I fully agree! I tell my daughter all the time how smart and clever she is. I compliment her on her hard work when she gets good grades. I rarely focus on her appearance. My friend, on the other hand, only compliments his daughter's looks. Then he complains that she struggles in school. I have watched this little girl's ego shatter when my daughter, who is two years younger, finishes math problems in her head or reads books multiple grade levels above her. Her entire personality will become wrapped up in her appearance, and when she encounters girls that are better looking she will have nothing to fall back on.
I totally see the correlation to be made to compliment to build confidence but studies do show that saying something like "Do you feel so pretty?", "Do you love your hair today?!" and placing the identification in their hands is more effective. It makes them rely less on someone else validating them and gets them used to validating themselves
Choosing to compliment something people have control over such as how they styled their hair and clothing is also more effective than things they were born with like their eye color or cheekbones. Whenever people compliment my necklace or how my hair is, it means more to me than them complimenting my eyes.
The husband who throw out a perfectly good cake and said his wife was over reacting, well that's a prefect example of the pot calling the ketal black if I've ever seen one
Yep. Op's parent's are also buttholes for downplaying what he did. No stress justefied shitting on all the work and effort the Wife put in, then shame and barrade her for not "doing it properly and good enough". Not putting in enough effot etc. Thats NOT acceptable behavior. And not a person you'd want to marry man or woman. Lets say your wife asks you to build her daughter a idk...let's say a new cupboard. You buy the material, you spend hours prepping each piece, then put it together but oh.. she wanted silver handles. But the local stores were out. So you use grey ones. Then your wife thrashes it and complains that it wasn't good enough. And you didnt put in enough effort. Etc. Same issue, and reason to seperate if you ask me. Because if this is reaccuring behavior there is no way that is a good enviorment to live in with no room to alter from the partners insane expectations.
And since it was the step daughter's cake it would be up to her to decide if she was happy with the lack of blue berries or not. Heck she might of been mature enough to accept that her step mom is trying her best to do what she can.
Honestly. With HIS over-reaction. It's either couples counseling or divorce if I was in her shoes. Even if my S/O has been with me for so long. That level of disrespect is a relationship ender that can never be healed no matter what.
Story 2: your daughter isn't a normal teenage girl and she isn't just vain either. Take her to therapy right now. She's showing signs of having a body image disorder which may end up as an eating disorder if she has worries about being fat specifically.
@@Buck_Fiden658 I hadn't heard the entire story when I commented this, I still recognized that she was having severe body image issues, and since I hadn't heard what it was about yet, I included the possibility of an ED. She could still have body dysmorphic disorder, especially since the nose is a common fixation for people who have BDD
Body image issues like that can be even worse. Heck look at the history of Michael Jackson's face for a nose-specific fixation. Hyperfixation on an aspect of oneself is unhealthy and can lead to anything since the brain does whacky things. It might not be weight now but it easily could change to that if something draws her focus there. Tools to process are good tools to have most everyone would benefit from some therapy if nothing else but to see their thinking from another viewpoint.
Story 1: Anyone else feel like the only reason the husband wanted Op there was so that he could blame her for ANY little issue that happened at the party? Naw NTA Op, your husband THREW OUT HIS DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY CAKE…then blamed you… I just…no words…
Especially given that his complaint was a lack of blueberries ON THE CAKE. Um, so go get blueberries and put them on the cake? Screaming at OP and throwing the cake out was sheer madness. OP did the right thing in leaving. Her parents are crazy, btw. LOL
And then he had the audacity to say that OP was the one who was overreacting and that his childish behavior was her fault because she didn’t magically conjure up blueberries to put them on the cake! What a piece of shit.
Love how the husband in the first story tries to gaslight her and say that SHE over reacted, when he got so angry over fucking blueberries that he threw away a cake. That's extremely petty.
This his wife put the time and effort into this cake for his daughter. Some people could be only so lucky. And there’s one “mistake” so his solution is to throw out the cake and get store bought. Like wtf if the type of cake doesn’t matter as he clearly demonstrates then why do the blueberries. Bruh needs therapy because it’s clear he’s got something up his butt.
i am on OP’s side, but i don’t get why she just didn’t get blueberries ☠️ any target or walmart would’ve had them, also, communicating that she wasn’t able to fulfill everything that he wanted would’ve been an easy fix to this too
@@imnotrohan blueberries are really hit or miss. the tinned ones taste horrible when used as a topping, same with the frozen ones. fresh ones are seasonal and can vary a lot in taste. if its going ON TOP of the cake and not IN the cake, you really want nice fresh ripe ones.
@@myopinion69420 that wasn’t the issue though, they just asked for blueberries 😭 if she asked for like american grown non gmo gluten free no added preservatives high quality blueberries that would be different, but i don’t think they were expecting that. it doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what the birthday girl wants also another thing i just realized, why didn’t the dad just go and get some blueberries 😭
as a cooking and eating enthusiast, making a cake is a lot of work and even if it comes out ugly or without blueberries, it still tastes good. so, the asshole from the cake story wasted hours of hard work and perfectly good delicious food.
i both love and hate making cakes for birthdays because i'm the only baker in our family so i typically make the cakes for the parties and holy shit is it so much work. i'd walk away too if someone threw out the cake i spent hours or days making just because it wasn't perfect.
Something is wrong with the guy who threw out the cake. There is not a lot of info to go on, but he sounds like he could be abusive and probably narcissistic.
@@jjr9792 Y'all will literally hear anything about an obvious walking red-flag and ride his dick with doubt for the victim lmao. There is no excuse for throwing out a homemade cake.
OP has the right of it, her daughter is old enough to understand consequences and this is a very important teaching moment. if OP just lets her daughter get away with this, she will become so much worse in the future.
@@giancarloc1985hey. Airfrying is cooking as well. You want hard boiled eggs? Airfryer. You want potatoes? Airfryer. Fish? Meat? Veggies? Bread? Cake/cookies? Airfryer. You just can't boil stuff in it.
My mother said that none of her children (me and my two brothers) would leave her house without knowing how to wash and iron a shirt, make a stew, and sew on a button. We could all do those and much more. Both of our parents taught us how to cook. When my twin brother and I were 16 we baked a birthday cake from scratch for our younger brother (sorry, no blueberries).
Story 2: saying "you’re average and it’s fine" is actually the best lesson you can learn about your image. Most psychological issues about self image originate from parents obsessed with looks…. Trying to convince your child looks are not that important is actually great parenting. Also, insecure teens are walking catch22… if you say they are beautiful they don’t believe you, if you don’t, they think they are ugly.
Since when is "average" an insult? It's literally the most normal thing. Being disappointed unless you're above-average is a recipe for the majority of society to be unhappy (and those who are below-average to be really, really unhappy). Building your children into snowflakes made of the finest glass, who need to believe they're better than most people in every way or they'll fall into a deep depression isn't doing them any favors. It boggles my mind that this got 3.5 points.
My mother told me that I was average in looks and would only ever be average. She said that it was a good thing because that people wouldn't notice me. That was about 14 years ago, and it still lives in my head. Destroyed myself esteem.
@@stuffyouotterlistento1461 Because it sounds like Body Dysmorphic Disorder that's triggered by bullying. Telling someone with BDD that they look average is likely not going to help and just worsen the symptoms. Plus just OP's treatment of how she's acting (like calling her vain when she's being incredibly insecure) is just absolutely awful.
Beauty is subjective, and feeling comfortable in your own skin w/o comparing yourself to others is an important lesson. I feel like there is alot underlying here, and there was no perfect answer the mother could have given. It's a terribly sensitive time though.
But saying this to a teenage girl struggling about looks to the point where she is depressive has a different effect. Esp when you only say « you’re average looking » and not elaborating on it.
His takes on parents and daughters have been pretty damn ridiculous. For all other posts he tries to think rationally but one involving daughters and he throws logic out the window for his own personal bias.
I feel really bad for the daughter in the first story. Imagine it being your 12th birthday and your parents are the one fighting about YOUR cake then one of them feels so hurt and frustrated (rightfully so) that they have to leave while the other is yelling at them before they go. That birthday must have sucked, I'm sure it would have been much better with no blueberries than no motherly figure at all
From a teen who has a big nose AND is 14 years old, I can fully relate to Op’s kid. I feel insecure about my nose all the time, but at some point, you have to realize that you can't change that and you just have to embrace yourself even if no one else will. ❤😊
Don't worry. Its very common for nose to grow first while the rest of the face takes time to catch up to its grown up proportions, and end up looking very natural by the end. ☺
Wow I wish I was that mature at 14! You are absolutely right, appreciate your body for the job it does of carrying you throughout life. Love it when you can and appreciate that you are human and no one is perfect when you can’t. Personally as another human, I rarely focus on 1 aspect of a person when I am interacting with them, they are a full person. Not a walking attribute. When I look at myself it’s hard to have that same mindset but I am trying and making some good progress:-)
I have a 12 year old daughter, and I'm glad she's not obsessive about her body yet. However, I credit her mother and I for complimenting her INTELLIGENCE, her SKILLS, her ARTWORK, and her POSITIVE LOVING ATTITUDE first before ever mentioning how cute she is. Girls have so many people commenting on their looks, that's why we do our utmost to compliment her many MANY other amazing features before mentioning appearance. Treat your daughters like something other than a doll and they'll think of other things before they think about their appearance.
This. I know Dabney has good intentions, but constantly complimenting a child's looks doesn't lead to confidence at all. It either leads to insecurity or vanity. (Incidentally, complimenting intelligence can cause some issues too, depending on how a parent goes about it, but that one can go either way and mostly depends on how people respond when the kid struggles with anything academically...) The best thing to do is compliment things people can control--behaviors, effort, and achievement from working at something. That's how a confident person is raised. Good on you for understanding that!
I second this, praise a kid for how hard they work for something, not just something they do naturally well, and you will find a kid that will always try their best. “You did great on your outfit today!” Instead of “You’re so pretty!” Or “I’m so proud of you for working hard on your project!” Instead of “You’re so smart, always getting A and B grades.” I was the product of being complimented for being “gifted” and I almost failed university as a result because I didn’t know how to work hard for my grades. I finally got it together, but I still fight the instinct to give up when things are hard. Edit: typo
I get where you are coming from but I think I can share a different perspective here. As someone who was bullied most their school life and struggles with self image issues, compliments on appearance can go a long way more than you think. It's easy to say "well I don't want my kid to focus too much on their looks" but it's not going to stop people on the outside from tearing them down on a daily basis. "Oh well, they are only teasing them for their looks. As long as I build confidence elsewhere, they'll be just fine" right? Wrong. When you're being bullied daily (rather it be over your looks or not) those insults become all you think about, along with how you can avoid it/stop it. No amount of confidence in other things about one's self will counter the way they'll start to see themselves when they are constantly insulted and harassed for it. Not to mention bullies never stop at just appearance, they will start in on any and everything that makes you YOU. Soon it won't matter how good you are at studying, how great of an artist you are, or how kind and well mannered you are. When the negativity you hear outweighs the positivity, you sink down so far within yourself until you're numb to it all. Heck my niece was going through something similar. She was becoming self-conscious about her forehead, no matter how much my sister told her she looks fine she wasn't convinced. I had to sit her down and let her know that her face was fine and that she's beautiful and to not let anyone tell her different because it's all projection from their own insecurities. I meant every word and she could tell. She's not vain or really all about how she looks either, but those comments really started to effect her and I could tell.
@@prettyfreaknordinary7982 that’s why you need to deal with the root of the issue: the bullying. If a child is being bullied so relentlessly for their looks that they can’t see their personal value outside of it, the bullying must be stopped, or at least minimized. You also don’t teach self confidence by saying the opposite of what a bully says, you teach it by using logic. As a bullied Black girl from a poor family, I used to get teased for my hair, my clothes, the way I spoke, all kinds of things. When I told my mom she said, “Oh, are they gonna buy you new clothes? Are they gonna sit down and do your hair themselves? Then they have no right to criticize you.” When you teach your kids that a bully’s words mean nothing, they will learn to find value in other ways. Honestly tho, OP’s daughter is going through far more than a simple talk can resolve and she needs counseling - no child should be constantly asking about their looks, poor thing.
@Carnibee Alas,society is to blame as the perpetuation of beauty standards in people causes this kind of toxicity, ranging from women having to look like a model straight out of a fashion magazine cover to men having to look like a combination of an MMA fighter and Adonis. Aethetics are nice but are nothing without a good heart and brains to match.
I think OP needs to reassure her daughter that looks aren't everything, while taking to not be patronizing. Perhaps say something like my mom used to when I was insecure, "I am your mom, so to me you are absolutely gorgeous. What's even more beautiful about you is your kindness, your humor, and your courage (insert whatever traits stand out to OP). Don't compare yourself to other people, because it will lead you down the road to unhappiness. Anyone worth your time will love you for you, and will appreciate your beauty, inside and out."
Story 3: they miss your college and high school graduation? They're lucky to be invited at all, and you could have thrown it back into their face but you remain civil which I respect. Enjoy your wedding, your parents don't get to ignore you then demand you pay for their free vacation, oh I mean to go to your wedding.
I think I’m with others here that if OP paid their way, they wouldn’t have gone to the wedding. I hope OP sees this as a sign to go NC at least with his parents.
Story 5: Cooking turns people into housewives? I think my husband, who does the bulk of the cooking, is going to be surprised that he is now a housewife. Does he need to go full 1950s? I think finding heals his size is going to be difficult. The dress and petticoats I can sew.
Haha yeah, my dad basically took over the kitchen when he discovered Alton Brown. As soon as he realized that cooking is just food math, something clicked. Bobby Flay’s sauces, however, are still black magic. They’re delicious, like “I could eat shoe leather with this” delicious, but they are COMPLEX.
@@eroraf8637 my husband learned to cook from his dad. My mil is wonderful, unfortunately her cooking skills left much to be desired. She came from the Irish school of cooking: boil everything. I don't know who said it, but I always liked the phrase: Baking is science. Cooking is art.
@FNLNFNLN that's what I was thinking. I mean I guess she could be that lazy depending on how much money she asked for but he offered two weeks of groceries so probably a few hundred at least. Yeah. I'd say something's up. Especially if her son can cook well and is use to cooking at his dad's, just ask him to cook? Fishy. Good thing Dad seems well connected with his kids if things go south with mom.
If I were vegan, and hosted a family get together where I only served vegan food, I would be the only one at the party. The family of the vegan sister always provided her with vegan dishes when they host, why can't she return the favor?
I think because in one case, vegan is avoiding animal products because it’s her ethical/moral values where as it doesn’t hurt anyone else’s moral values to not eat meat? If I were her, I would say that I will only be making vegan but feel free to bring your own non-vegan sides and have it be more of a potluck. But I am not vegan myself so hard to determine. As a non vegan I wouldn’t be upset at going one meal without animal products because I am not living that lifestyle, for me it’s just one meal. Like when I go to a friends house and they make a traditional dish from their culture, no one is expecting me to eat that way at my own home or even know all the customs. But I do think it’s kind of their family to always have vegan options for them so it would be nice to compromise by allowing others to bring their own sides even if she doesn’t feel right preparing them herself.
@rebeccajesse4604 I was thinking the same thing, I think it's an everyone sucks here for that story. Like 1 vegan meal obviously isn't going to hurt you, so there's little to no point complaining about it, but if everyone else has respected your food choices, why can't the sister return the favour? Even if she isn't the one preparing non-vegan meals, she should allow people to bring their own if they feel that strongly against a vegan meals.
@@rebeccajesse4604the only thing is with the vegan meals I don't think it would be "just a salad" like R/slash is claiming. I think it's going to be more like meat substitutes. And not everyone's stomach can handle that. I also find it strange that if the host did the same thing to the vegan, rslash would get mad..
By this logic, am I gointo have to cook bacon when Imhost a Hanukkah party? Don't think so. Last time I was at a Sikh wedding I don't remember complaining about the food either. If I go to a dinner hosted by a vegan friend, I'm not expecting them to cook up chicken. I guess you could flip it, and say well what about if am a guest at someone's house who cooks a ham? Well, I attempt to graciously as possible eat what I can while avoiding the ham. I don't say they aren't aloud to cook ham in their own kitchen, and I can just eat something else or eat later. Their house, their rules. If they have appropriate options, I'm grateful. It's weird seeing this complaint even if seems so basic. I wonder if it has to do with a.lack of respect for the sisters vegan lifestyle, or if they just don't hang out with people from different cultures, religions, etc.
@@Simipourfangirl yeah some substitutes aren’t for everyone :-) it’s hard because we can’t just flip the situation because one side is a taste preference/familiarity and the other side is an expression of someone’s moral/ethical choices. They aren’t as easy to compare or flip because they aren’t really the same thing. But again, I’m not vegan and not every vegan has the same boundaries so I can’t really say.
I compliment my daughter a lot. Her mother and I are focusing on things that aren't appearance based. We are trying to ensure she sees herself as more than her looks. Also, she's a rather vain 5 year old. Never heard a 5 year old say another isnt pretty because she doesn't have blue eyes...
She picked up that blue-eyed thing from someone; a 5y/o doesn't just decide that. If she is in kindergarten, I'd ask the teacher. She probably heard it from a classmate.
@@KellyDVance it gets worse. She said a girl was pretty cause she's like me. My daughter is blonde and blue eyed. Vermont is incredibly racist. I'll have to check in and keep a close eye on it
@@destinedtogameyikes! I am grateful my kiddo is surrounded by a variety of appearances. Heck, her first preschool (attached to a university) had kids from every continent except Antarctica. Her second was through a Catholic school and was mostly Hispanic. (We are mostly of Western European descent.) Her elementary school is also well mixed. If I can make a suggestion, show her Disney movies where the main characters don't look like her and compliment their appearance. "Doesn't Belle have beautiful brown eyes?" "Look how pretty Tiana does her hair." It may teach her that other features are beautiful by your admiration of them. I'm sorry if my suggestion is overstepping. I know I'm just some rando on the internet.
@@KellyDVance I said the same thing to my mother when I was five or six. She didn't correct me. I said that I wished I had blue eyes like mother's or grandmother's.
@@ZeroXBlossom OP went to stay with her parents after the situation happened with her husband. OPs parents told her that her husband was justified in reacting the way he did because she didn't make the cake the way he wanted for his daughter (OPs stepdaughter)
"He had a justifiable reaction because he's stressed out" Justifiable? He made a scene because of freaking BLUEBERRIES of all things and then threw his daughter's birthday cake into a trashcan. He clearly does not care about his wife's efforts. Also what if the bakery didn't end up having his blueberry cake? Then what? "Sorry sweetie but no cake this year because i threw the one this woman made you since it didn't had blueberries on it. So it's all her fault" Now i wouldn't say straight up to divorce his ass after this but if the therapy won't work out.....
My mom used to call my grandma all the time saying they needed money for milk for baby me. Grandma caught on pretty quick and started delivering the milk in person instead of giving her money. My mom stopped asking as much afterward.
Wild! The only thing I could guess for the first story is that the deceased wife/mom made the cake that specific way. Does not condone his action but that is the only way I could see some slight reasoning still 2/5 butt holes.
Or he's one of those intensely controlling husbands who say that they like things 'a certain way' to disguise gaslighting and domestic abuse. It could be either really.
As a widow myself I would never do that if my new spouse wanted to do something nice for my son. And I saw it "wrong" or didn't like how it looked. The dad got 5 out of 5 in my book
Story 4: so she got a sweet 16 but is still upset that your stepdaughter is getting a quinceanera? Also I don't care what the contex is, your daughter destroying a $3,000 dress because of a TV is not even remotely okay, frankly I think you're being nice by only making her pay for the dress. If she's old enough to be that petty she's old enough to face the consequences, don't let her try to manipulate you to get out of this.
Because the moment she does OP would lose all respect from Maria and her spouse. I would’ve also hoped OP took away daughter’s privileges until she apologized to Maria. I hope Maria now has a lock on her door.
There is just one thing I would like to know before I make a verdict, did she also get a 3000 dollar dress on her sweet 16 party, an quinceanera is also a party right, so it's not like she is only getting the dress. that being said destroying the dress was wrong, if she did not get a 3000 dollar dress I give the daugher 2 out of 5 BH, if she did get a 3000 dollar dress that score goes up to 4 out of 5 BH. That is my opinion on it,
@@GJBndls OP didn't pay for it, her parents did, he has no control over that. Also a quinceanera isn't just a party, it's a cultural becoming of ceremony for young Hispanic women, I'm not surprised her family is going all out.
I wonder if the OP’s daughter was in the mindset Maria was getting a quiencera AND a sweet 16 next year so she got jealous thinking she’s getting back to back parties and not understanding the cultural differences
@@GJBndls No, a quinceanera is not just a party and this is part of the problem for OP by comparing it to a Sweet 16. A quinceanera is an event to celebrate a girl becoming a woman. The closest American equivalent to a quinceanera is a big wedding complete with the dress, the venue, food, guest list and expectations, a court to accompany the girl, built in traditions, flowers, decorations, entertainment, and so on. In fact, through my experiences working with students from central and south American countries, I told them that going to prom--which is something that does not exist in their countries--is like being a guest at a quinceanera or a wedding. This is such an important event that the girls keep the dress for other important events, and a lot of my girls wore their quinceanera dresses under their robes at graduation.
Story 2. Avoid mirrors, pictures and looking for approval from others... She has body dysmorphia. I have body dysmorphia and I have, at my worst, cried because I didn't want to take a picture. Get her in to therapy. She's young so she has potential of having a good outlook on herself later on. I am in my 30s and just started working on it. It's so hard to change your intrusive thoughts when you get so used to having them.
@@mattybrunolucaszeneresalas9072 Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations. Taken from the mayo clinic website. No where in their description does it mention weight. Nice try though.
I’m getting that vibe too. If OP stayed I bet spouse would’ve tried to publicly humiliate her for ruining his daughter’s birthday instead of you know focusing on his daughter
I've read so many of these type of story's that i know it isn't about the blueberies but something else why would he else ruin the cake that his wife made for his daughter I think he want to get rid of OP but doesn't have the guts to leave her so does something ridiculous so she will leave him
Story 5: Honestly, I would've taken the offer from OP, that all sounds delicious! The ex has no respect for OP and his cooking. Apparently, she thinks that OP simply wanting to cook her food makes her domestic and a housewife, and…people are backing her up? Geez, what's her problem? I too think this is why she was divorced
Story 2: Not gonna lie: I don't think OP could have said the right thing no matter what she said. If she said her daughter was beautiful beyond the stars and moon, the daughter likely would have told OP that she's lying or would have gone away just not believing her. She called her _average,_ not ugly. OP said she looked like any other face on earth which is probably the best answer she could give. It's like asking about opinions on a dress that you personally don't like, but you want someone else to be the bad guy and say it for you so you keep asking them what they think about the dress and repeatedly say, "Be honest, c'mon be _honest,_ what do you REALLY think?" And then they get mad when you say you don't really like it. My mother used to tell me that my BMI was bs because I had very dense bones that are tightly wrapped in muscle. Didn't believe her for years. I'm 22 now and it turns out she was right. Like, scientifically correct. She's just being a teenager, OP couldn't have won here.
Umm clearly there WAS a better answer u sit ur kids down and talk about how beauty standards are skewed and she is beautiful nonetheless and how beauty comes in different shapes and sizes. Calling someone average ?? Come on. U have the power to empower ur kids
@@anonmous1284You know that this can be skewed into OP building up a narrative to support her "lie"? Yes, I agree that this is a bit better than saying "Average is good, average is you. You're not ugly, but you're not particularly beautiful either, just average", but still not a right answer. There is no right answer and telling her she's average is still not a bad answer.
I dont get why being average is an insults, for somone to be the best version of themselves they need to know there strength and weaknesses. The daughter is average on looks which is not bad, we have thousands of woman out there who veiw themselves as a goddess in beauty and deserve the top guy. I would say op was a little rude but the daughter is not going to grow up delusional.
Story 2: I think OP was in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If she told her daughter "yes, you're beautiful," the daughter might have detected sugar-coating after specifically telling her mother not to do that. Instead, OP ended up traumatizing her daughter. What was she supposed to do? Plead the fifth? Honestly, that would have been even worse.
Yeah exactly this. People are bashing OP in that story but what was she supposed to do? Tell her "you are beautiful, but let's get you some plastic surgery for that nose"? Plus OP is only human too - if it was said 1000 times she is beautiful and then she asked for no sugarcoating real opinion then obviously OP may crack. Just because you are parent doesn't mean you suddenly aren't human full of faults and are a superhero without any.
Traumatizing her daughter? Girl was told she looked average, something the majority of the human population is. If daughter is traumatized over that then she needs to be in a psych ward. Or people should stop overreacting to very minor things, because saying she’s traumatized over this is like throwing away a cake because it didn’t have blueberries on top. A complete overreaction.
@@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64 You're right. Being average is nothing to be ashamed of. If 70% of people think they're above average, then at least 20% of people are wrong - possibly more than that, if anyone who actually is above average thinks they're below average for some reason.
I get that he's grieving and struggling but what he did is beyond Unforgivable. Treating the lack of blueberries in the cake like it's the end of the world.
I think it goes beyond grieving. He wants a replacement and needs serious help. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told his daughter that OP didn’t make a cake or some other lie to throw OP under the bus. How much do you bet the cake he bought didn’t have blueberries 🫐?
Right? Anybody who asks for money for a thing, but turns down the thing itself? Yeah, that's a big red flag right there. No way that cash is going towards what they say it is.
Story 2: I don't think lying to your kid is the healthy way to deal with her getting bullied. You probably need to think outside the box on this one. How do you get her to be less insecure? She needs to deal with the fact that some people have it easier in some things in life. We all do. I'd ask her if she feels unsupported, and how to work on that. Her self-worth shouldn't be based on her looks, and she needs to learn that somehow. There's nothing wrong with her, and she needs to be reassured of that, but lying is not a great way to parent a child.
I agree on some points :-) definitely don’t lie but I think being too blunt, especially if it contradicts what you’ve told her before can be harmful. If her whole life you said she’s beautiful then when she asks for the truth you say she’s average that’s going to feel like you lied her whole life. It must be really hard forming your own self image as a teen when it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone else out there on the internet. I personally would have said, I think you’re beautiful because I love the way you smile, I love the way your eyes remind me of my mom etc. put actual characteristics to the looks that are hers and not compared to everyone else. Then if she still says you are sugar coating it, ask why she finds it so hard to believe? Lying is never good but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is subjective not objective. Treating it as objective just encourages more comparison because that’s the only way to measure then.
Basicly don't lie, but always explain in gfeat detail how the world works at the appropriate times. Point out actual talents and genuine acomplishments. Teach the kid to stand up for itself and how to deal with bullies. (I recoment self defense as early as possible. You learn confidence, discipline, how to defend yourself and not be afraid of confrontatioms and lay a foundation to be fit throughout life! Wich also boosts physical confidrnce by the fitness that is acgually earned. It also is a group activity that builds social confidence and skills.) But i agree. Lying 24/7 telling an avarage looking teen they are supermodrls wont do them any good. Its on par with "You are so smazing at singing" be fore they humimisze themselves live on tv. On the other hand op did it VERY blunt. You need to elaborate how over 90% of women hide avarage looks with makeup etc. And to also acknowledge other great aspects she has others do not.
I wonder how Rslash would feel if op in the last stories was like fine do a vegan dinner but when it comes to my turn to host I’m doing full meat no vegan options. Cause same rules apply right? it’s just a streak, and op hosts and is paying for it, his sister can either eat it or sook in the corner. She can just go to maccas and get a salad.
Fourth story: She ruined a 3000 dollars' dress over jealousy?! Either she pays or she has to be emancipated in my opinion. A quinceañera is a huge deal for all the money that goes into it. I think my father is still paying the loans he took for my sister's and that was 9 years ago.
Story 2- THATS NOT VANITY!! Those were the actions I had displayed before i developed an eating disorder when younger. Wanna know what pushed me over the edge? My mother and things she used to say to me. EDs aren’t pretty, and it’s forever there in the back of your head when you develop those thoughts. Get! Your! Daughter! Help! It made me so mad how she called it vanity and exhausting to deal with in her post. How can you type that and think “yep this makes me look like a good parent”
Story 2: idk, the parents told her all the time she was beautiful, and one day the daughter asked for complete honesty, no sugarcoating, no lying, does she look ugly. And OP said she is perfectly average like most of humanity, which doesn’t sound that great but it’s a very fair point, they don’t call it average for nothing
@@dangusmedia It would completely destroy my trust going forward if i asked a close one to tell me the honest truth without holding back, but they still lied. Idk, maybe that's just me, maybe there are people who would rather be lied to when asking for complete honesty from a close one? For them to just keep on lying to make them feel better? o_O
The parents should probably start with the root of the problem.. the girl is apparently being bullied at her school for her looks. That's an extremely hurtful thing to go through. I don't think it really mattered what they tell her (if she looks average or amazing), unless they fix that situation at school, the kid is heading for trouble.
@@wilgenkatje This is the big thing. The daughter would have been upset with any answer mom would have given her because she is being bullied by a group of people. If mom had said she was beautiful, she wouldn't have believed her. If mom had said she was ugly, she would have felt all the bullying was confirmed. And we see what the result is when she gave the answer she did. This was--unfortunately--a trap. Parents need to get daughter 1-on-1 therapy, and maybe a few family sessions down the road. They also need to get in contact with the school and get that shit locked down.
@@N0xietyPersonally I agree. I hate the feeling of people lying to me even if it’s a well intentioned one. People usually aren’t all “ugly” or all “pretty”. For me I feel I’m pretty dang average looking and am self conscious about things like my teeth but I get compliments on my hair all the time. Mom doesn’t need to lie she needs to be honest in her compliments (and say them often) not just her criticisms.
I asked my dad why boys didn't like me when I was 12. He told me "There is nothing you can do about it honey, redheads are just naturally homely". So yeah, I'm ugly, nothing I can ever do will fix it. Thanks dad! It will always be a core memory.
I feel like the comments are so divided on story 2. Daughter asked mom for an honest opinion, no sugar-coating. Mom gives an honest opinion, no sugar-coating. Daughter gets shocked that mom's opinion isn't what she wanted to hear. That's all there is to it. After going back and listening to the story again though, I wonder if the daughter wasn't necessarily upset that her mother told her she was average but that she felt like she'd been lied to by her parents for years about her looks? Being average isn't a bad thing, but I guess when you really think about it, when you're told by your parents you're beautiful constantly only to be told "actually, you're really average" would kind of sting. OP DID do the right thing starting out by talking to her daughter about seeing a therapist. OP recognized that there is an issue because her daughter is constantly obsessed over her looks and felt like a professional could help her more than she could. They could probably even help her daughter process OP's comments.
Yeah, once again a horribly wrong take for a story. No way the parent is the asshole on this story for hurting their kids feelings. Also average looks isn't like it's a 5/10. More like a 7/10.
I feel like OP should've come at it from a different angle. Explain to her daughter that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that OP thinks she's a beautiful person, but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone will, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how it is for everyone. Then also explain that the kids at school that bully her about her looks are likely extremely insecure about their own appearances, so they feel the need to put her down to make themselves feel better, because they aren't as kind/strong/etc (basically try to compliment something other than looks here) as OP's daughter for not being better people. Then OP needs to make the school put a stop to the bullying. Something like that. Either way, OP needs to learn that you can be honest and still have tact.
Last story: I wouldn't argue with my sister about her menu, I'd just go fetch a couple buckets from the Colonel and anyone who wanted some bird would be free to help themselves... while supplies last.
16:48 as a vegetarian saying this: If you expect there to always be vegan options, even if it's just an afterthought, you should at least offer something that's not vegan. Saying "it's just for one day" as an argument also goes in reverse, and you could expect some people to not make vegan options next time they host. Just make a modest amount of like carbonara, and put your efforts towards making the vegan stuff more appealing to the majority. This way, you can inspire those that want to accept, while not coming across as demanding while not catering to others.
That's a really stupid comparison. Omnivores not wanting a vegan meal is purely a taste preference. Vegans not wanting animal products is a choice made based on their ethics and morals.
Story 1: Blueberries are probably her favorite thing, so understandably they are super important, but in todays day and age even walmart have a 1h delivery window for express orders so it would be easy to get blueberries rather than tossing the whole cake. Divorce territory, it starts with a cake and only gets worse the husband needs help.
Last story: if the other family members didn't provide a vegan option for her, would you have the same attitude? I think that would be the obvious answer here. If you are one of the members who don't want an all vegan menu, no longer cater when you host. "It's only one meal, just go to a salad bar after"
That's a really stupid comparison. Omnivores not wanting a vegan meal is purely a taste preference Vegans not wanting animal products is a choice made based on their ethics and morals.
So for the first story I’m curious about how the step daughter felt. Like does she know that her dad threw out her cake because there were no blueberries or did he tell her that OP messed it up? Does she actually like blueberries or was this just something that her mom would add to her cakes?
I wouldn’t be surprised if her dad told her that OP messed up her cake. In fact I think spouse hoped OP would’ve stayed so he could “display her incompetence” by not having a cake with blueberries
Sorry story 2: but her avoiding mirrors and photos isn’t vanity it’s anxiety. This isn’t a personality flaw it’s symptoms of mental illness if it’s exhausting for you imagine how exhausting it is for her. Ugh.
Story 2: I’m torn here. On the one hand, I had a mother who constantly judged my appearance, so I can’t say that I relate. If she would have told me i’m beautiful and then it turned out to be not really her opinion, it would really hurt. However, at 14 years old and after specifically asking for the truth, this girl needed a mind shift. I probably would have answered something like “beauty is subjective” then “most people are average including you”. Still, I get why the mother couldn’t just keep using placating compliments.
I can't believe that the dude who literally yelled at his wife over blueberries and throw away his daughter birthday cake got a less butthole score that the mom in the 2° story, who just say her daughter was average looking. Like WTF? That's not "bullying".
It’s not bullying when the daughter asked for no sugar coating and saying she’s average isn’t bullying and the dad in the first story well if you watched yesterday’s episode you will see rslash has a bias when it comes to father daughter relationships as if he’s had that type of relationship for 20 years or something it’s getting weird
Honestly, the scores have been off and inconsistent lately. There were a few previous stories where it was clear that someone should've been at least a 3, but they get .5 - 1. But again, it is all subjective too. Lol
Um... that's bullying. From your own parent. The guy in the first story is insane, but OP can easily walk away. OP in the looks story is being mean to their own kid.
@@Richard_Nickerson What? OP literally said that she and the husband always reasure the daughter she's pretty every other time she asked, because they understand she's insecure. Is the other kids who bully her, not the mom. She didn't even say anything mean, saying somebody is "average" is not an insult.
Why can't OP have also told her the truth that whatever she may think of her nose, how she looks now is likely not how she'll look permanently? She'll likely grow into it.
Story 2: It wasn't that op called their daughter ugly. In fact, I agree that average isn't ugly. 1) The daughter is being bullied. We don't know how long it's been going on, but probably at least six months or more. 2) Overtime being repeatedly being told something negative will always destroy you faster than someone repeatedly over being uplifted by someone telling you something positive. 3) The daughter is depressed, she's struggling to believe the positive things over the negative. 4) The daughter needs therapy, and some help with the bullying. Judgement: I don't believe OP is an AH, more just on the clueless scale? Definitely handled it wrong, but I can't fault them either. Everyone reacts differently to situations, and in op's mind they're convinced the daughter shouldn't be so hurt by something like this. Which I agree that appearance is considered too much as a society. Just remember that not everyone thinks that appearances are overrated and especially teenagers. To most teenagers, appearance is practically everything and op's daughter will need therapy and support to be reminded and learn that it's not the case. Self hatred is more easily learned that self love and self worth. No AHs here (except the bullies), they just need to have a better heart to heart discussion, though I believe they should probably do it in therapy vs. on their own.
I think the mom deserves a small butthole score due to the fact that if someone repeatedly tells you something like "you're so beautiful." And then when you ask them in a serious setting they go "Well, no, you're just average." Destroys any little bit of positivity that they gained from hearing they are beautiful because now they know it's just a lie. Now she's not going to believe anyone who tells her that, because her mom, who told her that repeatedly, just told her basically that it's a lie to shut her up. I haven't listened to RSlash's take yet, but... Being bullied at school and then having my parents constantly try lifting me up by telling me all sorts of things helped a little, and then my dad got mad at me and started to spew things about how I was worthless, and it was then that I realized that every time he had said he was proud of me wasn't in the face of me, but rather the accomplishment itself. So.... I might just be biased. But the mom was informed of her bullying and then did that within the same time frame, that's fucked.
@@lillylovegood2300 I love the mentality that anyone disagreeing with you must be a troll. Like if that's your only valid argument, then you're not ready to be an adult yet
"Do you really think I'm beautiful?" "Of course I do honey, everyone has different features, different things about themselves that make them unique and wonderful, you have a nose that makes you unique and wonderful and beautiful but not everyone will see and appreciate that. Those people and their opinions don't matter. You are absolutely gorgeous and beautiful and one day I hope you can see yourself the way your Father and I do. I know it's difficult to talk about sweetheart but when you're ready I think it'd be important for the both of us to go together and talk to someone who can help you work out your concerns but know that there is never a time or place that your Father and I think of you as any less than beautiful, that's the honest truth." There. Fixed it. Easiest thing in the world. It's not vanity to be a teenager concerned over her looks, she expressed a clear sign of bullying and rather than acknowledge THAT and tackle THAT head on you affirmed the worst of what her BULLIES said about her. You supported her bullies and their cruelty over her. Beauty is not some strict guideline, it's a concept and in the eye of the beholder and you have absolutely no right to determine what is and isn't beautiful, shame on you for not doing better when you yourself say you experienced the same cruelty. 3/5 imo, this will absolutely traumatize her and make her feel like she can't come to you for the most basic role in the world; love, warmth and SUPPORT.
@@destinedtogameeven if that's true, he completely overreacted. He's going to throw the cake in the trash instead of just going to get blueberries? Really? Nah that's BS
Core memory: The day my sister told me to stop using my fake laugh... when I in fact was laughing for real. "There is no way your laugh is that ugly" and that was the day I stopped laughing. I laugh so rarely that whenever I do my cat comes to check if I'm okay. My sister has forgotten this completely, it was just a thing she said to her little brother because she was annoyed
oh, ouch. thats terrible. difference here is that thats just, mean. laugh away, dude. laughter is always a good thing, and anyone who says ugly laughing is bad is just plain wrong.
I haven't seen anyone get to the main point of the second story: It's not about calling her daughter ugly since she didn't, but it's the point to teach her that it isn't her job to be liked by everyone, she has more redeeming qualities than looks and that it she will never have the same opinion with everyone, shitty ass kids in school only show they are insecure themselves by bullying her, otherwise they wouldn't do it. Pushing her confidence down so their own low confidence is above that. There are people who love certain characteristics, and it is not her job to fit into the mould these kids try to push her in, but find a place where she is accepted as she is. Ask her what she thinks about the other kids in her class. Are they all beautiful? I highly doubt there is a perfect person in her class, and I don't think she would call anyone outright ugly herself. This shift in perspective, together with a therapist, will help her.
i feel like im insane because there's also the fact that these are painfully clear self esteem and body issues and the mom called her vain in her own post like??? that may not look like it but it says a LOT of how she sees her daughter
Story 1: What you should have done was grad the trash a throw it on him, then leave his ungrateful ass. And what the hell is the matter with your parents, this dude was way out of line and they're on his side? If it was so important and he had time to go to a bakery why couldn't you just grab some blueberries from the store, even though you don't know if it's a big deal because you're SD never got it, if she's so ungrateful that blueberries would ruin her entire birthday party then she doesn't deserve your hard work. You didn't make it seem your husband did for thinking he can treat you like dirt then expect you to be all smiles about it, and I bet despite thrashing his daughter's cake he was telling all the gates about how you ruined the party. Never let someone especially your SO treat you like that .
Something we don't know in this story is if there is some kind of tradition like the dead mother used to always bake a cake with blueberries on top and that's why he was so adamant about it ? Otherwise I totally agree with you.
@@xxoxEMxoxx Well it seems obvious but I've seen enough stories where people leave out crucial information so there's that. Just wanted to point out a potential yet unlikely scenario that would mitigate the husband's reaction. Not trying to defend him at all costs lol
Story 5: I see your ex tried to con money out of you with a BS sod story. Some people are going to be on their side no matter what, you're the man and that's the only reason people will be against you. What's insulting is our argument doesn't even make any sense but it doesn't matter. I mean you should still call her out for lying about not having any food and refusing to take the two weeks worth of food when you believed her because anyone important or at least with half a brain will be on your side.
Even if I have a kitchen full of food if someone offers me free food like that I'm gonna take it. Give me a bag of rice and cans of beans and veggies and I can make a meal for 4 for days. It may get boring but everyone will be fed. Throw in a roast and the possibilities are endless. Only entitled lazy people who have never faced starving would turn down Op's offer. The struggle is real
Especially since she wanted Uber Eats. There's an insane mark-up of delivery fees and tips that basically double the price. If she can drive, she's better off going over there and getting her food instead. It's much cheaper.They're better off just eating at home if they're in a financial bind.
I still have the memory of when I asked my mom if I was pretty and she said she wouldn’t say that. But that I was “cute”. I was probably about 8 years old. I am now 64. And I still remember how I felt in that moment. I don’t hold this against my mom’s memory. (She died quite young). But yes, interactions like this can become “core memories”.
Errr not the best answer, could or couldn’t be, but if she’s that insecure then it would be bad. I think she should change school because of how her classmates are bullying her
girl needs therapy and supportive parents; to be honest, the way OP talked about "vanity" really weirded me out - I think OP needs to see a different perspective at the whole situation
@@DianaWanMaI agree but just hyping her up is obviously not helping. What she should had address is the bullies causing harm to her daughter. Then talk about how she obviously not ugly and raise her esteem up. Then finished it up by not letting random beauty standards defy who she is and reminding her she's here to help. Tbh, I'm surprised she didn't know she messed up when her daughter left mid conversation.
@olganovikova4338 that concerned me too, since "vanity" usually has a negative association to it. Perhaps OP thinks their daughter is just being shallow rather than struggling with self worth.
Story 6: normally i would agree with rslash but if it a reoccurring event and the other people respect her vegan lifestyle its kinda rude to not consider the taste of your family, i mean you don't have to cook their favorite meal but wouldn't it be a nice gesture to cook something you know your family likes and giving them the option to try new stuff
I feel like OP needs to offer to bring some non vegan dishes. For those who would prefer that. If the sister still throws a hissy fit, then she is forcing her lifestyle on them. Then she would be the butthole.
For story 2 I’m confused, all op said to her daughter was that she was “average looking”, not “ugly as hell” or anything like that, she just like the majority of the population
fr i thought that was pretty stupid. the girls 14, thats a highschooler. highschoolers should be old enough to deal with the answer they asked for. sure, kids are cruel, but for christs sake she asked for honesty and she got it, its not even negative honesty. this girl has been fishing for compliments because of her insecurity and the moment she doesnt get an answer she wants she throws a fit
Throwing a fit?? All she did was get upset and go to her room. She has a right to be upset. You guys are acting like she’s a brat. She’s a hormonal insecure child who is facing bullying that is affirming her insecurities. Maybe the mom didn’t intend to hurt the daughter but I do agree with Rslash this might just CRUSH her and she’s allowed to be upset about that.
Plus, OP has been telling her that she's the most beautiful girl in their eyes. The daughter asked the honest truth, no sugarcoating...also, she kind of has an unhealthy obsession with her appearance. If anything, OP was stupid and made bad choice in words, but was not malicious. Giving OP #2 3/5 and the husand of OP #1 only 2/5 after throwing out an entire home baked cake...rSlash off again...
@@HackiePuffs um, yeah. throwing a fit. going to her room and refusing to talk. being average isnt a bad thing, and thinking that it is is just inherently wrong. "boo hoo, im not above average in looks" who cares??? at least you arent below average, how do you think those people feel??
Story 4- so he does understand that if your bio child bullies your step child you need to punish them. Guess it doesn’t apply if the one doing the punishment is a farther.
The insecure daughter: she does need a therapist (and it sounds like she has body dysmorphia). My mother said something similar like that to me (and I have it and it’s very hard to break).
Husband: wife! **You** are overreacting for getting upset that I threw out the cake! Also husband: throws out a homemade birthday cake because blueberries are out of season...
In the last story, she volunteered to host. If she doesn’t want to accommodate for guests that gave her that respect in the past, then she shouldn’t expect people to come.
And there's an easy fix if she doesn't want to make any meat dishes: Ask for others to bring a dish they like to add to the spread. That's literally what happens in my family when the vegetarians host. And they cook some good food so it's not a loss or anything.
... but it's not the same tough? A vegan person has sworn off certain kinds of food. it's not like non-vegan people have done the same. What, they swore of vegetables?? You've ever had a cheese pizza? BAM, you've had a vegetarian meal. I'm not vegan, but I cook a vegan meal sometimes. It's a food style to me, like Mexican food or Indian food. There's no reason why they can't eat food without animal products.
@Jazzisa311 Pizza sauce and the whole area has meat. Something can't be Gluten Free if you work with Gluten in the same building.... Same thing. Also Veganism isn't vegetarianism.......
This is exactly what I thought. She'd expect them to provide one or two vegan options when a non-vegan hosts, but she can't extend the same energy? I get it if she's the only vegan in a room of 40+ people she'd be making more non-vegan food than she would prefer. But at that point why even bother offering to host?
Nah the last story the other family members provide vegan options on the holiday it’s not about to be a salad, it’s vegan replacement products that she is going to serve, which is rude as hell. Make it a potluck, serve non vegan options or don’t host. Get outta here with that score for the non vegan family members
It's different because they just make more of the food they don't mind eating themselves, and she would be forced to make food she doesn't eat (or may not even know how to prepare). it's just 1 meal for them, they'll survive
I get it. Its nice to try to share your lifestyle with family, but some people (kids and elderly) might not be open to a vegan diet. Throwing some nuggets in the oven and a premade meatloaf from the store for the elderly would help with. She doesnt even have to make it if she feels it's wrong. But r u gonna look ur poor pop in the eyes and tell him, oh, u should be having an iron rich diet? Guess u better pop a few extra iron pills old man. I take care of my grandfather and while Im open to eating a fully vegan, my pop wouldnt be. And i would be mad he didnt have the option of meat since his age means he wont get the nutrients he needs on a vegan diet. One meal might not hurt at the time, but it wont fill him (might only nibble to tide him over til he can find something more filling later) and if the host finds out the older folks resorted to getting food elsewhere to fill their needs (since she didnt give the option) she would probably feel extremely insulted.
i think the butthole score for story 2 was SUPER unfair. op says theyve been supporting their daughter and telling her shes pretty and stuff, and shes 14. 14 is an age where you should be mature enough to handle the truth that you ask for. and the thing is, OP didnt even call her ugly.. she called her average. which, last time i checked, being average is just fine, seeings how most of the population is average. seems unfair to give op a whole 3.5/5 when the abusive husband in the previous story only got 2/5???
You do realize that some people can't handle the truth, even older than 14,right? In some cases, it has nothing to do with your age, it's your mental state.
@@kelleyk28 Unfortunately that's just tough t*tties. The truth always comes to light one way or another. Whether or not someone can handle the truth says a lot about a person's strength or lack thereof not about whether or not the other person was right or wrong.
@@CheeseMiser That wasn't what I meant. I have absolutely no self-esteem. I think the last time was when I was 5. It's more of trying to help them keep self-esteem. It doesn't have to be a lie. Or false hope. Sometimes, just hearing the words can build you up, because you expect your parents to find you beautiful. That's why I still don't believe my mom. She has to say that because she's my mom. But, if enough people tell you you aren't, who are you going to believe? As a parent, you're trying to help build your child's self-esteem, so the world doesn't destroy it and your kid ends up in therapy for the rest of their lives. A small example. The former principal of, I think, the grade school my brother went to, talked with my mom a lot when my brother was getting bullied. (This was in the 90s) Her daughter had a BA or MA, not sure. She was beautiful and married a wonderful man. She was still in therapy. So, whatever her mother tried, didn't work. She was a very nice woman and no tolerance for bullying, but, somehow, she had been unable to help her daughter. If telling your child she's beautiful helps them, then do it. If she keeps asking, the therapist is definitely needed.
@@truthseeker9249 Aaand, that's how some people become serial killers. Also, just because you can tell people the truth about something, doesn't mean you should. It's called empathy.
Story 2: When your child asks you not to lie, you don't lie. Full stop. Because if you do, no matter what you say in the future, that child will never believe it and, often times, will assume your intentions are the worst possibility. If she had lied and said that she's beautiful, the daughter wouldn't have believed it anyways because it's not the truth. The truth is the best possibility out of this no-win situation. If a child is sad about being average looking, something is wrong.
Bake him a cake with some divorce papers next to it. Story5: So OP is forcing her to be a mom? Isn't that what she is supposed to be doing, cooking for her kids? I would be looking into that custody agreement.
I think the sister in the last story was in the wrong, her family always made accommodations for her instead of forcing her to eat their food. But now the roles are reversed and she’s not being accommodating at all and is trying to force her family to eat according to HER standards!
Veganism is a food limitation, she can't eat what they can, however they can absolutely eat vegan food, so it's not the same thing. It'd be the same if they were celiac or something
I’ve actually been called average by my parents as well. And yeah, it forms a blue core memory. Sure I’m a guy, but that’s not something you want to hear from your own parents. I didn’t even prompt it. It just came up naturally in conversation. Now I never believe any compliments on my looks. Parents, your words hold a ton of weight in your child’s mind, so choose them carefully.
Rslash, rslash, rslash... you completely missed the point of story 2. She wasn't being mean, she was being honest. The mother didn't say "yeah, you're pretty ugly" she said you're average looking like almost everyone else. (Most likely the mom included) The daughter ASKED to be HONEST, she can't complain about the result.
Story 1: "He later called and then texted about how I overreacted and hurt him and my stepdaughter by leaving." What? If anyone is overreacting here, it's HIM. He made a big fuss over some blueberries and literally THREW THE CAKE IN THE TRASH. And to tell OP to "Stop it" when she got mad. Look, I get grieving and struggling is understandable, but taking it out on the cake and OP is very unacceptable. Dude is a massive AH and needs serious help. This isn't normal at all. NTA.
That last story..... So to sum it up the sister has been accommodated for for years at family gatherings. Even though since others were hosting going by r/slash's take they totally didn't have too and could have completely excluded her and basically left her nothing to eat despite the gathering being for EVERYONE not just the people hosting. Now that she's hosting she doesn't want to return that kindness that literally everyone else in her family has shown her. But it's okay just because she's doing the cooking. I'm sorry but that's just not okay. If literally her entire extended family has made an effort to accommodate her at family events then she can return that kindness to them. Just because she's cooking doesn't give her the right to essentially exclude who knows how many people who don't want to eat vegan dishes. After all who's to say there will even be something that anyone would eat normally like salad? She could easily make a vegan meal that doesn't include a dish that people who aren't vegan would eat normally anyway or that only includes ingredients such as tofu that people who aren't vegan just don't want to eat majority of the time. If I were her I would simply expect most of her extended family to not show up and to make the decision that she isn't allowed to host any gathering ever again. She is simply being super inconsiderate even though everyone else was considerate of her.
Unless she was exclusively preparing food items from ingredients the other family members refuse to eat on religious or moral grounds, she IS accommodating all guests. Ask yourself: do you have meat in each and every food item you consume? In every bread, salad, dessert, drink? If the answer is no, you can eat from a vegan menu. There will probably be bread, salad, vegetables, various kinds of condiments, patties from rice and beans ... all perfectly normal food items you'd probably pick yourself when at a buffet. If she was preparing deer, you wouldn't be complaining that there wasn't any beef, chicken or pork. Yet, when she prepares other foods that you'd normally eat as well, you get all offended by the label vegan? If the answer is yes, you have meat in each and every food item, including your bread, muffins, ice cream and beer, then you are gross ... 🤮 Sorry to say so, but your take is stupid. I've yet to find someone who exclusively consumes meat on moral or religious grounds. Not getting offered a specific ingredient in a particular meal isn't the same thing as only having food options that you won't be able to consume for whatever reason. If she was lactose intolerant and not preparing anything including diary while cooking for you, would you complain as well that she forces her non-dairy lifestyle onto you?
Exactly what i was thinking as well. Rslash really missed the mark on that one. Yes she is hosting, yes she can choose what she offers, but she is basically spitting in their faces and showing how little she appreciates them accomodating her. A very selfish person who only cares about getting what she wants and nobody else.
I was going to say that as well. I tend to make sure that everyone has something that they can eat when they come over. Heck if I had someone come over that was a vegetarian or vegan I would use completely different set of pots and pans then put it separate on the counter to avoid contaminating it with stuff that they don't eat.
This is so silly? Someone who is vegan might have moral qualms about buying or preparing animal products. A vegan cooking food with animals is NOT the same as a someone who eats meat including vegan options. It's genuinely just stupid to suggest it's the same thing. Imagine telling a Muslim that they HAVE to serve pork and alcohol at parties and get togethers. Muslims are not allowed to eat pork, and I don't think many even allow it inside of their home at all. Forcing a Muslim to accommodate trivial preferences ("I think pork tastes better than chicken." would be so stupid, and literally just an insult to their beliefs. Everyone is capable of eating vegan dishes. They're not mad because they don't like vegan food, but because they're petty.
This isn't about one of the stories, but directly for Dabney (sorry, don't remember how you spell it). I get what you're doing telling your daughter that she's beautiful often, you're trying to make it a rock solid truth in her mind that she's beautiful. But there is a very big risk in that, which might not be so obvious on first glance. When you praise her by saying that she's beautiful, you're tying the praise you give her to her physical appearance. That means that her self esteem will be tied to how beautiful she precieves herself to be, and if she ever starts to doubt the beauty of her physical appearance she will see herself as worth less. In stead, try praising her for other attributes in stead. Praise her actions, her kindness and her bravery. Make sure her self worth is tied to deeper attributes than just her looks. Looks and your perception of them can change, but if you make sure to tie her self worth to the core of who she is she will have far greater resilience.
I totally agree with this, but as a kid who grew up average looking with severe ED, it doesn't kill mothers to tell their daughters they are beautiful in addition to being kind and intelligent. If anything, it builds greater resilience to have learned as an adult that someone can find beauty in what the rest of society might call flaws because the concept of beauty doesn't have to be rigid. If a parent can't nurture at least that much, kid doesn't stand a chance. I'm not disagreeing with you though, I think I'm just leaving the message in the world that parents are allowed to tell their insecure daughters they are beautiful and kind and they won't create entitled monsters because the rest of the world outside will never hesitate to tell them how unpretty they are.
@@frozensherbet2 of course. But it should be treated more like being tall (true physical attribute to take positive ownership of) than being kind (something that makes your parents proud).
Last Story: It’s either a NTA, ESH, or NAH situation for however you look at it. NTA: OP didn’t force her to stop or threaten her, just let her know the probable outcome of serving only vegan food for people who don’t want to eat it ESH: Admittedly, OP probably sounds forceful on how she asks the sister to not make just vegan food, but the sister blew that out of the water with some disproportionate retribution NAH: OP just tells the sister kindly, and the sister just wants to show her family something new. Not wanting to eat vegan food is OK. Saying “it’s just a salad” is like saying a “hamburger is just a sandwich” to a vegan. They COULD eat it, they just choose not to. Also the argument of “ITS JUST ONE MEAL” also applies that same logic when turned around. They respected her choices of food, now she should respect theirs. She could even just tell them to bring their own food and it’s all hunky dorie.
The problem with story two is that it's a new win situation, the daughter will feel inferior for her looks, grades, strength, or skills because she's in high school with someone of the meaniest people around. She'll have to learn to grow and love herself no matter what folks say. It's just a sad part of life.
The reason I think OP is the asshole is not because she called her daughter average, but because she called her daughter's insecurities over her looks *because she was being bullied* "vanity." Like that shows a serious disconnect. Vanity is when you think you're overly *prideful* about your looks. That girl wasnt overly prideful. She was confused because her family was telling her one thing and her bullies were telling her another. Then her mom is "honest" because of her "vanity."
Op isn't the asshole. Her daughter asked for honesty. She should be prepared for it. Granted it could have been said in a different way , but she said nothing negative. Focus of non physical traits more. Because what others find attractive varies.
So everyone can accommodate the vegan sister when they're hosting but she can't accommodate them when she's hosting. Simple solutions, either don't let her host again or stop accommodating her when its their turn.
I don't really think that's the best way to think of it. Because vegan food is not the same thing to an omnivore as animal products are to a vegan. Omnivores already eat vegan food normally. The issue is also kind of similar to the abortion issue, since one side feels like the other side is morally abhorrent, like maybe literal murderers, but that other side just thinks the first side is, like, conceptually incorrect. Most people have some kind of morality, and there's always going to be some group of people who go against your ideals, and it just seems like across the board people are not really in agreement with how to handle such situations of the two sides coexisting.
@peterchung2262 because most people don't eat JUST vegan food. At the end of the day 99% of vegans don't do it as a requirement, it's a lifestyle choice that they've chosen for themselves. Having a balanced, varied and nutritious diet is what people should strive for, and that includes meat.
It's her party. She told them in advance what she is serving. They can come or not come, eat it or not eat it. They can make suggestions or requests, but directing her what to serve is just plain rude.
Let's change the scenario here. Suppose she keeps kosher and the rest of the family does not. She invites them over for a kosher meal, and they demand that she serve something not kosher. Do you still think she should accommodate them? (FYI, the process of making your kitchen kosher again after it has been contaminated is kind-of involved.)
@MyFiddlePlayer I don't think she should or shouldn't accommodate them. What I am saying is that they will likely not accommodate her anymore, which is within their rights. Whether I agree with them or not is irrelevant.
6:12 As a daughter who hears her dad's voice, keep up the compliments! I would also recommend complimenting your kid on things she controls (like how hard she works at something) versus just complimenting things she can't fully control (like looks and smarts).
@@srij0n316 Okay, sure. I think my phrasing may have been off here. Yes, intelligence is malleable, but research has shown that when kids are praised for their intelligence versus their effort, they are more likely to avoid risks and often become focused on performance ("Gifted Kid Syndrome"). Additionally, I'd like to push back on your statement that intelligence is fully in the hands of the individual unless they have a disorder or disability. I know plenty of people with learning disabilities (and I have a learning disability) and "disorders" as you put it and they are some of the smartest people I know. Not only that, but I would argue that raw intelligence (think book smarts) is not entirely the most important form of intelligence. Sometimes someone who may have an insanely high IQ has absolutely no idea how the world works (street smarts) or how to interact with people (emotional intelligence). IQ is also only a measurement of reasoning ability (how well you can use information and logic to answer questions & make predictions); to count only that as a measure of how smart a person is would be reductive and far too simplistic. I encourage you to take a broader look at what makes a person "smart" and to consider that people do not become smart just for bragging rights. The smartest people are often that way because they are insatiably curious.
Last story: Honestly, I don't even care if she's hosting and paying for everything herself. (Edit: Would you really be ok with every other host refusing to prepare anything vegan as "they're the host and they're the one's paying" after all, rSlash? No effing way!) That argument would only stand if you *knew* that she was paying for the vegan options that everyone else prepared *specifically for her* every other year. She had food made especially for her for years on other people's dimes. She can't prepare a SINGLE dish that isn't vegan? She can't politely say "you're welcome to bring a roast if you'd like"? (Edit: Also, "it's a SALAD, just eat the salad!" is a TERRIBLE argument. 1. Salad really isn't enough on its own, 2. It's simply disingenuous because you KNOW that's not all it is. Most meat alternatives are disgusting... I've had plenty of poorly prepared tofu, and I hate mushrooms, squash & zucchini, etc.)
I agree with you. Everyone else has made a point of preparing vegan food for her even though they, themselves, do not necessarily care for it. That she will not show the same consideration for them is selfish. Trying to force your lifestyle/diet choices on others isn't right. Offer a choice and respect people's decisions the same way you expect them to respect your choices. I wonder how she would feel if, going forward, no one made any vegan options because "she can try something different for tonight."
I agree with you. Like yes it's one meal for one day but it's the family reunion. I don't know how large or how distant the OP's family is but for my family reunion it is a 6 hour flight. If I traveled 6 hours, paid for a hotel (I endure my family on the best days) and went to the reunion and the food was food I couldn't ear or just didn't like I would be annoyed. Like my family eats things like venison and one brought possum one year. If all the options were game I would be mad and probably order doordash. Is it rude? Yes but I'm not the only relative who would turn their nose up at it. Edit to add: Also imagine if the food was the hot topic not like the new baby or new spouse? Like instead of focusing on family you're too busy trying to figure out what you can and cannot eat.
No that's a dumb take. Entitled vegan people get rightfully called out if they make a scene complaining the food isn't vegan for them yet you're defending people complaining the food is vegan here? It's more outrageous considering vegan people can't eat non-vegan foods, but non-vegan people do eat vegan foods. To be fair, "it's a SALAD" is a stupid argument that only confuses people and really isn't funny.
The final story, yes. Its her party, she can cook whatever she wants. But people have the choice to attend or not if they don't like what is offered. I see no issues saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to your vegan party", if she is gonna be so stubborn about the menu
Perhaps the correct response is to follow her example for future menus? And then when she complains quote her that this is your chance to “showcase carnivorism” and that “for one meal everyone can give it a go”…
Agreed they accommodated her during all the other parties and why can't she do the same also she can buy like an already made chicken at the store if she doesn't like cooking meat
@@DarkShadow-ws4wo It’s human nature to eat meat. We’re omnivores for a reason, we have teeth for biting chunks of meat for a reason. It’s actually more unhealthy to be vegan than to be an omnivore. You’re missing nutrients only meat has. If you can’t accommodate people who have accommodated you, you need to check yourself and grow up.
Story 2: The daughter sounds like she has some pretty serious body dismorphia, becoming depressed by looking at yourself is concerning so op was right to suggest a therapist. And while the daughter probably wasn't actually looking for brutual honesty this is probanly a good thing long term. If nothing else is a good lesson in not asking for honesty if you don't actually want it.
Funny thing about the blueberry story is, The husband wanted to go buy a new blueberry cake from a bakery, so he had time.. Time that *could* have been spent going to a further away store and just, y'know..? buying blueberries? to top the cake?
Sounds like the cake is the same cake the dead mom used to make. He started going to a bakery when she died. Feels like there's trauma there and it was a big deal to him to get that element right. Though he could have gone out and gotten the blueberries himself. Either way he needs serious therapy
story 2: what OP said is a good life lesson, and something her daughter needs to hear/learn soon, but idk if that was the moment to do it. I think something along the lines of “to me you’re beautiful/perfect but not everyone is going to see what I see” would’ve been just as good. instead of the teaching moment OP was hopping for, that girl is gonna walk away with the core memory of “my mom thinks Im ugly” even if that wasn’t OP was trying to say at all. also jfc, you’re daughter isn’t vain, she’s FOURTEEN. she’s a TEEN. of course she’s self conscious, get her into therapy so it doesn’t turn into a life long problem
While it's a good message, the daughter avoiding mirrors and photos isn't just regular teenage anxiety about appearances. She legitimately needs a therapist, not a life lesson about how she's average looking
first story: Thats supposed to be a 12 year old girls favorite cake for her only 12th birthday. Of course there should be Blueberrys on top. Throwing the cake out instead of driving to the store for some blueberrys is where the dad is the ahole tho...
12 is old enough to understand that sometimes stores don’t have something. But yeah, if it was such a big deal it wouldn’t be hard to go to some stores and look for them himself.
The store was out of blueberries. I think the birthday girl will understand that the cake, that was her favorite flavor and icing, is still great without blueberries.
So hearing the first story, i thought maybe he was having a reaction about the cake because his dead wife is the one who used to make her cake and I guess she always put blueberries on her daughters cake and thats why he got upset, BUT after hearing what he did after that, yeah time to divorce him, he said SHE overreacted by leaving,but HE'S the one who overreacted over freaking blueberries, not the AH OP
For the last story, the thing that got me was that she was trying to use the family reunion as a showcase for her personal diet. She'd also not be the first person to cook food for a family event that she personally doesn't like. She doesn't mention never having vegan options before so I'm assuming some non vegans have made vegan dishes for her at previous reunions. She sounds more like the insufferable vegans you see memes about.
I would be petty, and the next time it was my turn to host, make all non vegan dishes and then tell her not to force her lifestyle on me when she complains.
Yeah I'm surprised rSlash didn't mention this, it makes the things pretty damn simple. If other hosts were making vegan dishes to accommodate her diet and she isn't willing to accommodate theirs when she hosts, she is 100% in the wrong, no question.
Yeah that's what I don't get and I was a bit annoyed when rslash said it was just a salad. It's probably not "just a salad" it's more like meat substitutes. And not everyone can handle that depending on who it is. Plus , her family have always made her vegan dishes so why can't she invite others to make non vegan dishes?
What the sister in the last story should have done was, "Look, I know not everyone in the family is vegan; but if you would all give me the chance, I would like to show what I can make. And I am willing to allow for you to each bring a non-vegan dish if you still want to."
Story 6: The whole family has been accommodating the vegan for three years by making sure there is something for her to eat. Reciprocity is respect. She should make sure something is available to accommodate everyone. That's just how being a good host works.
Thank you! I was thinking the exact same. They have been respectful with her so she needed to reciprocate and the only thing she did was make it all about herself and her beliefs.
Thank you I was thinking the same thing! I guarantee you that if it was the other way around and the family was giving Vegan options at their own rslash would have given them a butthole score. People are really weird with vegans and veganism like the same social rules don't apply. She expects the family to accommodate her while not being willing to accommodate the family to doesn't have her beliefs its so hypocritical.
The ex-wife asking for money for food is like the "homeless" guy in the parking lot of a strip mall. He says he needs money for food, but when you offer them food, they get angry. I remember one of these guys asking me for money for food as i was on my way into a McDonald's. I told him to follow me in and i would buy him breakfast. The guy gets a confused look on his face, then he says to just give him money because he doesn't like McDonald's. That was when i told him, "I guess you should be asking for "money for food" in a different parking lot then". After that i went inside and got my breakfast to go. When i came out and walked to my car, the guy gave me a dirty look. The guy didn't want food. He wanted my money to spend on who knows what. Well when it's my money, i get to decide how it gets spent. Same goes for your ex-wife. If she needs food like she said, she would take the food. She rejected the food because she wants your money to spend on who knows what. Your money, your decision. You offered her what she said she needed. She said no. Make sure to tell the people giving you crap exactly that.
And the part about expecting her to "act like a housewife?" WTF? He's not demanding she cook a meal for HIM, just that she be an adult and cook for herself and their kids. If you're an adult and you don't have money to eat out or eat takeout, but you have food in the house, you be an adult, get off your ass, look up a recipe and cook something. Everyone should know how to cook a basic meal.
Last story, in every event following this one: "What? No, we didn't think we'd keep a vegan option available, you can try something different for just one day. It's no big deal."
I really don't think the mom in the second story is necessarily a jerk. I know plenty of grown adults who never grew out of the emotional teenage response phase and the daughter did ask for no sugar coating. It's not like she was intentionally mean and it's not like she was wrong or lying.
@@ferzinhaN My guess would be "If you say anything other pretty or beautiful, you MUST be ugly" in today's culture of perception. Which is just...gross. But look on social media: Everyone needs to be a 10/10 on appearance no matter what, and if you say otherwise then you are the butthole. If R/slash is on social media reading these kinds of things then he may have adopted the mentality without knowing just from overexposure.
@@ferzinhaN in total agreement. Love the guy but when it comes to parenting sometimes, he gets real emotional and comes to black and white conclusions. Sometimes he's right (cuz some of those stories are so wild or blatant), sometimes he isn't.
Gotta disagree rslsah was right here. The daughter asking for no sugar coating is like a dog trying to reach for a piece of chocolate to eat it, the dog may think that's what it wants but clearly it would do more harm than good. Op claims she remembers what it was like to be a teenage girl then should remember how much positive enforcement will help in the long run
The cake with blueberries is tradition from his relationship with his late wife. He hasn’t gotten over her and thus when OP didn’t add the blueberries he took it as an attack on his late wife. That’s my thought process at least, either way OP should leave or rethink their marriage
He sounds like a monster. I don't care who tf you lost,if you're going to explode like that over trivial things,then there is a HUGE issue! There is NO excuse!
I'm about to be 31 and I still remember the day when I was 15 and my mom said to me "you would be pretty if you lost 20lb". That was closest she ever got to complimenting me and it has totally wrecked my view on myself. I still struggle with self worth. The only other compliments I got were the same way. Like: "you have beautiful hair. Unfortunately you don't take of it and it looks horrible". Like thanks mom. Totally had nothing to do with you not teaching me.
2nd story: totally disagree with rlash. the parent was not bullying their kid. being called average is fine. what is wrong with it? its the truth (and frankly better than being called ugly). she even said that they always told her she was pretty. having a bit of truth helps build the mind to see reality and not become delusional. many parents boosted their child's confidence to the point that the child was so delusional that they couldn't see that they were not pretty or had talent, and then they would blame the world when really it was the parents fault. being a teenager is about finding the medium in their life. and the their kid did say 'be honest' what really you should be focusing on this story is how the kid handles the comments from the other kids at school, and the parents should be helping their kid accept that beauty is the eye of the beholder and so accept yourself because you can't please everyone
Compliment your daughter on her strength, courage, intelligence, sense of humor, etc. Yes, sometimes her looks, but not solely.
I fully agree! I tell my daughter all the time how smart and clever she is. I compliment her on her hard work when she gets good grades. I rarely focus on her appearance.
My friend, on the other hand, only compliments his daughter's looks. Then he complains that she struggles in school. I have watched this little girl's ego shatter when my daughter, who is two years younger, finishes math problems in her head or reads books multiple grade levels above her. Her entire personality will become wrapped up in her appearance, and when she encounters girls that are better looking she will have nothing to fall back on.
I totally see the correlation to be made to compliment to build confidence but studies do show that saying something like "Do you feel so pretty?", "Do you love your hair today?!" and placing the identification in their hands is more effective. It makes them rely less on someone else validating them and gets them used to validating themselves
We need to remove the stigma that women are only good for their looks.
This! I came here to look for this comment
Choosing to compliment something people have control over such as how they styled their hair and clothing is also more effective than things they were born with like their eye color or cheekbones. Whenever people compliment my necklace or how my hair is, it means more to me than them complimenting my eyes.
The husband who throw out a perfectly good cake and said his wife was over reacting, well that's a prefect example of the pot calling the ketal black if I've ever seen one
don't you mean a kettle?
Yep. Op's parent's are also buttholes for downplaying what he did.
No stress justefied shitting on all the work and effort the Wife put in, then shame and barrade her for not "doing it properly and good enough". Not putting in enough effot etc.
Thats NOT acceptable behavior. And not a person you'd want to marry man or woman.
Lets say your wife asks you to build her daughter a idk...let's say a new cupboard. You buy the material, you spend hours prepping each piece, then put it together but oh.. she wanted silver handles. But the local stores were out. So you use grey ones.
Then your wife thrashes it and complains that it wasn't good enough. And you didnt put in enough effort. Etc.
Same issue, and reason to seperate if you ask me. Because if this is reaccuring behavior there is no way that is a good enviorment to live in with no room to alter from the partners insane expectations.
@@TrafalgarWaterDLaw-dl5cm i can feel the pure flames coming from those typos
go eat an ice cream
And since it was the step daughter's cake it would be up to her to decide if she was happy with the lack of blue berries or not.
Heck she might of been mature enough to accept that her step mom is trying her best to do what she can.
Honestly. With HIS over-reaction. It's either couples counseling or divorce if I was in her shoes.
Even if my S/O has been with me for so long. That level of disrespect is a relationship ender that can never be healed no matter what.
Story 2: your daughter isn't a normal teenage girl and she isn't just vain either. Take her to therapy right now. She's showing signs of having a body image disorder which may end up as an eating disorder if she has worries about being fat specifically.
I agree. Nobody sucks
But she isn't worried about her weight she worries about her nose.
@@Buck_Fiden658 I hadn't heard the entire story when I commented this, I still recognized that she was having severe body image issues, and since I hadn't heard what it was about yet, I included the possibility of an ED. She could still have body dysmorphic disorder, especially since the nose is a common fixation for people who have BDD
Body image issues like that can be even worse. Heck look at the history of Michael Jackson's face for a nose-specific fixation. Hyperfixation on an aspect of oneself is unhealthy and can lead to anything since the brain does whacky things. It might not be weight now but it easily could change to that if something draws her focus there. Tools to process are good tools to have most everyone would benefit from some therapy if nothing else but to see their thinking from another viewpoint.
@@LizTelgan As far as I'm aware Michael Jackson had a facial reconstruction gone wrong because of an injury? I think? Idk.
Story 1: Anyone else feel like the only reason the husband wanted Op there was so that he could blame her for ANY little issue that happened at the party?
Naw NTA Op, your husband THREW OUT HIS DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY CAKE…then blamed you…
I just…no words…
Especially given that his complaint was a lack of blueberries ON THE CAKE. Um, so go get blueberries and put them on the cake? Screaming at OP and throwing the cake out was sheer madness. OP did the right thing in leaving. Her parents are crazy, btw. LOL
I'm a widow myself. And I could never do that if my new spouse wanted to show love to my child like that.
And then he had the audacity to say that OP was the one who was overreacting and that his childish behavior was her fault because she didn’t magically conjure up blueberries to put them on the cake! What a piece of shit.
What he did was just nasty, and so ungrateful. Who needs that in their life!
Did anyone ask the daughter if she'd accept a blueberryless cake?
Love how the husband in the first story tries to gaslight her and say that SHE over reacted, when he got so angry over fucking blueberries that he threw away a cake. That's extremely petty.
This his wife put the time and effort into this cake for his daughter. Some people could be only so lucky. And there’s one “mistake” so his solution is to throw out the cake and get store bought. Like wtf if the type of cake doesn’t matter as he clearly demonstrates then why do the blueberries. Bruh needs therapy because it’s clear he’s got something up his butt.
Don't forget the fact OP's parents were on his side too!!
i am on OP’s side, but i don’t get why she just didn’t get blueberries ☠️ any target or walmart would’ve had them, also, communicating that she wasn’t able to fulfill everything that he wanted would’ve been an easy fix to this too
@@imnotrohan blueberries are really hit or miss. the tinned ones taste horrible when used as a topping, same with the frozen ones. fresh ones are seasonal and can vary a lot in taste. if its going ON TOP of the cake and not IN the cake, you really want nice fresh ripe ones.
@@myopinion69420 that wasn’t the issue though, they just asked for blueberries 😭 if she asked for like american grown non gmo gluten free no added preservatives high quality blueberries that would be different, but i don’t think they were expecting that. it doesn’t matter what you want, it matters what the birthday girl wants
also another thing i just realized, why didn’t the dad just go and get some blueberries 😭
as a cooking and eating enthusiast, making a cake is a lot of work and even if it comes out ugly or without blueberries, it still tastes good. so, the asshole from the cake story wasted hours of hard work and perfectly good delicious food.
i both love and hate making cakes for birthdays because i'm the only baker in our family so i typically make the cakes for the parties and holy shit is it so much work. i'd walk away too if someone threw out the cake i spent hours or days making just because it wasn't perfect.
Something is wrong with the guy who threw out the cake. There is not a lot of info to go on, but he sounds like he could be abusive and probably narcissistic.
I don't know about the cake story... it seemed as if a LOT of important details were (conveniently?) missing.
@@jjr9792 dude, he threw out the whole homemade cake.
@@jjr9792 Y'all will literally hear anything about an obvious walking red-flag and ride his dick with doubt for the victim lmao. There is no excuse for throwing out a homemade cake.
I don't care if that dress was $3k or 3¢, don't destroy other people's things and expect no consequences.
Yeah but a 3k dress, I’d call the cops
OP has the right of it, her daughter is old enough to understand consequences and this is a very important teaching moment. if OP just lets her daughter get away with this, she will become so much worse in the future.
It's like the old saying goes: "Everyone should learn to cook, because neither feminism nor toxic masculinity is going to feed you."
Wisdom for the ages
I can't cook, but I got an air fryer lol. Click click click. Twenty minutes later. Done.
@@giancarloc1985hey. Airfrying is cooking as well. You want hard boiled eggs? Airfryer. You want potatoes? Airfryer. Fish? Meat? Veggies? Bread? Cake/cookies? Airfryer. You just can't boil stuff in it.
@LunarisArts makes for some killer crispy bacon too!
My mother said that none of her children (me and my two brothers) would leave her house without knowing how to wash and iron a shirt, make a stew, and sew on a button. We could all do those and much more. Both of our parents taught us how to cook. When my twin brother and I were 16 we baked a birthday cake from scratch for our younger brother (sorry, no blueberries).
Story 2: saying "you’re average and it’s fine" is actually the best lesson you can learn about your image. Most psychological issues about self image originate from parents obsessed with looks…. Trying to convince your child looks are not that important is actually great parenting.
Also, insecure teens are walking catch22… if you say they are beautiful they don’t believe you, if you don’t, they think they are ugly.
Since when is "average" an insult? It's literally the most normal thing. Being disappointed unless you're above-average is a recipe for the majority of society to be unhappy (and those who are below-average to be really, really unhappy). Building your children into snowflakes made of the finest glass, who need to believe they're better than most people in every way or they'll fall into a deep depression isn't doing them any favors. It boggles my mind that this got 3.5 points.
My mother told me that I was average in looks and would only ever be average. She said that it was a good thing because that people wouldn't notice me. That was about 14 years ago, and it still lives in my head. Destroyed myself esteem.
@@stuffyouotterlistento1461 Because it sounds like Body Dysmorphic Disorder that's triggered by bullying. Telling someone with BDD that they look average is likely not going to help and just worsen the symptoms. Plus just OP's treatment of how she's acting (like calling her vain when she's being incredibly insecure) is just absolutely awful.
Beauty is subjective, and feeling comfortable in your own skin w/o comparing yourself to others is an important lesson. I feel like there is alot underlying here, and there was no perfect answer the mother could have given. It's a terribly sensitive time though.
But saying this to a teenage girl struggling about looks to the point where she is depressive has a different effect. Esp when you only say « you’re average looking » and not elaborating on it.
Mom says daughter is average: 3.5/5
Parents neglect child for his entire life:
2.5/5
That’s not skewed at all
fr
Agreed
Totally. RSlash should probably stay away from "parents and daughters" stories for a while. His judgement is clearly clouded.
Especially when it is a one-time incident when the daughter is specifically asking not to be coddled to sugarcoated.
His takes on parents and daughters have been pretty damn ridiculous. For all other posts he tries to think rationally but one involving daughters and he throws logic out the window for his own personal bias.
I feel really bad for the daughter in the first story. Imagine it being your 12th birthday and your parents are the one fighting about YOUR cake then one of them feels so hurt and frustrated (rightfully so) that they have to leave while the other is yelling at them before they go. That birthday must have sucked, I'm sure it would have been much better with no blueberries than no motherly figure at all
From a teen who has a big nose AND is 14 years old, I can fully relate to Op’s kid. I feel insecure about my nose all the time, but at some point, you have to realize that you can't change that and you just have to embrace yourself even if no one else will. ❤😊
Don't worry. Its very common for nose to grow first while the rest of the face takes time to catch up to its grown up proportions, and end up looking very natural by the end. ☺
Same here, I'm 19 now,
Wow I wish I was that mature at 14! You are absolutely right, appreciate your body for the job it does of carrying you throughout life. Love it when you can and appreciate that you are human and no one is perfect when you can’t. Personally as another human, I rarely focus on 1 aspect of a person when I am interacting with them, they are a full person. Not a walking attribute. When I look at myself it’s hard to have that same mindset but I am trying and making some good progress:-)
Weeeeelll..... you CAN change it....... if you're wealthy.....
It’s about getting over it in a healthy way
I have a 12 year old daughter, and I'm glad she's not obsessive about her body yet. However, I credit her mother and I for complimenting her INTELLIGENCE, her SKILLS, her ARTWORK, and her POSITIVE LOVING ATTITUDE first before ever mentioning how cute she is. Girls have so many people commenting on their looks, that's why we do our utmost to compliment her many MANY other amazing features before mentioning appearance. Treat your daughters like something other than a doll and they'll think of other things before they think about their appearance.
This. I know Dabney has good intentions, but constantly complimenting a child's looks doesn't lead to confidence at all. It either leads to insecurity or vanity. (Incidentally, complimenting intelligence can cause some issues too, depending on how a parent goes about it, but that one can go either way and mostly depends on how people respond when the kid struggles with anything academically...) The best thing to do is compliment things people can control--behaviors, effort, and achievement from working at something. That's how a confident person is raised.
Good on you for understanding that!
I second this, praise a kid for how hard they work for something, not just something they do naturally well, and you will find a kid that will always try their best. “You did great on your outfit today!” Instead of “You’re so pretty!” Or “I’m so proud of you for working hard on your project!” Instead of “You’re so smart, always getting A and B grades.”
I was the product of being complimented for being “gifted” and I almost failed university as a result because I didn’t know how to work hard for my grades. I finally got it together, but I still fight the instinct to give up when things are hard.
Edit: typo
I get where you are coming from but I think I can share a different perspective here.
As someone who was bullied most their school life and struggles with self image issues, compliments on appearance can go a long way more than you think. It's easy to say "well I don't want my kid to focus too much on their looks" but it's not going to stop people on the outside from tearing them down on a daily basis. "Oh well, they are only teasing them for their looks. As long as I build confidence elsewhere, they'll be just fine" right? Wrong. When you're being bullied daily (rather it be over your looks or not) those insults become all you think about, along with how you can avoid it/stop it. No amount of confidence in other things about one's self will counter the way they'll start to see themselves when they are constantly insulted and harassed for it. Not to mention bullies never stop at just appearance, they will start in on any and everything that makes you YOU. Soon it won't matter how good you are at studying, how great of an artist you are, or how kind and well mannered you are. When the negativity you hear outweighs the positivity, you sink down so far within yourself until you're numb to it all.
Heck my niece was going through something similar. She was becoming self-conscious about her forehead, no matter how much my sister told her she looks fine she wasn't convinced. I had to sit her down and let her know that her face was fine and that she's beautiful and to not let anyone tell her different because it's all projection from their own insecurities. I meant every word and she could tell. She's not vain or really all about how she looks either, but those comments really started to effect her and I could tell.
@@prettyfreaknordinary7982 that’s why you need to deal with the root of the issue: the bullying. If a child is being bullied so relentlessly for their looks that they can’t see their personal value outside of it, the bullying must be stopped, or at least minimized.
You also don’t teach self confidence by saying the opposite of what a bully says, you teach it by using logic. As a bullied Black girl from a poor family, I used to get teased for my hair, my clothes, the way I spoke, all kinds of things. When I told my mom she said, “Oh, are they gonna buy you new clothes? Are they gonna sit down and do your hair themselves? Then they have no right to criticize you.”
When you teach your kids that a bully’s words mean nothing, they will learn to find value in other ways. Honestly tho, OP’s daughter is going through far more than a simple talk can resolve and she needs counseling - no child should be constantly asking about their looks, poor thing.
@Carnibee Alas,society is to blame as the perpetuation of beauty standards in people causes this kind of toxicity, ranging from women having to look like a model straight out of a fashion magazine cover to men having to look like a combination of an MMA fighter and Adonis. Aethetics are nice but are nothing without a good heart and brains to match.
Dude, it's a FREE cake. OP's overreacting??? Guy blew up over blueberries. BLUEBERRIES.
Children can understand when they don't get exactly what they want. Why can't he?
Maybe he and his daughter are aliens and a yearly cake with blueberries is the only way they can maintain their human forms
If anything, HE was the one who overreacted!
@@The_Keh27 The only reasonable explanation he could have, of course.
Blueberries of all things. Something is not right with that guy.
I think OP needs to reassure her daughter that looks aren't everything, while taking to not be patronizing. Perhaps say something like my mom used to when I was insecure, "I am your mom, so to me you are absolutely gorgeous. What's even more beautiful about you is your kindness, your humor, and your courage (insert whatever traits stand out to OP). Don't compare yourself to other people, because it will lead you down the road to unhappiness. Anyone worth your time will love you for you, and will appreciate your beauty, inside and out."
But here's the problem, looks ARE everything
@@Richtofen-gy9cj For people who are superficial, perhaps.
Story 3: they miss your college and high school graduation? They're lucky to be invited at all, and you could have thrown it back into their face but you remain civil which I respect. Enjoy your wedding, your parents don't get to ignore you then demand you pay for their free vacation, oh I mean to go to your wedding.
I think I’m with others here that if OP paid their way, they wouldn’t have gone to the wedding. I hope OP sees this as a sign to go NC at least with his parents.
Story 5: Cooking turns people into housewives? I think my husband, who does the bulk of the cooking, is going to be surprised that he is now a housewife. Does he need to go full 1950s? I think finding heals his size is going to be difficult. The dress and petticoats I can sew.
Haha yeah, my dad basically took over the kitchen when he discovered Alton Brown. As soon as he realized that cooking is just food math, something clicked.
Bobby Flay’s sauces, however, are still black magic. They’re delicious, like “I could eat shoe leather with this” delicious, but they are COMPLEX.
@@eroraf8637 my husband learned to cook from his dad. My mil is wonderful, unfortunately her cooking skills left much to be desired. She came from the Irish school of cooking: boil everything.
I don't know who said it, but I always liked the phrase: Baking is science. Cooking is art.
That woman is addicted. Drugs, gambling, something else, dunno. But she definitely has a problem.
@FNLNFNLN that's what I was thinking. I mean I guess she could be that lazy depending on how much money she asked for but he offered two weeks of groceries so probably a few hundred at least. Yeah. I'd say something's up. Especially if her son can cook well and is use to cooking at his dad's, just ask him to cook? Fishy. Good thing Dad seems well connected with his kids if things go south with mom.
If I were vegan, and hosted a family get together where I only served vegan food, I would be the only one at the party. The family of the vegan sister always provided her with vegan dishes when they host, why can't she return the favor?
I think because in one case, vegan is avoiding animal products because it’s her ethical/moral values where as it doesn’t hurt anyone else’s moral values to not eat meat? If I were her, I would say that I will only be making vegan but feel free to bring your own non-vegan sides and have it be more of a potluck. But I am not vegan myself so hard to determine. As a non vegan I wouldn’t be upset at going one meal without animal products because I am not living that lifestyle, for me it’s just one meal. Like when I go to a friends house and they make a traditional dish from their culture, no one is expecting me to eat that way at my own home or even know all the customs. But I do think it’s kind of their family to always have vegan options for them so it would be nice to compromise by allowing others to bring their own sides even if she doesn’t feel right preparing them herself.
@rebeccajesse4604 I was thinking the same thing, I think it's an everyone sucks here for that story. Like 1 vegan meal obviously isn't going to hurt you, so there's little to no point complaining about it, but if everyone else has respected your food choices, why can't the sister return the favour? Even if she isn't the one preparing non-vegan meals, she should allow people to bring their own if they feel that strongly against a vegan meals.
@@rebeccajesse4604the only thing is with the vegan meals I don't think it would be "just a salad" like R/slash is claiming. I think it's going to be more like meat substitutes. And not everyone's stomach can handle that. I also find it strange that if the host did the same thing to the vegan, rslash would get mad..
By this logic, am I gointo have to cook bacon when Imhost a Hanukkah party? Don't think so. Last time I was at a Sikh wedding I don't remember complaining about the food either. If I go to a dinner hosted by a vegan friend, I'm not expecting them to cook up chicken.
I guess you could flip it, and say well what about if am a guest at someone's house who cooks a ham? Well, I attempt to graciously as possible eat what I can while avoiding the ham. I don't say they aren't aloud to cook ham in their own kitchen, and I can just eat something else or eat later. Their house, their rules. If they have appropriate options, I'm grateful.
It's weird seeing this complaint even if seems so basic. I wonder if it has to do with a.lack of respect for the sisters vegan lifestyle, or if they just don't hang out with people from different cultures, religions, etc.
@@Simipourfangirl yeah some substitutes aren’t for everyone :-) it’s hard because we can’t just flip the situation because one side is a taste preference/familiarity and the other side is an expression of someone’s moral/ethical choices. They aren’t as easy to compare or flip because they aren’t really the same thing. But again, I’m not vegan and not every vegan has the same boundaries so I can’t really say.
I compliment my daughter a lot. Her mother and I are focusing on things that aren't appearance based. We are trying to ensure she sees herself as more than her looks.
Also, she's a rather vain 5 year old. Never heard a 5 year old say another isnt pretty because she doesn't have blue eyes...
She picked up that blue-eyed thing from someone; a 5y/o doesn't just decide that. If she is in kindergarten, I'd ask the teacher. She probably heard it from a classmate.
@@KellyDVance it gets worse. She said a girl was pretty cause she's like me. My daughter is blonde and blue eyed. Vermont is incredibly racist. I'll have to check in and keep a close eye on it
@@destinedtogameVermont isn’t racist
@@destinedtogameyikes! I am grateful my kiddo is surrounded by a variety of appearances. Heck, her first preschool (attached to a university) had kids from every continent except Antarctica. Her second was through a Catholic school and was mostly Hispanic. (We are mostly of Western European descent.) Her elementary school is also well mixed.
If I can make a suggestion, show her Disney movies where the main characters don't look like her and compliment their appearance. "Doesn't Belle have beautiful brown eyes?" "Look how pretty Tiana does her hair."
It may teach her that other features are beautiful by your admiration of them.
I'm sorry if my suggestion is overstepping. I know I'm just some rando on the internet.
@@KellyDVance I said the same thing to my mother when I was five or six. She didn't correct me. I said that I wished I had blue eyes like mother's or grandmother's.
I think it’s crazy how Ops parents think it’s justifiable to throw out a birthday cake because there’s no blueberries.
Right? That is some 1st world upper class privilege right there.
op is the wife not the daughter
Husband is showing his abuse by throwing out the cake.
@@ZeroXBlossom OP went to stay with her parents after the situation happened with her husband. OPs parents told her that her husband was justified in reacting the way he did because she didn't make the cake the way he wanted for his daughter (OPs stepdaughter)
"He had a justifiable reaction because he's stressed out"
Justifiable? He made a scene because of freaking BLUEBERRIES of all things and then threw his daughter's birthday cake into a trashcan. He clearly does not care about his wife's efforts. Also what if the bakery didn't end up having his blueberry cake? Then what? "Sorry sweetie but no cake this year because i threw the one this woman made you since it didn't had blueberries on it. So it's all her fault"
Now i wouldn't say straight up to divorce his ass after this but if the therapy won't work out.....
My mom used to call my grandma all the time saying they needed money for milk for baby me. Grandma caught on pretty quick and started delivering the milk in person instead of giving her money. My mom stopped asking as much afterward.
Wild! The only thing I could guess for the first story is that the deceased wife/mom made the cake that specific way. Does not condone his action but that is the only way I could see some slight reasoning still 2/5 butt holes.
Or he's one of those intensely controlling husbands who say that they like things 'a certain way' to disguise gaslighting and domestic abuse. It could be either really.
Or his ex wife did all the parenting
As a widow myself I would never do that if my new spouse wanted to do something nice for my son. And I saw it "wrong" or didn't like how it looked. The dad got 5 out of 5 in my book
@Milk-ck1wv late wife not ex wife
Story 4: so she got a sweet 16 but is still upset that your stepdaughter is getting a quinceanera? Also I don't care what the contex is, your daughter destroying a $3,000 dress because of a TV is not even remotely okay, frankly I think you're being nice by only making her pay for the dress. If she's old enough to be that petty she's old enough to face the consequences, don't let her try to manipulate you to get out of this.
Because the moment she does OP would lose all respect from Maria and her spouse. I would’ve also hoped OP took away daughter’s privileges until she apologized to Maria. I hope Maria now has a lock on her door.
There is just one thing I would like to know before I make a verdict, did she also get a 3000 dollar dress on her sweet 16 party, an quinceanera is also a party right, so it's not like she is only getting the dress. that being said destroying the dress was wrong, if she did not get a 3000 dollar dress I give the daugher 2 out of 5 BH, if she did get a 3000 dollar dress that score goes up to 4 out of 5 BH. That is my opinion on it,
@@GJBndls OP didn't pay for it, her parents did, he has no control over that. Also a quinceanera isn't just a party, it's a cultural becoming of ceremony for young Hispanic women, I'm not surprised her family is going all out.
I wonder if the OP’s daughter was in the mindset Maria was getting a quiencera AND a sweet 16 next year so she got jealous thinking she’s getting back to back parties and not understanding the cultural differences
@@GJBndls No, a quinceanera is not just a party and this is part of the problem for OP by comparing it to a Sweet 16. A quinceanera is an event to celebrate a girl becoming a woman. The closest American equivalent to a quinceanera is a big wedding complete with the dress, the venue, food, guest list and expectations, a court to accompany the girl, built in traditions, flowers, decorations, entertainment, and so on. In fact, through my experiences working with students from central and south American countries, I told them that going to prom--which is something that does not exist in their countries--is like being a guest at a quinceanera or a wedding. This is such an important event that the girls keep the dress for other important events, and a lot of my girls wore their quinceanera dresses under their robes at graduation.
Story 2. Avoid mirrors, pictures and looking for approval from others... She has body dysmorphia. I have body dysmorphia and I have, at my worst, cried because I didn't want to take a picture. Get her in to therapy. She's young so she has potential of having a good outlook on herself later on. I am in my 30s and just started working on it. It's so hard to change your intrusive thoughts when you get so used to having them.
glad youre kicking that negative mind set's ass
That has to do with weight not yo face
@@mattybrunolucaszeneresalas9072
It has to do with your BODY, your entire body, including your face dude
@@TextbookSadass mmkay
@@mattybrunolucaszeneresalas9072
Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.
Taken from the mayo clinic website.
No where in their description does it mention weight. Nice try though.
The first story about op who bake a cake for her step daughter is that she needs to divorce her abusive and controlling husband
I’m getting that vibe too. If OP stayed I bet spouse would’ve tried to publicly humiliate her for ruining his daughter’s birthday instead of you know focusing on his daughter
facts
I wonder if he is abusive to his daughter too?
I've read so many of these type of story's that i know it isn't about the blueberies but something else why would he else ruin the cake that his wife made for his daughter
I think he want to get rid of OP but doesn't have the guts to leave her so does something ridiculous so she will leave him
@@juliaboskamp9666also the bakery won't have another cake ready on time so now his daughter won't have a cake for her party.
Story 5: Honestly, I would've taken the offer from OP, that all sounds delicious!
The ex has no respect for OP and his cooking. Apparently, she thinks that OP simply wanting to cook her food makes her domestic and a housewife, and…people are backing her up? Geez, what's her problem?
I too think this is why she was divorced
Yeah it sounds like she lost two good guys over her selfishness. I’m betting while she has her tantrum, OPs kids cooked food for themselves
@@lorilancaster5917 so much this! She quickly showed why her husband left her
when i hear that she wanted money, i just think in drugs, her son cooks for lord's sake i bet she does nothing
Facts!!
@@dinlupus3196☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️ ☕️
Story 2: Not gonna lie: I don't think OP could have said the right thing no matter what she said. If she said her daughter was beautiful beyond the stars and moon, the daughter likely would have told OP that she's lying or would have gone away just not believing her. She called her _average,_ not ugly. OP said she looked like any other face on earth which is probably the best answer she could give.
It's like asking about opinions on a dress that you personally don't like, but you want someone else to be the bad guy and say it for you so you keep asking them what they think about the dress and repeatedly say, "Be honest, c'mon be _honest,_ what do you REALLY think?" And then they get mad when you say you don't really like it.
My mother used to tell me that my BMI was bs because I had very dense bones that are tightly wrapped in muscle. Didn't believe her for years. I'm 22 now and it turns out she was right. Like, scientifically correct.
She's just being a teenager, OP couldn't have won here.
Umm clearly there WAS a better answer u sit ur kids down and talk about how beauty standards are skewed and she is beautiful nonetheless and how beauty comes in different shapes and sizes. Calling someone average ?? Come on. U have the power to empower ur kids
Agreed, rslash was way too harsh here, letting his 'dad feelings' cloud his logic.
@@anonmous1284You know that this can be skewed into OP building up a narrative to support her "lie"? Yes, I agree that this is a bit better than saying "Average is good, average is you. You're not ugly, but you're not particularly beautiful either, just average", but still not a right answer. There is no right answer and telling her she's average is still not a bad answer.
I dont get why being average is an insults, for somone to be the best version of themselves they need to know there strength and weaknesses.
The daughter is average on looks which is not bad, we have thousands of woman out there who veiw themselves as a goddess in beauty and deserve the top guy.
I would say op was a little rude but the daughter is not going to grow up delusional.
@@ElissaMmmmkay I’m worried about how he will handle his daughters teen years
Story 2: I think OP was in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. If she told her daughter "yes, you're beautiful," the daughter might have detected sugar-coating after specifically telling her mother not to do that. Instead, OP ended up traumatizing her daughter. What was she supposed to do? Plead the fifth? Honestly, that would have been even worse.
Exactly
Yeah exactly this. People are bashing OP in that story but what was she supposed to do? Tell her "you are beautiful, but let's get you some plastic surgery for that nose"? Plus OP is only human too - if it was said 1000 times she is beautiful and then she asked for no sugarcoating real opinion then obviously OP may crack. Just because you are parent doesn't mean you suddenly aren't human full of faults and are a superhero without any.
Traumatizing her daughter? Girl was told she looked average, something the majority of the human population is. If daughter is traumatized over that then she needs to be in a psych ward. Or people should stop overreacting to very minor things, because saying she’s traumatized over this is like throwing away a cake because it didn’t have blueberries on top. A complete overreaction.
@@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64 You're right. Being average is nothing to be ashamed of. If 70% of people think they're above average, then at least 20% of people are wrong - possibly more than that, if anyone who actually is above average thinks they're below average for some reason.
@@Mario-SunshineGalaxy64 Nice double reference.
I get that he's grieving and struggling but what he did is beyond Unforgivable. Treating the lack of blueberries in the cake like it's the end of the world.
I think it goes beyond grieving. He wants a replacement and needs serious help. I wouldn’t be surprised if he told his daughter that OP didn’t make a cake or some other lie to throw OP under the bus. How much do you bet the cake he bought didn’t have blueberries 🫐?
@@lorilancaster5917 it's pretty telling that his wife was the one who did all the parenting in the relationship
His family was just as unreasonable with their reaction, it sounds like a family of narcissistic, controlling aholes
Someone said he could've just gone to get the blueberries instead of the bakery for an entirely new cake. That tantrum was unnecessary.
OP's husband couldn't have suggested a blueberry substitute like blueberry-flavoured fondant or something, that's how rash he got.
"one for each of my balls that are currently out" is a sentence I'd NEVER in my entire life expect to hear come out of RSlash's mouth
Same. I died at that 😂
If you listen closely, you can hear the mic jostle when he said he was taking his balls out… I think he actually did it. The madman xD
About story 5: the kids did jump at the opportunity to ask for food, they were just honest about the pantry unlike the ex
Right? Anybody who asks for money for a thing, but turns down the thing itself? Yeah, that's a big red flag right there. No way that cash is going towards what they say it is.
And I mean, home cooked is way better than some take outs.
Story 2: I don't think lying to your kid is the healthy way to deal with her getting bullied. You probably need to think outside the box on this one. How do you get her to be less insecure? She needs to deal with the fact that some people have it easier in some things in life. We all do. I'd ask her if she feels unsupported, and how to work on that. Her self-worth shouldn't be based on her looks, and she needs to learn that somehow. There's nothing wrong with her, and she needs to be reassured of that, but lying is not a great way to parent a child.
I agree on some points :-) definitely don’t lie but I think being too blunt, especially if it contradicts what you’ve told her before can be harmful. If her whole life you said she’s beautiful then when she asks for the truth you say she’s average that’s going to feel like you lied her whole life. It must be really hard forming your own self image as a teen when it is so easy to compare yourself to everyone else out there on the internet. I personally would have said, I think you’re beautiful because I love the way you smile, I love the way your eyes remind me of my mom etc. put actual characteristics to the looks that are hers and not compared to everyone else. Then if she still says you are sugar coating it, ask why she finds it so hard to believe? Lying is never good but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it is subjective not objective. Treating it as objective just encourages more comparison because that’s the only way to measure then.
Basicly don't lie, but always explain in gfeat detail how the world works at the appropriate times.
Point out actual talents and genuine acomplishments. Teach the kid to stand up for itself and how to deal with bullies. (I recoment self defense as early as possible. You learn confidence, discipline, how to defend yourself and not be afraid of confrontatioms and lay a foundation to be fit throughout life! Wich also boosts physical confidrnce by the fitness that is acgually earned. It also is a group activity that builds social confidence and skills.)
But i agree. Lying 24/7 telling an avarage looking teen they are supermodrls wont do them any good. Its on par with "You are so smazing at singing" be fore they humimisze themselves live on tv.
On the other hand op did it VERY blunt. You need to elaborate how over 90% of women hide avarage looks with makeup etc. And to also acknowledge other great aspects she has others do not.
I wonder how Rslash would feel if op in the last stories was like fine do a vegan dinner but when it comes to my turn to host I’m doing full meat no vegan options. Cause same rules apply right? it’s just a streak, and op hosts and is paying for it, his sister can either eat it or sook in the corner.
She can just go to maccas and get a salad.
Fourth story: She ruined a 3000 dollars' dress over jealousy?! Either she pays or she has to be emancipated in my opinion. A quinceañera is a huge deal for all the money that goes into it. I think my father is still paying the loans he took for my sister's and that was 9 years ago.
Was anyone else expecting the story with the middle child's wedding to end with op inviting the guidance counselor instead of the blood relatives?
Story 2- THATS NOT VANITY!! Those were the actions I had displayed before i developed an eating disorder when younger. Wanna know what pushed me over the edge? My mother and things she used to say to me. EDs aren’t pretty, and it’s forever there in the back of your head when you develop those thoughts. Get! Your! Daughter! Help!
It made me so mad how she called it vanity and exhausting to deal with in her post. How can you type that and think “yep this makes me look like a good parent”
So the husband in the first story was feeling blue because of his wife’s cake.
I’ll see myself out for that awful joke
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Berry bad joke! 😁
It was ME Berry! I was the one who made the bad pun
*throws blueberries in your general direction*
...take your well earned like and get out. 🤣
Story 2: idk, the parents told her all the time she was beautiful, and one day the daughter asked for complete honesty, no sugarcoating, no lying, does she look ugly. And OP said she is perfectly average like most of humanity, which doesn’t sound that great but it’s a very fair point, they don’t call it average for nothing
Did she want them to lie? Wouldn't that be worse?
@@dangusmedia It would completely destroy my trust going forward if i asked a close one to tell me the honest truth without holding back, but they still lied. Idk, maybe that's just me, maybe there are people who would rather be lied to when asking for complete honesty from a close one? For them to just keep on lying to make them feel better? o_O
The parents should probably start with the root of the problem.. the girl is apparently being bullied at her school for her looks. That's an extremely hurtful thing to go through. I don't think it really mattered what they tell her (if she looks average or amazing), unless they fix that situation at school, the kid is heading for trouble.
@@wilgenkatje This is the big thing. The daughter would have been upset with any answer mom would have given her because she is being bullied by a group of people. If mom had said she was beautiful, she wouldn't have believed her. If mom had said she was ugly, she would have felt all the bullying was confirmed. And we see what the result is when she gave the answer she did. This was--unfortunately--a trap. Parents need to get daughter 1-on-1 therapy, and maybe a few family sessions down the road. They also need to get in contact with the school and get that shit locked down.
@@N0xietyPersonally I agree. I hate the feeling of people lying to me even if it’s a well intentioned one. People usually aren’t all “ugly” or all “pretty”. For me I feel I’m pretty dang average looking and am self conscious about things like my teeth but I get compliments on my hair all the time. Mom doesn’t need to lie she needs to be honest in her compliments (and say them often) not just her criticisms.
I asked my dad why boys didn't like me when I was 12. He told me "There is nothing you can do about it honey, redheads are just naturally homely". So yeah, I'm ugly, nothing I can ever do will fix it. Thanks dad! It will always be a core memory.
I feel like the comments are so divided on story 2. Daughter asked mom for an honest opinion, no sugar-coating. Mom gives an honest opinion, no sugar-coating. Daughter gets shocked that mom's opinion isn't what she wanted to hear. That's all there is to it. After going back and listening to the story again though, I wonder if the daughter wasn't necessarily upset that her mother told her she was average but that she felt like she'd been lied to by her parents for years about her looks? Being average isn't a bad thing, but I guess when you really think about it, when you're told by your parents you're beautiful constantly only to be told "actually, you're really average" would kind of sting. OP DID do the right thing starting out by talking to her daughter about seeing a therapist. OP recognized that there is an issue because her daughter is constantly obsessed over her looks and felt like a professional could help her more than she could. They could probably even help her daughter process OP's comments.
Glad, I'm not the only one who thought this way.
Yeah, once again a horribly wrong take for a story. No way the parent is the asshole on this story for hurting their kids feelings. Also average looks isn't like it's a 5/10. More like a 7/10.
I feel like OP should've come at it from a different angle. Explain to her daughter that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that OP thinks she's a beautiful person, but that doesn't necessarily mean everyone will, and there's nothing wrong with that. That's how it is for everyone. Then also explain that the kids at school that bully her about her looks are likely extremely insecure about their own appearances, so they feel the need to put her down to make themselves feel better, because they aren't as kind/strong/etc (basically try to compliment something other than looks here) as OP's daughter for not being better people. Then OP needs to make the school put a stop to the bullying. Something like that. Either way, OP needs to learn that you can be honest and still have tact.
Agreed
She wanted honesty and she got it. I think Rslash sort of over reacted with this one.
That's not grief. That's abuse. Just keep ghosting him. That is not a good man.
A real MAN wouldn't throw a massive tantrum like that over a cake not having blueberries
Last story: I wouldn't argue with my sister about her menu, I'd just go fetch a couple buckets from the Colonel and anyone who wanted some bird would be free to help themselves... while supplies last.
16:48 as a vegetarian saying this: If you expect there to always be vegan options, even if it's just an afterthought, you should at least offer something that's not vegan. Saying "it's just for one day" as an argument also goes in reverse, and you could expect some people to not make vegan options next time they host. Just make a modest amount of like carbonara, and put your efforts towards making the vegan stuff more appealing to the majority. This way, you can inspire those that want to accept, while not coming across as demanding while not catering to others.
That's a really stupid comparison.
Omnivores not wanting a vegan meal is purely a taste preference.
Vegans not wanting animal products is a choice made based on their ethics and morals.
@@kiraflo98 that's not true, people can also make choices based on nutrition. That's also a choice, and theirs to make.
@@Olav_Hansen obviously it CAN be due to nutrition, but this really doesn't give off this vibe.
Story 1: Blueberries are probably her favorite thing, so understandably they are super important, but in todays day and age even walmart have a 1h delivery window for express orders so it would be easy to get blueberries rather than tossing the whole cake. Divorce territory, it starts with a cake and only gets worse the husband needs help.
Last story: if the other family members didn't provide a vegan option for her, would you have the same attitude? I think that would be the obvious answer here. If you are one of the members who don't want an all vegan menu, no longer cater when you host. "It's only one meal, just go to a salad bar after"
That's a really stupid comparison.
Omnivores not wanting a vegan meal is purely a taste preference
Vegans not wanting animal products is a choice made based on their ethics and morals.
So for the first story I’m curious about how the step daughter felt. Like does she know that her dad threw out her cake because there were no blueberries or did he tell her that OP messed it up? Does she actually like blueberries or was this just something that her mom would add to her cakes?
I wouldn’t be surprised if her dad told her that OP messed up her cake. In fact I think spouse hoped OP would’ve stayed so he could “display her incompetence” by not having a cake with blueberries
I wonder what he and his toxic family would have said if she calmly explained where the cake was and why
@@gordoncamacho8649I bet she did and they still chose to side with their demon spawn
Sorry story 2: but her avoiding mirrors and photos isn’t vanity it’s anxiety. This isn’t a personality flaw it’s symptoms of mental illness if it’s exhausting for you imagine how exhausting it is for her. Ugh.
Story 2: I’m torn here. On the one hand, I had a mother who constantly judged my appearance, so I can’t say that I relate. If she would have told me i’m beautiful and then it turned out to be not really her opinion, it would really hurt. However, at 14 years old and after specifically asking for the truth, this girl needed a mind shift. I probably would have answered something like “beauty is subjective” then “most people are average including you”. Still, I get why the mother couldn’t just keep using placating compliments.
I can't believe that the dude who literally yelled at his wife over blueberries and throw away his daughter birthday cake got a less butthole score that the mom in the 2° story, who just say her daughter was average looking. Like WTF? That's not "bullying".
It’s not bullying when the daughter asked for no sugar coating and saying she’s average isn’t bullying and the dad in the first story well if you watched yesterday’s episode you will see rslash has a bias when it comes to father daughter relationships as if he’s had that type of relationship for 20 years or something it’s getting weird
Honestly, the scores have been off and inconsistent lately. There were a few previous stories where it was clear that someone should've been at least a 3, but they get .5 - 1. But again, it is all subjective too. Lol
Um... that's bullying. From your own parent.
The guy in the first story is insane, but OP can easily walk away. OP in the looks story is being mean to their own kid.
@@Richard_Nickerson What? OP literally said that she and the husband always reasure the daughter she's pretty every other time she asked, because they understand she's insecure. Is the other kids who bully her, not the mom. She didn't even say anything mean, saying somebody is "average" is not an insult.
Why can't OP have also told her the truth that whatever she may think of her nose, how she looks now is likely not how she'll look permanently? She'll likely grow into it.
Story 2: It wasn't that op called their daughter ugly. In fact, I agree that average isn't ugly.
1) The daughter is being bullied. We don't know how long it's been going on, but probably at least six months or more.
2) Overtime being repeatedly being told something negative will always destroy you faster than someone repeatedly over being uplifted by someone telling you something positive.
3) The daughter is depressed, she's struggling to believe the positive things over the negative.
4) The daughter needs therapy, and some help with the bullying.
Judgement: I don't believe OP is an AH, more just on the clueless scale? Definitely handled it wrong, but I can't fault them either. Everyone reacts differently to situations, and in op's mind they're convinced the daughter shouldn't be so hurt by something like this.
Which I agree that appearance is considered too much as a society. Just remember that not everyone thinks that appearances are overrated and especially teenagers. To most teenagers, appearance is practically everything and op's daughter will need therapy and support to be reminded and learn that it's not the case.
Self hatred is more easily learned that self love and self worth.
No AHs here (except the bullies), they just need to have a better heart to heart discussion, though I believe they should probably do it in therapy vs. on their own.
Being told positive things constantly doesn’t work when people know they aren’t true and you’re just blowing smoke to make them feel better.
I think the mom deserves a small butthole score due to the fact that if someone repeatedly tells you something like "you're so beautiful." And then when you ask them in a serious setting they go "Well, no, you're just average." Destroys any little bit of positivity that they gained from hearing they are beautiful because now they know it's just a lie. Now she's not going to believe anyone who tells her that, because her mom, who told her that repeatedly, just told her basically that it's a lie to shut her up.
I haven't listened to RSlash's take yet, but...
Being bullied at school and then having my parents constantly try lifting me up by telling me all sorts of things helped a little, and then my dad got mad at me and started to spew things about how I was worthless, and it was then that I realized that every time he had said he was proud of me wasn't in the face of me, but rather the accomplishment itself. So.... I might just be biased.
But the mom was informed of her bullying and then did that within the same time frame, that's fucked.
@@lillylovegood2300 nope
@@CheeseMiser Okay, troll
@@lillylovegood2300 I love the mentality that anyone disagreeing with you must be a troll. Like if that's your only valid argument, then you're not ready to be an adult yet
"Do you really think I'm beautiful?"
"Of course I do honey, everyone has different features, different things about themselves that make them unique and wonderful, you have a nose that makes you unique and wonderful and beautiful but not everyone will see and appreciate that. Those people and their opinions don't matter. You are absolutely gorgeous and beautiful and one day I hope you can see yourself the way your Father and I do. I know it's difficult to talk about sweetheart but when you're ready I think it'd be important for the both of us to go together and talk to someone who can help you work out your concerns but know that there is never a time or place that your Father and I think of you as any less than beautiful, that's the honest truth."
There. Fixed it. Easiest thing in the world. It's not vanity to be a teenager concerned over her looks, she expressed a clear sign of bullying and rather than acknowledge THAT and tackle THAT head on you affirmed the worst of what her BULLIES said about her. You supported her bullies and their cruelty over her. Beauty is not some strict guideline, it's a concept and in the eye of the beholder and you have absolutely no right to determine what is and isn't beautiful, shame on you for not doing better when you yourself say you experienced the same cruelty. 3/5 imo, this will absolutely traumatize her and make her feel like she can't come to you for the most basic role in the world; love, warmth and SUPPORT.
How hard was that?
The first story; its a CAKE! the daughter would of been happy blueberries or not, CAKE IS CAKE
Not necessarily. The blueberries could have been tied to her late mother.
@@destinedtogameeven if that's true, he completely overreacted. He's going to throw the cake in the trash instead of just going to get blueberries? Really? Nah that's BS
Core memory: The day my sister told me to stop using my fake laugh... when I in fact was laughing for real. "There is no way your laugh is that ugly" and that was the day I stopped laughing. I laugh so rarely that whenever I do my cat comes to check if I'm okay. My sister has forgotten this completely, it was just a thing she said to her little brother because she was annoyed
oh, ouch. thats terrible. difference here is that thats just, mean. laugh away, dude. laughter is always a good thing, and anyone who says ugly laughing is bad is just plain wrong.
She definitely just said that to hurt your feelings. Little bitch. Don't let her control your behavior.
I haven't seen anyone get to the main point of the second story:
It's not about calling her daughter ugly since she didn't, but it's the point to teach her that it isn't her job to be liked by everyone, she has more redeeming qualities than looks and that it she will never have the same opinion with everyone, shitty ass kids in school only show they are insecure themselves by bullying her, otherwise they wouldn't do it. Pushing her confidence down so their own low confidence is above that. There are people who love certain characteristics, and it is not her job to fit into the mould these kids try to push her in, but find a place where she is accepted as she is. Ask her what she thinks about the other kids in her class. Are they all beautiful? I highly doubt there is a perfect person in her class, and I don't think she would call anyone outright ugly herself. This shift in perspective, together with a therapist, will help her.
i feel like im insane because there's also the fact that these are painfully clear self esteem and body issues and the mom called her vain in her own post like??? that may not look like it but it says a LOT of how she sees her daughter
Story 1: What you should have done was grad the trash a throw it on him, then leave his ungrateful ass. And what the hell is the matter with your parents, this dude was way out of line and they're on his side? If it was so important and he had time to go to a bakery why couldn't you just grab some blueberries from the store, even though you don't know if it's a big deal because you're SD never got it, if she's so ungrateful that blueberries would ruin her entire birthday party then she doesn't deserve your hard work. You didn't make it seem your husband did for thinking he can treat you like dirt then expect you to be all smiles about it, and I bet despite thrashing his daughter's cake he was telling all the gates about how you ruined the party. Never let someone especially your SO treat you like that .
Something we don't know in this story is if there is some kind of tradition like the dead mother used to always bake a cake with blueberries on top and that's why he was so adamant about it ? Otherwise I totally agree with you.
@@FrenchToast101If that were the case he should’ve/would’ve mentioned it though.
Hell yes, I’d have divorce him over this, or at the very least, request a separation for a while
I also doubt the daughter would've cared about the damn blueberries
@@xxoxEMxoxx Well it seems obvious but I've seen enough stories where people leave out crucial information so there's that. Just wanted to point out a potential yet unlikely scenario that would mitigate the husband's reaction. Not trying to defend him at all costs lol
Story 5: I see your ex tried to con money out of you with a BS sod story. Some people are going to be on their side no matter what, you're the man and that's the only reason people will be against you. What's insulting is our argument doesn't even make any sense but it doesn't matter. I mean you should still call her out for lying about not having any food and refusing to take the two weeks worth of food when you believed her because anyone important or at least with half a brain will be on your side.
Even if I have a kitchen full of food if someone offers me free food like that I'm gonna take it. Give me a bag of rice and cans of beans and veggies and I can make a meal for 4 for days. It may get boring but everyone will be fed. Throw in a roast and the possibilities are endless. Only entitled lazy people who have never faced starving would turn down Op's offer. The struggle is real
Especially since she wanted Uber Eats. There's an insane mark-up of delivery fees and tips that basically double the price. If she can drive, she's better off going over there and getting her food instead. It's much cheaper.They're better off just eating at home if they're in a financial bind.
I still have the memory of when I asked my mom if I was pretty and she said she wouldn’t say that. But that I was “cute”. I was probably about 8 years old. I am now 64. And I still remember how I felt in that moment. I don’t hold this against my mom’s memory. (She died quite young). But yes, interactions like this can become “core memories”.
I think the best response to the "am I pretty" story is "you're special to me but you can't expect everyone around you to have that same opinion".
I think it would've been a good time to discuss how looks aren't the only thing people should care about.
Errr not the best answer, could or couldn’t be, but if she’s that insecure then it would be bad. I think she should change school because of how her classmates are bullying her
girl needs therapy and supportive parents; to be honest, the way OP talked about "vanity" really weirded me out - I think OP needs to see a different perspective at the whole situation
@@DianaWanMaI agree but just hyping her up is obviously not helping. What she should had address is the bullies causing harm to her daughter. Then talk about how she obviously not ugly and raise her esteem up. Then finished it up by not letting random beauty standards defy who she is and reminding her she's here to help. Tbh, I'm surprised she didn't know she messed up when her daughter left mid conversation.
@olganovikova4338 that concerned me too, since "vanity" usually has a negative association to it. Perhaps OP thinks their daughter is just being shallow rather than struggling with self worth.
Story 6: normally i would agree with rslash but if it a reoccurring event and the other people respect her vegan lifestyle its kinda rude to not consider the taste of your family, i mean you don't have to cook their favorite meal but wouldn't it be a nice gesture to cook something you know your family likes and giving them the option to try new stuff
I feel like OP needs to offer to bring some non vegan dishes. For those who would prefer that. If the sister still throws a hissy fit, then she is forcing her lifestyle on them. Then she would be the butthole.
For story 2 I’m confused, all op said to her daughter was that she was “average looking”, not “ugly as hell” or anything like that, she just like the majority of the population
Yeah Rslash saying "You're BULLYING YOUR DAUGHTER!" is just blatantly wrong.
fr i thought that was pretty stupid. the girls 14, thats a highschooler. highschoolers should be old enough to deal with the answer they asked for. sure, kids are cruel, but for christs sake she asked for honesty and she got it, its not even negative honesty. this girl has been fishing for compliments because of her insecurity and the moment she doesnt get an answer she wants she throws a fit
Throwing a fit?? All she did was get upset and go to her room. She has a right to be upset. You guys are acting like she’s a brat. She’s a hormonal insecure child who is facing bullying that is affirming her insecurities. Maybe the mom didn’t intend to hurt the daughter but I do agree with Rslash this might just CRUSH her and she’s allowed to be upset about that.
Plus, OP has been telling her that she's the most beautiful girl in their eyes. The daughter asked the honest truth, no sugarcoating...also, she kind of has an unhealthy obsession with her appearance. If anything, OP was stupid and made bad choice in words, but was not malicious. Giving OP #2 3/5 and the husand of OP #1 only 2/5 after throwing out an entire home baked cake...rSlash off again...
@@HackiePuffs um, yeah. throwing a fit. going to her room and refusing to talk.
being average isnt a bad thing, and thinking that it is is just inherently wrong. "boo hoo, im not above average in looks" who cares??? at least you arent below average, how do you think those people feel??
Story 4- so he does understand that if your bio child bullies your step child you need to punish them. Guess it doesn’t apply if the one doing the punishment is a farther.
The insecure daughter: she does need a therapist (and it sounds like she has body dysmorphia). My mother said something similar like that to me (and I have it and it’s very hard to break).
Husband: wife! **You** are overreacting for getting upset that I threw out the cake!
Also husband: throws out a homemade birthday cake because blueberries are out of season...
In the last story, she volunteered to host. If she doesn’t want to accommodate for guests that gave her that respect in the past, then she shouldn’t expect people to come.
For real. Her family respected her by giving her vegan options but she can't return the favor? Nah, she is 100% an asshole for this.
And there's an easy fix if she doesn't want to make any meat dishes: Ask for others to bring a dish they like to add to the spread. That's literally what happens in my family when the vegetarians host. And they cook some good food so it's not a loss or anything.
... but it's not the same tough? A vegan person has sworn off certain kinds of food. it's not like non-vegan people have done the same. What, they swore of vegetables?? You've ever had a cheese pizza? BAM, you've had a vegetarian meal. I'm not vegan, but I cook a vegan meal sometimes. It's a food style to me, like Mexican food or Indian food. There's no reason why they can't eat food without animal products.
@@Jazzisa311 it’s the exact same
@Jazzisa311 Pizza sauce and the whole area has meat. Something can't be Gluten Free if you work with Gluten in the same building.... Same thing.
Also Veganism isn't vegetarianism.......
Story 2, the daughter asked for an HONEST, NO SUGAR COATED response, OP gave one
Its not bullying, Dabney
Last Story: the rest of her family adapts to her lifestyle by providing the food she likes. Why can't she have the same courtesy back?
or just bring your own dish to share like a pot luck😊
This is exactly what I thought. She'd expect them to provide one or two vegan options when a non-vegan hosts, but she can't extend the same energy? I get it if she's the only vegan in a room of 40+ people she'd be making more non-vegan food than she would prefer. But at that point why even bother offering to host?
Nah the last story the other family members provide vegan options on the holiday it’s not about to be a salad, it’s vegan replacement products that she is going to serve, which is rude as hell. Make it a potluck, serve non vegan options or don’t host. Get outta here with that score for the non vegan family members
It's different because they just make more of the food they don't mind eating themselves, and she would be forced to make food she doesn't eat (or may not even know how to prepare). it's just 1 meal for them, they'll survive
I get it. Its nice to try to share your lifestyle with family, but some people (kids and elderly) might not be open to a vegan diet. Throwing some nuggets in the oven and a premade meatloaf from the store for the elderly would help with. She doesnt even have to make it if she feels it's wrong. But r u gonna look ur poor pop in the eyes and tell him, oh, u should be having an iron rich diet? Guess u better pop a few extra iron pills old man. I take care of my grandfather and while Im open to eating a fully vegan, my pop wouldnt be. And i would be mad he didnt have the option of meat since his age means he wont get the nutrients he needs on a vegan diet. One meal might not hurt at the time, but it wont fill him (might only nibble to tide him over til he can find something more filling later) and if the host finds out the older folks resorted to getting food elsewhere to fill their needs (since she didnt give the option) she would probably feel extremely insulted.
i think the butthole score for story 2 was SUPER unfair. op says theyve been supporting their daughter and telling her shes pretty and stuff, and shes 14. 14 is an age where you should be mature enough to handle the truth that you ask for. and the thing is, OP didnt even call her ugly.. she called her average. which, last time i checked, being average is just fine, seeings how most of the population is average. seems unfair to give op a whole 3.5/5 when the abusive husband in the previous story only got 2/5???
You do realize that some people can't handle the truth, even older than 14,right? In some cases, it has nothing to do with your age, it's your mental state.
@@kelleyk28 Unfortunately that's just tough t*tties. The truth always comes to light one way or another. Whether or not someone can handle the truth says a lot about a person's strength or lack thereof not about whether or not the other person was right or wrong.
@@kelleyk28 so give them a false comfort that they'll have stripped from them once they go off on their own
@@CheeseMiser That wasn't what I meant. I have absolutely no self-esteem. I think the last time was when I was 5. It's more of trying to help them keep self-esteem. It doesn't have to be a lie. Or false hope. Sometimes, just hearing the words can build you up, because you expect your parents to find you beautiful. That's why I still don't believe my mom. She has to say that because she's my mom. But, if enough people tell you you aren't, who are you going to believe? As a parent, you're trying to help build your child's self-esteem, so the world doesn't destroy it and your kid ends up in therapy for the rest of their lives.
A small example. The former principal of, I think, the grade school my brother went to, talked with my mom a lot when my brother was getting bullied. (This was in the 90s) Her daughter had a BA or MA, not sure. She was beautiful and married a wonderful man. She was still in therapy. So, whatever her mother tried, didn't work. She was a very nice woman and no tolerance for bullying, but, somehow, she had been unable to help her daughter. If telling your child she's beautiful helps them, then do it.
If she keeps asking, the therapist is definitely needed.
@@truthseeker9249 Aaand, that's how some people become serial killers. Also, just because you can tell people the truth about something, doesn't mean you should. It's called empathy.
Story 2: When your child asks you not to lie, you don't lie. Full stop. Because if you do, no matter what you say in the future, that child will never believe it and, often times, will assume your intentions are the worst possibility. If she had lied and said that she's beautiful, the daughter wouldn't have believed it anyways because it's not the truth. The truth is the best possibility out of this no-win situation.
If a child is sad about being average looking, something is wrong.
Bake him a cake with some divorce papers next to it.
Story5: So OP is forcing her to be a mom?
Isn't that what she is supposed to be doing, cooking for her kids?
I would be looking into that custody agreement.
Screw baking! Just give him the divorce papers and a pack of one of those snowballs
I think the sister in the last story was in the wrong, her family always made accommodations for her instead of forcing her to eat their food. But now the roles are reversed and she’s not being accommodating at all and is trying to force her family to eat according to HER standards!
Ty I thought I was going crazy
@@Adreamer96 Dude same
Same this is what i hate about that argument.
Sorry, no vegan food from now on. Respect goes both ways.
Veganism is a food limitation, she can't eat what they can, however they can absolutely eat vegan food, so it's not the same thing. It'd be the same if they were celiac or something
I’ve actually been called average by my parents as well. And yeah, it forms a blue core memory. Sure I’m a guy, but that’s not something you want to hear from your own parents. I didn’t even prompt it. It just came up naturally in conversation. Now I never believe any compliments on my looks. Parents, your words hold a ton of weight in your child’s mind, so choose them carefully.
Rslash, rslash, rslash... you completely missed the point of story 2. She wasn't being mean, she was being honest. The mother didn't say "yeah, you're pretty ugly" she said you're average looking like almost everyone else. (Most likely the mom included)
The daughter ASKED to be HONEST, she can't complain about the result.
I'd agree completely if we weren't talking about an insecure teenager.
@@louib716 Insecure teenager or not she can't ask for the truth if she isn't prepared to get it. It's a hard lesson but one everyone has to learn.
@@louib716 no one is special. You can't just hide reality from a young adult. It will just make it harder for them when it comes
Story 1: "He later called and then texted about how I overreacted and hurt him and my stepdaughter by leaving."
What? If anyone is overreacting here, it's HIM. He made a big fuss over some blueberries and literally THREW THE CAKE IN THE TRASH. And to tell OP to "Stop it" when she got mad. Look, I get grieving and struggling is understandable, but taking it out on the cake and OP is very unacceptable. Dude is a massive AH and needs serious help. This isn't normal at all. NTA.
That last story..... So to sum it up the sister has been accommodated for for years at family gatherings. Even though since others were hosting going by r/slash's take they totally didn't have too and could have completely excluded her and basically left her nothing to eat despite the gathering being for EVERYONE not just the people hosting. Now that she's hosting she doesn't want to return that kindness that literally everyone else in her family has shown her. But it's okay just because she's doing the cooking.
I'm sorry but that's just not okay. If literally her entire extended family has made an effort to accommodate her at family events then she can return that kindness to them. Just because she's cooking doesn't give her the right to essentially exclude who knows how many people who don't want to eat vegan dishes. After all who's to say there will even be something that anyone would eat normally like salad? She could easily make a vegan meal that doesn't include a dish that people who aren't vegan would eat normally anyway or that only includes ingredients such as tofu that people who aren't vegan just don't want to eat majority of the time.
If I were her I would simply expect most of her extended family to not show up and to make the decision that she isn't allowed to host any gathering ever again. She is simply being super inconsiderate even though everyone else was considerate of her.
Unless she was exclusively preparing food items from ingredients the other family members refuse to eat on religious or moral grounds, she IS accommodating all guests.
Ask yourself: do you have meat in each and every food item you consume? In every bread, salad, dessert, drink? If the answer is no, you can eat from a vegan menu. There will probably be bread, salad, vegetables, various kinds of condiments, patties from rice and beans ... all perfectly normal food items you'd probably pick yourself when at a buffet. If she was preparing deer, you wouldn't be complaining that there wasn't any beef, chicken or pork. Yet, when she prepares other foods that you'd normally eat as well, you get all offended by the label vegan?
If the answer is yes, you have meat in each and every food item, including your bread, muffins, ice cream and beer, then you are gross ... 🤮
Sorry to say so, but your take is stupid. I've yet to find someone who exclusively consumes meat on moral or religious grounds. Not getting offered a specific ingredient in a particular meal isn't the same thing as only having food options that you won't be able to consume for whatever reason. If she was lactose intolerant and not preparing anything including diary while cooking for you, would you complain as well that she forces her non-dairy lifestyle onto you?
Exactly what i was thinking as well. Rslash really missed the mark on that one. Yes she is hosting, yes she can choose what she offers, but she is basically spitting in their faces and showing how little she appreciates them accomodating her. A very selfish person who only cares about getting what she wants and nobody else.
I was going to say that as well.
I tend to make sure that everyone has something that they can eat when they come over. Heck if I had someone come over that was a vegetarian or vegan I would use completely different set of pots and pans then put it separate on the counter to avoid contaminating it with stuff that they don't eat.
This is so silly? Someone who is vegan might have moral qualms about buying or preparing animal products.
A vegan cooking food with animals is NOT the same as a someone who eats meat including vegan options. It's genuinely just stupid to suggest it's the same thing.
Imagine telling a Muslim that they HAVE to serve pork and alcohol at parties and get togethers. Muslims are not allowed to eat pork, and I don't think many even allow it inside of their home at all. Forcing a Muslim to accommodate trivial preferences ("I think pork tastes better than chicken." would be so stupid, and literally just an insult to their beliefs.
Everyone is capable of eating vegan dishes. They're not mad because they don't like vegan food, but because they're petty.
@beeppboopp then they're not allowed to host
This isn't about one of the stories, but directly for Dabney (sorry, don't remember how you spell it).
I get what you're doing telling your daughter that she's beautiful often, you're trying to make it a rock solid truth in her mind that she's beautiful. But there is a very big risk in that, which might not be so obvious on first glance.
When you praise her by saying that she's beautiful, you're tying the praise you give her to her physical appearance. That means that her self esteem will be tied to how beautiful she precieves herself to be, and if she ever starts to doubt the beauty of her physical appearance she will see herself as worth less.
In stead, try praising her for other attributes in stead. Praise her actions, her kindness and her bravery. Make sure her self worth is tied to deeper attributes than just her looks. Looks and your perception of them can change, but if you make sure to tie her self worth to the core of who she is she will have far greater resilience.
I totally agree with this, but as a kid who grew up average looking with severe ED, it doesn't kill mothers to tell their daughters they are beautiful in addition to being kind and intelligent. If anything, it builds greater resilience to have learned as an adult that someone can find beauty in what the rest of society might call flaws because the concept of beauty doesn't have to be rigid. If a parent can't nurture at least that much, kid doesn't stand a chance. I'm not disagreeing with you though, I think I'm just leaving the message in the world that parents are allowed to tell their insecure daughters they are beautiful and kind and they won't create entitled monsters because the rest of the world outside will never hesitate to tell them how unpretty they are.
@@frozensherbet2 of course. But it should be treated more like being tall (true physical attribute to take positive ownership of) than being kind (something that makes your parents proud).
No, if they accommodate to her, she should accommodate to them
Was looking for this comment lol, totally agree
Last Story: It’s either a NTA, ESH, or NAH situation for however you look at it.
NTA: OP didn’t force her to stop or threaten her, just let her know the probable outcome of serving only vegan food for people who don’t want to eat it
ESH: Admittedly, OP probably sounds forceful on how she asks the sister to not make just vegan food, but the sister blew that out of the water with some disproportionate retribution
NAH: OP just tells the sister kindly, and the sister just wants to show her family something new.
Not wanting to eat vegan food is OK. Saying “it’s just a salad” is like saying a “hamburger is just a sandwich” to a vegan. They COULD eat it, they just choose not to. Also the argument of “ITS JUST ONE MEAL” also applies that same logic when turned around. They respected her choices of food, now she should respect theirs. She could even just tell them to bring their own food and it’s all hunky dorie.
Story 2: enforcing that a child is something that they're not can create an even worse situation later on when the lie is revealed.
The problem with story two is that it's a new win situation, the daughter will feel inferior for her looks, grades, strength, or skills because she's in high school with someone of the meaniest people around. She'll have to learn to grow and love herself no matter what folks say. It's just a sad part of life.
The reason I think OP is the asshole is not because she called her daughter average, but because she called her daughter's insecurities over her looks *because she was being bullied* "vanity."
Like that shows a serious disconnect. Vanity is when you think you're overly *prideful* about your looks. That girl wasnt overly prideful. She was confused because her family was telling her one thing and her bullies were telling her another.
Then her mom is "honest" because of her "vanity."
Op isn't the asshole. Her daughter asked for honesty. She should be prepared for it. Granted it could have been said in a different way , but she said nothing negative. Focus of non physical traits more. Because what others find attractive varies.
@darahhart5872 the fact that it could have been said in a better way means she's an asshole...
So everyone can accommodate the vegan sister when they're hosting but she can't accommodate them when she's hosting. Simple solutions, either don't let her host again or stop accommodating her when its their turn.
Exactly. Good for the goose, good for the gander.
I don't really think that's the best way to think of it. Because vegan food is not the same thing to an omnivore as animal products are to a vegan. Omnivores already eat vegan food normally.
The issue is also kind of similar to the abortion issue, since one side feels like the other side is morally abhorrent, like maybe literal murderers, but that other side just thinks the first side is, like, conceptually incorrect. Most people have some kind of morality, and there's always going to be some group of people who go against your ideals, and it just seems like across the board people are not really in agreement with how to handle such situations of the two sides coexisting.
What does she need to accommodate other people for? People eat vegan foods all the time vegan or non-vegan.
@peterchung2262 because most people don't eat JUST vegan food. At the end of the day 99% of vegans don't do it as a requirement, it's a lifestyle choice that they've chosen for themselves. Having a balanced, varied and nutritious diet is what people should strive for, and that includes meat.
That was exactly my thought when I heard the story. I can't believe R/slash didn't think that.
Last story, op said the family since she became vegan they would try and accommodate her so she can do the same.
I bet she will be shocked and dismayed when, going forward, they no longer accommodate her.
It's her party. She told them in advance what she is serving. They can come or not come, eat it or not eat it. They can make suggestions or requests, but directing her what to serve is just plain rude.
@MyFiddlePlayer just like the reverse, they can choose to no longer accommodate her requests and she can decide to come or not, eat it or not.
Let's change the scenario here. Suppose she keeps kosher and the rest of the family does not. She invites them over for a kosher meal, and they demand that she serve something not kosher. Do you still think she should accommodate them? (FYI, the process of making your kitchen kosher again after it has been contaminated is kind-of involved.)
@MyFiddlePlayer I don't think she should or shouldn't accommodate them. What I am saying is that they will likely not accommodate her anymore, which is within their rights. Whether I agree with them or not is irrelevant.
6:12 As a daughter who hears her dad's voice, keep up the compliments! I would also recommend complimenting your kid on things she controls (like how hard she works at something) versus just complimenting things she can't fully control (like looks and smarts).
you can fully control your smarts if you dont have a disability or a disorder.
@@srij0n316 Okay, sure. I think my phrasing may have been off here. Yes, intelligence is malleable, but research has shown that when kids are praised for their intelligence versus their effort, they are more likely to avoid risks and often become focused on performance ("Gifted Kid Syndrome"). Additionally, I'd like to push back on your statement that intelligence is fully in the hands of the individual unless they have a disorder or disability. I know plenty of people with learning disabilities (and I have a learning disability) and "disorders" as you put it and they are some of the smartest people I know. Not only that, but I would argue that raw intelligence (think book smarts) is not entirely the most important form of intelligence. Sometimes someone who may have an insanely high IQ has absolutely no idea how the world works (street smarts) or how to interact with people (emotional intelligence). IQ is also only a measurement of reasoning ability (how well you can use information and logic to answer questions & make predictions); to count only that as a measure of how smart a person is would be reductive and far too simplistic. I encourage you to take a broader look at what makes a person "smart" and to consider that people do not become smart just for bragging rights. The smartest people are often that way because they are insatiably curious.
Last story:
Honestly, I don't even care if she's hosting and paying for everything herself. (Edit: Would you really be ok with every other host refusing to prepare anything vegan as "they're the host and they're the one's paying" after all, rSlash? No effing way!) That argument would only stand if you *knew* that she was paying for the vegan options that everyone else prepared *specifically for her* every other year.
She had food made especially for her for years on other people's dimes. She can't prepare a SINGLE dish that isn't vegan? She can't politely say "you're welcome to bring a roast if you'd like"?
(Edit: Also, "it's a SALAD, just eat the salad!" is a TERRIBLE argument. 1. Salad really isn't enough on its own, 2. It's simply disingenuous because you KNOW that's not all it is. Most meat alternatives are disgusting... I've had plenty of poorly prepared tofu, and I hate mushrooms, squash & zucchini, etc.)
Richard Nickerson’s argument in a nutshell: “because of me me me and my personal dislike for vegetables, I disagree with Rslash in the last story”
I agree with you. Everyone else has made a point of preparing vegan food for her even though they, themselves, do not necessarily care for it. That she will not show the same consideration for them is selfish. Trying to force your lifestyle/diet choices on others isn't right. Offer a choice and respect people's decisions the same way you expect them to respect your choices. I wonder how she would feel if, going forward, no one made any vegan options because "she can try something different for tonight."
I agree with you. Like yes it's one meal for one day but it's the family reunion. I don't know how large or how distant the OP's family is but for my family reunion it is a 6 hour flight. If I traveled 6 hours, paid for a hotel (I endure my family on the best days) and went to the reunion and the food was food I couldn't ear or just didn't like I would be annoyed. Like my family eats things like venison and one brought possum one year. If all the options were game I would be mad and probably order doordash. Is it rude? Yes but I'm not the only relative who would turn their nose up at it.
Edit to add: Also imagine if the food was the hot topic not like the new baby or new spouse? Like instead of focusing on family you're too busy trying to figure out what you can and cannot eat.
No that's a dumb take. Entitled vegan people get rightfully called out if they make a scene complaining the food isn't vegan for them yet you're defending people complaining the food is vegan here? It's more outrageous considering vegan people can't eat non-vegan foods, but non-vegan people do eat vegan foods.
To be fair, "it's a SALAD" is a stupid argument that only confuses people and really isn't funny.
Also: majority of western vegan food contains soy.
some people are DANGEROUSLY allergic to soy.
The final story, yes. Its her party, she can cook whatever she wants. But people have the choice to attend or not if they don't like what is offered. I see no issues saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to your vegan party", if she is gonna be so stubborn about the menu
Perhaps the correct response is to follow her example for future menus? And then when she complains quote her that this is your chance to “showcase carnivorism” and that “for one meal everyone can give it a go”…
@giraffegiraffe8702 exactly my thought they cook vegan for her at theirs and she can't buy anything meat or them.
Agreed they accommodated her during all the other parties and why can't she do the same also she can buy like an already made chicken at the store if she doesn't like cooking meat
Meat eaters don't have a moral objection to not eating meat, if you seriously can't go a single meal without meat you should see someone about that.
@@DarkShadow-ws4wo It’s human nature to eat meat. We’re omnivores for a reason, we have teeth for biting chunks of meat for a reason.
It’s actually more unhealthy to be vegan than to be an omnivore. You’re missing nutrients only meat has.
If you can’t accommodate people who have accommodated you, you need to check yourself and grow up.
Story 2: The daughter sounds like she has some pretty serious body dismorphia, becoming depressed by looking at yourself is concerning so op was right to suggest a therapist. And while the daughter probably wasn't actually looking for brutual honesty this is probanly a good thing long term. If nothing else is a good lesson in not asking for honesty if you don't actually want it.
1st story: NTA
If OP overreacted by just leaving, then wtf would you call what the husband did? Leave that toxic hypocrite.
Funny thing about the blueberry story is, The husband wanted to go buy a new blueberry cake from a bakery, so he had time.. Time that *could* have been spent going to a further away store and just, y'know..? buying blueberries? to top the cake?
Sounds like the cake is the same cake the dead mom used to make. He started going to a bakery when she died. Feels like there's trauma there and it was a big deal to him to get that element right. Though he could have gone out and gotten the blueberries himself.
Either way he needs serious therapy
story 2: what OP said is a good life lesson, and something her daughter needs to hear/learn soon, but idk if that was the moment to do it. I think something along the lines of “to me you’re beautiful/perfect but not everyone is going to see what I see” would’ve been just as good. instead of the teaching moment OP was hopping for, that girl is gonna walk away with the core memory of “my mom thinks Im ugly” even if that wasn’t OP was trying to say at all.
also jfc, you’re daughter isn’t vain, she’s FOURTEEN. she’s a TEEN. of course she’s self conscious, get her into therapy so it doesn’t turn into a life long problem
While it's a good message, the daughter avoiding mirrors and photos isn't just regular teenage anxiety about appearances. She legitimately needs a therapist, not a life lesson about how she's average looking
first story: Thats supposed to be a 12 year old girls favorite cake for her only 12th birthday. Of course there should be Blueberrys on top. Throwing the cake out instead of driving to the store for some blueberrys is where the dad is the ahole tho...
12 is old enough to understand that sometimes stores don’t have something. But yeah, if it was such a big deal it wouldn’t be hard to go to some stores and look for them himself.
The store was out of blueberries. I think the birthday girl will understand that the cake, that was her favorite flavor and icing, is still great without blueberries.
The store didn't have blueberries. That was why there were no blueberries on the cake.
So hearing the first story, i thought maybe he was having a reaction about the cake because his dead wife is the one who used to make her cake and I guess she always put blueberries on her daughters cake and thats why he got upset, BUT after hearing what he did after that, yeah time to divorce him, he said SHE overreacted by leaving,but HE'S the one who overreacted over freaking blueberries, not the AH OP
For the last story, the thing that got me was that she was trying to use the family reunion as a showcase for her personal diet. She'd also not be the first person to cook food for a family event that she personally doesn't like. She doesn't mention never having vegan options before so I'm assuming some non vegans have made vegan dishes for her at previous reunions. She sounds more like the insufferable vegans you see memes about.
The story clearly states that the family were making special vegan meals for her since she picked up that terrible lifestyle... she's TAH
I would be petty, and the next time it was my turn to host, make all non vegan dishes and then tell her not to force her lifestyle on me when she complains.
Yeah I'm surprised rSlash didn't mention this, it makes the things pretty damn simple. If other hosts were making vegan dishes to accommodate her diet and she isn't willing to accommodate theirs when she hosts, she is 100% in the wrong, no question.
Yeah that's what I don't get and I was a bit annoyed when rslash said it was just a salad. It's probably not "just a salad" it's more like meat substitutes. And not everyone can handle that depending on who it is. Plus , her family have always made her vegan dishes so why can't she invite others to make non vegan dishes?
What the sister in the last story should have done was, "Look, I know not everyone in the family is vegan; but if you would all give me the chance, I would like to show what I can make. And I am willing to allow for you to each bring a non-vegan dish if you still want to."
Story 6: The whole family has been accommodating the vegan for three years by making sure there is something for her to eat. Reciprocity is respect. She should make sure something is available to accommodate everyone. That's just how being a good host works.
Exactly what I was thinking
at the same time, don't expect everyone to show up
It's impressive that this vegan managed to make a family reunion about her being vegan
Thank you! I was thinking the exact same. They have been respectful with her so she needed to reciprocate and the only thing she did was make it all about herself and her beliefs.
Thank you I was thinking the same thing! I guarantee you that if it was the other way around and the family was giving Vegan options at their own rslash would have given them a butthole score. People are really weird with vegans and veganism like the same social rules don't apply. She expects the family to accommodate her while not being willing to accommodate the family to doesn't have her beliefs its so hypocritical.
The ex-wife asking for money for food is like the "homeless" guy in the parking lot of a strip mall. He says he needs money for food, but when you offer them food, they get angry. I remember one of these guys asking me for money for food as i was on my way into a McDonald's. I told him to follow me in and i would buy him breakfast. The guy gets a confused look on his face, then he says to just give him money because he doesn't like McDonald's. That was when i told him, "I guess you should be asking for "money for food" in a different parking lot then". After that i went inside and got my breakfast to go. When i came out and walked to my car, the guy gave me a dirty look. The guy didn't want food. He wanted my money to spend on who knows what. Well when it's my money, i get to decide how it gets spent. Same goes for your ex-wife. If she needs food like she said, she would take the food. She rejected the food because she wants your money to spend on who knows what. Your money, your decision. You offered her what she said she needed. She said no. Make sure to tell the people giving you crap exactly that.
And the part about expecting her to "act like a housewife?" WTF? He's not demanding she cook a meal for HIM, just that she be an adult and cook for herself and their kids. If you're an adult and you don't have money to eat out or eat takeout, but you have food in the house, you be an adult, get off your ass, look up a recipe and cook something. Everyone should know how to cook a basic meal.
Last story, in every event following this one: "What? No, we didn't think we'd keep a vegan option available, you can try something different for just one day. It's no big deal."
I really don't think the mom in the second story is necessarily a jerk. I know plenty of grown adults who never grew out of the emotional teenage response phase and the daughter did ask for no sugar coating. It's not like she was intentionally mean and it's not like she was wrong or lying.
Exactly. She didn't even say she was ugly. Why is R/slash equating being AVERAGE to UGLY? They're not the same.
Being average isn't an insult.
@@ferzinhaN My guess would be "If you say anything other pretty or beautiful, you MUST be ugly" in today's culture of perception. Which is just...gross. But look on social media: Everyone needs to be a 10/10 on appearance no matter what, and if you say otherwise then you are the butthole. If R/slash is on social media reading these kinds of things then he may have adopted the mentality without knowing just from overexposure.
@@ferzinhaN in total agreement. Love the guy but when it comes to parenting sometimes, he gets real emotional and comes to black and white conclusions. Sometimes he's right (cuz some of those stories are so wild or blatant), sometimes he isn't.
Gotta disagree rslsah was right here. The daughter asking for no sugar coating is like a dog trying to reach for a piece of chocolate to eat it, the dog may think that's what it wants but clearly it would do more harm than good. Op claims she remembers what it was like to be a teenage girl then should remember how much positive enforcement will help in the long run
I would like being called average. If I'm average that means I blend in with everyone else. No pressure.
The cake with blueberries is tradition from his relationship with his late wife. He hasn’t gotten over her and thus when OP didn’t add the blueberries he took it as an attack on his late wife. That’s my thought process at least, either way OP should leave or rethink their marriage
He needs counseling
He sounds like a monster. I don't care who tf you lost,if you're going to explode like that over trivial things,then there is a HUGE issue! There is NO excuse!
I'm about to be 31 and I still remember the day when I was 15 and my mom said to me "you would be pretty if you lost 20lb". That was closest she ever got to complimenting me and it has totally wrecked my view on myself. I still struggle with self worth. The only other compliments I got were the same way. Like: "you have beautiful hair. Unfortunately you don't take of it and it looks horrible". Like thanks mom. Totally had nothing to do with you not teaching me.
2nd story: totally disagree with rlash. the parent was not bullying their kid. being called average is fine. what is wrong with it? its the truth (and frankly better than being called ugly). she even said that they always told her she was pretty. having a bit of truth helps build the mind to see reality and not become delusional. many parents boosted their child's confidence to the point that the child was so delusional that they couldn't see that they were not pretty or had talent, and then they would blame the world when really it was the parents fault. being a teenager is about finding the medium in their life. and the their kid did say 'be honest'
what really you should be focusing on this story is how the kid handles the comments from the other kids at school, and the parents should be helping their kid accept that beauty is the eye of the beholder and so accept yourself because you can't please everyone