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We need to talk about Avoidant Personality Disorder.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ส.ค. 2024
- talking about avoidant personality disorder and how much it has affected my life.
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The look on your face when you talk about it being life ruining says it all. It’s a cruel disorder that leaves us lonely and grieving for the life we’d love to have, day after day after day. I have spent my whole life sobbing as quietly as I can because there’s no good way to explain to someone just how insignificant you can feel.
🥺 you get it.
💯
I can feel it
Thank you for sharing. AVPD is a very difficult disorder to live with. Feeling lonelier around people than when you are simply by yourself you're tempted to isolate yourself. A lot of us are actually likeable people.
I can so relate to everything you said. I have a job now where everyone is really nice and accepting of me but before I would this job I would start to have anxiety the day before going into work. Sunday's were never pleasant for me because I was thinking of the next day and when the next morning would come up, I would always wake up with my heart racing and panicky. Even though I finally found a good job after 40 years of working, there is still a time when I have to deal with a angry customer or a coworker that likes to get on to me when when that happens, I have to take medication as soon as I get home to keep me from getting really depressed. As I have aged, at 58 now, my avoidant personality disorder and depression has gotten worse. I'm at the point now that I just want to stay home in my little world. I don't even really want to be with family or friends that I know like me. I get anxious even around them. I don't call my 23 year old daughter like I should because I have so much fear that she doesn't want to be a part of my life or that I'm going to say something that will embarrass her or myself, so I just text her. I'm like you that I have to be in a relationship. I'm very lucky that my wife is a introvert and loves to stay at home also. Thank you for opening up, it has helped me.
I hope that one day you get the peace you deserve :)
I love the openness taking place. Reading this reply first made me feel like I could put this weight that I hold up every day of my life down for a moment. I find relief and comfort in this, thank you.
I’m middle aged and avoidant pd has gotten both better and worse. Socially I just care much less about things but I have zero
Motivation to go out or socialize. I have to ‘fake’ all social interactions and it’s exhausting .
I would never have kids as I would not want to take the chance of giving this to them
@@billsimms2511 I know what you mean... My therapist is pretty confident that this is caused by childhood trauma, rather than genetics, but yeah.
I bet if your daughter reads this comment of you she would visit you, give you a hug and tell you that the "not want to be part of your life" part is not true at all! ;)
1. I never had any interest or ambitions in having a career and feared having a job with responsibilities and expectations that I would then not want to deal with, or fail at. I'm 43 now and have only worked full time for 3 years, from age 22 to 25. Then I worked part time (only 15 hours a week) until I was 38 and the company went out of business. Never worked again, and never will. I just can't. It is completely emotionally exhausting.
2 & 3. I've only been with 3 people. My first was my best friend from school. We were friends from age 14, got together at age 18, and then broke up (she did) at age 22 but we remained best friends. Then I met my current partner online, and chatted for 9 MONTHS before meeting in person. I was sure if we spoke on the phone or when we met, I'd be a let down, so I put off meeting for all that time (we're still together now, 21 years later). I was also in a long term "relationship" with a much older man online who was married. Again, friends first.
I have had friends through my best friends for over 20 years who still barely know me, because I just cannot share my true self. I'm open and friendly, but only tl a limited extent. If anyone delves any deeper, it's like there's a brick wall there.
I have BPD too and the only DEEP friendships (and all 3 relationships) I can ever have is with my Favourite Person. They are the only people I want to show my whole self to.
4. Part of me doesn't care what people think of me, but the other part of me is SO self-conscious, I'm CONSTANTLY aware of how I look, if my facial expressions are looking attractive or appropriate for however I should be reacting, how my voice sounds, if I'm laughing too loudly, if I let my stutter come out, if I sound stupid, if I walk weirdly, and so on. (I too was shy and awkward, and also teased / bullied at school. I never reacted much. I was too embarrassed.)
5. New social situations...again, I don't really care what people think and can come across as very confident, and if they're strangers who I may never see again, I actually find that easier than if I get to know someone a bit more. I keep bumping into them in my building for instance, and chatting feels more awkward as I don't know how to act now. I've done the "first impression social thing". Now what?
6. I have felt inferior for decades. I was once called an "emotional cripple" by someone at high school (gee, thanks). Totally self-conscious. If I feel like I look really good, it helps a LOT, but...yeah.
7. Hmmmm. This one is a yes and no. I'll do stuff, and not really worry about it, BUT...like this video, I REALLY need to do things, at least at first, ALONE. I can't ride a bike for instance. I never wanted to learn. I can't talk on the phone in front of anyone I know. I can't even do laundry in front of my own partner!!!
If I wasn't a loner and delt with childhood trauma, none of this would've happened. I can't even text my best friend and have to learn how maintain relationships, even with my family.
Fr it all starts from childhood trauma and a build up of a whole bunch of shit
It's pretty messed up, that I've always thought I was a freak and alone with these thoughts. I also started to think I was autistic, that's how I found your videos. But after hearing you talk about your feelings, it's almost like my life. Being a self-deprecating clown to deal with people, then self-isolating and drinking just to cope in social situations. Thank you for your bravery, it takes gigantic balls to put yourself out there like this.
Yeah same. I started to question wether or not I was autistic but then I realized that alot of that just didn't add up the more I learned about autism. I don't have any issues socially except for the symptoms that come along with avpd
Your eyes are piercing! You don’t look directly into the lenses a lot but when you do it feels like you’re seeing into my soul!
When you explained about wanting to learn things but only by yourself, my jaw dropped; I very much relate
Great video
You did great
I think you a beautiful person for doing this. It is a shame the world is missing out on such a great person
Tis the power of Google, my dear
Yeah me too.
To give an example, I have been on a mental health expedition, trying to find exactly what I have or like something for almost one and a half year now, but I have never really discussed it with friends or family openly , I give some small tidbits sometimes to not keep it a big secret (I know from having an addiction that those are not healthy so I try and reveal some parts) but I never say anything openly.
I have been in 12 step groups, being in those meetings, calling people for hours, but I always found a way to keep it openly hidden, maybe there is a vague hint to what i am doing but never openly, searching on the internet for many hours a day, still I won't ever say it to anyone.
I went to a therapist but I just didn't feel like it was going right, and a reason somewhere deep down was that I wanted to do it on my own and not do it with someone else.
Fuck, typing this is making me realise how unhealthy this is, I guess I have to reduce this shit..
Yes, this is exactly me too. Nobody ever gets it. Finally, people who understand
A sense of shame is deep rooted in this disorder. Thank you for doing this video. It has been a great help. And I think your wonderful and courageous.
In a room full of people, even family or those I've know for a long period of time, i never feel like i belong or at least am as comfortable as everyone else appears to be. At my work place, i always feel like an outsider or from another team, while everyone else appears to be so comfortable with one another. My mom is a pleaser and my dad was the opposite, so I have a weird personality blend of wanting to bury my head in the sand and saying screw them if they're judging me, all the while no one is probanly looking at or judging me at all. Almost seems like a condition of self centeredness to a point, but in a self damaging way. I pray everyone that reads this gains the insight they need to live a more confident and happy life. 🙏❤️
Sounds a lot like imposter syndrome
It took me 26 yrs to find out that i have AvPD, it's pretty disappointing that there's so little awareness about this disorder. There's some interesting books about the topic and i'm glad that i can , finally, understand myself better.
Proud of your courage and honesty Maxine.
Thank you so so much 💖 I was 26 as well! It is a shame, that's why I'm hoping my videos reach who they need to reach so that i can share the clarity this diagnosis has brought me 👍
Do you have book recommendations ?
I'd like to heard about the book recommendations as well
Hi, do you have any books recommendations?
at age 42 my entire work history is about 5or 6 years. Came across this term a few weeks ago. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, well articulated about not the fear of job but the fear of criticism and that am not able to do. the devastating consequences of parental mental emotional abuse as well as personal characteristics. My comfort zone is to be alone most of the time. This way nobody can hurt me. :)
Actually the only person who hurts you it's your own self...
I am 30 and my whole work experience is 2 years😒
Don’t know if you will see this but if you need help, reply and I’ll help sending you in the right direction to get help
@@AltairRah what kind of help are you proposing, just curious
@@lindsaymarin2772 I literally was just going to type out a schema therapy to help whoever needed it. Its just a framework to help.
I don’t know what my issue is yet, but I literally don’t have any deep relationships anymore. I literally can’t start a relationship or a friendship. They have to seek me out. I don’t feel at ease with anyone. It is the same way with my sister. We used to be close, but as most humans do, they eventually show some disapproval. If anyone says anything negative to me, I just pull away. I care so much about what people think, that I don’t tell anyone this. It gets worse and lonelier with age. I really liked having jobs that I could just go off and do without too much interaction, but I have a hard time applying for jobs, so if I loose a job, it takes desperation to get back out there. I have had better periods in life where I was getting help, and could fake it a little more, but it never goes away. Even when I have had a friendship or relationship, I struggle with eye contact when talking about feelings or anything difficult. I don’t think I am on the spectrum, and I have a high degree of empathy and facial recognition. Also, I never had any language delays, and I had a lot of sense about people. It almost seems the opposite of being on the spectrum, but still with some of the same results. I have never had more than a few relationships at a time, but it isn’t that I am not likable. I just don’t let hardly anyone close. People at work always speak highly of me. I can’t call people. It is really bad, because I miss out on things. I even have a hard time talking to someone about renting a place, or making a payment arrangement. It is terrible. I haven’t really talked to my best friend in a few years because I know something went down between us, and although I think it is repairable, I can’t bring myself to reach out to her on the small chance it won’t. It was literally a lifelong friendship. We never even had a fight. Most of my friends have disappeared this way. They probably feel it is one sided because they have to do most of the contacting, even though I really want the friendship. I have tried to make some friends, but I think my lack of willingness to be vulnerable makes it difficult to get beyond acquaintances.
have you been vulenrable in friendships only left feeling exposed and wanting to pull away as well?
"I even have a hard time talking to someone about renting a place, or making a payment arrangement. It is terrible."
Oh my god. This. 😭
I've somehow managed to hold and succeed at a high stress job for almost 7 years now. Lot's of interaction with people, cold calls, stressful meeetings, etc. I literally just came across this disorder and realize I have so much of these symptoms. It's a miracle I'm in the position I'm in. With that said, I'm damn proud of myself. But what blows my mind is how you put yourself on the internet despite your condition. I couldn't do that.
I just need to open to others to develop friendships and romantic relationships. The loneliness is the worst part. I want to be alone, but I want to be around people.
It blows my mind how you could work at a job like that despite the condition... I never was able to really work in my life, I was just not sleeping from anxiety... same for any social interaction I had to go to, just non stop anguish for weeks prior, even only meeting my dad. No wonder I'm close to agoraphobic now with extremely bad health... way too much cortisol issues.
I'm pretty sure I have this. I'm now 33 and I have no friends and I've never been in a relationship. It feels pretty hopeless. Thanks for sharing, I can imagine how difficult it would be to put yourself out there like this. I can absolutely relate to what you said about work. I also was bullied a lot throughout school. I feel like I won't be successful in ANY career, mostly because of the social aspect and my insecurities/difficulties in simply being around other people. It's absolutely debilitating
I don’t think it’s possible to have a relationship with AVpd, it’s a prison sentence.
I have to disagree with the two previous comments. I believe you can actually change the disorder by voluntarily putting yourself into the situations that cause the pain. If you tended to remain in your comfort zone, you shouldn't be surprised at all that nothing has changed. There is no such thing as a painless personality change.
Most people with Avpd have a reason why they developed it in the first place ( including myself )
So for me there was another big elephant that no one told me i have which is ADHD ( genetic ) and NVLD, i suffered because of it all my life, and it was the root cause for me to avoid Everything you can see why, but i believe it can be treated, which makes social anxiety easier to deal with
I hope you all get better and not let anything discourage you no matter what it is
I hate when characters in movies or tv shows place themselves in embarrassing situations. I never understood why until I learned about this disorder.
Omg soooooo true, secondhand embarrassment will kill me hahaha
That algo happen to me...
I remember running to my room and hiding when something embarrassing was about to happen to a character on tv. Wow, makes sense now.
OMG I just realized why I hate watching movies - I can't stand the embarrassing/confrontational situations and cover my eyes if there's one to the point where I now only watch silly comedies.
I have to watch programs In blocks ,that is recover from the uncomfortableness and then start watching again.
Never mind my dogs understand me.
I've watched this numerous times throughout last year and I'm always astonished at how accurate this is. I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn’t so terrified of rejection and embarrassment. I'd be out practicing photography, working out at a gym, connecting with people instead of embarrassing myself during smalltalk and consequently avoiding interacting with them ever again… It just feels like there’s no end to this. Whenever I make an effort to break out of my shell I get shut down and reminded of my inferiority. I also feel so anxious all the time and I'm sure it shows, by struggling with eye contact for example. I'm glad I have friends that seem to like me for who I am but even with them I can rarely actually enjoy myself like a normal human being. This disorder is SO draining it's unreal.
AVPD has had a devastating impact on my life. I've been socially isolated for the past 15 years due to social anxiety and fear of criticism, which has made it difficult for me to form and maintain relationships. As a result, I don't have any friends or romantic relationships at the age of 30, and I'm currently unemployed. It's frustrating when people don't understand the severity of this disorder and how it can impact someone's social and emotional well-being. I also feel overwhelmed and uncertain about my future, especially since finding employment has been difficult due to my symptoms.
My symptoms have lead me to be financially independent on my boyfriend (who doesn’t even like me anymore loool) so I know all too well how scary and uncertain the future can feel for us - if we break up, I’ll have nothing. And I’m almost 30 now too. I’m finally about to graduate with a bachelors degree, but that won’t help me keep a job when my anxiety is so bad I can’t work. 😞
I can relate on so many levels. It’s one of the hardest mental health conditions to live with
That's key the child memories
The bullying..go there.. go deep
They didn't allow you to form confidence
Cause they were abusive
What a beautiful human being you are. So much comfort in this for anyone living with the pain and loneliness of AvPD.
Means so so so much 💖
Can't find anything more relatable than this it is so comforting I am not all alone in this world suffering for this toxicity wish I can meet ppl like u in my life in person feel so unsafe and lonely dealing with it all alone😭
It took me twice the amount of semesters to finish my bachelors degree thanks to my illness. Finally finding a job was a really terrible experience for me just because I saw possible dangers and ways to disappoint the other people at the company in every situation. Times of severe and ongoing anxiety lead me wanting to simply disappear which doesnt help with holding a new position, also working is sometimes more difficult for me because the symptoms interfere with things like my shortterm memory which leads me to feel embarassed after asking several times on how to do something simply because my brain cant handle the information. I also need constant reassurance if I did something right or not, in these moments I feel like a dysfunctional child in an adult suite.
Yes yes yes. My sister and I talk about this often - the feeling of pretending to be an adult. That everyone around you views you as a child dressed up in mom and dads clothes. 😩 the worst.
I am relating to this so much! I just learned I have this disorder at age 58. I just turned 60 a few days ago. I find the struggle more difficult as I age 😢
I deal with this heavy it’s almost like I feel invisible most of the time
If you see this, reply and I’ll respond with a helping guide for treatment, that you can lay in your bed where you can work through this.
I have this disorder and can relate. Its so funny though that when i watch videos of others like yourself, i wonder why you feel this way, you seem so normal and seem like a fine person. I guess this is how others feel about me. 🤷
I just found out about Avoidant Personality Disorder today at 35 years of age.. looking up the symptoms of this disorder I strongly relate to it out of all of the disorders I have researched over the years. I've also listened to your whole video, and appreciate you telling of your life experiences so far. I can definitely relate to a lot of them.
You’re brave! You allow yourself to be video recorded and put yourself out there knowing how difficult such a feat is for for an avoidant!
I had several other videos I’ve privated and consider doing the same to this one all the time, but luckily most of the feedback has been supportive and positive, which keeps me motivated to leave this up to help others. ❤️ thank you for the recognition!!
Wish I learned about this sooner than 41... Found out last week.. Been trying to diagnose myself for years, because I brake down in the doctors office and cant talk about it. Love the gym more than life, but I go to a little place with mostly senior people, even though they dont have the equipment I want, because there is less fear of ridicule there.. There are several other gyms here, but I couldnt keep going there. Work in a small shop on my own, dreading every time someone comes in. Make very little money, but cant get myself out there to pursue a real carreer again. Am close to bankrupcy several times a year, but its too hard, too many memories of mistakes and controversy that keep me up at night. Gave up dating at 27 cus it was way too hard. Was single for 11 years, waiting for that someone who would be able to convince me completely that they wanted to be with me and it was ok. Lucky for me I found him.
Ride bikes, but consistently stay away from pushing my progression, if there are others watching cus I feel ridiculous, and am afraid of being labled as bad, or not talented or a joke.. Shy away from pictures if my face is showing cus I dont want anyone to post a bad pic on sm, and everybody thinking ew, too bad shes so ugly. Had a profile pic on yt and every time someone dissagreed with me on a topic they get personal and write well hey you're ugly, so there... . Dont go to reunions unless I am in the absolute best shape and my life is on an upswing, otherwise I feel they pitty or belittle me.. Lately I just stopped going all together.. It holds everything back and feels like a waste of life... So after going through everything from adhd, skizotypal, cptsd(which prolly caused the apd) and finally apd... It is the most accurate description of me I have ever read. Have Bds(bodily distress syndrome) as well, again prolly from apd. Am currently medicated for that, because after 7 years of it I dragged myself up to the doctor and broke down. But now I need the nerve to ask for help about this too, but its so hard to talk about.. Even writing this I think oh no what if someone I know reads it, that would be the most terrible thing ever.. I need to get over the 'no one can know' stage... I want to stop hiding, Ive wasted so much time already..
I feel you so much with your problems with this Disorder. These patterns have robbed me of friendships and Job opportunities. I even had the same experience with the dirt bike you had. The exact same. I can even recall another similiar experience where my dad bought me a small inflatable jetski, he wanted me to test ride it at the beach, I was maybe 10 or 11, I didn't do it out of fear of what the others would think. I always thought this was introvertism but its probably not.
You described how I've felt as a kid. Its this fear of embarrassment that destroyed so many opportunities, and all of that already as a child. At the time where one should be free to have fun and experience the world without fear. It hurts to imagine what could've been. But i think there is sadly no other way than accepting that one has this behavior/thinking pattern ingrained since being a young child. So one and especially I will need to work on this consistently. How long will it take to beat this? Will it ever go away?
Even right now while writing this comment, I doubt myself and think about how this comment is not perfectly written as I'm not a native englisch speaker, perfectionism. Like there is always this little hyper-critical little rat on your shoulder, that you can never please. It's been very eye opening and kinda healing to find someone speak about this, and seeing how many experiences match.
Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you and everyone reading this much strength and resilience on their journey :)
Thank you 😊 I’m sorry you can relate but happy my video was able to resonate with your experiences, since it can feel so lonely. I do think the only way to get better is to be aware of it, actively work on pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and sitting with the uncomfortable feelings until they feel less uncomfortable. I’m guessing it’ll never feel normal, but I do fully believe it will get easier over time with practice. ❤️🩹
I love this video. You do a very good job communicating this condition. I’m 50 years old and I’ve been struggling with these traits my entire life. I have been married 26 years. My wife died last year and I finally decided to get counseling for my depression. I feel like these traits have hampered my career. The only people I have felt close to are my wife and children. I did have a girl friend three years during high school I guess I was close to her. Not my parents or brother. Only have one friend. I just wish I knew why I’m like this. I’ve always been shy. I can totally relate to the debilitating feelings, lived with it my entire life and I hate it.
congrats on having kids and a marriage despite this condition
"it's not about the job, it's about the social aspects of the job"
I don't have a diagnosis but damn, that resonates. I'm currently trying to finish a PhD and have missed so many opportunities due to this fear of having to be with new people and under unfamiliar circumstances. I've also lose various oportunities to make and mantain friendships in the past, due to feeling awkward, unappealing, boring or even pathetic. The idea that I'll end up being rejected might be present too.
Hope you're in a better situation now.
Just found out about it a day ago and I am so glad that I at least know why I move through life the way I do. 32 years of life and now I finally get it. There’s a little comfort in knowing
me too...
As someone who has gone thru disorder after disorder trying to find a fitting diagnosis, this really hits the nail on the head. It's so utterly difficult to describe deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy, ESPECIALLY when you're around other people you care about. This disorder is misunderstood in many ways that are damaging to people who deal with this on a daily basis. I've gone through imposter syndrome thinking it was extreme introversion or severe social anxiety. Ofc it's possible for these to occur together but the stigmas make it difficult for people to get diagnoses and help themselves yk? This video is very insightful and I'm glad I found it!
To start, there is a good upside to this disorder. You learn to observe, watch, listen, and become insanely self aware of yourself at all times, even when you're alone.
First, props to getting in front of a camera and posting it. I'm sure you reviewed it multiple times to assure yourself it wasn't so bad, you did good. Second, I'll try to be short. I've been aware of this in myself for awhile, I'm about 11 years older, and maybe this will help, but in time ya just may become more cynical, and stop caring about what day to day randos think, thats where I'm at. I haven't worked for about 8 years, I've struggled bad with alcoholism, was homeless for 3 years, haven't had a relationship of any kind for 11 years, no sex even for 11 years. This shit is real, and it sucks. Finally got a good housing situation, now I just sit in my cynical complacency with my 2 cats, smoke weed, and avoid the world at all costs, most people suck these days anyways.
I cannot believe I found this.Your words are totally exactly what I feel. Not engaging unless u know 100% it’s gonna be good exchange of interaction.I’m kind of in tears because I believed I was broken and felt inhumane. I admire relationships and friendships but just replying or meeting with them totally ruins me and I had no idea why was mega frustrating
I’m glad to have seen this video and seeing the comments it gives me hope because there’s a community who can also relate. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone :) thank u
I love getting these comments still because I remember the exact feeling of finding this disorder after over 27 years of feeling broken and realizing that there are others out there that feel exactly the same. 😭 I think our understanding of psychology is imperfect and I have a lot of theories about how this may overlap with autism or CPTSD but either way, we are out here. ❤️
It's shocking how similar all our stories are. i spent most of my life misdiagnozed. down to therapists losing their patience with me and being very obnoxious about it. figuring it out was a real come-to-jesus moment for me.
You're incredible for making a video. I could not.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know I'm not alone. What you spoke about really resonated with me.
I've never been someone who comments and is like "wow, this is exactly me!" but there's a first time for everything! I just got to the "long-term relationships are easy because of the obvious intimacy" + "friendships with women are Hard(TM)" and I am... speechless! Haha! Oh god and the wanting to be with someone who is obsessed with you... This is truly the most mind-blowing video I will watch for a really long time. I'm just happy and relieved and kind of numb right now that I'm not crazy and someone else's brain has done the same thing mine did. We're the same, age, too!
I hope you're having a good week, Maxine. Thank you more than I can say for posting this.
❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing this one. Sometimes I cannot translate what I am experiencing into words and people like you is such a heaven sent!
Hang in there everyone~ You're doing better than you think. 👍
Thank you for sharing! It makes so much sense to me, every time I hear the symptoms!
Thanks for sharing this. I was only recently diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder myself and it is a relief to hear that there are other people struggling with similar or even the same issues.
You are so brave and inspiring! I too have struggled with this for most of my life, but when I became aware of PDs (Avoidant/Schizoid especially) and how they manifest themselves I have made progress I thought wasn’t impossible. Life is still rough, but now I at least see glimpses of something I’ve never had before and those moments are beatiful!
You help a lot of people by being so brave and sharing your experience. Knowledge is power to change!
thank you for making this!! i’m rewatching this for the second time to take notes to prepare for my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. i’ve been seeing a psychologist for about a year now and bouncing between different diagnoses- i’m currently diagnosed with GAD, bipolar 2, adhd, possibly OCD & am pursuing an autism diagnosis. although i definitely have ADHD, my anxiety and fear of humiliation/rejection is debilitating and controls my life. your video is the first time i had ever heard of AvPD and i cannot explain the sense of relief i had when i heard your experience. i’m so happy to know there’s people like me
I’m watching this a year after you uploaded it and I identify with every single trait. And I’ve been obsessively researching different diagnoses too.
I needed this, thank you.
God, you actually described my life :( this is exactly how I’ve felt for so long. You’re not alone, wishing you so much love and strength ❤️ thank you for uploading this
Thank you Maxine, I can not imagine how hard it is to speak about this out loud. I have Complex and Cronic trauma (might have CPTSD too) and was diagnosed this year with AvPD. I find that there is a whole in me that says CRONIC SHAME. My dad was a bit narcissidtic due to trauma and my mum emotionally absent due to mental health disorders and trauma. Loads of the things you say I can resonate. Althought it's hard for me to believe it sometimes, it's not your fault. You're a good enough person that has it worse than others due to past experiences. A lot of courage and love.
I think its really important that I take a moment to comment. I'm watching this in passing today. I watched this from start to finish right before work and I'm soooooo glad I did. I have much in common with you. I think I have AVPD too, though I have not been professionally diagnosed. I actually Just left a job because of this...
Thank you for sharing your story. It was a comfort for me today.
-Love
💖💖💖
Thank you for making this ❤, I just realized a couple days ago and it helps to listen to other’s stories
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m just starting my journey learning about AvPD and this video really helps put things into perspective for me.
Thank you for sharing your story! I can relate with everything you said. I've never been able to keep a job for longer than 2 months because of anxiety, I dropped out of high school because at some point I became to afraid to even go to school and the same thing happened in two colleges. In relationships I've gotten lucky twice where the girl would take all the initiative at first, but later on in the relationship I became closed off and we grew apart. I've never taken the initiative myself, even though that's one of the things I want the most in life.
I've known for 3 years that I have this disorder, but didn't do research until now. Just hearing you tell your story makes me feel less alone.
I wish you the best with everything!
I come back to this video every now and then when I'm looking for words to explain my situation, weird as it may sound. You just word everything so perfectly, and every time I'm moved to tears again. I hope you're doing well these days, and thank you for uploading!
I can relate so well with what you talk about. I discovered this diagnosis to be true for me only a few days ago (I knew before that this disorder existed, but never considered to have a closer look at it). Sadly, I was even in therapy for a while, but we were not able to diagnose it correctly, which led to mistreatment and unsuccessful therapy, which of course was a disappointment.
The weird thing is that over the years I developed quite a few compensatory skills to cover up my insecurity and fear of rejection. So in social situations I would behave more or less confidently, while at the same time I always felt / feel lonely and insecure, even when in close contact with people. I always had like 1-2 close friends. With the same patterns as yours: I was able to maintain those friendships because I was very sure to be accepted and loved. But if they wouldn't have called me / wouldn't call me, I would suppose they are not interested in me anymore, don't like me anymore and so on. This also makes it very difficult to start intimate relationships, and once established, distrust would crawl in.
Those compensatory skills I talked about paradoxically made it even worse in a way: When talking with others about my insecurity and fear of rejection, people would soothe me, and reassure that I shouldn't be afraid of this or that, or that I could act confidently because I am such a good guy. But because of this, I was never able to really talk about my fears and anxieties on a fundamental basis; our conversations never had a common ground. Which increased my feelings of being inadequate, not well understood and so on. And of course, it didn't help me at all to overcome it.
Somehow it already helps to know about the existence of this disorder, so that I can understand: It's not me who is inadequate, but those feelings are rooted in my disorder. Now I hope I'll find some assistance to overcome it. Sadly, as this disorder is so overlooked (and probably under-diagnosed), there are only very few books out there about the topic (in case I don't seek a professional, I'd enjoy reading about it). Especially in my non-English-speaking home country (I wouldn't mind reading English books, but even in English, there is only a handful of books).
Thank you for sharing this with us and for creating some awareness for this diagnosis
I'm happy you made this video. I've been investigating about it and seeing someone talk makes me feel less alone.
You are absolutely brave for sharing this Maxine. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for watching!
Sheesh I’ve never related soooo much with this.. for the longest I felt I had social anxiety but that’s not the case at all.. I’ve always been suuuper avoidant just in general (family, friends, social situations), but at the same time craving those relationships.. it reallly sucks and makes me come across as a huge asshole when it’s just a deep rooted fear of rejection and self hatred
Thank you for sharing so openly about this disorder. The way you explained it was logical and helpful. Your story has filled in a huge piece of the puzzle for me. I think I've always felt different, and less than. I also have difficulty organising thoughts and articulating them. I can easily lose my train of thought mid-sentence. It's so embarrassing. Having this on top of AvPD makes social interactions even more fraught for me.
I admire your bravery, you're amazing, best of everything to you. This needs to be spoken of.
Great video! I struggle with avpd also and many of the things you said connected with me perfectly and felt so validating. I'm studying to be a counselor to help people with these issues and want to thank you for spreading the awareness and being so insightful and articulate about this subject. Hope you keep making videos to educate people about this disorder, maybe ways a person with this disorder can help themselves feel more at ease.
Gosh, this resonates with me so much it's just sad. Thank you for your video, it really helps with actually accepting the way i feel and naming this feeling. I'm in my last year of school and i've completely missed every opportunity i was given, the existential dread of slowly dying and not being able to do things that i actually enjoy just because of this unbearable feeling of inadequacy and shame is painful. I wish you luck in healing and living your best life, i believe that all of us who faced this disorder can live the life we crave
This is the best account on avpd I've heard, thank you. It truly is & likely always will be miserable, which I think is something we need to at least partly accept in ourselves just for the sake of sanity, this is a personality after all. Our lot seldom get treated with understanding - everyone knows someone with anxiety who manages & "gets over it". We are just incapable, copout, jobless bums going nowhere fast to the eyes of the majority. Where possible, my advice is: stop playing that game. F- what people think! You are in fact probably definitely trying 100x harder than the people around you, this rubbish is damn well hard enough as it is... One thing I've noticed is that nature seems to provide solace for a lot of people, which makes sense. Find your interests and be that paradoxically sad/happy weirdo. We certainly pay for it, but we do have that extra time to master certain topics or interests so can actually contribute a unique insight that others can't. Utilizing that in the real world is of course a different story, but not impossible...
Thank you for your courage in making this video. My sister younger sister has this diagnosis and our relationship is nonexistent. I have been trying to understand what she is going through....you helped me a lot! We will never be close and I am more at peace with the reasons why... I am no longer trying to fix her...that realization is a good step for me.
Thankyou so much Maxine..not sure whether you'll get to read this but I really appreciate your honesty, and the insight from reading a personal account.
It's so impressive that you share this. I had a similar reaction when I read the symptoms of AVPD - it was so spot on that I started laughing and crying at the same time, it was absurd reading it.
Anyway, I actually wanted to write a comment on how beautiful you are - the way you talk, and your eyes too are just stunning!! I just had to say it! It's actually hard to understand that you can have such negative thoughts about yourself (that's the crazy and sad part about this disorder I guess, how the mind completely twist our self image and how real that image appears to us and ultimately limits our lives).
Wish you and everyone else here all the best
I can relate totally to your story. It is me in many ways and the common thread I believe is starting out with social anxiety or being an anxious person and add experiencing bullying when a child and it's a toxic cocktail that creates this disorder. I too have had difficulty establishing friendships with women most of my life. I have had very few friends those have been close. I have also been diagnosed with GED and depression. It's been a life long struggle. I started on Paxil around 25 years ago and it did help a great deal with the anxiety and depression and my ability to cope. The good news is as long as you keep trying in life it gets easier as you get older. I became more comfortable with myself in my own skin in my forties. I had to raise a child on my own and work and learned to separate my work identity from my personal identity. I put on my work face and am outgoing and do what I need to but I know it's just a face I put on in order to earn a living. I feel more comfortable around people because I honestly don't care what they think of me anymore. I know what value I am as a human being. I don't need anyone's approval. You are a beautiful, smart woman. What people think of you has no real value because people in general will find some fault with you. What you think about yourself is all that matters. People have never been very good to me, except for a few family and people I love and I am blessed to have those people. But in general people are out for what they can get and are emotional vampires. If they are nice to you it's because they want something from you. You are better to keep a few close people and family and for the rest of humanity, you are in reality too good for most of them.
Thank you so much for this. I have a new therapist who pointed this out to me and hearing about your experience helps me relate it to my own life.
Thank you for this video. It helped me understand APD a lot better. Hope you're feeling better since then.
I blame my father/parents for this disorder. They only put me down my whole life! And they wonder why I'm "shy" and dnt have a job 😒
Same here 🤦♂️
Thank you for sharing your story, it helps people like you and me to feel less alone. I am 35 and I have only just discovered this personality disorder. I for the longest time thought it was social anxiety but I relate more to AVPD. I relate so much to what your saying. I myself am unemployed and I am avoiding going back to work. People dont realize how hard this is. And it is a serious disorder that we need to talk about more
Hi, thank you for sharing :D
The way you describe AVPD through your own experiences is some much more helpful than the usual textbook, superficial videoes out there.
I was recently diagnosed with AVPD, and like you, had no idea it even existed - of course it all resonated with me and my life though.
How you describe work situations strikes me particularly hard, and it's one of my absolute key issues. And by issue , I of course mean absolute nightmare. I've only endured it due to excessive drinking. That's another part of this personality disorder most are unaware of, we seem to gentle, tender and soft spoken to have serious substance abuse problems, am I right? Anyway, a couple of years ago I had to quit work, I've been in treatment and evaluation since - and to be honest I can't see myself going back either. My mental copilot to AVPD is bipolar disorder, a hilariously inplausible and contradictive combination, so I don't have the stability to fuction consistently - it's more than enough to cope and maintain my mental health in everyday life.
I really wanted to comment on how you elaborate on the criteria - in the DSM they seem insignificant and unproblematic. I think a reason AVPD often is described as a mild personality disorder, is it mainly affect ourselves - we dont cause much problems for others, and we are good at disguising it.
However, as you, I find it utterly dreadful and debilitating. It seeps into every nook and cranny of our life, twists reality, lies to us, steals from us and imprisons us.
I found this list on wiki, it's not the english wiki - to me it shows the comprehensiveness of AVPD and the myriad of hurt it causes.
The really fun ones start halfway down...
Thanks again :)
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People with AvPD are concerned about their own inadequacy and enter into friendships with others as long as they are sure that they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful for them, that they choose to be lonely rather than risk rejection.
-Has a strong desire to be social, but can not.
-Talks about a specific 'harmless' topic (work, family, special events) to avoid personal questions.
-Never intentionally say something that will hurt another person.
-Goes far beyond their own boundaries to take care of others.
-Some have little contact with close family, for fear of being 'seen through' while others have only contact with close family and have only a few close or no friends.
-Some are very quiet and engrossed in the thought of their own inability to say anything sensible. Is convinced that no one has any interest in their opinions.
-Some people talk incessantly to control the conversation and prevent personal questions.
-Avoid physical contact for fear that someone will get too close.
-Extremely low self-esteem.
-Strong hatred towards one's own person.
-Desperate desire to be invisible.
-Emotional distancing in intimate situations.
-Problems working in a work context.
-Do not see that anyone can enjoy their presence.
-Feeling inferior to others.
-In extreme cases - agoraphobia.
-Creates their own fantasy world as an escape tool and to disturb painful thoughts.
-Locates exits and positions themselves so that they can escape without anyone noticing.
-May be sensitive to odors, loud noises or lights.
-Often has problems setting boundaries and is vulnerable to manipulative people.
-Strong need for control.
-Perfectionism, everything should be perfect so no one can blame anything on them.
-Often changes hairdresser / grocery store / restaurant for fear of being recognized.
-Will not associate with colleagues or friends for fear of being caught in a situation without the opportunity to escape.
If the disorder remains untreated, the person will increasingly isolate themselves.
This (your video) was in my recomended on my YT front-page. I recently got diagnosed with it myself, and i'm not really sure what to think yet. I mean yes, i feel like it's me, and it helps me a bit in reminding myself why i am like i am, but yeah..
I also have thought I have like autism or being bipolar, having ADD like others in my family has. An have taken tests online for them.. like u have.
I recently also found a video i watched that explained AvPD and it made me like.. teary eyed/emotional.. bc i was like, oh sh!t that's me!! And your video is also like you're talking about me and i'm like... that's exactly how i went through it!
Also wishing i went to therapy about this sooner, so I knew about it in middle/high school etc. But that's on me bc I have always postponed going.. until now!
Thank you for sharing your story out there! I relate to it very much!
Wish i would be brave enough to as well, i've recently just told my closest friends about it and it made me nervous as heck to tell them bc scared of what they would think etc.!
(also checking other comments to see what others have written bc i'm not sure if mine's good enough lmaoo, hence all the editing)
Hugs from Scandinavia:)
Thank you and well done for being brave enough to talk about this online! I think I have APD too and it feels impossible to talk about, I hope you've been feeling better since then! Keep on growing gurl! ✨️ xx
Im one of those people who you help3d through this video. As far back as I can remember, like you. Although I was a popular kid, my favorite days were when I could slip away and hide during recess. I so relate to your adult experience too. Thank you so much.
I really appreciate your courage coming out and talking about it. I just recently discovered this idea of avoidant personality disorder and I was chocked that all of the symptosm I have. I always struggled with having friends or a partner in my life and still struggling with it.
I hope there is a community for this specific disorder where we can share our experiences and more importantly if there is a way to fix it.
very late to the party here. thanks for this video! i'm in the process of grappling with this potential diagnosis. for me, the major difference between my AvPD and social anxiety has to do with the root cause/feeling. my social anxiety is rooted in fear (of rejection, judgement, etc). which is of course crippling. but i feel like my AvPD is rooted more so in a BELIEF that i'm inferior. i believe i am inadequate, inferior, incompetent. and if i put myself out there, that risks people seeing me for how i truly am (inferior). which is why i had established this life long habit of avoiding. which is why i developed social anxiety. not sure why i feel this way about myself, maybe it's because i'm neurodivergent and had some negative social experiences as a child.
but i think what i'm struggling most with now is what to do about this. i need to figure out how to accept this and stop feeling so bitter about it. i need to figure out how to manage. i'm overwhelmed and don't know where to start
Yes, I totally understand what you’re saying and honestly am also feeling so overwhelmed, like every step I take forward is followed by many steps back. ❤️🩹 At least we aren’t as alone in it as we feel.
Thank you. Thank you so much. This made me cry. I feel what you are going through, because i'm suffering from the same shit, I know that tone of voice you're talking with the silence and the aaaaa between the words, it's like I'm talking. I just discovered a few weeks ago that I'm definitely AVPD and it shocked me, because I.never heard of it before, I never actually thought it was a disorder, I thought this just me! Talking about the learning process and wanting to do everything by yourself I doooo understand this in a very deep way, So I really appreciate your effort to make this clear enough and talk about it, thanks alot, so much love♥
Feels so good to know we're not the only ones. ❤ Thank you so much for your comment!!
This is a great explaination about AvPD, thank you for that! I think you're extremely self aware and good at expressing yourself in words.
I also have AvPD. It affects me in different ways in certain area's, but it helps to hear your experience.
It's so brave to put yourself out there, like really. I totally agree how this disorder should be known more as i also think more people are suffering from it than we know.
Wish you all the best!
Thank you for creating videos and sharing your stories. I find them very useful. I am in love with a man with avoidant personality disorder who as soon as we became close, pushes me away :(
I do the same thing to my partners, and didnt even realize it until a year ago or so. I'm sorry you're going through that, I'm sure it's difficult. But I'm glad you looked for insight and hope my videos can help you understand him better. ❤ Good luck.
My wife may have written this .
Fun thing about this disorder is that it keeps you from seeking the help you need in order to get better
I’ve ghosted every therapist I’ve ever had hahahahaha
I absolutely appreciate your honesty. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing this. I know it couldn't have been easy but you still did it! In my eyes, you're a hero. 🤗💐💕
thank you, friend! lucky to know you.
I just want to thank you for this video. Just two days ago I found a video on this disorder. I am almost 55 years old and just never understood what was wrong with me. My parents just died two years ago 3 days apart in December. My mom was bipolar but they hid it from us. I have a nephew that went off the deep end. So I've been doing a little research on mental illness. They believe he is also bipolar. So in this research I started to understand my mom and why she acted the way she did. Which is very sad because I feel her life could have been so different and a little more understood. But then I was looking up video's trying to figure out if my niece has been misdiagnosed on her issues. Then found the one on avoidant personality disorder. I was aware I had issues but never knew the right words to look up. I was extremely shy and never had very many friends or boy friends. I just thought it was the shyness and low self-esteem. I have one friend and she's just always been around. Lives in a different state and more like a phone friend. So really no friends. I have been married for 30 years but he's a homebody. So made it very easy for me to live this way. Now I need to figure out how to make my life a little better. I'm pretty comfortable in my own little bubble. But I have a sister that when her adult children are having issues I'm who she calls. This is so stressful and can be overwhelming. But if it wasn't my mom it was one of them. One of the biggest for me is if they didn't call me I would never call them. I have a brother also that I hardly ever talk to but truly feel he has his own issues. Then I do feel I have found mine. It's only been a few days but I have considered talking to a therapist or something. I would love to hear your input on this.
Crazy to think how I got here because of the comment you posted from another video. This is so brave. I too have AvPD so I get it . Hugsss! I wish you all the best ♥️
Thank you so so much for watching and commenting! ❤ I hope my channel helps make you feel less alone.
Same here. Thank you for commenting on the other video and thank you for your videos. ❤
me to .
I really appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this with the world so we can be educated. Explaining how anxious you are about being judged and yet putting your deepest fears out there for everyone takes so so so much courage. Thank you.
Thank you! Some people insist on using that to invalidate my diagnosis, but we need to give ourselves more credit. Sure, things that are easy or natural for others are terrifying and debilitating for us, but not necessarily impossible! With that said - if anyone from my real life found these videos, I would absolutely vaporize on the spot 🫠 lol
Of course they are. 🙄 Really? I could tell how nervous you were the whole video. They think they know your experience better than you. 🙅♀️
Watching this I felt like you were my thoughts talking back at me and knew what you were going to say before you said it because I related so much. I’m stressed because I’m 25 and I haven’t even touched a steering wheel and I’ve never had a job and I feel disappointed in myself and frustrated because I feel so inexperienced compared to people who’ve already done everything before even graduating high school. Anyways I’m studying creative writing in college and I’m hoping to bring awareness one day, I just know it’s extremely lonely knowing that nobody in my personal life will ever understand me.
I think you should try to find someone who will listen and not judge and I know that’s harder said than done lol but Keep going bro I believe in you
Damn this sounds exactly like me
I love you. Thank you so much for making this video. This is the only one I've seen that really gets it and tells it like it is. Watching this it is fascinating (and sad) how similar our mannerisms and ways of talking are. It's like looking in a mirror. Intense pain expressed though articulate compassion.
I don't know if you've looked into this yet, but you can get disability with this very disabling disorder. I did. And it might give you a lot of relief. Good luck.
I am asexual so I don't even have infatuation and attraction to make me put myself out there. Something I struggle with in any relationship is standing up for myself, either mentally or verbally. I have no understanding that someone else besides me could be (and probably is) at fault, so I get treated like garbage, like a doormat. I am really working through boundaries and things of that nature in therapy right now.
Just like you described, I have been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression, but have felt for a long time that there's something more going on. I relate so heavily to this entire video, but especially when you were talking about your experience with jobs it hit very very close to home. I'm currently trying to work a full-time job for the summer (I'm a student) and while I like the job and the people it's so hard to get up in the morning and go to work. I'm terrified of talking on the phone and with my co-workers, having to be in an open-concept office where I feel like everyone is looking at me, and of making any sort of mistake. It's so frustrating because I want to badly to do well but I'm afraid I'm going to have to quit, and I don't understand why it's so much harder for me than for anyone else. Thank you for making me feel less alone
I was just recently diagnosed with this and I was so happy as well to find it. I'm so glad something finally explains what I always thought was just anxiety. Now I can explain why I never can do anything I actually wanna do with friends.
Same. Thank you for putting this feelings into words so well.
I work a residential service job where im in and out of houses all day having superficial interactions with people which is ideal. Its made it much easier compared to having to work side by side with the same ppl everyday.
that sounds like a dream job, no need to build rapport and keep appearances with colleagues/customers
I couldn’t agree more about workplace anxiety! Thank you for this video ❤🙏🏻
debilitating is an accurate way to describe this disorder. I feel like I am on the edge of getting fired for no reason at all. This last year with the pandemic, I was assigned the greeter/cashier role which means I got yelled at regarding masks and stuff, did not make my situation any better at all. I just resigned after being on medical leave for a couple months. just never had time to really recover from working part time retail...I thought that this part time job would allow me to work but I will continue the search for another job I guess.
I worked at a Walmart for all of 1 shift (after the training) because every single manager acted annoyed that I was new… loool I feel you. The social pressures of “easy” jobs are nooooooot for me. 😮💨
The pandemic has been brutal on retail and grocery workers. They’ve had to bare the brunt of everyone’s anger.
Outsider here: I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and struggle with. You seem to be a beautiful person inside and out and I hope eventually you can feel free and thrive in all your heart desires. ❤🧡💛💚💙💜I'm watching this because I interact with someone who's been identified as AvPD (by a doctor who saw her clinically via a group therapy encounter) and I'm trying to understand it. I feel deep empathy for her but I've been *very* frustrated and confused as to why she seemingly lies to me again and again (trying to avoid anything negative I am learning now) and is hard to have a deep relationship with. I'm a very direct person, pretty comfortable with "difficult" conversations who highly values honesty and that's where I "bump" up against this socially. By learning more about this psychology, I hope to reduce my frustration and to probably stress her out less by not asking her certain kinds of (seemingly innocuous to me) questions. Changing my expectations will be key. 🙏 She's a lovely person but I regularly am baffled by our exchanges despite having a good relationship with each other. Hopefully I can learn how to engage with her in a way that is better for both of us. P.S. I understand real life trauma can be a big factor but anxiety (all kinds) also has physical factors - many have found help with the Medical Medium information, including me (so grateful). 🙏Just another resource (free info via the website, podcasts, social media content, and library books). Much Love Everyone - we are all just doing the best we can. 💖💖💖
I’m fairly certain I have AvPD, too. I self-diagnosed it 4 years ago, but haven’t wanted to really accept it by getting an official diagnosis, but maybe I need to.
Anyways, I relate so much to your story. Thank you so much for sharing it. Hope you’re well.
10:10 - 10:32 "That I felt like I would rather die, than go" is so true... :S
Having a job means having extreme panic & stress & the feeling of being overwhelmed, everyday, except saturday. :(
edit:
11:19 - 11:37 100% same for me... I would love to try jobs, but if I got one, I would stand in front of the company 10 minutes before shift starts, all ready, and then turn around & go home, *simply because of the fear of having to interact with new people that I don't know....* It's pointless to try and fail. Just like in any school that I was forced to go, anxiety days would happen, and in work environment they can not happen as often as they happen.
Wow, so spot on. Thanks for bringing some light and awareness to this debilitating disorder.
For some reason I could listen to you for hours. I felt so comfortable as though I was next to someone who understands me. I really thought I was just a shy introvert but wow it's much worse than that. Take care and good luck!
I can relate to this on so many levels, I've been diagnosed with everything I thought you were until I realized from connecting the dots I'm an avoidant on every level, I haven't dated in 9 years i'm 29 and the over analyzation re-runs are impossible to talk out of, it's excruciatingly discomfort getting close to people I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, the loop-d-loop of trusting I could fix myself, when I realized my social anxiety never much got better even with medication I just feel like, I need to breathe and maybe accept this, I've been avoidant all my life afraid of risks never had friends but thought to myself, i've just about mastered the art of being alone, I'm way to comfortable with it and that's my only difference on avoidance personality, I'm trying to learn how to express emotions freely even and working on trust, I've bought books on DBT Dialectical Therapy, CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I tried everything, i'm starting to get numb on what people think of me as i've been humiliated soo much in the past but still optimistic that If I improve or don't just got to take life slowly, I hope I can relate to a lot of you out there.. Thank You Maxine for your story!! To have soo much in common it's a relief there is actual people like this we can relate with..
Tysm for sharing. I feel the workplace stuff heavyyy.
i related to every single thing that you said.
I dont understand why some specialists consider thus dysorder to not be as hard to live with as others of the clouster B for example. How can they say that if literally what this personality disorder makes you do is NOT living and just stay under your blanket of your room too afraid of the world, not getting opportunoties to grow or to make memories to remember.
When you said that even if you go out it is an unenjoyable experience i felt that so hard. Instead of enjoying my time with friends id feel constantly anxious in every single moment because of what theyd think of me or perceive, so i dont live the present, sometimes it affects my memory too, i cant remember stuff happened in an afternoon with friends for example cause my mind wasnt there, insetad it was focussing on trying and failing to calm myself in social situations and also be ready to leave when an eventual panic attack occured
I have not related to another person so much in my life.
Thanks for the video. Having a hard avoidant day and its helpful to relate to someone else through the screen.