Thank you for this video! It’s wonderful to see you discussing attachment theory and how you are working through your processes. As a fellow ex-fundie who journals, I highly recommend the book (and workbook) “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern. It’s been incredibly helpful to me, especially the workbook. It’s gender and orientation friendly and also friendly to both monogamy and polyamory, but regardless of relationship preferences, the way it approaches attachment and relationships has been incredibly comforting to me. I just wanted to share it with you in case you might be interested in it. Best wishes to you on your path towards loving and accepting yourself and towards the secure life you create. ♥️
I’m on the last chapter of Polysecure and have found it so helpful!! Thank you for the suggestion. Pinning your comment so other people can check it out :)
@@ExFundieDiaries That’s so exciting!!! I’m so glad you are pinning this comment and encouraging others towards resources! I did exercise 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, and 1.5 using people that were in my life, my concept of “God,” and with my perception of “Journals” throughout my life. I compared how I felt about my family of origin, my former religion, and my beloved stacks of journals and my healthiest attachment was clearly with the journals. It’s because I did this adaptation of the exercises that I understood WHY I journaled so much, both in the past and at present.. Perhaps people who lack secure attachment use practices like journaling to create a secure relationship, even if it’s with a journal or a version of ourselves written on paper. I wanted to share this with you and anyone else who might come across this. It’s helped me to understand my narrative identity. If it can help anyone else, I’m happy to share.
I don't comment often on your videos but I watch them all. You are one of the bravest people I have ever "met". Thank you for sharing your life and all you have been through and are going through with us. You are helping countless "lost souls" who likely don't have a save space anywhere else. ❤❤❤❤
Thanks for sharing, Elly! I read a quote awhile ago on Twitter that I really liked (attributed to poet Sharon Olds but, you know, Twitter, so grain of salt on that) that goes “I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky.”
I'm almost 26 and a late bloomer as well. I've never dated and am struggling to start. Most of it is internalized from my religious upbringing. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel less alone in this. I no longer believe that I'm starting too late because that is just a made-up idea anyway ❤
I can relate to much of this! I went on my very first date ever at 30. Breaking through purity culture was a nightmare. I was taught i should only ever date one person...but how can you tell who you want to marry without dating! Eventually, i thought there was something wrong with me. I thought i was unloveable. Years of therapy and im in a much better place. I am in a great relationship - but even better, i dont actively hate myself.
Relatable. So difficult. The learning curve is so steep and not everyone is willing to deal with that. And that’s as a male, although the gay experience also presents special challenges. I can only imagine how hard it is for my fellow ex-fundies who are female. I am sending love to you and all who find themselves with this shared starting point. With the rest of our lives ahead, we have hope and patience and fortitude. Thank you for your content. It’s a sigh of relief.
I'm bi and also a very crushy person! I'm sorry you were shamed for that. I often crush out on new people I meet but it is usually a quick phase that fades.
I also struggle with anxious attachment. That combined with the fact I live in a largely fundamentalist red state as a woman has led me to the personal decision to just not date at all. But I'm not the people person you are. I relate to Whoopi Goldberg saying (of marriage, so not dating exactly) "I don't want somebody in my house." I love seeing how excited you are about people; it's so sweet and wholesome. I'm rooting for you!
As a fellow late-bloomer ex-fundie who is working through my fearful avoidant attachment style issues, I am rooting for the both of us! It was so comforting hearing how you are working towards healing that part of you, it gave me inspiration and hope. Thanks for posting!
You are so precious. The abuse of fundamentalism on young minds and it’s effect on developing healthy boundaries is so destructive. It’s a double-bind and creates so much anxiety. Keep moving forward. You’ll sort this out.
Good luck with dating. I never dated as a JW. And, now that I've been out for nearly two decades, I still don't have a clue what I'm doing. Somehow, I ended up getting married recently. I totally agree with the feeling of not knowing whether I'm liked. I get crushes frequently. I've been dealing with that since about the fourth grade. There's no way I can stop it from happening. I'm always afraid those feelings spill out of me and create problems for the people I'm around.
I'm ace and aro. Though I was raised outside the church entirely, for some reason in my pre-teen and young teen years I thought that having crushes was silly and immature, too. Your description of your experience of having your crushes repressed made me feel a twinge of guilt, even though I haven't felt that way about crushes since I was sixteen or so--and I'm now in my forties.
I wish I could express in detail on a public forum how much I relate to what you’re saying, but….regardless, we are on similar journeys, and I’m glad you’re experiencing this at 32 as opposed to 48. But ultimately it doesn’t matter. We’re here now. ❤
It's WONDERFUL to see you again, Elly!!! 😍😍😍 Moving back with parents is 'challenging,' no matter what the circumstances, so just do your best and be gentle with yourself (and probably your mom as well). Continued love and health!!! 💜💜💜
You look happy and healthy! So glad you are putting yourself out there and being gentle with yourself. Hope your living arrangement gets more peaceful.
So happy for you :) I'm 29 and a late bloomer too. Last month I downloaded a dating app for the first time and I had so much fun meeting people! but after a couple of weeks I ghosted everyone... yup, I lean towards avoidant attachment style and I'm also trying to work on that.
Dating is discovering others and yourself! It's always exciting in the beginning and then as time allows people being more themselves, you'll discover your needs, wants, and boundaries.
oh Elly, I've been thinking of you and missing your content; so it's great to see your post today, as each of your videos is such a gift! I can REALLY relate to much of what you have shared here! I too internalized the belief that crushes were shameful, and I prided myself on (mostly) not having them, because I felt crushes would make me weaker. I think I still hold -to some extent- this belief, and I 'guard my heart' to probably an unhealthy extreme. so I really admire your courage and vulnerability (I've been binging lots of Brene Brown lately, and she says you can't have courage without vulnerability) to put yourself out there and date. my last sexual (I won't say romantic because it wasn't very) relationship was 10 years ago, and that still doesn't feel too long! I think it's a really beautiful part of you that you have lots of crushes and can easily fall in love! and I hear you about befriending shame (I've been doing lots of work around this also). sometimes when I can't quite say I accept a part of me I feel lots of shame around, I say "I have compassion for..." and this is something I can always find in my heart for myself, no matter how badly I feel about some part of myself. I am cheering you on and celebrating your 'coming out' into the world, as your full, brave, and authentic self, religion free/ing)! I am endlessly inspired by your total honesty and commitment to show up here to be completely real with us. I agree that you are indeed a true 'people person', because by opening yourself to us, we come to love you, and feel connected to you, and in your sharing we can see ourselves! you are making the world a better place, just by being you; thank you!
Thank you for sharing Elly. I wasn't raised Fundie but still had a lot of sexual shame instilled in me with a controlling family. In my mid twenties I'm going to try a dating app for the first time.
I didn’t start dating until I was 28 because I was socially isolated by my abuser. That created problems for me because I didn’t know what to say or not to say to people especially when trying to flirt or ask them out. I also had abandonment issues at the time and I thought that I had to do anything to get people to like me and if I had to give up who I was just for someone to like me, I was ready to do it. I was very clingy without knowing it but I didn’t know any better and I thought that I had to do whatever it took to keep the other person happy enough to want me.
I also grew up fundie and married my ex at 20yo. When we divorced, I was 27 and I went wild in the dating scene. I’m glad that that’s calmed down and I am 30 now and have found the one I believe I’ll be with for the rest of my life ❤. I learned so much about myself through dating and through therapy and through the difficult years following divorce.
I turned 30 last week, so that's been a bundle of late bloomer anxiety for me to deal with - especially as I've watched my sister and one of my closest friends get married in the last two years. I've only had one relationship (which was mostly long distance and developed organically, not through dating), so I have little experience and find navigating the logistics/emotions/fears of dating very hard. I'm trying to convince myself to purchase a premium subscription to one of these stupid apps and make a commitment to trying harder to make connections, but... haven't pushed that button yet.
I was a late bloomer too, and a bit anxious about crushes, but more connected to sexuality and sensuality than romance. I can see how not being allowed to have crushes at all would be really damaging! Happy for you that you learn to love that about yourself. Good luck Ellie❤
I haven’t watched your videos in a while but today I remembered your channel. I just wanted to let you know that your videos triggered my deconstruction from Christianity and helped me a lot. It’s been over a year since I completely separated from everything and I’m so glad you’re videos existed back then. Thank you :)
This is such a beautiful thing that you're doing. It's very difficult so many times for people to overcome their previous socialization especially when it relies heavily on shame. I'm so glad that you are aware of your attachment styles, because awareness and experience is actually what protects us from harm not fear and avoidance as I'm sure you know. My heart goes out to folks in your past two probably were seeking to protect you from being taken advantage of by folks who makes you harm even if they were going about it in the wrong way. Good luck! Enjoy dating as much as you can. It can be a fun experience
I hope nothing ever changes your heart; we need more people like you. Thanks for having the courage to share your life and putting so much positivity and honesty in the world. And good luck in the dating scene!
This is just the kind of thing I needed right now. As a fellow ex-fundie late bloomer, I’m also having a hard time, currently being between relationships. A lot of these feelings of guilt are very relatable to me as well, although for me there’s also the complication of being a queer trans woman, which comes with its own challenges and feelings of shame (I’m not out to a lot of my family, honestly really dreading the prospect of doing so, also parents aren’t super accepting either).
thank you for sharing!!! its rough. i just found your channel, a suggestion on my homefeed! But, I'm Ex-fundie homeschooler who some how missed getting married young lol. my sibling did that one for me. but relationships have always been... weird. like as the oldest i was expected to get married and have kids, but also be my own person, but be godly and not of the world. to be a role model and do what god calls for me to do. which was to be a godfearing wife. it was lot. still is. it got me into one abusive situation after another. noe, a decade later, i hve a commited partner, and am gay, and trans, and am unmarried. its wild. but im glad to have found you! thank you so much for sharing. ✨✨
Never has one of your videos connected quite so perfectly with me. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear these thoughts at this point in time. I'm currently re-entering the world of dating for the first time in a long while, and there are some very similar things I am dealing with (esp as an autistic queer woman raised in fundamentalism). I judge myself a lot for how quickly I can develop feelings for people, etc. I still dunno how exactly to approach those parts of myself moving forward, but these thoughts you're sharing give me hope that there may be a solution I haven't been seeing. Maybe it's not about forcing myself to prescribe to arbitrary rules of behavior and can allow myself to be more honest about my feelings (somehow without scaring potential partners off lol), and accept how I relate to and interact with people. This gives me a lot to think about. Thanks again! 😊
I'm going through such a similar experience; I form attachments very quickly and have an anxious attachment style. I'm currently working through those issues as I'm finally dating polyamorously after a lifetime of monogamy. The anxious attachment style has led to some issues, but frankly I'm very grateful for polyamory, as it's forced me to confront those issues head-on rather than pushing them to the wayside
Let's go! Congratulations on getting out there, I'm sure it is A LOT. Make sure you stay focused on yourself first, and put yourself out there. Get crazy, get hurt, get sexy, get in love, get everything, you deserve it.
Thank you so much for sharing! I hope you're doing alright living with your mom again in the midst of all these changes. I'm genuinely so impressed by your strength and the amount of love you show yourself through your healing journey 💜
I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. I thought it would be smooth sailing once I came out, but it turns out that was only the first step in the process not the last one. 😭 Utterly exhausting. It feels like I have a new issue every day, but I know this a symptom of healing. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I'm rooting for you!
You being attracted to and loving multiple people is completely valid- as a polyamorous person, have you considered that you may be as well? So much of this video resonated with me, thank you for sharing yourself with the world. I will definitely check out the video on self-love and self-worth. I also have anxious attachment and am working through not needing external validation in order to “properly” function. I feel you in so many ways.
I'm so proud of you! This is all really hard. Thank you for bringing up attachment - I just discovered I have avoidant attachment, and that explains a LOT. Good for you!!!
You seem so happy talking about the people you like, so happy for you!! Also I've never related to anything more than when you checked to see who was home. Even as an adult, I think having zero privacy as a kid has made me super paranoid
You’re living with your mom!! Wow that is huge, how is it going? You look great! So happy for you and your new adventures. Also, question.. I thought being attracted to any and all genders made someone pan and that bi is just attraction to male and* female? I thought I was bi for a long time till I realized I like everyone haha. Always wishing you the best Elly!
The whole "bi means attraction only to 2 genders: man and woman" is an uncharitable newer definition made by exclusionists who think lgbtq+ people should fight each other instead of actual bigots. The old definition of bi is just anyone attracted to two or more genders, and there's many updated ones. There's been a lot of discourse about the minute differences between bi, pan, omni, and polysexual over the last decade or so. None of it makes much difference besides allowing people to harrass each other for allegedly using the wrong label. They are all good and fit different people. Two people with different labels could even experience attraction the exact same way, they just vibe with different labels or flags more. Point is: just use whatever label you vibe with and don't mind the way others define it so much. None of the labels I listed are transphobic or inherently exclude nonbinary people (though someone could identify with the labels and not be attracted to nonbinary people). Everyone is the expert on themselves.
When you were talking about having multiple crushes, I felt so heard. Even though I wasn’t raised in a fundamental Christian household, I am polyamorous and have and continue to work on the shame that comes with that. I hope the dating scene treats you so well ❤
Seeing your videos pop up in my notifications never fails to bring me joy. Even when the subject matter is pertaining to less-than-savory topics, your videos provide me with a great sense of comfort and solidarity. While I'm only 20 myself, I've done a great deal of deconstruction since I realized I was queer and genderfluid in my late teens. Thank you a thousand times over for being so open and willing to share your thoughts/experiences with the world, it means so much to me!
Related to the guard your heart verse, my fundie family/church actually didn’t use it that way. We used it more as a ‘don’t look at bad/immoral content or you are letting Satan into your heart’ kind of thing
Im polyamorous, demi/pan and an ex fundie and relate to your stories so much! I also just love getting to know people as they are, very much like what you're describing! I'm also looking into attachment theory currently and also trying to make sure I don't get sucker punched by NRE or an unhealthy codependency because it's too easy for me to fawn over others or immediately want to support my friends and partners. If you have anything to share about your experiences there I'd love to hear them! Also regarding what you call "reassurance" from others, do you think that could also be needing self/co- regulation from trauma/fawn response and emotional flashbacks? Have you looked into CPTSD and poly-vagal theory? I have CPTSD from the cultish fundie upbringing and things I called "emotions" were it turns out dysregulation/emotional flashbacks from CPTSD trauma from that upbringing and not what everyone experiences.
I'm so glad you shared this. As someone who is trying to figure out where shame is coming from and actively trying to deconstruct it, it's nice to know I'm not alone on my journey.
Oh I'm so glad to have a video from you today. You're seriously like the realest person on youtube and I do trust yr sincerity for sure. Anyway, I'm having pretty painful partner issues right now as well and it does make me feel better to see you centering yrself.
Thank you for sharing. Listening to you analyze your experiences helps me understand mine better and my feelings about them now. I definitely feel less alone knowing you are in the world. Thank you ❤
I love watching your videos - you have a gift for expressing very nuanced and complicated experiences (ones I can relate to!) in a very authentic and wholesome way. I was also a late bloomer (raised fundie too). Enjoy your journey of self-discovery and the adventures of dating!
I feel so seen. I always crushed a lot, I still crush a lot. I don’t really have a type and I’m bi. People just have the ability to be so beautiful to me. Anyway thank you for being brave enough to say something, I definitely feel less alone.
Thank you so much for your sharing. I am inspired by your thoughtfulness and honesty when confronting your traumatic bringing. You are amazing and I support you on your journey.
Hi Ellie! I have been watching your videos for a while and they have really helped me with coming to terms with some of my own personal experiences in my life. Thank you for sharing and being honest and open and true to yourself!!
I appreciate your videos, Elly. This really speaks to me as I'm navigating dating a woman for the first time. Also a poly situation over here. Thanks for being vulnerable. Many of your feelings are mine. You're not alone!
I was just thinking about you the other day and hoping you were doing well. Your determination to grow and understand yourself is admirable and we are all rooting for you. Life is hard, but it is not without it's beauty. 💚 much love from here.
I'm an ex fundie, bi person as well and I'm dating for the first time after the passing of my partner and this video is helpful. Feels good to know that others are going through similar things.😊
Thank you for this video! It makes me really happy to see something like this because I'm personally just beginning to date (technically as of a few months ago). While I can't say I identify with all of your points and experiences, I think I have a similar attachment style (with some avoidant sprinkled in for spice), and having grown up in a family where dating was not a thing and not had friends who dated, I have no idea what I'm doing or how to get to different points in a relationship/when those points are supposed to happen. To me, it feels a lot like driving on an unlit, unlined, twisty road at night with no signs. You know the road is there and you can kind of see the outline but all of the details are unclear and it would be super easy to accidentally drive off the side. It's kind of frustrating because it's unfair to ask a partner to lead the whole thing, but I also constantly have the feeling it's going to go horribly wrong if I try to direct any part of it.
So proud of you! It's been really cool seeing you make progress in accepting yourself over time. You and I come from very different backgrounds, but I too am an anxiously-attached polyamorous person. It's an odd experience! Best of luck
That old phrase, "there's no hate like Christian Love". The fear and shame they implanted in you to control your every move, word, thought, feeling... it's so cruel. It sits inside of "there's this bloke, Mr God, who loves you perfectly, and therefore wants you to love him perfectly (on pain of eternal torment), so it's important that you know you are sucky." I mean, way to hit every abuse trope right there. Be your wonderful, complete self. There doesn't need to be a God who sees your value in and of and in being yourself; us humans have each other for that ❤ (Also, dogs. Also, cats endure us, so we can take that as a compliment too!)
So this might sound cheesy, but on your ending statement that you can love/accept yourself AND work on a more secure attachment: when playing Improv if a suggestion is made on stage the response should be equivalent to "yes, and" meaning, you are in agreement about the situation/action, then you will add something more to the scene! I genuinely like to apply this to life situations when applicable. Yes I will do the hard thing, and then I will also do another. I hope this example makes sense 💛
Great video! Very relatable. I really admire your honesty and commitment to being true to yourself! It's hard out here. Sending love from a queer friend
I love your channel! Seeing you live so genuine with your heart on your sleeve inspires me to do the same. I always had a lot of crushes growing up too, and am bi. I can't imagine dating as an adult out of purity culture, even though i have the option as we are polyamorous. My husband and I were jws until a couple years ago, and he is the only person I've kissed etc.
I have intense attachment as well. It's not anxious, but when I find someone I'm super into, I'm 100% all in. I do take my time and spend myself carefully, but I am top-notch excited and I stay that way unless something disrupts that. And yeah I'd say I can tell if I'm going to be in love in love in a month or two. I'm super ashamed of it too-- in some circumstances. I'm avoidant type and dating an avoidant type, I usually choose anxious types because I need the other person to give me the constant validation that they want the relationship and because honestly I like reassuring people and giving people security etc. It's nice to see people getting more comfortable with themself and in a way need me less over time, but in a healthy way. You almost certainly have cptsd or borderline with a background like that. There are people that can't handle that because of access clash, basically-- their trauma issues trigger yrs and/or vice versa. But there are plenty of loving and stable people who are not afraid of someone wanting a lot of reassurance. If they love you they'll want you to feel safe and not fight you about feelings you can't help.
Great video! I just love and enjoy the people I'm with, I've only fallen in love twice, I never acted on either 😞. However, I have loved everyone I have been with. I'm poly so I can love more than one person. But of course, I am alone...still. Not so bad though.
You talk very clearly and openly and very engaging ❤ I think you could make your channel very successful and supplement your income or even BE your income down the track. Love to see you spend more time on videos and hopefully be financially rewarded. You have alot to share which can be so helpful ❤❤
I was rather surprised to hear that you're living with your mom again, I hope everything is alright. From everything that I've gathered from your videos it seems like she's a piece of work. However, she's your mom, and thats typically one of the strongest relationships that people have in their lives--As long as you're happy with the situation, then I'm happy with it too
You would love Maddie Dragsbaek dating content. She’s also super romantic and … just goals when it comes to being in love w/ yourself and others and all that good stuff
Thank you for this video! It’s wonderful to see you discussing attachment theory and how you are working through your processes. As a fellow ex-fundie who journals, I highly recommend the book (and workbook) “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern. It’s been incredibly helpful to me, especially the workbook. It’s gender and orientation friendly and also friendly to both monogamy and polyamory, but regardless of relationship preferences, the way it approaches attachment and relationships has been incredibly comforting to me. I just wanted to share it with you in case you might be interested in it. Best wishes to you on your path towards loving and accepting yourself and towards the secure life you create. ♥️
I’m on the last chapter of Polysecure and have found it so helpful!! Thank you for the suggestion. Pinning your comment so other people can check it out :)
@@ExFundieDiaries That’s so exciting!!! I’m so glad you are pinning this comment and encouraging others towards resources!
I did exercise 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, and 1.5 using people that were in my life, my concept of “God,” and with my perception of “Journals” throughout my life. I compared how I felt about my family of origin, my former religion, and my beloved stacks of journals and my healthiest attachment was clearly with the journals. It’s because I did this adaptation of the exercises that I understood WHY I journaled so much, both in the past and at present.. Perhaps people who lack secure attachment use practices like journaling to create a secure relationship, even if it’s with a journal or a version of ourselves written on paper. I wanted to share this with you and anyone else who might come across this. It’s helped me to understand my narrative identity. If it can help anyone else, I’m happy to share.
Came to the comments to recommend the same book 💕
I don't comment often on your videos but I watch them all. You are one of the bravest people I have ever "met". Thank you for sharing your life and all you have been through and are going through with us. You are helping countless "lost souls" who likely don't have a save space anywhere else. ❤❤❤❤
Thank you so much!!
❤ Yes you are amazing!
Thanks for sharing, Elly! I read a quote awhile ago on Twitter that I really liked (attributed to poet Sharon Olds but, you know, Twitter, so grain of salt on that) that goes “I was a late bloomer. But anyone who blooms at all, ever, is very lucky.”
Needed to read this quote. Thank you for sharing!
Oh wow. Thank you 🩷
I'm almost 26 and a late bloomer as well. I've never dated and am struggling to start. Most of it is internalized from my religious upbringing. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel less alone in this. I no longer believe that I'm starting too late because that is just a made-up idea anyway ❤
I’m so glad you’ve changed your mind! Definitely never too late :)
I can relate to much of this! I went on my very first date ever at 30. Breaking through purity culture was a nightmare. I was taught i should only ever date one person...but how can you tell who you want to marry without dating! Eventually, i thought there was something wrong with me. I thought i was unloveable. Years of therapy and im in a much better place. I am in a great relationship - but even better, i dont actively hate myself.
Relatable. So difficult. The learning curve is so steep and not everyone is willing to deal with that. And that’s as a male, although the gay experience also presents special challenges. I can only imagine how hard it is for my fellow ex-fundies who are female. I am sending love to you and all who find themselves with this shared starting point. With the rest of our lives ahead, we have hope and patience and fortitude.
Thank you for your content. It’s a sigh of relief.
I'm bi and also a very crushy person! I'm sorry you were shamed for that. I often crush out on new people I meet but it is usually a quick phase that fades.
Very proud of you!!!! Free!!!! Honest!!! Real!!! Human!!!
I also struggle with anxious attachment. That combined with the fact I live in a largely fundamentalist red state as a woman has led me to the personal decision to just not date at all. But I'm not the people person you are. I relate to Whoopi Goldberg saying (of marriage, so not dating exactly) "I don't want somebody in my house." I love seeing how excited you are about people; it's so sweet and wholesome. I'm rooting for you!
As a fellow late-bloomer ex-fundie who is working through my fearful avoidant attachment style issues, I am rooting for the both of us! It was so comforting hearing how you are working towards healing that part of you, it gave me inspiration and hope. Thanks for posting!
I’m rooting for you too!
You are so precious. The abuse of fundamentalism on young minds and it’s effect on developing healthy boundaries is so destructive. It’s a double-bind and creates so much anxiety. Keep moving forward. You’ll sort this out.
Good luck with dating. I never dated as a JW. And, now that I've been out for nearly two decades, I still don't have a clue what I'm doing. Somehow, I ended up getting married recently. I totally agree with the feeling of not knowing whether I'm liked.
I get crushes frequently. I've been dealing with that since about the fourth grade. There's no way I can stop it from happening. I'm always afraid those feelings spill out of me and create problems for the people I'm around.
Ex jw here too. The purity culture is real!
I'm ace and aro. Though I was raised outside the church entirely, for some reason in my pre-teen and young teen years I thought that having crushes was silly and immature, too. Your description of your experience of having your crushes repressed made me feel a twinge of guilt, even though I haven't felt that way about crushes since I was sixteen or so--and I'm now in my forties.
I have missed you! As always, I am in awe of your honesty and vulnerability.
You seem very confident right now 🙂
Thank you!!
I wish I could express in detail on a public forum how much I relate to what you’re saying, but….regardless, we are on similar journeys, and I’m glad you’re experiencing this at 32 as opposed to 48. But ultimately it doesn’t matter. We’re here now. ❤
It's WONDERFUL to see you again, Elly!!! 😍😍😍 Moving back with parents is 'challenging,' no matter what the circumstances, so just do your best and be gentle with yourself (and probably your mom as well). Continued love and health!!! 💜💜💜
I am so proud of you and your journey toward being your most authentic self!
Thank you!!
Good for you getting out there and dating! I hope you are okay at your mom's place. You got this. It's not easy but you got this
You look happy and healthy! So glad you are putting yourself out there and being gentle with yourself. Hope your living arrangement gets more peaceful.
Thank you!!
So happy for you :) I'm 29 and a late bloomer too. Last month I downloaded a dating app for the first time and I had so much fun meeting people! but after a couple of weeks I ghosted everyone... yup, I lean towards avoidant attachment style and I'm also trying to work on that.
How has it been living with your mom? Is it tense because of your different in beliefs? Did she ever divorce your dad?
Dating is discovering others and yourself! It's always exciting in the beginning and then as time allows people being more themselves, you'll discover your needs, wants, and boundaries.
oh Elly, I've been thinking of you and missing your content; so it's great to see your post today, as each of your videos is such a gift! I can REALLY relate to much of what you have shared here! I too internalized the belief that crushes were shameful, and I prided myself on (mostly) not having them, because I felt crushes would make me weaker. I think I still hold -to some extent- this belief, and I 'guard my heart' to probably an unhealthy extreme.
so I really admire your courage and vulnerability (I've been binging lots of Brene Brown lately, and she says you can't have courage without vulnerability) to put yourself out there and date. my last sexual (I won't say romantic because it wasn't very) relationship was 10 years ago, and that still doesn't feel too long!
I think it's a really beautiful part of you that you have lots of crushes and can easily fall in love! and I hear you about befriending shame (I've been doing lots of work around this also). sometimes when I can't quite say I accept a part of me I feel lots of shame around, I say "I have compassion for..." and this is something I can always find in my heart for myself, no matter how badly I feel about some part of myself.
I am cheering you on and celebrating your 'coming out' into the world, as your full, brave, and authentic self, religion free/ing)! I am endlessly inspired by your total honesty and commitment to show up here to be completely real with us. I agree that you are indeed a true 'people person', because by opening yourself to us, we come to love you, and feel connected to you, and in your sharing we can see ourselves!
you are making the world a better place, just by being you; thank you!
Thank you so much! This is so kind and means a lot :)
Thank you for sharing Elly. I wasn't raised Fundie but still had a lot of sexual shame instilled in me with a controlling family. In my mid twenties I'm going to try a dating app for the first time.
I didn’t start dating until I was 28 because I was socially isolated by my abuser. That created problems for me because I didn’t know what to say or not to say to people especially when trying to flirt or ask them out. I also had abandonment issues at the time and I thought that I had to do anything to get people to like me and if I had to give up who I was just for someone to like me, I was ready to do it. I was very clingy without knowing it but I didn’t know any better and I thought that I had to do whatever it took to keep the other person happy enough to want me.
I also grew up fundie and married my ex at 20yo. When we divorced, I was 27 and I went wild in the dating scene. I’m glad that that’s calmed down and I am 30 now and have found the one I believe I’ll be with for the rest of my life ❤. I learned so much about myself through dating and through therapy and through the difficult years following divorce.
I turned 30 last week, so that's been a bundle of late bloomer anxiety for me to deal with - especially as I've watched my sister and one of my closest friends get married in the last two years. I've only had one relationship (which was mostly long distance and developed organically, not through dating), so I have little experience and find navigating the logistics/emotions/fears of dating very hard.
I'm trying to convince myself to purchase a premium subscription to one of these stupid apps and make a commitment to trying harder to make connections, but... haven't pushed that button yet.
I was a late bloomer too, and a bit anxious about crushes, but more connected to sexuality and sensuality than romance. I can see how not being allowed to have crushes at all would be really damaging! Happy for you that you learn to love that about yourself. Good luck Ellie❤
I haven’t watched your videos in a while but today I remembered your channel. I just wanted to let you know that your videos triggered my deconstruction from Christianity and helped me a lot. It’s been over a year since I completely separated from everything and I’m so glad you’re videos existed back then. Thank you :)
This is such a beautiful thing that you're doing. It's very difficult so many times for people to overcome their previous socialization especially when it relies heavily on shame. I'm so glad that you are aware of your attachment styles, because awareness and experience is actually what protects us from harm not fear and avoidance as I'm sure you know. My heart goes out to folks in your past two probably were seeking to protect you from being taken advantage of by folks who makes you harm even if they were going about it in the wrong way. Good luck! Enjoy dating as much as you can. It can be a fun experience
Fellow anxious attachment here, really appreciated this video! Wishing you love and healing
I hope nothing ever changes your heart; we need more people like you. Thanks for having the courage to share your life and putting so much positivity and honesty in the world. And good luck in the dating scene!
This is just the kind of thing I needed right now. As a fellow ex-fundie late bloomer, I’m also having a hard time, currently being between relationships. A lot of these feelings of guilt are very relatable to me as well, although for me there’s also the complication of being a queer trans woman, which comes with its own challenges and feelings of shame (I’m not out to a lot of my family, honestly really dreading the prospect of doing so, also parents aren’t super accepting either).
thank you for sharing!!! its rough. i just found your channel, a suggestion on my homefeed! But, I'm Ex-fundie homeschooler who some how missed getting married young lol. my sibling did that one for me. but relationships have always been... weird. like as the oldest i was expected to get married and have kids, but also be my own person, but be godly and not of the world. to be a role model and do what god calls for me to do. which was to be a godfearing wife. it was lot. still is. it got me into one abusive situation after another. noe, a decade later, i hve a commited partner, and am gay, and trans, and am unmarried. its wild. but im glad to have found you! thank you so much for sharing. ✨✨
Never has one of your videos connected quite so perfectly with me. Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear these thoughts at this point in time. I'm currently re-entering the world of dating for the first time in a long while, and there are some very similar things I am dealing with (esp as an autistic queer woman raised in fundamentalism). I judge myself a lot for how quickly I can develop feelings for people, etc. I still dunno how exactly to approach those parts of myself moving forward, but these thoughts you're sharing give me hope that there may be a solution I haven't been seeing. Maybe it's not about forcing myself to prescribe to arbitrary rules of behavior and can allow myself to be more honest about my feelings (somehow without scaring potential partners off lol), and accept how I relate to and interact with people. This gives me a lot to think about. Thanks again! 😊
“This video is going to be a little bit rambley” is music to my ears! So glad to see you again!
Elly, thank you for putting that link to "Older than I Am" in your last video. It is now one of my favorite songs!
I'm going through such a similar experience; I form attachments very quickly and have an anxious attachment style. I'm currently working through those issues as I'm finally dating polyamorously after a lifetime of monogamy. The anxious attachment style has led to some issues, but frankly I'm very grateful for polyamory, as it's forced me to confront those issues head-on rather than pushing them to the wayside
I'm so happy that you are doing this and glad you are doing well. ❤
Let's go! Congratulations on getting out there, I'm sure it is A LOT. Make sure you stay focused on yourself first, and put yourself out there. Get crazy, get hurt, get sexy, get in love, get everything, you deserve it.
Its nice to see the exterior morph and change as you transform and accept yourself on the inside.
💚
Thank you so much for sharing! I hope you're doing alright living with your mom again in the midst of all these changes. I'm genuinely so impressed by your strength and the amount of love you show yourself through your healing journey 💜
I'm going through almost the exact same thing right now. I thought it would be smooth sailing once I came out, but it turns out that was only the first step in the process not the last one. 😭 Utterly exhausting. It feels like I have a new issue every day, but I know this a symptom of healing. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I'm rooting for you!
You being attracted to and loving multiple people is completely valid- as a polyamorous person, have you considered that you may be as well? So much of this video resonated with me, thank you for sharing yourself with the world. I will definitely check out the video on self-love and self-worth. I also have anxious attachment and am working through not needing external validation in order to “properly” function. I feel you in so many ways.
I always feel less alone when I watch your videos
I'm so proud of you! This is all really hard. Thank you for bringing up attachment - I just discovered I have avoidant attachment, and that explains a LOT. Good for you!!!
You look so excited :)
I am so happy for you!
I started dating after 45 years of strict christianity and 18 years of christian marriage. A lot of stuff came up for me too! Wishing you the best!
love you and your candor + vulnerability ❤
You seem so happy talking about the people you like, so happy for you!! Also I've never related to anything more than when you checked to see who was home. Even as an adult, I think having zero privacy as a kid has made me super paranoid
Your haircut is cute. 💇🏻♀️🙂
So excited for you! I haven't even finished watching but I'm so happy for you! Thank you for sharing ❤
so excited for a new video!! hope you're doing well ❤️❤️❤️
You’re living with your mom!! Wow that is huge, how is it going? You look great! So happy for you and your new adventures. Also, question.. I thought being attracted to any and all genders made someone pan and that bi is just attraction to male and* female? I thought I was bi for a long time till I realized I like everyone haha. Always wishing you the best Elly!
The whole "bi means attraction only to 2 genders: man and woman" is an uncharitable newer definition made by exclusionists who think lgbtq+ people should fight each other instead of actual bigots. The old definition of bi is just anyone attracted to two or more genders, and there's many updated ones. There's been a lot of discourse about the minute differences between bi, pan, omni, and polysexual over the last decade or so. None of it makes much difference besides allowing people to harrass each other for allegedly using the wrong label. They are all good and fit different people. Two people with different labels could even experience attraction the exact same way, they just vibe with different labels or flags more.
Point is: just use whatever label you vibe with and don't mind the way others define it so much. None of the labels I listed are transphobic or inherently exclude nonbinary people (though someone could identify with the labels and not be attracted to nonbinary people). Everyone is the expert on themselves.
@@thistle3 I love this answer and I appreciate it and you very much ✨
well said; thank you!@@thistle3
I identify as both bi and pan these days, but bi is always my favorite label and feels the most right for me :)
@@ExFundieDiaries you have my utmost respect and thank you for answering 💕
When you were talking about having multiple crushes, I felt so heard. Even though I wasn’t raised in a fundamental Christian household, I am polyamorous and have and continue to work on the shame that comes with that. I hope the dating scene treats you so well ❤
Seeing your videos pop up in my notifications never fails to bring me joy. Even when the subject matter is pertaining to less-than-savory topics, your videos provide me with a great sense of comfort and solidarity. While I'm only 20 myself, I've done a great deal of deconstruction since I realized I was queer and genderfluid in my late teens. Thank you a thousand times over for being so open and willing to share your thoughts/experiences with the world, it means so much to me!
I’m so glad to hear that!!
Related to the guard your heart verse, my fundie family/church actually didn’t use it that way. We used it more as a ‘don’t look at bad/immoral content or you are letting Satan into your heart’ kind of thing
glad to see you back!
Im polyamorous, demi/pan and an ex fundie and relate to your stories so much!
I also just love getting to know people as they are, very much like what you're describing!
I'm also looking into attachment theory currently and also trying to make sure I don't get sucker punched by NRE or an unhealthy codependency because it's too easy for me to fawn over others or immediately want to support my friends and partners.
If you have anything to share about your experiences there I'd love to hear them!
Also regarding what you call "reassurance" from others, do you think that could also be needing self/co- regulation from trauma/fawn response and emotional flashbacks? Have you looked into CPTSD and poly-vagal theory? I have CPTSD from the cultish fundie upbringing and things I called "emotions" were it turns out dysregulation/emotional flashbacks from CPTSD trauma from that upbringing and not what everyone experiences.
I'm so glad you shared this. As someone who is trying to figure out where shame is coming from and actively trying to deconstruct it, it's nice to know I'm not alone on my journey.
It is always good to hear from you. I hope living with your mom is goo well.
I hope all the best for you in your new endeavors! And yes, fundies use that verse for their sons too!
Thanks for sharing! Good to know we all got that horrible message 😅
Oh I'm so glad to have a video from you today. You're seriously like the realest person on youtube and I do trust yr sincerity for sure. Anyway, I'm having pretty painful partner issues right now as well and it does make me feel better to see you centering yrself.
Thank you for this video. I also feel the same in so many ways. This is a beautiful and difficult journey!
I have missed you! Thank you for posting a new video, it's lovely to listen to you again
Thank you for sharing. Listening to you analyze your experiences helps me understand mine better and my feelings about them now. I definitely feel less alone knowing you are in the world. Thank you ❤
You are doing just fine young lady! Don't forget to breathe, and try to not be so hard on yourself. Thank you for the new video!!
I love watching your videos - you have a gift for expressing very nuanced and complicated experiences (ones I can relate to!) in a very authentic and wholesome way. I was also a late bloomer (raised fundie too). Enjoy your journey of self-discovery and the adventures of dating!
I feel so seen. I always crushed a lot, I still crush a lot. I don’t really have a type and I’m bi. People just have the ability to be so beautiful to me. Anyway thank you for being brave enough to say something, I definitely feel less alone.
Thank you so much for your sharing. I am inspired by your thoughtfulness and honesty when confronting your traumatic bringing. You are amazing and I support you on your journey.
Hi Ellie! I have been watching your videos for a while and they have really helped me with coming to terms with some of my own personal experiences in my life. Thank you for sharing and being honest and open and true to yourself!!
I appreciate your videos, Elly. This really speaks to me as I'm navigating dating a woman for the first time. Also a poly situation over here. Thanks for being vulnerable. Many of your feelings are mine. You're not alone!
Wishing you all the best in that new experience!
People are amazing. 10/10. Highly recommend.
Thank you for being so honest and cultivating such a lovely corner of the internet with your videos.
So glad to see another video from you, I have been missing them
You go! I believe in your perseverance!
So good to see you. Keep moving forward. Keep being you. No shame.
I was just thinking about you the other day and hoping you were doing well.
Your determination to grow and understand yourself is admirable and we are all rooting for you. Life is hard, but it is not without it's beauty. 💚 much love from here.
I'm an ex fundie, bi person as well and I'm dating for the first time after the passing of my partner and this video is helpful.
Feels good to know that others are going through similar things.😊
Thanks for sharing! You seem really upbeat here, and it's great to see! I probably need to be thinking about my attachment styles as well...
You look so happy. Keep it going.
This is a huge step! I'm so glad you're giving it a shot.
So excited for a new video!!!
Thank you for this video! It makes me really happy to see something like this because I'm personally just beginning to date (technically as of a few months ago). While I can't say I identify with all of your points and experiences, I think I have a similar attachment style (with some avoidant sprinkled in for spice), and having grown up in a family where dating was not a thing and not had friends who dated, I have no idea what I'm doing or how to get to different points in a relationship/when those points are supposed to happen.
To me, it feels a lot like driving on an unlit, unlined, twisty road at night with no signs. You know the road is there and you can kind of see the outline but all of the details are unclear and it would be super easy to accidentally drive off the side. It's kind of frustrating because it's unfair to ask a partner to lead the whole thing, but I also constantly have the feeling it's going to go horribly wrong if I try to direct any part of it.
So proud of you!
Sending you love and virtual hugs as you're on this next step of your journey! I hope you're able to find a job you enjoy ☺️
So proud of you! It's been really cool seeing you make progress in accepting yourself over time. You and I come from very different backgrounds, but I too am an anxiously-attached polyamorous person. It's an odd experience! Best of luck
Thank you! Wishing you all the best too :)
I love your hair! Handsome look
That old phrase, "there's no hate like Christian Love".
The fear and shame they implanted in you to control your every move, word, thought, feeling... it's so cruel.
It sits inside of "there's this bloke, Mr God, who loves you perfectly, and therefore wants you to love him perfectly (on pain of eternal torment), so it's important that you know you are sucky." I mean, way to hit every abuse trope right there.
Be your wonderful, complete self. There doesn't need to be a God who sees your value in and of and in being yourself; us humans have each other for that ❤
(Also, dogs. Also, cats endure us, so we can take that as a compliment too!)
So this might sound cheesy, but on your ending statement that you can love/accept yourself AND work on a more secure attachment: when playing Improv if a suggestion is made on stage the response should be equivalent to "yes, and" meaning, you are in agreement about the situation/action, then you will add something more to the scene! I genuinely like to apply this to life situations when applicable. Yes I will do the hard thing, and then I will also do another. I hope this example makes sense 💛
Great video! Very relatable. I really admire your honesty and commitment to being true to yourself! It's hard out here. Sending love from a queer friend
I love your channel! Seeing you live so genuine with your heart on your sleeve inspires me to do the same. I always had a lot of crushes growing up too, and am bi. I can't imagine dating as an adult out of purity culture, even though i have the option as we are polyamorous. My husband and I were jws until a couple years ago, and he is the only person I've kissed etc.
You're just sooo amazing🧡
I have intense attachment as well. It's not anxious, but when I find someone I'm super into, I'm 100% all in. I do take my time and spend myself carefully, but I am top-notch excited and I stay that way unless something disrupts that.
And yeah I'd say I can tell if I'm going to be in love in love in a month or two. I'm super ashamed of it too-- in some circumstances. I'm avoidant type and dating an avoidant type, I usually choose anxious types because I need the other person to give me the constant validation that they want the relationship and because honestly I like reassuring people and giving people security etc. It's nice to see people getting more comfortable with themself and in a way need me less over time, but in a healthy way.
You almost certainly have cptsd or borderline with a background like that. There are people that can't handle that because of access clash, basically-- their trauma issues trigger yrs and/or vice versa. But there are plenty of loving and stable people who are not afraid of someone wanting a lot of reassurance. If they love you they'll want you to feel safe and not fight you about feelings you can't help.
And it's not morally wrong, at all.
Tell us more about what it's like living with your mom again.
Great video! I just love and enjoy the people I'm with, I've only fallen in love twice, I never acted on either 😞. However, I have loved everyone I have been with. I'm poly so I can love more than one person. But of course, I am alone...still. Not so bad though.
Thank you for this video. I relate (minus a lot of the religious portions) so much 😭
You talk very clearly and openly and very engaging ❤
I think you could make your channel very successful and supplement your income or even BE your income down the track. Love to see you spend more time on videos and hopefully be financially rewarded. You have alot to share which can be so helpful ❤❤
I was rather surprised to hear that you're living with your mom again, I hope everything is alright. From everything that I've gathered from your videos it seems like she's a piece of work. However, she's your mom, and thats typically one of the strongest relationships that people have in their lives--As long as you're happy with the situation, then I'm happy with it too
You would love Maddie Dragsbaek dating content. She’s also super romantic and … just goals when it comes to being in love w/ yourself and others and all that good stuff