It is. But it's getting better. People are realizing that we males also ha e emotions and have some deep trauma done to us by some really wicked females. Good luck in your healing, everyone reading this. It hurts like hell, but we will all get through this.
Oh, they'll tell you everything you need to know on the first date. If the volume of being abused, ignored, or neglected as a kid is too loud you'll never hear a word she says. I've consistently made the mistake of getting people to like me instead of getting to know if I like them.
That's a great insight. The urgent need to be liked, as if this is the only other person on a deserted island, vs. deciding if WE like THEM and there is mutual complimentary qualities that will foster growth and health for BOTH people in the relationship. We don't need to please everyone, which is a fools errand anyway.
yup, my ex said it all to my face and I didn't see it fully clearly and only became glaringly obvious after detaching and objectively thinking through it all without my empathy pulling me into feeling sorry for her
The hardest part post the discard is that the pain is so great, that it becomes hard to work on oneself when your literally just trying to get through the day without falling apart.
most times I think im doing better then realize I've dissociated staring into nothing, with memories and past events that happened just now connecting dots.
Keep going. Healing takes time and persistence and I promise you it will get better. It’s not a linear path and some days are better than others. You will become stronger after this and I want to let you know that we hear you, you’re not alone and you will rise again. You got this. ❤
No one deserves to get their soul hollowed out like this. The healing process requires you to get involved and face all the darkest shit in your psyche. It's exquisitely painful but also the most rewarding journey you can ever take. This is one of the best channels. I've also found Sam Vaknin to be tremendously insightful. Godspeed.
Damn. Phil sounds JUST like me lol. I feel like a fool. I spent so long trying to protect and save her and she never put even a tenth of the effort I put in into a relationship.
If it makes you feel better, I'm a fool also. I'm tired of making the same mistake. My last relationship was far from the usual covert traits. Took awhile for me to see the pattern. Unfortunately, I was into deep before saving myself. Eventually, she discarded me and I lost too much to recover. Alcoholism, DUI, wrecked car, and jobloss.
This happened me last year with a girl i met on a dating app..the relationship moved at lightening speed..she was the first woman that didn't even want a first date and it was straight to sex..she had lived in Ireland for over ten years and she seemed to be on the move alot and using people for places to stay as the price of rent in Dublin is sky high at the moment...I'd never met a woman with such a high sex drive and only 3 weeks after we met she was telling me she loved me...I was helping her alot and eventually she found a place to rent with her friend..I painted her new room bought her flowers and new bedsheets to try n help her as she did work hard n seemed to be struggling..she fought with her friend soon after and she was on the move again I moved her 4 times to different locations within a few months..I was amazed how she could actually live like this..soon she was asking more n more about staying at my home but I didn't have the capacity to do this as I live with other people...one night I was playing pool with her..she said to me "ive a key to two other places to stay but I dont have a key to your place yet mark"..alarm bells started to go off n I started to feel she had an agenda..she asked me that same night to drop her to a "friends" house in a part of Dublin..she said it was a man and his wife..i thought ok this is really strange now why would a man n wife let her stay at their home..I dropped her off anyways and the next morning she arrived at my house..I made her breakfast and we drove to the beach and had a nice weekend together..after the beech we went for some lunch..she went the bathroom for an extremely long period of time...I thought she's acting really weird I'm starting not to thrust her..on Monday she asked me to come see her..I said I'm working I can't.. she then said I have no t enough time for her yet it was always me making the effort to come to her..I ended the relationship that day as I was getting burnt out n stopped doing alot of stuff I used to do for myself like go the gym ect..3 days after the breakup I drove by the same house I had dropped her off at..and by some miracle of the exact moment in time I spot both her n him leave the house holding hands and crossing the road up at the lights ahead of me..I was absolutely sick to my stomach...we were then in no contact and she plastered pics of her kissing him on fb and this hurt alot as i was a good bf to her all them months before and she never asked me to get into a picture with her for social media..I reached out to her 6 weeks after the breakup as I needed answers..and she told me she was getting married!!..I couldn't believe it!!..who decides to marry so fast!?.and she basically laughed at when i told her i had seen her the day i drove by that house...but sure enough she got married in less then 5 months..her n him left Ireland n went back to her home country of Lithuania..I went through a few months of depression but finally got myself back to the gym and feeling good again!..although I still get days were I feel down about it all..I dont believe her that she only met this guy 3 days after we broke up or any of that stuff about them staying at her friends house..as I seen her leaving the house with him holding hands a few days after we broke up....I always thought narcissists were materialistic but she wasn't.. I never knew about love bombing either..I was told I was and amazing perfect bf for the first 3 months..constant compliments which I found a bit strange at the time..but I gave the benefit of the doubt that she was a good person and I trusted her...but as people say..the quicker they move on shows the less they really care about you..its Been a year but I haven't gone back dating but ive Concentrated on myself..thank you for your wonderful videos lise..you do wonderful work...kind regards from Mark in Ireland 🇮🇪
I can definitely identify with your story dude. Those Female covert narcissists will screw you more in three weeks than most women do in three years. It's hypnotizing, that's the point. Sex is their weapon. It's a hard lesson to learn especially coming from a wife who was alienating and Frigid. Never Again will I welcome those sexy shapeshifters into my life for one minute let alone five years.
Ah, so you met a succubus. They will quite literally suck you dry, toss you in the trash and be on another poor bastard's arm the next day. Fun at first, but wouldn't recommend that rollercoaster to anyone.
@@clv603 what's a succubus clv?..I'm only seeing your message now sorry for the late reply..I just find the whole thing crazy when I look back at that relationship
My sister in law is one. My parents thought she was impossible to relax around. I saw a vulnerable downtrodden soul. I hit a tough patch. Isolates she bullied me almost to suicide. She had me fooled for 35 years! They are lethal manipulators
This video made me literally cry. A year ago I was fulled by a sociopath woman, who was lying about her mother having cancer and asking money from men. This year I met a woman who now I realize she is impulsive borderline type, even though she was very sweet, charming and smart. The amount of pain I felt after these two relationship is unimaginable, to the point where I was asking God to take my life away. I'm doing therapy now. And one of the things I'll never forget from my therapist is : I will help you to be able to spot these traits early on, so you don't get involved with this kind of people again. I grew up without a father since I was 4 years old. And my mom, even though a great mother, almost all the time judgemental and too much caring.
Glad I found this channel. It seemed that most of the other channels refer to the narcissist as he or him, leaving me to wonder why there wasn’t much material for men with narcissistic women. Cheers, and thank you!
Number 11 - being vulnerable myself. When going through difficult time I was looking for help and opened up to a wrong woman who used my vulnerability to manipulate me. She enjoyed watching me being embarrassed. Number 12 - having stressful job. Going through common struggles make people more attracted to each other. Number 13 - trauma bond.
An intrenched 'saviour complex' will see you destroyed. I grew up fearful and anxious during the height of the cold war, but thats ok, I could watch superman again and again and grew up believing that the perfect ideal man performs herioc interventions given the opportunity. You didn't merely have to be a powerless victim in the world. So I grew up, went to Uni, and eventually came across a young teacher in the first year of teaching who lost her job. And like superman, and yes; like my father I gave her everything. I gave my course away, my future, my blood sweat and tears, and as a Christian man- waiting for the day God would roll away the stone that held her heart right up until the night I couldn’t take her cheating anymore, or her constant stock standard threat to 'take the kids away and have them raised by the man she really deserves.' It was a bitter sense of triumph as I was down on my hands and knees in the dark tying a noose at the garage door when I suddenly realised she was standing above me. "You know what; you're right, I'll never get to keep my kids, but I'll damn myself to hell before I spend the rest of my life sending you money to live comfortably with another man." Her: "Ok; well, I'll just make sure that your father pays for your funeral." It was that moment, that I finally, completely understood what I was living with. And as far as she was concerned when I walked into the garage that was the last time she'd ever see me alive. I knocked the ladder over, jerked on the rope, to make it real, and stood in the dark for several hours freezing. I watched her shadow move through the house, turn off all the lights, and I had to see it for myself. I entered the house just in my sox so no one would hear my footsteps and stood in the door way of our bedroom listening to her breath.. sleeping like a baby. The moral of the story: You can be so in love with your idealism, your deeply held values, your sense of commitment that it is the most unthinkable thing to believe that the person sleeping next to you, who knows you best, doesnt think like you. Thats called 'projection.' You mightn't find out until it was too late. You can marry a woman who wants you to die to collect the insurance money. You are not a human being to her. My wife once waited on the end of the phone to me while I was having a severe medical episode, just listening waiting for me to die. This could be you. Learn from this lady ☝ Because you could be the compassionate aged carer who's currently dating my ex wife, and you’ve completely ignored all of the dire warnings from her three kids.
@@Textemple these people are everywhere. Yes; it is anecdotal testimony, and yes I often find it amazing to still be here, but I'd impress upon anyone who wants to do good in the world or at least nurture something wholesome that there are people out there who are more than willing to siphon off all your human potential. It could be your boss, wife, husband etc. And it'd be people you'd never believe are capable. And then beyond that you're obviously left with terminal trust issues. Stay safe.
Now that I look back to our first date, I can see how she was subtly warning me how messed up she is, but having no awareness of personality disorders, I had no idea was i was getting myself into. Because of childhood trauma, I have always felt unlovable and will open my heart to anyone who shows interest.
Some of them will warn you or even test you to see how much you’re willing to take. I told a female client of mine that she was perfect and in a sad way she said “I wish I was”. She also told me a story of how she did a guy that she was dating wrong. The next sign was too tremendous not to ignore. I ended the budding friendship immediately
This is really a creation of mind, taking imaginery role of a saviour to save some damsel in distress! There's attraction and trauma, a two in one package when dealing with the narcissist.
Especially the Guilt tripping... She would always acuse me off ignoring her. Controller, no personal accountability. No Empathy. Always someone else's fault
Thank you. I always enjoy your videos and calm, kind demeanor. - One thing I’d add is that men should never underestimate the power of the cultural zeitgeist of female narcissism. (And yes, of course, there are tons of celebrated men narcissists as well.) The difference I see though is that even little girls at a very young are being conditioned into narcissism by corporate forces, way beyond their parents. Big business is creating female narcissism. Deep pockets spending billions to engender family conflict and create female slave masters basically. It’s corporate abuse by over-praise and over-praise of all the wrong things. Corporations “golden child” young girls and young women. Corporations scapegoat boys and men (young and old). - Women raised in this cultural environment hate and manipulate their fathers too, which is important for context. If they team up with mom to lie to dad (which would be made into a joke on tv), and if the mother and the daughter are “more like friends than mother and daughter”, run for hills. A young man may have the collective disease of an entire culture on his hands, PLUS a much older narcissist mother-in-law in the shadows.
Out of all the resources I found in the past 2 years of recovering and healing, Lise's videos are one of the most helpful. And yes, I'm a man. Thank you Lise ❤
Wow! The testimony at the end sounds like it was written by me. I was only with her 18 months before I decided enough was enough. These videos have been a massive help.
Can you make a video about how to tell the difference between having a genuine moments of vulnerability when discussing past traumas while dating vs. being manipulated into becoming someone's 'saviour'? I would like to not fall into the same trap as before, as I tend to believe everything a woman I find attractive says is true. I also don't want to dismiss someone genuine by being too paranoid about this.
I would argue that true moments of vulnerability aren't really possible at beginning of relationships. Trust must be or should be gained and not assumed. Ie if someone spills the beans too soon, it's a red flag
My ex female trauma therapist for childhood cptsd for the past 2yrs was the very definition of the textbook covert narcissist. I thought I was losing my mind and the very sense of self.Thank God for my peer support person that saw it as well and helped me break free. Now, I not only need help with cptsd but the damaged caused by my therapist. Just to point out this is 4 months hindsight, from a great deal of research and your videos.
Nailed it. Well articulated! Very true in the fact, one has to look at is their own role in how it played a part in the manipulation by these types. Men have a hard time seeing the negative in their positive traits due to the conditioning of provider, protector, etc. Often times men ask themselves what they did wrong, when they did everything right,we fail to see its negative affect and our lack of boundaries( ie turn the other cheek) Covert vulnerable narcissists use the killdeer tactic, where a a bird fakes a broken wing to draw you away from its nest when you stumble upon it, so you dont discover the nest and eggs in order to protect them only in the case of a covert, they dont want you to discover their rotten eggs that they're really hiding. Again , great discussion🕊
Been through so many Narx relationships that I could spot them with in just minutes after meeting. But I stayed because I had become seriously addicted to them, took a gazillion emotional punches and after recovery, id go right back into the same situation. It wasn't until it affected my health, that I began too seriously not allow myself to keep falling for these women. I was in complete denial about how my upbringing set me up for all of that abuse. Took me long enough to connect the emotional abuse from my Dad, is what made me so susceptible to Narcissistic Women. I'm still on my journey to full recovery, and this channel keeps me educate as well as keeping planted to not make the same mistakes in the future.
@@davidbanner9344 ahh I see. I’ve fallen prey to narcissists but for me my father just wasn’t around. And when he was he was very emotional neglecting. Never providing feedback, talked to me very little. He didn’t raise me with any values. I have very poor boundaries
@@Karll541 oh yes, my poor boundaries come from my upbringing as well, though my dad was in the home, still he only spoke to me and my siblings when he was cursing us out, just being mean for no reason at all.
How sad it is that we are in a place and time in society and culture that being patient, understanding, supportive, sympathetic etc. are all just targets that those will ill intent will search out. What does that say about the world we are living in? Or has this always been the way? Wise as foxes, gentle as doves. Still good advice after 2,000 years.
Not all! Some.. The unfortunate part is that if you got abused through these good traits you will no longer share them easily. Which might be more healthy but also more sad.. I would never give as much as freely as before, never trust tears or victim stories as easily, and never just try to save someone that quickly anymore. Which is sad, but perhaps more realistic
Shit has definitely been this way if not worse, u gotta realize data is a new thing. Lots our knowledge on the world has come very recently, plenty of phenomena on earth us humans don’t know about. Survival of the fittest theory imo explains why narcissism isn’t nothing new.
This has been going on since the beginning of mankind. The parable of the wheat and the tares for example. You must have a sharp sense of discernment if you want a healthy relationship. Lots of tares out there preying on men with great qualities and vice versa.
After falling for it once and having two kids…. I’m just choosing the option of being single and focusing on myself and my kids. What a nightmare, I’d much rather be single and live in peace.
so appreciate this information, I have fallen several times for Covert Narcissistic women, just got out of a relationship with one, so thank you for this!
Lise. You are incredible. You're helping so many men. Thank you. I also want to add that the note that man wrote is also on point. And another thing that a friend of mine messaged me once:- "There aren't many people dedicated to love as you are. Unfortunately, bad people, especially narcissists gravitate to people like you because you're caring, attentive and they find it a challenge to break people like you. And her suggesting her behaviour was because of you is gaslighting. It's a control mechanism. You need to rediscover the things that make you worthy within yourself." Another thing I want to add is I have barely had any relationships in my life. Women don't go for me. But that can be OK as long as I'm happy and fine within myself. Stay strong people. Good riddance Stephanie.
I'm BP and most likely BPD., but did not know it when I was young and married a person that is probably a covert narcist. I have always tried to be honest with people and this was used against me. I'm glad I have a better understanding and it validates my decision to end ties with my boys. I wasn't willing to see the truth, but it will set you free. I have my Love of God, Nature and surround myself with a feral cat colony. Let go of unhealthy relationships and try to let yourself appreciate those precious qualities we have been Blessed with.
Almost there Lise! 100k is right around the corner. 🎉🎉. Wow, you just described me. Who would have ever thought being a good, caring man would be a negative. I met mine when I was 19 and she showed red flags from the beginning, I just had no idea that it was an issue and just thought she was stubborn. Thanks to your videos, I finally have some education on what's happening. I feel like a fool for staying....
@@rahowherox1177 yes but depended on the day. One day or week they were loving and caring, they would be physically and verbally fighting and tearing the house apart. It was a very Jekyll and Hyde existence. These were very physical fights as well. I won't get into all that but there was definitely emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.
@@rahowherox1177 well, I wasn't attracted from trauma I don't think. I have always been very mentally strong. She was ten years older than me and I was 19. She had been married twice before me. So I was basically baited and manipulated. Now, Ai did witness my mother being beaten many times, I mean bad too. I was oartnif that sometimes so I always had a "savior" mentality toward all women. Not from a sexual attraction standpoint, but a safety and care standpoint. Much more to the story, but the basics. We've been married 28 years as of a couple of days ago and she ruined that too. So I've only recently within the last 4 to 5 years, found out what was happening.
@@hurricaneaquatics Thanks again, I've noticed a sort of father/daughter type relationship is common, like you say / imply, attraction seems near irrelevant
It's almost eerie how predictable these patterns are, especially when you thought what you had was so rare and unique. After 10+ years on and off and 10 months no contact, I still have the same heartbreak I hear in other people's comments. Your description of us is completely accurate. Even now, I still want to hear from her and try again despite knowing how I'll be treated. Again.
Thanks! Your videos are spot on. They would have been invaluable to me 4,5,6 year ago when I was in the throes of a relationship with a female narcissist. I agree with every single point in every video. Truly the best advice anywhere on this subject! Thank you, Lise!
A lot of these are me, specially 9 and 10. I am the emPathetic guy who cares for a lady's feelings . I used to be worse, way worse at this. In 7 years, the last 2 months were the last ones I ever acted this way towards a woman and only because I truly loved her.
I was in a relationship and the woman made false accusations against me and sent my job email that I voluntarily resigned from my employment because she was stalking and harassment and threatening to harm me. I got an order of protection and she was given 2 probation and she still hasn’t stopped trying to contact me. I’m a text book example that she had me from the beginning
You're a blessing for the man's perspective! I can't believe of all your videos that I have watched I just found this one after watching *again* the covert narcissist going after married man. The self-awareness part that I may have these traits along w/ rescuer syndrome was a question I wondered a lot! Fortunately I didn't blow my entire life up for her - the adult in me finally rescued the right person, my inner child who was lost in limerence. Thanks again!
I have a BPD ex, and she sort of caught me in her web the same way as this guy was caught. I am here, still feeling the pain a year and some months after our breakup (I wouldnt call it suffering anymore, since I have No anger towards this woman anymore, But I look at her with compassion since she is really suffering, and this I consider to be a step away from her), however I didnt feel that I couldnt speak up - I did. This was a Big problem between us in the beginning - me setting my boundaries, but she wasnt throwing a tantrum when it came to me setting boundaries, she was acting out for other reasons, which I later Saw was connected to me setting boundaries, but then it was too late. I was in too deep. And even though I did see it, while I was with her, I couldnt move. I remember thinking to myself, while I was in it, that it was too difficult to stay but it was too difficult to leave as well. I felt like a fool for months after the breakup, because I did see her and I didnt make excuses for her, but my need to help her exceeded the need to help myself and get away from an obvious dysfunctional relationship. And on bad days I still feel the need to help her more than to take care of myself. But at least I know its just a feeling. She doesnt. Poor soul.
Wow you just described me to the T so much great information. Thank you so much for your insight. I went head over heals for this lady and didn't have a clue about narcissism. I do now thanks to all the information I'm still learning..
Thank you, Lise, for your work in helping all of us recover from our hurt. That letter articulated so well my characteristics that I knew I had, but couldn't put to words. May God bless you and your family for all the good you do.
Thank you for sharing this, Lise! It contributes to my recovery process. 🙏 I didn't want to see the red flags. My wish to be in a partnership and having a family was too high. Even got the comment: " If you can't treat each other in a more loveable way, you better split up." Decided to ignore it. Thought I can manage it. Didn't have enough information about narcissism. Paying the high price. Don't know if I will be able to trust ever again.
substance intoxication can be conceived as a self-induced narcissistic state that is sought by the consumer. As long as narcissism is an interpersonal relational phenomenon, likewise, it can take the form of drug consumption. Our conclusion is that, in the same way we conceive narcissism as a way to regulate self-esteem, we can also consider some patterns of SUDs as mechanisms of self-esteem regulation by means of self-inducing a “narcissistic state”. We propose that it is not only that some people who feel inferior or insecure look for a state of drug intoxication, but it is that some people who want to achieve a feeling of superiority seek a narcissistic state by means of this state of intoxication.
One of the things that genuinely shook me up was that, no matter how hard I tried to hold up her emotions, like they were the world and I was Atlas, The Titan. No matter how much encouragement, praise, help etc. I gave, it all ultimately came back to self-deprecation, self-sabotage, negativity and lamentation. Her Art, her cooking, her parenting, her family trauma, you name it. I have my own physical limitations and disabilities, and I just remembered how crushed I was when I felt like the things I loved to do, I wasn't good at anymore, or didn't feel like I was if I didn't have the support I got. But I gave it back in spades, because I thought I loved her, all for nothing. It always just came back to "I'm not good at this anymore *sobbing fit*" "I'm a bad mother! *threatens to commit herself*" "I'm not as pretty as you/other people." "My Fibromyalgia makes it impossible to do the things I want to!" "G-D IS DEAD!" on Passover, after I had just lead Seder for her and her 11 year old, for the first time as the head of a household, because we got a somewhat chilly response from the local Synagogue when we enquired about assistance. I felt so defeated, between that and the lack of respect for my body and my disabilities through constant blitz tackles, anaconda squeezes for bear hugs, coddle-cuddling and....A lack of respect when I told her "No." twice about intercourse because she hurt me so bad she gave me Bilateral Sciatica. She knew I already had 7 herniated discs, 5 displaced vertebrae and a reconstructed Left Tibial Plateau, with Osteoarthritis. She even made me wait outside the place we were staying in when I had to call an Ambulance, because she knew she'd get busted for neglect, again, if anyone who was a mandated reporter (I found this out after, including CPS' involvement previously in her life and her child being removed for neglect) saw the conditions we were in, between me and the kid, she would have gone to jail. I said no, because she never listened about hurting me, to the point where the second time it happened, I was soaking in the tub after just having gotten the diagnosis, and she cried at the prospect of not being able to do it on the bathroom floor with me. I said "no." She cried. I explained...she hurt me again. I didn't want to. She tried to force me to go down to the courthouse and get married, even though I told her how important having a Jewish wedding is to me. I became suicidal. My friends and family had to come get me from Upstate New York. There were live insects in my clothing and suitcases when I came home. I'm two years away now, and I'm still finding my way back to myself, instead of being her "Emotional Support Human." And I quote. I lost so much of who I was as an individual because she needed me to be a stand in for her favorite fictional characters (Howl from Howl's Moving Castle, Jack Skellington, or a Dom Deluise cartoon character, to the point of putting on "a troll in central park" and trying to initiate sex). I internalized all of it, blamed myself and felt like the lowest, most worthless motherfucker to walk this Earth. I bailed this woman and her kid out of being fucking homeless and LGBTQ+ in Iowa, and moved them and their shit, all of it, to The East Coast because that was the Damsel in Distress Moment that pulled me under. She was even letting and having her kid call me "Dad," and throw tantrums at the doctor's office, before I'd even met them in person. Because I confessed to her in private about how much I want to be one. Within 2 weeks of talking to each other on Video Chat this happened. And of course, the love bombing, the need to stay on video chat all night (sleep deprivation), the whole 9 yards. I gave my heart, my soul, my time etc. everything, to someone who it was never enough for unless they got to hurt and use me. To feel constantly in danger between her issues, and her child's explosive anger problems that included and were not limited to hitting and violently throwing tablets across rooms. At 11. I gave up on hope, on my dreams, on myself, on ever having a happy life. I felt like I had no life left in me. Just, drained all the time. Empty. I just feel guilty for not thinking I was worth protecting myself enough to leave sooner. I was sick and sleep deprived. What the fuck? I know its been 2 years already, but no...what the fuck? How can it be that people like this are so broken, that they just wanna smash the world to bits so they don't feel alone in being shattered? How can they say they "love" someone and do these things? Not even just to me, but to her child? What. The. Actual. FUCK?!
It would also seem; that the current 'hookup culture' within our society makes for excellent hunting grounds for female narcissists. Because 'love bombing' wouldn't seem unusual enough for most to raise suspicions, more like you believe you've won the local relationship lottery.
@@LiseLeblanc You provide a very valuable service. I want you to know that it's appreciated and for your to have an incentive to continue your great work. Thank you.
Thank you Lise for reading your clients’ experience and please thank your client. It was highly resonant with me, almost identical to how I felt about by FCN ex.
Usually, the borderline will be apologetic and/or take some accountability after an emotional episode (which often come out of nowhere). They are sometimes hard to tell apart.
11. beliefs and morals. the person tends to want to be good and believes that his good deeds are the right thinig. so he suffers and never thinks that he is suffering because he is good. his suffering is only because others are bad. and he insists on giving and doing good. doing bad and not doing good are considered a stain on his pure thoughts of himself. maybe the best solutioin to try and be nobody special; neither be good or bad.
OH NO! I'm Phil! I've always said I'm a fixer, I have always been the provider, protector, but going through my current relationship always walking on eggshells, feeling not good enough, and now because she all of a sudden thinks that she has never felt oneness in our relationship....I always paid the bills, and worked, even though she could have she has never, blaming BPD, (but she doesn't have that all of a sudden now) I always thought in the back of my mind that she is a hypochondriac. I FULLY identify with this testimonial at the end. OMG! I have let myself down.
You my love are a very very beautiful woman ! Fact ! You already know your smart so there you go . Thanks for the info I would rather meet you but you can't have it all ....smiles . Oh and I dont feel bad for telling you the truth ....smiles later keep going .
Guilty as charged. A narc rising to the challenges of another 10 narc. We both got hooked on the same game, even raised ou 12:01 r son. But a chronic illness has robbed her of her ability to reason, & I have become just one more enemy to her. But understanding what happened & how is helping me heal. If I do not succeed at least I will be giving the future a chance. As John Belushi used to say, I blame myself… I am fortunate to have a counselor who is an expert in tbis, who is also a trusted friend of about 20 years. “I got this…”. At least I am now playing the games of life a bit better. I take the time to “feel my feels” but have enough discipline not to dwell on them incessantly. I cannot change my past but I can own it, and head in a better direction. And maybe have a bit of magic with a bit of awareness as well. The band Romeo Void summarizes it for me. Never Say Never! -Dan, not Matt
Ouch. Definitely a cut deep situation. Reminds me of my neurologist. Known the guy for a most a decade. Mentioned not knowing too many people with whom he could discuss narcissism. Familiarity with the obvious type of narcissist. However, this past year you know as if having cancer and then going through chemotherapy isn’t difficult enough, then we end up with a covert, narcissistic girlfriend. one thing to get stabbed in the back but for that to happen both in the back and the heart has to be painful. I only know it from a parental perspective because my mother is a covert narcissist nonetheless in the medical field. I hate seeing people harmed by a covert. men and women alike Got rid of her, but it still does not cancel the pain he experienced.
I have dated for a year now but the two that I was really into had unfortunately problem: The first woman is probebly a Dissmisive Avoidant: - Not growing up with a father (he died when she was young). - Not emotionally availible, only superfical talk, no depth. - Had several short relationships in her past. She said that she could complain alot (but atleast she did know about it) - After an argument she ghosted me. The second woman is probably a Fearful Avoidant or NPD: - Her father died when she was 7 - Lied continuesly/alot - Her actions did not match her words. - Played the victim - Blame shifted - Manipulative (She told me that her ex was extremely manipulative) - Attention seeking - Insecure - Flaky - Breadcruming me - Beautiful woman - She blocked me when I confronted her about her dishonesty. The funny thing about the NPD woman, on her hinge profile she wrote: "I'm not a woman you can manipulate or cheat on."
Myself and my next youngest brother had the same issues and relationship problems with the same types as discussed here. My first (I believe) lasted for ten years no kids. His for 20 years plus three kids. I survived. He did not. We both walked on those eggshells as children around our mother as well. I keep being attracted to them but I seem to be catching them as well as myself a little faster each time but not a fast as I would like.
#5..that is me, and I have paid dearly for this and never learned my listens....I should add #7 and #9 as well...I would say these are the worst combined cases, at least for me.
It wasn't that for me, it was a case of being very young and never understanding. However, my parents fought all the time and probably had Cluster B themselves. So I was conditioned to put up with nonsense.
not much fun, but truly inspiring, IF you can make it through the red pill realization. you have been living a lie and the truth seems so weird at first.
Thanks for this in particular. You dropped so many of the patterns I've finally been able to see over the last few years. I've lived my whole life getting hurt by narcissistic women (which started with my narcissistic mother*surprise*) until finally I was hurt so badly by one and it cost me so much that I realized it didn't matter if it made me a bad person to stop trusting or caring for women. I got out and I've lost even more, but what I've gained back is my sanity. I serve myself first, always now. I might go back to trying to be in "relationships" with women again, but I'm in no hurry because I realized I need to learn to recognize what I start to look for that keeps sucking me in.
I believe my step-son has married a covert narcissist. I am seeing him change to suit her and become incredibly cruel and follow her manipulative lead. Do you have any insight on this topic? I agree there are limited resources for men in abusive relationships. There are also limited resources for parents feeling they need to go low or no contact with children.
Finally someone is speaking in this topic from men's perspective. That's very rare.
It is. But it's getting better. People are realizing that we males also ha e emotions and have some deep trauma done to us by some really wicked females. Good luck in your healing, everyone reading this. It hurts like hell, but we will all get through this.
Oh, they'll tell you everything you need to know on the first date. If the volume of being abused, ignored, or neglected as a kid is too loud you'll never hear a word she says. I've consistently made the mistake of getting people to like me instead of getting to know if I like them.
That's a great insight. The urgent need to be liked, as if this is the only other person on a deserted island, vs. deciding if WE like THEM and there is mutual complimentary qualities that will foster growth and health for BOTH people in the relationship. We don't need to please everyone, which is a fools errand anyway.
never met anyone like her before - if you listen hard people will tell you who they are from the start-please believe them.
Yupp, thank you for pointing that out
yup, my ex said it all to my face and I didn't see it fully clearly and only became glaringly obvious after detaching and objectively thinking through it all without my empathy pulling me into feeling sorry for her
She hinted, but it didn't matter.
I have to agree with you usually it's obvious at the very beginning
If you catch yourself saying, "she can't be that superficial...I'm sure she's deeper than that," you know you're slipping.
The hardest part post the discard is that the pain is so great, that it becomes hard to work on oneself when your literally just trying to get through the day without falling apart.
most times I think im doing better then realize I've dissociated staring into nothing, with memories and past events that happened just now connecting dots.
Self respect boys. Dont give misery any company. Misery is theirs and amazing life ahead is urs. Take it its all yours
Keep going. Healing takes time and persistence and I promise you it will get better. It’s not a linear path and some days are better than others. You will become stronger after this and I want to let you know that we hear you, you’re not alone and you will rise again. You got this. ❤
No one deserves to get their soul hollowed out like this. The healing process requires you to get involved and face all the darkest shit in your psyche. It's exquisitely painful but also the most rewarding journey you can ever take. This is one of the best channels. I've also found Sam Vaknin to be tremendously insightful. Godspeed.
when you are feeling down think of this; they never gave a crap about you from min 1 that you meet them, and still doesnt care after the fact.
She totally describes the me I was. I learned through the pain. Never again.
Damn. Phil sounds JUST like me lol. I feel like a fool. I spent so long trying to protect and save her and she never put even a tenth of the effort I put in into a relationship.
We must be twins.😅
If it makes you feel better, I'm a fool also. I'm tired of making the same mistake. My last relationship was far from the usual covert traits. Took awhile for me to see the pattern. Unfortunately, I was into deep before saving myself. Eventually, she discarded me and I lost too much to recover. Alcoholism, DUI, wrecked car, and jobloss.
This happened me last year with a girl i met on a dating app..the relationship moved at lightening speed..she was the first woman that didn't even want a first date and it was straight to sex..she had lived in Ireland for over ten years and she seemed to be on the move alot and using people for places to stay as the price of rent in Dublin is sky high at the moment...I'd never met a woman with such a high sex drive and only 3 weeks after we met she was telling me she loved me...I was helping her alot and eventually she found a place to rent with her friend..I painted her new room bought her flowers and new bedsheets to try n help her as she did work hard n seemed to be struggling..she fought with her friend soon after and she was on the move again I moved her 4 times to different locations within a few months..I was amazed how she could actually live like this..soon she was asking more n more about staying at my home but I didn't have the capacity to do this as I live with other people...one night I was playing pool with her..she said to me "ive a key to two other places to stay but I dont have a key to your place yet mark"..alarm bells started to go off n I started to feel she had an agenda..she asked me that same night to drop her to a "friends" house in a part of Dublin..she said it was a man and his wife..i thought ok this is really strange now why would a man n wife let her stay at their home..I dropped her off anyways and the next morning she arrived at my house..I made her breakfast and we drove to the beach and had a nice weekend together..after the beech we went for some lunch..she went the bathroom for an extremely long period of time...I thought she's acting really weird I'm starting not to thrust her..on Monday she asked me to come see her..I said I'm working I can't.. she then said I have no t enough time for her yet it was always me making the effort to come to her..I ended the relationship that day as I was getting burnt out n stopped doing alot of stuff I used to do for myself like go the gym ect..3 days after the breakup I drove by the same house I had dropped her off at..and by some miracle of the exact moment in time I spot both her n him leave the house holding hands and crossing the road up at the lights ahead of me..I was absolutely sick to my stomach...we were then in no contact and she plastered pics of her kissing him on fb and this hurt alot as i was a good bf to her all them months before and she never asked me to get into a picture with her for social media..I reached out to her 6 weeks after the breakup as I needed answers..and she told me she was getting married!!..I couldn't believe it!!..who decides to marry so fast!?.and she basically laughed at when i told her i had seen her the day i drove by that house...but sure enough she got married in less then 5 months..her n him left Ireland n went back to her home country of Lithuania..I went through a few months of depression but finally got myself back to the gym and feeling good again!..although I still get days were I feel down about it all..I dont believe her that she only met this guy 3 days after we broke up or any of that stuff about them staying at her friends house..as I seen her leaving the house with him holding hands a few days after we broke up....I always thought narcissists were materialistic but she wasn't.. I never knew about love bombing either..I was told I was and amazing perfect bf for the first 3 months..constant compliments which I found a bit strange at the time..but I gave the benefit of the doubt that she was a good person and I trusted her...but as people say..the quicker they move on shows the less they really care about you..its Been a year but I haven't gone back dating but ive Concentrated on myself..thank you for your wonderful videos lise..you do wonderful work...kind regards from Mark in Ireland 🇮🇪
I had a similar situation...very messed up women...you are lucky you moved on too! Dangerous and mentally ill people!
I can definitely identify with your story dude. Those Female covert narcissists will screw you more in three weeks than most women do in three years. It's hypnotizing, that's the point. Sex is their weapon. It's a hard lesson to learn especially coming from a wife who was alienating and Frigid.
Never Again will I welcome those sexy shapeshifters into my life for one minute let alone five years.
Ah, so you met a succubus. They will quite literally suck you dry, toss you in the trash and be on another poor bastard's arm the next day. Fun at first, but wouldn't recommend that rollercoaster to anyone.
Women want to take your power n it attracts them when u won't let them at any cost
@@clv603 what's a succubus clv?..I'm only seeing your message now sorry for the late reply..I just find the whole thing crazy when I look back at that relationship
My sister in law is one. My parents thought she was impossible to relax around. I saw a vulnerable downtrodden soul. I hit a tough patch. Isolates she bullied me almost to suicide. She had me fooled for 35 years! They are lethal manipulators
This video made me literally cry.
A year ago I was fulled by a sociopath woman, who was lying about her mother having cancer and asking money from men. This year I met a woman who now I realize she is impulsive borderline type, even though she was very sweet, charming and smart. The amount of pain I felt after these two relationship is unimaginable, to the point where I was asking God to take my life away. I'm doing therapy now. And one of the things I'll never forget from my therapist is : I will help you to be able to spot these traits early on, so you don't get involved with this kind of people again.
I grew up without a father since I was 4 years old. And my mom, even though a great mother, almost all the time judgemental and too much caring.
Glad I found this channel. It seemed that most of the other channels refer to the narcissist as he or him, leaving me to wonder why there wasn’t much material for men with narcissistic women. Cheers, and thank you!
Number 11 - being vulnerable myself. When going through difficult time I was looking for help and opened up to a wrong woman who used my vulnerability to manipulate me. She enjoyed watching me being embarrassed.
Number 12 - having stressful job. Going through common struggles make people more attracted to each other.
Number 13 - trauma bond.
An intrenched 'saviour complex' will see you destroyed.
I grew up fearful and anxious during the height of the cold war, but thats ok, I could watch superman again and again and grew up believing that the perfect ideal man performs herioc interventions given the opportunity.
You didn't merely have to be a powerless victim in the world.
So I grew up, went to Uni, and eventually came across a young teacher in the first year of teaching who lost her job. And like superman, and yes; like my father I gave her everything. I gave my course away, my future, my blood sweat and tears, and as a Christian man- waiting for the day God would roll away the stone that held her heart right up until the night I couldn’t take her cheating anymore, or her constant stock standard threat to 'take the kids away and have them raised by the man she really deserves.'
It was a bitter sense of triumph as I was down on my hands and knees in the dark tying a noose at the garage door when I suddenly realised she was standing above me.
"You know what; you're right, I'll never get to keep my kids, but I'll damn myself to hell before I spend the rest of my life sending you money to live comfortably with another man."
Her:
"Ok; well, I'll just make sure that your father pays for your funeral."
It was that moment, that I finally, completely understood what I was living with.
And as far as she was concerned when I walked into the garage that was the last time she'd ever see me alive.
I knocked the ladder over, jerked on the rope, to make it real, and stood in the dark for several hours freezing.
I watched her shadow move through the house, turn off all the lights, and I had to see it for myself.
I entered the house just in my sox so no one would hear my footsteps and stood in the door way of our bedroom listening to her breath..
sleeping like a baby.
The moral of the story:
You can be so in love with your idealism, your deeply held values, your sense of commitment that it is the most unthinkable thing to believe that the person sleeping next to you, who knows you best, doesnt think like you.
Thats called 'projection.'
You mightn't find out until it was too late. You can marry a woman who wants you to die to collect the insurance money. You are not a human being to her.
My wife once waited on the end of the phone to me while I was having a severe medical episode, just listening waiting for me to die.
This could be you.
Learn from this lady ☝
Because you could be the compassionate aged carer who's currently dating my ex wife, and you’ve completely ignored all of the dire warnings from her three kids.
Holy fuck seriously??
@@Textemple these people are everywhere. Yes; it is anecdotal testimony, and yes I often find it amazing to still be here, but I'd impress upon anyone who wants to do good in the world or at least nurture something wholesome that there are people out there who are more than willing to siphon off all your human potential.
It could be your boss, wife, husband etc.
And it'd be people you'd never believe are capable. And then beyond that you're obviously left with terminal trust issues.
Stay safe.
Now that I look back to our first date, I can see how she was subtly warning me how messed up she is, but having no awareness of personality disorders, I had no idea was i was getting myself into. Because of childhood trauma, I have always felt unlovable and will open my heart to anyone who shows interest.
Some of them will warn you or even test you to see how much you’re willing to take. I told a female client of mine that she was perfect and in a sad way she said “I wish I was”. She also told me a story of how she did a guy that she was dating wrong. The next sign was too tremendous not to ignore. I ended the budding friendship immediately
This is really a creation of mind, taking imaginery role of a saviour to save some damsel in distress! There's attraction and trauma, a two in one package when dealing with the narcissist.
I've said this several times. You describe my EX-girlfriend like you really know her. Playing the victim. Catastrophes always.
Excellent video, exactly what happened to me, but she damaged me and my life more than i should have let her. I too want to save them...
She told me flat out -- I'll never go to a therapist... Charming and Love bound..
She kept telling me I needed one and made it almost conditional.
Especially the Guilt tripping... She would always acuse me off ignoring her. Controller, no personal accountability. No Empathy. Always someone else's fault
Me being on my phone was a crime against her, but she'd be on her phone and I'd not make a big deal about it. The double standards are endless.
Thank you. I always enjoy your videos and calm, kind demeanor. - One thing I’d add is that men should never underestimate the power of the cultural zeitgeist of female narcissism. (And yes, of course, there are tons of celebrated men narcissists as well.) The difference I see though is that even little girls at a very young are being conditioned into narcissism by corporate forces, way beyond their parents. Big business is creating female narcissism. Deep pockets spending billions to engender family conflict and create female slave masters basically. It’s corporate abuse by over-praise and over-praise of all the wrong things. Corporations “golden child” young girls and young women. Corporations scapegoat boys and men (young and old). - Women raised in this cultural environment hate and manipulate their fathers too, which is important for context. If they team up with mom to lie to dad (which would be made into a joke on tv), and if the mother and the daughter are “more like friends than mother and daughter”, run for hills. A young man may have the collective disease of an entire culture on his hands, PLUS a much older narcissist mother-in-law in the shadows.
Out of all the resources I found in the past 2 years of recovering and healing, Lise's videos are one of the most helpful. And yes, I'm a man. Thank you Lise ❤
Wow! The testimony at the end sounds like it was written by me. I was only with her 18 months before I decided enough was enough. These videos have been a massive help.
Can you make a video about how to tell the difference between having a genuine moments of vulnerability when discussing past traumas while dating vs. being manipulated into becoming someone's 'saviour'? I would like to not fall into the same trap as before, as I tend to believe everything a woman I find attractive says is true. I also don't want to dismiss someone genuine by being too paranoid about this.
I would argue that true moments of vulnerability aren't really possible at beginning of relationships. Trust must be or should be gained and not assumed. Ie if someone spills the beans too soon, it's a red flag
@@rahowherox1177 That's a really good point, and gives me a lot of hope and confidence for next time. Thank you!
@@rahowherox1177 I can't even begin to tell you how well said that was. Excellent and perfectly accurate. 👍
OMG!! The letter... it's as if I wrote it - except the bad childhood part.
My ex female trauma therapist for childhood cptsd for the past 2yrs was the very definition of the textbook covert narcissist. I thought I was losing my mind and the very sense of self.Thank God for my peer support person that saw it as well and helped me break free. Now, I not only need help with cptsd but the damaged caused by my therapist.
Just to point out this is 4 months hindsight, from a great deal of research and your videos.
Think a lot of narcissists in this field its a great place to get food
As a man, I really appreciate all the advice and insights you provide in your videos. These are extremely relevant and very helpful...Thank you.
Nailed it. Well articulated! Very true in the fact, one has to look at is their own role in how it played a part in the manipulation by these types. Men have a hard time seeing the negative in their positive traits due to the conditioning of provider, protector, etc. Often times men ask themselves what they did wrong, when they did everything right,we fail to see its negative affect and our lack of boundaries( ie turn the other cheek)
Covert vulnerable narcissists use the killdeer tactic, where a a bird fakes a broken wing to draw you away from its nest when you stumble upon it, so you dont discover the nest and eggs in order to protect them only in the case of a covert, they dont want you to discover their rotten eggs that they're really hiding. Again , great discussion🕊
Been through so many Narx relationships that I could spot them with in just minutes after meeting. But I stayed because I had become seriously addicted to them, took a gazillion emotional punches and after recovery, id go right back into the same situation. It wasn't until it affected my health, that I began too seriously not allow myself to keep falling for these women. I was in complete denial about how my upbringing set me up for all of that abuse. Took me long enough to connect the emotional abuse from my Dad, is what made me so susceptible to Narcissistic Women. I'm still on my journey to full recovery, and this channel keeps me educate as well as keeping planted to not make the same mistakes in the future.
Yeah man it really is like a drug addiction. Starts off amazing, then the slow circling of the drain into hell
What kind of emotional abuse did you get from your dad that contributed that problem? Neglect? Strict? Overbearing?
@@Karll541 strick, bullying and most of all gaslighting!
@@davidbanner9344 ahh I see. I’ve fallen prey to narcissists but for me my father just wasn’t around. And when he was he was very emotional neglecting. Never providing feedback, talked to me very little. He didn’t raise me with any values. I have very poor boundaries
@@Karll541 oh yes, my poor boundaries come from my upbringing as well, though my dad was in the home, still he only spoke to me and my siblings when he was cursing us out, just being mean for no reason at all.
Thank you, working on myself. 2 toxic relationships in row its so painful
I’m in my 3rd, each presented differently.
This is my story too and when I broke off the relationship she became threatening and unsafe to me
I set some boundaries she took off -its a great way to find out who you are dealing with. say NO and see what happens
Same. ✌🏼
Spot on 👌
yup
So many things this letter said rings true for me as well.
How sad it is that we are in a place and time in society and culture that being patient, understanding, supportive, sympathetic etc. are all just targets that those will ill intent will search out. What does that say about the world we are living in? Or has this always been the way? Wise as foxes, gentle as doves. Still good advice after 2,000 years.
It makes me want to throw up just thinking about it
Always been this way. Many people's nature is to be selfish and self-serving only.
Not all! Some.. The unfortunate part is that if you got abused through these good traits you will no longer share them easily. Which might be more healthy but also more sad..
I would never give as much as freely as before, never trust tears or victim stories as easily, and never just try to save someone that quickly anymore. Which is sad, but perhaps more realistic
Shit has definitely been this way if not worse, u gotta realize data is a new thing. Lots our knowledge on the world has come very recently, plenty of phenomena on earth us humans don’t know about. Survival of the fittest theory imo explains why narcissism isn’t nothing new.
This has been going on since the beginning of mankind. The parable of the wheat and the tares for example. You must have a sharp sense of discernment if you want a healthy relationship. Lots of tares out there preying on men with great qualities and vice versa.
After falling for it once and having two kids…. I’m just choosing the option of being single and focusing on myself and my kids. What a nightmare, I’d much rather be single and live in peace.
Same I think I’ve dealt with three of these women. I understand now what to look for but I pretty much keep to myself.
so appreciate this information, I have fallen several times for Covert Narcissistic women, just got out of a relationship with one, so thank you for this!
Lise. You are incredible. You're helping so many men. Thank you.
I also want to add that the note that man wrote is also on point.
And another thing that a friend of mine messaged me once:-
"There aren't many people dedicated to love as you are. Unfortunately, bad people, especially narcissists gravitate to people like you because you're caring, attentive and they find it a challenge to break people like you. And her suggesting her behaviour was because of you is gaslighting. It's a control mechanism. You need to rediscover the things that make you worthy within yourself."
Another thing I want to add is I have barely had any relationships in my life. Women don't go for me.
But that can be OK as long as I'm happy and fine within myself.
Stay strong people.
Good riddance Stephanie.
I'm BP and most likely BPD., but did not know it when I was young and married a person that is probably a covert narcist. I have always tried to be honest with people and this was used against me. I'm glad I have a better understanding and it validates my decision to end ties with my boys. I wasn't willing to see the truth, but it will set you free.
I have my Love of God, Nature and surround myself with a feral cat colony. Let go of unhealthy relationships and try to let yourself appreciate those precious qualities we have been Blessed with.
Almost there Lise! 100k is right around the corner. 🎉🎉. Wow, you just described me. Who would have ever thought being a good, caring man would be a negative. I met mine when I was 19 and she showed red flags from the beginning, I just had no idea that it was an issue and just thought she was stubborn. Thanks to your videos, I finally have some education on what's happening. I feel like a fool for staying....
Did you grow up with parents who were caring and loving (with each other)?
@@rahowherox1177 yes but depended on the day. One day or week they were loving and caring, they would be physically and verbally fighting and tearing the house apart. It was a very Jekyll and Hyde existence. These were very physical fights as well. I won't get into all that but there was definitely emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.
@@hurricaneaquatics Thanks for reply, it's helping me understand patterns in victims... ie, why us nice guys keep being attracted to such females.
@@rahowherox1177 well, I wasn't attracted from trauma I don't think. I have always been very mentally strong. She was ten years older than me and I was 19. She had been married twice before me. So I was basically baited and manipulated. Now, Ai did witness my mother being beaten many times, I mean bad too. I was oartnif that sometimes so I always had a "savior" mentality toward all women. Not from a sexual attraction standpoint, but a safety and care standpoint. Much more to the story, but the basics. We've been married 28 years as of a couple of days ago and she ruined that too. So I've only recently within the last 4 to 5 years, found out what was happening.
@@hurricaneaquatics Thanks again, I've noticed a sort of father/daughter type relationship is common, like you say / imply, attraction seems near irrelevant
It's almost eerie how predictable these patterns are, especially when you thought what you had was so rare and unique.
After 10+ years on and off and 10 months no contact, I still have the same heartbreak I hear in other people's comments.
Your description of us is completely accurate.
Even now, I still want to hear from her and try again despite knowing how I'll be treated. Again.
Can't agree more 😢
That's me spot on in so many ways. Thanks lisa!
She covered every aspect so eloquently
Would be great to see another video about attracting covert narcissistic friends, how to spot them, what the own role is, ect.
Thanks! Your videos are spot on. They would have been invaluable to me 4,5,6 year ago when I was in the throes of a relationship with a female narcissist. I agree with every single point in every video. Truly the best advice anywhere on this subject! Thank you, Lise!
Thanks so much!
A lot of these are me, specially 9 and 10. I am the emPathetic guy who cares for a lady's feelings . I used to be worse, way worse at this. In 7 years, the last 2 months were the last ones I ever acted this way towards a woman and only because I truly loved her.
Found this channel 3 hours ago. The channel I have subscribed too in 2023❤
Erm.. was this about me? This sounds exactly like me, in many less than obvious ways 👌
I was in a relationship and the woman made false accusations against me and sent my job email that I voluntarily resigned from my employment because she was stalking and harassment and threatening to harm me. I got an order of protection and she was given 2 probation and she still hasn’t stopped trying to contact me.
I’m a text book example that she had me from the beginning
You're a blessing for the man's perspective! I can't believe of all your videos that I have watched I just found this one after watching *again* the covert narcissist going after married man. The self-awareness part that I may have these traits along w/ rescuer syndrome was a question I wondered a lot! Fortunately I didn't blow my entire life up for her - the adult in me finally rescued the right person, my inner child who was lost in limerence. Thanks again!
This was my life .... thank you so very much .
Thank you very much for this video. It made pretty clear what was going on in my relationship before I decided to end it finally.
You nailed it
I have a BPD ex, and she sort of caught me in her web the same way as this guy was caught. I am here, still feeling the pain a year and some months after our breakup (I wouldnt call it suffering anymore, since I have No anger towards this woman anymore, But I look at her with compassion since she is really suffering, and this I consider to be a step away from her), however I didnt feel that I couldnt speak up - I did. This was a Big problem between us in the beginning - me setting my boundaries, but she wasnt throwing a tantrum when it came to me setting boundaries, she was acting out for other reasons, which I later Saw was connected to me setting boundaries, but then it was too late. I was in too deep. And even though I did see it, while I was with her, I couldnt move. I remember thinking to myself, while I was in it, that it was too difficult to stay but it was too difficult to leave as well.
I felt like a fool for months after the breakup, because I did see her and I didnt make excuses for her, but my need to help her exceeded the need to help myself and get away from an obvious dysfunctional relationship. And on bad days I still feel the need to help her more than to take care of myself. But at least I know its just a feeling. She doesnt. Poor soul.
Another reason I think is having had an ill mother so you’re motivated to heal and help.
Yes very good point! You’re conditioned from a young age to adopt the helper role
@@LiseLeblanc Just to say I’ve found your work here very orientating. Thank you 🙏🏻 I’m quite a Phil!
This is me. My mother was ill. I definitely felt the need to help heal, protect, and fix.
You are the blessing Lisa
Wow you just described me to the T so much great information. Thank you so much for your insight. I went head over heals for this lady and didn't have a clue about narcissism. I do now thanks to all the information I'm still learning..
Thank you, Lise, for your work in helping all of us recover from our hurt. That letter articulated so well my characteristics that I knew I had, but couldn't put to words. May God bless you and your family for all the good you do.
Wow. Yup, pretty much me. Helpful (and hard to hear) video. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing this, Lise! It contributes to my recovery process. 🙏 I didn't want to see the red flags. My wish to be in a partnership and having a family was too high. Even got the comment: " If you can't treat each other in a more loveable way, you better split up." Decided to ignore it. Thought I can manage it. Didn't have enough information about narcissism. Paying the high price. Don't know if I will be able to trust ever again.
substance intoxication can be conceived as a self-induced narcissistic state that is sought by the consumer. As long as narcissism is an interpersonal relational phenomenon, likewise, it can take the form of drug consumption. Our conclusion is that, in the same way we conceive narcissism as a way to regulate self-esteem, we can also consider some patterns of SUDs as mechanisms of self-esteem regulation by means of self-inducing a “narcissistic state”. We propose that it is not only that some people who feel inferior or insecure look for a state of drug intoxication, but it is that some people who want to achieve a feeling of superiority seek a narcissistic state by means of this state of intoxication.
One of the things that genuinely shook me up was that, no matter how hard I tried to hold up her emotions, like they were the world and I was Atlas, The Titan. No matter how much encouragement, praise, help etc. I gave, it all ultimately came back to self-deprecation, self-sabotage, negativity and lamentation. Her Art, her cooking, her parenting, her family trauma, you name it. I have my own physical limitations and disabilities, and I just remembered how crushed I was when I felt like the things I loved to do, I wasn't good at anymore, or didn't feel like I was if I didn't have the support I got. But I gave it back in spades, because I thought I loved her, all for nothing. It always just came back to "I'm not good at this anymore *sobbing fit*" "I'm a bad mother! *threatens to commit herself*" "I'm not as pretty as you/other people." "My Fibromyalgia makes it impossible to do the things I want to!" "G-D IS DEAD!" on Passover, after I had just lead Seder for her and her 11 year old, for the first time as the head of a household, because we got a somewhat chilly response from the local Synagogue when we enquired about assistance. I felt so defeated, between that and the lack of respect for my body and my disabilities through constant blitz tackles, anaconda squeezes for bear hugs, coddle-cuddling and....A lack of respect when I told her "No." twice about intercourse because she hurt me so bad she gave me Bilateral Sciatica. She knew I already had 7 herniated discs, 5 displaced vertebrae and a reconstructed Left Tibial Plateau, with Osteoarthritis. She even made me wait outside the place we were staying in when I had to call an Ambulance, because she knew she'd get busted for neglect, again, if anyone who was a mandated reporter (I found this out after, including CPS' involvement previously in her life and her child being removed for neglect) saw the conditions we were in, between me and the kid, she would have gone to jail. I said no, because she never listened about hurting me, to the point where the second time it happened, I was soaking in the tub after just having gotten the diagnosis, and she cried at the prospect of not being able to do it on the bathroom floor with me. I said "no." She cried. I explained...she hurt me again. I didn't want to. She tried to force me to go down to the courthouse and get married, even though I told her how important having a Jewish wedding is to me. I became suicidal. My friends and family had to come get me from Upstate New York. There were live insects in my clothing and suitcases when I came home. I'm two years away now, and I'm still finding my way back to myself, instead of being her "Emotional Support Human." And I quote. I lost so much of who I was as an individual because she needed me to be a stand in for her favorite fictional characters (Howl from Howl's Moving Castle, Jack Skellington, or a Dom Deluise cartoon character, to the point of putting on "a troll in central park" and trying to initiate sex). I internalized all of it, blamed myself and felt like the lowest, most worthless motherfucker to walk this Earth. I bailed this woman and her kid out of being fucking homeless and LGBTQ+ in Iowa, and moved them and their shit, all of it, to The East Coast because that was the Damsel in Distress Moment that pulled me under. She was even letting and having her kid call me "Dad," and throw tantrums at the doctor's office, before I'd even met them in person. Because I confessed to her in private about how much I want to be one. Within 2 weeks of talking to each other on Video Chat this happened. And of course, the love bombing, the need to stay on video chat all night (sleep deprivation), the whole 9 yards.
I gave my heart, my soul, my time etc. everything, to someone who it was never enough for unless they got to hurt and use me. To feel constantly in danger between her issues, and her child's explosive anger problems that included and were not limited to hitting and violently throwing tablets across rooms. At 11. I gave up on hope, on my dreams, on myself, on ever having a happy life. I felt like I had no life left in me. Just, drained all the time. Empty. I just feel guilty for not thinking I was worth protecting myself enough to leave sooner. I was sick and sleep deprived. What the fuck? I know its been 2 years already, but no...what the fuck? How can it be that people like this are so broken, that they just wanna smash the world to bits so they don't feel alone in being shattered? How can they say they "love" someone and do these things? Not even just to me, but to her child? What. The. Actual. FUCK?!
Currently living the mans story you read its now been 4yrs.. i am very stuck, we are very codependent.. 😭
It would also seem; that the current 'hookup culture' within our society makes for excellent hunting grounds for female narcissists.
Because 'love bombing' wouldn't seem unusual enough for most to raise suspicions, more like you believe you've won the local relationship lottery.
Thanks!
Thank you for your support, it is truly appreciated!
@@LiseLeblanc You provide a very valuable service. I want you to know that it's appreciated and for your to have an incentive to continue your great work. Thank you.
Thank you Lise for reading your clients’ experience and please thank your client. It was highly resonant with me, almost identical to how I felt about by FCN ex.
Lisa is in the house 🎉😂❤
How do you differentiate between a female covert narcissist and a female borderline personality disorder?
Usually, the borderline will be apologetic and/or take some accountability after an emotional episode (which often come out of nowhere). They are sometimes hard to tell apart.
This is me through and through,, 💯%!
This was great and right on time. Thank you!
LISE u are beautiful and your words talks to my heart thanks and greetings from greece
You’re awesome, Lise.
You just described me on target 🎯. I am keeping my head down and working on myself. Thank you for your content, it is invaluable.
PHIL is my dad! In particular, putting others above his own needs.
11. beliefs and morals. the person tends to want to be good and believes that his good deeds are the right thinig. so he suffers and never thinks that he is suffering because he is good. his suffering is only because others are bad. and he insists on giving and doing good. doing bad and not doing good are considered a stain on his pure thoughts of himself. maybe the best solutioin to try and be nobody special; neither be good or bad.
Ha ha...did that man copy my life and told it to You??....My God that was spot on...accept that I was with her for 7 years!!
Try 13 years and 2 kids 😢 At least Im getting out now.
Same. 13 y and 2 kids. Patterns.
OH NO! I'm Phil! I've always said I'm a fixer, I have always been the provider, protector, but going through my current relationship always walking on eggshells, feeling not good enough, and now because she all of a sudden thinks that she has never felt oneness in our relationship....I always paid the bills, and worked, even though she could have she has never, blaming BPD, (but she doesn't have that all of a sudden now) I always thought in the back of my mind that she is a hypochondriac. I FULLY identify with this testimonial at the end. OMG! I have let myself down.
Thanks!
Thank you!
You my love are a very very beautiful woman ! Fact ! You already know your smart so there you go . Thanks for the info I would rather meet you but you can't have it all ....smiles . Oh and I dont feel bad for telling you the truth ....smiles later keep going .
Lesbian version of Phil. Phyllis? Thank you so much for your educational videos.They have helped me so much.
Excellent info👍
Excellent and enlightening information.
Trying to fix someone is not a good idea
another great one Lise. Keep em coming.
Guilty as charged. A narc rising to the challenges of another 10 narc. We both got hooked on the same game, even raised ou 12:01 r son. But a chronic illness has robbed her of her ability to reason, & I have become just one more enemy to her. But understanding what happened & how is helping me heal.
If I do not succeed at least I will be giving the future a chance.
As John Belushi used to say, I blame myself…
I am fortunate to have a counselor who is an expert in tbis, who is also a trusted friend of about 20 years.
“I got this…”. At least I am now playing the games of life a bit better.
I take the time to “feel my feels” but have enough discipline not to dwell on them incessantly.
I cannot change my past but I can own it, and head in a better direction. And maybe have a bit of magic with a bit of awareness as well.
The band Romeo Void summarizes it for me. Never Say Never!
-Dan, not Matt
Ouch. Definitely a cut deep situation. Reminds me of my neurologist. Known the guy for a most a decade. Mentioned not knowing too many people with whom he could discuss narcissism. Familiarity with the obvious type of narcissist. However, this past year you know as if having cancer and then going through chemotherapy isn’t difficult enough, then we end up with a covert, narcissistic girlfriend. one thing to get stabbed in the back but for that to happen both in the back and the heart has to be painful. I only know it from a parental perspective because my mother is a covert narcissist nonetheless in the medical field.
I hate seeing people harmed by a covert. men and women alike Got rid of her, but it still does not cancel the pain he experienced.
I have dated for a year now but the two that I was really into had unfortunately problem:
The first woman is probebly a Dissmisive Avoidant:
- Not growing up with a father (he died when she was young).
- Not emotionally availible, only superfical talk, no depth.
- Had several short relationships in her past. She said that she could complain alot (but atleast she did know about it)
- After an argument she ghosted me.
The second woman is probably a Fearful Avoidant or NPD:
- Her father died when she was 7
- Lied continuesly/alot
- Her actions did not match her words.
- Played the victim
- Blame shifted
- Manipulative (She told me that her ex was extremely manipulative)
- Attention seeking
- Insecure
- Flaky
- Breadcruming me
- Beautiful woman
- She blocked me when I confronted her about her dishonesty.
The funny thing about the NPD woman, on her hinge profile she wrote:
"I'm not a woman you can manipulate or cheat on."
This video is so true for me
Myself and my next youngest brother had the same issues and relationship problems with the same types as discussed here. My first (I believe) lasted for ten years no kids. His for 20 years plus three kids. I survived. He did not. We both walked on those eggshells as children around our mother as well. I keep being attracted to them but I seem to be catching them as well as myself a little faster each time but not a fast as I would like.
#5..that is me, and I have paid dearly for this and never learned my listens....I should add #7 and #9 as well...I would say these are the worst combined cases, at least for me.
never underestimate "little head' thinking
It wasn't that for me, it was a case of being very young and never understanding. However, my parents fought all the time and probably had Cluster B themselves. So I was conditioned to put up with nonsense.
The letter you read at the end could just as well been written by me. 😮
This is really good!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you, you help me greatly.
not much fun, but truly inspiring, IF you can make it through the red pill realization. you have been living a lie and the truth seems so weird at first.
Being a good person is one thing being a mug is something else
Hard to spot with this type of person no honestly how do they sleep at night
We need to start a blacklist of names we can run a quick search. 😂
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks for this in particular. You dropped so many of the patterns I've finally been able to see over the last few years.
I've lived my whole life getting hurt by narcissistic women (which started with my narcissistic mother*surprise*) until finally I was hurt so badly by one and it cost me so much that I realized it didn't matter if it made me a bad person to stop trusting or caring for women.
I got out and I've lost even more, but what I've gained back is my sanity.
I serve myself first, always now. I might go back to trying to be in "relationships" with women again, but I'm in no hurry because I realized I need to learn to recognize what I start to look for that keeps sucking me in.
I believe my step-son has married a covert narcissist. I am seeing him change to suit her and become incredibly cruel and follow her manipulative lead. Do you have any insight on this topic? I agree there are limited resources for men in abusive relationships. There are also limited resources for parents feeling they need to go low or no contact with children.
Is Lise describing me? 😳
And the example she gave at last, it's like she is giving the story of my ex! Damn! 😮
Her love language was receiving acts if service. I now understand what that means