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The trauma response is exhausting. I’m so over it. It hits sometimes without warning. After dealing with it, I need a nap

I love how kind and compassionate you guys are…

Mine rages. 4x now and he won't talk about anything. Just blows up and walks away. I'm hopeless.

so what if he's not committed, and you have kids... then what!?

Thank you both for validating and saying what me, as a betrayed for 10 years, is screaming inside of me.

I am starting to suspect my husband may have BPD. He is Jekyll and Hyde, and often can only regulate by using marijuana (chronic smoker for 30 years). Any thoughts, on if this could be a possibility? I am scared to bring it up to him. And doubt he would even go in for an evaluation. But the emotional volatility of never knowing which version we will get is so difficult to live with. 😢

Online women, only fans..secrets. I've had two years of this hell. No sex, he goes online, uses different names, talk about fantasy! Please do a segment on this.

I’ve been unfaithful to my husband. I had an affair with my ex for 6 years. I had sex with him once but kept him around even though there was no longer any sexual contact. None the less it was still wrong. I’ve avoided the hard conversations with my husband even though we have had arguments & conversations. I’ve ended up compulsively lying to him once he found out everything I had done. Now that I am being honest & transparent he’s now had enough of my shit. I need help learning to talk to my husband as I do not want to separate from the only man who has been his best to help me . I constantly get angry & lash out and lose myself in my emotions and end up lying all over again.

So how do you get the wayward to do those things without giving them that option to blame you

Am I the only one whose husband has zero interest in any of this? It's been 5 years since d day and he stopped the behaviors but has no interest in healing himself or caring for me.

I ugly cry through all your videos! You two are truly a blessing. And YOU GET IT!!! Thank you

What is step down treatment

Every unfaithful could have used incognito to heal their marriage or themselves. Nope they rather destroy the person they swore to love , cherish and be faithful to

Some pretend to be faithful and trustworthy. Pretending at church and home , putting on this false face of a god fearing man. Even looking down on cheaters all while they secretly live in sin. Commiting adultery without conscious.

Oh, this was triggering. My husband told me he reached back out to his AP within months of D-Day because he was just "curious" about her. He could have been doing something else to aid in our recovery.😢

I knew the AP from the beginning & tried to stop both of them from making a bad choice. It's an extra pain knowing he took her side. I know both complained about the spouses. He only admitted she did. There's NO way to carry that kind of affair on without a mutual agreement they dislike me. She knew I didn't like her.

My husband has done this 4x with the 2 women. He gets caught & waits for the dust to settle then starts back up with them. Each time he refuses to thoroughly speak about it, rages, & never finds out why he chooses to cheat even thiugh he's in therapy. He always says to "move forward". It kills me and makes me feel like he is discounting the pain he's instilled upon me. I'm so hopeless & numb. I'm tired of waiting for the next affair, but don't want to give up my 32 yr old marriage.

Thank you so much for having empathy for my situation … I wish he would get what you’re saying ….

The minimizing definitely led him to do it, again...twice.

Great content guys!

My unfaithful wife will not watch, she says i am poking at her!

I so needed this today, to help my husband (unfaithful, but 2 yrs working recovery) understand the impact of his behaviors on me. Thank you. 🙏🏻

Thank you guys for all that you do.. I am a betrayed, and it's like every time you guys post a video, they are perfectly aligned with where I am at on my journey. Thank you for validating my experience and helping me find my voice ❤️

I had to pause the video because it wasn't primarily me who was supposed to watch it, but my UH. He knows your channel, but doesn't work with it. Avoidance all around. And I no longer have the patience to wait for him to be ready for hard conversations at some point in the indefinite future, God forbid he would even start them on his own. I also don't feel like dealing with "his" problems anymore. As far as I'm concerned, he's welcome to keep these problems, that's obviously what he decides to do every day. I have one foot out the door emotionally now anyway. It's time for me to make the jump. You unfaithful people watching these videos: if you really value your partner that much, get off your ass and change!

These sound a lot like the 4 agreements.

Love that Kill off soul by comparison- to be undeserving- wow!

Oh James, thank you for such a personal and meaningful video. You are helping so many of us.

How do you deal with your husband who has a large amount of of narcissistic tendencies, 2 different affairs 18 years apart . Recovered from the first affair which took a long time with a marriage counselor and a marriage intensive at winshape . Now getting a divorce I am going to counseling he refuses. I feel like he never dealt with his emotional issues the first time .😂😂

Thank you so much once again! My Unfaithful husband takes notes on each of your episodes, and I’ve seen an improvement so thank you again James and Samuel😊😊😊

I agree it’s like Totally free therapy! Neither of us are “the unfaithful”, we’re just codependent- or immature in our relationship, but I glean a lot from these talks!! Thank you.

Wow I luv your podcast I wish I could get my soon to be ex husband to listen to you All ! He blames me for acting crazy ! Went to a weekend intensive with dr ramani the narcism expert psychologist! Realized I was having reactive abuse !

This is so f'n confirming!!! I've suspected all these things but was ALWAYS accused of being paranoid/insecure/crazy,etc. Every single point on this video is exceptionally VALID.as I am now. TY

My husband while having the second affair stated I have not cheated since the first affair with a grin on his face ! ( probably a narcissistic glare)😢😢

I wish my 2 time unfaithful soon to be ex husband would follow you both ! Just found your podcast ! Only people he talks too are his parents who enables him bad behavior!!!

I wish my 2 time unfaithful soon to be ex husband would follow you both ! Just found your podcast ! Only people he talks too are his parents who enables him bad behavior!!!

What do I do if I and we are stuck?

I just found your channel ! Husband having second affair ! Blames me for everything . His parents don’t hold him accountable for what he is doing to me or my kids . Husband not talking to any friends who might hold him accountable!!!

I don't want to stay and I don't want to let go. I never believed my spouse would cheat. Shattered

What a wonderful video, thank you both. This is definitely what we need during this holiday season. My husband and I have both watched this separately and will discuss it together to help us navigate these holidays. Merry Christmas to you both❤❤❤

Here’s some reality. I was used for sex from infancy by family members and others. My mother knew and did nothing. She did ultimately leave my dad to plunge her and my four younger siblings into abject poverty as she tried to raise us alone in the early 70’s. Having been told repeatedly that I was loved while being abused I believed they were inseparable and that I was being loved by being promiscuous. My mother died of cancer in 1980. I had repressed my past and didn’t even begin to resurface until I had accepted Jesus in 1989 and was already married with three kids. I have reoffended several times over the years. My husband is emotionally closed off and is a hard worker. We have always teetered on the poverty line and counseling has been hit and miss. I find myself here, trying to find a tiny bit of hope for both of us to find healing.

There are world class, famous parenting classes, books and ministry just as there are similar offerings like yours for marital issues because these are the most valuable relationships to society and solving or alleviating stresses or big issues in them is some of the most valuable as well as profitable work we can offer each other as well society. Great point, Gentlemen! Thank you. So grateful there are such dedicated souls to helping make changes in these uncomfortable situations.

Not only are you right on about needing outside help, you are God sent. I am an unfaithful female in therapy for CPTSD for over 40 years on and off. You have given me hope that we can get through this together. Thank you.

Have both of you been listening to me explain our marriage to the betrayer and anyone else I have talked to about it? Some of this is verbatim things I have said. I'm not even a therapist. I'm just a betrayed spouse. No one listens though -- even professionals. Seems no one can hear. And it seems like mostly, not many can relate nor do they care. It is so beyond traumatic.

This is an amazing podcast! Keep up the great work guys😊

I just read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” That book and this pod cast hit the nail with my ex and his family.

Guys can you do a podcast for the unfaithfuls after the relationship fails that is caused by their emotional immaturity along the recovery? Watching this video I see how I'm still checking the boxes of the immature mentality but struggling getting out of it. I don't know what to do after the R ended and being left alone with this way of living. Still saving for counseling tho. Thanks for this amazing podcast. So spot on.

I'm the unfaithful and my betrayed partner left me. But I dragged myself to watch this anyway, realizing myself is still living with this mentality. And I want to encourage anyone like me to continue self introspecting. I know it's hard to address our defects in characters and sometimes feels like pointless to do this after the relationship ended. But let's do it anyway for our ex partners for they deserve us living amends for the betrayal EVEN if they are no longer be here watching and giving a darn word to us now; for ourselves for our better meaningful lifes; and everyone around us; and our future partners.

I am so glad you talked about triggers. Samuel, I followed you while you were at affair recovery and remember you talking about this. My husband and I are going on almost 6 years post affair and I am struggling with helping him on his triggers. I know exactly when he is triggered but how can you run interference when they’re seeking out triggers? Watching TH-cam videos that bring them on, refusing to accept any help from a professional, claiming their people they watch on TH-cam are always right and that’s all they need. For example we were watching a show and the triggers started, he made several negative comments to me in front of our daughter. I apologized, and walked away because in the moment staying in the room I think was making him angrier. I truly want him to be at peace and to be happy. It seems as the years pass though it is getting worse. Is there such a thing that the betrayed seeks out things knowing it will make them upset?

What happens when you just get overwhelmed and completely shut down. I had a lot happen...discovery, moving, etc. I just pushed everything down for like 3 months just to keep the peace but now it's rearing it's head again now that stuff has calmed back down. How do I keep myself from doing that again...from just going into a survival mode where I push all thought of it out of my head and pretend like everything is fine? I'm realizing it did more harm than good and don't want to do it again.

You guys keep nailing it. Thank you!