I feel lucky to have a dad who is introspective and willing to push back against an auto-pilot way of going through life. This matters infinitely more to me than how many friends you've got. Also, looking good in that shirt!!
I was literally just imagining how I hope to build a family like your guy's one day; you just all seem so genuine and loving toward each other and who you are uniquely as individuals. 🫶🏻
I never had a friend, I had good acquaintances, and buddies since childhood! A lot of them portrayed themselves as my friends! Now I know the answer, a friend is what you said and much more! I like to go out, rarely and very selective with people for short pleasant moments! My close family are my friends and it is meaningful, deep, and free of disappointments!
I’ve never been a person to have friends. I used to feel bad about it when I was a young girl, but as I got older I realized I wasn’t much interested in hanging out with people. It takes work and time to maintain relationships most that aren’t worth the investment. Some people in my life have told me I need to make friends and I’ve told them I’m just not interested. I am not married. I am single. So for those who claim that I’ll feel differently when my spouse dies, well that doesn’t apply to me since there is no spouse. I’m single and a dog mom and animal lover. I’m at peace and very content ❤
I can relate. I prefer the company of my own dogs, and anyone else's dogs, too, to most people. It seems blindingly obvious to me why so many people feel as I do as well. 🤣 I could live a perfectly satisfying life without [non-family] humans, but, I wouldn't last a week without the companionship of animals. 🤷
@rattlecat5968 meeeeee tooooo, I have 4 dogs and am happy, not gonna lie I do wish I had a good Godly friend, but 90 percent happy not to deal w people who are fake
If you "fall" who will help pick you up? Eccl 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to help him up! 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
@@lizabetx483 I have yet to have met another person that is as reliable, loyal, sincere or devoted as a dog. My dogs would give their lives to protect me, and one has already been put to the test. No man has ever been as devoted. Fact.
My husband and I have had some very interesting changes throughout our life which have brought us to today. We just retired and have been planning a move to Spain for last two years. Little by little we have been loosing friends by our non desire to settle to a mediocre life. Our spiritual walk has changed us to want more meaning in all the facets of life. We are friendless in many ways by choice. We agree with you in seeking more than just a conversation, we want to connect. Thank you for sharing this video and posting it. ❤
I agree with you 100%. I’m 59-years-old, and don’t have any friends…by choice. I don’t like superficial relationships and meaningless chit chat that most people engage in. I’m very much an introvert and I really enjoy my own company so much.
Friends are like taking a train ride for your life's journey. Some people get on and sit with you for a while and some gets off. Good or bad, you learned from them and you are grateful. I am in my sixties now, Time is more precious now. So I only make efforts with my long time friends and friends that I feel a connection to. The best way to deal with friendships is NOT to have any expectations. Do not put your own rules on others. Those of whom are meant to be in your life, they will stay with you till the end.
This is such a good way to look at friends. I always used to get upset when suddenly we no longer had a relationship with someone I thought we were really close to. Efforts to get together didn't happen and then I gave up. I guess we just didn't click anymore.
I hope he takes your advice because it's good advice. He sounds like a high maintenance kind of "friend". Friends should not impose expectations upon each other. He seems to be only thinking of himself. As people get older (and he is no young man) we must accept the limitations that come with age. People have their own priorities to sustain and maintain their own lives. Only a selfish person would impose their expectations.
I love your analogy of a train ride and the statement of no expectations. I find the long-term friendships are ones I formed when I was young, many have come and gone since then (in 60's now). I live far away from where I grew up and may go literally years without seeing people. When we do meet up for a visit when I am home it is generally like I never left. Being content with yourself is important also.
I myself don’t have many friends I just find that people are constantly busy. I’d like friends, who are spontaneous, adventurous, and most importantly genuine. Nowadays that’s hard to find. I don’t agree that friendship should always be deep, Sometimes it’s just nice to have friends who are fun too otherwise it will become like therapy sessions instead of a friendship
I needed to hear this thanks! I think I get impatient and push for deep too quickly, and then assume we aren’t meant to be friends. But you’re right, therapy isn’t friendship. Not sure where this impatience comes from. I don’t think society used to expect so much from friendships in the past.
@@RhymeandRamblingsaww thanks for your comment. You are very welcome. To me, the most important thing in a friendship is honesty, and being a genuine person. It’s good to have a balance and find a friend who is both adventurous, but also one they can have deep conversations too. I am both of those things but find it hard to connect with the few that I have bec ppl are just so busy nowadays
I agree. I see how he may not need that at this time in his life with so many moving parts and various forms of stimulation. But I do think it is good to have silly friends that you don’t have to go deep with. I have one or two of both fun and deep friends. Sometimes hanging out with the deep friends is too exhausting and I just wanna go watch a movie or go dancing. Just like anything, balance in life is important.
I think your needs may be based on your personality as well. One of my adult children is spontaneous and adventurous. Her brother is vastly different in personality and style. What they need in friendship is thus different. Personally I've no desire for spontaneous and fun friends. The mere thought is exhausting. I understand my reasons have everything to do with my personality type, thus my personal needs. Neither type is "right" or " wrong", rather it's what works for each individual.
I appreciate this. I used to have many friends who would share their lives with me. I would be there for them at their beck and call. Then I got sick, and no one checked in on me..... they all fell away. Everyone whom I thought I was close to. Now, I choose to have no friends because it's a waste of my time. I now spend my days reading, doing my art, sleeping in and staying up late. Spending time with my dog who loves me as I am. Life is good and I am free.
@@ladybooksmith3347@ ladybooksmith3347 that may have some bearing, but also I did most of the work in the friendships. I have chosen, through the years to stay more withdrawn and I don't have any people I hang out with other than my spouse and kids. My kids live quite a distance away so there is no pressure on them to hang out with me. Also, my husband is very social and I'm glad he has found his tribe outside of us. Thanks for your comment. :0
In my opinion, it's not difficult at 57 to not have friends, especially if you have a spouse and children and many personal interests/hobbies. But to be 6, 16, 26 without friends is a whole different story; connecting with others, building relationships, being liked, being a friend to another teaches us so much. My heart breaks for people who go through life without having had a friend(s).
True. My 15 y/o daughter has had a hard time making friends and it breaks my heart. At that age, you do need friends as he pointed out in the video. And having a spouse and children who share your interests is huge. My current husband shares almost all my interests, so I don't feel the need to seek out friendships, but my first husband did not, and we often spent time doing things with other people.
I was a seaman for 12 years in both the merchant marine and the submarine service in the navy, and I was always convinced that the main reason men, or more lately now people, elect to ship out like that is because it provides a social life of sorts with drinking buddies built in. After all, lots of seamen are orphans.
@@ClaireMitchell-n6y My first husband passed away from cancer after we were together for 10 years. I can't honestly say if it ultimately would have or not, but at the time I didn't see it as much of an issue, just an adjustment.
You're right, having had friends earlier in life but choosing to be friendless when older is very different to never having had any friends. I had plenty of friends when younger. Now at 47 only a couple of close ones. I enjoy their company, and prefer having them over not having them, but the (harsh? sad?) truth is I'd hardly be crushed if I never saw them again.
Thats well said. I once knew someone who I really enjoyed talking with, enjoying playful laughter filled conversations, and then, they became distant and unreachable. At first, I could have been offended, but I realized that they are introverted and loner - like. I'm the same, so it was no biggy.
Exactly, when you have created a tribe and nucleus of close relationships, it’s easy to exist. Humans are designed for connection. He has that. Without that you cannot navigate or tether yourself. It’s like isolation and people don’t survive isolation.
@@tiab4697 People do survive isolation, but it can be difficult as you have to learn how to befriend yourself... most people don't know how to do that, so then look to outside sources for validation and comfort. Sometimes periods of isolation are necessary, but finding balance (as with all things) between being with people and having time for yourself is optimum.
@@loujon191It’s not that the anxiety disappears, it comes from different places. As a young person, you often have “FOMO” or fear of missing out. Your life revolves around more shallow insecurities such as how many friends you have or how cool you are. Once you are older, you begin to see the important things in life. Your anxiety now comes from finances, raising a family, etc. you have much more responsibilities. It’s nearly impossible not to have some stress. It’s a natural survival instinct.
Absolutely brilliant! You’ve wonderfully articulated my thoughts on the subject completely. I used to think I was lacking in some important emotional component. Not the case anymore. You’ve confirmed that I’m not alone in this thinking. I’ve never heard anyone talk about such a sensitive subject with such clarity and brevity. Thank you.
Thanks so much for this wonderful video. I grew up in a family of 12 kids. I hated it! I "tried" to be married when I was 30. It lasted 3.5 years. At 56.5 years old, in October 2014, I quit my job, sold & gave away all my stuff & embarked on a life of full time travel. The friends who kicked up the most fuss about me leaving (my dance friends) have virtually all faded into the background of my life. I go back to Canada almost every summer to volunteer for a music festival, visit with friends, eat my favorite foods and, stock up on clothes that fit my body type. These past 10 years have been the happiest of my life. I don't have friends that want to travel full time so, we catch up when we can. Travel has taught me to let go of the place that I am leaving, in favor of the place that I am heading to. If I love a place, I can always go back. If my friends are available when I go back to Canada, we get together. If not, there is always someone new that thinks my life is interesting and wants to get to know me better. It's a different dynamic every time I go back. The biggest lesson I have learned from life & my travels is that attachment really is the source of all suffering... Namaste.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s inspiring to hear how you’ve created a life that brings you happiness and freedom. I love your perspective on attachment and how travel has shaped your relationships. It’s a beautiful reminder to stay open to life’s changes. Wishing you many more amazing experiences! :)
Have you considered how different your life may be or would be in the absence of a partner, living truly alone? It’s then when friendships become more important as a means of connection. As we age, having friends is important for our mental health & emotional well-being.
I have had a PARTNER for 42 years and I feel more lonely than ever. He hates aging and everything that comes with it. Feels sorry for himself 24/7. Doesn’t want to talk to me anymore BECAUSE WE SAID IT ALL. I would go crazy without my tiny circle of friends. They give me a sense of still being alive! The only time he shows some emotion is when I mention DIVORCE. I have tried to get him help but the vicious cycle continues 😢
My adult son and I agree that there's rarely a "friend" in life that is a deep relationship. For me, I see people come into my life for a reason, and then leave again. I think about them once in a while then remember that that season is over. I have no desire for a friend. I live alone and love it. I'm often called "strange" or weird" but it doesn't matter to me. In fact I like being weird if that's what I am, because I'm happy. Also, I enjoy meeting strangers knowing that most likely we will never meet again. There's a poignancy to that, a joy, and for me, that's meaning. I appreciate you and your videos. Thank you for sharing your honest realities and some of your inner truths. That's more than most would or can do. I send you blessings, from Italy.
Anche io strana e solitaria come te!!!in realtà io trovo strani gli altri adulti che conosco:invidiosi,attenti a compararsi con gli altri,formali,rigidi,vecchi e noiosi.Preferisco avere a che fare con i miei studenti:teenagers curiosi,spontanei e attivi!Ciao from Sicily
I have a few friends, but they are all 60 and up with families and lives. I am 35 for context so it's pretty abnormal. I stopped associating with people my age about 10 years ago. I was tired of feeling taken advantage of in my relationships. Or like I wasn't cool enough to hang with. I really think now many of them were deeply insecure and probably a little jealous of me. Don't have that issue with older ones.
I feel EXACTLY the same way now. I’m 64 and have done a lot of inner work and exploration. Through that, I’m much wiser and as you say, much pickier. My husband is also my best friend. I am very grateful for that. 🌿
But when you lose your husband then what? I habe been a widow for six years now and it feels as if he were gone yesterday “my best friend”. We moved to another country in the tropics and now I am too old to go back to live where we used to live in the cold of northern Germany. My old friends in Germany whom I had for over fifty years are all dying one after the other are too old to go out much. I fly over to visit once a year but do not expect much of them and that is OK. I have made a few acquaintances here where I live but I don’t socialise much. I have learned to live alone and find my company good. What I do miss is the culture I enjoyed in Germany. Concerts, art exhibitions, theatre etc. so when I go on my visits to Germany I go to these places alone. I am now 78 but still healthy and able bodied and my mind is still clear and sound! I do not search for another partner as no one can replace the love of my life.
@@corrieboomgaard9205 I can relate to this... I miss sharing concerts, Art, and activities... Sure I can go alone and often I don't mind, but the people I used to connect with are gone and it's difficult to start over with a stranger at my age... I admit I am jaded... even after a lot of begging. I still did NOT attend my 50th high school reunion... as I told one girl who was bugging me to attend, after NOT hearing from anyone since the 20 year reunion why would I go to the 50th?? I am sorry your husband is not there to share with you anymore... I love Germany too, but I would not want to live there in Winter at this point. Thanks for sharing!
Living alone, contact with fellow human beings lifts my spirit and makes me smile. People I consider as friends need not be phylosophical partners to be appreciated, I'm happy with the odd cup of coffee and a chat. I guess I don't demand much and it helps that I am an introvert but we all need people as no man is an island.
Totally agree after I retired I took a long hard look at my friends and discovered how toxic some of them are and outside of the job, we had nothing in common. Love your videos and your new home
Men usually bond through a mission. It can be hard to maintain a friendship outside of shared goals or challenges you can work through and accomplish together.
This video has given me permission to be ok with my choice of alone time. I don't have connections with any of my past friendships. As we left childhood, we disconnected with no looking back. At 57, I'm at a great place to grow and not settle on any relationship just to not look lonely or sad. I agree with your definition of relationships. It has to have depth and be intentional. Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone and more in charge of my life.
I’ve lost my closest friends due to jealousy and politics. I realized after the fact that I was putting in all the effort to sustain those relationships.
You speak my mind 100%. For the 1st time in ages I'm not self employed and I'm working in retail. I come home socially EXHAUSTED. The mindless chit-chat drains me. I'm 57 years old and have two good friends - and my lovely adult son. It's enough. I don't have time for what doesn't inspire me.
I agree with you completely. I used to think that I should have many friends (I thought there was something wrong with me if I didn't have them). But over time I stopped thinking like that. People change, people come and go (that's life). Those who are meant to stay in our lives will stay.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m 69 years young and have just experienced a tremendous loss. My husband of 44 years has passed recently due to an illness. We were perfectly happy with our life and small family. Yes I am alone now but I will be fine. The few people I have talked with are very quick to tell me how to grieve and what I need to be doing. Surround yourself with people. Why. It’s not what we were doing before. I am content with myself. I’m very selective of who I bring into my life. Great video 😊❤ Deborah
I am very similar to how you described yourself. However, after having lived like this for the last 7 years (I am 30), I am now making an effort in hanging out with people even if they are different to me. Not excessively, not without boundaries, but I find it stimulating and it helps me not to stay in my own bubble too much and also shows me what areas I can improve in.
Gawd! I agree so much! If you are a deep thinker and an explorer finding others like you is extraordinarily difficult. So tired of meeting people who believe that depth is discussing who is on Dancing with the Stars! I will be moving out of the US soon and I'm really hoping that it's easier to find people who are deeper. Emotions, the process is the flavor that makes life worthwile.
@@BeneaththeSurfaceYTYa know what would be lovely? Having friends to just hang with... but that doesn't mean talking unless you have something to talk about. Sometimes just hanging with people and not saying anything is as rewarding as hanging with people and conversating.
Good comment. You’ll notice good comments usually aren’t just a couple of words with a stupid emoji. The problem is that two/thirds of the population are imbeciles essentially. But that still leaves a good number of interesting people.
I have gone through a season of not having friends due to being busy with raising children, work, housework etc and I have been fulfilled with inner work and a wonderful relationship with my husband but I think that season is coming to an end and I hope it is also just a season for you. It's not just about what friends offer you but what you can offer them. All people need support at times and if you have time then you can give some. All people have a universe inside them just like you! And I have learnt so much from 'Shallow' people about cooking, or wise ways to spend money or nice ways to spend time or what it's like to raise a puppy.... I mean endless things. People are fascinating and everyone has depths to share if you are interested about them and their life. You can learn things from everyone! There are times to go inwards and times to reach outwards. I think the world and its people are very important to the inner journey.
Yours is a good lesson for this TH-camr. I personally don't think placing expectations on people makes for a lasting friendship. A good friend to me is one who is not too requiring.
I'm 35 and already experiencing a lot less friendships in life due previous bad experiences and not much value in old friendships. It was a huge hit for me as since being bullied as a kid and not having a strong relationship with my father I was always searching for acceptance in the crowd, never truly accepting myself and what I want and value in return. I have recently started my first steps in therapy with CBT and I can honestly say that the amount of peace that it brought to my life is more valuable to me then having people around just to have them around. I focus on working on myself to be a better human to myself and others and on people around that bring value to my life and share theirs without fear. Thank you for sharing your stories with us!
Very good video! I think I would be happier if I had 2 things: #1, A dog, and #2, A small circle of humorous and intelligent friends to meet with once a week to enjoy an excellent cup of coffee and some nice conversation.
Gracias! I learnt a phrase recently: ”Eagles don’t flock” I’ve been thinking a lot about, no many want to go deep into themselves or they are curious, I wish I coul exchange what I discover everyday with someone as curious and excited, I always need to go back home to recharge from being with people, I feel like problably nobody is going to ever know my idiosincracies but it’s ok, thank you i thought I was missing the point, I used to get so dissapointed with people’s erratic behavior and no reciprocity that i just stopped doing the effort to reach to people that don’t care about me, or to pretend I like small talk or meaninless encounters, life is so short, no wasting
It takes many hours of contact to create a friendship, that seems nearly impossible to do when you are moving around the globe. It seems many travel youtubers struggle to maintain friendships due to this very reason. I disagree that friendships are not important. When we grow and change it is difficult to maintain old friendships that you've out grown but it's the new friendships that will support continued growth. It's hard work to be sure, being vulnerable and putting yourself out there...but the alternative is having no one outside of your family except a paid therapist :/
Hello! I agree with you. I have always struggled making friends, and when I got married and raised a family it was not a priority. But I have been self analyzing and I was sad that I was missing out on great friendships, I had them and I remember it being really happy moments. I say all that to say I am making an effort to make friends with good people not perfect but have similar interests and enjoy a good brunch.
Have you ever moved to another country? This is my first encounter with this channel but this guy doesn't strike me as a traveling TH-camr. 😊 If you move to a different country, there will be people who instantly want your home to become their place to stay for vacations. I have a friend, or acquaintance, back in the States, who once wrote to me that I should not feel guilty when someone treated me to a coffee if I wasn't flush at the time. She wrote that my presence, my companionship, brought value too. I was so grateful for that. This friend slowly faded to the obligatory Christmas message, usually wonderful animated digital cards. She started going on cruises and when she ended up at a port close to me, I spent the money on the train to go over and meet her. She knew and could see that I was struggling financially but didn't offer to pay for even a mere coffee for me. I remembered what she had written to me in the past. I've discovered that there are many people who will be there when you're doing well and even may seem glamorous to them but who will drop away at the slightest hint of things not going so well for you or if you becoming unable to jump up and be there for them at their beck and call like you used to.
Mmmmh , I wouldn’t engage in deep sharing / complex feelings with a stranger . You sound like you are being quite lazy about putting in some effort to build a friendship. Sure lots fail ,but too much alone time ,is a path to smug narcissism…..you can actually learn things from others . “ As long as you get what you need “ telling phrase .
@@karinaohara3401Were you addressing someone in particular in your comment? Forgive me I'm a little lost by what you mean...did you mean to place this comment somewhere else?
@@I-talk-about-tough-topicsI haven't moved to another country but I have experience big moves with major culture shock. Where I live now, the culture was so different from what I was used to and the locals were so closed off I ended up having a terrible time adjusting. Then the pandemic 😂 It took me years to build something here! It's taken a lot of effort, so many attempts and failures. I found myself in a place where I told myself, I don't any friends, I'm good but the truth is I just felt like giving up because I had had so many disappointments. One day it struck me that my only social interactions were paid....my therapist, my trainer, my doctor, chiropractor...They all kind of had to like me and that thought made me so depressed. I knew I couldn't give up. For me I realized that I wasn't showing up as myself because I felt like such an alien in the environment, I learned to conceal myself a little to fit in. Once I stopped doing that, trying to fit myself to the world around me, and really put myself out there as I am I finally made traction! I have one best friend and many other acquaintances and light friendships I'm developing. It takes time and perseverance, just like building muscles in the gym, you have to be consistent!
Everything you said perfectly resonates with my views on friendship. It was refreshing to hear another soul articulate exactly what I feel about this topic. Thank you.
Speaking only for myself, this is your best video ever! Not to mention how heartwarming it was, reading the comments, that SO many people could identify with you…having no friends. Thank You 🙏🏻 Blessings from Canada 🇨🇦
WOW! It's like I just had a monologue looking in the mirror. Absolutely relate to EVERYTHING in this video. I am 52 and I am very happily married. Between the two of us we have two adult daughters living their lives quite far away from ours (we see each of them about three times a year). My husband and I have been nomading for the last 14 years and so my friendships have worn out due to lack of maintenance. And when I tried to keep exchanging letters, none could reciprocate in any meaningful way. I realized that I am only making them feel inadequate with my letters full of thoughts, ideas, impressions, etc. I even began to suspect that my travels and my overall freedom is irritating to many. For a long time I felt like I needed a friend. I still wish to meet a person that would match my interests. But mostly I am fine without a friend. And the weirdest thing is I am hardly ever lonely and I am never bored.
Haha, love that you related so well to what I had to say. And look, shedding people in your life is not a bad thing. If they were not a good fit for you, then you don’t need them. Wishing you all the best!
Anya, I to enjoy writing and receiving the kind of letters you described. I think it’s a art form, either one is drawn to it or not. I enjoy hearing about someone else’s travels and daily experiences. I’ll definitely sit for a slideshow! For example, As a young girl reading my grandmother’s letters. She always wrote wonderful long stories describing foods that she served or was served at an event in great detail. My family always laughed at asking me what she had for lunch the second I started reading her letter. Then I learned in my adulthood that she grew up with very little food. Made sense why she’d be describing the abundance of food in her married life. It’s nice to know a fellow letter writer!
Just in the past few days I have been wrestling with letting go of a friend who was wonderful in the past, but those years are long gone and they never reach out anymore. They don't even have the decency to reply to text messages. This is insufficient for my needs so I have to face the realities that the relationship is gone. It has been gone for awhile and I am only now realizing it on my own... only now accepting that possibility as the truth. It is validating to hear others who have these kinds of experiences. It is difficult to accept the impermanence of friendships, but all of life is ephemeral, and to have expectations to the contrary leads to suffering. Thank you for the video - and thank you everyone for your comments. There is a lot of wisdom assembled here.
I'm the one that don't answer or text to "friends". I have my own theory. In my case, I'm agoraphobic, and suffer from anxiety. So it is hard, really hard to have contact with others. Another thing is that, those friends never been too closed to me and where jealous of my life, my achievements, and everything, so I was done. I understand is frustrating, and what your friend did probably is wrong. I agree with you. I felt bad, I did the same to my friend, but actually she and others where really mean to me. I'm sure you will find people with whom you can share your own values. And you'll never know, may be is the perfect time to be your best friend, while you find the right ones.
That resonates to me so much. No friends, very close relationship with my family though, interesting work, collegues and clients. tons of socal interaction. But I noticed I am getting tired of this. No need in parties, reunions. I am terified of them actually. I would rather spend time reading my favorite books or walking in a park, listening to my favorite music. I thought there is something wrong with me. Thank you for reassuring 🙂
What you’ve described has been my entire life. It was hard to accept as a teenager or young adult. Because society tells us we need as many friends as we can collect. It just never happened for me. I used to get my feelings hurt watching other women make connections and be “besties” but in my 40’s I can now appreciate where my life is and the very few connections that I actually have. Thank you for speaking honestly and allowing complete strangers to feel normal and affirmed! Because sometimes hearing somebody else speak out loud your life experience makes you feel good.
Teenabeena4: I was in my 40's when after working hard to develop what I thought were friendships at work, I came through a back entrance to the office to hear my name and listened to a bunch of gossip about me... I casually entered and said, " you can say anything to my face" No need to talk behind my back... THEY gasped!! it was a turning point for me, I realized how shallow people can be... A True friend doesn't gossip about you, but are there for you when you are either Up or Down! I have enjoyed a handful of true friends... but they are not easy to come by... I like my own company the BEST! :)
I completely relate to your friend requirements. When I was younger I used to think that people who just engaged in small talk were going to eventually get over it, and become more open and deep as I got to know them. After a while I had to accept that most people just weren’t interested in diving deep the way I was. This acceptance made my deep diving friends more precious to me. I still love making new friends, they add to the richness of my life, and these days I don’t waste time with those who live life on the surface because I know they’re not my tribe.
I so agree. I’ve spent the last several years pruning my friendship tree, getting clarity about the type of relationships I want, and being discerning. I have a very small circle that I’m carefully cultivating. It irritates me that so much emphasis is given from the medical community as to the health benefits of friends. The wrong people cause stress, anger, and irritation which is terrible for our wellbeing. The right people bring joy. Thanks for giving voice to the process I’ve been living. As always the best to you and your lovely family.
Because people are literally dying of loneliness. It can create depression and life expectancy Most people need social contacts. Nobody is saying you personally do or that people should go and find bad friendships but abstaining from having friends is not the solution for people. That is the reason why psychologists put so much emphasis on it
I agree to a certain extent. I used to have a lot of "friends", but since I moved to Europe almost 14 years ago, very few people stayed friends. And I've barely made a new "friend" since coming here. As I get older, and especially now that I have a kid, I realize my "social life" gravitates around his socials, and this will change every time he changes school. People here in Germany don't invest in friendships with "strangers" and I feel like I just accepted this fact and stopped trying. Get-togethers are extremely superficial, time consuming and get boring very easily, and I was the one always really interested in people. I think I just need to move on and play the game as it goes.
My husband and I talk about this often. We don’t feel the need for friends. We are each other’s best friends and love spending our time together. Friends just don’t fit into this stage in our life. Society makes us feel like we are missing out by not having friends and it’s nice to see that we are in good company.
In the same boat myself, but relying totally on one person in your life, will eventually come to an end, either for yourself or your partner. What then?
@@dlyras It is the nature of the ego mind, depending how high you are on the spectrum, to only care for itself, and trust me we are all on the spectrum to some degree. So the chances of anyone truly caring about you are slim, unless there is something in it for themselves, they are mostly pre occupied with self. Is isolating yourself removing yourself from the game, you don’t want to engage, in case you are caught out. The cost of not playing the game can be complete isolation in later years of life,I have witnessed many older people in this position and they were not happy, apart from what medical science states, that isolation and loneliness can bring about. Couple that with accidents at home or medical issues and no one to turn to. I’am not trying to say anyone is wrong, but there are consequences.
Couldn't agree more at age 47. I want more than shallow relationships and I want to be around people who challenge me to grow and experience life to the fullest. Thanks for this.
@@dianegriffith3006 Also, I'm currently traveling full time and working remote in my Airstream. I've figured out that if you want your life to be interesting, you have to do something interesting 😊
"No one owes me a God damn thing" Wow, SO true!! We tend to think that because we give a lot to other friends, because we care about their inner experiences, we deserve the same thing or even a lot back... so eye-opening. I'm 43 and I'm the same opinion as you... my best friend is my husband, and I'm learning to emotionally detach from people that do not deserve my energy, my time, my attention. But it is so hard to do so! Amazing, Josh, how nice it is to feel that someone gets how we sometimes feel.
So good to watch your videos. Thank you, you made me feel I'm not unique. I'm a 69 woman living alone in Florida, it's been a rude awakening to realize that after 5 years, i haven't made any friends, only acquaintances. You are blessed to have a partner so smart like Cecilia with great qualities, and your 2 boys that are on the same same path of personal growth and Self discovery as you are. As for me i keep doing the things that interest me, thank God i still have 60 year old friendships, my women friends that been with me thru thick and thin and that is a blessing.
I'm 67 and in the same boat. Making good friends at our age is tough! I've never had to work at it before, friendships just happened organically. It doesn't help that I live in a retirement community where most people are married and they tend to socialize with other couples. After living here for 2 years, I have a few acquaintances but no real friends. Sigh.
Isn’t that just the thing? I’m 78 and live in a senior housing. It can be isolating when what I’m seeing are those that are not metaphysically or higher learning involved. Makes me sad. 😞
I'm having a very similar experience. I have always had TONS of friends over my lifetime, and I am so thankful and grateful for everything we shared and that they brought into my life. As I age, I will be 56 next week, the numbers have truly whittled down to only my oldest and deepest relationships. Like you, I feel that I don't have tolerance for people who cause me stress or do not share my life view. I'm not angry with them or even disappointed, I just don't have the energy to spend on them or on relationships that don't add much more than they require. I am suddenly alone often. I'm divorced and have grown children whom I love and speak with and see often but in general I am home alone or out and about alone, and I am OK with that. There is a peace and tranquility in being with oneself. I am not opposed to friends, and I will gladly fold them into my life if they bring with them what I want and need. :) Thank you for this insightful video. I really appreciate and look forward to your content.
I’m 65 - a few good friends but not in each others pockets. We self ‘isolated’ during ‘Covid’ but mainly due to differing views to the narrative. Perfectly happy
At age 69, I find I have very little need for friends. My husband is my best friend and soul mate. I am very content to live my life my way. I actually refer to it as "freedom." I am also an introvert who has always enjoyed my own company best. As an introvert, my social bettery drains pretty quickly. I'm bored with small talk, but I would love deeper conversations, which few people want to engage in, it seems. I don't have the energy or care as much to try to reach out to others as when I was younger. I understand your message in this video.
One hundred percent I agree with you . I have learned so much , choosing to be by myself . I enjoy my own company . Have a great man / beautiful soul as my husband , 2 wonderful children and 2 small grandchildren . I enjoy their company because I know them inside and out and they are uplifting . I really do enjoy my own company . Doing stuff that I enjoy and want to improve . Learning new crafts ,reading books ,…..Most of my friends are familiar faces . Never could rely on them for anything . Come to think back , they were users . Waste of my time , energy , generosity and kindness . Cherish your own inner circle . Have a blessed time . Love your channel btw .
My husband is my only friend! Like you I haven't had a desire to search for friends or seek their company for a very long time. I love my life and wouldn't want to live it any other way.
I'm in my mid forties and have been on such a self discovery over the last 3 years that I've found I've moved on from a lot of "friends", that turned out to be just drinking buddies, or my kids parents that I had to engage with because our kids are friends. I still have two close friends that I talk too and have a meaningful conversations with but I'm ok with enjoying life without having a massive network of people that don't inspire me or I feel inspired to keep connected too. Thanks for sharing.
I recently distanced myself from a friend who started to vex my soul when I discovered that she, who is 50-something, only wanted to party. But I do need friends, but like you, those friendships must have depth and feed me. Admittedly, I was pleasantly surprised to hear a man say these things, like he likes to talk feelings and emotions. Your wife is blessed to have you.
I had 2 "friends" since high school. In my 30's I matured and realized they were major GOSSIPERS. I understood that if they were telling me all of their friends personal business: then they were telling my personal business to their friends. 1 friend sent me a text by mistake telling her husband that if he keeps cheating on her he can just stay with the other girl. I responded and she said it was a joke she sent him. I knew right then she was hiding her personal life from me and there she has never told me anything about her personal life.
I too was self-employed for 20+ years and exposed to only a few people. Today I‘m 58 and okay with life as it is. I prefer pets over a lot of people, lol. I‘ve done the work in therapy, 8 years from 2005-2013. my wife has a few long-standing friendships, but they also never call except on birthdays which frustrates her.
Thank you for this video. I have always struggled to make friends, and have often felt that others are far too “surface” for my taste. I have a small group of friends now who I can discuss real life with and I’m grateful for them. Please keep making these difficult videos, your voice and perspective are so refreshing and validating for how I want to live my life ❤
I have friends, but they are few. One of these friends told me that spending time alone is good and in that time you have to learn to be your own best friend.
I love emotional depth as much as the next person, but being friends with someone that ONLY wants that in a "Friendship" would be exhausting. Sometimes, I just want to sit with a drink, a good old friend, watch the sunset and laugh at our latest wrinkles. We don't always need to solve the worlds problems, or each others, there's beauty in the stillness of a good friend too. But in fairness to Josh, I only have a few really good friends left at this stage in my life. Most people flitted in and out of my life, not wanting to put in the work it requires to maintain the friendship. Or took more then they gave. But that's ok, I valued them for the time we spent, and the good conversations we had, and have no hard feelings that they are not in my life any more. The ones that I have left, I've known since childhood, I like to say, "They knew me when, but love me still."
I am so on board with this; the internal work, the depth of relationships, and the meeting of the minds. I have my dog Mindy and am vital and thriving without friends. These are my true boundaries of caring. Keep sharing. 🎉
Definition of a friend: someone you can confide in, who you know will listen, not judge, will understand and wants your well-being. One that remains through different stages of life. One that is honest in sharing what they see in you. One that encourages you. Thank you for your topic :)
I just lost my dearest friend (Joe) in September 7, 2024. I must say he was my only real friend since moving to the Nature Coast (in Florida) 12 years ago. What you say about friendship resonates with me. Listening to the other person, asking questions, learning from each other, and laughing at life's absurdities. True friends enrich our lives. I turn sixty-four in December, and I have lost several dear friends over the past few years. Now I have no more friends, just acquaintances. As a loner, I felt so lucky to meet and connect with a quality person like Joe. He was a star athlete in school, an engineer. a mechanical whiz, and a loving husband and father. I shall miss his wonderful wit and sense of humor, his love of nature, his kindness and compassion, and his extraordinary intelligence. Anyway, thanks for this thought-provoking video, Josh. You do go beneath the surface. Usted es una persona de pensamiento profundo.
Your video really resonated with my husband and I. He's 60 and I'm 54 and we have zero friends. We have tried over the years and have made many so-called "friends," but the relationships are always so draining and unfulfilling. We are wired the same way you are....we need depth, introspection, curiosity, and flexibility of ideas and opinions as new information arises. We have found it nearly impossible to meet people that feel this way, and I would add that because our relationship with each other does fulfill us in this way, we do not desire to seek out relationships with others that always end up being subpar.
Like you not long ago i reconnected with an old friend, they said that they would keep in touch but disappeared yet again so i went through another grieving period 😢 not going through this again. Thanks for your brave and insightful video.
You have spoken my truth, too. The problem I now face at 75 is that I have outlived all my close family members, even my son, and lost most of my friends in the pandemic, so I no longer have someone close and capable to look after my welfare. Living in the U.S., I have spent well over three hundred thousand dollars paying out of pocket for medical services and supplies and non-insurance-covered medications and in-home-support services (I have multiple disabilities, despite living a very healthy lifestyle since my late 20's) for the past 20+ years. I never thought in my wildest dreams that my life and health would look like this. So, I am in the midst of reinventing myself yet again, beginning with being aware of new, potential friendships.
I've never had a ton of friends. My sisters both had tons of friends all throughout school and even now. I'll be 61 in a few weeks and have survived this long with one good friend who now lives several states away. Oddly enough, when we do talk, we just pick up where we left off and just keep on talking. Like you, my best friend is my husband. He's retired and I'm still working. I just go to work only to get done and go home to my best friend. Life is good. I am blessed.
I moved to France many years ago. Initially there was this big expat community; I didn't actively join in with it, but there seemed to be so many fellow English speakers around that I got caught up in the circles... It was a bit like living in a soap opera, there was always so much drama, which was amusing to observe, but it wasn't for me. For the past decade I've got zero English speaking friends, just one good mate from England who I've known for the past 35 years; we take the time to keep in touch even though we rarely see one another. I have a few French friends that I see on occasion, but I'm happy just having my wife and kids around. Outside of the immediate family I'm a loner, but it seems to suit my temperament well.
Couldn’t agree more and beautifully put. I’m in my 50s and have tried to maintain friendships that are just overdue and had become superficial. Exploring the journey of life and deeper understanding are now a prerequisite. Thank you for sharing something so personal and honest 🙏🏻
This certainly resonated with me. Early 60's, introvert my whole life, but always one special person in my life. My husband is my best friend. I have my best Girl friend that I see twice a year. We have a two hour breakfast in Spring and Fall. I look forward to that, but basically, that's it. It's all the time I have to spare. On that note, I converse (a LOT) with folks when I am out and about and I do enjoy that, but I am exhausted when I get home and am tapped out again for another week. I garden, I go hiking, bicycling, long walks, read. I'm teaching myself German and piano. Who has time for shallow friends????? I love my life and wouldn't change a thing!
Sometimes when you see and speak in full living clarity, it makes people uncomfortable. When you are not trying to impress anyone and are comfortable with yourself, it does intimidate people. Artists especially feel this. Having a mutual, reciprocal friends is unique and somewhat rare.
I am my own Best Friend. My life is so rich and full of all the things I enjoy doing - photography, playing my musical instruments ( piano, hammered and mountain dulcimers), enjoying nature, reading meaningful things of interest, doing my at home exercises, spending time with my dog and 4 cuddly kitty cats, traveling to places of interest - solo. I enjoy everything about life thoroughly. I can talk to who ever I want when I want. It’s easy to spark up conversation with people. Some more interesting than others. But, I Love my life and freedom more than anything else. After years of drama and tumultuous relationships as a young adult - my life is beautifully fulfilling and full of love today. 😊
I wholeheartedly agree with you. I finally pulled back from my last friendship (over two decades long) for the same reasons you've given. It felt odd at first, but I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful marriage to a man who is my absolute best friend. As a retired person, I spend my time learning new skills, playing with my husband and dogs and focusing on my physical and mental health. It really is the best time of my life and while I would love to have a great female friend that communicates authentically and shares and supports the way I do, that currently is not happening. I'm okay with it because I've learned that inauthentic, superficial friendships are actually quite a negative thing for me as they drain my energy and focus and leave me feeling lonely. I'm open to the possibility of a future real friendship, but I'm not counting on it to be joyful and at peace.
That's the way it's *supposed* to work! But, too often, *being* a friend leads to only being one at their convenience. And by the time that friendship of convenience has revealed itself as a pattern, it has caused feelings of resentment for having allowed oneself to be used.
It means you're not willing to give anything of yourself to others, to no longer image that any encounter will prove fruitful. I embrace any and all new encounters as there's always something new to learn in everyone. The exchange still excites and interests me. Without effort, I've made at least 2 new close friends in the last year, and I'm older than you, but I choose live alone. It's sad that you have closed the door, intentionally. x
I completely agree. I wonder if his perspective would be different if he wasn't married (to a best friend). He has his best friend, his confidant, his lover and caretaker. He's older, doesn't party anymore and life has slowed down to an intentional pace. Without his wife or kids, it gets extremely difficult. I moved closer to family after living in the country. I became extremely ill and had nobody to help me. That's depressing. Don't buy this dudes snakeoil.
Hm, I was just thinking about this today. Me and my partner live in a new place for a year now. We know some people to go for a lunch together if we really want but we made no friends here. Mainly because we didn't really put any effort into it. Because we don't need it. We are completely happy the way we are and it's only a "social pressure" that makes us feel something is wrong with us. Thanks for normalising the issue!
I am so glad I found this :). I do have friends, but very few and kind of is slowly dying out and I can see that we are making an effort but things just changed. Which makes me sad, but I guess, it is what it is., I also found that things I am open about, others are not and it is hard to talk with people if you can't be completely honest and ready to examine it fully.
I love this video and I can relate…62 , retired and I’ve always viewed life as a journey and exploration. I’ve adapted the mantra or motto “I’d rather have four Quarters than 100 pennies…” to which I added the rest is just spare change. I’ve always been one to ask questions lots of them, as it gives me a better idea of a particular situation. I’ve been called intense by people (especially when I was younger) who don’t really know me…now I’m the person friends call for advice. My mother always told me…never lose your curiosity…question things and don’t accept things always at face value. At this age, I’m not interested in BS…I’m always looking to fine tune my critical thinking skills. We accept the love (and people/friendships) in our lives we feel we’re entitled to… Good luck on your continuing journey…I look forward to hearing your stories…
Boy did this resonate with me. Since my husband and I made (and shared) the decision to move from the US to France I've been really examining my friendships differently. I've always been a "quality over quantity" person, but as I've aged, I've found that even those relationships are lacking in terms of fulfillment. As an HSP I crave deep, meaningful connection with those I'm in relationship with, and have such a hard time finding it - but I'm finally ok with that. It's liberating! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, and for taking us along with you on this incredible journey of yours. Wishing you and your beautiful family all the best!!
I don't agree or disagree about your take on friendships. You are happy with your life, having your family close to you. But I would like to share something that might be maybe worth exploring. I used to be very rigid about my expectations from people around me. I was very fixed on how i would like them to show me they care. I wanted to talk about specific things, a specific way, my way. I don't know how and when the change happened within me. But now I am able to see many ways people show me what i mean to them. I am more in tune to pick up their love language. Other interesting thing i find is having different levels of friendships. I feel i am learning a new skill of remaining deep with one person, mastering a small talk with another or having a challenging conversation with someone i can talk extensively about one topic and having some topic off the table.
Yours is a much healthier outlook for friendship. Life changes it can not stay one way. Even within an immediate family there has to be growth. Personally my idea of friendship is not placing expectations upon people. That makes it all the nicer when they make the effort to show care. And I do not go about trying to hold them to that standard. My only true requirement of friendship is that they be God fearing.
@@darnagutter863 thank you for your comment. Not placing expectations is a good approach too and requirement of being God fearing highlights your deeper values. I wish you all the best
Since my dad's passing in October, I've been taking this new path of self care and learning who I am and what I want. And, I'm doing it alone which is something I used to fear. I feel so much more peaceful these days. I am so happy to find this video and along with the comments, I see I'm not alone with this and that's comforting. Thank you.
Couldn’t agree more. I have a small circle of close friends but not because I have some checklist people don’t meet. I subscribe to the approach of enjoying whomever passes in and out of your life, whether it be for a short time or not, whether it’s superficial or not. They may be there to teach you something, or for you to teach them something. Not everyone needs to be a soulmate friend. Lighten up!😂
I'm 30, and hearing this genuinely wounded me (especially with many of the kindred souls in the comments). I find myself trending quickly towards the same sort of situation and trying to figure out how to stop it. Hearing this makes me want to shout at the world asking what the hell we're doing! Is it our environment doing this to us, or it just natural to find yourself doing this? ... Either way I hate it. I don't want to be this way and I don't want anyone to accept that this is just the norm.
I think in our thirties, we really are searching for authentic, deep friendships. You do you! After being married and post 50, lots of desires change, and that’s not wrong.
I feel bothered by it as well. I want deep friendships, I want community, but my many attempts to build those things have been in vain in the end. In the 80's and 90's it was pretty easy. I don't know if it was being younger or if it was because it was pre cell phones and social media. I definitely feel it has a lot to do with being able to meet so many of our needs via digital avenues. We no longer need to go to the library or the book store for a book, we can order food without interacting with a human, we can get a sense of interacting with others online, even though it isn't as fulfilling. So we get our needs partially met, enough that we aren't propelled by need to go out and interact, but we are not fulfilled. So we are left in this odd purgatory space where we aren't withering away but we aren't thriving.
Great information! I'm also a person that looks within. My therapist told me I should have 4 friends so I'm not too needy with any of them. I don't feel like I need that many. Or any. I did take a class at the senior center and ended up with two good friends. Thank you for this video. I feel calmer now about the friend thing. Nice to know other people feel the same.
I have been feeling the same as you for years now. To me it's a journey back to my soul to discover who I truly am. When I have to deal with a lot of people, it becomes a distraction. I still am friendly and kind to others, but I do prefer my alone time.
1%ers neither seek validation nor self importance. This was a refreshing watch/listen regarding a topic that 99% prefer to swerve, deny and decry. Naked truth is rare, thank you.
I totally agree and understand the sentiment. I believe friendships and relationships fluctuate over time and they are seasonal depending on situations and circumstances. They come and go. I too like my peace and solace and I’m not ashamed of the number of “true” friends I can count on one hand or less. My immediate family is everything to me and I cherish them above all.
This guy is a perfeccionist. His definition of friendship is way too perfect, so people around will never meet his perfectionist standards. To have friends you don't need think too much and just accept them as they are with their unperfection. Accept it and be happy with that. Smile and have friends. Talk and smile to the people in the grocery store near home. I moved to live in Germany and left it after 15+ years because life without friends and friendly people around is worthless.
I agree . I moved from Scandinavia back to my homeland of Ireland , the most friendly country in the world and I am loving every minute of it . Life is about relationships and loving people
@@ginadellgrottaglia6897 i did that but germans don't hesitate on being straightforward. Now I am also straightforward with that: living in rich but individualistic societies like north europe is worthless
One of the "issues" I have told my therapist is needing to find new friends. Actually, I'm not lonely at all, and have never felt like I "fit in" anywhere, no group, job or neighborhood, etc. I've said for several years that I like my company better than others'. I'd like a partner, but not enough to "settle".
So, this video has helped me a lot to stop feeling guilty that I don't have many friends left (moved away or passed away). I'm freed up to focus in what matters to me😁
I feel lucky to have a dad who is introspective and willing to push back against an auto-pilot way of going through life. This matters infinitely more to me than how many friends you've got.
Also, looking good in that shirt!!
I was literally just imagining how I hope to build a family like your guy's one day; you just all seem so genuine and loving toward each other and who you are uniquely as individuals. 🫶🏻
🙏😁
@nathanieldrew Thank you. That is the sweetest comment. Love you. ❤
Same feelings as you as I am nearly 50yrs.
I never had a friend, I had good acquaintances, and buddies since childhood! A lot of them portrayed themselves as my friends! Now I know the answer, a friend is what you said and much more!
I like to go out, rarely and very selective with people for short pleasant moments!
My close family are my friends and it is meaningful, deep, and free of disappointments!
I’ve never been a person to have friends. I used to feel bad about it when I was a young girl, but as I got older I realized I wasn’t much interested in hanging out with people. It takes work and time to maintain relationships most that aren’t worth the investment. Some people in my life have told me I need to make friends and I’ve told them I’m just not interested. I am not married. I am single. So for those who claim that I’ll feel differently when my spouse dies, well that doesn’t apply to me since there is no spouse. I’m single and a dog mom and animal lover. I’m at peace and very content ❤
I can relate. I prefer the company of my own dogs, and anyone else's dogs, too, to most people. It seems blindingly obvious to me why so many people feel as I do as well. 🤣 I could live a perfectly satisfying life without [non-family] humans, but, I wouldn't last a week without the companionship of animals. 🤷
@rattlecat5968 meeeeee tooooo, I have 4 dogs and am happy, not gonna lie I do wish I had a good Godly friend, but 90 percent happy not to deal w people who are fake
If you "fall" who will help pick you up? Eccl 4:9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. 10 For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to help him up! 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
@@lizabetx483 I have yet to have met another person that is as reliable, loyal, sincere or devoted as a dog. My dogs would give their lives to protect me, and one has already been put to the test. No man has ever been as devoted. Fact.
Good for you, I have cats
I’m 68 and retired. No friends. No need to adapt to someone else’s whims. But rarely pass a neighbor or certainly a dog without saying hello
👍
I'm not retired yet - but I adore my neighbors and all the dog love I can get!!
my life goal.
Same here, 75, and love cats & dogs. I have several "cat friends" but we don't socialize. I'm fine with that. I enjoy my privacy.
My husband and I have had some very interesting changes throughout our life which have brought us to today. We just retired and have been planning a move to Spain for last two years. Little by little we have been loosing friends by our non desire to settle to a mediocre life. Our spiritual walk has changed us to want more meaning in all the facets of life. We are friendless in many ways by choice. We agree with you in seeking more than just a conversation, we want to connect. Thank you for sharing this video and posting it. ❤
A friend must both interested AND interesting. This is beyond the social abilities of about 75-85% of the population.
OMG, so spot on. You had me cracking up! 😂😂😂
@@BeneaththeSurfaceYT it’s been an observation of mine for years once i finally figured out why so many friendships do not work out.
You may be underestimating - those of us who see it this way know we are the true 1% 😉
Bingo!! You nailed it!!
EXACTLY
I agree with you 100%. I’m 59-years-old, and don’t have any friends…by choice. I don’t like superficial relationships and meaningless chit chat that most people engage in. I’m very much an introvert and I really enjoy my own company so much.
❤
67. Same.
Sounds awesome to me. :)
Friends are like taking a train ride for your life's journey. Some people get on and sit with you for a while and some gets off. Good or bad, you learned from them and you are grateful. I am in my sixties now, Time is more precious now. So I only make efforts with my long time friends and friends that I feel a connection to.
The best way to deal with friendships is NOT to have any expectations. Do not put your own rules on others. Those of whom are meant to be in your life, they will stay with you till the end.
❤❤❤
This is such a good way to look at friends. I always used to get upset when suddenly we no longer had a relationship with someone I thought we were really close to. Efforts to get together didn't happen and then I gave up. I guess we just didn't click anymore.
I hope he takes your advice because it's good advice. He sounds like a high maintenance kind of "friend". Friends should not impose expectations upon each other. He seems to be only thinking of himself.
As people get older (and he is no young man) we must accept the limitations that come with age. People have their own priorities to sustain and maintain their own lives. Only a selfish person would impose their expectations.
I love your analogy of a train ride and the statement of no expectations. I find the long-term friendships are ones I formed when I was young, many have come and gone since then (in 60's now). I live far away from where I grew up and may go literally years without seeing people. When we do meet up for a visit when I am home it is generally like I never left. Being content with yourself is important also.
I like that… that friends are like a train ride. Very true
I myself don’t have many friends I just find that people are constantly busy. I’d like friends, who are spontaneous, adventurous, and most importantly genuine. Nowadays that’s hard to find. I don’t agree that friendship should always be deep, Sometimes it’s just nice to have friends who are fun too otherwise it will become like therapy sessions instead of a friendship
I needed to hear this thanks! I think I get impatient and push for deep too quickly, and then assume we aren’t meant to be friends.
But you’re right, therapy isn’t friendship.
Not sure where this impatience comes from. I don’t think society used to expect so much from friendships in the past.
@@RhymeandRamblingsaww thanks for your comment. You are very welcome. To me, the most important thing in a friendship is honesty, and being a genuine person. It’s good to have a balance and find a friend who is both adventurous, but also one they can have deep conversations too. I am both of those things but find it hard to connect with the few that I have bec ppl are just so busy nowadays
I agree. I see how he may not need that at this time in his life with so many moving parts and various forms of stimulation. But I do think it is good to have silly friends that you don’t have to go deep with. I have one or two of both fun and deep friends. Sometimes hanging out with the deep friends is too exhausting and I just wanna go watch a movie or go dancing. Just like anything, balance in life is important.
I think your needs may be based on your personality as well. One of my adult children is spontaneous and adventurous. Her brother is vastly different in personality and style. What they need in friendship is thus different. Personally I've no desire for spontaneous and fun friends. The mere thought is exhausting. I understand my reasons have everything to do with my personality type, thus my personal needs.
Neither type is "right" or " wrong", rather it's what works for each individual.
@@TradeWise1000 exactly
I appreciate this. I used to have many friends who would share their lives with me. I would be there for them at their beck and call. Then I got sick, and no one checked in on me..... they all fell away. Everyone whom I thought I was close to. Now, I choose to have no friends because it's a waste of my time. I now spend my days reading, doing my art, sleeping in and staying up late. Spending time with my dog who loves me as I am. Life is good and I am free.
Your life sounds good to me--mine is similar! And there's nothing like the love of our animal companions.....their love is REAL ♥
@@dragonfly9209 thank you
I understand - I wonder if you lost your sense of belonging when your friends fell away? And if so whether you feel you belong now.
Same when I got seriously sick, all disappeared. Thankfully well now, they now say let,'s go for coffee, I ask them why, no interest in any of them
@@ladybooksmith3347@ ladybooksmith3347 that may have some bearing, but also I did most of the work in the friendships. I have chosen, through the years to stay more withdrawn and I don't have any people I hang out with other than my spouse and kids. My kids live quite a distance away so there is no pressure on them to hang out with me. Also, my husband is very social and I'm glad he has found his tribe outside of us. Thanks for your comment. :0
In my opinion, it's not difficult at 57 to not have friends, especially if you have a spouse and children and many personal interests/hobbies. But to be 6, 16, 26 without friends is a whole different story; connecting with others, building relationships, being liked, being a friend to another teaches us so much. My heart breaks for people who go through life without having had a friend(s).
True. My 15 y/o daughter has had a hard time making friends and it breaks my heart. At that age, you do need friends as he pointed out in the video. And having a spouse and children who share your interests is huge. My current husband shares almost all my interests, so I don't feel the need to seek out friendships, but my first husband did not, and we often spent time doing things with other people.
I was a seaman for 12 years in both the merchant marine and the submarine service in the navy, and I was always convinced that the main reason men, or more lately now people, elect to ship out like that is because it provides a social life of sorts with drinking buddies built in. After all, lots of seamen are orphans.
@@ClaireMitchell-n6y My first husband passed away from cancer after we were together for 10 years. I can't honestly say if it ultimately would have or not, but at the time I didn't see it as much of an issue, just an adjustment.
You're right, having had friends earlier in life but choosing to be friendless when older is very different to never having had any friends. I had plenty of friends when younger. Now at 47 only a couple of close ones. I enjoy their company, and prefer having them over not having them, but the (harsh? sad?) truth is I'd hardly be crushed if I never saw them again.
I agree. Wanted (and had) friends up to my mid 40s. Now I want immediate family, solitude, hobbies, work, exercise. Simple, peaceful life.
Friends are to much work ! I love people at a distance ❤
I have to be upbeat and positive all day at work. People make me tired. But they are interesting to watch.
Thats well said. I once knew someone who I really enjoyed talking with, enjoying playful laughter filled conversations, and then, they became distant and unreachable. At first, I could have been offended, but I realized that they are introverted and loner - like. I'm the same, so it was no biggy.
Haha, yes 👍😁
You're lucky to have Cecilia and your children. That changes the need/desire to find friends outside of family.
Exactly, when you have created a tribe and nucleus of close relationships, it’s easy to exist. Humans are designed for connection. He has that. Without that you cannot navigate or tether yourself. It’s like isolation and people don’t survive isolation.
@@tiab4697 People do survive isolation, but it can be difficult as you have to learn how to befriend yourself... most people don't know how to do that, so then look to outside sources for validation and comfort. Sometimes periods of isolation are necessary, but finding balance (as with all things) between being with people and having time for yourself is optimum.
Correct. Huge contributor.
I enjoy my peace now that I’m older . Simple things like gardening & walking my dog make me happy.
Sounds awesome to me 👍❤️
The young cling together because of anxiety.
As you get older
Anxiety disappears
And you don't need so many friends
I wish I was living in your reality where older people don’t have anxiety. I’m guessing you are not from the US
You nailed it. Tx
@@loujon191It’s not that the anxiety disappears, it comes from different places. As a young person, you often have “FOMO” or fear of missing out. Your life revolves around more shallow insecurities such as how many friends you have or how cool you are. Once you are older, you begin to see the important things in life. Your anxiety now comes from finances, raising a family, etc. you have much more responsibilities. It’s nearly impossible not to have some stress. It’s a natural survival instinct.
That makes sense...
Absolutely brilliant! You’ve wonderfully articulated my thoughts on the subject completely. I used to think I was lacking in some important emotional component. Not the case anymore. You’ve confirmed that I’m not alone in this thinking. I’ve never heard anyone talk about such a sensitive subject with such clarity and brevity. Thank you.
So great to hear you connected with it. Thank you for your lovely words. 🙏😁
If you like yourself, you want to be mostly by yourself. There is peace in that
Yes indeed!
🙏😁
The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Thank you for a wonderful video.
Thank you so much. 🙏😁
I disagree. The most important relationship is with God Almighty. Then yourself and your family
Would agree to disagree!@@ivi122
@ivi122 I believe that if you have a relationship with yourself then you have a relationship with God. Simple. ❤
@@junej4216 hmm that’s not enough. I’m sorry but that’s nonsense. God is the most important relationship
We also need to address this ridiculous notion that if you don't have friends or very many friends then something is wrong with you/you're inferior
Cope
@@Finn959 Your comment shows your lack of intelligence
@@Finn959 Your comment shows your lack of intelligence
@@Finn959 You’re mentally challenged
@@Finn959 You’re struggling with the daily challenges of having a smooth brain I can tell
Thanks so much for this wonderful video.
I grew up in a family of 12 kids. I hated it!
I "tried" to be married when I was 30. It lasted 3.5 years.
At 56.5 years old, in October 2014, I quit my job, sold & gave away all my stuff & embarked on a life of full time travel. The friends who kicked up the most fuss about me leaving (my dance friends) have virtually all faded into the background of my life. I go back to Canada almost every summer to volunteer for a music festival, visit with friends, eat my favorite foods and, stock up on clothes that fit my body type.
These past 10 years have been the happiest of my life. I don't have friends that want to travel full time so, we catch up when we can. Travel has taught me to let go of the place that I am leaving, in favor of the place that I am heading to. If I love a place, I can always go back. If my friends are available when I go back to Canada, we get together. If not, there is always someone new that thinks my life is interesting and wants to get to know me better. It's a different dynamic every time I go back.
The biggest lesson I have learned from life & my travels is that attachment really is the source of all suffering...
Namaste.
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s inspiring to hear how you’ve created a life that brings you happiness and freedom. I love your perspective on attachment and how travel has shaped your relationships. It’s a beautiful reminder to stay open to life’s changes. Wishing you many more amazing experiences! :)
Have you considered how different your life may be or would be in the absence of a partner, living truly alone? It’s then when friendships become more important as a means of connection. As we age, having friends is important for our mental health & emotional well-being.
when that happens someone can make friends in group therapy, church, or organization. we can connect with new friends just as much as old friends.
I have had a PARTNER for 42 years and I feel more lonely than ever. He hates aging and everything that comes with it. Feels sorry for himself 24/7. Doesn’t want to talk to me anymore BECAUSE WE SAID IT ALL.
I would go crazy without my tiny circle of friends. They give me a sense of still being alive!
The only time he shows some emotion is when I mention DIVORCE. I have tried to get him help but the vicious cycle continues 😢
100% @@elabuterin7150
Just for perspective, I am divorced and therefore exist in the absence of a partner. I still feel the same way.
@@joyrobinson123 I agree. I am enjoying my solo peaceful living. I do all the things I enjoy.
My adult son and I agree that there's rarely a "friend" in life that is a deep relationship. For me, I see people come into my life for a reason, and then leave again. I think about them once in a while then remember that that season is over. I have no desire for a friend. I live alone and love it. I'm often called "strange" or weird" but it doesn't matter to me. In fact I like being weird if that's what I am, because I'm happy. Also, I enjoy meeting strangers knowing that most likely we will never meet again. There's a poignancy to that, a joy, and for me, that's meaning. I appreciate you and your videos. Thank you for sharing your honest realities and some of your inner truths. That's more than most would or can do. I send you blessings, from Italy.
Wonderful comment. Thank you so much for your lovely words. 🙏
Svizzero likes this comment, too. Resonates with me.
Anche io strana e solitaria come te!!!in realtà io trovo strani gli altri adulti che conosco:invidiosi,attenti a compararsi con gli altri,formali,rigidi,vecchi e noiosi.Preferisco avere a che fare con i miei studenti:teenagers curiosi,spontanei e attivi!Ciao from Sicily
People fit in 3 categories. Season, Reason, or Lifetime. That's where you need to put people, places, and things.
🙌🏼 so true
Can you explain? Thanks!
Wow. That's absolutely true. 🙌 Never thought of it that way. Thanks for tte clarity!
Just thinking about that is it something like?
Season - e.g. when you're young
Reason - eg tennis partner?
Lifetime - deep connection
Love that
I have a few friends, but they are all 60 and up with families and lives. I am 35 for context so it's pretty abnormal. I stopped associating with people my age about 10 years ago. I was tired of feeling taken advantage of in my relationships. Or like I wasn't cool enough to hang with. I really think now many of them were deeply insecure and probably a little jealous of me. Don't have that issue with older ones.
Same here. I can relate to this as I've always felt more connected to and accepted by my older friends.
I feel EXACTLY the same way now.
I’m 64 and have done a lot of inner
work and exploration. Through that, I’m much wiser and as you say, much pickier. My husband is also my best friend. I am very grateful for that. 🌿
Sounds awesome to me 😁
But when you lose your husband then what? I habe been a widow for six years now and it feels as if he were gone yesterday “my best friend”. We moved to another country in the tropics and now I am too old to go back to live where we used to live in the cold of northern Germany. My old friends in Germany whom I had for over fifty years are all dying one after the other are too old to go out much. I fly over to visit once a year but do not expect much of them and that is OK. I have made a few acquaintances here where I live but I don’t socialise much. I have learned to live alone and find my company good. What I do miss is the culture I enjoyed in Germany. Concerts, art exhibitions, theatre etc. so when I go on my visits to Germany I go to these places alone. I am now 78 but still healthy and able bodied and my mind is still clear and sound! I do not search for another partner as no one can replace the love of my life.
@@corrieboomgaard9205 I can relate to this... I miss sharing concerts, Art, and activities... Sure I can go alone and often I don't mind, but the people I used to connect with are gone and it's difficult to start over with a stranger at my age... I admit I am jaded... even after a lot of begging. I still did NOT attend my 50th high school reunion... as I told one girl who was bugging me to attend, after NOT hearing from anyone since the 20 year reunion why would I go to the 50th?? I am sorry your husband is not there to share with you anymore... I love Germany too, but I would not want to live there in Winter at this point. Thanks for sharing!
Living alone, contact with fellow human beings lifts my spirit and makes me smile. People I consider as friends need not be phylosophical partners to be appreciated, I'm happy with the odd cup of coffee and a chat. I guess I don't demand much and it helps that I am an introvert but we all need people as no man is an island.
Totally agree 😊
Totally agree after I retired I took a long hard look at my friends and discovered how toxic some of them are and outside of the job, we had nothing in common.
Love your videos and your new home
🙏😁
This resonates with me.
I made the sacrifice and took early retirement to save myself from the toxicity.
Same here. I'm still recovering from my toxic job. It has been over two years now. Ugh.
If your spouse passes, you will view this VERY differently. I used to say exactly the same thing. I now see the world entirely differently.
verily verily.
I agreed
Yes, I think it's really different when you have a life partner.
You beat me to this comment. Agreed.
Why plan for a what if in the future, why not adapt as the future unfolds!
Men usually bond through a mission. It can be hard to maintain a friendship outside of shared goals or challenges you can work through and accomplish together.
This video has given me permission to be ok with my choice of alone time. I don't have connections with any of my past friendships. As we left childhood, we disconnected with no looking back. At 57, I'm at a great place to grow and not settle on any relationship just to not look lonely or sad. I agree with your definition of relationships. It has to have depth and be intentional. Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone and more in charge of my life.
Lovely to hear. Thanks for watching. 🙏😁
I’ve lost my closest friends due to jealousy and politics. I realized after the fact that I was putting in all the effort to sustain those relationships.
Are you at peace ultimately with how things turned out?
@ definitely. They can’t say I didn’t try.
@@melvano4014 That’s great to hear. I’m sure you’ve found a lot of valuable space now in your life as a result.
@ amen
You speak my mind 100%. For the 1st time in ages I'm not self employed and I'm working in retail. I come home socially EXHAUSTED. The mindless chit-chat drains me. I'm 57 years old and have two good friends - and my lovely adult son. It's enough. I don't have time for what doesn't inspire me.
Amen sister! 🙌
Same here.....
I agree with you completely. I used to think that I should have many friends (I thought there was something wrong with me if I didn't have them). But over time I stopped thinking like that. People change, people come and go (that's life). Those who are meant to stay in our lives will stay.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I’m 69 years young and have just experienced a tremendous loss. My husband of 44 years has passed recently due to an illness. We were perfectly happy with our life and small family. Yes I am alone now but I will be fine. The few people I have talked with are very quick to tell me how to grieve and what I need to be doing. Surround yourself with people. Why. It’s not what we were doing before. I am content with myself. I’m very selective of who I bring into my life. Great video 😊❤ Deborah
Lovely comment, Deborah. And excellent for you that you’re doing what you feel is right. Much love to you. 🙏❤️
No one can tell you how or how long to grieve!
I am very similar to how you described yourself. However, after having lived like this for the last 7 years (I am 30), I am now making an effort in hanging out with people even if they are different to me. Not excessively, not without boundaries, but I find it stimulating and it helps me not to stay in my own bubble too much and also shows me what areas I can improve in.
Gawd! I agree so much! If you are a deep thinker and an explorer finding others like you is extraordinarily difficult. So tired of meeting people who believe that depth is discussing who is on Dancing with the Stars! I will be moving out of the US soon and I'm really hoping that it's easier to find people who are deeper. Emotions, the process is the flavor that makes life worthwile.
Great comment. 😊
@@BeneaththeSurfaceYTYa know what would be lovely? Having friends to just hang with... but that doesn't mean talking unless you have something to talk about. Sometimes just hanging with people and not saying anything is as rewarding as hanging with people and conversating.
I feel this way about the US as well superficial relationships.
@@CesiraKelleher-im5nuThat's why I'm looking elsewhere. 2 years and I can start my search. Are you thinking of checking out of the US?
Good comment. You’ll notice good comments usually aren’t just a couple of words with a stupid emoji. The problem is that two/thirds of the population are imbeciles essentially. But that still leaves a good number of interesting people.
I have gone through a season of not having friends due to being busy with raising children, work, housework etc and I have been fulfilled with inner work and a wonderful relationship with my husband but I think that season is coming to an end and I hope it is also just a season for you. It's not just about what friends offer you but what you can offer them. All people need support at times and if you have time then you can give some. All people have a universe inside them just like you! And I have learnt so much from 'Shallow' people about cooking, or wise ways to spend money or nice ways to spend time or what it's like to raise a puppy.... I mean endless things. People are fascinating and everyone has depths to share if you are interested about them and their life. You can learn things from everyone! There are times to go inwards and times to reach outwards. I think the world and its people are very important to the inner journey.
Yours is a good lesson for this TH-camr. I personally don't think placing expectations on people makes for a lasting friendship. A good friend to me is one who is not too requiring.
Sounds like you’ve sorted out something that works well for you. Thanks for watching. 🙏
I'm 35 and already experiencing a lot less friendships in life due previous bad experiences and not much value in old friendships. It was a huge hit for me as since being bullied as a kid and not having a strong relationship with my father I was always searching for acceptance in the crowd, never truly accepting myself and what I want and value in return. I have recently started my first steps in therapy with CBT and I can honestly say that the amount of peace that it brought to my life is more valuable to me then having people around just to have them around. I focus on working on myself to be a better human to myself and others and on people around that bring value to my life and share theirs without fear.
Thank you for sharing your stories with us!
Thank you so much for sharing and so great to hear about the positive changes in your life. So appreciate your support. 🙏❤️
Very good video! I think I would be happier if I had 2 things: #1, A dog, and #2, A small circle of humorous and intelligent friends to meet with once a week to enjoy an excellent cup of coffee and some nice conversation.
Definitely, get a dog 👏🏻
👍😁
Gracias! I learnt a phrase recently: ”Eagles don’t flock” I’ve been thinking a lot about, no many want to go deep into themselves or they are curious, I wish I coul exchange what I discover everyday with someone as curious and excited, I always need to go back home to recharge from being with people, I feel like problably nobody is going to ever know my idiosincracies but it’s ok, thank you i thought I was missing the point, I used to get so dissapointed with people’s erratic behavior and no reciprocity that i just stopped doing the effort to reach to people that don’t care about me, or to pretend I like small talk or meaninless encounters, life is so short, no wasting
”Eagles don’t flock” - well,they do have convocations! I too stopped making the effort to keep in touch and discovered none of them sought me out.
It takes many hours of contact to create a friendship, that seems nearly impossible to do when you are moving around the globe. It seems many travel youtubers struggle to maintain friendships due to this very reason. I disagree that friendships are not important. When we grow and change it is difficult to maintain old friendships that you've out grown but it's the new friendships that will support continued growth. It's hard work to be sure, being vulnerable and putting yourself out there...but the alternative is having no one outside of your family except a paid therapist :/
Hello! I agree with you. I have always struggled making friends, and when I got married and raised a family it was not a priority. But I have been self analyzing and I was sad that I was missing out on great friendships, I had them and I remember it being really happy moments. I say all that to say I am making an effort to make friends with good people not perfect but have similar interests and enjoy a good brunch.
Have you ever moved to another country? This is my first encounter with this channel but this guy doesn't strike me as a traveling TH-camr. 😊
If you move to a different country, there will be people who instantly want your home to become their place to stay for vacations.
I have a friend, or acquaintance, back in the States, who once wrote to me that I should not feel guilty when someone treated me to a coffee if I wasn't flush at the time. She wrote that my presence, my companionship, brought value too. I was so grateful for that.
This friend slowly faded to the obligatory Christmas message, usually wonderful animated digital cards.
She started going on cruises and when she ended up at a port close to me, I spent the money on the train to go over and meet her. She knew and could see that I was struggling financially but didn't offer to pay for even a mere coffee for me. I remembered what she had written to me in the past.
I've discovered that there are many people who will be there when you're doing well and even may seem glamorous to them but who will drop away at the slightest hint of things not going so well for you or if you becoming unable to jump up and be there for them at their beck and call like you used to.
Mmmmh , I wouldn’t engage in deep sharing / complex feelings with a stranger . You sound like you are being quite lazy about putting in some effort to build a friendship. Sure lots fail ,but too much alone time ,is a path to smug narcissism…..you can actually learn things from others . “ As long as you get what you need “ telling phrase .
@@karinaohara3401Were you addressing someone in particular in your comment? Forgive me I'm a little lost by what you mean...did you mean to place this comment somewhere else?
@@I-talk-about-tough-topicsI haven't moved to another country but I have experience big moves with major culture shock. Where I live now, the culture was so different from what I was used to and the locals were so closed off I ended up having a terrible time adjusting. Then the pandemic 😂 It took me years to build something here! It's taken a lot of effort, so many attempts and failures. I found myself in a place where I told myself, I don't any friends, I'm good but the truth is I just felt like giving up because I had had so many disappointments. One day it struck me that my only social interactions were paid....my therapist, my trainer, my doctor, chiropractor...They all kind of had to like me and that thought made me so depressed. I knew I couldn't give up. For me I realized that I wasn't showing up as myself because I felt like such an alien in the environment, I learned to conceal myself a little to fit in. Once I stopped doing that, trying to fit myself to the world around me, and really put myself out there as I am I finally made traction! I have one best friend and many other acquaintances and light friendships I'm developing. It takes time and perseverance, just like building muscles in the gym, you have to be consistent!
Everything you said perfectly resonates with my views on friendship. It was refreshing to hear another soul articulate exactly what I feel about this topic. Thank you.
🙏😁
Speaking only for myself, this is your best video ever! Not to mention how heartwarming it was, reading the comments, that SO many people could identify with you…having no friends. Thank You 🙏🏻 Blessings from Canada 🇨🇦
Thank you so much! So sweet of you. 🙏😁
WOW! It's like I just had a monologue looking in the mirror. Absolutely relate to EVERYTHING in this video. I am 52 and I am very happily married. Between the two of us we have two adult daughters living their lives quite far away from ours (we see each of them about three times a year). My husband and I have been nomading for the last 14 years and so my friendships have worn out due to lack of maintenance. And when I tried to keep exchanging letters, none could reciprocate in any meaningful way. I realized that I am only making them feel inadequate with my letters full of thoughts, ideas, impressions, etc. I even began to suspect that my travels and my overall freedom is irritating to many. For a long time I felt like I needed a friend. I still wish to meet a person that would match my interests. But mostly I am fine without a friend. And the weirdest thing is I am hardly ever lonely and I am never bored.
Exactly my thoughts. I watched the video and felt like looking into a mirror. I heard myself talking.
Haha, love that you related so well to what I had to say. And look, shedding people in your life is not a bad thing. If they were not a good fit for you, then you don’t need them. Wishing you all the best!
Anya, I to enjoy writing and receiving the kind of letters you described. I think it’s a art form, either one is drawn to it or not. I enjoy hearing about someone else’s travels and daily experiences. I’ll definitely sit for a slideshow! For example, As a young girl reading my grandmother’s letters. She always wrote wonderful long stories describing foods that she served or was served at an event in great detail. My family always laughed at asking me what she had for lunch the second I started reading her letter. Then I learned in my adulthood that she grew up with very little food. Made sense why she’d be describing the abundance of food in her married life. It’s nice to know a fellow letter writer!
Just in the past few days I have been wrestling with letting go of a friend who was wonderful in the past, but those years are long gone and they never reach out anymore. They don't even have the decency to reply to text messages. This is insufficient for my needs so I have to face the realities that the relationship is gone. It has been gone for awhile and I am only now realizing it on my own... only now accepting that possibility as the truth. It is validating to hear others who have these kinds of experiences. It is difficult to accept the impermanence of friendships, but all of life is ephemeral, and to have expectations to the contrary leads to suffering. Thank you for the video - and thank you everyone for your comments. There is a lot of wisdom assembled here.
I'm the one that don't answer or text to "friends". I have my own theory. In my case, I'm agoraphobic, and suffer from anxiety. So it is hard, really hard to have contact with others. Another thing is that, those friends never been too closed to me and where jealous of my life, my achievements, and everything, so I was done. I understand is frustrating, and what your friend did probably is wrong. I agree with you. I felt bad, I did the same to my friend, but actually she and others where really mean to me. I'm sure you will find people with whom you can share your own values. And you'll never know, may be is the perfect time to be your best friend, while you find the right ones.
That resonates to me so much. No friends, very close relationship with my family though, interesting work, collegues and clients. tons of socal interaction. But I noticed I am getting tired of this. No need in parties, reunions. I am terified of them actually. I would rather spend time reading my favorite books or walking in a park, listening to my favorite music. I thought there is something wrong with me. Thank you for reassuring 🙂
Great for you! Love it. 😁❤️
What you’ve described has been my entire life. It was hard to accept as a teenager or young adult. Because society tells us we need as many friends as we can collect. It just never happened for me. I used to get my feelings hurt watching other women make connections and be “besties” but in my 40’s I can now appreciate where my life is and the very few connections that I actually have. Thank you for speaking honestly and allowing complete strangers to feel normal and affirmed! Because sometimes hearing somebody else speak out loud your life experience makes you feel good.
Teenabeena4: I was in my 40's when after working hard to develop what I thought were friendships at work, I came through a back entrance to the office to hear my name and listened to a bunch of gossip about me... I casually entered and said, " you can say anything to my face" No need to talk behind my back... THEY gasped!! it was a turning point for me, I realized how shallow people can be... A True friend doesn't gossip about you, but are there for you when you are either Up or Down! I have enjoyed a handful of true friends... but they are not easy to come by... I like my own company the BEST! :)
I completely relate to your friend requirements. When I was younger I used to think that people who just engaged in small talk were going to eventually get over it, and become more open and deep as I got to know them. After a while I had to accept that most people just weren’t interested in diving deep the way I was. This acceptance made my deep diving friends more precious to me. I still love making new friends, they add to the richness of my life, and these days I don’t waste time with those who live life on the surface because I know they’re not my tribe.
LOL, you have my last name:)
I so agree. I’ve spent the last several years pruning my friendship tree, getting clarity about the type of relationships I want, and being discerning. I have a very small circle that I’m carefully cultivating. It irritates me that so much emphasis is given from the medical community as to the health benefits of friends. The wrong people cause stress, anger, and irritation which is terrible for our wellbeing. The right people bring joy. Thanks for giving voice to the process I’ve been living. As always the best to you and your lovely family.
Because people are literally dying of loneliness. It can create depression and life expectancy
Most people need social contacts. Nobody is saying you personally do or that people should go and find bad friendships but abstaining from having friends is not the solution for people.
That is the reason why psychologists put so much emphasis on it
I agree 💯! This pertains to not only friends but relatives as well!
Indeed!
I agree to a certain extent. I used to have a lot of "friends", but since I moved to Europe almost 14 years ago, very few people stayed friends. And I've barely made a new "friend" since coming here. As I get older, and especially now that I have a kid, I realize my "social life" gravitates around his socials, and this will change every time he changes school. People here in Germany don't invest in friendships with "strangers" and I feel like I just accepted this fact and stopped trying. Get-togethers are extremely superficial, time consuming and get boring very easily, and I was the one always really interested in people. I think I just need to move on and play the game as it goes.
@@paradoxymoron2138 So you’re a fellow expat! 😁
It’s an ever-evolving thing…
My husband and I talk about this often. We don’t feel the need for friends. We are each other’s best friends and love spending our time together. Friends just don’t fit into this stage in our life. Society makes us feel like we are missing out by not having friends and it’s nice to see that we are in good company.
Same with me and my husband. He will be 70 next month and I am 66.
In the same boat myself, but relying totally on one person in your life, will eventually come to an end, either for yourself or your partner.
What then?
idk? Live in the moment and worry about that when it happens, maybe?@@pantherzzz111 😀
@@pantherzzz111 And then you're on your own. I would rather be alone than have people around who don't genuinely care about me.
@@dlyras It is the nature of the ego mind, depending how high you are on the spectrum, to only care for itself, and trust me we are all on the spectrum to some degree. So the chances of anyone truly caring about you are slim, unless there is something in it for themselves, they are mostly pre occupied with self. Is isolating yourself removing yourself from the game, you don’t want to engage, in case you are caught out.
The cost of not playing the game can be complete isolation in later years of life,I have witnessed many older people in this position and they were not happy, apart from what medical science states, that isolation and loneliness can bring about.
Couple that with accidents at home or medical issues and no one to turn to.
I’am not trying to say anyone is wrong, but there are consequences.
Couldn't agree more at age 47. I want more than shallow relationships and I want to be around people who challenge me to grow and experience life to the fullest. Thanks for this.
Right on 👍😁
Absolutely. Keep searching -they’ll come. Don’t wait either to get out there and enjoy life! 😎
@@dianegriffith3006 Thank you! ❤
@@dianegriffith3006 Also, I'm currently traveling full time and working remote in my Airstream. I've figured out that if you want your life to be interesting, you have to do something interesting 😊
@@dianegriffith3006one came and I married her
I think this should be true for people who are emotionally mature.
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"No one owes me a God damn thing" Wow, SO true!! We tend to think that because we give a lot to other friends, because we care about their inner experiences, we deserve the same thing or even a lot back... so eye-opening. I'm 43 and I'm the same opinion as you... my best friend is my husband, and I'm learning to emotionally detach from people that do not deserve my energy, my time, my attention. But it is so hard to do so! Amazing, Josh, how nice it is to feel that someone gets how we sometimes feel.
So good to watch your videos. Thank you, you made me feel I'm not unique. I'm a 69 woman living alone in Florida, it's been a rude awakening to realize that after 5 years, i haven't made any friends, only acquaintances. You are blessed to have a partner so smart like Cecilia with great qualities, and your 2 boys that are on the same same path of personal growth and
Self discovery as you are. As for me i keep doing the things that interest me, thank God i still have 60 year old friendships, my women friends that been with me thru thick and thin and that is a blessing.
I'm 67 and in the same boat. Making good friends at our age is tough! I've never had to work at it before, friendships just happened organically. It doesn't help that I live in a retirement community where most people are married and they tend to socialize with other couples. After living here for 2 years, I have a few acquaintances but no real friends. Sigh.
Isn’t that just the thing? I’m 78 and live in a senior housing. It can be isolating when what I’m seeing are those that are not metaphysically or higher learning involved. Makes me sad. 😞
I'm having a very similar experience. I have always had TONS of friends over my lifetime, and I am so thankful and grateful for everything we shared and that they brought into my life. As I age, I will be 56 next week, the numbers have truly whittled down to only my oldest and deepest relationships. Like you, I feel that I don't have tolerance for people who cause me stress or do not share my life view. I'm not angry with them or even disappointed, I just don't have the energy to spend on them or on relationships that don't add much more than they require. I am suddenly alone often. I'm divorced and have grown children whom I love and speak with and see often but in general I am home alone or out and about alone, and I am OK with that. There is a peace and tranquility in being with oneself. I am not opposed to friends, and I will gladly fold them into my life if they bring with them what I want and need. :) Thank you for this insightful video. I really appreciate and look forward to your content.
Well said!
Thank you so much for sharing and for your support. 🙏😁
I’m 65 - a few good friends but not in each others pockets. We self ‘isolated’ during ‘Covid’ but mainly due to differing views to the narrative. Perfectly happy
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At age 69, I find I have very little need for friends. My husband is my best friend and soul mate. I am very content to live my life my way. I actually refer to it as "freedom." I am also an introvert who has always enjoyed my own company best. As an introvert, my social bettery drains pretty quickly. I'm bored with small talk, but I would love deeper conversations, which few people want to engage in, it seems. I don't have the energy or care as much to try to reach out to others as when I was younger. I understand your message in this video.
One hundred percent I agree with you . I have learned so much , choosing to be by myself . I enjoy my own company . Have a great man / beautiful soul as my husband , 2 wonderful children and 2 small grandchildren . I enjoy their company because I know them inside and out and they are uplifting . I really do enjoy my own company . Doing stuff that I enjoy and want to improve . Learning new crafts ,reading books ,…..Most of my friends are familiar faces . Never could rely on them for anything . Come to think back , they were users . Waste of my time , energy , generosity and kindness . Cherish your own inner circle . Have a blessed time . Love your channel btw .
Thank you so much. :)
My husband is my only friend! Like you I haven't had a desire to search for friends or seek their company for a very long time. I love my life and wouldn't want to live it any other way.
I'm in my mid forties and have been on such a self discovery over the last 3 years that I've found I've moved on from a lot of "friends", that turned out to be just drinking buddies, or my kids parents that I had to engage with because our kids are friends. I still have two close friends that I talk too and have a meaningful conversations with but I'm ok with enjoying life without having a massive network of people that don't inspire me or I feel inspired to keep connected too.
Thanks for sharing.
Totally get the “parents“ thing. Good for you for knowing what you want and don’t want in your life.
I recently distanced myself from a friend who started to vex my soul when I discovered that she, who is 50-something, only wanted to party. But I do need friends, but like you, those friendships must have depth and feed me. Admittedly, I was pleasantly surprised to hear a man say these things, like he likes to talk feelings and emotions. Your wife is blessed to have you.
I had 2 "friends" since high school. In my 30's I matured and realized they were major GOSSIPERS. I understood that if they were telling me all of their friends personal business: then they were telling my personal business to their friends. 1 friend sent me a text by mistake telling her husband that if he keeps cheating on her he can just stay with the other girl. I responded and she said it was a joke she sent him. I knew right then she was hiding her personal life from me and there she has never told me anything about her personal life.
Thank you🙏😁
I too was self-employed for 20+ years and exposed to only a few people. Today I‘m 58 and okay with life as it is. I prefer pets over a lot of people, lol. I‘ve done the work in therapy, 8 years from 2005-2013. my wife has a few long-standing friendships, but they also never call except on birthdays which frustrates her.
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Thank you for this video. I have always struggled to make friends, and have often felt that others are far too “surface” for my taste. I have a small group of friends now who I can discuss real life with and I’m grateful for them. Please keep making these difficult videos, your voice and perspective are so refreshing and validating for how I want to live my life ❤
Thanks so much! Hope you've been keeping up with my work since this video?
I have friends, but they are few. One of these friends told me that spending time alone is good and in that time you have to learn to be your own best friend.
Very true
I love emotional depth as much as the next person, but being friends with someone that ONLY wants that in a "Friendship" would be exhausting. Sometimes, I just want to sit with a drink, a good old friend, watch the sunset and laugh at our latest wrinkles. We don't always need to solve the worlds problems, or each others, there's beauty in the stillness of a good friend too.
But in fairness to Josh, I only have a few really good friends left at this stage in my life. Most people flitted in and out of my life, not wanting to put in the work it requires to maintain the friendship. Or took more then they gave. But that's ok, I valued them for the time we spent, and the good conversations we had, and have no hard feelings that they are not in my life any more. The ones that I have left, I've known since childhood, I like to say, "They knew me when, but love me still."
I am so on board with this; the internal work, the depth of relationships, and the meeting of the minds. I have my dog Mindy and am vital and thriving without friends. These are my true boundaries of caring. Keep sharing. 🎉
Awesome to hear. Thank you so much. :)
Definition of a friend: someone you can confide in, who you know will listen, not judge, will understand and wants your well-being. One that remains through different stages of life. One that is honest in sharing what they see in you. One that encourages you. Thank you for your topic :)
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I just lost my dearest friend (Joe) in September 7, 2024. I must say he was my only real friend since moving to the Nature Coast (in Florida) 12 years ago. What you say about friendship resonates with me. Listening to the other person, asking questions, learning from each other, and laughing at life's absurdities. True friends enrich our lives. I turn sixty-four in December, and I have lost several dear friends over the past few years. Now I have no more friends, just acquaintances. As a loner, I felt so lucky to meet and connect with a quality person like Joe. He was a star athlete in school, an engineer. a mechanical whiz, and a loving husband and father. I shall miss his wonderful wit and sense of humor, his love of nature, his kindness and compassion, and his extraordinary intelligence. Anyway, thanks for this thought-provoking video, Josh. You do go beneath the surface. Usted es una persona de pensamiento profundo.
Mil gracias, Kevin. 🙏❤️
Your video really resonated with my husband and I. He's 60 and I'm 54 and we have zero friends. We have tried over the years and have made many so-called "friends," but the relationships are always so draining and unfulfilling. We are wired the same way you are....we need depth, introspection, curiosity, and flexibility of ideas and opinions as new information arises. We have found it nearly impossible to meet people that feel this way, and I would add that because our relationship with each other does fulfill us in this way, we do not desire to seek out relationships with others that always end up being subpar.
Ditto
@EarthStudent7 Well expressed. Thank you for watching and sharing your thoughts! Happy holidays. 🙏❤️
I agree. A friend is someone you can have deep meaningful conversations with. Someone who helps you grow and to whom you help grow.
Like you not long ago i reconnected with an old friend, they said that they would keep in touch but disappeared yet again so i went through another grieving period 😢 not going through this again. Thanks for your brave and insightful video.
Thank you 🙏
Real friends are a blessing and do not suck energy from me.
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You have spoken my truth, too. The problem I now face at 75 is that I have outlived all my close family members, even my son, and lost most of my friends in the pandemic, so I no longer have someone close and capable to look after my welfare. Living in the U.S., I have spent well over three hundred thousand dollars paying out of pocket for medical services and supplies and non-insurance-covered medications and in-home-support services (I have multiple disabilities, despite living a very healthy lifestyle since my late 20's) for the past 20+ years. I never thought in my wildest dreams that my life and health would look like this. So, I am in the midst of reinventing myself yet again, beginning with being aware of new, potential friendships.
I've never had a ton of friends. My sisters both had tons of friends all throughout school and even now. I'll be 61 in a few weeks and have survived this long with one good friend who now lives several states away. Oddly enough, when we do talk, we just pick up where we left off and just keep on talking. Like you, my best friend is my husband. He's retired and I'm still working. I just go to work only to get done and go home to my best friend. Life is good. I am blessed.
I moved to France many years ago. Initially there was this big expat community; I didn't actively join in with it, but there seemed to be so many fellow English speakers around that I got caught up in the circles... It was a bit like living in a soap opera, there was always so much drama, which was amusing to observe, but it wasn't for me. For the past decade I've got zero English speaking friends, just one good mate from England who I've known for the past 35 years; we take the time to keep in touch even though we rarely see one another. I have a few French friends that I see on occasion, but I'm happy just having my wife and kids around. Outside of the immediate family I'm a loner, but it seems to suit my temperament well.
Couldn’t agree more and beautifully put. I’m in my 50s and have tried to maintain friendships that are just overdue and had become superficial. Exploring the journey of life and deeper understanding are now a prerequisite. Thank you for sharing something so personal and honest 🙏🏻
So great to hear. Thank you so much for your lovely words and your support. 🙏❤️
This certainly resonated with me. Early 60's, introvert my whole life, but always one special person in my life. My husband is my best friend. I have my best Girl friend that I see twice a year. We have a two hour breakfast in Spring and Fall. I look forward to that, but basically, that's it. It's all the time I have to spare.
On that note, I converse (a LOT) with folks when I am out and about and I do enjoy that, but I am exhausted when I get home and am tapped out again for another week.
I garden, I go hiking, bicycling, long walks, read. I'm teaching myself German and piano. Who has time for shallow friends?????
I love my life and wouldn't change a thing!
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Sometimes when you see and speak in full living clarity, it makes people uncomfortable. When you are not trying to impress anyone and are comfortable with yourself, it does intimidate people. Artists especially feel this. Having a mutual, reciprocal friends is unique and somewhat rare.
Great way to put it
I am my own Best Friend. My life is so rich and full of all the things I enjoy doing - photography, playing my musical instruments ( piano, hammered and mountain dulcimers), enjoying nature, reading meaningful things of interest, doing my at home exercises, spending time with my dog and 4 cuddly kitty cats, traveling to places of interest - solo. I enjoy everything about life thoroughly. I can talk to who ever I want when I want. It’s easy to spark up conversation with people. Some more interesting than others. But, I Love my life and freedom more than anything else. After years of drama and tumultuous relationships as a young adult - my life is beautifully fulfilling and full of love today. 😊
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I wholeheartedly agree with you. I finally pulled back from my last friendship (over two decades long) for the same reasons you've given. It felt odd at first, but I am fortunate enough to have a wonderful marriage to a man who is my absolute best friend. As a retired person, I spend my time learning new skills, playing with my husband and dogs and focusing on my physical and mental health. It really is the best time of my life and while I would love to have a great female friend that communicates authentically and shares and supports the way I do, that currently is not happening. I'm okay with it because I've learned that inauthentic, superficial friendships are actually quite a negative thing for me as they drain my energy and focus and leave me feeling lonely. I'm open to the possibility of a future real friendship, but I'm not counting on it to be joyful and at peace.
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If you want a friend, be a friend.
That's the way it's *supposed* to work! But, too often, *being* a friend leads to only being one at their convenience. And by the time that friendship of convenience has revealed itself as a pattern, it has caused feelings of resentment for having allowed oneself to be used.
I’m good, thanks 😁
You and I are about the same age. This video was thoughtful, honest, sincere, and above all, greatly appreciated.. I thank you from the heart.
Thank you so much! 🙏
It means you're not willing to give anything of yourself to others, to no longer image that any encounter will prove fruitful.
I embrace any and all new encounters as there's always something new to learn in everyone.
The exchange still excites and interests me.
Without effort, I've made at least 2 new close friends in the last year, and I'm older than you, but I choose live alone.
It's sad that you have closed the door, intentionally. x
I completely agree. I wonder if his perspective would be different if he wasn't married (to a best friend). He has his best friend, his confidant, his lover and caretaker. He's older, doesn't party anymore and life has slowed down to an intentional pace.
Without his wife or kids, it gets extremely difficult.
I moved closer to family after living in the country. I became extremely ill and had nobody to help me. That's depressing.
Don't buy this dudes snakeoil.
You seem to be a amazing person, stick to what you feel. You are honest about how you see our world and your place.
Thank you 🙏
Hm, I was just thinking about this today. Me and my partner live in a new place for a year now. We know some people to go for a lunch together if we really want but we made no friends here. Mainly because we didn't really put any effort into it. Because we don't need it. We are completely happy the way we are and it's only a "social pressure" that makes us feel something is wrong with us. Thanks for normalising the issue!
I am so glad I found this :). I do have friends, but very few and kind of is slowly dying out and I can see that we are making an effort but things just changed. Which makes me sad, but I guess, it is what it is., I also found that things I am open about, others are not and it is hard to talk with people if you can't be completely honest and ready to examine it fully.
Exactly 🙏❤️
I love this video and I can relate…62 , retired and I’ve always viewed life as a journey and exploration. I’ve adapted the mantra or motto “I’d rather have four Quarters than 100 pennies…” to which I added the rest is just spare change.
I’ve always been one to ask questions lots of them, as it gives me a better idea of a particular situation. I’ve been called intense by people (especially when I was younger) who don’t really know me…now I’m the person friends call for advice.
My mother always told me…never lose your curiosity…question things and don’t accept things always at face value.
At this age, I’m not interested in BS…I’m always looking to fine tune my critical thinking skills.
We accept the love (and people/friendships) in our lives we feel we’re entitled to…
Good luck on your continuing journey…I look forward to hearing your stories…
Boy did this resonate with me. Since my husband and I made (and shared) the decision to move from the US to France I've been really examining my friendships differently. I've always been a "quality over quantity" person, but as I've aged, I've found that even those relationships are lacking in terms of fulfillment. As an HSP I crave deep, meaningful connection with those I'm in relationship with, and have such a hard time finding it - but I'm finally ok with that. It's liberating! Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, and for taking us along with you on this incredible journey of yours. Wishing you and your beautiful family all the best!!
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I don't agree or disagree about your take on friendships. You are happy with your life, having your family close to you.
But I would like to share something that might be maybe worth exploring. I used to be very rigid about my expectations from people around me. I was very fixed on how i would like them to show me they care. I wanted to talk about specific things, a specific way, my way.
I don't know how and when the change happened within me. But now I am able to see many ways people show me what i mean to them. I am more in tune to pick up their love language.
Other interesting thing i find is having different levels of friendships. I feel i am learning a new skill of remaining deep with one person, mastering a small talk with another or having a challenging conversation with someone i can talk extensively about one topic and having some topic off the table.
Yours is a much healthier outlook for friendship. Life changes it can not stay one way. Even within an immediate family there has to be growth.
Personally my idea of friendship is not placing expectations upon people. That makes it all the nicer when they make the effort to show care. And I do not go about trying to hold them to that standard.
My only true requirement of friendship is that they be God fearing.
@@darnagutter863 thank you for your comment. Not placing expectations is a good approach too and requirement of being God fearing highlights your deeper values.
I wish you all the best
Since my dad's passing in October, I've been taking this new path of self care and learning who I am and what I want. And, I'm doing it alone which is something I used to fear. I feel so much more peaceful these days. I am so happy to find this video and along with the comments, I see I'm not alone with this and that's comforting. Thank you.
Love hearing that 🙏❤️
I'm 50 and i still like friends of all types, deep or superficial - lets stop making everything so serious.
Couldn’t agree more. I have a small circle of close friends but not because I have some checklist people don’t meet. I subscribe to the approach of enjoying whomever passes in and out of your life, whether it be for a short time or not, whether it’s superficial or not. They may be there to teach you something, or for you to teach them something. Not everyone needs to be a soulmate friend. Lighten up!😂
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I Agree. 100%. This is the life I live and love. For so many of the very same reasons, thank you for sharing this.
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I'm 30, and hearing this genuinely wounded me (especially with many of the kindred souls in the comments). I find myself trending quickly towards the same sort of situation and trying to figure out how to stop it. Hearing this makes me want to shout at the world asking what the hell we're doing!
Is it our environment doing this to us, or it just natural to find yourself doing this?
... Either way I hate it. I don't want to be this way and I don't want anyone to accept that this is just the norm.
You are not the only one who feels this way.
I think in our thirties, we really are searching for authentic, deep friendships. You do you! After being married and post 50, lots of desires change, and that’s not wrong.
I feel bothered by it as well. I want deep friendships, I want community, but my many attempts to build those things have been in vain in the end. In the 80's and 90's it was pretty easy. I don't know if it was being younger or if it was because it was pre cell phones and social media. I definitely feel it has a lot to do with being able to meet so many of our needs via digital avenues. We no longer need to go to the library or the book store for a book, we can order food without interacting with a human, we can get a sense of interacting with others online, even though it isn't as fulfilling. So we get our needs partially met, enough that we aren't propelled by need to go out and interact, but we are not fulfilled. So we are left in this odd purgatory space where we aren't withering away but we aren't thriving.
Great information! I'm also a person that looks within. My therapist told me I should have 4 friends so I'm not too needy with any of them. I don't feel like I need that many. Or any. I did take a class at the senior center and ended up with two good friends. Thank you for this video. I feel calmer now about the friend thing. Nice to know other people feel the same.
Indeed 🙏😁
i’ve learned that in this modern era everyone can keep in touch with minimal effort. if they dont, it’s a choice.
Absolutely agree, it is their choice to ghost me. Done.
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I have been feeling the same as you for years now. To me it's a journey back to my soul to discover who I truly am. When I have to deal with a lot of people, it becomes a distraction. I still am friendly and kind to others, but I do prefer my alone time.
1%ers neither seek validation nor self importance. This was a refreshing watch/listen regarding a topic that 99% prefer to swerve, deny and decry. Naked truth is rare, thank you.
Thank you so much. 🙏😁
I totally agree and understand the sentiment. I believe friendships and relationships fluctuate over time and they are seasonal depending on situations and circumstances. They come and go. I too like my peace and solace and I’m not ashamed of the number of “true” friends I can count on one hand or less. My immediate family is everything to me and I cherish them above all.
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This guy is a perfeccionist. His definition of friendship is way too perfect, so people around will never meet his perfectionist standards. To have friends you don't need think too much and just accept them as they are with their unperfection. Accept it and be happy with that. Smile and have friends. Talk and smile to the people in the grocery store near home. I moved to live in Germany and left it after 15+ years because life without friends and friendly people around is worthless.
I agree . I moved from Scandinavia back to my homeland of Ireland , the most friendly country in the world and I am loving every minute of it . Life is about relationships and loving people
For you guys, sure. But keep it personal instead of universal; not everyone is the same.
@@ginadellgrottaglia6897 i did that but germans don't hesitate on being straightforward. Now I am also straightforward with that: living in rich but individualistic societies like north europe is worthless
Really Felipe??
One of the "issues" I have told my therapist is needing to find new friends. Actually, I'm not lonely at all, and have never felt like I "fit in" anywhere, no group, job or neighborhood, etc. I've said for several years that I like my company better than others'. I'd like a partner, but not enough to "settle".
So, this video has helped me a lot to stop feeling guilty that I don't have many friends left (moved away or passed away). I'm freed up to focus in what matters to me😁
Nice! 👏😁❤️