ON GASLIGHTING: Breaking the Gaslit Spell. Reprogramming Your True Self-Narrative. Expert
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 12 ก.ย. 2024
- In this video I demonstrate a technique that is designed to reprogram the thinking and feeling patters of a person with SLDD (Self-Love Deficit Disorder/codependency) who has been unmercifully gaslit by their pathological narcissist. This exercise neutralizes untrue and false self-narratives that were gaslit/implanted into the victim's psyche.
By creating a visualization of a sympathetic person watching their gaslit selves, they get to see/understand/feel (though the eyes of this person) who they really are; and how that contrasts the self-hating insecure person with whom they have been gaslit into identifying.
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC latest book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (2018) and his personal development, seminars, workshops, and other services can be found at his Self-Love Recovery Institute company, www.selflovere...
Ross is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness, and author and is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment.
His book, “The Human Magnet Syndrome” sold over 120,000 copies and is translated into ten languages. Ross’s TH-cam channel has amassed over 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers. He is a keynote speaker and educator who has presented educational workshops in 30 States/70 cities and abroad. Ross has been regularly featured on national TV and radio.
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#gaslighting #rossrosenberg #narcissisticabuse #PTSD
It amazes me how, even non-narcisists think that having strong emotional reactions equals crazy/insane/mental illness. Having and showing emotions or getting upset is humanity, not insanity.
@@joec1212 some people are just out of control. Narcs are retarded in that regard. Can't control themselves, yet try controlling others... Yeah, sure, that's going to end well. 😎✌ Just LOL @ them. What a moron I was for getting roped in to begin with! LOL @ ME!! YEAH, WHATEVER! 👍
Ultraviolet Morgan yes. Other sled people not ready to recover, believe you can not have natural anger toward ill treatment.same family, same issues, friends attracted are like your previous self. Like attracts like. And then u want to break your addictions, and they fear your not stable, in your new stability. They fear you might show them that they too are in an unhealthy place. I see it in 95% of those around me and knew it would be very difficult. Plus this whole new age dogma teaches them that your own thoughts attract it all to you. This is lie. Your malignant optimism and empathy sets you up to expect to receive what you give. This fails miserably with damaged personality disordered persons. They will pray on your innocents, and suck the milk and honey, and move onto another victim. The fake cold empathy can be deceptive. Trust your thoughts, feelings and intuition. Keep grounded and reflect on fair equal treatments. If you can’t ask for it, there is big red flags. Don’t ignore them.🌸
@Joe c please listen to the first part of the video again. This video of her being emotional and screaming was set up by the abuser to make his prey look unstable and insane. That is one of the most insidious parts of their abuse. Finally the gaslighting sets up a cycle like a tornado develops into a hurricane. Then also it seys up the prey to be declared insane. They try to tell ppl. No one believes them. The evidence is slim to nothing of the secretive nature of the abuse. This type of manipulation silences the survivor and sets up learned helplessness.
How do i know so well? Surviving it right now by medical staff after a lifetime of it as the family scapegoat.
@@joec1212 Everyone has a breaking point. Some people will persist until they find yours. It might take a year or two of a lot of sleep depravation and strange accusations and telling you your body is ruined from all the men that have "obviously" ploughed through you not to mention the way you get up off your chair or the sneering look he/she regularly tells you you give them "I know that look, i saw you sneer at me..". Maybe you endure this and way way more like humiliation in public by shouting that you have clearly had sex with that man over there or whatever. Maybe you endure this because you know yourself and you are secure in yourself and you love this person that turns on you at random moments pretty much every day or maybe even tortures you for hours until you prove to them that you really are faithful and loyal and loving (there's never a way to prove this - you do everything but they still want something more that you are not giving). You endure this for a long time... because you are trying to prove to them how much you love them and hope that they will get it, that they will engage with you in the love again like it was at the start. But when these patterns have normalised over a year or two or more.. well, everyone has a breaking point.
Especially when the narc instigated a fight just TO video the victim responding to threats.
The story we tell ourselves in our minds is extremely important for surviving against negative people.
Thank you so much for your generosity Dr. Ross. You have helped me a lot to understand the rooth of my problem: SLDD (narcissist parent) that configurated me to match to narcissist couples. Thanks to you, I'm feeling gaining terrein on my way to develope and live in Self Love. After about three years working on it after the discovery of my former signifacnt one been a covert narcissist with borderline disorder. At last, I can feel self love, and I've had the chance to detect, and get away from any patological narcissist I've been in touch with recently. Thank you always!❤️❤️❤️
I have experienced a lifetime of gaslighting, it's all I've really known in my life experience. I know what it's like and I just want to say I am so sorry, whoever is going through this. You are not crazy. You are the target of a sadistic calculating predator. An evil being that is barely even human. So don't ever think that you are less than them. These people have no value. Their worth is generated from how much they can damage their victims. They are extremely insecure and have an inferiority complex. They are extremely envious and jealous. Their gaslighting tactics and bizarre behaviours should only remind you of how worthless and insignificant these people really are.
THANK YOU!
What mental health care providers can help you with this? I have searched and searched and consulted with different counselors in multiple sessions and no one can seem to help me.
great comment friend ...
in my experience it was a spiritual path that helped ..
(when all is said & done , it's a 'spiritual battle'.)
& now all of us ..the wonderful community on YT...
@@Xll148 Google search Therapists in your area, click on psychology today and go to therapists in your area. i would search for Trauma and personality disorders expertise.
You described my mother to a tee. I honestly thought I was crazy. It wasn't until 10 years ago I went to therapy and discovered I wasn't at all. I'm 61 years old. Thank God for therapists and stress writing. 👍🏾👍🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Well I was almost 70 yrs old when I woke up to this toxicity woven throughout my entire life 🌺💖
your very similar to me... God bless you!
Same. It wasn't till my mother was diagnosed in her 80s that my family of origin believed me.
I realized my own narc mother is like this when I was 25. I am currently recovering from being in her ensnarement in the age of 26.
If we see an abandoned animal,; hairless, starving, homeless and depressed, we take action. in a short amount of time, with much love and caring, nutritious food, this animal thrives. Why can't we have the same compassion for humans who suffer?
SADLY TO SAY, U R 100% RIGHT ABUSED ANIMALS GET HELP SOONER THAN ABUSED CHILDREN,& GIRLS ,& WOMEN ....HOW SAD THIS REALITY IS IN STL.MO.USA,& ILLINOIS RIGHT NOW HERE TODAY..5/9/2022
PEOPLE CAN BE SO, SO , SO CRUEL
I’ve always said this n shared the like
Narcissists can not rob the light from animals but they can from you
Listening again now that I am no contact with the original narcs (Mom and Dad 🤷♀️) I am finally healing mentally, physically, and spiritually. I also had to separate from many people. One by one I had to watch the relationship dynamics and evaluate these relationships. It's unbelievable how common this tactic is. Baiting combined with gaslighting, gossip, triangulation, and ULTIMATELY ostracization 🤷♀️ All so they can remain unaccountable for their nefarious ways and scapegoat the only decent person in the group 👍
yes, it's all about them manipulating your perception of reality....
really needed this now,
thank you Ross ...much love & respect....
I’ve listened to the first 8:15 minutes. It’s SO triggering that I’ll have to watch a bit at a time. 30 years of marriage , 3 and a half out now. I’ll be fine for awhile, making great strides, then, BAM, it all floods back. I’m hopeful and have faith that I will find ME again: Brilliant, strong, talented, and influential. I’ve worked hard to heal, but I finally realize it takes time. The psychological abuse and twisting almost destroyed me.
Hang in there. It takes talk, tears and time. Talking to people who understand helps. CPTSD needs to be managed. Any adrenal support supplements should help (need lots of help with emotional stress). I used Dr Berg's Sleep Aid supplements to great effect.
God bless you and keep you.
Monica me too. I can barely make it through watching it in parts 🥺
Monica sending you well wishes. I’m walking after 36 yrs. we existed before them, and will thrive with out them. All other belief was gaslighted. Love love love to you! Love to me too, and all those who read this! None of this was love. We can be the love we are now. 🙏🌸
I hope you are feeling better now. The doctor is so helpful and I'm sure you have listened for a while now and worked it. You are lovable and you are loved!
Seriously this was my exact situation, my ex- husband convinced me I was mad and made him do it, both the violence and complete degradation to the point I suffered a complete mental breakdown which only served to validate what he’d been telling me all along. He’s now with someone else though refuses to give me a divorce continuing to try to gaslight me through my children. It’s been eight years since I finally got him out of my life and it still goes on. He manipulated everyone around me. Including my children to believe what he said about me, that I was mad because of my reactions whilst he seemed to be the rational calm one. It’s a horrifying, terrifying situation to be in. To doubt yourself to your core, to have everyone around you be convinced of “ your damage” and I truly empathise with those in this position, people need to be made more aware that not everything is always as it seems and to be more empathic and sympathetic, to look deeper and not to be immediately judgemental based on what “seems to be true”.
Totally relate
💗
@@carolinepostlethwaite4861 Same here.
This is the powerful truth spoken here today! Anyone who down votes this truth must be triggered in their own narcissism . It’s absolutely heinous what the real broken humans do to innocent empaths who end up absorbing their pain and receiving a transference of the self hatred . Awful stuff for any human to go through. Thank you Ross for being a light at the end of many darkened tunnels 🙏
My narc has went as far to tell me I need to get on disability ....
I know after watching all your stuff that I am just suffering from PTSD from being involved with yet another narcissist . A lot of us think we are mentally ill however we have never truly experienced life without a narcissist . So much growth is happening here for many , and I am learning my value . ❤️
I am not mentally ill. I am not broken . I am an abuse survivor . I will overcome this .
So beautifully articulated. Just to share my experience to encourage and support others on theirs. Married a covert narc for nearly 10 years, currently almost divorced. Most painful experience of my life. Spent first 5 years getting sick. Worked to recover physical health in the next 5, simultaneously educating my self on the nature and cause of toxic relationships and mental health with a view to try and understand my misplaced apparent misery. For me, it was clear to see the enemy was a hidden one!
With self help online videos and books, came to realise and understand I was married to 2 people : the nasty, heinous person lived in total secrecy behind the kind, considerate mask which was the only personality that was ever projected. Always calm and collected. Disclosure of duplicity came via proofs of adultery which were always gaslighted if not forgiven. My normal confident self was ruptured and broken through self doubt (mental disdonance). As I began to understand what/Who I was dealing with, I reciprocated the starvation (him emotionally starving me. Me starving him of fuel!). I started to witness balance of power shifting. Beyond that, strategy to escape was finally within reach.
If you have survived, you can do it. Stay strong. Good luck.
@@69er775 sharing experience helps, but an exhausted mind and body needs more than that. In the earlier days when going through CPTSD, my chiropractor advised on taking adrenal support supplements for stress (emotional). I had no idea what he was talking about but took them any way. They really worked to calm down the anxiety, nerves and consequently sleep. Having looked it up, it turns out the adrenal glands are the bodies own pharmacy which pumps out it's own hormones. So under stress, the body generates it's own toxins and can't switch off which is why we end up exhausted. Look it up. Available online. Good luck 😊
@@Phoenix-kf4xo I commonly tell abuse victims this too, they should also try relaxation/ st. Johns wort tea, and we also become magnesium deficient. Natural calm magnesium is a good brand!🌝
@@kendrabennett2843 thanks that's great advice. It's all doable. Just navigating around the pain is difficult. Happy journeys finding yourself
@@julie0060 I feel your pain but at least if you know what the problem is, you have a chance of dealing with it. The good news is, you have a direction and a goal : to claim your life back. I have found meditation really helps too (in addition to adrenal support supplements). It helps to bring the seperateness (mental dissonance) together if it makes any sense. Never knew how to do it but there is a free app called Headspace that walks you through it. It's one step at a time and recovery process can't be rushed. And 5 years on, for me, there is more good space in everyday than before. And I shift my focus from the pain of the past to the promise of a future . And so the emptiness is being replaced with a togetherness/wholeness.
Thanks for this video, Ross. My two exes did this to me - they’d be creepy calm while saying the most horrible things to me, then when I finally reacted, it was bingo! told you you’re crazy/the problem. I’m working on making sure I never have another one of these people in my life.
djravenblack #NarcdMeToo
You go girl! I am too, I'm going 100% no contact and going to stay alone and heal for the next 2-4 years!😀✌
Kendra Bennett it has been so nice on my own for the last few years. I’m enjoying it for the first time in my life. Best wishes on your healing journey too ❤️
@@DJaneSyria I know I will too!✌🙏💪 love and light beautiful!🐈
Omg me too, my ex would constantly snap at me put me down interrupt me and say sideways things and then when I would blow up and have a mental breakdown he would chastise me for being insane. The funny part is when I suggested I see a psychologist ( he really had me believing I was crazy) he would tell me that any psychologist I would see would probably just make my issues worse
A fear is to become completely alone, because family members and friends they adopted my abusers opinion, I have a strong feeling I've been gaslighted through triangulation. It's really helpful topic. Thank you Ross
If family members adopted abusers opinion, there is a good chance they too are abusive/dysfunctional, in which case you don't need them either!
Road to recovery is a lonely one. But it's ok as the lessons learned will last a lifetime. And no one will ever take those away from you ever again. Not even a narcissist 😊
Your points really makes sense for me, thank you.
It's better to be alone and get healthy then we can find our true tribe/family. Abusers and flying monkeys do not need to stay in our life, just because we don't want to be alone. I used to feel this way, but it's because the abuser set up the whole paradigm as a last trap when we start waking up and get ready to stop being abused!
I have listened to many Utube videos now, on discovering the behaviour for a year and a half. However not till your video Ross did l really relive the soul distroying Behaviour my husband put me through, l remember when l was distraught at the things he would say to me oh so quietly really wicked things he would smile. It started as soon as 2 weeks into the marriage and l left after 28 years having had a serious breakdown. I new because of that breakdown, and l wanted to die. I began to see he was (WHAT) ? I DID NOT KNOW. But very clever at manipulation of me. At one point my adult child said can't u see what he is doing. By the time l left l had developed a heart condition, and severe pain in my back which to this day in my seventies l suffer with chronic pain almost everyday. I live alone as my adult child has learnt well his traits. So NC is best. And to close l forgave him, he got old, and was struck down with a stroke ect, and passed away. And the strange, only not so strange thing is he outside the home was loved and liked. And called an open book by one person. Since he has gone l have come to realize how l was robbed of a happy life. U can never get time back.
I think this is what Alice Miller means when she says, we need a compassionate witness.This is what I looked for in psychotherapists but didn´t find
Alice Miller's work had profound impact on the development of my work. She's brilliant!
Yes, when her first books were published, in Germany among a lot of the people I knew who were in a psychoanalytik process Alice Miller was like an epiphany. But it saddens me to read from her son Martin, that she wasn´t able to live up to her own knowledge which influenced so many people deeply @@RossRosenberg
@@utascholl6566 Reminds me of the saying those who can, do, and those who can't, teach.
Simply having anxiety because of your unsafe relationship can be used against your case for sanity.
sad
PerfectLoveNoFear Yes, I always tried to mask my anxiety as a passenger in the car as my narc was driving (he had terrified me before in a temper at the wheel). The slightest movement of my hands he would pick up on. He used this once on the way to a weekend away to turn the car around and ask if we should go home.
Saying it how it is! 🙌
Your videos have really resonated with me and are helping me to heal the lifetime of these tactics used on me by parents ,ex husband and my sister who is still trying to gaslight me as they’ve all passed but her she in her 70s has only worsened with age. I severed ties but in doing so became a recluse because she has turned everyone family and friends against me so I’m grateful for finally learning to be ok and I’m not the crazy mean one. At age 68 it’s sad how long it’s taken me to realize and break my codependency with her. My life mission , finding peace and who I really am free from crazy town !
Right there with you in many ways. I’m 71.
Wow this is really informative. Ive just become aware that my mother uses this technique on me all the time. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Sit and take it or react and have your reaction used against you. Ive lost alot of trust in my own perception of reality and ive started to think i do have serious problems. Madness. Absolute madness. Thanks for sharing Ross, im interested to find out more.
Lewis your perceptions here are spot on! Take the trust back now that you know you have! 🌹
I hope you can escape soon.
So thankful
I am amazed!
I came home this evening to a court summons from bullying gas lighters while I was trying to take a rest for standing up with my gas lighting sisters the original family trauma. This is so helpful. I identify strongly with it all and will do the imagining video.
Grateful and appreciative
You named it very articulately
Blessings of healing to all
Yes the double bind that’s what caused the CPTSD and I was so sick and not taking care of myself and develop stuttering and an onslaught of physical affects including debilitating panic attacks. I am so happy I am free from the shackles of this ❤️
I'm happy for you as well!😀✌
I stuttered badly as a child and looking back now over all the years and learning all about this stuff.. it starts at home and we are programmed for more gaslighting and more abuse ... I now realize how sad my upbringing was and just recently realized my own mother was jealous of her daughters and she treated us like crap compared to her two sons whom she loved and cherished. Sadly I married a man that treated me just like my mother and later another worse abuser... been alone for six years now and learned and still learning all about this type of abuse... it goes far back.. fight your way out! You will love yourself and stand up for yourself and create healthy boundaries and standards and change and become the real you you were always meant to be... keep going and God bless!
I just now realized how all my ‘mental health issues’ were diagnosed and exploited. Thank you for the revelation. Now, comes the rebuilding of self trust...
This happens to me and with my trigger I end up dissociating. And then I go to them and ask how I can change my behavior. I start believing what they say is true. My ex would call me bipolar. My mom called me psycho and my other caregiver called me socially anxious. It’s hard to catch because you think they want to help you but really it’s filled with shame. Because of how I was raised, I started believing what everyone said about me, even to the point where I started to consider maybe I do need meds. I was always the one to think “I’m the problem.” To this day after going to therapy for a year also relapsing in codependency, I find it hard to shake this belief that deep down I’m the problem or that I’m flawed. But I think without my freeze response I wouldn’t have caught the gaslighting.
Had a breakthrough by realizing I only had this gaslighting crazy making problem with one person. Hmmm No one else ever complained of my faulty memory. I think they would purposely misinform me about numerical issues, like money, etc and then later say that’s not what I said. It was (whatever). Then they’d say, that’s not the first time you’ve had issues remembering things correctly. I said maybe you are not remembering the situation correctly. Isn’t that possible? BUT I never have these memory issues with others. When I realized that I thought, “Wait a minute! She’s gaslighting me!” Nope not buying that today. 🤔
I experienced this too. I knew I remembered what they said very well and then spent my energy trying to get them to remember what really happened, getting to the point of arguing for my reality. What a frickin waste of time and energy. That is a soul sucking situation.
ScottishTerrorsInLA Yesss!!! Ugh! I’m not crazy. I know what I heard and told myself to remember this because it had to do with borrowed money. Now they have no recollection of that and I’m crazy!
I am German and live in Germany. I see myself as a victim of narcisstic parents and of gaslighting, but I made the same experince with socalled experts in the psychotherapy field. My experience was, that also the experts either ignored what I told them or even didn´t believe, and there is an attitude of victim blaming like a thick wall. I am born 1944 but I think there hasn´t changed much and I break a tabu when as conclusion from my experiences I say that narcissists and even malignant narcissists are found in therapeutic and psychiatric professions
Yep!!!!
Oh god you hit that right on the nail. Born in 1955!!
Blessings to you & yours
Hello from R.I 🙋
Yes, I'm German too and have to add, that the German therapists are not very savvy about narcissism. My both parents were narcs and I had some different therapists and no one ever mentioned the diagnose of narcissism. They let us struggle in the dark! That's why I am so glad to watch videos like this one from Ross, which give me the adequate words and the map that guide me out off those patterns.
I don´t know your age. As to me, I cannot make up for all the lost decades. My socalled therapists played the game of my father gaslighting me. So in the end I internalized their projections and misdiagnosis, and during the long years of therapy I develloped more self worth deficiency than I ever suffered from before. Also Germans have great faith in authority and you musn´t critisize neither parents nor therapists. In their world there exist no offenders and no victims. Therapists are taught to be neutral, but tend to take the side of offenders, and so do judges at court in rape processes. In family therapy when a child is abused, to be neutral means to leave the child alone and charge ist with guilt
. @@boomerangsruckflug8513
Uta Schöll , I believe there's a lil narc in all of us...
Brilliant video. I'm convinced of the gaslighting all my life but my reactions to it are maladaptive. Almost all my maladaptive moments that were truly wrong happened after gaslighting.
I have been through this gaslighting all though my growing up years with my family. If I were a judge in a courtroom, after seeing the video I would have to ask the question, "why would a husband who loves his wife video what she is doing?" The only conclusion I would come to is that he hates her and wants to show her in the most horrid light he could. This is not only not love but deliberate goading to hurt her further. I would know that the husband was a gaslighter by the presence of that video. The hope of the husband would be to goad her into acting out of control in the courtroom. A wise and discerning judge might be able to see this tactic on the part of the narcissist.
Its hard to defend yourself, because they don't care to really listen. They will sit there, picking their belly button, and be more invested in that than paying attention to you. No matter how mad, or full of rage you can get, its not gonna make them have any introspection. Its upsetting trying to express your feelings to these energy vampires because they don't take anything you say seriously. They laugh at you like there is something wrong with you for feeling those feelings. It can make anyone feel like a dejected dog with mental problems. They want you to get so trapped in your head, that you won't feel anything on the outside, especially when they try to do things sexually to you. You'll lay there in a catatonic state, numb and easy to take advantage of, just the way they like their prey. Its cowardly. At least animals give the prey a chance to run! Narcissists tranquilize you and your reality to easily manipulate you. You won't know what your feelings are anymore, because its like talking to a door. And besides, its feeds them to see you like that, because it boosters their need to feel above you. They really just get a kick out of treating people like trash, and getting away with it. Normal people are not like that. They won't take advantage of you, and dismiss your feelings.
You have nailed it!
Exactly!!
This is bringing up stuff for me from over a decade ago. I knew my partner back then of 4 years and I fought a lot, I often knew it was mostly his fault. He’d start fights for no reason and was often unreasonable. It took me a while to realise that if I just agreed with him about whatever we were fighting about the fighting would end quicker and it did til it didn’t. He’d talk in circles and I’d be so frustrated and confused, he’d really rile me up and I was never an angry person prior. Of course everything was always my fault. But it took me many years before I could admit it was a abusive relationship and it’s only now as I learn about npd and gaslighting that I realise he was gas lighting me too. Our fighting got to the point that’d I kick at him as I couldn’t take it standing anymore and then eventually he actually told me too seek help from a therapist and he wanted me to report it back to him. He once punched the headboard next to my head then out right denied it ever happened the next day, told me I must have done it to myself. Eventually our fights led me to being hit in the head and fibromyalgia which he was non supportive of. He broke up and got back with me many times and we lived together too. These days I often am found talking myself out loud particularly when something is bothering my mind and I wonder if it’s a side affect from all the trauma?
I have similar symptoms.
Wow, a high school friend told me I was dealing with this and I never heard of it prior to. Thanks for this video, everyone always see the blow up, but never sees the private constant pushing that led to it.
I understand friend. Hugs
ItsTashaB MsDelicious me too
be thankful of the friend
My ex says that I have bipolar and says it every time I make contact but I don’t have insanity but for weeks after the convo I would be so affected by him saying it. I developed CPTSD and lost myself and touch with reality but I am now no contact and healing thank you
It still is so incredible that we survivors tell identical stories. You articulate them so well Dr Ross.
Far too many of us victims get so abused by pur own attorneys n judiciary as well as the law.
It's deplorable and harder to heal from.
We need valid solid routes and solutions now to avoid these conflicts and know how to navigate through these processes like court.
To top it off, we're already smeared in the entire community n isolated w no support bc family and friends also turned against us.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Do you have any idea how many SLDs you have saved from being made to look crazy in divorce courts and lose access to their children? You are an angel. Thanks so much for existing.
Thank you for listening and for the support. 🙏
This exact scenario has and is happening to me with my soon-to-be ex-husband. Thank you so much.
Julie Hartski 🙏🏼❤️ it will get better I we will heal and overcome back to what we were.
This exercise does help. Lisa A. Romano has a meditation on toxic shame which is very similar. It is all about self validation. Our feelings are valid and avoiding narcissists like the plague is necessary. My husband has videos of me too. I doubt the judge will give it any consideration if he has the nerve to even present them.
This is happening to me. These sick people provoke and instigate and cruelty abuse you. When you snap, they go silent and record your anger filled rage at them. Some states are TWO PARTY STATES. This means you have to “agree” to be recorded. In my state, it is a FELONY to record another person, without their knowledge or permission, in the privacy of their own home. My abuser is collecting a bunch of videos on their phone. Probably showing them to friends and family, and eventually the courts. I’m praying that the law and family court can somehow charge them with a felony, if this “evidence” comes to light. 18 years of vicious abuse, financial abuse, threats, smearing, silent treatments, withholding, and the dreaded triangulation with other people. When someone is out to destroy your very sanity, your family, your life, it is a GOD given righteous anger that takes over. It’s called Reactive Abuse, some call it DARVO. I’m trying desperately to control the anger, but the abuse is never ending with this spouse. Great video, and I feel complete empathy for your client. HORRIBLE how a person can hurt another, on purpose, and then blame them for getting angry. The damn DOUBLE BIND is a bitch to defend against.
It's possible to break the double bind...just keep learning and reinforcing the truth everyday and overtime it will push out the gaslighting effect. prayers go out to you.
JR AM you need an arsenal of tactics to overcome the reactions. Get in your power and find your tools. Mostly, get out of this situation...they are controlling you by using your emotional state after gaslighting you. Get really informed with what you do in these situations. Stop giving them an opportunity to gaslight in the usual situations. Write a list of the usual set p. When you see it coming, use exact opposite reactions. IE; your crazy...ok, thanks, many great people were accused of that, I take it as a compliment! No, your really crazy! Ok, then I might be a Really great perso then, thanks! No, your insane! Ok, well, if I’m ignorant a rude person, that’s the sort of insanity I need right now, thanks! No , your selfish and mean...ok, then that might be temporary until I decide who is worth more of my time money or joyful smile! Ha ha...we all have this in us!
I call it my hooly Dooley dance. Now that I can keep them at a distance, I only dance the way I choose, not In Responce to throwing off the creepy spiders of ill will. 😉
Very helpful creative thinking in the development of this exercise. I used the vision of my mentor watching me express the uncharacteristic traumatic anger I had from the malicious crazy making of the Sadist. She cried for me, embraced me and said welcome back to yourself.
Thank you for this. Seeing from another perspective is so important. You described my first marriage perfectly. He sat my 4 and 5-year-old kids down on the couch for a family meeting and quietly and calmly told them that "mommy has an anger problem and I am asking her to leave". I was gaslit as a child to believe that as a woman I was a possession and I had to obey my husband as my spiritual authority. Ultimately he was proven wrong and I did get my life, my home, and my kids back but after that conversation with the kids, he closed down my family daycare and kicked me out of the house with a small bag of clothes, and told me to never come back.
Keeping my cool in the moment has to be my biggest challenge Ross,again this advice is priceless 🙏 Thankyou it makes sence
I was able to confront one of my narcissistic enemies today when he came around by indirectly exposing him through telling him about an amazing film called space odyssey 2001. In the film the latest AI computer could feel human emotion but turned out to be a narcissist ‼️boom. I know another friend had flipped out on him and called him a #unt before now so I used that word after narcissistic and I triggered him but before he could explode I carried on explain the plot of how reverse psychology was been used by one astronaut on HAL the computer lol you should of seen his face 🙏🙏🙏 the other day out of the blue I spoke to someone I barely know and with no help he came out with theirs narcissists everywhere‼️the night before I had watched sixth sence after you recommend changing that one line from I see dead people lol synchronicity at work❤️👍🙏what an amazing journey. Bless you Ross👍👍👍🌱🌻I’m attracting real people and I’m hardly meeting anyone?
What gets me is they actually think you will never walk away from them even after years of this stuff. Even if they are aging and have a strong history of Alzheimer's they still carry on their toxicity, thinking that you will still be there to hold their hand even when they get to a point of total disability. Their arrogance is mind-blowing. Thanks Ross. I am looking forward to reading your book when it arrives.
Thank you Dr. Rosenberg, I need your help. Everything you mentioned in this video I have experienced. Sometimes I feel alone, I go outside and talk to a total stranger (a woman) of my feelings. If I don't do anything about it soon or right away, I may be doomed, I pray I will not be.
Naseem Khan you will never be doomed! Keep watching all the videos. I am , and slowly, everything in you wakes up, all the pieces start to come back. Just face the shadow in the nature of man. It’s unavoidable. We are here to see it....not to be a victim to it...when it’s all you need to see...you will decide to release it....and revive yourself back to good health...step into the world again as someone who knows so many profound truths...you will be the blessing many are praying for. First...decide you have seen enough...and you want the next stage of experience to happen...the healing and then self love in abundance...and then watch that soul you made shine with a brilliant light that no one can put out ever again! 🌹
You are on your way out of darkness into the light and may God bless you with more truth and freedom!
It’s possible that the idea you may be doomed has come from the narcissist. You’re finding yourself, feeling the loneliness and you will find the right person/ protocol help you. Starting here seems a good start. I need help too.
I'm Melesa. As I write this, a mob outside the place I'm staying now has gathered to yell abuses at me. It used to be very covert, perpetuated only by my immediate neighbors, but it has now escalated to overt harassment. There's no day I'm not threatened with EVICTION and publicly-shamed. Thank you so much for all of your videos. They've opened my eyes to the reality of my situation and made me emotionally stronger. Thank you.
I know Ross; we both have the same background from reading your 1st book: a parent as a narcissist followed by a sibling becoming one.
I have recently been SEVERELY Gaslit(or can I say she TRIED to a slight me!!). I knew what my sister was doing. What helped me was going for a psychiatric assessment & the psychiatrist says I was very "normal". I couldn't believe it due to the C-PTSD & lifetime of gaslighting: shocked
.I actually felt deranged and very mentally ill( a week ago)
So when my sister who I rarely see(she is in Oz & me in the UK) ; Tried to gaslight me again
I just started to weep. I guess it eas tears from a lifetime of such lies projected onto me. I heard her patronising tones which weren't at ALL heart felt. As many of us know too well; the twist & turns of duplicitous actions from not just a patent but then a sibling taking over that mantle; are so many layered & the pain is huge when one has lost all family- akmost(apart from her: if I accepted her back? Apparently.
.or so she dictated!)
. I am now In very limited contact with all of them. She tried to hook me back in...
By telling me how she & her kids & my cousins are there for me was Very patronising! She knows I gave no kids unlike her & used it to hurt further. The insinuation thag I was so "alone"/ sp in need. That was gaslighting as I have been horrendously isolated by mother & HER ; may I add from many. I am now totally alone
BUT...
Rebuilding my NEW LIFE
More aware now am I. It is a net they TRY to catch us in ....those of is who do Trully care. Their loss. Hardest thing ever gone thru...So, So painful and that was why I broke down and wept 3 days ago; as she never apologised despite my letter telling her how much she had upset me. (Upset is more like: near Destroyed. Another story of much pain. All in the past now ; but they LOVE to try to gaslight by false-guilting & reminding us of our losses). God help them
As I feel they are bound for hell.
My whole life has been gaslit..... but I have taken the red pill and now I ask, how far does the rabbit hole go. I feel like i now see it for what it is, but was i better off before, thinking it was me, that I was crazy.... maybe that was less complicated. Now i can see through the twisty gaslighting, but what can I do ..... I'm stuck. Now I am in a new prison. I can see it for what it is. I see the real through the gas lit words, but yet I am powerless. I'm trapped.... but now I know I'm trapped. .... is it better or worse. It's not the me I know.
I’m autistic and the ones who said they’d be my family forever have done this to me with autistic meltdowns that were sensory and I could not control. I’m crying so hard right now. Thank you for this.
Reminds me so much of past relationships. I did not understand why they would deliberately aggravate me. They would push over and over again.
This video is your best for me....It is exactly like my life with my husband...I was soooo enraged with him when he blamed everyone else as well as me for the issue I challenged him on...He was truly to blame for drinking more than the amount he had promised..A promise he made in front of a therapist and myself to curb his intake...
A few days later he still hadn’t said he was sorry, showed no remorse for his broken promise to me and started in earnest to gaslight the situation...I lost my temper...period...( his way of making me feel guilty) I broke so many things of his right in front of him...He took a picture and sent it to my sister...Doesn’t that sound like your description in this video?.
Another earlier fight over a similar issue of gaslighting me when I caught him hiding his alcohol in a water bottle in a garage cupboard...This caused him to get even by ‘trying’ to commit suicide in my driveway...It was an extremely feeble attempt but never the less had some affects on me...I immediately saw the rouse and drove him off...Court ordered him to stay away but he tried to break it by driving by the house...I had and probably still have PTSD...
OMG I think I could write a book about all the arguments, all the gaslighting and you Dr Ross Rosenberg would believe and understand it...My relatives won’t believe me...They see nothing but a calm, sweet, soft spoken person...I see what he’s like behind closed doors...He gets me every time to let down my guard and wham it happens all over again..Same shit, just a different day...I sometimes have thoughts of ending my life so as to end the turmoil within me...I won’t because I love my children and they don’t ‘know’ what’s going on in my house...I want them and everyone else to know this man but they won’t believe me...Most people don’t know what gaslighting or covert narcissism is....an to my family and friends, this sweet man doesn’t fit the description or the view they have of him....I’ve lost even before I try to fight my out of this..
All your videos are very helpful even though I am seeing a clinical therapist for PTSD from prolonged & repeated gaslighting trauma from childhood. Thank you🥰
You are welcome Paloma. I am glad you have a therapist help!
Wow this exactly what I am going through dam if so and dam if don’t. Double bind drain the life out you and I feel rage and anger that I have to control for it not to come out..
James Riebeling me too
Same!!!! The double bind is so real!!!! No matter what you do or say it’s turned against you and used as a weapon to destroy you. All the good you do is demonized and the bad is exploited beyond measure. Crazy making and absolutely exhausting. Turned me into a deer in headlights. Can’t think, making decisions is nearly impossible, anxiety is through the roof from the ptsd. Dying for solid ground again!
This is exactly what happened to me. A planned final discard 3 months ago! Eviction by cops and false allegations that “I” was the abuser, called mentally ill, borderline, because I lost my shit in anger. Shouting obscenities at my ex-Narc! I identify w/ your client and also victim of the double-bind! ALL because I lost my temper, resisted the discard, refused to move out! Wow!
Thank you Mr. Rosenberg. I was also in a court situation back in 2018 with my narcissistic abuser. It took so much courage to have him arrested after the 3rd head concussion that I received from him. He videoed me crying and raging in reaction to my phone and car keys being missing from the apartment, while I was trying to flee from him. Hours later I found my keys and phone hidden in a place that I would never put them. Hours later he gave me yet another concussion "by accident", by pushing a big door into my head. He acknowledge the previous 2 concussions, but also claimed they were accidents. His lawyer and my public defender told me that I could not claim past instances in court of his violence. He was under a court order of protection by this time. I had horrible pictures taken of the police of the third concussions, and he still got off. While on the stand....I broke down, and he was granted access to our home again. I wish I would have seen this video earlier and NOT have listened to the lawyer or defender, BECAUSE I had pictures of the previous beatings, and witnesses of the two previous incidents. He's from money, and I knew that there would be a strong possibility that he would get off Scott free, but my defernder informed me that if I were to talk of past instances there would be a strong possibility of him losing his job. I made a HUGE mistake by listening to that advice. I quietly left the state and left my things behind. I've been telling myself that I have PTSD from that relationship. Friends agree. I also come from the same background as "Susan." This previous video demonstration brought me comfort just knowing that there was someone that went through the VIDEO aspect of the abuse. I will continue watching your videos. I have many questions though......still Thank you again
I have compassion for the suffering of others but I rarely receive it in return
This my ex exactly! And I too am struggling with residual effects of this covert but pernicious abuse.
The scenario you presented is powerful, and after thinking it over, if I've ever heard "evidence" against a person or seen someone acting out, I've often wondered what the backstory was. So, I think many victims of a narc setup may have actually had sympathetic or curious people seeing the evidence. Perhaps beside the point.
Anyway, shifting the point of view through this method you've shown is really effective in bringing a breakthrough. Its a contemplation exercise that helps you see what is in the "hidden" picture, like in those picture puzzles!
I had a DBT program push me to the point of rage. Had I grown up in a normal environment, I would have recognized the signs of narcissistic behavior. But I didn’t, so I stuck around as minor abuse turned into damaging abuse until I developed PTSD.
If appearing before divorce court sounds scary, imagine trying to prove that a major hospital DBT program has engaged in narcissistic abuse including double-binds and triangulation. Therapists pick their victims carefully just like narcissistic partners. They can treat dozens of clients successfully then choose the perfect victim. In a private room with no record of the proceedings, it’s the client’s word versus the therapist’s. You can’t go to a licensing board because the profession will protect itself. You can’t sue because the average juror isn’t educated in trauma.
This video was very helpful with the suggested exercise. I’m glad knowledgeable therapists are making these videos and offering treatment options that don’t require intermediaries. Be very careful who you pick to work with. Even experts like Dr. Ramani slyly indicate that most therapists don’t know how to handle narcissistic abuse cases.
My husband actually hides my belongings. One time for ayear. Suddenly the item appeared back in my closet. I never said I was missing it because I am tired of the dance. Now my wedding ring is missing and he actually said it if the blue, "I wish I could find your ring for you " insane.
STASI style psychological warfare.
My narcissistic parents would do this all the time. I have to leave my room locked.
Watch Gaslight (the movie) 1944 - its on You Tube.Maybe put it one one night and let ytour husband see you watching it. Husband does just that in the movie.
Thanks, Ross! Thank you for your great efforts for those who seek the truth.
The narc in my life tells me and anyone else she can that I'm "mental". That's on a good day!!
Pete Macneil yep, we are mental to put up with them, yet we can get healthy in a minute after cutting them out from gaslighting us?
Can’t say the same for them, as they will desperate for the next victim!
Thank you so much Ross for your invaluable insigtht and tell us how to see this abuse much more clearly. You help walking me out of this life time gaslighting bit by bit through your work.. Thank you.
Thank you Jesus for release from gaslighting in my life, amen! Annelies Bakker, the Netherlands.
Gas-lit by both parents for decades. Wish I had this information when I really needed it. Age 2 would have been a good start.
Thank you Ross Rosenberg 🤗👍,from 🤗 yellow west norway🤗.
Eduacation is HEALING and LIFESAVER..💏👍💏
It’s a great technique. I feel much more love and sympathy for myself
Thank you, you are amazing Ross.. you have helped me heal so much in 25 minutes!
Thank you, Ross. I know that you are also that compassionate witness and that helps a lot.
Oh my gosh. I am seeing this so clearly now in my relationship. Then after some heavy gaslighting, telling me my mind is not right, I am delusional, and more attacks, then I’m accused of being “an abuser” and she tells me that “she’s the only one who really cares about me”…
I’ve been dealing with severe ptsd from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. I’ve been praying for help on how to neutralize this extreme sociopathic pathological narcissist!! Just starting the video now. Praying it brings light and help. I’ve experienced Susan’s situations. The strategies of these people are just insane!!!! It’s almost like they have the power to control the future. I know this is illogical, but the craftiness is beyond human.
Good job, Ross! This really helps. Thank you
This is a beautiful therapeutic exercise. Thank you so much for presenting this. It worked well and I plan to keep doing this as needed. God bless you Mr. Rosenberg for living your calling to bless so many!❤️😘
Omg this describes my experience & today I feel sick in facing my children who also believe in the gaslighting & that I am mad. I have been gaslight for years & yes the trauma is in my body & mind but in truth that's not who I REALLY am. This video helps me come out of that double bind & to find compassion for myself. Thank you
my elder sister has been doing this to me since childhood, the last one was a year ago when she was zooming in the phone camera on me I was sitting she did everything to make me uncomfortable on the other side of the phone the not visible not audible part the smirks the turning people against me and my training when i thought she was my loving elder sister a mentor, she always told me everything wrong about me and i felt thankful that she cares enough to make me change and she "mentors" me
I am crying...thank you Dr Ross! I come from a family of gas lighters and it has been so confusing and painful. With the help of many books and videos I have an understanding now of the narcissistic family. But, I have been having trouble with the gas lighting. In my head I am always saying but what if it is me? What if my thinking is off and they are not the problem. This exercise will be so helpful.
Been there done that. Videos helped me to understand that I was actually dealing with 2 people not 1. Its difficult for most of us to get our head round narcissism as we are generally honest. On the other hand, narcissistic people are a different breed and are generally toxically duplicitous in nature. The person you see is the contrived, made up personality. The beast lives behind this and is heinous, which is why they have to pretend. In confusing you, they eat up your life and confidence. Once you can understand this, you can start seeing behind the mask and actually see the enemy, who is otherwise invisible. Once you can see the enemy, you can start dealing with your problem.
People like Ross, through their knowledge and understanding, throw us a lifeline to help us get out of this engineered self imprisonment, which comes across as revelation to narcissistic abuse survivors. Knowledge is power. Thank you Ross
I was surreptitiously recorded and it was sent to my family as further damning evidence of my reaction to being gaslight and was unaware at that time. I have learned much, happy to escape too!!! Oddly, the person who shared this tape had exactly the same sort of melt down only a day later. Only my stress mattered and was exposed.
Oh thank you so much. I used to be in a distraught state, exhausted - saying "you're a horrible man' consistently. Near broken....it went on for a very long marriage. How I survived is honestly a miracle. Thank you so much .L
I had that also! Thank you for sharing it really helps. I’m also being divorced by the sick narc husband who has moved the younger girlfriend into our marital home within a few months. Hypocrite as he had such high and mighty morals that he never followed! I felt very uneasy and didn’t pay attention to what was going on behind my back. He has my parents (toxic) eating out his hand. Never go to counselling with them they will turn it on you. For example you see someone together to sort out the marital problems and the childish arguments and the feeling of being to blame. Then they go and see the same person on there own (pre meditated) and come home and tell you that the counsellor said you needed psychiatric treatment! I phoned up this councillor and he said he said no such thing and that it was my husband that went in saying those things! He would regularly gaslight me and say I was gaslighting him when I didn’t even know what it meant. His phone was always at the ready to record me!
Holy shit! Thanks for that. It’s hard to step out of your ego, thinking I am my mind enough but not too far to observe close enough to empathise. Perfect vantage point. 🙏
I'm in tears Ross. Thank you for the great work that you do.
This is excellent. My narcissistic wife has also used a technique that I have never read about. She has a BS degree in neutrician. I found myself weak and depressed. She did all the cooking. I got the idea that I needed to check out basic neutrician. I counted the protein that I received daily, and found it was about 30 grams. According to the RDA a man needs at least 55 grams based on his weight. I am well over six feet tall and weight 200 lbs. According to the formula, I needed 87 grams per day. She was literally starving me to death. This is something to check.
That's brilliant! I'm healing from narcissist abuse and someone who tried to label me BPD. She would also orchestrate fights because she knew I would get angry and not talk for a few days, well, this have her time to be with her other "people" and live the life I didn't share with her. I'm an educated person ... 6 weeks removed and I know I have PTSD from a 1 year relationship. Omg they make you feel so crazy. Love your channel.
I went through something similar awhile back - thanks and good exercise!
Here is my question : what if the pn are the media and the president of a country or of an entreprise and the people are the Sldd ?
How to do the recovery process when it's an entire country or enterprise suffering from this toxic situation ? Any ideas or books ?
Thank you for your such incredible and benevolent work ❤️
maybe the answer is in like minded people/friends
creating a small community.
@@bebop54 exactly!
Nathalie very true. Sam Vatkin speaks about that 👀
You’re excellent. Fantastic video. 👍
Oh god Ross tysm for sharing this. This is exactly what happened to me. It’s so crazy when it’s going on you can’t believe that it’s happening, because you would never do this to anyone else you can’t imagine why somebody would ever want to do it to you. And then you try to see yourself through their eyes, and you see a monster. And you feel like you’re going crazy looking at yourself in that way. It’s absolutely an otherworldly thing to try to come back from. Psychological torture really works. It really breaks you
There are quite a few of you guys I would like to have found about 10 years ago....might've had the knowledge and courage to have left on my own... Thank you to you and the other legit counselors and coaches out here providing a FREE service on here to those of us who might not be able to afford care.
How ingenious to use a two sample t-test to illustrate the importance of the back story. Very helpful!
Thank you 🇫🇷We need to learn what you teach 🌹
Thank you Ross, for this information. I have been gaslit by people, who were Private Investigators, who were trying to get me into trouble. I have never in my life had a history of criminality. However, it coincides with my brother-in-law's decision to become a high ranking political figure. I went into a situation where I had to deal with some rather diffulcut pressures, and people, who were designing and strategizing, to debilitate my life. I believe that my brother in law, wanted to punish me, -for he was punishing me by the fact that his brother--my x husband and father of our child--had a very serious addiction! Hence, I became the target of the rage that the Political Brother in law--who where life just wasn't perfect. I now have a new lease on life, for I see the ways in which I was being undermined! And it is horror!
you are incredible for sharing this. thank you very much.
So glad this was helpful. Thank you for listening.
Great video! Awesome content!! ♥️♥️♥️
I feel like I gaslight myself if others aren’t doing it for me. Why? How can I stop?
Thank you for presenting a solution on how to soothe myself empathetically, and not judgementally, to be able to raise myself up out of victim hood to stand confidently knowing who I am. I need every tool in this toolbox called life.
Just learning about cognitive restructuring.very interesting stuff for luv addicts n all kinds of addicts to begin a true journey of recovery w lesser relapses.
OMG!!! Separating from my narcissist husband of 20 years and he has this same kind of video of me.
How do you know, is he telling it to you? 🤔
Thanks you ....timely and very helpful. Had my first self- observable Panic Attack. Felt so threatened when retriggered by same fear of abandonment from my team. All projecting ego stuff and me trusted to system pressures at work. My team was flipping on me before my eyes. Just learned that feeling is PANiC.
Thank you so much for putting this video and technique out to help narc. Victims. It painted a new perspective for me of my 5 year relationship. Also it does link to my father and how he treated me. He has sooooo many videos of my reaction to his gas lighting. We have a3 year old together and I'm financially dependent on him as well. It's been a really long road of self healing and this technique helped a lot. So thank you again.
Thank you Ross. You put words to situtations that helps to not only describe, but then allow the target to understand and step away from the perpetrators duplicitous mindset, and subsequent evil set ups..🌹🌹
Mine literally set me up to believe my child got into medication by leaving it out emptied on a counter and then called me to see if we had any.
Double bind: It happened all the time in the abuse cycle. It was entertaining to him. I awaken feeling anxious too. Every day.
Dealing with CPTSD is exhausting. Mind and body both get stressed. Adrenal support supplements really help with anxiety as they calm you down and help you get a good night's sleep. Easily available online if too exhausted to shop.
Gorgeous and brilliant, Thank you.
Interesting technique. When I broke away from the narcissist stepmother in my life (after being emotionally kicked in the back at a moment my life was ruins) I had a strong Ned to tell trusted friends the sequence of things that had happened in this relationship. It was a way for me to come to terms with what had happened and break through the gaslighting. At that time I did not know anything about narcissism. I gotvthare by reading about toxic parents, a therapist pointing out borderline disorder, reading more and watching TH-cam videos. Anyway, the jaw dropping faces every time I told about the kind of things that had happened me still help me to this day to realize I am not crazy. That I am not the one who lacks emotional intelligence, has anger issues and what more that has been said to me over the decades...
I was told to be the parent you should have had... to yourself. I’d forgotten that until I saw this. Thank you for all you do.
This exact story is happening to me right now- the videos, the severe nausea everyday, he even has secret pictures of me that he’s taken without my knowledge and has threatened me with them if I ever try to divorce him. I have developed severe autoimmune disorders from his abuse, and I can’t seem to find a therapist who understands NPD/CPTSD. 😓😞 THank you for this video, I did not know others had this happen to them. I pray to God, He gives all of us going through this the strength to find a way out.
this is not about blaming my narcissist, but to thank him for the efforts of waking me up to my work as a lightworker, to know my light as a light bearer, and to shine brightly. so I have no regrets, but there is a thing, how can I come into self love, instead of self occupied and being a busy body, so I can't connect with myself as to all these problems about the self, when opening up about my self, is a Safety issue about the self, and all around. so the pain is greatly in lies the pain of not having a voice, and the cause of it, or the reason of it, or the fear of Safety entails. it's a hard pill to swallow, but it means that I can't never come out, or just get me out of here, for the sake of being.
Thank you very much for the video! And I wish you a good 2019!
Thank you so much Sir. God bless you.
You are most welcome Sabina. Thanks for listening.