When you are in an relationship with a addict, just focus on your own life goals, they are manipulative and want all sorts of attention and sucking all your energy of you, they want you to stay on there level.. You will never grow in these kind of relationships! I speak from my own experience Stay focus❤️
@@sadafmansoorishaikh288 If divorce is not an option for you (I realize some religions & cultures frown upon divorce), could you possibly videotape him while he is high, or get some kind of proof of his addiction, and then show it to his family? Maybe they can help you because they would not want shame brought upon their family because of the addict. They may have more power over him than you. Tell them you are fearful of your child ingesting his drugs by accident because he is careless with them. Maybe if you try that, and if nothing gets better, maybe both families and the court/judge/elders would be then willing to approve a divorce.
We are we are both addicts but she is not willing to change not even try talks a good game but it's right back at it when she wants to get high and causes an argument to give her an excuse to go use other than that these videos have been helping so it's time for me to take care of myself and let her go
I have also had the "addict" taking all the blame as well. Saying things like, "I know it's all me", "I'm a terrible person", I am undeserving" Still playing the victim, trying to make you feel sorry for them.
This describes my dilemma perfectly. He takes blame but only in the most broad and self-pitying way, and as soon as he stops getting what he wants it's everybody else's fault. And when I kick his ass out, I'm being "abusive".
That’s what they caling “adopting a defeatist attitude” Often they say they’re terrible and it kind of ends there, it’s an effective way to end the argument. I tell them I love them but don’t want to hear a sob story, I want to know what we’re going to do to change and I want concrete actions. My pity wont change anything.
Can confirm that when you're your healthiest, the addict will leave. It feels like rejection, but it's actually respect. They realize that they can't manipulate you and give up. After 4 years of therapy and training, my addict told me he broke up with me because he didn't think I would let him take advantage of me anymore. He was right.
Just found out my husband relapsed again. 22 years of marriage and it’s been exhausting. The manipulation is real! It’s time to move on for the sake of myself and my kids.
Hey there I am sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is anything that you would like guidance on. You can always send me an email at tom@realrecoverytalk.com
Girl, I totally understand your pain. I just found out my boyfriend relapsed as well. It is absolutely soul crushing. I feel so unbelievably isolated and broken
Wow, I bet you an I could share stories all day! Same here! It cost me everything, hurt the kids, started hurting the grandkid an then he decided .. “ he was now sober “ meaning he hid it an lied and screamed at me if I don’t cooperate. 22 yrs! I divorced him a few years ago but let him stay because I don’t want to give up but I’m exhausted! It stinks living with someone who you know will still look you in the eyes an lie like are 8 yrs.
And from my experience 1) they continue to do this after they've been clean for years, and 2) it overlaps very much with narcissistic personality disorder. I ended what I thought was a close friendship with an addict who was 5 years clean when I realised it was a toxic relationship and he would never own up to his side of it
I have just been dumped by my abusive boyfriend of 4 years, (alcohol and cocaine) I have been the only one there for him when no one else was, I have stood by his side when he was down and scraping the bottom, I have found him where he was about to take his own life, I've been there all the way and found myself in so much crap and lies and now that he's in treatment and on day 40 clean he's ditching me because he needs to focus on himself , I have never felt more used and laughed at. I was good enough when no one else was there for him, when he needed a place to live, when he was at his worst, I stood by his side. I am left with the feeling that now that he is recovering I am not good enough. and the funny thing is that he will never find such a sweet, caring, loyal and loving girlfriend like me. and I have no abuse I live a quite normal life with work and healthy relationships
This is when you have to work on yourself. Sometimes we fixate on fixing someone but it's their life for them to fix alone. He needs to take responsibility for himself and it sounds like he is trying to. Perhaps it is for the best for him to be a better person first before being with you. You deserve the best version of him because that is what he received from you. Don't think you were used, just think you helped someone in need so that he can now help himself.
Please understand that it never was about you and whether you are good enough!! You are that is the key! This rejection is your protection. From it all. The manipulation, the lies, the delusions, the gas lighting you will meet the one who is worthy of the love that fills your heart.
I know you're in pain now , but you are now in your own recovery and I would guess, he's done you a huge favour. I hope you find a kind loving person to be with now you are released from the addict.
Oh Wow!! You just explained me and my 44yr old son. Thank you so much!!! He wont be making me feel guilty any more. He just rang me from the mental ward blaming me and telling me Ive never cared. I felt bad. No more thanks to you.
When I confronted my ex he would just cause a fight, call me controlling, and leave. The other night I finally confronted him completely and he told me he won't stop and either I accept it or he's gone. He has since blocked me and I know there is nothing I can do at this point.
Just went through the same thing with my daughter in the psych ward! I couldn’t even have a conversation with her she just keeps blaming me for everything and pointing out all my flaws! And denying she has a drug problem. She does have mental illness but I am noticing a pattern of her checking into the hospital when she runs out of money! I feel like maybe she is going in there for a comfortable detox more than mental illness.
He blames me for being angry at him and hurting from what he’s done to me. But usually he is just non- communicative or manipulative, never REAL. He’a sneaky and lies, not argumentative.
I picked up my friend from rehab. The first thing she asked was to go to a CVS to pick up a few toiletries. She went straight for 2 family sized bottles of Gold Listerine. As if….. Cunning. Baffling. Powerful.
Is it an addict manipulation to make accusations of mental abuse when the loved one is being assertive and trying to not be an enabler? You are very descriptive and helpful.
Yes it is. I have a roommate who just moved in a few weeks ago. This man is 28. His poor dad babying him like a toddler finding him a place to stay everything! He s a grown man. He tells me he suffers from mental health. I am understanding of his mental health. I do suffer with mental health too. But I regulate it. I don’t go out to become a cocaine addict. I am about to throw him out of my house. He s trying to be irresponsible in my house not cleaning after himself thinking I ll do it for him. Naaahh! Not me! Get somebody else to do it but not me! His poor dad and mom. Feeling so bad for them.
@@RealRecoveryTalk. I’m struggling accepting things the person using drugs did for the drugs. I appreciate the honesty but things done could put my families health in danger
@@RealRecoveryTalk. My 30 year old adopted at birth son is a homeless drug addict. He's been in and out of rehab. He leaves in a couple days. He has mental health issues: bipolar, ADHD, Asperger syndrome. He will not take prescription drugs due to side effects. He has less than one year left on parole for drug related offence. I will never let him live at my house, even though he keeps asking me. How can I get support from you. I live alone. No longer married.
You have to call it what it is. The first step of recovery is admitting it, we have to see it for what it is. This was very informative. You think somebody is really on the journey of healing and then they swoop you back into it with them, then blame you! It’s sad cause it be family. Thanks for the info .
Omg, seriously. I've literally been trying to put all the pieces together unsuccessfully for 3.5 years and although I knew the overall, I didn't realise it was manipulation. Literally, it's all just *CLICKED*. Thank you so much for helping me understand.
Thanks for the spot on advice. 😃 They do have a pattern to get you to participate in getting their drugs. Very easy to get manipulated. My addictic was using Religion, Pain Issues, and family drama to get support. Love the person , hate the addiction. Even if they don't stop using. You have no need for that guilt that will be placed on you. Because you loved them enough to say no.
I am so wishing you had resources here in Canada. I have resuscitated my son 3 times in my home since June. He is now out until he receives intense therapy. Sadly, he's a great kid. So much promise. It hurts so much. He cries to come home. I cant wake up to that anymore. I will be the one who dies. With Covid there arent many options. Very hard to be strong....but im doing it . He is still begging, pleading....it's HELL.
He literally described almost everything my ex wife has been doing for the past 4 years. She adamantly denies using or ever using, but all the signs are there. For a while, she would gaslight me, manipulate me into believing that I was in the wrong and it was my fault for why she struggled, living off and on in the streets. I would question myself, everything I believed and would let myself be driven by guilt, giving in to what she wanted as a way to atone for what I've done in the past. I have full custody of our two kids and have given her many opportunities and chances to be there for our kids, but she simply comes and goes as she pleases, only calling or wanting to see them when she misses them. I recently made the decision to cut her from our kids' lives until she gets her life together, but of course she takes no accountability and continues to try to manipulate and blame. She says that she's their mom and has the right to be with our kids, that every child needs their mom, that I need to grow up and not think with my emotions, that I'm only being spiteful cause she doesn't want to be with me. Then she always claims that keeping the kids away from her is illegal, that she's spoken to a lawyer and threatens to take me to court. I've been doing research on addiction for a while and watching interviews with addicts to better understand addiction, the inner struggles they face, how to deal with loved ones who have addictions and avoid being manipulated by them. This was very insightful.
I have had a similar situation. It is very difficult to deal with. I, early on, decided to very respectful towards the other parent, despite this parent treating me and our kids crappy, because I wanted the kids to see respectful conduct. And remember you once choose this mum for a reason, and eve though you would like to have a better mum for your children, she is the only mum they have. But at the same time protect your children and respect their needs. Help them to deal with the chaos on their own terms with integrity. Remember to build a strong relationship with them to last a lifetime, cause they need it. And if drugs or alcholism is in the mix, take them to Al-Ateen meetings to help them deal with everything, and lower the risk of them getting in trouble with addictions. Btw. We were both codependent from childhood...
This made a lot of sense once I heard you say an addict tries to make you crazy. The weed my S. O . uses seems to potential paranoia. I don’t know day to day what behaviors I will be dealing with. He blames me - he choose not to work his 2cnd program. You gave facts , I really needed those. T. Y.
Going through this right now. One thing that he also does is trying to divide members of hus family. Once he realises that he cannot manipulate me, he turns to his mother and put the blame on me. And when he is fed up with not being able to manipulate his mother, he will turn to me again. I don't fall for it. And that makes him angrym he blames me for being judgemental when I confront him with his lies, stealing and addiction. He has gone back to his mother again. She believes that he takes heroin every 10 days. Seriously? Heroin? Actually he takes it more than once a day. The only things that keep him away from drugs is lack of money. God bless all of you who are going through this. It's hard to no more recognize someone you love deeply. It's ok to let them go. Please don't blame yourself for showing to them that they can't manipulate you. You all deserve better.
I just found your video and really needed to hear this after finding out my boyfriend is using crack. He has done all the things you've said in this video to me
It’s so draining!! I just started going to therapy to get help on how to not gaf! I love my family member but it’s to the point that its taking a toll on my mental health I sometimes hate that I care so much. 🥺😩
If you’re interested you can schedule a consultation call with us and potentially take part in our family reconnect program! Go to realrecoverytalk.com to schedule! Thank is for the comment! Would love to help you out if we can :)
My boyfriends sister is an addict and we’re living with her. It’s been hard. Especially when she breaks my stuff and blames it on me just as an excuse to start using again. Playing the victim card. What hurts the most is that my boyfriend believes her lies and tries to protect her, i guess like all big brothers naturally do. This is drifting us apart. My mental health is also being affected big time because confronting her caused only more problems. Her only reaction was anger and i was sobbing trying to make her tell the truth which, as i now understand, was not possible knowing the only thing she thinks about is drugs. Imagine: your stuff gradually, over time is being broken and stolen and when confronted, YOU have to say sorry to the person who did it because they felt attacked. Feel like im the peacemaker who is always trying to understand and help everyone else, but gets hurt and stabbed in the back instead. I feel very alone in this, because the only person i need supprt from right now (my partner, the person i trully love) is being manipulated and cant see the situation as it is, as a result enabling her to use furthermore, harming herself and lying to everyone she once loved. Hope someone else can relate. ❤
Yes this is a tough situation, you should evaluate what is within your control and work on that. Sounds like you all may need some different living arragments?
Thank you so much I'm going through a very nasty breakup I believe my significant other relapsed because the old behaviors came out of nowhere kind of I saw the signs but I wanted to believe he was still sober
I listened to this and yes everything you said was true except the end where you say "so you can get your loved one clean and sober .Nope ,can't be done it's all in them ,yes learning how to stop enabling only saves you and that is a hard thing to learn .God Bless all the people who love an addict ❤️❤️
This is exactly how I have treated him always. I will help minimally but never with cash. Clean then not. Rinse and repeat. It is very difficult to maintain any sympathy for him as you know they are in a sense actively working against you and trying to manipulate you on top of it. I personally believe he is a covert narcissist. It's sad but I have allowed it by staying. The promises never kept. If you have the option to leave, go. They'll find you if they eventually clean up.
I can't stand myself for allowing my 28 year old daughter's lies or manipulation. Addicts have that manipulation behavior and know how and when, who or which person. She calls me names, doesn't work and probably couldn't hold a job down anyway, and she blames me about things that don't exist or that I know are not true. Yeah, I'm the bad guy! When I put her out, I tell her that I'll always love her but I can't help her but I can support her if she wants the help because I can love her. Later she will return for me to let her use the bathroom or she's hungry, or she'll cry that sad cry of hurt and will tell me that someone's going to beat her up. That is why I fail! I feel bad, permitting the manipulation or is it? I open the door and I'm stuck again! BUT...she's going out again. True what is mentioned in this informative video, they pick a fight or a reason to leave. She does a lot of that, or annoys me. Why are they annoying? Walking around the house too much, slamming doors, they throw dishes around harshly, washes clothes too much, uses up the soap detergents, toilet paper, oh and the mannerisms are gone! I can go on! She admitted to using drugs and has been in rehab twice but always relaps. She talks horrible to me and her dad, to the grandchildren! I'm angry at myself for allowing my life to be unhappy and have no peace! I'm going to start researching material to help myself and for my change. Thank you Tom😊.
Thanks again Tom. She has been in jail for about a month now. She has created a lot on herself from warrants and violations and domestic violence and battery charges. She's been on trial and not sure if she is serious about getting help from rehab AGAIN, or not or if the judge will allow her to go again or just do jail time...more time, maybe. She still continues to blame me for the messy life she chooses and she tells me over the phone from those inmate calls she makes to me. I usually have to end the conversation when she starts crossing the road of disrespect, not that I don't care, but I'm also paying for the minutes. So, I don't even know how she can say "whatever," to my I love yous. Ugh! 🙉
My heart goes to all these people ; so many stories of struggling with loving addicts ; for me it was my second husband -so no kids between us fortunately - but I still care for him so deeply -but all this struggle people say is so achingly familiar! My heart really went out to you most because it’s your daughter ( and I have a 29 year old daughter) ( but the crashing and chaos and emotional drama is something I experienced) - it must break your heart . Sending so much love to you today. I hope you find the balance and peace you need ❤
Wow, I feel as though you have been listening to and watching what is happening between my son and me! He has used all of these tactics, and more. And yes, I fell for each one of them. So now I am aware of what's actually going on. Thank you for this video.
Hey thank you for this! We appreciate that we can help :) If you would like to have a discussion with your situation reach out to us! Tom@realrecoverytalk.com and Ben@realrecoverytalk.com
Some of these comments kind of upset me. I am an addict, just got out of rehab 2 weeks ago. I understand all the trust we break and turmoil we cause. But my way of thinking has changed, i def did this behavior in my addiction but its different now. I want to make these changes but my ex refuses to give me any time. Ik i caused this but she doesnt want to see the changes she would rather run away from the relationship. She only remembers the bad parts of our relationship. Without my addictions in the way the relationship was really good, if im willing to go through recovery why can we not get back to old times
I dont like that term either. Its self defeating. I have been sober for over 5 years and Im a different person. I can accept that I was an addict, but Im not anymore. Im stronger and smarter after everything Ive learned and healed along the way. I will never go back its impossible in my mind.
Yooo this was crazy I watched this last night and I got to the "this is going to sound crazy but.." part and thought naaaah not my girlfriend 😆 and then today she calls me and says "this is going to sound crazy...." 👀👀👀 and proceeded to say exactly.. exactly what you said she would. Hilarious, good show.
Thank you you the only one who doesn't sugar coat it. Doing all the things you mentioned my bf gambles and this is the only way to help him if he don't like it I'm still Holding my ground even if we break up.
Once an Addict is not always an Addict. It is as much as saying once a good person is always a good person. Once a good friend is always a good friend....
I recently cut the cord with my daughters father. I asked to get help or leave and apparently his telling everyone “ I kicked him out” it’s been tough but it was draining having him constantly accuse me of things that weren’t true. Super paranoid about nothing. I hope he finds himself again. I gave up
Wow!!! 😮 this is exactly what they do omg I thought I was crazy cuz no one else sees this! Wow spot on.. thank u for your help I will definitely be more aware and speak up instead of just keeping my head down 😢 no more!
Ive left my hubby and this was so the case. I have no desire to continue trying I hope and pray he finds help I tried for 8 years trying on/off 26 years. My daughter as well is stuck in drugs I hope she does what she said a couple of weeks ago she was working on becoming sober. She disowned me last dec and I had to let go because she was horrible. I have her son I needed to be happy and focused on my life. They both needed money so often it was crazy. I'm free hope they become sober. The things my daughter has done since I refused to help her anymore Shes been homeless, gave up 3 kids, multiple jail time and skipping courts, a few weeks ago she said she is going be sober and get her son(I only have 1 of her kids) so hope she will. My hubby on the other end won't even try to be better or say he has been working on himself all while still drinking and smoking dope yes, he was free from Meth I hope he stays that way since I left him 2 months ago. Maybe had I research stuff like this could have helped im just tired and done with ignoring my wants in my life and that is to be as normal as possible free from addicted people. I struggle enough with my own stuff
My dad relapsed after 9 years I knew he was doing drugs because he changed he kept picking fights with everyone, especially my mom. I confronted him about it and it didn't help he argued with me and didn't admit to it. I tried telling my mom about my suspicion and she brushed it off so they wouldn't have problems. He recently OD in the driveway he literally died and was brought back by paramedics so he had to admit it that he was using for over a year again. I tried getting him to go to rehab but he convinced my mom and sister that he can get himself clean at home. Idk what to do anymore growing up with an addict was a living hell
I don't know. My dad is a narcissistic dry drunk at the moment. Won't ever stop being a narc. All of the abuse my whole life (even as an adult) has really messed me up. I was a victim of his abuse and there are current wounds still. I don't drink or do drugs. Only was a social drinker. Don't think I'm an addict, but have been to alanon. I almost think denying that some people are victimized is like a whole other type of gaslighting victimization. People are victims. They don't have to stay there and it can be a daily process towards thriving, but you can't skip the step of acknowledging that very bad things happened to them and mourn that tragedy then work to transforming that pain. I'm watching this video because I've dated addict guys that have manipulated me so bad in the past. I was almost conditioned to be manipulated by my father.
Fantastically accurate and useful information and content. Would be great to see a slight change in some language... person struggling with substances rather that "addict" but other than that, great video.
@Element 406 the word addict is stigmatising and really labels a person. Person with an addiction, dependancy disorder, struggling with substances are all better alternatives.
@@stephritchie9573 the language is intentionally hurtfull. Who wants to be an "addict"? Who does it help to change the language? The addict? Not really... because then its not a bad thing to stay that way
Until I was out of my 26 yrs of marriage, I now focus on myself I didn't see the manipulation or let's play the victim. The blame hurt so much as I felt his alcoholism was my fault, he would say we haven't been intimate, it's your fault... Why would anyone have sex with a person who smells of their drinking... Who wants that, I didn't. I'm free now and looking after myself, alanon was my lifeline. ❤
Hey Lauren sorry you are going through this! Hopefully she will get the help that she needs. If you want to chat you can email me at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com
I called the police on my alcoholic 45 yr old daughter after she started punching me because I told her she had to leave. She called several of my very close family members telling them how terribly I was. She ended up moving in with her 7th boyfriend who was an alcoholic and addict, but he supported her. H e finally kicked her out and now she is with another guy. She had manipulated me for years but after me joining ALANON she couldn't manipulate me any more. We haven't spoken in several years. I worry about her and will always love the REAL her.
Hey there! Sorry to hear you are going through this. If you would like you can send me an email to Tom@realrecoverytalk.com and we can connect and discuss your situation! Thanks
I kicked my son out of my home cause I caught him with a needle in my bathroom he left and totalled his truck out and he blames me and I refuse to take the blame for his bad choices in his life anymore... he is still in the hospital with a crused pelvic again my fault took him food and he started a argument with me so I walked out I'm not the one to blame his choices and addiction is to blame not me anymore ..
My wife told me tonight that I've turned into a fat slob because i drink too much. She doesn't know that I now rely on cocaine to feel happy & all of my attempts at quiting have failed. I cant stress how much i dont want to tell her about the coke & can't stress how much i dont want it anymore. I understand why i feel unhappy without it & that i just need time away from it to get back to normal but it's so easy to get it & life just seems grey without it. I cant believe that i am an addict. It can happen to anyone. I need someone to tell me that i will go back to normal again & how long it took for them to feel happy after stopping.
Hey Michael, I appreciate your comment and let me tell you that there is freedom on the other side of addiction. It is going to take some hard work but I PROMISE you that if you do the work, you will be greatly awarded. Feel free to send me an email at tom@realrecoverytalk.com
I apologized for something I didn’t even do when he blamed his bad behavior on me for a fight that he started !! something he made up in his head and then wouldn’t talk to me about it !
My AD said she'd been shot because she owe a dealer $600. She left crazy messages all night telling me the was "running for her life" "please help me" "Mom, I'm gonna die, I love you." I don't know where she is. She doesn't have a car. How, what do I do? I'm a basket case. I think she's in Tampa somewhere. She sent me a picture of herself with some bloody paper towels on her shoulder, and she's got a huge abrasion on her face. I called Tampa police dept. they don't have a case with her name. This is consuming me. What should I do?
Hi I know this was a year ago. I was once in a stalking/threatening situation by an addict. I hope you can share something about this whole threatening thing they do.
Get a restraining order. Block them. Dont think about them ever again. Focus on yourself- your life going forward. This worked for me from many different perspectives. Hope this helps
My ex partner never used to blame it on anything. She was an admitted addict but she just used to go get some stuff out the blue. Buying alcohol, cannabis which I also smoked, and cocaine which I almost always refused to partake in cos it wasn't my drug of choice I love weed. She wasn't crazy into the drugs cos of having 2 children but I used to see her and the children during the day and she would be half hammered on vodka taking the dog out for a walk then drive us all back to her place under the influence hitting car mirrors whilst turning round in the road and I just had to sit there in the car and say nothing or she'd kick off. Being out of the relationship now I knew I was abused but whilst in it it's so hard to see. Life is crazy and we all go through mad things.
Do a lot of alcoholics cheat? I know a couple & one of them became an alcoholic when they started cheating. It seemed like the stress from hiding their actions & cheating, drove them to drink 24/7 because of the guilt. Drinking allowed them to not feel anything or care about the damage they were causing themselves & family. Is this common & what do you do if this happens in your marriage?
@@StuThompson-oq5vl all alcoholics don’t cheat alcohol in general causes disinhibition and lack of thought about consequences and anyone that drinks enough alcohol whether they are an alcoholic or not is at risk of making bad decisions in their life. If you encounter the mix of cheating and alcohol it’s time to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your loved one.
Although my husband does not take the blame but blame me for his addiction, his newest manipulation is he says that Marujuana is not a drug and his zombie like personality is not affecting our marriage or raising the kids and that I am the horrible person with lots of flaws that he accepts and I am the reason for all the problems I our marriage. I'm about to leave him again and I'm struggling with guilt, and I k ow it's best for my kids because my husband is so stoned all the time he literally only does things for himself he is out doing his preferred hobbies comes home stoned then smokes more and lands in front of the TV, tells me a woman has no brains and should just cook clean and take care of kids and give him sex when he wants it and that I must just keep quiet and be humble because he is not bad guy and he is not an alcoholic so I should accept him or leave. Yup he literally tell me ugly things then if I leave like I have so many times then he makes me feel bad for breaking up the family so I go back to him just to do this all over and over. So he acts like a alcoholic but with Marujuana, is Marujuana a problem or am I just a bad person?
I dont think you are a bad person at all. I would recommend seeing a counselor or building a support group that you can reach out to. If you have any questions you can email me at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com!!
No, you're not a bad person. I left the guy I was with & in love with, 8 years because he wouldn't quit pot. Before living with his addiction I would have laughed at anyone suggesting that Marijuana was an addictive drug that was bad to do. Just because alcohol is worse doesn't make Marijuana good. The lesser of evil is still evil. A marriage should be equal partnership. When you get away from him you'll be making a space for a good man who will treat you right to enter the picture. And you're leaving might be the wake up call he needs to get clean & BE that man, but maybe not. You deserve better. You'll be happier single & putting energy into being the best mom ever than you are now. Sometimes it's not until the weight is off & that person out of our life before we can realize how HEAVY it was. Verbal abuse is abuse also. I'd reach out to shelters and resources for abused women like safehome.
yes husband does did it to me....he was soo good at it even the rehab belived him....now second one said they wont believing him i get crazy request???
They are not narcisists but they can be very narcissistic. There is a difference but it seems like they are because the disease of narcissism is that the person is totally self absorbed. A narc cares about nothing and no one if it's not about them. It's the same as an addictive only caring about their fix
Some narcissists are addicts. Not all addicts are narcissists. There are addicts that are actually good people who just have a really big problem. However, when in active addiction addicts/alcoholics DO often behave in ways that are very, very similar to the behaviour of a narc. It may not be until the person commits to and maintains sobriety for a period of time that you'll actually be able to see for sure if it was just addiction or if it was actually narcissism plus addiction. That's an awful lot of time you are committing to somebody elses maybes. I like the advice above in the feed from Ash Ley. 👆 Stay committed to your own lane. Move forward. Regardless.
I thought my hubby quit drinking almost 5 yrs ago, but I’ve had Suspicions since than and I was right I confronted him once in that time and boy did he turn it on me ! Today I find a hidden garbage bag full of empty beer/ liquor bottles! Iam so disappointed n upset. Iam not sure what to do or say about it again knowing he will start an argument and blame me again . He’s been a functioning alcoholic for the past 35 years he never misses work he controls it well but I just can’t handle alcohol in around or near my life anymore how should I go about this
We actually have podcast next week will be very helpful to watch. We use the acronym BRAVE to address Addiction Manipulation: 1. Be aware- know manipulation tactics- guilt-tripping, denial, lying, victimization, etc so you can identify when these are being used. 2. Reinforce boundaries - establish and communicate clear but firm boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and uphold them 3. Act Calmly- remain calm and "detached" respond calmly without emotional engagement. being calm helps to focus only on the facts as emotional engagement sometimes will enable their power to continue manipulating you 4. Voice the need for professional - It is crucial to encourage them to seek professional help -AA, therapy, etc while at the same time showing you are supporting them Help 5. Engage in support networks- specifically for yourself as it can be emotionally draining-- Al anon, Nar-Anon, therapy as you do not control their behavior or their outcome and you have to accept that in order to help your loved one you have to help yourself and be okay with the outcome whether it is what you want or not
My child, manipulates me constantly. I worked out a year ago I gave her $17;000+ and she has nothing now. I’m the biggest cunt in the world. I gave her everything, she was raised in a house where she had her own room, beautiful room, double bed, posters on the wall... friends over, mum the parent canteen lady, I did it all. Took my babies to the UK, Singapore, Queensland..... I did everything for my daughter, she took my credit card for hundreds. She doesn’t talk to me now, I’m irrelevant.
I can't live safely in my own home. I need my medicine and I am not an addict but I don't get to take it because my daughter steals it from me. I bought a $126 safe and she still got into it! My counselor suggested it! There is nothing she can't get in to! I can't wait until she leaves. She's 24 and a pain in my ass! She ironically works for David Lawrence Center in Naples Florida where they Baker Act kids who are having trouble at home with drug abuse and alcoholism. What can I do?
How to get over the lies he told? How to rebuild trust? I feel like I wasn't enough for him not to relaspe. After 8 yrs He was 6 mos sober then one day my world shattered. I know he loves me and our childern but I don't know if I can believe what he says.
Adrie, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Trust me when I tell you, you are seeing the addict. NOT the person that you love. It is true that you cannot believe what he is tell you (most of the time) but there will be a time that your relationship will mend, so as long as you and him do the work that is involved. Feel free to email me at tom@realrecoverytalk.com and we can chat about your situation thanks!
Using "always" and "never" REALLY undermines your message and attempt to illuminate manipulation. This confuses those who have a master manipulator as "their" addict- because some of them KNOW what they are doing by taking pseudo-responsibility.
Ex fiance was constantly on lsd. He said it was non addictive, yet he refused to work on his issues, eventually breaking up with me. I'm pretty confused as he really is pushing people away. I don't know much about LSD but he had a long history with heroin. Just sounds like he was switching the poison...
When you are in an relationship with a addict, just focus on your own life goals, they are manipulative and want all sorts of attention and sucking all your energy of you, they want you to stay on there level.. You will never grow in these kind of relationships!
I speak from my own experience
Stay focus❤️
I am a housewife with an infant...my husband is a drug addict...he has made my life hell
@@sadafmansoorishaikh288 If divorce is not an option for you (I realize some religions & cultures frown upon divorce), could you possibly videotape him while he is high, or get some kind of proof of his addiction, and then show it to his family? Maybe they can help you because they would not want shame brought upon their family because of the addict. They may have more power over him than you. Tell them you are fearful of your child ingesting his drugs by accident because he is careless with them. Maybe if you try that, and if nothing gets better, maybe both families and the court/judge/elders would be then willing to approve a divorce.
We are we are both addicts but she is not willing to change not even try talks a good game but it's right back at it when she wants to get high and causes an argument to give her an excuse to go use other than that these videos have been helping so it's time for me to take care of myself and let her go
Thank you
I am so grateful that they showed me what an unhealthy and toxic relationship we had. I wish them well 🙏
I have also had the "addict" taking all the blame as well. Saying things like, "I know it's all me", "I'm a terrible person", I am undeserving" Still playing the victim, trying to make you feel sorry for them.
Yep! That’s the worse because it makes it feel like you should feel for them and you feel cold and mean. Ugh,
This describes my dilemma perfectly. He takes blame but only in the most broad and self-pitying way, and as soon as he stops getting what he wants it's everybody else's fault. And when I kick his ass out, I'm being "abusive".
That’s what they caling “adopting a defeatist attitude”
Often they say they’re terrible and it kind of ends there, it’s an effective way to end the argument.
I tell them I love them but don’t want to hear a sob story, I want to know what we’re going to do to change and I want concrete actions. My pity wont change anything.
Can confirm that when you're your healthiest, the addict will leave. It feels like rejection, but it's actually respect. They realize that they can't manipulate you and give up. After 4 years of therapy and training, my addict told me he broke up with me because he didn't think I would let him take advantage of me anymore. He was right.
Hey good stuff right there!
Just found out my husband relapsed again. 22 years of marriage and it’s been exhausting. The manipulation is real! It’s time to move on for the sake of myself and my kids.
Hey there I am sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is anything that you would like guidance on. You can always send me an email at tom@realrecoverytalk.com
Girl, I totally understand your pain. I just found out my boyfriend relapsed as well. It is absolutely soul crushing. I feel so unbelievably isolated and broken
@@beautifuldisaster9784 definitely gut wrenching !
Wow, I bet you an I could share stories all day! Same here! It cost me everything, hurt the kids, started hurting the grandkid an then he decided .. “ he was now sober “ meaning he hid it an lied and screamed at me if I don’t cooperate. 22 yrs! I divorced him a few years ago but let him stay because I don’t want to give up but I’m exhausted! It stinks living with someone who you know will still look you in the eyes an lie like are 8 yrs.
@@buffyking5880 it’s an insane cycle. Hurts to stay and hurts breaking up. Praying for strength everyday to get me through the emotions of it all.
And from my experience 1) they continue to do this after they've been clean for years, and 2) it overlaps very much with narcissistic personality disorder. I ended what I thought was a close friendship with an addict who was 5 years clean when I realised it was a toxic relationship and he would never own up to his side of it
wow thanks for sharing that!
The manipulation is really scary,
I have just been dumped by my abusive boyfriend of 4 years, (alcohol and cocaine) I have been the only one there for him when no one else was, I have stood by his side when he was down and scraping the bottom, I have found him where he was about to take his own life, I've been there all the way and found myself in so much crap and lies and now that he's in treatment and on day 40 clean he's ditching me because he needs to focus on himself , I have never felt more used and laughed at. I was good enough when no one else was there for him, when he needed a place to live, when he was at his worst, I stood by his side. I am left with the feeling that now that he is recovering I am not good enough. and the funny thing is that he will never find such a sweet, caring, loyal and loving girlfriend like me. and I have no abuse I live a quite normal life with work and healthy relationships
This is when you have to work on yourself. Sometimes we fixate on fixing someone but it's their life for them to fix alone. He needs to take responsibility for himself and it sounds like he is trying to. Perhaps it is for the best for him to be a better person first before being with you. You deserve the best version of him because that is what he received from you. Don't think you were used, just think you helped someone in need so that he can now help himself.
He’s full of shit. You’re more than enough and he didn’t deserve you.
Please understand that it never was about you and whether you are good enough!! You are that is the key! This rejection is your protection. From it all. The manipulation, the lies, the delusions, the gas lighting you will meet the one who is worthy of the love that fills your heart.
take it as a blessing!!
I know you're in pain now , but you are now in your own recovery and I would guess, he's done you a huge favour. I hope you find a kind loving person to be with now you are released from the addict.
Oh Wow!! You just explained me and my 44yr old son. Thank you so much!!! He wont be making me feel guilty any more. He just rang me from the mental ward blaming me and telling me Ive never cared. I felt bad. No more thanks to you.
When I confronted my ex he would just cause a fight, call me controlling, and leave. The other night I finally confronted him completely and he told me he won't stop and either I accept it or he's gone. He has since blocked me and I know there is nothing I can do at this point.
Just went through the same thing with my daughter in the psych ward! I couldn’t even have a conversation with her she just keeps blaming me for everything and pointing out all my flaws! And denying she has a drug problem. She does have mental illness but I am noticing a pattern of her checking into the hospital when she runs out of money! I feel like maybe she is going in there for a comfortable detox more than mental illness.
@@ashatan4554addiction is a mental illness and it usually goes along with another disorder.
My dad would call and write from jail blaming me and his other kid and ex-wife for the trajectory of his life all the time.
This sounds like what is like to deal with a narcissist.......exact same experience.......🤔💡
There unfortunately are a lot of people out there like this, thanks for your comment 👍👍
He blames me for being angry at him and hurting from what he’s done to me. But usually he is just non- communicative or manipulative, never REAL. He’a sneaky and lies, not argumentative.
That’s my husband 100%.
I picked up my friend from rehab.
The first thing she asked was to go to a CVS to pick up a few toiletries.
She went straight for 2 family sized bottles of Gold Listerine.
As if…..
Cunning.
Baffling.
Powerful.
Omg you nailed it. They do it in recovery too but with other drugs to replace the original addiction.
Is it an addict manipulation to make accusations of mental abuse when the loved one is being assertive and trying to not be an enabler?
You are very descriptive and helpful.
Yes
Yes it is. I have a roommate who just moved in a few weeks ago. This man is 28. His poor dad babying him like a toddler finding him a place to stay everything! He s a grown man. He tells me he suffers from mental health. I am understanding of his mental health. I do suffer with mental health too. But I regulate it. I don’t go out to become a cocaine addict. I am about to throw him out of my house. He s trying to be irresponsible in my house not cleaning after himself thinking I ll do it for him. Naaahh! Not me! Get somebody else to do it but not me! His poor dad and mom. Feeling so bad for them.
This video just validated what is being experienced in my family. It gives that real perspective.
Erika Million glad to help!! Feel free to reach out if you need guidance!!
@@RealRecoveryTalk. I’m struggling accepting things the person using drugs did for the drugs. I appreciate the honesty but things done could put my families health in danger
I feel you big dawg
@@RealRecoveryTalk. My 30 year old adopted at birth son is a homeless drug addict. He's been in and out of rehab. He leaves in a couple days. He has mental health issues: bipolar, ADHD, Asperger syndrome. He will not take prescription drugs due to side effects. He has less than one year left on parole for drug related offence. I will never let him live at my house, even though he keeps asking me. How can I get support from you. I live alone. No longer married.
@@catherinecarella2928 Hey there! You can send me an email at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com and we can connect!
You have to call it what it is. The first step of recovery is admitting it, we have to see it for what it is. This was very informative. You think somebody is really on the journey of healing and then they swoop you back into it with them, then blame you! It’s sad cause it be family. Thanks for the info .
Omg, seriously. I've literally been trying to put all the pieces together unsuccessfully for 3.5 years and although I knew the overall, I didn't realise it was manipulation. Literally, it's all just *CLICKED*. Thank you so much for helping me understand.
Thank you!! I hope it helped :) if you ever have questions feel free to reach out!
Thanks for the spot on advice. 😃 They do have a pattern to get you to participate in getting their drugs. Very easy to get manipulated. My addictic was using Religion, Pain Issues, and family drama to get support. Love the person , hate the addiction. Even if they don't stop using. You have no need for that guilt that will be placed on you. Because you loved them enough to say no.
I am so wishing you had resources here in Canada.
I have resuscitated my son 3 times in my home since June.
He is now out until he receives intense therapy.
Sadly, he's a great kid. So much promise. It hurts so much.
He cries to come home. I cant wake up to that anymore. I will be the one who dies.
With Covid there arent many options.
Very hard to be strong....but im doing it . He is still begging, pleading....it's HELL.
I feel you! Stay strong!
I pray your son is delivered in Jesus name 😢
🙏🙏🙏
He literally described almost everything my ex wife has been doing for the past 4 years.
She adamantly denies using or ever using, but all the signs are there. For a while, she would gaslight me, manipulate me into believing that I was in the wrong and it was my fault for why she struggled, living off and on in the streets. I would question myself, everything I believed and would let myself be driven by guilt, giving in to what she wanted as a way to atone for what I've done in the past.
I have full custody of our two kids and have given her many opportunities and chances to be there for our kids, but she simply comes and goes as she pleases, only calling or wanting to see them when she misses them. I recently made the decision to cut her from our kids' lives until she gets her life together, but of course she takes no accountability and continues to try to manipulate and blame. She says that she's their mom and has the right to be with our kids, that every child needs their mom, that I need to grow up and not think with my emotions, that I'm only being spiteful cause she doesn't want to be with me. Then she always claims that keeping the kids away from her is illegal, that she's spoken to a lawyer and threatens to take me to court.
I've been doing research on addiction for a while and watching interviews with addicts to better understand addiction, the inner struggles they face, how to deal with loved ones who have addictions and avoid being manipulated by them. This was very insightful.
Thanks!! I appreciate your comment!!
I have had a similar situation. It is very difficult to deal with. I, early on, decided to very respectful towards the other parent, despite this parent treating me and our kids crappy, because I wanted the kids to see respectful conduct. And remember you once choose this mum for a reason, and eve though you would like to have a better mum for your children, she is the only mum they have. But at the same time protect your children and respect their needs. Help them to deal with the chaos on their own terms with integrity. Remember to build a strong relationship with them to last a lifetime, cause they need it.
And if drugs or alcholism is in the mix, take them to Al-Ateen meetings to help them deal with everything, and lower the risk of them getting in trouble with addictions.
Btw. We were both codependent from childhood...
This really helps me. He is manipulating me. The lies 🥺🥺🥺.
My 34 year old son has done this to us for so many years. Your video has been very liberating.
Thank you for your response!! Glad we could help :)
My addict has done that so many times, start fights for no reason other than to have an excuse to get high.
This made a lot of sense once I heard you say an addict tries to make you crazy. The weed my S. O . uses seems to potential paranoia. I don’t know day to day what behaviors I will be dealing with. He blames me - he choose not to work his 2cnd program. You gave facts , I really needed those. T. Y.
Going through this right now. One thing that he also does is trying to divide members of hus family. Once he realises that he cannot manipulate me, he turns to his mother and put the blame on me. And when he is fed up with not being able to manipulate his mother, he will turn to me again. I don't fall for it. And that makes him angrym he blames me for being judgemental when I confront him with his lies, stealing and addiction. He has gone back to his mother again. She believes that he takes heroin every 10 days. Seriously? Heroin? Actually he takes it more than once a day. The only things that keep him away from drugs is lack of money. God bless all of you who are going through this. It's hard to no more recognize someone you love deeply. It's ok to let them go. Please don't blame yourself for showing to them that they can't manipulate you. You all deserve better.
I recently met someone with rehab addiction...I have him three shots.he missed them all. I'm glad I was watching attentively.
What is rehab addiction please?
I just found your video and really needed to hear this after finding out my boyfriend is using crack. He has done all the things you've said in this video to me
Dealing with the same thing myself. Her mom died three and a half years ago and that triggered her relapse after 11 years clean!
I'm just finding out about my boyfriend as well.
It’s so draining!! I just started going to therapy to get help on how to not gaf! I love my family member but it’s to the point that its taking a toll on my mental health I sometimes hate that I care so much. 🥺😩
If you’re interested you can schedule a consultation call with us and potentially take part in our family reconnect program! Go to realrecoverytalk.com to schedule! Thank is for the comment! Would love to help you out if we can :)
I’m hearing you tell the story of my life!
Thank you for your feedback! Sorry so late getting back to you!
My boyfriends sister is an addict and we’re living with her. It’s been hard. Especially when she breaks my stuff and blames it on me just as an excuse to start using again. Playing the victim card. What hurts the most is that my boyfriend believes her lies and tries to protect her, i guess like all big brothers naturally do. This is drifting us apart. My mental health is also being affected big time because confronting her caused only more problems. Her only reaction was anger and i was sobbing trying to make her tell the truth which, as i now understand, was not possible knowing the only thing she thinks about is drugs. Imagine: your stuff gradually, over time is being broken and stolen and when confronted, YOU have to say sorry to the person who did it because they felt attacked. Feel like im the peacemaker who is always trying to understand and help everyone else, but gets hurt and stabbed in the back instead. I feel very alone in this, because the only person i need supprt from right now (my partner, the person i trully love) is being manipulated and cant see the situation as it is, as a result enabling her to use furthermore, harming herself and lying to everyone she once loved. Hope someone else can relate. ❤
Yes this is a tough situation, you should evaluate what is within your control and work on that. Sounds like you all may need some different living arragments?
This is not how anyone should live their lives, these monsters need to stay away from people
Man! I really appreciate your honesty. Finally, some real talk.
Thank you so much I'm going through a very nasty breakup I believe my significant other relapsed because the old behaviors came out of nowhere kind of I saw the signs but I wanted to believe he was still sober
Appreciate your feedback!! Glad it helped :) stay strong 💪
This happened to me recently. Took me a minute to figure it out. It hurts.
The addict called me a coward for talking to his ex girlfriend on Facebook. He’s a coward for not getting sober.
I listened to this and yes everything you said was true except the end where you say "so you can get your loved one clean and sober .Nope ,can't be done it's all in them ,yes learning how to stop enabling only saves you and that is a hard thing to learn .God Bless all the people who love an addict ❤️❤️
Thanks for the comment! glad you enjoyed it :)
This is exactly how I have treated him always. I will help minimally but never with cash. Clean then not. Rinse and repeat. It is very difficult to maintain any sympathy for him as you know they are in a sense actively working against you and trying to manipulate you on top of it. I personally believe he is a covert narcissist. It's sad but I have allowed it by staying. The promises never kept. If you have the option to leave, go. They'll find you if they eventually clean up.
I can't stand myself for allowing my 28 year old daughter's lies or manipulation. Addicts have that manipulation behavior and know how and when, who or which person. She calls me names, doesn't work and probably couldn't hold a job down anyway, and she blames me about things that don't exist or that I know are not true. Yeah, I'm the bad guy! When I put her out, I tell her that I'll always love her but I can't help her but I can support her if she wants the help because I can love her. Later she will return for me to let her use the bathroom or she's hungry, or she'll cry that sad cry of hurt and will tell me that someone's going to beat her up. That is why I fail! I feel bad, permitting the manipulation or is it? I open the door and I'm stuck again! BUT...she's going out again. True what is mentioned in this informative video, they pick a fight or a reason to leave. She does a lot of that, or annoys me. Why are they annoying? Walking around the house too much, slamming doors, they throw dishes around harshly, washes clothes too much, uses up the soap detergents, toilet paper, oh and the mannerisms are gone! I can go on! She admitted to using drugs and has been in rehab twice but always relaps. She talks horrible to me and her dad, to the grandchildren! I'm angry at myself for allowing my life to be unhappy and have no peace! I'm going to start researching material to help myself and for my change. Thank you Tom😊.
Sorry for the late response!! Thank you for sharing this :) let me know if there is anything I can do to help
Thanks again Tom. She has been in jail for about a month now. She has created a lot on herself from warrants and violations and domestic violence and battery charges. She's been on trial and not sure if she is serious about getting help from rehab AGAIN, or not or if the judge will allow her to go again or just do jail time...more time, maybe. She still continues to blame me for the messy life she chooses and she tells me over the phone from those inmate calls she makes to me. I usually have to end the conversation when she starts crossing the road of disrespect, not that I don't care, but I'm also paying for the minutes. So, I don't even know how she can say "whatever," to my I love yous. Ugh! 🙉
My heart goes to all these people ; so many stories of struggling with loving addicts ; for me it was my second husband -so no kids between us fortunately - but I still care for him so deeply -but all this struggle people say is so achingly familiar! My heart really went out to you most because it’s your daughter ( and I have a 29 year old daughter) ( but the crashing and chaos and emotional drama is something I experienced) - it must break your heart . Sending so much love to you today. I hope you find the balance and peace you need ❤
I'm living your scenarios with my ex but he is no longer in my house. Thankfully! Following your manipulating suggestion.
Oh my goodness, the first 4mins have been so spot on
This has been one of the most informative videos I have watched in terms of the mentality of someone in active addiction. Thank you so much.
Glad you liked it! If you have any questions you can email me at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com!!
Wow, I feel as though you have been listening to and watching what is happening between my son and me! He has used all of these tactics, and more. And yes, I fell for each one of them. So now I am aware of what's actually going on. Thank you for this video.
Hey thank you for this! We appreciate that we can help :) If you would like to have a discussion with your situation reach out to us! Tom@realrecoverytalk.com and Ben@realrecoverytalk.com
Omg this is my sister!! Thank you for posting this I'm showing this to my mom to help give her strength.
Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it!
This is my son exactly! Thank you so much for sharing 🙏🙏
Some of these comments kind of upset me. I am an addict, just got out of rehab 2 weeks ago. I understand all the trust we break and turmoil we cause. But my way of thinking has changed, i def did this behavior in my addiction but its different now. I want to make these changes but my ex refuses to give me any time. Ik i caused this but she doesnt want to see the changes she would rather run away from the relationship. She only remembers the bad parts of our relationship. Without my addictions in the way the relationship was really good, if im willing to go through recovery why can we not get back to old times
Wow, only halfway through and this video is really good. Plainly stating many things that I had to learn the hard way. Thanks!
Hey thanks! Appreciate your feedback :)
I do not like the term once an addict always an addict
I dont like that term either. Its self defeating. I have been sober for over 5 years and Im a different person. I can accept that I was an addict, but Im not anymore. Im stronger and smarter after everything Ive learned and healed along the way. I will never go back its impossible in my mind.
Yooo this was crazy I watched this last night and I got to the "this is going to sound crazy but.." part and thought naaaah not my girlfriend 😆 and then today she calls me and says "this is going to sound crazy...." 👀👀👀 and proceeded to say exactly.. exactly what you said she would. Hilarious, good show.
Even paying for their stuff here and there is subsidizing their addictions.
CORRECT! Dont assist in the negative behavior!
Thank you you the only one who doesn't sugar coat it. Doing all the things you mentioned my bf gambles and this is the only way to help him if he don't like it I'm still Holding my ground even if we break up.
Sorry for the late response!! Keep it up!! How are things looking??
Once an Addict is not always an Addict. It is as much as saying once a good person is always a good person. Once a good friend is always a good friend....
I recently cut the cord with my daughters father. I asked to get help or leave and apparently his telling everyone “ I kicked him out” it’s been tough but it was draining having him constantly accuse me of things that weren’t true. Super paranoid about nothing. I hope he finds himself again. I gave up
Thanks for the comment!! Stay strong, things will work out
Im going through this with my son. This makes so much sense. Im scared to kick him out. He is also a diabetic
Wow!!! 😮 this is exactly what they do omg I thought I was crazy cuz no one else sees this! Wow spot on.. thank u for your help I will definitely be more aware and speak up instead of just keeping my head down 😢 no more!
I was lied to, cheated on, it's crazy
Ive left my hubby and this was so the case. I have no desire to continue trying I hope and pray he finds help I tried for 8 years trying on/off 26 years. My daughter as well is stuck in drugs I hope she does what she said a couple of weeks ago she was working on becoming sober. She disowned me last dec and I had to let go because she was horrible. I have her son I needed to be happy and focused on my life. They both needed money so often it was crazy. I'm free hope they become sober. The things my daughter has done since I refused to help her anymore Shes been homeless, gave up 3 kids, multiple jail time and skipping courts, a few weeks ago she said she is going be sober and get her son(I only have 1 of her kids) so hope she will. My hubby on the other end won't even try to be better or say he has been working on himself all while still drinking and smoking dope yes, he was free from Meth I hope he stays that way since I left him 2 months ago. Maybe had I research stuff like this could have helped im just tired and done with ignoring my wants in my life and that is to be as normal as possible free from addicted people. I struggle enough with my own stuff
Hit the nail on the head. Dealing with a friend in this. Thank you.
Thanks for the comment!! If you need direction feel free to send me an email tom@realrecoverytalk.com
This was really good. Thank you for your sharing. I’m new to dealing with an addict.
Get out before you are stuck for decades like some of us.
If you need any assistance email us at info@realrecoverytalk.com
My husband in a nutshell. I've focused on raising our 4 kids and getting myself stable to move is forward.
Imho, the best way to be truly free of the addict's nonsense is to be far away with little to no contact.
My dad relapsed after 9 years I knew he was doing drugs because he changed he kept picking fights with everyone, especially my mom. I confronted him about it and it didn't help he argued with me and didn't admit to it. I tried telling my mom about my suspicion and she brushed it off so they wouldn't have problems. He recently OD in the driveway he literally died and was brought back by paramedics so he had to admit it that he was using for over a year again. I tried getting him to go to rehab but he convinced my mom and sister that he can get himself clean at home. Idk what to do anymore growing up with an addict was a living hell
Laura I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If you would like to chat, just send me an email at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com
I don't know. My dad is a narcissistic dry drunk at the moment. Won't ever stop being a narc. All of the abuse my whole life (even as an adult) has really messed me up. I was a victim of his abuse and there are current wounds still. I don't drink or do drugs. Only was a social drinker. Don't think I'm an addict, but have been to alanon. I almost think denying that some people are victimized is like a whole other type of gaslighting victimization. People are victims. They don't have to stay there and it can be a daily process towards thriving, but you can't skip the step of acknowledging that very bad things happened to them and mourn that tragedy then work to transforming that pain. I'm watching this video because I've dated addict guys that have manipulated me so bad in the past. I was almost conditioned to be manipulated by my father.
Hey there Sara! Thanks for the comment! Keep up the good work!
Very insightful comment
So much Value! Thank you!
My aunt April Kalcsa right here. Except she's a lot more abusive and cruel when she can't get money out of grandma.
sorry you are going through this! Grandma standing her ground and she doesnt like it
Fantastically accurate and useful information and content. Would be great to see a slight change in some language... person struggling with substances rather that "addict" but other than that, great video.
@Element 406 the word addict is stigmatising and really labels a person. Person with an addiction, dependancy disorder, struggling with substances are all better alternatives.
@Element 406 not going to get into a debate over it. You believe what you want.
@@stephritchie9573 the language is intentionally hurtfull. Who wants to be an "addict"? Who does it help to change the language? The addict? Not really... because then its not a bad thing to stay that way
Until I was out of my 26 yrs of marriage, I now focus on myself I didn't see the manipulation or let's play the victim. The blame hurt so much as I felt his alcoholism was my fault, he would say we haven't been intimate, it's your fault... Why would anyone have sex with a person who smells of their drinking... Who wants that, I didn't.
I'm free now and looking after myself, alanon was my lifeline. ❤
Exactly my alcoholic Sister! I have had enough! Made decision to cut her out of my life- 25 years of heartache is enough!!!!!
Hey Lauren sorry you are going through this! Hopefully she will get the help that she needs. If you want to chat you can email me at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com
I had to check the date when he said go put $5 in the gas tank. I think I'm 2019 that would have been more helpful than now!
This is spot on what I experience thanks for this I needed to hear this
Thanks Kelly! Appreciate your comment!
My husband doesn’t pick fights but he does use my fed up-ness to create more excuses to keep using.
This is very common unfortunately. Its def a manipulation tactic
I called the police on my alcoholic 45 yr old daughter after she started punching me because I told her she had to leave. She called several of my very close family members telling them how terribly I was. She ended up moving in with her 7th boyfriend who was an alcoholic and addict, but he supported her. H e finally kicked her out and now she is with another guy. She had manipulated me for years but after me joining ALANON she couldn't manipulate me any more. We haven't spoken in several years. I worry about her and will always love the REAL her.
I'm going through that with my husband with all the lies etc
Hey there! Sorry to hear you are going through this. If you would like you can send me an email to Tom@realrecoverytalk.com and we can connect and discuss your situation! Thanks
I kicked my son out of my home cause I caught him with a needle in my bathroom he left and totalled his truck out and he blames me and I refuse to take the blame for his bad choices in his life anymore... he is still in the hospital with a crused pelvic again my fault took him food and he started a argument with me so I walked out I'm not the one to blame his choices and addiction is to blame not me anymore ..
Sorry to hear you are going through this. If you need anything you can email us at Info@realrecoverytalk.com
You are right!!!! 100%
My wife told me tonight that I've turned into a fat slob because i drink too much. She doesn't know that I now rely on cocaine to feel happy & all of my attempts at quiting have failed. I cant stress how much i dont want to tell her about the coke & can't stress how much i dont want it anymore. I understand why i feel unhappy without it & that i just need time away from it to get back to normal but it's so easy to get it & life just seems grey without it. I cant believe that i am an addict. It can happen to anyone.
I need someone to tell me that i will go back to normal again & how long it took for them to feel happy after stopping.
Hey Michael, I appreciate your comment and let me tell you that there is freedom on the other side of addiction. It is going to take some hard work but I PROMISE you that if you do the work, you will be greatly awarded. Feel free to send me an email at tom@realrecoverytalk.com
I apologized for something I didn’t even do when he blamed his bad behavior on me for a fight that he started !! something he made up in his head and then wouldn’t talk to me about it !
Yup cheated for years and found out and he said it was to do anything but drugs. Idk anymore. Would ask for money a lot too.
My AD said she'd been shot because she owe a dealer $600. She left crazy messages all night telling me the was "running for her life" "please help me" "Mom, I'm gonna die, I love you." I don't know where she is. She doesn't have a car. How, what do I do? I'm a basket case. I think she's in Tampa somewhere. She sent me a picture of herself with some bloody paper towels on her shoulder, and she's got a huge abrasion on her face. I called Tampa police dept. they don't have a case with her name. This is consuming me. What should I do?
I pray you’ve heard from her 🙏🙏 take care of yourself. It’s so hard their master manipulators
@softwhiteunderbelly
Helpful. Great.
Sending healing streams of grace to all
Thanks :)
Hi I know this was a year ago. I was once in a stalking/threatening situation by an addict. I hope you can share something about this whole threatening thing they do.
Get a restraining order. Block them. Dont think about them ever again. Focus on yourself- your life going forward. This worked for me from many different perspectives. Hope this helps
My ex partner never used to blame it on anything.
She was an admitted addict but she just used to go get some stuff out the blue.
Buying alcohol, cannabis which I also smoked, and cocaine which I almost always refused to partake in cos it wasn't my drug of choice I love weed.
She wasn't crazy into the drugs cos of having 2 children but I used to see her and the children during the day and she would be half hammered on vodka taking the dog out for a walk then drive us all back to her place under the influence hitting car mirrors whilst turning round in the road and I just had to sit there in the car and say nothing or she'd kick off. Being out of the relationship now I knew I was abused but whilst in it it's so hard to see.
Life is crazy and we all go through mad things.
Do a lot of alcoholics cheat? I know a couple & one of them became an alcoholic when they started cheating. It seemed like the stress from hiding their actions & cheating, drove them to drink 24/7 because of the guilt. Drinking allowed them to not feel anything or care about the damage they were causing themselves & family. Is this common & what do you do if this happens in your marriage?
@@StuThompson-oq5vl all alcoholics don’t cheat alcohol in general causes disinhibition and lack of thought about consequences and anyone that drinks enough alcohol whether they are an alcoholic or not is at risk of making bad decisions in their life. If you encounter the mix of cheating and alcohol it’s time to set healthy boundaries for yourself and your loved one.
Although my husband does not take the blame but blame me for his addiction, his newest manipulation is he says that Marujuana is not a drug and his zombie like personality is not affecting our marriage or raising the kids and that I am the horrible person with lots of flaws that he accepts and I am the reason for all the problems I our marriage. I'm about to leave him again and I'm struggling with guilt, and I k ow it's best for my kids because my husband is so stoned all the time he literally only does things for himself he is out doing his preferred hobbies comes home stoned then smokes more and lands in front of the TV, tells me a woman has no brains and should just cook clean and take care of kids and give him sex when he wants it and that I must just keep quiet and be humble because he is not bad guy and he is not an alcoholic so I should accept him or leave. Yup he literally tell me ugly things then if I leave like I have so many times then he makes me feel bad for breaking up the family so I go back to him just to do this all over and over. So he acts like a alcoholic but with Marujuana, is Marujuana a problem or am I just a bad person?
I dont think you are a bad person at all. I would recommend seeing a counselor or building a support group that you can reach out to. If you have any questions you can email me at Tom@realrecoverytalk.com!!
No, you're not a bad person. I left the guy I was with & in love with, 8 years because he wouldn't quit pot. Before living with his addiction I would have laughed at anyone suggesting that Marijuana was an addictive drug that was bad to do. Just because alcohol is worse doesn't make Marijuana good. The lesser of evil is still evil. A marriage should be equal partnership. When you get away from him you'll be making a space for a good man who will treat you right to enter the picture. And you're leaving might be the wake up call he needs to get clean & BE that man, but maybe not. You deserve better. You'll be happier single & putting energy into being the best mom ever than you are now. Sometimes it's not until the weight is off & that person out of our life before we can realize how HEAVY it was. Verbal abuse is abuse also. I'd reach out to shelters and resources for abused women like safehome.
yes husband does did it to me....he was soo good at it even the rehab belived him....now second one said they wont believing him i get crazy request???
Yes very narcissistic behavior in a lot of cases
Thanks for the comment!
This is why I broke up with my codependent alcoholic girlfriend. Manipulative and lies all the time. On and off for 2 years and I fell for it.
sorry to hear this, hopefully she gets the help that she needs
Are all addicts narcissist?
I would not say so! It can seem that way from a loved ones perspective but not normally!
They are not narcisists but they can be very narcissistic. There is a difference but it seems like they are because the disease of narcissism is that the person is totally self absorbed. A narc cares about nothing and no one if it's not about them. It's the same as an addictive only caring about their fix
Some narcissists are addicts. Not all addicts are narcissists.
There are addicts that are actually good people who just have a really big problem.
However, when in active addiction addicts/alcoholics DO often behave in ways that are very, very similar to the behaviour of a narc.
It may not be until the person commits to and maintains sobriety for a period of time that you'll actually be able to see for sure if it was just addiction or if it was actually narcissism plus addiction.
That's an awful lot of time you are committing to somebody elses maybes.
I like the advice above in the feed from Ash Ley. 👆
Stay committed to your own lane. Move forward. Regardless.
I'm dealing with my son's addiction ,he manipulates, splitting, darvo games all the time.
I thought my hubby quit drinking almost 5 yrs ago, but I’ve had Suspicions since than and I was right I confronted him once in that time and boy did he turn it on me ! Today I find a hidden garbage bag full of empty beer/ liquor bottles! Iam so disappointed n upset. Iam not sure what to do or say about it again knowing he will start an argument and blame me again . He’s been a functioning alcoholic for the past 35 years he never misses work he controls it well but I just can’t handle alcohol in around or near my life anymore how should I go about this
We actually have podcast next week will be very helpful to watch. We use the acronym BRAVE to address Addiction Manipulation: 1. Be aware- know manipulation tactics- guilt-tripping, denial, lying, victimization, etc so you can identify when these are being used. 2. Reinforce boundaries - establish and communicate clear but firm boundaries regarding acceptable behavior and uphold them 3. Act Calmly- remain calm and "detached" respond calmly without emotional engagement. being calm helps to focus only on the facts as emotional engagement sometimes will enable their power to continue manipulating you 4. Voice the need for professional - It is crucial to encourage them to seek professional help -AA, therapy, etc while at the same time showing you are supporting them Help 5. Engage in support networks- specifically for yourself as it can be emotionally draining-- Al anon, Nar-Anon, therapy as you do not control their behavior or their outcome and you have to accept that in order to help your loved one you have to help yourself and be okay with the outcome whether it is what you want or not
My child, manipulates me constantly. I worked out a year ago I gave her $17;000+ and she has nothing now. I’m the biggest cunt in the world. I gave her everything, she was raised in a house where she had her own room, beautiful room, double bed, posters on the wall... friends over, mum the parent canteen lady, I did it all. Took my babies to the UK, Singapore, Queensland..... I did everything for my daughter, she took my credit card for hundreds. She doesn’t talk to me now, I’m irrelevant.
That was me!!
I can't live safely in my own home. I need my medicine and I am not an addict but I don't get to take it because my daughter steals it from me. I bought a $126 safe and she still got into it! My counselor suggested it! There is nothing she can't get in to! I can't wait until she leaves. She's 24 and a pain in my ass! She ironically works for David Lawrence Center in Naples Florida where they Baker Act kids who are having trouble at home with drug abuse and alcoholism.
What can I do?
My family needs help
Accountability
I don't know what to do with my friend and her manipulation. It's so frustrating
Hey there you can email us at info@realrecoverytalk.com and maybe we can help!
How to get over the lies he told? How to rebuild trust? I feel like I wasn't enough for him not to relaspe. After 8 yrs He was 6 mos sober then one day my world shattered. I know he loves me and our childern but I don't know if I can believe what he says.
Adrie, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Trust me when I tell you, you are seeing the addict. NOT the person that you love. It is true that you cannot believe what he is tell you (most of the time) but there will be a time that your relationship will mend, so as long as you and him do the work that is involved. Feel free to email me at tom@realrecoverytalk.com and we can chat about your situation thanks!
I definitely need help with this.
Using "always" and "never" REALLY undermines your message and attempt to illuminate manipulation. This confuses those who have a master manipulator as "their" addict- because some of them KNOW what they are doing by taking pseudo-responsibility.
Thanks for the comment! I see your point!
o yes we did the going away .......right out of regab and demanded cash from me he was buying alchol.....i had horrible time.
The girl I was in a relationship with doesn't want help for her drug addiction
Ex fiance was constantly on lsd. He said it was non addictive, yet he refused to work on his issues, eventually breaking up with me. I'm pretty confused as he really is pushing people away. I don't know much about LSD but he had a long history with heroin. Just sounds like he was switching the poison...
Sounds like trading one for another! I hope he can find recovery in the future
OMG exactly 💯!!!!