I Tell In-Laws My Husband Should DNA Test His Children From The First Marriage But I'm Immediately..
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.พ. 2025
- I'm my husband's second wife and we have kids together. However he has kids from his previous marriage too and his ex was not interested in raising them until recently...
#23andme #paternitytest #dnatestings
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The dad in story 3 is right, it is the thought that counts. The fact that he can’t be bothered to spend 30 seconds looking for something shows how little he cares.
Exactly! This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence as stated in one of the responses!
I actually think he might not be able to read. There's a lot more adults that can't read than you'd expect. They kind of get by and can hide it for the most part
@@ashleyphares3175 it isn't weaponised incompetence. That is when you deliberately do something wrong so you don't have to do it again. It's more likely reading difficulty or vision/cognitive issues he's to embarrassed to admit to. The fact he constantly volunteers means it's not weaponised incompetence.
@@jasonbrawn8347 This seems like a leap since there are no other indications he can't read or has vision problems (which would mean he can't or definitely shouldn't be driving). And something like raspberry and pineapple flavors will usually be identifiable by colour/pictures too. Also even if it were the case, the constant volunteering makes it worse not better. If he knows he can't get what people want, he shouldn't offer, not keep actively offering and consistently getting the wrong things and then getting angry at people for not being grateful. This also makes no sense if he had a problem he was embarrassed about: why continually offer to do somethign that exposes the issue (and is not kind at all since it just makes his family frustrated)?
yall need to be truthful he never likes op. Who would if op sound like she sounds like a nightmare. He was only doing this to make his dad happy
I had a friend many years ago who married another friend, who was a single mom to 2 kids. The children were young tweens but were both young teens the last time I saw them. The guy was pretty good with the step kids at first but then the mutual baby was born, (his first bio child and her third). He doted on that baby. Even when he became a toddler and would get into things and ruin the older kids' property he forbade anyone from punishing the baby for it. Eventually he got so angry and aggressive toward everyone not the baby that she packed up all three kids one day while he was at work and went home to her parent's house. I don't know what happened to any of them after that. The last I heard, he had to be evicted from a house that an ex employer owned because he was squatting there, unable to pay rent. NTA. OP, this doesn't get better.
Story 4: "I will go to therapy, I promise" isn't a magic solution. Too many stories the OP comes back with a "positive update" that their SO agreed to go to therapy, only to then update again 6-12 months later that either SO refused to go cause they got OP to forgive them so there's no point anymore, they went two times and didn't like being made to feel like the bad guy, or the 'therapist' is some counselor from a church preaching about godly conduct and traditional gender roles. Make him do the work first.
Which he obviously won’t do except to smear OPs reputation. I hope OP has messages and proof of his emotional abuse towards her and her son.
Wow misandry much. Guy says he is having mental health issues but surprised op does not care about her wedding vows and supports him. The irony of this being posted on men’s mental health awareness month to is hilarious.
@@user-de2wv8ri8n you do know he said the same vows and isn’t keeping his end of the deal?
@@user-de2wv8ri8nyou either are this new age weak generation that only hears/sees what they want. Or a bot troll.
Either way
@@lorilancaster5917what vows didn’t he keep?
"It's the thought that counts" Yes. And the blatant lack of thought is evident.
Last story. Wait, how is OP responsible for 1 teen getting more pricey gifts than the others? FROM OTHER PEOPLE???? Nope. People bitch about the descriptions of the girls. But the gist of the matter is this: the older girl is nice, helpful and does plenty of favors for family+friends. Making her a favored person that others will give more to as a thank you/reward! Parents are spending the same amount of money on their girls. NTA. Younger kid needs to think about WHY SIS is so beloved by others in their shared family/friends groups. Mom and Dad cannot force others to spend equally on these kids! I might limit kid b-day gift at $25-$30. But if a kid is helping me out, especially at no cost? They'll get something extra.
Glad to see I'm not the only who noticed. People on reddit are so biased they don't even read the important details anymore.
Got the impressions from the gifts that the younger one is more sporty(skateboard) rather than fashiony(makeup).
@@asmith8692 Uncles & Aunts got her items in her interests. They just weren't as pricey as her sisters. The parents got them the same expensive gift: iPads. You want more from extended family? Do more nice things for them,(like the older girl) too. Younger one is mad her sister has nicer gifts from others. Parents can't control that. Older sis does good things, without demands or begging. So yeah, she'll likely get nicer things from those she helps out. This apparently needs to be pointed out to the younger sis.
OP is allowing her relatives to spend significantly more on one daughter than the other. She’s allowing blatant favoritism.
@@stirlingarcher7972 This. “What do you mean? *I’m* not showing favoritism, I’m just letting the rest of my family do it.” That *is* showing favoritism, they’re being treated unequally and you are allowing it
Story 1: NTA. In-laws are acting mad suspicious
Someone´s definitely not who they think they are. But I do agree with the commenter who suggest her to let it slide for a few years considering OP´s had at least 4 minors, two of whom already got different set of problem to think about. At least until the stepkids are independent adults and her own kids are old enough.
I bet dollars to doughnuts that neither of the so called stepkids are the oop husband's.
Story 3- EVERY MAN knows it’s not the thought that counts it’s getting the correct item! How do I know? Every time a man is fixing ANYTHING from car to plumbing or let’s say “ buying football tickets “ please come home with a different part that “ looks the same to me” and see how they react! ESPECIALLY if you get tickets for a football team he hates! Lol
Oh, Iove the football tickets idea. I hate sports and even I would learn a partner's favorite teams.
Yeah people who lash out and be mean and use the excuse says that “they are just stressed“ are pretty clear signs of abuse in the relationship not to mention a red flag. Glad Op had the courage to get out of this relationship before it escalate it further. This guy is not sorry for how he reacted he’s only sorry that consequences is getting the best of him, and no doubt that he would repeat it again. So to men and women in relationships like this, take notes, and don’t brush off things like this as minor things especially if it happens more than once.
Don't you think she overreacted to him shouting one time when it was late and past the kids bedtime? Every parent loses their patience sometimes, it's natural. Not every argument is "abuse" or "trauma". The kid seemed respectful and did what he was told, I suspect mummy there would let him get away with murder.
@@alliedatheistalliance6776 no it’s not the first time he was acting like a jerk to OP son
@@alliedatheistalliance6776It's a possibility, but why did he let her get away with it all along if it bothered him? Did he think a bio kid would tie her to him forever? In this day and age?
Like all these stories, there's missing information.
@@Symphonia30 or as a step parent you have to balance the thin line of people expect you to play the role of a parent but you can’t actually be a parent without getting permission from the real parents. It’s extremely telling that he said he felt disrespected and her response was pretty much why should we respect you. Also she downplayed his hours at work because she “does the same hours at home” when almost everyone would agree working from home is easier. Just cutting out travel alone is a blessing.
So, dad can't find the right items at the store, but he has a job? What does dad do when his boss wants him to grab last month's results/ a hammer/ a Geiger counter (or what ever is used in his line of work)? Brings a sock, a labrador or a conductor's score sheet? Or does he actually care, respect and listen to the boss? Either he needs to get a grip, get a doctor's appointment or a divorce. The family can't live in this constant bullying situation. Dad's just taking a piss. .Sorry, but there's just no excuses for being an arse.
Story 2: Wow, OP is kind of a pushover, I feel bad for her. Her BF treats her like a third wheel in his relationship with his friends and has a Pick-Me Girl best friend, and all OP feels guilty about is that her BF's crappy behavior got his inheritance cut? "AITA for causing him to lose money?" Girl, you are more than just a shiny token for him to get money from daddy, OP needs to seriously work on her self-esteem, and BF needs to grow up. Mimi needs to be told she is not a main character in everyone's story.
My issue is, what qualities does her ex have that made her overlook how he prioritized everyone over her? Why did she stay when he showed he would never change? To me OP was only an AH for staying as long as she did but not for ending things. I hope she has changed her locks.
@@lorilancaster5917 We can infer from her post that she's of Indian ancestry (note the specific holiday that Ex skipped), and I'm betting the same is true of Ex and his father, who set them up. Dollars to donuts, her family has been all in on this match since before she met him.
She would spend a lifetime of taking the back seat everyone and getting a passive-aggressive attitude for Mimi
The ex has been effing Mimi from the first time daddy cut him off!
His New Plan:
#1 Keep effing Mimi
#2 Marry OP
#3 Daddy dies
#4 Get inheritance
#5 Divorce papers signed & ready - Divorce OP
#6 Marry Mimi 😂😂😂
@@thedorkone1516 even so, what does OP get out of it?
Story 2; Yeah, Mimi's the actual girlfriend, Op is the person he was dating to appease his parents. He'd have been gone the mimute he got his inheritance.
Right? He ditched big events because her dog yaked? C'mon, that is one of the lamest, limp wristed excuses I've ever heard. And the fact Mimi had the balls to say what she did at that circus of a proposal screams volumes.
@@thedorkone1516 Wow...that's exactly it. OP shouldn't feel bad at all, let Tim and his side-piece Mimi live in peace with no money...let's see how long their relationship lasts. Tim seems like a loser who depends on his dad and yet can't seem to get himself together. I ŕeally hope he gets cut off and years later, him and Mimi come beg OP for handouts...it would be the perfect karma.
Story 2: OP you didn’t know his dad would take half of his inheritance, and you didn’t know your friend was going to tell his dad. But your ex knew you don’t do well in crowds and didn’t like public proposal. He didn’t even bother to invite your friends and family, you didn’t even know some of the people were there to share the moment. Maybe it was because your friends and family would have told them public proposal was a bad idea.
This is why I don’t like public proposal the peer pressure and anxiety it puts on people is not worth it. Unless you know they’re going to say yes and want it public, it should be one on one. But he didn’t care about that he wanted his way. And what’s worse you were standing there about to have a panic attack. He doesn’t comfort you and let’s one of his friend talk about how your face looks.
And if one thinks about it, ex knew his inheritance also depended on appeasing OP as a wife on top staying out of what trouble his friends got involved - And he FAFO that up badly since seems that was his 2nd or 3rd chance to lose everything from his father...
@@polarbear2080 If a women told me she wanted a private proposal, I would be like hell ya. I don't even understand that the dude did 100x more work for something he knew she didn't want. That always confuses me.
@@Nielak-dg8nj some people like OP's ex are just that determine to screw themselves over no matter because they think everyone else will take/put up with stupidity - then gets upset when consequences naturally happens due ignoring that everyone else don't have take /put up with them.
He's effing Mimi & daddy doesn't approve! So he starts dating OP because daddy approves & likes OP!
The Plan: Marry OP & keep effing Mimi until daddy dies & he gets the inheritance & has divorce papers signed & ready!!! Don't feel bad about causing him to lose his money, he doesn't care about you😂!!!
The woman leaving her husband because he snaps for no reason, good, she needs to leave for both her and the kids sake! I grew up in a home where my father would yell for very little, and mom would yell back at times...I am in my 40s now and I still freeze up if I hear yelling, especially from a man, even if it's not directed at me. It's terrifying living in a home where at any moment your loving parent can turn into a monster and you never know when it'll happen, and it carries with you even with therapy. My parents never divorced because "We take our wedding vows seriously"...but there have been many many times I wish they had.
It's possable the husband has ppd. Men can get it too, it's just not as talked about
@@Dartkitten I totally get that, and yeah, its possible, but its still not an excuse and I still think she and her kids need to get out. I hope he gets help, but he has to do that on his own, he has to want to get help.
@@DartkittenWell he refused to get help repeatedly until the last minute.
That "stressed out" guy sounds like he might have an opiate addiction.
It causes crazy mood swings.
Screw what other people think, they don't see what his actions are like in the moment.
Or narcissism....
It could be a hormonal imbalance through some health issues. It can destroy stress coping mechanisms easily. And create mood swings.
Speaking from experience.
@@MinkxiTes It could be all kinds of issues, from stress to to hormone problems to addiction to mental illness to PTSD, all of which he deserves compassion and help for. However, if he's not willing to get help to work on the issue so that he isn't abusive towards his family, then he deserves no sympathy, and more important she should get out to protect her children. Growing up with a parent with a hair-trigger temper is really not fun.
@@tfrtrouble sure, she shouldn't stay with someone with these abusive tendencies.
@@MinkxiTes Didn't mean to come across as aggressive. I actually think your comment that it could be a health issue that he is genuinely struggling with was helpful. I just meant to say that whatever the cause, the fact that he's refusing to get help for it (even with encouragement) is a problem.
Whenever my maternal grandmother would buy my father socks she would buy acrylic instead of wool. My mom would return the socks and walk two or three steps down the aisle to grab the wool socks.
My FIL gets bottle of wine for my parents every Christmas. He has been told several years my mom cannot drink red wine. FIL always buys red wine.
Since bottle always goes thru us, i told husband maybe it's time to say no to bottle when FIL is handing it to us.
(Husband said he just buys several bottles of same wine)
He really isn't evil but after 15yrs, i start to find it offensive. I also don't understand that my MIL doesn't make him go buy white because MIL absolutely wouldn't forget detail like this. (She's in charge of everything so idk why this responsibility on put on fil)
"It's the thought that counts!"
What thought? Cause after the way his grocery shopping technique was described all I'm seeing is thoughtlessness. Pure mental laziness.
story 1 OP needs to let the kids know that they have the option to say no and if they do say no OP will back them up
This. OP should talk to them to find out what is going on when they go with BM. They are not happy about spending time with her.
Well said. And given BM has other kids with disabilities, if she goes to court and gets custody of the older teen kids, in order, to use them for free labor, she'll just lose custody, again, when social services removes all the kids from her, places the teens with foster parents (instead of their father and OP), and her other kids with wards of the state.⚠️
Story 1. OP NTA but it would be better to wait til the children are older to do an DNA test .MIL is being very suspicious. But with the problem on hand, your hubby and you need to talk with his older kids and let them tell you guys about what happens at their Bio Mom's house. You and hubby need to support them if they say they don't want to go there. That they have the right to say NO. It is suspicious that their Bio mom wanted no part of their lives til they were old enough to babysit if Bio mom wants some custody she can go through court and follow a schedule. Her just popping up with no notice and wanting her way sort of needs to be squashed.
S2: Why would you want to marry or even stay in a relationship with a man who puts you last on the list of important people in his life?
12:45 OP #4's husband was only blindsided because he expected OP and the kids to roll over and take his abuse.
Doesn't take stress well? He's an adult with children and the time to learn stress management was before they were born.
OP is working the same hours, taking care of the house and 2 kids and is never lashing out, how is he so concerned when op is helping with income and house chores? There's something very wrong and it is better to leave then wait for what happens next
The dad was displaying genuine incompetence, not the weaponized version of it. "Weaponized" only really applies if the perpetrator is doing it on purpose to avoid future labor. If the dad was actually trying to do that, he'd just never offer. Reddit really likes using these terms at the slightest provocation.
Yes it sounds like either his vision, hearing, or his mind is starting to go.
My first thought is Dad is dyslexic...dyslexic it not just one thang and does have a few trait similar to ADHA.
Maybe dad need a album in his phone with photos of his family's favourite things.
Just my 1st thought. 😊
And even if he can’t read, I’m sure he can tell the difference between a pineapple likely in a yellow vessel from raspberry likely in a red vessel. Plus I’m sure there are pics of the fruit on whatever he bought OP.
Spot on, It sounds like it might actually be dyspraxia. I suffer from that myself and some times I cannot see the wood for the trees when looking in shops or pages in a book, transposing letters in words is a shared trait with dyslexia and sometimes you also read the word you think you read and not the actual word. He wants to be helpful because as you say he continually does it and has for years.
@@tsrgoinc I would say the fact that he keeps offering is what proves his thoughtlessness. Regardless of the cause of this problem (whether a medical issue or he's just an inconsiderate person), he knows by now he won't or can't bring back what the people want and it's making them frustrated, so he should stop offering. It's not ok that he keeps doing it because it makes him feel generous and then gets angry and accuses people of being ungrateful when they aren't happy with yet more things they didn't ask for and dislike. You can't continually give someone bad gifts/favors that you know they don't like and expect praise and gratitude because "it's the thought that counts". That "thought" that counts is thinking about what will make the other person happy not just a low-effort action that gives you a feeling of being generous without actually giving them anything they want. If you know you have issues identifying products, then don't offer to pick things up for people.
Story 3: I mean, you can’t be grateful if he’s always getting the wrong thing, and it’s not the thought that crown when he’s clearly not paying attention or putting the bare minimum effort. Took the time to call you to see if you wanted something. Why couldn’t you take the time to call and tell you they didn’t have the flavor you wanted?
maybe a weird thought but maybe dad is dyslexic and he does not realize it. the older generation did not have the tests we have now and often had to use weird things to avoid reading stuff
Open that can. Do not let those crappy in laws hide. Get the DNA tests.
story 2: turn gay and marry your best friend, girl is absolutely the best, told his dad!!!!!!! lolol what a champ!!!!!! and she wasn't even invited to the proposal? he knew what he was doing!
“It’s the thought that counts” only counts if you took the time to think. The guy does a cursory glance, throws thinking out the window in favour of grabbing the closest object in range, and expects to be complemented. Oof.
#2: Wait, someone else's dog was sick, not his dog? WTF? I'd have bounced right there.
A dinner celebrating my significant other's massive achievement or a dog that belongs to someone else? _Hmmmm._
Story 1: I completely agree with the last comment. We could question and have theories all the live long day, but clearly there is some drama that you don’t know about going on here. Good intention or not you don’t know anything about it and it would be stupid to start up drama you don’t know anything about. Your husband doesn’t want to do it, your in-laws explained it’s not a good idea to do it, I say less sleeping bear lie, and let the kid decide in the future whether or not they want to explore whatever is going on.
No one stood up to the nazis. Everyone just stood by and let it happen until it became a problem for everyone later.
No, I say dig and find the truth. OP may find out that that entire family supports cheating and that her partner is a cheater.
Yes, to paraphrase Sean Connery from Hunt For Red October, "lets give these inlaws a wide berth" - there be mines in this water...
Hopefully the kids won’t have any sudden medical emergencies that could’ve been prevented had they known their genetic history…
Story 4: He thought he had OP baby trapped & wouldn't leave. There are some men who seem very nice ("love bombing") until they think you're under their thumb. That might be when you confess your feelings, when you get engaged, move in together, get married, get pregnant, or give birth. Good thing OP has a shiny spine....her husband's behaviour could escalate if she stayed & allowed it to continue, putting her & the children in danger.
Or he was nice to stepkid until he got biokid.
Or he gets less attention.
Both common things
The dad who gets the wrong stuff sounds similar to my dad. Not sure if this is related, but he has recently been diagnosed with parkinsons and dementia. Now I'm wondering if these were early signs. Also he frequently used the wrong words for things, even though he is a very clever man. Me and my brother used to laugh at him for this and just thought it was his personality, now I'm not sure, and even starting to do it myself sometimes.
Last story: one daughter is out going and selfless. The other daughter, not so much. The relatives treat one daughter differently, the mother does not. One daughter wants the rewards without putting in the effort. And that makes the mother a crappy parent?! 😮
Ugh, IKR? And here I thought Reddit hated entitled people of all ages.
@@Digitalfairy Try or not, everyone should get the same treatment. That’s how the world works.🤪
I didn’t know you had to work for your families love. “Sorry that my family treats your sister so much better than you, but have you considered that you’re not worthy of their love? Try harder next time sweetie”
@@FrostLordOni : Why are people acting like we don’t have a favorite relative. That ride or die relative. Or that person we don’t invite to go to a party. Or that person that doesn’t help you out in a jam.
The mom treats her daughters equally, but one sister doesn’t think she should.
@FrostLordOni you see how you've confused love with "things"? Sis isn't missing out on love. Despite being given gifts that match her interests she's looking to compare to gifts that match her sister's interests. She knows she doesn't put in equal "effort" but she expects equal "reward". Classic entitlement.
Story 4 is exactly why all people should dread being a step parent. As a step parent you have to balance the thin line of people expect you to play the role of a parent but you can’t actually be a parent without getting permission from the real parents. It’s extremely telling that he said he felt disrespected and her response was pretty much why should we respect you. Also she downplayed his hours at work because she “does the same hours at home” when almost everyone would agree working from home is easier. Just cutting out travel alone is a blessing. And at home work usually isn’t physical labor. And he is working5 days a week at 10hrs a day.(5am-3pm) Also she stated she allowed the child to stay up late because they were having fun. She never discussed it with her partner but made a unilateral decision. He said it was time for bed the child spoke back to try and get more time and he raised his voice in response. That is not abuse. And replying “what do you to deserve respect” to “oh now you are mad at me” is crazy in any context.
Second to last story - NTA as someone who grew up in that entirety of her life, it only cause so much anxiety and 'parents home never felt safe' good on OP to cut that toxicity out
I'm going to guess Mimi is Camilla, OP is Diana, & the ex is Charles. He's sleeping with Mimi, but can't marry her otherwise he'll lose the inheritance, so he has to marry someone his dad likes. Glad OP is out of that situation.
Proposal Story: OP, Tim cost himself his money. He knew, was told repetedly ahead of time, that nothing he did that night would be something you like and would only cause you stress. He is someone who would have disregarded you in your relationship if you'd stayed with him.
Maybe I'm just crazy, but it kind of feels like a deliberate attempt to drive OP away while being able to insist to his dad that it's not his fault.
Story 3: I suffer no depth perception and this made it so that I often grabbed a jar/bottle/packet just adjacent to the correct one. Now I know I have this condition, I finally know why I did this and am extra careful when shopping.
I hate stories and situations where third parties think an apology is a magic spell that erases the hurt and make everything better. Apologies do not undo what has been done.
When my kid was growing up, I told her there were three red flags of dating: someone who has a best friend of the opposite gender, someone who puts their friends before you and someone who has a former intimate partner or partners as close friends. It sounds as if OP ex two of the three. It sounds as if he’s been putting his friends in front of her for their entire relationship, I don’t understand why she put up with that for two years.
Story 1: If it can be destroyed by the truth, it MUST be destroyed by the truth.
The husband that is "stressed out" is an AH.
His excuses and apologies mean nothing. Ask any person that barely eacaped an abuser, who also used stress for their violence. OP said her hubs "doesn't do well with stress" Why the hell did he have a family then?!! Families are stressful. OP is NTA
..i also kept wondering what relation teenager (was kid 11 or 13?) going to sleep and him going to sleep has to do with each other? Husband needs to go sleep because of work? Then he goes to sleep.
@@duckeh1952 have you lived with a 13 year old that is “playing around”? Their voices alone are loud. And he has to be at work at 5am. If he is lucky enough to have a 20 minute drive to work he still has to be up by 4am to get ready, eat and get there on time. He was absolutely correct she doesn’t respect him nor what he does in the family
@@rum1105sounds about right. Sounds like there’s a lot of push back when he says something to her kid and OP doesn’t support him. Sounds like she wanted a doormat and not an equal parent to her kids.
the dad getting whatever story is literally 90% of male instacart shoppers. so many times they send me a pic “x item isn’t here, see” and i just point out the fucking thing in the damn image! i wish i could cancel if it wasn’t a woman.
I'd ask if that's really how much I count to him if Dad pulled out the 'thought that counts' line on me. He showed OP isn't worth 30 seconds of thought.
Story 3: NTA, it is one thing to get a similar alternate product (or different brand) if they don't have it, but this sounds like your father doesn't even bother looking for the right thing.
Story 2: He does not care about your emotions or feelings. You deserve better OP.
Nta. She hasn't been around and cannot respect boundaries. No prior discussions, no kids.
Story 2: Last redditor made such an irritating comment and was trying to subtly undermine OP. I have been around enough catty, passive-aggressive people to pick up on it... It is none of OP's business how her ex's dad treats him at this moment. If he decides to punish his son, or disinherit him how is this OP's concern? If Tim loses his money, so what? If Tim is vulnerable to his father's machinations and can't seem to chart an independent path for himself, that doesn't give any permission to be inconsiderate and awful to OP. In fact, that makes me realise how much more of a loser Tim is.
Also why is the dad wrong in doing so? Like i understand if its for small things like..."you don't wear that shirt I'm cutting you out of the inheritance" its obviously more than that. The friends definitely made him/he did some fucked up shit and this was the last straw.
@@elsaken2840 Agreed. There's nothing wrong with that.
1) OP dodges a bullet, I don't know why she put up with his disregard for as long as she did. OP did not overreact and NTA. Her X is a complete AH. I'm so glad she walked away and said it's over.
2) This is no favor if it is not what is wanted. Stop letting him "do a favor" and avoid frustration ... no, the thought doesn't count when things are done wrong. Does he have dementia, is he going blind, does he have undiagnosed ADD ... whatever, get him diagnosed if need be, and meanwhile say no, or make him go back to return the wrong items and come back with the correct ones.
3) Being unkind to the older child is unacceptable, OP needs to shut that down immediately and the demand for therapy to figure out what the problem is and how to correct it. OP NTA for calling out her husband's bad behavior and leaving this unreasonable, abusive man who has refused to go for counseling until OP had enough.
4) OP is showing so much favoritism and it is so very obvious, and when the, by OP's estimation, not beautiful, not smart, not talented, and less social daughter lets her know how this makes her feel she threatens to punish her. OP so much YTA. I feel sorry for the not the Golden Child.
OP of angry husband should tell hubby to get his B vitamins checked. A deficiency in one of them can cause rage. Brits did an interesting study.
S1: Send her a court order for child support. If she all of a sudden wants to be a mother to these kids, she's going to have to pay up for the years you and your husband looked after them. Not to mention she's parentifying the children so she doesn't have to be a mother.
NTI. The fact his Dad did this speaks more about the boyfriends actions not you. Your boyfriend did this to himself. The money issue is between boyfriend and his Dad they have serious issues together. You dodged a huge cannonball.
That's story 2, not story 1.
2nd story... I kind of admire his thought process...
If I propose IN HER APARTMENT IT'S NOT PUBLIC even if I invite all my friends, some of whom she doesn't even know.
3rd story: It reminded me of my cousin and his wife. lol It was during one of our visits. His wife asked him to change the diaper and he did it terribly. My father bluntly asked him if he wanted to lose his wife. A man who could not take care of his own son is very unattractive in many ways. Someone else can and will steal his wife away once they realize how weak the competition is. I was skeptical about that tactic but cousin started taking care of his son properly after that day.
Its so tempting re 23 and me but otherwise if mum is disrupting the childrens lives say no. Its not fair on them.
Last story; op is ta but not for buying the same gift. Thats not the actual issue. And its kinda insulting that shes framing it like that.
Its absolutely uncomfortable how clearly op favors one daughter. Heck i had to go back at first to figure out the relationship between the 2 girls.
And i agree that her gift twords the girls shouldnt be dependent on the other gifts from other people. We see again and again parents getting dragged for letting outside gifts influence their own gifts they give to their kids.
However op should have had an actual convo about effort in relationships and that this is how the rest of the family pays the sister back for all the babysitting and whatnot. Let her actually feel her feelings and walk her through them. She went stright to "shut up or else" which is only going to further the resentment.
Sorry, but last story, NTA. OP isn't at fault of what everybody else give her daughter, she was going to give her the exam same present, how is that unjust?, should the sister feel that her mom doesn't love her as much so the other one feels even?
Letting the extended family favor one child so much more than the other is why OP is an AH
@@stirlingarcher7972 hmm. It's not quite favoritism I think. It's not like the girls are doing the same things with different outcomes. One of the girls is going out and building relationships with those relatives, the other is not (at least it's not mentioned).
@@bw2544-o7t I agree
@@bw2544-o7tok but that doesn't justify favouritism. It's very simple you spend 50-60 dollars on each at Christmas and birthdays and you pay her or give gift vouchers throughout the year to compensate her for babysitting. It's very telling that Lexi's beauty which has no relevance to the story is mentioned but Kelly is just my other daughter.
Third Story: OP's dad deserves the *same* 'thought that counts' treatment:
"I know you like meatloaf, but the bratwurst was such a good deal!"
"Oh, I thought green was your favorite color...and that orange shade is so peppy!"
"It's the same brand, just a different scent - so what?"
Maybe *then* he'll get the hint...
Lol proposal story. My daughter and her fiance have this anxiety so they are having a small wedding.
S1: Either one or more of his kids is not his, or his father is not his father and mother in law wants to hid her own cheating..
Story 3 is basically a copy and paste of my misogynistic grandpa when it came to anything feminine for me (especially period products) he would purposefully but me clothes too small or too big based on whether or not I met his "standards" and he would shame me for getting heavy flow period products, calling me lazy and sinful (ignoring that only me myself knew how heavy my flow was and he'd ignore me curled up on the ground sobbing and screaming in pain, it was so stupid)
Story 2: NTA. OP you DID handle it with grace. It's Tim and Mimi who went and did exactly what you told Tim not to do. Tim made it clear that anyone is a priority over OP, including a DOG. He's made it clear the only thing he cares about is what HE wants. He wanted a public proposal and invited only his friends/associates to it. OP isn't dodging a bullet but a nuclear bomb. Him losing half his intended inheritance and embarrassing himself is entirely on him. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if it's Mimi he wants to be with but his dad doesn't approve of her (likely for good reasons).
My paranoid self wonders if doing a proposal that he knew OP wouldn't want wasn't Tim's way of trying to dump her while being able to spin it to his dad that it was all OP's fault, thus keeping Dear ol' Dad from cutting it off.
Story 3: My Ex-FIL is like that.. you have to go to the store with him or be prepared to be.. very flexible.
S2: ESH.
Obviously husband sucks for doing a public proposal but I firmly believe if someone's social anxiety is so severe as to trigger panic attacks and similar symptoms that means their problem is now a partners problem, a partner who has to change their own personal behavior to account for someone else's emotional stress points.
You like dogs but they're afraid of them someone's gonna have to lose.
You like certain food or place that reminds them.of a stressful thing-- someone's got to go without
And inevitably someone's going to end up feeling bitter and resentful at missing out on the things they love or having to endure situations they're not comfortable with.
Op dodged a bullet but so did the bf nobody should be forced to live their lives in a glass house sitting on thin ice cringing every time there's a crack.
Proposal story: NTA. You instantly ending the relationship might seem harsh to some, but that stunt he pulled really proved that he doesn't know you at all, nor does he respect you. He doesn't care what you actually want. You shouldn't marry him.
Yes, because living a lie al ends so WELL😂😂😂
OP NTA. Why are you with a guy who makes you his last priority? He doesn't listen to you and defends his gal friend when she is passive aggressive to you. You are wasting your time and energy. He won't suddenly change his ways if you guys get married. He is showing his true colors, you need to see and believe and leave him. His Dad might be a nice guy but his son is not and you deserve someone who listens to you and puts you first. You didn't cost him his inheritance, his not listening and respecting your boundaries costed him his inheritance. It was good that you let your parents know where u were and not to talk to tim cuz he might have tried to turn them against you glad your friend helped get everyone out of your place and i think it was good that his dad was told.
Story 4 - Uh... sounds like OP's STB-Ex is suffering from PPD. Yes, men can get PPD too. It's not an excuse, especially since OP told him to get therapy before and it sounds like he has plenty of time to go to therapy, but, yeah, Paternal Post-Partum Depression is just as bad for men as it is for women.
Yeah i think it would be a good idea for them to take a break and let him get some counseling or therapy or whatever and then revisit the situation.
Or narcissism...
He needs to find help with his temper and stress management but you cannot stay with children in that atmosphere.
Story 2: NTA...Are you both Indian and was this an arranged marriage type situation? If it was this make sense, he had to get you to end it to try and keep his father from cutting him off. Odds are MImi is his girlfriend, and he was just using you as a beard.
Jeez, the posters in the last story are unhinged. What is OP sposed to do, punish Lexi by getting her a cheaper gift because aunts and uncles got her more? Just stop with all that BS. As far as OP is concerned, theres no favoritism. Now, the aunts and uncles, not so much. It's unfortunate that one sister is more likable than the other, but welcome to life. What i might do is insist that aunts and uncles put a cap on the amount of money they spend on the girls' gifts...of course, that'll just lead to covert gift giving to Lexi with no real solutionto the problem. Given the fact that Kelly immediately objected to Lexi getting the EXACT SAME THING from OP just screams entitlement. I'm not surprised Lexi is more favored by extended family. Lexi sounds pretty other centered, Kelly sounds the opposite, and if OP sounds disappointed, it's pretty understandable.
How about do the What Every Woman tells a Man or In-Laws, "Treat The Girls Fairly", if they Buy Lexi Expensive Gifts, then Kelly should Also Receive Expensive Gifts.
Op Hates her 2nd Daughter and She Knows, but Go Off and Tell a Woman she's Right and Innocent, when She Clearly is NOT. I bet They Going to Go BIG for Lexi's Graduation and College.
Kelly will have to Fend for herself, and Take out Loans, when she Graduates. But Go Off and ask What can a Mother Do to Stop the Favoritism, You Can't? Why? -because she's a Woman.
> “What is OP sposed to do, punish Lexi by getting her a cheaper gift because aunts and uncles got her more?”
No, she’s supposed to talk to her family about their favoritism. She’s allowing her family to blatantly favor one of her children over the other. She doesn’t just get to say “Well *I’m* not mistreating my daughter, so it’s okay that I let others do it”
@@FrostLordOni
How about Demanding Fair and Equal Treatment, Just Like Women Tell Men and In-Laws to Do, Treat The Kids Fairly.
Notice How it's Op's (The Woman's) Family that Sets the Tone, and How Op Allows the Mistreatment from Her OWN "Family".
But you're Right Op Shouldn't and "Can't" do Anything, Just Wait until Op, is Back Crying and Whining that her Daughter Cut her and her Family Off and Won't Speak to her.
Or When Emily get with those College Modern Feminist or Find a Man, and She will Cut Op Off, then Op will Remember.
I Swear You Jezebels Pick and Choice which "Morals" to Follow.
Op is TA, and she will Suffer for ALLOWING ALL of this to Happen.
Last story. You need to do something about the favoritism from op amd her other relatives. Op needs to prepare when the daughter cuts all the family out and disappears. Op is failing her daughter.
2. Are you sure you were not Dads pick and it was an obligatory proposal? Kind of what it sounds like.
If op in story 1 pushes this then they are the AH. People love unnecessary drama. If she thought it would be fun then Forcing it won’t be. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
Last story. It is not the mother fault that one daughter is kind , helpful and beautiful and one is average. There is nothing wrong with average. The family is spoiling the one daughter and mother is not. She bought both kids the exact same present. The average daughter is bitter and obnoxious because she is average. If you want to be special be special…….but don’t take it out on the mother. Oh my God she called one kid beautiful, I’m sure her other daughter has a mirror and eyes. Mom didn’t spit on her by her a pair of socks and beautiful a iPad. Get a grip people.
#3 "It's the thought that counts? Okay, then what were you thinking when you grabbed the wrong item instead of the correct one? You said it was the thought, so please articulate the thinking that has led to you consistently failing, miserably, at such a simple task as grabbing a specific grocery item?"
I suspect his ex was the mother of the children. She was there at their births.
Last story future update: My daughter no longer talks to me and I don't know why.
Well yeah, abd that selfish grumpy daughter can eff right off with her nasty attitude. Since when one child should be punished for another selfish nasty attitude
4 - the man works 10 hours a day 5am to 3pm with no supportive spouse since sleep time is flexible with her. No wonder he's stressed.
Rageful husband: NTA. This doesn't get better. He's violently angry and lashing out over nothing. He perceives not listening to him immediately without question as disrespect. Subjecting you and your child to his rage and terrorizing you both is ABUSE. Also he's not blind sided. He knows exactly how he's been behaving. He just didn't think that you would leave.
Last story
This commenters are crazy\
Yes, OP described the daughter as beautifull and her other 'trades' but this was because it was relevant to the story (her being more 'social' was also relevant ) because that is why other relatives treat her DIFFERENT
But I see no such bahavior in OP .,.she buys them BOTH the same gifts ..OP NOT dion that WOULD be favoritisme
And the other daughter didn't share her feelings..she DEMANDED that OP gave her sister less!
How is it on OP what other relatives give her because she is always there to help them too?
Suppose that OP had 4 more kids ..would they expect her to describe them too?
Story 2: oh please he is not sorry he's just sorry that he lost his inheritance from his dad he doesn't mean anything that he says to her. She needs to leave his loser ass.
I would hate a public proposal, and he ignored all you said, so he is not husband material. What happened next is not on you.
_"I don't _*_cyare_*_ that I don't put any effort in and I don't _*_cyare_*_ that they don't know me! _*_FORCE_*_ them, Mommy!! _*_Make_*_ them buy _*_all_*_ the things, Mommy!!"_
Yep, that's pretty much the vibe I got from the girl in the final story claiming favoritism.
“Make them treat your children equally” really isn’t a big ask
@stirlingarcher7972 The other daughter does them all favors and babysits for free, while spending time with them. I think it's only fair that they'll treat her equally when she does.
Last story NTA) You can’t cut a gift short to one child just because the aunts & uncle bought them a gift of a higher monetary value that’s not how it works I can’t tell my siblings how to gift give looks to me they gave each child gifts of their interest them commenters are delusional at best.
Story 4. OPs STBX has an underlying issue thats causing him to act increasingly aggressively. Regardless of what it is, OP and her children are no longer safe in any environment that contains him. It does NOT matter that he apologized, the trust has been shattered and replaced with fear.
Yeah, anyone whos mood swings that fast AND has seemingly short fuse, is not to trusted.
He could have ppd or depression. Ppd can happen to men too and depression effects men diffrebtly then women
Funny when women start to show issues with their mental health people’s first response is to get her help. When it’s a man it’s oh he’s abusive get out.
Last story: parent approved favoritism. YTA. The relatives asked permission to give the gifts and OP just went along with it. I wonder if OP even likes Kelly. Because with this big a difference in the gifts I'm willing to bet the answer is no. Especially since this is a regular occurrence that the family spoils Lexi. 😒
Why did your boyo let someone talk him into a proposal you told him you would hate? Could this be his best female friend trying to break you up?
Story 3: obvious OP is NTA, but I'm worried about the dad. I was thinking the same thing as the one commenter: Can he read? Does he have vision problems? Difference is, I'm genuinely concerned. Perhaps he really can't read and just does his best while hiding the fact.
Story 3: Is it possible his dad can't read properly? There are a lot more adults out there that can't read than you'd expect.
Tim is an ahole and more than likely a cheater. He can have Mimi. Op did nothing wrong. He knew what you did and didn't like. Can't believe op put up with his crap that long.
I’m late but yay xo!
Op you and your husband can test the kids. The in-laws don't get a say. I bet mil has a dirty secret
Story 2: YTA to yourself, why would you even think about marrying a man who puts his friends first over you?
Your dad may be having issues with macular degeneration, or other sight issues. Get it checked.
Story 3; You know the funny thing? I bet anything if Op got dad something COMPLETELY different than what he asked for, he’d probably freak out lool.
Naw NTA Op your dad is doing this on purpose.
story 5, so the dude is stressed that he is not providing for his family and what does the wife do? She runs away. So his fears came turn lol. i swear men need to start divorcing women with postpartum depression.
Last story: as redditors pointed it out, OP clearly has a favorite as shown in the first two sentences. But besides that, what about the activities? Is Kelly not helping with all that stuff, because she doesn't want to or doesn't get the opportunity? Is Lexi the favorite of the wider family because of superficial stuff or because she puts the work in?
There is a good possibility, that Lexi is more extroverted and Kelly more introverted and as a result Lexi is more forthcoming with lending a helping hand and therefor earned those gifts. Of course it's all speculation, because we don't have enough information, besides the mother not seeing her own hypocrisy. But there is a scenario where Lexi actually earned her gifts.
And to be fair, giving both kids the same presents is not playing favorites by the mother.
Not true at all
@@KadeStringer2.0 Care to elaborate?
These teenagers are both almost adults. OP is getting both of them the same iPad for a birthday gift. What their aunts and uncles give them is not under OP's control.
You seem to be forgetting that Kelly calling out OP for giving Lexi the exact same gift just reeks of entitlement. There might be a reason she's not favored by the extended family.
@@scibear9944 Isn't that the majority of my point?
Story w the dad buying the wrong stuff, IT IS the thought that counts, but he puts I thought into it which is why he refuses to read labels. Is he illiterate or something?
Story 1 just don't do it. If they and no, don’t want it why push it? Like everyone against it and you want to play Nacy drew
Is bad shopper dad illiterate?
Last story: OP might be the AH for the way she describes her daughters, but the real question was: Is is unfair that both daughters get the same present from her? And my answers is: No. Lexy did a lot of nice things for her relatives and they showed their appreciation by giving her nicer presents. Kelly isn’t punished for being less social, she is just not rewarded. Mother treats both equally. She shouldn’t have punished Kelly for talking about her feelings though.
Story 1: Sus af! I would bide my time if I were OP.