They liked you (so they left?)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ส.ค. 2024
- John writes: “She Likes Me Too Much” Susan, She filled out her profile looking for specific traits in a man, found him, bonded immediately on a surprising # of shared values and topics, messaged a ton for weeks, felt tons of chemistry on 1st and only date. I'm the guy; it feels like I've found a real special gal. She's in her 40's and wants a real relationship. But she ran away from "fear of falling too deep."
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It’s about self-worth. You may want something, but inside, you feel you are not worthy of having it. You feel you are not worthy of having good things. This is coming from a chronic maladaptive daydreamer who also dreams of things but never does them. But there is a reason beneath it: I do not feel worthy enough to actually have them. So when presented with them, I think: “well, it’s not possible I am going to get what I want so I must be about to lose this, so I am going to run away, or I am not going to even try to put the effort in because I will fail.”
That is not always the case. I dreamed and I knew what I wanted and I set out to find what I wanted, but I was realistic as well in case I never found what I truly desired for in a husband. By God's grace, I did.
Ironically, nobody is worthy of love.
Love is a decision to sacrificially give a gift.
If I deserved love, I should be able to DEMAND you love me as a worker deserves to demand wages from an employer for the work I've done.
Its called chronically single and its not a fear its really a phobia. There's no cure for this, check up on this person in five years and guarantee still single. I had the misfortune of falling in love with that person. She was someone emotionally unavailable and could turn off a relationship at the flip of a switch.
If it doesn’t happen don’t waste time to analyze. Just look for the thing that is for you
Na good without them .. i just leave me alone .. i will never happend ...waste of time
Or have the self respect to realize you don’t need anyone
@@EmilyGloeggler7984 lol hey don't quit on love !
Sometimes the fantasy is better then the real thing because some people fear messing things up.
I like that you are straight to the point, and don't ramble like other influencers. I feel like you really value people's time. Much appreciated!
Only brave ppl get a chance with me from now on. I’m over cowardly people and their issues. Rejection is protection 😂
Dear Susan, I've been going through a painful breakup and I am still falling asleep listening to your videos to find peace of mind and soul. Thank you so much!
Hey same lol. Hope you’re completely over it since it’s been a year :)
Can't understand why someone meets The person and then... goes away!!
It was a live interview didn't go well... Good ... next
Lol it’s SO cowardly.
A lot of MEN are JERKS. But sometimes we change...become to NEEDY. Men don't like needy women.
They met someone they like better. 🙄
I agree with what Susan said. Maybe the person just isn't ready or capable of a relationship...
Fear is in who they are as a person and have inner work to do in finding their truth! Been there in what John experienced... we dated for quite some time... He told me I’m everything he could have ever wanted but felt that he would disappoint me... I was devastated... realized that he wasn’t ready for something/someone real... Susan you said it quite clear.. thank you.
I use to frequent a coffee shop before heading into work, it must have been a year i visited this place until one day i completely stopped going. All because the lady who'd always attend me and knew my order before me telling her anything told me to get closer to her so she can tell me "you know you look real handsome today. Please don't be spooked but i couldn't help it " I was stunned, but i told her thank you. She was asking about my age and if i was married. I always thought she was cute and someone I'd date, but for some reason i never went back. I don't know what that was about, but I definitely lost out on a opportunity. I think it's true when people say "you must first love yourself before loving someone else"
Susan, talking about attachment theory and, specifically, attachment-avoidant people, would be helpful here. It's not really a "fear of getting what they want"--it's always a fear of being hurt or losing in some way.
gnshapiro agreed. I’m not scared of getting what I want ...it’s the possible loss of them /it if and when I get them.
But then again there are so few decent men my age that I feel like I’ll never have that “problem “ to begin with ....lololol
Is it possible that it's the old "dog chasing the car" theory.....what would the dog do if he actually caught it?
@@jenlaird1gmail Those kinds of dogs have a stronger sense of "must defend and protect" than "must stay safe." They are noble, if a little foolish, creatures. I don't think it's so comparable.
Just look at the congruency of their words vs actions. A person's actions and behaviours speak volumes compared to their verbal communication. Sometimes people run away for reasons that got nothing to do with us. They chose to run away, you guys have a choice of moving on + respecting yourselves. The rational part of your brain do not, I repeat DO NOT want someone who doesn't deem you worthy.
I agree with Susan that in most cases, it is just a polite/friendly way to say "goodbye". Sometimes we may think that we meet all the specific traits that they are looking for, but in fact, it is just in our minds. A few years ago, I met quite a few people from online dating. They met most of the criteria that I was looking for such as sharing similar hobbies, looking for a serious relationship, very into exercise and fitness...etc. However, I declined the second date for other reasons. I remember I met some guys who spoke ill of others or complained about the government all the time. Some only talked about their work, and I had to give them my full attention. I also met guys who had very different political opinions than me, and I had to pay my full attention, and I could not even express my thoughts. I also met two guys who had very bad breath that I didn't want to go out again with them.
When I declined to go out with them for the second date, they were confused and usually texted me like, "I felt a lot of chemistry between us and I thought we had a very good conversation. However, in fact, I didn't feel there was any chemistry and the conversation was just so-so. I am a polite person, so I usually try my best to keep the conversation going and having fun. But that does not mean I think the conversation was good. When I met my boyfriend, he didn't tick all the boxes, but he is very caring and always listens to me. Love is complicated and there is no rule to define.
you all probably dont give a shit but does any of you know of a method to get back into an Instagram account??
I stupidly lost my password. I would appreciate any assistance you can give me.
This all sounds so true! 'people crying for the moon' but would not know what to do if they got it!
BEST explanation of people that can’t communicate. As opposed to they just won’t or are not good at it.
Bottom line she was lying about a lot of stuff and didn't want to be exposed so she talked herself up than cut you
I did that to a guy and I felt so bad, I’m in my 40’s and he is 30 but the points is he was doing so well by treating me nice and I got scared that, that was too good to be true so I texted him “we shouldn’t hang out anymore and that I didn’t feel the vibe “ I know I did It because I don’t want to get hurt and my last experience was a nightmare so I’m sorry but I’m human and I learned from this and also I regretted doing that to him 😞 but I know guys these days don’t take women seriously unless they’re younger
I appreciate the honesty and the apology. I have had more than one date do this to me. So as a proxy for both of us and our experiences with this, I understand and accept your apology and wish you the best.
Just Dont.
They ran away because what they see may not be what we experience initially. All that glitters is not gold, the person did not want to take the chance and be wrong. Many have taken the chance and are no longer here.
Or could be someone that manipulates and makes others wait. You're right, sometimes trying to leave on a good note. Is not what truly is being communicated.
@@neogbfe3587 No one communicates anymore. It's a lost art.
This legit just happened to me with a guy. Lol. Agh. He told me guys “shelf” girls. They put you “away” before they screw it up so when they want to be serious about you, they hope you are where they left you. In the meantime, they pop in and out occasionally while they continue looking. But he “shelves” the good ones he sees himself with later on when he is ready to settle down.
wow. it getys crazier by the minute
omg that's a new label I've never heard of lol. Thanks for sharing.
I've heard thos same thing but I refuse to deal with guys like this. They orbit in and out and leave you hurt and thinking WTF?
And I hope those types of men who do that end up old and alone! Pigs.
@Mekah L I know...I think of it like online shopping... we girls can have things in our "cart" forever, but we KNOW eventually it will be gone. If we REALLY loved it and wanted it...we would've bought it when we had the chance! Some men haven't learned that lesson in life and are just fools!!! I wish on a grand scale more women would NOT put up with that shit and continue to take men back --- then maybe more men would get the message and straighten up!!!
The woman in this letter falls under the “fearful avoidant” attachment style. Learning about attachment styles has worked wonders for me.
Are you in a healthy relationship . I’m anxious attachment and attract avoidant or narcissist. Hence why years single
This is so true once they like you they leave.
It sounds to me like she did not fancy him, i have txt back and forth on line and liked them, met them and thought oh no not my type. Dating is minefield now.
But you will not give them closure if they want to exit out gracefully...will you not tell them politely that you don't feel any strong for them ....? Or you just be silent and want them to chase you more.....?
I agree, you never know about chemistry until you meet in person
@@ankurmohan4180 I just tell them i don't think he is for me. You really don't need to explain if you meet them on line and have one date and don't like them
@@gailcharlton3628 Yep so true
Karen H I agree, she probably just found it easier to use that excuse rather than upset him or admit she realised there was no real life chemistry.
Sometimes a person has everything you want. When you meet them in person you see there is no attraction, they don't look like their pictures, do quirky things like pick their teeth or talk nonstop, etc. There are tons of reasons people don't get together after a first meeting. One time a guy looked like an exact twin of my ex brother in law and it was such a turn off but he was a nice guy.
This is so true. When I was 20 I had THE perfect guy in love with me. A tall, good looking, kind, funny, generous, barrister (he’s now a judge) that graduated from Cambridge guy. I was so frightened I couldn’t match his perfection. I felt like a nothing and couldn’t understand what he saw in me. I pushed him away even though I REALLY liked him ( and not for being a barrister 🤩 but because he was genuinely so sweet and romantic). There’s a little part of me that regrets that now but we went our separate ways and he married someone else. Sometimes it’s definitely not that you weren’t right it’s that you were too right. PS when I told my mum years later she was soooo mad at me 😆😆😆
No one cares
Winter Tarzan Jagrup ok well thanks for letting me know.
yeah...I have a similar story :( :*(
💞I appreciate your story.
please never stop. you should be doing ted talks. you're so helpful and we need you.
I'll give it you, Susan. This is a great sermon. It's so unspoken and true because some people have problems and those problems can really destroy intimacy.
some people are avoidants once they feel they are feeling too much and thier walls are coming down is scary to them-they do not want to get hurt or trust so they leave first-this is how they self protect-sucks for both parties-this is why infatuation stage they can do once they begin to truely feel and things become real-they can not process it-it doesnt mean they r playing games-or they r bad people-
Your passion is contagious, Susan.
Excellent thank you. I love the manifesting qualifier at the end. I needed this at present. 🌺
I hate when someone dangles a carrot 🥕 then snatch it away from me.
You have such a calming aura about you :) I could listen to your advice for hours
I enjoyed the video. Thank you so much Susan ❤️
In her 40s and still that flighty?! Wow. She needs therapy. And the guy (John) needs to consider that he dodged a bullet. At the least, she needs to grow up, or at worst - she may have a mental disorder. Either way, forget it.
Disagree he knew very little about he but already labeled her as perfect. See the thing is she owed him nothing at that point. I had a man message me on tinder we talked two times, then the 3rd text was a question when I didn't reply within the first 24hr, he was like are you ghosting me, whats wrong, then again each days for three days after that. I thought it was wired because we had a short chat twice and he was already jumping down my throat. It scared me a little to be fair and I decided I didn't want to deal with a stranger that seemed mentally unstable. Hes final message was something about this is why he hates these apps.
Misogyny. Thinking and feeling women labeled as having mental disorders. It never changes.
@@whatrtheodds how about don't ghost people ...act too prestige and decide what you really want
Hi Susan. Your videos really help me a lot. Especially my broken heart.
ohhh. thank you!! wishing you well, Ana
I love this so much! I needed to hear this.
Spot on. I have had this as well. I tell myself, that they are not ready to be their authentic selves & bless them on their merry way, with gratitude.
Your advice feature Ms. Susan does make sense to me.. Thank you so much.. I recently have watched all your videos... And it's worth it advice. More power
You are absolutely wonderful and such an intelligent human Being... Thank you lady 🙏 for everything
This is amazing just when I need it for today it's so fits into my life right now
Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you Susan for your always useful advice. Much love from England.❤️🌞❤️
Thank you, Susan, I enjoy listening.
🦋🦉
THAT'S GREAT! A VIDEO DIRECTED AT SPECIFIC QUESTIONS FROM UR
CLIENTS!! THOSE WHO ARE IN A SIMILAR SITUTION CAN ALSO TUNE IN!!
THAT WAS GREAT ADVISE, FROM A VERY WISE LADY!!
🦋🦋🦉🦉🦉🦉🦅🦅🦅🦅
I discovered you're vidéos this year, very professionnel, logic, clear ,thank you very much for all ,,sorry my first language is french 😉
SPOT ON SISTER !!!! you have an uncanny common sense ....and it is helping others. We should all be so blessed
Thank you Ms.Susan Winter, you are already my coach my mentor in relationship.
Why do relationships,situationships,textationships,etc etc whatever these "things" we're in now days, have to be so weird and complicated?!
I love to hear you it gives me confidence and comfort
That's why some people, build relationships from little like or love for each other.
My name is Jon, and although not the same one, it was speaking directly to me.
Forgot to say,,we had several dates. Wow,,,you have said it all; you're always right on the mark!!!
Thsnk you!!
This is the pattern of mu dating life. The more they like me ,the faster they run. I've NEVER had someone leave because I cheated, or was abusive,etc. The bettet we got along, the faster they pulled away. Im now in my 50's and just gave up trying to meet someone. Its just not worth it anymore.
You always make me feel better
All so true! Sadly I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of immature fantasists out there, esp. online where communication is remote
I was in the process of evolving. I was losing a substantial amount of weight, muscle gaining , self development mentally, got a new job which was alot more rewarding. During this time I met someone unexpectedly. Completely connected, in areas both me and her didn’t expect. Despite me not looking for anything, soon after we started talking daily, meeting, I was rising up and Started believing I could take this person with me. Out of nowhere, she ran the opposite direction. I was completely confused, the chemistry we shared was undeniable. However, she did come from extremely abusive past relationships. I felt rejected in an odd level. Watching this video, it all makes sense now. You have no idea how much this has helped my piece of mind, thank you.
Your insights into app dating are fascinating
The most insightful video of my life of 29 years
This is so important!
It is possible for someone to tick " all the boxes" in some ways, but once you meet there is no real chemistry in person. I suspect although you were aligned in many ways and thought you were a perfect match.. maybe in theory yes but something turned her off.. or she just wasn't into him. Hasn't this happened to almost everyone here? "oh hes so great this and that .. and once you meet you come home, people ask how was it? You say meh.. and shrug your shoulders.
Yes, what we see on paper and in a photo can be vastly different than what resonates for us IRL
@@SusanWinter So many Amen's to that!
@@zenmaiden1 You are right dear.
Seems like most women I meet these days and connect with right away, have a great few months then boom gone once it’s gets serious. Learning about the avoidant personalities made me understand all this better and gave me closure but at the same time made me realize some things that I have done that I need to not change but work on and approach differently .. great video!! 👍🏻
Dating is so hard these days !
Stay in your comfy chairs! Even with fluffy friend! Better than the slightly stiffer, more posed setting. Just my 2c. Keep it up Susan, and thank you!
I can agree, when someone asked for my number it freaked me out. I was so use to being a unit of one who saw romance as a fantasy that when they started being friendly I felt like a deer in the headlights
Susan is brilliant. 💖🙏
Thank you , thank you, thank you, Susan!!
cause most ppl are not ready for what they want
I get it but honestly we are never perfectly ready... you just gotta take the leap and accept that at least you tried.
@@Ang.143 I totally agree
If they are not ready, take themselves offline until they are ready. Anything else wreaks havoc.
Texting a tonne and meeting in person are different things. Why do people keep texting non-stop? It kills attraction lol if I am attracted to a man very much, I usually need lotsa space to process everything, take time to date and watch him. I need atleast 5 months by then they either get bored or I do.
intuitive self-love are you an Aquarius by any chance? I know someone who is a hella lot like this...
@@caroh2809 I am a Libra lol I don't rush into relationships now. I wait and enjoy the process. I really need a lot of space to fall in love with him.
intuitive self-love this must be an air sign thing - he’s the same...🙄😉
@@caroh2809 does it bother you? We get attracted to people who show us independence and let's us miss them. From time to time you can reach out but let him do the mosy. If he is interested he will show up if not let him go.
intuitive self-love it was a long, distressing learning curve for me as a Scorpio who needs regular assurance but I’m tuned to it now. I am fine with it and just get on with my own stuff when he goes quiet on me because he actually comes back quicker if I go immediately silent too. But you air signs sure like your independence !!!!
Love your hair with the soft waves in it and you look gorgeous in aqua! ..it is "your" color.
Thank you! It's been hot and humid here so I get a few more curls.
@@SusanWinter OMG that is natural!!!!! I thought you had it done...Susan do you even know how fortunate you are? Your hair is so incredibly beautiful and you didn't even have to spend time in the salon or put the waves in yourself!
@@deplorabledixie2834 Jesus!
No, it's my color! 😄 But, she can wear that color too though. That's a great blouse. Aren't you the person over at EI's channel talking about me/to me today saying some off the wall things? I just happened to see this video and then I noticed that you're on here too. Very coincidental.
Maybe she is an avoidant. I dated this guy for 8 months then he said he wants to be on his own again. He still wants to do the same activities (no intimacy) and asks me to go to his family gatherings yet he seems terrified of a relationship. It was like overnight he switched off.
Do u know if he is a virgin? probably he is scared of intimacy and feel embarrassed to tell you.
The old saying,careful what you wish for, is so true.
That was good stuff!!!
Hey Susan, I have 2 questions:
- Is there any way to rebuild or reignite chemistry with someone that was once there and in great measure?
- There's much talk about how sharing some vulnerability with someone you like makes you authentic & trustworthy, and opens up your counterpart to do the same. How does one reveal their vulnerabilities but not insecurities in the process?
Thanks!
This is spot on. I've done this myself and been on the receiving end recently. Had a date(a night and a day) and we clicked on every level then he started to back off. I know he is/was really into me but felt overwhelmed. I've backed away completely now as I need someone who can communicate openly and is receptive.
Exactly that is the big picture here really. We will never know their exact reasons or feelings because they don't communicate
This happened to me and I asked him and he told me its because he cared too much that he backed away because that's "what he does" - not healthy people!!!
Lame excuse, I don't buy that. She knows what she wants and obviously looking for a relationship when she put herself out there. Unfortunately, she could be having psychological issues or the chemistry faded or she was disappointed when she met him in person. Rather than own up to the change of heart, she let him down easy than being upfront. Brutal honesty really hurts especially rejecting someone so don't say anything that you don't want the same being said to you. I think it's good to at least interact on video call to minimise this situation.
Thank you Susan ❤️❤️❤️
The player doesn’t want to lose contact with me. Why? I’m a 'problematic' one because i don’t let him control the situation. He can go and text other girls. So why he tries to stay in touch with me? Did i make him curious because i’m not that easy to control or he just likes to have a lot of place cards? I don’t text him until he initiates. I act like i don’t care if he texts me or not
He’s projecting on you his own issues. He backed away cuz he can’t control you. I’d say block cuz you deserve more than being used cuz he has a lack mentality!
I’m scared of hell of rejection and being hurt . Been there are not wanting it ever again . If I met a perfect guy even I would check him out . I’d not continue if I saw something early on that wasn’t for me . I’m pretty quick these days at my age picking up on what won’t be a match for me . Guy friends have told me a similar story to this , they often assume it’s fear ....sorry rarely is . ❤️❤️
Please talk about older people. I am 69 and he is 70. How do things change for us? It is so scary. I am a widow and he was his best friend.
Great videos. Can you do a video about BPD women ? If you haven't already done so.
Thanks Susan. This really cut to the heart of the matter for me. However, the idea of that future "rainbow" comes to mind. They lack that inner voice saying "here it is"... I'd bet there are other choices out there causing doubt...? That's usually the problem for me. I'm a finalist in a list of other possibilities. Always a groomsman, never the groom. So to speak.
You are amazing 💕💕
HI! 🦋
HAVEN'T SEEN U IN A LONG TIME! I'M JUST CURIOUS AS TO WHY IM GETTING A HEART ❤ FOR A COMMENT I WROTE QUITE A WHILE BACK!!???
That dress and color are so perfect for you! Lovely
Mind blown thank you
Truly
Exactly!!! Been there,,,experienced it with a guy who knew I was the total package. Unreal!!
Me too. Dated a guy for 8 months, who love bombed me( I didn't know what that was at the time but now I do... I definitely have been schooled!) I completely fell for it. I'm a successful educated beautiful woman and slowly he just became uninterested and didn't want it anymore ... his loss. To this day I still never knew why ...maybe he wanted someone to control... but he's 51 and never been married. My friends say that was a red flag..I don't know
Thank you 🙏🏽 ❤️
Very helpful..feel like as a female I identify with your analysis. I wasn't always this way, however, after a few of life bad relationship experiences, I sometimes struggle with trusting myself of what is being presented in front of me. 😔...sigh...
Met on a dating site? No chemistry can exist in digitalization.
Naomi Dessalines this makes total sense!!!
You'd be surprised lol
My ex and I had a magnificent relationship..but after a year I was thinking more. I gave up a job because it meant moving. I didn't want to lose what we had.
She freaked.
It became too real and ended it
Sounds like she wasn't ready for something serious...
@@Superman-xr1oh Agree. People shouldn't mess with people's hearts like that
@@craigmerrila7767 I'm so sorry. I'm still going through heartbreak a year and a half later, I feel your pain
hey mate, I had my ex gf text me after 15 yrs. At first I hoped she come back..but Susan is right...they don't. All I can do is remove her and move on with my life. I spent yrs thinking about her. She comes back but as a friend..I can't accept that and have moved on for good. Hard pill to swallow...time to focus on life and move forward. Good luck to you👍
What is the most profound thing you said… “Some people are comfortable with dreams that never manifest”…. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it for years…🙏
You don't date people because they tick boxes. You date them when there is a spark of attraction AND they tick some of the boxes. Talking on line for weeks creates a false sence if intimacy and connection that doesn't always stand up to the scrutiny of actual meeting in person. Perhaps this woman didn't actually fancy him and was spmewhat embarrassed by that in view of the illusionary " relationship" she found herself in prematurely. So she made an excuse not to hurt his feelings. One way or another they were not a match in real life
Facts well said !
You don't know that. Maybe she was afraid of falling in love, because she was hurt a lot before when she did, so she ran away, so classic...
Your hair looks very pretty.
SUSAN WINTER, You know when you'll retire from TH-cam? Never. We won't let ya. ;)
Side note: Wear that shade of blue more often; it becomes you.
Lovely color you're wearing, you always look and sound gorgeous
Susan I’m not convinced anymore in relationships!!!
The pain I just went through of being ghosted after 9 months!!! I don’t even go online anymore it’s total perversion sorry to say!
Bella I’m sorry you feel that way :(
I’m sorry you were ghosted . So was I . It feels terrible . I waited two weeks for a reply then I removed him from my Instagram . So painful when someone reads your message with no response . I guess no response is a response . Very hard when they have mentioned they were falling for you ect ect . Just even a .. I’m not into you anymore would be easier than ghosting
Gay, Single And Proud. He is going to have to come with flowers and the deed to a house before I even consider a date.
Bella, I‘m sorry that you had to go through this
this is what i was just thinking about why this happens appreciate the video
Love the, Shhhh
ahahah thanks
I love you Susan winter you are a beautiful lady
can you please tell us how does a healthy relationship looks like
Someone who is consistent & kind in behaviour!
Your never waiting for him to call. Your not wondering if you'll meet on the weekend. You KNOW. He calls or contacts you...everyday. Tuesday he's skew made plans for the weekend.
@@shelleysanders9666 Exactly!
🌸 everything is reciprocated. If you are only one initiating everything just walk away.
@@sunitafisher4758 AMEN. Relationships are 50/50
I recently did the same thing as she did. Everything was great until we met. I said I am scared from relationship.. How could you tell someone you didn’t like how he looks or dress. I know it sounds shallow but I want someone whom I can adore his look too..
Thank you Susan!
Yes, you were polite and left their ego intact.
If you're dating around enough, you'd know that this is a cycle. It happens to you, you do this to someone. I just think she was disappointed, got a different image of the guy and when it wasn't actually met in person, she stopped. It's hard not to take this personally though, makes us feel something's wrong with us. The truth though is, it's only 1 date, take a quick break and go back and try again.
Great advice Thankyou ramir
A woman in her 40's is looking for a "real" relationship and walks away from the "perfect" man that is shown on paper. They meet for one date and she never returns. I would venture to say that this was a polite good-by. John's perception is skewed to the point of blindness. I'm not trying to be rude but John had already placed this woman on a pedestal before he met her and if she was pleasing to the eye when they met in person he was seeing her through "love goggles". "love is blind" is a true chemical reaction that is there for procreation. Humans are evolved animals, and with any type of relationship experiences, especially in our 40's we should understand that by then.
I think you're being a little too harsh.
A polite goodbye is also what I got from this.