I know this a bit old but I have a question about some of these vids about gaslighting a termn I just now learned. What if this is what is being but the person doing it does not realize they are , all the examples are as close as can be , but the person doing this I don't or I won't believe would purposely do this . Considering it's my daughter and on the other hand I'll be accussed of doing this to her when I don't think I was at all but could have been perceived that way . Im tired of trying to mend what was once a better relationship , even the boundarys have been twisted cuz I walked away .
Julia Kristina Counselling Those are all great ideas. Maybe you could give some suggestions on how to say no to someone you live with. If someone knows your schedule intimately you can’t really use the schedule or not enough time scenario. In my case it’s my mother. She is very passive\aggressive. She tends to gaslight etc.I live with her and I am not in a position to move out. She is 81. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated 🙏
yep they always flip it and project it on to you, and the most unbelieveable thing is how nearly everyone will believe them. It's like the movie Fallen, and legion
That's right, it's a mindwarp because us people who fell for gaslighting have internalized other people are right and we are wrong. At least in my case it was like this. What I learned from my episode with my gaslighter is that whatever I think, it's what goes. If I'm wrong I will reevaluate myself, but I don't let others gauge for me what's right and what's wrong. I hope you recovered Amanda and left all this behind.
You love being gaslighted. Im sure if you were with a guy that treated you nice and actually loved you, it would be a sign of weakness to you and an automatic turnoff. So i guess back to the great gaighting badboy for you....
Or rather... They 'claim" they're being gaslit. Since it's not like they can be trusted not to be manipulating on that front, as well. 🙄 Its stomach turning and very aggravating.
I've been gaslighted since I was practically a toddler. I was aware of it but didn't know what it was called or what to do. I spent the last couple years getting people who do that out of my life. Thanks for this
The more you take a stand the more they up their gaslighting. Don’t be stuck in the trap that you can “solve this”. Walk away! Is good advice. Respect yourself enough. Gaslighting can really erode your sense of self.
My whole family is like that and I recently had to walk away from someone I called a friend. Best thing I ever did. And I walked away from my family years ago because they opened the door for me to go.
Yeah I’ve found myself questioning everything I do,see and hear .... idk how to get away from this narcissist ,it’s really disturbing how much I’ve allowed this person to make me second guess my very existence. It’s Embarrassing
Trusting yourself and listening to our body and allowing ourselves to come first and do what feels safe for us is crucial to start healing. Thank you so much.
My mother is a master gaslighter. I figured it out decades ago and let her know I was having no more of it. However, my brother never got free, never was able to move out on his own and be independent. Big issues are now arising in his awareness of his situation. I'm sending your links to him. Thanks!
@@natashamuchena8610 it's not that hard. You are staying in the relationship because you want something from that person. You have to stop wanting it and you are free. Do you want attention, validation, acceptance, understanding, resources?
I used to start writing things down, straight after the incident.. then I could refer back to those notes so I can feel confident and sure in how I felt at the time.. its awful : /
I am currently in a relationship where I was questioning what form of manipulation was he using towards me, and I have found it! This is exactly how I am feeling.. every morning that I wake up I ask myself “what is my purpose for today” “how can I better myself for him” “who am I really” I am always torn between my thoughts because he has made me insecure about my boundaries, and decisions.. people like this hate boundaries the moment I say “I’m not putting up with that” he turns with a mock of me saying that or a mock of me reacting to it.. I have told him I feel like “dirt” the way he puts me down and he makes me question my mental stability a lot.. I have also learned that the minute you mention somewhere they are wrong.. they make you feel you are crazy or that they never said that and they make you feel like now you can’t trust yourself, and I honestly just feel like complete shit at that moment 🙁 I really need help healing myself.
I remained firm and made it clear to her that i know what was said, even quoting her, and that she's changing her story in order to justify herself and avoid taking accountability or responsibility for her actions. However, the fact that i call her out doesn't change anything, as her response is either silence or changing the subject or being obstinate.
I know this life. You can't help someone who doesn't want help; the silence/changing the subject thing is maddening as well as further abuse. Sounds like we have a lot in common; BPD?
That happens to me all of the time with my husband! We are separated for the 3rd time! I have known things weren’t right from the day we got married! I’m filing for divorce!
Well, that's a tough one, and I don't think my tactic against gaslighting does not sounds pleasant but nasty at the very least... If you are aware of being controlled or cornered, then act like you are out of their control, or make them taste their own medicine by turning the table (by speaking like a lawyer) against their theories (e.g. If they claimed that you are crazy, then you could either say "yeah, you too!" or "Yeah, that's all because you are making me crazy!") because one of the things they are trying to do is to manipulate you by blame shifting. (Think like playing squash against your opponent, and always be prepared to defend yourselves like a defending lawyer.) If they try to throw their first punch or even kill you because of that, then call the police and don't be afraid to throw them into jail for dear life, perhaps a legitimate, self-defensive way to cut ties in their relationships and survive. The gaslighters are controlling but impatient witches, not even bitches. My mom is a gaslighter, unfortunately.
I found the Gray Rock method to work really well against family. The moment you are told you are being "really boring" or that "you used to be fun" or that "you are not feeling enough" means that it's working. You can fully disconnect from family, but Gray Rock makes you feel a lot more sane when having no other choice but to be with them.
"It’s important to find a supportive friend cause I have been gaslighted by people who I was asking about the gas lighter" It's pretty common for that to happen. You start to realize why certain types of people cluster together. In case you haven't heard of "flying monkees" that's the term commonly to describe those other parties who reinforce the toxic gaslighting dynamic. It's triangulated gaslighting - kind of like the difference between bacteria and viruses.
I've just STOPPED a gaslighting conversation for the VERY 1ST TIME in 18 years of being manipulated by a flatmate ! Whoa, I've only just found out what it's all about and I'm losing my mind at times ! Phew, Much Gratitude Julia
The music of bob marley speaks to this subject in quite vivid detail if you listen carefully. The thrust of his message essentially is how africans had been gaslit and how to deal with it spiritually and materially. I highly recommend it as a source of strength and inspiration for those facing these issues.
I just want to say thank you for posting this series on gaslighting. It’s most definitely an awakening moment for me. I appreciate and love this videos. Thank you again Julia.
Writing down resonates with me. I find it is also useful to go back and remember the facts as emotions in the 'moment' impact my memory days or weeks later. Also, taking a stand. For me this is most important as I feel like I have voice when someone is trying to silence or change my 'voice'.
Grew up in a physically , emotionally and mentally abusive household. I was gaslit like no other. They were never satisfied until I caved in and agreed that it was always my fault. I would try to walk away and my mother wouldn’t let me do I would try to move her then she would blow it up to my dad saying I punched her.. crazy. Finally out of the house, getting my own place and starting to reconnect with myself again. Thank you. I’m done feeling insane and small!!!
😂 One of the BEST moments is when you get this big, obnoxious text and you reply "not taking the bait. Hope your day gets better. Turning the phone off now." I'm telling you... it's satisfying. Like pulling painter's tape off and finding no bleed. Here's the truth in that scene - whether you bite and get into a 5 hour long battle or turn your phone off, raise a finger and move on in your day - the end of your day is going to have the same outcome with this person. Once in a while you may even have a decent outcome. They get tired too. They tire out faster if you let them corkscrew alone. So, keep your peace if you have an out. Try to remember that this person is UNWELL. Nobody in their right mind behaves this way. It's hard to be angry with someone that is sick. 💙 Keeps you sane with that perspective too.
Talking to a supportive friend is very important in these situations.....one who will believe you and tell you the other person is wrong so you can get your power back.....been bullied and gaslighted all my life and am currently most likely getting gas lighted by my boss at work....people are cruel
#4 Take a Stand. I had already confronted the gaslighter before finding your channel and what you stated was in line with how I handled it. Even to my final gesture with my hand to let her know I was done and she was dismissed as I walked away. I took back my power. Was it effective? Absolutely!
These days, I voice record everything because if I question what was really said, I can always replay it. Also, at times when gas-lighting was happening, I could go back to those moments and pin point exact words and manipulation behind it.
I'm starting to do the same thing. My ability to "remember things correctly" was recently questioned, so I decided to record all our conversations on my phone out of self defense. I've been living in a gaslighting relationship for 12 years without knowing it (I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what to call it) Finding out about gaslighting and it's different forms is leading me out of the fog I've been living in for many years, thankfully!
endlessummer -I find myself starting to do that sometimes too .... I’m tired of being told that something wasn’t said when it clearly was, I’m tired of questioning my sanity
I started recording things too!! Because when they lie or find outrageous excuses to their behaviours my mind goes blank and I can't think. I don't know what to believe anymore. Recording helps to remember.
I have been doing the exact same thing and every time I go in on a dog walk because people are crazy and they try to make it seem like they’re the victim even my manager where I live I rent here he does not want to be recorded he always asked me when my phone is in my hand are you recording and I always tell him yes I am and it pisses him off that I’m recording he always tells me to turn the recorder off I do not have his permission I told him I spoke to an attorney and they told me as long as I’m on public property I can record I’m doing it for my own safety I was told that in my own Apt. if I have cameras recording and people come over I legally have to notify them and tell them they are being recorded as well as the telephone, however if I’m outdoors walking around I could have my phone recording in my hand and that is perfectly legal and I suggest everybody does it
I knew I'd like you the moment you said 'deal with crap' in the opening speech. I am learning boundaries now, and am dealing with gaslighting at work. I started calling my boss out on it before I even realized. Thank you for this video. It validates my feelings, and for the first time in my life I actually stood up for myself, and I feel proud for standing strong. This video also validates that I am doing the right thing. Thank you kindly ❤
My mom had made this her new habit over the years. Sucks because we love each other a lot, and we're super close. I told her shes been doing this to me for years and she said "well you should be used to it by now then!" 🙃 So she acknowledges it, and says I'm weird for not being okay with it by now. This is really hurting me, I never pictured her being like this. She wasnt always like this......
I was talking to a guy that tried to make me doubt my memories. I told him to get out of my car right now. At the time i didn't know he was manipulative but i have great confidence in my memory.
Julia- A lot of what you have talked about in the two previous videos, of this series, has resonated with me, in regards to my relationship with my husband. We have had a lot of moments that have left me conflicted, confused and incapable of determining if this has become something abusive that will not change. We most recently had an incident where my husband threw a pillow across the room because I wouldn’t be intimate with him. This came as a shock, as I was falling asleep, and we hadn’t gotten into an argument, nor was there anything that had happened as a precursor to this. He has done this once before, and afterwards he either won’t speak to me or he will yell and call me a bitch. This most recent time, I asked him to leave because he was slamming doors, and I did not want my three year old to hear and get upset. She has been witness to some of our arguments lately and gotten very upset, which I can’t stand to see. He refused to leave and told me to get the fuck away and to zip it. The next morning he comes to me as if nothing had happened, smiling and attempting to hug and kiss me. When I tell him that this behavior is not normal and I won’t stand for it, at first he responds that he could be much worse, he could be the type that parties or cheats, and I won’t find a guy out there that won’t get upset over sex. I stand my ground, and later that day we have a conversation. He admits to being manipulative and that is was wrong, but something didn’t seem genuine. I have been distant since, and at first he was being so attentive and nice, but now he has resorted to ignoring me and shutting me out. I am in a place now that, after 6 years going through similar, cyclical situations with him, that this is probably not going to change. Any thoughts/guidance? Thanks!
One of the dangerous things about gaslighting is that it can lead to a victim to commit suicide. When parents put all of their energy into belittling their kids - with contempt, those kids grow up hating themselves. Nobody talks about this. Would someone please discuss this?
God bless your heart!! I really needed to hear that I'm not being crazy. I've been gaslighted by my sister for my whole life. It's time to take my power.
I've just found you & I'm so very thankful. The last therapist I went to, after being kidnapped & attempted murdered, gaslighted me bad, only I didn't know what it was. I just knew it wasn't right, but I wasn't right at the time. Since then, I refuse to go to another. You are a breathe of fresh air.
I have found that sadly, I am married to someone that went to counseling that reinforced being horrible to me with gaslighting, narcissistic abuse tactics, to the point where I have been having to slowly get my footing back by doing things quietly under the table so I can get my feet back under me.
That's it! I am crying inside! I thank God for you, Julia, and your videos! I finally know what has happened to me. Please continue to create contents like these. You never know whose lives you might be changing. I rarely comment on TH-cam videos but I just can't help it, Julia, these are all mind-opening. Keep it up. You inspire me to continue my dream of becoming a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. Thank you. Thank you. ❤️
Oh...What a difference your videos have made in my life --Joyful and entertaining, information delivered in clear easy-to-grasp practical terms...depth of insight is totally astounding! I appreciate your remarkable efforts and all the time you put into your presentations. Deeply Grateful!!!
This too , I also couldn’t find deep specific examples and experiences that other people had to be sure of myself. When I saw some of your videos it helped me gain my reassurance and understand what’s going on a bit more. I appreciate it Julia ! Keep doing what you’re doing.
I've had this happen numerous times, particularly on first dates, because people have seen me as an easy target. I was called crazy and a drug addict by one woman who I now know was projecting all of her own issues onto me. I was a "drug addict" because I didn't (and couldn't) finish my meal, which I had only ordered to be polite, and she knew full well that I had already eaten dinner (at 5 PM, while the date was meant to be a casual late-night snack kind of deal at 9 PM). I didn't particularly like another, who spent the entire date interrogating me, then acted upset at the end, saying I never attempted to get to know her or ask her questions, when I in fact did make a point to get her talking, despite the fact that each time I asked her something she acted annoyed by the question. Though in my usual manner I was polite and treated her cordially as with any date, it was clear to her that I wasn't wild about her, and so it became MY problem and I was called weak and spineless. So now I usually brush off the first insinuation that I'm doing something abnormal, but if it happens repeatedly, I make it clear that I won't tolerate the gaslighting.... but in the heat of the moment, I find it more effective to just tell them that I don't allow anyone to "piss down my back and tell me it's raining", as the old saying goes.
Thank you, I'm in process of getting out of relationship with covert narc. He's finally got himself his new flat and moves out in 5 weeks. But now, as I thought would happen, he started the arguing again. He caught me off guard this morning, started going on about how badly I had treated him, how he had handled things so much better than I had bringing up things from the past that were twisted to make him the victim. I initially got caught up, but then, as i observed him, I just said 'wow' , he said 'yeah wow, I've been thinking about this stuff'. Me 'yeah you really gave haven't you' in an incredulous way. Then I said 'I'm not doing this, I didn't want this row ' he said he didnt want it either. As I walked away, I said 'yes you did, you enjoy all this, I see that smirk on your face. I know what you're doing' and walked away. I have blanked him completely if I have to be in the same space, I'm just not looking at or talking to him. I thought I'd done the 'wrong' thing. I remained calm when I delivered my exit lines, while he may have made me feel awful, I certainly didn't react overly, I kept myself controlled. But still, I thought the exit lines may have given away my power. Then I listened to this and felt so much better. At the end of your vid, you've given the exit lines almost word for word, as the ones I delivered earlier. I hope I can stay strong. I may be shaking inside and consumed with wanting to defend myself, but the voice inside that used to be so quiet is louder now. I can hear it even as I'm reacting and can pull myself back. For me this is progress. I'm glad now that I used those lines as I exited the interaction. He now knows for sure that i see what he is and what he's doing. That may change things a little. This is the first time I've told him I see him as what he really is. It could backfire, but I didn't think about it at the time, I was simply fed up of watching him enjoy my misery. I guess I should take that as a sign that I'm developing a better sense of self and better boundaries?
These comments have me in tears, in remorse I feel this sense of validation. I feel like I’m finally not alone in this, it’s not just me who is confused of my own reality, it’s not just me worrying of younger siblings due to gaslighting of parents, I’m not alone. I tried telling myself that but I really thought I was. I have a lot to heal. My mother is a MASTER manipulator, she has manipulated her boyfriends, police, social workers, therapists.. I am so scared for my younger brother but I know I will do my best to allow him to feel validated and give him the tools he needs to break free. I am so scared for him. These 16 years of my life have been terrible, I wish my mom could just realise what she’s doing, no matter how much evidence She’s always the victim, I’m a monster for suggesting that she does things wrong. Im a monster for calling things as they are, such as not telling a 2 year old to shut up crying, validating herself in the same things she makes me feel guilty for, leaving me with worn and torn clothes and shoes and making me feel I was ungrateful, telling me she buys me loads of things when the last thing she bought me was years ago.. all these excuses, all these years of telling me I was a monster when she was just projecting herself onto me. Gaslighting me for being upset over her lack of sympathy when I was going to COURT as a 12 year old who had been abused. I’m finally realising how disgusting of a mother I have, she portrays this lovely life to others like she’s this perfect woman and it’s so frustrating when I try to explain what she does and she puts on her nice voice nice face nice attitude and makes out like I’m crazy. There is so much anger built up inside of me, and it’s all her fault. I don’t know how to forgive her. She is disgusting.
Mine is work related. I became so broken at work & Im angry because this has happened to me. Im going to need a lot of work done to heal. Im in touch my the director of the company to fight back. Im back at work today for the first time since becoming ill. I have anxiety but Im also ready to fight back
Absolutely phenomenal video. Thank you for creating this Julia. 4 months ago my son was losing his apartment due to a girl he met. He got kicked out of his house due to her alcoholism. I drove up there to help him move. The girl sat in the car didn't lift a finger but she did get drunk and blacked out. She asked me unusual questions if I'm close with my son and if I miss him? 3 days later I don't know what she said to my son. But my son had me kicked out of his new place. I was devastated and I'm still devastated. And now 4 months later this person is asking for an apology from me and she's saying if she comes to Socal and visit she's taking separate cars which is shaming me and gaslighting me and I can't take it anymore. It's causing me to be really detached and I'm walking in the fog. I'm trying to work through this it's not easy.
Wow, such great info. I've been "figuring things out" on my own over the years, but this video has really confirmed for me that I did the right thing by walking away (for the sake of my own sanity/quality of life). It's like that feeling when you're fumbling around in the dark and stumble on the light switch- let there be light. Thank you.
Number 3. Not worth being in the fake friendship anymore.Had a so called friend that would use spiritual/new age BS to disregard my feelings and never apologise or take accountability for her actions. Instead it would be projected back at me as if i wasn't conscious or spiritual enough because SHE didnt think anything was wrong. I would ask for mutual respect, she would divert this to being needy. Yet im the one who stopped talking to her for a year or so???!!! She recently tried to come back, but same old shit. finally im done, i could finally write my last message to her and express myself without fear of being judged because i dont care anymore. Thank you and thank you subg88 for the Bob Marley ref love the "who the cap fits" song but didnt fully pay attention to the lyrics till now!!!
It is a terrible injustice for a victim who becomes aware of this abuse, but cannot leave or terminate the relationship with the unhealthy person. I was so blessed to be thousands of miles away from my very toxic family having only my spouse, church, and children as negative influencers while my heart and soul began the long process of healing. The toxic spouse and church are no longer a part of my life. My children were young enough to learn healthy living. They are well-balanced, successful adults now.
Once you catch on to being gas lighted you take back control. When it happens to me now even in public i will raise my voice...not yell...and tell them what a loser they are for even attempting to gas light me. Shuts them up and they stay away. :) KInd of a self righteous anger....yeah :)
It's exhausting for me..My man plays on my insecurities and exploits them..he knows my ex was a serial cheater so he is over friendly with my female friends. .to the point I point it out when she leaves and I'm accused of being jealous and crazy..I'm so tired OMG 😢😭😭😭
My sister has gaslighted me for years though I always remained firm in knowing what I heard and never second guessed myself - i began to question her mental health. I believe she is narcissist. However - I don’t have self doubt, I do have immense resentment and rage towards her for doing this to me for decades. When she does gaslighting, it makes my blood boil and it takes me several days to calm down.
I certainly glorify God for this particular video, it really hit home. I am being done this way on my job, and it is very traumatizing, but because I have a better understanding of what's going on, I now know how to handle it better! Yes, this video is right on target, and may God continue to bless your life for videoing this! This is much needed.
I just ended a whirlwind 9 week relationship. I have been studying narcissism for a while because I am recovering from it (covert) and also seem to attract them. Imbalanced people attract imbalanced people right? I need to watch that. Anyhow, I am SO MUCH BETTER than I used to be and I quickly told him that certain behaviors of his were not working for me. I am definitely guilty of allowing things to move way too quickly, though I think he quickly realized that I was not that easy to manipulate, and so he is already out of my life. Amazing! Hooray for boundaries and self-trust!
is there any way to make this person realise what they do is wrong? the more i try the crazier i look. its happening within my family and i cant stand to see the ones i love behave in such a toxic way. really hurts me honestly.
I just found your channel... what I appreciate that is different about your channel is that you dont just throw information out there, you give solutions along with it... its helpful to know the signs of being gaslighted and manipulated, but its not really going to help someone who is currently being gaslighted; what will help are ideas on how to protect themselves. So thank you for sharing this❤🙏 very helpful for me!
After not talking to my ex for nearly 7 years he recently contacted me. He was really abusive while we were together. Not even a week in he started gas lighting me. Thankfully i recognized it right away. I just started my masters in psychology program. It takes allot of work to get back to trusting oneself.
Patricia Leonard Yes, it is a journey of ups and downs, but so worth it. I hope you are doing well. I hope the ex hasn't wiggled his way back in. Take care of YOU.
Here's one. If I share anything I am re-considering, I hear 'Don't YOU THINK that's a SIGN?' Didn't you figure this out? Then follows a direct point-by-point directive of what I SHOULD do. In the end, all my thoughts or plans are faulty and I should make choices EXACTLY like they do, follow them. Never again. Done. I'm changing their name in my phone to 'Gaslighter Warning'! Then It's RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE, the second they call up.
I believe I've been gaslit almost all my adolescent and adult life, but the worst of it came recently from the father of my child. He still wants to be in our son's life, and he does take good care of him. But I'm really unsure on what to do from here. I broke up with him because I finally had enough. I stood up for myself and walked away, but since we have a child together that we both want to take care of, that complicates things. I really don't know how to deal with this.
What if Gaslighting is a cry for help from someone who is to afraid to ask? 'Cause I was getting really angry at my narc boss. He keeps telling me "are you sick, you need to take better care of yourself." He gets mad when I don't do things his way. Then when I listen to everything he says stuff goes wrong and he blames me. I feel set up, and its really draining. Plus he says a lot of other mean sly things, then blames me for being passive aggressive. So I decided enough was enough and I was going to tell him "hes sick, confused, forgetful, and I've got better ways of doing things." Then I realized, OMG. What if they are the really hurting and afraid to be left behind? I don't know. For sure though he disagrees with everything I say. So today I told him "I'm gonna finish that important project today." And he gave me the day off like I actually wanted.
I'm so thankful that you made the series. You just explained what has been happening to me for years. Now I can have tools to implement to keep this from happening to me again. Thank you so much I never heard of this term before but it explains everything I've been trying to resolve in my life.
Writing it down is the best way to begin to get out of this. Did it years ago with my ex. I got remarried and kept a journal of our discussions because he was a much better person, but tried to manipulate here and there. As soon as I found this out, I kept my diary and used it as needed. This is what was said, this is what you said and this is what we agreed on. Any questions? He had no tool left when he found out I was doing this. He then realized what he was doing was not going to work and was much more agreeable and honest.
My gas lighter is my mom and it is getting worse and worse day by day it's at an all new extreme and I don't know why. I tell her all the time that I see what she's doing, but she just explodes with anger. Thank God I can see her for what she is.
My older sister has classic NPD & she has used smear campaigns, gaslighting, control-tactics, all the usual things for years. What I'll never understand is how my family could stand by & watch this, or even join in. How will I ever trust anyone again?
Mine do as well. Every interaction is about making ME the problem and telling me that what I am trying to confront them about about never happened and I just need to focus on the positives and sweep everything else under the rug. I no longer have any contact with them sadly, but it's the only way I can stay sane.
Never had this happen to me until I worked for a boss who started gaslighting me and making me look bad infront of others at work by minimizing what I said, interrupting me, accusing me of doing or saying things that were absolutely false. All this started after I stopped relations with him. Being treated like this incessantly and not being able to defend myself, I started breaking down until I was a shell of who I was. As I broke down and minimized myself to protect myself and worked 12 hour days, he removed all support from me, talked about how incapable I was to others, pitted coworkers against me, I bane Incapable of deciding because I was constantly questioning myself. If anyone is reading this and is in this situation please leave now. It happened for 6 years until I mentally and physically broke down and it has been a year of therapy and more trying to heal myself and build back my self esteem which I had before this situation. If I left as soon as I saw the warning signs and understood what gaslighting was I would be in a better place mentally, socially, physically and definitely financially. Know your worth , trust your gut and do not let anyone take your power. Much love and support to anyone struggling in any capacity with a gaslighter.
It's in everything. Sound, Sight, Vibes, Texture, Aromas and Temperature spiritual gaslighting is the worst. Especially when the whole community is involved and you have proof by pin pointing it.
This is great advice, Thank you Julia. You are saving my life. Healthy boundaries and all the tips from this video. We must stop the epidemics of gaslighting! God bless you!
My dad loves to control others. He likes to gang up on 1 family member. Every time I leave his house after a visit I have a knot in my stomach. I feel like I’m the most evil, vile person who ever was. No matter what I give him or do for him it’s wrong. Reminds me of British trying to appease Hitler. Thank you for this as now I see that if he can’t control me he will try to destroy me. This conflicts w my belief that I should honor my father. He makes it impossible. I know if I can just be gracious & not try to defend myself when he accuses me of stealing or whatever that God will see that I am following God’s order & He will defend me. Am working on being quite. And I don’t go there alone anymore when I have to go there.
I am currently being held emotionally hostage by my gas lighting alcoholic /Xanax addicted mother. She has lied tothe police about me and gotten me put on probation over a complete lie. Ive been abused my whole life by her, my grandfather and then when I was in active addiction getting sexually assaulted in prison. Now I am stuck in her house at the age of 40. Due to my criminal record I can´t find a job and I feel so so stuck and im crying right now. I am new to the term but my mother has been doing this to me my whole life. She threatens me with jail everyday. I have been sober , meditating and excersisng for almost two years. i feel so stuck. I admitted my faults and the way I acted when I was in active addiction but that hasn´t been me in some time now. Thank you for the information. If you go to my channel and look at my playlist there´s one called A- Wellrose Hummingbird Playlist . On there is a song I wrote about my mother called ¨Womb¨ . She terrifies me.
I mirrored the way he gaslighted me and he played the victim. When he started blaming me I was like, "No, this is your doing, it's not my fault. I'm innocent here, I'm just calling you out." And he proceeded to abuse me physically because I told the truth. I didn't even know I was being gaslighted (didn't know there was such thing) all I knew that he was wrong and he should know that he was wrong. Some of his gaslights actually got me but most of the time it didn't. So dear my past self, you did good. Thanks for surviving it so that now I can enjoy this peaceful life.
I recently watched the original movie Gaslight (source of the term) and the Gaslighter was intentionally trying to make his wife feel crazy in order to steal her family fortune (financial motive). That seems very different from the scenarios discussed here, where it's more about ego and narcissism. It's so different that it seems like there should be a different term.
Well, my line manager does it to myself and my colleagues to steal the credit for our efforts, lower our confidence and drive down grades at appraisals. This leaves more chance of a high grade and extra pay for himself, as the performance related pay is from a very limited pot, so we are all in competition. My last appraisal saw my net pay drop (after tax and NI increases), after some shocking lies, unfair criticism and gaslighting. So, it could be said that is "stealing" too.
Awesome - glad it connected with you! I'm not an expert in English grammar, but did look it up and actually, it is interchangeable - both gaslit and gaslighted are proper forms of the past tense.
Sounds brilliant but what does a person do when the narcissist is Catholic and seemingly uses his religion to look innocent and plays no role or takes any part in admitting any fault or responsibility? I've read somewhere that a narcissist who hides behind his religion is the most lethal kind of narcissist would you say this is true?
I have a similar situation when a narcissist is hinding behind his spiritual beliefs (astrology, kabala etc.) playing naive. It is truly lethal... Run..
thanks for your videos Julia! They are super helpful and I love them! The strategy that resonates with me is calling them on it when it's happening... I did this a few days ago, and it's empowering, and I didn't back down from my truth. I seen in the moment what they are doing... instead of not acknowledging it rather than thinking back later and being mad for not saying something at that time. Yay! Small win for my soul : ))
Thanks for clear explanations. I've been stuck in it, due my father attitude towards me....most of my life. Then my children became bullies to me, copying these tricks...
If you have someone like this in your life you'll see they sort of always throw little hooks at you regularly. Like throwing you these little traps of drama that you can mentally fall into. Like you are a fish swimming around, and they regularly throw hooks with baits at you, and you result in having some kind of negative emotion like guilt, pity, or other drama. So you have to be vigilant and recognize when they throw you the hooks and avoid falling into that manipulation trap each time. You have to be really awake, alert, vigilant and be firm when you're dealing with this kind of person and never forget who they truly are no matter how nice they maybe acting at the moment. Never forget who they are and stay on your course. Your course must be always to get them out of your life and if you can't(maybe they're family etc) it should be keeping safe distance. And never let that decision change or falter because you think they've changed or they're being nice now or whatever. Set it and stick with it for the rest of your life until you die.
Depends on the type of manager and their personality. This has happened to me and I went to the manager. The abuser also went to her and told her version of reality that I abused HER, and the manager was so 'nice' and I think a little afraid of the gaslighter, as she was a huge bully and the manager was a bit too nice and hadn't embraced her own authority which allowed this other woman to run the show basically and take over the shop. So, really, if you think the manager is the sort of person who will fold to the abusers version, or if they will believe you then by all means take your issue to them...but if they are a bit of a doormat themselves and easy to manipulate then the abuser might wrap their little finger around them and use their position to gain the upper hand.
Jeff Bassett Lol! I involved mgmt and they sided with gaslighter even after the middle man and several other colleagues agreed with me before it got to boss.
Self inflation i would think has a major role. I too wonder if it is a measured conscious activity or unconscious natural result of toxic personality. To me it seems studied but i am not sure. If you look at what is taught by fraternal organizations and leadership education the philosophies seem similar to gaslighting imo. There is a segment of the population who seem to revere sociopathic behavior, as the way to success. Perhaps these people have adapted it to all phases of life. Could be they were subjected to same as a child and that is simply how they learned to interact and actually know not what they do. But to me it seems too measured to accept that, as if they have studied these tactics. It is a mystery to be sure.
It goes a bit beyond that. The people at the head of the pyramid are psychopaths and they have engineered society to basically be like them and are very rapidly succeeding in dehumanizing everyone, and using humans to do the job for them. We police each other so much these days and have had to turn off our empathy switches just to get by...or so people think they need to. Nobody is allowed to feel and empathy is seen as a weakness instead of an integral part of being human. We've been socially engineered this way by very devious and dark personalities that are in charge of this world. They operate from a very cold, ancient lizard brain. I grew up in a family of people like this. My father was gaslighting me from a very young age and I only worked it out around the age of 17 when I got into art and dropped acid, which showed me what was going on. I had to unlearn being numb and mean. My brother is a patholigical liar and my other brother gaslights me whenever I speak to him, which I no longer do for obvious reasons. Before I worked all this out and started to unlearn the behaviour, which was a very conscious choice once I worked out how much it had harmed me and how harmful in general, and morally wrong it is to violate minds this way, I just thought it was normal to behave this way...even FUN! It's sick. Once I learned more about how my fathers parents treated him as a child it became obvious why he was the way he was. I don't see narcissists as monsters, though they behave monstrously. They are people who are very fucked up and so damaged that they are closed off from their emotions and empathy and vulnerability that they have to hurt anyone who reminds them of this side of themselves which they see as weak. They are tragically so cut off from their souls and so lost in their own egos, and believe that false self to be their True selves. It's also a contagious dis-ease. If you stay around people with this disorder you WILL become like them. They take your light and replace it with their darkness. It's creepy af.
My wife gaslights me. When confronted, she says its me who is lying. She also called me a narcisist. Now i cant sleep as I hear ringig in my ears due to stress but she seems to be doing just fine.
I have a lot to learn, because if someone is avoiding responsibility, they might want us to change our actions more than they might change theirs. But we shouldn’t feel like our actions cause their negative actions. But if we don’t accept some of their criticism if we should change something, how can we expect them to accept some of ours as well? Shouldn’t we be a good example? A bit confused. I try to balance showing respect without allowing being disrespected.
I've known what gaslighting is from 2013 so it's impossible to alter my perceptions. Albeit with induced pressure via attempted trauma induction it can be difficult to stay on track but all the same I always get mentally back on track fast
The simplest thing I ever found was to keep an accurate up to date journal. Noting what was said and done - kept her from twisting things around. Really, really made her mad - when she would say something happened and I would bring her into the office and show her the page I had written an accurate version on. She finally gave up and left....
Gaslighting = external factors are the cause. It is never the speaker's fault, involvement or even responsibility. Thee best tactic I have seen (and trying to find ways to remind myself) is to get another perspective. Asking someone I trust to tell the truth about my state, my logic, and my source of my thinking lets me see the forest, not the trees. Before I act, I want to make sure I am not just protecting my ego, but my sense of self. The thing I most notice is that most "gaslighting" is really someone justifying their behavior. It's your fault, it's the logical action, they see nothing wrong with what they did. When a group/person/... tries to make you back their side at the expense of yourself, you need to ask a simple question. What do I get from following them? AND am I getting that or just a promise/delusion of someday, maybe, if it works...?
It's my older, only sister! She used to be so sweet, and my biggest champion until about a year and a half ago when I moved back home and now live 5 doors down from her and her husband. What is so confusing, is that she is sweet to me, like every other time we are together. I cannot believe how mean she treats me on the "other" times.
This is exactly the information I was looking for - thankyou for a well put video. Im struggling with this at the moment and really appreciate the clarity youve provided
I've been doing the last one for years. Frist I thought they genuinly doesn't remember well I spent hours at a time trying to explain. Then I realized what was really going on and that they are lying, twisting the truth and trying to change in my mind what happened. I didn't go crazy, didn't start questioning myself because I KNEW how it was and I just got frustrated and angry all the time. And did what the last suggestion is in the video. It never worked. They have kept doing it. All. The. Time. It has just recently calmed down since I'm not trying to explain anything anymore and not even telling anything just end the conversation right away without showing any frustration. (The real deal is to actually get to the point where you don't just hide your frustration -as that is still narcissistic supply, because they know you are angry, genuine people cannot pretend - but truly not feel angry and frustrated from the inside)
My sister has always done this to me and I broke up with a guy who was really good at it. I didn't know what was going on but had a gut feeling that something wasn't right about him. The gut was right. Always listen to your gut instincts.
I have physically left my home and went to nieces home...currently there are two people in my life that live with me. The first is my common law partner since 2004 and the second is my niece, who is homeless, and has drug issues as well as being in a recent relationship where she has been both gaslighter and victim of a narcissist which always ends up in violence on both sides. I am now her prime victim so much so that I have had to leave my home to get away. My partner pays all the household bills he provides for me I am disabled an unable to maintain my home without him I would end up homeless I was in counseling for three years and during that time I put a restraining order on him. When I went for help it was like your options are lose home and go into a shelter. Lose home home and become homeless...there was no help out there even thru the churches or government services being single no children being disabled. Left counseling went back with partner....being abused...with niece have had her here several times every time massive gaslighting on me had restraint order at one time...police and partner took her side...inside not her and friend kicking yelling screaming trying to kick door in break windows to get in the home because of a red duffle bag. Was inside with other niece and my two great niece and nephew...partner was outside with them and did nothing talking with them as if they had came to visit then when police came he walked to back of house. Police took her side until she accidentally told them I had a restraining order...so please tell me being disabled and unable to leave being on a fixed income is there really anyone or persons that would help...I don’t think so...now I am invisible because it’s safer for my mind....please help my name is ANNETTE CASTELLANOS my partners name is on my untuned...thank you
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years😞. What a rollercoaster it's been.. I've never in my life felt so trapped and Lonely. He has mental ripped me apart💔.. I get the silent treatment all the time and blamed, ACCUSED of things I would never ever do.... He really has messed my mind up so bad I TRULY HATE HIM SO MUCH.. ITS CRAZY HOW HE CAN TREAT ME SO BAD BUT HE WONT LEAVE😞.. AT THIS POINT I HAVE NO MORE FIGHT INSIDE ME.. IDK PLEASE PRAY FOR ME GOD KNOWS I NEED IT SO BAD🙏. I USE TO BE A HAPPY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO WAS SO INDEPENDENT WHO LOVED LIFE💔😞. NOW I WALK AROUND LOOKING SO UGLY TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER WHICH SOMEHOW HE STILL PUTS ME DOWN... I NEED MY POWER BACK SO SO FRICKIN BAD
Does shaming, blaming, shunning, persecuting and stigmatizing fall in to this category too? I watched these in order but didn’t add this comment until now. Thank you for these videos on this way in which people interact, enormously helpful. After the amount of gaslighting I have been subject to- I have no problem standing my ground. But that creates problems with family too, they want to continue the subtle abuse evidently. So I walk away and they all feel superior.
It feels like I have been gas lit but I still question myself and wonder if I am just misremembering things.... and Im like, isn't this also a symptom of gas lighting? Anyway. Your videos have been helping to this very confused person. So thank you.
he's a gaslighteer, make you work hard, make you spend hard Make you want all of his love Hes a gaas liiighter, make you buy cars, make you cut cards Wish you never ever met him at all
After years of therapy, I finally understand gaslighting.. Actually, I'm very very sensitive to this.. I recognize every little try. So, I either stay untouched or either stop conversation. Of course my gaslighter husband gets angry and says how selfish I am... bla bla... and plays the victim. So, it never ends... Of course, none in my family knows all these.. They think we are the perfect couple.. Do you believe that If I stay too strong he will eventually leave me??? I tried to leave him..he turned all against me.. of course.
I would have considered going to couples therapy for things to work, but he has already called me crazy for implying he has been gaslighting me for years. Say he picked up a ball that was blue and stated "This ball is red". Then I would say, " No, the ball is blue." He would then say an instant later, "I never said the ball is red. Why would you think I would say the ball is red?" Just a simple example, but conversations like this happen all the time with him.
Nichole Desalvo I’m going through the same thing with my wife. She will say something then when I say “you just said” and repeat her words back she will deny deny deny
Walking away and being confident with who you are really help when dealing with a gaslighter. However, it is more difficult to walk away when the gaslighter is a sibling or a parent/guardian, especially when you are young. In that case, knowing who you are and not get absorbed into their problems would help
Stop! Palm out like a traffic cop calmly saying Stop is my best approach. Removed myself from the relationship. My boundaries are for me, not others. When I am uncomfortable with someone, I do question myself to see if I have contributed to the situation. If it’s gaslighting or crazy-making, If honesty is unattainable from them, I will leave, and/or remove their contact information. I’m 63 now. I have no time for these kinds of people with my years being limited.
I want to add a comment, because I've been gaslit by my narcissistic mother since, well, my whole life (until recently). The thing I did that worked for me, and I'm not saying it would for anyone else, was I put my mom on speaker phone during one of her explosive cursing at me/ insulting me/threatening to physically assault me rants. (I'm not afraid of her, btw, I'm 44 years old and 6'4 and outweigh her by about 200 lbs since she's 78 and weighs about 110 lbs and is 5'0.) Also, her main vessel of physical abuse, my dad, died in 2012. She manipulated him into beating me. Now that he's gone, she's basically barks a lot but has no bite. Anyway, her usual is to throw these fits at me, then deny them when I bring them up around anyone else. So, the last time she did this was about six months ago. My husband and adult son were with me at the time, and I let them both be audio-witnesses. When the rant was over, I asked was she done and she said, "Yes the h*ll I am." I said good, and explained I'd had her on speaker and my son and husband had heard her threaten me. She immediately walked it back and said, "That's not what I said and that's a d*mn lie." Well, that's her key phrase. She lies to me AND admits lying in one sentence. I'm not sure she realizes she's doing it, but she's pretty much done it for as long as I can remember, especially since my dad passed. I reminded her she'd been on speaker with 2 witnesses and she changed her tone and apologized for getting bent out of shape and being so ugly over what was, essentially, a simple question about how to work a power tool I had borrowed from her. Since that episode, she has lightened up on me considerably---and she bought a puppy to scream and yell at. Watching her interact with the dog is the cringiest thing ever; it's exactly how she treated me when I was growing up. She calls the dog's name 50-60 times every hour, just to get a reassurance the dog knows who she is, that she's "mama." Story of my life...wish I had time to tell you how my mom reacted to my first marriage and no longer having me under her roof. Utter nightmare is an understatement.
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Which one of these strategies resonated with you most?
Julia Kristina Counselling
Talking to a friend or therapist
not my rodeo and taking a stand. being grounded and not allowing the abuse to continue
I know this a bit old but I have a question about some of these vids about gaslighting a termn I just now learned. What if this is what is being but the person doing it does not realize they are , all the examples are as close as can be , but the person doing this I don't or I won't believe would purposely do this . Considering it's my daughter and on the other hand I'll be accussed of doing this to her when I don't think I was at all but could have been perceived that way . Im tired of trying to mend what was once a better relationship , even the boundarys have been twisted cuz I walked away .
"Not my rodeo." Love it.
Julia Kristina Counselling Those are all great ideas. Maybe you could give some suggestions on how to say no to someone you live with. If someone knows your schedule intimately you can’t really use the schedule or not enough time scenario. In my case it’s my mother. She is very passive\aggressive. She tends to gaslight etc.I live with her and I am not in a position to move out. She is 81. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated 🙏
The hardest thing I have found is when the gasligher thinks they’re the one being gaslit. It’s really a mind warp and is really difficult
yep they always flip it and project it on to you, and the most unbelieveable thing is how nearly everyone will believe them. It's like the movie Fallen, and legion
That's right, it's a mindwarp because us people who fell for gaslighting have internalized other people are right and we are wrong. At least in my case it was like this. What I learned from my episode with my gaslighter is that whatever I think, it's what goes. If I'm wrong I will reevaluate myself, but I don't let others gauge for me what's right and what's wrong. I hope you recovered Amanda and left all this behind.
They're messed up that's the covert victim narc. Screw them.
You love being gaslighted. Im sure if you were with a guy that treated you nice and actually loved you, it would be a sign of weakness to you and an automatic turnoff.
So i guess back to the great gaighting badboy for you....
Or rather... They 'claim" they're being gaslit.
Since it's not like they can be trusted not to be manipulating on that front, as well. 🙄
Its stomach turning and very aggravating.
I've been gaslighted since I was practically a toddler. I was aware of it but didn't know what it was called or what to do. I spent the last couple years getting people who do that out of my life. Thanks for this
The more you take a stand the more they up their gaslighting.
Don’t be stuck in the trap that you can “solve this”.
Walk away! Is good advice.
Respect yourself enough. Gaslighting can really erode your sense of self.
My whole family is like that and I recently had to walk away from someone I called a friend. Best thing I ever did. And I walked away from my family years ago because they opened the door for me to go.
Yeah I’ve found myself questioning everything I do,see and hear .... idk how to get away from this narcissist ,it’s really disturbing how much I’ve allowed this person to make me second guess my very existence. It’s Embarrassing
I agree. I thought the suggestion to confront the manipulator in the video was not good advice in any but the mildest forms of gaslighting.
YES that's what happened to me also
@@hauntedwhispers8187 Did u go homeless... Like did u just up and leave not knowing where you are going or was it a process. If so what the process?
Trusting yourself and listening to our body and allowing ourselves to come first and do what feels safe for us is crucial to start healing. Thank you so much.
Coming out of a 26 year relationship that was based on gaslighting. I just found these videos. What a help they are to me! Thank you so much.
My mother is a master gaslighter. I figured it out decades ago and let her know I was having no more of it. However, my brother never got free, never was able to move out on his own and be independent. Big issues are now arising in his awareness of his situation. I'm sending your links to him. Thanks!
My sister and mother is a gaslighter
Same. I don't know how to get out. The gaslighter never acknowledges that they are wrong. How did u overcome it. Please share.
@@natashamuchena8610 it's not that hard. You are staying in the relationship because you want something from that person. You have to stop wanting it and you are free. Do you want attention, validation, acceptance, understanding, resources?
I used to start writing things down, straight after the incident.. then I could refer back to those notes so I can feel confident and sure in how I felt at the time.. its awful : /
Oh I do this all the time, you see this bozos start young
I am currently in a relationship where I was questioning what form of manipulation was he using towards me, and I have found it! This is exactly how I am feeling.. every morning that I wake up I ask myself “what is my purpose for today” “how can I better myself for him” “who am I really” I am always torn between my thoughts because he has made me insecure about my boundaries, and decisions.. people like this hate boundaries the moment I say “I’m not putting up with that” he turns with a mock of me saying that or a mock of me reacting to it.. I have told him I feel like “dirt” the way he puts me down and he makes me question my mental stability a lot.. I have also learned that the minute you mention somewhere they are wrong.. they make you feel you are crazy or that they never said that and they make you feel like now you can’t trust yourself, and I honestly just feel like complete shit at that moment 🙁 I really need help healing myself.
I remained firm and made it clear to her that i know what was said, even quoting her, and that she's changing her story in order to justify herself and avoid taking accountability or responsibility for her actions. However, the fact that i call her out doesn't change anything, as her response is either silence or changing the subject or being obstinate.
I know this life. You can't help someone who doesn't want help; the silence/changing the subject thing is maddening as well as further abuse. Sounds like we have a lot in common; BPD?
Oh man, that's my ex right now.
That sounds exactly like my wife
yes or provoke and esclate ....
That happens to me all of the time with my husband! We are separated for the 3rd time! I have known things weren’t right from the day we got married! I’m filing for divorce!
My family .....why I keep my distance
Same here
very difficult when its your family
@@CurthasPvP yep
Well, that's a tough one, and I don't think my tactic against gaslighting does not sounds pleasant but nasty at the very least...
If you are aware of being controlled or cornered, then act like you are out of their control, or make them taste their own medicine by turning the table (by speaking like a lawyer) against their theories (e.g. If they claimed that you are crazy, then you could either say "yeah, you too!" or "Yeah, that's all because you are making me crazy!") because one of the things they are trying to do is to manipulate you by blame shifting. (Think like playing squash against your opponent, and always be prepared to defend yourselves like a defending lawyer.)
If they try to throw their first punch or even kill you because of that, then call the police and don't be afraid to throw them into jail for dear life, perhaps a legitimate, self-defensive way to cut ties in their relationships and survive.
The gaslighters are controlling but impatient witches, not even bitches. My mom is a gaslighter, unfortunately.
I found the Gray Rock method to work really well against family. The moment you are told you are being "really boring" or that "you used to be fun" or that "you are not feeling enough" means that it's working. You can fully disconnect from family, but Gray Rock makes you feel a lot more sane when having no other choice but to be with them.
It’s important to find a supportive friend cause I have been gaslighted by people who I was asking about the gas lighter
"It’s important to find a supportive friend cause I have been gaslighted by people who I was asking about the gas lighter"
It's pretty common for that to happen. You start to realize why certain types of people cluster together.
In case you haven't heard of "flying monkees" that's the term commonly to describe those other parties who reinforce the toxic gaslighting dynamic.
It's triangulated gaslighting - kind of like the difference between bacteria and viruses.
Read books online . About coercive control and that book won’t lie to you !!
Why are girls like you so common?
I've just STOPPED a gaslighting conversation for the VERY 1ST TIME in 18 years of being manipulated by a flatmate ! Whoa, I've only just found out what it's all about and I'm losing my mind at times ! Phew, Much Gratitude Julia
The music of bob marley speaks to this subject in quite vivid detail if you listen carefully. The thrust of his message essentially is how africans had been gaslit and how to deal with it spiritually and materially. I highly recommend it as a source of strength and inspiration for those facing these issues.
Check out his track 'who the cap fit' for example. His last three albums survival, uprising and confrontation are particularly relevant imo
Really interesting! I’ll check that out.
I just want to say thank you for posting this series on gaslighting. It’s most definitely an awakening moment for me. I appreciate and love this videos. Thank you again Julia.
Writing down resonates with me. I find it is also useful to go back and remember the facts as emotions in the 'moment' impact my memory days or weeks later. Also, taking a stand. For me this is most important as I feel like I have voice when someone is trying to silence or change my 'voice'.
That's a great idea. TY
Grew up in a physically , emotionally and mentally abusive household. I was gaslit like no other. They were never satisfied until I caved in and agreed that it was always my fault. I would try to walk away and my mother wouldn’t let me do I would try to move her then she would blow it up to my dad saying I punched her.. crazy. Finally out of the house, getting my own place and starting to reconnect with myself again. Thank you. I’m done feeling insane and small!!!
😂 One of the BEST moments is when you get this big, obnoxious text and you reply "not taking the bait. Hope your day gets better. Turning the phone off now."
I'm telling you... it's satisfying. Like pulling painter's tape off and finding no bleed.
Here's the truth in that scene - whether you bite and get into a 5 hour long battle or turn your phone off, raise a finger and move on in your day - the end of your day is going to have the same outcome with this person. Once in a while you may even have a decent outcome. They get tired too. They tire out faster if you let them corkscrew alone.
So, keep your peace if you have an out. Try to remember that this person is UNWELL. Nobody in their right mind behaves this way. It's hard to be angry with someone that is sick. 💙 Keeps you sane with that perspective too.
Talking to a supportive friend is very important in these situations.....one who will believe you and tell you the other person is wrong so you can get your power back.....been bullied and gaslighted all my life and am currently most likely getting gas lighted by my boss at work....people are cruel
#4 Take a Stand. I had already confronted the gaslighter before finding your channel and what you stated was in line with how I handled it. Even to my final gesture with my hand to let her know I was done and she was dismissed as I walked away. I took back my power. Was it effective? Absolutely!
I confront him constantly but it does no good. Insanity is Setting in and defined by expecting a new result every time you do the same thing.
These days, I voice record everything because if I question what was really said, I can always replay it. Also, at times when gas-lighting was happening, I could go back to those moments and pin point exact words and manipulation behind it.
I'm starting to do the same thing. My ability to "remember things correctly" was recently questioned, so I decided to record all our conversations on my phone out of self defense. I've been living in a gaslighting relationship for 12 years without knowing it (I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what to call it) Finding out about gaslighting and it's different forms is leading me out of the fog I've been living in for many years, thankfully!
endlessummer -I find myself starting to do that sometimes too .... I’m tired of being told that something wasn’t said when it clearly was, I’m tired of questioning my sanity
Brilliant strategy 👍
I started recording things too!! Because when they lie or find outrageous excuses to their behaviours my mind goes blank and I can't think. I don't know what to believe anymore. Recording helps to remember.
I have been doing the exact same thing and every time I go in on a dog walk because people are crazy and they try to make it seem like they’re the victim even my manager where I live I rent here he does not want to be recorded he always asked me when my phone is in my hand are you recording and I always tell him yes I am and it pisses him off that I’m recording he always tells me to turn the recorder off I do not have his permission I told him I spoke to an attorney and they told me as long as I’m on public property I can record I’m doing it for my own safety I was told that in my own Apt. if I have cameras recording and people come over I legally have to notify them and tell them they are being recorded as well as the telephone, however if I’m outdoors walking around I could have my phone recording in my hand and that is perfectly legal and I suggest everybody does it
I knew I'd like you the moment you said 'deal with crap' in the opening speech.
I am learning boundaries now, and am dealing with gaslighting at work. I started calling my boss out on it before I even realized. Thank you for this video. It validates my feelings, and for the first time in my life I actually stood up for myself, and I feel proud for standing strong. This video also validates that I am doing the right thing.
Thank you kindly ❤
My mom had made this her new habit over the years. Sucks because we love each other a lot, and we're super close. I told her shes been doing this to me for years and she said "well you should be used to it by now then!" 🙃 So she acknowledges it, and says I'm weird for not being okay with it by now. This is really hurting me, I never pictured her being like this. She wasnt always like this......
I am so sorry, I think that I have suffered this too from family and friends
I was talking to a guy that tried to make me doubt my memories. I told him to get out of my car right now. At the time i didn't know he was manipulative but i have great confidence in my memory.
Julia-
A lot of what you have talked about in the two previous videos, of this series, has resonated with me, in regards to my relationship with my husband. We have had a lot of moments that have left me conflicted, confused and incapable of determining if this has become something abusive that will not change. We most recently had an incident where my husband threw a pillow across the room because I wouldn’t be intimate with him. This came as a shock, as I was falling asleep, and we hadn’t gotten into an argument, nor was there anything that had happened as a precursor to this. He has done this once before, and afterwards he either won’t speak to me or he will yell and call me a bitch. This most recent time, I asked him to leave because he was slamming doors, and I did not want my three year old to hear and get upset. She has been witness to some of our arguments lately and gotten very upset, which I can’t stand to see. He refused to leave and told me to get the fuck away and to zip it. The next morning he comes to me as if nothing had happened, smiling and attempting to hug and kiss me. When I tell him that this behavior is not normal and I won’t stand for it, at first he responds that he could be much worse, he could be the type that parties or cheats, and I won’t find a guy out there that won’t get upset over sex. I stand my ground, and later that day we have a conversation. He admits to being manipulative and that is was wrong, but something didn’t seem genuine. I have been distant since, and at first he was being so attentive and nice, but now he has resorted to ignoring me and shutting me out. I am in a place now that, after 6 years going through similar, cyclical situations with him, that this is probably not going to change. Any thoughts/guidance? Thanks!
One of the dangerous things about gaslighting is that it can lead to a victim to commit suicide. When parents put all of their energy into belittling their kids - with contempt, those kids grow up hating themselves. Nobody talks about this. Would someone please discuss this?
God bless your heart!! I really needed to hear that I'm not being crazy. I've been gaslighted by my sister for my whole life. It's time to take my power.
same. I need to get off this merry go round
I've just found you & I'm so very thankful. The last therapist I went to, after being kidnapped & attempted murdered, gaslighted me bad, only I didn't know what it was. I just knew it wasn't right, but I wasn't right at the time. Since then, I refuse to go to another. You are a breathe of fresh air.
I have found that sadly, I am married to someone that went to counseling that reinforced being horrible to me with gaslighting, narcissistic abuse tactics, to the point where I have been having to slowly get my footing back by doing things quietly under the table so I can get my feet back under me.
Speaktok oh honey I hear you this just sucks. I m sorry for all that you are going through
How are you doing now?
That's it! I am crying inside! I thank God for you, Julia, and your videos! I finally know what has happened to me. Please continue to create contents like these. You never know whose lives you might be changing. I rarely comment on TH-cam videos but I just can't help it, Julia, these are all mind-opening. Keep it up. You inspire me to continue my dream of becoming a Psychologist/Psychiatrist. Thank you. Thank you. ❤️
Oh...What a difference your videos have made in my life --Joyful and entertaining, information delivered in clear easy-to-grasp practical terms...depth of insight is totally astounding! I appreciate your remarkable efforts and all the time you put into your presentations.
Deeply Grateful!!!
This made my day - I'm really grateful you've been finding this information helpful. Thanks for taking the time to say so!
This too , I also couldn’t find deep specific examples and experiences that other people had to be sure of myself. When I saw some of your videos it helped me gain my reassurance and understand what’s going on a bit more. I appreciate it Julia ! Keep doing what you’re doing.
I've had this happen numerous times, particularly on first dates, because people have seen me as an easy target. I was called crazy and a drug addict by one woman who I now know was projecting all of her own issues onto me. I was a "drug addict" because I didn't (and couldn't) finish my meal, which I had only ordered to be polite, and she knew full well that I had already eaten dinner (at 5 PM, while the date was meant to be a casual late-night snack kind of deal at 9 PM). I didn't particularly like another, who spent the entire date interrogating me, then acted upset at the end, saying I never attempted to get to know her or ask her questions, when I in fact did make a point to get her talking, despite the fact that each time I asked her something she acted annoyed by the question. Though in my usual manner I was polite and treated her cordially as with any date, it was clear to her that I wasn't wild about her, and so it became MY problem and I was called weak and spineless. So now I usually brush off the first insinuation that I'm doing something abnormal, but if it happens repeatedly, I make it clear that I won't tolerate the gaslighting.... but in the heat of the moment, I find it more effective to just tell them that I don't allow anyone to "piss down my back and tell me it's raining", as the old saying goes.
Thank you, I'm in process of getting out of relationship with covert narc. He's finally got himself his new flat and moves out in 5 weeks. But now, as I thought would happen, he started the arguing again. He caught me off guard this morning, started going on about how badly I had treated him, how he had handled things so much better than I had bringing up things from the past that were twisted to make him the victim. I initially got caught up, but then, as i observed him, I just said 'wow' , he said 'yeah wow, I've been thinking about this stuff'. Me 'yeah you really gave haven't you' in an incredulous way. Then I said 'I'm not doing this, I didn't want this row ' he said he didnt want it either. As I walked away, I said 'yes you did, you enjoy all this, I see that smirk on your face. I know what you're doing' and walked away. I have blanked him completely if I have to be in the same space, I'm just not looking at or talking to him.
I thought I'd done the 'wrong' thing. I remained calm when I delivered my exit lines, while he may have made me feel awful, I certainly didn't react overly, I kept myself controlled. But still, I thought the exit lines may have given away my power. Then I listened to this and felt so much better. At the end of your vid, you've given the exit lines almost word for word, as the ones I delivered earlier. I hope I can stay strong.
I may be shaking inside and consumed with wanting to defend myself, but the voice inside that used to be so quiet is louder now. I can hear it even as I'm reacting and can pull myself back. For me this is progress.
I'm glad now that I used those lines as I exited the interaction. He now knows for sure that i see what he is and what he's doing. That may change things a little.
This is the first time I've told him I see him as what he really is. It could backfire, but I didn't think about it at the time, I was simply fed up of watching him enjoy my misery.
I guess I should take that as a sign that I'm developing a better sense of self and better boundaries?
These comments have me in tears, in remorse I feel this sense of validation. I feel like I’m finally not alone in this, it’s not just me who is confused of my own reality, it’s not just me worrying of younger siblings due to gaslighting of parents, I’m not alone. I tried telling myself that but I really thought I was. I have a lot to heal. My mother is a MASTER manipulator, she has manipulated her boyfriends, police, social workers, therapists.. I am so scared for my younger brother but I know I will do my best to allow him to feel validated and give him the tools he needs to break free. I am so scared for him. These 16 years of my life have been terrible, I wish my mom could just realise what she’s doing, no matter how much evidence She’s always the victim, I’m a monster for suggesting that she does things wrong. Im a monster for calling things as they are, such as not telling a 2 year old to shut up crying, validating herself in the same things she makes me feel guilty for, leaving me with worn and torn clothes and shoes and making me feel I was ungrateful, telling me she buys me loads of things when the last thing she bought me was years ago.. all these excuses, all these years of telling me I was a monster when she was just projecting herself onto me. Gaslighting me for being upset over her lack of sympathy when I was going to COURT as a 12 year old who had been abused. I’m finally realising how disgusting of a mother I have, she portrays this lovely life to others like she’s this perfect woman and it’s so frustrating when I try to explain what she does and she puts on her nice voice nice face nice attitude and makes out like I’m crazy. There is so much anger built up inside of me, and it’s all her fault. I don’t know how to forgive her. She is disgusting.
Mine is work related. I became so broken at work & Im angry because this has happened to me. Im going to need a lot of work done to heal. Im in touch my the director of the company to fight back. Im back at work today for the first time since becoming ill. I have anxiety but Im also ready to fight back
Absolutely phenomenal video. Thank you for creating this Julia. 4 months ago my son was losing his apartment due to a girl he met. He got kicked out of his house due to her alcoholism. I drove up there to help him move. The girl sat in the car didn't lift a finger but she did get drunk and blacked out. She asked me unusual questions if I'm close with my son and if I miss him? 3 days later I don't know what she said to my son. But my son had me kicked out of his new place. I was devastated and I'm still devastated. And now 4 months later this person is asking for an apology from me and she's saying if she comes to Socal and visit she's taking separate cars which is shaming me and gaslighting me and I can't take it anymore. It's causing me to be really detached and I'm walking in the fog. I'm trying to work through this it's not easy.
Wow, such great info. I've been "figuring things out" on my own over the years, but this video has really confirmed for me that I did the right thing by walking away (for the sake of my own sanity/quality of life). It's like that feeling when you're fumbling around in the dark and stumble on the light switch- let there be light. Thank you.
Number 3. Not worth being in the fake friendship anymore.Had a so called friend that would use spiritual/new age BS to disregard my feelings and never apologise or take accountability for her actions. Instead it would be projected back at me as if i wasn't conscious or spiritual enough because SHE didnt think anything was wrong. I would ask for mutual respect, she would divert this to being needy. Yet im the one who stopped talking to her for a year or so???!!! She recently tried to come back, but same old shit. finally im done, i could finally write my last message to her and express myself without fear of being judged because i dont care anymore. Thank you and thank you subg88 for the Bob Marley ref love the "who the cap fits" song but didnt fully pay attention to the lyrics till now!!!
Thank you for this, I did this to people my whole life not realizing what I was doing, gaslighting is a form of mental abuse and I hope people stop.
It is a terrible injustice for a victim who becomes aware of this abuse, but cannot leave or terminate the relationship with the unhealthy person.
I was so blessed to be thousands of miles away from my very toxic family having only my spouse, church, and children as negative influencers while my heart and soul began the long process of healing. The toxic spouse and church are no longer a part of my life. My children were young enough to learn healthy living. They are well-balanced, successful adults now.
Once you catch on to being gas lighted you take back control. When it happens to me now even in public i will raise my voice...not yell...and tell them what a loser they are for even attempting to gas light me. Shuts them up and they stay away. :) KInd of a self righteous anger....yeah :)
It's exhausting for me..My man plays on my insecurities and exploits them..he knows my ex was a serial cheater so he is over friendly with my female friends. .to the point I point it out when she leaves and I'm accused of being jealous and crazy..I'm so tired OMG 😢😭😭😭
Did you leave him?
My sister has gaslighted me for years though I always remained firm in knowing what I heard and never second guessed myself - i began to question her mental health. I believe she is narcissist. However - I don’t have self doubt, I do have immense resentment and rage towards her for doing this to me for decades. When she does gaslighting, it makes my blood boil and it takes me several days to calm down.
I certainly glorify God for this particular video, it really hit home. I am being done this way on my job, and it is very traumatizing, but because I have a better understanding of what's going on, I now know how to handle it better! Yes, this video is right on target, and may God continue to bless your life for videoing this! This is much needed.
I just ended a whirlwind 9 week relationship. I have been studying narcissism for a while because I am recovering from it (covert) and also seem to attract them. Imbalanced people attract imbalanced people right? I need to watch that. Anyhow, I am SO MUCH BETTER than I used to be and I quickly told him that certain behaviors of his were not working for me. I am definitely guilty of allowing things to move way too quickly, though I think he quickly realized that I was not that easy to manipulate, and so he is already out of my life. Amazing! Hooray for boundaries and self-trust!
is there any way to make this person realise what they do is wrong? the more i try the crazier i look. its happening within my family and i cant stand to see the ones i love behave in such a toxic way. really hurts me honestly.
I just found your channel... what I appreciate that is different about your channel is that you dont just throw information out there, you give solutions along with it... its helpful to know the signs of being gaslighted and manipulated, but its not really going to help someone who is currently being gaslighted; what will help are ideas on how to protect themselves. So thank you for sharing this❤🙏 very helpful for me!
After not talking to my ex for nearly 7 years he recently contacted me. He was really abusive while we were together. Not even a week in he started gas lighting me. Thankfully i recognized it right away. I just started my masters in psychology program. It takes allot of work to get back to trusting oneself.
Patricia Leonard
Yes, it is a journey of ups and downs, but so worth it. I hope you are doing well. I hope the ex hasn't wiggled his way back in. Take care of YOU.
Here's one. If I share anything I am re-considering, I hear 'Don't YOU THINK that's a SIGN?' Didn't you figure this out? Then follows a direct point-by-point directive of what I SHOULD do. In the end, all my thoughts or plans are faulty and I should make choices EXACTLY like they do, follow them. Never again. Done. I'm changing their name in my phone to 'Gaslighter Warning'! Then It's RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE, the second they call up.
I believe I've been gaslit almost all my adolescent and adult life, but the worst of it came recently from the father of my child. He still wants to be in our son's life, and he does take good care of him. But I'm really unsure on what to do from here.
I broke up with him because I finally had enough. I stood up for myself and walked away, but since we have a child together that we both want to take care of, that complicates things.
I really don't know how to deal with this.
What if Gaslighting is a cry for help from someone who is to afraid to ask? 'Cause I was getting really angry at my narc boss. He keeps telling me "are you sick, you need to take better care of yourself." He gets mad when I don't do things his way. Then when I listen to everything he says stuff goes wrong and he blames me. I feel set up, and its really draining. Plus he says a lot of other mean sly things, then blames me for being passive aggressive. So I decided enough was enough and I was going to tell him "hes sick, confused, forgetful, and I've got better ways of doing things." Then I realized, OMG. What if they are the really hurting and afraid to be left behind? I don't know. For sure though he disagrees with everything I say. So today I told him "I'm gonna finish that important project today." And he gave me the day off like I actually wanted.
You use the term "the way the're making you feel."
I was told that "no one can make me feel like i do but me."
Not by a narcasist.
I called her out on it and stood by that.. no apology was forthcoming till some days later but, the best moment for that had pass.
I'm so thankful that you made the series. You just explained what has been happening to me for years. Now I can have tools to implement to keep this from happening to me again. Thank you so much I never heard of this term before but it explains everything I've been trying to resolve in my life.
Writing it down is the best way to begin to get out of this. Did it years ago with my ex. I got remarried and kept a journal of our discussions because he was a much better person, but tried to manipulate here and there. As soon as I found this out, I kept my diary and used it as needed. This is what was said, this is what you said and this is what we agreed on. Any questions? He had no tool left when he found out I was doing this. He then realized what he was doing was not going to work and was much more agreeable and honest.
My gas lighter is my mom and it is getting worse and worse day by day it's at an all new extreme and I don't know why. I tell her all the time that I see what she's doing, but she just explodes with anger. Thank God I can see her for what she is.
My older sister has classic NPD & she has used smear campaigns, gaslighting, control-tactics, all the usual things for years. What I'll never understand is how my family could stand by & watch this, or even join in. How will I ever trust anyone again?
My family did that to me. Every time they try to tell me I am crazy. I just walk away. They always try to make me feel bad about myself .
Mine do as well. Every interaction is about making ME the problem and telling me that what I am trying to confront them about about never happened and I just need to focus on the positives and sweep everything else under the rug. I no longer have any contact with them sadly, but it's the only way I can stay sane.
Never had this happen to me until I worked for a boss who started gaslighting me and making me look bad infront of others at work by minimizing what I said, interrupting me, accusing me of doing or saying things that were absolutely false. All this started after I stopped relations with him. Being treated like this incessantly and not being able to defend myself, I started breaking down until I was a shell of who I was. As I broke down and minimized myself to protect myself and worked 12 hour days, he removed all support from me, talked about how incapable I was to others, pitted coworkers against me, I bane Incapable of deciding because I was constantly questioning myself. If anyone is reading this and is in this situation please leave now. It happened for 6 years until I mentally and physically broke down and it has been a year of therapy and more trying to heal myself and build back my self esteem which I had before this situation. If I left as soon as I saw the warning signs and understood what gaslighting was I would be in a better place mentally, socially, physically and definitely financially. Know your worth , trust your gut and do not let anyone take your power. Much love and support to anyone struggling in any capacity with a gaslighter.
It's in everything. Sound, Sight, Vibes, Texture, Aromas and Temperature spiritual gaslighting is the worst. Especially when the whole community is involved and you have proof by pin pointing it.
This is great advice, Thank you Julia. You are saving my life. Healthy boundaries and all the tips from this video. We must stop the epidemics of gaslighting! God bless you!
My dad loves to control others. He likes to gang up on 1 family member. Every time I leave his house after a visit I have a knot in my stomach. I feel like I’m the most evil, vile person who ever was. No matter what I give him or do for him it’s wrong. Reminds me of British trying to appease Hitler.
Thank you for this as now I see that if he can’t control me he will try to destroy me.
This conflicts w my belief that I should honor my father. He makes it impossible.
I know if I can just be gracious & not try to defend myself when he accuses me of stealing or whatever that God will see that I am following God’s order & He will defend me. Am working on being quite. And I don’t go there alone anymore when I have to go there.
I am currently being held emotionally hostage by my gas lighting alcoholic /Xanax addicted mother. She has lied tothe police about me and gotten me put on probation over a complete lie. Ive been abused my whole life by her, my grandfather and then when I was in active addiction getting sexually assaulted in prison. Now I am stuck in her house at the age of 40. Due to my criminal record I can´t find a job and I feel so so stuck and im crying right now. I am new to the term but my mother has been doing this to me my whole life. She threatens me with jail everyday. I have been sober , meditating and excersisng for almost two years. i feel so stuck. I admitted my faults and the way I acted when I was in active addiction but that hasn´t been me in some time now. Thank you for the information. If you go to my channel and look at my playlist there´s one called A- Wellrose Hummingbird Playlist . On there is a song I wrote about my mother called ¨Womb¨ . She terrifies me.
I mirrored the way he gaslighted me and he played the victim. When he started blaming me I was like, "No, this is your doing, it's not my fault. I'm innocent here, I'm just calling you out."
And he proceeded to abuse me physically because I told the truth.
I didn't even know I was being gaslighted (didn't know there was such thing) all I knew that he was wrong and he should know that he was wrong. Some of his gaslights actually got me but most of the time it didn't.
So dear my past self, you did good. Thanks for surviving it so that now I can enjoy this peaceful life.
I recently watched the original movie Gaslight (source of the term) and the Gaslighter was intentionally trying to make his wife feel crazy in order to steal her family fortune (financial motive). That seems very different from the scenarios discussed here, where it's more about ego and narcissism. It's so different that it seems like there should be a different term.
Well, my line manager does it to myself and my colleagues to steal the credit for our efforts, lower our confidence and drive down grades at appraisals. This leaves more chance of a high grade and extra pay for himself, as the performance related pay is from a very limited pot, so we are all in competition. My last appraisal saw my net pay drop (after tax and NI increases), after some shocking lies, unfair criticism and gaslighting. So, it could be said that is "stealing" too.
Great topic. Thank you. Will watch entirely, later.
Also, as a grammar stickler, I am compelled to say: Past tense of "gaslight" is "gaslighted."
Awesome - glad it connected with you! I'm not an expert in English grammar, but did look it up and actually, it is interchangeable - both gaslit and gaslighted are proper forms of the past tense.
Sounds brilliant but what does a person do when the narcissist is Catholic and seemingly uses his religion to look innocent and plays no role or takes any part in admitting any fault or responsibility? I've read somewhere that a narcissist who hides behind his religion is the most lethal kind of narcissist would you say this is true?
I have a similar situation when a narcissist is hinding behind his spiritual beliefs (astrology, kabala etc.) playing naive. It is truly lethal... Run..
Leave. Never Go Back.
@@challaismcdonald1787, I have kicked all 4 Narcissists out of my life already! All were good friendships, or so I thought.
Only LORD!! This is my situation right now that it makes me so done!!!! Indeed advice regarding this too!
thanks for your videos Julia! They are super helpful and I love them! The strategy that resonates with me is calling them on it when it's happening... I did this a few days ago, and it's empowering, and I didn't back down from my truth. I seen in the moment what they are doing... instead of not acknowledging it rather than thinking back later and being mad for not saying something at that time. Yay! Small win for my soul : ))
Thanks for clear explanations. I've been stuck in it, due my father attitude towards me....most of my life. Then my children became bullies to me, copying these tricks...
If you have someone like this in your life you'll see they sort of always throw little hooks at you regularly. Like throwing you these little traps of drama that you can mentally fall into. Like you are a fish swimming around, and they regularly throw hooks with baits at you, and you result in having some kind of negative emotion like guilt, pity, or other drama. So you have to be vigilant and recognize when they throw you the hooks and avoid falling into that manipulation trap each time. You have to be really awake, alert, vigilant and be firm when you're dealing with this kind of person and never forget who they truly are no matter how nice they maybe acting at the moment. Never forget who they are and stay on your course. Your course must be always to get them out of your life and if you can't(maybe they're family etc) it should be keeping safe distance. And never let that decision change or falter because you think they've changed or they're being nice now or whatever. Set it and stick with it for the rest of your life until you die.
I was gaslighting for 20 years crazyyyyyyyyy, but when you understand it, game over for the narc, defeat.
What if you're being gaslit by a coworker? Is it better to deal with it on your own or to get a manager involved?
Depends on the type of manager and their personality. This has happened to me and I went to the manager. The abuser also went to her and told her version of reality that I abused HER, and the manager was so 'nice' and I think a little afraid of the gaslighter, as she was a huge bully and the manager was a bit too nice and hadn't embraced her own authority which allowed this other woman to run the show basically and take over the shop. So, really, if you think the manager is the sort of person who will fold to the abusers version, or if they will believe you then by all means take your issue to them...but if they are a bit of a doormat themselves and easy to manipulate then the abuser might wrap their little finger around them and use their position to gain the upper hand.
Document Every little thing. Then go to the most reachable one....
Jeff Bassett Lol! I involved mgmt and they sided with gaslighter even after the middle man and several other colleagues agreed with me before it got to boss.
Perhaps, it's time for a new job. A manager may not understand about gas-lighting.
@@zhmw Managers let the bullies win
Why do so many ppl do this? Is it self esteem issues? Or are these personality disorders?
Self inflation i would think has a major role. I too wonder if it is a measured conscious activity or unconscious natural result of toxic personality. To me it seems studied but i am not sure. If you look at what is taught by fraternal organizations and leadership education the philosophies seem similar to gaslighting imo. There is a segment of the population who seem to revere sociopathic behavior, as the way to success. Perhaps these people have adapted it to all phases of life. Could be they were subjected to same as a child and that is simply how they learned to interact and actually know not what they do. But to me it seems too measured to accept that, as if they have studied these tactics. It is a mystery to be sure.
It goes a bit beyond that. The people at the head of the pyramid are psychopaths and they have engineered society to basically be like them and are very rapidly succeeding in dehumanizing everyone, and using humans to do the job for them.
We police each other so much these days and have had to turn off our empathy switches just to get by...or so people think they need to. Nobody is allowed to feel and empathy is seen as a weakness instead of an integral part of being human. We've been socially engineered this way by very devious and dark personalities that are in charge of this world. They operate from a very cold, ancient lizard brain.
I grew up in a family of people like this. My father was gaslighting me from a very young age and I only worked it out around the age of 17 when I got into art and dropped acid, which showed me what was going on. I had to unlearn being numb and mean.
My brother is a patholigical liar and my other brother gaslights me whenever I speak to him, which I no longer do for obvious reasons. Before I worked all this out and started to unlearn the behaviour, which was a very conscious choice once I worked out how much it had harmed me and how harmful in general, and morally wrong it is to violate minds this way, I just thought it was normal to behave this way...even FUN! It's sick.
Once I learned more about how my fathers parents treated him as a child it became obvious why he was the way he was. I don't see narcissists as monsters, though they behave monstrously. They are people who are very fucked up and so damaged that they are closed off from their emotions and empathy and vulnerability that they have to hurt anyone who reminds them of this side of themselves which they see as weak. They are tragically so cut off from their souls and so lost in their own egos, and believe that false self to be their True selves.
It's also a contagious dis-ease. If you stay around people with this disorder you WILL become like them. They take your light and replace it with their darkness. It's creepy af.
@Scullery Maid YES!! They are evil demons truth be told!
There's a simple explaination: Evil. They are the seed of Satan..
@@eirikmurito it really feels like the come straight from hell when shit hits the fan
My wife gaslights me. When confronted, she says its me who is lying. She also called me a narcisist. Now i cant sleep as I hear ringig in my ears due to stress but she seems to be doing just fine.
I have a lot to learn, because if someone is avoiding responsibility, they might want us to change our actions more than they might change theirs. But we shouldn’t feel like our actions cause their negative actions. But if we don’t accept some of their criticism if we should change something, how can we expect them to accept some of ours as well? Shouldn’t we be a good example? A bit confused. I try to balance showing respect without allowing being disrespected.
Walking away. Sadly some therapists use this kind of manipulation. Imagine they know all your weeknesses and use it against you.
I've known what gaslighting is from 2013 so it's impossible to alter my perceptions. Albeit with induced pressure via attempted trauma induction it can be difficult to stay on track but all the same I always get mentally back on track fast
The simplest thing I ever found was to keep an accurate up to date journal. Noting what was said and done - kept her from twisting things around. Really, really made her mad - when she would say something happened and I would bring her into the office and show her the page I had written an accurate version on. She finally gave up and left....
Gaslighting = external factors are the cause. It is never the speaker's fault, involvement or even responsibility. Thee best tactic I have seen (and trying to find ways to remind myself) is to get another perspective. Asking someone I trust to tell the truth about my state, my logic, and my source of my thinking lets me see the forest, not the trees. Before I act, I want to make sure I am not just protecting my ego, but my sense of self.
The thing I most notice is that most "gaslighting" is really someone justifying their behavior. It's your fault, it's the logical action, they see nothing wrong with what they did. When a group/person/... tries to make you back their side at the expense of yourself, you need to ask a simple question. What do I get from following them? AND am I getting that or just a promise/delusion of someday, maybe, if it works...?
It's my older, only sister!
She used to be so sweet, and my biggest champion until about a year and a half ago when I moved back home and now live 5 doors down from her and her husband.
What is so confusing, is that she is sweet to me, like every other time we are together.
I cannot believe how mean she treats me on the "other" times.
This is exactly the information I was looking for - thankyou for a well put video. Im struggling with this at the moment and really appreciate the clarity youve provided
I've been doing the last one for years. Frist I thought they genuinly doesn't remember well I spent hours at a time trying to explain. Then I realized what was really going on and that they are lying, twisting the truth and trying to change in my mind what happened. I didn't go crazy, didn't start questioning myself because I KNEW how it was and I just got frustrated and angry all the time. And did what the last suggestion is in the video. It never worked. They have kept doing it. All. The. Time. It has just recently calmed down since I'm not trying to explain anything anymore and not even telling anything just end the conversation right away without showing any frustration. (The real deal is to actually get to the point where you don't just hide your frustration -as that is still narcissistic supply, because they know you are angry, genuine people cannot pretend - but truly not feel angry and frustrated from the inside)
My sister has always done this to me and I broke up with a guy who was really good at it. I didn't know what was going on but had a gut feeling that something wasn't right about him. The gut was right. Always listen to your gut instincts.
One classic is: "It's your fault that I can't control my actions." or "I told you to do X, but you did Y which caused me to Z".
I have physically left my home and went to nieces home...currently there are two people in my life that live with me. The first is my common law partner since 2004 and the second is my niece, who is homeless, and has drug issues as well as being in a recent relationship where she has been both gaslighter and victim of a narcissist which always ends up in violence on both sides. I am now her prime victim so much so that I have had to leave my home to get away. My partner pays all the household bills he provides for me I am disabled an unable to maintain my home without him I would end up homeless I was in counseling for three years and during that time I put a restraining order on him. When I went for help it was like your options are lose home and go into a shelter. Lose home home and become homeless...there was no help out there even thru the churches or government services being single no children being disabled. Left counseling went back with partner....being abused...with niece have had her here several times every time massive gaslighting on me had restraint order at one time...police and partner took her side...inside not her and friend kicking yelling screaming trying to kick door in break windows to get in the home because of a red duffle bag. Was inside with other niece and my two great niece and nephew...partner was outside with them and did nothing talking with them as if they had came to visit then when police came he walked to back of house. Police took her side until she accidentally told them I had a restraining order...so please tell me being disabled and unable to leave being on a fixed income is there really anyone or persons that would help...I don’t think so...now I am invisible because it’s safer for my mind....please help my name is ANNETTE CASTELLANOS my partners name is on my untuned...thank you
Thanks a lot Julia this video helped a lot!
Oh how girls open themselves for abuse...
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years😞. What a rollercoaster it's been.. I've never in my life felt so trapped and Lonely. He has mental ripped me apart💔.. I get the silent treatment all the time and blamed, ACCUSED of things I would never ever do.... He really has messed my mind up so bad I TRULY HATE HIM SO MUCH.. ITS CRAZY HOW HE CAN TREAT ME SO BAD BUT HE WONT LEAVE😞.. AT THIS POINT I HAVE NO MORE FIGHT INSIDE ME.. IDK PLEASE PRAY FOR ME GOD KNOWS I NEED IT SO BAD🙏. I USE TO BE A HAPPY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO WAS SO INDEPENDENT WHO LOVED LIFE💔😞. NOW I WALK AROUND LOOKING SO UGLY TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER WHICH SOMEHOW HE STILL PUTS ME DOWN... I NEED MY POWER BACK SO SO FRICKIN BAD
is that your bf in the picture
Does shaming, blaming, shunning, persecuting and stigmatizing fall in to this category too? I watched these in order but didn’t add this comment until now. Thank you for these videos on this way in which people interact, enormously helpful. After the amount of gaslighting I have been subject to- I have no problem standing my ground. But that creates problems with family too, they want to continue the subtle abuse evidently. So I walk away and they all feel superior.
It feels like I have been gas lit but I still question myself and wonder if I am just misremembering things.... and Im like, isn't this also a symptom of gas lighting? Anyway. Your videos have been helping to this very confused person. So thank you.
Sooooo good and perfect for what I’m going through right now. Oh man, so very powerful. Thank you Julia!
he's a gaslighteer, make you work hard, make you spend hard
Make you want all of his love
Hes a gaas liiighter, make you buy cars, make you cut cards
Wish you never ever met him at all
Hi there ma’am!! It is a blessing to be able to watch your vids almost everyday... it inspires me to have more control over my life.. thank you!
After years of therapy, I finally understand gaslighting.. Actually, I'm very very sensitive to this.. I recognize every little try. So, I either stay untouched or either stop conversation. Of course my gaslighter husband gets angry and says how selfish I am... bla bla... and plays the victim. So, it never ends... Of course, none in my family knows all these.. They think we are the perfect couple.. Do you believe that If I stay too strong he will eventually leave me??? I tried to leave him..he turned all against me.. of course.
What about if you know that someone you loved is being gaslighted? What can you do or say to help them see it?
I really feel like gaslighting is a huge factor of suicide.... I dealt with it
WiseOnes777 Same
Yea it is.....
Its the source of all this madness on this planet! Bond together brothers and sisters now is time
I had suicidal thoughts when married to my narc ex, depression and anxiety melted away after we separated. THAT was my sign,and I filed for divorce.
@@TurntUpShawtyTV amen
I would have considered going to couples therapy for things to work, but he has already called me crazy for implying he has been gaslighting me for years.
Say he picked up a ball that was blue and stated "This ball is red". Then I would say, " No, the ball is blue."
He would then say an instant later, "I never said the ball is red. Why would you think I would say the ball is red?"
Just a simple example, but conversations like this happen all the time with him.
Nichole Desalvo I’m going through the same thing with my wife. She will say something then when I say “you just said” and repeat her words back she will deny deny deny
Walking away and being confident with who you are really help when dealing with a gaslighter. However, it is more difficult to walk away when the gaslighter is a sibling or a parent/guardian, especially when you are young. In that case, knowing who you are and not get absorbed into their problems would help
Stop! Palm out like a traffic cop calmly saying Stop is my best approach.
Removed myself from the relationship.
My boundaries are for me, not others. When I am uncomfortable with someone, I do question myself to see if I have contributed to the situation. If it’s gaslighting or crazy-making, If honesty is unattainable from them, I will leave, and/or remove their contact information.
I’m 63 now. I have no time for these kinds of people with my years being limited.
Thanks Julia. Keep it coming!
I want to add a comment, because I've been gaslit by my narcissistic mother since, well, my whole life (until recently). The thing I did that worked for me, and I'm not saying it would for anyone else, was I put my mom on speaker phone during one of her explosive cursing at me/ insulting me/threatening to physically assault me rants.
(I'm not afraid of her, btw, I'm 44 years old and 6'4 and outweigh her by about 200 lbs since she's 78 and weighs about 110 lbs and is 5'0.) Also, her main vessel of physical abuse, my dad, died in 2012. She manipulated him into beating me. Now that he's gone, she's basically barks a lot but has no bite. Anyway, her usual is to throw these fits at me, then deny them when I bring them up around anyone else.
So, the last time she did this was about six months ago. My husband and adult son were with me at the time, and I let them both be audio-witnesses. When the rant was over, I asked was she done and she said, "Yes the h*ll I am." I said good, and explained I'd had her on speaker and my son and husband had heard her threaten me. She immediately walked it back and said, "That's not what I said and that's a d*mn lie." Well, that's her key phrase. She lies to me AND admits lying in one sentence. I'm not sure she realizes she's doing it, but she's pretty much done it for as long as I can remember, especially since my dad passed.
I reminded her she'd been on speaker with 2 witnesses and she changed her tone and apologized for getting bent out of shape and being so ugly over what was, essentially, a simple question about how to work a power tool I had borrowed from her.
Since that episode, she has lightened up on me considerably---and she bought a puppy to scream and yell at. Watching her interact with the dog is the cringiest thing ever; it's exactly how she treated me when I was growing up. She calls the dog's name 50-60 times every hour, just to get a reassurance the dog knows who she is, that she's "mama." Story of my life...wish I had time to tell you how my mom reacted to my first marriage and no longer having me under her roof. Utter nightmare is an understatement.