I loved ahsokas parts in the force trance. All of her interactions with the “good” nightsister. All of the retorts and comebacks felt sooo much more like tcw ahsoka than whatever the tv show gave us. Theres just a whimsical/snippy nature yet contemplative and wise aspect to her character that is so integral to her that without it she becomes any other nameless jedi
Interesting backstory so far for Baylan. In my version of the Ahsoka series, Baylan and Shin's backstory are this: Anakin met Baylan, who was a jedi Knight, very early in the Clone Wars. Before Anakin himself was knighted. Baylan had a padawan that he was greatly proud of and valued. He talks to Anakin about the importance of a master and apprentice relationship, which is the main theme for the series. This talk would foreshadow Anakin, eventually taking a padawan himself. Later in the war, we would have a similar case with Dooku and Qui-Gon talk about Obi-Wan, but it's Anakin and Baylan, who sparred many times in the temple, talk about Baylan's padawan and Ahsoka. When Order 66 came, instead of the master sacrificing themselves to save the padawan like what happened with Kanan/Billabs and Cal/Tapal, Baylan failed to save his padawan, who was killed by the clones. This caused Baylan to tap in the dark side and kill his entire legion. In shame for using the dark side and failing his padawan, Baylan decided he could not call himself a jedi anymore. Years later, an inquisitor was sent after force sensitive children as is part of their purpose. He was sent after a toddler Shin. The Inquisitor killed Shin's family, but before he could take her, Baylan arrived, who easily killed the Inquisitor. Shin asked Baylan if he was a jedi, but he responded that the jedi were gone and failed this galaxy. He offers to train her to become stronger and that one day, they would bring about a new beginning.
As someone who actually enjoyed the series, this is pretty awesome! I look forward to Part IV I actually at first was like oh great 28 minutes however after you said and that's it - it felt like 10 minutes lol - was really that good.
Thor, I have a Bachelor's in Screenwriting and I'm angling to join Lucasfilms to add my voice to the choir and help Filoni and the rest of the team keep Star Wars strong and beloved. I love your insightful videos (your comparison of Ahsoka to Picard Season 3 is a favorite of mine), and your rewrite here piqued my interest! You're introducing strong(er) character dynamics and motives, and you're establishing FAR better ties with previous material of TCW and Rebels, because a series shouldn't rely too much on the audience having prior knowledge of other series. The plot you're setting up has solid intrigue hooks and great consistency. It's given me a lot of food for thought going forward, and you have my heartfelt thanks. But as for my professional critique for your later videos, I'd also say that your dialogue (while still of good quality and very in-character!) would have to be trimmed down and refined before a studio could use it. Movie and television scripts do not have the same freedoms as a book does, and this feels much more like a Star Wars novel. A fundamental rule is that dialogue lines are not meant to take more than five lines (script-paragraph lines, not sentences) before moving to another character's dialogue, and even that is stretching it. "One page equals one minute." And the conversations in this third video took up almost 25 minutes in total. Furthermore, most conversations cannot last more than a few short minutes before moving on or switching to another scene, because that affects the cinematic experience. It's a tricky balance, I know, to keep the lines short yet full of meaning and impact. One example, most of the heart-to-heart dialogue and lore-background with the white-robed Nightsister was, in my opinion, unnecessary at this point in the plot and could've been saved for when Ahsoka later "finds her" on Dathomir. Keeping their conversation short and cryptic would make for a better hook to draw more anticipation for their next meeting. A few last points, a Star Wars plot always needs an abundance of action, tension, and/or spectacle, one of the few things the Ahsoka series did right. And I'm also not crazy about Sabine losing her hand, that's too associated with the Skywalker family. There are other ways to give a crippling blow, like when Kanan lost his eyes. And while I certainly approve of putting more emphasis on the Nightsisters than the Ahsoka series gave them, don't forget to give plenty of the spotlight to the Empire, thus keeping the implications of Thrawn's return as a credible threat. I hope this constructive critique helps! Good luck and happy writing! I look forward to what comes next!
It is nice to read constructive critiques. I'm not a screenwriter but I'm very curious to know more about these fundamental rules to understand how most films are written. Beside Andor, I don't think any star wars have a Thor style of dialoge. And that's why I anjoy this content so much. It is not created for television, but for youtube, so I don't think it should necessarely fall under rules for television. Or star wars. I believe in the prison break ark in Andor, only the last episode had action and spectacle. The genius is someone who can break the rules and make something new, like Lucas. If you're a freshly graduated screenwriter get some experience first but don't always follow the rules, this is hopefully a constructive advice from someone older than you.
Can we get a semi recap before each chapter? Think “find out next week on dragon ball z” type of voice over quickly recapping last events? 😂 Not that we wont rewatch/review the previous episodes, but still itd feel fun and complete 😂
Very cool and interesting continuation of the story. I love it. I am invested in it. I am glad you took your time to rethink it and you chose to deviate considerably from most of the concepts from the show. You should make the story your way, as you say let the story develop naturally instead of making sure that you follow pre-established key points that you don't see as best for the story. (We definitely don't need another galaxy just for the sake of another galaxy.) I am eager to hear the 4th and all the following parts of the story, cause the story is good and interesting. But don't hurry with continuations just to make some deadlines for us your listeners. We will be hear whenever you are ready to publish next part, you just take your writing process through all the steps it usually takes in order to be creative without the outside pressures. Just follow your creative instincts and keep up the great work as always, and we will be patient and ready to hear it when it's time again. Thank you a lot for all the great work and effort you have done so far on this story and on this channel, and provided me with great perfect entertainment for few years now. Cheers!🫡
I'm late to the rewrite of the Ahsoka series, but SO thankful I'm finally tuning in! This Star Wars fan is enjoying your story. I appreciate the connections you are writing with Rebels, The Clone Wars, and even the Thrawn books. While waiting for the next episode, I'll listen to 1, 2 and 3 for the third time. Thanks much! MTFBWY
bro this version of the show has much better pacing. so much happens in less than 30 minutes, i can’t believe how short it is compared to the Disney+ version.
Great story! This is much better than what we got, that's for sure. Well thought out. My favorite part is when Ezra turned the tables on Sabine. Probably my least favorite part is Sabine resisting help with her severed hand, but at least it's plausible.
I Just want to say, I have been really enjoying this so far! As one of the many fans who was kinda disappointed by the actual TV show (I mean, yeah, there were some good moments, but for the most part, it didn't stick the landing), I have found this to be very well done, both with Lore-building and with just keeping the audience entertained. Even if this isn't your most popular series, I can always appreciate it when a fellow writer puts out a story that is of his/her own design, not really caring what others say or think. I hope you continue this story! Disney should really hire you to work for LucasFilm! I look forward to the next video, and seeing where Ahsoka, Sabine, and Huyang head off to next! Also, as a huge fan of Rebels, I really hope you include Zeb! That was one of the most frustrating parts of the show, with him being absent, although I'm sure you've already though of that! 😉
I really enjoyed Part 3 and Ahsoka ending up on this strange universe made up of witches from Dathomire. I was sad Sabine lost her hand, can't wait for more and if they find Ezra
So intriguing. Somehow I missed your video for part 2, but this was enough to let me fill in what happened earlier. Are you sure you aren't a script writer? David could've used your help. Looking forwarding to the next installment.
I could see every scene in my head. I could here their voices. this is amazing and it serves as a reminder of how mid the show was. please keep going with this.
Hey Thor, (i know this isn't a lightning response video, but just putting it here to get Thor's attention 😅) Do you think the Force should even exist outside the main Star Wars Galaxy, as shown in Ahsoka? And if it should exist, should something in its manifestation or mechanics of the powers of Force wielders change significantly from the way it works in the main galaxy? I completely lost immersion and interest in Ahsoka series once we saw that the Force basically works the same even in this other galaxy as my understanding was that the Force was unique to the galaxy of Star Wars. Your thoughts will be most appreciated, thanks!
Yeah Thor, not only should you rename the past one but please please make a playlist, it's not easy to have to click on every part when I'm on my phone.
Part One: th-cam.com/video/NFbRT0CaR8M/w-d-xo.html
Part Two: th-cam.com/video/UdS2lyIC-TI/w-d-xo.html
Hej Thor, where is part 4???
-from Retro Mila (2024)
I loved ahsokas parts in the force trance. All of her interactions with the “good” nightsister. All of the retorts and comebacks felt sooo much more like tcw ahsoka than whatever the tv show gave us.
Theres just a whimsical/snippy nature yet contemplative and wise aspect to her character that is so integral to her that without it she becomes any other nameless jedi
When a common TH-camr like Thor Skywalker makes more sense than the people at the billion dollar corporation.
He’s rare :)
His agenda is good writing therefore it's easy in these times... But yeah he is good
Not so common…
Interesting backstory so far for Baylan. In my version of the Ahsoka series, Baylan and Shin's backstory are this:
Anakin met Baylan, who was a jedi Knight, very early in the Clone Wars. Before Anakin himself was knighted. Baylan had a padawan that he was greatly proud of and valued. He talks to Anakin about the importance of a master and apprentice relationship, which is the main theme for the series. This talk would foreshadow Anakin, eventually taking a padawan himself.
Later in the war, we would have a similar case with Dooku and Qui-Gon talk about Obi-Wan, but it's Anakin and Baylan, who sparred many times in the temple, talk about Baylan's padawan and Ahsoka.
When Order 66 came, instead of the master sacrificing themselves to save the padawan like what happened with Kanan/Billabs and Cal/Tapal, Baylan failed to save his padawan, who was killed by the clones. This caused Baylan to tap in the dark side and kill his entire legion. In shame for using the dark side and failing his padawan, Baylan decided he could not call himself a jedi anymore.
Years later, an inquisitor was sent after force sensitive children as is part of their purpose. He was sent after a toddler Shin. The Inquisitor killed Shin's family, but before he could take her, Baylan arrived, who easily killed the Inquisitor. Shin asked Baylan if he was a jedi, but he responded that the jedi were gone and failed this galaxy. He offers to train her to become stronger and that one day, they would bring about a new beginning.
Nice
Instantly better than what breadcrumbs we got
As someone who actually enjoyed the series, this is pretty awesome! I look forward to Part IV
I actually at first was like oh great 28 minutes however after you said and that's it - it felt like 10 minutes lol - was really that good.
Thor, I have a Bachelor's in Screenwriting and I'm angling to join Lucasfilms to add my voice to the choir and help Filoni and the rest of the team keep Star Wars strong and beloved. I love your insightful videos (your comparison of Ahsoka to Picard Season 3 is a favorite of mine), and your rewrite here piqued my interest! You're introducing strong(er) character dynamics and motives, and you're establishing FAR better ties with previous material of TCW and Rebels, because a series shouldn't rely too much on the audience having prior knowledge of other series. The plot you're setting up has solid intrigue hooks and great consistency. It's given me a lot of food for thought going forward, and you have my heartfelt thanks.
But as for my professional critique for your later videos, I'd also say that your dialogue (while still of good quality and very in-character!) would have to be trimmed down and refined before a studio could use it. Movie and television scripts do not have the same freedoms as a book does, and this feels much more like a Star Wars novel. A fundamental rule is that dialogue lines are not meant to take more than five lines (script-paragraph lines, not sentences) before moving to another character's dialogue, and even that is stretching it. "One page equals one minute." And the conversations in this third video took up almost 25 minutes in total. Furthermore, most conversations cannot last more than a few short minutes before moving on or switching to another scene, because that affects the cinematic experience. It's a tricky balance, I know, to keep the lines short yet full of meaning and impact. One example, most of the heart-to-heart dialogue and lore-background with the white-robed Nightsister was, in my opinion, unnecessary at this point in the plot and could've been saved for when Ahsoka later "finds her" on Dathomir. Keeping their conversation short and cryptic would make for a better hook to draw more anticipation for their next meeting.
A few last points, a Star Wars plot always needs an abundance of action, tension, and/or spectacle, one of the few things the Ahsoka series did right. And I'm also not crazy about Sabine losing her hand, that's too associated with the Skywalker family. There are other ways to give a crippling blow, like when Kanan lost his eyes. And while I certainly approve of putting more emphasis on the Nightsisters than the Ahsoka series gave them, don't forget to give plenty of the spotlight to the Empire, thus keeping the implications of Thrawn's return as a credible threat.
I hope this constructive critique helps! Good luck and happy writing! I look forward to what comes next!
It is nice to read constructive critiques. I'm not a screenwriter but I'm very curious to know more about these fundamental rules to understand how most films are written. Beside Andor, I don't think any star wars have a Thor style of dialoge. And that's why I anjoy this content so much. It is not created for television, but for youtube, so I don't think it should necessarely fall under rules for television. Or star wars. I believe in the prison break ark in Andor, only the last episode had action and spectacle. The genius is someone who can break the rules and make something new, like Lucas. If you're a freshly graduated screenwriter get some experience first but don't always follow the rules, this is hopefully a constructive advice from someone older than you.
Can we get a semi recap before each chapter? Think “find out next week on dragon ball z” type of voice over quickly recapping last events? 😂
Not that we wont rewatch/review the previous episodes, but still itd feel fun and complete 😂
This is very intriguing and much more coherent than the actual show. Hope to see Part IV soon!
Very cool and interesting continuation of the story. I love it. I am invested in it.
I am glad you took your time to rethink it and you chose to deviate considerably from most of the concepts from the show. You should make the story your way, as you say let the story develop naturally instead of making sure that you follow pre-established key points that you don't see as best for the story. (We definitely don't need another galaxy just for the sake of another galaxy.)
I am eager to hear the 4th and all the following parts of the story, cause the story is good and interesting. But don't hurry with continuations just to make some deadlines for us your listeners.
We will be hear whenever you are ready to publish next part, you just take your writing process through all the steps it usually takes in order to be creative without the outside pressures.
Just follow your creative instincts and keep up the great work as always, and we will be patient and ready to hear it when it's time again.
Thank you a lot for all the great work and effort you have done so far on this story and on this channel, and provided me with great perfect entertainment for few years now.
Cheers!🫡
I’ve been enjoying your rewrite.
Amazing. You’ve made me like Baylan even more. Very enjoyable! Keep up the great work, Thor! Glad you are going to be doing more creative videos.
I'm late to the rewrite of the Ahsoka series, but SO thankful I'm finally tuning in! This Star Wars fan is enjoying your story. I appreciate the connections you are writing with Rebels, The Clone Wars, and even the Thrawn books. While waiting for the next episode, I'll listen to 1, 2 and 3 for the third time. Thanks much! MTFBWY
bro this version of the show has much better pacing. so much happens in less than 30 minutes, i can’t believe how short it is compared to the Disney+ version.
Great story! This is much better than what we got, that's for sure. Well thought out. My favorite part is when Ezra turned the tables on Sabine. Probably my least favorite part is Sabine resisting help with her severed hand, but at least it's plausible.
I Just want to say, I have been really enjoying this so far! As one of the many fans who was kinda disappointed by the actual TV show (I mean, yeah, there were some good moments, but for the most part, it didn't stick the landing), I have found this to be very well done, both with Lore-building and with just keeping the audience entertained. Even if this isn't your most popular series, I can always appreciate it when a fellow writer puts out a story that is of his/her own design, not really caring what others say or think. I hope you continue this story! Disney should really hire you to work for LucasFilm! I look forward to the next video, and seeing where Ahsoka, Sabine, and Huyang head off to next! Also, as a huge fan of Rebels, I really hope you include Zeb! That was one of the most frustrating parts of the show, with him being absent, although I'm sure you've already though of that! 😉
I really liked it! Please continue to write this story, we need it!
It could be that the Dathomiri woman in the vision was Mother Talzin appearing as a younger woman
Outstanding. Keep it coming Thor!
I really enjoyed Part 3 and Ahsoka ending up on this strange universe made up of witches from Dathomire. I was sad Sabine lost her hand, can't wait for more and if they find Ezra
Losing a hand seems to be a trademark in Star Wars
Where is part 4?
So intriguing. Somehow I missed your video for part 2, but this was enough to let me fill in what happened earlier. Are you sure you aren't a script writer? David could've used your help. Looking forwarding to the next installment.
This has been great so far,keep it up!
Unknown regions - chiss and Ezra team up.
My dude, you should’ve written the series. I know hindsight is 20/20, but this would’ve created new Star Wars fans
I think with these rewrites there will be less long pauses between reactions between character beats lol
Definitely put all these parts into one big video when you're done
Genius as always!
A good story so far. If I were to guess. Baylan expects to die in pursuit of this power. In a matter of speaking, he's behind her -- but not alive.
Please Thor, keep it going!
Where is the rest of the story? Don’t leave us in suspense!!
I could see every scene in my head. I could here their voices. this is amazing and it serves as a reminder of how mid the show was. please keep going with this.
Yay! Thank you
These 2 antagonists re-written (jedi & padawan) are even better than the best part of OG Ahsoka, the 2 antagonists.
Still waiting on you to finish the kenobi rewrite I was really into it then you just stop what happen to that
Sooo goood!
Hey Thor, (i know this isn't a lightning response video, but just putting it here to get Thor's attention 😅)
Do you think the Force should even exist outside the main Star Wars Galaxy, as shown in Ahsoka? And if it should exist, should something in its manifestation or mechanics of the powers of Force wielders change significantly from the way it works in the main galaxy?
I completely lost immersion and interest in Ahsoka series once we saw that the Force basically works the same even in this other galaxy as my understanding was that the Force was unique to the galaxy of Star Wars.
Your thoughts will be most appreciated, thanks!
Thors version of events are my Star Wars canon.
Interesting as ever!
When are we gonna see fully balanced Anakin Skywalker??
Great video
Yeah Thor, not only should you rename the past one but please please make a playlist, it's not easy to have to click on every part when I'm on my phone.
that was rad ❤