One thing that I notice is that when you grow up with family who exhibit this behavior, you can internalize and pick up bad habits as well. I’m using this just as much to unlearn my own crossing of boundaries and notice it when others do it as well. Thanks!
I was about to state the same. I still fight these habits everyday and i'm somewhat paranoid and lost about my own behavior. its "funny" that i got stonewalled immediatly by my "teachers" when i started to set my own boundaries. it went down pretty much like scripted in the skits. disgusting. at least i can "enjoy" the silence now.
I've seen this pattern referred to as Narcissistic FLEAS - as in when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. I admire the level of self-compassion and acceptance you exhibit by being aware about this and understanding it's origin and how to change the pattern rather than internalizing it as shame or commentary on yourself as a "bad person" -- this is a perspective I've been working towards myself .
Might be worth mentioning that, even if they have an idealized image of themselves and refuse to admit any fault, they don't actually walk around thinking "oh yeah I'm so perfect and never do anything wrong". They know that viewing yourself as perfect is in itself a fault, so they can't admit to that either.
As Ana said it makes them feel ashamed. I feel like if you make such people feel respected and valued enough theyll be more comfortable to admit their mistakes.
I think shunting their defensive spiral and going back to productive conversation is almost a favour to them. They don't want to saying that script anymore than I want to hear it.
@@andrijastojcic5695 I tried giving those people respect and value and they didn't respect and value me in return. Don't try to save people who will drown you.
❤ the cat and the info in this video. It’s easier to understand when using the term manipulator than narcissist because I can get caught up in reminding myself I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose someone. I wonder if you might consider taking this deeper in another video; specifically regarding generational patterns. The person that is raised by abusive and manipulative alcoholic grows up to marry the same then has children who form similar patterns. The original person then wonders is it really everyone around him or he himself who is the problem.
@@celesterosales8976 To be fair, "narcissist" isn't only a medical term. It can totally refer to that type of person whether they have a full-on mental disorder or not. Kind of like how, for example, you can say that someone who's down in the dumps is "depressed" even if it's just a temporary funk.
1: zero accountabillity 2: gaslighting 3: denail 4: blameshifting ( change the role of abuser/victim) 5: the victim mask ( play victim) 6: weaponizing externals, the environment, leverageing 7: Drama, creating chaos 8: Silent treatments 9: baiting 10: bread crumbing 11: Triangulation useing others in a game. Eks compareing their ex sex partner to the victim 12: blatant lies 13: exaggeration 14: minimalization 15: lovebombing: flattery, seduction, flirting, bribes, brainwashing with storytelling 16: mirroring: acting like they are like the victim to make them like them/love them= the soul mate scam
I feel really inexperienced when dealing with manipulative situations. Im glad that in the skit, you mention everything john is doing because it was hard for me to put into words what he was doing wrong, even tho i felt the wrong doing.
I have experience with such people; lots of them. Everything she talks about in this video, including the skit, is incredibly accurate. I would even recommend coming back to this video, should you happen to have such a situation.
I grew up in a toxic, abusive household and after watching this video I have realised that I unconsciously do some of these things. This has given me cause for reflection and self-observation so I can be a better partner and a better person. Very insightful, thank you for this video!
my favorite is when they say YOURE the manipulative one for saying their (completely normal and justified, of course) behavior hurt you in any way, and when they try to pathologize you. how dare you try to manipulate them into feeling bad about hurting you? if you were a good person youd let them do anything they want to you! why do you think your feelings are more important? what are you, a narcissist? (and the discussion was about them not telling you when they cant make it to a 1-1 hang out until 1hour after meeting time because they decided to extend a date to 2 days instead of a couple hours)
NO this is TOO REAL. This is exactly what happened to me for a year and a half, I'm so glad it's over but It's been 4 months and I'm still so hurt and angry! The healing process is taking forever!
ugh got out of a relationship with a manipulative person and it took me so long to realize. i still feel like ruminating on what i potentially did wrong, and worry that im the one distorting. im working now on not doubting my own intentions so much.
Good for you, if it's worth any salt; I'd say what you potentially did wrong was think that there was something you could do right, which there wasn't.
@@toi4154 the simple facts of the situation, which were that he lied to me consistently. and some smart discerning loved ones in my life who let me know that he was manipulating me from their perspective. i hope you’re okay! i would say its a big warning sign if you have a constant feeling of guilt around them that doesn’t seem to resolve with your attempts at honest and true communication.
The Actual NARCISSIST is the cat. he/she's having a great time, violating boundaries, getting attention all he/she deserves, demeaning your presence, guilt tripping you into showing love and that. I mean that crazy 😂❤❤❤
I think it's worth mentioning that sometimes (or should i say mostly) it's not a black and white situation, I have a friend who uses some of those manipulation tactics, but when I confront him his reactions are very mixed, sometimes very self reflecting and apologetic but sometimes aggressive and confrontational. Looks like to me he's trying to become a better person but from time to time stress and frustrations bring his toxic personality back. Makes me think if I'm doing the same thing to someone else.
True, I have a friend to whom I have several times tried to ask for space for myself. He needs to have a daily chat or he feels anxious that someone else is going to come over in my life to take his place which i find absurd, idk if I'm wrong or right here. He needs to know about my whereabouts each time I do something different or even a simple thing. I have tried telling him not to do so which usually leaves a bitter argument, later which he comes apologizing saying he has hurt me etc etc. I say why have arguments like this in the first place where you need countless sorrys to deliver at last? He had big issues and personal prblms in his life where I was there supporting him mentally immensly, so I have done only that much for him. Which in turn makes me feel guilty that he is a good friend. And that I'm the one seeing any prblms. But I have started hating having conversations with him due to his overconcerning questions, always the need to talk whenever I have time, and he says do i not know it's hurting him when I'm hurting internally? His good behaviours puts me in a situation where i don't even know if I'm right to say such things about him. I feel like crying, mentally drained after chattinv with him. He cares for me, supports me too, but i just don't understand why do I not feel good having a chat with him anymore.
My ex was like this. We broke up two months ago. INHERENTLY MANIPULATIVE. Even if they aren’t conscious of it! Doesn’t make them a bad person, but you have become a pawn in their world of insecurity, they are using you to try and make themselves feel better on some level and they don’t deserve your energy like that! Even the sweetest people need time alone to figure this out, I’d steer clear or keep a distance if I’m honest. I know I’m a stranger on the internet lol, but if this is really the vibe of your interactions trust meeee, distance distance distance. You’re only going to feel worse if you keep expecting it to start improving
People can and do change, when they want to and it's a slow and hard process. If your friend is consistent in trying to take accountability even if it sometimes takes them a bit to come around to doing so then it may be worth it to give them grace, ultimately how much grace and patience you extend is a personal choice only you can make. To me the deciding matter if I believe if someone is sincerely changing is consistency and what happens when they mess up, do they come back sometime later and go "hey, I'm sorry for when I xyz" or do they brush it under the rug after blowing up and shouting you down. If a person is trying to hold themselves accountable I believe they will make the first move in correcting and addressing the behaviors they want to change.
Wait so why even set boundaries with a manipulative person to begin with? Watching this video made me realize I should just save my breath and avoid the manipulative person in my life.
@@BHSAHFAD You set your boundaries, once, maybe twice, and after that, you just let them. Let them do what they want, and let them walk out of your life.
jesus u came out with this at the perfect time i got in a fight with my friend and just realized they literally act exactly like this whenever there's a problem thank you
Hurts like hell to realise that someone I considered a best friend went through most of the list and ultimately got to tactic 9, making me realise what was going on at last. No wonder I'm doubting my no contact rule right now. Keep what you're doing Ana, you're a great help! ❤
'I want to be treated with basic human respect and dignity'. That is such a good way to put it. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I am so tired of landlords, letting agents, housemates, recruitment consultants, HR, managers, colleagues, demanding to know everything about me... including what I went through as a child. It's what I call 'their dose of child porn'.
@@soulsearcher7077they probably don't. But do they really have to? Wouldn't it be better if everyone just treated everyone with respect and kindness, instead of just demanding stuff all the time and acting like they knew better? Wouldn't it be better if we all assumed people have their own traumas and therefore we should approach each other a little more carefully and respectfully?
My brother's teasing can be vicious. He's eight years older, and I see a lot of problems he contributed to. Yet he justifies it at every turn. "I'm only teasing, you shouldn't let it bother you, when people tease it's because they care and they won't like you if you get mad about it, you need to learn how to take it. . . " We live hundreds of miles apart and I very rarely talk to him.
My mother was very manipulative, I couldn’t set boundaries with her yet she would try to tell me how to with other people. It was very ironic. One thing she told me though that has stuck with me and actually did give me some confidence was that it is important to say something whether they accept it or not as they will have it in their mind and be thinking about it. In most cases when they come to their senses they’ll either come back and apologize. If not they learned something about us and so did we. Saying it out loud is better than holding it in. I’ve learned that with my partner, as he often does come around and find reason. I’m glad I never gave up on him as we have grown so much together.
I hate to use the t word, but that skit was so realistic, it was kind of triggering! All of it was so familiar. Thank you. You're doing a great service with your channel.
A few days ago I had to make the call to stop seeing a person with these characteristics. I still think that he isn't a bad person, just doesn't have the skill to self-reflect and I really wish he could go to therapy. I was thinking of sending him this video when in the outro she said "do not try to change a manipulative person" lol. It's sad and it makes me feel powerless how I can't really do much other than removing myself from the dynamic. Yes I'm angry at him but I am also sad. I will still miss him.
Trying to build something real with a manipulative person is like pouring water in a broken vase, it is useless. I tried to avoid my limits and I kept being disrespected further, it's emotionally consuming and underpaid, they don't realize the damage they are doing, the only things that matter are their wishes and their whims. Run
Realizing my ex husband used all of these on me. The worst part is that he used silence to punish me so now when I’m trying to stay no contact I have to reinforce to myself that this silence is a gift to me and not a punishment from him.
Yes, justifying actions often involves avoiding blame, which helps protect a person's self-image or avoid guilt. It can serve as a defense mechanism to reconcile the gap between their actions and values. By deflecting responsibility or rationalizing their behavior, individuals can maintain a sense of integrity or avoid emotional discomfort. Ultimately, this avoidance helps them manage the tension between what they believe they should do and what they actually do. Great video btw, keep it up girly.
I just experienced this and seeing your video was further confirmation that I can state my boundary and impose consequences even while struggling with the gaslighting that I'm the "wrong one". I'm *extremely* proud of myself for stating I'm not looking for who's right or wrong, but communicating a hurt. It's hard to find any solution with which these people are content. If I state a hurt, I get the DARVO that they're hurt for being "punished" by me calling out their actions. If I am willing to compromise that I contributed to the misunderstanding, suddenly I'm "being too nice". There's no "winning" for me (i.e. understanding on both parts) because the other person sees the conversation as needing a winner or loser. It's exhausting and I want no part of it. I am ending the friendship.
So real. It still gives me chills when I reflect on the 2 years relationship with a manipulative person. Now I'm well over him, but the chills and fear would not go away.😢 It just bleeds into my life.
Ended some friendships and professional relationship this year with some people having these traits, it's been both freeing and challenging. Staying the course
that conversation at the end was really trigerring for me personally, having lived through a relationship of manipulation. it is really well portrayed, so bad many people don’t realize they’re being manipulated until it’s too late
I've discovered through bitter experience that if we are in a relationship with someone who gets angry at us and invalidates our feelings when they hurt us (they flirt with others then tell us we are "too jealous" etc, or they insist on always getting things their way but if we have a preference it's not ever something they give way on) then we are best to get away from them before they totally destroy our lives, which they will do at some point as they DO NOT care about us, they might say they do but they don't
I feel like it would be more helpful to explore how both people can contribute to this dynamic and can be seen as manipulative depending on your perspective. it is so easy to point a finger at the other person and say "they are the manipulator" when in many cases, they may feel similarly about you in the moment. for example, in the skit, I felt it was very shocking to hear ariana say that the guy should be able to discern for himself what he can share about her life and what he cannot. that's essentially expecting someone to read your mind, which is completely unreasonable and a highly narcissistic behavior in and of itself. in most cases, the world is not "good guys/non-manipulators" versus "bad guys/manipulators". everyone falls into these categories at different times and we should be open to reflecting on this fact if we actual want to resolve conflicts in our relationships.
Also, I do think we ALL manipulate each other, we all are imperfect beings and even how people respond is imperfect. However, the key thing is at the end. You set the boundary, if they pass it again, you have to set that with them. That would include moving that person out of your life or priority level. We all want to have the people in our lives do what we want, but what they do is outside of our control.
Yes a lot of times we even cross boundaries without realizing or do some very unhealthily conditioned behaviors. Not that Im excusing it we should all still strive to do better and be willing to have these civil discussions with the people we care about.
@@brandneu6439 Wrong, every social interaction is mutual manipulation conscious or not. Manipulation isn't a diagnostic criteria where if you're below a threshold you aren't manipulating
@@AnaPsychology Every interaction is mutual manipulation even if unconscious or at the tiniest scale. Manipulation is not like a personality disorder where magnitude or certain levels matter. Person x and person y talk, they both are doing it for a reason which means they are trying to get an outcome or affect something by doing it
Regarding the first point, one should add that there's a difference between a boundary and a request. All of the examples of an “unreasonable boundary” are actually requests. A true boundary is something that doesn't require the other to do anything. You can't set a boundary for someone to treat you with dignity, take care of your child at a specific time or not to sleep with someone else. However, you can set a boundary that you will not have such people in your life and leave them if they violate your boundaries.
Boundaries are for ourselves. If it's not something we can inact by ourselves then it's a request or a rule or a demand. I've had a lot of people try to set boundaries around me, not around what they will do in reaction to my behavior but around my ability to do or say a thing at all. Those weren't boundaries, and while they weren't always requests that were unreasonable or that I would mind complying with that they were presented as boundaries was harmful and it feels bad. In short I'm saying I agree with you and that when people get the lines wrong it feels bad to be on the receiving end of a "boundary" that is a request even if you think the request is reasonable
So true! My ex girlfriend wanted a poly relationship and used all these tactics to get me to give up my values. Thanks for exposing these behaviors so we can warn others!
The skit was gut-wrenching because when you grew up with behaviours like this, it's hard not to see it as normal and fall into every trap they set. It was also SO HELPFUL to see it played out.
the thing about them having unreasonable expectations for others really got me. my dad once told me that it was my fault that i couldn't hear the neighbor's slow encroachment (with a small tractor) of our property through six walls of pure concrete and sleeping about 3 basketball courts away from the incident. i was blown away
Protecting my emotional well-being has been described to me as stonewalling. Not being emotionally available 24/7 makes me anxious avoident. My problems aren't that bad, comparatively, so I should work harder to make to make him feel more loved.😮💨
This is so much more important that just saying “don’t engage with them,” because that’s not always possible. My mother in law is horrible, but my husband wants her in his son’s life, so we have to try to understand her and learn how to work around her downfalls.
That skit was eye opening and so validating. I realized I have been Ariana and been confronted by Ariana… while never having been John. Now I have something interesting to chew over for the next 5 days
Glad to see this. I know someone who always refers to their past or says they didn't mean it when I try to set a boundary but when they say something to me, I often apologise straight away. It's maddening
“There is no limit to what the human mind will do in order to preserve self esteem” My goodness, so true. I see it every day and often find myself distorting perspectives to preserve my ego. Ahhhhh 🤪
I love these examples being acted out in a skit! I’m pretty new but if this is a new element in your vids, please keep doing it! sometimes hearing out a list of descriptions isn’t enough for me to really feel sure if something is applicable, so the fact that you guys acted it out was so helpful
Brilliant. Excellent advice delivered with exemplary clarity and zero waffle - the best video out of many I've seen on this topic. And that's not even factoring in the cat.
The "worst person in the world" things always gets me. I feel like a lot of the manipulation tactics are kind of overextensions and lack of corrections for pretty natural reactions to shame, etc. But this is just clown shoes! I feel like maybe the right thing to do is just go total over the top shaming the person for saying that like "really, just the verbatim over-the-top manipulator trope?!" And just make fun of them forever for it. Okay, I know that would actually totally not help, but it is a thing that when I hear someone say it, I pretty much immediately decide they're not someone I can trust to be vulnerable in any way with or take seriously. It's just... what is that! It's like a caricature of a manipulator but I've heard it verbatim so many times!
An ex girlfriend and I used to meet up and act out skits in public (no camera for fun) one I wish we did was the most toxic couple ever that only used manipulative devises. That would have been a bit fun
This video has honestly opened my eyes to a big undertaking that I've pretty much been putting off for years. Looking in from the outside, so to speak, has helped me realize that I really need to face the music about the way I've acted out in my time of crisis to otherwise well-meaning people. I guess the one thing I have yet to come to terms with is if they're gonna be willing to accept my efforts to take accountability in the first place, and how I'm gonna resolve my entitlement to their grace if thats the case. I know I don't deserve it, I just don't know if I have the capacity to deal with that being proven to me.
Thank you so much, Ana! Everything you said and the skit were so in line with what happened to me and my family member a few weeks back. I constantly questioned whether I had done the right thing and the feeling of guilt was awful. I don't normally comment on videos, but seeing it laid out like this was so helpful and reassuring! Thank you again!
@ 3:00 mins… oh god too accurate. an ex friend of mine was severely manipulative and when confronted, openly admitted to being manipulative and would dismiss themseves from any conversation of criticism by admitting this- “we can’t talk about this because i can’t take criticism”. they’d rather openly admit it than change their behavior
Seeing the skit, I realize my situation might be far worse. my partner won’t ever even engage in a conversation about his behavior for that long. He will deny it and then immediately get angry and I’ll usually just drop it. But at least you gave me some better defenses!
Okay, the skit is great, but I feel like Ariana petting the car on John's shoulder undermines her assertiveness. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, resist the urge to pet the cat 😂
Had a big argument like 3 days ago that fits this whole video. I think I can calm down now. Bastard did all this nonsense then stonewalled to avoid the original boundary
I’m autistic and have a hard time reading the room When someone sets a boundary I get extremely anxious and fold like a lawn chair, it’s extremely embarrassing when I unintentionally make someone upset 😂😂 Workin on it
@@Yo-zy9yz people use humor to diffuse uncomfortable emotions allot, as do I in this case, I am not in control of my feelings but I can control my behaviour
i am also autistic and the best advice i have for not falling into the pitfall of self-victimization is to ask for the behavior that upset someone to be clearly explained in simple terms and then to confirm that you will try not to do it again in the future. i don't like to apologize unless i know what i did was wrong because in the past i was abused by my caregivers and made to apologize when i wasn't in the wrong. if a person can explain clearly why what i did upset them and i can understand how my behavior upset them then i can make an informed apology instead of an empty one that is only intended to placate. the other part of this is that sometimes asking for an explanation might set someone off. they make take it as an attack that you can't read their mind and discern what you did that upset them. the only thing i can say at that point is let them cool off and try again, or know when to walk away. i'm done trying to play mind reader. people need to communicate openly and honestly with each other, autistic or not. it's infuriating that they don't.
WHENEVER you find yourself having an argument with a manipulative person, always stick to the boundary you set and call them out on being a manipulative person whenever the narrative allows. Keeps your head in the game so that at the end of the conversation you realise that it was most likely all for nothing and everything they said came from their deep hatred towards themselves, be wary of toxic people.
your acting partner did such a good job! (you too). Thank you for this. I never thought how helpful it would be to see this "played out" like that. Thank you for your content!
The outtakes were great. I’ve clicked on this video because I was subconsciously looking for something to be called out on, only to realize what kind of behavior you’re talking about. It was the several years of narcissistic abuse sitting on my shoulders and whispering into my ear. I’m glad I know better now than I did back then. The solution was changing my behavior (aka no longer allowing them to treat me like a toy and a doormat) and not that of the other person because that was outside of what I could control.
Omg, that example is the exact way conflict went with both my ex bestie and brother. It's nice to know they were manipulating me because I often doubt myself about it as they did try and flip it on me.
urgh.. all my ex's did all of these things.. but every time i tried to leave they would be extremely loving to me to keep me hooked then they'd get abusive again once i was back
my abusive ex broke the few boundaries i tried to set at least a lot. I have two specific examples in mind when i told her i wasnt comfortable with her cuddling other girls she got mad at me, gave me an ultimatum, and acted like i was just too jealous the other time i told her, long after we broke up, that i wasnt comfortable with her venting about her girlfriend to me. She did, and she used the excuse that "i made it seem like it was ok to". For context, she said she was sad, i asked her if it was because of her girlfriend, and she immediately used it as a prompt to go rant for 2 hours, and even when i tried getting her to stop she told me something along the lines of "i'm in pain, why are you even worried that this might hurt you in comparison"
My mom does that. Made me really question reality after a while (probably doesn't help that I'm autistic). But now I've built a robot that watches, listens, transcribes and indexes. Microsoft calls it recall. I call it The Captain
It is good to reserve the term boundary for things one can control. The skit shows making a request. Disclosing a boundary would be: John, I want to protect my family. When you shared ... I felt hurt and betrayed. If I can't trust you with things I've told you in confidence, I'll need to stop telling you them. (The boundary is to not share the intimate details with John if he proves untrustworthy. Then Ariana can make a request.) I want to keep telling you things and to have that intimacy in our relationship. So, please don't reveal things I said in confidence in the future. For some people, this would all implicit in the request. However, for me, spelling it out makes it clearer.
This video came out at the exact timing. I just had a to put a boundary last night, and it was not the first time. And at the end of discussion I was having doubts about myself. But I identified all the manipulation tactics except for the anger one. The discussion went very similar to your example. Almost too similar! Even though the boundary was different. Thank you for this video. It is really helpful.
One thing that I notice is that when you grow up with family who exhibit this behavior, you can internalize and pick up bad habits as well. I’m using this just as much to unlearn my own crossing of boundaries and notice it when others do it as well. Thanks!
I was about to state the same. I still fight these habits everyday and i'm somewhat paranoid and lost about my own behavior. its "funny" that i got stonewalled immediatly by my "teachers" when i started to set my own boundaries. it went down pretty much like scripted in the skits. disgusting. at least i can "enjoy" the silence now.
Me too brother, me too.
100%! I
I've seen this pattern referred to as Narcissistic FLEAS - as in when you lay down with dogs you get up with fleas. I admire the level of self-compassion and acceptance you exhibit by being aware about this and understanding it's origin and how to change the pattern rather than internalizing it as shame or commentary on yourself as a "bad person" -- this is a perspective I've been working towards myself .
Much Authentic Respect ✌️
The cat is having none of this
Let’s talk about setting boundaries with a cat. You don’t.
@@jennyjones-tw5hp
The cat intervened as a symbol of shameless egocentricity.
Classic manipulator
For real, I love how he’s playing the antagonist and the cat is just like “love me plz”
@@jennyjones-tw5hp😂😂 nope. Cats are narcissists!😂
Might be worth mentioning that, even if they have an idealized image of themselves and refuse to admit any fault, they don't actually walk around thinking "oh yeah I'm so perfect and never do anything wrong".
They know that viewing yourself as perfect is in itself a fault, so they can't admit to that either.
As Ana said it makes them feel ashamed. I feel like if you make such people feel respected and valued enough theyll be more comfortable to admit their mistakes.
Yep! The self-aggrandizement is always a compensation for deep feelings of insecurity
I think shunting their defensive spiral and going back to productive conversation is almost a favour to them. They don't want to saying that script anymore than I want to hear it.
@@andrijastojcic5695 I tried giving those people respect and value and they didn't respect and value me in return. Don't try to save people who will drown you.
@@andrijastojcic5695 That doesn't work and it doesn't correct their behavior. What you are doing is called coddling.
I love how the cat decided that it needs to be part of the skit. We need more cat cameos to help with heavy (but great) topics.
The cat: 🤸♀️🧗♀️🪜⛷️🐈⬛️
We are just a playground to her 😂
@@AnaPsychology the world is her oyster 💅
❤ the cat and the info in this video. It’s easier to understand when using the term manipulator than narcissist because I can get caught up in reminding myself I’m not a doctor and can’t diagnose someone. I wonder if you might consider taking this deeper in another video; specifically regarding generational patterns. The person that is raised by abusive and manipulative alcoholic grows up to marry the same then has children who form similar patterns. The original person then wonders is it really everyone around him or he himself who is the problem.
@@celesterosales8976 To be fair, "narcissist" isn't only a medical term. It can totally refer to that type of person whether they have a full-on mental disorder or not. Kind of like how, for example, you can say that someone who's down in the dumps is "depressed" even if it's just a temporary funk.
Oh that skit was triggering. Way too accurate. I have had some version of this conversation monthly/weekly/daily for the last four years. Good god.
yeah, same.
I hope you're speaking about the past.
@@MultiCappie about five months ago. I’m far away from that now
@@deja3963 Really truly glad to hear that.
Take care.
1: zero accountabillity
2: gaslighting
3: denail
4: blameshifting ( change the role of abuser/victim)
5: the victim mask ( play victim)
6: weaponizing externals, the environment, leverageing
7: Drama, creating chaos
8: Silent treatments
9: baiting
10: bread crumbing
11: Triangulation useing others in a game. Eks compareing their ex sex partner to the victim
12: blatant lies
13: exaggeration
14: minimalization
15: lovebombing: flattery, seduction, flirting, bribes, brainwashing with storytelling
16: mirroring: acting like they are like the victim to make them like them/love them= the soul mate scam
I feel really inexperienced when dealing with manipulative situations. Im glad that in the skit, you mention everything john is doing because it was hard for me to put into words what he was doing wrong, even tho i felt the wrong doing.
I have experience with such people; lots of them. Everything she talks about in this video, including the skit, is incredibly accurate. I would even recommend coming back to this video, should you happen to have such a situation.
I grew up in a toxic, abusive household and after watching this video I have realised that I unconsciously do some of these things. This has given me cause for reflection and self-observation so I can be a better partner and a better person. Very insightful, thank you for this video!
my favorite is when they say YOURE the manipulative one for saying their (completely normal and justified, of course) behavior hurt you in any way, and when they try to pathologize you. how dare you try to manipulate them into feeling bad about hurting you? if you were a good person youd let them do anything they want to you! why do you think your feelings are more important? what are you, a narcissist? (and the discussion was about them not telling you when they cant make it to a 1-1 hang out until 1hour after meeting time because they decided to extend a date to 2 days instead of a couple hours)
NO this is TOO REAL. This is exactly what happened to me for a year and a half, I'm so glad it's over but It's been 4 months and I'm still so hurt and angry! The healing process is taking forever!
I hope its not for ever, im on same way
I'm on my 3rd week and I feel so much anger
ugh got out of a relationship with a manipulative person and it took me so long to realize. i still feel like ruminating on what i potentially did wrong, and worry that im the one distorting. im working now on not doubting my own intentions so much.
What made you realize they manipulated you?
I'm right there with you! We got this.
Good for you, if it's worth any salt; I'd say what you potentially did wrong was think that there was something you could do right, which there wasn't.
@@Joshy2-SF I have to say that I agree!
@@toi4154 the simple facts of the situation, which were that he lied to me consistently. and some smart discerning loved ones in my life who let me know that he was manipulating me from their perspective. i hope you’re okay! i would say its a big warning sign if you have a constant feeling of guilt around them that doesn’t seem to resolve with your attempts at honest and true communication.
If you are in a romantic relationship with someone and they do the majority of these things, RUN! BECAUSE IT WILL NOT CHANGE!
The Actual NARCISSIST is the cat. he/she's having a great time, violating boundaries, getting attention all he/she deserves, demeaning your presence, guilt tripping you into showing love and that.
I mean that crazy 😂❤❤❤
I think it's worth mentioning that sometimes (or should i say mostly) it's not a black and white situation, I have a friend who uses some of those manipulation tactics, but when I confront him his reactions are very mixed, sometimes very self reflecting and apologetic but sometimes aggressive and confrontational. Looks like to me he's trying to become a better person but from time to time stress and frustrations bring his toxic personality back. Makes me think if I'm doing the same thing to someone else.
True, I have a friend to whom I have several times tried to ask for space for myself. He needs to have a daily chat or he feels anxious that someone else is going to come over in my life to take his place which i find absurd, idk if I'm wrong or right here. He needs to know about my whereabouts each time I do something different or even a simple thing. I have tried telling him not to do so which usually leaves a bitter argument, later which he comes apologizing saying he has hurt me etc etc. I say why have arguments like this in the first place where you need countless sorrys to deliver at last? He had big issues and personal prblms in his life where I was there supporting him mentally immensly, so I have done only that much for him. Which in turn makes me feel guilty that he is a good friend. And that I'm the one seeing any prblms. But I have started hating having conversations with him due to his overconcerning questions, always the need to talk whenever I have time, and he says do i not know it's hurting him when I'm hurting internally? His good behaviours puts me in a situation where i don't even know if I'm right to say such things about him. I feel like crying, mentally drained after chattinv with him. He cares for me, supports me too, but i just don't understand why do I not feel good having a chat with him anymore.
My ex was like this. We broke up two months ago. INHERENTLY MANIPULATIVE. Even if they aren’t conscious of it! Doesn’t make them a bad person, but you have become a pawn in their world of insecurity, they are using you to try and make themselves feel better on some level and they don’t deserve your energy like that! Even the sweetest people need time alone to figure this out, I’d steer clear or keep a distance if I’m honest. I know I’m a stranger on the internet lol, but if this is really the vibe of your interactions trust meeee, distance distance distance. You’re only going to feel worse if you keep expecting it to start improving
People can and do change, when they want to and it's a slow and hard process. If your friend is consistent in trying to take accountability even if it sometimes takes them a bit to come around to doing so then it may be worth it to give them grace, ultimately how much grace and patience you extend is a personal choice only you can make.
To me the deciding matter if I believe if someone is sincerely changing is consistency and what happens when they mess up, do they come back sometime later and go "hey, I'm sorry for when I xyz" or do they brush it under the rug after blowing up and shouting you down. If a person is trying to hold themselves accountable I believe they will make the first move in correcting and addressing the behaviors they want to change.
Wait so why even set boundaries with a manipulative person to begin with? Watching this video made me realize I should just save my breath and avoid the manipulative person in my life.
Often it's how you come to realize they are manipulative. Knowing the different ways they try to get around it helps us see it better.
You find out someone is manipulative when the manipulative behavior comes out. Anyone is capable of it.
@@kaedatiger I feel like I can see when someone is being manipulative, my question is what do I do once I realize someone is being manipulative?
@@BHSAHFAD You set your boundaries, once, maybe twice, and after that, you just let them. Let them do what they want, and let them walk out of your life.
@@10_Roads How does this work with a coworker?
jesus u came out with this at the perfect time i got in a fight with my friend and just realized they literally act exactly like this whenever there's a problem thank you
MORE SKITS! That was great!
the skits!! makes it easier to understand and pin point
The skits help to understand how to cut through their BS
Hurts like hell to realise that someone I considered a best friend went through most of the list and ultimately got to tactic 9, making me realise what was going on at last. No wonder I'm doubting my no contact rule right now. Keep what you're doing Ana, you're a great help! ❤
'I want to be treated with basic human respect and dignity'. That is such a good way to put it. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I am so tired of landlords, letting agents, housemates, recruitment consultants, HR, managers, colleagues, demanding to know everything about me... including what I went through as a child. It's what I call 'their dose of child porn'.
why do they need to know about it thou?
Wtf why would they ask?!
How do they even know that you went through something to begin with?
@@soulsearcher7077they probably don't. But do they really have to? Wouldn't it be better if everyone just treated everyone with respect and kindness, instead of just demanding stuff all the time and acting like they knew better? Wouldn't it be better if we all assumed people have their own traumas and therefore we should approach each other a little more carefully and respectfully?
My brother's teasing can be vicious. He's eight years older, and I see a lot of problems he contributed to. Yet he justifies it at every turn. "I'm only teasing, you shouldn't let it bother you, when people tease it's because they care and they won't like you if you get mad about it, you need to learn how to take it. . . "
We live hundreds of miles apart and I very rarely talk to him.
My mother was very manipulative, I couldn’t set boundaries with her yet she would try to tell me how to with other people. It was very ironic. One thing she told me though that has stuck with me and actually did give me some confidence was that it is important to say something whether they accept it or not as they will have it in their mind and be thinking about it. In most cases when they come to their senses they’ll either come back and apologize. If not they learned something about us and so did we. Saying it out loud is better than holding it in. I’ve learned that with my partner, as he often does come around and find reason. I’m glad I never gave up on him as we have grown so much together.
I used to giggle when I was nervous and my mother would always take that as a sign of guilt and gaslight me into thinking I did something wrong
Finally now I'm an adult I've started setting boundaries even though I'm stuck living with her for the time being I can't wait to be on my own
Just moved out after six years in their basement. You can do it!
Oh, and they've accused me of lying when I've chosen not to answer a question. Wtf?
I hate to use the t word, but that skit was so realistic, it was kind of triggering! All of it was so familiar. Thank you. You're doing a great service with your channel.
A few days ago I had to make the call to stop seeing a person with these characteristics. I still think that he isn't a bad person, just doesn't have the skill to self-reflect and I really wish he could go to therapy. I was thinking of sending him this video when in the outro she said "do not try to change a manipulative person" lol. It's sad and it makes me feel powerless how I can't really do much other than removing myself from the dynamic. Yes I'm angry at him but I am also sad. I will still miss him.
same here.
Trying to build something real with a manipulative person is like pouring water in a broken vase, it is useless. I tried to avoid my limits and I kept being disrespected further, it's emotionally consuming and underpaid, they don't realize the damage they are doing, the only things that matter are their wishes and their whims. Run
@@leonor9322 I needed to hear this, thank you
Realizing my ex husband used all of these on me. The worst part is that he used silence to punish me so now when I’m trying to stay no contact I have to reinforce to myself that this silence is a gift to me and not a punishment from him.
Yes, justifying actions often involves avoiding blame, which helps protect a person's self-image or avoid guilt. It can serve as a defense mechanism to reconcile the gap between their actions and values. By deflecting responsibility or rationalizing their behavior, individuals can maintain a sense of integrity or avoid emotional discomfort. Ultimately, this avoidance helps them manage the tension between what they believe they should do and what they actually do. Great video btw, keep it up girly.
I just experienced this and seeing your video was further confirmation that I can state my boundary and impose consequences even while struggling with the gaslighting that I'm the "wrong one". I'm *extremely* proud of myself for stating I'm not looking for who's right or wrong, but communicating a hurt. It's hard to find any solution with which these people are content. If I state a hurt, I get the DARVO that they're hurt for being "punished" by me calling out their actions. If I am willing to compromise that I contributed to the misunderstanding, suddenly I'm "being too nice". There's no "winning" for me (i.e. understanding on both parts) because the other person sees the conversation as needing a winner or loser. It's exhausting and I want no part of it. I am ending the friendship.
This reenactment was super helpful. So much better than those lists that are everywhere online. I really appreciate the reenactment
So real. It still gives me chills when I reflect on the 2 years relationship with a manipulative person. Now I'm well over him, but the chills and fear would not go away.😢 It just bleeds into my life.
The skit was so relatable it's insane.
"John" is doing a great job. He's scarily convincing.
Yeah, really! So much so that I dislike him more for every step even though I know it is a skit.
Ended some friendships and professional relationship this year with some people having these traits, it's been both freeing and challenging. Staying the course
that conversation at the end was really trigerring for me personally, having lived through a relationship of manipulation. it is really well portrayed, so bad many people don’t realize they’re being manipulated until it’s too late
That introduction was way good. Precisely how each video should start, always.
5 seconds in, bam, said and done.
Zero cringe.
You’re the best Ana! Thanks for making these videos
I've discovered through bitter experience that if we are in a relationship with someone who gets angry at us and invalidates our feelings when they hurt us (they flirt with others then tell us we are "too jealous" etc, or they insist on always getting things their way but if we have a preference it's not ever something they give way on) then we are best to get away from them before they totally destroy our lives, which they will do at some point as they DO NOT care about us, they might say they do but they don't
The guy is such a good actor lol so calm indifferent and nonchalant, you almost believed him! 😂
Btw I loved the bloopers
I feel like it would be more helpful to explore how both people can contribute to this dynamic and can be seen as manipulative depending on your perspective. it is so easy to point a finger at the other person and say "they are the manipulator" when in many cases, they may feel similarly about you in the moment. for example, in the skit, I felt it was very shocking to hear ariana say that the guy should be able to discern for himself what he can share about her life and what he cannot. that's essentially expecting someone to read your mind, which is completely unreasonable and a highly narcissistic behavior in and of itself. in most cases, the world is not "good guys/non-manipulators" versus "bad guys/manipulators". everyone falls into these categories at different times and we should be open to reflecting on this fact if we actual want to resolve conflicts in our relationships.
Very well said, I was thinking the same thing.
Haha nice acting skills to you and your partner and shout out to your adorable kitty 🐈
Also, I do think we ALL manipulate each other, we all are imperfect beings and even how people respond is imperfect. However, the key thing is at the end. You set the boundary, if they pass it again, you have to set that with them. That would include moving that person out of your life or priority level. We all want to have the people in our lives do what we want, but what they do is outside of our control.
I agree that we all manipulate from time to time, but some people do it so chronically that I think it’s important to call a spade a spade
Since manipulation is an active and conscious act I doubt that "we all manipulate each other".
Yes a lot of times we even cross boundaries without realizing or do some very unhealthily conditioned behaviors. Not that Im excusing it we should all still strive to do better and be willing to have these civil discussions with the people we care about.
@@brandneu6439 Wrong, every social interaction is mutual manipulation conscious or not. Manipulation isn't a diagnostic criteria where if you're below a threshold you aren't manipulating
@@AnaPsychology Every interaction is mutual manipulation even if unconscious or at the tiniest scale. Manipulation is not like a personality disorder where magnitude or certain levels matter. Person x and person y talk, they both are doing it for a reason which means they are trying to get an outcome or affect something by doing it
Regarding the first point, one should add that there's a difference between a boundary and a request. All of the examples of an “unreasonable boundary” are actually requests. A true boundary is something that doesn't require the other to do anything. You can't set a boundary for someone to treat you with dignity, take care of your child at a specific time or not to sleep with someone else. However, you can set a boundary that you will not have such people in your life and leave them if they violate your boundaries.
Boundaries are for ourselves. If it's not something we can inact by ourselves then it's a request or a rule or a demand. I've had a lot of people try to set boundaries around me, not around what they will do in reaction to my behavior but around my ability to do or say a thing at all. Those weren't boundaries, and while they weren't always requests that were unreasonable or that I would mind complying with that they were presented as boundaries was harmful and it feels bad.
In short I'm saying I agree with you and that when people get the lines wrong it feels bad to be on the receiving end of a "boundary" that is a request even if you think the request is reasonable
So true! My ex girlfriend wanted a poly relationship and used all these tactics to get me to give up my values. Thanks for exposing these behaviors so we can warn others!
The skit was gut-wrenching because when you grew up with behaviours like this, it's hard not to see it as normal and fall into every trap they set. It was also SO HELPFUL to see it played out.
The roleplay with the manipulative person got me really angry and frustrated. Gosh, how was I able to tolerate that bs in the past!!
the thing about them having unreasonable expectations for others really got me. my dad once told me that it was my fault that i couldn't hear the neighbor's slow encroachment (with a small tractor) of our property through six walls of pure concrete and sleeping about 3 basketball courts away from the incident. i was blown away
Protecting my emotional well-being has been described to me as stonewalling.
Not being emotionally available 24/7 makes me anxious avoident.
My problems aren't that bad, comparatively, so I should work harder to make to make him feel more loved.😮💨
This is so much more important that just saying “don’t engage with them,” because that’s not always possible. My mother in law is horrible, but my husband wants her in his son’s life, so we have to try to understand her and learn how to work around her downfalls.
That skit was eye opening and so validating. I realized I have been Ariana and been confronted by Ariana… while never having been John. Now I have something interesting to chew over for the next 5 days
I've been subjected to so many of these, for so very long. Thank you for the video.
Glad to see this. I know someone who always refers to their past or says they didn't mean it when I try to set a boundary but when they say something to me, I often apologise straight away. It's maddening
“There is no limit to what the human mind will do in order to preserve self esteem” My goodness, so true. I see it every day and often find myself distorting perspectives to preserve my ego. Ahhhhh 🤪
I love these examples being acted out in a skit! I’m pretty new but if this is a new element in your vids, please keep doing it! sometimes hearing out a list of descriptions isn’t enough for me to really feel sure if something is applicable, so the fact that you guys acted it out was so helpful
Brilliant. Excellent advice delivered with exemplary clarity and zero waffle - the best video out of many I've seen on this topic. And that's not even factoring in the cat.
This is why when I set a boundary wall, I place booby traps and land mines in front of it, so if they try to push my boundary they get dealt with
Smart
14:02 Oh my gosh I can actually hear the cat purring XD
The "worst person in the world" things always gets me. I feel like a lot of the manipulation tactics are kind of overextensions and lack of corrections for pretty natural reactions to shame, etc. But this is just clown shoes! I feel like maybe the right thing to do is just go total over the top shaming the person for saying that like "really, just the verbatim over-the-top manipulator trope?!" And just make fun of them forever for it. Okay, I know that would actually totally not help, but it is a thing that when I hear someone say it, I pretty much immediately decide they're not someone I can trust to be vulnerable in any way with or take seriously. It's just... what is that! It's like a caricature of a manipulator but I've heard it verbatim so many times!
Just found your channel today and I‘m already a fan! Your cat is just the icing on the cake
Nice job with the acting, I like to see more of this skit and also the roleplay is spot on. The cat want to be part of the skit too, so cute.
An ex girlfriend and I used to meet up and act out skits in public (no camera for fun) one I wish we did was the most toxic couple ever that only used manipulative devises. That would have been a bit fun
@@doyoueatrocks do you have audience or is someone trying to interrupt the conversation?
This video has honestly opened my eyes to a big undertaking that I've pretty much been putting off for years. Looking in from the outside, so to speak, has helped me realize that I really need to face the music about the way I've acted out in my time of crisis to otherwise well-meaning people. I guess the one thing I have yet to come to terms with is if they're gonna be willing to accept my efforts to take accountability in the first place, and how I'm gonna resolve my entitlement to their grace if thats the case. I know I don't deserve it, I just don't know if I have the capacity to deal with that being proven to me.
Thank you so much, Ana! Everything you said and the skit were so in line with what happened to me and my family member a few weeks back. I constantly questioned whether I had done the right thing and the feeling of guilt was awful. I don't normally comment on videos, but seeing it laid out like this was so helpful and reassuring! Thank you again!
@ 3:00 mins… oh god too accurate. an ex friend of mine was severely manipulative and when confronted, openly admitted to being manipulative and would dismiss themseves from any conversation of criticism by admitting this- “we can’t talk about this because i can’t take criticism”. they’d rather openly admit it than change their behavior
This was gold ❤
The roll play example is very good
Seeing the skit, I realize my situation might be far worse. my partner won’t ever even engage in a conversation about his behavior for that long. He will deny it and then immediately get angry and I’ll usually just drop it. But at least you gave me some better defenses!
I just had a situation with my ex play out almost just like that. Thank you for explaining it. I feel less crazy now.
Okay, the skit is great, but I feel like Ariana petting the car on John's shoulder undermines her assertiveness. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, resist the urge to pet the cat 😂
Haha PLEASE DO NOT THE CAT
😂😂😂😂LMAOOOO
Had a big argument like 3 days ago that fits this whole video. I think I can calm down now. Bastard did all this nonsense then stonewalled to avoid the original boundary
I’m autistic and have a hard time reading the room
When someone sets a boundary I get extremely anxious and fold like a lawn chair, it’s extremely embarrassing when I unintentionally make someone upset 😂😂
Workin on it
Well the emoji itself makes this feel tone deaf but i can understand. I do hope you work on it.
@@Yo-zy9yz people use humor to diffuse uncomfortable emotions allot, as do I in this case,
I am not in control of my feelings but I can control my behaviour
@@asmrmetalman1061 Understandable
i am also autistic and the best advice i have for not falling into the pitfall of self-victimization is to ask for the behavior that upset someone to be clearly explained in simple terms and then to confirm that you will try not to do it again in the future. i don't like to apologize unless i know what i did was wrong because in the past i was abused by my caregivers and made to apologize when i wasn't in the wrong. if a person can explain clearly why what i did upset them and i can understand how my behavior upset them then i can make an informed apology instead of an empty one that is only intended to placate. the other part of this is that sometimes asking for an explanation might set someone off. they make take it as an attack that you can't read their mind and discern what you did that upset them. the only thing i can say at that point is let them cool off and try again, or know when to walk away. i'm done trying to play mind reader. people need to communicate openly and honestly with each other, autistic or not. it's infuriating that they don't.
WHENEVER you find yourself having an argument with a manipulative person, always stick to the boundary you set and call them out on being a manipulative person whenever the narrative allows. Keeps your head in the game so that at the end of the conversation you realise that it was most likely all for nothing and everything they said came from their deep hatred towards themselves, be wary of toxic people.
I was ready to throw hands with John by the end 😂
Oh no, I tripped up in the roleplay scenario when it came to EMPATHIZING with him ☹️
This is a very important video.
Thank you!
your acting partner did such a good job! (you too). Thank you for this. I never thought how helpful it would be to see this "played out" like that. Thank you for your content!
12:27 You can think how you think, but are accountable for how you try to influence others with it.
The outtakes were great. I’ve clicked on this video because I was subconsciously looking for something to be called out on, only to realize what kind of behavior you’re talking about. It was the several years of narcissistic abuse sitting on my shoulders and whispering into my ear. I’m glad I know better now than I did back then. The solution was changing my behavior (aka no longer allowing them to treat me like a toy and a doormat) and not that of the other person because that was outside of what I could control.
As a psychologist, I love your youtube channel content, thanks for your work Dr. Ana
My mother, exactly.
Clocked "is that how little you think of me?" This never worked on me. They can say it all they want it doesn't mean anything.
"Yes"
Omg, that example is the exact way conflict went with both my ex bestie and brother. It's nice to know they were manipulating me because I often doubt myself about it as they did try and flip it on me.
urgh.. all my ex's did all of these things.. but every time i tried to leave they would be extremely loving to me to keep me hooked then they'd get abusive again once i was back
John is a 100% representation od"friend" i used to have for years. Good thing i live now several hundred kilometers away from him.
This was all great. The Bloopers were hilarious! Thank you.
HAVE GREAT DAYS 🍁 ✨️ 🍁
Thank You Anastasia 🏆
💚...🙂
This lady is spot on!
That enactment was so much fun!!!!
Awww... kitty! This was really interesting and good!
great video... super insightful and the sprinkling in of humour and kitties is perfect.
my abusive ex broke the few boundaries i tried to set at least a lot. I have two specific examples in mind
when i told her i wasnt comfortable with her cuddling other girls she got mad at me, gave me an ultimatum, and acted like i was just too jealous
the other time i told her, long after we broke up, that i wasnt comfortable with her venting about her girlfriend to me. She did, and she used the excuse that "i made it seem like it was ok to".
For context, she said she was sad, i asked her if it was because of her girlfriend, and she immediately used it as a prompt to go rant for 2 hours, and even when i tried getting her to stop she told me something along the lines of "i'm in pain, why are you even worried that this might hurt you in comparison"
My mom does that. Made me really question reality after a while (probably doesn't help that I'm autistic). But now I've built a robot that watches, listens, transcribes and indexes. Microsoft calls it recall. I call it The Captain
I'm so thankful I found your channel. Thank you so much for all of the wonderful content.
you rock, im going to play this at work all day.
All of these are points are CLASSIC tactics in almost every parents’ playbook.
The cat: "what's my line?"
Came for insights, stayed for the cat
Wow.. This video made me realize how often this was happening to me. I really hope to get away from this someday.
It is good to reserve the term boundary for things one can control. The skit shows making a request. Disclosing a boundary would be: John, I want to protect my family. When you shared ... I felt hurt and betrayed. If I can't trust you with things I've told you in confidence, I'll need to stop telling you them. (The boundary is to not share the intimate details with John if he proves untrustworthy. Then Ariana can make a request.) I want to keep telling you things and to have that intimacy in our relationship. So, please don't reveal things I said in confidence in the future.
For some people, this would all implicit in the request. However, for me, spelling it out makes it clearer.
this format really suits me
This video came out at the exact timing. I just had a to put a boundary last night, and it was not the first time. And at the end of discussion I was having doubts about myself. But I identified all the manipulation tactics except for the anger one. The discussion went very similar to your example. Almost too similar! Even though the boundary was different. Thank you for this video. It is really helpful.
In my most recent roommate situation, they essentially OUTRIGHT tried to punish me TT; It was a doozy, but I'm scrappy as all get!