Jesus, the guilt of making my partner support me for 8 years, fucking selling their possessions and working 2 full-time jobs, would kill me. I cannot IMAGINE putting someone I love through that.
Yeah the fact that they haven’t killed themselves is proof enough to me that they’re mostly faking the depression. Homie, you’re literally a burden on the people who love you. It’s not even just in your head. They would actually be better off without you 😂😂😂
I dated a guy like that, total pice of shit and started to get physical once I stopped enabling him. So happy to get out. I think there’s a difference between being depressed and being a piece of shit and it’s hard to tell sometimes.
Haven't watched the full video yet (obviously) but if you find a woman like her who would stand by your side through thick and thin, would sell off her car to support you, You better get your ass treated and love her back for what she sacrificed for YOU. She has rightfully earned that!
You can't earn people or fix people. He was sabotaging both of their lives including their entire relationship. It hurts but she should've left him earlier.
I used to be depressed when I was going through college. I didn't want to be a burden to my friends, but I also didn't know how to really deal with it in a healthy manner either. I just questioned what was the point of life if all we do is work until we're dead. One thing I can tell people is that, if you're depressed and refuse to get treated, you can't blame people for just letting you go and cutting you off. Overtime, not only are you damaging yourself, but it's also very unhealthy for those around you and actively trying to help you, and there's only so much they can do to help you get through your depression. Ultimately, you're the one that has to decide you want to move forward and be treated and be in a better place. There needs to be some sort of progression, you know? It doesn't have to be overnight, and it can even be years, but there needs to be some sort of progress in the long term. You can't just be in the same spot for the rest of your life and feel bad for yourself and refuse to get help. That's the difference.
Right but it's double sucky if you genuinely want the depression to go away and you're trying fucking everything to convince the beast it's wrong about life. Especially when the bourgeoisie rag on the masculine spirit and just want you to consume all your life. It can be difficult finding a good mode of being nowadays. Just get out of the city bruv. Depression isn't an illness it's a signal from your brain, it's telling you something is making you sad. It's probably your outlook on life or your situation. For me it was my outlook. Try listening to Allen Watts as that cured my MDD. Jesus was a normal dude who became _A_ son of god, not _THE._
I honestly would be surprised if someone liked school and work. That person's new name will be bot. But we have to put food on the table and roof over our head.. so it is what it is. We get 8 hours a day usually to do what we want.
@@slowfudgeballs9517 you just said that depression isn't an illness, and that Jesus was a normal dude that *became* "A" son of God (as if there was more then one???)... Even as an atheist this just hurt my brain lol
Man I consider myself so lucky... My wife was working a super toxic job that was crushing her soul, burning her out, and causing massive depression. I kept holding out hope that if she could just get a different job, things would get better. And fortunately in my case, she started seeing a therapist (which was a hard step for her), taking an SSRI (also a hard step for her), and both of those helped a lot, and then a year after that she got a MUCH better job and it's like night and day. I feel like I got my wife back! The woman I fell in love with, and things are awesome. But I feel like it could have easily gone the other way, and man, the couple rough years were ROUGH, and that "depression super armor" is a hard thing to deal with.
It is good hear this kind of story. I've been at my job for nearly 12 years and I am burning out (no room to move up, same-old-same old, pigeon holed a bit, and lots of overtime to keep up with under-staffing to stay on schedule) even though the company/people in it are great otherwise. Definitely getting more and more depressed and been thinking of seeing a therapist (and then talk myself out of it thinking they don't deal with burnout issue, which I'm honestly not sure if they do) before just quitting. Probably will end up quitting at some point as things in the office are not improving and want to get another challenge, or just try something new.
That's amazing to hear! I went through a very depressive episode while dealing with unemployment and financial issues. I'm so happy that my wife stuck with me through that rough period, I'm so much better now.
My partner is so amazingly supportive of my depression. I watched this video to see what I could do better or what skills he might be able to develop. But were good. I know people hate performative gratitude, but i genuinely am just so grateful to him for being there for me that I CANT take advantage. Im like, well hes busting his ass AND taking care of me on top of it. I'm gonna bust my ass too, even if busting my ass looks like loading and unloading the dishwasher, showering, and doing an hour of actual work interspersed between rounds of videogames and naps. And when it does, hes like, thanks for doing the dishes, you look so beautiful today, do you want taco bell for dinner? Its literally happening right now, where im thinking about how supportive he is and im like. Why am i writing this comment instead of doing something to make it so this man has to cover for me less? And im gonna go do that.
I feel precisely like this! Some days depression makes it so hard for me to even go to the bathroom for the first time at 4pm, but those other days when it's not as heavy, I think about my SO so much... 🥰 I just want to give some sort of "thank you" for being there for me, all the time. They're amazing, and adorable- I'm rambling. All that to say: I agree, and I relate.
That's so lovely to read :) I try to be the sort of partner for my gf that you describe your bf to be and let me tell you, loading and unloading the dishwasher goes a loooooooong way 😂💕
I had psychogenic seizures as a teenager. In the end, it turned out to be caused by constant panic and anxiety from my abusive household, which I had been conditioned to suppress so completely that I was totally unaware of it. But, every doctor or therapist I talked to saw me, a patient with "seizures" but no EEG findings, and then talked to my abusive but outwardly charming mother, and each and every one followed her to the conclusion that I was a manipulative psychopath who couldn't be trusted and shouldn't be humored. Some told me this to my face, and castigated me for wasting their valuable time and expertise, and taking treatment out of the hands of a patient who NEEDS to be there. With others, it was obvious from the disgust that appeared in their body language after they talked to my mother. Some did the "ultimate test": compliment my intelligence, and if I don't respond in exactly the right way, it proves that my mother is right. No matter what, it was always the end of treatment. I'm very lucky that I eventually saw a doctor who recognized, and diagnosed, conversion disorder, and started me on a road to better mental health. If that had happened ten years sooner, my life would be very different. I might have gained access to resources that might have helped me escape my abuser. My malnutrition might have been noticed* before it led to SMA syndrome. But, thanks to that easy, demonizing assumption on the part of dozens of health providers, I'm still dealing with the consequences to my physical and mental health. In particular, it took a long time to get to the point that I can trust ANY medical professional. To this day, I see myself refusing to budge when being offered a ride to the ER**, because of the overwhelming feeling that no matter how serious or "real" I think my symptoms are, I won't be believed. I'd just be wasting their valuable time and expertise. Taking treatment out of the hands of a patient who NEEDS to be there. *My BMI when I got out was 13. Any doctor who raised a concern with that got told by my mother, "Oh, he's always been thin. But he eats plenty and he's perfectly healthy." To this day I cannot comprehend why so many doctors believed her instead of their own eyes and instruments. The most obvious evidence of my abuse was right before their eyes. I've gained 90 pounds since then, and I still look thin. **I've almost died twice because of "hospital hesitancy": 1. An antibiotic mouthwash, prescribed for periodontitis, led to a mass die-off of bacteria in my gums, and the results went straight to my bloodstream. After three days of fever to the point of delirium, three days of sweat-soaked sheets and effective unconsciousness, I miraculously pulled through without treatment. I found out afterward that nobody in my family had checked on me. My mother, who walked past my room a dozen or more times every day, said she didn't even know I was sick. I later remembered that the prescribing doctor had warned us, and specifically her, that this was a possibility to watch for. (Must've slipped her mind.) That doctor later told me that, without treatment, I had roughly 50-50 odds of surviving that experience. 2. After eight hours of continuous coughing and vomiting, even my mother believed I should go to the hospital. I was later told that I had arrived minutes from death. My blood pressure on arrival was 45/0; I was so impaired from dehydration that I thought this was interesting rather than terrifying. Their first three attempts to get an IV line in failed, and the profuse bleeding from one of the failed attempts clotted solid on my wrist after just two drips. After drastic measures, including no less than THREE LITERS of IV saline, I started to recover. Investigation of the cause eventually led to my SMA syndrome diagnosis, and doctors began facing the possibility that I was chronically malnourished. (Almost ten years too late.) I'm lucky enough to now live with roommates who are more credulous about my health than I am, and who have (almost literally) dragged me to the ER when things have gotten really bad.
I have chronic conversion disorder and I have a lot of similar takes on modern medicine and the general attitude people have for not understanding how stress can physically manifest as symptoms. I echo many of these sentiments myself. Sympathies for your much longer journey to diagnosis. It's a rare condition that we just don't understand very well. I went undiagnosed for 5 years, with everyone doubting me every chance they got too. People don't know what they don't know.
I'm sorry a Mother should not be like that... Glad your stll with us as for me it only Hospital hesdency only happened once... After I was falsely arrested and tortured(Thown into a sink and almost kicked down sairs.) in a local jail in the US... when I got home I needed medical attention for a bleeded head and dehydration but with an ambulance a cop also showed up and thought I was faking it so he baker acted me a law that allows any one to say you have a mental illness and need to hospitalized... So I was... thankfully I was put on IV fluids but they missed the fact was bleeding from the back of my head... So yeah it happens.
ADHD and burnout also has me constantly questioning myself if it's just laziness or not. Some days I'm just so exhausted from trying to function I need the time to bounce back. Where does laziness start and where does self-care end?
Laziness doesn't exist. Multiple articles have been published to this effect. Philosophically, laziness is a judgement as if everyone's executive functioning and energy levels are always equal, and that everyone's desires/goals are the same too. Laziness is either: 1) choosing to relax/not be "productive" to the same degree/quantity/frequency as others because life is more enjoyable with relaxation and other people not understanding your choice; 2) super necessary self-care after emotionally & mentally taxing scenarios like burnout, trauma, grief, etc; or 3) some kind of mental or physical health reason to have lower energy or executive functioning or even motivation than other people, and without solving the underlying health reason for this the person just "can't" do the thing, it's not laziness but lack of ability to function. Or I guess 4) Malingering, as described in this video, in the sense of essentially being emotionally overwhelmed and unsure how to get out of it unless you pretend you're dealing with one of the previous 3 options, especially #3. So as for ADHD and Depression, it's so hard to "do things". We can't get started on tasks. It's struggles with executive functioning. If self-care helps you recharge enough to be able to do the thing, that's great. If you're actively recharging. Otherwise, is it really self care? Or just numbing behaviors/avoidance/addiction/exhaustion/a state that you're stuck in?
@@VioletEmerald This leaves out the fact that recharging doesn't exist in the way that people generally conceive of it. EG, relaxing by meditating in the sunlight for ten minutes will have a positive effect on executive functioning, whereas browsing reddit for an hour will have a negative effect. A lot of things people think are self care are actually bad.
@@VioletEmerald of course laziness exists, it’s the first definition you gave. Choosing not to be productive because it’s more enjoyable to relax is exactly how people define laziness.
I put it to myself like this: if I do this "relaxing thing" will I feel better, the same, or worse afterwards? Because yeah, playing video games for 3 hours in a mindless haze is relaxing, but I feel the exact same afterwards, or worse because I have less time now. If it doesn't make you feel better at the end, it isn't self care. It's self destructive. Another, trickier example, getting fast food as a treat makes me feel better because I don't have to worry about cooking and cleaning, so in moderation it's self care. But going to Taco Bell at midnight because I don't want to cook is usually gonna result in a sleepless, fart-filled night. That is not self care. That is me facing the consequences of earlier laziness, by not eating and going to bed earlier. So the same action can be self care or not, depending on what you truly need right now and what makes you feel better for having completed it. (Note, I'm also struggling with burnout and am lazy enough that if my house were flooding I wouldn't get out of bed till the water floated me out of it lol)
I'm really having flashbacks to my previous relationship with this. He didn't go to work, he didn't go to therapy, and I spent years of my life supporting him only to be broken up with when he was doing okay and decided he couldn't handle me being asexual. Now in my current marriage, I get freaked out feeling like I'm not doing enough while simultaneously being terrified of having all that pressure on me again of being the only one making money. But I'm doing better now and have been able to tackle some of my own mental health issues that really got pushed down for a while to take care of him. Taking care of your mental health is not just about you, folks! It's really about your loved ones too.
I'm glad to hear that you're in a healthier space. I'm not a licensed professional by any stretch, just from my own experience in a similar situation it sounds like you have residual trauma from what you went through in the old relationship, especially with getting abandoned after all that effort. It may be worth exploring for you to feel confident and complete in your current life situations. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a life full of wonder, passion, and dual give and take. 🖤🖤🖤
Same, except the asexual part. He made me feel bad for wanting sex until I stopped asking, then broke up with me because I "didn't try anymore". Found a condom wrapper that wasn't "our" brand in one of my moving boxes. He was constantly trying to pressure me into sleeping with other people for his entertainment, but he made me feel so unsexy and unloved. By the time he broke up with me, I had been jobless for so long because I had such bad anxiety and depression, stemming from HIM. I was going to therapy, I was medicated. He wasn't, even though his ADHD was blatantly messing up his life. On top of all that, he chose his abuser over me. And now, he's got two girlfriends and I have PTSD
@@paigeseliger836 I'm so sorry to hear all that. I know it doesn't always help to hear but it sounds like you are in a position to move on to a healthier and happier life and I really hope for that for you. Now you can focus on YOU and you know some red flags for the next relationship. Don't give up - you'll get to a better place.
@@gothempress Thank you. I definitely have some residual trauma and it sure peeks out on occasion but my current husband totally understands, as he's got his own baggage from previous relationships and we've been friends for so long we've known each other through those bad situations. He knows that sometimes I just need to express that that is how I feel and hear him reassure me and I'll have an emotional day but feel better by the end of it. Things are definitely better than they were!
I can relate to the guy's cycle of job loss. That was me for the first 10 years or so of my adult life. I really felt incapable and crippled. The last 4.5 years, though, I've held the same job, I'm a hell of a lot happier, and I've taken on more responsibilities (I'm a union steward and a member of the labour management committee as well). I wish I knew exactly what has made the difference, so that I could share it, but I'm honestly not entirely sure. My job is *technically* part-time (I drive a school bus), so I have lots of time to rest during the day and during school breaks. Working with children makes me stupidly happy; kids are psychotic and delightful. I have colleagues that love their jobs whom I can chat with every day. I've been single this whole time (my last relationship of 3 years was with someone who wouldn't take responsibility for his depression/anxiety and who slowly drifted away from me despite my best efforts). I don't know. It took a VERY long time for me to open up to my colleagues and allow myself to accept their affection. It took a long time to recognize that they like me, in all my quirkiness, even if I don't. Maybe I learned that because it was easy for the kids to like me and I knew they were too young to really fake it. Getting genuine affection from children is good for my soul. I'm still not confident I can work full-time, but I take on more things as I want to, and work hard at those, and that helps my confidence levels. I'm still kind of bad at taking care of myself at home (cooking, especially). I try not to give myself a hard time; it genuinely isn't the end of the world if I eat a just-add-water Kraft Dinner serving for supper. Beating myself up over it just makes it worse. Wish I could be more helpful. But thought it might be good to share. 🤷 Good luck out there, peeps.
You've been more helpful than you might think: just sharing your experience is enough. X) keep up the awesome work! I'm cheering for you from a random part of the world. X)
I found this very helpful and overall just really nice to read. Can relate to many things you mentioned. Wish you and everyone else here the best, thanks for sharing 🌱
@@blacksolidChrome I've been in and out of therapy kind of sporadically for the last 20 years. I've had to rely on publicly-funded mental health initiatives, as private therapy is hella expensive. I personally never found CBT terribly helpful, but DBT, which is specifically for managing extreme, dysregulated emotions, was pretty good for me.
“For people who struggle with depression, the real responsibility comes when you are well.” So many gems in this video. Thanks Dr.K. Gonna come back to this one frequently for reminders. Thanks!
I empathise with the woman here very much. My partner had a mental breakdown that led to CFS, depression and anxiety. It is incredibly hard sometimes. I think she needs to make sure she is okay physically and mentally. You can love your partner very much yet not drive yourself into a mental breakdown (where this looks like it's heading). Drawing boundaries, accountability and starting treating your partner as a partner and less like your kid is essential
IMO she’s not at fault. The husband is in a cycle that isn’t going to end, especially when she is enabling him. He faced no consequences for his actions and blames forces outside of himself. Yes you should attempt to help loved ones out of depression but only if they help themselves, too. She needs to see this and leave him, otherwise she will go down with him. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”
This is so for real. You can care about someone and offer them a shoulder all you like, but when the only thing they can talk to you about is how shitty they feel, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it's time to move on. It feels cruel, but you will both be better for it. I was falling back into depression when it happened with my partner, and after we separated, not only was *I* less stressed from having to worry about their feelings and my fear to share mine, but it gave them a chance to refocus their goals and move on from that period of life. As much as it hurts to tell people you love no, enablement is the fastest killer.
True. I genuinely think the best thing for people with depression and anxiety is to give them no choice but to do the thing they don't want to do. I imagine that's why it's a first world problem.
@@Val-ub4uw agreed, can't imagine this situation lasting that long were they not living in a place and time where this level of enabling is even possible. Having a car to sell at all, having multiple jobs even available to get...
This reminds me of your story of the guy visiting someone and kept eating the food he didn't like first without telling them. They kept giving him more cause they assumed he liked it. All he had to do was be honest earlier. She held her tongue for 8 years. Communication is super important. You can tell your partner about how you feel without making them responsible for your feelings. Nothing makes me feel closer to my wife than us opening up about our negative feelings to each other, and making a game plan going forward
34:00 THIS is how I got over my depression and anxiety. I kept listening to the voice and "trying everything I thought would work" until I gave up and tried things I didn't think would work, and that worked
so true so true I always ignored the sleep hygiene advice, the yoga, eating better, getting a routine. I thought, that's way too easy, and as we all know there's something fundamentally broken with me so it couldn't possible be that easy! then I went to therapy and came to discover I'm like every other human and if I treat my physiological needs and seek genuine relationships, I'll feel better. though this is a super simple way of describing like, 4~5 years with lots of rollercoasters lol
@@sushigivesmelife2131 I'll provide something. For me, I've been struggling with maintaining the consistency required for working out to be effective. I'm not in terrible shape since I worked physical labor for a long time, but I obviously want to be in better shaoe. I've wanted to tone and build muscle so I look and feel even better. I've tried really hard to go to the gym, and develop healthy habits around going to the gym, but the reality is, I hate going to traditional gyms. Having ADHD, it's really difficult to force myself to do enough repetitive workouts to get a positive effect. This led me to start looking for other ways to remain active. I started playing basketball like I did in school, and I started watching NBA games. I'd throw on games while I write, which would help me be productive, and made me want to play even more. I also started bouldering. At a coffee shop, I met a random girl who worked at a climbing gym. Had a brief, friendly conversation, and she gave me some free passes to the gym. It took a lot of courage to take myself out of my comfort zone to go and try this, but when I did, I fell in love with it, and have made friends in the gym. I'm more active now, the most active I've been since I was in school, and I now have hobbies besides my more reclusive ones like playing video games. Hope this helps.
I've been suffering from depression for over ten years, and it feels like a constant battle with myself. While this video deals with how to communicate with someone who may be using their condition as a shield from criticism and responsibilities, it's honestly useful for someone like me as well in learning how to deal with the side of myself that is tempted to use it as an excuse to avoid difficult things in my life. My condition and my situation in life up to this point may not be fully my fault, but I do have to take responsibility for not putting effort into managing my life and myself. Mistakes happen, hard times happen, but usually it's those hard things that I instinctively want to avoid as a way of avoiding anxiety and potential failures, are the very things that would improve my quality of life and my depression. Like socializing, regular exercise and finding work that I can handle. Be merciful to yourself for your mistakes, but work to make yourself better - including doing those harder things that you might want to avoid.
Depression isn't an illness it's a signal from your brain, it's telling you something is making you sad. It's probably your outlook on life or your situation. For me it was my outlook. Try listening to Allen Watts as that cured my MDD. Jesus was a normal dude who became A son of god, not THE. No I'm not a zealot, get out of cities NOW.
Can relate to this, especially the last paragraph you wrote. Beautifully put and well written, working on practicing that every day. Wish you the best and good luck with the future 🌿
Sometimes the support of your partner can be poison. It makes you feel comfortable and guilty at the same time killing the motivation to help yourself. Having someone reward you for depression just encourages this blurring between what's real and what's being lazy for both parties.
True, for that reason I never allow my doctor to give me a sick leave for more than one day at a time so that I'll be forced to go there again if I still can't go to school, because I know otherwise I won't go to school even if I'm feeling better because ill drown in the thoughts of "I can't do it anyways, I just want to hide inside my bed forever". It does help to force some responsibility on yourself. Also I need a mini job and I try to not let my bf pay for me every time he offers because I while I do want support, financial binding makes a love life very dependent and I couldn't imagine that going well (also I don't want to use him but that's about my moral standards more than about depression guilt I think) . Even if it's baby steps, every step you take forward is better than doing nothing and this immediately getting too far behind
But let's not blame the partner here. If you're married, you have a bunch of joint responsibilities. If the functioning partner doesn't put out the fire, both people would be financially screwed.
@@anzabi1543 That's not discipline, but a self-destructive work ethic. It is okay and healthy to stay home, until you are fine. You aren't really productive anyway, if you can barely function and if you are spreading some kind of disease, because you are too proud to stay at home, it is even worse.
The way this is framed is a bit strange. I feel as if there's a blame in someone that is trying to sacrifice and support their partner because the partner doesn't feel as if they need to reciprocate. The person that is knowingly letting the other person suffer through work/bills/house things/responsibility/etc is, in fact, the person in the wrong. There's no spin on this that can make it the other way around.
YES, massive agree. I realized my partners undying support could be negative sometimes. we can fall into codependency because we both hate conflict, but conflict isnt always a bad thing, especially when needs aren't being met. I have a natural urge to improve on my own, but someone cheerleading from the sides is helpful. as is knowing someone will be disappointed. I know he wont hate me for giving up, but being disappointed is enough. He also struggles and I support him, and know when to push and know when to comfort. if he's already beating himself to hell, I'm going to comfort before we find solutions, but the talk about solutions WILL come, not get pushed aside because it's difficult.
The epitome of my Parents Relationship. My father was the only one working, paying the bills, cooking the meals for a long time. My mother used to work and go to school but as time went on, her depression grew over time. So much so that she hasn’t worked in 14+ years, hasn’t gone to school, doesn’t have a social life at all, and is basically living life as a stay at home housewife and my father enables her behavior especially when it comes to buying stuff for her. It has gotten bad to where if my dad does not buy things for her, she starts crying and goes nuts. Their relationship has definitely affected me and my sister growing up but luckily we both were able to gain perspective and some therapy, and are able to live more healthier lives.
My parents were like this except my mother is depressive bipolar. They are finally divorced but my mom got a minimal settlement and last I knew continued to not work and not take meds
I dont think you're being fair tho. Being a housewife is also a job that needs to be done. The husband buying stuff for her is how she gets paid. But unlike a normal job, she's expect to 'give without anything in return' because we're family. It's very likely that she has put her self worth into how much she's being loved by her family and especially husband. And gifts are an expression of love. To her, denying a gift is not just "putting something back on the shelf", it's an attack on her self worth. People with depression already struggle alot with self worth.
@@JLDREAMS but he said the husband also does the house work too.. based on OPs story the wife is completely in the wrong. Having to get his wife gifts makes her more of a child than a spouse. No gifts = lack of worth? How about providing everything she needs to survive to her?
I really empathize with her - I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. What I have learned is there is a fine line between accommodating and enabling. I still don't have the answer to that one! Thanks Dr. K as always ☺️
I used to be that depressed partner. And everything Dr. K says here is 100% true. It took me years to fight my depression: it took bad times and okay times, it took months of trying the wrong medications until I found the right one, it took tons of introspection--both on my own and with the help of a therapist--to develop the mental tools I needed for building resilience. It was work. But it was worth it, and without it I would never have found stability, never have found and married my husband, never have true hope for my future. It is work, but you can do it one day at a time. Be compassionate with yourself when you are struggling. When you get up again, ask yourself what is the next thing you can do to build yourself up stronger. If you need to start with getting a glass of water because you're thirsty, do that. If you're hungry, get food. If you have the headspace, look up therapists near you. Everything is exactly one step at a time. Start wherever you are.
Same! Self sabotaging cycles and gaslighting, very covert narcissist traits. But I stayed with him, worked hard, took care of the child alone and supported all finances. I ended up having a 5 yr MD on top of ADHD, gad and dysthymia. I realized I should of left earlier and not helped so much by taking on all the work. After being deep in a depression for two years with a baby I broke up, took another year before I even realized I was depressed and get proper help with doctors, meds, psychiatrist and psychologist, two years into my treatment I feel so much better and don’t regret leaving. The life had literally been sucked out of me. You can’t change people, you just can’t. Hit the breaks when it affects your life, your loved ones. They will go down alone or dragging you with them. I’ve always had bad mental health but being with someone who is depressed with massive narcissistic traits while you have a newborn is so brutal. Work on yourself before getting in a relationship or having kids. Wish you all the best and always put yourself first, always.
a few years ago i went to my GP to start building the safety net I knew I needed, because I knew it my "ok" state was only temporary. Literally the GP wouldn't give me referrals until depression was tearing me apart again. it was so exhausting to be asking for help and having health professionals reply "but you're fine now!" 😮💨😮💨😮💨🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️😔
Ugh isn't that the truth. Unfortunately most health systems only have capacity to help people who are at "the highest risk". I remember calling crisis centers but nobody would admit me because I hadn't attempted yet. Like damn, I really gotta hit rock bottom first? You can't just take my word for it?
Not that anyone cares, but as a person with psychogenic nonepilelic seizures, this was very hurtful. Typically, these seizures are not voluntary, can't be deliberately stopped. I would if I could. The subconscious might use the seizures, but I don't want them I'm not doing it on purpose.
Yes, I was looking for a comment like this because there's actually research on this proving it's not only not fake, but a real neurological condition. I have friends who've studied this for a living. It should be embarrassing for a doctor to say something so not only blatantly scientifically wrong, but hurtful and unprofessional. I wish this kind of thing was responded to with legal action, but I know how normalized it is. This isn't even the first time he's said something like this.
@@seatrisa2977 yes, I forget which video. I remember leaving a comment because it was so bad, but apparently nothing has changed. I wish he wouldn't do this to a community already so stigmatized 🙃.
I had a psychogenic seizure once. I wouldn't call it "faking" or "pretending to" have a seizure, at least it's not that in all cases? I'd been in a deep depression then had a sudden shocking realization that sent me into the worst panic attack of my life. I didn't understand what was happening when my muscles started locking up and shaking, and was terrified because I couldn't get it to stop on my own. I have other mental and physical illnesses, but no known history of anything that should cause seizures, but it matched the description of a grand mal seizure. It was such an extreme low point that it drove me back to therapy, so that's good I guess. (Not to discredit Dr. K's point, I do think a lot of us are guilty at least once of defensively stretching an illness in conflicts about laziness or other actual faults we should be responsible for.)
He's just wrong this time. The articles that say psychogenic seizures are faked or forced were made ten years ago. The more recent sources talk about how it is not voluntary. they are seizure like episodes caused by psychological factors. Needless to say, as some you still had this. This video was incredibly hurtful.
@@bigbignan and j think that’s the danger of how he’s done this video. Just makes it so easy for a partner to blame someone of faking, just because the partner is finding it hard to deal with the sick partner
Tbh I didn’t watch this and think he was claiming those who experience it are explicitly faking it. To me, it sounded as if he was using layman to explain a subconscious psychosomatic response for a specific form of seizures.
People who have psychogenic seizures believe they had a real seizure until told otherwise in my experience. I worked in a seizure monitoring area of the hospital. It is when they find out it is psychogenic that their condition improves
He's not saying to make it work at any cost, he's saying they need to communicate about what's going on. If they can work something out then maybe they can continue in a healthier relationship. If not, then it's time to move on
My husband is exactly like this. Both of us suffer from depression, but I’m treating it, I’m working, I’m studying, I’m doing household chores, I’m emotionally supporting him (not mutually) , even though I constantly feel extremely tired (honestly, sometimes I just want to die), and he’s just lying on the bed all day or playing some stupid games on his PC, while constantly feeling sorry for himself and whining about being depressed. I was asking him to get a job (or we won’t be able to live together) or at least to get a treatment for his depression, but he was ignoring me and saying that he’ll do it “later”. One month ago my frustration and despair have reached their peaks and we had an argument, I told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and stop using his depression as an excuse to do nothing. Now he says that I’m rude and selfish and don’t respect his “mental illness”. I don’t think I was rude for saying that, and I don’t want to say sorry to him, but what else can I do?
I wonder if at such a point calling for a time-out may be worthwhile. Take a week, a month off if you can, go somewhere alone, rest and recover, if need be see if you can live with a family member or friend and continue to work if you have no choice for a while. Do it for yourself, and to jolt the status quo into changing, to learn something important from it. If he complains, remind yourself and remind him: he's an adult with a condition, not a child. If he needs something he'll figure it out, and he can struggle with it while you're not there. Let the consequences of his choices, the consequences of what he puts effort into or not, be his own to carry for a while. Learned helplessness is a nasty thing, especially when you both fall for its tricks. If you treat yourself like a child, you're going to act like a child. If you treat someone else seeing them as a child and not a partner who is struggling but otherwise perfectly capable of being a team-mate of their own, fundamentally worthy, they may just stick in that role, too. It's convenient to treat yourself like a helpless baby if someone else safeguards you from consequences and discomfort constantly. Make it less convenient. Make dinner for yourself and let him make himself an egg on rice if he won't help out in the kitchen. Clean your own desk but not his - that's his. If he gets tired of the mess he can pick stuff up, too. If not, he can put in effort for therapy. And remember - this isn't a punishment. It's treating him like an adult worth the respect as well as baseline expectations. He's not made of sugar, no matter what you or him might think. Show faith in him that he'll be able to come through, it might take a while but dare to have positive expectations. Encourage him, remind him he can do it well enough to count. Anything at all is a win, truly. Everything is a win, a victory, rather than 'oh that's only 5% of what you had to do'. Expect more than nothing, let him deliver it. If he needs help, a soundboard, encouragement, see where you can help him overcome hurdles but don't do his homework for him. Let him feel what the consequences are if nobody, not even you, gives enough fucks about things he wants, and what he'll have to deal with when you've exhausted your energy and time whether you wanted it that way or not. If he mopes, remind him - you don't have energy or resources to carry more than your own stuff and absolute priorities either anymore, and given that he's an adult just like you and you're not his mother, that should be sufficient. You're not asking him to handle your shit out of consideration, he can at least try to do the same for you. If it bothers him he needs to review for himself what matters most to him: picking up the slack and making this work together, of being married to a person to be his mom and not his partner. My partner deals with intense depression, chronic pain, OCD and anxiety, brain fog. I've been bringing in the money. When I ask him to do things, he might forget. He might have five days of crap sleep, bad pain and low energy in a row. But I dare to hold him to some things and truly expect him to come through. It's like giving a kid the chance to prove to themselves that they can do things and gather confidence, agency, self-respect. Everyone needs that, even if they may be riddled with low confidence and negative expectations. My partner cares about me and he wants to be worthwhile for me. I'm inspired to keep growing and expanding what I can handle as well. Together we're about one entire capable adult, and we're making it work, for us, at our tempo. I'm not carrying more out of fear of 'looking bad', if need be we both scale back to essentials only. Give your partner the chance to make his decisions too, take his first steps towards proving to himself he's not a little child needing a mommy. He can do it. And if he decides that he'd rather live without you due to his own lack of courage to at least give it a shot, in exchange for sitting on his ass and waiting until life fixes his problems, it's only right that HE deal with the consequences of that choice that HE TRULY HAS. Life doesn't give anyone shit for free. Depression is not special, it doesn't make you special, it's not something life will compensate you for by going easy on you. Fair? No. And? Is sitting down sulking about it gonna somehow fix that? Are you going to get the things you want or need from moping on the sidelines? No. Important things require giving up the complacent false sense of safety of living in your comfort zone at least sometimes. Caring more about what you might gain or stand to lose than the short term 'ugh'. Even small changes take effort, and those efforts count! Growth doesn't have to be graceful, it doesn't have to feel heroic, it's not fun, it's like being a worm trapped under a rock squirming your way forward millimetre per millimetre because the alternative is being stuck under that goddamn fucking rock forever. Defy his depression-helplessness. You know he can do it, and you're willing to be there to support his efforts. But stop doing his homework for him, it just maintains his state of feeling reliant and weak. Give him the gift of making it more uncomfortable to live life like a pancake than to try for something better for himself. Let him hit more rock-bottom than he is aware he can hit if he doesn't pull himself up a bit. He's not going to die from living in a dump, not showering, eating like shit for a while or going hungry. It might make him finally realize that there's a limit to how sad he can let himself be before he gets fed up with himself and will take the hand stretched out to him to give him a boost into getting better.
You should leave because that is not a healthy relationship. You are enabling him to behave that way. If he truly can not take care of himself he should be in a psychiatric facility. Most likely he is capable of taking care of himself but why would he do that when you are doing everything for him? Most likely you are co-dependent on each other. But you need to get out before you're totally burned out and he needs to take care of himself, because now he's using you.
This video was interesting. notably when he talks about suicidality as blackmail. My last close friend accused me of this blackmail. I took it extremely personally. I never said their behavior was making me suicidal though. I told them that I was hurt and felt depressed from their extremely hot and cold, irregular, inconsistent communication. They promised to do better, I learned later they actively acted against those promises. That, and many other stories in the relationship show clearly how I was abused, for so long and so aggressively. I took responsibility for my mental health and actively fought to balance my mental illness with being a healthy person. I got medication and therapy for this person, and they kept poking my buttons and breaking my boundaries. The sad thing is, she could watch this video and think she was in the right. But I was the one who knew to communicate. I actively worked with her to establish boundaries, contribution, responsibility, etc. She avoided. But to her that made the relationship "transactional" and "bad". fuck it's so hard living with. I know I had mental illness and that made things hard. But I was aware and took action to improve. I took responsibility for the problems of the relationship, to a dangerous degree. Fuck... in another dimension, I did the right things to work with my mental illness to move forward, and was punished nearly mortally for it. :(
I hear you and I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think this video handles this sensitively enough or shows enough different possibilities of what could happen. When we’re mentally unwell, we are often easily manipulated, and so it’s very easy for someone to see this video, and then manipulate someone who is unwell Jen to believing that they’re not making any effort and it’s all their fault. This video doesn’t sit well with me
29:24 THIS. After years of only thinking I had depression, getting some counseling for a brief period but never trying to get medicated for it, I realized things weren't going to get better unless I tried something different. I had to process my trauma, take responsibility for myself, my life, and the well being of my loved ones, and get effective therapy and meds. At some point in your adult life, everyone has to make the conscious choice to unfuck themselves. (It turns out I have C-PTSD and had/have some very toxic inability to manage my emotions, but meds have helped and since I've learned to identify what I'm feeling, it's been a lot easier to deal with)
Psychiatric resident here just 10 min into the video. I think before getting into the personality, factitious disorder, or malingering part of the discussion there should be a deeper assessment of this person's primary mood disorder. The cycles between especially high productivity (ie "killing it") and depressive episodes, if in the absence of psychiatric monitoring and intervention, make me suspect he may be on the bipolar spectrum, possibly bipolar II, bipolar NOS, or cyclothymia. Additionally, any substance use contributing to mood disorder also should be ruled out. The presence of any of these would significantly change the approach to treatment.
Bipolar usually presents w/ depressive episodes first, so this person may not have had a history of mania when initially diagnosed w/ depression. It may also present w/ hypomania (which would explain his high productivity without impairment), or sub-clinical manic symptoms before progressing to full manic episodes.
@@olgaklochkova2801 Yes, I agree they still have to take responsibility in order to get better. It may just be harder when their illness causes them to either be overconfident that there is no ongoing problem (in hypomania/mania), or hopeless that things can get better (in depression). It may be a proportionally small amount of time (in euthymia) when they are able to have insight into the whole picture of their illness.
@@PTrey Bipolar is an incredibly difficult diagnosis to live with if you're either person in the relationship. I dated someone years ago with severe bipolar disorder. He had just come out of a depressive cycle wherein the only thing that worked to bring him out of it was ECT treatment which is usually the last option. He was stable for most of the time we were together but during his mania near the end of our relationship, he broke it off due to his situation. Experiencing someone in mania is pretty much indescribable. He got in with some people at his school that had him thinking he had demons inside him that needed to be excised (he had also spoken with Jesus at a bar). So in the instance of this example from the video, if it was a case of bipolar, it would have to have been a mild case. Mania does not equal functional and the fact that this guy seemed to do really well at work for the first little while makes me think it's not.
@@TimothyCHenderson I agree from the history given this person has not had mania (ie Bipolar I), as by definition there is functional impairment as you said. I think he possibly may have had hypomania (ie Bipolar II) or an even a less severe mood elevation (ie Bipolar NOS). I'm sorry that you and your (ex)partner had to suffer due to his bipolar. Bipolar depression requiring ECT and mania with psychotic features certainly would put him on the more severe end of the spectrum, though being somewhat stable in between episodes is a good sign (some people don't have good periods). I hope you're both doing better now.
As someone with depression - your condition is not your fault, but it's not hers for sure. Get it together. You are the one not trying to get better, expecting your partner to take care of you. If you were self-healing a broken arm that only gets worse - it would be your fault. If you were at least trying, maybe she wouldn't be angry. If you make me suicidal it's not YOUR fault - unless you are deliberately doing it. Sometimes the weirdest shit makes me suicidal - it's on me.
I think 'faking' it may not be the best term to explain this phenomenon as that can imply they are making a conscious choice to pretend or act-out the symptoms. It's important to note that Dr. K was not nessisarily trying to say that someone with PNES is person literally 'faking' or 'pretending' to have a seizure, but was rather saying it but their seizures can not be explained by neurological or underlying physical condition rather they are an unconscious manifestation of real distress, much like a placebo or nocebo effect . These seizures are not consciously produced and are not the patient’s fault. The same could be said of malingering or 'faking' depression. The person may lack the insight or be unaware of the cause of the symptoms. I think in trying to explain the condition in simple terms that would make sense to a large variety of people Dr. K may have unintentionally implied otherwise.
I agree. A friend of mine suffered substantial injuries as a result of psychogenic seizures not too long ago--real, violent seizures they couldn't control--so seeing this video actually infuriated me. They were fishing for examples for their malingering narrative, thought they found one, and didn't bother checking.
Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures are definitely not a disorder of malingering. They are involuntary responses to stress which is so overwhelming that it can have effects upon the adjacent motor circuits. This was how it was explained to me when I was diagnosed at NIH, and my seizures began during a period of such severe stress that I woke up with my legs kicking without my consent.
This relationship is clearly abusive when you accord the same value to the wife's wellbeing as you to the husband's. No discussion of her happiness, her wellbeing, her work hours, her own problems. The premise just assumes all is to be given to the problem partner and nothing expected, and all is expected of the caretaker partner and nothing is given. Husband doesn't care enough about himself or his wife to put in 100% to fix this problem, so wife is wasting her time trying to compensate for him. It's tragic. 8 years of this shit means nothing will change for her until she leaves him.
See this is what also saw. I am making assumptions of course, but it doesn't seem like even during the "good" times these things are being discussed. Like this seems like an already shitty relationship made worse by mental illness.
As someone with a brother that suffers with mental illness. He goes through cycles, in which he gets a job, and he gets extremely optimistic, and the job is the best thing ever... Three months later, it is the worst thing ever, and by the fifth month he quits. Something I have noticed, is that he is very self aware of his cycle, and I have been able to talk about it seriously. After he makes the decision, he realizes he made a terrible choice. But when he gets on that pessimistic moment, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to stop him. And it is sad to see how he ruins his life. What is worse, is that the worse his life feels, the more his pessimism gets. But it is all self imposed. I often am quite surprised at how good of jobs he often gets. Jobs with very flexible schedules, where he gets lots of benefits, and is often allowed to take times off to deal with things.... And yet, he suddenly becomes extremely pessimistic and quits. He has gotten really good with dealing with his mental illness and taking responsibility. He has grown A LOT. And he has gone to therapy and with psychiatrists.... He used to be very abusive in how he used his mental illness, but now he is a very decent person. But that one thing, it seems to never improve. And I want him to succeed, but he falls on the same pattern over and over. He is very self aware of it, and yet it happens again. It is sad to see him ruin his life, but I am sort of losing hope. The thing is, when he gets on that mentality, we tell him, to at least get another job before quitting. But, when he gets something in his mind, he does it without thinking much. And then suffer the consequences after the fact, and after the fact he realizes how terrible of a decision it was. I already lent him a lot of money, which I do not care if he pays me back, I want him to be good. But I think I have to stop lending him money, I can-t keep supporting him and he has to take responsibility for himself. He tortures himself a lot, and all of this gives him A LOT of anxiety. The worse his financial condition gets, the worse he gets... But it could have all been avoided if it wasn't for his patterns of behavior. He is quite intelligent, and when he is out of those states, he is very reasonable. He is very aware of his condition, yet it always repeats itself, no matter how much I talk about it with him and he says this time will be different, it happens again. It is hard to know, how I would act if I suffered the same mental illnesses. I have heard him say how easy we have it. But I am not sure about that, I got what I have got with plenty of very hard work. I do a lot of overtime and have worked double jobs sometimes. I have been very very active in shaping my own destiny. Yet, he sees it all as if it was just dumb luck, while he quits at every opportunity. But again, I am not sure how I would be, if I suffered my own mental health issues. Hard to know where his mental illness is his fault and where it is his own responsibility. And talking to him, when he is in a bad state, is like walking on eggshells. One can try and make him see reason, but he will turn it around to make you the villain. And then no matter how much you talk about it and show concern, he does it anyway. Only to realize what he did a week later and apologize, but it is too late now. It is very painful to see him like that. Knowing precisely what is the problem, but not being able to do anything. At the end of the day, it is all up to him. But he is my brother, and I want him to be well.
Thanks for this comment. My mother, father and sister all have this same behavior and I've felt very harsh on them. Seeing somebody else observe the same things makes me understand that indeed this is a mental condition and it does have a bad impact on others no matter how much we love them or how understanding we want to be.
I don't know if you're looking for my input, but I'll give it anyway, feel free to ignore it if it's unwanted! What I've come to realise is that the brain makes pathways. Everytime we envounter a situation we've been in before the brain goes "Ah, I've seen this!" And utilizes the same paths it has always taken. It's very, very hard to break these cycles and one thing I've learned is that it's easiest to do it in very small steps. Try to hold out just ONE day longer than last time. Try to have just ONE talk with your superiors. Just send ONE application, even if you don't intend on following it through. Your brother won't suddenly change and be able to keep a job. But slowly, slowly, he might be able to change his patterns. That requires a LOT of energy, however. And investing energy requires the WILL to invest that energy. If you keep helping him out, why should he want to invest energy? You always do it for him. He has no real motivation. So, in a way, you are helping him ruin his life by preventing him from finding motivation to change it. How can you save him if he doesn't want to save himself, cause you always do it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. i just want to show explain how we can actually hurt people in the long run by helping them.
@@firefly620 Oh yeah, that is why I stopped. I wasn't maintaining him per say, but I gave to him whenever he needed it for good reasons. But then I realized, he would ask me money on the pretense of needing it for something very important, like paying off debts. And then he would use it to buy something else entirely. He keeps compulsively buying things that he doesn't even need. Meanwhile he is debt and has no money. My parents are still maintaining him, tho. They do not give money to him, but they do give him a roof, food, etc. It sucks, because he is aware of that, he is usually a good person, and is intelligent enough to know what to do. But he falls on the same patterns. But he has never been a person of half measures. So sadly your advice, I have given it to him multiple times and he disregards it. One example I can give to illustrate why. The doctors had told him, he had very serious health issues and he needed to control his diet and work out. And he wasn't doing it, so I scolded him and told him he should start working out, it is his health after all. But he tells me, "yeah, but I am just getting enough money to buy a full gym membership, I am also planning on hiring a personal health trainer, I know one that works with professional athletes but she is not cheap". So I told him, "bro, you do not have to start like that, start small, go run in the park, use some dumbells that there are already at my parents home, start small and you work your way up." It has been two years since, and he has not started working out once. And even today, i keep telling him, to just take twenty minutes of his day to do something small. But he either takes it to the extreme, or does nothing. He is the same in every job he starts, he starts extremely excited, and he overexerts himself, he keeps telling me how much more work he does than his colleagues. He tells me how his boss congratulates him due to how much effort he is putting. But of course it is not sustainable, and he ends up getting burned out, and quits. One of the conditions he has is BPD, in case you were wondering. He has been diagnosed, and he has two other things. But one of their traits, is this cycle of "This is the best thing ever" to "this is the worst thing ever". I will still try and help him, but not monetarily. Again, he is a nice person to hang out with. But it is hard to see someone you care being like that. But I have made peace with the fact, that i can't really do much than just talk to him and try and make him see things more clearly. but at the end, it is all up to him.
Before I was diagnosed (in my mid 30ies), I always thought I was just lazy, bc I didn't remember what being 'normal' felt like anymore (before I hit puberty). Nowadays I have to think really hard about how I actually feel, to make that distinction. The distinction is I really can't bring myself to vs. I could , but I just don't want to right now. It's still hard to see the difference. It's very blurry at times. That said: You are not your partner's therapist. If you are at your limit, nobody should blame you for wanting to save your sanity. Just my opinion.
That part with being responsible to take care of your mental health rlly resonated with me. Whenever I am in a depressive episode I know that I need help. But once it's over I tell myself that I dont actually need help and that things are not bad enough for a therapist, bc afterall I feel alright at the moment.
I relate to this sooooo much. My ex couldn't keep a job and I dropped out of school to work full-time to pay the bills and he still blackmailed me with suicide. 7 years later and I'm still in school, still building my credit up, but I'm better off even if I had to pause my life to restart it.
I’ll add this as well: we are not taught about mental illness, what is normal what isn’t. We are not taught how to work with and analysis our situation. Some have one bad experience with therapy don’t understand they had a therapist that isn’t a good fit. It’s so dicey.
I´ve been in deep depression where I couldn´t get out of bed, but when I started to run out of money I went out there and got a job so I could pay my rent (I used my savings before). There is a certain aspect of self-indulgence in depression and I am the first one to admit it, but you really need a big stimulus like seeing yourself on the street before you rouse yourself because really you don´t care about anything most of the time. You need to become a "functioning" depressive, like the rest of us.
What I thought about this women's struggle is that she is very depressed, but she has taken on the role of supporting her spouse during his cycles of depression. This is a caretaker sublimating their mental health to the other. I also see that she too is hoping the next time will be better and not using the up swing to insist on accountability with medication, therapy and a plan for recurring episodes. If he is convinced she will never leave, why ever take responsibility. Honestly, after all of the discussions that Dr. K has laid out, leaving has to be an option.
the title prevented me from clicking on this like 5 times. suddenly it struck me...as someone with depression, you best makes sure to know how to understand and get along with someone who has depression... thank yall for doing this
I’m not clinically diagnosed with depression, but I do have PTSD that mimics it in a lot of ways, as well as DID that makes memory nonexistent (and oh my geez is it disorienting). My partner and I have worked out contingency plans, ways to make sure “I” know what’s going on that day or what needs to be done. I keep meal replacement shakes for when eating is too much. I keep baby wipes/travel cleaning items when showering and self-care is hard. I plan for bad times in good times, looking out for future me/us. My work schedule is extremely modular, so I can shift things around if needed. The coping mechanisms and safety nets go on. This has taken years of therapy, medications, communication with my partner, and trial and error. In the end, Dr. K is right - mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. OP can’t keep helping their partner when their partner will just engage in these damaging behavior again and not take any responsibility.
As a person with lifelong, seemingly untreatable depression; my strategy amounts to “get it while it’s hot”. I get as much done as quickly as I can while I can, specifically because I know that when my depression worsens (it never goes away), everything will get fucked up. The only thing that can help me in those times is direct intervention by other people, and I don’t have anyone who does that for me. Some of my friends have asked me if I’m manic, and I have to explain no, I simply have no other choice but to act right now with all the gusto I can muster. Staying alive is a full time job, and preparing for the inevitable dark times is mandatory. It’s odd for me to think about the other side of this, because no one has ever done the heavy lifting for me. I do have that unsubstantiated hope you mention, but it’s because my own thoughts tell me that imminent death is the only solution. I wish someone, anyone, asked me “what they should do when I get depressed again”. They just want me to say I’m ok so they can go back to their lives. Discussion of any kind of strategy is off the table, because it would involve them being there for me in my darker moments. Edit: for example, my brother once visited me to help me clean my house. It helped me so much. He randomly visited me a year later without warning, and saw my house was messy again. He said he would never help me again if it doesn’t work. He gave me exactly one chance, and revoked all help when I failed his sudden test.
This story hit me hard. I've been married for more than a decade to an incredibly kind soul with lots of struggles. (Through doing my own work, I recently realized childhood issues caused me to be attracted to needy people.) He is visually impaired, getting worse every year. He has crippling anxiety and depression, as well as ADHD and a history of trauma. I know he has issues, but others in similar situations have been able to live lives, and he's not living his. He has no friends and rarely leaves the house. Her's been employed for a total of 4 days in his life. By contrast, I worked myself into extreme burnout at work. Even though I also struggle with bipolar and cpstd, I've learned to manage it very well. It was a lot of work! As for his mental health and even living life, "learned helplessness" doesn't begin to describe it. In the last 16 months since my burnout forced me to stop working, I've been working really hard on my mental health while at the same time proving for us both by eating up all my savings, borrowing from family and selling my car. I've threatened to leave him if he doesn't work on himself and get some sort of income, even if it's selling candles on esty and making $50 a week, that would be something. Almost a year ago I moved out because it was impossible for me to untangle our needs, after which he did learn how to feed himself more regularly and other basic life skills. He sometimes "looks for jobs" but last week he told me "next week, I'll actually apply for a job not just look." smh Every month or two, he starts slipping back into old ways. I bring his attention to it, state my boundary that that is not a relationship I can live with anymore, then he gets his shit together for a few months. Repeat. Every time, he's shocked that I don't think it's enough of a change, even though I made my needs very clear. The "it will get better in the future, somehow" maladaptive optimism is strong in him. It feels like I give 110% and he gives 10-30%, maybe 40% if he thinks I"m going to leave him. I've been trying so hard to get him to therapy and he finally went a year ago. It's gotten a little better but not by much. Since I'm out of money, I put his sessions on my credit card so he doesn't have an excuse to not go. He still cancels frequently. Recently he told me he's taking his sessions down to every two weeks instead of once a week because he "has nothing to talk about". At the same time he's depressed constantly and he uses me to regulate his emotions, which is so draining. I wanted to punch a wall when he cancelled again but instead I encouraged him to keep the next appointment and make that the topic of discussion. He's doing the work, but dragging his feet as much as he can get away with. I feel more like a parent to him than anything else. I've lost the spark, and I don't know if I can get it back. I know as long as I see him as a helpless child as well as the source of my resentment at having to carry us both, I can never be attracted to him. I said that last week. We'll see how much that changes the situation and for how long. I'm really tired of this rollercoaster!
I have been both the depressive mess and the one having trouble dealing with someone goin’ through it. And honest while it’s been a rollercoaster of reflection on my wrongdoings and dealing with the consequences and a lot of apologizing, as well as research on helping others and how it may affect me, I’m glad I went through the struggle and have gained more empathy towards others and myself. That balance of self and others and having a solution based mindset rather than just ranting or hating others is definitely the right way to go.
I'm diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, and major depressive disorder. I recently got into a relationship with someone I've known for 15 years within a few months the relationship fell apart. She is also diagnosed with BPD and histrionic disorder. She's a recovering addict that has been clean and sober for 2 years flourishing like she never has before in her life. I still struggle in a lot of ways though I've made a lot of progress in the last 3 years. I love this video because it makes me recognize the trigger defence that I have when my partner told me I need to fix this all right now. I immediately felt attacked and that there was a plan to abandon for months, even though the rational side of me says that's not true. I have tried to seek therapy again twice in the last few years but since the pandemic in Texas maybe specifically were I live. They have no therapist available only medication. I am proud of myself because like you say when I'm up out of the whole I realized I needed to be proactive especially since in this last year I had to watch my father die of terminal cancer and even though I know I have better tools from short lived recent therapy in the past few years. And more in my tool belt. Before he passes I needed to get back into therapy but the help here for people is extremely limited. I live pay check to pay check. So I can afford an independent therapist. So I have to at least for the time being live on hope. Be proactive and watch your videos and others, this is a very helpful video that makes me have more understanding of my responsibilities with my illness and not to blaim other people either because even if it seems like a cold heartless attack towards me. It's also that they don't yet have the tools either and how to approach things and communicate and still struggling themselves.
This is what I said that seemed to help: "I need you to seek professional help - I need help taking care of you, and I want to take care of you but can't do it alone, please help me take care of you by getting somebody else who is a professional in my corner."
Just stumbled upon this video in a very stressful time and it just made me cry. My family has a history of mental illnesses and I’m currently needing much help to sort certain relationships back in a healthy way and this definitely helped. Thank you so much for making this video! ❤️
The biggest problem I see is that if non-conscientious people are in this situation "make a plan" is the last thing they want to hear. A plan is something utterly chaotic in the mind of a person who's personality isn't the planning type.
I have depression and pretty severe ADHD and I've held a steady job for years somehow. When I get home, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, though. I have no hobbies and I live in an absolute mess with my husband who also has depression. I don't even have a driver's license. It's like I'm a different person at work and can actually clean and complete tasks there, but the rest of the time I feel like I'm just existing and have no mental energy.
Really wish I found you a year ago Dr. K. Maybe I would of been able to fix my past relationship and not end up self isolating. Got into therapy before the relationship ended, but it was too little too late. Ever since then, I've been able to realize so much about my mental issues through continued therapy, self reflection, and following your videos. Its hard to not beat myself up everyday over what I could of done. But I'm slowly learning how to move on from my past thanks to your work. Thank you.
This reminds me of my roommate. He doesn't have a diagnosis, but we're all pretty convinced he is depressed and has anxiety. He can't motivate himself to organise to see a therapist and get a diagnosis. He has acknowledged that he would benefit from therapy. He goes through similar cycles, though not to the extent of the guy in the video. He has lost a job before to being constantly late and calling in sick too often and he's on thin ice at his current job. The thing he does do All The Time though is promise he'll do something really simple, like take out the garbage, and he will say over and over again that he will do it by a certain time. He gives timeframes that we all know are bullsh** and I can't tell whether he genuinely thinks he will get the job done in that amount of time. Then he just leaves the job undone for days. He will walk past the garbage over and over and won't stop to think "oh I have time now, I'll just take it out". Then when one of us inevitably does it, he goes "oh I was just about to!". We also remind him a few times, which does not often seem to help him. He constantly smokes mj for his anxiety too but I think it also really impacts his ability to perform simple tasks and give a sh** about anything. The most frustrating part is that it feels like he doesn't care about his impact on the people around him when he doesn't participate in some things or does some things that affect us. It hurts because we all try to do nice things for each other and here he is, reaping benefits of our goodwill, while not offering any in return. Idk man it really starts to grate on you.
Hello HealthyGamerGG. I would recommend that you look at some of the latest research regarding Functional Neurological Disorder and Non-epileptic seizures. As a few others have said, people with this condition are not “faking” seizures. Some folks with conversion disorders break out into hives instead of having seizure-like attacks: they are clearly not faking. How about depression sufferers? Are they faking being sad? Honestly I couldn’t watch the rest of your video after the 9 minute mark as it put the accuracy of the rest of your video into question. Best wishes.
The malingering thing reminds me of high school, i somehow learnt to get stomachache or headache on demand just to skip class. I can still do it nowadays, whenever I want I can just tell my head or stomach to hurt and it does, it is a very light pain and I can also dispel it on command.
i feel so freaking bad for her. also to be told by a partner that "your depression isn't as bad as mine" is manipulative. i had an emotionally abusive ex i used to live with who would always compare our anxiety, depression, and struggles and ofc theirs was always worse than mine. and i started to feel really weird like maybe they are right and i'm just a useless piece of crap who doesn't do anything and can't even handle the 'small' amount of anxiety i have. they said other stuff and acted certain ways which added to these thoughts and feelings and it was hard. it was also kinda like they were projecting onto me but i didn't realize it. i was going to therapy and getting help and trying to grow. but they refused to go to therapy no matter how many times i suggested it. they also had binge eating which they refused to get help for, i had to actually hide some of my food because they would eat all my food sometimes :| and i was on food stamps so it's not like i could just keep buying endless more food. that was my worst relationship ever, ugh. and the thing is even when i was out of it, they were still in my life for YEARS. until last year or the year before i can't remember but i finally told them i just can't have them in my life because they were not actively working on their depression like i was and i was feeling better in general but they would just be so negative and anytime i talked about positive things in my life they basically got upset and it was like yea i'm not doing this anymore!! i want to prioritize my mental health! and i told them i hoped they could get help one day and feel more happy. i doubt they ever got help tho
Actions over outcomes. Effort over actions. Sometimes the actions we are trying to do, we do in a way we didn't intend. Effort is always possible. All of these concepts are important .
This was a very insightful video. I was in a polyamorous relationship where all three of us struggled with depression. One of us had been in an abusive relationship for the previous four years where he was in a situation similar to this. The guy never worked, wouldn't clean, had many diagnoses that he would use as excuses to not be a good partner to his fiance or to gaslight him, and refused treatment. A few years later, us depressed lovers all moved in together and looking back, it was rough from the start. We were all young, each struggling with our own demons and trauma, and feeding off of each other. There were many attempts to organize our lives to keep the apartment clean, doll out responsibilities, etc, but because all of us have poor mental health, it led to a lot of tension and inevitably, the end of our relationship. I was seeking treatment, advised them both to do the same, and was told "that isn't your decision to make" when, as a friend, I just wanted them to Get Help. One is/was (it's been two years so I don't know) an alcoholic and the other enabled that behavior, but somehow, me growing and getting treatment led me to move out. They each broke up with me to be with each other and there was a lot of animosity from them that I still don't understand. Seeing your clinical view of this AITA was reminiscent of how my therapist and I talked about things. I was both players here, as were my exes, where there was always the question of "who is responsible" and often, as the other two grew closer, I felt I became a scapegoat which led me to moving out and starting my young life living alone. It has been a wonderful experience having my own place, I even bought a house! Apparently those two are married now, and I am happily single and mentally skyrocketed from where I was then. Leaving a situation where you feel like you're constantly walking on emotional eggshells is empowering, and I encourage anyone who is in this tough spot where their boundaries are being pushed, consider leaving or taking a break, because, like Dr. K said, all we can control are our own actions. Great video, thanks. (And sorry about the wall of text, this just profoundly resonated with me)
Hey I know it's been a while since you posted this but I'd highly encourage you to learn about "Karpman's Drama triangle" if you already haven't. Really helped me understand a toxic trouble I was in as well.
I find that being open, honest, and trying to constructively figure things out actually angers people more. I've been told to, "Stop trying to break everything down" and similar comments when I try to piece together situations with the other person and figure out where the bad vibes came from. How do I deal with these people? Should I? Part of me thinks that they're unwilling to accept responsibility for part of the situation, so if I lay things out and it aims that way, they get angry instead of accept.
My advice would be to show them videos like this one. Dr. K said in a recent video that changes are made through emotions, not by education. So to educate someone, you also have to emotionally access them. And for some strange reason people tend to block against education more, the closer the explaining person is. Or in a way simpler example: my GF is a physiotherapist but when her parents have back pain or other issues, they never ask her and if they complain in front of her and she starts trying to explain what to do about it, they never listen. But when they hear from a friend about an article about back pain, they tell my GF about it that she should read it too, because it's working wonders! You can't imagine the strength of the face-palms. For some reason her parents block out information coming from their daughter. Does it make my GF feel any better? Not really. But it explains this miraculous stupidity. To be honest I did this myself too.. Not taking on good advices from close friends but a random TikTok suddenly makes me take on the identical advice... So in short: if someone just won't listen, there might be an emotional blocking going on. If you still want to help out, get them to hear it from another source that might get through to their emotions!
I was on both sides of this through my life, and none are good. It is also thought to know you need to change, having someone asking you to change, wanting to change but not knowing what or how to. In my case, a decade of trauma related to therapy and medical abuse + sa trauma made it impossible to stay in a relationship. I still get myself asking if things could be different, but I am really glad the relationship ended cause it was my last straw. Sometimes, you need to fall deep and dig a little more, so the fear of changing becomes less than the fear of not changing.
I think it's not about faking the depression as much as letting it stay on you, not try to get help, because than you will loose your excuse, that from your depressed state you feel like you need. Plus, even when you're not feeling extremely depressed, you can still use that as a card, because you are still drained from being in such a depressed state earlier. You can also completely fake it too. But what makes you lazy is the fact you always have a card to use. When you have depression you naturally can gravitate towards not wanting to get up. And the reassurance you can do that, that comes from social understanding and empathy, can make you lazy. Truth is we need to understand, and accomadate, but sometimes. Not constantly. We need to allow them breaks, but between these breaks we need to push them to get better without that being abusive. Or else they will have a much harder time getting better. It's just balance, pressure and breaks in turns.
I really enjoy this channel, but this one felt like a punch in the gut. I have had non epileptic seizures in the past. I had them for months, not understanding the gaps in memory and body aches I was experiencing, until someone witnessed me having one. However, my EEG was normal so PNES/FND was the formal diagnosis. I’m in a support group now, along with people that work as doctors, nurses, engineers, etc. They are not all faking their seizures for attention and to be categorized as such with a Trump-and-the-disabled-reporter-esque demonstration really sucks.
as someone with a diagnosed seizure disorder, please know that I believe you, that you’re not alone, and you are understood. it is very hard to deal with, if you know what a seizure looks like, it is incredibly hard to fake that type of movement, and it’s a scary experience that one who have had them before would not lie about for some trivial pass or easy-out. I don’t believe that any non-epileptic individual has any right to claim someone is ‘faking’ their seizures. i can imagine it’s even more difficult to get validation and understanding from others for non-epileptic seizures. you’re more than correct, they are not all faking their seizures.
Thank you for sharing and raising awareness! Sounds horrible to go through! Though to be fair, he does not say, that generally people with non-epileptic seizures fake it, but that there might be some within that group that have their subconciousness doing it to them in stressfull situations. However, I can understand that even an implication that this could be "an easy way out" for some is irritating for a person suffering through it. I wish you a good recovery!
@@seatrisa2977 he specified that most don't fake it many times in the video, stating that it is very rare and only three in 100,000 people would ever experience it. He also said that sometimes people who do experience seizures will also occasionally experience seizures due to subconscious non-epileptic influences. Everything he said is evidence based.
As an epileptic, the intro was offensive. I have NEVER used my medical disorder as “trump card”. There have been times where I had to visit the ER during finals week. I woke up with blood on my tongue before work. I’m not sitting there cheeky, full of relief, maliciously writing an email to professor saying “I can’t take my final. I had a seizure.” I’m ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED after a trip to the ER writing an email that says “sorry I missed the final. I had to visit the ER. When can I retake the test? AND do you need the ER note for proof?” Second, non-epileptic seizures are NOT fake seizures. It just means that the seizures do not stem from (essentially) the same malfunctioning part of the brain over and over! There’s a cause other than epilepsy but is still very much real. I have not and do not use my medical condition as a “get out of jail free card”.
I was in an abusive relationship with a 21 y/o dude when I was 19. He used mental health as an excuse to treat me like shit. He would threaten to off himself when I was struggling with my own life. I had not finished high school yet and I felt insane amounts of guilt and I felt stupid. I was not stupid. I am not stupid. By the end, I was a broken young lady, and I had given up all my asperations all my dreams. I had nothing to work toward anymore. I did not walk away from that relationship, I ran. 6 years later, I am happy, I have a college degree, I have my asperations, and I am in a healthy relationship. Could I have worked through that other relationship. Nope. He chose me, because he wanted to fuck around. He did not want to be honest. He wanted a hot geeky girlfriend to spoil him He bad mouthed everything that made me who I am. You have to pay attention to those red flags and listen when your gut tells you to walk away. Or else you may end up running.
Hi. I did that with jobs since I started working. Would be in and out of them constantly. I'd call out once and then it would all spiral. I went to psychiatrists and therapists. Most therapists were pretty good but I just couldn't, no matter what I did, do much of anything. I went to a total of 5 psychiatrists, all five would end up diagnosing me with bi-polar and/or depression and would treat me for them. Nothing ever changed though. Eventually I went to a psychiatrist with focus on both bi-polar and ADHD. I got diagnosed with ADHD, my bi-polar diagnosis deemed by her as a misdiagnosis and have been treated for the ADHD since with medication and therapy. I now am holding the job I have. Loving life. Steadily bettering myself. I'm actually able to do the things I want to do to improve my situation. I able to actually partake in this society. I was ostracized and bullied by friends, family, co-workers, and bosses alike. Left out on my own aside from a very few good souls who stuck by me somehow. Without my diagnosis, I would likely be where your husband is. I'm sorry you're going through it truly I am. It wasn't right for him place his frustrations with his situation onto you... But maybe you and him would both benefit from visiting psychiatrists and getting multiple medical and professional opinions. I gave up looking for help and accepted that I was just someone not met for this world. Some one who would just be depressed and unfunctional in society. Turns out, this world wasn't built for people like me in mind.
Thanks for writing all this! I'm in Germany and studying engineering for way too long (8 years and still only at 50%, it's pretty cheap in this country and my parents have enough money to pay my rent and an average lifestyle for me) and it's sucking away my will to live but I know it's 100% what I want to do in life. The studying is just near impossible, somehow. My life is a constant question whether to do an easier job that would never make me happy or keep trying. My parents allow myself to keep trying. Is this right or would giving me less money activate myself more? We all don't know... However: I got diagnosed with ptsd + depression 4 years ago, had therapy, did deep talks with my parents to clean up all that ballast inside of me but I still couldn't get my studies done. The diagnosis described my symptoms but I couldn't get on with the advice for these diagnosis. I was totally confused why I couldn't work on myself and I felt more and more lost with a slight tendency towards suicidal thoughts. Like a structured week would be good for depression, making a structured plan for my studies, talking to "my inner child" to help getting more disciplined and reduce anxiety. I just couldn't do any of that. Something didn't feel.. Right.. Then I came across "How to ADHD". I just had it randomly in my TH-cam feed for weeks and when I finally clicked on it, my world fell apart. Like everything I can remember in all my life that I found mentally difficult suddenly got a different perspective and lighting. The "ego" Dr. K often talks about got nuked into pieces. 6 months later, I'm still putting the pieces back together. I got an official diagnosis and I'm taking 10-20mg Ritaline in the morning if I have to get things done. I first went up to 50mg but found that I function the best when it just gives me that little kick in the butt in the morning. I feel sooooo much better. All the shame is gone and I'm really looking forward to the next semester with lectures. I now know that when I'd normally stay at home when being tired/overwhelmed/stressed/anxious, all I need to get me to do is getting the right dose into my mouth and flush it down. After 30 minutes, I'll be happily taking the bus to university! Is my life still a mess? Yep... building a structure while you're still putting your world together at 30 years old after 10 years of really struggling is difficult. But I'm slowly taking down the pile up of never-done-things and that's great. I'm finally full of hope and I actually get something done every day. No shame anymore, just learning, understanding and working WITH myself and AROUND my ADHD-issues instead of AGAINST myself! :)
@@Habixus I'm so sorry you've experienced the pain and confusion that comes with ADHD not being recognized. That terrible feeling of knowing you want to and can do something but being stopped by some imaginary barrier over and over again is so damn tiring. I'm proud you've pushed on so long! It was absolutely inspiring reading this and I hope others come across your story here. My comment was nothing more than the kindling, you built it into a fire with your words. Thank you for commenting and boy do I hope you get to where your heart desires. I believe in you my friend. Yes little do I know you, but I know humans enough, particularly humans like you and I, to know that if we can get that diagnosis and the proper treatment, we'll stop at nothing to get to where we've seen ourselves for the longest of times. Best wishes my friend. Carry on strong
@@naturally_rob thanks man! I could write pages full of words right now but I'll keep it short. I should really sleep right now (3am..) but instead I'm sitting here, crying. Your kind words really struck me. Thank you so much for your posts! What you say about the imaginary barrier hits so hard. It's what I always told others to describe my issues. Nobody ever understood... I'm finally punching holes into the barrier, seeing gaps in it. It's becoming a visible, touchable wall now that I can learn to work with. All the crap going on lately with covid, climate change, Ukraine etc. really triggered my anxieties but my motivation is very high to at some point in the future make the world a better place by technology I'll help to develop and also by being a good person with my story/struggle, helping others getting better :) I consider myself very lucky. Others have it way worse! It's difficult to see that when you're getting suicidal thoughts but since a few months I can finally be thankful for the "hand of cards" I got for my life. I'm also sorry for what you've had to go through! It feels weird.. We absolutely don't know each other but it feels like we really understand each other in some way just by writing 2 TH-cam comments each
@@Habixus It is funny how we absolutely don't know each other, but this connection through understanding I feel with you just from some TH-cam comments is such a real and good thing; I believe so at least. Really man I would love to read more! I really think your story would be helpful for others to read! But you should definitely get some sleep so you can be at your best for the next day. Also, TH-cam comments aren't exactly the best format for you to share your story. If you'd be down and you have free time over the upcoming days, write it up in something like a Google Doc or something similar and share it! I'd love to give it a read! Have a good night and a good sleep! I look forward to possibly talking with you more!
@@naturally_rob I'm trying to stay "incognito" on the public Internet but I really had to write these comments! :) Maybe I'll write a longer post about my story in 1-2 years when I hopefully got forward with my studies and can reflect on this time in my life so that it may help others out there! I'm truly thankful for your comments!
haven’t finished the video yet, but my initial reaction to the post is this: in a relationship, you not only have a responsibility to your partner but to yourself as well. you kinda have to clean up your act and make an effort to better yourself for your own and your partner’s sake, and a good partner should be there to help and support you while you do that and vice versa. when you don’t make an effort to be better for yourself and your partner, the problems fall on you. on the other hand, if these issues have been apparent for years and years, i have doubts about the communication between the two. i know the conversation must be tough, but at some point you have to say “hey babe. i see you’re struggling with your career, and that must be really tough on you. is there something i can do to help support you better or some assistance we can seek to help you feel better and have more professional success?” so obviously one member of the relationship might be more or less responsible for the financial struggles of the relationship, but there also seems to be communication issues on both fronts, one not being open and forthcoming about their resistance to change and the other not vocalizing their needs and encouraging the other to seek help.
I had this same situation except with my fiance, worked my ass off at my job, supporting her in her own endeavors/development and giving emotional support every day just to keep it all together for 8 years. It ended up draining me of all will to live and left me with my own depressive disorder for 5 years, and I’m only now recovering pretty well from it.
I would appreciate some clarification on the co-morbidity rate in the opposite direction. "20-40 percent of people with psychogenic seizure also suffer from real epilepsy" yes, but what is the ratio of people with real epilepsy who suffer from psychogenic seizures? The rate has to be rather small with these numbers, right? I don't think you're trying to mislead us intentionally at all - but this may be one of those times where statistics phrased a certain way may give misleading assumptions to a generalized audience which may not be so familiar with interpreting statistical analysis. This is a fantastic video though, I think it hits on some really key points. Thank you Dr. K for highlighting this issue, and for offering some better ways to understand and approach it.
I keep clicking on the videos that have you directly calling out my subconsciousness. It's trippy as you unfold all the layers. I'm grateful for the insight.
this is helping me so much, ive been struggling for so long and acceptance of responsibility i s the biggest step for me. or well, ive always accepted it but never thought myself capable of bevoming a person who can live up to anyones standards, much less my own. so ill have to work on finding strategies to become more confident in myself and one of the steps i have been taking (this only works of youre someone who is thought to be weak, if youre someonme who cannot accept help you should do it the other way around!) is not accepting help and not asking for help and putting myself in situations where i have to be the most competent person in the room (or play that person) and risk being blamed and risk failure
So I have only started, but try to put in my thoughts before being influenced by Dr k. I don't think she is an asshole but she made a big mistake by not telling him how hard this is for her like 7 years ago. I had to learn this as well, since its hard for me to lean on others when they have a bad time. But even if your partner has chronic problems, you still need to share your own troubles, since always handling everything alone will wear you down without actually helping anyone. Even if it came out badly its good that she did tell him finally.
I struggle from depression. It’s miserable. Luckily my anxiety over getting my job done overcomes my depression and the anxiety fuels my depression after work. It is rough. Mental health is so spotty in the USA. Getting a good doctor that can help you manage your meds is tough. I’ve struggled for 10 years until I found a good mental health professional that I was a good match for AND then many years after that to find someone to manage the medicine part of my life. It’s a horrible existence that is exasperated by a terrible medical system. So disappointing and depressing. I’m just glad I’m functional.
This is such a sad story. I hope the best for these two. Life is all about positive momentum loops followed inevitably by negative momentum loops. You win when you figure out how to make the positive ones longer and more intense the negative ones shorter and less severe :)
I don't think that's quite right. I think winning is being able to roll with the punches. Making the happy parts last longer is usually impossible and striving for it easily becomes fighting for it, and that causes misery. I like Big Think's video called Become Anti fragile. It's being ok with the highs ending, accepting the lows and understanding they will pass. But since humans are emotional, it's hard and maybe never absolutely mastered. Better said, it's feeling good throughout, a stable, steady good (you can't feel happy all the time, if you do, it's a sign of a different condition). And that's what not being depressed feels like. Not being depressed isn't where everyone is right now, and I'm high functioning so me neither to some extent, but I'm 'happy'. I've felt good for a while now. Wanting to be happy causes comparison and that's dangerous.
@@deadinside8781 I used to think the same way, but there’s a balance. Constant acceptance can become stagnation in a tenuous situation, or just one you should have grown out from, but found a way to be at peace with for too long. Constantly striving for better guarantees feeling bad when the crash comes, but then, not all crashes knock you down completely. If you work and are lucky, you can build up some momentum towards a more stable happiness, grounded not in wild grasping at good feelings, but in a more reliable ability to do what you find fulfilling. But when to switch from striving to being at peace is hard to pin down… it can be hard to see your life objectively. I suppose that’s why professionals like Doc K exist, heheh
I was in a relationship with someone with depression and i had said something by mistake and definitely triggered a defense response. I had apologized what i said. I didnt mean it. But apparently i had done and or said things many times. And things escalated multiple times and got worse. Although i apologized, “apologizing for my sake”, isnt enough is what they said. It was rough. I wish I handled things better. I blame myself, but I hope for the best for them. What i got out of it was i went to check my mental health to see if im the cause for a lot of these things. When they found out they said it’s too late for me to take action or make an effort to work on my mental health for our relationship to mean anything. Imo, understandable. Like i said, wish i handled the situation better. But i wish for the best.
I have depression and notice that occasionally when I'm having slightly more ok episodes that I fall back into my depressed habits and don't make an effort even tho I know I'm capable of it. It's something I noticed a few years back and it really confused me cause I just thought I was faking the actual depression but really I just forgot how to be functioning
an online mutual seems stuck in a very similar situation and honestly I feel so bad for her she dreams of having kids but the guy is just totally depressed and I feel like it's so sad for her to walk around with all these dreams of a family and the guy is stealing so much time from her
This video had a lot of things I really needed to hear, I appreciate it. I really like how you focus on not blaming as well. I think a lot of the stuff you mention about playing trump cards though is a bit of a defensive mechanism as well since when people sometimes have these conversations they can feel attacked. They can feel like they aren't holding up their end and they know it, so they feel afraid their partner will leave them so they want to say anything to keep them around because they know it will hurt more to lose them. So staying solution focused can actually empower them too and take them away from that worry. I really hope a lot more people see this video and watch it through. It is very helpful and empowering. Thank you.
People gotta stop jumping to conclusions about this relationship. We're only hearing one side of the story. Not saying she's intentionally lying or leaving anything out, or that she doesn't deserve empathy and compassion based on what she's shared. But without hearing both sides and knowing more, saying things like they should break up, it's all his fault, he's just sabotaging the relationship, she doesn't deserve him, etc. is dangerous. Some or all of those things _may_ be true, but we really shouldn't assume them after hearing just one side.
Could you also provide references for the articles you mention. I’m a doctoral student and I often get excited to read the articles you talk about but have a hard time finding them. Thank you for the amazing content
i'm really sitting here taking every couple's advise for when your partner is depressed to know what to do and use it when i fall into my next depressive episode bc there is no one who would genuinely take care of me
I think if you go through cycles of depression and do nothing to prepare for the next low while you're riding the high, that is very much on you. Build your support network, take your meds, save up, keep going to therapy... and if/when it comes back, maybe it won't hit so bad. Speaking from experience here.
I so know that. I'm single for the last 10 years and really don't want to pursue another romance, there was way too much pain. I was supposedly to blame for the failure, and don't need to go through that again, and I'm old. My situation was not as cut-and-dried as the above example.
Just wanted to say that I love your videos. I think I usually watch/listen to at least one video a day just to decompress or to help me fall asleep lol
As a former depression sufferer I think it's easy to look at your perspective and see the logic but being a sufferer you aren't in a pattern of practicing good emotional intelligence and logic around the issue. And though I didn't create fake episodes, my behavior still hurt others. The awareness of hurting others only deepened the depression. Total pity parties would result which make you feel even weaker, and created more defensiveness or hopelessness. You mentioned going to the person about a plan and creating strategy while well. Sounds good in logic but again this isnt a rational person on this topic. So this commonly fails because the sufferer doesn't trust themselves to be consistent because they feel they are in a vicious cycle of being at the mercy of the episodes. So the hope strategy is code for "I can't trust my own plans and proclamations so I won't make any. I can only hope for the best and can't trust myself on how to be ready for the worst." I used to have a saying, "the only thing I'm consistent in is being inconsistent." I told my friends not to count on me until I was better. All I possessed for sure was the desire to feel better and not be in bondage to my mind. I realized I needed to rule and reign over my brain. How though? Through faith, diet (no meat no dairy, no processed foods or sugar - only agave syrup for sweetening), strategy. Faith and diet were huge because the faith showed me strategy while the diet cleared my brain just good enough for me to think clearly long enough to implement the strategies. I didn't implement the strategies while well as much as I did while in a depression. That's where my mind had to learn to accept the challenges until it became 2nd nature to challenge the depression. I no longer accepted it as "my depression". But instead "the depression". I disconnected myself from it like a toxic boyfriend I wanted to be rid of but in a stern loving way. I used to have depression and bipolar cycles monthly with breaks of not being sad or sometimes I was depressed for extended months, along with seasonal depression. So I was sick of it. I was tired. Desire to be well was a life float for me - that God wouldn't leave me like that after all those years of mental suffering. It's been well over a decade now with no episodes. Self regulation is possible. I still get sad and still want to get paralyzed in adhd overwhelm but my sadness is normal and within reason and very very short lived and when I get adhd overwhelm, instead of shutting down, I slow down to being happy to just do one main priority and not judge myself for not figuring out the other stuff yet 😂 I'm still working on the adhd. But I no longer allow it to set off depression nor big mood shifts. My heart and prayers go to those suffering with loved ones with this and the depression sufferers. There's hope but it's just like doc said, You are accountable for your own mental health management. You must take accountability. You can't put it off on others to do what you aren't even sure how to handle. You can do this.
Depression isn't your fault. But your behaviour IS your fault. You need to always be trying to get help to get better. It's fucking hard because I've been there. I lived in my bed for 3 years but I finally got my therapy I needed and after 8 months I've been doing so well. My partner is happier because she doesn't see me crying and hurting everyday. For me personally, it wasn't laziness, it's me avoiding everything. Everything is too hard, I don't have energy, I'm going to sleep all day. What I did is slowly confront things that I needed to. I don't want to get up, but I have to otherwise I will never get my life back. I have a treatment plan with all the things I need to do everyday to make sure I don't slip back into my old ways. Somedays it's easy, some days it's the hardest thing ever, but I'm working hard for it because I WANT my life back. It's something I'll have to do for the rest of my life, but that's life tbh.
The depressed person doesn't know they have any power. They throw their hands up and say "I can't help that I'm this way" because they literally think it's IMPOSSIBLE for them to affect it. So when you say to them "you have to accept responsibility" they think you might as well be telling them, "you have to learn to fly". It feels too big, too hard. Incremental small changes that outsiders suggest, feel like they will never change anything, that you'll keep falling backwards over and over, and be even worse off than before you tried to do something. Depression by its very nature makes you lose hope when it gets bad enough. It's very tricky. I was there, I was basically unable to function normally (work, study, have friends) for many years and my partner watched me go through that, and went through it too of course. They did not understand, they thought I was addicted to being depressed. I wanted things to be different, but I needed more patience from myself. I had to accept that recovery will take a long time. Now I'm worlds better, and able to live normally again. But nothing my partner said ever changed anything at all. The change came only when I was ready to change, and then it was slow.
This helps me understand why my husband will give up so early and why he does not do proper treatment for his depression. We might get a divorce because I cannot handle it any more because his depression isnot sadness or laziness, rather it is anger, and that is taken out on me, which has made my fibromyalgia worse. You can love someone but decide to leave for the sake of health. But I have given up trying to understand or fix and find solutions for him as he has not put in the same effort. This surrender is blissful I have to say. But as I distance maybe he will finally look into it. Either way I am finding comfort in solitude and no longer trying to make a man happy who can never be happy.
I’ve had depression for 14 years, and lazy is not something that comes with depression. I want to do things but I get tired really easily for the most stupid task, and I normally do everything in my head. I’m being lazy when I order an Uber because I don’t wanna walk, or when I call my brother to bring me water because I don’t wanna stop playing a videoge
Jesus, the guilt of making my partner support me for 8 years, fucking selling their possessions and working 2 full-time jobs, would kill me. I cannot IMAGINE putting someone I love through that.
Yeah the fact that they haven’t killed themselves is proof enough to me that they’re mostly faking the depression.
Homie, you’re literally a burden on the people who love you. It’s not even just in your head. They would actually be better off without you 😂😂😂
Ikr. I even feel bad when I get paid for my job if I don't think I do well. Wow
Dude, I would genuienly rather just game end than put a partner in that situation.
I dated a guy like that, total pice of shit and started to get physical once I stopped enabling him. So happy to get out. I think there’s a difference between being depressed and being a piece of shit and it’s hard to tell sometimes.
@@MikeHunt-zy3cn
Seriously, the sheer guilt and shame of that would do me in.
Haven't watched the full video yet (obviously) but if you find a woman like her who would stand by your side through thick and thin, would sell off her car to support you, You better get your ass treated and love her back for what she sacrificed for YOU. She has rightfully earned that!
Can love be earned?
Important to remember that we're only hearing one side of the story here
Right! She sold HER car while working two full-time jobs to make payments on HIS car while he was out of work.
You can't earn people or fix people. He was sabotaging both of their lives including their entire relationship. It hurts but she should've left him earlier.
@@torchmusic27 way earlier. She doesn’t know her worth:(
I used to be depressed when I was going through college. I didn't want to be a burden to my friends, but I also didn't know how to really deal with it in a healthy manner either. I just questioned what was the point of life if all we do is work until we're dead.
One thing I can tell people is that, if you're depressed and refuse to get treated, you can't blame people for just letting you go and cutting you off. Overtime, not only are you damaging yourself, but it's also very unhealthy for those around you and actively trying to help you, and there's only so much they can do to help you get through your depression. Ultimately, you're the one that has to decide you want to move forward and be treated and be in a better place. There needs to be some sort of progression, you know? It doesn't have to be overnight, and it can even be years, but there needs to be some sort of progress in the long term. You can't just be in the same spot for the rest of your life and feel bad for yourself and refuse to get help. That's the difference.
Right but it's double sucky if you genuinely want the depression to go away and you're trying fucking everything to convince the beast it's wrong about life. Especially when the bourgeoisie rag on the masculine spirit and just want you to consume all your life. It can be difficult finding a good mode of being nowadays.
Just get out of the city bruv. Depression isn't an illness it's a signal from your brain, it's telling you something is making you sad. It's probably your outlook on life or your situation. For me it was my outlook. Try listening to Allen Watts as that cured my MDD. Jesus was a normal dude who became _A_ son of god, not _THE._
Agreed.
I honestly would be surprised if someone liked school and work. That person's new name will be bot. But we have to put food on the table and roof over our head.. so it is what it is. We get 8 hours a day usually to do what we want.
@@slowfudgeballs9517 you just said that depression isn't an illness, and that Jesus was a normal dude that *became* "A" son of God (as if there was more then one???)... Even as an atheist this just hurt my brain lol
Man I consider myself so lucky... My wife was working a super toxic job that was crushing her soul, burning her out, and causing massive depression. I kept holding out hope that if she could just get a different job, things would get better. And fortunately in my case, she started seeing a therapist (which was a hard step for her), taking an SSRI (also a hard step for her), and both of those helped a lot, and then a year after that she got a MUCH better job and it's like night and day. I feel like I got my wife back! The woman I fell in love with, and things are awesome. But I feel like it could have easily gone the other way, and man, the couple rough years were ROUGH, and that "depression super armor" is a hard thing to deal with.
I'm very happy for you and only wish you two the best for the future
It is good hear this kind of story. I've been at my job for nearly 12 years and I am burning out (no room to move up, same-old-same old, pigeon holed a bit, and lots of overtime to keep up with under-staffing to stay on schedule) even though the company/people in it are great otherwise. Definitely getting more and more depressed and been thinking of seeing a therapist (and then talk myself out of it thinking they don't deal with burnout issue, which I'm honestly not sure if they do) before just quitting. Probably will end up quitting at some point as things in the office are not improving and want to get another challenge, or just try something new.
@@Swarm509 I'd check of therapists deal with burnout just to be sure. I was talking about everything during my time having a theraphy
That's amazing to hear! I went through a very depressive episode while dealing with unemployment and financial issues. I'm so happy that my wife stuck with me through that rough period, I'm so much better now.
Can agree with the last statement about the depression armor.
My partner is so amazingly supportive of my depression. I watched this video to see what I could do better or what skills he might be able to develop. But were good.
I know people hate performative gratitude, but i genuinely am just so grateful to him for being there for me that I CANT take advantage. Im like, well hes busting his ass AND taking care of me on top of it. I'm gonna bust my ass too, even if busting my ass looks like loading and unloading the dishwasher, showering, and doing an hour of actual work interspersed between rounds of videogames and naps.
And when it does, hes like, thanks for doing the dishes, you look so beautiful today, do you want taco bell for dinner?
Its literally happening right now, where im thinking about how supportive he is and im like. Why am i writing this comment instead of doing something to make it so this man has to cover for me less? And im gonna go do that.
That's amazing! Thank you for sharing.
Fucking get them dishes girl. You got this.
I feel precisely like this! Some days depression makes it so hard for me to even go to the bathroom for the first time at 4pm, but those other days when it's not as heavy, I think about my SO so much... 🥰 I just want to give some sort of "thank you" for being there for me, all the time. They're amazing, and adorable- I'm rambling.
All that to say: I agree, and I relate.
Love this comment
That's so lovely to read :) I try to be the sort of partner for my gf that you describe your bf to be and let me tell you, loading and unloading the dishwasher goes a loooooooong way 😂💕
I had psychogenic seizures as a teenager. In the end, it turned out to be caused by constant panic and anxiety from my abusive household, which I had been conditioned to suppress so completely that I was totally unaware of it. But, every doctor or therapist I talked to saw me, a patient with "seizures" but no EEG findings, and then talked to my abusive but outwardly charming mother, and each and every one followed her to the conclusion that I was a manipulative psychopath who couldn't be trusted and shouldn't be humored.
Some told me this to my face, and castigated me for wasting their valuable time and expertise, and taking treatment out of the hands of a patient who NEEDS to be there. With others, it was obvious from the disgust that appeared in their body language after they talked to my mother. Some did the "ultimate test": compliment my intelligence, and if I don't respond in exactly the right way, it proves that my mother is right. No matter what, it was always the end of treatment.
I'm very lucky that I eventually saw a doctor who recognized, and diagnosed, conversion disorder, and started me on a road to better mental health. If that had happened ten years sooner, my life would be very different. I might have gained access to resources that might have helped me escape my abuser. My malnutrition might have been noticed* before it led to SMA syndrome. But, thanks to that easy, demonizing assumption on the part of dozens of health providers, I'm still dealing with the consequences to my physical and mental health. In particular, it took a long time to get to the point that I can trust ANY medical professional. To this day, I see myself refusing to budge when being offered a ride to the ER**, because of the overwhelming feeling that no matter how serious or "real" I think my symptoms are, I won't be believed. I'd just be wasting their valuable time and expertise.
Taking treatment out of the hands of a patient who NEEDS to be there.
*My BMI when I got out was 13. Any doctor who raised a concern with that got told by my mother, "Oh, he's always been thin. But he eats plenty and he's perfectly healthy." To this day I cannot comprehend why so many doctors believed her instead of their own eyes and instruments. The most obvious evidence of my abuse was right before their eyes. I've gained 90 pounds since then, and I still look thin.
**I've almost died twice because of "hospital hesitancy":
1. An antibiotic mouthwash, prescribed for periodontitis, led to a mass die-off of bacteria in my gums, and the results went straight to my bloodstream. After three days of fever to the point of delirium, three days of sweat-soaked sheets and effective unconsciousness, I miraculously pulled through without treatment. I found out afterward that nobody in my family had checked on me. My mother, who walked past my room a dozen or more times every day, said she didn't even know I was sick. I later remembered that the prescribing doctor had warned us, and specifically her, that this was a possibility to watch for. (Must've slipped her mind.) That doctor later told me that, without treatment, I had roughly 50-50 odds of surviving that experience.
2. After eight hours of continuous coughing and vomiting, even my mother believed I should go to the hospital. I was later told that I had arrived minutes from death. My blood pressure on arrival was 45/0; I was so impaired from dehydration that I thought this was interesting rather than terrifying. Their first three attempts to get an IV line in failed, and the profuse bleeding from one of the failed attempts clotted solid on my wrist after just two drips. After drastic measures, including no less than THREE LITERS of IV saline, I started to recover. Investigation of the cause eventually led to my SMA syndrome diagnosis, and doctors began facing the possibility that I was chronically malnourished. (Almost ten years too late.)
I'm lucky enough to now live with roommates who are more credulous about my health than I am, and who have (almost literally) dragged me to the ER when things have gotten really bad.
I have chronic conversion disorder and I have a lot of similar takes on modern medicine and the general attitude people have for not understanding how stress can physically manifest as symptoms. I echo many of these sentiments myself. Sympathies for your much longer journey to diagnosis. It's a rare condition that we just don't understand very well. I went undiagnosed for 5 years, with everyone doubting me every chance they got too. People don't know what they don't know.
I had the seizures too for a while due to abuse and malnutrition. Thank you for sharing your stories, it means so much. You’re not alone
Damn, I’m really sorry to hear that. Reminds me of how lucky I am to have my family.
I'm sorry a Mother should not be like that... Glad your stll with us as for me it only Hospital hesdency only happened once... After I was falsely arrested and tortured(Thown into a sink and almost kicked down sairs.) in a local jail in the US... when I got home I needed medical attention for a bleeded head and dehydration but with an ambulance a cop also showed up and thought I was faking it so he baker acted me a law that allows any one to say you have a mental illness and need to hospitalized... So I was... thankfully I was put on IV fluids but they missed the fact was bleeding from the back of my head... So yeah it happens.
My god, thanks for sharing. That sounds like a pretty horrific upbringing. Are things still going okay today?
ADHD and burnout also has me constantly questioning myself if it's just laziness or not. Some days I'm just so exhausted from trying to function I need the time to bounce back. Where does laziness start and where does self-care end?
Laziness doesn't exist. Multiple articles have been published to this effect. Philosophically, laziness is a judgement as if everyone's executive functioning and energy levels are always equal, and that everyone's desires/goals are the same too. Laziness is either: 1) choosing to relax/not be "productive" to the same degree/quantity/frequency as others because life is more enjoyable with relaxation and other people not understanding your choice; 2) super necessary self-care after emotionally & mentally taxing scenarios like burnout, trauma, grief, etc; or 3) some kind of mental or physical health reason to have lower energy or executive functioning or even motivation than other people, and without solving the underlying health reason for this the person just "can't" do the thing, it's not laziness but lack of ability to function. Or I guess 4) Malingering, as described in this video, in the sense of essentially being emotionally overwhelmed and unsure how to get out of it unless you pretend you're dealing with one of the previous 3 options, especially #3.
So as for ADHD and Depression, it's so hard to "do things". We can't get started on tasks. It's struggles with executive functioning. If self-care helps you recharge enough to be able to do the thing, that's great. If you're actively recharging. Otherwise, is it really self care? Or just numbing behaviors/avoidance/addiction/exhaustion/a state that you're stuck in?
@@VioletEmerald This leaves out the fact that recharging doesn't exist in the way that people generally conceive of it. EG, relaxing by meditating in the sunlight for ten minutes will have a positive effect on executive functioning, whereas browsing reddit for an hour will have a negative effect. A lot of things people think are self care are actually bad.
When it becomes habit
@@VioletEmerald of course laziness exists, it’s the first definition you gave. Choosing not to be productive because it’s more enjoyable to relax is exactly how people define laziness.
I put it to myself like this: if I do this "relaxing thing" will I feel better, the same, or worse afterwards? Because yeah, playing video games for 3 hours in a mindless haze is relaxing, but I feel the exact same afterwards, or worse because I have less time now. If it doesn't make you feel better at the end, it isn't self care. It's self destructive. Another, trickier example, getting fast food as a treat makes me feel better because I don't have to worry about cooking and cleaning, so in moderation it's self care. But going to Taco Bell at midnight because I don't want to cook is usually gonna result in a sleepless, fart-filled night. That is not self care. That is me facing the consequences of earlier laziness, by not eating and going to bed earlier. So the same action can be self care or not, depending on what you truly need right now and what makes you feel better for having completed it. (Note, I'm also struggling with burnout and am lazy enough that if my house were flooding I wouldn't get out of bed till the water floated me out of it lol)
I'm really having flashbacks to my previous relationship with this. He didn't go to work, he didn't go to therapy, and I spent years of my life supporting him only to be broken up with when he was doing okay and decided he couldn't handle me being asexual. Now in my current marriage, I get freaked out feeling like I'm not doing enough while simultaneously being terrified of having all that pressure on me again of being the only one making money. But I'm doing better now and have been able to tackle some of my own mental health issues that really got pushed down for a while to take care of him. Taking care of your mental health is not just about you, folks! It's really about your loved ones too.
im so sorry your old partner sucks, im glad you're doing better
I'm glad to hear that you're in a healthier space. I'm not a licensed professional by any stretch, just from my own experience in a similar situation it sounds like you have residual trauma from what you went through in the old relationship, especially with getting abandoned after all that effort. It may be worth exploring for you to feel confident and complete in your current life situations. Best of luck to you and I hope you have a life full of wonder, passion, and dual give and take. 🖤🖤🖤
Same, except the asexual part. He made me feel bad for wanting sex until I stopped asking, then broke up with me because I "didn't try anymore". Found a condom wrapper that wasn't "our" brand in one of my moving boxes. He was constantly trying to pressure me into sleeping with other people for his entertainment, but he made me feel so unsexy and unloved. By the time he broke up with me, I had been jobless for so long because I had such bad anxiety and depression, stemming from HIM. I was going to therapy, I was medicated. He wasn't, even though his ADHD was blatantly messing up his life. On top of all that, he chose his abuser over me. And now, he's got two girlfriends and I have PTSD
@@paigeseliger836 I'm so sorry to hear all that. I know it doesn't always help to hear but it sounds like you are in a position to move on to a healthier and happier life and I really hope for that for you. Now you can focus on YOU and you know some red flags for the next relationship. Don't give up - you'll get to a better place.
@@gothempress Thank you. I definitely have some residual trauma and it sure peeks out on occasion but my current husband totally understands, as he's got his own baggage from previous relationships and we've been friends for so long we've known each other through those bad situations. He knows that sometimes I just need to express that that is how I feel and hear him reassure me and I'll have an emotional day but feel better by the end of it. Things are definitely better than they were!
I can relate to the guy's cycle of job loss. That was me for the first 10 years or so of my adult life. I really felt incapable and crippled. The last 4.5 years, though, I've held the same job, I'm a hell of a lot happier, and I've taken on more responsibilities (I'm a union steward and a member of the labour management committee as well). I wish I knew exactly what has made the difference, so that I could share it, but I'm honestly not entirely sure. My job is *technically* part-time (I drive a school bus), so I have lots of time to rest during the day and during school breaks. Working with children makes me stupidly happy; kids are psychotic and delightful. I have colleagues that love their jobs whom I can chat with every day. I've been single this whole time (my last relationship of 3 years was with someone who wouldn't take responsibility for his depression/anxiety and who slowly drifted away from me despite my best efforts).
I don't know. It took a VERY long time for me to open up to my colleagues and allow myself to accept their affection. It took a long time to recognize that they like me, in all my quirkiness, even if I don't. Maybe I learned that because it was easy for the kids to like me and I knew they were too young to really fake it. Getting genuine affection from children is good for my soul.
I'm still not confident I can work full-time, but I take on more things as I want to, and work hard at those, and that helps my confidence levels. I'm still kind of bad at taking care of myself at home (cooking, especially). I try not to give myself a hard time; it genuinely isn't the end of the world if I eat a just-add-water Kraft Dinner serving for supper. Beating myself up over it just makes it worse.
Wish I could be more helpful. But thought it might be good to share. 🤷 Good luck out there, peeps.
You've been more helpful than you might think: just sharing your experience is enough. X) keep up the awesome work! I'm cheering for you from a random part of the world. X)
@@biscuitstrudel1817 Thank you for the nice note!
I found this very helpful and overall just really nice to read. Can relate to many things you mentioned. Wish you and everyone else here the best, thanks for sharing 🌱
Thanks Sharing! Just out of Curiosity - do you Go to Therapy? If Not why Not?
@@blacksolidChrome I've been in and out of therapy kind of sporadically for the last 20 years. I've had to rely on publicly-funded mental health initiatives, as private therapy is hella expensive. I personally never found CBT terribly helpful, but DBT, which is specifically for managing extreme, dysregulated emotions, was pretty good for me.
“For people who struggle with depression, the real responsibility comes when you are well.” So many gems in this video. Thanks Dr.K. Gonna come back to this one frequently for reminders. Thanks!
I empathise with the woman here very much. My partner had a mental breakdown that led to CFS, depression and anxiety. It is incredibly hard sometimes. I think she needs to make sure she is okay physically and mentally. You can love your partner very much yet not drive yourself into a mental breakdown (where this looks like it's heading). Drawing boundaries, accountability and starting treating your partner as a partner and less like your kid is essential
IMO she’s not at fault. The husband is in a cycle that isn’t going to end, especially when she is enabling him. He faced no consequences for his actions and blames forces outside of himself. Yes you should attempt to help loved ones out of depression but only if they help themselves, too. She needs to see this and leave him, otherwise she will go down with him.
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.”
Don't set yourself on fire to keep another person warm, unless you're a parent.
This is so for real. You can care about someone and offer them a shoulder all you like, but when the only thing they can talk to you about is how shitty they feel, first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it's time to move on. It feels cruel, but you will both be better for it. I was falling back into depression when it happened with my partner, and after we separated, not only was *I* less stressed from having to worry about their feelings and my fear to share mine, but it gave them a chance to refocus their goals and move on from that period of life. As much as it hurts to tell people you love no, enablement is the fastest killer.
True. I genuinely think the best thing for people with depression and anxiety is to give them no choice but to do the thing they don't want to do. I imagine that's why it's a first world problem.
@@gj4312 this exactly. Can't keep baby bird on the nest forever
@@Val-ub4uw agreed, can't imagine this situation lasting that long were they not living in a place and time where this level of enabling is even possible. Having a car to sell at all, having multiple jobs even available to get...
This reminds me of your story of the guy visiting someone and kept eating the food he didn't like first without telling them. They kept giving him more cause they assumed he liked it. All he had to do was be honest earlier.
She held her tongue for 8 years. Communication is super important. You can tell your partner about how you feel without making them responsible for your feelings.
Nothing makes me feel closer to my wife than us opening up about our negative feelings to each other, and making a game plan going forward
Yes... When it said she didn't cry about it in front of him. Crying is what alerts each other we need help. It's okay to cry
34:00 THIS is how I got over my depression and anxiety. I kept listening to the voice and "trying everything I thought would work" until I gave up and tried things I didn't think would work, and that worked
Based
Beautifully put and very relatable cheers to the things that we didn't think would work
Can you provide an example of something you didn't think would work? I'm struggling with that rn super hard
so true so true
I always ignored the sleep hygiene advice, the yoga, eating better, getting a routine. I thought, that's way too easy, and as we all know there's something fundamentally broken with me so it couldn't possible be that easy!
then I went to therapy and came to discover I'm like every other human and if I treat my physiological needs and seek genuine relationships, I'll feel better.
though this is a super simple way of describing like, 4~5 years with lots of rollercoasters lol
@@sushigivesmelife2131 I'll provide something. For me, I've been struggling with maintaining the consistency required for working out to be effective. I'm not in terrible shape since I worked physical labor for a long time, but I obviously want to be in better shaoe. I've wanted to tone and build muscle so I look and feel even better. I've tried really hard to go to the gym, and develop healthy habits around going to the gym, but the reality is, I hate going to traditional gyms. Having ADHD, it's really difficult to force myself to do enough repetitive workouts to get a positive effect.
This led me to start looking for other ways to remain active. I started playing basketball like I did in school, and I started watching NBA games. I'd throw on games while I write, which would help me be productive, and made me want to play even more.
I also started bouldering. At a coffee shop, I met a random girl who worked at a climbing gym. Had a brief, friendly conversation, and she gave me some free passes to the gym. It took a lot of courage to take myself out of my comfort zone to go and try this, but when I did, I fell in love with it, and have made friends in the gym. I'm more active now, the most active I've been since I was in school, and I now have hobbies besides my more reclusive ones like playing video games. Hope this helps.
I've been suffering from depression for over ten years, and it feels like a constant battle with myself. While this video deals with how to communicate with someone who may be using their condition as a shield from criticism and responsibilities, it's honestly useful for someone like me as well in learning how to deal with the side of myself that is tempted to use it as an excuse to avoid difficult things in my life.
My condition and my situation in life up to this point may not be fully my fault, but I do have to take responsibility for not putting effort into managing my life and myself. Mistakes happen, hard times happen, but usually it's those hard things that I instinctively want to avoid as a way of avoiding anxiety and potential failures, are the very things that would improve my quality of life and my depression. Like socializing, regular exercise and finding work that I can handle.
Be merciful to yourself for your mistakes, but work to make yourself better - including doing those harder things that you might want to avoid.
Depression isn't an illness it's a signal from your brain, it's telling you something is making you sad. It's probably your outlook on life or your situation. For me it was my outlook. Try listening to Allen Watts as that cured my MDD. Jesus was a normal dude who became A son of god, not THE. No I'm not a zealot, get out of cities NOW.
Can relate to this, especially the last paragraph you wrote. Beautifully put and well written, working on practicing that every day. Wish you the best and good luck with the future 🌿
Sometimes the support of your partner can be poison. It makes you feel comfortable and guilty at the same time killing the motivation to help yourself. Having someone reward you for depression just encourages this blurring between what's real and what's being lazy for both parties.
True, for that reason I never allow my doctor to give me a sick leave for more than one day at a time so that I'll be forced to go there again if I still can't go to school, because I know otherwise I won't go to school even if I'm feeling better because ill drown in the thoughts of "I can't do it anyways, I just want to hide inside my bed forever". It does help to force some responsibility on yourself. Also I need a mini job and I try to not let my bf pay for me every time he offers because I while I do want support, financial binding makes a love life very dependent and I couldn't imagine that going well (also I don't want to use him but that's about my moral standards more than about depression guilt I think) . Even if it's baby steps, every step you take forward is better than doing nothing and this immediately getting too far behind
But let's not blame the partner here. If you're married, you have a bunch of joint responsibilities. If the functioning partner doesn't put out the fire, both people would be financially screwed.
@@anzabi1543 That's not discipline, but a self-destructive work ethic. It is okay and healthy to stay home, until you are fine. You aren't really productive anyway, if you can barely function and if you are spreading some kind of disease, because you are too proud to stay at home, it is even worse.
The way this is framed is a bit strange. I feel as if there's a blame in someone that is trying to sacrifice and support their partner because the partner doesn't feel as if they need to reciprocate.
The person that is knowingly letting the other person suffer through work/bills/house things/responsibility/etc is, in fact, the person in the wrong. There's no spin on this that can make it the other way around.
YES, massive agree. I realized my partners undying support could be negative sometimes. we can fall into codependency because we both hate conflict, but conflict isnt always a bad thing, especially when needs aren't being met.
I have a natural urge to improve on my own, but someone cheerleading from the sides is helpful. as is knowing someone will be disappointed. I know he wont hate me for giving up, but being disappointed is enough.
He also struggles and I support him, and know when to push and know when to comfort. if he's already beating himself to hell, I'm going to comfort before we find solutions, but the talk about solutions WILL come, not get pushed aside because it's difficult.
The epitome of my Parents Relationship. My father was the only one working, paying the bills, cooking the meals for a long time. My mother used to work and go to school but as time went on, her depression grew over time. So much so that she hasn’t worked in 14+ years, hasn’t gone to school, doesn’t have a social life at all, and is basically living life as a stay at home housewife and my father enables her behavior especially when it comes to buying stuff for her. It has gotten bad to where if my dad does not buy things for her, she starts crying and goes nuts. Their relationship has definitely affected me and my sister growing up but luckily we both were able to gain perspective and some therapy, and are able to live more healthier lives.
My parents were like this except my mother is depressive bipolar. They are finally divorced but my mom got a minimal settlement and last I knew continued to not work and not take meds
I dont think you're being fair tho. Being a housewife is also a job that needs to be done. The husband buying stuff for her is how she gets paid. But unlike a normal job, she's expect to 'give without anything in return' because we're family. It's very likely that she has put her self worth into how much she's being loved by her family and especially husband. And gifts are an expression of love. To her, denying a gift is not just "putting something back on the shelf", it's an attack on her self worth. People with depression already struggle alot with self worth.
@@JLDREAMS but he said the husband also does the house work too.. based on OPs story the wife is completely in the wrong. Having to get his wife gifts makes her more of a child than a spouse. No gifts = lack of worth? How about providing everything she needs to survive to her?
Or an employee who expects pay for days she called off @@JLDREAMS
I really empathize with her - I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago. What I have learned is there is a fine line between accommodating and enabling. I still don't have the answer to that one! Thanks Dr. K as always ☺️
Same. Realized that boundaries don't make me a terrible human being. I just grew up with people that couldn't or didn't know how to respect them.
I've been the depressed guy in this situation. The girl deserves better
I used to be that depressed partner. And everything Dr. K says here is 100% true. It took me years to fight my depression: it took bad times and okay times, it took months of trying the wrong medications until I found the right one, it took tons of introspection--both on my own and with the help of a therapist--to develop the mental tools I needed for building resilience. It was work. But it was worth it, and without it I would never have found stability, never have found and married my husband, never have true hope for my future. It is work, but you can do it one day at a time.
Be compassionate with yourself when you are struggling. When you get up again, ask yourself what is the next thing you can do to build yourself up stronger. If you need to start with getting a glass of water because you're thirsty, do that. If you're hungry, get food. If you have the headspace, look up therapists near you. Everything is exactly one step at a time. Start wherever you are.
I don’t want to be that person that ends up using my mental illness as an excuse in a relationship. I fear I have those tendencies.
Being aware of it is the first step. That way you can guide yourself and be proactive on avoiding the thoughts to become reality.
Same! Self sabotaging cycles and gaslighting, very covert narcissist traits. But I stayed with him, worked hard, took care of the child alone and supported all finances. I ended up having a 5 yr MD on top of ADHD, gad and dysthymia.
I realized I should of left earlier and not helped so much by taking on all the work. After being deep in a depression for two years with a baby I broke up, took another year before I even realized I was depressed and get proper help with doctors, meds, psychiatrist and psychologist, two years into my treatment I feel so much better and don’t regret leaving. The life had literally been sucked out of me.
You can’t change people, you just can’t. Hit the breaks when it affects your life, your loved ones. They will go down alone or dragging you with them.
I’ve always had bad mental health but being with someone who is depressed with massive narcissistic traits while you have a newborn is so brutal. Work on yourself before getting in a relationship or having kids. Wish you all the best and always put yourself first, always.
a few years ago i went to my GP to start building the safety net I knew I needed, because I knew it my "ok" state was only temporary. Literally the GP wouldn't give me referrals until depression was tearing me apart again.
it was so exhausting to be asking for help and having health professionals reply "but you're fine now!"
😮💨😮💨😮💨🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️😔
Ugh isn't that the truth. Unfortunately most health systems only have capacity to help people who are at "the highest risk". I remember calling crisis centers but nobody would admit me because I hadn't attempted yet. Like damn, I really gotta hit rock bottom first? You can't just take my word for it?
Not that anyone cares, but as a person with psychogenic nonepilelic seizures, this was very hurtful. Typically, these seizures are not voluntary, can't be deliberately stopped. I would if I could. The subconscious might use the seizures, but I don't want them I'm not doing it on purpose.
Yes, I was looking for a comment like this because there's actually research on this proving it's not only not fake, but a real neurological condition. I have friends who've studied this for a living. It should be embarrassing for a doctor to say something so not only blatantly scientifically wrong, but hurtful and unprofessional. I wish this kind of thing was responded to with legal action, but I know how normalized it is. This isn't even the first time he's said something like this.
@@snappleandcats8045 I was shocked to be honest. This kinda thing has happened before?
@@seatrisa2977 yes, I forget which video. I remember leaving a comment because it was so bad, but apparently nothing has changed. I wish he wouldn't do this to a community already so stigmatized 🙃.
@@snappleandcats8045 yeah, I have a lot of shame about my disorder. This just added to it.
@@seatrisa2977 so sorry, hopefully people will be better at some point 💕
I had a psychogenic seizure once. I wouldn't call it "faking" or "pretending to" have a seizure, at least it's not that in all cases? I'd been in a deep depression then had a sudden shocking realization that sent me into the worst panic attack of my life. I didn't understand what was happening when my muscles started locking up and shaking, and was terrified because I couldn't get it to stop on my own. I have other mental and physical illnesses, but no known history of anything that should cause seizures, but it matched the description of a grand mal seizure. It was such an extreme low point that it drove me back to therapy, so that's good I guess. (Not to discredit Dr. K's point, I do think a lot of us are guilty at least once of defensively stretching an illness in conflicts about laziness or other actual faults we should be responsible for.)
He's just wrong this time. The articles that say psychogenic seizures are faked or forced were made ten years ago. The more recent sources talk about how it is not voluntary. they are seizure like episodes caused by psychological factors.
Needless to say, as some you still had this. This video was incredibly hurtful.
@@bigbignan and j think that’s the danger of how he’s done this video. Just makes it so easy for a partner to blame someone of faking, just because the partner is finding it hard to deal with the sick partner
I think you missed the mark on this one. You’ve assumed a lot about this guy. I hope he never sees this
Tbh I didn’t watch this and think he was claiming those who experience it are explicitly faking it. To me, it sounded as if he was using layman to explain a subconscious psychosomatic response for a specific form of seizures.
People who have psychogenic seizures believe they had a real seizure until told otherwise in my experience. I worked in a seizure monitoring area of the hospital. It is when they find out it is psychogenic that their condition improves
I think the ultimate advice to this woman to not break up and try to make it work at all costs isn't prioritizing what's best for her at all
He's not saying to make it work at any cost, he's saying they need to communicate about what's going on. If they can work something out then maybe they can continue in a healthier relationship. If not, then it's time to move on
My husband is exactly like this. Both of us suffer from depression, but I’m treating it, I’m working, I’m studying, I’m doing household chores, I’m emotionally supporting him (not mutually) , even though I constantly feel extremely tired (honestly, sometimes I just want to die), and he’s just lying on the bed all day or playing some stupid games on his PC, while constantly feeling sorry for himself and whining about being depressed. I was asking him to get a job (or we won’t be able to live together) or at least to get a treatment for his depression, but he was ignoring me and saying that he’ll do it “later”. One month ago my frustration and despair have reached their peaks and we had an argument, I told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and stop using his depression as an excuse to do nothing. Now he says that I’m rude and selfish and don’t respect his “mental illness”. I don’t think I was rude for saying that, and I don’t want to say sorry to him, but what else can I do?
I wonder if at such a point calling for a time-out may be worthwhile. Take a week, a month off if you can, go somewhere alone, rest and recover, if need be see if you can live with a family member or friend and continue to work if you have no choice for a while. Do it for yourself, and to jolt the status quo into changing, to learn something important from it.
If he complains, remind yourself and remind him: he's an adult with a condition, not a child. If he needs something he'll figure it out, and he can struggle with it while you're not there. Let the consequences of his choices, the consequences of what he puts effort into or not, be his own to carry for a while.
Learned helplessness is a nasty thing, especially when you both fall for its tricks.
If you treat yourself like a child, you're going to act like a child. If you treat someone else seeing them as a child and not a partner who is struggling but otherwise perfectly capable of being a team-mate of their own, fundamentally worthy, they may just stick in that role, too.
It's convenient to treat yourself like a helpless baby if someone else safeguards you from consequences and discomfort constantly. Make it less convenient.
Make dinner for yourself and let him make himself an egg on rice if he won't help out in the kitchen. Clean your own desk but not his - that's his. If he gets tired of the mess he can pick stuff up, too. If not, he can put in effort for therapy. And remember - this isn't a punishment. It's treating him like an adult worth the respect as well as baseline expectations. He's not made of sugar, no matter what you or him might think. Show faith in him that he'll be able to come through, it might take a while but dare to have positive expectations. Encourage him, remind him he can do it well enough to count. Anything at all is a win, truly. Everything is a win, a victory, rather than 'oh that's only 5% of what you had to do'. Expect more than nothing, let him deliver it. If he needs help, a soundboard, encouragement, see where you can help him overcome hurdles but don't do his homework for him.
Let him feel what the consequences are if nobody, not even you, gives enough fucks about things he wants, and what he'll have to deal with when you've exhausted your energy and time whether you wanted it that way or not.
If he mopes, remind him - you don't have energy or resources to carry more than your own stuff and absolute priorities either anymore, and given that he's an adult just like you and you're not his mother, that should be sufficient.
You're not asking him to handle your shit out of consideration, he can at least try to do the same for you.
If it bothers him he needs to review for himself what matters most to him: picking up the slack and making this work together, of being married to a person to be his mom and not his partner.
My partner deals with intense depression, chronic pain, OCD and anxiety, brain fog. I've been bringing in the money. When I ask him to do things, he might forget. He might have five days of crap sleep, bad pain and low energy in a row. But I dare to hold him to some things and truly expect him to come through. It's like giving a kid the chance to prove to themselves that they can do things and gather confidence, agency, self-respect. Everyone needs that, even if they may be riddled with low confidence and negative expectations.
My partner cares about me and he wants to be worthwhile for me. I'm inspired to keep growing and expanding what I can handle as well. Together we're about one entire capable adult, and we're making it work, for us, at our tempo. I'm not carrying more out of fear of 'looking bad', if need be we both scale back to essentials only.
Give your partner the chance to make his decisions too, take his first steps towards proving to himself he's not a little child needing a mommy. He can do it.
And if he decides that he'd rather live without you due to his own lack of courage to at least give it a shot, in exchange for sitting on his ass and waiting until life fixes his problems, it's only right that HE deal with the consequences of that choice that HE TRULY HAS.
Life doesn't give anyone shit for free. Depression is not special, it doesn't make you special, it's not something life will compensate you for by going easy on you.
Fair? No. And? Is sitting down sulking about it gonna somehow fix that? Are you going to get the things you want or need from moping on the sidelines? No.
Important things require giving up the complacent false sense of safety of living in your comfort zone at least sometimes. Caring more about what you might gain or stand to lose than the short term 'ugh'.
Even small changes take effort, and those efforts count! Growth doesn't have to be graceful, it doesn't have to feel heroic, it's not fun, it's like being a worm trapped under a rock squirming your way forward millimetre per millimetre because the alternative is being stuck under that goddamn fucking rock forever.
Defy his depression-helplessness. You know he can do it, and you're willing to be there to support his efforts. But stop doing his homework for him, it just maintains his state of feeling reliant and weak. Give him the gift of making it more uncomfortable to live life like a pancake than to try for something better for himself. Let him hit more rock-bottom than he is aware he can hit if he doesn't pull himself up a bit. He's not going to die from living in a dump, not showering, eating like shit for a while or going hungry. It might make him finally realize that there's a limit to how sad he can let himself be before he gets fed up with himself and will take the hand stretched out to him to give him a boost into getting better.
You don't like him very much, do you? Divorce, babe.
You should leave because that is not a healthy relationship. You are enabling him to behave that way. If he truly can not take care of himself he should be in a psychiatric facility. Most likely he is capable of taking care of himself but why would he do that when you are doing everything for him? Most likely you are co-dependent on each other. But you need to get out before you're totally burned out and he needs to take care of himself, because now he's using you.
@@Graficcha thanks for such a detailed answer. Really appreciate it! ❤️
He's not going to change. Just leave. If he commits suicide, do not be guilty. It will never be your fault.
This video was interesting. notably when he talks about suicidality as blackmail. My last close friend accused me of this blackmail. I took it extremely personally.
I never said their behavior was making me suicidal though. I told them that I was hurt and felt depressed from their extremely hot and cold, irregular, inconsistent communication. They promised to do better, I learned later they actively acted against those promises.
That, and many other stories in the relationship show clearly how I was abused, for so long and so aggressively. I took responsibility for my mental health and actively fought to balance my mental illness with being a healthy person. I got medication and therapy for this person, and they kept poking my buttons and breaking my boundaries.
The sad thing is, she could watch this video and think she was in the right.
But I was the one who knew to communicate. I actively worked with her to establish boundaries, contribution, responsibility, etc. She avoided.
But to her that made the relationship "transactional" and "bad".
fuck it's so hard living with. I know I had mental illness and that made things hard. But I was aware and took action to improve. I took responsibility for the problems of the relationship, to a dangerous degree. Fuck... in another dimension, I did the right things to work with my mental illness to move forward, and was punished nearly mortally for it.
:(
I hear you and I’m sorry this happened to you. I don’t think this video handles this sensitively enough or shows enough different possibilities of what could happen. When we’re mentally unwell, we are often easily manipulated, and so it’s very easy for someone to see this video, and then manipulate someone who is unwell Jen to believing that they’re not making any effort and it’s all their fault. This video doesn’t sit well with me
29:24 THIS. After years of only thinking I had depression, getting some counseling for a brief period but never trying to get medicated for it, I realized things weren't going to get better unless I tried something different. I had to process my trauma, take responsibility for myself, my life, and the well being of my loved ones, and get effective therapy and meds. At some point in your adult life, everyone has to make the conscious choice to unfuck themselves.
(It turns out I have C-PTSD and had/have some very toxic inability to manage my emotions, but meds have helped and since I've learned to identify what I'm feeling, it's been a lot easier to deal with)
Psychiatric resident here just 10 min into the video. I think before getting into the personality, factitious disorder, or malingering part of the discussion there should be a deeper assessment of this person's primary mood disorder.
The cycles between especially high productivity (ie "killing it") and depressive episodes, if in the absence of psychiatric monitoring and intervention, make me suspect he may be on the bipolar spectrum, possibly bipolar II, bipolar NOS, or cyclothymia. Additionally, any substance use contributing to mood disorder also should be ruled out. The presence of any of these would significantly change the approach to treatment.
Bipolar usually presents w/ depressive episodes first, so this person may not have had a history of mania when initially diagnosed w/ depression. It may also present w/ hypomania (which would explain his high productivity without impairment), or sub-clinical manic symptoms before progressing to full manic episodes.
anyway, even if it's a different mood disorder, isn't it the person's responsibility to seek better diagnosis and treatment?
@@olgaklochkova2801 Yes, I agree they still have to take responsibility in order to get better. It may just be harder when their illness causes them to either be overconfident that there is no ongoing problem (in hypomania/mania), or hopeless that things can get better (in depression). It may be a proportionally small amount of time (in euthymia) when they are able to have insight into the whole picture of their illness.
@@PTrey Bipolar is an incredibly difficult diagnosis to live with if you're either person in the relationship. I dated someone years ago with severe bipolar disorder. He had just come out of a depressive cycle wherein the only thing that worked to bring him out of it was ECT treatment which is usually the last option. He was stable for most of the time we were together but during his mania near the end of our relationship, he broke it off due to his situation. Experiencing someone in mania is pretty much indescribable. He got in with some people at his school that had him thinking he had demons inside him that needed to be excised (he had also spoken with Jesus at a bar).
So in the instance of this example from the video, if it was a case of bipolar, it would have to have been a mild case. Mania does not equal functional and the fact that this guy seemed to do really well at work for the first little while makes me think it's not.
@@TimothyCHenderson
I agree from the history given this person has not had mania (ie Bipolar I), as by definition there is functional impairment as you said. I think he possibly may have had hypomania (ie Bipolar II) or an even a less severe mood elevation (ie Bipolar NOS).
I'm sorry that you and your (ex)partner had to suffer due to his bipolar. Bipolar depression requiring ECT and mania with psychotic features certainly would put him on the more severe end of the spectrum, though being somewhat stable in between episodes is a good sign (some people don't have good periods). I hope you're both doing better now.
As someone with depression - your condition is not your fault, but it's not hers for sure. Get it together. You are the one not trying to get better, expecting your partner to take care of you. If you were self-healing a broken arm that only gets worse - it would be your fault. If you were at least trying, maybe she wouldn't be angry.
If you make me suicidal it's not YOUR fault - unless you are deliberately doing it. Sometimes the weirdest shit makes me suicidal - it's on me.
I think 'faking' it may not be the best term to explain this phenomenon as that can imply they are making a conscious choice to pretend or act-out the symptoms. It's important to note that Dr. K was not nessisarily trying to say that someone with PNES is person literally 'faking' or 'pretending' to have a seizure, but was rather saying it but their seizures can not be explained by neurological or underlying physical condition rather they are an unconscious manifestation of real distress, much like a placebo or nocebo effect . These seizures are not consciously produced and are not the patient’s fault. The same could be said of malingering or 'faking' depression. The person may lack the insight or be unaware of the cause of the symptoms. I think in trying to explain the condition in simple terms that would make sense to a large variety of people Dr. K may have unintentionally implied otherwise.
They way he described it was very hurtful. He didn't explain it well.
I agree. A friend of mine suffered substantial injuries as a result of psychogenic seizures not too long ago--real, violent seizures they couldn't control--so seeing this video actually infuriated me.
They were fishing for examples for their malingering narrative, thought they found one, and didn't bother checking.
@@iraviya part of the problem is older articles imply the patient is doing it on purpose when they aren't. I hope your friend is okay.
I think the right term is manipulation, and seizure as an example and to be compared to mental illness isnt a good example
Psychogenic non-epileptic seizures are definitely not a disorder of malingering. They are involuntary responses to stress which is so overwhelming that it can have effects upon the adjacent motor circuits. This was how it was explained to me when I was diagnosed at NIH, and my seizures began during a period of such severe stress that I woke up with my legs kicking without my consent.
Yeah, he didn't explain that well at all. I hope you're doing okay.
it's good to care for loved ones, but sometimes it's necessary to let go if they're gonna bring you down with them no matter what you do.
This relationship is clearly abusive when you accord the same value to the wife's wellbeing as you to the husband's. No discussion of her happiness, her wellbeing, her work hours, her own problems. The premise just assumes all is to be given to the problem partner and nothing expected, and all is expected of the caretaker partner and nothing is given. Husband doesn't care enough about himself or his wife to put in 100% to fix this problem, so wife is wasting her time trying to compensate for him. It's tragic. 8 years of this shit means nothing will change for her until she leaves him.
See this is what also saw. I am making assumptions of course, but it doesn't seem like even during the "good" times these things are being discussed. Like this seems like an already shitty relationship made worse by mental illness.
As someone with a brother that suffers with mental illness. He goes through cycles, in which he gets a job, and he gets extremely optimistic, and the job is the best thing ever... Three months later, it is the worst thing ever, and by the fifth month he quits.
Something I have noticed, is that he is very self aware of his cycle, and I have been able to talk about it seriously. After he makes the decision, he realizes he made a terrible choice. But when he gets on that pessimistic moment, there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to stop him. And it is sad to see how he ruins his life. What is worse, is that the worse his life feels, the more his pessimism gets. But it is all self imposed. I often am quite surprised at how good of jobs he often gets. Jobs with very flexible schedules, where he gets lots of benefits, and is often allowed to take times off to deal with things.... And yet, he suddenly becomes extremely pessimistic and quits.
He has gotten really good with dealing with his mental illness and taking responsibility. He has grown A LOT. And he has gone to therapy and with psychiatrists.... He used to be very abusive in how he used his mental illness, but now he is a very decent person. But that one thing, it seems to never improve. And I want him to succeed, but he falls on the same pattern over and over. He is very self aware of it, and yet it happens again. It is sad to see him ruin his life, but I am sort of losing hope. The thing is, when he gets on that mentality, we tell him, to at least get another job before quitting. But, when he gets something in his mind, he does it without thinking much. And then suffer the consequences after the fact, and after the fact he realizes how terrible of a decision it was.
I already lent him a lot of money, which I do not care if he pays me back, I want him to be good. But I think I have to stop lending him money, I can-t keep supporting him and he has to take responsibility for himself.
He tortures himself a lot, and all of this gives him A LOT of anxiety. The worse his financial condition gets, the worse he gets... But it could have all been avoided if it wasn't for his patterns of behavior. He is quite intelligent, and when he is out of those states, he is very reasonable. He is very aware of his condition, yet it always repeats itself, no matter how much I talk about it with him and he says this time will be different, it happens again. It is hard to know, how I would act if I suffered the same mental illnesses. I have heard him say how easy we have it. But I am not sure about that, I got what I have got with plenty of very hard work. I do a lot of overtime and have worked double jobs sometimes. I have been very very active in shaping my own destiny. Yet, he sees it all as if it was just dumb luck, while he quits at every opportunity. But again, I am not sure how I would be, if I suffered my own mental health issues. Hard to know where his mental illness is his fault and where it is his own responsibility.
And talking to him, when he is in a bad state, is like walking on eggshells. One can try and make him see reason, but he will turn it around to make you the villain. And then no matter how much you talk about it and show concern, he does it anyway. Only to realize what he did a week later and apologize, but it is too late now.
It is very painful to see him like that. Knowing precisely what is the problem, but not being able to do anything. At the end of the day, it is all up to him. But he is my brother, and I want him to be well.
Thanks for this comment. My mother, father and sister all have this same behavior and I've felt very harsh on them. Seeing somebody else observe the same things makes me understand that indeed this is a mental condition and it does have a bad impact on others no matter how much we love them or how understanding we want to be.
I don't know if you're looking for my input, but I'll give it anyway, feel free to ignore it if it's unwanted!
What I've come to realise is that the brain makes pathways. Everytime we envounter a situation we've been in before the brain goes "Ah, I've seen this!" And utilizes the same paths it has always taken. It's very, very hard to break these cycles and one thing I've learned is that it's easiest to do it in very small steps. Try to hold out just ONE day longer than last time. Try to have just ONE talk with your superiors. Just send ONE application, even if you don't intend on following it through.
Your brother won't suddenly change and be able to keep a job. But slowly, slowly, he might be able to change his patterns.
That requires a LOT of energy, however. And investing energy requires the WILL to invest that energy.
If you keep helping him out, why should he want to invest energy? You always do it for him. He has no real motivation. So, in a way, you are helping him ruin his life by preventing him from finding motivation to change it. How can you save him if he doesn't want to save himself, cause you always do it?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you. i just want to show explain how we can actually hurt people in the long run by helping them.
@@firefly620 Oh yeah, that is why I stopped. I wasn't maintaining him per say, but I gave to him whenever he needed it for good reasons.
But then I realized, he would ask me money on the pretense of needing it for something very important, like paying off debts. And then he would use it to buy something else entirely.
He keeps compulsively buying things that he doesn't even need. Meanwhile he is debt and has no money.
My parents are still maintaining him, tho. They do not give money to him, but they do give him a roof, food, etc.
It sucks, because he is aware of that, he is usually a good person, and is intelligent enough to know what to do. But he falls on the same patterns.
But he has never been a person of half measures. So sadly your advice, I have given it to him multiple times and he disregards it.
One example I can give to illustrate why. The doctors had told him, he had very serious health issues and he needed to control his diet and work out. And he wasn't doing it, so I scolded him and told him he should start working out, it is his health after all. But he tells me, "yeah, but I am just getting enough money to buy a full gym membership, I am also planning on hiring a personal health trainer, I know one that works with professional athletes but she is not cheap". So I told him, "bro, you do not have to start like that, start small, go run in the park, use some dumbells that there are already at my parents home, start small and you work your way up." It has been two years since, and he has not started working out once. And even today, i keep telling him, to just take twenty minutes of his day to do something small. But he either takes it to the extreme, or does nothing.
He is the same in every job he starts, he starts extremely excited, and he overexerts himself, he keeps telling me how much more work he does than his colleagues. He tells me how his boss congratulates him due to how much effort he is putting. But of course it is not sustainable, and he ends up getting burned out, and quits.
One of the conditions he has is BPD, in case you were wondering. He has been diagnosed, and he has two other things. But one of their traits, is this cycle of "This is the best thing ever" to "this is the worst thing ever".
I will still try and help him, but not monetarily. Again, he is a nice person to hang out with. But it is hard to see someone you care being like that. But I have made peace with the fact, that i can't really do much than just talk to him and try and make him see things more clearly. but at the end, it is all up to him.
@@farrex0how old is your brother?
@@deku3i Around 33, he is older than me. He has a job now, and things are looking good for him. I just hope he is able to keep it this time.
Before I was diagnosed (in my mid 30ies), I always thought I was just lazy, bc I didn't remember what being 'normal' felt like anymore (before I hit puberty).
Nowadays I have to think really hard about how I actually feel, to make that distinction.
The distinction is I really can't bring myself to vs. I could , but I just don't want to right now. It's still hard to see the difference. It's very blurry at times.
That said: You are not your partner's therapist. If you are at your limit, nobody should blame you for wanting to save your sanity. Just my opinion.
Diagnosed with what?
That part with being responsible to take care of your mental health rlly resonated with me. Whenever I am in a depressive episode I know that I need help. But once it's over I tell myself that I dont actually need help and that things are not bad enough for a therapist, bc afterall I feel alright at the moment.
Man it is so freaking hard to talk to someone who is this depressed
I relate to this sooooo much. My ex couldn't keep a job and I dropped out of school to work full-time to pay the bills and he still blackmailed me with suicide. 7 years later and I'm still in school, still building my credit up, but I'm better off even if I had to pause my life to restart it.
It's so hard to let go of someone you love.
"Every one I've let go has claw marks on them"
"It's hard to be in a relationship with depression " still a valid statement. Dry shampoo is a true friend
dry shampoo works miracles
@@AG-up7kx us brunettes need the formula help so we dont look silly, plus can't beat the spray advantage 😅
I’ll add this as well: we are not taught about mental illness, what is normal what isn’t. We are not taught how to work with and analysis our situation. Some have one bad experience with therapy don’t understand they had a therapist that isn’t a good fit. It’s so dicey.
I´ve been in deep depression where I couldn´t get out of bed, but when I started to run out of money I went out there and got a job so I could pay my rent (I used my savings before). There is a certain aspect of self-indulgence in depression and I am the first one to admit it, but you really need a big stimulus like seeing yourself on the street before you rouse yourself because really you don´t care about anything most of the time. You need to become a "functioning" depressive, like the rest of us.
What I thought about this women's struggle is that she is very depressed, but she has taken on the role of supporting her spouse during his cycles of depression. This is a caretaker sublimating their mental health to the other. I also see that she too is hoping the next time will be better and not using the up swing to insist on accountability with medication, therapy and a plan for recurring episodes. If he is convinced she will never leave, why ever take responsibility. Honestly, after all of the discussions that Dr. K has laid out, leaving has to be an option.
Exactly
the title prevented me from clicking on this like 5 times.
suddenly it struck me...as someone with depression, you best makes sure to know how to understand and get along with someone who has depression...
thank yall for doing this
I’m not clinically diagnosed with depression, but I do have PTSD that mimics it in a lot of ways, as well as DID that makes memory nonexistent (and oh my geez is it disorienting). My partner and I have worked out contingency plans, ways to make sure “I” know what’s going on that day or what needs to be done. I keep meal replacement shakes for when eating is too much. I keep baby wipes/travel cleaning items when showering and self-care is hard. I plan for bad times in good times, looking out for future me/us. My work schedule is extremely modular, so I can shift things around if needed. The coping mechanisms and safety nets go on. This has taken years of therapy, medications, communication with my partner, and trial and error.
In the end, Dr. K is right - mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. OP can’t keep helping their partner when their partner will just engage in these damaging behavior again and not take any responsibility.
As a person with lifelong, seemingly untreatable depression; my strategy amounts to “get it while it’s hot”. I get as much done as quickly as I can while I can, specifically because I know that when my depression worsens (it never goes away), everything will get fucked up. The only thing that can help me in those times is direct intervention by other people, and I don’t have anyone who does that for me.
Some of my friends have asked me if I’m manic, and I have to explain no, I simply have no other choice but to act right now with all the gusto I can muster. Staying alive is a full time job, and preparing for the inevitable dark times is mandatory. It’s odd for me to think about the other side of this, because no one has ever done the heavy lifting for me.
I do have that unsubstantiated hope you mention, but it’s because my own thoughts tell me that imminent death is the only solution. I wish someone, anyone, asked me “what they should do when I get depressed again”. They just want me to say I’m ok so they can go back to their lives. Discussion of any kind of strategy is off the table, because it would involve them being there for me in my darker moments.
Edit: for example, my brother once visited me to help me clean my house. It helped me so much. He randomly visited me a year later without warning, and saw my house was messy again. He said he would never help me again if it doesn’t work. He gave me exactly one chance, and revoked all help when I failed his sudden test.
This story hit me hard. I've been married for more than a decade to an incredibly kind soul with lots of struggles. (Through doing my own work, I recently realized childhood issues caused me to be attracted to needy people.) He is visually impaired, getting worse every year. He has crippling anxiety and depression, as well as ADHD and a history of trauma. I know he has issues, but others in similar situations have been able to live lives, and he's not living his. He has no friends and rarely leaves the house. Her's been employed for a total of 4 days in his life. By contrast, I worked myself into extreme burnout at work. Even though I also struggle with bipolar and cpstd, I've learned to manage it very well. It was a lot of work! As for his mental health and even living life, "learned helplessness" doesn't begin to describe it.
In the last 16 months since my burnout forced me to stop working, I've been working really hard on my mental health while at the same time proving for us both by eating up all my savings, borrowing from family and selling my car. I've threatened to leave him if he doesn't work on himself and get some sort of income, even if it's selling candles on esty and making $50 a week, that would be something. Almost a year ago I moved out because it was impossible for me to untangle our needs, after which he did learn how to feed himself more regularly and other basic life skills. He sometimes "looks for jobs" but last week he told me "next week, I'll actually apply for a job not just look." smh
Every month or two, he starts slipping back into old ways. I bring his attention to it, state my boundary that that is not a relationship I can live with anymore, then he gets his shit together for a few months. Repeat. Every time, he's shocked that I don't think it's enough of a change, even though I made my needs very clear. The "it will get better in the future, somehow" maladaptive optimism is strong in him. It feels like I give 110% and he gives 10-30%, maybe 40% if he thinks I"m going to leave him.
I've been trying so hard to get him to therapy and he finally went a year ago. It's gotten a little better but not by much. Since I'm out of money, I put his sessions on my credit card so he doesn't have an excuse to not go. He still cancels frequently. Recently he told me he's taking his sessions down to every two weeks instead of once a week because he "has nothing to talk about". At the same time he's depressed constantly and he uses me to regulate his emotions, which is so draining. I wanted to punch a wall when he cancelled again but instead I encouraged him to keep the next appointment and make that the topic of discussion. He's doing the work, but dragging his feet as much as he can get away with.
I feel more like a parent to him than anything else. I've lost the spark, and I don't know if I can get it back. I know as long as I see him as a helpless child as well as the source of my resentment at having to carry us both, I can never be attracted to him. I said that last week. We'll see how much that changes the situation and for how long. I'm really tired of this rollercoaster!
I have been both the depressive mess and the one having trouble dealing with someone goin’ through it.
And honest while it’s been a rollercoaster of reflection on my wrongdoings and dealing with the consequences and a lot of apologizing, as well as research on helping others and how it may affect me, I’m glad I went through the struggle and have gained more empathy towards others and myself.
That balance of self and others and having a solution based mindset rather than just ranting or hating others is definitely the right way to go.
Amen
I'm diagnosed with PTSD, BPD, and major depressive disorder. I recently got into a relationship with someone I've known for 15 years within a few months the relationship fell apart. She is also diagnosed with BPD and histrionic disorder. She's a recovering addict that has been clean and sober for 2 years flourishing like she never has before in her life. I still struggle in a lot of ways though I've made a lot of progress in the last 3 years. I love this video because it makes me recognize the trigger defence that I have when my partner told me I need to fix this all right now. I immediately felt attacked and that there was a plan to abandon for months, even though the rational side of me says that's not true. I have tried to seek therapy again twice in the last few years but since the pandemic in Texas maybe specifically were I live. They have no therapist available only medication. I am proud of myself because like you say when I'm up out of the whole I realized I needed to be proactive especially since in this last year I had to watch my father die of terminal cancer and even though I know I have better tools from short lived recent therapy in the past few years. And more in my tool belt. Before he passes I needed to get back into therapy but the help here for people is extremely limited. I live pay check to pay check. So I can afford an independent therapist. So I have to at least for the time being live on hope. Be proactive and watch your videos and others, this is a very helpful video that makes me have more understanding of my responsibilities with my illness and not to blaim other people either because even if it seems like a cold heartless attack towards me. It's also that they don't yet have the tools either and how to approach things and communicate and still struggling themselves.
This is what I said that seemed to help:
"I need you to seek professional help - I need help taking care of you, and I want to take care of you but can't do it alone, please help me take care of you by getting somebody else who is a professional in my corner."
Just stumbled upon this video in a very stressful time and it just made me cry. My family has a history of mental illnesses and I’m currently needing much help to sort certain relationships back in a healthy way and this definitely helped. Thank you so much for making this video! ❤️
This is really strange. I’m a 26 year old female who’s married to a man with depression who has lost several jobs. 😳 thank you for this!
The biggest problem I see is that if non-conscientious people are in this situation "make a plan" is the last thing they want to hear.
A plan is something utterly chaotic in the mind of a person who's personality isn't the planning type.
I have depression and pretty severe ADHD and I've held a steady job for years somehow. When I get home, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, though. I have no hobbies and I live in an absolute mess with my husband who also has depression. I don't even have a driver's license. It's like I'm a different person at work and can actually clean and complete tasks there, but the rest of the time I feel like I'm just existing and have no mental energy.
Really wish I found you a year ago Dr. K. Maybe I would of been able to fix my past relationship and not end up self isolating. Got into therapy before the relationship ended, but it was too little too late. Ever since then, I've been able to realize so much about my mental issues through continued therapy, self reflection, and following your videos. Its hard to not beat myself up everyday over what I could of done. But I'm slowly learning how to move on from my past thanks to your work. Thank you.
This reminds me of my roommate. He doesn't have a diagnosis, but we're all pretty convinced he is depressed and has anxiety. He can't motivate himself to organise to see a therapist and get a diagnosis. He has acknowledged that he would benefit from therapy. He goes through similar cycles, though not to the extent of the guy in the video. He has lost a job before to being constantly late and calling in sick too often and he's on thin ice at his current job. The thing he does do All The Time though is promise he'll do something really simple, like take out the garbage, and he will say over and over again that he will do it by a certain time. He gives timeframes that we all know are bullsh** and I can't tell whether he genuinely thinks he will get the job done in that amount of time. Then he just leaves the job undone for days. He will walk past the garbage over and over and won't stop to think "oh I have time now, I'll just take it out". Then when one of us inevitably does it, he goes "oh I was just about to!". We also remind him a few times, which does not often seem to help him.
He constantly smokes mj for his anxiety too but I think it also really impacts his ability to perform simple tasks and give a sh** about anything.
The most frustrating part is that it feels like he doesn't care about his impact on the people around him when he doesn't participate in some things or does some things that affect us. It hurts because we all try to do nice things for each other and here he is, reaping benefits of our goodwill, while not offering any in return.
Idk man it really starts to grate on you.
Hello HealthyGamerGG. I would recommend that you look at some of the latest research regarding Functional Neurological Disorder and Non-epileptic seizures. As a few others have said, people with this condition are not “faking” seizures. Some folks with conversion disorders break out into hives instead of having seizure-like attacks: they are clearly not faking. How about depression sufferers? Are they faking being sad? Honestly I couldn’t watch the rest of your video after the 9 minute mark as it put the accuracy of the rest of your video into question. Best wishes.
The malingering thing reminds me of high school, i somehow learnt to get stomachache or headache on demand just to skip class. I can still do it nowadays, whenever I want I can just tell my head or stomach to hurt and it does, it is a very light pain and I can also dispel it on command.
i feel so freaking bad for her. also to be told by a partner that "your depression isn't as bad as mine" is manipulative. i had an emotionally abusive ex i used to live with who would always compare our anxiety, depression, and struggles and ofc theirs was always worse than mine. and i started to feel really weird like maybe they are right and i'm just a useless piece of crap who doesn't do anything and can't even handle the 'small' amount of anxiety i have. they said other stuff and acted certain ways which added to these thoughts and feelings and it was hard. it was also kinda like they were projecting onto me but i didn't realize it. i was going to therapy and getting help and trying to grow. but they refused to go to therapy no matter how many times i suggested it. they also had binge eating which they refused to get help for, i had to actually hide some of my food because they would eat all my food sometimes :| and i was on food stamps so it's not like i could just keep buying endless more food. that was my worst relationship ever, ugh. and the thing is even when i was out of it, they were still in my life for YEARS. until last year or the year before i can't remember but i finally told them i just can't have them in my life because they were not actively working on their depression like i was and i was feeling better in general but they would just be so negative and anytime i talked about positive things in my life they basically got upset and it was like yea i'm not doing this anymore!! i want to prioritize my mental health! and i told them i hoped they could get help one day and feel more happy. i doubt they ever got help tho
Actions over outcomes. Effort over actions. Sometimes the actions we are trying to do, we do in a way we didn't intend. Effort is always possible. All of these concepts are important .
This was a very insightful video. I was in a polyamorous relationship where all three of us struggled with depression. One of us had been in an abusive relationship for the previous four years where he was in a situation similar to this. The guy never worked, wouldn't clean, had many diagnoses that he would use as excuses to not be a good partner to his fiance or to gaslight him, and refused treatment. A few years later, us depressed lovers all moved in together and looking back, it was rough from the start. We were all young, each struggling with our own demons and trauma, and feeding off of each other. There were many attempts to organize our lives to keep the apartment clean, doll out responsibilities, etc, but because all of us have poor mental health, it led to a lot of tension and inevitably, the end of our relationship. I was seeking treatment, advised them both to do the same, and was told "that isn't your decision to make" when, as a friend, I just wanted them to Get Help. One is/was (it's been two years so I don't know) an alcoholic and the other enabled that behavior, but somehow, me growing and getting treatment led me to move out. They each broke up with me to be with each other and there was a lot of animosity from them that I still don't understand. Seeing your clinical view of this AITA was reminiscent of how my therapist and I talked about things. I was both players here, as were my exes, where there was always the question of "who is responsible" and often, as the other two grew closer, I felt I became a scapegoat which led me to moving out and starting my young life living alone. It has been a wonderful experience having my own place, I even bought a house! Apparently those two are married now, and I am happily single and mentally skyrocketed from where I was then. Leaving a situation where you feel like you're constantly walking on emotional eggshells is empowering, and I encourage anyone who is in this tough spot where their boundaries are being pushed, consider leaving or taking a break, because, like Dr. K said, all we can control are our own actions.
Great video, thanks.
(And sorry about the wall of text, this just profoundly resonated with me)
Hey I know it's been a while since you posted this but I'd highly encourage you to learn about "Karpman's Drama triangle" if you already haven't. Really helped me understand a toxic trouble I was in as well.
I find that being open, honest, and trying to constructively figure things out actually angers people more. I've been told to, "Stop trying to break everything down" and similar comments when I try to piece together situations with the other person and figure out where the bad vibes came from. How do I deal with these people? Should I? Part of me thinks that they're unwilling to accept responsibility for part of the situation, so if I lay things out and it aims that way, they get angry instead of accept.
My advice would be to show them videos like this one. Dr. K said in a recent video that changes are made through emotions, not by education. So to educate someone, you also have to emotionally access them. And for some strange reason people tend to block against education more, the closer the explaining person is.
Or in a way simpler example: my GF is a physiotherapist but when her parents have back pain or other issues, they never ask her and if they complain in front of her and she starts trying to explain what to do about it, they never listen.
But when they hear from a friend about an article about back pain, they tell my GF about it that she should read it too, because it's working wonders!
You can't imagine the strength of the face-palms.
For some reason her parents block out information coming from their daughter.
Does it make my GF feel any better? Not really. But it explains this miraculous stupidity.
To be honest I did this myself too.. Not taking on good advices from close friends but a random TikTok suddenly makes me take on the identical advice...
So in short: if someone just won't listen, there might be an emotional blocking going on. If you still want to help out, get them to hear it from another source that might get through to their emotions!
Some people may not be reachable. I promise there are others out there who are.
I was on both sides of this through my life, and none are good.
It is also thought to know you need to change, having someone asking you to change, wanting to change but not knowing what or how to. In my case, a decade of trauma related to therapy and medical abuse + sa trauma made it impossible to stay in a relationship. I still get myself asking if things could be different, but I am really glad the relationship ended cause it was my last straw. Sometimes, you need to fall deep and dig a little more, so the fear of changing becomes less than the fear of not changing.
I think it's not about faking the depression as much as letting it stay on you, not try to get help, because than you will loose your excuse, that from your depressed state you feel like you need.
Plus, even when you're not feeling extremely depressed, you can still use that as a card, because you are still drained from being in such a depressed state earlier.
You can also completely fake it too.
But what makes you lazy is the fact you always have a card to use. When you have depression you naturally can gravitate towards not wanting to get up. And the reassurance you can do that, that comes from social understanding and empathy, can make you lazy. Truth is we need to understand, and accomadate, but sometimes. Not constantly. We need to allow them breaks, but between these breaks we need to push them to get better without that being abusive. Or else they will have a much harder time getting better. It's just balance, pressure and breaks in turns.
I really enjoy this channel, but this one felt like a punch in the gut. I have had non epileptic seizures in the past. I had them for months, not understanding the gaps in memory and body aches I was experiencing, until someone witnessed me having one. However, my EEG was normal so PNES/FND was the formal diagnosis. I’m in a support group now, along with people that work as doctors, nurses, engineers, etc. They are not all faking their seizures for attention and to be categorized as such with a Trump-and-the-disabled-reporter-esque demonstration really sucks.
This is an important point and I'm sorry he didn't address the possibility of things like this in the video.
as someone with a diagnosed seizure disorder, please know that I believe you, that you’re not alone, and you are understood. it is very hard to deal with, if you know what a seizure looks like, it is incredibly hard to fake that type of movement, and it’s a scary experience that one who have had them before would not lie about for some trivial pass or easy-out. I don’t believe that any non-epileptic individual has any right to claim someone is ‘faking’ their seizures. i can imagine it’s even more difficult to get validation and understanding from others for non-epileptic seizures. you’re more than correct, they are not all faking their seizures.
I found it really hurtful too. Hope you feel better.
Thank you for sharing and raising awareness! Sounds horrible to go through!
Though to be fair, he does not say, that generally people with non-epileptic seizures fake it, but that there might be some within that group that have their subconciousness doing it to them in stressfull situations.
However, I can understand that even an implication that this could be "an easy way out" for some is irritating for a person suffering through it.
I wish you a good recovery!
@@seatrisa2977 he specified that most don't fake it many times in the video, stating that it is very rare and only three in 100,000 people would ever experience it. He also said that sometimes people who do experience seizures will also occasionally experience seizures due to subconscious non-epileptic influences. Everything he said is evidence based.
As an epileptic, the intro was offensive. I have NEVER used my medical disorder as “trump card”. There have been times where I had to visit the ER during finals week. I woke up with blood on my tongue before work. I’m not sitting there cheeky, full of relief, maliciously writing an email to professor saying “I can’t take my final. I had a seizure.” I’m ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED after a trip to the ER writing an email that says “sorry I missed the final. I had to visit the ER. When can I retake the test? AND do you need the ER note for proof?”
Second, non-epileptic seizures are NOT fake seizures. It just means that the seizures do not stem from (essentially) the same malfunctioning part of the brain over and over! There’s a cause other than epilepsy but is still very much real.
I have not and do not use my medical condition as a “get out of jail free card”.
I was in an abusive relationship with a 21 y/o dude when I was 19. He used mental health as an excuse to treat me like shit. He would threaten to off himself when I was struggling with my own life. I had not finished high school yet and I felt insane amounts of guilt and I felt stupid. I was not stupid. I am not stupid. By the end, I was a broken young lady, and I had given up all my asperations all my dreams. I had nothing to work toward anymore.
I did not walk away from that relationship, I ran. 6 years later, I am happy, I have a college degree, I have my asperations, and I am in a healthy relationship. Could I have worked through that other relationship. Nope. He chose me, because he wanted to fuck around. He did not want to be honest. He wanted a hot geeky girlfriend to spoil him
He bad mouthed everything that made me who I am. You have to pay attention to those red flags and listen when your gut tells you to walk away. Or else you may end up running.
Hi. I did that with jobs since I started working. Would be in and out of them constantly. I'd call out once and then it would all spiral. I went to psychiatrists and therapists. Most therapists were pretty good but I just couldn't, no matter what I did, do much of anything. I went to a total of 5 psychiatrists, all five would end up diagnosing me with bi-polar and/or depression and would treat me for them. Nothing ever changed though.
Eventually I went to a psychiatrist with focus on both bi-polar and ADHD. I got diagnosed with ADHD, my bi-polar diagnosis deemed by her as a misdiagnosis and have been treated for the ADHD since with medication and therapy. I now am holding the job I have. Loving life. Steadily bettering myself. I'm actually able to do the things I want to do to improve my situation. I able to actually partake in this society.
I was ostracized and bullied by friends, family, co-workers, and bosses alike. Left out on my own aside from a very few good souls who stuck by me somehow. Without my diagnosis, I would likely be where your husband is. I'm sorry you're going through it truly I am. It wasn't right for him place his frustrations with his situation onto you... But maybe you and him would both benefit from visiting psychiatrists and getting multiple medical and professional opinions. I gave up looking for help and accepted that I was just someone not met for this world. Some one who would just be depressed and unfunctional in society. Turns out, this world wasn't built for people like me in mind.
Thanks for writing all this! I'm in Germany and studying engineering for way too long (8 years and still only at 50%, it's pretty cheap in this country and my parents have enough money to pay my rent and an average lifestyle for me) and it's sucking away my will to live but I know it's 100% what I want to do in life. The studying is just near impossible, somehow.
My life is a constant question whether to do an easier job that would never make me happy or keep trying. My parents allow myself to keep trying. Is this right or would giving me less money activate myself more? We all don't know... However:
I got diagnosed with ptsd + depression 4 years ago, had therapy, did deep talks with my parents to clean up all that ballast inside of me but I still couldn't get my studies done. The diagnosis described my symptoms but I couldn't get on with the advice for these diagnosis. I was totally confused why I couldn't work on myself and I felt more and more lost with a slight tendency towards suicidal thoughts.
Like a structured week would be good for depression, making a structured plan for my studies, talking to "my inner child" to help getting more disciplined and reduce anxiety. I just couldn't do any of that. Something didn't feel.. Right..
Then I came across "How to ADHD". I just had it randomly in my TH-cam feed for weeks and when I finally clicked on it, my world fell apart. Like everything I can remember in all my life that I found mentally difficult suddenly got a different perspective and lighting. The "ego" Dr. K often talks about got nuked into pieces.
6 months later, I'm still putting the pieces back together. I got an official diagnosis and I'm taking 10-20mg Ritaline in the morning if I have to get things done. I first went up to 50mg but found that I function the best when it just gives me that little kick in the butt in the morning.
I feel sooooo much better. All the shame is gone and I'm really looking forward to the next semester with lectures. I now know that when I'd normally stay at home when being tired/overwhelmed/stressed/anxious, all I need to get me to do is getting the right dose into my mouth and flush it down. After 30 minutes, I'll be happily taking the bus to university!
Is my life still a mess? Yep... building a structure while you're still putting your world together at 30 years old after 10 years of really struggling is difficult.
But I'm slowly taking down the pile up of never-done-things and that's great.
I'm finally full of hope and I actually get something done every day. No shame anymore, just learning, understanding and working WITH myself and AROUND my ADHD-issues instead of AGAINST myself! :)
@@Habixus I'm so sorry you've experienced the pain and confusion that comes with ADHD not being recognized. That terrible feeling of knowing you want to and can do something but being stopped by some imaginary barrier over and over again is so damn tiring.
I'm proud you've pushed on so long! It was absolutely inspiring reading this and I hope others come across your story here. My comment was nothing more than the kindling, you built it into a fire with your words. Thank you for commenting and boy do I hope you get to where your heart desires. I believe in you my friend. Yes little do I know you, but I know humans enough, particularly humans like you and I, to know that if we can get that diagnosis and the proper treatment, we'll stop at nothing to get to where we've seen ourselves for the longest of times. Best wishes my friend. Carry on strong
@@naturally_rob thanks man! I could write pages full of words right now but I'll keep it short.
I should really sleep right now (3am..) but instead I'm sitting here, crying. Your kind words really struck me. Thank you so much for your posts! What you say about the imaginary barrier hits so hard. It's what I always told others to describe my issues. Nobody ever understood... I'm finally punching holes into the barrier, seeing gaps in it. It's becoming a visible, touchable wall now that I can learn to work with.
All the crap going on lately with covid, climate change, Ukraine etc. really triggered my anxieties but my motivation is very high to at some point in the future make the world a better place by technology I'll help to develop and also by being a good person with my story/struggle, helping others getting better :)
I consider myself very lucky. Others have it way worse! It's difficult to see that when you're getting suicidal thoughts but since a few months I can finally be thankful for the "hand of cards" I got for my life.
I'm also sorry for what you've had to go through! It feels weird.. We absolutely don't know each other but it feels like we really understand each other in some way just by writing 2 TH-cam comments each
@@Habixus It is funny how we absolutely don't know each other, but this connection through understanding I feel with you just from some TH-cam comments is such a real and good thing; I believe so at least.
Really man I would love to read more! I really think your story would be helpful for others to read! But you should definitely get some sleep so you can be at your best for the next day. Also, TH-cam comments aren't exactly the best format for you to share your story. If you'd be down and you have free time over the upcoming days, write it up in something like a Google Doc or something similar and share it! I'd love to give it a read!
Have a good night and a good sleep! I look forward to possibly talking with you more!
@@naturally_rob I'm trying to stay "incognito" on the public Internet but I really had to write these comments! :)
Maybe I'll write a longer post about my story in 1-2 years when I hopefully got forward with my studies and can reflect on this time in my life so that it may help others out there!
I'm truly thankful for your comments!
haven’t finished the video yet, but my initial reaction to the post is this: in a relationship, you not only have a responsibility to your partner but to yourself as well. you kinda have to clean up your act and make an effort to better yourself for your own and your partner’s sake, and a good partner should be there to help and support you while you do that and vice versa. when you don’t make an effort to be better for yourself and your partner, the problems fall on you. on the other hand, if these issues have been apparent for years and years, i have doubts about the communication between the two. i know the conversation must be tough, but at some point you have to say “hey babe. i see you’re struggling with your career, and that must be really tough on you. is there something i can do to help support you better or some assistance we can seek to help you feel better and have more professional success?” so obviously one member of the relationship might be more or less responsible for the financial struggles of the relationship, but there also seems to be communication issues on both fronts, one not being open and forthcoming about their resistance to change and the other not vocalizing their needs and encouraging the other to seek help.
I had this same situation except with my fiance, worked my ass off at my job, supporting her in her own endeavors/development and giving emotional support every day just to keep it all together for 8 years. It ended up draining me of all will to live and left me with my own depressive disorder for 5 years, and I’m only now recovering pretty well from it.
I would appreciate some clarification on the co-morbidity rate in the opposite direction. "20-40 percent of people with psychogenic seizure also suffer from real epilepsy" yes, but what is the ratio of people with real epilepsy who suffer from psychogenic seizures? The rate has to be rather small with these numbers, right?
I don't think you're trying to mislead us intentionally at all - but this may be one of those times where statistics phrased a certain way may give misleading assumptions to a generalized audience which may not be so familiar with interpreting statistical analysis.
This is a fantastic video though, I think it hits on some really key points. Thank you Dr. K for highlighting this issue, and for offering some better ways to understand and approach it.
I keep clicking on the videos that have you directly calling out my subconsciousness. It's trippy as you unfold all the layers. I'm grateful for the insight.
this is helping me so much, ive been struggling for so long and acceptance of responsibility i s the biggest step for me. or well, ive always accepted it but never thought myself capable of bevoming a person who can live up to anyones standards, much less my own. so ill have to work on finding strategies to become more confident in myself and one of the steps i have been taking (this only works of youre someone who is thought to be weak, if youre someonme who cannot accept help you should do it the other way around!) is not accepting help and not asking for help and putting myself in situations where i have to be the most competent person in the room (or play that person) and risk being blamed and risk failure
So I have only started, but try to put in my thoughts before being influenced by Dr k. I don't think she is an asshole but she made a big mistake by not telling him how hard this is for her like 7 years ago. I had to learn this as well, since its hard for me to lean on others when they have a bad time. But even if your partner has chronic problems, you still need to share your own troubles, since always handling everything alone will wear you down without actually helping anyone.
Even if it came out badly its good that she did tell him finally.
I struggle from depression. It’s miserable. Luckily my anxiety over getting my job done overcomes my depression and the anxiety fuels my depression after work. It is rough. Mental health is so spotty in the USA. Getting a good doctor that can help you manage your meds is tough. I’ve struggled for 10 years until I found a good mental health professional that I was a good match for AND then many years after that to find someone to manage the medicine part of my life. It’s a horrible existence that is exasperated by a terrible medical system. So disappointing and depressing. I’m just glad I’m functional.
I'd love to see an episode talking about the people who fall off treatment when the treatment is working
I was in one of these situations and it ended badly. I wish I had this video 4 years ago.
This is such a sad story. I hope the best for these two. Life is all about positive momentum loops followed inevitably by negative momentum loops. You win when you figure out how to make the positive ones longer and more intense the negative ones shorter and less severe :)
I don't think that's quite right. I think winning is being able to roll with the punches. Making the happy parts last longer is usually impossible and striving for it easily becomes fighting for it, and that causes misery. I like Big Think's video called Become Anti fragile. It's being ok with the highs ending, accepting the lows and understanding they will pass. But since humans are emotional, it's hard and maybe never absolutely mastered. Better said, it's feeling good throughout, a stable, steady good (you can't feel happy all the time, if you do, it's a sign of a different condition). And that's what not being depressed feels like. Not being depressed isn't where everyone is right now, and I'm high functioning so me neither to some extent, but I'm 'happy'. I've felt good for a while now.
Wanting to be happy causes comparison and that's dangerous.
@@deadinside8781 I used to think the same way, but there’s a balance. Constant acceptance can become stagnation in a tenuous situation, or just one you should have grown out from, but found a way to be at peace with for too long. Constantly striving for better guarantees feeling bad when the crash comes, but then, not all crashes knock you down completely. If you work and are lucky, you can build up some momentum towards a more stable happiness, grounded not in wild grasping at good feelings, but in a more reliable ability to do what you find fulfilling. But when to switch from striving to being at peace is hard to pin down… it can be hard to see your life objectively. I suppose that’s why professionals like Doc K exist, heheh
Wait, people are actually having positive momentum?
I was in a relationship with someone with depression and i had said something by mistake and definitely triggered a defense response. I had apologized what i said. I didnt mean it. But apparently i had done and or said things many times. And things escalated multiple times and got worse. Although i apologized, “apologizing for my sake”, isnt enough is what they said.
It was rough. I wish I handled things better. I blame myself, but I hope for the best for them. What i got out of it was i went to check my mental health to see if im the cause for a lot of these things. When they found out they said it’s too late for me to take action or make an effort to work on my mental health for our relationship to mean anything. Imo, understandable. Like i said, wish i handled the situation better. But i wish for the best.
I have depression and notice that occasionally when I'm having slightly more ok episodes that I fall back into my depressed habits and don't make an effort even tho I know I'm capable of it. It's something I noticed a few years back and it really confused me cause I just thought I was faking the actual depression but really I just forgot how to be functioning
I'm not going to say anything bad about this guy but this girl deserves way better. It's time to split
The responsibility bits are exactly what I needed to hear FOR YEARS.
I was in a similar situation. Those were the most difficult 8 years of my life.
an online mutual seems stuck in a very similar situation and honestly I feel so bad for her she dreams of having kids but the guy is just totally depressed and I feel like it's so sad for her to walk around with all these dreams of a family and the guy is stealing so much time from her
This video had a lot of things I really needed to hear, I appreciate it. I really like how you focus on not blaming as well. I think a lot of the stuff you mention about playing trump cards though is a bit of a defensive mechanism as well since when people sometimes have these conversations they can feel attacked. They can feel like they aren't holding up their end and they know it, so they feel afraid their partner will leave them so they want to say anything to keep them around because they know it will hurt more to lose them. So staying solution focused can actually empower them too and take them away from that worry. I really hope a lot more people see this video and watch it through. It is very helpful and empowering. Thank you.
This is exactly what I needed. Scared constantly to bring up conversations because I don’t want to push him over the edge
People gotta stop jumping to conclusions about this relationship. We're only hearing one side of the story. Not saying she's intentionally lying or leaving anything out, or that she doesn't deserve empathy and compassion based on what she's shared. But without hearing both sides and knowing more, saying things like they should break up, it's all his fault, he's just sabotaging the relationship, she doesn't deserve him, etc. is dangerous. Some or all of those things _may_ be true, but we really shouldn't assume them after hearing just one side.
Could you also provide references for the articles you mention. I’m a doctoral student and I often get excited to read the articles you talk about but have a hard time finding them. Thank you for the amazing content
i'm really sitting here taking every couple's advise for when your partner is depressed to know what to do and use it when i fall into my next depressive episode bc there is no one who would genuinely take care of me
Be your own friend for now mate, remember to try to be hopeful and try to sort your emotions out as that goes a long way. You can do this mate
I think if you go through cycles of depression and do nothing to prepare for the next low while you're riding the high, that is very much on you. Build your support network, take your meds, save up, keep going to therapy... and if/when it comes back, maybe it won't hit so bad. Speaking from experience here.
This kind of illustrates why I've stayed single. I'm just tired of my mental & chronic health problems being treated like a burden.
I so know that. I'm single for the last 10 years and really don't want to pursue another romance, there was way too much pain. I was supposedly to blame for the failure, and don't need to go through that again, and I'm old. My situation was not as cut-and-dried as the above example.
Just wanted to say that I love your videos. I think I usually watch/listen to at least one video a day just to decompress or to help me fall asleep lol
As a former depression sufferer I think it's easy to look at your perspective and see the logic but being a sufferer you aren't in a pattern of practicing good emotional intelligence and logic around the issue. And though I didn't create fake episodes, my behavior still hurt others. The awareness of hurting others only deepened the depression. Total pity parties would result which make you feel even weaker, and created more defensiveness or hopelessness.
You mentioned going to the person about a plan and creating strategy while well. Sounds good in logic but again this isnt a rational person on this topic. So this commonly fails because the sufferer doesn't trust themselves to be consistent because they feel they are in a vicious cycle of being at the mercy of the episodes. So the hope strategy is code for "I can't trust my own plans and proclamations so I won't make any. I can only hope for the best and can't trust myself on how to be ready for the worst."
I used to have a saying, "the only thing I'm consistent in is being inconsistent." I told my friends not to count on me until I was better.
All I possessed for sure was the desire to feel better and not be in bondage to my mind. I realized I needed to rule and reign over my brain.
How though? Through faith, diet (no meat no dairy, no processed foods or sugar - only agave syrup for sweetening), strategy.
Faith and diet were huge because the faith showed me strategy while the diet cleared my brain just good enough for me to think clearly long enough to implement the strategies.
I didn't implement the strategies while well as much as I did while in a depression. That's where my mind had to learn to accept the challenges until it became 2nd nature to challenge the depression. I no longer accepted it as "my depression". But instead "the depression". I disconnected myself from it like a toxic boyfriend I wanted to be rid of but in a stern loving way.
I used to have depression and bipolar cycles monthly with breaks of not being sad or sometimes I was depressed for extended months, along with seasonal depression. So I was sick of it. I was tired. Desire to be well was a life float for me - that God wouldn't leave me like that after all those years of mental suffering.
It's been well over a decade now with no episodes. Self regulation is possible. I still get sad and still want to get paralyzed in adhd overwhelm but my sadness is normal and within reason and very very short lived and when I get adhd overwhelm, instead of shutting down, I slow down to being happy to just do one main priority and not judge myself for not figuring out the other stuff yet 😂 I'm still working on the adhd. But I no longer allow it to set off depression nor big mood shifts.
My heart and prayers go to those suffering with loved ones with this and the depression sufferers. There's hope but it's just like doc said, You are accountable for your own mental health management. You must take accountability. You can't put it off on others to do what you aren't even sure how to handle. You can do this.
Depression isn't your fault. But your behaviour IS your fault. You need to always be trying to get help to get better. It's fucking hard because I've been there. I lived in my bed for 3 years but I finally got my therapy I needed and after 8 months I've been doing so well. My partner is happier because she doesn't see me crying and hurting everyday.
For me personally, it wasn't laziness, it's me avoiding everything. Everything is too hard, I don't have energy, I'm going to sleep all day. What I did is slowly confront things that I needed to. I don't want to get up, but I have to otherwise I will never get my life back. I have a treatment plan with all the things I need to do everyday to make sure I don't slip back into my old ways. Somedays it's easy, some days it's the hardest thing ever, but I'm working hard for it because I WANT my life back. It's something I'll have to do for the rest of my life, but that's life tbh.
The depressed person doesn't know they have any power. They throw their hands up and say "I can't help that I'm this way" because they literally think it's IMPOSSIBLE for them to affect it. So when you say to them "you have to accept responsibility" they think you might as well be telling them, "you have to learn to fly". It feels too big, too hard. Incremental small changes that outsiders suggest, feel like they will never change anything, that you'll keep falling backwards over and over, and be even worse off than before you tried to do something. Depression by its very nature makes you lose hope when it gets bad enough. It's very tricky.
I was there, I was basically unable to function normally (work, study, have friends) for many years and my partner watched me go through that, and went through it too of course. They did not understand, they thought I was addicted to being depressed. I wanted things to be different, but I needed more patience from myself. I had to accept that recovery will take a long time. Now I'm worlds better, and able to live normally again. But nothing my partner said ever changed anything at all. The change came only when I was ready to change, and then it was slow.
This helps me understand why my husband will give up so early and why he does not do proper treatment for his depression. We might get a divorce because I cannot handle it any more because his depression isnot sadness or laziness, rather it is anger, and that is taken out on me, which has made my fibromyalgia worse. You can love someone but decide to leave for the sake of health. But I have given up trying to understand or fix and find solutions for him as he has not put in the same effort. This surrender is blissful I have to say. But as I distance maybe he will finally look into it. Either way I am finding comfort in solitude and no longer trying to make a man happy who can never be happy.
I’ve had depression for 14 years, and lazy is not something that comes with depression. I want to do things but I get tired really easily for the most stupid task, and I normally do everything in my head. I’m being lazy when I order an Uber because I don’t wanna walk, or when I call my brother to bring me water because I don’t wanna stop playing a videoge
Holy crap I'm dealing with a friend and this video drops right on time
4:47 I do the exact opposite, I dump my partners so they don't have to deal with my depression 😂