YOU and YOUR BODY after Domestic Violence, Rape, Battering: Perpetrator and Society Collude
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ก.ย. 2024
- Therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges are human. Some of them are social reactionaries, others are narcissists, and a few are themselves spouse abusers. Many things work against the victim facing the justice system and the psychological profession.
Start with denial. Abuse is such a horrid phenomenon that society and its delegates often choose to ignore it or to convert it into a more benign manifestation, typically by pathologizing the situation or the victim - rather than the perpetrator.
A man's home is still his castle and the authorities are loath to intrude.
Most abusers are men and most victims are women. Even the most advanced communities in the world are largely patriarchal. Misogynistic gender stereotypes, superstitions, and prejudices are strong.
Therapists are not immune to these ubiquitous and age-old influences and biases.
They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
The profession's propensity to pathologize extends to the wrongdoers as well. Alas, few therapists are equipped to do proper clinical work, including diagnosis.
Abusers are thought by practitioners of psychology to be emotionally disturbed, the twisted outcomes of a history of familial violence and childhood traumas. They are typically diagnosed as suffering from a personality disorder, an inordinately low self-esteem, or codependence coupled with an all-devouring fear of abandonment. Consummate abusers use the right vocabulary and feign the appropriate "emotions" and affect and, thus, sway the evaluator's judgment.
But while the victim's "pathology" works against her - especially in custody battles - the culprit's "illness" works for him, as a mitigating circumstance, especially in criminal proceedings.
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If I could LIKE this video a million times, I would. So spot on, its unbelievable. Never thought somebody could make a candid & accurate video such as this.... this man is an ABSOLUTE genius. End of story.
You started by referring to Lundy Bancroft, whose work was recommended to me by a counselor in our local woman’s shelter. I too highly recommend his book, “Why Does He Do That”. You, as usual took that work, and developed the topic even farther. You described, and explained my recent ex as if you knew him. This content resonates so completely, I am rendered both speechless and yet hopeful, that this can be discussed and help can be provided to victims, especially as we go through the criminal court system. Please do more on this subject. Perhaps what victims/survivors can do to heal, once free of the torturer. Thank you, Sam.
My husband "cured" me of wanting intimacy. He wasn't physically violent, he just made sex so abhorent as I was a thing, a means for his fantasies. Slowly I closed off. At first I cried but later I just went cold. How I wish I could really understand it all. I'll just keep watching your videos as they really help.
I hear you.😢❤
I have read many forums, been part of Gender Based Violence (GBV) platforms, marched to parliament to hand over memorandums and not once, not even once did anyone present this information as you have. I am listening, pausing the video, taking notes, pausing the video, drawing mind maps. This has perfectly encapsulated my mother's "torture". Dr Vaknin, thank you sir. Years of wasted therapy and red herrings and in one life changing video, you have provided insight and academic information which no one else has done. Please do more videos on this topic.
@@xvhkgreen6297 I think you misunderstood. I am a woman in solidarity with women's rights and women's marches. My country has one of the highest gender violence (femicide) in the world. Woman are battered, murdered and abused on a frightening scale. On 9 August, women marched to parliament with a memorandam. Trash or not, we needed our voice to be heard.
Well as a survivor of 12 years of physical abuse i can say it just becomes a norm overtime. I was so attached to him and at times wanted him to abuse me just so he could explode and then the calm phase would happen and he would show me affection and yes be very sorry. its just such a horrible cycle to be in. I am now 2 years out and i am in college studying to become a counselor but i am still recovering from trauma. He got married to a women right away, said he couldnt bare to be alone. i am still single working on myself. I watched your videos years ago and they actually helped me realize what was going on with me and my abusive relationship. I lived this cycle for so long it was just normal to be beat down. crazy to think about my formal life. now i am free from abuse and i am on my journey to help others suffering from IPV.
wow yeah exactly, get the worst over with so you can put your nice mask back on and so I can pretend i was the one to blame and that this isn't abusive as it's complicated...
When i was assaulted (s.) at age 4 or 5 by the group of teenagers I was walking home and realizing I can’t tell my parents cause most probably they would just put it all on me and shame me on top. (They both were proper motherf*s themselves) Asking police for help was unthinkable it was Ukraine of the 90’s.
Now I just made sure - though it felt like ultimate loneliness back then - i made the right decision and have saved myself from being guilted for my own sorrow.
To people in comments - don’t know how right it is to look at any own reaction or effect of assault as on defensive mechanism but pretty sure it will solve your frustration immediately in most cases.
Great lecture. Thank you, Professor.
As someone who was violently, physically abused this year by my ex, I feel seen and heard and validated, especially as he denied it.
The confusion, distrust, the negative psychological impact it has had on my health affecting my ability to function. I have suffered 2 breakdowns. The PTSD: flashbacks, nightmares, sleepless nights, living in fear, looking over my shoulder when socialising.
The sounds are embedded - the rip of my pyjamas when grabbing me backwards, the buttons of my pjs landing on his wooden floor seemed at the time so loud and in slow motion.
Thank you.
(sorry for bad English) Did you had rape fantasies before meeting him ?? Like from your teenage ?
Rape victim here . I developed agrophobia from it. I can't be touched by anyone . Don't want it . But I can't stand to be out in crowed or go shopping. Bless you.
this is exactly the same for men who are raped .. im still trying to recover
One of your best videos, Sam
So much Truth
Explains a lot about who I am
I cringe when I hear my name
Your video is to painful , I have stop listening. I cannot Breathe !
Are you okay??
I have a Therapist.
Same for me when someone calls out to me, or simply addresses me by using my name. Whether it be my torturer, my Mom, or an acquaintance. I cringe, become irritated and just want them to go away. It doesn't matter their tone or urgency. I just want to hide behind a rock when my name is said aloud.
@@libbynoska7379 I wish you the best. Thank you for sharing your personal experience despite your distress. I hadn't grasped the reality of what hearing my name actually does to me until I read your words.
I refuse to give that power to my torturer. I can now build from this understanding.
Everything you said is true. I developed somatic symptoms and conditions that were very real and painful, but I didn’t make the connection. I didn’t tell anyone because I loved him, and didn’t want people to think poorly of him. Meanwhile he’s smearing my name every which way he can. I did have abuse in my childhood, which set the stage. I believed that when I finally spoke up that I’d be believed. The opposite happened. I was further isolated and rejected as a victim of intimate partner violence and coercion, even by a couples’ therapist who must have believed it was mutual. It was never mutual, although I’d tell him what I thought of his behavior, which he tried to use as proof I’m abusive. I was finally speaking up for myself and rejecting his false version of events, which Kernberg said that narcissists view reality as an act of aggression. It’s true that I was highly reactive at that point. I was retraumatized by the Justice system. At this point, I’m okay with everything, due to my resilience and decision to look at myself. I don’t need anyone’s approval or support to know what occurred and that it was wrong. He’s still telling anyone who will listen that I’m abusive, and I’m mentally ill. Of course, the people who are serving as supply to this narc victim are either brand new to the fanhood and have no frame of reference. The ones who comforted him the last two failed relationships aren’t disagreeing, but they have a feeling he’s not the victim. They’re not going to call him out, but like I once was, they’re all part of the NPS, and are all minions, supplying one or more of sex, admiration, or services, as you’ve taught so well, so I’m not heavily invested in proving my case to that bunch. I’m okay if they disapprove of me. I’ll live. They’re also victims, as is the narc, but I don’t want to stay in that framework. I can see the appeal, but in my experience, victims are usually blamed, and they’re viewed as being weak or deficient. Maybe. Because I reached such an extreme of self abandonment and denial, I determined to really look at myself, because I couldn’t allow this to occur again. I’m getting old, and this is not the way I want to live out my life. I realized that my need to prove myself worthy, to prove myself a good person, to prove myself loyal and giving were the very wounds used against me. My mother is a psychopath, and that’s how she also initiated caregiving behavior. I understand now that I don’t need to prove myself at all, and anyone who demands that is likely engaging in narcissist abuse, the test. So I actually feel grateful that I’ve been graced with awareness, and I don’t have to kept repeating the same sad story, which isn’t the case with the abuser. I no longer need his or others’ validation to know that his behavior was wrong. The sadistic portion of the relationship which occurred after the negotiation began right before the counseling, because I had expressed I wanted to leave. He engaged in both overt and covert abuse, and out of the two, the covert abuse was more damaging, the breach of trust and the sneakiness of it. You suddenly realize that all of these scenarios where you ended up tears were all engineered and initiated by them. That’s really creepy , and normal people can’t even believe it. It truly does incite rage when the target figures it out. I didn’t run off with anyone, but I let them I didn’t want to be with them anymore. I e been no contact ever since. And that’s why they’re the victim, because I objected to their sadistic abuse. Poor baby.
I was living in a fairy tale: Pinocchio. 😂
WOW! This is truly a brilliant lecture on a tragic reality and is very much needed. Dr. Vaknin, you certainly pulled the lid on the secrets of the abuser, unmasking what most people have such a hard time acknowledging. Contemplating how and why abusers have such a proclivity to hurt, get away with it, the very real consequences for the victim, on multiple generations, & on society in general; this lecture is a gem. You have clearly, and without any lingering doubt, answered some serious questions. Thank you, beyond what words can express, for bringing me closure today.
A thorough and in-depth explanation of the realisation of abuse and the consequences on a person's emotional, psychological and cognition. Excellent work.
So happy that people like you exist, it changed my destiny immediately. Love it.
A heartfelt thank you for addressing this subject in some depth. As you said, there is very little discussion or practical help for dealing with seeing one's own body as an enemy. Even after years of working with myself, this particular area is frustrating and sad. Awareness of the problem - and even the genuine desire to heal - is not enough to overcome it. Please consider writing a book to guide us through healing our relationship with our body; of learning to love it, trust it again.
Thank you Sam for your eloquent description of abuse and trauma. You have beautifully described the all consuming thoughts and feelings of PTSD that I have rexperienced since my childhood and helped me become one step closer to getting better.
This has to be your best video yet, the only one I’ve seen to delve right into this nightmare, triggering but provides so much clarity for when you are healing and ready to understand, thank you 🙏🏻
I wish to honor you for this video and your fearless approach to this neglected issue in society.
Very few, in my opinion, even mentions this, among psychiatry law inforcement experts and women shelters.
It’s crucial for the many victims to acknowledge their experience and bring proper language to describe their torture and pain, because very often, as you also pointed out, they have none, silence is golden for them, for survival among other reasons.
It seems like its the same all over the world.
I live in Sweden and we most certainly have a lot of this issues here.
too painful to watch. I'll finish the last half in another day, but thank you, very helpful.
Thank you so much for covering this, spot-on as always, court against people who commit this kind of abuse, especially things like the finding of facts, going through the past to prepare is a hideous experience, those going through this need the right understanding and support in place, as it is like you’re reliving it, not only that in-front of strangers and the very person denying they did anything to you and twisting the story, yes it’s torture.
Thank you for your work Sam. This is highly insightful and necessary.
Greetings Sam, it has been the lecture video that resonated completely with me. I have been searching my own words to explain what happens to a body once it is tortured... tears and relief to have heard the words you share and express/explain... I have work to do, to overcome and heal . This video is the first step to healing... thank you Sam
I wonder if you have more thoughts on this subject, or update. This is the part in my healing journey that I have struggled with so much.
There are aspects of my relationship that was torturous as you describe. I have lacked the language to be able to express how much control he had over me without always wielding it in a violent manner. It was slow and subtle. Physical violence in the beginning then emotional manipulation- he was the victim, depressed, adhd , over worked, tire.d. I was always his antagonists so violence toward me justified. He made me believe that very deeply, because those seeds were already planted before him…
Thank for your this insight. I’m working very hard to have a better relationship with my body in the aftermath of that relationship. Interesting topic.
My mother physically assaulted me almost daily until I was 17 years old. I am now 39 and cut her from my life 3 years ago. I have since developed anxiety depression and food issues to name a few of my new found problems does anyone think this is related to each other?
@@yespencil yes that is a good idea
I felt that sigh at 22:42
Thank you doctor
Thank you for sharing your knowledge .
He is 100% right…. The police failed me. The system failed. Of course. I really believe that police officers need to be trained more in D.V
They do but it goes well beyond just training.Look up statistics of DV among the law enforcement community.
I feel the shabby Petito tragedy is a very good example of attitudes and projections from Law Enforcement toward a DV situation.
Also love your work and channel! ❤
You nailed it, Sam. Thank you for this funny, amusing, and, at the same time, true stuff. I like no. 10. Cheers, man- keep posting. I look forward to an evening with your musings. Ciao for now. S.
Thank You🙂
In my experiences men just took what they want in a relationship if I didn't let them they threatened to leave me or go into foul mood.
Thank you
Can you please make video on: Schizoid vs Covert
Torturer thank you yes .... excellent and well needed. .
I felt tortured
Thank you so much!🙏🙏
Decades after being physically abused as a youth ( teenager), I can feel a mild odd sensation in the areas of my body where I was most often struck. It never seems to go away. 😒😐
I need help. He's holding money over my head and the abuse got worse.
😥can relate way too much to this
You are describing me perfectly here
Thank you sir, like pain when someone give compliment after and you just wanna rip everything off, what can i do...its autoimmune disease
I WAS beaten as a child by my mother. like im talking i was hit with everything. wooden spoon,rubber snake, horse whip, rubber hose, hanger, that one was special, i was naked in the tub.. are there some parrells ?
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Wow accomplice
I never blamed myself for ex's abuse. I knew he was nuts. His justification was illogical and set off by the most minor, or imaginary causes, in his mind only and bore no grounds in reality.
Can we change society again? I think I know how