, paying down student loan, working job remotely, saving up for that car or savings, house payment, and stealing money from your next legacy is disgusting. This poverty and middle class thinking. Don't take this personally it's many of the people here who shouldn't have had kids.
100% false. This is absolutely not my mom. Someone said my mother is an enabler and that is not true at all. She's a very honest, blunt woman and everyone knows that. No mother is perfect but she's very close to it.
I wish my daughter could move out. She's mentally handicapped so will eventually live in a group home with strangers after I'm in Forest Lawn pushing up crab grass.
Roxanne Gordon that’s good that she gets to stay with her mom though. She can’t control her situation.
It might not be a bad idea to find her a place to live before you are pushing up crab grass! She will need time for the adjustment and you should be able to enjoy your life. It doesn’t mean you’re abandoning her.
I'm for all of that except "you will go to church." Forcing someone to go to church never works and is never a good idea.
@Antonio Romero Yes and it is what causes many people to resent church as well. I was forced to go to church as a child despite hating it and to this day I will never go again. You will find many athiest were forced to go to church as children.
I agree. Force causes resistance. If a parent trained their child the right way they won’t need to force them to do anything. I think some parents forget that their kids are separate human beings with their own thoughts.
@@vanessalynn4064 13-18 yr olds often have thoughts and actions that are destructive to themselves and others, you cant encourage it.
Boundaries are essential in society to stop the human race reverting to its awful feudal past.
He was just talking about what happens in HIS house.
Can someone help me with this question I have a 401k at my job I have a hundred thousand in it is it better to roll it into a Roth I am 45 years old just want to make the right move
Leave the money in the 401k.
@@loro1rojo thank you
You will be faced with a tax bill but you will have a large advantage--you can withdraw contributions penalty free and you won't have a required distribution starting at age 70 1/2. I am making a video about the different accounts as we speak.
@@ChrisInvests awesome thanks for the advice
@@johnbiggs3899 Anytime, that's my job!
I just disagree with Dave on one point - in my house we do NOT go to church on Sunday and you do not pray, share scripture, or pedal religion - because I too am a control freak.
... he's just making a point.. 🙄
He is just saying what will happen in HIS house. Did you hear well?
@@ecclairmayo4153 yeah I was kind of mocking it you dummy.
This is under the bulshit rug !
What about moms grieving living with their baby daddy , who gives them alcohol bc they cant function bc they are I'll and on top of it have other family issues? Buddy , you are hypocrisy on people not understanding that drug addiction comes in all acts of life . You said drug enablers are week instead of strong shows me your hate. You are sick
And I didn't mean to write who gives them alcohol. That was a typo. I ment the mothers