4:35 obviously my not-disabled brother also has a disabled sibling (and possibly two if you count me as disabled now, based on my non-functioning in the world???) 18:45 I got a bit distracted from the topic of dissociating in church lol, I used to imagine some dark imagery while attending mass, probably a bit of a schizoid thing to do but it also ties into my feelings of not entirely being myself, the dark part of me that lead to this channel being called "DestroyerMariko". Even though I didn't belive anymore, I guess my mind maybe took on the idea of being damned or something and ran with it. No I'm not going to tell you what I imagined, not yet anyway. 22:57 I was talking about the concept of hell as "separation from god" and how being a reluctant atheist really did feel like that. No matter how much I wanted to, I was too honest with myself to pretend to still believe in something my brain had rejected based on logic and evidence. So there wasn't a god anymore, and I was in hell... but in hindsight, the real reason I felt I was in hell was that my life wasn't actually going well and my emotional needs were not being met. I just didn't really understand it at the time, and the only times I got close and tried to speak up, I was immediately shut down and dismissed. Side note: I think there's an episode of Angel or Buffy where they take an elevator down to hell and they just end up on earth. I felt that, hard lol. And honestly, life is still hell, I just don't pine for a god or higher purpose anymore.
14:52 "I was not a willing atheist" hits very close to home. A lot of christian people/religious people seem to think that atheists 'choose' not to believe in god, whereas in reality you cannot control what you believe or what you are convinced by. For me I wished I was religious like my family and for a while I pretended, but that takes its toll too. There is defo some kind of psychological abandonment and loneliness that comes with being an atheist in a religious dominated family or community. In terms of the 'successful relatives' I think its a bit of a positive feedback loop. Being christian gives them family and community support and hope of heaven and love from god. This keeps them happy motivated and mentally healthy which allows them to work hard and progress well in life. Being in a good position in life makes it easier to believe in god etc. I also think we may be kind of presupposing christian ideals when we talk about 'success'. If we define success in life as getting married, the husband working hard and earning money, the wife having kids, buying a house (basically creating the nuclear family). Whereas I think any lifestyle a person choses, as long as they arent harming anyone, is equally valid. To me your situation sounds complicated and there were probably many factors which led to your angst at the time. (ofc I dont know you apologies so Im just going off this vid). While its definitely possible that atheism was the lens through which you framed the other emotions and trauma you had at the time, I dont think you should discredit the impact that actually being an atheist had on your wellbeing. And yeah just wanna say that I wouldnt view u as unsuccesful. Success is a very internal and individual thing. If you are doing the things you want to do, or find valuable then thats a success
Thanks for an actually intelligent comment!! Never mind atheism, being a TH-camr really tests me sometimes hahaha 😭 Unfortunately for me, I have what's turned out to be severe mental illness, so 1) it's hard to know what I even want, and 2) even harder to achive much when I do think I want something. I've had a lot of small successes in life, but I wouldn't call myself successful if that makes sense. I didn't choose this lifestyle, it's just all I can manage. I know I come across as chirpy in my videos sometimes though haha, it's probably another defence mechanism tbh! 😅
can't attest anything personally as i never had any strong religious convictions, but watched a few ex-christian atheists on yt and never heard them say their deconversions were particularly easy or "freeing" but quite the opposite. i think it's prolly just a lame stereotype pushed by propaganda like "look at this atheist angry at god they "supposedly" don't believe in, lololo" (as if having opinions about fictional characters is something unique to atheists and not literally everyone) also, wow, 16 years on yt and still going. mad respect, i can't even finish half of the games i play. also also, some szpd stuff apparently? not somthn i purposefully look for, but cool, i'll stick around for that
It might depend on what variant of Christianity you're looking at. Some shun people when they leave, so yeah it's tough for those who lose their faith. But others don't suffer that type of consequence, and just felt restricted by the rules, so when they stop believing, they feel more free. Might be more relevant for LGBT types too, who were told forever that they were wrong, but no longer had that hanging over them once they stopped believing. That doesn't mean the atheists were angry at a non-existent god, they just felt stifled by these rules that were obviously invented by other humans. Yeah I did take a long break from TH-cam back when, and also deleted a HEAP of videos that I've now lost forever, but there's still a chunk of older stuff around. I've been back posting more regularly since around 2016 maybe. And yeah I have a lot of videos about schizoid if you wanna search my older stuff, plus other mental health issues. My channel is honestly chaos. I refuse to pick a niche, the only niche is whatever my brain is up to this time haha!
I feel like I might share my own experience as well I grew up in a family with orthodox christian background. I read the Bible as a child and went to local church every sunday but it didn't strike me as somethting significant, I did go to a sunday school but because of my young age (around 6 years) those who worked here didn't really demand anything from me so my interest in religion was more like well-meaning scientific one rather than spiritual. As I grew older I grew more distant from church, even when some of my classmates went to church to light up the candles before the exams I just went with self-assuredness so to speak. Of course, after entering adolescence and my weird Dostoyevsky bookreading binge, I had to reevaluate my beliefs once again but still I couldn't bring myself to anything other than spirituality. Now I don't claim to be an agnostic or an atheist but I do incline more towards the former, especially after studying anarchism as a political thought and philosophy. The last episode I would emphasize would probably be the debates that we had at out discussion club in university where the subject was on whether religion and science were to go along with each other or actually be separated. There was an orthofox priest and a dean of the physics and mathematics faculty, and after giving my opinion on the subject they both agreed with me actually which made me surprised, it did boost my vanity, but I suppose that if it hadn't been for the debates between the students themselves I would have just ended the debate without even starting it. Thank you
By the way your mentioning of the book of Job is interesting consideting the fact that Dostoyevsky was obsessed with it, he even mentions it in his books, I think that's why his characters are so mentally broken, like Ivan Karamazov who is interested in theology and religion and appears to be have a very sharp mind but is unable to find proper use to it since he doesn't believe in God but is instead visited by a devil in a fever dream.
I grew up protestant but our family stopped going when I was around 12. I've been predominately agnostic since then. I think there are certain things our tiny brains can't fully comprehend or grasp, and there's likely some higher power and purpose to life. I cannot prove or disprove this theory, it's based on speculation and faith.
Is there a higher power/purpose? Or is that just our tiny brains grasping at straws because we struggle to fully comprehend that we're just the result of a quirk of physics in an expanse of eternity that means nothing but the meaning we give it ourselves?
@@DestroyerMariko Germane to your point but it may depend how we define a higher power. Some find it in nature, which we are inextricably part of. Some find it in concepts such an interconnectedness of life, or a universal consciousness. It's not necessarily a theist orthodoxy which is a balm to the wounds of living. There might be some as yet undiscovered purpose to life but, even if there isn't, we may as well find some meaning to help us cope with the pain. I say this as someone whose made an apparently successful life over 3 decades after a teenage diagnosis of SPD (never quite bought into it as I'm more autistic) and found my life collapsing again just a few months ago. So I have to find the possibility of future joy, remembering joyful days past, in order to rebuild.
@@DestroyerMariko Germane to your point but it may depend how we define a higher power. Some find it in nature, which we are inextricably part of. Some find it in concepts such an interconnectedness of life, or a universal consciousness. It's not necessarily a theist orthodoxy which is a balm to the wounds of living. There might be some as yet undiscovered purpose to life but, even if there isn't, we may as well find some meaning to help us cope with the pain. I say this as someone whose made an apparently successful life over 3 decades after a teenage diagnosis of SPD (never quite bought into it as I'm more autistic) and found my life collapsing again just a few months ago. So I have to find the possibility of future joy, remembering joyful days past, in order to rebuild.
There is something entirely creepy about the entirety of the spiritual world, but I'm more of a Constantine figure than a devout. It's like from the moment I was born, I was hellspawn. I always loved to play with fire - was an altar boy (hurray get to light the candles at mass). Can never stop smoking. Been confirmed, christened, born again, ashes on head communion - doesn't take. I am definitely destined to burn, but the majority of Christians don't believe that. Thing is, I have been arcane all my life too, during a lightning storm before tech was everywhere I had a "sleep paralysis" experience, saw a creepy pilgrim looking dude next to my bed (Pine Barrens in NJ) - was only a teen. Happened again later in life, different dude. Then you find out about demons, and how they are allowed to come "tempt" man which to me makes the entire system of judgment null and void because it's clearly manipulation. Really if you read the bargain, it's all master/servant - you're not signing up to be free, but be a servant - that's slave talk. All this talk of soul exchanges - seriously I get why Yoko and John Lennon's son's wife calls this God's Heavy Petting Zoo. But unfortunately, it's real and miserable but since it resembles the Earth not surprised. Right now Satan is trying to suck us all into the ether(net) with the inter(net) which is the world wide web (Spider/ensnare) - what all the Meta stuff is about, AI, blah blah. When you know, you just know, and especially after 2020 (the Guilty Crown event - Corona or See Ovid), I can connect almost every dot. So I have to message this stuff for the powers that be, but like I'm damned and there's absolutely no way this believe and you're free is real - I feel my soul was already under contract likely due to my father flying napalm missions (refueling) during Vietnam because I get a lot of Eastern callings - like - hey boy, I'm gonna get you - you're mine (All my life).
Help is available for schizophrenia, psychosis, and similar... this is the Aussie site but it has some good information regardless www.sane.org/spotlight-on/schizophrenia
@@DestroyerMariko Well, if there is a entity that is present to some with conscience but not the rest, i guess that would be like life without love.. like it´s helps to forget something one needs but can´t have.
4:35 obviously my not-disabled brother also has a disabled sibling (and possibly two if you count me as disabled now, based on my non-functioning in the world???)
18:45 I got a bit distracted from the topic of dissociating in church lol, I used to imagine some dark imagery while attending mass, probably a bit of a schizoid thing to do but it also ties into my feelings of not entirely being myself, the dark part of me that lead to this channel being called "DestroyerMariko". Even though I didn't belive anymore, I guess my mind maybe took on the idea of being damned or something and ran with it. No I'm not going to tell you what I imagined, not yet anyway.
22:57 I was talking about the concept of hell as "separation from god" and how being a reluctant atheist really did feel like that. No matter how much I wanted to, I was too honest with myself to pretend to still believe in something my brain had rejected based on logic and evidence. So there wasn't a god anymore, and I was in hell... but in hindsight, the real reason I felt I was in hell was that my life wasn't actually going well and my emotional needs were not being met. I just didn't really understand it at the time, and the only times I got close and tried to speak up, I was immediately shut down and dismissed.
Side note: I think there's an episode of Angel or Buffy where they take an elevator down to hell and they just end up on earth. I felt that, hard lol. And honestly, life is still hell, I just don't pine for a god or higher purpose anymore.
14:52 "I was not a willing atheist" hits very close to home. A lot of christian people/religious people seem to think that atheists 'choose' not to believe in god, whereas in reality you cannot control what you believe or what you are convinced by. For me I wished I was religious like my family and for a while I pretended, but that takes its toll too. There is defo some kind of psychological abandonment and loneliness that comes with being an atheist in a religious dominated family or community.
In terms of the 'successful relatives' I think its a bit of a positive feedback loop. Being christian gives them family and community support and hope of heaven and love from god. This keeps them happy motivated and mentally healthy which allows them to work hard and progress well in life. Being in a good position in life makes it easier to believe in god etc. I also think we may be kind of presupposing christian ideals when we talk about 'success'. If we define success in life as getting married, the husband working hard and earning money, the wife having kids, buying a house (basically creating the nuclear family). Whereas I think any lifestyle a person choses, as long as they arent harming anyone, is equally valid.
To me your situation sounds complicated and there were probably many factors which led to your angst at the time. (ofc I dont know you apologies so Im just going off this vid). While its definitely possible that atheism was the lens through which you framed the other emotions and trauma you had at the time, I dont think you should discredit the impact that actually being an atheist had on your wellbeing. And yeah just wanna say that I wouldnt view u as unsuccesful. Success is a very internal and individual thing. If you are doing the things you want to do, or find valuable then thats a success
Thanks for an actually intelligent comment!! Never mind atheism, being a TH-camr really tests me sometimes hahaha 😭
Unfortunately for me, I have what's turned out to be severe mental illness, so 1) it's hard to know what I even want, and 2) even harder to achive much when I do think I want something. I've had a lot of small successes in life, but I wouldn't call myself successful if that makes sense. I didn't choose this lifestyle, it's just all I can manage. I know I come across as chirpy in my videos sometimes though haha, it's probably another defence mechanism tbh! 😅
can't attest anything personally as i never had any strong religious convictions, but watched a few ex-christian atheists on yt and never heard them say their deconversions were particularly easy or "freeing" but quite the opposite. i think it's prolly just a lame stereotype pushed by propaganda like "look at this atheist angry at god they "supposedly" don't believe in, lololo" (as if having opinions about fictional characters is something unique to atheists and not literally everyone)
also, wow, 16 years on yt and still going. mad respect, i can't even finish half of the games i play. also also, some szpd stuff apparently? not somthn i purposefully look for, but cool, i'll stick around for that
It might depend on what variant of Christianity you're looking at. Some shun people when they leave, so yeah it's tough for those who lose their faith. But others don't suffer that type of consequence, and just felt restricted by the rules, so when they stop believing, they feel more free. Might be more relevant for LGBT types too, who were told forever that they were wrong, but no longer had that hanging over them once they stopped believing. That doesn't mean the atheists were angry at a non-existent god, they just felt stifled by these rules that were obviously invented by other humans.
Yeah I did take a long break from TH-cam back when, and also deleted a HEAP of videos that I've now lost forever, but there's still a chunk of older stuff around. I've been back posting more regularly since around 2016 maybe. And yeah I have a lot of videos about schizoid if you wanna search my older stuff, plus other mental health issues. My channel is honestly chaos. I refuse to pick a niche, the only niche is whatever my brain is up to this time haha!
I feel like I might share my own experience as well
I grew up in a family with orthodox christian background. I read the Bible as a child and went to local church every sunday but it didn't strike me as somethting significant, I did go to a sunday school but because of my young age (around 6 years) those who worked here didn't really demand anything from me so my interest in religion was more like well-meaning scientific one rather than spiritual. As I grew older I grew more distant from church, even when some of my classmates went to church to light up the candles before the exams I just went with self-assuredness so to speak. Of course, after entering adolescence and my weird Dostoyevsky bookreading binge, I had to reevaluate my beliefs once again but still I couldn't bring myself to anything other than spirituality. Now I don't claim to be an agnostic or an atheist but I do incline more towards the former, especially after studying anarchism as a political thought and philosophy. The last episode I would emphasize would probably be the debates that we had at out discussion club in university where the subject was on whether religion and science were to go along with each other or actually be separated. There was an orthofox priest and a dean of the physics and mathematics faculty, and after giving my opinion on the subject they both agreed with me actually which made me surprised, it did boost my vanity, but I suppose that if it hadn't been for the debates between the students themselves I would have just ended the debate without even starting it.
Thank you
By the way your mentioning of the book of Job is interesting consideting the fact that Dostoyevsky was obsessed with it, he even mentions it in his books, I think that's why his characters are so mentally broken, like Ivan Karamazov who is interested in theology and religion and appears to be have a very sharp mind but is unable to find proper use to it since he doesn't believe in God but is instead visited by a devil in a fever dream.
I grew up protestant but our family stopped going when I was around 12. I've been predominately agnostic since then. I think there are certain things our tiny brains can't fully comprehend or grasp, and there's likely some higher power and purpose to life. I cannot prove or disprove this theory, it's based on speculation and faith.
Is there a higher power/purpose? Or is that just our tiny brains grasping at straws because we struggle to fully comprehend that we're just the result of a quirk of physics in an expanse of eternity that means nothing but the meaning we give it ourselves?
@@DestroyerMariko Germane to your point but it may depend how we define a higher power. Some find it in nature, which we are inextricably part of. Some find it in concepts such an interconnectedness of life, or a universal consciousness. It's not necessarily a theist orthodoxy which is a balm to the wounds of living. There might be some as yet undiscovered purpose to life but, even if there isn't, we may as well find some meaning to help us cope with the pain.
I say this as someone whose made an apparently successful life over 3 decades after a teenage diagnosis of SPD (never quite bought into it as I'm more autistic) and found my life collapsing again just a few months ago. So I have to find the possibility of future joy, remembering joyful days past, in order to rebuild.
@@DestroyerMariko Germane to your point but it may depend how we define a higher power. Some find it in nature, which we are inextricably part of. Some find it in concepts such an interconnectedness of life, or a universal consciousness. It's not necessarily a theist orthodoxy which is a balm to the wounds of living. There might be some as yet undiscovered purpose to life but, even if there isn't, we may as well find some meaning to help us cope with the pain.
I say this as someone whose made an apparently successful life over 3 decades after a teenage diagnosis of SPD (never quite bought into it as I'm more autistic) and found my life collapsing again just a few months ago. So I have to find the possibility of future joy, remembering joyful days past, in order to rebuild.
There is something entirely creepy about the entirety of the spiritual world, but I'm more of a Constantine figure than a devout. It's like from the moment I was born, I was hellspawn. I always loved to play with fire - was an altar boy (hurray get to light the candles at mass). Can never stop smoking. Been confirmed, christened, born again, ashes on head communion - doesn't take. I am definitely destined to burn, but the majority of Christians don't believe that. Thing is, I have been arcane all my life too, during a lightning storm before tech was everywhere I had a "sleep paralysis" experience, saw a creepy pilgrim looking dude next to my bed (Pine Barrens in NJ) - was only a teen. Happened again later in life, different dude. Then you find out about demons, and how they are allowed to come "tempt" man which to me makes the entire system of judgment null and void because it's clearly manipulation. Really if you read the bargain, it's all master/servant - you're not signing up to be free, but be a servant - that's slave talk. All this talk of soul exchanges - seriously I get why Yoko and John Lennon's son's wife calls this God's Heavy Petting Zoo. But unfortunately, it's real and miserable but since it resembles the Earth not surprised. Right now Satan is trying to suck us all into the ether(net) with the inter(net) which is the world wide web (Spider/ensnare) - what all the Meta stuff is about, AI, blah blah. When you know, you just know, and especially after 2020 (the Guilty Crown event - Corona or See Ovid), I can connect almost every dot. So I have to message this stuff for the powers that be, but like I'm damned and there's absolutely no way this believe and you're free is real - I feel my soul was already under contract likely due to my father flying napalm missions (refueling) during Vietnam because I get a lot of Eastern callings - like - hey boy, I'm gonna get you - you're mine (All my life).
Help is available for schizophrenia, psychosis, and similar... this is the Aussie site but it has some good information regardless www.sane.org/spotlight-on/schizophrenia
I guess it´s convenient not to believe in god, than other possibility being alone.
Convenient?? 🤨
@@DestroyerMariko Well, if there is a entity that is present to some with conscience but not the rest, i guess that would be like life without love.. like it´s helps to forget something one needs but can´t have.
You make no sense
Hi i am Lutheran.
Are we polling my viewers for their beliefs now? 😅 What could possibly go wrong! :D
Hi lutheran, I'm dad.
@DestroyerMariko No I think that it is freaking awesome that you are Catholic.
I'm not Catholic anymore, and haven't been for a very long time. I'm a rusted on atheist at this point.
@@DestroyerMariko oh I didn't know that. Sorry. I must have misunderstood your video.
Be fruitful and multiply
😭