Hi. As an older INFJ ( 60) and i am also a therapist, I think this is accurate of our style of solving problems ( interrogation). I find that my closest relationships are with one INTJ and one ENFP who are both nf's and we have similar styles of needing to endlessly dig for answers. We have developed some code words which means " can we change subjects, take a break, stop this" so we do not drive each other crazy. Being in a custody/ child rearing situation increases the stakes and might make this more difficult. Stay strong.
I do this with certain woman. In your opinion what would be the psychological reason for this? It does happen with the quiet introverted type who are usually very private.
Hi. Are you a practising therapist? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to disclose, I’m just looking for some coaching or therapy from another INFJ. Thank you.
I have this issue big time! I lose friendships. I don't know how to be friends with others without going deep into the thought process of myself and others. I think I can appear interrogating when I feel like I'm just inquisitive. I would like to know how to navigate this problem.
Same! To me, being inquisitive or even interrogating is a sign that I value the relationship and want to know the person more, and is a trait I would appreciate in others. It's frustrating when others don't see it that way. 😢😅
I missed you so much on youtube, I kept checking the channel to see if you had uploaded 😭 I don't even watch MBTI content anymore but I can still appreciate these videos. Everything you said here is so relatable. Nothing triggers me more than avoidant behaviour.
I can certainly relate to this. I am an INFJ, and my best friend is most definitely avoidant. He is wonderfully patient with me and my "digging/interrogative" nature. We joke about it quite a bit. It is so easy to pick up on when he has had enough. It is interesting though how much avoidant people spark my interest and curiosity. I'm sure part of it is coming from an unconscious thought that I can help them. What I find so interesting is how uncurious they are about their inner world and their emotions. What I notice about them is that they take themselves as a fixed, unchangeable being. If there is a problem in their lives or some discomfort, the solution is to get away from the thing or person that is causing them distress. They seem to lack interest in understanding what is happening inside of them. They might even acknowledge (intellectually) that something in their past made them this way, but they have almost zero desire or capacity to explore their past. They might get to the place of "awareness", but they won't dig into their emotional lives or look for pathways to change. The concept of "change" is terrifying. The avoidant coping skills they have developed are the armor that keeps them safe. Peeling back the armor feels life threatening.
I'm an INFJ and I have the same issues. People interpret my questions negatively and assume in looking down on them. So everything I say to them has to be presented in a bland neutral way so there's no room for them to misunderstand.
@@youtubing9762 Agreed. The irony being that I enjoy the back and forth of probing their thoughts more than just empty banter. Why is it that the adjustment has to be made on my end instead of the other person learning to be more secure in their opinions? Doesn't that allow people to remain childish and unevolved?
@@GoldenGirl-555 In my experience, most people are not interested in evolving, and if they are childish then they definitely don't want to see it. I'm at a loss on how to speak with most people these days as I borderline treat them as children in order to not ruffle any feathers.
•I relate this with playing devil’s advocate for loved ones. •My husband (♥️RIP) was my favorite devil’s advocate; he kept me on my toes with constant challenges on my expressed opinions. •I didn’t love this so much in real time, but I now miss it so much… His habit taught me huge life lessons on communication and intention.
We are so tuned in that we catch things most people miss. So if we ask about it we can also sense if the answer that we get isn’t genuine. Then we’re in our heads and off to the races…. 😉
I put a long version on your website of my Answer. We seek truth and authenticity, the very thing that the majority of people want to hide. You will have to learn to put the quest down so to speak at some point in order to maintain relationships.
I really appreciate this kind of videos. If only we would value the importance of getting to know our triggers and coping mechanisms in order to get to know other's triggers and self defence mechanisms, the world would certainly be happier place (!)
This is absolutely the truth... I have family members who also have this avoidant style. I have a few thoughts on this. First let me say I was just about to put this idea of typology to bed as mythical pseudo-science, and here you are presenting an ontological truth: different personality types behave differently. They are different because were we in their shoes, we would behave the way we behave. We would remember who we are and defer to our moral compass which always points us towards truth when we are uncertain. But even this could be misleading. Whose to say you or I, subject to their life experience, would not behave exactly as they do? This for me is were things get weird, because although I have a big problem with religious mysticism as it exists in the world today, I know a spiritual battle when I see one: one side seeking for the truth through transparency, to expose the issues so that air and light can begin to heal; the other side determined to cover up, to lie to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened so that is may fester and rot. And so spiritually, perhaps Mr. Universe gives the stronger entity the more daunting task. The so called 'INFJ' is further given the burden of understanding all of this even now because they are stronger of the two? ...and maybe this is delusional. The truth could be far more simple. Perhaps they (opposite INFJ) are the stronger as they must both live with an unbearable truth, carry that burden and also cope with the relentlessness of the INFJ in trying to uncover it... maybe they carry this burden unbeknownst and the secrets they guard might just destroy the formerly invincible INFJ. And perhaps, as I demonstrate right here, the INFJ knows all of it... clearly... And still demands of his own kin a higher, unyielding level of loyalty. But then this is not nor will it ever again be reality.
Avoidance irritates the living crap out of me. why not say what the issue is, we work through it, find a solution or sit with it, whatever needs to be done and can come out the other end together and better. 😑 They feel safe in the moment of avoidance but I’ve noticed that comfort doesn’t last long, they try to self medicate with some type of distraction (often times destructive)- gaming, drinking, sex, spending money etc. I then see them as pathetic and loose respect- then check out emotionally. I don’t do this consciously, it seems to just be a domino effect.
A family member and I had a similar conversation to this topic but from the POV of our neurodivergence. I won’t share the convo b/c I can’t keep it concise but I can imagine that we (infjs) come off unapologetically exposing. That’s a very invasive impact. Someone wanted to vent/share thoughts and now they’re being pushed into a coaching or therapy session with us b/c of normal human hypocrisy. That’s not considerate, so I have realized. Idk how to help us infjs tho, except to have us stop that because it’s hurtful to those who didn’t sign up to do transformational work with us.
It's tricky. We can learn to hold our tongues and just be good listeners, but then it can become a weird one sided relationship, where they're getting what they want from us, but we're lacking that deeper connection that makes the relationship worthwhile to us. I personally tend to drift away if I don't feel connected. Just realizing as I type this that my relationship with my teens is so hard because they, of course, have started to clam up and keep more to themselves, and it can be like talking to a wall, so I'm missing that connection. I imagine they'll come around eventually. 😅
@@megan2176 yeah I find myself drifting away too. The only thing I find stopping me from that is having learned that I don’t need to make all my friends & acquaintances transformation partners. Just like I may be cool with someone because we’re tennis players for example, someone could be cool with me because they enjoy dark humor. Since I’ve recognized I’m not only this self development junky, I find it easier to not project the self development junky expectation on others. Sometimes we’re just going to have flaws and have to believe that we’re still enough at that point in the journey.
I’m the #INFJ who’s found myself at the bottom of Google more times than I’d like to admit. I will always have more questions. I’m not interrogating I’m just inquisitive AF.
We can do both in my opinion. Sometimes we interrogate and sometimes we are inquiring, depending on the situation/people you are interacting with. We interrogate because there is something that's bothering us or frustrates you.
I pick people I don’t have to chase around for intimacy, I pick those who like going deep. My closest friend is an INTJ, hella rewarding. (She is also an enneagram 8 like me.) Avoidant people bore me, I simply leave.
I am an ENFJ as you know by now, but man. You nailed it so hard when you brought up your dynamic with ENFP and INFP. It has become so much of a thing over the years for me that I think the reason why my relationships with them work much better nowadays is because I have become aware of this tendency in myself and I just avoid being "that person" to them. I don't challenge their values from a Ti standpoint nearly as much anymore (even though it is my inferior, I incessantly think about them!), and I just overall adjust my expectations and ways of engaging so that I do not do anything or say anything unnecessary. Unfortunately, this does result in a wall that does not allow us to become more intimate which as an Fe Dom, that is my biggest desire, but it is better this way for me than to have strong malice and tension or no dynamic at all with the ones I know. Thanks for another dope video, bro.
Thanks for the perspective! Yeah, it's interesting how you have noticed something similar about the NFP immovable values. We should do that joint video we were planning a bit ago! I am currently a bit displaced as a huge fire has ravished our city. I'm currently evacuated from our house and I'm not sure if it will be there when this is all over. My parent's house has already burned down.
@@ClayArnall bro….what???? Wow…I had absolutely no idea….I’m terribly sorry to hear that….if you’re able, please keep me posted on that. For real. But also, I understand if there’s so much going on that it slips your mind. But I’m just genuinely concerned. That’s wild. Anyway, yeah for sure, man. I’m totally game to still do that video whenever you’re ready. I’m taking a hiatus right now to just live life and learn, consume great content and etc. But I’m ready whenever you are.
I think letting go and trusting others that they will eventually come up with solutions on their own is key here. Otherwise, people might feel like they have to change for someone else or open up to the other person not on their own terms.
I agree, and that approach works for relationships where you have the luxury of allowing that space and time. But if you've been married for 10 years, and you come to the conclusion that this person will never open up on their own terms, I feel like it is appropriate to push them somewhat.
Ha! I have been told (by more than one person over the years) that I put people on the "witness stand"....I have really tried to be cognizant of that tendency in myself, but I still slip into that mode occasionally.
This really speak to me, never understood why the desire to KNOW and help is responded to so harshly. I may still not know but at least I feel less alone in it.
Absolutely spot on. Very good insights. I also agree with the INTJ sentiment and have experienced that first hand over and over. The "softer" route does seem to help a bit... It can be incredibly difficult to maintain that light, softer energy when they are cold, withdrawn, and distant though. It takes a lot of work on the INFJs part.
I'm often accused of being too direct / interrogative in my approach (when I approach). I work in HR so that doesn’t suit me professionally. Learning to be more diplomatic, by observing others. It takes time and effort to adapt but it’s possible. When it comes to my personal relationships however, I mostly stay true to my nature.
So glad you're back, Clay! Thank you for this incredibly insightful video, to which I can totally relate. It felt like somebody actually understands that this kind of relationship thing exists! I call it the "magnet poles relationship": You feel like the relationship could be super interesting, but then nothing ever develops deeper, and it literally feels like magnets being attracted to each other, but then swirling around and pushing each other away mutually. As for an INFJ pointing out someones contradiction in values, so be it! Along with the trigger "avoidance" comes the trigger "fakeness". Looking forward to many more of your super interesting topics! Your 52 year old fan!
As an INFJ your videos are the MOST relatable and valuable to me. Avoidance is one of my biggest triggers as experienced recently. My 13 year old dog got very ill and I had to put her to sleep 8 weeks ago, she was my best friend. My “family” have always been quite cold and distant (unless they need sympathy for their own problems), since losing my dog they’ve actively avoided me. 2 of them even told me they “left me alone”… They expect me to care about their problems but they’ve never been there for me when I need it. It’s hard because I’ve always wanted to help them and I wish we could have had better relationships. If anything, their avoidance of my grief has made it worse. My partner is an INFP and he often feels like I’m interrogating him but I’m just trying to help fix his problems 😅 It’s hard work sometimes…
I can ignore better than most, sometimes I see or hear things that I should react more to in ways of sympathy but I don't cause I don't want to get invested emotionally.
It's a tough world when everyone tells you to get over it and stop fixating and to move on but you can't move on until you fixate on it and find a solution.
My brother is INTJ and I’m INFJ. I find it really difficult to go deep with him. Yet he’s so judgmental and I find myself committing to distancing myself from him at times. But it never sticks. Sometimes I’d like to teach him a lesson.
Hey Clay, Big fan of inquiry - Self-inquiry as well! Both positive actions for learning about your experience of the world and people around you, and so too facilitative of opportunities for change/inner-growth. Also, can I ask what you're using in your hair?
Thank you so much for this video, Clay. As an INFJ who both conversationally probes for improvements pertaining to safety and self-actualization, but who also strongly values consensual interactions, seeing this video was very helpful. The timing of your video was personally on point for me coincidentally. So thank you for your insightful observations. 🦋🧡🦋
Hi, I'm new to your videos but have been enjoying them very much. 49 year old INFJ here. I am curious what you think about the "Sigma" theory, or rather INFJ Sigma. Many discard the term as ridiculous but I'm finding that it resonates with me in many ways.
I am glad you uploaded a new video despite of your uncertain difficult times. I have been following your instagram for a while.I Hope you are safe after evacuation.
Thanks! I heard from a firefighter that drove our street today that our house is still standing, but it may be some time before we are allowed in if it does survive.
Full disclosure: I'm an INFP. And I'm not good at figuring out personality types. That said, when anyone is ( or maybe just seems to be?) genuinely curious about something, I will love to have a conversation about whatever. But if somone seems to be interrogating and/or trying to change my mind about something I've incorporated into my set of values, or reasons for doing something I very likely will avoid for a period of time (most often that's to conceive a good "argument." I hate conflict so what I want is to have a rational inoffensive conversation.) and practice it, OR I'll get defensive and say something about what they are saying doesn't matter, because a situation feels a certain way, and so My feelings aren't often swayed by what makes sense to someone else. Apologies for the rambling comment.😅
This video is literally talking to my core. I've been struggling my whole life with this issue of triggering people just by being authentic & honest, but trying to fix everyone is exhausting & time consuming. In my case, being an INFJ child to my unhealthy mom who is an ESFJ made me realise that I was reading her like a book before even learning about the human psyche & psychology, triggering her just by being honest knowing that later I've found that she's a covert narcissist, now I can smell the people from a far, I've learned to set boundaries, I'm no longer taking others triggers personally. I believe that we can turn our struggles to our powers & the best way to be true to ourselves is loving ourselves the dark side too
Yea, I'm tired of playing "emperor has no clothes" and trying to somehow justify all the other personality types' BS (one kind or the other). Nearly all other types seem to cope with the truth in ridiculous ways, and I ironically cope not with the truth but rather with them and all of their mad antics/avoidance strategies. For me truth is not the problem, rather it is something I avidly seek. Truth is in fact THE ultimate solution to all problems. So I am kind of forced to just stay alone, and whenever I'm with people, I have to play a complex dogde-ball with all their triggers and avoidances. Reminds me of South Park, how it makes a parody/caricature of societal stuff. The seeking of truth demands humility and constant transformation, and this is a lifestyle that most others seem to shun. They just want to play make-believe, putting unconditional loyalty over it, build a castle over it, and cut off or fight off anyone who questions it.
Clay, the reason you are pushing to "figure out what is wrong" is because of your need to be in control (or to pin point the problem and solve it... Like a puzzle/game). The person is resistant to you because of many factors... They could have feelings of embarrassment, or perhaps feelings of sadness (that they don't want to talk about right now). You need to learn when to stop pushing and allow that person to come to you when they are ready to talk about it. Yes, it is hard to do, but a necessary step. The person on the other end of your conversation will thank you for it. I hope this helps! From a fellow INFJ :)
I'm an INFP. The INFJ's 'interrogation' isn't the trigger, but the constant critical analysis of my personal feelings/values/experiences in an attempt to drill down my weaknesses and change me to fit their own standards. I would have appreciated if they simply accepted things the way they are and showed emotional or even practical support. I took the time and energy to pour out all my heartfelt thoughts to the INFJ which I normally would have kept private, yet the INFJ is only interested in the logic/theory side of things and sees me as an object to be fixed in their own mind. Also, there isn't only one way to live or think. Why would you give unsolicited advice if you didn't experience the exact same things or emotions as the person? I have a love-hate relationship with INFJs.
Do you know your enneagram Clay? This is relatable, but I’m not much of a fixer anymore. I’d relate this to Fe, but I think it would be worse if you’re an enneagram 2 “the helper.” Occasionally I’ll still get sucked into this type of dynamic w/ an avoidant love interest. The situation’s over, but I was interested in a classmate earlier this yr. She was rescheduling plans & avoiding closeness. I wasn’t super interrogative, but I wanted to know why. I pushed for clarification via small actions. She eventually responded, but it was a vague RE w/ no clarification. With family or friends, I just let it go. With a love interest it’s still triggering. I don’t mind giving space for people to open up, but some people just can’t do it without it becoming a problem. I think that’s why I’m super appreciative of people that open up & communicate w/ me.
Hi Clay, I miss your videos. It's good to hear from you again. But I know life just happens. I devide people into two categories. Those who wants to solve problems and are looking for solutions and are able to comunicate and compromise about that. And the others who find problems for any solution, who only make more problems and thrive from the drama - narcissists. They are unconfortable with your questions, because they dont want to admit they own flaws, faults, lies and unpleasant things. They are not able to own their mistakes, because they think, they are already perfect and nothing cant be questioned. They only want to be praised. I know you already know about narcissists and empaths. Its like a day and night, we complement each other. Some people might be unconfortable with sharing some things, but its intention what matter the most. There is difference if they are just private or hide something important from you and are angy you have found out. Its ok for them to only ask confortable questions, when they look like a hero and good person, but you never cant portrait them badly. Then you became their worst enemy. But you cant never really win with them, because it seems like everything irritate them. They even call it as you have to walk on eggshells with them. They might not be honest, because they are not honest people. They also interrogate people to hoover sensitive informations to use it against their victims. So they are careful about sharing about themselves, so they wouldnt become vulnerable. But of course there are many shades and reasons of this. Those are just my thoughts.
INFJ always want to help or just give advice to everyone. We don't even have to like them. When we don't have enough info on their situation, we have to inquire who what when where and why. Whoops we just crosssed the line.. The INFJ conundrum. Ive learned to stop asking questions unless they really want to share. Im sorry to hear that you now have an ex. Got to be hard with kids. Just wanted to say that I hear you, thanks for sharing.
The issue is that Fi or values are rigid structures, in a nutshell, they are hierarchies of resources/power that these strong Fi types don't want to move along. They don't want to face their position on a power scale, whether they are stronger than they think or weaker than they think. Unfortunately I don't know a way to handle it but that they'll have trust that your words will help them, or you beat them over their head with their relative weakness or strength. The latter is what it will feel like to them regardless, the difference is they'll take the spanking shamefully or you're in for violence.
Anything but authenticity comes across as an injustice, triggering the instinct to drill down. The problem is that so few people operate on that frequency, I had to accept that if I kept going at that pace, I better really love my own company. lol Bill Barr (Fmr. Atty General), had a quote that is helpful to remember in these situations. "Never ascribe malice, when ignorance will suffice."
Thank so much, it was very useful to me what you explained. I agree with you, I recognize myself in this. What about intj's, for my experience they are many times annoyed from this. But I think that our intuition is so strong that many can't understand that. So in reality also if someone do not tell us what's going on, (certainly I don't know everything about their life) but I know when they say something and in reality it's not so I know when they want to cover their being annoyed or when they fake something and easely take off their mask. That's annoying to the them in particular intj's. And then they avoid me. 😅🤦♀️🙆♀️
I'm more familiar to the problem of people not sharing the level of deepness I like. And often I see that it's not because they refuse to share. It's more that they don't even know. So there is a situation where you ask them questions they don't have any answer to. But since it's about them, they feel obligated to have the answer. I started with the book "Six-minute xray" and it is already helping me very much here. In this book the author explains a system to analyze people in the first 6 minutes very deeply. He promises you will know them better than their family or closest friends. But what I can confirm for now is that it is helpful and working. If you really can analyze them to their core, I don't know yet. But it is going similar ways like the MBTI. Except that it is an assessment tool and no self-assessment tool. This method uses a "compass". In fact it's just different topics/area where you give points if you see a signal. To remember these signals easier he used a compass model. (He also has a video course for this, if you like to spend 300$ on it. But I only know the book and therefor can recommend the book only.)
One of the biggest thinkers of all times Socrates had method of solving problems through proper questions. There was some dilemma, he knew the solution but he want you to find it by your own so he were asking you questions on weak spots of your thinking until you get it. It was much better for you cause lot of people can't accept other people's thoughts, ideas or solutions.
I get what you saying. I be feeling that way myself, especially best friend. When he lies or changes subject I feel a weird tingle of dishonesty. I told him I call it my spidey sense. I notice too at times the more he deflects or denies it causes me to zoom in more. I always imagine if it were a movie scene. Its like when the screen centers in on me giving a im onto you death like glare. Funny enough he be swearing no one can figure him out. I try not to be so direct and blunt but gawd.
Yes absolutely. I got this problem especailly wih IxxP's, who naturally don't have the need to open up and tend to be avoidant. But it could boil down to just low Fe in general. As it's our Fe that makes us want to open up and solve the issue by sharing. ENFP's open up quite fast to an extent, INFP's I find extremely hard and need a lot of time, and even then it's not that present connection but they stay in this solipsistic state where it's mostly about them. What bugs me is how they don't want their values explained even if I'm asking with a genuine curiosity and no signs of criticism what so ever, high Fi users see it as a personal attack to defend from. My all time high in communicating both in intellect and opening up emotionally was with an ESTP funny enough.
Hi Clay, I just chose a video to ask you a question, I'll watch this one when I get the chance. I am interested in what you think about why people make statements as their intended compliment. Example: I was at the gym, on bench press, and a fellow gym mate says: "that's a lot of weight". I said: it's whatever... It's what I can do... I was thinking: how do you respond to something like that? It's tantamount to looking at someone and saying: "your wearing a red shirt". 😶 I know there are more important things to worry about, but I'm just curious. Tried to look it up on Google and TH-cam, but there was no befitting context. Off to work now. Check you later 🙂👍
I think this is the typical problem of someone wanting to help others and in this case strengthen their character and make them aware of flaws or help the kids but as we all know we all have different perspectives on things and different interests. Your friend didn't ask you to help him and what you see as an act of kindness that makes you feel better might seem pushy/controlling to your friend. Maybe he would be better off being helped by you but at the end of the day its his choice to take your offer of help, its better to be aware/sensible about that and regard the perspective of the other one. Also I would suggest you can use your parenting style if you are around your kids and your ex uses her parenting style around her kids, if she doesn't want to talk with you in-depth about the kids of yours, think about it alone or talk with friends about it. Also I am much younger than you and don't have kids but this came to my mind.
I see where you’re coming from, but it is so different when you co-parent kids. I don’t even have children (and don’t want them) but if the parents have almost opposite values, their kids won’t know what appropriate reactions are, how to adjust their feelings, etc. Parents NEED to come to mutual agreements on how to raise their children. It would be never ending confusion if one parent is, for example, open about feelings and emotions, and the other parent disregards feelings and tells their children to bottle it up and move on- that child won’t know what the right thing is.
@@Kn1ves_0ut Ýes, true. I thought about it a bit naive, thinking the kids will see for themselves which methods from the different parents they prefer and take with them into the future.
@@eichornfilm7122 I happen to agree with you. I have four kids, all in their teens now and my ex and I have completely different parenting styles. I do think it was kind of hard for them at first to know when they could be their real self however now that they're older they realize my partner and I genuinely want them to be who they really are with us. What has happened occasionally is when they're with my ex they sometimes slip up and are their real selves and end up getting in trouble for it. However the older they get the more they don't care if they get in trouble and it just shows them how disrespectful he is to their authentic selves and they end up wanting to spend very little time with him. My oldest, now 19, won't have anything to do with him and two of the others have already said when they turn 18 it's over. I should probably add that we are dealing with a narc.
As T type you must be to ruf. I was doing the same mistake as you when I was kid. Until someone told me you should not ask "this kind of questions". I asked why? (I had bother the person who wanted jut protect the first person ). I didn't had in my conception that in life their was some forbidden questions. At the end the second person told me "because it huts" you're to ruf. It was a simple question wich could be answered by yes or no. So I made in my head numbers of senaris; eliminate the not possible. And try to answering to most of them. When I had all my possiblites. I came back to the person and starting I'm sure it doesn't happen that to you because... , and if this thing happened or that other happened to you I am very sorry. I know you must feel like this and like that... .And at this moment the person open up. And I could explain to that person the reason why those feelings were there and how possibly that person could deal with it. This last conversation last just 15 minutes but it relived that person from over tow years of suffering. Just divide your question in something like ten questions. And sometimes don't ask one of those questions but go around by the answer. INFJ A trick. As INFJ T don't be so sudden work like eating rice one by one with chopsticks. Hope it would help.☺
Thank you - I'm guessing you could be even more straightforward in your reasoning - more blunt. But it's cultural also - Canadians ;) I wish there would be a French version of you ;)
Interrogation comes from anxiety. The lesson for an interrogator is to experience the discomfort of not interrogating and asking gently and then backing off. The subconscious driver for safety is the opposite for the anxious and avoidant. You can’t convert the other to your “way”. You can only convert yourself to the way that you “see” that you have to fix. It’s created by self, not other. Stop trying to solve someone else’s problem. Just listen.
That may be find advice if you're a therapist or in a relationship where the person's actions don't have extreme consequences for you. However, for someone in an emotionally starved or abusive relationship where change is needed, simply sitting back and listening is a luxury they may not have.
@@ClayArnall of course. Abusive relationships are not actually relationships; they are power plays. But it’s really important to hold the self as empowered and choose to not interrogate if you are NOT with an abuser. Of course interrogating an abuser can also create havoc for the interrogator. Interrogation is about self, not other and it will push others away if the anxiety is not felt and not acted upon. Interrogation to reduce anxiety puts the responsibility of soothing onto the other, rather than self. And we are always interrogating the other, so there is always two. Self and other.
Interesting how it triggers you but you say you have been with a lot of people like that. Why do you think you seem to be drawn to people with avoidance tendencies?
It’s a good question. I wonder if it’s because these people are often more emotionally stable and less confrontational? I am done with it lately though.
I remember another video you saying you talk in your sleep and sleep walk. SAME😂. My x woke up to it and tried talking with me and it totally freaked him out 😂 and I still don’t know what I said.
Hi. As an older INFJ ( 60) and i am also a therapist, I think this is accurate of our style of solving problems ( interrogation). I find that my closest relationships are with one INTJ and one ENFP who are both nf's and we have similar styles of needing to endlessly dig for answers. We have developed some code words which means " can we change subjects, take a break, stop this" so we do not drive each other crazy. Being in a custody/ child rearing situation increases the stakes and might make this more difficult. Stay strong.
I do this with certain woman. In your opinion what would be the psychological reason for this? It does happen with the quiet introverted type who are usually very private.
@@JoeSmith-ig3pr💯
@@JoeSmith-ig3pr cause u have a NEED to know on certain people, I don't worry about it.
Hi. Are you a practising therapist? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to disclose, I’m just looking for some coaching or therapy from another INFJ. Thank you.
I have this issue big time! I lose friendships. I don't know how to be friends with others without going deep into the thought process of myself and others. I think I can appear interrogating when I feel like I'm just inquisitive. I would like to know how to navigate this problem.
Same! To me, being inquisitive or even interrogating is a sign that I value the relationship and want to know the person more, and is a trait I would appreciate in others. It's frustrating when others don't see it that way. 😢😅
I missed you so much on youtube, I kept checking the channel to see if you had uploaded 😭
I don't even watch MBTI content anymore but I can still appreciate these videos. Everything you said here is so relatable. Nothing triggers me more than avoidant behaviour.
I can certainly relate to this. I am an INFJ, and my best friend is most definitely avoidant. He is wonderfully patient with me and my "digging/interrogative" nature. We joke about it quite a bit. It is so easy to pick up on when he has had enough.
It is interesting though how much avoidant people spark my interest and curiosity. I'm sure part of it is coming from an unconscious thought that I can help them. What I find so interesting is how uncurious they are about their inner world and their emotions. What I notice about them is that they take themselves as a fixed, unchangeable being. If there is a problem in their lives or some discomfort, the solution is to get away from the thing or person that is causing them distress. They seem to lack interest in understanding what is happening inside of them. They might even acknowledge (intellectually) that something in their past made them this way, but they have almost zero desire or capacity to explore their past. They might get to the place of "awareness", but they won't dig into their emotional lives or look for pathways to change. The concept of "change" is terrifying. The avoidant coping skills they have developed are the armor that keeps them safe. Peeling back the armor feels life threatening.
I'm an INFJ and I have the same issues. People interpret my questions negatively and assume in looking down on them. So everything I say to them has to be presented in a bland neutral way so there's no room for them to misunderstand.
@@youtubing9762 Agreed. The irony being that I enjoy the back and forth of probing their thoughts more than just empty banter. Why is it that the adjustment has to be made on my end instead of the other person learning to be more secure in their opinions? Doesn't that allow people to remain childish and unevolved?
@@GoldenGirl-555 In my experience, most people are not interested in evolving, and if they are childish then they definitely don't want to see it. I'm at a loss on how to speak with most people these days as I borderline treat them as children in order to not ruffle any feathers.
Exaaaaaaaactly!!!!!!
So annoying to adjust all the time. Almost all the time
•I relate this with playing devil’s advocate for loved ones.
•My husband (♥️RIP) was my favorite devil’s advocate; he kept me on my toes with constant challenges on my expressed opinions.
•I didn’t love this so much in real time, but I now miss it so much… His habit taught me huge life lessons on communication and intention.
The legend is back!
INFJ, here. I've always been accused of interrogating people. If I hear something said a certain way, a tone or body language etc.
We are so tuned in that we catch things most people miss. So if we ask about it we can also sense if the answer that we get isn’t genuine.
Then we’re in our heads and off to the races…. 😉
@@Dr.JudeAEMasonMD Truly yes.
I put a long version on your website of my Answer.
We seek truth and authenticity, the very thing that the majority of people want to hide. You will have to learn to put the quest down so to speak at some point in order to maintain relationships.
Facts. Avoidance and non-transparency are triggers for me so I definitely have to limit contact with people who can’t keep it real.
I really appreciate this kind of videos. If only we would value the importance of getting to know our triggers and coping mechanisms in order to get to know other's triggers and self defence mechanisms, the world would certainly be happier place (!)
This is absolutely the truth... I have family members who also have this avoidant style. I have a few thoughts on this. First let me say I was just about to put this idea of typology to bed as mythical pseudo-science, and here you are presenting an ontological truth: different personality types behave differently. They are different because were we in their shoes, we would behave the way we behave. We would remember who we are and defer to our moral compass which always points us towards truth when we are uncertain. But even this could be misleading. Whose to say you or I, subject to their life experience, would not behave exactly as they do? This for me is were things get weird, because although I have a big problem with religious mysticism as it exists in the world today, I know a spiritual battle when I see one: one side seeking for the truth through transparency, to expose the issues so that air and light can begin to heal; the other side determined to cover up, to lie to sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened so that is may fester and rot. And so spiritually, perhaps Mr. Universe gives the stronger entity the more daunting task. The so called 'INFJ' is further given the burden of understanding all of this even now because they are stronger of the two? ...and maybe this is delusional. The truth could be far more simple. Perhaps they (opposite INFJ) are the stronger as they must both live with an unbearable truth, carry that burden and also cope with the relentlessness of the INFJ in trying to uncover it... maybe they carry this burden unbeknownst and the secrets they guard might just destroy the formerly invincible INFJ. And perhaps, as I demonstrate right here, the INFJ knows all of it... clearly... And still demands of his own kin a higher, unyielding level of loyalty. But then this is not nor will it ever again be reality.
This is exactly the issue with my ex and I. There is still love on both sides, but the relationship Dynamic is exactly as you describe it
Same. Seems a lot of us end up in these stagnant and draining relationships
Avoidance irritates the living crap out of me. why not say what the issue is, we work through it, find a solution or sit with it, whatever needs to be done and can come out the other end together and better. 😑
They feel safe in the moment of avoidance but I’ve noticed that comfort doesn’t last long, they try to self medicate with some type of distraction (often times destructive)- gaming, drinking, sex, spending money etc.
I then see them as pathetic and loose respect- then check out emotionally. I don’t do this consciously, it seems to just be a domino effect.
A family member and I had a similar conversation to this topic but from the POV of our neurodivergence. I won’t share the convo b/c I can’t keep it concise but I can imagine that we (infjs) come off unapologetically exposing. That’s a very invasive impact. Someone wanted to vent/share thoughts and now they’re being pushed into a coaching or therapy session with us b/c of normal human hypocrisy. That’s not considerate, so I have realized. Idk how to help us infjs tho, except to have us stop that because it’s hurtful to those who didn’t sign up to do transformational work with us.
It's tricky. We can learn to hold our tongues and just be good listeners, but then it can become a weird one sided relationship, where they're getting what they want from us, but we're lacking that deeper connection that makes the relationship worthwhile to us. I personally tend to drift away if I don't feel connected. Just realizing as I type this that my relationship with my teens is so hard because they, of course, have started to clam up and keep more to themselves, and it can be like talking to a wall, so I'm missing that connection. I imagine they'll come around eventually. 😅
@@megan2176 yeah I find myself drifting away too. The only thing I find stopping me from that is having learned that I don’t need to make all my friends & acquaintances transformation partners. Just like I may be cool with someone because we’re tennis players for example, someone could be cool with me because they enjoy dark humor. Since I’ve recognized I’m not only this self development junky, I find it easier to not project the self development junky expectation on others. Sometimes we’re just going to have flaws and have to believe that we’re still enough at that point in the journey.
I’m the #INFJ who’s found myself at the bottom of Google more times than I’d like to admit. I will always have more questions. I’m not interrogating I’m just inquisitive AF.
We can do both in my opinion. Sometimes we interrogate and sometimes we are inquiring, depending on the situation/people you are interacting with. We interrogate because there is something that's bothering us or frustrates you.
I pick people I don’t have to chase around for intimacy, I pick those who like going deep. My closest friend is an INTJ, hella rewarding. (She is also an enneagram 8 like me.) Avoidant people bore me, I simply leave.
I am an ENFJ as you know by now, but man. You nailed it so hard when you brought up your dynamic with ENFP and INFP. It has become so much of a thing over the years for me that I think the reason why my relationships with them work much better nowadays is because I have become aware of this tendency in myself and I just avoid being "that person" to them. I don't challenge their values from a Ti standpoint nearly as much anymore (even though it is my inferior, I incessantly think about them!), and I just overall adjust my expectations and ways of engaging so that I do not do anything or say anything unnecessary. Unfortunately, this does result in a wall that does not allow us to become more intimate which as an Fe Dom, that is my biggest desire, but it is better this way for me than to have strong malice and tension or no dynamic at all with the ones I know.
Thanks for another dope video, bro.
Thanks for the perspective! Yeah, it's interesting how you have noticed something similar about the NFP immovable values. We should do that joint video we were planning a bit ago! I am currently a bit displaced as a huge fire has ravished our city. I'm currently evacuated from our house and I'm not sure if it will be there when this is all over. My parent's house has already burned down.
I would definitely like to see a joint video with Denzel and Clay 🙌
@@ClayArnall bro….what???? Wow…I had absolutely no idea….I’m terribly sorry to hear that….if you’re able, please keep me posted on that. For real. But also, I understand if there’s so much going on that it slips your mind. But I’m just genuinely concerned. That’s wild.
Anyway, yeah for sure, man. I’m totally game to still do that video whenever you’re ready. I’m taking a hiatus right now to just live life and learn, consume great content and etc. But I’m ready whenever you are.
@@jltrack 😌🙏🏾 I’m sure we won’t disappoint.
I think letting go and trusting others that they will eventually come up with solutions on their own is key here. Otherwise, people might feel like they have to change for someone else or open up to the other person not on their own terms.
I agree, and that approach works for relationships where you have the luxury of allowing that space and time. But if you've been married for 10 years, and you come to the conclusion that this person will never open up on their own terms, I feel like it is appropriate to push them somewhat.
Ha! I have been told (by more than one person over the years) that I put people on the "witness stand"....I have really tried to be cognizant of that tendency in myself, but I still slip into that mode occasionally.
This really speak to me, never understood why the desire to KNOW and help is responded to so harshly. I may still not know but at least I feel less alone in it.
Absolutely spot on. Very good insights. I also agree with the INTJ sentiment and have experienced that first hand over and over. The "softer" route does seem to help a bit... It can be incredibly difficult to maintain that light, softer energy when they are cold, withdrawn, and distant though. It takes a lot of work on the INFJs part.
Avoidance and secretiveness are some of my triggers, too! Especially in a close relationships, it can be a real issue.
I'm often accused of being too direct / interrogative in my approach (when I approach). I work in HR so that doesn’t suit me professionally. Learning to be more diplomatic, by observing others. It takes time and effort to adapt but it’s possible. When it comes to my personal relationships however, I mostly stay true to my nature.
When I approach, lol, so true. So glad I don't work in HR.
So glad you're back, Clay! Thank you for this incredibly insightful video, to which I can totally relate. It felt like somebody actually understands that this kind of relationship thing exists! I call it the "magnet poles relationship": You feel like the relationship could be super interesting, but then nothing ever develops deeper, and it literally feels like magnets being attracted to each other, but then swirling around and pushing each other away mutually.
As for an INFJ pointing out someones contradiction in values, so be it! Along with the trigger "avoidance" comes the trigger "fakeness".
Looking forward to many more of your super interesting topics! Your 52 year old fan!
You look like a historical figure but I cant place what time frame. All I know is you have the hair of the gods.
Greco-Romanesque
As an INFJ your videos are the MOST relatable and valuable to me. Avoidance is one of my biggest triggers as experienced recently. My 13 year old dog got very ill and I had to put her to sleep 8 weeks ago, she was my best friend. My “family” have always been quite cold and distant (unless they need sympathy for their own problems), since losing my dog they’ve actively avoided me. 2 of them even told me they “left me alone”… They expect me to care about their problems but they’ve never been there for me when I need it.
It’s hard because I’ve always wanted to help them and I wish we could have had better relationships. If anything, their avoidance of my grief has made it worse. My partner is an INFP and he often feels like I’m interrogating him but I’m just trying to help fix his problems 😅 It’s hard work sometimes…
I hear you. I feel the same. 🦋🧡🦋
I can ignore better than most, sometimes I see or hear things that I should react more to in ways of sympathy but I don't cause I don't want to get invested emotionally.
Stay strong 💫✨⭐️
It's a tough world when everyone tells you to get over it and stop fixating and to move on but you can't move on until you fixate on it and find a solution.
My brother is INTJ and I’m INFJ. I find it really difficult to go deep with him. Yet he’s so judgmental and I find myself committing to distancing myself from him at times. But it never sticks. Sometimes I’d like to teach him a lesson.
Hey Clay,
Big fan of inquiry - Self-inquiry as well!
Both positive actions for learning about your experience of the world and people around you, and so too facilitative of opportunities for change/inner-growth.
Also, can I ask what you're using in your hair?
Thank you so much for this video, Clay. As an INFJ who both conversationally probes for improvements pertaining to safety and self-actualization, but who also strongly values consensual interactions, seeing this video was very helpful. The timing of your video was personally on point for me coincidentally. So thank you for your insightful observations. 🦋🧡🦋
My god man! Your hair is so.. fantastic lookin!
I think i might actually be jealous.. good job!
Hi, I'm new to your videos but have been enjoying them very much. 49 year old INFJ here. I am curious what you think about the "Sigma" theory, or rather INFJ Sigma. Many discard the term as ridiculous but I'm finding that it resonates with me in many ways.
I am glad you uploaded a new video despite of your uncertain difficult times. I have been following your instagram for a while.I Hope you are safe after evacuation.
Thanks! I heard from a firefighter that drove our street today that our house is still standing, but it may be some time before we are allowed in if it does survive.
Full disclosure: I'm an INFP. And I'm not good at figuring out personality types. That said, when anyone is ( or maybe just seems to be?) genuinely curious about something, I will love to have a conversation about whatever. But if somone seems to be interrogating and/or trying to change my mind about something I've incorporated into my set of values, or reasons for doing something I very likely will avoid for a period of time (most often that's to conceive a good "argument." I hate conflict so what I want is to have a rational inoffensive conversation.) and practice it, OR I'll get defensive and say something about what they are saying doesn't matter, because a situation feels a certain way, and so My feelings aren't often swayed by what makes sense to someone else. Apologies for the rambling comment.😅
This video is literally talking to my core. I've been struggling my whole life with this issue of triggering people just by being authentic & honest, but trying to fix everyone is exhausting & time consuming. In my case, being an INFJ child to my unhealthy mom who is an ESFJ made me realise that I was reading her like a book before even learning about the human psyche & psychology, triggering her just by being honest knowing that later I've found that she's a covert narcissist, now I can smell the people from a far, I've learned to set boundaries, I'm no longer taking others triggers personally. I believe that we can turn our struggles to our powers & the best way to be true to ourselves is loving ourselves the dark side too
Yea, I'm tired of playing "emperor has no clothes" and trying to somehow justify all the other personality types' BS (one kind or the other).
Nearly all other types seem to cope with the truth in ridiculous ways, and I ironically cope not with the truth but rather with them and all of their mad antics/avoidance strategies.
For me truth is not the problem, rather it is something I avidly seek.
Truth is in fact THE ultimate solution to all problems.
So I am kind of forced to just stay alone, and whenever I'm with people, I have to play a complex dogde-ball with all their triggers and avoidances.
Reminds me of South Park, how it makes a parody/caricature of societal stuff.
The seeking of truth demands humility and constant transformation, and this is a lifestyle that most others seem to shun.
They just want to play make-believe, putting unconditional loyalty over it, build a castle over it, and cut off or fight off anyone who questions it.
Clay, the reason you are pushing to "figure out what is wrong" is because of your need to be in control (or to pin point the problem and solve it... Like a puzzle/game). The person is resistant to you because of many factors... They could have feelings of embarrassment, or perhaps feelings of sadness (that they don't want to talk about right now). You need to learn when to stop pushing and allow that person to come to you when they are ready to talk about it. Yes, it is hard to do, but a necessary step. The person on the other end of your conversation will thank you for it. I hope this helps! From a fellow INFJ :)
I'm an INFP. The INFJ's 'interrogation' isn't the trigger, but the constant critical analysis of my personal feelings/values/experiences in an attempt to drill down my weaknesses and change me to fit their own standards. I would have appreciated if they simply accepted things the way they are and showed emotional or even practical support. I took the time and energy to pour out all my heartfelt thoughts to the INFJ which I normally would have kept private, yet the INFJ is only interested in the logic/theory side of things and sees me as an object to be fixed in their own mind. Also, there isn't only one way to live or think. Why would you give unsolicited advice if you didn't experience the exact same things or emotions as the person? I have a love-hate relationship with INFJs.
true - i know I can come across as interrogating - thanks for sharing
Do you know your enneagram Clay? This is relatable, but I’m not much of a fixer anymore. I’d relate this to Fe, but I think it would be worse if you’re an enneagram 2 “the helper.” Occasionally I’ll still get sucked into this type of dynamic w/ an avoidant love interest. The situation’s over, but I was interested in a classmate earlier this yr. She was rescheduling plans & avoiding closeness. I wasn’t super interrogative, but I wanted to know why. I pushed for clarification via small actions. She eventually responded, but it was a vague RE w/ no clarification. With family or friends, I just let it go. With a love interest it’s still triggering. I don’t mind giving space for people to open up, but some people just can’t do it without it becoming a problem. I think that’s why I’m super appreciative of people that open up & communicate w/ me.
Hi Clay, I miss your videos. It's good to hear from you again. But I know life just happens.
I devide people into two categories. Those who wants to solve problems and are looking for solutions and are able to comunicate and compromise about that. And the others who find problems for any solution, who only make more problems and thrive from the drama - narcissists. They are unconfortable with your questions, because they dont want to admit they own flaws, faults, lies and unpleasant things. They are not able to own their mistakes, because they think, they are already perfect and nothing cant be questioned. They only want to be praised. I know you already know about narcissists and empaths. Its like a day and night, we complement each other.
Some people might be unconfortable with sharing some things, but its intention what matter the most. There is difference if they are just private or hide something important from you and are angy you have found out. Its ok for them to only ask confortable questions, when they look like a hero and good person, but you never cant portrait them badly. Then you became their worst enemy. But you cant never really win with them, because it seems like everything irritate them. They even call it as you have to walk on eggshells with them.
They might not be honest, because they are not honest people. They also interrogate people to hoover sensitive informations to use it against their victims. So they are careful about sharing about themselves, so they wouldnt become vulnerable.
But of course there are many shades and reasons of this. Those are just my thoughts.
INFJ always want to help or just give advice to everyone. We don't even have to like them. When we don't have enough info on their situation, we have to inquire who what when where and why. Whoops we just crosssed the line.. The INFJ conundrum. Ive learned to stop asking questions unless they really want to share. Im sorry to hear that you now have an ex. Got to be hard with kids. Just wanted to say that I hear you, thanks for sharing.
The issue is that Fi or values are rigid structures, in a nutshell, they are hierarchies of resources/power that these strong Fi types don't want to move along. They don't want to face their position on a power scale, whether they are stronger than they think or weaker than they think. Unfortunately I don't know a way to handle it but that they'll have trust that your words will help them, or you beat them over their head with their relative weakness or strength. The latter is what it will feel like to them regardless, the difference is they'll take the spanking shamefully or you're in for violence.
Anything but authenticity comes across as an injustice, triggering the instinct to drill down.
The problem is that so few people operate on that frequency, I had to accept that if I kept going at that pace, I better really love
my own company. lol
Bill Barr (Fmr. Atty General), had a quote that is helpful to remember in these situations.
"Never ascribe malice, when ignorance will suffice."
Thank so much, it was very useful to me what you explained. I agree with you, I recognize myself in this.
What about intj's, for my experience they are many times annoyed from this. But I think that our intuition is so strong that many can't understand that. So in reality also if someone do not tell us what's going on, (certainly I don't know everything about their life) but I know when they say something and in reality it's not so I know when they want to cover their being annoyed or when they fake something and easely take off their mask. That's annoying to the them in particular intj's. And then they avoid me. 😅🤦♀️🙆♀️
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relatable!!
I'm more familiar to the problem of people not sharing the level of deepness I like. And often I see that it's not because they refuse to share. It's more that they don't even know. So there is a situation where you ask them questions they don't have any answer to. But since it's about them, they feel obligated to have the answer.
I started with the book "Six-minute xray" and it is already helping me very much here. In this book the author explains a system to analyze people in the first 6 minutes very deeply. He promises you will know them better than their family or closest friends. But what I can confirm for now is that it is helpful and working. If you really can analyze them to their core, I don't know yet.
But it is going similar ways like the MBTI. Except that it is an assessment tool and no self-assessment tool.
This method uses a "compass". In fact it's just different topics/area where you give points if you see a signal. To remember these signals easier he used a compass model.
(He also has a video course for this, if you like to spend 300$ on it. But I only know the book and therefor can recommend the book only.)
One of the biggest thinkers of all times Socrates had method of solving problems through proper questions. There was some dilemma, he knew the solution but he want you to find it by your own so he were asking you questions on weak spots of your thinking until you get it. It was much better for you cause lot of people can't accept other people's thoughts, ideas or solutions.
❤ 😍🤗🎯💯👍 will try to keep a check on this too...
I get what you saying. I be feeling that way myself, especially best friend. When he lies or changes subject I feel a weird tingle of dishonesty. I told him I call it my spidey sense. I notice too at times the more he deflects or denies it causes me to zoom in more. I always imagine if it were a movie scene. Its like when the screen centers in on me giving a im onto you death like glare. Funny enough he be swearing no one can figure him out. I try not to be so direct and blunt but gawd.
Dude we are literally going through the same stuff😳
Yes absolutely. I got this problem especailly wih IxxP's, who naturally don't have the need to open up and tend to be avoidant.
But it could boil down to just low Fe in general. As it's our Fe that makes us want to open up and solve the issue by sharing.
ENFP's open up quite fast to an extent, INFP's I find extremely hard and need a lot of time, and even then it's not that present connection but they stay in this solipsistic state where it's mostly about them.
What bugs me is how they don't want their values explained even if I'm asking with a genuine curiosity and no signs of criticism what so ever, high Fi users see it as a personal attack to defend from.
My all time high in communicating both in intellect and opening up emotionally was with an ESTP funny enough.
Oh yes, I feel this.
Anxious Avoidant Trap
Hi Clay, I just chose a video to ask you a question, I'll watch this one when I get the chance. I am interested in what you think about why people make statements as their intended compliment. Example: I was at the gym, on bench press, and a fellow gym mate says: "that's a lot of weight". I said: it's whatever... It's what I can do...
I was thinking: how do you respond to something like that? It's tantamount to looking at someone and saying: "your wearing a red shirt". 😶
I know there are more important things to worry about, but I'm just curious. Tried to look it up on Google and TH-cam, but there was no befitting context.
Off to work now. Check you later 🙂👍
Hello, really liked video. I hope you’re far from fires and safe
Best wishes
I am currently evacuated from my house and we watched my parent's house burn down. It's a tough time in my city.
Thinking of you, may at least your house be safe
Good luck 😉 !
I think this is the typical problem of someone wanting to help others and in this case strengthen their character and make them aware of flaws or help the kids but as we all know we all have different perspectives on things and different interests. Your friend didn't ask you to help him and what you see as an act of kindness that makes you feel better might seem pushy/controlling to your friend. Maybe he would be better off being helped by you but at the end of the day its his choice to take your offer of help, its better to be aware/sensible about that and regard the perspective of the other one. Also I would suggest you can use your parenting style if you are around your kids and your ex uses her parenting style around her kids, if she doesn't want to talk with you in-depth about the kids of yours, think about it alone or talk with friends about it. Also I am much younger than you and don't have kids but this came to my mind.
I see where you’re coming from, but it is so different when you co-parent kids. I don’t even have children (and don’t want them) but if the parents have almost opposite values, their kids won’t know what appropriate reactions are, how to adjust their feelings, etc. Parents NEED to come to mutual agreements on how to raise their children. It would be never ending confusion if one parent is, for example, open about feelings and emotions, and the other parent disregards feelings and tells their children to bottle it up and move on- that child won’t know what the right thing is.
@@Kn1ves_0ut Ýes, true. I thought about it a bit naive, thinking the kids will see for themselves which methods from the different parents they prefer and take with them into the future.
@@eichornfilm7122
I happen to agree with you. I have four kids, all in their teens now and my ex and I have completely different parenting styles. I do think it was kind of hard for them at first to know when they could be their real self however now that they're older they realize my partner and I genuinely want them to be who they really are with us. What has happened occasionally is when they're with my ex they sometimes slip up and are their real selves and end up getting in trouble for it. However the older they get the more they don't care if they get in trouble and it just shows them how disrespectful he is to their authentic selves and they end up wanting to spend very little time with him. My oldest, now 19, won't have anything to do with him and two of the others have already said when they turn 18 it's over. I should probably add that we are dealing with a narc.
As T type you must be to ruf. I was doing the same mistake as you when I was kid. Until someone told me you should not ask "this kind of questions". I asked why? (I had bother the person who wanted jut protect the first person ). I didn't had in my conception that in life their was some forbidden questions. At the end the second person told me "because it huts" you're to ruf. It was a simple question wich could be answered by yes or no. So I made in my head numbers of senaris; eliminate the not possible. And try to answering to most of them. When I had all my possiblites. I came back to the person and starting I'm sure it doesn't happen that to you because... , and if this thing happened or that other happened to you I am very sorry. I know you must feel like this and like that... .And at this moment the person open up. And I could explain to that person the reason why those feelings were there and how possibly that person could deal with it. This last conversation last just 15 minutes but it relived that person from over tow years of suffering.
Just divide your question in something like ten questions. And sometimes don't ask one of those questions but go around by the answer.
INFJ A trick. As INFJ T don't be so sudden work like eating rice one by one with chopsticks.
Hope it would help.☺
Thank you - I'm guessing you could be even more straightforward in your reasoning - more blunt. But it's cultural also - Canadians ;) I wish there would be a French version of you ;)
Yep, we INFJ's have to learn to back off, focus on what we want and need, rather than "fixing" other people's behavior.
Interrogation comes from anxiety. The lesson for an interrogator is to experience the discomfort of not interrogating and asking gently and then backing off. The subconscious driver for safety is the opposite for the anxious and avoidant. You can’t convert the other to your “way”. You can only convert yourself to the way that you “see” that you have to fix. It’s created by self, not other.
Stop trying to solve someone else’s problem.
Just listen.
That may be find advice if you're a therapist or in a relationship where the person's actions don't have extreme consequences for you. However, for someone in an emotionally starved or abusive relationship where change is needed, simply sitting back and listening is a luxury they may not have.
@@ClayArnall of course. Abusive relationships are not actually relationships; they are power plays. But it’s really important to hold the self as empowered and choose to not interrogate if you are NOT with an abuser. Of course interrogating an abuser can also create havoc for the interrogator. Interrogation is about self, not other and it will push others away if the anxiety is not felt and not acted upon. Interrogation to reduce anxiety puts the responsibility of soothing onto the other, rather than self. And we are always interrogating the other, so there is always two. Self and other.
Interesting how it triggers you but you say you have been with a lot of people like that. Why do you think you seem to be drawn to people with avoidance tendencies?
It’s a good question. I wonder if it’s because these people are often more emotionally stable and less confrontational? I am done with it lately though.
You are talking about a gf!!
❤💯✌️😎
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I remember another video you saying you talk in your sleep and sleep walk. SAME😂. My x woke up to it and tried talking with me and it totally freaked him out 😂 and I still don’t know what I said.
You’ve been doing facials and deep hair conditioning!!! You look great. ❤