This is what I think put nails in the coffin for my narc parents. When I told them I don't need or want your money, and I don't care if you wanted to send me a check for $10,000 - I DON'T WANT IT, LEAVE ME ALONE. It's been years and I haven't heard anything from them 😊
All of my family died in 5 years. All my family wealth landed in my brother's mistress hands. I walked away with my freedom and peace and no narcissist manipulation from the grave. YES!
My aunt is a CPA who does a lot of estate planning and tells stories like this all the time. She swears a family fortune can make it past the second generation without drama. 😂
My mother spent my first 20 years parenting from her bed where she was sick and dying. When I was 8 she went to the hospital to have my little brother and told me she might die then. She dangled death from different causes every year. I was amazed she lived to see me leave at age 19. It was miraculous. That continued with my siblings at home for years after. She's never had the words to say, she is enjoying life or she's feeling healthy. She's 85 now, mobile, causing drama and triangulation, complaining, and she is still dying. It must be the longest spell of a human dying in the history of man.
I have the same situation with my dad!! He first told me he was going to die "soon" (for vague, unsaid reasons) when I was 8, and I've been waiting ever since (almost 20 years). He's still freaking dying (allegedly). Idk about you, but it creates such conflict for me because I just kind of wish it was over so I could finally have something to simply greive. But that also makes me feel like a horrible person... I'm just done. I'm totally numb. It's gotta be one of the worst things a parent can do. And so fucking weird.
😂 that's so funny. "Oh, hi Ma. You're alive still, huh? You sure? This might be the afterlife. BOO! Make sure to come back & haunt me on Halloween, m'kay?"
Wow! My in-laws are like that. Father-in-law has been...dying since I met my husband, some 25 years ago. Every birthday or anniversary he hoped "to be there to see one more next year". He eventually got some cancer, which he healed completely from, yet my MIL always shoves it down to our throats whenever we disagree with him. "He is an old man, a sick man, he is your father" and so on. She had bariatric surgery, by the way, for a good 10 years now and "they operated on her stomach, she is very ill, very weak, wery tired" . This "sick man" and his "weak, tired wife" travel long distance almost every month, attend gatherings and party all night long with a vitality which we don't have in our forties. They never lifted a finger to help my husband, yet use him to help them, while putting every effort in making my married sister-in-law live a dream life, yet she's never happy... I guess it runs in the family...😅
Stress from narcissists is the main reason why the good die young. I went no contact with both my sisters. I have no doubt that they'll rob me of my inheritance by gaslighting my mother to believe they deserve it more.
It has often been said, that greatness skips a generation (or something like that). What I’ve learned is that it sometimes skips a generation, because the parents were narcissists, using and discarding their kids. Not because the parents were ever great.
About a year ago, I had a cousin who manipulated my grandfather out of a portion of the inheritance that we other grandchildren had a share in. Afterward, I decided that cutting ties with the cousin was the best decision. I went gray rock with my grandfather. I'm certain that the land my grandfather promised his grandchildren once he's gone, I will be excluded from. It's been a major lesson in making sure I've got ducks in a row because I don't have to depend on these people.
Good for you, people that are money hungry don't know what they are missing, true peace of mind and heart is absolutely priceless and it cannot be bought which is probably one of the reasons that humility is a virtue.
I know everyone's situation is different, but the most sensible thing i have heard about money/ inheritance manipulation was Jerry Wise saying, 'well, i don't have it now, and my life is ok ...'
@@Agameda1 I like Jerry. But, I’m going to take a guess, that this advice is for those who are still working, plan to never stop, never age and never get sick.
@@privateprivate8366Or aren’t disabled and living on disability. We embarrass them as our lack of “success” is a shame for them. No empathy from narc at all.
❤❤ *To all my fellow scapegoat/invisible/undermined children: we were cut out and devalued not because we weren't good enough, but because our goodness was too threatening to them.* By simply being, we held a mirror up to what they lacked: empathy, insight, compassion... Closeness with a child like that is a TREASURE they robbed *themselves* of. I want to focus now on sharing those riches with worthy people who know how to give and receive love! They ARE out there! And just like we deserve not to waste our precious time on the planet throwing pearls before swine, they deserve the good fortune of our presence! 💝 🌈🌱🌿😄🤓😃😻💐🍀💖
This is exactly what my narc parents do to me. In the past if I mentioned moving to a different state or country, they'd say, "You must really hate us if you want to move away. Well, when we're on our deathbeds you'll regret it and wish you had stayed and had that time with us." Or they'll say, "I'll have a stroke or heart attack if you leave." I'm an adult but now they don't even want me leaving their house. Their new thing is, "You'll never afford to live on your own. Get marry first then move out with your husband." It's all about control. 😔
My mother holds this card but not only were we alienated from my dad's family, she moved from her country. My parents were not there to help their parents.
I just went thru the “we expect you to visit mom before she dies” dangle. It sounds harsh but I saw no benefit to me in reopening that can of worms. A cousin of mine opted to visit her and was treated precisely how I would have been…with disapproval and insult and rejection. The regret they try to dangle has become vindication that I should trust my gut.
This is my father. Constantly threatening if i don't behave, I'll be written out of his will. Well, i finally called him on his bluff, * LIE* , and plainly stated that I know, I'm never going to be in his will, threats or not. I told him this out loud. And true to his behaviour, he's never helped, never done anything to remotely show that I am a valued and loved daughter. It's been more than 30+years. He's never shown love, given Xmas gifts, birthday, for me or my kids. I've always known this about him. He's treated me differently ever since I was a child. He has however helped his two other daughters. I was even blocked from my grandmother's ( his mother) will. Narcissism consumes the whole family generationally.
Holy fck. As a (new) father, this is so painful to listen to. Sorry for what happened, it's not your fault. You deserve a Real father. All children do.
My father is very similar to your father and his selfishness has caused me to go no contact which isn't hard because I don't hear from him anyhow. He's not going to change and I accept it and live my life without him in it. I hope you can understand that it's not you even though he wants you to think it's you or your fault it's him and his selfishness. Take care.
@@seasonsstarsstudios I'm an only child with no siblings. We could have the same type of father. Mine was selfish and didn't consider me anything but a welfare paycheck.
Boy do I know this ugly dance. I went no contact from my "father," some years ago, and he has since tried his best to get me to understand, through other relatives, that I'm to be "cut" from the will...which I was never included in, in the first place. I don't think he realizes that I know I was never included, and he is actually shocked and dumbfounded that I am and have been the only person around him whom he was not able to control with money. He was never in my life, when I was growing up, and I didn't even meet him until I was nearly 40 years old. Then, wow. What a disappointment I was, this child that he never had a hand in molding. How could I have possibly turned out so unlike what he needed for me to be?! LOL It's sad that so many people have parents like this. Most of my family is this way, too, and it makes me sick. I don't worry about getting their money or playing their hateful games, and guess what my prize is, for that? I look younger than the youngest of them, and I am far happier than any of them, despite also being far poorer, financially. :D
My dad started threatening to disinherit me as soon as I left the nest as a young adult. I’ve always assumed it’s his money to do with as he wishes and focused on building my life instead of pleasing the unpleasable. No price is worth giving up your autonomy and sovereignty to an abuser that refuses to allow you to individuate as a separate human being.
this literally happened to me this week. who are they to tell me what i’ll regret? they don’t even know me. financial manipulation is one of the most disgusting tactics. such a lack of humanity.
I am a senior, and a malignant Nic sibling, who caused much financial damage to the rest of us, wanted a get together of siblings and cousins (two other Ns in there) on the theory that some of us might die soon so we should convene to see each other ( i.e., to admire his summer place) while we all can. Not happening for me. Have gone as low contact as possible, and not violating that decision! And there is no perception of my point of view/feelings! Just think I will “regret” not reuning! Ha!
@@patriciafry8634 you are standing in your empowerment 👏 your comment & other comments like them remind me why my decision to draw the line is valid. we are our own people with our own personhoods. to deny our inner freedom for the sake of “family” is spiritual death. keep speaking your truth!! 🗣️
My elderly parents are wealthy but told me during Covid that they've sorted out their will so that my youngest brother (their favourite) will get almost all of their properties and assets (knowing he already has a big house and lots of wealth and I don't), and that I "might get a little something" but they need to "see how it goes". Well, I finally walked out after they went at me like a pack of vicious wolves, so that means nothing for me. And it got to me - for a while. Now I've realised how I'm allowing them to hurt me with this and how it's affecting my health. So I don't give a fiddler's fart any more. Their golden boy, who they did a good job of turning against me, can have the lot. I just need my peace of mind now. That's worth more than anything, and it feels so liberating! By the way, in Germany inheritance is equally shared among siblings or the next closest relatives. You can't just cut them out.
In Germany they can put you on 50%, but not on 0%. And the Berliner Testament works for me, because if my father´s dying first, my demonic narcisstic "mother" can´t even put me down to 50%.
@@georgeevie6134 In Germany, all asset transfers within 10 years before the testator's death are counted as part of the estate. If siblings receive more than they are legally entitled to, they must pay this part back. This also applies if the testator leaves his assets to the church or animal welfare organization, for example. In Europe, especially in Germany, it is not so easy to deprive your heirs of their rightful inheritance. I know that, but they don´t! 🤑😎
who cares, true peace of mind and heart can never be bought, it doesn't work that way, it comes from humility and working to provide for yourself, it may be tiring at times but at least your soul and mind stay in one piece.
After years of no contact, I would reject anything given to me in a will... I'd rather not accept a single dollar from people who wouldn't help me in life
I see a number of comments where people talk about making their own money and being free of this. Some of us were so abused we have chronic health problems brought on by it and self esteem issues that crippled us most of our lives. I healed my self esteem enough to start functioning like a normal person in my mid thirties, hence I am behind financially. Some narcissists convince their children that they will never make it in the world, they teach them to faun to the point where they irritate bosses and co-workers, they teach them to hate themselves enough that they are not the type to do well in interviews or ask for a raise.
I just want to say please don’t feel too bad for behind “behind”. I’m almost 24 and I’m still at home, I feel like the abuse I’ve endured all of my life from my father has really stopped me from moving out at an earlier age and having a healthy relationship with myself and my self worth. I am so damaged but I need to make the decision to move out this year. I need to flat/ house share with other people which is a bitter pill to swallow as 1 in 5 people are narcs, but I have to just deal with it as I’m never going to find a flat just for myself, and if I do then that’s a miracle in and of itself. I’m kind of ashamed it’s taken me this long to build up the courage to just leave my comfort zone to be enjoy my life away from the abuse I receive at home. I hope I can do this soon. I really hope I can get out soon, my narc father has taken so much from me and my mother already (we have asthma from sustained mental abuse amongst other things).
@@brandonhealy7158you *can* do it. It feels like stepping off a cliff, but you're a fledgling bird and you have wings, you just need to learn to use them. There will be a few bumpy landings along the way, but the freedom you will find is amazing. I was 19 when I escaped my narc father, and 42 when I left an abusive husband. Don't compare where you get to with other people, just with where you've come from. It WILL be better.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
My narcissistic mother is too broke to make these kind of threats. What she does do is threaten suicide or wishing she would die when she’s losing her control.
That’s a really difficult one. My father has threatened suicide at least twice from what I remember. I don’t want to say anything that might influence you as I’m not a therapist, but just be really careful with the narcissist. And remember don’t feel guilty if they do unalive themselves. They are demons and not humans.
My real inheritance will be the rest of the family saying "they're dead now, you can be part of the family again" followed by several minutes of uncontrollable laughter on my side. Calling it now, that will be the quote. Watch me edit this in 20 years with some "called it" 😂
Coming to terms with the harsh realities of wills and manipulations therein, is one of the harshest realities we face. Because it's not about love. It's about conditional love. And it's not that conditional love is not important -- it IS, obviously. But there are levels of conditional love, and there is a so- -rare-thing called unconditional love, which is what we all need and needed growing up.
Ugh that reminds me of when my N dad was dying of cancer and everyone told me I would regret not reconciling with him when he passes. They only realized how serious I was during the funeral where I was "visibly unphased" according to my N mom.
Or my favorite. "She is your mother, and you will miss her because you only get one mom!" My mother died a few yrs ago, and do I dare say, "I don't miss her."
I’ve been no contact with my mother for 7 years. I’ve been no contact with my father for 3. The day I went no contact with my father I called my brother to tell him that I probably just made him a millionaire. We talked about what would we do if they did leave me out of the will and he got everything. In the end I told him to just focus on his family. He has children, I don’t. It makes sense that he gets the lions share since he has future generations to think of. I’m happy with that. It’s freeing to be able to give up on those “what ifs” and pull yourself off that hook.
Phenomenal video, I walked away for my peace of mind and health. I am working on releasing the guilt. Thank you Dr Ramani, this is one of your best videos ever. 🙏
This is another toxic behavior passed down through generations. We are child free & multiple relatives are wondering where we will be leaving our money… trust me it won’t be to any of them!
My narc mother has threatened me all my life that when she died she would come back to haunt me so I felt guilt or shame. Then she wrote letters to anyone who would listen like a printing press of how awful I was saying not to tell me when she died, and they listened to her-I found out on Facebook, when all the while the world is a better place now that she is no longer spreading lies and hate.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is a real thing. My late narcissistic mother dangled a carrot over all of the children's head for years! - showing us deeds and how much wealth we would inherit. Fast forward to her elderly life, just out of the blue she stated "I'm not leaving you kids anything. "I've paid for my own burial and that's all." Upon her death, the golden child/narcissist in training sister had transferred whatever assets mother had into her own possession and control. She bragged about how she had planned it all and began to wield power over the rest of the siblings. This same narc sister would always make threats about what would happen "in the end" . I thought that was so bizarre and presumptuous of her. My other siblings were easily bought and sold during this time. As for myself, I didn't hang around for more toxic manipulation. When my mother passed away, I honored and attended the funeral. After that, I was glad to distance myself and be done with the whole Sh*@!!T Show. -Peace, Prayers, and Prosperity to everyone. 🕊😊.
Lol…she used this so much growing up it has Zero effect now. Money and materials will never persuade me if it comes at the cost of my peace. This trait has actually helped me navigate life so I’m grateful that I can’t be bought.
i was helping my elderly neighbor. He said he would include me in his will. But then, if i didn't do what he wanted when he wanted, he'd say "i'm gonna have to make some changes in my will". I went no contact 8 months ago. He's flipping out, but he will get nothing to work with from me.
My narc father passed a few years ago. What he left us was a rented unit (appartment) FULL of mostly rubbish that had to be sorted and got rid of (he was a horder, took 6 adults 6 weeks working every day). There were a few pieces of heirloom furniture that had belonged to my grandparents and tens of thousands of dollars of debts. I cried at the funeral, not from regrets or what had been, but for what had never been. The eulogies were all about how wonderful he was, how community minded, the great things he had done for others. My words to my cousin (on my mother's side, a middle aged psychologist) were "why couldn't he be like that for us?"
My first husband’s grandmother used to say “this could be my last Christmas” to get us to spend the holidays with her and not my family. After the second time, I called her out on it and it never happened again.
I ghosted my narcissistic parents using death dangling and trash talking me for daring to give them all my savings to renovate their house but I got married and didn't move back in with them. I don't regret it. I can't see how I would even regret it. When I left for uni, I paid for my rent and food and helped them out with help and money and what they wanted was a slave. They literally said they didn't raise me to be someone else's slave. I understood that they raised me to be theirs. They said it to me the day before my wedding that they expected me to enjoy marriage for 6 months and not have children then divorce and move back to pay their bills so they can enjoy retirement. Oma Desala once said: "The only way to win is to deny it battle!" And I did.
This particular issue is highly relevant to me. For context, my father is not in the picture and I'm an only child. My mother, whom has traits aligning with self-righteous and vulnerable narcissism, would constantly threaten me, as an adolescent, to not leave me a penny when she felt slighted/had ego injuries supposedly "caused" by my behaviour. This was usually in the form of her seeing my academic underachievement due to my having undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. She felt that because I was allegedly, "lazy" and "wasting my potential", she would not leave money to a "good-for-nothing layabout" as she so callously put it. She also had a real knack for claiming that my behaviour CAUSED her negative emotions, especially rage. She also would claim that "I can't focus at work because of you" and "I'm making mistakes at work BECAUSE of you", and "If I lose my job because of all the mistakes I'm making, it will be YOUR fault." In 2021, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in 2021, just before my 23rd birthday. All of a sudden, I see her texting me that "you're the centre of my world" and that "you're the only person I truly love". "I will leave you all my estate when I die". Today I am extremely enmeshed with her and I feel absolutely obliged to keep contact with her to maximise my chances that I do get the inheritance that she promised. I feel that the money would be invaluable for me to get high-quality trauma therapy and treatment for my autism.
I was told by narc that she heard I could fight the will after her death. I said give me something to sign right now. I want nothing, probably will be haunted/cursed anyway 😅
In my country there's a law statement: "rejection of inheritance". They have NO CONTROL over that, they can do whatever in their will, the person who gets the inheritance will always have the right to pass it on. If there is no more people to pass on to, then the state will inherit all the wealth and all the debt. This mechanism is there to ensure that parents can't fck up their children's life financially with a final act.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It’s been a bit over 4 years since I found you on you tube… I had started therapy 4 months prior… I’m about to “graduate” from CBT… but I just want to say… you helped me so much… I had no idea I was a child w a narcissistic mother … I still remember your saying “You were ROBBED” and from there… my perspective completely changed… and I did go no contact with my mom… only to learn I would lose my dad too.. but putting myself first has been so healing… thank you again for all you do!
My ex narc and daughters stand to inherit millions from his family while I lost everything in the marriage. I live in a small apartment and have a decent income. My peace of mind is priceless.
My narc mom did this all the time when I was a kid. She constantly told me she’d leave all her money to someone else if I didn’t do XYZ for her. I clearly had eyes and could see she didn’t even have anything to leave me and was stingy now with what she did have.
My mother had a stroke in January of this year. After six months of caring for her my husband and I came back home. And she has been non-stop with the toxic behavior. A month ago I was diagnosed with liver failure and she needs to remind me daily that she had a stroke. I am looking at a liver transplant and how dare I receive the medical care I need. I told her I am not traveling 6 hours. She is able to care for herself and walks 10 miles a week and has a companion to help her. I can't even walk 50 feet and my husband needs to help me with all my activities of daily living.
My mom was the queen of death dangling. It’s been a few years since she passed and I’m just beginning to come to terms with all of it. Taking care of her pushed my physical and mental health to the brink. When she passed, I mostly felt relief. Now I am working to avoid falling into this dynamic in the future.
I've seen sparring over money when someone passes, people start hating each other over money, people who liked each other before the death of a loved one. It's true, no parent is obligated to leave anything. I am not looking for anything from either parent. Keeping peace sounds great.
My Mom passed 10 months ago. Our stepfather had put two Morgan Stanley accounts in his own name. We were about to loose 400K & made calls to retired Morgan Stanley account representatives to rectify the situation. We were lucky. Fudiciaries supercede a will. Dot your Ie's and cross your tee's. And you still might not receive what was dangled before you for a lifetime.
Brilliant explanations and examples. The scope of these videos always include more than enough information to grasp the concept and make a well-informed, personal decision. Once again, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You and your amazing Team for everything you do for this community.
A lot of people view money's value as being its ability to buy things. That's wrong. Money's value comes from the freedom it gives you. After achieving material security... you don't need more stuff. It is just clutter. By the time you could inherent, you will have had enough time to becoming materially security through your own means. Sticking around to inherent is foolish. You're giving up freedom on the front end to.... maybe get freedom on the backend? Inheritance should not be thought about, planned/counted on, or factored into any life plan. You aren't getting one, there is no such thing, move on. If you end up getting a surprise windfall, good for you, that's a nice surprise
Exactly. I don't need more 'stuff', like you. Lord knows how I did it, but I made small sensible decisions 30 years ago, that gave me great freedom - to live a very simple life - on my own terms. Away from the manipulation
For those who need to hear it, I stayed for 40 years because I was promised $20 million. Every form of violation imaginable. When he died, he had spent it all and only had $34,000 left which he didn't even leave to me.
Mine has a spare daughter too but she's also a narc. I'm done with them all so egg donor will likely be put into a home paid by the government. And someone will try to make me feel guilty for that 😂. Won't work though
@@nopereradicator I think I get the "spare daughter" now. My partner wants to get one more "spare kid" in case something happen to "this one". (I realized she was a narcissist a bit too late). Fck these people are soul-less
Parents 80 and a younger sibling. I went full no contact in Feb Every day is better than the day before. I started smiling again about a month ago. I’m starting to feel the peace I haven’t felt in 35yrs I’d change my name if I were younger. I’m not going to any funerals and I don’t want a dime or the dust.
Some of us have no money due to poor health, and no choice but to be manipulated by the narcissist. One year I’ve lived with my elderly mother and I’m completely exhausted, not helped by the only family member nearby deciding to bully me because he thinks I’m a parasite. Although somehow this madness and the resulting narcissism research and self development have cleared something in my brain. I’m no longer bothered. I have bought myself some noise cancelling headphones and I just let her talk and say ‘yes’ and ‘ok’ occasionally. She doesn’t seem to care that I can’t hear her🤣.
Going on 3 years of No contact with my entire family. It’s the hardest thing I have done and the most freeing. I was never going to get anything without attachment and I don’t need anymore strings.
I have heard this before. I had to learn to not be drawn in by money. My mother was very upset, when I said I’d give any money to charity. Like, why? It’s charity!
Death dangling is also seen in narcissistic partners. In the early stages of my relationship, he made it seem as if he was really really sick (stomach cancer) and that he had diabetes and he would probably die soon, so I felt bad, stuck around and 14 years later still dandy. Of course, thanks to doctor Ramani I am no longer with him but it was something that was pointed out by my closest friends, that he would make it seem as if he was dying. Stay safe people. Take care of your health
My parent tried this with me. I don't accept money with strings, period. My sibling fell for the gag, hung around taking abuse for years, only to find there was nothing left. 😢
Cut my father out in 2018 fully accepting this meant losing any inheritance. My happiness in life is priceless. Found out a few weeks ago by accident. In Scotland (where I live) you can't disavow your children by will or by omission. Weirdly made me feel quite good. Not because of the inheritance. But because I know this will drive my abuser insane. And he likely knows now. As he is terminally ill and has months to live. Yet still hasn't even attemtped to mend bridges (not that I would accept that anyway).
Sounds like my mom. When i qutit contact she let me know through my sisters that I will regret this, that this could have been the last moment I sawher in my life. I turned that around for once. My answer: Exactly! This could have been the last time she saw me! Never heard something like that again. But then she started a smear campain.
my dad has no money to give, but he's been telling me he's going to die "soon" since I was a little girl (either from physical ailments or offing himself). I find now, at 26, that I'm just numb to the idea of him dying, but that brings its own discomforts, of course. He does a really good job of painting me as a cold evil daughter who isn't there for him and is therefore effectively offing him myself. I mostly just really grieve my childhood image of him and wish so deeply that I had a dad who wasn't such a tragic figure in my life. I wish I had a normal dad I could just talk to and it be chill and not all this dramatic (and terribly depressing) dying stuff all the time.
I am one of many, who could write the book on this. My mother never actually threatened that she’d disinherit me. But, between her making us (but mostly me, as the oldest), responsible for her losing a legal case, her making a bit of a threat if I married out, the triangulation, the coercion to remain in place for abuse and the discard, the writing was on the wall. This, along with, I guess, my former sister’s belief that, whatever I inherited, if I did, she was entitled to, whenever I would pass, hence the death match to control me and the estate, once mom passed. This, other than the fact that her decades-long absence did not have to be accounted for, in her little mind, as opposed to my 4 year absence, in going no contact, to not deal with the folie a deux, they seemed to become. As I’ve described, this nut has been a worse version of our mother, acting like the T-1000, melting in the vat, in Terminator 2. In typical-narcissistic behavior, she’s absolutely lost her mind and felt that I’ve “ruined her life”, merely because I’ve obtained half of the inheritance. For those who’ve recommended I walk away from my share of the inheritance, the reality is that it’s a risk and an individual decision. I know whether I’m prepared for retirement or whether I have to drop dead on the job, if I’m even able to continue working. Most would recommend the later, while I give everything away to someone who did nothing to help their parents, while I helped them build their businesses. I’m also a bit of a prepper and am well aware that most people have no idea what might be coming, even with the writing literally all over the wall. So, I simply cannot afford to lean into my own destitution and, from the looks of things, for a lot of people, they can’t either. So, at least for me, it isn’t entirely about feeling as if I’m fighting for what’s right. It’s about knowing that, having a decent job, doesn’t mean I don’t know that companies rid themselves of people, as if it’s pure whimsy, while some Neanderthal snatched up what I could’ve had, to feed and shelter myself.
And their relatives pile in on it. Currently receiving abuse from relatives for not taking away their car keys or allowing them to go outside , dig up bushes, trip and fall.
Was “raised” as one of 3 kids in what I now know to be a highly dysfunctional “family”. Narc mother, aspd father both telling me “I love you”; “we love you all equally”; “when we die you will each get a third of the will” (weird now I think about it that they were talking about dying so often to young kids). Well they emphatically lied about the first two things, was hard to walk away from 2 large inheritance but what helped was that there was a high chance I could stay forever and still not get anything - at the cost of my time, my life. No deal. Sociopath sister will likely steal/manipulate to get all material things anyway if I stay or go so I went. Don’t buy into any of their bullshit, they just want to make sure they (in their minds) will have power and control after death. Walk away and don’t look back.
Yes, so many horror stories of narcs willing everything away to even a non-biological relative. Ain't worth it. I love where I live now, with good friends. Still sad about my parents' betrayal -- hundreds of thousands of dollars lost due to their greed and manipulation. But money can't buy everything. Good friendships sustain my soul. I can earn money for myself. And I know all the money my mother thinks I want (projection of course) will be used up for her memory care anyway in the end. Sad but true. 24/7 nursing care in California is $20-30/hour, which is over $20,000 a month. Not sustainable with what my mother has. And since she greedily sucked alla my money out of me, I can't take care of her either, even with filial law. State nursing home for you, Mom.
My mother will allow my spouse to keep his possessions at her home, but if I ask it's a straight up no. When my ex cheated and was caught when they had a car crash (while we dated) he knew he wouldn't be made to leave regardless of my reaction. He stayed close to my mother.
What really woke me up was that my mother has changed her trust three times! I’m sure the attorneys love that! Thank you Dr. Ramani. This can feel painful for many of us. It’s good to know this is just another way for the narcissist to hurt us.
Literally my exact life too........... moving countries and all.... - all the manipulation for over 10 years with both parents - they are divorced of course... endless...👍❤❤❤
In at least one state (dunno about others), the law states that under some circumstances, after your parents pass, you can go to a judge and fight for what part of your parents' estate should rightfully go to you. For many of us, that's the only real recourse.
My narc parent: "What will you do when I die?" Answer: Apparently, get the dollar you left me, plus what is so far the best sleep in my entire life. Dollah bill, y'all! 💸😴
My covert narcissist mother told me to come to dinner, saying " mummy will have soup for you". I am 61.For God's sake. Her mother did the same crap to her and she hated it, but cant see or wont admit she does it to me.
@@robinantonio8870 yeah, if my grandparents were narcissists (especially grandaddy), my mother certainly topped them! My sister now? The orangutan narcissist.
@@nivision I had a conversation with my mother, a few years before she died. I don’t remember the context of it, but the take away for me, was that she saw herself as superior, over her own mother (my grandmother). While she was a much more talented, career-oriented and beautiful woman, than grandma, my only thought was, “Huh? You arrogant ‘B’!” I always wondered whether it also had anything to do with my mother being wheelchair bound, as a child, because she had a heart condition and grandma pushed her around in that wheelchair. So, maybe she thought grandma was her servant, too.
@@privateprivate8366 in her mind, viewing her mother as a servant was probably highly preferable to seeing herself as disabled and needing help. they cling to superiority illusions and delusions like their life depends on it, but those of us they "made" genetically or raised? triple so. certainly don't show them up in life achievements in a way that can't find a way to take credit for. mine didn't even have custody of me from ages 2 through 16, she still did this. she'd turn every interaction into a way to invent a "favor" to do me that wasn't asked for it even wanted just to have something to try to hold over me.
YES ThEY DO !!!!!!!!!💀 Burns me up every time I hear it. Especially since I know that he is more likely than not going to give it to attorneys to fight a divorce. Pitiful.
My parents didn't do that. They just pulled the rug out from under me - their go to tactic - leaving me with a stack of bills. However, since my name wasn't on any of it I wasn't liable. I refused to take care of them at their end of life. May they get everything they deserve.
I knew a woman with a considerable Estate worth well into the 7 digits, who played the Death Dangle game with her children and grandchildren whenever she felt that they weren't paying enough attention to her. It was a game that she played with them from an early age. Always said in a light but meaningful tone: 'Have you heard from (insert a family member's name)? No? I haven't heard from him/her either for a while. Well, I could just forget that they exist.''. This one was deliberately worded in a manner that also acted as a warning to those listening that they too will be cut out of the Will should they not pay her enough attention. 'I think I will sell the house. It's just me here now and no one comes to visit me.' Said to an adult child and spouse who had bought a nice property several hours away. They responded with, 'That sounds like a great idea!. Sell the property and buy something smaller in an area that you like more.' which instantly took the wind of the her sails. The rest of the family, however, grabbed the hook and doubled down on their efforts to remain in her good graces. It was rather sad to watch. 'The money is to be divided between (names her favourites), but (names grandchildren she felt had slighted her) are to be given a percentage of her life insurance 'and not a penny more', and nothing is to go to the farm (using the word 'farm'' instead of someone's name, letting everyone know that the adult child who co-owned the property mentioned did not stand a chance of inheriting anything because of the spouse, whom the MIL did no like). Those were just a few Death Dangles that this woman would cast out into the family sea to see who would take the bait. And when she died, the reactions of most of the potential beneficiaries turned into a feeding frenzy, leaving those who were not demanding everything to step in and make sure the Will was followed to the letter. Humorous to watch, yet rather sad.
Oh definitely. My mother threatened that her house would never be mine in a fight we had. A few months before her death she went with my neighbor and cut me out of her will, leaving everything to him.
@@alessandrasaenz72 both my mother’s houses are a dump, but I got the better one. Either she didn’t leave a Will or my sister destroyed it, because it looks like my stepfather’s Will says I get everything, which I wasn’t even planning on doing. I’d have given my ner do well sister one home. But she didn’t feel the same. Wanted all. Nope.
My grandfather death dangled for my entire life. The sentence “I’m going to die soon” or “when I die…” immediately makes me think of my grandfather. When he finally passed when I was 41, my siblings and I didn’t care and were just grateful that our mom was free. Sadly he made her the executor and left a giant mess that she’s still trying to resolve and close out his estate. He’s managed to still manipulate her from the grave. I can’t wait for her to be FINALLY FREE!
My mom used to talk endlessly about her impending death decades before it finally happened. From every possible angle - who gets what, what we should do with the house, car, pets, etc. Every time I visited: "Go through the house and pick out what you want to keep after I'm gone." A big ego trip is all it was. When her time finally came, she didn't give a crap about any of it.
I’m so aware of this type of manipulation. She’s tried doing this for many years. Thank you. Didn’t buy it then, not buying it 40 years later. They’ve never been able to play that one. Thank you. Freedom is priceless 🤍
I don't care about my mother's money. It's hers and I know how to make my own. Freedom is priceless.
I agree wholeheartedly. I want NOTHING from these toxic people. I simply long for freedom and peace.
Agreed! ❤❤❤
Yes indeed ❤❤❤
@@AvaJulani well said, I agree ❣️
I agree 100%. No money is worth getting manipulated.
Dont expect anything and live your life authentically.
This is what I think put nails in the coffin for my narc parents. When I told them I don't need or want your money, and I don't care if you wanted to send me a check for $10,000 - I DON'T WANT IT, LEAVE ME ALONE.
It's been years and I haven't heard anything from them 😊
All of my family died in 5 years. All my family wealth landed in my brother's mistress hands. I walked away with my freedom and peace and no narcissist manipulation from the grave. YES!
That is called karma. They never got to enjoy the fruits of their evil.
@@LValley-kz3yc good way to look at it
Wow, the mistress..so gross
wow
My aunt is a CPA who does a lot of estate planning and tells stories like this all the time. She swears a family fortune can make it past the second generation without drama. 😂
My mother spent my first 20 years parenting from her bed where she was sick and dying. When I was 8 she went to the hospital to have my little brother and told me she might die then. She dangled death from different causes every year. I was amazed she lived to see me leave at age 19. It was miraculous. That continued with my siblings at home for years after. She's never had the words to say, she is enjoying life or she's feeling healthy. She's 85 now, mobile, causing drama and triangulation, complaining, and she is still dying. It must be the longest spell of a human dying in the history of man.
I believe you. My mom has been talking of dying since she was 50.
She turned 88yrs last month and is alive
I have the same situation with my dad!! He first told me he was going to die "soon" (for vague, unsaid reasons) when I was 8, and I've been waiting ever since (almost 20 years). He's still freaking dying (allegedly). Idk about you, but it creates such conflict for me because I just kind of wish it was over so I could finally have something to simply greive. But that also makes me feel like a horrible person... I'm just done. I'm totally numb. It's gotta be one of the worst things a parent can do. And so fucking weird.
Converts are always the victim and yes, this sounds like the longest death dangle in human history
😂 that's so funny. "Oh, hi Ma. You're alive still, huh? You sure? This might be the afterlife. BOO! Make sure to come back & haunt me on Halloween, m'kay?"
Wow! My in-laws are like that. Father-in-law has been...dying since I met my husband, some 25 years ago. Every birthday or anniversary he hoped "to be there to see one more next year". He eventually got some cancer, which he healed completely from, yet my MIL always shoves it down to our throats whenever we disagree with him. "He is an old man, a sick man, he is your father" and so on. She had bariatric surgery, by the way, for a good 10 years now and "they operated on her stomach, she is very ill, very weak, wery tired" .
This "sick man" and his "weak, tired wife" travel long distance almost every month, attend gatherings and party all night long with a vitality which we don't have in our forties. They never lifted a finger to help my husband, yet use him to help them, while putting every effort in making my married sister-in-law live a dream life, yet she's never happy...
I guess it runs in the family...😅
Stress from narcissists is the main reason why the good die young.
I went no contact with both my sisters. I have no doubt that they'll rob me of my inheritance by gaslighting my mother to believe they deserve it more.
A worthy price to pay
It has often been said, that greatness skips a generation (or something like that). What I’ve learned is that it sometimes skips a generation, because the parents were narcissists, using and discarding their kids. Not because the parents were ever great.
😢
Your physical and mental health, peace of mind is well worth protecting at all cost.
About a year ago, I had a cousin who manipulated my grandfather out of a portion of the inheritance that we other grandchildren had a share in. Afterward, I decided that cutting ties with the cousin was the best decision. I went gray rock with my grandfather. I'm certain that the land my grandfather promised his grandchildren once he's gone, I will be excluded from. It's been a major lesson in making sure I've got ducks in a row because I don't have to depend on these people.
Walked away from 3 million+. My narcissistic sister can have it all. Not selling my soul for anything here on this earth.
Good for you, people that are money hungry don't know what they are missing, true peace of mind and heart is absolutely priceless and it cannot be bought which is probably one of the reasons that humility is a virtue.
Don’t expect anything from a narcissist and mind your life the best you can.
I went 100% no contact, and I don't need their money or trinkets. I am self-made and have everything I need already.
Good on ya.👍
I know everyone's situation is different, but the most sensible thing i have heard about money/ inheritance manipulation was Jerry Wise saying, 'well, i don't have it now, and my life is ok ...'
This! 💯🎯
@@Agameda1 I like Jerry. But, I’m going to take a guess, that this advice is for those who are still working, plan to never stop, never age and never get sick.
@@privateprivate8366 it's why it's not applicable to all situations. I acknowledge to some, and inheritance could be live changing
@@privateprivate8366Or aren’t disabled and living on disability. We embarrass them as our lack of “success” is a shame for them. No empathy from narc at all.
Absolutely. Whenever the narcissist tries to tap on your empathy, zap with a dismissive comment.
❤❤ *To all my fellow scapegoat/invisible/undermined children: we were cut out and devalued not because we weren't good enough, but because our goodness was too threatening to them.* By simply being, we held a mirror up to what they lacked: empathy, insight, compassion... Closeness with a child like that is a TREASURE they robbed *themselves* of. I want to focus now on sharing those riches with worthy people who know how to give and receive love! They ARE out there! And just like we deserve not to waste our precious time on the planet throwing pearls before swine, they deserve the good fortune of our presence! 💝
🌈🌱🌿😄🤓😃😻💐🍀💖
Omg this comment was the love I needed. MUAH! Thank you so much!
@@MoneySoul Yay! 😃❤❤
@@MoneySoul 😄💖
This is exactly what my narc parents do to me. In the past if I mentioned moving to a different state or country, they'd say, "You must really hate us if you want to move away. Well, when we're on our deathbeds you'll regret it and wish you had stayed and had that time with us." Or they'll say, "I'll have a stroke or heart attack if you leave." I'm an adult but now they don't even want me leaving their house. Their new thing is, "You'll never afford to live on your own. Get marry first then move out with your husband." It's all about control. 😔
My mother holds this card but not only were we alienated from my dad's family, she moved from her country. My parents were not there to help their parents.
God help us 😊
Sooo? What are you going to do, now, that you know how narcissism works?
Literally my exact life too...........👍 moving countries and all....
Who knew Princess Daisy had such a hard upbringing...?
I just went thru the “we expect you to visit mom before she dies” dangle. It sounds harsh but I saw no benefit to me in reopening that can of worms. A cousin of mine opted to visit her and was treated precisely how I would have been…with disapproval and insult and rejection. The regret they try to dangle has become vindication that I should trust my gut.
@@mariehughey5390 smart choice.
It's all to lure you in for abuse. No amount of money is worth it. 😢
This is my father. Constantly threatening if i don't behave, I'll be written out of his will. Well, i finally called him on his bluff, * LIE* , and plainly stated that I know, I'm never going to be in his will, threats or not. I told him this out loud. And true to his behaviour, he's never helped, never done anything to remotely show that I am a valued and loved daughter. It's been more than 30+years. He's never shown love, given Xmas gifts, birthday, for me or my kids. I've always known this about him. He's treated me differently ever since I was a child. He has however helped his two other daughters. I was even blocked from my grandmother's ( his mother) will. Narcissism consumes the whole family generationally.
Holy fck. As a (new) father, this is so painful to listen to. Sorry for what happened, it's not your fault. You deserve a Real father. All children do.
My father is very similar to your father and his selfishness has caused me to go no contact which isn't hard because I don't hear from him anyhow. He's not going to change and I accept it and live my life without him in it. I hope you can understand that it's not you even though he wants you to think it's you or your fault it's him and his selfishness. Take care.
Are you sure we don’t have the same father? Because this is exactly mine.
@@seasonsstarsstudios I'm an only child with no siblings. We could have the same type of father. Mine was selfish and didn't consider me anything but a welfare paycheck.
Boy do I know this ugly dance. I went no contact from my "father," some years ago, and he has since tried his best to get me to understand, through other relatives, that I'm to be "cut" from the will...which I was never included in, in the first place. I don't think he realizes that I know I was never included, and he is actually shocked and dumbfounded that I am and have been the only person around him whom he was not able to control with money. He was never in my life, when I was growing up, and I didn't even meet him until I was nearly 40 years old. Then, wow. What a disappointment I was, this child that he never had a hand in molding. How could I have possibly turned out so unlike what he needed for me to be?! LOL It's sad that so many people have parents like this. Most of my family is this way, too, and it makes me sick. I don't worry about getting their money or playing their hateful games, and guess what my prize is, for that? I look younger than the youngest of them, and I am far happier than any of them, despite also being far poorer, financially. :D
My dad started threatening to disinherit me as soon as I left the nest as a young adult. I’ve always assumed it’s his money to do with as he wishes and focused on building my life instead of pleasing the unpleasable. No price is worth giving up your autonomy and sovereignty to an abuser that refuses to allow you to individuate as a separate human being.
My mother used to threaten "I will disown you". smh.
Amen! Well said!
My mom in a nutshell. I left at 14 and got help from social services but DAMN it was hard living with her. I am so happy I left!
What a smart move! Myself and mom were both trauma bonded to the narc.
this literally happened to me this week. who are they to tell me what i’ll regret? they don’t even know me.
financial manipulation is one of the most disgusting tactics. such a lack of humanity.
yep. they will do anything to control you.
I am a senior, and a malignant Nic sibling, who caused much financial damage to the rest of us, wanted a get together of siblings and cousins (two other Ns in there) on the theory that some of us might die soon so we should convene to see each other ( i.e., to admire his summer place) while we all can. Not happening for me. Have gone as low contact as possible, and not violating that decision! And there is no perception of my point of view/feelings! Just think I will “regret” not reuning! Ha!
@@patriciafry8634 Good for you! Protect your peace!!!! xo
@@patriciafry8634 you are standing in your empowerment 👏 your comment & other comments like them remind me why my decision to draw the line is valid. we are our own people with our own personhoods. to deny our inner freedom for the sake of “family” is spiritual death.
keep speaking your truth!! 🗣️
And it's called capitalism
My elderly parents are wealthy but told me during Covid that they've sorted out their will so that my youngest brother (their favourite) will get almost all of their properties and assets (knowing he already has a big house and lots of wealth and I don't), and that I "might get a little something" but they need to "see how it goes". Well, I finally walked out after they went at me like a pack of vicious wolves, so that means nothing for me. And it got to me - for a while. Now I've realised how I'm allowing them to hurt me with this and how it's affecting my health. So I don't give a fiddler's fart any more. Their golden boy, who they did a good job of turning against me, can have the lot. I just need my peace of mind now. That's worth more than anything, and it feels so liberating! By the way, in Germany inheritance is equally shared among siblings or the next closest relatives. You can't just cut them out.
In Germany they can put you on 50%, but not on 0%. And the Berliner Testament works for me, because if my father´s dying first, my demonic narcisstic "mother" can´t even put me down to 50%.
I believe that's true in France as well.
Yes but what if they transfer the assets to your siblings before their death?
@@georgeevie6134 In Germany, all asset transfers within 10 years before the testator's death are counted as part of the estate. If siblings receive more than they are legally entitled to, they must pay this part back. This also applies if the testator leaves his assets to the church or animal welfare organization, for example. In Europe, especially in Germany, it is not so easy to deprive your heirs of their rightful inheritance. I know that, but they don´t! 🤑😎
who cares, true peace of mind and heart can never be bought, it doesn't work that way, it comes from humility and working to provide for yourself, it may be tiring at times but at least your soul and mind stay in one piece.
After years of no contact, I would reject anything given to me in a will... I'd rather not accept a single dollar from people who wouldn't help me in life
I see a number of comments where people talk about making their own money and being free of this. Some of us were so abused we have chronic health problems brought on by it and self esteem issues that crippled us most of our lives. I healed my self esteem enough to start functioning like a normal person in my mid thirties, hence I am behind financially. Some narcissists convince their children that they will never make it in the world, they teach them to faun to the point where they irritate bosses and co-workers, they teach them to hate themselves enough that they are not the type to do well in interviews or ask for a raise.
Yes, this is similar to what many experience.
This!
Been there. Know exact what you mean.
I just want to say please don’t feel too bad for behind “behind”. I’m almost 24 and I’m still at home, I feel like the abuse I’ve endured all of my life from my father has really stopped me from moving out at an earlier age and having a healthy relationship with myself and my self worth.
I am so damaged but I need to make the decision to move out this year. I need to flat/ house share with other people which is a bitter pill to swallow as 1 in 5 people are narcs, but I have to just deal with it as I’m never going to find a flat just for myself, and if I do then that’s a miracle in and of itself. I’m kind of ashamed it’s taken me this long to build up the courage to just leave my comfort zone to be enjoy my life away from the abuse I receive at home. I hope I can do this soon.
I really hope I can get out soon, my narc father has taken so much from me and my mother already (we have asthma from sustained mental abuse amongst other things).
@@brandonhealy7158you *can* do it. It feels like stepping off a cliff, but you're a fledgling bird and you have wings, you just need to learn to use them. There will be a few bumpy landings along the way, but the freedom you will find is amazing.
I was 19 when I escaped my narc father, and 42 when I left an abusive husband.
Don't compare where you get to with other people, just with where you've come from. It WILL be better.
Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there.
They will promise to do it, but never follow through.
If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction.
An argument will ensue
The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character.
The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved.
At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction
They give you what you asked for, BUT
There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done digitalinvestigate@gmail.com
@@BuckleyThompson
ALL OF THESE THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE 😏
Good Grief😮 You wrote a book ! Next time do a podcast.
My narcissistic mother is too broke to make these kind of threats. What she does do is threaten suicide or wishing she would die when she’s losing her control.
May I ask why your nickname is 44? Ty.
Next time she threatens suicide, you should respond, "Promise?"
I replied ya! Kinda out lived you best before date didn't you.
That’s a really difficult one. My father has threatened suicide at least twice from what I remember. I don’t want to say anything that might influence you as I’m not a therapist, but just be really careful with the narcissist.
And remember don’t feel guilty if they do unalive themselves. They are demons and not humans.
What a relief! I thought she was going to threaten you!
My mother began using this on me when I was still a toddler. If you don't listen to your mom, she will get upset, have a heart attack, and die.
“Your sanity really can’t have a price put on it.” I felt that!😭😭
My real inheritance will be the rest of the family saying "they're dead now, you can be part of the family again" followed by several minutes of uncontrollable laughter on my side.
Calling it now, that will be the quote. Watch me edit this in 20 years with some "called it" 😂
Following for the inevitable update 😂
Y'all didn't support me when the narc was alive, y'all can do without me when the narc was dead. Goodbye.
Coming to terms with the harsh realities of wills and manipulations therein, is one of the harshest realities we face. Because it's not about love. It's about conditional love. And it's not that conditional love is not important -- it IS, obviously. But there are levels of conditional love, and there is a so- -rare-thing called unconditional love, which is what we all need and needed growing up.
Exactly!
@@patrickbinford590 yes!
And then other family members join in: "Some day she is going to be dead and you will know how WRONG YOU ARE!!"
And those are probably the ones who live the farthest away.
and then they're finally gone, my house is quiet and I am at peace.
Ugh that reminds me of when my N dad was dying of cancer and everyone told me I would regret not reconciling with him when he passes. They only realized how serious I was during the funeral where I was "visibly unphased" according to my N mom.
Or my favorite. "She is your mother, and you will miss her because you only get one mom!"
My mother died a few yrs ago, and do I dare say, "I don't miss her."
Ikr? As if all of us aren't going to die some time or at any point 😒 like why am I the only one who needs to think about this?
I’ve been no contact with my mother for 7 years. I’ve been no contact with my father for 3. The day I went no contact with my father I called my brother to tell him that I probably just made him a millionaire. We talked about what would we do if they did leave me out of the will and he got everything. In the end I told him to just focus on his family. He has children, I don’t. It makes sense that he gets the lions share since he has future generations to think of. I’m happy with that. It’s freeing to be able to give up on those “what ifs” and pull yourself off that hook.
Guilt tripping you is a very deep psychological game you should be aware of.
Phenomenal video, I walked away for my peace of mind and health. I am working on releasing the guilt. Thank you Dr Ramani, this is one of your best videos ever. 🙏
If someone really loves you, they will give you money when they're alive.
Otherwise it's a control issue.
Thank you, Dr. R. I have found much resource and support through your wisdom. 🙏🏽💙🔥
She dope
This is another toxic behavior passed down through generations. We are child free & multiple relatives are wondering where we will be leaving our money… trust me it won’t be to any of them!
My narc mother has threatened me all my life that when she died she would come back to haunt me so I felt guilt or shame. Then she wrote letters to anyone who would listen like a printing press of how awful I was saying not to tell me when she died, and they listened to her-I found out on Facebook, when all the while the world is a better place now that she is no longer spreading lies and hate.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This is a real thing. My late narcissistic mother dangled a carrot over all of the children's head for years! - showing us deeds and how much wealth we would inherit. Fast forward to her elderly life, just out of the blue she stated "I'm not leaving you kids anything. "I've paid for my own burial and that's all." Upon her death, the golden child/narcissist in training sister had transferred whatever assets mother had into her own possession and control. She bragged about how she had planned it all and began to wield power over the rest of the siblings. This same narc sister would always make threats about what would happen "in the end" . I thought that was so bizarre and presumptuous of her. My other siblings were easily bought and sold during this time. As for myself, I didn't hang around for more toxic manipulation. When my mother passed away, I honored and attended the funeral. After that, I was glad to distance myself and be done with the whole Sh*@!!T Show. -Peace, Prayers, and Prosperity to everyone. 🕊😊.
Lol…she used this so much growing up it has Zero effect now.
Money and materials will never persuade me if it comes at the cost of my peace. This trait has actually helped me navigate life so I’m grateful that I can’t be bought.
i was helping my elderly neighbor. He said he would include me in his will. But then, if i didn't do what he wanted when he wanted, he'd say "i'm gonna have to make some changes in my will". I went no contact 8 months ago. He's flipping out, but he will get nothing to work with from me.
My narc father passed a few years ago. What he left us was a rented unit (appartment) FULL of mostly rubbish that had to be sorted and got rid of (he was a horder, took 6 adults 6 weeks working every day). There were a few pieces of heirloom furniture that had belonged to my grandparents and tens of thousands of dollars of debts.
I cried at the funeral, not from regrets or what had been, but for what had never been. The eulogies were all about how wonderful he was, how community minded, the great things he had done for others. My words to my cousin (on my mother's side, a middle aged psychologist) were "why couldn't he be like that for us?"
I went NC over 30 years ago and as far as I'm concerned my flying monkey siblings can have it all. It's not worth my mental health to have his money.
My first husband’s grandmother used to say “this could be my last Christmas” to get us to spend the holidays with her and not my family. After the second time, I called her out on it and it never happened again.
My narcissistic grandmother used to threaten to cut people out of her will multiple times per year. It was her all-purpose punishment.
I ghosted my narcissistic parents using death dangling and trash talking me for daring to give them all my savings to renovate their house but I got married and didn't move back in with them. I don't regret it. I can't see how I would even regret it. When I left for uni, I paid for my rent and food and helped them out with help and money and what they wanted was a slave. They literally said they didn't raise me to be someone else's slave. I understood that they raised me to be theirs. They said it to me the day before my wedding that they expected me to enjoy marriage for 6 months and not have children then divorce and move back to pay their bills so they can enjoy retirement. Oma Desala once said: "The only way to win is to deny it battle!" And I did.
I love listening to Dr Ramani. She embodies beauty. I always learn something new.
This particular issue is highly relevant to me. For context, my father is not in the picture and I'm an only child. My mother, whom has traits aligning with self-righteous and vulnerable narcissism, would constantly threaten me, as an adolescent, to not leave me a penny when she felt slighted/had ego injuries supposedly "caused" by my behaviour. This was usually in the form of her seeing my academic underachievement due to my having undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder. She felt that because I was allegedly, "lazy" and "wasting my potential", she would not leave money to a "good-for-nothing layabout" as she so callously put it. She also had a real knack for claiming that my behaviour CAUSED her negative emotions, especially rage. She also would claim that "I can't focus at work because of you" and "I'm making mistakes at work BECAUSE of you", and "If I lose my job because of all the mistakes I'm making, it will be YOUR fault." In 2021, she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in 2021, just before my 23rd birthday. All of a sudden, I see her texting me that "you're the centre of my world" and that "you're the only person I truly love". "I will leave you all my estate when I die". Today I am extremely enmeshed with her and I feel absolutely obliged to keep contact with her to maximise my chances that I do get the inheritance that she promised. I feel that the money would be invaluable for me to get high-quality trauma therapy and treatment for my autism.
I was told by narc that she heard I could fight the will after her death. I said give me something to sign right now. I want nothing, probably will be haunted/cursed anyway 😅
In my country there's a law statement: "rejection of inheritance".
They have NO CONTROL over that, they can do whatever in their will, the person who gets the inheritance will always have the right to pass it on.
If there is no more people to pass on to, then the state will inherit all the wealth and all the debt.
This mechanism is there to ensure that parents can't fck up their children's life financially with a final act.
@@realhetwhat county is your county? Thanks for telling us this
Being disinherited solved my problem before even having to think about this!
OMGawd my mother-in-law says all the time "well when I die ..." (eyeroll) Thank you Dr. R! You clearly explain ridiculous behavior beautifully!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It’s been a bit over 4 years since I found you on you tube… I had started therapy 4 months prior… I’m about to “graduate” from CBT… but I just want to say… you helped me so much… I had no idea I was a child w a narcissistic mother … I still remember your saying “You were ROBBED” and from there… my perspective completely changed… and I did go no contact with my mom… only to learn I would lose my dad too.. but putting myself first has been so healing… thank you again for all you do!
My ex narc and daughters stand to inherit millions from his family while I lost everything in the marriage. I live in a small apartment and have a decent income. My peace of mind is priceless.
My narc mom did this all the time when I was a kid. She constantly told me she’d leave all her money to someone else if I didn’t do XYZ for her. I clearly had eyes and could see she didn’t even have anything to leave me and was stingy now with what she did have.
My mother had a stroke in January of this year. After six months of caring for her my husband and I came back home. And she has been non-stop with the toxic behavior. A month ago I was diagnosed with liver failure and she needs to remind me daily that she had a stroke. I am looking at a liver transplant and how dare I receive the medical care I need. I told her I am not traveling 6 hours. She is able to care for herself and walks 10 miles a week and has a companion to help her. I can't even walk 50 feet and my husband needs to help me with all my activities of daily living.
Not fair in life, not fair in death. Curb your expectations ❤
My mom was the queen of death dangling. It’s been a few years since she passed and I’m just beginning to come to terms with all of it. Taking care of her pushed my physical and mental health to the brink. When she passed, I mostly felt relief. Now I am working to avoid falling into this dynamic in the future.
I've seen sparring over money when someone passes, people start hating each other over money, people who liked each other before the death of a loved one. It's true, no parent is obligated to leave anything. I am not looking for anything from either parent. Keeping peace sounds great.
My Mom passed 10 months ago. Our stepfather had put two Morgan Stanley accounts in his own name. We were about to loose 400K & made calls to retired Morgan Stanley account representatives to rectify the situation. We were lucky. Fudiciaries supercede a will. Dot your Ie's and cross your tee's. And you still might not receive what was dangled before you for a lifetime.
Brilliant explanations and examples. The scope of these videos always include more than enough information to grasp the concept and make a well-informed, personal decision. Once again, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You and your amazing Team for everything you do for this community.
You know what they say.. "Where there's a will, there's relatives." 😂
A lot of people view money's value as being its ability to buy things. That's wrong. Money's value comes from the freedom it gives you. After achieving material security... you don't need more stuff. It is just clutter. By the time you could inherent, you will have had enough time to becoming materially security through your own means.
Sticking around to inherent is foolish. You're giving up freedom on the front end to.... maybe get freedom on the backend? Inheritance should not be thought about, planned/counted on, or factored into any life plan. You aren't getting one, there is no such thing, move on. If you end up getting a surprise windfall, good for you, that's a nice surprise
Exactly. I don't need more 'stuff', like you. Lord knows how I did it, but I made small sensible decisions 30 years ago, that gave me great freedom - to live a very simple life - on my own terms. Away from the manipulation
For those who need to hear it, I stayed for 40 years because I was promised $20 million. Every form of violation imaginable. When he died, he had spent it all and only had $34,000 left which he didn't even leave to me.
I didn’t need to hear it but I laughed my head off. Sorry.
It is so so sad and I think everyone should hear this and heed the warning in it.
@@elmaswanepoel1598 it is a tactic called future faking. Especially when it comes to great amounts of money. It is a mayor red flag.
Us scapegoats know we won’t get sh!t. My egg donor has a spare daughter. Let her wipe her arse.
#nocontact30+yearsandlovingit!
Mine has a spare daughter too but she's also a narc. I'm done with them all so egg donor will likely be put into a home paid by the government. And someone will try to make me feel guilty for that 😂. Won't work though
Egg donor? Spare daughter? I don't get it.
@@andreasv9472 egg donor = narcissistic parent who didn’t want to be a parent; extra daughter is probably narcissistic sibling.
@@andreasv9472 Egg donor = mom
@@nopereradicator I think I get the "spare daughter" now. My partner wants to get one more "spare kid" in case something happen to "this one". (I realized she was a narcissist a bit too late). Fck these people are soul-less
Parents 80 and a younger sibling. I went full no contact in Feb
Every day is better than the day before. I started smiling again about a month ago. I’m starting to feel the peace I haven’t felt in 35yrs
I’d change my name if I were younger. I’m not going to any funerals and I don’t want a dime or the dust.
No price on sanity!!!!
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO BE HONEST AND KIND
Wise words
Wow. Spot-ON
Some of us have no money due to poor health, and no choice but to be manipulated by the narcissist. One year I’ve lived with my elderly mother and I’m completely exhausted, not helped by the only family member nearby deciding to bully me because he thinks I’m a parasite. Although somehow this madness and the resulting narcissism research and self development have cleared something in my brain. I’m no longer bothered. I have bought myself some noise cancelling headphones and I just let her talk and say ‘yes’ and ‘ok’ occasionally. She doesn’t seem to care that I can’t hear her🤣.
Going on 3 years of No contact with my entire family. It’s the hardest thing I have done and the most freeing. I was never going to get anything without attachment and I don’t need anymore strings.
My MIL was always in danger of dying. After being told for the nth time I informed her to get on with it.
Oh, the noise!
I have heard this before. I had to learn to not be drawn in by money. My mother was very upset, when I said I’d give any money to charity. Like, why? It’s charity!
Death dangling is also seen in narcissistic partners. In the early stages of my relationship, he made it seem as if he was really really sick (stomach cancer) and that he had diabetes and he would probably die soon, so I felt bad, stuck around and 14 years later still dandy. Of course, thanks to doctor Ramani I am no longer with him but it was something that was pointed out by my closest friends, that he would make it seem as if he was dying. Stay safe people. Take care of your health
My parent tried this with me. I don't accept money with strings, period. My sibling fell for the gag, hung around taking abuse for years, only to find there was nothing left. 😢
Cut my father out in 2018 fully accepting this meant losing any inheritance. My happiness in life is priceless. Found out a few weeks ago by accident. In Scotland (where I live) you can't disavow your children by will or by omission. Weirdly made me feel quite good. Not because of the inheritance. But because I know this will drive my abuser insane. And he likely knows now. As he is terminally ill and has months to live. Yet still hasn't even attemtped to mend bridges (not that I would accept that anyway).
Sounds like my mom. When i qutit contact she let me know through my sisters that I will regret this, that this could have been the last moment I sawher in my life. I turned that around for once. My answer: Exactly! This could have been the last time she saw me! Never heard something like that again. But then she started a smear campain.
my dad has no money to give, but he's been telling me he's going to die "soon" since I was a little girl (either from physical ailments or offing himself). I find now, at 26, that I'm just numb to the idea of him dying, but that brings its own discomforts, of course. He does a really good job of painting me as a cold evil daughter who isn't there for him and is therefore effectively offing him myself. I mostly just really grieve my childhood image of him and wish so deeply that I had a dad who wasn't such a tragic figure in my life. I wish I had a normal dad I could just talk to and it be chill and not all this dramatic (and terribly depressing) dying stuff all the time.
Holy crap…. Thank you!
I am one of many, who could write the book on this. My mother never actually threatened that she’d disinherit me. But, between her making us (but mostly me, as the oldest), responsible for her losing a legal case, her making a bit of a threat if I married out, the triangulation, the coercion to remain in place for abuse and the discard, the writing was on the wall. This, along with, I guess, my former sister’s belief that, whatever I inherited, if I did, she was entitled to, whenever I would pass, hence the death match to control me and the estate, once mom passed. This, other than the fact that her decades-long absence did not have to be accounted for, in her little mind, as opposed to my 4 year absence, in going no contact, to not deal with the folie a deux, they seemed to become. As I’ve described, this nut has been a worse version of our mother, acting like the T-1000, melting in the vat, in Terminator 2. In typical-narcissistic behavior, she’s absolutely lost her mind and felt that I’ve “ruined her life”, merely because I’ve obtained half of the inheritance.
For those who’ve recommended I walk away from my share of the inheritance, the reality is that it’s a risk and an individual decision. I know whether I’m prepared for retirement or whether I have to drop dead on the job, if I’m even able to continue working. Most would recommend the later, while I give everything away to someone who did nothing to help their parents, while I helped them build their businesses. I’m also a bit of a prepper and am well aware that most people have no idea what might be coming, even with the writing literally all over the wall. So, I simply cannot afford to lean into my own destitution and, from the looks of things, for a lot of people, they can’t either. So, at least for me, it isn’t entirely about feeling as if I’m fighting for what’s right. It’s about knowing that, having a decent job, doesn’t mean I don’t know that companies rid themselves of people, as if it’s pure whimsy, while some Neanderthal snatched up what I could’ve had, to feed and shelter myself.
And their relatives pile in on it. Currently receiving abuse from relatives for not taking away their car keys or allowing them to go outside , dig up bushes, trip and fall.
Was “raised” as one of 3 kids in what I now know to be a highly dysfunctional “family”. Narc mother, aspd father both telling me “I love you”; “we love you all equally”; “when we die you will each get a third of the will” (weird now I think about it that they were talking about dying so often to young kids).
Well they emphatically lied about the first two things, was hard to walk away from 2 large inheritance but what helped was that there was a high chance I could stay forever and still not get anything - at the cost of my time, my life. No deal.
Sociopath sister will likely steal/manipulate to get all material things anyway if I stay or go so I went.
Don’t buy into any of their bullshit, they just want to make sure they (in their minds) will have power and control after death.
Walk away and don’t look back.
Yes, so many horror stories of narcs willing everything away to even a non-biological relative. Ain't worth it. I love where I live now, with good friends. Still sad about my parents' betrayal -- hundreds of thousands of dollars lost due to their greed and manipulation. But money can't buy everything. Good friendships sustain my soul. I can earn money for myself. And I know all the money my mother thinks I want (projection of course) will be used up for her memory care anyway in the end. Sad but true. 24/7 nursing care in California is $20-30/hour, which is over $20,000 a month. Not sustainable with what my mother has. And since she greedily sucked alla my money out of me, I can't take care of her either, even with filial law. State nursing home for you, Mom.
Oh god I just realized that it’s always been a trend in our family…
My mother will allow my spouse to keep his possessions at her home, but if I ask it's a straight up no.
When my ex cheated and was caught when they had a car crash (while we dated) he knew he wouldn't be made to leave regardless of my reaction. He stayed close to my mother.
Mental health is priceless
Notice how when you say back "Why aren't you regretting loosing me right now?" They have nothing to say.
That beautiful dress, in a fabulous color, looks GREAT on you, Dr. R!
Thank you! I got this from my narc mom, and plenty of enablers regarding both her and my (different style) narc dad.
This helped me realize that my exes parents are extremely narcissistic and exactly why he ended up a narcissist himself.
What really woke me up was that my mother has changed her trust three times! I’m sure the attorneys love that!
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This can feel painful for many of us. It’s good to know this is just another way for the narcissist to hurt us.
My hubby just told me this morning he will be dying soon... hoovering after 8 months grey rocking. Planning
So sad that people do this to their families. I've heard of too many families that have had to deal with manipulations like this. It's just sad.
Literally my exact life too........... moving countries and all.... - all the manipulation for over 10 years with both parents - they are divorced of course... endless...👍❤❤❤
In at least one state (dunno about others), the law states that under some circumstances, after your parents pass, you can go to a judge and fight for what part of your parents' estate should rightfully go to you. For many of us, that's the only real recourse.
My younger brother will get everything my mom has, since he got everything he wanted growing up and I got nothing.
Let him have it, You are Free 🎉❤😂
@otismeotisme7987 oh I have...and I will not be going to her funeral when she passes. She never was a mother to me afterall.
So right to the point! Thank you so much for confirming what took me years to figure out !
Yup. My father's been "on the brink of death" since I went NC in 2016. Such a disgusting manipulation tactic.
My narc parent: "What will you do when I die?"
Answer: Apparently, get the dollar you left me, plus what is so far the best sleep in my entire life.
Dollah bill, y'all! 💸😴
My covert narcissist mother told me to come to dinner, saying " mummy will have soup for you". I am 61.For God's sake. Her mother did the same crap to her and she hated it, but cant see or wont admit she does it to me.
@@robinantonio8870 yeah, if my grandparents were narcissists (especially grandaddy), my mother certainly topped them! My sister now? The orangutan narcissist.
they will never see you as an adult. you are always the subordinate extension of them. so when they love bomb, it's like this too.
@@nivision I had a conversation with my mother, a few years before she died. I don’t remember the context of it, but the take away for me, was that she saw herself as superior, over her own mother (my grandmother). While she was a much more talented, career-oriented and beautiful woman, than grandma, my only thought was, “Huh? You arrogant ‘B’!” I always wondered whether it also had anything to do with my mother being wheelchair bound, as a child, because she had a heart condition and grandma pushed her around in that wheelchair. So, maybe she thought grandma was her servant, too.
@@privateprivate8366 in her mind, viewing her mother as a servant was probably highly preferable to seeing herself as disabled and needing help.
they cling to superiority illusions and delusions like their life depends on it, but those of us they "made" genetically or raised? triple so. certainly don't show them up in life achievements in a way that can't find a way to take credit for.
mine didn't even have custody of me from ages 2 through 16, she still did this. she'd turn every interaction into a way to invent a "favor" to do me that wasn't asked for it even wanted just to have something to try to hold over me.
Omg my mum is the same! After anything vaguely normal that she decides to do, she says, now what do you say to mummy? And I’m 50:😂
YES ThEY DO !!!!!!!!!💀 Burns me up every time I hear it. Especially since I know that he is more likely than not going to give it to attorneys to fight a divorce. Pitiful.
My parents didn't do that. They just pulled the rug out from under me - their go to tactic - leaving me with a stack of bills. However, since my name wasn't on any of it I wasn't liable. I refused to take care of them at their end of life. May they get everything they deserve.
I knew a woman with a considerable Estate worth well into the 7 digits, who played the Death Dangle game with her children and grandchildren whenever she felt that they weren't paying enough attention to her. It was a game that she played with them from an early age.
Always said in a light but meaningful tone:
'Have you heard from (insert a family member's name)? No? I haven't heard from him/her either for a while. Well, I could just forget that they exist.''.
This one was deliberately worded in a manner that also acted as a warning to those listening that they too will be cut out of the Will should they not pay her enough attention.
'I think I will sell the house. It's just me here now and no one comes to visit me.'
Said to an adult child and spouse who had bought a nice property several hours away.
They responded with, 'That sounds like a great idea!. Sell the property and buy something smaller in an area that you like more.' which instantly took the wind of the her sails.
The rest of the family, however, grabbed the hook and doubled down on their efforts to remain in her good graces. It was rather sad to watch.
'The money is to be divided between (names her favourites), but (names grandchildren she felt had slighted her) are to be given a percentage of her life insurance 'and not a penny more', and nothing is to go to the farm (using the word 'farm'' instead of someone's name, letting everyone know that the adult child who co-owned the property mentioned did not stand a chance of inheriting anything because of the spouse, whom the MIL did no like).
Those were just a few Death Dangles that this woman would cast out into the family sea to see who would take the bait.
And when she died, the reactions of most of the potential beneficiaries turned into a feeding frenzy, leaving those who were not demanding everything to step in and make sure the Will was followed to the letter.
Humorous to watch, yet rather sad.
Oh definitely. My mother threatened that her house would never be mine in a fight we had. A few months before her death she went with my neighbor and cut me out of her will, leaving everything to him.
@@alessandrasaenz72 both my mother’s houses are a dump, but I got the better one.
Either she didn’t leave a Will or my sister destroyed it, because it looks like my stepfather’s Will says I get everything, which I wasn’t even planning on doing. I’d have given my ner do well sister one home. But she didn’t feel the same. Wanted all. Nope.
@@privateprivate8366 I'm so glad you got the better house. Many blessings.
My grandfather death dangled for my entire life. The sentence “I’m going to die soon” or “when I die…” immediately makes me think of my grandfather. When he finally passed when I was 41, my siblings and I didn’t care and were just grateful that our mom was free. Sadly he made her the executor and left a giant mess that she’s still trying to resolve and close out his estate. He’s managed to still manipulate her from the grave. I can’t wait for her to be FINALLY FREE!
My mom used to talk endlessly about her impending death decades before it finally happened. From every possible angle - who gets what, what we should do with the house, car, pets, etc. Every time I visited: "Go through the house and pick out what you want to keep after I'm gone." A big ego trip is all it was. When her time finally came, she didn't give a crap about any of it.
I’m so aware of this type of manipulation. She’s tried doing this for many years. Thank you. Didn’t buy it then, not buying it 40 years later. They’ve never been able to play that one.
Thank you. Freedom is priceless 🤍