Given how OP says their mother died when they where very young, and she only says she looked out for Brenda, despite Brenda being 4 years older than Brian... I'm thinking OP has some sort of weird obsession with Brenda, probably treating her better than her own children. Like Brenda is the "Golden Child" despite not actually being her child.
@@samoanjoseph1457 just the way the post was worded, sounded like one controlling narcissistic spinning the situation to favour another abusive narcissistic. Oh yeah……. But they both go to church. 😂
Story 1 Brenda comes of as the kind of person who does their best to APPEAR to be a good person without actually being a good person. Bryan knows who Brenda really is but OP is blinded by the facade . Its telling that her own children don't like Brenda either. OP is the kind of person who only sees whats she wants to see and will actively ignore that which does not match what she wants to see.
Very well put. I have a cousin like that. Very "pillar of the community", very "high up in the church", but when our uncle was dying, she and her husband stole from his house while he was dying in the hospital. I refuse to have anything to deal with her and her husband, but my mother doesn't understand. My mother keeps saying "we're family" and it happened so long ago. My life is perfectly ok without them.
it makes you wonder if Brenda called the shots at op's home after her parents died 'but hunny we have to do this for Brenda, she lost her parents we are the only family she has left' i think favoritism goes beyond Bryan if her kids don't like her.
She is dumb af. I knew this already after she stated that Brenda is nice, she goes to curch every sunday. 🙄 So did my great-uncle who has beaten his wife.
Seriously. I'm sorry to any Christians who think that way, but for the rest of us (including sensible Christians here) it's like saying "But we both like chocolate, so they must be a good person" or "We both like Marvel Movies, so they must be a good person" Even if you're religious, you should be aware that there are truly awful people who share your faith (or at the very least go through the motions of it), and you should be on the lookout for them.
Story 1: YTA "Brian says she's a bully and she stole his inheritance but she goes to church and he doesn't so she must be a good person" I like how OP took Brenda under her wing but not Brian who had also lost his mom. OP presented herself as aassive asshole before we even got to the issue.
Of course Brenda goes to church. She's trying to get into heaven. And she definitely thinks she wouldn't if she were judged solely on her personal life.
This sounds very similar to another story where the sister believed her sister could do no bad and she didn't believe it even when a friend told her 'yea she is nice when your around but a bitch to everyone otherwise'
@@samoanjoseph1457 none of you idiots have heard Brenda's side Church does not ge you to Heaven its just something they have in common that Brian does not enjoy going to church does not make anyone a Christian same as sitting in a garage does nt make someone a car and she took her under wing because she is the girl and they relate to girl things it does not mean she does not love or was not there for Brian
I raised an eyebrow immediately as soon as I heard the Church thing, in the words of my childhood priest: "A person who doesnt go to Church but is a good persom is viewed more favorably im the eyes of God than a person who goes to Church every sunday but is a bad person"
Story 1: When the OP said "She goes to church with, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." I already knew who the idiot was. OP sounds very judgemental and is showing blatant favoritism. I'm thinking OP has a lot to do with why Bryan doesn't have anything to do with his sister. I wonder if OP's favoritism is because Brenda is just like her.
right and really rude of her to gush about brenda basically instead of asking him about his life or anything, that whole thing was revolving around brenda and brenda's feelings. She is worried about brenda because brenda doesn't have any family left but what about Bryan? he doesn't have any family left either. She sounded like a really gross judgmental person.
I caught on when she said "spirited" and "doesn't mean what she says". Code for overbearing and unapologetically catty. The fact that OP considers going to church a character trait speaks volumes too.
Story 1: HARD YTA I have a very strong feeling that OP is keeping certain information out of this story, cause it sounds like she is trying hard to make her nephew out as the bad guy. "She goes to church with me and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." Yea... That just screams condisending, cause apparently since Brenda goes to church, she can't be a terrible person in OP eyes. But yeah, 100% AH for OP and I hope her nephew and his new family never has to deal with her again.
Just because someone goes to church, it doesn’t automatically follow that they are a good person! My stepfather went to church too and he definitely wasn’t a good person.
Last Story: Always remember the "Waiter Rule": If someone is nice to their date but mean to the waitstaff, they are not a nice person. The stepdad in this story is a real piece of work.
@@catherinep2034 Or she has realised her new husband is abusive, and is hiding behind or trying to shield herself with her kids...."Oh, he won't hurt me, while the girls are around."
@@IzzyPR2010 That and the other comment might be right as well about the losing child support. It didn't sound like dad had 50/50 custody. So if dad only had visitation rights then he would have been paying CS. I hope OP convinces dad to go to court and make it official while she works on convincing sister to join her.
Story 2: NTA. Honestly his Daughter not being in makes more since. Two of his kids, two of your kids. If it isn’t a big deal then he really shouldn’t be fighting you on this.
Agreed. And getting worked up about numbers being even is very silly. Perhaps they should just add some other boy out of the wider family if it is so important. But I would talk to the adoptive daughter tbh, because it might be that she saw some red flags in his behaviour towards her, when noone else was around.
Get a friend and even out the Groomsmen, I don't know if I would marry him , you dropping his daughter means u don't think of her as your own, yet that's exactly what he suggested for your daughter therefore by his own "logic" admitting he doesn't think of her as a daughter.
Why can't OP have her daughters as bridesmaids and her fiancé's daughter as Maid of Honour? She is older. Otherwise ditch the fiance, he is either OCD about numbers or dismissing OP's older daughter
What makes more sense is not preferring "evenness" to the point where it fractures the family. I mean, he had three kids when he came into the marriage, that must have just been eating him up inside that he didn't have two or four, but THREE. And then having five just made him lose his crap.
@@NODE1975 it is. My sister has "borrowed" money from me in the past and never repaid it or it took a lot of nagging to get it repaid. It wasn't the money part that bothered me, it was the broken trust. If she had at least made an effort and paid me $5 or anything I wouldn't have been so upset. Being betrayed by someone you should be able to trust is definitely painful.
This is why you need a clear precise well written will by a good lawyer when you have more than one child. My stepdad is dealing with the nonsense of poorly written will and terrible terrible Brothers.
I can’t imagine how OP’s fiancé could possibly think it was in anyway reasonable or acceptable to suggest excluding ONE child from a significant family event for such a ridiculous meaningless reason (it’s also alarming he has no consideration or care for how the daughter would feel to be the only one not in the wedding party). There is no compromise to consider - OP obviously deserves to have BOTH her daughters as HER bridesmaids and the fact he somehow believes his daughter should take precedence over a daughter she has loved and raised her whole life is disgraceful. If he truly can’t see what an awful mindset this is over such an inconsequential non-issue then i find it hard not to believe similar situations are going to crop up in the future, especially when they have to share resources across five children such as allocating bedrooms, family photos, going on holiday, car trips or outings, organising presents or financial assistance.
if it has to be even then why can't he just have a nephew from his side stand with his groomsmen, there is always that cousin you and your kids like best
@@velvety2006 Yup I would've blown up at that comment. Make him realize its stupid thing to say and better never even tip toe around that type of thing ever again.
Having an "even" wedding party isn't necessary, but is doable when we're talking siblings/close family/friends. When the couples' own children from before the marriage are the bridal party, then nothing else matters. You include all the kids, or none. You're right, there is no way to compromise! No matter what role they gave OPs adopted daughter, it will look to her and to every attendee that she's been given a consolation prize.
The guy is jealous of OPs dead husband and since her step daughters only blood relationship is with her dead husband her Fiancé is actively hostile towards her. This guy is a VERY insecure man and strikes me as a wimp who wants to be controlling but just doesn't have the stones. He doesn't want to have to respect OPs dead husband and yet he dated a widow. If he doesn't want to have to have a dead man's child in his life the way to handle that would have been to date someone else as soon as he found out but he doesn't have the confidence to actually do that so he tries to manipulate it through the back door. I am not saying that he should act like that, I'm just saying that the way he tries to handle his dislike of a dead man's child is creepy instead of being direct. He was also creepy in the way that he failed to address the absolute equality of suggesting that his daughter not be a bridesmaid and that way it would be her children on one side and his children on the other. He doesn't address anything head on.
Story 1: Bryan made his choice. OP is definitely TA raised to the power of TA -- "spirited," "says things she doesn't mean" -- enabling phrases for, at the very least, "gets way pissed off and deliberately tries to hurt others by lashing out with her words." Whether it's someone I'm dating, a girlfriend, a friend, or a relative my rule is simple -- if this happens you are out of my life completely on the first offense. These people cannot or will not control their emotions or behavior and simply do not change (without a ton of professional help) and others always make excuses for them. I do not. Remove all toxic people from your life. It's easier than you think, at least once you're an adult.
Exactly ! I used to have an awful time with my toxic family,they always treated me badly,and even referred to me as a black sheep ,and I was a young teen then! And when I got older,it got worse ! Now I'm happy and have my own family ,and haven't been in contact with my side of the family ,and feel absolutely free finally! My mil and husband's side of the family ,are more of a loving family to me ..
Fourth story, NTA, dont date someone who is potentially isolating u and using ur history to do so. It seems really convenient she gets panic attacks suddenly when there was no history of it, and with info that isnt bad at all
Agreed 100% with this comment. The fact that no one else sees that is alarming. No one would cut me off from my friend group that I've had since high school. If you have a panic attack and you need to go home then you need to go home by yourself. Or you need to stay home if it's that bad because I'm going out with my friends . Because just like you need your mental health I need my mental health and my mental health is relaxing with my friends. You are an adult and you need to deal with it. Your mental health is not your fault but but getting help is your responsibility.
From what others have said about panic attacks on another story, Kendall wouldn't be asking op to get her out of there. She wouldn't be really talking as she would be more frozen than anything. Nor does it sound like it's social anxiety that's making her panic, but the knowledge that op had drunkenly slept with Mandy once years before. It also sounds like he and Mandy joke about it to prevent the past from making their friendship awkward and ruined. Maybe op should test his gf by going out with his friends group, but ask Mandy to stay away that night while informing her why so she knows that he's not dumping her as a friend. If Kendall still gets the panic attack, he knows it's her just needing professional help. However, if she doesn't, he knows that it's because she can't handle being around Mandy and they need a serious talk. Otherwise he's going to be stuck either always having to leave because his gf can't leave without him or he's going to have to keep sneaking around just to see his friends for more than a few minutes.
Yeah, that info was really tame, and given he told the story so willingly, I also believe him when he said it was five years ago. Who cares? It speaks of maturity that you can still maintain good relationships with people platonically even after. Kendall sounds like a control freak.
Story 2 nta. Op i think you need to rethink this engagement or rather dump him. He says he has no problem with your adopted daughter but he now had a problem when it came w/ the bridemaids. He suggested the adopted daughter to be out and keep his daughter in. He's trying to be subtle with this but no. If Op gets married he'll probably tell her to rehome the adopted daughter or put her back in the foster system or permanently place her in maybe relatives or grandparents.
"We go to church together" well there is your reason for her blindness to her awfulness lol, they are both the same lind of hypocrite that spend all their time in church yet are awful people lol.
Last story: Wow. Sounds like stepdad has been holding all that in for a while. He unloaded. That said, he obviously just wants OP and her sister gone so he can have mom all to himself
It feels like this is the prelude to an extremely abuse relationship for three children and their mother... like now he's got the mother pregnant "she can't leave" kinda vibes.
I know the Feeling, I went through a similar situation, the difference is that it was cancer, she probably stayed with him so he could pay her treatments, he didn't treat her well either, he was verbally abusive, thank god I don't have to deal with him anymore but not for good reasons.
To protect OP’s daughter, she should look into canceling this wedding. Her STBEX fiancé has shown her who he is. She should believe him. He’s such TAH that it never even occurred to him to just get another groomsman.
Last story. OP really needs to talk with Dad about getting her sister out of that situation. It is only going to get worse especially after the baby is born.
Story 1: I see a lot of comments focusing on the stupidity and YTAness of OP for her thinking of "goes to church" as automatically meaning Brenda is a good person, and all that is valid, but I think people are overlooking something. She mentions Brenda and Bryans mom died when they where very young. Then she gives the ages, Brenda is 34, Bryan is 30. Brenda is 4 years older than Bryan, but she specifically mentions taking Brenda under her wing when the mom died. So, instead of looking out for the younger child, OP pretty much admits she was primarily looking out for the older child. We don't know how old they where when the mom died, but isn't that really odd to anyone else? It really seems OP has some really bizarre fascination with Brenda, even beyond the "church = good people only" idiocy.
Story 2: so let me get this straight,he wants the Opie to show preferential treatment to his child but not to her adopted child and is also mad that she doesn't supposedly see his daughter as her daughter (which she's not) when he doesn't see her actual adopted child as her daughter. The mental gymnastics are astounding. She needs to rethink that engagement.
Tbh in OP's position I'd call off the wedding entirely he is an AH and imo he showed his true colors. Bet he is the kind of dude that expects OP to finance his kids because "we're married they're your kids too now" but he wouldn't keep the same energy for OP's daughter, he's such a hypocrite and possibly one of those morons that think adopted children don't deserve the same consideration as bio kids. Also if she goes along with it, this kind of behavior will gradually escalate I have seen that happening quite a few times.
OP could ask her fiance to pull out his copy of "The Big Bumper Book OF Wedding Rules" and show her exactly where it's mandatory to have an equal number of groomsmen and bridesmaids... Or she COULD remove the blinkers and see this madman for what he really is.
The girlfriend having "panic attacks" every time she sees Mandy sounds super sus. If she knows she is going to have a panic attack every time she sees Mandy, then don't go see Mandy. Whether the panic attacks are real or not, she's deliberately sabotaging OPs friendship at this point because she knowingly making OP leave early every time. She needs to work out her issues with a professional not at the expense of the person she supposedly loves.
I'm gonna go with ESH, considering OP forgot to mention the teensy little fact that they had a drunken shag before. But the constant panic attacks seem more like a control mechanism. Wonder if Mandy is doing anything covertly hostile while GF is there.
Story regarding Kendall and Mandy: Mandy doesn't perceive OP in a strictly platonic sense or she would not have mentioned "Eskimo sisters". That was deliberate and designed to cause anxiety in Kendall. That being said, Kendall's willingness to work on her social anxiety is great, but should be done on her own time, not every time OP actually gets to hang out with his friend group. It can take months or years to overcome panic attacks in social situations, and OP has a right to visit with his friends. OP is not justified in lying to Kendall. Therapy for both is required.
As someone with social anxiety, it's entirely possible that Kendall feels pressured to prove she can handle every get together. Either directly from OP or because other people in her life pressure her to act like her anxiety doesn't exist. I'm also concerned about how much OP is *insisting* that the drunken one-night-stand is no big deal. He slept with his "best friend." He's *still friends* with this woman. They *joke* about it! If it's "not a big deal," why is it still a regular part of their relationship? Has Kendall tried bringing up her concerns? Did she try but OP insisted it wasn't a big deal and refused to properly address it? Did that lead to Kendall feeling pressured to prove it wasn't a big deal to her, either?
@@brigidtheirish As someone with social anxiety, I've dealt with a lifetime of situations where I needed to slip away. Preferably as unnoticed as possible. Kendall needs to develop some coping mechanisms, with her own escape plans as a backup. She shouldn't rely on OP to get her out of stressful situations each time. She has social anxiety, and he's gregarious. This will be a bad match-up unless she works on strategies. Being supportive doesn't mean someone has to give up on their life. As far as joking about the past relationship, this would only be a recent development, and probably made as an ill-conceived attempt to assuage Kendall's fears. Gregarious people will often downplay in this fashion, but anxious people don't receive it that way. This is part of the difficulty of this match-up, which is why I think they both need therapy to understand one another. Therapy would give Kendall a place to express her concerns and a means for the two of them to communicate in ways they both understand. Some couples just need a mediator until they learn each other's language.
@@remembertobreathe66 I've got social anxiety, too, though it got particularly noticeable (and was diagnosed) in college. I was mainly able to cope because my mom also has social anxiety and could walk me through it. Unfortunately, I've run into a lot of people who don't have the proper support for developing healthy coping strategies. The extreme ends are those who are pressured to "just get over it" and those who are *encouraged* to go home whenever slightly stressed. The latter usually involving someone consistently offering to take them. So, yes, therapy would be a *very* good idea.
I have to wonder if the reason for the panic attacks is that Mandy is cyber bullying Kendall. OP doesn't mention any contact between Mandy and Kendall other than the get-togethers, but it would be easy for Mandy to get Kendall's contact information and start a little campaign to make Kendall anxious. I think Mandy thinks OP is her property and is trying to run Kendall off.
YTA for expecting your girlfriend to hang out with someone you slept with and be okay with it. Doesn't matter that she's trying to prove herself or that it "meant nothing". Either break up with her or stop seeing that one friend. Those are your choices. Anything else is cruel and unusual.
He tried to oust one of your daughters from being in the wedding. Specifically your adopted daughter. HUGE red flag! Why didn’t he ask a nephew, a friends child or even another relative? I’d postpone the wedding indefinitely & keep separate homes, finances & everything. Make sure you you have someone more trustworthy to take care of your children & estate.
She goes into a “panic attack” everytime and she says she’s not jealous? This is not gonna work out buddy. I have panic attacks and I am so tired of people claiming “panic attack” just to leave an uncomfortable situation. If she can’t get past your….well past then it’s not gonna work. And he is not lying to hang out with just her. If they both think it was nothing and do not have feelings for each other over one drunken night then y’all need to stop calling him names.
Right! I mean how ironic the females are all in a tizzy over a ons while they break their backs to shame men that walk away from their "woo girl" GFs that lied about their pasts allowing themselves to be passed around like a joint for most of college & beyond. Bottomline the women of reddit just showed their own hypocrisy once again. They admit a person past matters but try to act like it doesn't because they hate being judged for it. Which is ironic given how judgemental they are of this guy for a simple indiscretion. Can't even compare the two situations. One is drunken indiscretion while the other is a wholesale coverup of a very sordid past that informs a person's fitness as a long-term partner in the present.
"she'll have a panic attack" repeatedly. Oh, get over yourself, dear. Yes, you can control yourself. You know you aren't marrying a virgin. To the guy, don't marry this drama queen until she grows up.
Wedding If he wants even numbers then he can have his two sons and you can have your two daughters. If he wants his daughter included then he should not worry about "even" and yes he can add another groomsman.
Mom in the last story is pathetic. Her husband threw a tantrum and demanded that she chose him over her kids and she just goes along with it? Disgusting. Glad OP recognized the assignment and decided to move out. Screw the mom's side of the family if they can't tell right from wrong.
I love listening to the narrator on this channel. Not only do I love his British accent, but also the occasional little laugh at idiotic comments they OPs have written about. Please keep posting these wonderful stories.
Final Story: NTA. While yes you need to respect your parents, you have every right to call them out on crappy behavior. Stepdad is supposed to be better, Mom is supposed to stick by you. And now your half sibling can grow up knowing that you left them behind.
I was wondering if mother was upset because with OP moving out, that was one less babysitter. My trigger was when she said he said that she should smile more. I went through major untreated depression as a child and remember being told that, then, as a grown woman, I have had men tell me that. Stepfather is a creep.
Story 4: Going against the grain, NTA. OP had a drunken one night stand five years ago and that info causes his current girlfriend to have a panic attack everytime he's near Mandy? I get super depressed and jealous when my friends show off their healthy relationships but I don't go out my way to tell them to knock it off and stop being happy. I work on myself, I let them be happy, and I know I'll find happiness. I think the girlfriend is jealous and trying to keep OP away from his friends. Was the lying bad? Yes, but at what point will OP or his friends get tired of him having to walk on eggshells and just ditch him? WIll he have to make a new friend group because of the girlfriend?
I agree with this, after 5 times it gets more and more noticeable to the friends, at some point it comes out why and I don't think they're going to be understanding forever if she can't deal with it- I do however disagree with him lying to her, he should've just honestly said I just want to hang out with my friends, and then they should slowly start working on getting her panic attacks under control. it must be hard for her but at some she has to deal with her issues
@Rachel Jackson If they did talk about it, then he *still* should have come up with a better solution than *lying.* That's only going to make things worse.
@@brigidtheirish I completely disagree I think the best solution the only solution should have was to break up with her immediately. It's 100% obvious by now that she's just manipulated you should dump her and Dodge the bullet
@@brigidtheirish for 3 years she knew his his friend and Mandy but knew she finds out 5-6 years ago hooked up in college. And he has to hold her hand and walk her through it maybe even therapy so she and he can be around them again
Test date- it’s like Reddit hasn’t read stories about these ‘test’ in the past and told the op to run. But he should’ve believed her when she said it wasn’t.
I'm guessing you've never had a babysitter bail on you last minute. Just because some people test their partners like this doesn't mean *everyone* does.
@@brigidtheirish i mean, you acknowledge that some people do it but not everyone so your comment was kinda pointless no? It’s used as a test by some but like Marie said, he should’ve believed her when she said it wasn’t a test
@@MageMalice No. I'm pointing out that *not everyone* does it. That, yeah, the boyfriend should've believed her. Also, that Redditors calling him out for being an asshole aren't ignorant that such tests happen. They're calling him out for *assuming* this was such a test.
About the guy who thought he was being tested. This is something a lot of people do, particularly women. So it is entirely possible that it is something he has experienced in a past relationship and he may still be bitter about it. It is not a good feeling being on the receiving end of that kind of "test", regardless of whether you pass or not. So commenters assuming that he is projecting because he is actually manipulative, is quite a leap. It is possible, sure. But it is also possible that this is the result of his past experiences with previous relationships. I do think a lot people on reddit have a habbit of jumping immediately to the worst possible conclusion. Sometimes they are right. But it is not always the case.
Vags loving vags... Op was out of line. 6 months and just jumping it on your bf is a test. Op can claim it was happenstance, but op choose to test her bf. Own up to it, even if it was unintended. The question would be totally valid if it was planned both ways so don't be upset. "Omg I'm sorry, it was not intended to be because I really like you and wanted to spend the time with you, but you're right. It was an unexpected test and I shouldn't have sprung it on you. You did amazing however."
Test or not. His thinking is sound. How many stories on this channel have had "testers" in it? Testing happens all the bloody time and it is not a new thing. It have been going on for decades.
@@cptfwiffo, she didn't plan it as a test, and she wasn't even thinking about it in that respect. She gave him the option to postpone or go. He easily could have said let's just do it another time. Y'all are some jaded people and judging or punishing other possible SOs in your life because of past SOs wrongdoing is going to be problematic.
@@sandracox4341 Jaded? No, it's facts. All the women I know, my mother and sister included, are very manipulative, and love embellishing their own narrative to gather attention and empathy for themselves. The guy was just wary of that, which is a very common issue. Also, all the people that were berating the guy were women (I saw the original article on reddit). It's not a coincidence.
"people that assume they're being manipulated have a history of manipulating people" WTF?! You know who else feels that way? People that have a history of being manipulated. But cuz it's a guy he couldn't possibly be a victim right? He must be the bad guy. There are sooo many women that play these games. It's perfectly reasonable for him to think that is the case. Of course he took it too far if he keeps insisting she's lying. But it's something to have a discussion. And if you're starting off with less trust it may be best to go separate ways. He may need some therapy. Or may he was just joking. We don't really know and op would need to determine if it's something worth figuring out.
Story 1: Big YTA, and not because of my membership in the International Fellowship of Brians. You only have one side of the story, you’re the type that thinks church going somehow makes someone the better person when that’s not necessarily the case, and you kept push the issue when Brian asked you to stop talking about Brenda. Either get his side of the story so you can make an informed decision on getting involved between them, or just stay out of it!
Story 4. Does this man really want to go through life with a partner who has "serial panic attacks" when she receives information she does not like. That is no way to live. When someone tries to separate you from friends or family look out! This woman is not currently his wife, what will she do after marriage? The Reddit commentators really missed the boat here. I have a friend who dated a man, they eventually parted ways and years later through a work situation met his brother, they dated and eventually happily married. A drunken one night stand years ago in college is a big nothing burger. If he had a friends with benefits relationship with her that would be entirely different, but he said he did not.
So the answer is breaking up, not lying and going behind her back. And the one-night-stand *is* a big deal since joking about it is still part of his relationship with Mandy. I am a bit suspicious at how consistently she gets these panic attacks, but, again, *lying* and *sneaking around* is *not* the solution.
@@brigidtheirish Maybe but what's going on it's right.He made the best choice for him they every evidence that if he would have told he didn't want her to come it would have been a argument. Where is his 'SAFE SPACE"
@@chefmobius6842 Where is your grammar? I'm having a hard time parsing meaning from this. If he feels the need to lie about going out with friends, he shouldn't be in a relationship with her. Period.
@@brigidtheirish Exactly. Him breaking up with her would be totally fine, but him lying isn't. This simple rule applies to pretty much all relationships. If you have to lie to your partner to keep the relationship, you should drop that relationship.
I'm a Brit who lived in the US for 25 years and it took me several dates/relationships before I realised that manipulation was acceptable female behaviour over there to the point where I'd even hear girls boasting about it. I can't blame the guy for thinking that was what was going on but OP needs to realise it and lay her cards on the table - that it may be common but she doesn't want to play those games either as a batter or a pitcher. I don't know whether that will have an effect or how far she can distance herself from cultural norms but it's probably worth a try.
Was looking for a comment about that story before writing one of my own. I’m honestly unsurprised that the AITA comments almost immediately went on to imply that the guy is manipulative for thinking he was being manipulated, all the comments saying he must be manipulative as if people who have been manipulated don’t exist. Pretty narrow minded of em
Thank you! This was my thought exactly. Shit testing is a try & true way for pathetic insecure people, mostly women but some guys do it too just nowhere near as prevalent as it is with women, use to manipulate ppl around them in vain attempt to keep them near when all it really does is drive ppl away. The fact that so many commenters went to him being the manipulative one through projection were actually tattling on themselves, they were the one's projecting. It's EXTREMELY common & a huge red flag. If your with someone that's constantly testing you, regardless of gender, ghost their asses immediately & never look back.
I scrolled and scrolled looking for this comment. Reddit is super sexist so it doesn't surprise me they treated it as if he was being manipulative and showing a bunch of red flags. Its super common for women to do that sort of thing so it isn't weird for him to think that, especially if he had dealt with it before. If a male had posted it then the comments would have been about how there's a reason the woman assumed that and its because she has past trauma from a man manipulating her in that way. It didn't even seem as if the boyfriend was upset with her over it, it just seemed like he was trying to make a little joke about it. It was a reason to text her the next day and make sure that she still wanted to see him. Meeting the child is a big deal and if it's a good parent then it will decide if the relationship continues. All op has to do is show the text from babysitter canceling to prove to him that she didn't trick him. Men can be manipulated too. Reddit sucks sometimes.
It’s something some women do to test how controlling a man is. Change some little thing (like the time or the restaurant) on his plans and see how he reacts. If he goes ballistic about something as small as, say, having dinner an hour later, it’s a big red flag. Not so much a game as self preservation. If the guy has a bad temper, it’s better to know before you are too far in. I’m sure some men have tests for women as well.
OP with the adopted daughter needs to call the wedding off. The fact that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to remove her from the wedding party is very telling. He doesn't see her as real family and will likely never treat her as such. She needs to consider what could happen if she passes away before him, especially if the kids are still young and living at home.
Story 1: YTA. Sorry but he is a grown man that can make his own decision. If he doesn’t want her in his life he can exclude her. I get the feeling that you may have a different view of her then you think.
What use is a panicking dingbat? What are you going to do when your children have an issue and she panics? She'll dither uselessly while your child drowns etc. These people are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.
3:43. Lol, op adding in Church attendance to get exactly the reaction the writer wanted. This is called ragebait and this one was ridiculously easy to see through. It hit all the sore spots for the AITA community.
Nta in panic attack story. Op was hanging witha. Coworker that then went to other friends. If i tell my wife im going to work and it was a waaaay diff work building did I lie about going to work? Nah? For the test one. Everyone jumps on him being an asshole and projecting or but why also can't he be hurt and he was tested before? As a teen dating, "testing" was sadly common; toxic AF and it became expected to be a point. Being with my wife, I felt that way at least - she never tested me and agrees it's toxic, my word.
Last Story NTA and if I were OP I'd be telling her Dad about how the stepdad treats OP and the sister so that they can BOTH move in with him ASAP!!! Leave the two AH's to it and tell her family to kick rocks as she CHOSE to marry that AH, OP and the sister don't owe him sh*t or have to put with his abuse, both towards them and others!!
No way in hell would I tell one of my daughters to step out of my wedding party to "make things even" no matter whether she's bio or adopted. I'd find a cousin or nephew or friend of the family to stand with groomzilla to make it even that way if he's gonna be a baby about it. Of course this is all hypothetical because I'm male, hetero, middle aged and childless, and therefore probably will never be a bride.
as a hetero male would you like to be a bride because what happens behind closed door is no ones biz , no one should be shamed for "playing around" or "exploring " i know quite a few straight guys who like to wear female panties as a gay guy i am not in to that , but i have went in the store a bought some because they were to shy to. it is about what does it for you , and go get what you want
What i find weird is that Mandy and Op joke about having drunk sex but the gf doesn't know until now? Something feels off here. However, i would question Mandy's motives. Why would she tell the Gf after three years? Something fishy is going on.
agree, I see everyone bashing Kendall and not questioning Mandy's motive for bringing it up in that setting where Kendall can't really do anything about it and just had to take it or she wouldn't be a good sport. Op should have told his gf of this beforehand. He's telling this story from his point of view and is projecting it that she's isolating him from his friends instead of trying to find out and understand why she reacted the way she did. He's insensitive and to him it may be nothing seems like Kendall is not taking it so likely. I don't see them lasting as OP is the type to pick is long time mate Mandy over his gf Kendall. This happened to my sister, her bf would go on trips with just his female friend and my sis just had to shut up and be okay with it. Well after the broker up guess what, those two have shacked up together.
Kindle definitely puts up a show.. doesn't she have her own friends? Let op hyperventilate every time he sees a male friend of hers. See how soon she'll get tired of It
0:50 "Can be _spirited and emotional_ at some times, and says things she doesn't mean." Aha. And that, my dear, is how I know _exactly_ what kind of people Brenda and OP are. Those are some crazy Rose-tinted blindfolds they're rocking in a Candyland of Favoritism.
Story 1: Anyone gonna mention how op hasn't seen or heard from her nephew in how long?, and doesn't even ask how he's been or what he's been up to. Yet just starts telling him what he should do and what his sister's life is about.
Kendall story- OP NTA. The girlfriend sounds really manipulative. So she starts having panic attacks the SECOND she finds out he slept with the friend ONCE? I see where this is going, she is forcing him to stop hanging out with his friends by being manipulative. Having panic attacks over a girl your bf banged is pretty extreme
Brenda 4 yrs older...By the aunt's description, sounds like a bossy "mother child" to her brother?.. Single dad put her incharge, while away? Maybe that was why there is no contact...She disappears, when he returns...some serious hostility going on here...It would be interesting to hear his side of the story...
Story 3: Sounds like OP needs to decide if her boyfriend's low trust cap is something she can live with. Dating in 21st century has more landmines than it used to. Boyfriend's on guard just like OP.
For the third one. NAH. Op likely did not mean this as a test but some women really do that as a test and it's likely he might have experienced it before. Which is why he's cynical about it.
Holy Smoke, the sarcasm is DRIPPING from Mr. Narrator in the first story! 😂 Love it. But yeah the whole story screams YTA for OP. If one person doesn't like someone it's whatever (kinda) and still both sides need to be considered. But if MULTIPLE People doesn't like someone, especially "unrelated to each other" they might have a point
Dude wants to toss out the adoptive daughter from the wedding so quickly to be ‘even’ yet goes off his rocker when she suggests his daughter be out then? Sorry dude but that’s messed up. Adopted or not that’s her daughter. You don’t get to treat her any less of her daughter. And then get mad being treated the same way towards your child. If we’re going to talk about being ‘even’ it should only be his sons and her daughters. But that whole needing to be even wedding parties is just stupid. I don’t even want a damn wedding party. Too much money for them to be spending lol.
Story 2: she doesn't consider his daughter as her own daughter? Yeah, because she isn't. Can't even be considered an actual stepdaughter until after the marriage.
Ghat story about Kendal and Mandy: ok, so OP has been consistently unable to see his social circle because his GF has panic attacks EVERY SINGLE TIME she see’s…Mandy was it? Ya, he slept with her once and they laugh about it. Get over it, he’s with kendal (?) in a committed relationship and she KNOWS these are people OP has known a long time. She IS actively isolating him. Her “Panic Attacks” are so convenient. She’s JUST jealous. If she can’t deal with it then OP SHOULD maybe consider her a list cause. Its abusive to expect him to ditch all his friends for her. Legit or not, those “panic attacks” are causing him problems, HER problems. Not to mention that she is being totally unreasonable. So she just expects him to invite her to every event just so she can get a “panic attack” out of jealousy and then force him to leave? Thats abusive. If she can’t handle seeing (op’s friend he banged) then she shouldn’t WANT to go anyway. He literally HAD to lie to her JUST to enjoy an event with HIS friends. Sorry but mental illness or not thats abusive behaviour, SHE is being TA
Kendall may have legit anxiety issues, but I get the feeling that she's trying to cut OP off from his friends to get him away from Mandy. She's not just angry because he lied, she's angry because he's finding ways to hang out with his friends that don't include her. And if she's not there then she can't cut his visits with his friends short or keep an eye on Mandy. She needs to just be honest that she got bad vibes from Mandy's comment and talk things out with OP.
Stpry 2: so it's OK to take her daughter out...but not his? And then to use the "you don't see her as your own" line when he did THE EXACT SAME THING?Hypocrite much? Let's be real. OP can love that girl but she isn't going to see a girl she's known since was 14 "as her own" at least not compared to the girl she's raised her whole life. It's just not possible and we shOuld be realistic. It's not a bad thing. It's just reality. Love isn't finite, but it grows with time and 14 years vs 5 is no comparison.
Date story: unfortunately, the "shit test" has been gaining popularity in dating. This situation was genuine, but I can see why he would have thought that. It was rather crass of him to bring it up, though. Asking if he'd "passed the test" could be overlooked as him asking if the daughter had liked him enough to continue the relationship. He went off the rails when he laid out that he thought it was a cooked-up ploy to test him.
To the woman who has the adopted daughter, bridesmaids and groomsmen don't have to be equal, the boys could quite easily follow the bridesmaids youngest girl in front and the two older walk behind her and the boys walk behind the girls, what's so wrong with that? problem solved, nobody needs to be left out. It only matters if you're letting one girl walk with one boy down the aisle x
I am sorry I need to go against the grain if Kendal is that emotionally unstable that she can not handle the fact that her BF had a one-night stand with Mandy 5 years ago when they were not a couple then she needs to lock herself up in a room and never face the real world. Because this is a person who will have a breakdown when she breaks a nail, when the milk expires before its expiration date, or does not have enough eggs for the recipe. The BF needs to find someone else to be in a relationship with. He does not need to be tied down with someone this emotionally unstable. Like I said I am taking the cold route here but there is no reason for a person to be this way. If you can not face reality then lock yourself up. This is nothing. Trust me there is so much worse out there to be upset about.
story 2. OP NTA but like other people said major red flags waving if he thinks your adopted daughter shouldn't be apart. Also red flags of favoritism. If he was so worried about having even sides he should just add another guy or boy to his side. not exclude one of the girls. Counseling sounds like before marriage cuz if he is showing that he thinks your adopted daughter a real daughter, then don't think this man is for you. You need to protect her and your other daughter.
Nothing raises my suspicions like situations where there's a clear and easy solution, but the person instead insists on a hurtful, dysfunctional and bizarre "solution." Like, instead of simply adding a groomsman, you're going to exclude the adoted daughter from the wedding??
My father often accused me, when I was a child, of manipulating him. He turned out to be a terrible parent and spouse (emotionally and verbally abusive, cheated etc.). As an adult I realize that was a red flag. Manipulators see manipulation everywhere. She should end it. If he doesn’t believe her about this small thing, he’s not going to believe about big things too. He’s also probably manipulative.
yeah OP is not the AH for story four. it's just another example of reddit's double standards at play. should he have lied about who he was going out with? no. but everyone knows that if he had been truthful and just told his GF not to come she would've thrown a fit. he was in a lose lose situation. and i'd say since they're in a three relationship he's at least given her some reasons to trust him. i will never understand this insecurity people get when they *shock of shocks* learn their partner has a past and then proceed to act like it's some kind of betrayal, or is a valid reason to be mistrustful or dislike a person.
Story 2: ESH, my suggestion would be for him to just add a groomsmen (if he wants the parties to be even).... Dropping/excluding a kid is not an option... Story 3: NAH, him think it was a test isn't a big deal (since anyone with children would do it), but you harping on the fact he thought it was a test is an issue (not an AH level one). As far as I see he passed, even if it wasn't meant as a test.
I'm happy someone thought something similar in story 3. I mean it does happen with single parents when they do tests n mostly it's women because they wanna know if guy is perfect for them. It's scary annoying sometimes I mean I understand why OP is sad but she gutta understand this does happen to guys. N guys can't read people's minds. All she has to do is show prove that babysitter wasn't able to and then state she never test him.. In all honest I wonder why commenters were bad on this story. The fact is the relationship could be great for op. Just do what needs be done in order show she didn't test him n won't.
I think it sounds like someone did pull something like this on him, he probably was tested once or maybe his friends told him moms do that and now just assumes any parent with a kid would do it. so it might not be distrust it might be that he is just expecting it because it happened once or maybe his friend told him this could happen. op should just ask if he has been tested before or if someone told them single parents do that.
@@velvety2006 Any single mother/father who is dating and doesn't "test" their partner, before getting serious is just asking for trouble. Their number one priority should be to protect the child(ren).
@@maurer3d I am not saying single parents should not do this, the safety of the kid comes first. what I mean is that it sounds like he has been tested before or has been warned by friends that op might do that. al op has to ask if that happened or not. if it did happen then it's not strange he thought op was lying.
In the story about OP’s intentions being questioned as to the daughter on the date situation. I’m disgusted with the comments. The assumptions being made about the guy are so completely unfair, and so full of unfounded assumptions I can’t believe it. Did it ever occur to any of those people that just maybe this guy has had to deal with lying, suspicious, manipulative, and self centered women in his past? I am an unsuccessful, average looking at best, gay man. I have had to deal with the women I described above so many times over my many years, I don’t think I could possibly recount all of them. I’m not just talking little tests and manipulations either. I’m talking full on bat s**t crazy, self centered, manipulative, lying narcissists. I can only imagine what an average successful heterosexual guy has been put through. This assumption that all men are evil and looking to manipulate women is ridiculous. OP needs to sit down with this guy and simply ask why he would automatically assume the unforeseen circumstance was a test. She could have used that opportunity to learn about this guy she’s seeing and his past experiences, as well as explain how his assumption and mistrust made her feel. To wrap this up. There are wonderful men and wonderful women out there. No one sex has a monopoly on awful. Different individuals have had different life experiences. If I go by my life experiences alone. I would probably claim that women are the reason I’m gay. Fortunately, I’m not so ignorant as to think the truly abhorrent women whom have been in my life are reflective of all women.
Agreed brother lol. Fact is guys can be that crazy but..... its mostly women that do the shit u mentioned.. I had lot exs n lets just say I regret dating them wish I knew what they were like. Guys sometimes get tested at random times so much it gets annoying. Then when guy thinks it's a test what should I do n it aint the women are ones that get pissed off I mean come on women been testing us top many times that makes even poor guy like OP in story 3 think is it a test. Kinda think he could of dated few women that did these tests. Lol 💀 but would love it if reddit stop thinking all men a shit crazy evil at one point. We ain't just like not all women ain't just alot of them are so u can't expect us think normal. 🤷 The advice given to OP are really bad. I mean right ones be think an be calm and then talk to him properly or even just get the text that of babysitter that states she can't that night. He's wonderful guy it seems on how OP told us. N he let OP daughter come not many guys would be okay with it but he was so relationship would go well aslong as OP doesn't become a crazy one
2nd to the last story, so OP is supposed not see his friends because she has a panic attack everything she sees his friend. Oh my goodness, can you give me a break, she needs to get over it, it happened 1 time, too much drama for nothing, it was a long time ago
OP is UNREAL Bryans parents wanted him to have an inheritance too yet she stole it but OP has the balls to say his parents would have wanted them to get along ? I bet OP got some of the inheritance and is pretending not to know
That's an important consideration. My sister hasn't spoken to me for years because I didn't give my full-throated support to her third marriage, at a Loss Vegas drive-through chapel. She also hasn't spoken to our parents in years, and has specifically told me she wants nothing from them. No doubt "I stole her inheritance" will be one one of her grudges against me at some future date. The simple fact is we know nothing about Brian and Brenda's inheritance.
The fact that your kids don't like Brenda either shows Bryan's claims have some merit.
Given how OP says their mother died when they where very young, and she only says she looked out for Brenda, despite Brenda being 4 years older than Brian... I'm thinking OP has some sort of weird obsession with Brenda, probably treating her better than her own children.
Like Brenda is the "Golden Child" despite not actually being her child.
Am I the only one who wants to know why her kids don't like Brenda? I really want to know Bryan's version of history too.
And I'm guessing her kids aren't crazy about OP, either.
"spirited" is usually code for argumentative and bullying.
@@samoanjoseph1457 just the way the post was worded, sounded like one controlling narcissistic spinning the situation to favour another abusive narcissistic. Oh yeah……. But they both go to church. 😂
Story 1
Brenda comes of as the kind of person who does their best to APPEAR to be a good person without actually being a good person.
Bryan knows who Brenda really is but OP is blinded by the facade .
Its telling that her own children don't like Brenda either.
OP is the kind of person who only sees whats she wants to see and will actively ignore that which does not match what she wants to see.
Very well put. I have a cousin like that. Very "pillar of the community", very "high up in the church", but when our uncle was dying, she and her husband stole from his house while he was dying in the hospital. I refuse to have anything to deal with her and her husband, but my mother doesn't understand. My mother keeps saying "we're family" and it happened so long ago. My life is perfectly ok without them.
OP doesn't care because "church"
it makes you wonder if Brenda called the shots at op's home after her parents died 'but hunny we have to do this for Brenda, she lost her parents we are the only family she has left' i think favoritism goes beyond Bryan if her kids don't like her.
It's funny how OP (and others) can paint a perfect picture, from their own perspective, of everything that's wrong but can't see it
She is dumb af. I knew this already after she stated that Brenda is nice, she goes to curch every sunday. 🙄
So did my great-uncle who has beaten his wife.
Imagine thinking someone is a good person simply for going to church.
Unfortunately to many people believe that the act of behaving oneself for one-two hours every sunday in church makes you a good person.
Seriously.
I'm sorry to any Christians who think that way, but for the rest of us (including sensible Christians here) it's like saying "But we both like chocolate, so they must be a good person" or "We both like Marvel Movies, so they must be a good person"
Even if you're religious, you should be aware that there are truly awful people who share your faith (or at the very least go through the motions of it), and you should be on the lookout for them.
Didn't you know? Torquemada was a wonderful person.
@@TonySamedi Yep and as nonconformist Catholic I can remind you that Elizabeth Parris, Abigail Williams, Ann Putnam Jr were among some of them.
Is ironic since there are some religious hypocrites, Hitler was religious too wasn't he?
Story 1: YTA "Brian says she's a bully and she stole his inheritance but she goes to church and he doesn't so she must be a good person"
I like how OP took Brenda under her wing but not Brian who had also lost his mom. OP presented herself as aassive asshole before we even got to the issue.
Of course Brenda goes to church. She's trying to get into heaven. And she definitely thinks she wouldn't if she were judged solely on her personal life.
This sounds very similar to another story where the sister believed her sister could do no bad and she didn't believe it even when a friend told her 'yea she is nice when your around but a bitch to everyone otherwise'
Yeah,when she said that,it really irked me! Goes to church ,so automatically she's a good person ? Not exactly ..
@@samoanjoseph1457 none of you idiots have heard Brenda's side Church does not ge you to Heaven its just something they have in common that Brian does not enjoy going to church does not make anyone a Christian same as sitting in a garage does nt make someone a car and she took her under wing because she is the girl and they relate to girl things it does not mean she does not love or was not there for Brian
I raised an eyebrow immediately as soon as I heard the Church thing, in the words of my childhood priest: "A person who doesnt go to Church but is a good persom is viewed more favorably im the eyes of God than a person who goes to Church every sunday but is a bad person"
Story 1: When the OP said "She goes to church with, and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." I already knew who the idiot was. OP sounds very judgemental and is showing blatant favoritism. I'm thinking OP has a lot to do with why Bryan doesn't have anything to do with his sister. I wonder if OP's favoritism is because Brenda is just like her.
Same. Once I heard the "Goes to Church" line, I knew OP would be the AH.
I had to hear her "sob story twice" just to see if I was going crazy
It's also telling that OP's son doesn't like Brenda either.
right and really rude of her to gush about brenda basically instead of asking him about his life or anything, that whole thing was revolving around brenda and brenda's feelings. She is worried about brenda because brenda doesn't have any family left but what about Bryan? he doesn't have any family left either. She sounded like a really gross judgmental person.
@@anwarpine6797 the most Judgemental usually go to church.
I caught on when she said "spirited" and "doesn't mean what she says". Code for overbearing and unapologetically catty. The fact that OP considers going to church a character trait speaks volumes too.
Story 1: HARD YTA
I have a very strong feeling that OP is keeping certain information out of this story, cause it sounds like she is trying hard to make her nephew out as the bad guy.
"She goes to church with me and Bryan and his wife haven't stepped foot into a church in a long time." Yea... That just screams condisending, cause apparently since Brenda goes to church, she can't be a terrible person in OP eyes.
But yeah, 100% AH for OP and I hope her nephew and his new family never has to deal with her again.
I was going to say to same thing. Seems like op is very frugal with the info she is sharing
@@nalaka3488 oh yeah.
@@SnowyWolborg I say Hard YTA, cause it painfully obvious OP is playing favorites and even tried to paint the Nephew as the bad one.
@@SnowyWolborg i say YTA. It takes a lot of work to be this unaware, especially over a period of so many years
Just because someone goes to church, it doesn’t automatically follow that they are a good person! My stepfather went to church too and he definitely wasn’t a good person.
Last Story: Always remember the "Waiter Rule": If someone is nice to their date but mean to the waitstaff, they are not a nice person. The stepdad in this story is a real piece of work.
That mother doesn't want OP leaving because she doesn't want to lose her babysitter, the other sister should leave too.
@@IzzyPR2010 or doesn't want to raise a baby on her own.
@@catherinep2034 Or she has realised her new husband is abusive, and is hiding behind or trying to shield herself with her kids...."Oh, he won't hurt me, while the girls are around."
@@sherrygibbs7547 oh yes, very possible
@@IzzyPR2010 That and the other comment might be right as well about the losing child support. It didn't sound like dad had 50/50 custody. So if dad only had visitation rights then he would have been paying CS. I hope OP convinces dad to go to court and make it official while she works on convincing sister to join her.
Story 2: NTA. Honestly his Daughter not being in makes more since. Two of his kids, two of your kids. If it isn’t a big deal then he really shouldn’t be fighting you on this.
Agreed. And getting worked up about numbers being even is very silly. Perhaps they should just add some other boy out of the wider family if it is so important. But I would talk to the adoptive daughter tbh, because it might be that she saw some red flags in his behaviour towards her, when noone else was around.
Get a friend and even out the Groomsmen, I don't know if I would marry him , you dropping his daughter means u don't think of her as your own, yet that's exactly what he suggested for your daughter therefore by his own "logic" admitting he doesn't think of her as a daughter.
Why can't OP have her daughters as bridesmaids and her fiancé's daughter as Maid of Honour? She is older. Otherwise ditch the fiance, he is either OCD about numbers or dismissing OP's older daughter
@@amandathomas2061 why should the stepdaughter have such a major role.
What makes more sense is not preferring "evenness" to the point where it fractures the family. I mean, he had three kids when he came into the marriage, that must have just been eating him up inside that he didn't have two or four, but THREE. And then having five just made him lose his crap.
Brenda stole Bryan's inheritance. Thats all you need to know about that situation. Its all over money.
Maybe it's also over trust. He can't trust his sister and that was the straw that broke him
@@NODE1975 it is. My sister has "borrowed" money from me in the past and never repaid it or it took a lot of nagging to get it repaid. It wasn't the money part that bothered me, it was the broken trust. If she had at least made an effort and paid me $5 or anything I wouldn't have been so upset. Being betrayed by someone you should be able to trust is definitely painful.
This is why you need a clear precise well written will by a good lawyer when you have more than one child. My stepdad is dealing with the nonsense of poorly written will and terrible terrible Brothers.
Op said I stayed out of the inheritance. Brenda screwed him.
@@mavis4801 I totally understand. Some people don't realize that it's not always the money or the thing but the lack of trust and integrity
Fiancé has the nerve to discriminate against the adopted kid when his kids are less yours then your daughter.
Marriage needs to be rethought! He does not see adopted daughter as her real daughter
im sure she went through with it. i need an update
wonder if adopted daughter looks.... different i.e different race or orientation...
"Whoop whoop! Pull up!" Oh lord, don't marry this dude.
Later it'll be another post "why don't my kids see me anymore?"
I can’t imagine how OP’s fiancé could possibly think it was in anyway reasonable or acceptable to suggest excluding ONE child from a significant family event for such a ridiculous meaningless reason (it’s also alarming he has no consideration or care for how the daughter would feel to be the only one not in the wedding party). There is no compromise to consider - OP obviously deserves to have BOTH her daughters as HER bridesmaids and the fact he somehow believes his daughter should take precedence over a daughter she has loved and raised her whole life is disgraceful. If he truly can’t see what an awful mindset this is over such an inconsequential non-issue then i find it hard not to believe similar situations are going to crop up in the future, especially when they have to share resources across five children such as allocating bedrooms, family photos, going on holiday, car trips or outings, organising presents or financial assistance.
if it has to be even then why can't he just have a nephew from his side stand with his groomsmen, there is always that cousin you and your kids like best
@@velvety2006 Yup I would've blown up at that comment. Make him realize its stupid thing to say and better never even tip toe around that type of thing ever again.
That would’ve been a relationship ended for me.
Having an "even" wedding party isn't necessary, but is doable when we're talking siblings/close family/friends. When the couples' own children from before the marriage are the bridal party, then nothing else matters. You include all the kids, or none.
You're right, there is no way to compromise! No matter what role they gave OPs adopted daughter, it will look to her and to every attendee that she's been given a consolation prize.
The guy is jealous of OPs dead husband and since her step daughters only blood relationship is with her dead husband her Fiancé is actively hostile towards her. This guy is a VERY insecure man and strikes me as a wimp who wants to be controlling but just doesn't have the stones. He doesn't want to have to respect OPs dead husband and yet he dated a widow. If he doesn't want to have to have a dead man's child in his life the way to handle that would have been to date someone else as soon as he found out but he doesn't have the confidence to actually do that so he tries to manipulate it through the back door. I am not saying that he should act like that, I'm just saying that the way he tries to handle his dislike of a dead man's child is creepy instead of being direct. He was also creepy in the way that he failed to address the absolute equality of suggesting that his daughter not be a bridesmaid and that way it would be her children on one side and his children on the other. He doesn't address anything head on.
Story 1: Bryan made his choice. OP is definitely TA raised to the power of TA -- "spirited," "says things she doesn't mean" -- enabling phrases for, at the very least, "gets way pissed off and deliberately tries to hurt others by lashing out with her words." Whether it's someone I'm dating, a girlfriend, a friend, or a relative my rule is simple -- if this happens you are out of my life completely on the first offense. These people cannot or will not control their emotions or behavior and simply do not change (without a ton of professional help) and others always make excuses for them. I do not. Remove all toxic people from your life. It's easier than you think, at least once you're an adult.
Exactly ! I used to have an awful time with my toxic family,they always treated me badly,and even referred to me as a black sheep ,and I was a young teen then! And when I got older,it got worse ! Now I'm happy and have my own family ,and haven't been in contact with my side of the family ,and feel absolutely free finally! My mil and husband's side of the family ,are more of a loving family to me ..
Fourth story, NTA, dont date someone who is potentially isolating u and using ur history to do so. It seems really convenient she gets panic attacks suddenly when there was no history of it, and with info that isnt bad at all
Agreed 100% with this comment. The fact that no one else sees that is alarming. No one would cut me off from my friend group that I've had since high school. If you have a panic attack and you need to go home then you need to go home by yourself. Or you need to stay home if it's that bad because I'm going out with my friends . Because just like you need your mental health I need my mental health and my mental health is relaxing with my friends. You are an adult and you need to deal with it. Your mental health is not your fault but but getting help is your responsibility.
Or Mandy said something that triggered an issue but she can't tell bf bc he wouldn't believe her
From what others have said about panic attacks on another story, Kendall wouldn't be asking op to get her out of there. She wouldn't be really talking as she would be more frozen than anything. Nor does it sound like it's social anxiety that's making her panic, but the knowledge that op had drunkenly slept with Mandy once years before. It also sounds like he and Mandy joke about it to prevent the past from making their friendship awkward and ruined. Maybe op should test his gf by going out with his friends group, but ask Mandy to stay away that night while informing her why so she knows that he's not dumping her as a friend. If Kendall still gets the panic attack, he knows it's her just needing professional help. However, if she doesn't, he knows that it's because she can't handle being around Mandy and they need a serious talk. Otherwise he's going to be stuck either always having to leave because his gf can't leave without him or he's going to have to keep sneaking around just to see his friends for more than a few minutes.
@@jedimasters1462 a panic attack can last up to 30 min. Not all ppl go catatonic or non verbal I think there is missing details for sure
Yeah, that info was really tame, and given he told the story so willingly, I also believe him when he said it was five years ago. Who cares? It speaks of maturity that you can still maintain good relationships with people platonically even after. Kendall sounds like a control freak.
Story 2 nta. Op i think you need to rethink this engagement or rather dump him. He says he has no problem with your adopted daughter but he now had a problem when it came w/ the bridemaids. He suggested the adopted daughter to be out and keep his daughter in. He's trying to be subtle with this but no. If Op gets married he'll probably tell her to rehome the adopted daughter or put her back in the foster system or permanently place her in maybe relatives or grandparents.
Should have suggested they drop all the kids and hire two boy and two girl actors to pretend to be their kids…
@@michaelplunkett8059 never! Hire three boy and three girl actors to pretend to be your kids and a monkey Butler ring bearer!
@@michaelplunkett8059 that’s the best/funniest comment I have read all day lol
"We go to church together" well there is your reason for her blindness to her awfulness lol, they are both the same lind of hypocrite that spend all their time in church yet are awful people lol.
Last story: Wow. Sounds like stepdad has been holding all that in for a while. He unloaded. That said, he obviously just wants OP and her sister gone so he can have mom all to himself
It feels like this is the prelude to an extremely abuse relationship for three children and their mother... like now he's got the mother pregnant "she can't leave" kinda vibes.
I know the Feeling, I went through a similar situation, the difference is that it was cancer, she probably stayed with him so he could pay her treatments, he didn't treat her well either, he was verbally abusive, thank god I don't have to deal with him anymore but not for good reasons.
Funny but the way I see it is true he only wants his up coming kid around BUT Mom (loosely) doesn't want to lose her babysitter!!!
To protect OP’s daughter, she should look into canceling this wedding. Her STBEX fiancé has shown her who he is. She should believe him. He’s such TAH that it never even occurred to him to just get another groomsman.
Last story. OP really needs to talk with Dad about getting her sister out of that situation. It is only going to get worse especially after the baby is born.
The moment "drop your adopted daughter" left his lips he'd be catching hands if I was OP....
Thiss
Story 1: I see a lot of comments focusing on the stupidity and YTAness of OP for her thinking of "goes to church" as automatically meaning Brenda is a good person, and all that is valid, but I think people are overlooking something.
She mentions Brenda and Bryans mom died when they where very young.
Then she gives the ages, Brenda is 34, Bryan is 30.
Brenda is 4 years older than Bryan, but she specifically mentions taking Brenda under her wing when the mom died.
So, instead of looking out for the younger child, OP pretty much admits she was primarily looking out for the older child.
We don't know how old they where when the mom died, but isn't that really odd to anyone else?
It really seems OP has some really bizarre fascination with Brenda, even beyond the "church = good people only" idiocy.
Story 2: so let me get this straight,he wants the Opie to show preferential treatment to his child but not to her adopted child and is also mad that she doesn't supposedly see his daughter as her daughter (which she's not) when he doesn't see her actual adopted child as her daughter. The mental gymnastics are astounding. She needs to rethink that engagement.
Tbh in OP's position I'd call off the wedding entirely he is an AH and imo he showed his true colors. Bet he is the kind of dude that expects OP to finance his kids because "we're married they're your kids too now" but he wouldn't keep the same energy for OP's daughter, he's such a hypocrite and possibly one of those morons that think adopted children don't deserve the same consideration as bio kids. Also if she goes along with it, this kind of behavior will gradually escalate I have seen that happening quite a few times.
OP could ask her fiance to pull out his copy of "The Big Bumper Book OF Wedding Rules" and show her exactly where it's mandatory to have an equal number of groomsmen and bridesmaids... Or she COULD remove the blinkers and see this madman for what he really is.
The girlfriend having "panic attacks" every time she sees Mandy sounds super sus. If she knows she is going to have a panic attack every time she sees Mandy, then don't go see Mandy. Whether the panic attacks are real or not, she's deliberately sabotaging OPs friendship at this point because she knowingly making OP leave early every time. She needs to work out her issues with a professional not at the expense of the person she supposedly loves.
Yeah,very correctly said !
I'm gonna go with ESH, considering OP forgot to mention the teensy little fact that they had a drunken shag before. But the constant panic attacks seem more like a control mechanism. Wonder if Mandy is doing anything covertly hostile while GF is there.
Story regarding Kendall and Mandy: Mandy doesn't perceive OP in a strictly platonic sense or she would not have mentioned "Eskimo sisters". That was deliberate and designed to cause anxiety in Kendall. That being said, Kendall's willingness to work on her social anxiety is great, but should be done on her own time, not every time OP actually gets to hang out with his friend group. It can take months or years to overcome panic attacks in social situations, and OP has a right to visit with his friends. OP is not justified in lying to Kendall. Therapy for both is required.
As someone with social anxiety, it's entirely possible that Kendall feels pressured to prove she can handle every get together. Either directly from OP or because other people in her life pressure her to act like her anxiety doesn't exist.
I'm also concerned about how much OP is *insisting* that the drunken one-night-stand is no big deal. He slept with his "best friend." He's *still friends* with this woman. They *joke* about it! If it's "not a big deal," why is it still a regular part of their relationship?
Has Kendall tried bringing up her concerns? Did she try but OP insisted it wasn't a big deal and refused to properly address it? Did that lead to Kendall feeling pressured to prove it wasn't a big deal to her, either?
@@brigidtheirish As someone with social anxiety, I've dealt with a lifetime of situations where I needed to slip away. Preferably as unnoticed as possible. Kendall needs to develop some coping mechanisms, with her own escape plans as a backup. She shouldn't rely on OP to get her out of stressful situations each time. She has social anxiety, and he's gregarious. This will be a bad match-up unless she works on strategies. Being supportive doesn't mean someone has to give up on their life.
As far as joking about the past relationship, this would only be a recent development, and probably made as an ill-conceived attempt to assuage Kendall's fears. Gregarious people will often downplay in this fashion, but anxious people don't receive it that way. This is part of the difficulty of this match-up, which is why I think they both need therapy to understand one another. Therapy would give Kendall a place to express her concerns and a means for the two of them to communicate in ways they both understand. Some couples just need a mediator until they learn each other's language.
@@remembertobreathe66 I've got social anxiety, too, though it got particularly noticeable (and was diagnosed) in college. I was mainly able to cope because my mom also has social anxiety and could walk me through it.
Unfortunately, I've run into a lot of people who don't have the proper support for developing healthy coping strategies. The extreme ends are those who are pressured to "just get over it" and those who are *encouraged* to go home whenever slightly stressed. The latter usually involving someone consistently offering to take them.
So, yes, therapy would be a *very* good idea.
I have to wonder if the reason for the panic attacks is that Mandy is cyber bullying Kendall. OP doesn't mention any contact between Mandy and Kendall other than the get-togethers, but it would be easy for Mandy to get Kendall's contact information and start a little campaign to make Kendall anxious.
I think Mandy thinks OP is her property and is trying to run Kendall off.
YTA for expecting your girlfriend to hang out with someone you slept with and be okay with it. Doesn't matter that she's trying to prove herself or that it "meant nothing". Either break up with her or stop seeing that one friend. Those are your choices. Anything else is cruel and unusual.
He tried to oust one of your daughters from being in the wedding. Specifically your adopted daughter. HUGE red flag! Why didn’t he ask a nephew, a friends child or even another relative?
I’d postpone the wedding indefinitely & keep separate homes, finances & everything. Make sure you you have someone more trustworthy to take care of your children & estate.
She goes into a “panic attack” everytime and she says she’s not jealous? This is not gonna work out buddy. I have panic attacks and I am so tired of people claiming “panic attack” just to leave an uncomfortable situation.
If she can’t get past your….well past then it’s not gonna work.
And he is not lying to hang out with just her. If they both think it was nothing and do not have feelings for each other over one drunken night then y’all need to stop calling him names.
Right! I mean how ironic the females are all in a tizzy over a ons while they break their backs to shame men that walk away from their "woo girl" GFs that lied about their pasts allowing themselves to be passed around like a joint for most of college & beyond. Bottomline the women of reddit just showed their own hypocrisy once again. They admit a person past matters but try to act like it doesn't because they hate being judged for it. Which is ironic given how judgemental they are of this guy for a simple indiscretion. Can't even compare the two situations. One is drunken indiscretion while the other is a wholesale coverup of a very sordid past that informs a person's fitness as a long-term partner in the present.
"she'll have a panic attack" repeatedly.
Oh, get over yourself, dear. Yes, you can control yourself. You know you aren't marrying a virgin.
To the guy, don't marry this drama queen until she grows up.
Wedding
If he wants even numbers then he can have his two sons and you can have your two daughters. If he wants his daughter included then he should not worry about "even" and yes he can add another groomsman.
I'm like. Flower girl. Even though she older
@@SylverWolfable Agreed he can always give it a fun new name too, I was in my early 20s when my cousin got married and I was 1 of 2 Flower Maidens.
Why can’t a nephew or something be put in as a third groomsman?
Mom in the last story is pathetic. Her husband threw a tantrum and demanded that she chose him over her kids and she just goes along with it? Disgusting. Glad OP recognized the assignment and decided to move out. Screw the mom's side of the family if they can't tell right from wrong.
I love listening to the narrator on this channel. Not only do I love his British accent, but also the occasional little laugh at idiotic comments they OPs have written about. Please keep posting these wonderful stories.
Yes, this is my favorite story channel, too. I like the background music. Need to get stuff like that to transcribe with. Good for background.
For some reasons the narrator reminds me of David walliams
Yeah, his laughing is the thing that makes listening even better ! And yeah,his accent is absolutely the best,and brilliant !!
Final Story: NTA. While yes you need to respect your parents, you have every right to call them out on crappy behavior. Stepdad is supposed to be better, Mom is supposed to stick by you. And now your half sibling can grow up knowing that you left them behind.
I was wondering if mother was upset because with OP moving out, that was one less babysitter. My trigger was when she said he said that she should smile more. I went through major untreated depression as a child and remember being told that, then, as a grown woman, I have had men tell me that. Stepfather is a creep.
@@lyndatuttle I’m sure the lack of child support now hurts her too.
@@AnimeMe40 yes. I agree.
Story 4: Going against the grain, NTA. OP had a drunken one night stand five years ago and that info causes his current girlfriend to have a panic attack everytime he's near Mandy? I get super depressed and jealous when my friends show off their healthy relationships but I don't go out my way to tell them to knock it off and stop being happy. I work on myself, I let them be happy, and I know I'll find happiness. I think the girlfriend is jealous and trying to keep OP away from his friends. Was the lying bad? Yes, but at what point will OP or his friends get tired of him having to walk on eggshells and just ditch him? WIll he have to make a new friend group because of the girlfriend?
@@SnowyWolborg So lying is the answer? How about talking about the problem? Working *with* her on a solution? Has he tried that?
I agree with this, after 5 times it gets more and more noticeable to the friends, at some point it comes out why and I don't think they're going to be understanding forever if she can't deal with it- I do however disagree with him lying to her, he should've just honestly said I just want to hang out with my friends, and then they should slowly start working on getting her panic attacks under control. it must be hard for her but at some she has to deal with her issues
@Rachel Jackson If they did talk about it, then he *still* should have come up with a better solution than *lying.* That's only going to make things worse.
@@brigidtheirish I completely disagree I think the best solution the only solution should have was to break up with her immediately. It's 100% obvious by now that she's just manipulated you should dump her and Dodge the bullet
@@brigidtheirish for 3 years she knew his his friend and Mandy but knew she finds out 5-6 years ago hooked up in college. And he has to hold her hand and walk her through it maybe even therapy so she and he can be around them again
Test date- it’s like Reddit hasn’t read stories about these ‘test’ in the past and told the op to run. But he should’ve believed her when she said it wasn’t.
I'm guessing you've never had a babysitter bail on you last minute. Just because some people test their partners like this doesn't mean *everyone* does.
In my case, her son dove off his bed, hit his head on the way down, and had to go to the emergency room. That was our second date.
@@kemarisite That'd do it.
@@brigidtheirish i mean, you acknowledge that some people do it but not everyone so your comment was kinda pointless no? It’s used as a test by some but like Marie said, he should’ve believed her when she said it wasn’t a test
@@MageMalice No. I'm pointing out that *not everyone* does it. That, yeah, the boyfriend should've believed her. Also, that Redditors calling him out for being an asshole aren't ignorant that such tests happen. They're calling him out for *assuming* this was such a test.
About the guy who thought he was being tested. This is something a lot of people do, particularly women. So it is entirely possible that it is something he has experienced in a past relationship and he may still be bitter about it. It is not a good feeling being on the receiving end of that kind of "test", regardless of whether you pass or not. So commenters assuming that he is projecting because he is actually manipulative, is quite a leap. It is possible, sure. But it is also possible that this is the result of his past experiences with previous relationships. I do think a lot people on reddit have a habbit of jumping immediately to the worst possible conclusion. Sometimes they are right. But it is not always the case.
Vags loving vags... Op was out of line. 6 months and just jumping it on your bf is a test. Op can claim it was happenstance, but op choose to test her bf. Own up to it, even if it was unintended. The question would be totally valid if it was planned both ways so don't be upset. "Omg I'm sorry, it was not intended to be because I really like you and wanted to spend the time with you, but you're right. It was an unexpected test and I shouldn't have sprung it on you. You did amazing however."
Test or not. His thinking is sound. How many stories on this channel have had "testers" in it? Testing happens all the bloody time and it is not a new thing. It have been going on for decades.
@@cptfwiffo, she didn't plan it as a test, and she wasn't even thinking about it in that respect.
She gave him the option to postpone or go.
He easily could have said let's just do it another time.
Y'all are some jaded people and judging or punishing other possible SOs in your life because of past SOs wrongdoing is going to be problematic.
It's reasonable that the bf thought it was a test, but if he doesn't trust her when she says it wasn't he can f off.
@@sandracox4341 Jaded? No, it's facts. All the women I know, my mother and sister included, are very manipulative, and love embellishing their own narrative to gather attention and empathy for themselves. The guy was just wary of that, which is a very common issue. Also, all the people that were berating the guy were women (I saw the original article on reddit). It's not a coincidence.
"people that assume they're being manipulated have a history of manipulating people" WTF?! You know who else feels that way? People that have a history of being manipulated. But cuz it's a guy he couldn't possibly be a victim right? He must be the bad guy. There are sooo many women that play these games. It's perfectly reasonable for him to think that is the case. Of course he took it too far if he keeps insisting she's lying. But it's something to have a discussion. And if you're starting off with less trust it may be best to go separate ways. He may need some therapy. Or may he was just joking. We don't really know and op would need to determine if it's something worth figuring out.
I can see why Brian didn't bring his wife. Knew he'd run into people like OP
Story 1: Big YTA, and not because of my membership in the International Fellowship of Brians. You only have one side of the story, you’re the type that thinks church going somehow makes someone the better person when that’s not necessarily the case, and you kept push the issue when Brian asked you to stop talking about Brenda. Either get his side of the story so you can make an informed decision on getting involved between them, or just stay out of it!
Story 4. Does this man really want to go through life with a partner who has "serial panic attacks" when she receives information she does not like. That is no way to live. When someone tries to separate you from friends or family look out! This woman is not currently his wife, what will she do after marriage? The Reddit commentators really missed the boat here. I have a friend who dated a man, they eventually parted ways and years later through a work situation met his brother, they dated and eventually happily married. A drunken one night stand years ago in college is a big nothing burger. If he had a friends with benefits relationship with her that would be entirely different, but he said he did not.
So the answer is breaking up, not lying and going behind her back. And the one-night-stand *is* a big deal since joking about it is still part of his relationship with Mandy. I am a bit suspicious at how consistently she gets these panic attacks, but, again, *lying* and *sneaking around* is *not* the solution.
@@brigidtheirish Maybe but what's going on it's right.He made the best choice for him they every evidence that if he would have told he didn't want her to come it would have been a argument. Where is his 'SAFE SPACE"
@@chefmobius6842 Where is your grammar? I'm having a hard time parsing meaning from this. If he feels the need to lie about going out with friends, he shouldn't be in a relationship with her. Period.
@@brigidtheirish Your right!! They shouldn't be together,but only because OP's girlfriend is trying to manipulate him away from his friends.
@@brigidtheirish Exactly. Him breaking up with her would be totally fine, but him lying isn't.
This simple rule applies to pretty much all relationships.
If you have to lie to your partner to keep the relationship, you should drop that relationship.
I'm a Brit who lived in the US for 25 years and it took me several dates/relationships before I realised that manipulation was acceptable female behaviour over there to the point where I'd even hear girls boasting about it. I can't blame the guy for thinking that was what was going on but OP needs to realise it and lay her cards on the table - that it may be common but she doesn't want to play those games either as a batter or a pitcher.
I don't know whether that will have an effect or how far she can distance herself from cultural norms but it's probably worth a try.
Was looking for a comment about that story before writing one of my own. I’m honestly unsurprised that the AITA comments almost immediately went on to imply that the guy is manipulative for thinking he was being manipulated, all the comments saying he must be manipulative as if people who have been manipulated don’t exist. Pretty narrow minded of em
Thank you! This was my thought exactly. Shit testing is a try & true way for pathetic insecure people, mostly women but some guys do it too just nowhere near as prevalent as it is with women, use to manipulate ppl around them in vain attempt to keep them near when all it really does is drive ppl away. The fact that so many commenters went to him being the manipulative one through projection were actually tattling on themselves, they were the one's projecting. It's EXTREMELY common & a huge red flag. If your with someone that's constantly testing you, regardless of gender, ghost their asses immediately & never look back.
I scrolled and scrolled looking for this comment. Reddit is super sexist so it doesn't surprise me they treated it as if he was being manipulative and showing a bunch of red flags. Its super common for women to do that sort of thing so it isn't weird for him to think that, especially if he had dealt with it before.
If a male had posted it then the comments would have been about how there's a reason the woman assumed that and its because she has past trauma from a man manipulating her in that way. It didn't even seem as if the boyfriend was upset with her over it, it just seemed like he was trying to make a little joke about it. It was a reason to text her the next day and make sure that she still wanted to see him. Meeting the child is a big deal and if it's a good parent then it will decide if the relationship continues. All op has to do is show the text from babysitter canceling to prove to him that she didn't trick him. Men can be manipulated too. Reddit sucks sometimes.
It’s something some women do to test how controlling a man is. Change some little thing (like the time or the restaurant) on his plans and see how he reacts. If he goes ballistic about something as small as, say, having dinner an hour later, it’s a big red flag. Not so much a game as self preservation. If the guy has a bad temper, it’s better to know before you are too far in. I’m sure some men have tests for women as well.
Story 2: Have we found the mythological Groomzilla?!
Well I mean he doesn't go to church so that's pretty much like he's Satan. 🙄
OP with the adopted daughter needs to call the wedding off. The fact that he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to remove her from the wedding party is very telling. He doesn't see her as real family and will likely never treat her as such. She needs to consider what could happen if she passes away before him, especially if the kids are still young and living at home.
Story 1: YTA. Sorry but he is a grown man that can make his own decision. If he doesn’t want her in his life he can exclude her. I get the feeling that you may have a different view of her then you think.
What use is a panicking dingbat? What are you going to do when your children have an issue and she panics? She'll dither uselessly while your child drowns etc. These people are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.
3:43. Lol, op adding in Church attendance to get exactly the reaction the writer wanted. This is called ragebait and this one was ridiculously easy to see through. It hit all the sore spots for the AITA community.
Ah so you think they were karma farming or trolling?
Nta in panic attack story. Op was hanging witha. Coworker that then went to other friends. If i tell my wife im going to work and it was a waaaay diff work building did I lie about going to work?
Nah? For the test one. Everyone jumps on him being an asshole and projecting or but why also can't he be hurt and he was tested before? As a teen dating, "testing" was sadly common; toxic AF and it became expected to be a point. Being with my wife, I felt that way at least - she never tested me and agrees it's toxic, my word.
Last story: NTA, your mom picked a real keeper....
Last Story NTA and if I were OP I'd be telling her Dad about how the stepdad treats OP and the sister so that they can BOTH move in with him ASAP!!! Leave the two AH's to it and tell her family to kick rocks as she CHOSE to marry that AH, OP and the sister don't owe him sh*t or have to put with his abuse, both towards them and others!!
yea they probably just don't want op or her sister to move out so that mom and stepdad have free babysitters and can start working on the next one.
No way in hell would I tell one of my daughters to step out of my wedding party to "make things even" no matter whether she's bio or adopted. I'd find a cousin or nephew or friend of the family to stand with groomzilla to make it even that way if he's gonna be a baby about it. Of course this is all hypothetical because I'm male, hetero, middle aged and childless, and therefore probably will never be a bride.
as a hetero male would you like to be a bride because what happens behind closed door is no ones biz , no one should be shamed for "playing around" or "exploring " i know quite a few straight guys who like to wear female panties as a gay guy i am not in to that , but i have went in the store a bought some because they were to shy to. it is about what does it for you , and go get what you want
Yes-just like any rational and loving person. Not sure what is wrong in the head with the person in this story!
Is anyone believing that it truly about even numbers?
What i find weird is that Mandy and Op joke about having drunk sex but the gf doesn't know until now? Something feels off here. However, i would question Mandy's motives. Why would she tell the Gf after three years? Something fishy is going on.
agree, I see everyone bashing Kendall and not questioning Mandy's motive for bringing it up in that setting where Kendall can't really do anything about it and just had to take it or she wouldn't be a good sport. Op should have told his gf of this beforehand. He's telling this story from his point of view and is projecting it that she's isolating him from his friends instead of trying to find out and understand why she reacted the way she did. He's insensitive and to him it may be nothing seems like Kendall is not taking it so likely. I don't see them lasting as OP is the type to pick is long time mate Mandy over his gf Kendall. This happened to my sister, her bf would go on trips with just his female friend and my sis just had to shut up and be okay with it. Well after the broker up guess what, those two have shacked up together.
Kindle definitely puts up a show.. doesn't she have her own friends? Let op hyperventilate every time he sees a male friend of hers. See how soon she'll get tired of It
0:50
"Can be _spirited and emotional_ at some times, and says things she doesn't mean."
Aha. And that, my dear, is how I know _exactly_ what kind of people Brenda and OP are. Those are some crazy Rose-tinted blindfolds they're rocking in a Candyland of Favoritism.
You can hear the bias in the first story.
Very telling how OP spoke about Brian's wife not coming and how she spoke about Brenda not coming. Two completely different tones.
Oh yeah op, like bullies don't go to church, sounds like you won't keep a open mind bc you won't even consider he may be telling the truth.
Panic attack gf- NTA. She is jealous🙄 but you should’ve told her straight up what you were doing because now it’s worse.
Story 1: Anyone gonna mention how op hasn't seen or heard from her nephew in how long?, and doesn't even ask how he's been or what he's been up to. Yet just starts telling him what he should do and what his sister's life is about.
Kendall story- OP NTA. The girlfriend sounds really manipulative. So she starts having panic attacks the SECOND she finds out he slept with the friend ONCE? I see where this is going, she is forcing him to stop hanging out with his friends by being manipulative. Having panic attacks over a girl your bf banged is pretty extreme
Brenda 4 yrs older...By the aunt's description, sounds like a bossy "mother child" to her brother?.. Single dad put her incharge, while away? Maybe that was why there is no contact...She disappears, when he returns...some serious hostility going on here...It would be interesting to hear his side of the story...
Why did Mandy feel the need to tell OP’s fiancé that they slept together ?
That’s what I am wondering too, I can’t see that as being a necessary comment she had to make.
And when he does come to honor your mother, this is the treatment he received. No wonder he stays no contact.
"I really don't know why he does'nt like his sister" while simultaneously explaining why. When Grandma goes they will never see him again.
Story 3: Sounds like OP needs to decide if her boyfriend's low trust cap is something she can live with. Dating in 21st century has more landmines than it used to. Boyfriend's on guard just like OP.
Wow that Eskimo sisters thing is...icky
For the third one. NAH. Op likely did not mean this as a test but some women really do that as a test and it's likely he might have experienced it before. Which is why he's cynical about it.
Fiancé who specifically wants to exclude the adoptive daughter but not the bio daughter-or his daughter! Hit pause in this wedding
Holy Smoke, the sarcasm is DRIPPING from Mr. Narrator in the first story! 😂 Love it. But yeah the whole story screams YTA for OP.
If one person doesn't like someone it's whatever (kinda) and still both sides need to be considered. But if MULTIPLE People doesn't like someone, especially "unrelated to each other" they might have a point
'sHe GoES TO cHUrcH WiTH mE'
Oh boy, this was a dumpster fire from the get go😆
Dude wants to toss out the adoptive daughter from the wedding so quickly to be ‘even’ yet goes off his rocker when she suggests his daughter be out then? Sorry dude but that’s messed up. Adopted or not that’s her daughter. You don’t get to treat her any less of her daughter. And then get mad being treated the same way towards your child. If we’re going to talk about being ‘even’ it should only be his sons and her daughters. But that whole needing to be even wedding parties is just stupid. I don’t even want a damn wedding party. Too much money for them to be spending lol.
He's the one with an odd number and his daughter does not need to be included unless she is a 3rd groomsman.
@@parkersnowe exactly
Unfortunately I’ve learned the hard way that men act really well with with the kids until the relationship becomes official or marriage.
Story 2: she doesn't consider his daughter as her own daughter? Yeah, because she isn't. Can't even be considered an actual stepdaughter until after the marriage.
"Brenda goes to church"...yeah that doesn't indicate anything about her being a decent person
Ghat story about Kendal and Mandy: ok, so OP has been consistently unable to see his social circle because his GF has panic attacks EVERY SINGLE TIME she see’s…Mandy was it? Ya, he slept with her once and they laugh about it. Get over it, he’s with kendal (?) in a committed relationship and she KNOWS these are people OP has known a long time. She IS actively isolating him. Her “Panic Attacks” are so convenient. She’s JUST jealous. If she can’t deal with it then OP SHOULD maybe consider her a list cause. Its abusive to expect him to ditch all his friends for her. Legit or not, those “panic attacks” are causing him problems, HER problems. Not to mention that she is being totally unreasonable. So she just expects him to invite her to every event just so she can get a “panic attack” out of jealousy and then force him to leave? Thats abusive. If she can’t handle seeing (op’s friend he banged) then she shouldn’t WANT to go anyway. He literally HAD to lie to her JUST to enjoy an event with HIS friends. Sorry but mental illness or not thats abusive behaviour, SHE is being TA
Kendall may have legit anxiety issues, but I get the feeling that she's trying to cut OP off from his friends to get him away from Mandy. She's not just angry because he lied, she's angry because he's finding ways to hang out with his friends that don't include her. And if she's not there then she can't cut his visits with his friends short or keep an eye on Mandy. She needs to just be honest that she got bad vibes from Mandy's comment and talk things out with OP.
So she goes to church ,and automatically she's a good person ?? Yeah,don't believe it! She sounds like a bully to Me ..
Stpry 2: so it's OK to take her daughter out...but not his? And then to use the "you don't see her as your own" line when he did THE EXACT SAME THING?Hypocrite much?
Let's be real. OP can love that girl but she isn't going to see a girl she's known since was 14 "as her own" at least not compared to the girl she's raised her whole life. It's just not possible and we shOuld be realistic. It's not a bad thing. It's just reality. Love isn't finite, but it grows with time and 14 years vs 5 is no comparison.
If Rodrigo Borgia can go to church on a regular basis, anyone can.
Date story: unfortunately, the "shit test" has been gaining popularity in dating. This situation was genuine, but I can see why he would have thought that. It was rather crass of him to bring it up, though. Asking if he'd "passed the test" could be overlooked as him asking if the daughter had liked him enough to continue the relationship. He went off the rails when he laid out that he thought it was a cooked-up ploy to test him.
Story 2: I'd make adopted daughter the Maid of Honour.
To the woman who has the adopted daughter, bridesmaids and groomsmen don't have to be equal, the boys could quite easily follow the bridesmaids youngest girl in front and the two older walk behind her and the boys walk behind the girls, what's so wrong with that? problem solved, nobody needs to be left out. It only matters if you're letting one girl walk with one boy down the aisle x
or just get a another guy. the fact that he he told OP she won't even look at other b options when she brought up two downs this is a much bigger sign
Story 2 you need to leave this guy. He's never going to accept your daughter.
I am sorry I need to go against the grain if Kendal is that emotionally unstable that she can not handle the fact that her BF had a one-night stand with Mandy 5 years ago when they were not a couple then she needs to lock herself up in a room and never face the real world. Because this is a person who will have a breakdown when she breaks a nail, when the milk expires before its expiration date, or does not have enough eggs for the recipe.
The BF needs to find someone else to be in a relationship with. He does not need to be tied down with someone this emotionally unstable.
Like I said I am taking the cold route here but there is no reason for a person to be this way. If you can not face reality then lock yourself up. This is nothing. Trust me there is so much worse out there to be upset about.
story 2. OP NTA but like other people said major red flags waving if he thinks your adopted daughter shouldn't be apart. Also red flags of favoritism.
If he was so worried about having even sides he should just add another guy or boy to his side. not exclude one of the girls. Counseling sounds like before marriage cuz if he is showing that he thinks your adopted daughter a real daughter, then don't think this man is for you. You need to protect her and your other daughter.
Nothing raises my suspicions like situations where there's a clear and easy solution, but the person instead insists on a hurtful, dysfunctional and bizarre "solution." Like, instead of simply adding a groomsman, you're going to exclude the adoted daughter from the wedding??
S2 NTA time to have a heart to heart with your husband, glad you stood your ground. Call off the wedding. Major red flags
So that's what it's like hearing from the other side. Wow
My father often accused me, when I was a child, of manipulating him. He turned out to be a terrible parent and spouse (emotionally and verbally abusive, cheated etc.). As an adult I realize that was a red flag. Manipulators see manipulation everywhere.
She should end it. If he doesn’t believe her about this small thing, he’s not going to believe about big things too. He’s also probably manipulative.
yeah OP is not the AH for story four. it's just another example of reddit's double standards at play. should he have lied about who he was going out with? no. but everyone knows that if he had been truthful and just told his GF not to come she would've thrown a fit. he was in a lose lose situation. and i'd say since they're in a three relationship he's at least given her some reasons to trust him. i will never understand this insecurity people get when they *shock of shocks* learn their partner has a past and then proceed to act like it's some kind of betrayal, or is a valid reason to be mistrustful or dislike a person.
Brenda goes to church and he doesn't. Yup that's the problem right there. That's how she sees the both of them
Story 2: ESH, my suggestion would be for him to just add a groomsmen (if he wants the parties to be even).... Dropping/excluding a kid is not an option...
Story 3: NAH, him think it was a test isn't a big deal (since anyone with children would do it), but you harping on the fact he thought it was a test is an issue (not an AH level one). As far as I see he passed, even if it wasn't meant as a test.
I'm happy someone thought something similar in story 3. I mean it does happen with single parents when they do tests n mostly it's women because they wanna know if guy is perfect for them. It's scary annoying sometimes I mean I understand why OP is sad but she gutta understand this does happen to guys. N guys can't read people's minds. All she has to do is show prove that babysitter wasn't able to and then state she never test him..
In all honest I wonder why commenters were bad on this story. The fact is the relationship could be great for op. Just do what needs be done in order show she didn't test him n won't.
@@black-wizard-zeref agreed. I’m glad someone actually said something about it. Btw Reddit people are projecting
I think it sounds like someone did pull something like this on him, he probably was tested once or maybe his friends told him moms do that and now just assumes any parent with a kid would do it. so it might not be distrust it might be that he is just expecting it because it happened once or maybe his friend told him this could happen. op should just ask if he has been tested before or if someone told them single parents do that.
@@velvety2006 Any single mother/father who is dating and doesn't "test" their partner, before getting serious is just asking for trouble. Their number one priority should be to protect the child(ren).
@@maurer3d I am not saying single parents should not do this, the safety of the kid comes first. what I mean is that it sounds like he has been tested before or has been warned by friends that op might do that. al op has to ask if that happened or not. if it did happen then it's not strange he thought op was lying.
How often a person is inside a church says nothing about that person except how often they're inside a churc.
In the story about OP’s intentions being questioned as to the daughter on the date situation. I’m disgusted with the comments. The assumptions being made about the guy are so completely unfair, and so full of unfounded assumptions I can’t believe it.
Did it ever occur to any of those people that just maybe this guy has had to deal with lying, suspicious, manipulative, and self centered women in his past?
I am an unsuccessful, average looking at best, gay man. I have had to deal with the women I described above so many times over my many years, I don’t think I could possibly recount all of them. I’m not just talking little tests and manipulations either. I’m talking full on bat s**t crazy, self centered, manipulative, lying narcissists.
I can only imagine what an average successful heterosexual guy has been put through. This assumption that all men are evil and looking to manipulate women is ridiculous.
OP needs to sit down with this guy and simply ask why he would automatically assume the unforeseen circumstance was a test. She could have used that opportunity to learn about this guy she’s seeing and his past experiences, as well as explain how his assumption and mistrust made her feel.
To wrap this up. There are wonderful men and wonderful women out there. No one sex has a monopoly on awful. Different individuals have had different life experiences. If I go by my life experiences alone. I would probably claim that women are the reason I’m gay. Fortunately, I’m not so ignorant as to think the truly abhorrent women whom have been in my life are reflective of all women.
Agreed brother lol. Fact is guys can be that crazy but..... its mostly women that do the shit u mentioned.. I had lot exs n lets just say I regret dating them wish I knew what they were like.
Guys sometimes get tested at random times so much it gets annoying. Then when guy thinks it's a test what should I do n it aint the women are ones that get pissed off I mean come on women been testing us top many times that makes even poor guy like OP in story 3 think is it a test. Kinda think he could of dated few women that did these tests. Lol 💀 but would love it if reddit stop thinking all men a shit crazy evil at one point. We ain't just like not all women ain't just alot of them are so u can't expect us think normal. 🤷
The advice given to OP are really bad. I mean right ones be think an be calm and then talk to him properly or even just get the text that of babysitter that states she can't that night. He's wonderful guy it seems on how OP told us. N he let OP daughter come not many guys would be okay with it but he was so relationship would go well aslong as OP doesn't become a crazy one
I mean, what do you expect, its reddit lol
Remember, if there isn't any AH in a story, Reddit will make something up so a guy is the AH
2nd to the last story, so OP is supposed not see his friends because she has a panic attack everything she sees his friend. Oh my goodness, can you give me a break, she needs to get over it, it happened 1 time, too much drama for nothing, it was a long time ago
OP is UNREAL Bryans parents wanted him to have an inheritance too yet she stole it but OP has the balls to say his parents would have wanted them to get along ? I bet OP got some of the inheritance and is pretending not to know
His daughter can be an usher. Problem solved
When ur a good person when u go to church 😂 ive never been so i guess im pretty much the devil
What the Hell does going to church have anything to do with being a good person..
Going to church doesn't make you a good person being a good person makes you a good person
If there was a will, and things were written down then , Brian can't do anything. Maybe parents saw the infighting between Brenda and Brian.
That's an important consideration. My sister hasn't spoken to me for years because I didn't give my full-throated support to her third marriage, at a Loss Vegas drive-through chapel. She also hasn't spoken to our parents in years, and has specifically told me she wants nothing from them. No doubt "I stole her inheritance" will be one one of her grudges against me at some future date. The simple fact is we know nothing about Brian and Brenda's inheritance.
‘You don’t consider my daughter also your daughter’ BIT RICH FROM THE GUY WHO SUGGESTS THE ADOPTED ONE ISN’T ANYONE’S DAUGHTER! Red flags everywhere 🚩