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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 5 มิ.ย. 2024
- When we feel low or sad, we need to feel like we can count on our loved ones for support, guidance, and love to help pick us back up. However, sometimes, words of support that may seem positive can aggravate negative feelings and emotions. Toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting that encourages us to ignore emotions, devalue problems, and impose unreasonable optimism. But how do we know that the things which we say or that we hear, are toxic? This video explores some phrases which seem harmless but may be toxic.
Disclaimer: This video is intended for educational purposes only and is not written to suggest that if you have used or have heard any of these phrases said to you, that they are necessarily toxic. It is more about being mindful of how they could be interpreted as toxic depending on the situation. If you have any concerns, please confide in somebody you trust.
Writer: Jade Hamilton
Script Editor: Rida Batool
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Chantal Van Rensburg
TH-cam Manager: Cindy Cheong
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#toxic #phrases #psych2go
What other "harmless" phrases can you think of that aren't mentioned in this video? Comment below! Let us know if you ever been told by these "harmless" phrases, and how did it make you feel?
🖇I love you I like your channel🖤 😐🚬
Hii .!
@@user-uj7xk4sb3v I love you
Thank you, phych2go.
Hii
Toxic people don't surprise us anymore, truly lovely people do
Yeah
Yeah
Toxic
People
Don’t
_"It's not the worst thing in the world"_ You're right, it's not. But it's the worst fucking thing in *MY* world right now though!
This fraze is genuinely infuriating
I love that. I'll use that more now: "it's the worst thing in *MY* world right now."
Some people just don't understand... Stay Well you are not alone ☮️☮️☮️☮️
IKR?
That, and all of it's iterations (It could be worse; Others have it so much worse, and etc) just make me want to punch people in the face. What, are you saying it's OK so long as I'm the absolute worst possible MINUS ONE???? What the person is really saying is, "I don't have the time to care/bother with you/listen to you, so shut up." It's so dismissive.
Best to you, Jennifer. Whatever you're feeling.
The phrase "I've been there too" is actually not bad, and neurodivergent ppl use it a lot to help each other. It's useful for the person to know that we empathize with them, we understand the situation and feeling, and they're not alone.
It depends A LOT on the intention and the other things one accompany it with
This. I use it as "I get you and this is a safe space to vent about it" and not as trying to one-up or something. When someone says that to me, unless they follow it with "that's nothing!", it's so useful, because it is the people that have experienced the same thing and can relate, and that is so rare to find sometimes 😣
THANK YOU!! as an autistic person, i’m so sick and tired of people assuming what i mean by it, getting offended, and then using it against me when i’m just trying to show them they’re not alone 🥲
+1 i use it in positive way to empathize with others and help them with thier feeling because i struggled with mine a lot when i was younger, and having someone who can understand and help me is something important that show ,,hey I've benn in pep hole like this too, but it will get better, and i be there for you "
@@bellarina exactly, me too. my autistic friend shares their troubles and I do with them, we have nothing else to say because words don't have to have hidden meaning behind.
I want to point out “I’ve been there too.” Is a difference between neurotypes.
Neurotypical individuals will often express empathy as “I’m sorry that happened to you.” and seek the same kind of phrases in response to their troubles.
Neurodivergent individuals, such as those on the ADHD and Autistic spectrum, will seek to to use “I’ve been there too” and tell a personal story to show they truly know what you’re talking about and how you feel. It is a gesture of “You’re not alone and I’m here with you to help.”
The reason for this is phrases like “I’m sorry that happened” can feel cheap and devoid of meaning to those who are neurodivergent, like they’re being brushed off with general pleasantries. This is where wires get crossed. Because a neurodivergent person trying to help someone neurotypical in this way can make it feel like they are “stealing the conversation and making it all about them”. Both parties mean well and want to help, but sadly can miscommunicate.
This is so true! It should be comforting (unless that person literally adds "it's nothing!").
I get the same with apologising... Neurotypicals get annoyed when you add the "but" and explanation, all while I am trying to actually make them feel better by explaining what I meant and how I did not mean to come across rude or insensitive etc. Like to me, that is so helpful when someone takes the time to explain why they said or did something that upset me, especially when apologising, because anyone can say "I'm sorry", but that won't reassure you why any of that happened...?
as an autistic person, you literally described exactly how i feel.
@@bellarina this is really relatable to me. i experience this a lot, and i hate when people just say “i’m sorry..”, especially if they don’t explain why they did what they did- and ESPECIALLY if it’s when i’m confronting them on something and they just say that and continue their behavior, instead of changing and improving.
like- if i’m upset about something, i feel like that deserves more recognition than someone spouting out random pleasantries?? ya know? i actually wanna communicate and connect with people (especially due to me not being able to very often, because of me being on the spectrum), not toss a few empty phrases back and forth and call it a day.
@@dangerous_lime_ Exactly this. All this talk about communication being important, then it's normalised to smalltalk and say stuff just to say stuff. I get being polite, say the please and the thank you etc, but genuinely apologising just isn't a phrase to get it over with. The person doing the apologising has the right to explain themselves, especially when they did not mean to upset someone, and the person receiving the apology has the right to know why whatever happened did happen...
Of course some people will still try to just talk their way out of it, but in those cases, they'd do that anyway, why knock communicating 😑
The constant need to say the right things instead of being genuine, and when you go with it, suddenly, you're being problematic. Just why. Real conversations are so rare... 😥
@@bellarina fr!! it’s so frustrating, and it feels like no matter what i do or how much i always try and be the best version of myself, i’m always doing something wrong. and it feels like i’m demonized for it or something- not only is that damaging to my mental health and self esteem, but it also just doesn’t make any sense?? in fact, if you think about it, nuerodivergent people are the ones that don’t make the most logical sense. you’d think they’d be the ones that are “different” or “weird”, but no. it’s “normal”to not say what you mean, be dishonest/lie, have empty and meaningless/pointless conversations, etc- things like that are so normalized- kind of like how stupidity has been so normalized. (that’s not me saying that neurotypical people are automatically stupid, tho lol. anybody can be stupid- i just wanted to clarify that agshdbdb)
and i also agree with saying “please”, “thank you”, and overall being polite and having manners. being polite and nice is very important. (especially when people assume you’re being rude by everything you do, no matter what you do. like with me, i use “pleases” and “thank yous” to show my intentions, lol.) i just can’t stand empty words and phrases that are supposed to be “sympathetic”, it drives me nuts sometimes.
also, speaking of “pleases” and “thank yous”- thank you for replying to me. it feels nice to actually talk to someone who gets it and seems real, even if it’s digitally. :))
(sorry if i got a bit ranty there, i just find this topic to be really interesting and intriguing lol)
"You're just using ADHD as an excuse of being lazy" this pisses me off the most, they don't know
Shit I say this to my brother all the time 😶
Wait till you get those who feel like listing your "disability" in all its stages as reasons you dont belong there and kick you out, saying you should
Work on self improvement
While knowing full well this shit aint going to improve
Every fucking job ive had, hired me while knowing i am damaged and still have the guts to make me aware more and more that i am never going to fit in, that i am broken and where i am broken, sayung i should fix myself
Only fucking fix is death so i guess i know what they wanted me to do...
To want to and can’t is a constant battle
I get this in regards to my anxiety and panic attacks.
Well their video yesterday certainly wouldve been nice for you lol. Anywayss im so sorry people dont understand your condition...unfortunately, it happens to the best of us, people just write it off as an excuse or a way to seek attention.
"There are people who have it worse."
I really hate _that_ in particular because it makes the person who hears it feel guilty or bad for being 'ungrateful' or 'childish because they complained about something
Saying, "don't be sad, people have it worse" is like saying "don't be happy, people have it better"
Oh yeah. I hate that stupid saying about how you shouldn’t complain about having no shoes until you think about the man with no feet. Grrrrrrrr!
Tired of being minimized and dismissed!!
Agreed! My ex used to say that all the time to try and “comfort me”.....did not help at all
F*CKING THIS. I’m so d@mn tired of being told this; yes others have it worse, but I have issues too!!
Yes!!!! So what if someone else has it worse, does that make my pain less real or more bearable? No!!! It's not a competition between who has it worse, if we're sharing something with you we just want a listening ear and support, not that sentence. I mean, people throw this statement around so casually but honestly? Even if they mean good, they have GOT to realise it doesn't help.
The worst one I tend to hear is "there are so many people worse off than you /me", especially when it's people going through a rough time. I try to gently remind them that, yes that is true, but the thing they're going through is valid and should be addressed to deal with it and hopefully get through it. Otherwise keeping the mindset of "people are worse off" all the time is not going to help you at all
Whenever I wasn't hungry at mealtimes, my mom would say that I should be grateful to have food because so many poor children were starving. I'd sometimes answer that I'd be happy to give them my food. 😊 And if that got me sent to my room for a time-out, that was fine because I wasn't hungry anyway.
There's nothing wrong with being humbled. It's a perfectly healthy emotion, and positive to be told, especially when you're young and learning about the world, that it's important to remember and be glad with what you have rather than be depressed about what you don't have.
"Well, what do you do when you've lost all the ambitions you once had?
What do you do when the slightest inconvenience makes you sad?
Pretend that you are happy, and smile when you're feeling down
If your friends think you're happy, they'll still want you around
You'll realise it's important to be glad with what you've got
So just pretend you're happy, and keep quiet if you're not."
My partner used that for a while, without realizing how hurtful it was for me while having meltdowns.... i eventually started telling him "well other people have it better too, does that mean I'm not allowed to be happy either."
That shut him up real quick...
That saying can promote arrogance and false "superiority".
That's a side effect of the phrase working as intended.
Always been on this mindset and never told anyone abt my problems it didn’t work it fucked me up badly
Toxic versions of these sayings:
1. "I don't care what you're going through, to me, this is more important."
2. "Maybe it was a good thing that this happened to you, despite all the negative after results."
3. "The dead deserve more sympathy than you, cause they literally can't fight anymore."
4. "I don't actually want to help you, but I don't want you to get mad or think less of me because of it."
5. "GET OVER IT ALREADY!"
6. "You're problems need to shake the world in order to be worth caring about."
7. "What a drama queen."
8. "Because you didn't listen to me, you deserve whatever happens to you."
9. "I know what you're going through better than you do."
10. "I'm so glad I'm not you right now."
11. "I thought you were better than this."
12. "I'm being a great friend/parent/ therapist etc. but this person is too stubborn and ungrateful for everything."
Hugs to you, the person who said that is a disgrace x
@Fred Mitchell oh yeah, I heard a lot of "Grow up and act your age!" and "You have no right to cry." I couldn't turn 18 quickly enough!
Dad?
This is usually what they actually say by these sayings
Now these are actual toxic phrases. everybody had said to me the things in the video but those didn't really affected me.
REMEMBER to say when feeling down:
“I will not allow anyone to walk in my mind with dirty feet.”
"don't touch my soul with dirty hands"
👍👍
Sounds like a Uppercut don't ya think?
Wow I’ve never thought of it like that thank you now that I’ve seen this and read it I will definitely be using this and passing these words of wisdom and others
Wonderful phrase 💚
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself." Yeah, that one REALLY helps.
"Stop self pitying when you get yelled at or insulted"
Me: BRUH YOU INSULTED ME,IM NOT SELF PITYING IM GOD DAMN CRYING BECAUSE YOU'RE ALSO FORCING ME TO EAT ALL THESE VEGETABLES WITHOUT ANY SEASONING,GOD DAMN IT
People: "Don't be afraid to talk about your emotions, open up about your problems!"
Me: *Tells life story*
People: STOP VICTIMIZING YOURSELF COWARD YOU'RE SUCH A CRY BABY
Oh, god, my mum uses that a lot.
"Oh gosh, Mother, I'm sorry if your depressed, introverted son having a mental breakdown over the fact that he thinks everyone in his life secretly hates him after you just told him that he didn't have any real friends is an INCONVENIENCE TO YOU!"
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, though
@@user-zq1wm6ge1f you're welcome! Always happy to help
"Men dont cry."
"Youre a man, youll be fine."
"Some people have it worse."
"Be a man."
"When i was at your age."
"Army wouldve changed you for the better." (There used to be mendatory army sevice in my country until the 90s adn yes, THAT is considered a harmless phrase here)
"You shouldntve done that."
"I told you, everyone is bad."
Geez, i dont want to share more. Theyre already pissing me off. And yes, ive heard all of these and more countless times all throughout my 26 years of life.
The toxic masculinity that a lot of people expect to see in males pains me especially how it tells other males to be emotionless and aggressive (or something like that)
@@eimiku3011 Yep. And sadly its way too normalized. Especially here.
I've always thought that it's primitive and barbaric that we teach boys to NOT cry. I think women get the shaft on political and economic rights, but men really do have the toughest cultural rigors to bear.
Ah yes, the Army. The institution that systemically desensitises young men into 'yes man' killing machines who end up nervous wrecks and can't function in the real-world anymore.
“Men don’t cry” that literally is the worst phrase ever
One comment that makes me hugely angry when they say to me is " just remember other people have things worse than you. It always makes me upset because I'm not saying I have it worse. I just know that my pain feels unbearable. Makes me feel like my pain doesn't matter I feel devalued and shame because I know some people do have it worse. My pain needs to be expressed too. And I didn't do it for attention. Thank you. Video was awesome as usual.
One thing I really don't take kindly to is people who are insensitive to other people's pain, whether physical or emotional.
I have always hated that. I always say that while it is the truest thing in the world it is also the most useless. It can always be worse. I use this analogy: if you are assaulted it could be worse, you could be dead, or on the other hand, it could be worse, at least she is gone and doesn't have to live with that. Just because it can always be worse doesn't mean you aren't hurt or struggling.
My moms advice when she did something I didn’t like was “get over it!”
Thanks mom ☹️🙄
Yea. Just because someone out there is suffering worse than you, doesn't mean it invalidates your own sufferings. While the meaning of suffering is subjective here, but it's true.
@@Lavenderrose73 some people say they'll kill themselves for the smallest of things, so that phrase does have good points.
I am afraid I have unintentionally hurt many people
Same.
me too :(
Same. I’ve used some of these phrases before but only because I’m depressed myself and don’t want others to feel the way I do, so I often try to encourage them or to find a positive part in their bad situation.
I did not know "you're strong so you'll deal with it" was one of these hurtful phrases until now and I feel bad for the people I tried to compliment
Same here :(
“Before you argue with someone, think to yourself is that person even mentally mature enough to grasp the concept of different perspectives. Because if not, there’s absolutely no point.” 🙏🏽
Thank you!
For what I saw, most of the time who argue don't want the other to respond, they actively want the other to collapse and let themself be manipulated, using them like tools.
Exactly 100% true
Wow, this hits me right where i feel it... I have a en incredibly immature toxic friend that I need to talk to let's hope that it doesn't go wrong=)
Beatifully said 😄
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Yeah, last I checked, having my leg blown off doesn’t turn me into an Olympic gold medalist. Same principle applies to the psychological
"having my leg blown off doesn’t turn me into an Olympic gold medalist. "
So how is your state of mind or intellect, as compared to before having your leg blown off? In what way have you benefitted (if any). Obviously, mottos slogans and pithy sayings have some limits.
Paralympics
yeah but did you die?
@@Okarabouzouklis you missed the whole point there.
People who say that are so dim - "what doesn't kill you" has a deadly effect upon a person's psyche and bodily systems. I bought a great book toxic positivity by Whitney Goodman and it is spot-on. Genuine people will listen and bear witness to your suffering without making it about them, but they're thin on the ground mate. My own mother says, "can't you just enjoy the springtime and leave the past behind? Life is too short". I've had chronic PTSD for 13 years😆 after burying my only child who died of cancer (8). Schools should be teaching kids humanity instead of all the other toxic shit.
Back when I was at school I kept being told "These are the best days of you life, you should make the most of them." This left me with the logical conclusion: "You think your life is bad now? It's all downhill from here!"
Because its mostly true
That comes from people always acting like your whole life is over once you turn 30. As if you're not capable of making your own choices in life. It's such a cynical outlook.
My dad's favorite: "You did this yourself." Yeah, dad, that's called "making a mistake", thanks for rubbing it in.
I can think of rare occasions when this might be a good tough love approach. Like an 18 year old gets drunk, crashes the car and has his license suspended. Then whines all day about how cruel the system was to him, and why don't Mom and Dad and pals drive him wherever he wants to go. A "you did this to yourself, stop trying to blame others" might be what he needs to hear.
@@Himaryous Yeah, too many people blame the world for their own mistakes. They need to be told they're responsible and to think before acting next time.
To err is human. Learning from your mistakes is key.
OOf, that’s awful
@@Gaze73 Those people take ego to another level
1- You might not want to listen to me but I’m gonna say it anyways
2- Everything happens for a reason
3- The things that don’t kill you make you stronger
4- I’d love to help you out but...
5- Time is a healer
6- It’s not the worst thing in the world
7- That’s nothing don’t worry about it
8- Don’t say I didn’t tell you so
9- I’ve been there too
10- Well if I were u...
11- You’re strong so you’ll deal with it
12- I only want the best for you
Thanx😘
my stomach is KILLING ME and it started a week ago so for days on end i felt like my stomach was melting. MY MOTHER said that it's nothing and that it'll go away.... it hasn't.
Then here comes my sister, her stomach was also hurting for a few days and she told her it has been hurting for a while and my mom got her some medicine. So i asked her why does she ignore me but my sister gets help and she said "because you can deal with it" MY SISTER IS 8 YEARS OLDER THAN ME- just because i dont talk to her about what im going through doesn't mean its not there
Personally I think *"don't say I didn't warn you"* isn't toxic, bcz ppl usually say this before something happens. Which indicates that the person didn't just leave him to suffer he warned him and sometimes it can actually save someone
It's just an opinion, I'm just saying it's not always bad don't be mean!!
Thanks luv ❤️
Thank you
While this video is helpful, it can backfire and cause people to say NOTHING at all, out of fear of saying the wrong thing. (We’ve all said at least one of these things, not knowing what else to say).
Yep! Some safe-space snowflakes aren't worth interacting with at all - anything and everything you say will be (sometimes deliberately) misconstrued. Best to leave them to stew in their own misery whilst you concentrate your efforts on worthwhile people.
@@robertstallard7836 ‘Oh, this person is having a rough time, so I’m just not going to bother trying to support them at all and leave them in the dust for “more worthwhile people”. ‘
@@theneedyelf8867 Sometimes nothing _is_ harmful.
There's a lot to be said for saying nothing. Listening can help.
@@niftyskyblue "Sometimes nothing is harmful."
Or at least not helpful. However, it also avoids culpability and entanglement.
“It’s okay, you did your best.” That made me 100x worse. I had very low self esteem and that phrase made me think that even my ‘best’ is not enough.
If you have low self esteem, you probably would still feel that way no matter whar anyone else said.
@@ElanaVital83 That's a good point. It however does not negate what they said. It sucks when your only chance was horrible, shitty, and the best you can ever do, all at the same time. The thing is that isn't true, but it will definitely sound like that.
Instead encourage the idea of indefinite opportunities (which is honestly more realistic). Or even just a few more tries. The "best" thing you can do being connected to something you do bad, of course should be avoided. But that often can't be. These terms on the video are knee jerk reactions for a lot of people, including me. I have also been the recipient of some of these, which sucked. These things are just hard to deal with.
If anyone has low self-esteem, and is overthinking the saying, when people say it they usually mean, "you tried your best, that exact time. You were still warming up, or there was something unique that made that try not as good. Next time will be different. If it isn't, who cares, I'm still supporting this person." At least that's what I mean when I say it. A lot of the time they aren't even referring to your actual best (even though they use the word), they are just referring to that moment where you tried, period. People just have a really hard time saying exactly what they mean. That's why the game of telephone gets so incomprehensible.
Sometimes your best isn't enough, though, and you may fail at something in spite of doing everything right. That's a lesson that everybody needs to learn, because you shouldn't be tying your self-worth purely to results.
That phrase is usually used to put emphasis on the process, not the outcome. The process is arguably the most important part as it is where growth and learning takes place. It also means that it's okay to not "ace" something because what is important is not the outcome, but what you get out of the process you went through to reach the end. For instance, what you learnt during your studies are more important than your test results. Think of it this way, would you rather have a surgeon with a 4.0 GPA who is rather clueless 'cuz cheating and what not, or a 1.0 GPA surgeon who knows exactly what they need to do but sucks at academic writing? Moreover, sometimes individuals are not in the right circumstances (such as being burnt out) and may not have sufficient resources (such as insufficient training) to achieve something, thus making the expected outcome almost impossible to achieve or simply more challenging than it should be to be achieved. Therefore, not achieving the expected outcome is okay and understandable. What matters is the investment you put into it and into yourself along the way.
Regarding low self-esteem, no matter what people say, a lot of it are most likely going to sound unpleasant and triggering for you, which is completely understandable. How you feel about those phrases are valid, regardless of whether or not those phrases are good or bad.
I, however, would advice you to improve your self-esteem as it would benefit you in the long run. Self-esteem is tied to mental health and performance. Regarding performance, when you are confident in yourself, in your abilities, and in your capabilities, it would positively impact the outcome of your work. Whenever you feel like you can't do something or you are inadequate for it, it could be reflected in the outcome of your work. So, if you'd like to improve and maintain your mental health and performance in the long run and in a sustainable manner, you can start with your self-esteem. It might not be an easy journey, but self-improvement is self care, and we all deserve self care.
Everyone has room for improvement, so please don't feel inadequate when you spot a room for improvement for you. Nobody is perfect.
Focus on the journey, not the outcome. It'll make the journey better and it might even be reflected in either the outcome you're currently working towards or the next one.
Also, if you're interested in self-esteem's association with performance, you can look into organisational psychology. It's an interesting topic to look at.
Have a blessed year ahead! ♡♡♡
There are two phrases I have heard which are okay on their own but I think work together very well. One is from GBBO and its "Everybody's best is different, you can't always be THE best but you can always do YOUR best" the other one which I'm not sure where I heard it is "If you only have 30% to give that day, but you give 30%, you still gave it 100%"
As someone said, we shouldn't tie our self worth to results, especially one time things (like exams) where circumstances may have been against us. But you ARE allowed to be sad, disappointed etc at the outcomr, those are healthy and natural things to feel in the aftermath, but try not to direct that disappointment at yourself. If your best was not good enough This Time, see what lessons you can take for Next Time, there's always a next time (or a different route)
“I’m not trying to be rude but...” or “No offense but...” are the worst things you can say, you are being rude and we do take offense.
Yeah... Looking back, I used to use those. I didn't know they could be harmful, and the only reason that I did use them was because I honestly am a really blunt person, and I feel the need to use those phrases so that if I accidentally do offend someone, at least I warned them first, or let them know I'm not trying to be rude. My best friend dumped me because I offended her on accsident, and from then on I always felt like I needed to say it so that others wouldn't be hurt...
I'd say that depends entirely on what follows those words.
I've had people say that to me and what followed was the most benign stuff ever.
Yeah, you probably had it different.
But I still do think that it's case-sensitive.
i agree
These two phrases are saying that, “I’m about to be rude.” And “I am going to offend you.”
I mean... I still use that often, but usually only after I've been asked for advised
For example when someone asks me for art adviced
"I don't mean to be rude but... The anatomy doesn't look right"/ "the lighting doesn't make sense" etc
Also... Frankly, if it's done after asking for advice or after even saying you don't mind being told honest opinions,
Then I'd say it was to be expected.
Of course, even with this, it doesn't mean that we can go overboard
(Accidentally sent without completing the reply)
13. "Your social anxiety is just a mindset you need to change"
Oh man... That's what my father's been saying to me all these years without even knowing the harshness of it
My grandma says this to me, so I'd say your user is pretty accurate-
my parents say that to me once...
Well I can relate with this I guess.
toxic phrase, absolutely, but it doesnt sounds even close to "harmless".... geez whoever says this thinking they're helping really should just keep their mouth shut
Gotta admit, I’m fairly guilty of “I told you so,” but I’ve only really used it in cases where someone’s decision also directly negatively impacts myself in addition to them after I’ve given advice that could have avoided it.
I've said that teasingly, but I don't think I've said that if someone was actually hurt.
I definitely give a pass to those who said it because a negative outcome affected _them!_
Pretty sure " i told you so" is a parent's favourite
My mother likes to use "I told you so" after she did not (!) give me useful advice. I'm so glad that I moved out. The last time was when I was looking at kitchen material catalogues and she told me which colours she prefers and that my choices are bad. Later when I came back from the kitchen planning meeting I told her that I had no clue about ovens and other devices and was worried if I chose right. In fact I did not even know that ovens would be spoken about and was feeling embarassed.
She said that phrase and that at that time I didn't want her technical advice. Probleme is, ovens were not mentioned when talking about the kitchen furniture materials (...) Nothing was said about it. I was not hurt per se but flummoxed and feeling left alone.
I don't think "I told you so" has to be bad but it should only come in either light situations or after someone tried with all their power and passion to truly help and was turned away.
I say it sometimes too, but just to one of my closest friends. She always asks me for advice beforehand and I tell her not to do what she is planning to do and she ends up doing it anyway. Then she tells me how horribly wrong it went and I always look at her " you should have listened to me-" or " I told you that was going to happen."
Next time she is about to do something critical it happpens the same way, she never even takes any advice from me and does some crazy stuff.
By now you can say thats practically our whole dynamic, she is the hyper friend constantly doing bs and I am the one trying to stop her but she never listens.
One that always gets me is "I'm sorry you think that", its not an apology for their actions and they're shifting the blame onto you for feeling that way, really unexpectedly backhanded when you think about it
moment you use "Sorry" anything you say becomes meaningless, it's a hollow word that never helps, and indeed would blame the other for the inconvenience, always try to avoid sentences with that and try to be better with it
See, here's the thing. Depending on the situation, they may say or do something that you don't like and that upsets you. But if in their mind, they were in the right to do so, they have absolutely no obligation to apologise for it and it can 100% be on the offended persons side.
In many ways, someone saying "I'm sorry you think/feel that" is pretty much their way of saying "That's how I feel on the situation, it's not changing". They shouldn't have to apologise for their thoughts and feelings any more than you/anyone else should. Just sometimes means you need to go your separate ways.
This is, ofc, presuming they aren't just being an absolute asshat to begin with and purposefully trying to gaslight you etc.
My ex used to say that every time I always mentioned to her how I feel unsure about our relationship and I hate the lack of consistency in our relationship. "im sorry u think that" my thing is if you were sorry why do I have to keep telling you about it you're not changing.
Yeah, or when people go "I'm sorry IF I hurt your feelings" when they know exactly what they did.
@@Grigeral This is a good point too
I DO feel comforted by people who say "I've been there." That's NOT the same as "I know how you feel." When I told someone I was sick with a particular condition and they said "I've been there" I felt less alone. If I lose a job and someone says "Been there" I feel reassured that it's not just me.
It depends on the context and the person! ^^
I agree, when my little sister passed my mom took it hard but my aunt who had also lost a daughter helped her so much through that time because she understood how it felt
It's more the self righteous types of people. Like for example a friend could be feeling such deep depression, no way out of something that happened to them, and considering suicide as an actual option. Once they open ua it's the worst....
Even worst still, this "sympathethizer" over there that is they rotter
Mfilled it up to the T _to go go go
@@jennagrosskopf7962 There is some British slang here I don't quite understand. UA? Mfilled? T_to gogogo?
Me either. I always feel better knowing I`m not alone to face this or that. "Been there" means "I understand how bad it is and hope you`ll feel better soon".
“Because I said so” is just something I can’t stand, or understand
That was one of my moms favorites. We don’t get along well.
Thanks for sharing another "harmless" phrase. I hear that a lot from others too! - Cindy
Yeah, I remember teachers always said that to me at school. Bruh, that just tells me you don't have a valid argument.
@@Psych2go also when people say did I ask?
Honestly that phrase is a sign of weakness because they can't come up with a valid argument, so they just use their power as an excuse. It's really annoying.
“Children are resilient.”
This one isn’t so much a saying, but consider the fact that FEAR and RESPECT look the same.
What I remember as a child is having a pretty good idea of just how vulnerable I was.
that would have certainly made me feel like nothing I went through would ever matter to them.
The whole fear and respect thing, imo, fear is commanded and involuntary. Respect is given and entirely voluntary. The two in no way look the same.
i've heard a lot of these sentences before from both toxic and loved people, I and it just made me feel that no one cares about my problems, so I stopped showing any reaction or response to anyone and I end up seeing like I'm the toxic one here.
@@CalculatedTheNumberOfTheBeast Thanks dude
"Someone drowning in a pool is dying as much as someone drowning in the ocean"
I forgot the exact wording but I've never forgotten this phrase since I heard it and it goes to show that saying other people have it worse doesn't help at all
Heck, they put warnings on those big buckets because you can drown in 3" of water! So you could drown in a puddle/bucket if you're unlucky...same goes for us "sensitive" and anxious people. We need to stop being treated like garbage just because other people have it worse.
The phrase is something like “” you can drown in 2 inches of water or an entire ocean either way you drowned”
But isnt it easier to get help from drowning in a pool than in the ocean?
@@Aethelhadas well that's unfortunately true, some problems in real life are easier to solve than others. The metaphor still applies here. It is easier to save someone drowning in the pool, but that fact isn't making them drown any less.
@@Aethelhadas ur missing the point. It’s wayy easier to get help in a pool. The purpose of the phrase is to validate whatever struggle u are having saying that just because someone else has it harder (ex like swimming in the ocean) that doesn’t change the fact that ur problems are still big and hard.
how about "you have no reason to be depressed"?
my mother said this to me after I spoke to her about my feelings. and now I just feel invalid and guilty
Don't take her word for that. Clearly she has no patience for that, now you know she's probably not someone to look up to for your feelings. I've heard that phrase, it's perhaps the most toxic one of all.
@@katielien3778 thank you
It's a really toxic one. People who say words like that never dealed with depression. Please don't be mad at her for saying that, I am pretty sure she didn't mean to harm you.
And please remind yourself: Your feelings are valid, no matter why you feel depressed. I want to share something with you, that I read once, wich helped me a lot:
"Everyone is entitled to their own sorrow, for the heart has no metrics or form or measure."
@@Leshantra
..Same
3:52 I hate this quote,just because people have been through more doesn't mean you're feelings
aren't important
#9 is tricky because relating to others' situations is the default neurodivergent response and it's often the only way we can formulate usable advice. The follow-up is really what determines the toxicity. For example, if the person says "do exactly what I did and if you do anything less for any reason then you're a lazy loser" - or something to that effect - then it's toxic as HELL. But if the intention is clearly to let the sufferer know that they're not alone and/or is followed by advice drawn from their own experiences that's presented as an example of what could be done instead of what *has* to be done, then it's not toxic.
"There are people who have it worse."
Well damn, thanks. Knowing that people are starving really cured my hunger mother 😀
Saying "don't be sad, people have it worse than you" is like saying, "don't be happy, people have it better than you"
*sarcastically* Yes, knowing some people can’t afford basic necessities and are orphans sure cured my emotional problems!!
@@yummydragon8533 🤣🤣😭 got me dead
"Don't worry people have it worse!"
Oh wow yea thanks. Anxiety cured. Everything is so great now thanks for basically invalidating my feelings wow thanks. This is sarcasm if you can't tell
Yeah, at this point I don't even tell my parents my problems.....It's come to the point where they just make me feel worse
*Parents are shaking as they get exposed.*
“Parents don’t have many defenses left, end this now!”
Few phrases really depends on situation and/or timing.
E.g. "everything happens for a reason" sounds more optimistic rather than toxic **provided that* the struggles that I experienced had been fully processed and that I had moved on from them.
It turned toxic if I was still grieving or trying to process my emotion and thoughts regarding the matter. It sounded as if the pain worth the suffering when I was still struggling to identify that emotion properly.
I do number 9 a lot, however I try to acknowledge that it's different for everyone and that I sympathize and they're not alone in their struggles. It's very common for neurodivergent people, such as myself, to try to relate/sympathize by telling an anecdote from their own life/sharing a similar experience. A lot of us find it difficult to express our compassion in a different way and feel validated when we hear someone else has made it through similar things.
Yes I like to share my own experience with you for you to understand that I know what you're going through I don't do it trying to compare our situations I want you to understand that I understand how you feel and your feelings is 100% valid:) only depends on how you use it
If someday you felt lonely remember why
In my experience the harshest of responses is usually the ones that actually helped me thru problems so here's my PSA for the class. "Never assume the nice guy is your frnd and the asshole is your enemy you'd be surprised how often it's the other way around.
1. "You might not want to listen to me, but I'm going to say this anyway." 1:16
2. "Everything happens for a reason" 1:46
3. "The things that don't kill you make you stronger" 2:20
4. "I'd love to help you but..." 2:58
5. "Time is a healer" 3:17
6. "It's not the worst thing in the world" 3:51
7. "That's nothing! Don't worry about it!" 4:29
8. "Don't say I didn't tell you so" 5:03
9. "I've been there too" 5:30
10. "Well, if I were you..." 6:02
11. "You're so strong so you'll deal with it." 6:34
12. "I only want what's best for you." 7:04
I hope I could help! :)
@The Tech Gamer 44 seconds ago
12.
Narccicists: *STOP EXPOSING ME ARGHHHHHH*
thank you.
Thanks
Have a Great day/night!
“Just be positive”. This can be such a useless and sometimes annoying comment in my opinion.
Ik like you can't just tell someome to be positive and expect them to already be positive after that
SHGDHWKMWGSKAMG THATS WHAT I NEED HELP WITH YOU FOOL
@Sofia Gudiel ikr
So wat should you say instead??
@@easyxyg
It helps if you listen to understand and not listen to reply. Acknowledge their feelings and just be there for them. Only they can process their feelings and in their own time. You could say:
“I see / understand that you are sad. Would you like a hug?”
“No wonder you are annoyed. Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” - more often than not just sitting there with them helps. If you know they like receiving affection you can stroke their arm for example.
I think a better title for the video would have been "12 'Harmless' Phrases That Could Be Toxic". I used to hate a lot of these phrases, but as I battled through my own mental anguish and problems, a lot of them began giving me strength as soon as my mindset and perspective changed. I no longer saw these phrases as pity or shame, but as a reminder of my blessings and inner strength. Context really matters, especially with communication. A toxic lover may say "I only want what's best for you", but they just want control. However, a caring parent may say the same thing, and really mean it without taking control; they simply do want what's best, and their wisdom could be valuable.
tl;dr take things with a grain of salt, and look into the context of what people really mean with these phrases. Hope that helps those who may be tired of hearing these phrases, but can bring new meaning to them so it's a bit more tolerable.
My mother's would say " I STILL love you.". Wow, how big of you. My father's fav was write " I am stupid" one hundred times. I still hear both and I am almost 80. I am now the grandparent/parent of a 13 year-old because her mother died 2 years ago. I am constantly striving to improve, thank you for your wisdom and support. It is greatly appreciated.
When your own parents tell you "ive had it worse, your fine" to invalidate your emotions....😓 i know that.....
I know that too well... 😟
I hate it when my mom says that to me
i hate when my mom tells me that. its like if you had it worse you'd be dead by now. she doesnt now how much i cry at night trying to stop myself from ending it.
I’ve wanted to stop playing sports because it makes me anxiety reasonably worse, and my mom justifies it every time by saying it’s “just a phase” and that’s how she felt when she was in high school. It makes me feel like crap every time and causes doubt the creep into my mind, even though I know it isn’t a phase.
@@shaolin.r anxiety is not a phase. I feel you. Im being forced into phycology rn for my (at least) 7 different mental disorders and they don't even know about the worst ones bc i hide them. Most are anxiety disorders of different types. Ive learned to cope with most of them...but its frustrating being told its just a phase. I used to be in sports but im not anymore bc of that and i regret dropping out...but at the same time i don't deal with that stress anymore. :/ there are ways to push through it, it most likely won't go away completely but there are ways to get past it. Whatever decision you make, make sure its what you really want. 💛 if you need me, im here. Ill try my best to help you.
"Time is a healer"
My dad told me the opposite, after my friend died my dad told me "btw the pain never ends, it never goes away, it's just easier to ignore sometimes"
The less harsh way of looking at it is: Time doesn't really heal all wounds, it just get's easier to cope with the pains.
My mother has a version like this: Time doesn't really heal, rather it puts things into their place.
So yeah basically you just learn to deal with it.
My dad also adds *life's a competition, everyone tries to bring you down so you should work hard every. Single. Second*
I hope you’re alright, losing a friend hurts a lot :(
I lost a cousin not too long ago and the phrase that got me through it was "The pain will never go away, you'll just get better at handling it"
My dad tells me "it's not the worst thing in the world" a lot along with "other people have it [so much] worse". While he probably has good intentions, I don't think he realises how negative they actually are and how much they really hurt me.
Did you talk to your dad about it? Tell him it doesn't help.
You know, I’ve been trying to heal from a very toxic and abusive childhood- and I notice toxic traits in myself- this has been helpful because I do noticed I say things like this with only good intentions in my heart. Thank you for bringing this to my attention!
I once told someone "I don't personally know how you feel, but I have seen how you feel and I know that what you're going through isn't easy," and I think acknowledging their struggle in that moment helped them more than saying one of these things that was mentioned. Sometimes you just gotta be real with people.
Love this
Absolutely
I love this!!!
True. If we are to give a common theme to toxic advice and seemingly nice things to say, it would probably be a "try hard attempt" to cheer up someone without genuinely acknowledging the struggle the person is going through.
At its core, it's a wrong target case. The would-be adviser is seeing the person's state of distress as the issue, something to be taken down instead of progressively digested and worked through.
What makes positivism toxic is when it comes at the cost of denying less-positive realities and mindsets and the casting of unrealistic positive expectations. To top it off, that kind of behaviour is never consensual or both ways...
@@kainslegacy78618 I totally know what you mean, because I know someone who often responds like this. It feels like your struggles aren't even acknowledged and instead are being compared to something else, which obviously doesn't help in this situation and only feels like an invalidation of your feelings and emotions. It's exhausting, because you know the person only wants the best for you, but at the same time your struggle is seen as a problem that can be solved by "thinking positively", which it, most often than not, can not.
yes so true! nice job :D
You missed this one
“That’s just life”
It gives me the impression, if that’s all that life is, then why be a part of it?
Sadly, believe me I'm grieving while I'm writing about this or every time I think about it, it's true. It's true because "they" have made / manipulated every little encounter, every job, relationship to work based on toxicity without (most) people realising it ( manipulation) thinking it's something normal or as it's supposed to be. There's a perversed / twisted reality and people don't actually know what is "normal" or not anymore. The saddest part is they don't care. So they take anything they grow up seeing / believing in their blind mind as truth or as " that's just life". Almost everybody has agreed (willingly or unwillingly) for this world to work on, insanity disguised sanity, rules and everyone who sees the truth and speaks it is alienated, pushed aside / bullied. 😪😥😓 It's the world we live in and thus " that's just life".
Being a part of life is about trying to show those forces who's boss. Humans adapt nature to suit their needs, as opposed to adapting towards nature; nature doesn't bend us, because we bend nature. Our species has such immense dominance of reality, yet oftentimes choose (arguably deliberately) to relinquish that power. Sometimes, it's done subconsciously through self-sabotage. Other times, it's about facing circumstances at which we really have no power over - like we can't bring friends or loved-ones back from the dead. What helps me is a quote from a video game: "Focus on the things we CAN control." And there are quite a few workarounds to most issues of heartache...even when there's no solidly idiot-proof answer to wash all the pain away. The phrase "That's just life" means negative experiences are an inevitable part to existence, not that negativity is an absolute and inescapable truth.
Of course, this perspective comes from someone with a particularly barbed outlook on life, so...might want to take that all with a grain of salt. I am not a psychologist, so again, don't take my word for it.
Ces't la vie...
I use this line a ton on myself. "That's just life" or "That's just the way it is"
@@thetruegoldenknight truth!!
I do feel comforted when someone says "I only want what's best for you", although only when i have a close relationship (Any relationship, not just dating) with that person.
Thank you. It's reassuring to understand why some of these phrases make you feel worse and you're not necessarily being ungrateful. I notice it's the people who just want to get the issue out of the way and not really want to provide support and listen, who tend to use these phrases.
“Everything happens for a reason” hurts me especially badly nowadays. About 2 years ago, a dear friend of mine died in a car accident. There was a surprising amount of people who thought that they were being helpful by saying that phrase to me. I didn’t want to be told that my friend dying was in God’s greater plan because that just feels needlessly cruel.
Bingo.
“Everything happens for a reason” ... I can’t stand it either.
My ex told me that after I confided in him about my sexual child abuse, I answered back with “there is no universal force which makes what happened to me meaningful or necessary, it happened, it shouldn’t have but it did, there’s nothing more to it, so please don’t say that again” pissed me right the fuck off, but he understood and never repeated it.
And this is part of the reason I don’t blame atheists, irrelevant of the truth.
I only use that one for things like failing a test and not real life things
My daughter is 13 and I’ll be more aware on how I speak to her. This was helpful. Thank you!
You're a good mama!
Valid mom
@@jacquiejy Ty
Woohoo, awesome mom :0
You are the type of mom the world needs
I normally say it’s okay instead of don’t worry about it or even just I forgive you cause it’s easier to say
Thank you for another awesome, thought provoking video. We have been the recipient of all of these sayings( a few by well intended people...though most of the time by uncaring narcissistic ones). As someone who is able to read body language well, We only felt lonely but not offended by the first ones. Instead of all the toxic positivity, we would prefer someone saying, "I'm here for you,no matter what"(then consistently act on that statement).It has only happened to Us once,so far and that was with an awesome therapist that retired.It was a blessing and a relief to finally not be judged or shunned for just being Ourselves. We've always tried to be there for others (esp those we care about)...the "empathetic,listening ear,shoulder to cry on,the needed hug,companionable silence...waiting to be needed but appreciating distance/boundaries,etc,being the "forever friend". Always accept everyone as they are for who they are( We seldom ever had that happen in our existence).Sorry for the rambling.
And please stop telling people who just lost a loved one that “They are in a Better Place”... most folks don’t want to hear that right away... it’s salt in a grief stricken wound. After my fiancé died in a car accident 2 weeks before our wedding, I heard this so much in one day I had to curse the 20th person out... I said “he’s in a freaking hole in the ground... how is that better”... I know they meant well... LOL😂
I hate hearing that so much. As an atheist, I try respect other people's beliefs but when my granfather died I just wanted to yell at all the religious people around me stop trying to force their coping fantasy onto me.
That's heart breaking to hear! My Heart goes out to you ♥️ I'm sorry for your loss ♥️
@@mievaselli7910 can I ask? Can you be an agnostic Christian? Like, can I believe in the good philosophy of God and stuff but not be so sure that He's there or He exists and stuff...
@@CommissarChaotic My boyfriend is an atheist Christian so why not? He said in his heart he is a Christian and in his head he is an atheist. He attends church.
@@Catlily5 cool
Any ADHD friends here who can relate to “you just need to clear your mind off unnecessary thoughts”
What a genius idea that is!
It is physically impossible for me to clear my mind. Thank you for relating to me
My mind is basically a mayhem at any point.
Well.. I have ADHD.
For anyone who does as well, keep your heads up and remember the world is nothing but a jerk for the most part
Also said to me yesterday, along with "you need to calm your mind and not focus amd worry about (issue that has been seriously affected my life for over 18 months now that has really impaired my ability to function).
Thank you guys for replying to me and making me feel like I am not alone in this! I am so happy to see people I can relate with!🙏🏻💖
Personally telling myself it could be worse makes me feel better. I understand how for some people it doesn’t but personally it helps me focus on the good things in my life to help me push forward
That's what I have to tell myself as well when I'm going through tough times, someone always has it worse..
Once again, thank you very much for this informative and inspiring video. As I watched it, I remembered a few situations that were particularly painful for me. I spoke to a friend who, although well intentioned, did not really help me.
Often, when I confided in him, he tended to use a moralizing and infantilizing tone, like “You see. I told you so.” or “You didn’t listen to your doctor”.
Another example of toxic positivity is when that same friend brought solutions to my problems that did not clog reality. He often talks to me about the many “resources” that society offers to its citizens facing all kinds of problems. However, upon examination, I quickly realized that these famous «resources» were far from being as numerous and extraordinary as he boasted to me. Either because they required financial costs beyond my reach or because the opportunities and the timelines were completely inappropriate. In other words, this friend had no idea what he was talking about, having never had the experiences I was talking about.
One last example is a few years ago, when a gang of thugs were psychologically harassing me. This situation lasted a few years. At one point, I almost thought I was losing my mind. And all this friend found to say was not to take care of it, that, although these individuals were young adults, they were going through their phase of adulescence and that phase ended around the age of 27. As if, by the age of 27, people with deviant behaviors were miraculously becoming perfect, mature and responsible citizens. Or, sometimes, he accused me of being sensitive, or even making up these problems (unintentional gaslighting). I know that I did not imagine these situations. That problem has ended. But it has nothing to do with an alleged period of adulescence. It’s just that they moved. I know, because they lived around the corner from me.
Please, forgive me for being so long in my examples. But all this comes down to saying that being well intentioned is sometimes not enough to help others overcome their problems.
“stop crying”
“I don’t want to hear you cry”
yeah yeah, all I wanted was a break :)
Everyone does
I’m trying to calm myself down, mom. You don’t have to make it worse.
Everyone tells me this which makes everything worse
"Why are you crying? Your tears won't help you"
BITCH it's the same as stabbing a person and asking "Why are you bleeding? It won't help you heal"
@@hiiloveu1521 why is that actually funny how you described it-
To quote Stephen King- "Time apparently did nothing but blunt grief’s sharpest edge so that it hacked rather than sliced."
Nice
He's brilliant, isn't he? I always liked "God made men and women smart enough to land on the moon but stupid enough to have to learn there was no such thing as forever."
This reminds me that I need to read his latest book.👍🏽
So true, it leaves the soul scared and still bleeding. Not one to help with the healing just added insult, tearing and a good stab now and then.
Tiny tots are in touched by pain, it's the world and emotional non-support that no longer exists in a family environment. Anger in a parent figure will be delivered to the child and it's not easy to go out and be "Nermal" in the world. (There is no such thing as normal, since we are all different.)
I HATE when people tell me ‘its not as bad as…” when I’m literally crying. It does not help in any way. It just makes you feel guilty for being upset over something that is serious to you but now seems ‘trivial’ in comparison. People get sad over different things and it’s important to understand that no matter what you should NEVER write it off as ‘not that serious’ because that’s how people (like myself) develop problems with understanding that my feelings are important or should be listened to.
I'm not sure "toxic" is the best word here. People often just repeat what they heard, and the animation implies malicious intent. I think it would be more helpful to explore bad communication practices as just being that.
Yes, I agree with that!
Some phrases used on the right time may not be as *toxic* as portrayed, it is most commonly the case of right intention wrong timing.
Like the phrase, "Don't say that I didn't tell you" is actually an effective way to remind kids why they were not allowed to mess with certain stuffs, like scissor or climbing high places, despite the adults' effort to minimise the potential danger.
But, if the phrase was used by teens towards their grieving friend who just got dumped, it ended up sounding overly presumptuous, like "I know best" attitude.
This may not be the best examples, but yeah..
yeah I say a lot of these, it's just what I've learned and heard from others over the years. I really don't know what else to say lmao
@@mouldylungs that one I suffered badly too. I was used to being gaslighted and guilt tripped at home that I ended up communicating in that style, which pushed away the people around me even more 😰
The "I told you so" was the hardest to get rid of so far, because I'm used to enjoy that snappy know-it-all attitude 😓
Agree - it's as although you are not allowed to say anything to anyone these days without potentially offending. I'm definitely guilty of saying some of these phrases and not maliciously, as I've had people say them to me. Context and timing is always key.
Amen. The word toxic gets thrown around way too much. Not to impressed by some of the shown examples either. If I were a waiter and I spilled soup on a customer, and the customer told me "that's nothing, don't worry about it" it seems weird to understand that as "you don't acknowledge my right to feel guilty for spilling soup on you." That's what the example suggested to me anyway. Feel guilty all you want, I would too, but also be grateful the customer is being understanding and not throwing a fuss.
"Look who decided to come out of their hole" or similar snide remarks directed at introverts
"Be a man" when telling guys they aren't allowed to express emotions
Anything where people try to use their age to invalidate your opinion/argument
Oh yeah the "Look who decided to show up" in front of lots of people you don't know at a house party is just annoying and embarrassing. I HIDE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THEM BECAUSE LIKE MOST PEOPLE, IF I KNOW THEM I WILL GET HEARTBROKEN BY THEM REALIZING THAT THEY'RE FAKE!
I personally haven't heard the "Be a man" phrase (well, I might have in other words,) but I do tend to try and "kill off" my emotions a lot for "perfection." All so I can do great academically, stop making mistakes, that sort of thing.
Also the classic "I didn't know you could talk" or "I didn't know you could smile" and stuff like that
"look who decided to come put of thier hole!"
me: 👊 🧑🖕
People seem to think they can say whatever they want to introverts. I've literally gotten "Do you have any friends?" more than once before. Why do people think it's ok to ask questions like that?
Thank you for the love,
I really feel now through the people who worked on this video that I'm not alone and it is completely reasonable to be upset when this one person in my life tries to give me advice I get upset hearing, and yet would use the negativity to blame me for feeling and retaliating the way that I do.
He keeps giving me advice I don't want to hear. I feel understood, it feels like a friend giving me strong encouragement that I'm feeling and behaving perfectly fine for not wanting to hear it
I heard a lot of this phrases a lot and I felt worse afterwards than before. It reassures me that it doesnt only was my imagination. Thank you for this great video. They all help me a lot.
I have always hate it when im telling someone about something that is either upsetting me or stressing me out and they say, “thats life” or “suck it up”.
that or "life isn't fair." oh yeah dude guess that makes it okay then. like ????????????????????
I’d say “it is life, but youre you and I’m coming to you in trust, hoping you’ll be able to soothe some of it.”
I had a friend respond with "bummer" when I told them that the person I was close to in this world died
Or they say "just move on"
My mom is so toxic that i don't even know if she understands it or not. She acts SO angry and surprised when i tell her that her gaslighting and manipulative tactics won't work on me that i truly don't think she understands that what she is doing is traumatizing. She likes to talk that i've became "spoiled" and started talking back. No,i've just learned what you are doing and i don't want to be run into the ground by you.
Oh, I relate, they never take any blame for anything, they always do whatever is necessary to say you're the wrong one and they're the victims. My mother says "my only mistake was protecting you too much, you became soft and sensitive".
The fact is that she did the opposite of protecting, she neglected all the hurt and bullying I was receiving from everybody and from herself and I always had to protect myself from her.
She even got to the point of saying "in heaven, the children choose their parents, so it's all your fault because you chose me".
This is when I realised there is no point in discussing anything, she doesn't want to get better, she wants to continue being toxic and play victim, that's why it never worked to talk no matter how much I tried all my life.
Whenever I have had problems with grades or learning she rather told me that I'm "worthless, stupid, good for nothing, a failure" instead of talking with me in a normal way so we can find a solution. And she thinks she is an autority and she won't listen when I tell her how I feel, she even mocks it. I don't think she is capable to even try comprehensing how it is to be someone else.
She finds bunch of excuses and "proofs" of why SHE is always right, excuses to (not) do things, and she doesn't apologize even when she knows that she f*cked up.
@@LinguaSerbia as if you had to prove yourself worthy of being her child. She's tye one who chose to have you, you didn't choose anything, she's the one who has to prove herself, this inversion is the worst, you're not a servant.
I hope that all of you are doing well! If anyone needs it here are helplines
www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/crisis-hotlines
www.therapyroute.com/article/helplines-suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-from-around-the-world
thank you so much for this video. im taking care of a person with severe depression and- i tried to not say all of these but i was guilty of “ive been there too” and “i only want the best for you”
i feel guilty. but i know that it wont help
again tysm ^^ 💜
Nothing puts more pressure on a person going through an anxiety attack and aggravating their sense of failure than hearing a cheerful “don’t be anxious “
For me, "everything happens for a reason" is something I tell myself when I'm going through something hard. I don't interpret it as "I'm suffering because I made a mistake". I interpret it to mean that my trials will one day make me a stronger and better version of myself. And I've found that it's true. I've gone through a lot of hardship over the years, but without it, I wouldn't be able to empathize as easily with others. If I hadn't felt suicidal, I wouldn't have been able to save my sister from suicide, because I wouldn't have seen the signs.
Good to know some people see it this way, I was really worried I may have hurt myself or others by saying this in the context of, “Hey, I’m here for you, and it’s not okay right now but life goes on. We will continue down the path of hardship together.” Like, embrace your pain but don’t let it consume you
You are a great example for why it depends on the situation. I'm glad you can look at it that way. It's not toxic, if you feel comforted by it. Sadly, a lot of people can't see it that way. It can be hard to go through though times "because there is reason", if you can't see the reason and everything feels meaningless.
I hope, you can keep your point of view on this, because it's one of the things, that make you great!
I have a sligthly different version than the "everything happens for a reason".
I call it "you can make something good out of it". Like learning, being able to relate better to people who have gone through the same thing, building emotional resilience, etc.
It may not be the best thing to say to someone else, but I tell it to myself and it works quite well
My friend once said, "What doesn't kill you will try to kill you again next time in a more miserable way. Life is like the Final Destination movies." I took this as a wisdom. A very valuable advice without toxic positivity. I even laughed after that. I forgot I was sad.
I might would modify that and say, "What doesn't kill you will only try again even harder to kill you. Make sure you get rid of it this time, otherwise you'll be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life."
That's pretty sound advice either way.
I really wish there was a way to instantly tell everyone in the world about your channel. It's heartfelt care towards a subscriber-base that sorely needs it, myself included. Life is hard, and it's gonna have it's downs... but you're never truly alone. You always have an inner beast, one you can rely on. That being said... I hope all of you are having a great day, and a merry evening.
I love these video's! People can learn a lot from them. It is very important that they listen carefully though, because interpreting any of these points wrong could possibly have a negative effect.
As stated in the video some of these phrases might actually be used by people who have good intentions. Some people might get mad when you use one of these phrases, even when you don't have bad intentions and from my own experience I've learned that getting mad is never really helpful. Getting mad might teach you something, it is a valid emotion just as any other emotion, but I think acting/reacting mad never helps.
Thank you so much for making these video's! I hope to watch way more of them in the future! I would love to see one or more video's on anger!
"I'm just saying."
That phrase bugs me. Its normally after something offensive, and they're trying to pass it off as not.
Exactly! If you’re “just saying” it, then why did you say it in the first place?
This phrase makes me so angry, really
As a person who uses "I'm just saying" at every fitting opportunity, it doesn't literally mean what it says. It actually means, "I want to be in your face, I feel I am entitled to and I want to be sarcastic and if you don't like it, it's an invitation to start a confrontation. Which you would usually refuse to because I'm just saying that you want to continue a shallow end fake positive relationship /friendship. "
Just sayin'. 😁
This phrase is i.plying that what they say is the rule of law and you cannot sway them to believe otherwise.
These same fools will often say "no offense" right before/after saying something offensive
Many of these are not toxic in and of themselves. They depend entirely on the situation, the people involved, how well they know each other, their intentions, and how the receiver perceives them. Honesty and communication are key. Both parties have to listen to the other.
Thank you, I was worrying that I was hurting some people when applying the phrases. I feel like some of them are appropriate at times
She said that in the beginning of the video
@@edenrosenberg9141 Yes, but I think it's important enough to repeat.
Oh thank God someone finally said it
We know, smart arse
I would say we all have our toxic traits, and best we can do is to try to learn from them. I realize i have used some of these words unintentionally in the past and i think its because they has been said to me (bacically ive been educated to think this way my whole life and its the biggest reason for using theme even without notising what they might do). Its good to be aware about our own toxicity so we can work on it and become better version of ourselves i think
I have been guilty of some of these phrases and did not realize how little compassion I had shown. God forgive and I pray that I will be a better friend. Thanks. 😊❤️
“Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.”
- Will Smith
Will Smith is a great man 💖💝🧞♂️
He said it well.
I'm sick of being gaslighted & demeaned by my own family that I actively avoided conversing with them more than anything else.
@@marzipanmerci1068 your not alone 😌
"I'm the parent, you're the child."
"It's going to be okay."
"Time heals wounds."
The only one that’s truly toxic is the top one. The bottom two are not if said correctly. “It’s gonna be ok, you’re not gonna fail cause you got a B instead of an A.” And “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Take all the time you need.”
The top one tho... it reminds me of something...
My mom gets mad quite a bit. Sometimes, when she shouts, I try and ask nicely if she could not yell (because I can hear her all the way across the house), and then she snaps, “I pay for us to live here, I can do what I want.”
I mean... yeah... but you can disturb the neighbours... or give them the impression you could be verbally abusing me.
But yeah... it’s something...
Do you know how many times I’ve been told “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” I’ve heard it a lot and it never made me feel stronger or better. Wow good to know. Thank you.
One harmless thing my mom says is: "I just want to know, that you are happy." Or "I just want you to be happy/fine/healthy." Or any variations of that. I know that she means no harm with this and is trying to tell me that she doesn't judge me as long as what ever I do will make me happy, but that sentence is the reason why I'm great at faking a smile and not telling anyone when I feel bad or am struggeling with something, because I don't want my mom (or anyone) to know, that something is wrong. Because it feels like she doesn't want to know that.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world”
It shouldn't be used to discount a person's feelings, but should be used when someone is making a big deal out of something trivial. That video game you've been waiting for got delayed a month. “It’s not the worst thing in the world.” so don't go sending a death threat to the developer.
Oh thank Faterns, someone in this comment section, who still is able to apply reason!
@@Beleidigen-ist-Pflicht Everyone in this comment section is able to apply reason
@@yummydragon8533
I wish it were to be true
@@Beleidigen-ist-Pflicht why do you think that? anyway?
@@yummydragon8533
*sigh
Sursum corda est status quo commentarii
Aperi oculus tuos.
On the “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” phrase. I once saw a quote that was “The same water that hardens the egg softens the potato.” Just because someone gets stronger from an event doesn’t mean everyone will. Treat people so they don’t feel weak or useless. If you’re not sure what to say to comfort someone, don’t say anything. Sometimes just being there for them is enough. ❤️❤️
Heavy on the last couple lines, if you are just there it shows more sympathy and care than any word can provide :)
That's a really beautiful quote.
Initially, it sounds rather funny but it is quite the perfect comparison. Not everyone reacts the same way to the same situation. It's always important to be kind, patient, and understanding to other people, especially those you don't fully understand.
Thank you for sharing this quote. I really appreciate its meaning.
“it’s not the worst thing in the world.” Remember everyone, suffering is not a contest and you don’t have to “prove” you’ve “suffered enough” to be worthy of love and help. This phrase and “Well it could be worse.” in my experience can be used to unintentionally belittle your pain and experiences. My Dad would often use phrases like that to be like “what I deal with everyday is so much worse than that, so how can you be upset over this ‘little’ thing.” Which can lead to self doubt, disconnection from feelings, and difficulty recognizing when you’re in pain and when to seek help. You’re all deserving of love and understanding, I wish you the best. :3
Honest question regarding number 7. What should I say instead of "don't worry about it?" Because I do that a lot. Thing is, when an accident occurs or someone makes a general mistake, I'm genuinely not put off by it at all. Mistakes happen, and I'm not gonna hang these things over people's heads. So I say with complete and utter sincerity, "No worries. It happens." I don't wanna disregard the other person's feelings, but like... I don't wanna make things worse, you know? Lmao.
I know what you are saying. Especially if it's like a person socially, "tread," on you. Like they potentially violated one of your boundaries. In that instance I would say it is okay to be like, "don't worry about it/it's not a big deal, I don't mind at all/I forgive you :)."
I have however used this term in a negative way. My brother was upset about something not connected to me, and I said it as a way to tell him to stop. That's what it was. I was telling him how to feel so he wouldn't be upset in front of me.
I think it just depends if one has the right to influence another person's feelings. Or, if they have the right to give you their opinion on what they want you to be feeling in that moment.
It's the difference between, "I forgive you," and, "calm down."
I believe your sincerity is the key. It is a pretty good reaction instead of other reactions I got for accidents or mistakes. If you think that your action is not enough you could try to let the other person help make it right. This way they won't get the feeling that you think less of them for the mistake and get a chance to make it better.
In my childhood nobody told me that it was "fine" or "not to worry" - at least as far as I can remember - I was most upset when I was sent away to not make more accidents.
I don't ever mean it in a bad way
I hear your "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I counter with "What doesn't kill me doesn't kill me."
Mine is usually a snarky internal comeback like "what doesn't kill me makes me want to die a little more" lol
@@ErrorNotFound-nl1sh I was referencing Next to Normal, but I do fold to your contribution.
@@blueturtle3623 Aagh sorry, I hadn't heard of that😅
@@ErrorNotFound-nl1sh Why sorry? Your response is great too
What doesn't kill you?... Can leave beyond F'ed up for a very very long time... Or can just kill you later... But definitely leaves you in a weakened state... There are things you just can't bounce back from...
That moment when you realize you use most of these phrases to try and comfort your friends....I am sorry
hey friend like they said it’s a situation by situation basis and that some of us have said these and meant well. You had no ill intent. Sometimes it will be the right thing to say to one person and with another it won’t be, it can be hard to tell but just assess the situation as best you can. It sounds like you really care for your friends and i’m sure they know it
Like my father sayed to me : "Poeple apologize when they can't or don't want to do anything about it"
. . . This is just one example.
@Toxic Butch your the only toxic damn person anyway :| even your name says so.
If you actually read the damn comments you would know how hurt people were by these phrases
@Toxic Butch but "Toxic Butch" is essentially right, who is to say this channel doesn't propagate perfectly legit phrases as toxic?
@@imafvckingqueen8724 yeah obviously they are really sensitive half the stuff in this video wouldn’t hurt someone 🤷 it COULD but probably wouldn’t
"Everything happens for a reason" can make somebody think that they can't do anything about there problem and that anything that happens to them is just meant to be
“You’re overreacting” is the worst saying ever. If you can’t empathize with someone don’t even bother saying anything like that, a kind I’m here for you is better.
Edit: to the people who felt this or heard this before, there’s always people there for you who’ll understand :) not everyone can give emotional support from my understanding but it doesn’t hurt to be kind either way!
I can feel that
I can feel that too
how bout both depending on the situation
I'll only say that if it's seriously a major overreaction. Otherwise I just go "Okay, breathe.".
An unfortunate volume of times with my mother.
Ugh same with "you're being dramatic". It's so invalidating. Even if I AM being dramatic, my feelings are still real and the reason I'm making a big deal out of it is because it's important to me.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world”
Ugh how much I dislike this sentence. And have a hard time digesting it when I hear it told to others. Like you are not feeling what the person is feeling So how could U compare their pain to someone else’s? It just makes me happy this video exists because ppl (Included I) should learn to speak in a manner that won’t hurt the other and understand before saying something that might hurt. We should learn to use our words as a superpower that might just brighten someone’s day.
Hope u guys have a beautiful day/night/evening!🤗
And thank u psych2go for existing ~
From a person who loves (and misses) words of affirmation, totally agreed
The funny part is that people who DO have it worse than you ALSO get told that others have it worse than them. It's an ongoing cycle of dismissing people's problems, big or small.
Woah, calm down! That phrase isn’t the worst thing in the world ;)
Hey do u like stray kids?
I read that while the video said it lol
I absolutely loathe these statements. I am so relieved to know that I'm not the obscure person to feel negatively when I hear them. Oh, really, thank you
This is an excellent presentation. The people saying those things are speaking from a position of power. After all, THEY aren’t suffering. And a lot of their comments are condescending, and take your feelings and wipe their feet on them.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world” is the most toxic one. However, many of the phrases presented in the video are barely toxic, in any kind of way.
Yeah my thoughts as well.
I think it depends on the situation for most of them
I have said this too often for tiny injuries (aka tripping or hitting your hand on something) I know I’m trying to make them feel better, I never really realized that it doesn’t help. My friends all see me as the “shy optimist”.
I feel like it's the results of whatever comes next after saying them which impacts more, maybe their toxicity is the aftermath of people misusing them.
eh idk that phrase depends on the situation
I actually feel comfort when someone tells me they've been there and that they understand. I feel like I can more easily communicate with them and I feel less alone.
Me also. It’s only toxic when used in a way that suggests what you’re going through is common and therefore not a big deal. When I was desperately trying to escape an abusive ex and reaching out to people for help, *so many* of them said “yep, divorce sucks, I’ve been there.”
It’s true that a lot of people get divorced but in actuality very few people actually have their life threatened by an ex. I knew I’d found my people when they related in a way that was helpful and gave me actual advice instead of just brushing me off.
Yeah I'm suprised it was on the list like that.
It was said to me by an evangelist and it was presumptuous and off-putting.
5:30
You're so right, I hate when people say something like "I've been there" cause in my head i'm always like "No, you haven't. Do you KNOW what i've been through?" that's why when I say that either by accident or whatever reason I do, I say "Well I haven't exactly but the situation seems similar" to make sure they don't think what I think everytime I get told that. It gets annoying when people think theyve been there.
I think the best way to think about the phrase "time is a healer" is as advice for those who are dealing with traumatized people, and not directly for the one who going through the hard time. We need to stop and remember that those who are suffering need time to work through things and we need to remember to be patient with them.
"Don't cry, it's okay!"
Saying don't cry often leads the other person to never trust that they can be vulnerable around you.
I got this friend, because she get sad if I cry... I always hated being emotional around her, it is all fun and game if I just be happy.
To me this sentence just doesn't really make sense. It sounds contradictory
Like instead of saying don't cry how about you comfort the person you can't tell someone to just turn off their emotions💀
“Don’t be emotional” that one hurt
I love your soft voice it's so soothing also a phrase I say often that comes from my disability (I'm autistic) is "I don't know what to say" it's true and not at all helpful and I always feel awful being unable to help
To be fair, i feel extremly guilty, using many of those words myself. More so, because i had to experience same things said to Me. You would think i could learn from this, learn not to repeat my mistakes with toxic positivity, but only now, at my 26 i realise, how stupid and indifferent i was. That said, empathy is a concept i started to learn about 3 years ago. It is still new to me, but i am making my steps forward. Thank you for this educational videos.
Another one: "If they can do it, so can you."
The truth is, some of us aren't ment to do whatever we're told to. We go with what we do what we desire to do. We all know we can't achieve everything in the world, we have our limits after all.
But if there's something we want to do but we just can't do it, we learn and grow and take our time with it before we fully know, then master it. Encouragement.
Nice video by the way.
My mum said this to herself in order to encourage herself yesterday. This is not a toxic statement in the least. Not everyone is meant to achieve everything and it is hard for some but we have to understand when I see a 100 year old man running while I am being lazy and not fit. That statement makes sense. Sometimes people who are in much worse camp and situations tend to pull off feats which I do not do just because I am seriously lazy and this statement is a fact. It is not toxic. That old 81 year old grandma in Japan that learned to code af such an age and made a game. If she can do it, why can't I ? You know what truly negative is ? It's when people say "He didn't study for last 10 years, what can he do now?" That's truly negative.
I get that they can do it...I just don't want to..!!! LOL!!