I’m 59 just came out of a 6 yr relationship with a narcissist just figured out that my mom is narc and I am scapegoat of family also have a hard time forgiving myself for bad choices 🌈🌈God bless you 🌈🌈and thank you for your videos very calming and soothing
40 or so years ago I came across a photo of me at about 6 weeks old, recovering from a severe illness. I remember staring at it for a couple of minutes before, in my mind, I heard someone (me, I suppose) say *grab the baby and run* The mother in me wanted/needed to rescue that innocent baby girl who I didn’t even see as me til years later.
Thank you. My Mother was BPD. My childhood was awful. I started typing my story and re read what I had typed and deleted it. Too awful to tell. Thank you, I am learning so much from your videos. Thank you!!
I've always thought I'd write a book about my life bc it's so horrible no one would believe it. Now I know most people would believe it, and that's even worse. I'm now journaling thanks to Dr Sage 💚
Thank you for honoring how hard it is to overcome childhood trauma, even if when had to limp and crawl into adulthood. No one has ever done that for me before and I'm bawling my eyes out 💗
Hi Kim, Forgiving myself for, that which I could not control. !!!! Situations, that I didn't bring on myself.. Situations that were imposed on me... Pain inflicted on me.. The same for anyone else..?. Cliff..
Thank you so much for your wonderful videos. I would love more info on anger. It seems like the BPDs have no trouble releasing their anger on whoever they feel wronged them. But to express anger to the BPD, you become the focus of their wrath. Anger becomes this scary/dangerous emotion. I dont know how to deal with the anger i feel towards to my bpd parent and how to deal with anger as an emotion, because it was never taught. Anger seems to be a scary emotion and a dangerous emotion when the BPD expressed it. Now it is an all or nothing feeling it is felt too much or stored and not dealt with. I would love more into! Thank you for your videos they are a great source of peace and understanding.
This is such a great video. Thank you❤. Just when I think I am at a place of forgiving myself, I get this little whisper in my soul that says: by forgiving yourself you are minimizing the damage to your children. It’s horrible. I sometimes feel like I have to carry the guilt as an albatross of shame to help my children. I just don’t ever ever want them to forget that I am so sorry I brought such a monster and so much chaos into their precious lives. Very difficult.
I am right there with you. For years I tried to justify my behaviors when they were young that has scarred them for life, I'm 60 yo. About 15 years ago I stopped trying to justify I recognized that they lived in trauma and they deserve that recognition from me, it's about the only thing I have to give them as we no longer have a relationship. Plus, it held me accountable for my role in that trauma, which has allowed me to begin to heal from it
The things I forgive myself for did not only involve me, there was another person involved too. I forgive them, so why was it harder to forgive myself? I did forgive myself. We are here to make mistakes , learn from them & move forward. I am now living a purposeful life, helping others.
Thank you, THANK YOU, Dr. Kim for creating this video!! I can so relate to your story, and have been struggling with forgiving myself for years for choices that I made when I was young and immature. I have watched literally hundreds of videos from a variety of creators, and this one landed in the soil of my wounded heart. May God bless you for planting this precious seed.
The things I have trouble with are really stupid things. In Disney not dancing when my son asked me to. Anything I told either son that to me was a wrong response. It doesn't matter that I made some really good choices too. But if I were to allow myself to "revisit " each time I would be sobbing.
I don’t think any of this is stupid. Not being able to dance is absolutely a sign that you don’t feel safe being silly. Children deserve to be silly and clearly your inner child couldn’t but you raised a child who could. That sounds like a lot to be proud of yourself for. Also the fact that your watching these videos and sharing!!! You’re doing the work ❤
It is through self compassion that we can extend compassion for others. If we have the limiting belief, that we "should" never make mistakes, we "should" show up for every possible emotionally connecting moment...we are placing an unattainable requirement for ourselves. It is a recipe for being a rigid judge. When we rigidly judge ourselves (and then others) we don't allow for the messy of life and the potential learning and repair. Being human means leaning into the humility of not always knowing and not doing everything perfect. If we learn and let us propel us forward and improve our relationships, then great. If we get stuck and held back because of our regret and shame, we end up unwittingly harming ourselves and others, through that lens. Of course, we do need to take responsibility...but in that, we don't dwell in self castigation, but be a curious observer looking for pieces of information to go forward. Radical acceptance can be challenging. It is so worth it though. It provides a freedom and lightness to our lives. I wish for you compassion 💛
I found some videos by a therapist named Erica Komisar on youtube. She has a book about how the first three years of life are so important in brain development. Worth checking out.
It is so powerful to hear your examples and insights. Same kids w/different partner: “That’s the wounded child’s fantasy” really makes sense. Thank you for sharing so we can see how to treat our little selves! ❤
Thank you Dr. Sage for your videos. The topics you have brought up seem ordinary but so profound, something that have been subconsciously buried and unaddressed for generations in my family. Thank you for the enlightenment and healing you have brought. I wish you knew how thankful and grateful for your videos ❤
You really help me!! You explain how I feel and put in in terms I understand. I have a hard time forgiving myself fir my past, but you gave me a way forward
You are truly a lovely person. This talk began a strong process of healing for me as I plan on making regular time to lovingly address the child in me. Thank you, Dr. Kim.
I have studied the process of forgiveness for over 43yrs. Sickness takes many forms and so does unforgiveness. The form of the one reproduces the form of the other. As you forgive another, you forgive yourself. The books DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE by Gary Renard and a spiritual teaching called A COURSE IN MIRACLES given to Prof, of Psychology at Columbia University around the late 60s. It will expand anyone's understanding of power of true forgiveness to heal our mind, body and relationships.
Can you do a video on how to defend yourself to people who believe the lies the borderline mother tells everyone about you..without sounding like you're the one bad mouthing her? The rest of the family I don't care, but now.my son believes her lies and is blaming me for bad mouthing when I try.to explain that I was abused in childhood.....
You should look more into the Narcissistic abuse tools like "gray rocking". BPD can also share traits with NPD when it comes to how we may react to our loved ones.
@@missfoxglove8989 I have no contact with my mom for 14 years..in fact she just passed. But my son now is angry with me...need to know how to talk with him to not make myself look bad considering all the bad she talked about me.
@@mverderaime if you approach from a defended angle of just trying not to make yourself look bad...it won't go well. While I understand why you would want to do that, it generally never works. I have a sister with suspected BPD and she has told lies upon lies and it does hurt. Unfortunately if you try really hard to convince someone else to not believe as they do...it'll just make you look desperate and disempowered. Human nature is to be repelled by that. If you have a mindset of really, authentically seeking to connect to your son, get to know him, first and foremost...that is a better tactic. If the goal is to clear your name...it might feel like you care more about you, than him...from his perspective. All that would do, is reinforce what he has heard. Maybe you could acknowledge the differences of views, but not make it the main point. Like, "I know that you've heard many things about me. I am hurt by some of those things, but I really want a chance to have a relationship with you". It is acknowledged but not dwelt on too much. Then, keep the focus on him, imagining how confused he might be. Also, if he brings up being hurt by you, you'll need to listen, validate and hold space for it...without getting defensive. Otherwise you'll cut off possible connection. He cares more about his hurt, than your story at this point. Just like I imagine if you tried to tell your mom about your hurt & instead of listening she cuts you off, blames you, excuses herself, it would feel like a defense and not hearing you (which BPD moms do, and it is so disconnecting). It sounds like she was likely this way. You'll have to respond differently to your son, if you want healing and connection. If you work on your own sense of self, know who you are, heal your core wounds...it won't be so urgent that he "gets it" immediately. In time, your actions, behavior, will say far more than a verbal defense about all the lies. I know it's hard. I wish you well 💫
I do wonder if the idea that we seek partners who help us heal childhood wounds is is an explanation that we impose after the fact in many cases rather than a hidden motive for our decisions. In any committed relationship we will be called upon to respond with our whole being to situations we never imagined, so our weaknesses will come to the fore. In retrospect it may seem we were seeking to heal these weaknesses by putting ourselves in situations that required us to re-address unresolved hurts, but is that truly the case? This inherent uncertainty, it seems to me, is good reason not to be too hard on ourselves for failed or suboptimal relationships. Provided we learn from these mistakes, we’re simply being human - no need for regrets.
In my case, my mistake was detrimental to my health and can not be reversed. I ignored my gut feeling when I knew something was wrong. How can I forgive myself
Hi Kim, That's right you can't change the past!. In terms of our circumstances. As children. If we have been associated with an immoral parent and family members. And these immoral teachings and exposures. Develop in us. And then we make the same or similar immoral mistakes. Is this within our control. Can we forgive ourselves for bad immoral mistakes.?? Regards Cliff.
I’m 59 just came out of a 6 yr relationship with a narcissist just figured out that my mom is narc and I am scapegoat of family also have a hard time forgiving myself for bad choices 🌈🌈God bless you 🌈🌈and thank you for your videos very calming and soothing
40 or so years ago I came across a photo of me at about 6 weeks old, recovering from a severe illness. I remember staring at it for a couple of minutes before, in my mind, I heard someone (me, I suppose) say *grab the baby and run* The mother in me wanted/needed to rescue that innocent baby girl who I didn’t even see as me til years later.
Thank you. My Mother was BPD. My childhood was awful. I started typing my story and re read what I had typed and deleted it. Too awful to tell. Thank you, I am learning so much from your videos. Thank you!!
I've always thought I'd write a book about my life bc it's so horrible no one would believe it. Now I know most people would believe it, and that's even worse. I'm now journaling thanks to Dr Sage 💚
Thank you for honoring how hard it is to overcome childhood trauma, even if when had to limp and crawl into adulthood. No one has ever done that for me before and I'm bawling my eyes out 💗
Hi Kim,
Forgiving myself for, that which I could not control. !!!!
Situations, that I didn't bring on myself..
Situations that were imposed on me...
Pain inflicted on me..
The same for anyone else..?.
Cliff..
Thank you so much for your wonderful videos. I would love more info on anger. It seems like the BPDs have no trouble releasing their anger on whoever they feel wronged them. But to express anger to the BPD, you become the focus of their wrath. Anger becomes this scary/dangerous emotion. I dont know how to deal with the anger i feel towards to my bpd parent and how to deal with anger as an emotion, because it was never taught. Anger seems to be a scary emotion and a dangerous emotion when the BPD expressed it. Now it is an all or nothing feeling it is felt too much or stored and not dealt with. I would love more into! Thank you for your videos they are a great source of peace and understanding.
This is such a great video. Thank you❤. Just when I think I am at a place of forgiving myself, I get this little whisper in my soul that says: by forgiving yourself you are minimizing the damage to your children. It’s horrible. I sometimes feel like I have to carry the guilt as an albatross of shame to help my children. I just don’t ever ever want them to forget that I am so sorry I brought such a monster and so much chaos into their precious lives. Very difficult.
I am right there with you. For years I tried to justify my behaviors when they were young that has scarred them for life, I'm 60 yo. About 15 years ago I stopped trying to justify I recognized that they lived in trauma and they deserve that recognition from me, it's about the only thing I have to give them as we no longer have a relationship. Plus, it held me accountable for my role in that trauma, which has allowed me to begin to heal from it
The things I forgive myself for did not only involve me, there was another person involved too. I forgive them, so why was it harder to forgive myself? I did forgive myself. We are here to make mistakes , learn from them & move forward. I am now living a purposeful life, helping others.
This is so lovely and really powerful. Visualising the childs young face. Thank you for sharing your own insecurities too 💕
Thank you, THANK YOU, Dr. Kim for creating this video!! I can so relate to your story, and have been struggling with forgiving myself for years for choices that I made when I was young and immature. I have watched literally hundreds of videos from a variety of creators, and this one landed in the soil of my wounded heart. May God bless you for planting this precious seed.
Thanks for this video. And for sharing your story.
The things I have trouble with are really stupid things. In Disney not dancing when my son asked me to. Anything I told either son that to me was a wrong response. It doesn't matter that I made some really good choices too. But if I were to allow myself to "revisit " each time I would be sobbing.
I don’t think any of this is stupid. Not being able to dance is absolutely a sign that you don’t feel safe being silly. Children deserve to be silly and clearly
your inner child couldn’t but you raised a child who could. That sounds like a lot to be proud of yourself for.
Also the fact that your watching these videos and sharing!!! You’re doing the work ❤
It is through self compassion that we can extend compassion for others. If we have the limiting belief, that we "should" never make mistakes, we "should" show up for every possible emotionally connecting moment...we are placing an unattainable requirement for ourselves. It is a recipe for being a rigid judge. When we rigidly judge ourselves (and then others) we don't allow for the messy of life and the potential learning and repair.
Being human means leaning into the humility of not always knowing and not doing everything perfect. If we learn and let us propel us forward and improve our relationships, then great. If we get stuck and held back because of our regret and shame, we end up unwittingly harming ourselves and others, through that lens.
Of course, we do need to take responsibility...but in that, we don't dwell in self castigation, but be a curious observer looking for pieces of information to go forward.
Radical acceptance can be challenging. It is so worth it though. It provides a freedom and lightness to our lives.
I wish for you compassion 💛
@@elysegambino1597 u have brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. What a beautiful thing to say. Thank you
@@Alphacentauri819 thank u so much for taking the time to share this. It gives me much to think about.
Thank you very much, enjoy the best of you
I found some videos by a therapist named Erica Komisar on youtube. She has a book about how the first three years of life are so important in brain development. Worth checking out.
It is so powerful to hear your examples and insights. Same kids w/different partner: “That’s the wounded child’s fantasy” really makes sense. Thank you for sharing so we can see how to treat our little selves! ❤
Thank you Dr. Sage for your videos. The topics you have brought up seem ordinary but so profound, something that have been subconsciously buried and unaddressed for generations in my family. Thank you for the enlightenment and healing you have brought. I wish you knew how thankful and grateful for your videos ❤
You really help me!! You explain how I feel and put in in terms I understand. I have a hard time forgiving myself fir my past, but you gave me a way forward
You are truly a lovely person. This talk began a strong process of healing for me as I plan on making regular time to lovingly address the child in me. Thank you, Dr. Kim.
I have studied the process of forgiveness for over 43yrs. Sickness takes many forms and so
does unforgiveness. The form of the one reproduces the form of the other. As you forgive another, you forgive yourself. The books DISAPPEARANCE OF THE UNIVERSE by Gary Renard and a spiritual teaching called A COURSE IN MIRACLES given to Prof, of Psychology
at Columbia University around the late 60s. It will expand anyone's understanding of power of true forgiveness to heal our mind, body and relationships.
Can you do a video on how to defend yourself to people who believe the lies the borderline mother tells everyone about you..without sounding like you're the one bad mouthing her? The rest of the family I don't care, but now.my son believes her lies and is blaming me for bad mouthing when I try.to explain that I was abused in childhood.....
You should look more into the Narcissistic abuse tools like "gray rocking". BPD can also share traits with NPD when it comes to how we may react to our loved ones.
@@missfoxglove8989 I have no contact with my mom for 14 years..in fact she just passed. But my son now is angry with me...need to know how to talk with him to not make myself look bad considering all the bad she talked about me.
@@mverderaime if you approach from a defended angle of just trying not to make yourself look bad...it won't go well.
While I understand why you would want to do that, it generally never works.
I have a sister with suspected BPD and she has told lies upon lies and it does hurt.
Unfortunately if you try really hard to convince someone else to not believe as they do...it'll just make you look desperate and disempowered. Human nature is to be repelled by that.
If you have a mindset of really, authentically seeking to connect to your son, get to know him, first and foremost...that is a better tactic. If the goal is to clear your name...it might feel like you care more about you, than him...from his perspective. All that would do, is reinforce what he has heard.
Maybe you could acknowledge the differences of views, but not make it the main point.
Like, "I know that you've heard many things about me. I am hurt by some of those things, but I really want a chance to have a relationship with you". It is acknowledged but not dwelt on too much.
Then, keep the focus on him, imagining how confused he might be.
Also, if he brings up being hurt by you, you'll need to listen, validate and hold space for it...without getting defensive. Otherwise you'll cut off possible connection. He cares more about his hurt, than your story at this point. Just like I imagine if you tried to tell your mom about your hurt & instead of listening she cuts you off, blames you, excuses herself, it would feel like a defense and not hearing you (which BPD moms do, and it is so disconnecting).
It sounds like she was likely this way. You'll have to respond differently to your son, if you want healing and connection.
If you work on your own sense of self, know who you are, heal your core wounds...it won't be so urgent that he "gets it" immediately. In time, your actions, behavior, will say far more than a verbal defense about all the lies.
I know it's hard.
I wish you well 💫
@@Alphacentauri819 great advice! Thank you for your time!
You look stunning here ❤
I do wonder if the idea that we seek partners who help us heal childhood wounds is is an explanation that we impose after the fact in many cases rather than a hidden motive for our decisions. In any committed relationship we will be called upon to respond with our whole being to situations we never imagined, so our weaknesses will come to the fore. In retrospect it may seem we were seeking to heal these weaknesses by putting ourselves in situations that required us to re-address unresolved hurts, but is that truly the case? This inherent uncertainty, it seems to me, is good reason not to be too hard on ourselves for failed or suboptimal relationships. Provided we learn from these mistakes, we’re simply being human - no need for regrets.
I had asked this 😊 thank you for posting this and sharing your experiences with us. I find your videos very healing ♥️
WE HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN ORDER TO FORGIVE OURSELVES!
In my case, my mistake was detrimental to my health and can not be reversed. I ignored my gut feeling when I knew something was wrong. How can I forgive myself
Hi Kim,
That's right you can't change the past!.
In terms of our circumstances. As children.
If we have been associated with an immoral parent and family members. And these immoral teachings and exposures. Develop in us. And then we make the same or similar immoral mistakes.
Is this within our control. Can we forgive ourselves for bad immoral mistakes.??
Regards Cliff.
Maybe good content is helping us with real life romantic dating, self-steam in case of red-flags, what are really the red flags, etc.
Very poor sound
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🦋🦋🦋🌸🌸🌸😍😍😍😘😘😘