What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 ม.ค. 2023
- There is a stage in human development where narcissism is healthy. The problem is that many children get trapped in it due to poor parenting, and thus narcissists are created.
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It's a generational curse.
Generational iniquity.
Amen
It’s Generational Trauma.
Yes
Amen!!!!
As a victim of a narcissistic family allow me to give you all my hard learned advice- Get those bad manipulative jealous hateful people you know out of your life permanently. They will steal your peace of mind, your money, your husband or wife, your reputation, and your life. Protect yourself at all times from the narcissists and keep love and happiness in your life !!!
So true! I dated a scapegoat from a narcissistic family once, never ever again.
He was so entrenched inside their toxic family dynamic he couldn't see it, but I could. It was the worst relationship I've ever been in. Scapegoats are sadly and unfortunately just as bad to date as the narcissist because they are still part of the whole dynamic and game.
@@juliamcloughlin1441untill they see like me... got tf out when i was 16. Went living on my own. Best thing i could have done to save my soul. Narcissists dont want you to have one.
What if you're conditioned to only finding those people in every single facet of their lives .. friends, jobs..lovers? 🤔☠️
Very very true I've suffered all this it's the 7th month healing and fighting for custody my mother in law stole my 7months boy I've not see him 4months I'm fighting in court
Agreed. I had to learn that the hard way when I was friends with one of the only females that I ever called my best friend. See, I'm a female whose best friends are all guys, mainly because guys are easier to befriend for me. We were both mentally unstable and we once had a competition to see who weighed less. She was older than me and taller so she weighed more. I was telling her best friend that I didn't think she would weigh less than me because I was already an unhealthy weight. Truth is, I didn't want her to get to an unhealthy weight like I was because what good friend would want that for them? Not me. She apparently heard about this and the next day, we were leaving the JROTC room after lunch and she started gaslighting me, disrespecting my beliefs, saying they weren't real even though they are to me, acting like they never knew anything about what I've been telling her about for months. I left her devastated. That was the first time. I had never been manipulated like that by someone I care about so deeply. Then a few months later, the boy that I liked, her and I went to the park. This was the first time I had ever hung out with someone outside of school grounds. She was on her phone the entire time, and even though I was asking her to ask her mom to take me to the bus stop because I had no way to go home and I didn't tell my mom where I was, she just up and left while the boy and I were alone underneath the Pavilion. Luckily, he bought an Uber for me and I was able to get home safely. He didn't want anyone to know what happened between us, and out of respect, I listened though it was hard to do. I was going to tell my girl best friend about it though because it was a good day and I wanted just one or two people to know at most. Before I did, I tested her to see if it was safe to tell her. She failed my test by pushing forward instead of reminding me that it was a secret that probably should be kept. She then gaslighted and destroyed my mental health AGAIN which ultimately lead me to lashing out at the boy I liked who had also been blackmailed and it pretty much ruined my relationship with him for a few months. I immediately cut her off after that because even I, as naive as I was last year in 11th grade, even I had standards on how I deserve to be treated. Never again. She is my biggest blame for the sudden but excessive downfall of the relationship I had with someone who also held me close. Look at the immediate signs of gaslighting. If they destroy you mentally, even if only for a short time, block them, cut them off. They DON'T deserve to be in your life. Have a good day
My mother is a narcissist. She raised 3 kids and none of us are narcissists. We all have issues with our self esteem though. Anxiety and mild depression. If they don’t create a narcissist then they damage their children in other ways.
Yes my foster mom was a narc and she was spoiled as a child so when she adopted us she made us feel weak. When something made us happy she would take it away. It was always her her her her
Yup, I'm not a narc but I'm not great. I'm super messed up. I have to manage what they did to me and I'm not done being mad yet.
@@Jamesarlene1 i am so sorry; praying for you, James. i care
We could be sisters
😢
I Totally agree.
Ex is a narc. 26 years of bs. It took over a year to get the kinks out. My self-esteem was at an extremely low level! Divorced 5 years. I have never felt so free!
Attacking nonstop someone's self esteem for sure will lead to low self esteem. They through rocks to your self esteem in every inhale-exhale how would you be different. Glad you broke free from that demon we call narcissists
How anyone can say they were a perfect parent is beyond me.
No parent says that
Oh trust me I have heard that one before from my dad hahaha. Narc!
Narcissists love the word perfect
They mean to say.. Wht ever is in their capacity capability they did.. If really they tried to work so hard, as parenting is like drowning oneself..but stil no one says I am perfect 😅✌️
Very true
true. plus neglect!!! a lot of times neglected kids end up being narcissists.
Someone has to take care of them, so they do it themselves through survival using narcissism, just like a drug addict uses a drug.
My "Gifted" son in law. Narcissist is a relatively new label we never thought to put on the 1 person in my life that we knew was off. But as a newborn she kicked herself off a bed. I think she got brain damage. Dr Anthony Amen says it can come from head injury. Then a brother in law. Still no name for it. Now that I've seen yt videos and my daughter is into a 9 year marriage the pattern is really coming in clear. With 2 children he has chosen to spoil from what I see, I'm very concerned. He even uses them against my daughter. He was given to his mother who from what we hear had some mental illness.. He said he chose to go with her at 6 because he felt bad for her. The 2 older ones chose the Dad. He said the Dad said later that he wasn't his. I think he was mad about him not choosing him. The children would choose him if they ever were given the choice. But she is a wonderful mother. It would be a great danger for him to have them.
So where is the help for the best outcome in these cases?
Dont agree.Neglected children ..hang on to be loved by abusers.
Yep, cause they aren't able to grow out of the natural narcissism that every child has. They don't have a healthy process and they are stuck there emotionally on some levels.
or they run into Jesus' arms.
Definitely! Non narcissistic parents can raise narcissistic children too, but it's usually by accident. Over compensating for the struggles they endured can produce narcissistic children.
That's not intirely true, ask Dr Romani
Nop! 2 became narcissists out of 6 kids, and they have the same parents. It is called personal traits. They are born that way!
Questionable..
I agree.
It's a common misconception that narcissism comes from over 11, over giving, even permissive parents. By the way just to clarify gentle parenting and permissive parenting are definitely not the same thing.
I came to this conclusion myself as well but my therapist confirmed this also, that narcissism is one of the many responses to Childhood trauma. Narcissist tend to make narcissists, because either you become a co-dependent person who tries to do anything and everything to people please, or you try to resist the manipulation you grew up with by unconsciously becoming manipulative person yourself. When the brain is not introduced to any other coping strategy in terms of manipulation and abused, it will choose either submission or dominance, which dominance typically means becoming a narcissist themselves
Again, not just did I come to this conclusion but my therapist confirm this
If my devouring mother heard this she'd swear on my life that shes not like that then 'look up the river', metaphorically, to catch the best light & cast a shadow on me. I've survived her.
I agree. When the favourite child is being protected and rewarded even though he did harm to the other child. A mother who always no matter what, only takes the side of the same child who grows up to think he is better than the other, more important, more loved, and therefor entitled to treat his sister or other women disrespectfully exactly the way he wants, show no empathy because he always is right to do whatever, even physical violence. Thats how to create a narcissist right there. My mother still blames me for my bad relationship to my brother, because it is just easier to blame that same kid for everything. I unfortunately am intelligent and see right through all the manipulation and gaslighting since a very young age, before these terms even had a word
my mother did the exaxt same thing. Poor Ricki got a brother and sister, shot out of the saddle. Well, I, not my younger brother asked to be born. So no dam wonder the older bro treats me like dirt under his feet now at 67 and I'm 62.
I feel as if you just described my mother and relationship with my siblings
Golden children aren’t always men . It is my sister in my family .
Exactly
This sounds a lot like my mom with my brother and mebeing the lesser child
Two extremes, spoil the child can = a future Narcissist, be to harsh on a child,can equal = a future Narcissist 😈
Most narcissistic people have been starved of childhood love for generations
💜💜💜 There is a narcissistic leader in the family and you must adhere to them, their wants, their needs, and wishes if you don’t, you’re then cast out!
this guy will mock you is disagree with his belief. He needs to work on self-awareness and lose his grandiose behaviors.
so be it.
My mom constantly said "well look at your sisters; its obviously you who's the problem."
I'm sure that must have hurt you deeply. I saw some traits like that in my own mother but she also knew Christ and I saw beauty in my mother!
Omg yes! My mom has said to me and several other people “clearly Mae is the problem not me, because look how successful my other two children are” meanwhile her other two children have no backbones or integrity. 😂
Ugh I hated when my mom would compare me to my cousins
"You always have a problem."
"You are always creating a problem."
"You ask too much, talk too much, too sensitive."
I think it's a compliment to your character when questionable people don't like you.
My ex was a complete narcissist. So was his mother. Nature AND nurture in his case.
nature over nurture you meant?
@jackiepowell7513
Nature vs nurture
Pathological Narcissism is not genetic, but it can be passed on via Generational Trauma.
Ditto
Having said that my mom is a Narc and I am the opposite.
I think it’s also inherited. We have narcissists throughout our family, but my dad separated from them before we were born, and only had sporadic interactions within our lives. He is very much not a narcissist, and my mother is also very much not a narcissist, and I don’t believe I am either, but my sister is. She does have trauma, but she wasn’t raised by narcissists, and we didn’t have a close relationship with our narcissistic part of the family, so I believe it can be inherited.
My mom & son I fed into their crazy thinking I can't see their gas lighting & lies I'm too trusting hard for me to call them out
It's not inherited. However, the family behavior patterns of one generation can be passed on to succeeding generations. The grandchildren will grow up behaving in certain ways and not know where the behaviors come from. This was noted in studies of families in which alcholism was a factor. Often there would be a couple of generations with no alcholics; but there'd be behaviors among some of them which were hallmarks of having an alcoholic in the family. It was only when research and questioning of older living relatives was done that the one who began the behavior patterns could be discovered.
Personality disorders can't be inherented, mood disorder can be because their chemical imbalances but a personality disorder has to develop as the child's identity or lack there of is trying to form. It may look hereditary but that's only because the parents keep repeating the same patterns of narcissistic treatment onto the next child thus them developing that disorder. It can be stopped but someone in the genetic line needs to stop feeding into being a forever victim and in turn take charge and accountability of their life and change their ways.
Your sister may have tendencies due to trauma. Trauma comes with its dark side and toxic behaviors are one of them. Like the inability to see these in oneself.
It's more likely a combination.. traits can be inherited and culture (nature vs nurture) is definitely involved ..
Self-awareness is a God-given gift that we should never take for granted, and actually, we need to thank God for it.
I was a single mom who fell into a narcissist trap. When the rose colored glasses came off, I took my kids and Ran. I'm doing my best. But I'll admit I screw up sometimes
Recognizing imperfection as a human being and taking accountability is exactly what narcissists cannot do.
Narcissists can spot a target a mile away. Good for you for seeing it and getting away! ❤
I wish i was as strong as u im tuck in this cycle and thy dont change its like living wirh an enemy.❤im so proud of u u inspire me ❤u r amazing mother just by takingur kids n leaving ❤
@@LucianaRobledo-oz4gz I was stuck for 11 years. It’s the hardest battle ever experienced. Now finally I am courageous, confident and free, but yes sometimes I still have moments but I kept it to myself. I learn how to break free from trauma bond. It will take time, but one day, you’ll break free. Hang in there and do your best.
I was in a narcissistic relationship as well! It's hard to be in one! And even harder to leave! And they will continue to abuse and terrorise you even when you leave!
My ex was definitely created by his mother, she was a toxic demon who raised a damaged unloved child. Pretty sad to be honest.
Ive always been petrified about this kind of stuff and a psychopath can be created in younger development through traumatic damage. I made sure to try my best by my son, I'm certainly not perfect and can only hope that ive done the right things by him to help him be a kind and compassionate member of society.
All I can say is that there is a special place reserved for these wicked people that knowingly cause harm to others and stand firm in doing so. It’s sickening.
Narcissism also is now known to have a genetic component. It runs in our family. We can pick them out in several generations.
Exactly. I think the genetic part is much bigger than people realize. How often do you see one sibling with narcissistic traits, but the others do not? Very often! They had the same upbringing and similar challenges in the first years of their lives, yet they turned out very differently. DNA...
It's comes from Trauma through child abuse - shame, neglect and abandonment. Narcissistic parents definitely raise their children to become Narcissists, because they are learning Narcissism through the parents role modeling or lack of it. Abandonment through different forms of abuse - neglect . . . or overindulgence (a sense of entitlement) which sets them up to be Very Hurt and to Hurt other people all over the place. It's a Mess.
abandonment or over indulgence
@@macshaw9426 - Very true. 👍👍
I agree 👍 💯 %
Overindulgence for sure
Just watch Mister Rodgers Neighborhood so you can learn to mirror your child's emotions and learn that the world of make believe is different than the world of reality. Fred Rodgers was a SAINT.
It's caused by an insane level of weakness with the complete refusal to ever take self responsibility. They must never take self responsibility at all costs.
You should not conclude that a narcicist is weak. Most have been through a high level of truama that they did not ask for.
@@lossedatsea1811 That is such a weak narcissist comment. Jeez man. Everyone goes through shit, and narcissists never go through the worse end of things. It's just a matter of fact. They are weak. That's kinda how the their personality makeup is. You can't be a narcissist and not be weak. It's like being a Schizo without any delusions
@mercuryfillings8576 yes, I understand that they are weak but many have them have had their self esteem crushed by someone else. I understand how toxic they are. However, it's a disorder which means that their tendencies are natural tendencies to them just like any other mental health disorder.
@@mercuryfillings8576yes they weak but that is how they are so to Change IS probably a Lot Harder for them
Change is hard for everybody, everybody has to learn to grow, so everyone changes. Everyone has struggles and everyone has traumas ... Never EVER try to sympathize with a narc that is DANGEROUS rule #1. It's their problem to figure out and that's it! They literally kill people because they make people so sick due to their being so malicious and vindictive. I was tricked into a relationship with who I believe is a narc and the only traumas he had was he had been bullied growing up. All the same shit we all experience growing up. I came into it with real abuse and trauma caused by parents...my step father passed shortly before which made me and mother's relationship drift because she focused on her new relationship with my step dad's close friend. I lost a few family members through our relationship as well...my husband has never even had to grieve one. He held all those things against me and made me feel no one would ever love me like he would (which was the worst because he didn't express love at all, would call me a ball and chain and isolate me even though i moved across the country to be with him). When I finally started realizing the treatment wasn't right I was already in fight or flight mode and started seeing the effects on my mental and physical health. It doesn't matter what u do to help they will sabotage and create a reason to sabotage them leave it to u to fix it. They suck the life out of you and leave you high and dry and they blame all their behavior on their feeling that no one likes them and they're bullied and they never let it go and the scapegoat is the one that catches all his shit balls so he can feel better because they can't emotionally regulate. If you leave and think you reconciled they will then throw in your face that you have abandoned them even if it's their behavior that caused it they won't acknowledge that part even if they were literally killing you mentally/physically. If u know a narc is a narc then just leave it at that! Don't help, don't sympathize don't ANYTHING they will destroy you you let them tear their own lives apart until they're so sick that they do something about it!
The thing is, no parents are perfect. No matter how amazing and kind and caring they are. Raising good humans is the hardest job a person can have. Even if we are constantly trying to do our best, we still mess up along the way, and that’s okay. But part of the human experience is behind honest about our mistakes and accepting that we can learn from our own behavior. To say you raised your kids perfectly is to say you never made any mistakes, and that simply isn’t possible.
There is line between mistakes and straight up evil. We are not talking about kind, caring people here.
I believe that basic personality is inherited. It is genetic just like hair color. I was visiting my uncle. He was telling a story and I couldnt hear what he was saying because his gestures, expressions, everything was exactly like my brother. It was like seeing a ghost. It took me years to figure out that my husband's behaviors were narcissistic. I realized I was married to his mother. Her behavior was horrible. Then I saw the exact same traits in my husband. It was not until I recognized he cant help what his genetics are any more than I can help or change the basic personality traits that I struggle with in myself. I suffered years of abuse from them both. Never physical, but controlling bullying.
Usually the golden child is the narcissist mirrored the narc parent. Becoming the favorite. Ends up a narcissist. The scapegoat child usually has the most empathy or ends up broken down into BPD Borderline personality disorder.
😂 NO.
Yes this is accurate, there's always the golden child and the scapegoat
Saw that in a family. Took me awhile to know it was hopeless.
I seem attracted to them. Ugh!!!
Yes. Very true my sister the narc golden child me the scapegoat I’m done clocking out of that play
Don’t any of you find it a little disconcerting that you seem to categorize people? Human behavior is not all black and white, nor simple.
I grew up with 2 narcissists in my family of 4. Parents and one sibling. The '2' have not changed at all. It's always about them, the control, the manipulation, they are never in the wrong and of course it's everyone else's fault.
I hear you linz. They do not change & they are massively destructive. We keep our distance.
I’ve known my ex-wife for the last 28 years. Never once have I gotten a sincere apology for anything meaningful. I’m blessed that she is my ex. I’ve worked hard in my own recovery and hoping that it impacts my kids in positive ways.
Narcissism also has a high genetic component. This also means it comes from the parents, but not the parenting per se
No because it’s a personality disorder meaning it was created by an outside environment.
It has zero genetic component. I have actual degrees in this area. Narcissists, like sociopaths are created... not born. Please quit spreading misinformation
Not yet proven, but I believe it strongly.
I honestly think it's a survival mechanism. Definitely from childhood
Fully agree.
But there is one more thing.
The child doesn't know where it is.
If the child is alone with one parent, this parent is the lord of life and death to him/her.
It's extremely easy for a child left alone with one parent to be molded as parent wishes and turned into a weapon against the others or forced to satisfy parent needs.
I've not become a narcissist only because I had the opportunity to be left alone and meet with neighbors in a small village.
My sisters were sentenced to being constantly with my abusive mothers.
They had no luck and now they are abusive exactly the same way my mother was.
What is mind boggling for me is they are totally blind to what they are doing. Amazing
It is what they know. Theres no ther way to be. Dont give them the benefit of doubt. They will prove everytime that uou were right about them.
Lots of families have adult children with narcissistic personality disorder and don't claim the have done everything perfectly. It takes a village to raise a child and society has and is contributing to this disorder being more in society than ever before
In India most families use to be joint with tons of people living in a single home. Even if a village is raising a child. They are all dysfunctional. A cult of narcissists.
Society doesn't program a child's nervous system from birth to 2 years old. It's ONLY parental attachment that does that. A child doen't bond to the world at large or society at large until they are much older.
@@jnl3564 absolutely but it's far too complex to blame parents
Parents are the child’s entire world providing a child’s environment, nutrition, education, blah blah blah
& emotional growth, right?
Including, the child’s other parent, too 😂
@@Reneemfenn You're very immature and uneducated in your reply. Live, gain life experiences, grow, mature and then comment. Best of luck out there 😉
Absolutely Kenny! I have a narc mom and narc sister . Like one of the same when it comes to the toxicity. My mom definitely created the narc in my sister . My sister would run the house, tell my dad when to go to bed, demand people sat in other rooms. Raged her way around the house while my mom demanded we all walk on eggshell to appease her , the same eggshells l had to walk on for 50 years with her because she is narcissistic. I used to be jealous of my sisters power. I now see she’s one screwed up Individual, just like my mom.
I agree with you 100%. My narcissist wife has been gone for a year and a month, and I don't miss any of the shenanigans she put all of us through. She was "sooo perfect" that absolutely no one could stand to be around her. Not even her own family.
I do enjoy all of your videos, Sir!
Parents: Red alert! an over focused parenting on rewarding the child for doing things that you want him to do is manipulation and can cause narcissism. Focus in giving your child an example to follow until he is 12 years old.
Hear hear.
Thank you. Looking for all good advice. We make mistakes because we don't know. What about after 12
Narc parents are pure hell.And then marriing a narc husband was from one hell in another.
Non contact and divorce saved my life
We're there children? That's complicated. My son in law who's one, has decided spoiling the children is the the way to go. He is raising them to choose him if she ends it
Same here. Married into a family of deep narcs. Huge mistake and I keep paying for that mistake after all these years...
We have a seriously toxic narc in my family. Some know most don't.
She has destroyed people because of her fear of having to take ownership of her horrible behaviors.
I voluntarily went to the children's home with bruises all over my body and yet my mother managed to convince everyone that I was the bad child and that she had done everything right 😅 You're absolutely right. Narcissists are good at manipulating and twisting facts.
It's totally correct! Narcissistic parents set the example for the children to follow.
I can tell you, I raised a narcissist... spoiled rotten,lack of boundaries etc. I was scared of her hating me. Didn't want to be like my mother tried to heal my wounds threw her. Damaged kid having a kid. I know all the areas where I went wrong. You have to deal with the consequences. She does too. Unfortunate cycle of toxic family cycles which I wish I would have learned 18 years ago... but learning now...
Very well said
You said it for me too. I’ve apologized to them, I’ve asked God to forgive me Its nothing else I can do. I just had to let go and truly hope for the best..
Thank you for admitting to this. I hope you all get the healing you all need from this and the cycle gets broken.
Thank you for putting this out there. I'm dealing w it now and hoping I can turn it around before it's too late😢
My mom did this too. She was very permissive with two of my siblings. They had more dominant personalities. She was afraid of them and their anger and she let them have control of things that belonged to her.
It’s very sad. My dad was different. He brought some balance which is why some us didn’t become narcissist but we did struggle with people-pleasing.
It’s hard. Fear sometimes drives us to do things that aren’t in the best interests of ourselves and other.
Prayers for your healing journey. I know it’s painful. There’s guilt and regret when you can’t change the damage that’s been done but you’re trying to change and that is valuable.
Definitely made mistakes as a parent and EVERY parent will make a mistake. It’s owning it,wanting to do better and doing better that’s the difference! It’s impossible to be perfect.
Family of origin caused lots of damage to my kids as I worked as a single mother...for me it was environmental within my family and the trauma of kids in school and the neighborhood.
I focused so hard on working and keeping a roof over my kids...I was blind to everything I wish it didn't take me years to wake up!!
That's the beauty of life for a narcissist. They can't acknowledge anything less than their own perfection. It's obviously NOT perfect to most of the people who know them, but their own lense is calibrated to reflect their image back to themselves as perfect.
That's the terrible thing in all this! They will never assume any responsibility. The "victim" remains forever with a sense of injustice. The narcissistic person is alienated from themselves to the point that they can't make any small analysis on them. Is perpetual.
I KNEW IT. I’m a recovering narcissist myself and I looked back on some journal thoughts I wrote down in 2018 and I was surprised to se me ask myself “what caused you to act this way and treat people so poorly?” And I wrote, “My mom” …I didn’t BLAME her for MY actions, I identified the SOURCE of my own feelings of inadequacy and of my victimized view of the world around me.
You probably just had narcissist tendencies. People with NPD are just built different. They don't change. They are cold blooded predators
Excellent advice I have actually learnt so from you?
Thanks you so much
Genuine question, what do you think caused the narcissistic traits in your case?
I've seen those responses lol it's absolutely insane and maddening how narcissists can be absolutely blind to their own narcissism
My ex-husband, a covert narcissist, and I split when my son was 11. I want to believe that is why my son never developed covert narcissism himself. I got him out of that environment.
I spit my water out when someone said " my son blames me for everything. He's a narcissist" 😂😂😂😂
Hopefully the apple was far enough from the tree that you didn’t spit on him
All his own ways are right in the eyes of a fool
My mother was born with a red birthmark on her face. My grandmother overcompensated to make her feel valued, and it definitely backfired, and turned her into an absolute narcissist.
Both sides of my family are narcissistic, one from privilege and the other from not having privilege historically, preserving and creating privilege and access…I’m one of few in my family who see this and I have been stunned for it ❤
7 kids. Same parents, same upbringing. Six are down to earth and one is a narcissist. Okay, go ahead and explain that one.
Birth order🤣
Kids don’t all respond, process, and develop mental defense mechanisms to trauma the same way, even among siblings.
I bet the narcissist was not the firstborn.
A narcissist does not treat every child the same and focuses on the weak
Even though you all had the same parents you were all treated differently whether that is instantly obvious or not I'd know I have 4 sisters and one is a narcissist
It is not just parenting.
Oh yes it is. Pathological Narcissism is not genetic.
It is parenting. End of story. It's learned behaviour from someone's parents.
A lot of it is because a person chooses to make others miserable instead of owning their stuff. Some of us suffer and grow others refuse to take responsibility. Others, including parents enable them one day at a time.
There is a study that show the brain of a narcissistic is different
I agree it is the parenting. On a very visceral level it is. Definitely. Especially in America where most parents keep their babies in cribs, bucket car seats, strollers, jumpers, and on the floor. If the child cries because wants to be held most people think they're a bad baby or spoiled. The baby is wonderful and praised if they are 'sleeping through the night'.
It is emotionally damaging for baby in his or her first year of life to 'cry it out' because they know when they cry they will not get their basic need for touch and closeness met.
Western civilization has a value called independence and forces these babies to be as independent before they are ready. I think things are changing. I see more and more mothers 'baby-wearing' with a wrap or baby backpack- keeping their babies close to their body and heart.
This is what is needed.
They literally think they did everything they could yet were very neglectful during the developmental years. I was very sheltered & i was only able to branch out into the world more on my own or with the help of other people. And sometimes i had to learn how toxic the world can be. I learned the hard way because my family fed me a story that everything will go my way if i work hard for it. Sometimes things don’t always go our way. Dark things can happen to us in this world no matter how good we are. It’s okay to be a little bad sometimes
Right! When he said narcissism is created by parenting I was like how? So I know to avoid doing it with my kids.
That's my parents!! 😱 It took me yrs to figure that out. Narcissistic was always kept under wrap. Never was talked about.
Most of us just thought a narcissist was just someone who was kind of conceited, a person who is too besotted with self-admiration to actually love someone else more than themselves...maybe.. It was a descriptive word then,k not a Diagnosis. And a rarely used word, at that.
Of course there was the Greek myth about Narcissus and Echo, and the pretty flowers I force in stones and water around Christmas time to remind myself that the world WILL bloom again, by that name, Narcissus. Although in recent years I haven't even thought about the word then, because for some reason, the bulbs I used to buy, called Narcissus, are often called Paper Whites. I don't know why.
But the word was rarely used in my circles.
That's on reason why we are often still so clueless when starting a new relationship, and get sucked in by The Narcissist by the truck load. It's more nuanced and complex than that in reality, of course, but we know that.
The thing that's pretty amazing, which really tripped me up and delayed my getting a word for and understanding about what had just hijacked my life for nearly 20 years and convinced me that that painful, debilitating, all consuming, soul-sucking treatment, obsession, disease, was love is this:
I graduated from my master's program, to become a Therapist, in 2005. We learned the DSM by heart! Cover to Cover... Byheart. And we role-played being client and therapist, demonstrating every Disorder and acting out every nuance of the Diagnostic Criteria for 3 years, plus a 2 year professional, supervised Internship. When it came to Narcissism we were told to, "'read it, but just briefly. Don't strain a brain cells there. True Narcissists are so rare, the chances of ever meeting one are slim. The chances if ever being called upon to treat one, none, so... Moving on... ". Literally. I will never forget the words, because they struck me, at that time, from 2002- 2005, in an odd and uncomfortable way. It was like God said, ' Sit up and take Notice. You're gonna need this later. '
But there is some meat in answer about why more therapists and counselors and people in general just don't spot it when we are looking right at it.
Hey Zabra- If your parents were anything like mine, they didn't actually talk about much if anything... Now that I think back in it. Did your parents hear you about itvinc3 you learned?
GOD IS EXPOSING EVERYTHING !
A narcissistic parent will NOT deny that their child is narcissist, because if that parent is narcissist, they do not believe there is such a thing as narcissism. And when the other parent is the victim/empath/compassionate parent (which is typical) who is dealing with a child who is just like the spouse, they will blame themselves for not doing enough.
Not always that there is an empathtic parent.
There could be an other narc or astoic admirer..in my case both
Yep so true....my ex narcissist was taught by his mother that he never did wrong, and he never has consequences for his behavior. That's why I kept forgiving him for to to long, because I knew it was the way he was raised.
My parents thought they were pefect.
My brother is a narcissist. I am a full on doormat. They seriously could not see their own foolishness. My mother was very narcissistic. Probably NPD. My father was her lifelong willing enabler who had his own narcissistic tendencies. My parents only had 2 children but successfully had a broken family. They were totally without a clue. It was a terribly painful experience when I finally came out of the toxic trance. But I I'm glad I finally woke up.
My ex mother in-law is so proud that she put herself through college and worked full time to have a career. She would come home after leaving her 2 boys, alone with their drug addicted that all day, and come home to them still in their crib with soaked diapers, as if they hadn’t been picked up all day. Both boys have major adult issues. My ex was diagnosed with antisocial disorder as a teen.
Unfortunately it only takes one parent. Studies show that Parental Alienation happens when only ONE parent does it. Crazy thing is, my ex started the alienation process immediately, throughout the marriage, not because of a divorce. Nothing worse than watching a father groom his children to be abusive before your very eyes, while society blames your parenting. Your children are merely pawns who become flying monkeys, as you are traumatized by a partner that constantly lies and undermines your relationship, which is such an important bond. My ex was alienated from his father, and he alienated me from my daughters. Until society stops normalising neglect and alienation, the narcs continue to make more narcs.
Thats freedom to see someone talking so lightly about this 😃👍👍👍
Hit the nail on the head. Ex husband and his mother. I'm so glad I'm out of the nightmare. IT IS THE PARENTS FAULT!! I LIVED IT. DONT ALLOW THIS TYPE OF PERSON NEAR YOU!!
There are single moms that are empaths. Did the best they could and ended up with a narcissistic child. It's not always parenting, especially in these days of social media, influence of friends, school, etc.. Every story is different
That’s why you homeschool yourself
And influence from other family members that are narcisstic..robbing them from you ,triangulating ,try to dominate my child and take control,smear me..yes..i did make some wrong choices in my life because i was raised by narcisstic parents ..made me want to go oppposite... i tried to do different ..but parents kept trying to take my influence over my kids away ..smearing me..bad mouthing me to turn my kuds against me..i felt powerless ..no parent perfect ..but not all are narcissts ..some are empaths ..but than the grandparents try to control your kids ..like did yourself!! ..and the cycle continues ..its just a never ending battle ..
I agree.Also recreational drugs have an influence.
😂😂😂😂
It's also something in the brain. Brain scans show narcissists have a different brain. Infact, every mental disorder can be seen on a brain scan which proves there are brain imbalances.
There's a genetic or inherent component which cannot be ignored.
The most simple and profoundly accurate quote I've ever seen said: HURT PEOPLE, HURT PEOPLE.. totally sums up A LOT of what we see in our society today
You're so right and that's my daughter who was hurt by ex narc dad 😢
Yeah some people pretend they're perfect parents and fail. And some people pretend they're a mediocre therapist and still fail.
Absolutely true! Raised by by a narcissistic mother and grew up with four siblings, half of whom are narcs. I ended up having relationship attachment issues.
All the best to you and hope some how you can down narc to eventually have a better life.
My ex-wife made the claim that she was going to raise our sons to respect women. I said first they need to respect themselves. She said that doesn't matter
😂
cant see the world through rose colored glasses. it blinds you to facts
WTF
Well siad!
😍💕💜
My mother is a disordered Narcissist. My grandparents are the best, sweetest, most humble people who worried about my mom having kids. They constantly worried about me, the scape goat. Some people are born disordered narcissists. I’ve seen too many. Besides, even if it was, are we going to blame the parents?? 😅
Blame?
Who the Fxxx gives a shxx about blame?
News flash your wonderful grandparents did the best they could and something went wrong. Possibly by being too nice. The question is not "Who is to blame?" but rather, "How does that work?" ...and yes I am chewing your ass on this one because you actually have an opportunity to explore that second question within your own family and it truly is need to know info. Was it the focus on her feelings? What she coddled? If someone picked on her in school did they ask what she did about it or ignore her?
Nutshell version: I am sure your grandparents are lovely people and wish we could figure out were things went wrong for your mom so it could be avoided in future generations.
Coddling and lack of boundaries is the perfect ground to raise a narcissist
Yeah this is a complete crock hey. Broadstroking every narc w bad parents. Certainly makes it easier from his standpoint lol
Il take Dr. Ramani’s work thanks.
There’s too many situations where you get a family of 6 who are all lovely except one
Same here with my mom and grandparents
Nah, coddling and words like "... est" and "most" explain where the narcissistic parenting comes in
my parents are both narcissists. one more than the other. there were three of us, me and my siblings. It took me 8 years of therapy to stop being a "people pleaser" and to love myself and increase my self-esteem. my brother is a total narcissist. my sister - it's even hard for me to diagnose what's wrong with her. but it has problems and they are visible to the naked eye. and the parents say they did everything right. neither of us started a family. neither of us can love another human being. I'm 43 years old and I can't let anyone into my life.
Genetic is some of it, and agree with your point “I raised my kids perfectly “ is a giveaway. Yet think that could be expanded on
Children are not only raised by parents, they no longer are your children once they get to school they are moulded by others. Then we have society too. I feel for parents raising children in todays climate they in my opinion are fighting a losing battle 😢
Nope, they are legally still your kids.
Parents sometimes set up children to be perpetual victims,,, until they are enlightened. The present school system wants you to back off and give them your kids to mold and use for their agenda. Unfortunately many parents are not fighting for their children.
You get to install values, morals, beliefs, behaviors, understanding of consent and autonomy, and so much more as a parent. At the end of the day when you're tucking your kid in (if not earlier), if you're not discussing their day, their feelings, their experiences and how to process them, you aren't doing your job as a parent.
Home schooled kids become narcissists too.
Blaming other people is what narcissists do.
It's easier to stop the influence of school than it is of peers. Even though my son feel into this weird rap crap and terrible slang, at least he knows right from wrong, good from bad and resists bad/false teachings from school.
❤
Would love to hear you elobrate on the parenting style .
My wife is narcissistic. Beware. She's a monster. Run. Just run...never ends and gets worse with age...EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER. A cheater and a liar and nothing is ever her fault. She makes my life a living hell. They will never change. I am leaving her and I cannot wait to be free. Warning. Avoid this kind of horrible person.
My dad usto gaslight
I only at age,37 learned what it meant
It was such a big relief I carried that shame on me for years
I'm sure narcissistic parent can train their child to be selfish but narcissism is caused by demons coming to live inside a person. The demon promises protection and power to that person and they love darkness more than light because their deeds are evil
That was deep!
I'm scared, "It's Time!"
My friend's dad made him take ballet lessons in an all female old lady class, when he was ten, because he was determined his son would be a quarterback. I remember hearing bout that time, big tough FB players were trying it--------in the privacy of their training facility, NOT age 10 and seeing girls your age.
OP, well said, aint that the truth!!✝️✝️✝️
Yes, your view is partly true and then there are other elements that contribute to it. I have experienced it in my own family with a parent and siblings. It is quite complex. I left my family to live peacefully.
I'm not sure about this. My dad is a narc. His twin brother had other issues, but never showed narc traits that I ever saw, and none that my cousins ever spoke of.
My godson's son is only 4. He has some narc grandparents, but his parents have been really great with him so far. Both his non-narc grandmother and I have recognized how smartly, emotionally manipulative this child is already. I mean, yeah, he's a kid. But he has a way with words that set our alarm bells off. We and his parents are trying to teach empathy and patience with him. But damn if he doesn't have the typical narc gaslighting verbage down pat. He doesn't have much contact with his narc grandparents. They're too into themselves and mostly ignore him.
Got to be some "nature" as much as "nurture" in the makeup
Pathological Narcissism is not genetic and kids don’t all respond, process, and develop mental defense mechanisms to trauma in the same way. Also, traits of Narcissism is normal in a 4 year old. Their brains are not fully developed yet.
Children use manipulation to survive. it's how we all got big enough to write youtube comments. we manipulated our parents and others to care for us and give us what we needed/wanted, often because we weren't yet able to communicate our emotional needs as well as our physical ones yet but also to test boundaries. To see what they can get away with.
If you enable this behavior and allow it to go unchecked it could turn into narcissism but a 4 year old isn't a narcissist. Sounds like he's very smart and perhaps understimulated, testing boundaries and should be educated about consent and autonomy ASAP.
Pray for Jesus to bind demons. If you do it yourself it may cause retaliation in them. Do it whenever a problem comes up
Babies are to be given everything a toddler must be taught feelings,how to express emotions properly, sharing etc learning not to be only selfish
I agree with you. It can be nature and nurture.
I hear this from my in-laws. I always hear "he didn't get that from us. " ever since they started seeing it for themselves.
I asked my son if I had been a good mother.
He answered after much thought and said "you did your best"
Parents that can't find fault in their parenting are creating future pain. They get attacked when you say this hurt. They cannot comprehend that you could damage your child even if you love him immensely, because that's the only way they knew.
True, the parents itself stay selfish,carries their own pride around and doesn't care the kid what he is upto. They just provide the kid what he wants and expect the same from their kid like a business which lacks the real knowledge of love, care, understanding,sacrifice and adjustments in the kid.
My grandma and my mom are narcissists, my grandma died when I was around 5 years old but the only memories that I have with her is when she gaslighting me, a small kid, always blame me for everything happened in the house. And after she died, my mom take turn to abuse me mentally.
For me, it's very scary, I don't believe in marriage and afraid of having kids because of them. I'm afraid that I could turn into narcissist and create trauma for my child, I'm also afraid if my mom will abuse her grandkids mentally too like my grandma did to me.
The pain, the scars created from the parents won't easily healed, or maybe never. I really hate this feeling but I don't know how to throw it away.
This is so damn true.
Parents are the true cause of narcissism in the children.
Absolutely I know two people who have narcissist mothers and boy if they inherited their traits. Everything is someone else’s fault . They rage at you, you made them do it, if you react , look how crazy you are. They are just tiring creatures.
Exactly why I dropped out of college for being a child psychologist. The kid was sick because of the parent
Proverbs 22:6 (KJV) Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.❤❤❤❤
I adopted two. One is a covert narcissist the other an outright narcissist. I did not create this problem, they came with it. And it was deeply ingrained. Hateful and revenge full character.
When you are a narcissist, you think others are narcissists aswell. Its a darn paradox
Guilty, I'm toxic! I get it. I'm broken and alone now. Thank you! So now what? Can I pay you for counseling? I have no defense. I would never have accused my mother of being toxic and burned my bridges with her.
My child is so special and unique and would never do anything wrong. Because he's every bit as much of a self. Centered piece of garbage as I am.
So true we don’t put time to are family at home first.we putting the time outside and that’s went the problem starts.
No one has ever raised there kids perfect
Narcissism comes from Parents who over, or under indulge in their children. It's sad.
VERY. We are not really all created equal
You are so right! I heard, over achieving parents, cause such behavior in their kids and especially the last born one!
Having been married to, for 12 freaking years - and now being happily divorced from - a narcissist, still digesting cptsd - I have a built - in narcissism detection device. I run when I sense it. I'd rather be alone than go through that again. I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor, and I don't put up with that any longer.
True that.... Too many parents are exactly the examples you gave. OMG, so true.
I became a people pleaser my whole life, always putting everyone else first
Took me 57 years to figure out that my parents and my 3 ten year relationships where all with narcissistic men who abused me for being a kind person
It is only fair to consider the possibility of inate personalities and intelligence factors due to nurturing and environmental circumstances, birth order, etc. Parenting may contribute to it but ultimately, adults need to take responsibility for themselves and NOT blame their parents.
Not always...❣️
Narcissism is also caused by abuse and lack of love and parenting.. ❣️
Yes, it’s parenting
When do you stop blaming your parents and take responsibility for yourself?
My two female narc abusers who raised me up were abandoned as children ..So there was something wrong with the parenting.
That’s actually the next step. A lot of people get stuck on that one though. Sometimes it takes a long time before you feel believed, but eventually you realize it’s you that has to believe you. Once that happens it’s easier to forgive and see your parents as human. Everyone needs a different amount of time in that stage. It did last up to 18+ years anyway. It’s normal to be angry first, but you do have to choose to move on eventually. It’s what’s best for you.
100% it is !!! I applaud you Sir for calling it out. Especially BAD BAD BAD MOTHERS who indulge little Brat boy yet deny him emotional healthy connection early in life
Ah, the voice of reason. I agree. I have always been honest with my son about my failures, my bad decisions. I would explain it to him in hopes he would learn from my mistakes. If our children don't see us making mistakes and working it out in a healthy way, how are they to learn the importance of fixing/righting their mistakes? How do they learn to hold themselves accountable? I'm no expert but this man makes sense.
Good point, I’ve come to understand that this disability is a learned behavior. We all have a bit of narcissistic tendencies but there are those that take it to a grandiose level. I get it thank you for sharing 👍
I know I am not a narcissist but I must say
I have over spoiled my daughter
Out of love I have for her
And no she thinks she is entitle for anything and everything 😭😭😭😭
And I feel like is all my fault what she has become
I did that too…but she’s almost 20 now and it’s falling back in place. Maturity helps. I’ve let go and she has to take care of herself more and more, she is talking about moving out with roommates next year…give it time.
Well... it is your fault. Spoiling isn't love, it is a harmful compensation. Idk how old your daughter is, but there is still hope if she isn't past her mid 20's. No one parent does everything right, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.
Not your fault, don't think that. Sounds like my daughter.
@@Vacherie.de.vacherieThank you so much as that pertains to my almost 17 yo daughter. I do think maturity will help as well hopefully with her narc daddy issues. He's an ex. But I wish she never knew him. I got her away at age 9. Before that, when he was there he wasn't really there and most women raise their kids alone when they have a terrible partner.
But his self-absorbed ways and times he left even tho I was glad he was gone but it did deeply hurt her as a little girl. 😢 I never talked about him or advocated him but it does damage to a child. 😢
Stop enabling but keep Loving. Don't monetarily provide let them fail to learn to succeed