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I was in and out of therapist's office since I was 21. I'm 74.

If I had been diagnosed with autism as a child in the 1950's, I would have been institutionalized all my life.

So much to relate to here, Karen. I've had two or three 'best friends' in my life though I've never been someone else's best friend. I could never work out why this has never been reciprocal until I realised I was autistic.

OMG!!! I never ask questions and I always start with talking about myself, while also overexplaining most of what i say. I never understood why I do that and why I'm so uncomfortable asking. Its an opener! Wow, thank you! I can explain it to people now that I know. People always assume I only want to talk about myself, and I get confused why they don't add anything to the conversation. Makes sense now! Im not diagnosed, but I relate to so many autistic experiences Ive been hearing about, early childhood too. I still remember everything since then.

And… a few months go by and I’m slipping into imposter mode again. If anything, I’m more “autistic” because it feels so natural. Thank you for the refresher.

Like neurotypical people have to go though this to prove themselves 🙄

Wow I have an almost identical background to yours it seems and I could have written this as far as what you struggle with word for word for myself. Thank you for sharing it is good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with these things

Very helpful. Explains alot. Thank you

God allowed the manifestation of autism to break down pride in others and to manifest the weaknesses of so called “neurotypical” communication in the general condition of the weakness of human communication. In my autistic opinion, I think this is a good thing. I know in conversations I have always been an annoyer or a disruptor of a group conversation without trying and regularly berated for it. it was always difficult to know. I was an outsider when it came to group conversation and I’ve learned how difficult it is for me to have one on one conversations with people and have them understand me at all, especially when I’m brutally honest in their opinion cause I don’t like beating around the bush when it comes to getting a point across that is important to get across. Communication with customers in my trade, which is HVAC work, is exceptionally challenging. My supervisor and others are regularly telling me, “ You can’t say this you can’t say that. “And afterwards I guess I understand I say, I understand, but I don’t think I really understand. All I understand is they need to understand the truth and this is what it costs and this is what it’s gonna take and I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. Which is what I think my employer wants me to do. I don’t see things to the customer like you’re an idiot or anything for not taking better care of your equipment . I just tell him straight out this happened because this maintenance didn’t get done or something else that would probably come across as offensive to the customer when I’m really just telling the truth this is why I gave that opening statement because I really believe that God put autistic people on earth earth two let everybody else know how dishonest and prideful they are. And that’s not to say that I’m not dishonest or prideful but I’m just saying I think that’s what it is among many other thing I probably don’t yet understand.

God allowed the manifestation of autism to break down pride in others and to manifest the weaknesses of so called “neurotypical” communication in the general condition of the weakness of human communication.

I'm self diagnosed currently as AuDHD and I related to so much of this. Even the things I felt were different helped me understand better the ways in which my autism/ADHD has presented in my past. I'm working with an autistic therapist who specializes in autism and hopefully I can make my way to a full diagnosis. Thank you so much for this, it's very validating to hear your experiences and thoughts.

I can’t eat pears. The textur of the frut is so gross to me that, just thinking about it makes my skin cral.(I am also dysleksik. Sorry for my bad writing)

Thank you! Note: a therapist might make you stay and make you question yourself, too. One of mine Said: "oh but you've got so much of him because not everyone would stay at your side with those depressions!" and an other one said: "well, that's how men are and you should maybe lower your expectations!"

This is so good, thank you 🩷

Thanks, Karen. 💖 I had a similar experience with just an online group moderator that traumatized me so badly I was in weekly therapy for a year working on being able to sleep, etc. I'm still in therapy 3 years later, but I'm down to monthly.

It takes courage to share these deeply personal experiences. Thank you!

Growing up I was told off so many times for the way I communicated! I wasn't called a narcissist but I was called self centred/egocentric. And I was forced out of my comfort zone too much and too often. At this point, I can't deal with stress any more, it messes me up and gets me so tired. But these days I do my own thing and take rest when I need to. Trying to raise an autistic child to be 'neurotypical' is usually counterproductive in the long run. It's damaging! Solution is: make ourselves heard, explain our perspective and there is nothing wrong with us!

Funny those cactusses in the background, talking about workplaceperception😊

Thank you. I just relived my old marriage in this video. 😅

I am level one autistic. My father was also autistic, and my mother was a covert narcissist. One of my children is autistic, and in a relationship with a narcissist. I went no contact with my mother for the last ten years of her life. I was finally free of her abuse.

Your not Autistic 😂 your just socially awkward lol Gen Z and their labels

Under autism evaluation at 47 y/o and I resonate 💯 with all of this.

With covert, ie mid-range Narcissists, it's all even more invisible. I hate compliments, for example, so my last Ex didn't lovebomb. Nevertheless, he agreed on so many things with me and was so nice in the beginning that I felt like he's my soulmate in just two weeks

Thank you so much for sharing. I was in a relationship with someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder for several years, so I know this all too well. Now, I’ve recently gone through another breakup, and only two years later did I realize that my girlfriend most likely had undiagnosed autism. She displayed a large number of the typical symptoms, and this realization has helped me understand a lot... For instance, why she constantly complained that I wasn’t touching her at all, even though I was. I feel sad that I only figured this out after she broke up with me, and I can’t tell her anymore. After all of this, I’ve realized that the cruel way she ended our relationship, and the relationship itself-which was otherwise very beautiful-was very similar to what I experienced with borderline personality disorder. The classic devaluation, triangulation, and discard. Object constancy played a big role in this as well. Her childhood was also very difficult, with both parents having personality disorders. Now I’m confused because I don’t know if it was all due to misunderstandings in communication caused by autism, which I was unaware of, or if BPD might have been a factor that I didn’t recognize.

Mam prawdopodobnie ASD. Podobają mi się kaktusy, które masz na komodzie, też je lubię i mam ich kilka. Niestety słabo znam angielski i ciężko odnieść mi się do treści Twojego filmu.

Hi Karen, this was such a great overview because you basically covered everything-- very comprehensive. And I can definitely say that you nailed it, because I have experienced all of this at one time or another.

I went from my toxic mother to ex-husband to now being alone which is great peace; I long for companionship. Therapy helps some but I feel frustrated w their lack of understanding me. Empty platitudes more than *support*. Your videos are better therapy than any therapist I’ve ever had. Soul relief to know I’m not alone!!! Just wish I could find a friend irl 😢 Thank you! ❤ You and a few other autistic youtubers have literally saved my life in 2024

Some people are just self-absorbed and oblivious. So you may spend time “taking care” of them thinking they will do the same for you or at the very least appreciate. It isn’t always overt abuse or manipulation. But sometimes trying to meet needs with a selfish or otherwise the wrong person. Yet friendship may seem so scarce to us that we fear to lose being a butler or crutch.

This is such a thoughtful and important video

Lots of autistic children have narc parents. Why?!

I figure that if I have to guess on what the message is, I have a right to guess wrong.

As an autistic woman in GEnx , it's terrible. If you didn't " line up " ( catholic , NAvy kids ) and " stop fidgeting " you were slapped , pinched , detention , extra chores . Punished for being you . I was adopted and " othered " from the get go . The expectations and sensory overload and pain ( trygyminal neuralgia) coupled with "consequences" , yikes man !

Brilliant video. Thank you! 🙏🏻 I had two of these kinds of relationships. And for a long time I thought they were normal, that suffering in love is normal. Luckily, I learned my lesson at least when it comes to intimate relationships. Friendships however, I’m still learning at 43. 😅

She is labeling a relationship toxic. As if it existing is the problem rather than "how" it exists. It's something psychologists will correct on about 40 years when it's all rebranded. Like primal scream therapy or revirthing therapy or rudimentary electroshock therapy without anesthesia for everything or needless lobectomies still practiced in some parts of the world that historically targeted women and minorities or even people who there was no way it would help... just because it was a trend. Now we live in a world where everyone follows tik-tok trends. Be careful. Yes I survived being abused by a diagnosed narcissist with tark traits and other things... but even my ex who could be quite evil... was still a human being with value, even of I can't trust her. Sometimes our reactions are even more toxic than the original injury. Don't become what you are against. Just do better. And some relationships can be made better. Mine was irreparable because she chose that route and maybe couldn't change but at least she is better off than when I found her. A lot of damaged people need a lifeguard, but throw jn a life preserver... don't go all in and put yourself at risk for someone who is either limited in their ability to reciprocate in ways that are healthy or maybe they just don't care... but your injury makes the scenario bad for you and it does not necessarily make them a "toxic person" which is itself a dehumanizing word and not helpful to a damaged or abusive relationship. The reasons to leave are to save yourself from participating either as a targeted person, an enabler, or a participant if you can't avoid it or don't have the resources to prevent it or recover.

My friend has just come out of a very long-lasting relationship with a narcissist, and all her friends and cousins (me included) had been telling her for years that she should leave him or asking why she would tolerate his behavior, but she just kinda smiled, and we assumed that maybe it wasn't as bad as it looked, and only when the relationship ended she told us that she had major brain fog when she was dating him. She couldn't remember many of the bad situations that we could remember, as if her brain had refused to acknowledge them ever happening in the first place (no substances were included). It was scary to listen to her.

Another issue not mentioned here is that many autistic people are taught from an early age not to trust their own instincts. This causes so many problems!

I’m autistic and extremely socially anxious but I learned how to be polite and respecful im my introversion. I am also extremely gullible and naive despite having university level knowledge on healthy va non healthy emotionally abusive patterns. I have only been in abusive relationships so at this point I am giving up on seeking a relationship to protect myself from abusive relationships.

❤️thank you for all of this clarity and your suggestions!

I wish I knew all this in my dating days.

Karen, this is a masterpiece! It describes a few of my worst relationships where I was getting used.

I don’t think that ‘love-bombing’ is a useful concept or term. What you describe with your ex is him coming on too strong early on. There is usually at least a slight imbalance in how much each person likes the other. If you wanted to go slower, you needed to say that. His desire to have you meet his family, etc. very quickly was a clear sign of his interest, and it’s either welcome or excessive -- only you can decide that. What people are usually getting at with the term is someone manipulating you by being nice and loving. That’s quite an evil concept. Niceness and love are good. What’s bad is if it *stops* or if there is clear evidence of it not being genuine in some way. I see lots of examples of people saying ‘He’s love-bombing me!’ or ‘Watch out for him love-boming you!’ and it’s literally just a guy being a decent boyfriend for once. There is nothing inherently wrong with him getting you flowers and being attentive to your needs. Sure, be aware that the level of effort might be unsustainable, in which case you can ask whether he always sweeps partners off their feet but perhaps has trouble maintaining that for months or years. But would someone who never sweeps you off your feet and goes straight into ‘mediocre hubby of ten years’ mode be necessarily be better?

Karen, this was so helpful. I am grieving all of the relationships that I’ve had where I didn’t listen to the Voice saying that something wasn’t right. Giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing words and not actions. Literal and hopeful thinking. Never again! This episode was an absolute gem! I’ve already passed it on and love and prayers to all of you who watched it and Have been through this. I call for a support group!

Very thorough. I have an extremely small support network so I take things very slowly. It appears you get more toxic people in same sex relationships but I see plenty in straight couples too. I think relationships take work and that's something you both need to do. Never be in a rush to live with someone there's nothing wrong with having your very own space.

yes, very relatable but I don't use the word autistic as it's incorrect in describing neurodivergence and it's a straight put down for us while I will point out neurotypicals should be studied....

Great topic, and I liked hearing your perspective on these types of relationships. Oh yeah, I've had so many of these relationships in my life (romantic as well as friends). It's only in the past couple years I have learned what a narcissist is, and why I was such an easy target (being autistic, as well as a very abusive family growing up, especially my mother). I am learning what my boundaries are, and how to hold them in different types of situations. Also learning that I can say "No", and I am not obligated to give anyone my time or attention if I don't want to.

Thank you so much for this Karen! 28 year old man here. Diagnosed with autism towards the middle of last year. Came out of a four year relationship with who I thought was the love of my life after my therapist pointed out that I was being manipulated and abused. She was telling me things were great but my gut was off. I believe she was a covert narcissist and realising how things really were has been the most mind-bending and painful experience.

Great and important video-thanks Karen.

Perfect. I needed this today. I'm stuck in one of those relationships and it's miserable.

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