A note on Josh Duggar’s arrest: [CW: Pedophilia; childhood sexual abuse] Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that this video was recorded before I knew about Josh’s arrest. Since finding out what the charges are this afternoon, I wanted to share a couple resources to help contextualize this within purity culture: Twitter thread by Jo Luehmann about how purity culture encourages pedophilia: twitter.com/joluehmann/status/1361693839098974210?s=21 “Purity Culture & White Supremacy” by Tori Williams Douglass with Alice Hamilton & Hailee Evelyn Greene: anchor.fm/toriglass/episodes/014-Purity-Culture--White-Supremacy-elkd27/a-a3lmlrj (The topic of pedophilia is addressed from 16:25-21:55. Please listen to the whole episode when you get a chance!) To any survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I believe you. I support you. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced.
Luehmann's thread helped connect some dots I've been working on recently. With the revelation of the extent and cover-up of sexual abuse in the southern baptist convention and recalling the plague of pedophilia and, again, cover-ups in the catholic church, I have been thinking that there must be something inherent in christianity or even organized religion generally that encourages this somehow and I think she hit the nail on the head. The intersection of shame, ignorance, and submission to authority makes children raised in even mainstream versions of American christianity particularly vulnerable.
24 years old, never able to have sex, never able to wear tampons, in pelvic floor therapy for Primary Vaginismus for two months now after growing up in Purity Culture, getting better. I appreciate this video and your channel. :)
Random share, you should look into the memstral cup. As I've gotten older pads and tampons caused a vicious cycle of yeast infections and allergy and discomfort. The cup has been very liberating. Everyone stay healthy and be well.
Thank you for speaking up about this. As a result of childhood experiences, I dealt with a mild vaginismus when I was married. Sex was painful, but not impossible. I was bullied and guilt tripped into it by my husband who would then berate me for not enjoying it. I knew something was wrong, but even when I went to my doctor all she did was tell me that it would get easier over time. Spoiler alert; it didn't. My ex became resentful, demeaning, controlling, and then finally physically a*usive. I didn't even find out there was a term for what I was experiencing until after my divorce. It has taken years to finally start to figure out who I am, and I am still on that journey. At least now I know that whatever the end result is, I have no reason to be ashamed and I don't need to justify myself to anyone.
And they say love your wife like you love yourself.🙄 He must not love himself very much...I am glad you are taking care of yourself now. Keep going on!🙂
It’s wild to hear you talk about your wedding night. It mirrors mine except my new spouse was not understanding and was instead filled with anger. I was so afraid of having sex and my new spouse said something along the lines of “you’ve made me wait all this time, I am not waiting anymore!” Some force was attempted but my muscles were apparently stronger and they gave up. This continued to our honeymoon where I ran off and sobbed in a bathroom and my new spouse was very resentful of me. We tried here and there to have sex but ended up giving up and got divorced after I finally allowed myself to consider divorce as an option. I have a very happy sex life with my current partner now but those early days were traumatic. Fuck purity culture!
lol my wife was a virgin on our wedding night, but I was not. I remember she was having difficulty "letting me in", and at that point I was just tired and wanted to go to sleep... then all of a sudden she was able to relax and we got it on. Been happily married for 15 years now
This is worth a second comment from me... Apologies for the length. My wife was brought up with an emphasis on purity culture, as was I. But i was not the "Above Rubies" extreme kind - more of the Dawson McAlister kind, where kissing before marriage was OK, and birth control (once married!) was not frowned upon. It's the kind of purity culture that was (is) marketed toward Christian children navigating public schools. She and I tried to take it seriously. However, once married, we found that we could not fully consummate. Unfortunately, due to a great deal of hesitancy and I suppose shame (?), despite my repeated suggestion that she see an OBGYN about it, it took her over four years to do so, at which point she was diagnosed with vaginismus. It was actually worse than just an inability to have intercourse - she couldn't even get a pap smear. (Like you, she could never do tampons either.) She actually ended up having exploratory surgery, at which point it was discovered that her hymen was particularly tough. It probably would have been able to stretch with appropriate "sex therapy" ahead of the operation, but she hadn't been open to that (less due to shame, more due to chronic shyness). During the surgery, her OBGYN cut her hymen in order to help relieve some of the tightness. (This was fine.) The OBGYN warned us that that was not the last hurdle. Due to the conditioning of over four years of reflexive resistance to intercourse, it would take several months of at-home therapy to get to the point that we could have intercourse. This involved getting a series of what can only be described as simple, smooth plastic dildos of various sizes, like nesting dolls. We were instructed as a couple to regularly practice inserting the smallest one for a couple of weeks until it was consistently comfortable, then the next size up, etc., until she was able to comfortably accept the largest size, which was - TMI alert - just a bit wider than me. At that point, just before our fifth wedding anniversary, we were finally able to have intercourse. My wife cried so hard with joy when that finally happened. "We can have a baby!" was her primary concern. Regardless, intercourse was never fully comfortable for her, so, like you and your husband, even to this day, I don't bother "going in". There's plenty of fun to be had that doesn't involve PIV, as you well know. :-) However, seven years into marriage, we did manage to conceive and have our son, who is now 16 years old. We also adopted a daughter a few years later. It should also be noted that after our son was born, my wife was diagnosed with PPD and full-blown anxiety. We now understand that a life of (relatively low-grade, up to then) anxiety had likely contributed both to her vaginismus as well as years of reluctance to see a doctor about it. (To this day, her blood pressure goes up 20+ points when she's in the doctor's office. Or even the dentist. Medical professionals call it "white coat hypertension". It's real. Google it. :-) ) It's been quite a journey, but here we are. :-)
Thank you very much for sharing. I suspect I have vaginismus due to severe anxiety (and, to a smaller degree, my asexuality), and it sounds like I am having a lot of similar struggles and emotions about it as your wife. I feel incredibly validated by what you have shared. Thank you, again ❤️
I'm familiar with that form of therapy. Those "dildos" are called dilators. Transgender women also use them after gender reassignment surgery to keep the new vaginal canal open and functional.
It makes me so happy to read that to the end and find you two still happily loving one another. I believed this was going to end with a divorce, as it so often does. I know it must have taken a lot of work, a lot of love, and a lot of devotion; I am so, so happy for you both.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m still a recovering ex-evangelical and thought my sexuality was broken for the majority of my life. After exiting a toxic church I’m now reclaiming my identity and sexuality. Still in love with Jesus, not so much with American religion.
I'm grateful for your openness when talking about these subjects- I experience/experienced a less severe case of vaginismus through college during my own personal exploration, most likely caused by a combination of purity culture and physical trauma from a bladder surgery at age 10, and it's so often that when i explain it people have never heard of it, even though so many women go through it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
My current partner dated a woman from a very traditional south Asian culture; her vaginismus was so severe, and her shame about it was so profound, that it impacted their relationship negatively enough that they ended up having to go their separate ways. I hope you've found full recovery. ❤️
Yeah, there’s just no way anyone could suddenly view sex as this wonderful thing the second they’re married, when it’s been hammered into them since childhood that PREmarital sex is dirty, immoral, and sinful! Our brains simply do not work that way, we can’t effectively compartmentalize like that, especially when the conditioning has been nonstop since childhood. THANK YOU for speaking out against this harmful culture!! Too many people have been made to feel like they’re dirty, or there’s “something wrong” with them when they inevitably cannot enjoy sex as adults!
Actually we can compartmentalize exactly that way. Humans have the highest level of self control of any other creatures on earth. We aren't slave to our animal instincts... and I hope most humans maintain that understanding!
@@ciara7172 Exactly this! It's also the reason why so many men hate women. Because growing up they keep hearing "stop crying like a girl, don't wear pink that's for girls, only girls play with dolls" etc. They are being put down and supressed their emotion by calling them "weak pussies", so they hate those atribute and in return, hate the one the atributes are asigned to. On top of which they are pressed by family and society to be straight and procreate. Sociaty still keeps failing with raising children and it's so saddening it doesn't change quick enough within younger generations.
I just can not to relate to these comments. Am beyond grateful I was not raised with religion, how horrible. These comments are horrific. I was never ever told sex was bad, only that it was a commitment, the disadvantages of teen pregnancy economically (this one was really hammered as to how much worse it made life) and proper testing for and prevention of STD’s. What kind of bonkersville did y’all live in that said sex was dirty or immoral etc etc Like I am so sorry you guys were so severely damaged by a cult but is there even an understanding as to how bat crazy these stories sound???
The "I have no expectations for tonight" reassurance your husband gave you got me really emotional, as someone who had trauma related to sex. My partner gave me reassurance like that during the process of healing from my trauma and adjusting my paradigm on sex, which had been skewed by abusive partners. I'm glad you had that support
So, I have never been married. But I had/have vaginismus to the point where I couldn’t even get a q-tip in my vagina. I finally went to sex therapy when I was 37. At the age of 39 I was able to have vaginal intercourse. Crazy. But a combination of purity culture and child SA twisted sex in my mind. As a child and teen I didn’t want to get married because people at the wedding would know you were about to have sex. I also never wanted to get pregnant because then everyone would know you had had sex. Crazy right.
>people at the wedding would know you were about to have sex Honestly I feel that way about having kids or being pregnant-- I don't want my entire family and male family members imagining me getting fucked 🤦🏼♀️
I have never seen anyone else mention the people knowing you had sex thing. That has ALWAYS been my fear since i learned what sex was, especially with pregnancy. Its not so bad now, like I’d like to get married and if i did i wouldnt be worried about that, but i still feel like when you’re pregnant, people will get a mental image of you doing it even if its just for one second and i hate that.
@@psychoPilgrim36 Think of it as like people knowing that you go to the toilet. Only a weirdo would spend time thinking much about that. Some things are private!
Nope. Not crazy at all. What the brain does to the body is incredible. Whether it gets mixed up or not. And therapy is wise. Even for a 51 year old like me, it's necessary. If I am bringing a man into my life, even if my kids and siblings are adults, I want that man to be able to have a good relationship with not only myself but them, too. I don't even care if the man is a retired priest at this point in my life. And I wouldn't care if he tried the seminary for a brief period of time either. Religion, money, and wanting kids: they are the top reasons that break ups happen and relationships end in divorce.
It is not crazy. I was raised Roman Catholic and I thought all the same things you did. Marriage and having babies was a sure way for people to know you were having sex.
Some of you may find this story amusing. My friend recounted growing up in a religious home and church with purity culture and sex shaming. She had no brothers and four sisters. She had so little sexual knowledge that on her wedding night she saw a man naked for the first time. She took one look at her naked husband and let out a loud shriek and ran into the bathroom. How's that for a honeymoon story?
Yes things like this do happen, but it is not mainstream Christian teaching/ experience. Several people made comments that they jettisoned their Christianity as well as the abuses of the purity culture. Ok that is their right, but I don't think it's necessarily the best way to deal with things. I don't know anyone who was raised in the purity culture and I do know that abusive husbands don't necessarily come from purity culture but just abusive upbringing.
You are so fortunate to have married such a wonderful and understanding man. Such a young marriage, steeped in purity culture -- the odds of marital happiness were against you but you seem to have married the right person for the job.
I can understand not having sex until you're married, but having your first kiss, and your first sex on the same day kind of lessens the specialness of both.
The most problematic for me is that the kiss is public. So creepy in my mind. Why not the first sex as well? Everyone would think that is horrifying but something as personal and intimate as your first kiss being on display to the community isn't. Makes no sense to me. Kissing at the ceremony is a relatively recent addition to the ceremony anyway. Like if you're forcing people to have their first kiss the same day as first sex let them at least be private and meaningful.
@@amberinthemist7912Even more problematic and creepy than that is that the parents openly announce afterwards to everyone that the kiss they witnessed was their very first. And yeah, like you said, they might as well just have their consummation be on full display in front of everyone as well. Maybe they could do a bedding ceremony like they do in the Game of Thrones universe?
Your husband sounds like such a respectful, caring person, I just want to give whoever raised him that way a firm handshake (be that parents or other influences). I'm so glad you've been able to gradually leave behind the toxic shame and oppressive belief system you grew up in, and thank you for being willing to share your personal experiences like this, I'm sure you're helping many people!
@caitlyncarvalho7637 Condoms. They protect from STD's and pregnancy if properly used. But they real issue with Purity culture, is not the concept of bounderies, which is perfectly fine, but the ignarance that it spreads about sexuality. Even though someone stays chaste, he/she has the right to be properly informed about sexuality. Mostly, Purity culture puts a worth on a person solely on his/her virginity status, especially girls and women. A human being, a Christian is way more than that.
I was listening to your video & suddenly remembered all the Above Rubies magazines I consumed as a teenager, & then my jaw dropped when you mentioned them too. My mom often read the stories to us. My parents also adored the Duggars. We didn’t even have cable, but we found their shows & watched them every week. My parents thought their model of courtship was great, which led to them making choices instead of me in my adult relationships, & this was the norm in the circles where I grew up. I was maid of honor in a wedding where my friend had not even held hands with her fiancé, due to her father’s wishes. Now, going through a deconstruction process, I’m questioning my sexuality, something that wasn’t a thought before last year, because I was so conditioned to only think one way. Your videos have been part of a healing process for me; it’s a welcome surprise to find someone whose experiences I can identify with. Thank you so much for everything you’ve put out for us to watch. Here’s to living without a bunch of shame & guilt hanging over us!
Hi Julia, thank you so much for this comment!! It is actually so helpful to hear that someone else read Above Rubies magazines growing up. I’ve only heard them mentioned one time before (on the Modesty Files podcast), but they were such a huge part of my life! I’m so sorry your parents made choices for you in your adult relationships. That is so frustrating and painful. I wish you all the best in your deconstruction process and in exploring your sexuality! I absolutely love your last sentence and totally agree!!! :)
I've never heard of Above Rubies magazine, but I did grow up in Purity Culture. My favorite Christian group was Children of the Day, from the 70s. It was made up of 2 newlywed couples. The band founder, Marcia Carter, wound up getting divorced because she discovered she is really a lesbian. Purity Culture tends to lead to a lot of mind contortion and denial. A woman at my church who had been prudish in high school confessed she was being molested by her brother the whole time.
Thankyou for sharing. We have 5 daughters. We raised them in stark contrast to your parents. It breaks my heart to hear these stories. People deserve better. I am happy you found your way.
FUCK PURITY CULTURE!!!!!!!!! Proud of you. Delighted to hear you married a wonderful person who was so gentle and understanding with you. That's one of my greatest fears as an asexual person who grew up in purity culture (I think I'm about two years older than you???) and still unlearning the shame associated with so much of it. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm in grad school and did a presentation on purity culture. I highlighted Above Rubies and The Duggars with the damaging effects on teen girls. I was exhausted for days because it's just horrible that this is still going on.
I wasn’t even raised religious and purity culture has negatively affected me and other women. It’s an archaic way of viewing women and impacts all of us. Excellent video. I’m so glad that you found your way out.
Wow...here I am, to tell you that you don't even have to be raised fundie for this to happen---all three years of my marriage hurt, even with a considerate spouse, just from the general trickle-down of culture--! You are brave, clear-headed, and wonderful for calling the BS. The other big reason for my vaginismus was, I was unconsciously gay in a straight culture, mostly because my body was more hip to the general walking insult to Womanhood that the patriarchy is; but also, I had a randomly violent father. So many reasons to shut down! Thx again for your courage, here's wishing the very best for you.
As someone who actually got pregnant on my wedding night (not intentionally, haha!) I can say without hesitation that it is NOT the ideal way to start a marriage...especially when you're fairly young, as I was! I'm sure many times it comes out fine, but it sure as heck makes things waaay more complicated and difficult.
Yes, I would tell any new couple to wait at least a year to have children. And, in this day and age don't have a lot of kids. Times are hard. Better to raise a few healthy, wholesome children than having a bunch of kids who turn out crazy. Also, I waited for marriage, and so glad I did.
@@sarahp.3772 I couldn't agree more! I mean, just to be clear, I'd never trade my beloved firstborn for anything...but it was SO incredibly hard to have a newborn within 9 months of being married. And, TBH, I still kind of feel like my ex-husband and I (we got married fairly young, after only being engaged for ~3 months) never really got to know each other before we suddenly had to transition from being newlyweds to being responsible parents in such a short time. I also agree with not having more kids than you can raise lovingly and give your full attention to! I've known quite a few people who grew up in families of 8-14 kids, and literally every single one of them grew up in really dire poverty, and always desperately wanted more personal attention than their parents were able to give to them. One of them even specifically said that she felt like she really missed out on her own childhood, because she had spent so much time raising her 8 younger siblings. (It's interesting to me that almost all of these people have chosen to have 1-3 kids themselves.) Lastly, I'm so happy to hear that you're happy with your decision to wait until marriage. I personally don't judge one way or another as being better than the other objectively...but what IS important to me is that people are happy and content with the choices they made for themselves! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for sharing all that stuff about Vaginismus. I knew that Vaginusmus created painful sex, but I had no clue that it could be caused by anxiety brought on through being indoctrinated with purity culture. I watched “Unorthodox” where the protagonist is raised in a Jewish cult with the same ideas about purity culture and she suffered from Vaginismus. I got really confused because I didn’t know that it was related to the cult. I thought, that’s a weird coincidence that she was raised in this cult AND her body is creating sexual pain for her. I also thought it odd how the cult’s resident gynecologist immediately knew all about Vaginismus. Yeah, your video connected a lot of dots for me. Lol
Thanks for sharing. I've mostly come to terms with being on the asexual spectrum. But growing up in the church and purity culture has and continues to be confusing in regards to asexuality. Lacking attraction and feeling mostly sex repulsed or sex neutral, it's still really hard sometimes to parse through how much of that is internalized shame and how much of that is actually just me
"it's still really hard sometimes to parse through how much of that is internalized shame and how much of that is actually just me" THIS IS HOW I FEEL TOO!!!! I didn't realize I was asexual until well into my thirties because I had so much shame around exploring my body. Proud of us for working towards healing, whatever that means for us. :)
Same here! The southern Baptist church messed me up for a long time. I didn’t come to realize my asexual identity until I was 24 because of the confusing feelings the church gave me, and the expectations of the church regarding my sexual behavior shaped me deep in my mind. I’m still working through it, but I’m doing great and love who I am. Hope you do too ✌️
I thought I was asexual, turns out I'm demisexual. But I'm still afraid of penetration, and it's partially due to my fear of pain, and partially due to the purity culture. I've never put in a tampon, and the one time I got a papsmear made me really uncomfortable. Thankfully, my boyfriend and I both orgasm through other sexual activities and he's patient and fine with waiting until I'm ready to try the real thing. I'm 23 years old and left the Mormon church last year
I've been suffering with Vaginismus for seven years and never even knew the condition (was a condition) and had a name. It was primarily purity culture guilt as I'd grown up Fundie too. My partner has remained loving, kind, and patient throughout all these years and we've made slow progress but nowhere near where I want to be. This video and the comments under it truly gives me hope that it's not just an issue with my body but that there's something I can do to help it. Its been so bad that until recently I couldn't even do the exam at a gynecologist but now I'm looking forward to my next visit to them so I can talk about vaginismus and pelvic therapy 🤞
Hello 💜 I had vaginismus as well and after years of trying to find treatment I found healing through The Women's Therapy Center in NY. They have a Facebook group called "Vaginismus, a private pain" and I would highly recommend you join! There is hope.
One main reason I won't go to the gyn. And also.. they checked me between contractions and it was more painful than the child itself. I tried telling them that in some way when they stupidly tried checking me again even though I was clearly minutes away from having my baby, but i could no longer speak anr was embarassed to try so I just refused a final check. Luckily they listened. Thanks for sharing your comment by the way
Thank you so much for speaking out about this. Especially for speaking about vaginismus so openly. Your descriptions of the tampons were so validating for me. Thank you for speaking out.
I remember a video series that was sent to my husband and me about a pastor couple, giving a lecture about „how to have a fulfilled sex life in marriage“ (was some years ago, idk how to find it anymore). It was essentially about men having a higher libido as women, so they demand an intercourse more often than their wifes actually want to. But due to scripture, the wifes should give in to these „requests“ as they have to obey (they referred it as „snack“ for a short intercourse, whereas the wifes get a „buffet“ when there is more time o_O). They covered it with a nice language but this was super cringey and opens the gates for abuse 😣 (sorry, English is not my first language)
Oh wow, that is SUPER cringey and definitely abusive. It's also totally false, because people have all different sex drives, regardless of gender. I'm really sorry someone sent you those videos. Thank you for sharing your experience!
@@ExFundieDiaries yeah, even my super indoctrinated self felt like something was wrong with these clips („consent“ was the word that I was looking for 😬). And it’s more weird when you find out years later, that you’re a part of the ace spectrum 😅 And every time I see a video like this, I have to think of the saying „“A Handmade‘s Tale“ was a warning, not a manual!“ Thank you so much for sharing your experiences ❤️
@@thehunthasbegun Yes, it’s a huge lack of consent! That’s cool you were able to notice that something was off, even back then. I imagine you probably have had a uniquely difficult experience with purity culture being on the ace spectrum. I’m glad you’ve been able to have some self-discovery. I haven’t read or seen The Handmaid’s Tale yet, but just seeing previews is enough to totally agree with you on that!!
Just sayin, in that same scriptural passage being referenced, it also says that men should give into their wives' wants because they need to satisfy *each other* and not just themselves. Buuuuuut people conveniently forget that part, because of course
Thank you for sharing your story. It may seem TMI to some but it is incredibly important for us to share our experiences even if it's tough. I had a lot of the same experiences when I first got married. I was actually not raised Christian but I became a Christian in my teens and went to an IFB church that heavily pushed purity culture. Then moved to a Southern Baptist church where my boyfriend (now husband) went. They also pushed purity culture and I even participated in that pushing by leading a Sunday School curriculum that was all about saving yourself for marriage and maintaining your purity. My boyfriend (now husband) and I kissed and even, GASP, made out before we got married but there was so much guilt and shame that we carried into our early married days. I had other trauma unrelated to religion that I carried in as well. I never had a diagnosis but I think I suffered from vaginismus as well. I am lucky that I also married an incredibly kind and caring man who didn't pressure me and slowly I healed from my trauma. I 100% agree with your statement of FUCK PURITY CULTURE.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jessica! I am really sorry that you were affected by purity culture in similar ways. At the same time, I am SO glad that you also ended up marrying a kind and caring man! That is truly so good to hear. I really appreciate your comment!!
I'm a man who also grew up in Christian fundamentalism. While purity culture was pressed particularly hard on girls, boys also got it too. We were to be virgins until our wedding day. Looking back I see how bizarre it was to be told that sex is dirty and shameful and that you shouldn't even THINK about it and then when your wedding night comes around you're supposed to be this uninhibited sexual dynamo. How messed up is that? I didn't abide by those rules and did have sex before marriage. But I felt very guilt ridden about it and couldn't really enjoy it. Honestly I felt ashamed to be naked in front of somebody else. It is taking me years to get over that conditioning. And it is still with me to some extent. I wish I was raised an atheist. Then I wouldn't have had these problems. So yeah, I despise purity culture too.
My "friend" (not anymore) freaked out on me for losing my virginity outside of marriage. She told me horrible things, including that being sexually assaulted was "no big deal" and I "must have wanted it" since I wasn't a virgin. I don't talk to her anymore.
I was physically assaulted and stalked for a month. My spiritual advisor accused me of provoking it. Ultimately, not only did I dump her, I dumped the religion altogether.
@@AuroraBoarder1 I dumped her for that and other offenses. Then I dumped the religion too. She went against my wishes and told my parents about my boyfriend (I would have told them when I felt it was the right time). She also accused me of trying to steal a woman's husband too, One little problem: me and that guy are non-compatible and we both know it. Yeah... she was a weird one
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! I grew up going to church and my parents weren't fundies. In fact, we're city living Democrats. I just had a baby and I think of how I want to raise her with faith, without pushing harmful ideas. We found a great Episcopal church that is LGBTQ affirming, pro-science, and very welcoming. I enjoy your videos, please keep sharing your story.
Your church sounds awesome! That's cool that you grew up with a non-fundie church experience and that you want to give your child a healthy and positive upbringing. Thanks for sharing!
I consider you to be one of the prides of woman kind. Your openness and candor when it comes to talking about difficult things is awe inspiring. Your daughter is in very good hands. Thank you for being so helpful towards others who so very much need it. Thank you for being you!
Holy shit…vaginismus as you described sounds like my experience. I never pursued a diagnosis because I’m asexual, aromantic, and want to be single for the rest of my life. I “failed” a Pap smear once because I was so freaked out that they couldn’t get a good…”sample” ew. Because I’m young and have no risk factors (like I’m not sexually active or have ever been) I don’t plan on trying for another one anytime soon. I don’t want to diagnose myself but because you brought this up I wanna at least look into it.
@@chrisantoniou4366 She said she wants to be single for the rest of her life and she's asexual and aromantic. It doesn't have much to do with vaginismus, absence of diagnosis or lack of expérience.
Thank you for being vulnerable and posting this! I also grew up in Purity Culture and had vaginismus. I suffered in silence for years, feeling broken and hopeless. I actually found a treatment center in NY in my early 30s called Women's Therapy Center and went through the program and was cured. To anyone struggling with this, please know you can have total freedom. It is a horrible condition to live with and you deserve to be whole!
Thank you so much for talking about this. I didn't grow up in purity culture but it did dominate my hometown churches and was so toxic. Among so many other things, it took away the privacy of children who were expected to announce their sexual decisions in front of dozens or even hundreds of other people, wear jewelry or other accessories signalling those decisions to the world, etc. How could anyone think this is okay?
I’m so glad that you still have your journals and whatnot from that time and are open to sharing their contents. I trashed all that kind of stuff & now have a hard time getting back into my mindset during those times, so I really like the fact that you’re able to read exactly what you were thinking.
I am glad you spoke about this. One of the first times I had sex with my now husband I started having a panic attack which ended into a bawling/sobbing seccion while intimate which is a symptom of something much worse. I wanted. And felt like I deserved this intimacy with him and then felt such strong shame even when there was no need for it. I worked hard to be healthier since then.
I am an ex-Protestant, turned agnostic, turned Orthodox. Your diary entry is revealing. There is a focus on the wedding as a form of evangelism. This is the core problem with Evangelicalism, they teach you to constantly obsess about your image, your influence and your witness, as if they are training everyone to be salespeople. I am so glad I left that behind. Prayers for your continued healing from that mindset.
I'm so glad I found your channel! I deeply appreciate your candidness and your willingness to share your experience. While I wasn't raised in a Christian context, I do have lots of experience with high-demand religion and sexual abuse, which has led me to develop severe vaginismus. My wife is an absolute gem, her patience and kindness have been crucial to my recovery. Thank you for sharing your journey with your viewers!
What a loving young man. This message needs to be passed on to all young people. What a horrible thing for any young couple to face...and it's completely preventable. My heart hurts for you. Thank goodness you were able to overcome this hurdle.
I was raised quite similarly. Homeschooled with two pastor parents. Thank you for sharing your story. I recently came out as agnostic, and it has been a hugely emotional process. You are amazing.
I have such a deep appreciation for the calm and objective approach you take in discussing the way you were raised and how you have been growing forward through your trauma. I admire the way you deconstruct the harmful fundamentalist ideals your parents instilled in your formative years while finding ways to affirm your overall faith in new, healthy, loving ways. Furthermore, it is so precious to see people like yourself standing calmly and firmly in their resolve to heal and calling out things you know are wrong without screaming rhetoric and spewing hate at the top of their lungs. Finally, I am so very happy for you and your husband to be walking this path of love and healing together! That, is what a true a blessing looks like 💜
You are so wonderful and brave in sharing your personal experiences with Christian fundamentalism. I commend your efforts to shed light on problems that many other women are undoubtedly facing. Cheers to you!! ❤️
omg... this was so unbelievably relatable.. I didnt wait until marriage, but I waited until 24 and I met the right person for me. I had the same problem as you and it took us months for my body to stop shaking and freaking out. I even went to a gyno and found out the same as you. My boyfriend was so patient with me as I cried and as my body shaped uncontrollably any time he touched me for like... 2 months. It was a horrible experience and if I had the wrong person, it wouldn't have been a disaster...
You are an angel! So many need to here this video. Focus on the family was just coming out when I was just getting married. Thank God, my mother told me the truth about my body( how to respect myself and how to expect respect from my husband). I think about how blessed I was/am to have such a forward thinking mom, while being raised within the Pentecostal religion. Virginity wasn’t the end all be all of your wedding, and exploring your own body wasn’t discouraged. In the middle of such religious insanity, how was I blessed with such a lovely mom. Even with that blessing, I was still damaged by the religion I was brought up in. I grappled with gilt and shame, wondering why my mom taught one thing, when every other message was something else. Even though I found peace with these things long ago. I was surprised at how many feelings of rage welled up in me.
Another thing that REALLY bothers me, as a former comparative religion scholar who focused on Hebrew scripture (aka "the New Testament" to Christians) is the way that so many Christian fundies blatantly ignore the *fact* that Hebrew scripture was written by and for the Jewish people, in the context of ancient near eastern literature and poetry. They consistently- to the point it's hard to believe that it's unintentional- ignore such context as translation, (Hint: it's written in Hebrew, not King James English!) cultural, regional, geographic, linguistic and religious factors, historic political factors, and the reality that much of it was written in a deliberately poetic form...these are facts that even the most fundie Jew will immediately admit to, and why even those super-fundie Jews will find the concept of taking Hebrew scripture "literally" to be downright laughable. This is also the reason that even most ultra-orthodox fundie Jews encourage girls and women to get educations (up to graduate and postgraduate) and to work outside the home, and why they also consider it to be a woman's choice (not some divine "womb opening") when to marry and how many children she can handle. Birth control and abortion are NOT 100% forbidden in Hebrew scripture, which is why they've never been forbidden even in the most fundie sects of Judaism! It blows my mind, as a former scholar, that these verses and Hebrew scripture in general can be interpreted in such shamelessly discordant ways from the original intent! Now, to be clear, I'm not AT ALL saying that these Jewish fundie communities or Hebrew scripture overall are somehow wonderful for women or even close to anything like that...but the reality is that when the verses in question are read in proper contexts, the outcome is VERY different to what fundie Christian groups end up preaching! TL;DR- bona fide Hebrew and Torah scholars who are reading the verses in the context and language in which they were intended will say unhesitatingly that the "Above Rubies" verses were praising a wife who was a savvy, educated businesswoman, who worked outside the home, who made major financial and life decisions WITHOUT being subject to the constant "headship" of her husband. They praise a woman who independently and confidently buys and sells real estate, manages farms and labor disputes, and is generally a major influence on her community...NOT a baby-voiced, submissive, meek homebody who stayed home weaving, having endless babies and thinking of ways to please her master/husband. Biblical Hebrew is darned hard to learn, and even harder to read when it's written in a format that's riddled with poetic license and artistic tricks such as acrostic verses! It does not make the slightest bit of sense to me that a deity would sanctify a centuries old, politically motivated English translation as the One True Version...does this mean that the Deity made mistakes in dictating the original Hebrew, and needed King James et al to correct Its errors? Sorry, but that just doesn't make sense to me. What does make sense to me is that hebrew scripture is a lovely, unique, masterfully written insight into the mostly-lost world of ancient near eastern culture, literature and poetry...and to read it that way, i.e. the way in which it was intended to be read!
@@truthliberty5695 Neither of those books are part of the Torah and Tanakh, so I'm not sure what you're getting at. Sorry! I studied Hebrew (and some Christian) scripture, and only very little apocrypha. If you could clarify,I'd be very grateful! Thanks! ☺️
@@maneckineckbeard1749 Enoch, Jasher, Jubilees are not Apocrypha, they are Dead Sea Scrolls... which contains the rest of the Old Testament you mentioned. They are very much part of the pre-Christ era of Jewish believe, hands down no questions asked. And if they detail the rest of accounts like the one in Genesis 6, giving a wholesale account why certain things are wicked, I'd be inclined to believe them, especially since some early Jewish believers saw fit to record them. Apocrypha really just implies pseudapigraphia (I didn't spell it right sorry) which means a false thing written in someone else's name to make it seem legitimate when it is not. The account of Enoch in particular is written in some very ancient, Hebrew-relevant script, and across the Biblical account it's been inferred that the Enochian tradition (writings) were passed down through Noah, ergo it survived the Flood, being written down after the Deluge and passed along... which is why it makes it into the Dead Sea Scrolls. I take it to mean that it is scripture for sure, irrespective of humanist opinion from whatever post-Vatican council, being it pre-exists them. According to the account, angels taught abortion.
Oh girl! I can definitely relate to this! Been processing religious trauma based on sexual shame for years! Still recovering from Christian cultish upbringing! Thank you so much for sharing! I can tell you’ve done a lot of work around this & much research! Good for you!
No one is denying the abuse and trauma that come out of "cult-like" churches and purity culture. "Fundie" is a derogatory term for people who believe in the fundamentals of the faith. That does not mean that they embrace purity culture or demand that the husband is to be a tyrannical leader over his submissive wife. The verse goes on to say that the husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church. I guarantee you that if the husband did that there would not be the abuse and tyranny we witness today in many marriages. I'm just saying "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater".
It's tragically ironic that Josh Duggar is back in the news, having been arrested for .. bad stuff. I don't wanna jump to the conclusion that Purity Culture caused Josh Duggar to become what he became, but, Purity Culture certainly didn't help anybody. In my experience, trusting God to "heal" one's sexuality is anti-helpful. I hope you've been able to find some healing since then. And again, I gotta give *huge* props to your husband for being so actively understanding and respectful. A true King.
Hi Jack! Personally, I do think that purity culture at least contributed to what Josh became (I pinned a comment about it above with some resources if you're interested.) That being said, he is of course accountable for his own actions, no matter how he was raised or what negatively affected him. I am glad that he is receiving some consequences. Thanks so much for your kind words about my husband! I will pass along the message to him :)
Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that Josh Duggar himself isn't responsible for his own actions. That's kind of a tricky balance .. how to hold someone accountable while also acknowledging that a culture can breed and enable bad behavior.
well it does not help that his mom and wife are defending those actions and that he is the golden child of the family its especially hypocritical when the mom did a recording that was anti trans in nature and that allowing trans women into womens bathrooms will allow them to harm kids
I just found your channel and I'm already hitting that subscribe button! I live in Mexico City and I'm not very religious at all, but still appreciated your honesty and these candid discussions, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. And props to your husband who seems like a very kind and compassionate gentleman, I hope you both have long, healthy and happy lives.
I ended up having a premarital sexual relationship, and I found out that I couldn't "get it up". I'm so happy that I discovered that before marriage instead of on my wedding night. Now I'm in a relationship with the woman I want to marry, and we've established a fulfilling and exciting sexual relationship. I'm glad I gave up purity culture before getting married.
I cannot get enough of your channel. I am an atheist who was raised in an abusive Christian household and even after being free of religion for nearly two decades, your videos give me life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story openly. I grew up in a church that promoted purity culture and it took a long time to lose the guilt and shame that came with it. It is brave of you to put this out there to shed light on this.
Hi, thankyou for sharing your story. I'm suffering with vaginismus and it feels really isolating, especially when my partner, though never pressuring me in anyway, cannot fully understand what it feels like both emotionally and physically. I'm young and went to the doctor but she didnt really take me seriously, i think due to my age. it feels really validating to hear someone i have watched for a while and really respect and look up to talk about this issues and getting past them and how you felt many of the things i feel, in terms of feeling like a dissapointment and not fufilling your role as a wife (or in my case partner). thankyou for sharing your story, its so important for people to talk about these issues so that they know that theyre not alone.
I've been looking for a video like this for *years*. I have been married 7 years and still unable to have intercourse without great pain and difficulty due to vaginismus- which is due to the deep shame and detachment from my body that I still fight with that I got from purity culture
I'm really in awe of how candid you are with everything. Things many people would hide or feel ashamed over you just say right out in public. I think it's important that we both speak about and listen to this stuff though, it helps us all learn, grow, and know we're not alone.
I'm so, so sorry that you were forced to suffer through such a terrible mental, emotional and physical ordeal. But I'm also SO grateful that you're courageous enough to share your experiences in order to educate and help others. I wish you nothing but all the best life has to offer from now on...please consider me a new sub! ❤️❤️❤️
Finding this video means the world to me. I’ve struggled with vaginismus my whole life in relation to tampons and gyno visits. I’m really lucky to be a lesbian in that I’ve always just explained to my partners not to do penetration and it was never a big deal. One day, I need to get up the courage to go to a gynecologist to actually get it assessed because I think there is some damage from a SA many years ago. Thank you for this video, people have no idea how common and also how difficult vaginismus can be
As an AFAB aromantic person (someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction), but is pansexual, purity culture culture is really rough. Everyone assumes that AMAB people are supposed to be the hyper sexual ones, while AFAB people are expected to be focused on romance and being in a committed relationship. But as someone who is the opposite, I totally break their norm. It was pretty rough growing up with the sexual guilt as a fundamentalist Christian, but I’m glad I fully understand myself now and don’t try to force myself into relationships I’m unhappy with and feel indifferent about.
Just discovering your channel. I love your content so far and I’m looking forward to watching more of your videos. I’m ex-Pentecostal and currently a liberated Christian. Lots of what you say is very validating, after growing up in the Christian life and having some mental health issues now because of it. Thanks for sharing your experiences
I also ended up with vaginismus due to extreme purity culture and religious shaming. It's a long road with lots of doctors and therapy. Thank you for talking about this, it has made me feel much less alone in it.
Purity culture is so damaging. Thank you for sharing your story! It can be so scary to move from abstinence only to a healthy sexual ethic. Vaginismus also needs to be talked about more! I’ve had clients be diagnosed with this but never had a doctor mention this to them before as a medical possibility and instead gave suggestions like, have a glass of wine first.
My parents aren’t out right fundamentalists but I did grow up in a very strict family and purity felt like it was the most important thing to preserve. I was internally skeptical about this as a young person but faced a lot of guilt and shame as I considered this topic and what it meant. What ended up happening is that I had sex with someone I shouldn’t have because I wanted to throw my virginity away. I wanted to be valued for my own inherent worth and my own actions rather than my whole value being place on something I was born with, and from what I could tell imagined. Great video ! Thank you for sharing! The bad information you got from the blog just broke my heart. I’m so grateful to be out of that world now.
I'm so glad I was raised without religion (besides Sunday school and baptism at 5, upon my grandmother's request). I'm so glad I missed all the misogyny and don't have to do too much deprogramming now.
These videos are wonderful. I just hope you are helping others see just how unhealthy their upbringing is. I’m very glad you are married to someone who is kind and who treats you with respect. I’m sure there is so much sexual abuse, both physical and emotional, happening to so many due to purity culture. I just wish that we, as a society, had more control over this type of fundamentalist abuse, but it is so insidious. Because it’s religion it’s left alone. It’s just not right. So glad you found. your way out.
Just had to add: if behavioral science stands for "BS," then what do the people who say that think that "Bible study" stand for? Teeheehee😅😅😅 But seriously - I'm just so, so happy to hear that you married someone safe and supportive. Sending you all the best, and looking forward to seeing more of your awesome content! ❤️❤️❤️
This is just another amazing honest video. I've been binge watching you and had no idea you were/are married. Gotta keep watching I guess!! Keep it up!
Thank you for being open and honest. It is so amazing to have a husband who is open to discussing things we are so often taught to suppress or are taught is shameful. This kind of culture is truly disgusting and harmful. I wish more people would see how awful it is.
I'm learning so much from your channel. I'm sorry that you went through this experience. I'm happy that you're able to help others who are on the fence and newly coming out. It's definitely got to be a difficult experience, and it's nice finding others who went through it to help understand. I love your diary entries. It makes me wish I had journaled as a kid. It would be nice to read my thoughts then as an adult now.
Just had to add: if behavioral science stands for "BS," then what do the people who say that think that "Bible study" stand for? Teeheehee😅😅😅 But seriously - I'm just so, so happy to hear that you married someone safe and supportive. Sending you all the best! ❤️❤️❤️
I remember freaking out and calling my parents when I woke up from a nap and my younger sister had her boyfriend in her room with the door locked. Fast forward until today and they’re married with a baby.
thank you so much for doing a video on this! its really interesting and helpful to hear the perspective of someone who ended up getting married while still believing all that. i stopped believing no kissing/sex outside of marriage before i started my first relationship but mild vaginismus is still a problem for me. it's really great to hear someone talk about this from the experience of having vaginismus. i wish it was more talked about especially in ex religious (or honestly religious as well) circles. its so hard to talk about because of the ingrained shame from purity culture. not being able to 'properly' give my partner sex or 'enough' sex or whatever other bs makes me somehow less? obviously bullshit but that is so hard to unlearn.
This is incredibly common within religious circles. Even after leaving a Christian cult. I struggled with Vaginismus for over a decade after marriage. However I was cured after getting vaginal botox. Literally it was that simple for me. One series of shots down there and my vagina was normal again. I used lidocaine with dilators two weeks after the shots and my body responded incredibly well. I wish more people knew that this was a possibility and that botox itself covers the cost.
Wasn't raised in what I'd call "fundie" culture, but I did grow up very southern baptist. I just want to say, from one ex-christian to another, I hope you're able to continue unlearning the harmful narratives you were raised in and building a life for yourself that is fulfilling and shame-free. I know how insidious the "Christian guilt" can be when taking charge of your own life and body, and I'm still trying to recover, too. Much love
I’m catholic and have vaginismus. I haven’t been able to consummate my 3 year marriage because my insides feel like I am being torn apart. We are on sex therapy but hearing i would be a whore if I had premarital sex really traumatized me and I feel like not being able to have sex makes me a broken Person
Focus on the family is disgusting... I was also raised on and in this abusive crap. My mom and most extended family members, still have many books, videos, etc in their homes to this day. Thanks for helping me feel a little less alone.
Parent: "I love you too much to argue with you " Child: "but mom I'm hungry and want to get pretzels from the pantry." Parent: "I love you too much to argue with you."
I’ve listened to some of your videos. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced these things. I also hope that you understand these things were extreme. I grew up in a conservative Christian household but with NONE of the same experiences as you had. My parents encouraged questions, study, open discussions and individuality. Sex was not a taboo subject, disagreeing theologically was okay, etc. Your experience may not be the common Christian experience for a lot of people. The danger of exposing cults without distinguishing between the cult behavior and faith is that it can drive someone away from one thing straight into another. In other words, I know a few people who were in Christian cults who left but ran right into the arms of new age cults where they seem just as oppressed just in a different way. They thought Christian faith was the problem not the Cult. Now they’ve left Christianity but are now just in another cult. It’s really important to recognize and understand the markers and characteristics of Cults as they can be dressed up in all different kinds of religiosity or lifestyles.
Well, there is something in between in people's "christian" upbringing's. I just dealt with a lying, fake christian, married man who I had known in high school. Married for decades, lied about being separated-lied about so much. But I know enough about his childhood, and observed (and suffered from) his religious sexual shame. It became very obvious-and it was hurtful and rejectful to me. I am not a believer, but my open mind, pre-Rod, has been slammed shut after him. He just drips indoctrination, but tried so hard to hide that from me. I saw the signs, and was a victim of what he was put through as a child. Was his family part of a "cult?" Oh, I more than see how this "christian" upbringing ruins people. It's stories like his that makes me view most religions as "cults." You were "lucky?" My nephew was raised like you, and I applaud his parents. But in the wrong mindset, this stuff ruins people forever.
Well, the channel is called ‘Ex-Fundie Diaries’, so it’s specifically about fundamentalist Christianity. Fundamentalism means that it’s based on a strict and literal interpretation of religious text. Obviously, not every version of Christianity (or any other religion) is also fundamentalist in nature- as happily it sounds like yours was not. Unfortunately, fundamentalist views on Christianity are just as prevalent now as ever and as you stated, getting out of one fundamentalist cult does not remove the indoctrination the person was brought up with. Fully deprogramming often takes years of work and sometimes what happens instead is the loss of one set of beliefs merely leaves a hole waiting to be filled with the “answers” provided by another religious cult. But honestly, religion as a general concept creates a wide birth for cult-like behavior. To the point that the difference between cult-ish behavior and simple belief is merely one of degrees. You can say, THIS version of Christianity is fine because it’s moderate and kind whereas this OTHER version of Christianity is extreme, and therefore not a true representation of the religion as a whole. And that sounds all fine and good until you consider that they have the same roots…the backbone of both versions of faith is sprung from the same seed. Those extreme versions blooming at the ends are part of the same plant as the reasonable and more moderate branches that came before them. You can cut the extremists off, maybe, but if the plant, I.e. the religion, continues to grow for long enough you’ll just get more of them, and this applies to other faith-based beliefs as well, obviously. Ultimately, I feel like telling someone that their experiences were the extreme version but that other versions are ‘good, actually’ is missing the point. It’s like telling someone allergic to dandelions that they can live happily by just trimming the weed down so it never blossoms when the real way to breathe freely is to just pull the damn thing out by the roots.
Conservative Christian women experience beginnings at a rate of 22%, with 7% experiencing it to the degree that penetration is impossible. That is research. That is fact. See The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Wray Gregoire. So, no, it isn't just fundamentalist, extreme purity culture that causes this. Regular, old, run-of-the-mill evangelicalism and its gender theology have a huge part to play and a lot to answer for.
I didn’t grow up in a fundamentalist church. But prevalent attitudes such as slut shaming and my mother saying don’t lay down with boys, still resulted in shame regarding sex. It’s sad that so many women feel this way.
1:20 wow, what brilliant insight to connect these things. Thankyou!!!! I kind of feel part of the reason this anti-gospel has been pushed has been specifically due to infiltration and syncretisation in large chunks of the church with those very forces of oppression, misogyny, racism etc., but I'd never heard the connection made so clearly before and thankyou!
I just found your channel today and I about spit out my coffee when you mentioned above rubies! I worked for Nancy back in the summer of 2006 when I was 18 yr old, I'm now an atheist and mom of a trans child. 💕 I'm so thankful I don't follow their lies anymore.
I love your channel! You are so kind and your videos are clear and easy to understand. I’ve recently deconstructed my Christian faith. My daughter is 15 and I don’t want to pass on all of the shame and baggage that I have around sex, my body, poor boundaries etc.
Purity culture never felt entirely right to me. I didn’t end up following that and went back and forth for a long time. Also having lived with a man who was toxic I don’t regret living with someone before marriage either something my parents still dislike. But i do think it can be good to live with someone for a while before you decide rather or not to marry is not a bad idea. You know a person much better when you live with them and if it’s a good person great , if it’s a toxic person or not able to live together it’s much better to know that before getting married.
The problem is that the statistics don't bear that out. Religious questions aside, if you look at the data that's been collected on that, marriages that began as a cohabitation don't last. Most of them fail. Couples that don't do that have a better chance of going the distance. I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, but it's worth researching.
A note on Josh Duggar’s arrest:
[CW: Pedophilia; childhood sexual abuse]
Hey everyone, I just wanted to let you know that this video was recorded before I knew about Josh’s arrest. Since finding out what the charges are this afternoon, I wanted to share a couple resources to help contextualize this within purity culture:
Twitter thread by Jo Luehmann about how purity culture encourages pedophilia: twitter.com/joluehmann/status/1361693839098974210?s=21
“Purity Culture & White Supremacy” by Tori Williams Douglass with Alice Hamilton & Hailee Evelyn Greene: anchor.fm/toriglass/episodes/014-Purity-Culture--White-Supremacy-elkd27/a-a3lmlrj (The topic of pedophilia is addressed from 16:25-21:55. Please listen to the whole episode when you get a chance!)
To any survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I believe you. I support you. I’m so sorry for what you have experienced.
Thank you
❤️
Luehmann's thread helped connect some dots I've been working on recently. With the revelation of the extent and cover-up of sexual abuse in the southern baptist convention and recalling the plague of pedophilia and, again, cover-ups in the catholic church, I have been thinking that there must be something inherent in christianity or even organized religion generally that encourages this somehow and I think she hit the nail on the head. The intersection of shame, ignorance, and submission to authority makes children raised in even mainstream versions of American christianity particularly vulnerable.
❤️🙏
@@jeremypatrick5678 Yes, unfortunately.😔
24 years old, never able to have sex, never able to wear tampons, in pelvic floor therapy for Primary Vaginismus for two months now after growing up in Purity Culture, getting better. I appreciate this video and your channel. :)
I'm so glad to hear the therapy is helping and that you're getting better. Thank you for sharing!
I never even thought of therapy for this. I have to check it out. Thanks💜
also 24yo ans never have been able to wear tampons!! yaay!! grew up as muslim, working on it now
I was in the same boat, Amy. 10 years later, I have two kids and plenty of tampons. My PT changed my life! So grateful to her.
Random share, you should look into the memstral cup. As I've gotten older pads and tampons caused a vicious cycle of yeast infections and allergy and discomfort. The cup has been very liberating.
Everyone stay healthy and be well.
Thank you for speaking up about this. As a result of childhood experiences, I dealt with a mild vaginismus when I was married. Sex was painful, but not impossible. I was bullied and guilt tripped into it by my husband who would then berate me for not enjoying it. I knew something was wrong, but even when I went to my doctor all she did was tell me that it would get easier over time. Spoiler alert; it didn't. My ex became resentful, demeaning, controlling, and then finally physically a*usive. I didn't even find out there was a term for what I was experiencing until after my divorce. It has taken years to finally start to figure out who I am, and I am still on that journey. At least now I know that whatever the end result is, I have no reason to be ashamed and I don't need to justify myself to anyone.
I'm grateful you got a divorce. I don't know how much guilt, shame, and rejection you endured because of it. Are you seeing a doctor?
❤️✊
My ex was the same way, though we didn't marry. I have often wondered if that's reason enough to break up. Now, I know the answer is YES.
And they say love your wife like you love yourself.🙄 He must not love himself very much...I am glad you are taking care of yourself now. Keep going on!🙂
It’s wild to hear you talk about your wedding night. It mirrors mine except my new spouse was not understanding and was instead filled with anger. I was so afraid of having sex and my new spouse said something along the lines of “you’ve made me wait all this time, I am not waiting anymore!” Some force was attempted but my muscles were apparently stronger and they gave up. This continued to our honeymoon where I ran off and sobbed in a bathroom and my new spouse was very resentful of me. We tried here and there to have sex but ended up giving up and got divorced after I finally allowed myself to consider divorce as an option. I have a very happy sex life with my current partner now but those early days were traumatic. Fuck purity culture!
Thats so horrible. I am so sorry for you!!! I wish you much healing
My ex was the same way, though we didn't marry. I have often wondered if that's reason enough to break up. Now, I know the answer is YES.
lol my wife was a virgin on our wedding night, but I was not. I remember she was having difficulty "letting me in", and at that point I was just tired and wanted to go to sleep... then all of a sudden she was able to relax and we got it on. Been happily married for 15 years now
@@shaunsteele8244 I have the same fear has your wife😏
@@oluwabunmiayodele1873 ah don't worry... just find a guy with patience and a sense of humor
This is worth a second comment from me... Apologies for the length.
My wife was brought up with an emphasis on purity culture, as was I. But i was not the "Above Rubies" extreme kind - more of the Dawson McAlister kind, where kissing before marriage was OK, and birth control (once married!) was not frowned upon. It's the kind of purity culture that was (is) marketed toward Christian children navigating public schools. She and I tried to take it seriously. However, once married, we found that we could not fully consummate.
Unfortunately, due to a great deal of hesitancy and I suppose shame (?), despite my repeated suggestion that she see an OBGYN about it, it took her over four years to do so, at which point she was diagnosed with vaginismus. It was actually worse than just an inability to have intercourse - she couldn't even get a pap smear. (Like you, she could never do tampons either.)
She actually ended up having exploratory surgery, at which point it was discovered that her hymen was particularly tough. It probably would have been able to stretch with appropriate "sex therapy" ahead of the operation, but she hadn't been open to that (less due to shame, more due to chronic shyness). During the surgery, her OBGYN cut her hymen in order to help relieve some of the tightness. (This was fine.)
The OBGYN warned us that that was not the last hurdle. Due to the conditioning of over four years of reflexive resistance to intercourse, it would take several months of at-home therapy to get to the point that we could have intercourse. This involved getting a series of what can only be described as simple, smooth plastic dildos of various sizes, like nesting dolls. We were instructed as a couple to regularly practice inserting the smallest one for a couple of weeks until it was consistently comfortable, then the next size up, etc., until she was able to comfortably accept the largest size, which was - TMI alert - just a bit wider than me. At that point, just before our fifth wedding anniversary, we were finally able to have intercourse.
My wife cried so hard with joy when that finally happened. "We can have a baby!" was her primary concern.
Regardless, intercourse was never fully comfortable for her, so, like you and your husband, even to this day, I don't bother "going in". There's plenty of fun to be had that doesn't involve PIV, as you well know. :-) However, seven years into marriage, we did manage to conceive and have our son, who is now 16 years old. We also adopted a daughter a few years later.
It should also be noted that after our son was born, my wife was diagnosed with PPD and full-blown anxiety. We now understand that a life of (relatively low-grade, up to then) anxiety had likely contributed both to her vaginismus as well as years of reluctance to see a doctor about it. (To this day, her blood pressure goes up 20+ points when she's in the doctor's office. Or even the dentist. Medical professionals call it "white coat hypertension". It's real. Google it. :-) )
It's been quite a journey, but here we are. :-)
Thank you very much for sharing. I suspect I have vaginismus due to severe anxiety (and, to a smaller degree, my asexuality), and it sounds like I am having a lot of similar struggles and emotions about it as your wife. I feel incredibly validated by what you have shared. Thank you, again ❤️
I'm familiar with that form of therapy. Those "dildos" are called dilators. Transgender women also use them after gender reassignment surgery to keep the new vaginal canal open and functional.
I'm happy for your family. Thank you for sharing. I've learned a lot today.
You are an extremely loving and caring husband. Your wife is lucky to have you.
It makes me so happy to read that to the end and find you two still happily loving one another. I believed this was going to end with a divorce, as it so often does. I know it must have taken a lot of work, a lot of love, and a lot of devotion; I am so, so happy for you both.
Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m still a recovering ex-evangelical and thought my sexuality was broken for the majority of my life. After exiting a toxic church I’m now reclaiming my identity and sexuality. Still in love with Jesus, not so much with American religion.
❤️
Middle eastern religion is worst.
I'm grateful for your openness when talking about these subjects- I experience/experienced a less severe case of vaginismus through college during my own personal exploration, most likely caused by a combination of purity culture and physical trauma from a bladder surgery at age 10, and it's so often that when i explain it people have never heard of it, even though so many women go through it. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Absolutely! I’m so sorry you’ve experienced it too.
My current partner dated a woman from a very traditional south Asian culture; her vaginismus was so severe, and her shame about it was so profound, that it impacted their relationship negatively enough that they ended up having to go their separate ways.
I hope you've found full recovery. ❤️
Yeah, there’s just no way anyone could suddenly view sex as this wonderful thing the second they’re married, when it’s been hammered into them since childhood that PREmarital sex is dirty, immoral, and sinful!
Our brains simply do not work that way, we can’t effectively compartmentalize like that, especially when the conditioning has been nonstop since childhood.
THANK YOU for speaking out against this harmful culture!!
Too many people have been made to feel like they’re dirty, or there’s “something wrong” with them when they inevitably cannot enjoy sex as adults!
Actually we can compartmentalize exactly that way. Humans have the highest level of self control of any other creatures on earth. We aren't slave to our animal instincts... and I hope most humans maintain that understanding!
@@SuperSpeedyToo It's not a conscious decision women make. It happens due to unconscious biases.
@@ciara7172 Exactly this!
It's also the reason why so many men hate women. Because growing up they keep hearing "stop crying like a girl, don't wear pink that's for girls, only girls play with dolls" etc. They are being put down and supressed their emotion by calling them "weak pussies", so they hate those atribute and in return, hate the one the atributes are asigned to. On top of which they are pressed by family and society to be straight and procreate.
Sociaty still keeps failing with raising children and it's so saddening it doesn't change quick enough within younger generations.
@@ciara7172 True.
I just can not to relate to these comments. Am beyond grateful I was not raised with religion, how horrible. These comments are horrific. I was never ever told sex was bad, only that it was a commitment, the disadvantages of teen pregnancy economically (this one was really hammered as to how much worse it made life) and proper testing for and prevention of STD’s.
What kind of bonkersville did y’all live in that said sex was dirty or immoral etc etc
Like I am so sorry you guys were so severely damaged by a cult but is there even an understanding as to how bat crazy these stories sound???
The "I have no expectations for tonight" reassurance your husband gave you got me really emotional, as someone who had trauma related to sex. My partner gave me reassurance like that during the process of healing from my trauma and adjusting my paradigm on sex, which had been skewed by abusive partners.
I'm glad you had that support
So, I have never been married. But I had/have vaginismus to the point where I couldn’t even get a q-tip in my vagina. I finally went to sex therapy when I was 37. At the age of 39 I was able to have vaginal intercourse. Crazy. But a combination of purity culture and child SA twisted sex in my mind. As a child and teen I didn’t want to get married because people at the wedding would know you were about to have sex. I also never wanted to get pregnant because then everyone would know you had had sex. Crazy right.
>people at the wedding would know you were about to have sex
Honestly I feel that way about having kids or being pregnant-- I don't want my entire family and male family members imagining me getting fucked 🤦🏼♀️
I have never seen anyone else mention the people knowing you had sex thing. That has ALWAYS been my fear since i learned what sex was, especially with pregnancy. Its not so bad now, like I’d like to get married and if i did i wouldnt be worried about that, but i still feel like when you’re pregnant, people will get a mental image of you doing it even if its just for one second and i hate that.
@@psychoPilgrim36 Think of it as like people knowing that you go to the toilet. Only a weirdo would spend time thinking much about that. Some things are private!
Nope. Not crazy at all. What the brain does to the body is incredible. Whether it gets mixed up or not. And therapy is wise. Even for a 51 year old like me, it's necessary. If I am bringing a man into my life, even if my kids and siblings are adults, I want that man to be able to have a good relationship with not only myself but them, too. I don't even care if the man is a retired priest at this point in my life. And I wouldn't care if he tried the seminary for a brief period of time either. Religion, money, and wanting kids: they are the top reasons that break ups happen and relationships end in divorce.
It is not crazy. I was raised Roman Catholic and I thought all the same things you did. Marriage and having babies was a sure way for people to know you were having sex.
Some of you may find this story amusing. My friend recounted growing up in a religious home and church with purity culture and sex shaming. She had no brothers and four sisters. She had so little sexual knowledge that on her wedding night she saw a man naked for the first time. She took one look at her naked husband and let out a loud shriek and ran into the bathroom. How's that for a honeymoon story?
Ewww!😨 Poor lady, poor man!
Ewww! 😨 Poor lady, poor man!!!
Yes things like this do happen, but it is not mainstream Christian teaching/ experience. Several people made comments that they jettisoned their Christianity as well as the abuses of the purity culture. Ok that is their right, but I don't think it's necessarily the best way to deal with things. I don't know anyone who was raised in the purity culture and I do know that abusive husbands don't necessarily come from purity culture but just abusive upbringing.
@@Anthony-yy3kc Purity culture is necessarily abusive.
@Lindsay Gill I hope your either trolling or mixed up your words.
You are so fortunate to have married such a wonderful and understanding man. Such a young marriage, steeped in purity culture -- the odds of marital happiness were against you but you seem to have married the right person for the job.
I can understand not having sex until you're married, but having your first kiss, and your first sex on the same day kind of lessens the specialness of both.
I totally agree
The most problematic for me is that the kiss is public. So creepy in my mind. Why not the first sex as well? Everyone would think that is horrifying but something as personal and intimate as your first kiss being on display to the community isn't. Makes no sense to me. Kissing at the ceremony is a relatively recent addition to the ceremony anyway.
Like if you're forcing people to have their first kiss the same day as first sex let them at least be private and meaningful.
@@amberinthemist7912 Yes.
@@amberinthemist7912Even more problematic and creepy than that is that the parents openly announce afterwards to everyone that the kiss they witnessed was their very first. And yeah, like you said, they might as well just have their consummation be on full display in front of everyone as well. Maybe they could do a bedding ceremony like they do in the Game of Thrones universe?
It seems completely abnormal. How would you even know if you were compatible? Whether or not there was any chemistry between you two?
Your husband sounds like such a respectful, caring person, I just want to give whoever raised him that way a firm handshake (be that parents or other influences). I'm so glad you've been able to gradually leave behind the toxic shame and oppressive belief system you grew up in, and thank you for being willing to share your personal experiences like this, I'm sure you're helping many people!
Yes.🙂
@caitlyncarvalho7637 Condoms. They protect from STD's and pregnancy if properly used. But they real issue with Purity culture, is not the concept of bounderies, which is perfectly fine, but the ignarance that it spreads about sexuality. Even though someone stays chaste, he/she has the right to be properly informed about sexuality. Mostly, Purity culture puts a worth on a person solely on his/her virginity status, especially girls and women. A human being, a Christian is way more than that.
I was listening to your video & suddenly remembered all the Above Rubies magazines I consumed as a teenager, & then my jaw dropped when you mentioned them too. My mom often read the stories to us.
My parents also adored the Duggars. We didn’t even have cable, but we found their shows & watched them every week. My parents thought their model of courtship was great, which led to them making choices instead of me in my adult relationships, & this was the norm in the circles where I grew up. I was maid of honor in a wedding where my friend had not even held hands with her fiancé, due to her father’s wishes.
Now, going through a deconstruction process, I’m questioning my sexuality, something that wasn’t a thought before last year, because I was so conditioned to only think one way. Your videos have been part of a healing process for me; it’s a welcome surprise to find someone whose experiences I can identify with. Thank you so much for everything you’ve put out for us to watch. Here’s to living without a bunch of shame & guilt hanging over us!
Hi Julia, thank you so much for this comment!! It is actually so helpful to hear that someone else read Above Rubies magazines growing up. I’ve only heard them mentioned one time before (on the Modesty Files podcast), but they were such a huge part of my life!
I’m so sorry your parents made choices for you in your adult relationships. That is so frustrating and painful.
I wish you all the best in your deconstruction process and in exploring your sexuality! I absolutely love your last sentence and totally agree!!! :)
I've never heard of Above Rubies magazine, but I did grow up in Purity Culture. My favorite Christian group was Children of the Day, from the 70s. It was made up of 2 newlywed couples. The band founder, Marcia Carter, wound up getting divorced because she discovered she is really a lesbian.
Purity Culture tends to lead to a lot of mind contortion and denial. A woman at my church who had been prudish in high school confessed she was being molested by her brother the whole time.
Thankyou for sharing. We have 5 daughters. We raised them in stark contrast to your parents. It breaks my heart to hear these stories.
People deserve better.
I am happy you found your way.
FUCK PURITY CULTURE!!!!!!!!! Proud of you. Delighted to hear you married a wonderful person who was so gentle and understanding with you. That's one of my greatest fears as an asexual person who grew up in purity culture (I think I'm about two years older than you???) and still unlearning the shame associated with so much of it. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm in grad school and did a presentation on purity culture. I highlighted Above Rubies and The Duggars with the damaging effects on teen girls. I was exhausted for days because it's just horrible that this is still going on.
Ewww!😨🤢
I wasn’t even raised religious and purity culture has negatively affected me and other women. It’s an archaic way of viewing women and impacts all of us. Excellent video. I’m so glad that you found your way out.
Wow...here I am, to tell you that you don't even have to be raised fundie for this to happen---all three years of my marriage hurt, even with a considerate spouse, just from the general trickle-down of culture--! You are brave, clear-headed, and wonderful for calling the BS. The other big reason for my vaginismus was, I was unconsciously gay in a straight culture, mostly because my body was more hip to the general walking insult to Womanhood that the patriarchy is; but also, I had a randomly violent father. So many reasons to shut down! Thx again for your courage, here's wishing the very best for you.
As someone who actually got pregnant on my wedding night (not intentionally, haha!) I can say without hesitation that it is NOT the ideal way to start a marriage...especially when you're fairly young, as I was!
I'm sure many times it comes out fine, but it sure as heck makes things waaay more complicated and difficult.
Yes, I would tell any new couple to wait at least a year to have children. And, in this day and age don't have a lot of kids. Times are hard. Better to raise a few healthy, wholesome children than having a bunch of kids who turn out crazy. Also, I waited for marriage, and so glad I did.
@@sarahp.3772 I couldn't agree more! I mean, just to be clear, I'd never trade my beloved firstborn for anything...but it was SO incredibly hard to have a newborn within 9 months of being married. And, TBH, I still kind of feel like my ex-husband and I (we got married fairly young, after only being engaged for ~3 months) never really got to know each other before we suddenly had to transition from being newlyweds to being responsible parents in such a short time.
I also agree with not having more kids than you can raise lovingly and give your full attention to! I've known quite a few people who grew up in families of 8-14 kids, and literally every single one of them grew up in really dire poverty, and always desperately wanted more personal attention than their parents were able to give to them. One of them even specifically said that she felt like she really missed out on her own childhood, because she had spent so much time raising her 8 younger siblings. (It's interesting to me that almost all of these people have chosen to have 1-3 kids themselves.)
Lastly, I'm so happy to hear that you're happy with your decision to wait until marriage. I personally don't judge one way or another as being better than the other objectively...but what IS important to me is that people are happy and content with the choices they made for themselves! ❤️❤️❤️
@@maneckineckbeard1749 Yes
Thank you so much for sharing all that stuff about Vaginismus. I knew that Vaginusmus created painful sex, but I had no clue that it could be caused by anxiety brought on through being indoctrinated with purity culture. I watched “Unorthodox” where the protagonist is raised in a Jewish cult with the same ideas about purity culture and she suffered from Vaginismus. I got really confused because I didn’t know that it was related to the cult. I thought, that’s a weird coincidence that she was raised in this cult AND her body is creating sexual pain for her. I also thought it odd how the cult’s resident gynecologist immediately knew all about Vaginismus. Yeah, your video connected a lot of dots for me. Lol
Thanks for sharing. I've mostly come to terms with being on the asexual spectrum. But growing up in the church and purity culture has and continues to be confusing in regards to asexuality. Lacking attraction and feeling mostly sex repulsed or sex neutral, it's still really hard sometimes to parse through how much of that is internalized shame and how much of that is actually just me
"it's still really hard sometimes to parse through how much of that is internalized shame and how much of that is actually just me" THIS IS HOW I FEEL TOO!!!! I didn't realize I was asexual until well into my thirties because I had so much shame around exploring my body. Proud of us for working towards healing, whatever that means for us. :)
Same here! The southern Baptist church messed me up for a long time. I didn’t come to realize my asexual identity until I was 24 because of the confusing feelings the church gave me, and the expectations of the church regarding my sexual behavior shaped me deep in my mind. I’m still working through it, but I’m doing great and love who I am. Hope you do too ✌️
Thiiiiiis! I'm mid thirties and just coming to understand these parts of myself.
Same! I also identify as ace and I feel this all the time
I thought I was asexual, turns out I'm demisexual. But I'm still afraid of penetration, and it's partially due to my fear of pain, and partially due to the purity culture. I've never put in a tampon, and the one time I got a papsmear made me really uncomfortable. Thankfully, my boyfriend and I both orgasm through other sexual activities and he's patient and fine with waiting until I'm ready to try the real thing. I'm 23 years old and left the Mormon church last year
I've been suffering with Vaginismus for seven years and never even knew the condition (was a condition) and had a name. It was primarily purity culture guilt as I'd grown up Fundie too. My partner has remained loving, kind, and patient throughout all these years and we've made slow progress but nowhere near where I want to be. This video and the comments under it truly gives me hope that it's not just an issue with my body but that there's something I can do to help it. Its been so bad that until recently I couldn't even do the exam at a gynecologist but now I'm looking forward to my next visit to them so I can talk about vaginismus and pelvic therapy 🤞
Hope you find the help you need! You're going to be OK!
Hello 💜 I had vaginismus as well and after years of trying to find treatment I found healing through The Women's Therapy Center in NY. They have a Facebook group called "Vaginismus, a private pain" and I would highly recommend you join! There is hope.
@@mirandajoydemos Thank you for this recommendation!
One main reason I won't go to the gyn. And also.. they checked me between contractions and it was more painful than the child itself. I tried telling them that in some way when they stupidly tried checking me again even though I was clearly minutes away from having my baby, but i could no longer speak anr was embarassed to try so I just refused a final check. Luckily they listened. Thanks for sharing your comment by the way
I meant painful than the childbirth. Lol! I just woke up. XD
Thank you so much for speaking out about this. Especially for speaking about vaginismus so openly. Your descriptions of the tampons were so validating for me. Thank you for speaking out.
Absolutely, I'm so glad it was validating!!
I really appreciate your channel. Let’s continue to promote reason and empathy.
Thank you!!
I remember a video series that was sent to my husband and me about a pastor couple, giving a lecture about „how to have a fulfilled sex life in marriage“ (was some years ago, idk how to find it anymore). It was essentially about men having a higher libido as women, so they demand an intercourse more often than their wifes actually want to. But due to scripture, the wifes should give in to these „requests“ as they have to obey (they referred it as „snack“ for a short intercourse, whereas the wifes get a „buffet“ when there is more time o_O).
They covered it with a nice language but this was super cringey and opens the gates for abuse 😣 (sorry, English is not my first language)
Oh wow, that is SUPER cringey and definitely abusive. It's also totally false, because people have all different sex drives, regardless of gender. I'm really sorry someone sent you those videos. Thank you for sharing your experience!
@@ExFundieDiaries yeah, even my super indoctrinated self felt like something was wrong with these clips („consent“ was the word that I was looking for 😬). And it’s more weird when you find out years later, that you’re a part of the ace spectrum 😅
And every time I see a video like this, I have to think of the saying „“A Handmade‘s Tale“ was a warning, not a manual!“
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences ❤️
@@thehunthasbegun Yes, it’s a huge lack of consent! That’s cool you were able to notice that something was off, even back then. I imagine you probably have had a uniquely difficult experience with purity culture being on the ace spectrum. I’m glad you’ve been able to have some self-discovery.
I haven’t read or seen The Handmaid’s Tale yet, but just seeing previews is enough to totally agree with you on that!!
Just sayin, in that same scriptural passage being referenced, it also says that men should give into their wives' wants because they need to satisfy *each other* and not just themselves. Buuuuuut people conveniently forget that part, because of course
...my ex husband's favorite words were "conjugal rights"...this is the main reason he's my ex. 😒
Thank you for sharing your story. It may seem TMI to some but it is incredibly important for us to share our experiences even if it's tough.
I had a lot of the same experiences when I first got married. I was actually not raised Christian but I became a Christian in my teens and went to an IFB church that heavily pushed purity culture. Then moved to a Southern Baptist church where my boyfriend (now husband) went. They also pushed purity culture and I even participated in that pushing by leading a Sunday School curriculum that was all about saving yourself for marriage and maintaining your purity.
My boyfriend (now husband) and I kissed and even, GASP, made out before we got married but there was so much guilt and shame that we carried into our early married days. I had other trauma unrelated to religion that I carried in as well. I never had a diagnosis but I think I suffered from vaginismus as well. I am lucky that I also married an incredibly kind and caring man who didn't pressure me and slowly I healed from my trauma.
I 100% agree with your statement of FUCK PURITY CULTURE.
Thank you so much for sharing, Jessica! I am really sorry that you were affected by purity culture in similar ways. At the same time, I am SO glad that you also ended up marrying a kind and caring man! That is truly so good to hear. I really appreciate your comment!!
I'm a man who also grew up in Christian fundamentalism. While purity culture was pressed particularly hard on girls, boys also got it too. We were to be virgins until our wedding day. Looking back I see how bizarre it was to be told that sex is dirty and shameful and that you shouldn't even THINK about it and then when your wedding night comes around you're supposed to be this uninhibited sexual dynamo. How messed up is that? I didn't abide by those rules and did have sex before marriage. But I felt very guilt ridden about it and couldn't really enjoy it. Honestly I felt ashamed to be naked in front of somebody else. It is taking me years to get over that conditioning. And it is still with me to some extent. I wish I was raised an atheist. Then I wouldn't have had these problems. So yeah, I despise purity culture too.
I am glad to see a man’s perspective on this. I wish you a good journey of healing and wholeness.
My "friend" (not anymore) freaked out on me for losing my virginity outside of marriage. She told me horrible things, including that being sexually assaulted was "no big deal" and I "must have wanted it" since I wasn't a virgin. I don't talk to her anymore.
I was physically assaulted and stalked for a month. My spiritual advisor accused me of provoking it. Ultimately, not only did I dump her, I dumped the religion altogether.
@@AuroraBoarder1 I dumped her for that and other offenses. Then I dumped the religion too. She went against my wishes and told my parents about my boyfriend (I would have told them when I felt it was the right time). She also accused me of trying to steal a woman's husband too, One little problem: me and that guy are non-compatible and we both know it. Yeah... she was a weird one
@@scorpazkan9029 - how awful! Sorry you had to go through that! She sounds like a monster - good riddance!
@@scorpazkan9029 Obviously she was.😨
Im so sorry, that person is NOT your friend. Enoy your sex life! Im sorry that happened to you
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! I grew up going to church and my parents weren't fundies. In fact, we're city living Democrats. I just had a baby and I think of how I want to raise her with faith, without pushing harmful ideas. We found a great Episcopal church that is LGBTQ affirming, pro-science, and very welcoming.
I enjoy your videos, please keep sharing your story.
Your church sounds awesome! That's cool that you grew up with a non-fundie church experience and that you want to give your child a healthy and positive upbringing. Thanks for sharing!
I consider you to be one of the prides of woman kind. Your openness and candor when it comes to talking about difficult things is awe inspiring. Your daughter is in very good hands. Thank you for being so helpful towards others who so very much need it. Thank you for being you!
Holy shit…vaginismus as you described sounds like my experience. I never pursued a diagnosis because I’m asexual, aromantic, and want to be single for the rest of my life. I “failed” a Pap smear once because I was so freaked out that they couldn’t get a good…”sample” ew. Because I’m young and have no risk factors (like I’m not sexually active or have ever been) I don’t plan on trying for another one anytime soon. I don’t want to diagnose myself but because you brought this up I wanna at least look into it.
Me too. I experienced that when being with people and finally last year at 34 I finally found out I am ace
Why be single?
@@anonymous-cx7ng Because it's their Choice.
@@blueStarKitt7924 When they haven't had the experience or a medical diagnosis, it's NOT a choice!
@@chrisantoniou4366 She said she wants to be single for the rest of her life and she's asexual and aromantic. It doesn't have much to do with vaginismus, absence of diagnosis or lack of expérience.
Thank you for being vulnerable and posting this! I also grew up in Purity Culture and had vaginismus. I suffered in silence for years, feeling broken and hopeless. I actually found a treatment center in NY in my early 30s called Women's Therapy Center and went through the program and was cured. To anyone struggling with this, please know you can have total freedom. It is a horrible condition to live with and you deserve to be whole!
Thank you so much for talking about this. I didn't grow up in purity culture but it did dominate my hometown churches and was so toxic. Among so many other things, it took away the privacy of children who were expected to announce their sexual decisions in front of dozens or even hundreds of other people, wear jewelry or other accessories signalling those decisions to the world, etc. How could anyone think this is okay?
I’m so glad that you still have your journals and whatnot from that time and are open to sharing their contents. I trashed all that kind of stuff & now have a hard time getting back into my mindset during those times, so I really like the fact that you’re able to read exactly what you were thinking.
I am glad you spoke about this. One of the first times I had sex with my now husband I started having a panic attack which ended into a bawling/sobbing seccion while intimate which is a symptom of something much worse. I wanted. And felt like I deserved this intimacy with him and then felt such strong shame even when there was no need for it. I worked hard to be healthier since then.
I am an ex-Protestant, turned agnostic, turned Orthodox. Your diary entry is revealing. There is a focus on the wedding as a form of evangelism. This is the core problem with Evangelicalism, they teach you to constantly obsess about your image, your influence and your witness, as if they are training everyone to be salespeople. I am so glad I left that behind. Prayers for your continued healing from that mindset.
I'm so glad I found your channel! I deeply appreciate your candidness and your willingness to share your experience. While I wasn't raised in a Christian context, I do have lots of experience with high-demand religion and sexual abuse, which has led me to develop severe vaginismus. My wife is an absolute gem, her patience and kindness have been crucial to my recovery. Thank you for sharing your journey with your viewers!
What a loving young man. This message needs to be passed on to all young people. What a horrible thing for any young couple to face...and it's completely preventable. My heart hurts for you. Thank goodness you were able to overcome this hurdle.
I was raised quite similarly. Homeschooled with two pastor parents. Thank you for sharing your story. I recently came out as agnostic, and it has been a hugely emotional process. You are amazing.
I have such a deep appreciation for the calm and objective approach you take in discussing the way you were raised and how you have been growing forward through your trauma. I admire the way you deconstruct the harmful fundamentalist ideals your parents instilled in your formative years while finding ways to affirm your overall faith in new, healthy, loving ways.
Furthermore, it is so precious to see people like yourself standing calmly and firmly in their resolve to heal and calling out things you know are wrong without screaming rhetoric and spewing hate at the top of their lungs.
Finally, I am so very happy for you and your husband to be walking this path of love and healing together! That, is what a true a blessing looks like 💜
You are so wonderful and brave in sharing your personal experiences with Christian fundamentalism. I commend your efforts to shed light on problems that many other women are undoubtedly facing. Cheers to you!! ❤️
Thank you so much!!
omg... this was so unbelievably relatable.. I didnt wait until marriage, but I waited until 24 and I met the right person for me. I had the same problem as you and it took us months for my body to stop shaking and freaking out. I even went to a gyno and found out the same as you. My boyfriend was so patient with me as I cried and as my body shaped uncontrollably any time he touched me for like... 2 months. It was a horrible experience and if I had the wrong person, it wouldn't have been a disaster...
You are an angel! So many need to here this video. Focus on the family was just coming out when I was just getting married. Thank God, my mother told me the truth about my body( how to respect myself and how to expect respect from my husband). I think about how blessed I was/am to have such a forward thinking mom, while being raised within the Pentecostal religion. Virginity wasn’t the end all be all of your wedding, and exploring your own body wasn’t discouraged. In the middle of such religious insanity, how was I blessed with such a lovely mom. Even with that blessing, I was still damaged by the religion I was brought up in. I grappled with gilt and shame, wondering why my mom taught one thing, when every other message was something else. Even though I found peace with these things long ago. I was surprised at how many feelings of rage welled up in me.
Another thing that REALLY bothers me, as a former comparative religion scholar who focused on Hebrew scripture (aka "the New Testament" to Christians) is the way that so many Christian fundies blatantly ignore the *fact* that Hebrew scripture was written by and for the Jewish people, in the context of ancient near eastern literature and poetry. They consistently- to the point it's hard to believe that it's unintentional- ignore such context as translation, (Hint: it's written in Hebrew, not King James English!) cultural, regional, geographic, linguistic and religious factors, historic political factors, and the reality that much of it was written in a deliberately poetic form...these are facts that even the most fundie Jew will immediately admit to, and why even those super-fundie Jews will find the concept of taking Hebrew scripture "literally" to be downright laughable. This is also the reason that even most ultra-orthodox fundie Jews encourage girls and women to get educations (up to graduate and postgraduate) and to work outside the home, and why they also consider it to be a woman's choice (not some divine "womb opening") when to marry and how many children she can handle. Birth control and abortion are NOT 100% forbidden in Hebrew scripture, which is why they've never been forbidden even in the most fundie sects of Judaism! It blows my mind, as a former scholar, that these verses and Hebrew scripture in general can be interpreted in such shamelessly discordant ways from the original intent!
Now, to be clear, I'm not AT ALL saying that these Jewish fundie communities or Hebrew scripture overall are somehow wonderful for women or even close to anything like that...but the reality is that when the verses in question are read in proper contexts, the outcome is VERY different to what fundie Christian groups end up preaching!
TL;DR- bona fide Hebrew and Torah scholars who are reading the verses in the context and language in which they were intended will say unhesitatingly that the "Above Rubies" verses were praising a wife who was a savvy, educated businesswoman, who worked outside the home, who made major financial and life decisions WITHOUT being subject to the constant "headship" of her husband. They praise a woman who independently and confidently buys and sells real estate, manages farms and labor disputes, and is generally a major influence on her community...NOT a baby-voiced, submissive, meek homebody who stayed home weaving, having endless babies and thinking of ways to please her master/husband.
Biblical Hebrew is darned hard to learn, and even harder to read when it's written in a format that's riddled with poetic license and artistic tricks such as acrostic verses! It does not make the slightest bit of sense to me that a deity would sanctify a centuries old, politically motivated English translation as the One True Version...does this mean that the Deity made mistakes in dictating the original Hebrew, and needed King James et al to correct Its errors? Sorry, but that just doesn't make sense to me.
What does make sense to me is that hebrew scripture is a lovely, unique, masterfully written insight into the mostly-lost world of ancient near eastern culture, literature and poetry...and to read it that way, i.e. the way in which it was intended to be read!
Thanks you for your word, this was inspiring
@@guacamollie2460 True! I will do some research.🙂
Book of Jasher, Book of Enoch - the Fallen Watchers taught women how to smite the womb so that the child should die.......
@@truthliberty5695 Neither of those books are part of the Torah and Tanakh, so I'm not sure what you're getting at. Sorry!
I studied Hebrew (and some Christian) scripture, and only very little apocrypha. If you could clarify,I'd be very grateful! Thanks! ☺️
@@maneckineckbeard1749 Enoch, Jasher, Jubilees are not Apocrypha, they are Dead Sea Scrolls... which contains the rest of the Old Testament you mentioned. They are very much part of the pre-Christ era of Jewish believe, hands down no questions asked. And if they detail the rest of accounts like the one in Genesis 6, giving a wholesale account why certain things are wicked, I'd be inclined to believe them, especially since some early Jewish believers saw fit to record them.
Apocrypha really just implies pseudapigraphia (I didn't spell it right sorry) which means a false thing written in someone else's name to make it seem legitimate when it is not. The account of Enoch in particular is written in some very ancient, Hebrew-relevant script, and across the Biblical account it's been inferred that the Enochian tradition (writings) were passed down through Noah, ergo it survived the Flood, being written down after the Deluge and passed along... which is why it makes it into the Dead Sea Scrolls. I take it to mean that it is scripture for sure, irrespective of humanist opinion from whatever post-Vatican council, being it pre-exists them.
According to the account, angels taught abortion.
Oh girl! I can definitely relate to this! Been processing religious trauma based on sexual shame for years! Still recovering from Christian cultish upbringing! Thank you so much for sharing! I can tell you’ve done a lot of work around this & much research! Good for you!
No one is denying the abuse and trauma that come out of "cult-like" churches and purity culture. "Fundie" is a derogatory term for people who believe in the fundamentals of the faith. That does not mean that they embrace purity culture or demand that the husband is to be a tyrannical leader over his submissive wife. The verse goes on to say that the husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church. I guarantee you that if the husband did that there would not be the abuse and tyranny we witness today in many marriages. I'm just saying "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater".
It's tragically ironic that Josh Duggar is back in the news, having been arrested for .. bad stuff. I don't wanna jump to the conclusion that Purity Culture caused Josh Duggar to become what he became, but, Purity Culture certainly didn't help anybody. In my experience, trusting God to "heal" one's sexuality is anti-helpful. I hope you've been able to find some healing since then.
And again, I gotta give *huge* props to your husband for being so actively understanding and respectful. A true King.
Hi Jack! Personally, I do think that purity culture at least contributed to what Josh became (I pinned a comment about it above with some resources if you're interested.) That being said, he is of course accountable for his own actions, no matter how he was raised or what negatively affected him. I am glad that he is receiving some consequences.
Thanks so much for your kind words about my husband! I will pass along the message to him :)
Oh yeah, I didn't mean to imply that Josh Duggar himself isn't responsible for his own actions. That's kind of a tricky balance .. how to hold someone accountable while also acknowledging that a culture can breed and enable bad behavior.
@@JuliaAllenHesse I agree, thanks for clarifying!
@@ExFundieDiaries I am Black, but I love your videos. I grew up very fundamentalist with constant repression. It's been very damaging
well it does not help that his mom and wife are defending those actions and that he is the golden child of the family its especially hypocritical when the mom did a recording that was anti trans in nature and that allowing trans women into womens bathrooms will allow them to harm kids
I just found your channel and I'm already hitting that subscribe button! I live in Mexico City and I'm not very religious at all, but still appreciated your honesty and these candid discussions, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. And props to your husband who seems like a very kind and compassionate gentleman, I hope you both have long, healthy and happy lives.
I ended up having a premarital sexual relationship, and I found out that I couldn't "get it up". I'm so happy that I discovered that before marriage instead of on my wedding night. Now I'm in a relationship with the woman I want to marry, and we've established a fulfilling and exciting sexual relationship. I'm glad I gave up purity culture before getting married.
I cannot get enough of your channel. I am an atheist who was raised in an abusive Christian household and even after being free of religion for nearly two decades, your videos give me life.
Thank you so much for sharing your story openly. I grew up in a church that promoted purity culture and it took a long time to lose the guilt and shame that came with it. It is brave of you to put this out there to shed light on this.
Hi, thankyou for sharing your story. I'm suffering with vaginismus and it feels really isolating, especially when my partner, though never pressuring me in anyway, cannot fully understand what it feels like both emotionally and physically. I'm young and went to the doctor but she didnt really take me seriously, i think due to my age. it feels really validating to hear someone i have watched for a while and really respect and look up to talk about this issues and getting past them and how you felt many of the things i feel, in terms of feeling like a dissapointment and not fufilling your role as a wife (or in my case partner). thankyou for sharing your story, its so important for people to talk about these issues so that they know that theyre not alone.
Take care of yourself.🙂
I've been looking for a video like this for *years*. I have been married 7 years and still unable to have intercourse without great pain and difficulty due to vaginismus- which is due to the deep shame and detachment from my body that I still fight with that I got from purity culture
Botox treatment is very effective for vaginismus and after that lidocaine with dilator use.
I'm really in awe of how candid you are with everything. Things many people would hide or feel ashamed over you just say right out in public. I think it's important that we both speak about and listen to this stuff though, it helps us all learn, grow, and know we're not alone.
I'm so, so sorry that you were forced to suffer through such a terrible mental, emotional and physical ordeal.
But I'm also SO grateful that you're courageous enough to share your experiences in order to educate and help others.
I wish you nothing but all the best life has to offer from now on...please consider me a new sub! ❤️❤️❤️
You have a good man as a husband and he is blessed by such a kind, warm, and calming wife. My my Pantheon bless you both in this lifetime.
Finding this video means the world to me. I’ve struggled with vaginismus my whole life in relation to tampons and gyno visits. I’m really lucky to be a lesbian in that I’ve always just explained to my partners not to do penetration and it was never a big deal. One day, I need to get up the courage to go to a gynecologist to actually get it assessed because I think there is some damage from a SA many years ago. Thank you for this video, people have no idea how common and also how difficult vaginismus can be
What a great mission you have undertaken. The patriarchy and fundamentalism must be challenged. Thank you for speaking out.
I love how open you are about all of this.
“Which if you think about it, is kind of hypocritical, because first of all, aren’t they supposed to not swear?” I cackled
As an AFAB aromantic person (someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction), but is pansexual, purity culture culture is really rough. Everyone assumes that AMAB people are supposed to be the hyper sexual ones, while AFAB people are expected to be focused on romance and being in a committed relationship. But as someone who is the opposite, I totally break their norm. It was pretty rough growing up with the sexual guilt as a fundamentalist Christian, but I’m glad I fully understand myself now and don’t try to force myself into relationships I’m unhappy with and feel indifferent about.
Just discovering your channel. I love your content so far and I’m looking forward to watching more of your videos. I’m ex-Pentecostal and currently a liberated Christian. Lots of what you say is very validating, after growing up in the Christian life and having some mental health issues now because of it. Thanks for sharing your experiences
I also ended up with vaginismus due to extreme purity culture and religious shaming. It's a long road with lots of doctors and therapy. Thank you for talking about this, it has made me feel much less alone in it.
Purity culture is so damaging. Thank you for sharing your story! It can be so scary to move from abstinence only to a healthy sexual ethic. Vaginismus also needs to be talked about more! I’ve had clients be diagnosed with this but never had a doctor mention this to them before as a medical possibility and instead gave suggestions like, have a glass of wine first.
My parents aren’t out right fundamentalists but I did grow up in a very strict family and purity felt like it was the most important thing to preserve. I was internally skeptical about this as a young person but faced a lot of guilt and shame as I considered this topic and what it meant. What ended up happening is that I had sex with someone I shouldn’t have because I wanted to throw my virginity away. I wanted to be valued for my own inherent worth and my own actions rather than my whole value being place on something I was born with, and from what I could tell imagined.
Great video ! Thank you for sharing! The bad information you got from the blog just broke my heart. I’m so grateful to be out of that world now.
I'm so glad I was raised without religion (besides Sunday school and baptism at 5, upon my grandmother's request). I'm so glad I missed all the misogyny and don't have to do too much deprogramming now.
Thank you for making this video, I don’t see it as oversharing. Just being honest about parts of life others suppressed
These videos are wonderful. I just hope you are helping others see just how unhealthy their upbringing is. I’m very glad you are married to someone who is kind and who treats you with respect. I’m sure there is so much sexual abuse, both physical and emotional, happening to so many due to purity culture. I just wish that we, as a society, had more control over this type of fundamentalist abuse, but it is so insidious. Because it’s religion it’s left alone. It’s just not right. So glad you found. your way out.
Just had to add: if behavioral science stands for "BS," then what do the people who say that think that "Bible study" stand for?
Teeheehee😅😅😅
But seriously - I'm just so, so happy to hear that you married someone safe and supportive. Sending you all the best, and looking forward to seeing more of your awesome content! ❤️❤️❤️
This is just another amazing honest video. I've been binge watching you and had no idea you were/are married. Gotta keep watching I guess!! Keep it up!
Thank you for being open and honest. It is so amazing to have a husband who is open to discussing things we are so often taught to suppress or are taught is shameful. This kind of culture is truly disgusting and harmful. I wish more people would see how awful it is.
I'm learning so much from your channel. I'm sorry that you went through this experience. I'm happy that you're able to help others who are on the fence and newly coming out. It's definitely got to be a difficult experience, and it's nice finding others who went through it to help understand.
I love your diary entries. It makes me wish I had journaled as a kid. It would be nice to read my thoughts then as an adult now.
Just had to add: if behavioral science stands for "BS," then what do the people who say that think that "Bible study" stand for? Teeheehee😅😅😅
But seriously - I'm just so, so happy to hear that you married someone safe and supportive. Sending you all the best! ❤️❤️❤️
😂😂
🙂
I remember freaking out and calling my parents when I woke up from a nap and my younger sister had her boyfriend in her room with the door locked. Fast forward until today and they’re married with a baby.
You are a BLESSING !!! Truth speaker. We need more like you !!!
thank you so much for doing a video on this! its really interesting and helpful to hear the perspective of someone who ended up getting married while still believing all that. i stopped believing no kissing/sex outside of marriage before i started my first relationship but mild vaginismus is still a problem for me. it's really great to hear someone talk about this from the experience of having vaginismus. i wish it was more talked about especially in ex religious (or honestly religious as well) circles. its so hard to talk about because of the ingrained shame from purity culture. not being able to 'properly' give my partner sex or 'enough' sex or whatever other bs makes me somehow less? obviously bullshit but that is so hard to unlearn.
This is incredibly common within religious circles. Even after leaving a Christian cult. I struggled with Vaginismus for over a decade after marriage. However I was cured after getting vaginal botox. Literally it was that simple for me. One series of shots down there and my vagina was normal again. I used lidocaine with dilators two weeks after the shots and my body responded incredibly well. I wish more people knew that this was a possibility and that botox itself covers the cost.
I love this!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing and being so open about your experiences, so powerful!
Thank you so much!!
This is so helpful for people that have had similar experiences. Thank you for your honesty
Finding this video a year later but saying with tears in my eyes, thank you for your vulnerability here.
Wasn't raised in what I'd call "fundie" culture, but I did grow up very southern baptist. I just want to say, from one ex-christian to another, I hope you're able to continue unlearning the harmful narratives you were raised in and building a life for yourself that is fulfilling and shame-free. I know how insidious the "Christian guilt" can be when taking charge of your own life and body, and I'm still trying to recover, too. Much love
Here from reddit, so excited to hear your stories and yoyr experiences. Proud of you, friend!
Me too!
Thank you so much!! So glad you’re here :)
Thanks love, can't wait to see more from you.
I’m catholic and have vaginismus. I haven’t been able to consummate my 3 year marriage because my insides feel like I am being torn apart. We are on sex therapy but hearing i would be a whore if I had premarital sex really traumatized me and I feel like not being able to have sex makes me a broken Person
Focus on the family is disgusting... I was also raised on and in this abusive crap.
My mom and most extended family members, still have many books, videos, etc in their homes to this day.
Thanks for helping me feel a little less alone.
I like focus on the family. Having crazy parents that abuse the message doesn't make a message not valid. It just makes your parents crazy.
Parent: "I love you too much to argue with you " Child: "but mom I'm hungry and want to get pretzels from the pantry." Parent: "I love you too much to argue with you."
I'm so sorry that your initial sexual experience was so stressful, but I'm glad you had such a loving partner through that experience.
Love this video, and the bravery you have in being so open, for the benefit of others. ❤️
I’ve listened to some of your videos. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced these things. I also hope that you understand these things were extreme. I grew up in a conservative Christian household but with NONE of the same experiences as you had. My parents encouraged questions, study, open discussions and individuality. Sex was not a taboo subject, disagreeing theologically was okay, etc. Your experience may not be the common Christian experience for a lot of people. The danger of exposing cults without distinguishing between the cult behavior and faith is that it can drive someone away from one thing straight into another. In other words, I know a few people who were in Christian cults who left but ran right into the arms of new age cults where they seem just as oppressed just in a different way. They thought Christian faith was the problem not the Cult. Now they’ve left Christianity but are now just in another cult. It’s really important to recognize and understand the markers and characteristics of Cults as they can be dressed up in all different kinds of religiosity or lifestyles.
Well, there is something in between in people's "christian" upbringing's. I just dealt with a lying, fake christian, married man who I had known in high school. Married for decades, lied about being separated-lied about so much. But I know enough about his childhood, and observed (and suffered from) his religious sexual shame. It became very obvious-and it was hurtful and rejectful to me. I am not a believer, but my open mind, pre-Rod, has been slammed shut after him. He just drips indoctrination, but tried so hard to hide that from me. I saw the signs, and was a victim of what he was put through as a child. Was his family part of a "cult?" Oh, I more than see how this "christian" upbringing ruins people. It's stories like his that makes me view most religions as "cults." You were "lucky?" My nephew was raised like you, and I applaud his parents. But in the wrong mindset, this stuff ruins people forever.
Well, the channel is called ‘Ex-Fundie Diaries’, so it’s specifically about fundamentalist Christianity. Fundamentalism means that it’s based on a strict and literal interpretation of religious text. Obviously, not every version of Christianity (or any other religion) is also fundamentalist in nature- as happily it sounds like yours was not. Unfortunately, fundamentalist views on Christianity are just as prevalent now as ever and as you stated, getting out of one fundamentalist cult does not remove the indoctrination the person was brought up with. Fully deprogramming often takes years of work and sometimes what happens instead is the loss of one set of beliefs merely leaves a hole waiting to be filled with the “answers” provided by another religious cult.
But honestly, religion as a general concept creates a wide birth for cult-like behavior. To the point that the difference between cult-ish behavior and simple belief is merely one of degrees.
You can say, THIS version of Christianity is fine because it’s moderate and kind whereas this OTHER version of Christianity is extreme, and therefore not a true representation of the religion as a whole. And that sounds all fine and good until you consider that they have the same roots…the backbone of both versions of faith is sprung from the same seed. Those extreme versions blooming at the ends are part of the same plant as the reasonable and more moderate branches that came before them. You can cut the extremists off, maybe, but if the plant, I.e. the religion, continues to grow for long enough you’ll just get more of them, and this applies to other faith-based beliefs as well, obviously.
Ultimately, I feel like telling someone that their experiences were the extreme version but that other versions are ‘good, actually’ is missing the point. It’s like telling someone allergic to dandelions that they can live happily by just trimming the weed down so it never blossoms when the real way to breathe freely is to just pull the damn thing out by the roots.
Conservative Christian women experience beginnings at a rate of 22%, with 7% experiencing it to the degree that penetration is impossible. That is research. That is fact. See The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Wray Gregoire. So, no, it isn't just fundamentalist, extreme purity culture that causes this. Regular, old, run-of-the-mill evangelicalism and its gender theology have a huge part to play and a lot to answer for.
Meant to say, *vaginismus
I didn’t grow up in a fundamentalist church. But prevalent attitudes such as slut shaming and my mother saying don’t lay down with boys, still resulted in shame regarding sex. It’s sad that so many women feel this way.
1:20 wow, what brilliant insight to connect these things. Thankyou!!!! I kind of feel part of the reason this anti-gospel has been pushed has been specifically due to infiltration and syncretisation in large chunks of the church with those very forces of oppression, misogyny, racism etc., but I'd never heard the connection made so clearly before and thankyou!
I just found your channel today and I about spit out my coffee when you mentioned above rubies! I worked for Nancy back in the summer of 2006 when I was 18 yr old, I'm now an atheist and mom of a trans child. 💕 I'm so thankful I don't follow their lies anymore.
We are a dimorphic species
Me too I am so much happier after leaving the cult
I love your channel! You are so kind and your videos are clear and easy to understand. I’ve recently deconstructed my Christian faith. My daughter is 15 and I don’t want to pass on all of the shame and baggage that I have around sex, my body, poor boundaries etc.
I am going to binge watch your videos🙈
Hello, just subscribed.
Thamk you for this video and channel. This may be the missing piece in my healing.
Hey, thank you so much for sharing, this meant a lot to me and I'm sure so many other people too.
Just found your channel.when you said Fuck purity culture, you WON me over!!!
Thank you for speaking out and you go girl!
Thank you for sharing so openly about your experience. I'm sure that wasn't easy or comfortable for you ❤
What I heard from the diary entry: 'God was so sweet for making my wedding all about himself'. I'll admit, that was kind of funny 😁
Purity culture never felt entirely right to me. I didn’t end up following that and went back and forth for a long time. Also having lived with a man who was toxic I don’t regret living with someone before marriage either something my parents still dislike. But i do think it can be good to live with someone for a while before you decide rather or not to marry is not a bad idea. You know a person much better when you live with them and if it’s a good person great , if it’s a toxic person or not able to live together it’s much better to know that before getting married.
I tell my daughters they need to live with someone for about 2 years before deciding on marriage.
The problem is that the statistics don't bear that out.
Religious questions aside, if you look at the data that's been collected on that, marriages that began as a cohabitation don't last. Most of them fail. Couples that don't do that have a better chance of going the distance.
I couldn't tell you exactly why that is, but it's worth researching.