The Main questions -How is your mental health? -How am I doing as your partner? -What can I do to be better as your partner? -What did I drop the ball on this week? -What did I do exceptionally well this week?
Bonus Questions How am I doing at meeting your emotional intimacy needs? How would you rate our sex life on a scale of 1-10? Are you still happy with the division of housework? Do you still feel safe with me? What is something we should do that we haven't?
Things to remember. If you havent set boundaries/expectations in your relationship this could be a good time to do so. If you have set boundaries this can be a great time to make sure that both of you have the same definitions of the boundaries that are set.
Avoid phrases like “You never” or “You always” these come across as combative and can be used in manipulative ways.
Try to engage your partner with questions instead of making statements. Statements trigger a feeling of judgment where questions engage curiosity. Things like “Do you have a minute” Vs “We need to talk”
Listen to understand. Not to respond. Allow your partner to complete their thought process before speaking. Work on giving a pause to think before you speak. Empathize and validate what they are saying instead of just responding. This will help make them feel heard and if you arent sure what they are saying repeat what you heard back and make sure you have it before giving a response.
The most important thing in a conversation is hearing what isnt being said. Really pay attention to tone, inflection and body language.
Use and instead of but. It doesn’t matter what you say before a BUT. the moment you drop that everything prior is negated and people will only focus on the negative that follows.
Start paying attention to your partners requests for connection. This can come from something as simple as going hey check out that whatever. To get you to look. Engage with them over it. Talk to them. That attention is being requested. They want to connect with you again. Ignoring these requests or not giving them enough attention can slowly become the downfall of a relationship and you will find yourself failing or in the room mate phase.
How often do you recognize and validate the positive things in your partner. The small trivial things that people over look and take for granted because that is what your life has become. Simple positive affirmations can make them feel validated, appreciated and seen.
People love to “Match energies”. So when someone is giving us the silent treatment. We give it back. Attitude thrown at us gets thrown back. We mirror. Why are you trying to do the same thing with your love?
@@garrettfesta3519This *IS* how the intimacy is reclaimed, brother. During check-ins, it’s a time where you have the other person’s undivided attention. That, alone, is meant to create a more intimate setting. If she’s sitting in your lap, even better! The key is to make eye contact, and listen, *truly listen* to each other. Hear, and process what they’re saying. If you’re both doing that, it doesn’t get much more intimate than that, except for when the clothes come off. lol
I am 20 turning 21 years old and this content is teaching me the life, emotional, and social awareness my parents couldn't give. It's helping me in my relationships and work life. Thank you ♡
It blows my mind people say you guys are in a “toxic relationship.” Both of you are clearly intoxicated and in love with each other sooooo much! It’s so heart warming and meaningful to me. Everyone deserves the love and understanding you two have for each other.
Even though I don’t have a significant other right now I have decided to do something for myself based off your video and what you guys do I bought myself a new cute notebook and some colorful pens and some different kind of pens because I am addicted to those lol I can never have enough. I have started a check in report card with myself each week I asked myself what I thought I did great, what I need to improve on, And what I could do to improve just like you guys and your check ins. I have also made a rule that for everything bad I must say three positive things or three things I’m grateful for so each time I find myself complaining to somebody or find myself complaining too much in my journal I must say three things I’m grateful for in hopes that I am working towards a more positive outlook
Good for you!!! That’s awesome, I do the 3 positive words with my stepkids or used to do it more when negative words were used more. I didn’t like them putting themselves down or others down for whatever reason (I know the reason but trying to make a positive difference in their lives) it’s beneficial to love themselves or love yourself. I’ve said that to friends, love yourself more than anyone else can and that way NO ONE can ever break your heart and have that type of control over how you feel about yourself
My husband and I will celebrate 20 years this month, and have always done a form of check ins. One more that I would add is. How is your physical health? Sometimes people don’t want to worry their partner, or they need a trip to the dentist and don’t want to spend the $,or they think oh it’s just a sore shoulder, it’s no big deal. It’s not a big deal, but a massage might help, prioritizing a trip to the dentist would help. Etc, etc… I love that you guys are speaking about healthy solid relationships. We definitely need more of them in the world.
I just want to say Thank you. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and have been married for almost a year. We have drifted apart, and both of us have shut down. I recently started watching your podcast and asked if he would listen with me, He said yes. After the first podcast, we talked for hours about what we wanted and how we could be better in our marriage. WE started the check-ins, and this has helped us both to open up. I have seen changes in both of us in such a short time. So again Thank You for showing that the acts of romance and intimacy are not just fictional stories and can be obtained with hard work. ❤
I listened to this podcast the other day on Spotify since I only recently found you guys on tiktok, and I instantly grabbed a pen and paper to take notes. My boyfriend and I have the best communication we've ever had in a relationship and I actually mentioned to him about giving this a try to strengthen our communication and our connection and he agreed to give it a try
I aspire to have even half the emotional intelligence the two of you have. Sincerely. First time binge listener, I’m sure I’ll be back with questions ❤
Letting things go ultimately leads to resentment and separation, i should know i let it happen and regret it, i look back and i actively let it happen every day knowing full well it would lead to our demise, i watch you guys alot and just want to express my gratitude for teaching me how to be a better person/partner for my future person, so thank- you guys.
Your podcast has meant alot to me. I just did the check in with my husband this past week. We got alot of things out in the open and we learned alot of things about each other we didnt even know. I can see a difference already in our relationship. I just wanted to say thank you. I dont know your guys email so I left a short comment here. Thank you so much for having this podcast.
I started following you guys on TikTok awhile back, I have since started to listen to the podcast. I’m in shock of how much I’ve let slide in my 10 year relationship, even though I’ve brought issues and problems up. I’m always dismissed, the tables turned around on me and he is always defensive and the victim. Im now seeing so much in a different light. My mind is blown away.
I just started watching yall from the beginning because I kept seeing you on facebook and finally decided to watch a full episode and you give me such great insight. You’ve helped me give myself the tools to become better. It also gave me some closure over past relationships. I appreciate yall and I hope you keep going cuz I’m going to watch them all!
I just got a chance to finish this and needed to say thank you. My partner and I just went through something where he said that he felt lied to because I kept out information about a situation in my life and as my partner, he should’ve been made aware. I didn’t understand why or how. I felt like I was saving him stress or worry as well as saving face and I needed to hear that omitting is part of lying. When ya know better, ya do better. Now I know it’s not okay AND it’s safe to have the hard conversations with him.
Hearing some if your hate mail just blows my mind. I personally am so thankful you are doing what you're doing. My fella and i were literally at the breaking point. He didnt want to try any of ny suggestions ( workbooks, other podcasts etc) i was listening to your as i cooked breakfast. Throughout it i slowly started hearing the bedroom tv get quieter and then finally no sound at all. What shifted his thinking. And we ended up sitting together watching you both for over two hours. We paused talked about things, we both were being accountable ( we've been playing the blane game for so long) So just THANK YOU. thank u for being real, thank you for being so easy for my A.D.D vrain to understand. You are appreciated. And thank you for not listening to the â** hats who just are sad in life that they feel the need to be ugly. Thank you both. Youre a beautiful couple and a gift. God bless
The amount of love you have for eachother and the amount of time you spend on checking in and making sure each of you feel loved is amazing. The worst part is , so many peoples excuse is they don’t have the time… with those questions and what not you could sit down in an hour and reconnect rather than an hour on tiktok or something. People don’t connect anymore and it’s so nice to see a strong couple stand up for people reconnecting and keeping loving relationships because your relationships die when you stop trying which no one tries anymore
I love the part about processing. I am glad you said that because I am the same way. I always joke that I need 5 to 10 business to process this and come back lol.
I’m 25 minutes in & had to comment now before I lost my thoughts.. I am SO excited to implement this in my relationship. I haven’t lived with a man since my sons father & I’m almost 2 years into a different relationship. We’re moving in together in a few months & he’s not much of a talker, especially after working long hours all week, but I feel like these questions will help us in merging our homes and lives & I think these conversations will go better face to face vs a phone call or text. He makes me a very selfless woman & brings great leadership to our relationship, where as before I was selfish because I had the alpha role and it brought resentment. I can’t wait to use these to be an even better me for us.
I started listening to your podcast yesterday. I think I'm on episode 6. I want to listen to most of them before I send yall an email just to make sure you didn't cover something similar to my situation. But I did send this episode to my wife as she is sitting downstairs, separate from me during our "together time" I hope she starts listing too without any more prompting from me. I try not to press her too much as she does deal with depression and I don't want to be over bearing to her when she needs to be alone. But her physical distance from me I take as an emotional distance, even though we are close and intimate at times. I want us to be closer. I hope this list is something we can implement to grow closer.
I’m pretty up to date on y’all’s podcasts, I also follow y’all on tiktok (that’s where I discovered you guys) I’m now starting from the beginning again and rewatching all of your podcasts. There’s always something extremely helpful that I missed the first time. I’m always sending my husband different TH-cam shorts or TikTok’s from yalls channel, and we also listen to y’all together as some of our decompress/chill time. I really just wanted to say thank you to you both. From listening to yalls podcasts and actually implementing some of the stuff, my marriage has gotten so much better and a lot stronger. Y’all are absolutely AMAZING! Please keep doing what you’re doing. I know there’s haters and assholes but I promise y’all help twice as many people. ❤ Thank y’all so incredibly much!
I don't have much to say I just watched to videos and am still learning about this had a friend talk to me about it and the conversations we had made me think and have this click. And I just wanted to say thank u. It is helping. And forget those people with the negative comments.
On the full honesty with my partner, absolutely. We have both told one another we expect full honesty from one another even if it may hurt our feelings in that moment. We both know we hurting our partner’s feelings wasn’t our intention, we are trying to get to the root of the problem so we can solve it together as a team. We have both said we would get more upset if we beat around the bush instead of being straightforward. Side note, your hair looks so pretty in this video Kris ❤ and your shirt is rad Chris!
Thank you for this podcast, my amazing women and I are taking notes and developing our check in and having in depth conversations to this podcast. We truly appreciate you both and relate so much to you guys. Much love keep up the great work.
At the moment when you talk about the baby hippo and how it is a moment of intimacy, I think perfectly describes "small talk." Which a lot of people claim to hate, but at the end of the day it's the small, quirky, "stupid" conversations that we remember the most. I love that shit
There needs to be merch that says “Dope Moments” or something. I journal through a lot of thoughts your podcast inspires, in an effort to reflect. It would be the cherry on top to have it be in a journal that says “Dope Moments”! 🤘🏽
I think people also forget that they can't compare themselves to others. Not everyone has the same starting point. My husband is so hard on himself all the time because he isn't where other people are at almost 50. He is a wonderful person who has overcome so much, and he doesn't take into account all the things he had to overcome just to get where others started. He has overcome childhood abuse, physical, sexual, and emotional, drug addiction, domestic abuse, grief and loss, and significant physical injury. I'm proud of him everyday; I wish he had the pride in himself. We have the healthiest relationship, which surprised everyone. We are dysfunctional people, but managed to figure out this marriage in a way that works for us.
I just started listening to the podcast playlist. Man have I got a far way to go. IDK how I'm gonna catch up. But. One thing I noticed. Is when he spoke about animosity and his animosity tat, and how long he's had it. And she said wow. I was like. She's still getting to know him even with everything. And I love that. Just thought I'd share that part. I need to get a notebook for these lessons
44:04 I don’t know we have a habitual phrase of him saying “Good Morning Sunshine” and it’s every day. It absolutely is routine and habitual but if I don’t hear it I feel off. It’s not life ending, of course, but it’s a minor little thing that I enjoy as part of our routine.
❤You guys are the shit. This is so easy to comprehend & your helpful advice is so relevant to my relationship. Hope you don’t listen too hard to those hateful comments. I think if hateful commenters listened to your discourse long enough, they would find themselves learning something new or getting upset because they don’t want to change negative behaviors you’ve called out in your podcast. I think the fragility/self justification of people harboring toxic behaviors is what ends up making them reject your ideas so harshly. Anyways, love the podcast 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Im not in a relationship...i have bpd which is in remission and im sitting here taking notes to add to my dbt skills so i can improve more and improve my relationships
I really like the perspective of pausing the conversation and processing it and coming back to it when needed. Sometimes my mind goes a million miles an hour in the heat of the moment and I can't articulate in my own head what I want to say let alone say it out loud. My husband tends to want to hash things out right away but I think I need to learn to just say let me process this and let's come back to it .
The concept of being safe in my relationship when expressing myself or working through concerns or even just feeling secure financially is why I left. And I’m so glad I did. I never felt truly heard and understood
😊 thank you to the both of you xoxo you 2 are truly the definition of true and deep love 100% inside and out completely 💖 that how my man and i are but thank u for helping us understand our self and each other more xoxo the book idea am definitely trying xo ❤❤ all the love from all the way in Queensland Australia 😊
I want to preface this by saying my spouse is my best friend. We have a good relationship however when I prompt check ins if I’m feeling far from him, his answers are one word responses. Then when I ask him could he elaborate it’s brushed off. So then when I answer a bit more at length it’s met with defensiveness even though I affirm appreciate and compliment him 90% of it. Not because of my delivery but because he simply doesn’t want to do the emotional work & says so. He says if it’s not broke don’t fix it. I don’t see it that way. I see it as investing in us. Should I just drop the check ins?
You said “spouse” so I assume you are you married? Sounds like some marriage counseling would be very helpful. There’s some red flags here from personal experience.
And unfortunately this is why I’m divorcing after 14 years. I’ve done mountains of work healing my trauma before and after him being in my life. But that was met by a brick wall and I did it on my own while I was having all the work I was doing being used against me. I still think he could have NPD and I’m borderpolar. It’s just too much of a mess, too much of me overcompensating, and too late to move past the insane level of scorn I have
I followed y'all on Tiktok at the start. I have recently been in some issues with in my marriage. We both have started following y'all because a lot of situations y'all have discussed we have been through in past relationships. Yall have helped us decide to work on US. We were on the verge of separating and possibly divorce. This is my second marriage. Thank you for sharing your opinions and incites on ways to approach things in a different perspective.
This! My new significant other told me about your podcast and this has changed my perspective so much. I love how honest and open and genuine it is. It's such a good tool for couples. I feel such a massive connection with her because we do check ins and I just wanted to say thank you for this tool.
Communication and especially understanding each others communication style is a huge hurdle for my partner and I. How do we learn each others style so that we can overcome this??? I feel like this has been answered I’m overlooking it
remember that comment about this podcast being better than joe rogan? yeahhhh I'd have to agree haha I love yall! yall speak such truth and purity that I wish more people could see!
Going off the habitual stuff, I work and my husband is a stay at home dad, we are both in school and very busy people. I make it a point every morning, to tell him I love him and I kiss him every morning and he makes it a point to tell me he loves me and to be careful. You can definitely tell when people say it to say it because it is routine. Telling them you love them because you mean it is so much more important than just saying it because you feel you have to.
Beginning of video- screw those people for that crap they’re saying because they are just miserable. Bitter people who are going to be miserable and bitter forever and you guys are amazing and just screw them what they have to say about you does not matter because they do not know you, and they don’t get how truly amazing you two are. You two help a lot of people, including myself.
I can’t wait to hear the rest of the podcast. Do you know know when you will be able to post the rest? Or is it posted somewhere else already? I apologize if it is. I just use TH-cam and Spotify.
Peaches I love the dark red dye you have in your hair, do you happen to know the brand and color name you used?? I like darker red like that but sometimes I have trouble picking the right shade! Thanks
I started yesterday asking my partner if we can brainstorm together for a bit. His response is soooo much different. Ive an ugly habit of repeating myself (cause i have adhd) and getting excited about my response i cant hold it in. So I am working on this!!!
OK had to pause when you said that you made you angry, my uncle used to do this thing where he would get really mad at me for really lame and dumb stuff and then would later apologize and be like “I’m sorry that I yelled at you but you just made me so angry.“ And I always knew that his apology was for show, and that in the end he was placing blame on me anyway which was completely disregarding accountability, even when I was like 12 years old, I knew that and I hated that because he always got praised and I wasn’t allowed to be mad anymore (not like I was ever allowed to be mad anyway but yeah)
38:29 I get so frustrated with my partner on date nights, I have to be the one planning them (or ask him to plan one). And when the time comes, I'm the only one dressing up and making myself look good for him. I make sure to wear nice dresses, do my hair the way he likes, put make-up on etc. We've spoken about it many times and I've told him how much I'd appreciate if he would just shave and put on a nicer shirt. I feel like a date is a chore for him instead of something he enjoys. Every other aspect of our relationship is amazing, it's just stupid shit about dates and taking care of yourself.
Me and my husband always make sure we tell each other we love each other before he leaves for work. However there is eye contact kissing and hugging. I never know when the last time I will see him will be and I want that to be the last thing we said to each other. It's not a habitual thing specifically it is 100% intentional, genuine, and full of love. Edit: he drives for work and I work at a carwash and people do not pay attention. I've been almost hit a few times so I can only imagine what it is like for him day to day
We had our fist check in last night and I'm worried we might have messed up somewhere. I've seen where people talk about theirs taking hours and them having full on breakdowns. Ours like 30 minutes. No break downs. It seemed as though he wanted to just push through the questions and "get it over with". Said he hates being asked a lot of questions because of his childhood. We are 27 and 29. I feel like we should be past that excuse at our age.
I don't necessarily say it out of habit I say it because 1 that's how I feel and 2 I'm scared that if he leaves that day to go to work and dies the last thing I told him was that I loved him.
I understand the I love you becoming habitual but in my family we have always said it on the way out of the door so that if that person gets in a car accident and dies the last thing I said to them was I love you. Because we have had family members get in bad accidents and one did die.
I've recently come across your podcasts, wow, you're communication levels are off the charts! I'm literally taking notes, I'm learning so much! Thank-you!
OK this is probably a longshot, but I know I’ll forget later, so if anybody sees this, could y’all like just like reply to remind me to send an email later cause I just thought of something that I really need to email about but I’m at work so I can’t so like just like reply and remind me please if you see it thanks.
![30 ชั่วโมงคนเดียว บนรถไฟชั้น 3 โซเวียต [Around The World Ep. 2]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/MlE9boAVqDA/mqdefault.jpg)
The check in/report card.
The Main questions
-How is your mental health?
-How am I doing as your partner?
-What can I do to be better as your partner?
-What did I drop the ball on this week?
-What did I do exceptionally well this week?
Bonus Questions
How am I doing at meeting your emotional intimacy needs?
How would you rate our sex life on a scale of 1-10?
Are you still happy with the division of housework?
Do you still feel safe with me?
What is something we should do that we haven't?
Things to remember.
If you havent set boundaries/expectations in your relationship this could be a good time to do so. If you have set boundaries this can be a great time to make sure that both of you have the same definitions of the boundaries that are set.
Avoid phrases like “You never” or “You always” these come across as combative and can be used in manipulative ways.
Try to engage your partner with questions instead of making statements. Statements trigger a feeling of judgment where questions engage curiosity. Things like “Do you have a minute” Vs “We need to talk”
Listen to understand. Not to respond. Allow your partner to complete their thought process before speaking. Work on giving a pause to think before you speak. Empathize and validate what they are saying instead of just responding. This will help make them feel heard and if you arent sure what they are saying repeat what you heard back and make sure you have it before giving a response.
The most important thing in a conversation is hearing what isnt being said. Really pay attention to tone, inflection and body language.
Use and instead of but. It doesn’t matter what you say before a BUT. the moment you drop that everything prior is negated and people will only focus on the negative that follows.
Start paying attention to your partners requests for connection. This can come from something as simple as going hey check out that whatever. To get you to look. Engage with them over it. Talk to them. That attention is being requested. They want to connect with you again. Ignoring these requests or not giving them enough attention can slowly become the downfall of a relationship and you will find yourself failing or in the room mate phase.
How often do you recognize and validate the positive things in your partner. The small trivial things that people over look and take for granted because that is what your life has become. Simple positive affirmations can make them feel validated, appreciated and seen.
People love to “Match energies”. So when someone is giving us the silent treatment. We give it back. Attitude thrown at us gets thrown back. We mirror. Why are you trying to do the same thing with your love?
Where is the video about reclaiming intimacy? I am having trouble finding it.
@@garrettfesta3519This *IS* how the intimacy is reclaimed, brother. During check-ins, it’s a time where you have the other person’s undivided attention. That, alone, is meant to create a more intimate setting. If she’s sitting in your lap, even better! The key is to make eye contact, and listen, *truly listen* to each other. Hear, and process what they’re saying. If you’re both doing that, it doesn’t get much more intimate than that, except for when the clothes come off. lol
Very helpful
I am 20 turning 21 years old and this content is teaching me the life, emotional, and social awareness my parents couldn't give. It's helping me in my relationships and work life. Thank you ♡
It blows my mind people say you guys are in a “toxic relationship.” Both of you are clearly intoxicated and in love with each other sooooo much! It’s so heart warming and meaningful to me. Everyone deserves the love and understanding you two have for each other.
My husband and I are working on repairing our marriage, and he is using this specific podcast to help himself. THANK YOU. WE LOVE YOU GUYS
Even though I don’t have a significant other right now I have decided to do something for myself based off your video and what you guys do I bought myself a new cute notebook and some colorful pens and some different kind of pens because I am addicted to those lol I can never have enough. I have started a check in report card with myself each week I asked myself what I thought I did great, what I need to improve on, And what I could do to improve just like you guys and your check ins. I have also made a rule that for everything bad I must say three positive things or three things I’m grateful for so each time I find myself complaining to somebody or find myself complaining too much in my journal I must say three things I’m grateful for in hopes that I am working towards a more positive outlook
what a brilliant idea. thank you for sharing. stranger to stranger, i am so proud of you.
Very good idea! I might steal it myself for my man! He needs to reflect on him self in a healthy positive way like that too. Good thinking!
Good for you!!! That’s awesome, I do the 3 positive words with my stepkids or used to do it more when negative words were used more. I didn’t like them putting themselves down or others down for whatever reason (I know the reason but trying to make a positive difference in their lives) it’s beneficial to love themselves or love yourself. I’ve said that to friends, love yourself more than anyone else can and that way NO ONE can ever break your heart and have that type of control over how you feel about yourself
My husband and I will celebrate 20 years this month, and have always done a form of check ins. One more that I would add is. How is your physical health? Sometimes people don’t want to worry their partner, or they need a trip to the dentist and don’t want to spend the $,or they think oh it’s just a sore shoulder, it’s no big deal. It’s not a big deal, but a massage might help, prioritizing a trip to the dentist would help. Etc, etc…
I love that you guys are speaking about healthy solid relationships. We definitely need more of them in the world.
I just want to say Thank you. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and have been married for almost a year. We have drifted apart, and both of us have shut down. I recently started watching your podcast and asked if he would listen with me, He said yes. After the first podcast, we talked for hours about what we wanted and how we could be better in our marriage. WE started the check-ins, and this has helped us both to open up.
I have seen changes in both of us in such a short time.
So again Thank You for showing that the acts of romance and intimacy are not just fictional stories and can be obtained with hard work. ❤
I listened to this podcast the other day on Spotify since I only recently found you guys on tiktok, and I instantly grabbed a pen and paper to take notes. My boyfriend and I have the best communication we've ever had in a relationship and I actually mentioned to him about giving this a try to strengthen our communication and our connection and he agreed to give it a try
It'd be fun to hear you guys talk about love languages.
Her smile!!! When you said that.... she got flustered! Thats so dope!!!
I aspire to have even half the emotional intelligence the two of you have. Sincerely.
First time binge listener, I’m sure I’ll be back with questions ❤
I admire your approach and the devotion that you two have for each other is wonderful to see.
Letting things go ultimately leads to resentment and separation, i should know i let it happen and regret it, i look back and i actively let it happen every day knowing full well it would lead to our demise, i watch you guys alot and just want to express my gratitude for teaching me how to be a better person/partner for my future person, so thank- you guys.
Your podcast has meant alot to me. I just did the check in with my husband this past week. We got alot of things out in the open and we learned alot of things about each other we didnt even know. I can see a difference already in our relationship. I just wanted to say thank you. I dont know your guys email so I left a short comment here. Thank you so much for having this podcast.
I started following you guys on TikTok awhile back, I have since started to listen to the podcast. I’m in shock of how much I’ve let slide in my 10 year relationship, even though I’ve brought issues and problems up. I’m always dismissed, the tables turned around on me and he is always defensive and the victim. Im now seeing so much in a different light. My mind is blown away.
I just started watching yall from the beginning because I kept seeing you on facebook and finally decided to watch a full episode and you give me such great insight. You’ve helped me give myself the tools to become better. It also gave me some closure over past relationships. I appreciate yall and I hope you keep going cuz I’m going to watch them all!
I just got a chance to finish this and needed to say thank you. My partner and I just went through something where he said that he felt lied to because I kept out information about a situation in my life and as my partner, he should’ve been made aware. I didn’t understand why or how. I felt like I was saving him stress or worry as well as saving face and I needed to hear that omitting is part of lying. When ya know better, ya do better. Now I know it’s not okay AND it’s safe to have the hard conversations with him.
Hearing some if your hate mail just blows my mind. I personally am so thankful you are doing what you're doing. My fella and i were literally at the breaking point. He didnt want to try any of ny suggestions ( workbooks, other podcasts etc) i was listening to your as i cooked breakfast. Throughout it i slowly started hearing the bedroom tv get quieter and then finally no sound at all. What shifted his thinking. And we ended up sitting together watching you both for over two hours. We paused talked about things, we both were being accountable ( we've been playing the blane game for so long) So just THANK YOU. thank u for being real, thank you for being so easy for my A.D.D vrain to understand. You are appreciated. And thank you for not listening to the â** hats who just are sad in life that they feel the need to be ugly. Thank you both. Youre a beautiful couple and a gift. God bless
Thanks for making a PDF!! You two are changing lives, so happy I found you.
The amount of love you have for eachother and the amount of time you spend on checking in and making sure each of you feel loved is amazing. The worst part is , so many peoples excuse is they don’t have the time… with those questions and what not you could sit down in an hour and reconnect rather than an hour on tiktok or something. People don’t connect anymore and it’s so nice to see a strong couple stand up for people reconnecting and keeping loving relationships because your relationships die when you stop trying which no one tries anymore
I am currently watching your podcast episodes and I am in awe of the relationship you guys have.
I love the part about processing. I am glad you said that because I am the same way. I always joke that I need 5 to 10 business to process this and come back lol.
I’m 25 minutes in & had to comment now before I lost my thoughts.. I am SO excited to implement this in my relationship. I haven’t lived with a man since my sons father & I’m almost 2 years into a different relationship. We’re moving in together in a few months & he’s not much of a talker, especially after working long hours all week, but I feel like these questions will help us in merging our homes and lives & I think these conversations will go better face to face vs a phone call or text. He makes me a very selfless woman & brings great leadership to our relationship, where as before I was selfish because I had the alpha role and it brought resentment. I can’t wait to use these to be an even better me for us.
I started listening to your podcast yesterday. I think I'm on episode 6. I want to listen to most of them before I send yall an email just to make sure you didn't cover something similar to my situation. But I did send this episode to my wife as she is sitting downstairs, separate from me during our "together time" I hope she starts listing too without any more prompting from me. I try not to press her too much as she does deal with depression and I don't want to be over bearing to her when she needs to be alone. But her physical distance from me I take as an emotional distance, even though we are close and intimate at times. I want us to be closer. I hope this list is something we can implement to grow closer.
Listen to understand, not talk to be understood. That has been a life changing quote for me.
I’m pretty up to date on y’all’s podcasts, I also follow y’all on tiktok (that’s where I discovered you guys)
I’m now starting from the beginning again and rewatching all of your podcasts. There’s always something extremely helpful that I missed the first time. I’m always sending my husband different TH-cam shorts or TikTok’s from yalls channel, and we also listen to y’all together as some of our decompress/chill time.
I really just wanted to say thank you to you both. From listening to yalls podcasts and actually implementing some of the stuff, my marriage has gotten so much better and a lot stronger. Y’all are absolutely AMAZING! Please keep doing what you’re doing. I know there’s haters and assholes but I promise y’all help twice as many people. ❤ Thank y’all so incredibly much!
The amount of times I've rewatched this video, and learned something new or reminded myself of things, is crazy
I don't have much to say I just watched to videos and am still learning about this had a friend talk to me about it and the conversations we had made me think and have this click. And I just wanted to say thank u. It is helping. And forget those people with the negative comments.
On the full honesty with my partner, absolutely. We have both told one another we expect full honesty from one another even if it may hurt our feelings in that moment. We both know we hurting our partner’s feelings wasn’t our intention, we are trying to get to the root of the problem so we can solve it together as a team. We have both said we would get more upset if we beat around the bush instead of being straightforward.
Side note, your hair looks so pretty in this video Kris ❤ and your shirt is rad Chris!
Thank you for this podcast, my amazing women and I are taking notes and developing our check in and having in depth conversations to this podcast. We truly appreciate you both and relate so much to you guys. Much love keep up the great work.
Watching all ur videos I’ve realized I have not been a good partner and I want to be better with the help of these videos
This episode is absolutely beautiful
I absolutely love your podcast! You two are definitely couples goals!! Continue to be beyond blessed!!
You both are great! I learn so much every time I listen.
Going to be incorporating this into my next check in. Love you guys. You really helped me out today. Thank you.
Hey guys! I have been enjoying your podcasts for the past month or so. I really enjoy hearing your conversations so thank you for the content.
At the moment when you talk about the baby hippo and how it is a moment of intimacy, I think perfectly describes "small talk." Which a lot of people claim to hate, but at the end of the day it's the small, quirky, "stupid" conversations that we remember the most. I love that shit
There needs to be merch that says “Dope Moments” or something.
I journal through a lot of thoughts your podcast inspires, in an effort to reflect. It would be the cherry on top to have it be in a journal that says “Dope Moments”! 🤘🏽
This is going to be required listening for my kids
Me over here with my pen and notepad, taking notes 😂 no but seriously this is all really helpful. You guys are amazing.
I think people also forget that they can't compare themselves to others. Not everyone has the same starting point. My husband is so hard on himself all the time because he isn't where other people are at almost 50. He is a wonderful person who has overcome so much, and he doesn't take into account all the things he had to overcome just to get where others started. He has overcome childhood abuse, physical, sexual, and emotional, drug addiction, domestic abuse, grief and loss, and significant physical injury. I'm proud of him everyday; I wish he had the pride in himself. We have the healthiest relationship, which surprised everyone. We are dysfunctional people, but managed to figure out this marriage in a way that works for us.
I just started listening to the podcast playlist. Man have I got a far way to go. IDK how I'm gonna catch up. But. One thing I noticed. Is when he spoke about animosity and his animosity tat, and how long he's had it. And she said wow. I was like. She's still getting to know him even with everything. And I love that. Just thought I'd share that part. I need to get a notebook for these lessons
love the tattoos and appreciate you both being real!! need more of this
44:04 I don’t know we have a habitual phrase of him saying “Good Morning Sunshine” and it’s every day. It absolutely is routine and habitual but if I don’t hear it I feel off. It’s not life ending, of course, but it’s a minor little thing that I enjoy as part of our routine.
That’s beautiful
❤You guys are the shit. This is so easy to comprehend & your helpful advice is so relevant to my relationship. Hope you don’t listen too hard to those hateful comments. I think if hateful commenters listened to your discourse long enough, they would find themselves learning something new or getting upset because they don’t want to change negative behaviors you’ve called out in your podcast. I think the fragility/self justification of people harboring toxic behaviors is what ends up making them reject your ideas so harshly. Anyways, love the podcast 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Im not in a relationship...i have bpd which is in remission and im sitting here taking notes to add to my dbt skills so i can improve more and improve my relationships
I really like the perspective of pausing the conversation and processing it and coming back to it when needed. Sometimes my mind goes a million miles an hour in the heat of the moment and I can't articulate in my own head what I want to say let alone say it out loud. My husband tends to want to hash things out right away but I think I need to learn to just say let me process this and let's come back to it .
The check in/report card has SAVED my marriage. Thank you guys for everything.
Loved this. Love all you guys content. You both have made me see things about myself I want 2 be better at. You guys are great
The concept of being safe in my relationship when expressing myself or working through concerns or even just feeling secure financially is why I left. And I’m so glad I did. I never felt truly heard and understood
Damn I do that “how can I make it sexy” thing all the time 😂 thought I was just weird
😊 thank you to the both of you xoxo you 2 are truly the definition of true and deep love 100% inside and out completely 💖 that how my man and i are but thank u for helping us understand our self and each other more xoxo the book idea am definitely trying xo ❤❤ all the love from all the way in Queensland Australia 😊
I want to preface this by saying my spouse is my best friend. We have a good relationship however when I prompt check ins if I’m feeling far from him, his answers are one word responses. Then when I ask him could he elaborate it’s brushed off. So then when I answer a bit more at length it’s met with defensiveness even though I affirm appreciate and compliment him 90% of it. Not because of my delivery but because he simply doesn’t want to do the emotional work & says so. He says if it’s not broke don’t fix it. I don’t see it that way. I see it as investing in us. Should I just drop the check ins?
You said “spouse” so I assume you are you married? Sounds like some marriage counseling would be very helpful. There’s some red flags here from personal experience.
And unfortunately this is why I’m divorcing after 14 years. I’ve done mountains of work healing my trauma before and after him being in my life. But that was met by a brick wall and I did it on my own while I was having all the work I was doing being used against me. I still think he could have NPD and I’m borderpolar. It’s just too much of a mess, too much of me overcompensating, and too late to move past the insane level of scorn I have
I followed y'all on Tiktok at the start. I have recently been in some issues with in my marriage. We both have started following y'all because a lot of situations y'all have discussed we have been through in past relationships. Yall have helped us decide to work on US. We were on the verge of separating and possibly divorce. This is my second marriage. Thank you for sharing your opinions and incites on ways to approach things in a different perspective.
Hell yes. It’s not easy to do the work. But I’m glad you’re doing it!
This! My new significant other told me about your podcast and this has changed my perspective so much. I love how honest and open and genuine it is. It's such a good tool for couples. I feel such a massive connection with her because we do check ins and I just wanted to say thank you for this tool.
Hind sight 20/20 for that one and ouch! The "habitual I love you" portion at the end made my heart drop
Communication and especially understanding each others communication style is a huge hurdle for my partner and I. How do we learn each others style so that we can overcome this??? I feel like this has been answered I’m overlooking it
remember that comment about this podcast being better than joe rogan? yeahhhh I'd have to agree haha I love yall! yall speak such truth and purity that I wish more people could see!
Thanks!
Oh man if i dont get a kiss and I love you before he leaves to go anywhere especially before work it throws my whole day off!!!!
it took my dyslexic ass months to write an email sent then week later i found this video and the download page. im so behind on the podcasts.
I am just getting into your stuff, and it is amazing! But my main question is where the heck did you get your shirt?
Going off the habitual stuff, I work and my husband is a stay at home dad, we are both in school and very busy people. I make it a point every morning, to tell him I love him and I kiss him every morning and he makes it a point to tell me he loves me and to be careful. You can definitely tell when people say it to say it because it is routine. Telling them you love them because you mean it is so much more important than just saying it because you feel you have to.
I sent this video to my husband hopefully to start a conversation ya that didn't go well he said he feels like I'm attacking him
Beginning of video- screw those people for that crap they’re saying because they are just miserable. Bitter people who are going to be miserable and bitter forever and you guys are amazing and just screw them what they have to say about you does not matter because they do not know you, and they don’t get how truly amazing you two are. You two help a lot of people, including myself.
I can’t wait to hear the rest of the podcast. Do you know know when you will be able to post the rest? Or is it posted somewhere else already? I apologize if it is. I just use TH-cam and Spotify.
It all goes live at 6am tomorrow.
Does anyone know if they have a short about this? I'd love to share this with my husband, but I'd love a shorter version to start with.
Delivery is everything!!!
My partner and i have broken our communication trust on both ends. How do we come back from that to be able to do these check ins?
Don't mind the trolls!!! I'm not fond of tattoos, yet I will take you serious any day of the week. I don't see the tattoos, I see the person!
Peaches I love the dark red dye you have in your hair, do you happen to know the brand and color name you used?? I like darker red like that but sometimes I have trouble picking the right shade! Thanks
I like that Chris will be in the defensive for women and peaches is in the defensive for men
I started yesterday asking my partner if we can brainstorm together for a bit. His response is soooo much different. Ive an ugly habit of repeating myself (cause i have adhd) and getting excited about my response i cant hold it in. So I am working on this!!!
With the timer it helped.
With the report card it was so different.
OK had to pause when you said that you made you angry, my uncle used to do this thing where he would get really mad at me for really lame and dumb stuff and then would later apologize and be like “I’m sorry that I yelled at you but you just made me so angry.“ And I always knew that his apology was for show, and that in the end he was placing blame on me anyway which was completely disregarding accountability, even when I was like 12 years old, I knew that and I hated that because he always got praised and I wasn’t allowed to be mad anymore (not like I was ever allowed to be mad anyway but yeah)
Thank you for this 🙌
38:29 I get so frustrated with my partner on date nights, I have to be the one planning them (or ask him to plan one). And when the time comes, I'm the only one dressing up and making myself look good for him. I make sure to wear nice dresses, do my hair the way he likes, put make-up on etc. We've spoken about it many times and I've told him how much I'd appreciate if he would just shave and put on a nicer shirt. I feel like a date is a chore for him instead of something he enjoys.
Every other aspect of our relationship is amazing, it's just stupid shit about dates and taking care of yourself.
Go suit shopping with him as a date make him model for you
Things have gotten better with time .... like fine wine ...
As long as you do the work
Do you guys have a book list of relationship book you would recommend
Me and my husband always make sure we tell each other we love each other before he leaves for work. However there is eye contact kissing and hugging. I never know when the last time I will see him will be and I want that to be the last thing we said to each other. It's not a habitual thing specifically it is 100% intentional, genuine, and full of love.
Edit: he drives for work and I work at a carwash and people do not pay attention. I've been almost hit a few times so I can only imagine what it is like for him day to day
We had our fist check in last night and I'm worried we might have messed up somewhere. I've seen where people talk about theirs taking hours and them having full on breakdowns. Ours like 30 minutes. No break downs. It seemed as though he wanted to just push through the questions and "get it over with". Said he hates being asked a lot of questions because of his childhood. We are 27 and 29. I feel like we should be past that excuse at our age.
ANIMOSITY is also a good Metal band
Where can I get that T shirts Chris
I don't necessarily say it out of habit I say it because 1 that's how I feel and 2 I'm scared that if he leaves that day to go to work and dies the last thing I told him was that I loved him.
I understand the I love you becoming habitual but in my family we have always said it on the way out of the door so that if that person gets in a car accident and dies the last thing I said to them was I love you. Because we have had family members get in bad accidents and one did die.
I want a link to the self help link on patron
People on the internet also can be key board warriors...
Boom! Misery loves company! If you're miserable, dueces!
Bro, the way she looks at you tells me everything. 14:55
Do you guys have a video about body language?
great
I do not feel safe 😞
I'm sorry people are shitting on you. Know that you are loved by lots more than the hate
Misery loves company
I've recently come across your podcasts, wow, you're communication levels are off the charts! I'm literally taking notes, I'm learning so much! Thank-you!
OK this is probably a longshot, but I know I’ll forget later, so if anybody sees this, could y’all like just like reply to remind me to send an email later cause I just thought of something that I really need to email about but I’m at work so I can’t so like just like reply and remind me please if you see it thanks.
I'm watching this now and spotted your comment, I may be 10 months late but send the email!
@@Obiek91 lol I may have sent it but honestly I don’t even remember what I wanted to send so idk lol