One thing that was hard for me was letting my children grow up. Every year that they made it through school i was happy for them but it killed me inside because of the change. I hated it went i put them on the bus by themselves for the first time. It was hard. The routines change with every new school year. Then they graduate highschool and its like oh no what now. More changes then they move out and it feels like you lost a piece of you cause you helped them and cared for them so long. You make them a part of your routine and then the change it dramatically on you. My children are 20 and 22 years old and i am still trying to process them living on their own without me. I still call them to make sure they are brushing their teeth and eating good. That is what i found to be hard. Even though you know you are not losing them cause they are still in your live but you have to change again and focus on yourself. It is amazing to see the person your children become as they get older. For me my husband and our kids are the only one that can hug me.
I struggled to overcome both working and being a mom. I realized that before coming a parent, I spent my whole free time recovering from working, mostly by just shutting down, sleeping, watching shows, listening to music, processing. Now that I had a child, I couldn't do that, I had to take care of my child instead. I became overwhelmed. I cut back on work, working only 30 hours a week, but it was not enough, especially because my boss was kind of toxic. So finally, I had to quit working. Luckily we could afford it. The thing is, I didn't realize how much time I need to recover and digest and process and just be alone, to be able to function, before I suddenly couldn't spend that time anymore.
This is exactly how I feel!! Unfortunately I’m not able to quit working at the moment so my mental health is suffering. But you explained it so well, this is so much like what I have experienced.
This was a godsend. I just started realizing I'm autistic a month ago and am going through the process of getting diagnosed. I literally started crying because I finally found someone who relates to motherhood like me. This all makes sense and I resonated with what you said about the walls started crumbling when you became a mom. Thank you for sharing. The advice about keeping things at your own pace makes sense, and having alone time, and especially giving yourself grace and compassion. Thank you very much for this video, I really needed it.
Same! I became a parent and then I felt myself falling apart. I get overwhelmed and I feel like I have to learn how to live with way less energy. I deplete quicker than ever and I have the least time to recharge more than ever. And with kids, toddlers, you can't tell them to give you a moment. You are on their time. Sometimes both kids start to scream and fuss and I feel like I fall into a black hole and want to cry and scream, too. I love them more than myself so I want to be the best mom I can be for them. But it can be so hard some days, especially when family doesn't understand why I feel how I feel. Especially when I feel so alone in the way I'm experiencing this. My spouse often thinks I'm overreacting and that I get overwhelmed too easily. It's the worst I've ever felt in my body. And that is saying a lot with how traumatic my upbringing was. But now that I see I'm likely autistic , I am starting to look up ways to manage and care for my unique brain.
This resonates so much with me and my soul. I can’t thank you enough for making this video! You are changing the world and bringing so much light to this world!!
Thanks so much for sharing! 💗 It’s wonderful to read in the comments that I am not the only one who struggle as a parent. I used to think that all the other mommies seem to have such an easy time, and I even have only one daughter and she is generally very easy to handle and sweet, so in conclusion, I must be an awful parent. What’s most difficult for me for me the unpredictability and the is interruptions, and the constant activity of hers (she has ADHD), which she in top of it wants me to participate in, always 😅. Finding my own time in the daily schedule has been crucial, and something I didn’t grant myself before, which also went in detriment to my relationship with my daughter, because I was most of the time stressed and annoyed, which of course affected her too. When people question why I would want a diagnosis for me or my child, as a parent this is one huge reason more, on a very, very long list 😄. I am so grateful to have gotten to know that there are more people in the world with similar experiencies, and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, wish you all the best.
Wow this is spot on! So since I’ve had my kids I feel like I have put my stream of consciousness on the back burner and use theirs to guide me. If that makes sense. I have had soo much trouble with managing finances, returning phone calls, etc.. basically anything other than taking care of my kids my brain automatically deems irrelevant, and it takes so much effort to actually follow through with those types of tasks.
This is so me too I can so relate! I don’t want to do anything else then just be a mum to my kids it’s takes all my energy in every way and once they sorted/settled I just want to be alone to recover by myself… makes romantic relationships very difficult and friendships as I can’t give them what they need.
So grateful to find your channel. My experience of the walls crumbling down after motherhood was exactly what I went through, but it’s been a long journey of discovery (my kids are 7 and 8 now). I wrote a book of poetry shortly after my first was born and the only way I could describe my experience of motherhood was “when you spilled out of me, I could no longer contain the ocean”. I had no other words at the time for what I was going through.
The unpredictability is the biggest challenge. I can't make a plan the way I would if it was just me because I don't know how my son is going to respond and since he's so young, he is constantly changing and growing. It's incredible and amazing and the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I'm figuring it out. I wish I knew I was ND before I had a child, so I could have been prepared for some of the challenges, but I'm doing the best I can with the information I have now.
Lately, I’ve struggled with the demands of parenting my boys. My oldest (and possibly my 2nd) is autistic, and I’m coming to terms with myself being autistic as well ❤️ When the stimulation is too much, I often plug in my AirPods for music or TH-cam. I’m usually a very calm mom, but when I lose it, I feel awful for having shouted at them. I love them dearly, and am not regretful about having them, but I often wish I would have only had 1-2, because 3 has really changed me and my ability to manage the stress of everything. One of the great things about being a parent is that it opens a lot of social opportunities… people love to talk about children, so it’s a great conversation topic. With my autistic son, I am constantly giving him feedback about social rules, etiquette, etc. Its empowering because I can clue him in to the things I wasn’t aware of in myself as a young one…eye contact, give and take, etc.
Oh my goodness. I am so glad I found your channel tonight. I am 29 and in the process of pursuing an ASD diagnosis. Parenting is what brought me to this place. I’ve always known I was different than most the people around me, always on the outside of friend groups, and have always found social setting to be difficult to navigate and highly uncomfortable unless I could be a silent observer. My dream had always been to be a mom, preferably one who stayed home with the littles and then eventually homeschooled. Then I had my two kids and couldn’t understand why something I wanted so badly could be so difficult and honestly miserable some days. I love my kids so much and they bring me such joy but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t seem to love them and enjoy them the way I was seeing my other friend moms enjoying their kids. I felt like something was wrong with me and my kids would be better off with a different mother because I clearly wasn’t capable of loving them like I should. After a bout of what I thought was depression and am now convinced is autistic burnout, I started doing a ton of research and found out I’m autistic. That realization has brought so much peace and allowed me to give myself grace. So thank you for your video and for sharing your journey because you are helping me to process my own experience and out words to my journey. Thank you again!
The final straw indeed. For years since having kids I have been using the words "I just can't follow my own inclinations, the ones I spent the 34 years before becoming a parent learning and following". And now that our 9 year old son has been diagnosed and I have gone down the the anxiety, trauma, ADHD, ASD rabbit hole, it makes sense why our home learning family needs to pace ourselves so much and limit our social expectations and outings tenaciously. It is hard when it feels invisible to others, when inside it feels like a storm of static building, teetering on the edge of melting down, being unable to hold what is needed with my intense and wonderful ND kiddos (now 6 & 9) who are home, creatively and challengingly, almost all the time. I have joked that the pandemic (and parenting too let's be honest!) has given me so many chances to get the day "right" and yet almost everyday the buzz, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the nervous system overload swallowed me up. I feel so grateful (and grief-ful too) to be seeing the reality of the iceberg underneath it all. So much more compassion is flowing these days with this new awareness. Thank you for voicing your experience so that we might gain more words to understand ours
Thank you so much for sharing this. My son is 3 and I'm finally able to explain all this to my husband. Motherhood has been a big struggle for me and he doesn't fully understand because he sees me as a great mom. But that's because I've tried so freaking hard and now I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and need breaks. I've even said to my husband before when I was frustrated feeling such a strong sense of urgency with our son and his daily routine, "our son makes the rules, I don't." And that loss of my own self really took a lot out of me. It really is hard to put into words just how much more of a load was put in my brain once I became a mom. It's just... a lot sometimes. And now I'm learning how to do better for my family and for myself. So, thank you for helping me feel less alone and for helping others understand.
Yeah I do not feel very control at all with my 2 kids. They listen to my husband much more and even his brother, anybody else than me. People tell me to make my voice stern or whatever, it doesn't work. I yell at them at times, sometimes the situation calls for it for safety or sanity.
I felt exactly the same at the end of high school. That something had changed in my brain. And I had became another person. So great to have answers now❤
Once you have kids, you loose a bit of control and your "to do" list is never going to end. It's overwhelming! I did not understand this and am just starting to be able to word it.. my son is 34 this year, my brain still has a list for him.. ❤️
Although I struggled with postpartum I really enjoyed the newborn stage with both my children! Since I didn't know I was autistic until this year I feel like I was a bit hard on myself at first. My inner voice kept saying things like, "A good mom would be able to handle this!" I feel like after my diagnosis I've been a lot more kind and patient with myself. I am also more willing to ask for help when I need it.
Thank you for your honesty Hearing from autistic parents makes me feel so validated in my choice to not have kids. I think I'd be so overwhelmed that it would break my brain!
I had the same experience. I managed well enough on my own. It wasn’t till we had kids that my system started to crack and walls started falling and it was clear I was having a very different experience then my nuerotypical peers as a mom. I almost waited too long to get help as I started to feel hopeless and incapable. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I was at a breaking point. Thankfully I did seek help, was diagnosed with ASD. Everything finally made sense and was able to adjust with this new understanding. It’s been 5 years since and I can’t imagine life without my kids. We homeschool and I’m loving it! Is it always easy? No. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. ❤️
@@MomontheSpectrum yes I have! But always learning something new. I really appreciate your channel. It’s the first I come across for autistic parents 😊 Thank you! 🙏🏻
I just had to comment! Nothing makes more sense to me! This video was such a huge confirmation. It wasn't till becoming a mama and "walls started crumbling" that I started to realize. Fellow homeschooler as well!! It definitely adds another level to the experience!
I think that underlying change since having kids that you’re talking about, for me at least, is we now have external parts of ourselves that we don’t have full control of and can’t keep safe all of the time. Children are like pieces of our hearts that are now running around free in the world but are still very much attached to us, and I find that really hard
I became a parent at 40, and now at 45 I have two kids. I've been struggling so much, and it's been one of those things I thought I was just experiencing being a parent. Being tired all the time, feeling overwhelmed and like I can't cope even with things that "should" be fun! I've been in regular counselling for a while now because I'm struggling, but I never ever would have thought that it might be because I'm neurodivergent or autistic. However, I've been going through your videos and there's a sense of "that's me...I said that to my co-worker just yesterday" kind of thing. And this video, I can relate to it 100%. I love my kids so much, but wow is it SO HARD. I have told my therapist that I want to discuss autism and the possibility that I could have it. I need to learn how to cope. Thank you for this!
This was really good! We have ‘quiet time’ every day after lunch time. The whole house, we shut the curtains and put the lamp on and the kids will play quietly on iPads while I will take a break in a dark room The kids love it as they get to play on there games but I if I don’t do this I literally end up having serious anxiety and over loads In the evening… I feel like it’s an after noon reset to get through the rest of the day!
Thanks for sharing this! My kids love having alllll of the blinds and curtains closed and lights off and it drives me nuts! I have to have natural light until the sun goes down and then soft lamps only. We are all so interesting, aren’t we?
We have one kid with adhd and the other with autism and us parents with both. One kid wants darkness, silence, calm and peace, and the other wants brightness and loudness and things happening all the time 🤣🤯 Motherhood has definetly been the most difficult thing happening in my life, and until my autism diagnosis I have been severely hard on myself for it, feeling as a horrible parent, and now I finally understand why, and we are for the first time able to (try to) find strategies that work for our family as a whole set of four very different individuals. 💗🫶 so greatful! Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️🌸
@@Petiteparisienne87 I can really relate to this! We are all neurodivergent in our house too all four of us and so very different…. It’s like re learning life again isn’t it and accepting that we are not born to be neurotypical… this is something I struggle with self acceptance it’s scary how limited I actually am but I have tried so hard to keep up with everything for so long I’m just so burnt out ❤️
Lately my children’s social calendar has cause an extreme anxiety in me. I always been socially awkward but this new struggle brought me to your channel. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn’t understand why they needed so much social interaction. Plus noticing their reaction to loud noises and certain textures lead me to seek answers. Thank you.
I've identified parenting as a huge area of anxiety for me. I was so freaked out when my oldest came to the age that I thought they might have their first memory. I worried that what if it wasn't a good memory. Sometimes I've said things that I wish I could take back, I remember things my parents said to me that really left a bad mark on me psychologically. Discipline and routine r good for kids, I don't even have a solid routine really for myself still now. I don't like to fly by the seat of my pants but I often do in some ways like with meals. It's much easier if I prepare ahead of time to come up with something, and like thaw meat lol. I try talking to people about my worries but it's scary for me. I really worry about being judged as a bad parent. I really worry that I'm a bad mom. I've read about neglect and freaked myself out that I neglect them, there's so much to be freaked out about. I don't know where to turn
I identify so much with doing well in managing yourself being easier without a secondary stream of consciousness firing at you! You’re doing such a good job with this channel I hope you make more videos. Though I haven’t been active on TH-cam in years let me know if you ever want tips on how to grow things more quickly
I've got more in the works and appreciate your support! We were out of town this past weekend so I'm a little behind my original pace. And yes I'm always open to learning tips about being more discoverable!
I am 64 and JUST FINALLY realizing I am both autistic and have an ADHD brain! I'm in the process of ADHD/ AUTISM testing - FINALLY!!!!!!!! I cannot wait for my external validation - it's such a relief - I have felt so bad about myself my whole life - why do I struggle so hard, why does no one else see it??? Why am I so weird? Why can't I say the right thing at the right time? Why can't I can't I control myself? I'm as surprised as everyone else by most of what comes out of my mouth - there is no pre-thought - nope - why does being honest hurt everyone around me? Why do I feel like a chameleon? Why is having friends so draining? How will I know if I will be triggered by an innocent interaction with a friend? Why can't I "switch gears"???
I am not a mother but I feel your point about being a slow processor so deeply !!!! It is absolutely the case for me. Very hard for other ppl to understand how social stuff / just being in not-my-place environment affect my functioning afterwords
I'm currently pregnant with my first child and am just now realizing that I may be neurodivergent. I also feel a profound and inexplicable deep joy and overwhelm about becoming a parent. The feeling itself is so complex that I find it distracting me from every day tasks and working and staying on track has proved even harder than before I was pregnant. She has become a new special interest. I find her fascinating and indulge in thinking of her often. All while a bit overwhelmed that I know I need to do x y and z just to prepare properly for her arrival. Sometimes that feeling comes from different places. Sometimes it comes from comparing myself with other people who are seemingly neurotypical. That can make me feel often clueless and naive. That naivety can be distracting and I delve into new research. Maybe it's the boundlessness of existence in it's purest form through reproduction that means to us there will never be a full understanding of anything especially our own children. Maybe that's the secret nestled in the magic of the world: there's nothing TO figure out or plan... Behind all the games we make up of having jobs and doing taxes and paying bills and stuff... There's really nothing to life except being utterly magical...
Not comparing your self to NT is great advice and one I wish I could follow more but social media makes it hard… I remember when I came home from the hospital with my firstborn (son) I had the biggest sense of doom. All of a sudden I got this sense of sadness and worry that my life was never going to be the same and that scared the sh!t out of me. I was someone who liked to be alone. I needed my time alone. And now It seemed I would never be alone. It was incredibly hard for me and I felt so much shame on top of that. How could I take care of his needs when I was barely meeting my own? Moms were supposed to be happy and enjoying their babies and I felt like I was mourning the life/routine I had. As much as I loved my son, I cried everyday. I was diagnosed with post partum anxiety and depression. I remember I would fantasize about divorcing my husband so that we would have shared custody and I could have 1/2 the week to myself. I was in a very dark place. Eventually at around 1.5 years old I started to feel much better and I got used to my new normal. I feel sad now to think of how emotionally unavailable I was to my baby. Don’t get me wrong, I did all the things I was supposed to do and more! I played, I read, I snuggled and diligently kept a routine. But there wasn’t enjoyment. Everything felt underlined with a sense of panic, doom and emptiness… Fast forward to 9 years later. My son is recently diagnosed with ASD and anxiety disorder and I’m just realizing I have it too. Our lives are good though. We are a qwerky family of 4. I’m so proud of my kids and I’m looking forward to helping them grow and succeed in the ways that were not available for me when I was growing up. Not bc my parents were bad but bc of lack of awareness.
My experience is nearly identical to yours. Once my daughter came along, it exceeded my capacity to manage it. I had always known I was different but chalked it up to eccentricity, which runs in my family, surprise surprise. The day of my daughter's ASD evaluation is the day I figured it out. I was like huh...all of these things are me as well OMG. It took a few more years to get my official diagnosis, but I was pretty sure that day.
I feel like my kids (and sometimes husband) are constantly interrupting me and it's very overwhelming and frustrating. I've realized that it probably looks like I'm available (like when I'm making supper or doing some other routine hands-on-thing and am not having a conversation or listening to anything) and it's not their fault, but I've got my own thing going on in my head and feel so interrupted. With multiple kids wanting my attention at once, on top of my own thoughts/sensations, it's too much. I try to have them take turns so I can focus and I tell them that sometimes it's my turn or that I need some time to wrap up my thoughts before I can listen to them. I'm working to try to get more routine planned breaks and down time by myself to process. It helps so much when breaks are a regular (even if it has to be infrequent) thing I can count on and look forward to.
True. But i will really burn things and set the fire alarm off and such. That is quite impressive. So i say 'remember when the fire alarm went off? If you go on it will happen again!' Sometimes i need to help them find something else to do instead.
I'm quite the chatterbox and both my kids r too, always making noise, now I see y people find me annoying lol. I love them and obviously I don't wanna b forever telling them to shut up, not very nice, I have a hard time focusing. I need to talk about things and write about them to process. If things seem already too chaotic I feel like I can't talk because I don't want to add to the chaos, also I can't write when people r talking because it's so distracting. My kids r so much like me. I try to remember to really listen and b present but it's tough sometimes. I am definitely not a perfect mother, and it's sort of what I'm trying to be which is bad I know, obviously it would never happen but still. It's so important of a thing, I wanna do a great job. I'm so glad u made a video on this topic, thank you so much. I really relate to you so much. My husband and I, (suspect we're both autistic) don't always see eye to eye about discipline and I remember it being a big thing my parents fought about so it freaks me out of course. I think u shouldn't yell at children, yelling is awful, we both do it tho. I don't know what else to do sometimes to b heard. I wish there was a rule book about how not to mess up your kids. Just show them u love them and take care of their basic needs right? Well it's not simple to do that. My daughter is learning to read and the teacher said she was behind with it, we hadn't been making sure she did her reading at home, so now we do but it caused me to realize something: I really struggle to read while other people r talking, I need quiet. So I realized that maybe she just needs more quiet during the testing and at home, wherever she's reading. I realized another connection too, she's a picky eater like I was and I haven't been very understanding toward her about it. Some things she will cry and absolutely refuse to eat, you'd think someone who was the same would at least b compassionate but no I wasn't. It was so annoying because I definitely wasn't about to make her something else, I had a hard enough time putting the meal together I did manage. I did buy some easier stuff to make it easier like now I just do granola bar breakfasts because the morning is a bad time for me lol. I'm not a smiling apron-wearer making pancakes on school mornings. Sometimes these perfect images in our heads r not someone we could b and that is definitely the case with me in the morning. Another thing is I don't like when other people say that I'm a good mom because I always think, y do they think that? What could they have possibly seen to back up that idea? They just think I'm nice and my kid isn't scared of me so I must b a good mom. I know people r trying to b nice and supportive which is fine but it just makes me question y and it doesn't make me even consider that it could b true. I guess I've probably gone on long enough at this point, I know it's my 3rd comment too... I have a lot to say on the subject. I have asked in therapy before about parenting classes and apparently u can get parenting classes from child and family services, maybe I should give it a try. Anybody have any recommendations of books or courses, I really want to not mess it up
I really like "how to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". All the parenting books by those authors are really good, actually.
Thanks Tay for sharing. I got dx a few months ago age 45. I started thinking I might be autistic nearly 2 years ago when my youngest son, age 8, was diagnosed himself. We are a ND family. My 13 yr old son has Tourette syndrome, ADHD and anxiety. Hugs x
Maybe I need to take some notes from you! :) Yes I feel like my son being on the spectrum is part of what led me to pursue my own diagnosis. It's all so interesting how it's connected. Sending hugs back.
I’m a mom of four and was diagnosed with ADHD at 28 after I had my third. I relate so much to almost all of this but interestingly, what I notice is that my biggest challenge is actually parenting my oldest, who is as neurotypical as you can get lol as opposed to my second, for example, who I’m pretty sure has ADHD too (based on my own observations and experience). I find it so hard to relate to my oldest and provide him with everything he needs since I don’t personally understand his world at all. Thankfully, my husband is the best father anyone can ask for and is naturally great at parenting so I’ve automatically learned to use any strategies I’ve observed from watching them interact in order to communicate effectively with him myself.. on the other hand, with my second, I feel like I know how his mind works and instinctively know how to relate to him and communicate. I also fully agree with enjoying the newborn phase! You get to just bond and cuddle the way you like with a minimal set of rules, nothing too deep to figure out or think too much about throughout the day…
My neurotypical doughter really involves in all kind of social activities and recently my biggest challange is to explain her social situations and things that come with relationships while most of the time I don't understand them myself.
I needed this. I’ve been comparing myself to other parents and it’s just not adding up. Incidentally, it’s the newborn phase that undid me. When I had to take care of a newborn and wasn’t able to access coping skills, that’s when I realized my experience felt so different to my girlfriends with kids. I love motherhood, certainly now more than I thought I would, but I’m nervous on the days where I can’t keep it together and I keep seeking out tools but no one else seems to have my challenges. I’m in the process of getting tested as well as just trying to have Grace with myself. Also the boredom! My toddler is amazing and he’s not boring, but everything he’s into is SO boring! Hahaha Does anyone else get anxiety about their kiddo getting bored? Or feel bored because you can’t really do your own thing while caring for your kids? And if so has anyone figured out how to manage those feelings?
Really enjoyed this video as well and so true with the TALKING! Appreciated not feeling alone. Slightly unrelated to this video but ? in general have you done a video or talked about rejection sensitive dysphoria? Maybe part of the HSP but cannot find that video either. Thxs bunches!!!!
wow you have introduced a new term to me! I had not yet heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria but I'm intrigued and started doing a little digging. I don't have any resources I can share about that right now but I'll definitely post if I come across more in the future or decide to do a video on it!
Oh gosh. I am not a parent*, but what caused me to actually seek out an autism diagnosis (I'd suspected for a while but it was officially confirmed YESTERDAY) was a sharp increase in the managing-other-people's-needs aspects of my work which broke my existing coping strategies...which has some similarities. I'd heard from other people that being a graduate program or department chair was challenging...but this hit me WAY harder than I expected. It's not that I HATE it; I quite like being able to help out out the students and faculty in my program, and figuring out efficient systems is something I'm good at (which is why I got asked to do this in the first place). But OMG, it is just SO MUCH. And I'm still in the midst of figuring out what I need to do to manage that without getting into a state where I will unprofessionally snap at someone or burst into tears, or crashing to the point that I can't function for a full afternoon. And the "don't compare yourself to how NT people do things" is definitely a part of that. *In terms of parenting... I used to assume that I'd have a kid someday, because that's what people do. But I was pretty sure one was my limit, and if it didn't happen that would be OK. I was prompted to revisit this when my then-fiancee said he definitely didn't want ANY. And I basically came to the conclusion that I quite like interacting with kids who are six or older...but I really have trouble with those younger than that. The idea of getting through the period of toddlerhood was never something I'd wanted to think about. I could probably have managed if I had a partner who was really into it...but I didn't. So it was actually pretty easy for me to go "yeah, OK - no kids!" He and I are no longer together, but I don't regret that decision. I get to play auntie a few times a year - and of course I have my undergraduate and graduate students to mentor - and that feels like enough. But I've also toyed with the idea of maybe adopting an older child (though any 7 YO who needs a new family has probably been through some trauma, so I'd want to make sure I was in a space where I could help them with that), and if I happened to form a new relationship with someone who had kids, that would probably be cool too (as long as there weren't a billion of them!).
I was diagnosed with depression after my kids were born, but now that one of my kids has been diagnosed AuDHD, I don't think that was it. I think I had sensory overload so bad I burned out. I had twins. I dropped so many things that I had been taking care of decently before kids. Even the bills started getting paid late even though there was money to pay them. My kids are in college now, and I notice an increased ability to do things when their schools are in session. It seems like there's a cognitive load just because the kids are in the house even though they can cook for themselves, do their own laundry, etc. It's definitely a lower load than when they were babies needing fed, changed, watched, etc. but it's still there.
In a way I'm sad that I never had the opportunity to have kids, but in a way, I'm relieved because babysitting just about undid me. For me, kids = sensory overload.
I literally came home from the hospital with 3 books, birth - 6, 6-12 months and 1-3 years but now I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. They're off the instruction manuals lol. I felt like things were more clear then with what I had to do. I don't feel completely at a loss but I really wish there was more instructions. I've read other books about parenting but I don't know who to trust. I feel like my mom was so great and I want to be like her but not in every way, like maybe discipline wasn't a strong area of hers
Absolutely. I'm planning on making more videos about this soon. Please let me know if you have any specific areas of parenting you'd like to see covered.
@@MomontheSpectrum what do you do when you’re by yourself and you get overwhelmed? Like with the children? Also have you ever taken them to the store /outing on your own and how did that go?
@@camella-inreallife Hi Cami, I avoid taking them out in public by myself whenever possible! It's been easier to do that during the pandemic. I will take them in the car with me to pickup groceries curbside (we have those services in the US, not sure where you're located). Or I can take them to the park. On a good day when I have energy and am not overstimulated I can sometimes handle taking them to the neighborhood pool. If we're going to eat somewhere away from home, I'll try to order ahead and do pickup so we spend as little time in the restaurant as possible. Or I'll pick the food up and bring it back home for us to eat. When I'm by myself and I get overwhelmed, my kids are old enough now (5 and 7) to where I feel comfortable shutting my bedroom door for a bit and either sitting in silence, reading, or zoning out on my phone. Also, I let them play a lot of video games. :) When they were younger, I'd put them in a baby bouncer or another thing that they were safe in, stay in the same room with them and turn on cartoons for them to watch. I'd do my best to let my husband know it was a tough day and sometimes as soon as he got home, I'd head out for a bit. Sometimes just to drive around the block and listen to loud music. Time by myself is usually a great reset button.
@@MomontheSpectrum aww man, there's so much! Honestly I thought I outgrew my "issues" until I had my son and realized that actually I'm autistic and it was just easier to cope when I was living alone😅 But maybe something on how to not hold your kids back while also taking care of your own needs? My son is only 4 but I feel so bad that we don't like to to the playground or on fun adventures more often (I actually like adventuring but trying to do it with a kid feels overwhelming so I avoid it). I don't want to hold him back from experiences but I also don't want to have a meltdown on him and I don't know what's worse😔
Potty training. Please tell me someone else is struggling with this. I feel terrible, but I don't know how anyone else does this. I can't handle the germs and the accidents. Day 3 of my 3rd attempt and my emotional regulation is gone.
Ugh! Potty training is just the WORST! I hated every moment of it with both my kids. I sincerely hope you have an easier time than I did. One thing that helped me was buying a lot of cheap underwear and not feeling bad about throwing it out if I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.
You're welcome! I'm planning on doing more parenting videos that cover specific topics. Do you have any parental experiences you'd like to see explored?
@@MomontheSpectrum yes please, how do you deal with making sure you have “you time” away from your kids and husband. Do you become consumed by your children’s lives and to do lists that you put yours to the side? Resulting in overwhelming meltdowns? When do you know that you need “you time” only when everything gets too much? (I normally realise too late that I need alone time) Also how do you balance making time for exercise, journaling, time alone with a close friend, work, cooking, taking care of yourself, family time, friend time, husband time, kid time - basically balancing being a mom. And how do you deal with your children being told mean things at school/family. My in laws don’t know that I am autistic and sometimes say such insensitive things to me and I try my best never to react but if they had to say it to my daughter one day knowing that she will probably also be extremely sensitive like me I don’t know how I will teach her to deal with that or how I will stay calm and not react knowing that it will be so hurtful to her too. I hope I am making sense 😊 I just find it so difficult dealing with people who don’t know the me under my masking that I am scared I won’t be able to teach my kids to cope and they too will struggle like I do and I would never want that. Thanks so much 🙏
Oof yep all great questions that I’d love the answer to 🤣 I have some thoughts that id be happy to put together in a video before too long. In the meantime, a book that has been really helpful for me is “Who You Were Meant to Be” by Lindsay C. Gibson. It addresses this sentiment and has helped me discover a renewed sense of peace and calm. Other thoughts… Everyone is different and there is no correct approach to life, but practicing being present in each moment has been really helpful. It is a lifelong practice for sure. One thing at a time. If you get caught in your brain, try to get into your body. What are you seeing. What are you touching. What are you hearing. Don’t resist your current situation. Accept what “is” and then focus on the next best step. Easier said than done. And it probably sounds like too simplistic of a solution, but it is bringing me so much peace. Last thought - waking up early. I don’t really enjoy the idea of it, but getting up before the kids and having quiet time to myself is absolutely essential. Thanks for bringing up these questions. I will plan on adding a video with more info about my thoughts in the rotation soon. So good to be connected with you!
Agreed! It so hard, but it’s also sooo amazing!! If you want children I recommend doing it. You just need to honor your coping skills and ask for help and have support.
I’m a 44 year old mum my daughter is coming 20 an my son is 17 an I was in a very unhappy marriage with their father who could be emotionally cruel to me an smash things in anger especially wen he drank on the odd occasions but I lived on egg shells for twenty years and because he wasn’t very supportive with r kids I done everything with them to do with life school etc but I found being a parent also very very hard as my son who is neurodivergent would repeat asking things an tapped a lot or kids soft play areas the noise of all the kids in those places made my anxiety go thru the roof so it was the only thing ther dad actually done with the kid thankfully 😅 but we separated as mental health got bad an my kids at first were with me briefly but I couldn’t cope so they went to live with their dad and looking back now while I’m waiting on being assessed for asd that maybe that why I was finding it hard to cope it would make alot of sense now when I think about it I never thought of being on the spectrum even tho I suffer with sensory issues also 🤔🤓
I love your videos videos I am autistic person also and i am trying to found a good way to deal with and find a good girlfriend that will except me for I am i bullied all the time for liking roller coasters I am travel around the world to ride I am 20 years old now I wish people would stop for it and I wish they would get to know me I have to hid from people and don’t know how it is gonna be when I throw kids in the picture one day I came across your channel today so for the tips for relationships I like going to theme parks that how relaxing have fun I don’t have many friends because they like them
Hello. I’m a NT woman married to a ND woman…I watch you, and yes lol I know not to generalize or stereotype (everyone is different), BUT lol, you look sooo much different than my spouse. She is ALWAYS negative and harsh. I came into this relationship with two daughters now 18 and 11, then 9 and 15. We are at complete odds all the time because of her being hypercritical and judgmental. Absolutely everything is a struggle. She could literally go days without talking to the girls… because regular conversation to check in with them, and to show care and concern is completely lost on her. Such as: how are you, how was school, how was work, do you need anything, how was that test, hi, bye, have good day.. etc She says it’s fake and contrived. However, this is the part that really bothers me and hurts is that she can do all those things for me (the hi’s, bye, how are you’s etc), but NOT the girls. The only time she will talk to them is to be critical, and tell them they’ve done something wrong. We feel as though we can’t do anything right for her. My girls are my life, and if she can’t be right with them, she will never be right with me and she doesn’t get that. Do you? Does that make sense? She says she is not in a relationship with them, she’s in a relationship with me. (but she is… she is their step mom). She says the most hurtful things sometimes!! I have a hard time moving forward and I have no clue how to fix it. I understand that asking her to do certain things would be masking to her because she just doesn’t get it, and I understand that, but if she knows it hurts someone else, why wouldn’t she do it anyway? At this point, I don’t even care that it’s fake, I just want peace. We feel sooo lost and don’t know how to fix it. And I’m having trouble coming to the understanding that there really is no fixing it. It’s not an illness that can just be fixed, but i thought it could be managed, but the more time that goes on, I don’t think there’s even hope for that. And by managed, I don’t mean her, I mean us all. That we all could work together to make things better. I just don’t feel like it’s possible anymore. 😭😭Do you have any advice or insight? You mentioned psychotherapy, which I’ve suggested before, but her comment is something like she has gone in the past but she just tends to tell them what they want to hear and manipulate the conversation. She wicked smart too. Help? Please?
So sorry to hear you're going through these challenging situations right now. It sounds like you're wanting some tools and resources to help your family better communicate and understand each other. I think you're right that psychotherapy is a great suggestion. It is hard when others don't want to participate in the way you would hope for. Focus on what YOU can change to create happiness within yourself. Hang in there!
Maybe family therapy to learn to communicate better? I get her side and your side of the argument... The TH-cam channel Cinema Therapy may be a good resource to start constructive conversations...
@@MomontheSpectrum thanks for the reply. 😊. How did you find a therapist that specializes in dealing autism? And what that means for relationships? I’m having a hard time finding a specialist.
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One thing that was hard for me was letting my children grow up. Every year that they made it through school i was happy for them but it killed me inside because of the change. I hated it went i put them on the bus by themselves for the first time. It was hard. The routines change with every new school year. Then they graduate highschool and its like oh no what now. More changes then they move out and it feels like you lost a piece of you cause you helped them and cared for them so long. You make them a part of your routine and then the change it dramatically on you. My children are 20 and 22 years old and i am still trying to process them living on their own without me. I still call them to make sure they are brushing their teeth and eating good. That is what i found to be hard. Even though you know you are not losing them cause they are still in your live but you have to change again and focus on yourself. It is amazing to see the person your children become as they get older. For me my husband and our kids are the only one that can hug me.
I struggled to overcome both working and being a mom. I realized that before coming a parent, I spent my whole free time recovering from working, mostly by just shutting down, sleeping, watching shows, listening to music, processing. Now that I had a child, I couldn't do that, I had to take care of my child instead. I became overwhelmed. I cut back on work, working only 30 hours a week, but it was not enough, especially because my boss was kind of toxic. So finally, I had to quit working. Luckily we could afford it. The thing is, I didn't realize how much time I need to recover and digest and process and just be alone, to be able to function, before I suddenly couldn't spend that time anymore.
This is exactly how I feel!! Unfortunately I’m not able to quit working at the moment so my mental health is suffering. But you explained it so well, this is so much like what I have experienced.
This was a godsend. I just started realizing I'm autistic a month ago and am going through the process of getting diagnosed. I literally started crying because I finally found someone who relates to motherhood like me. This all makes sense and I resonated with what you said about the walls started crumbling when you became a mom. Thank you for sharing. The advice about keeping things at your own pace makes sense, and having alone time, and especially giving yourself grace and compassion. Thank you very much for this video, I really needed it.
Hi - thanks so much for your comment! It’s nice to be connected with you. I post more stuff on Instagram too @taylor_heaton_
Sending good vibes!!
Same! I became a parent and then I felt myself falling apart. I get overwhelmed and I feel like I have to learn how to live with way less energy. I deplete quicker than ever and I have the least time to recharge more than ever. And with kids, toddlers, you can't tell them to give you a moment. You are on their time. Sometimes both kids start to scream and fuss and I feel like I fall into a black hole and want to cry and scream, too. I love them more than myself so I want to be the best mom I can be for them. But it can be so hard some days, especially when family doesn't understand why I feel how I feel. Especially when I feel so alone in the way I'm experiencing this. My spouse often thinks I'm overreacting and that I get overwhelmed too easily. It's the worst I've ever felt in my body. And that is saying a lot with how traumatic my upbringing was. But now that I see I'm likely autistic , I am starting to look up ways to manage and care for my unique brain.
Yeah I really learn to get myself the alone time because I need it too
This resonates so much with me and my soul. I can’t thank you enough for making this video! You are changing the world and bringing so much light to this world!!
Thanks so much for sharing! 💗 It’s wonderful to read in the comments that I am not the only one who struggle as a parent. I used to think that all the other mommies seem to have such an easy time, and I even have only one daughter and she is generally very easy to handle and sweet, so in conclusion, I must be an awful parent. What’s most difficult for me for me the unpredictability and the is interruptions, and the constant activity of hers (she has ADHD), which she in top of it wants me to participate in, always 😅. Finding my own time in the daily schedule has been crucial, and something I didn’t grant myself before, which also went in detriment to my relationship with my daughter, because I was most of the time stressed and annoyed, which of course affected her too. When people question why I would want a diagnosis for me or my child, as a parent this is one huge reason more, on a very, very long list 😄. I am so grateful to have gotten to know that there are more people in the world with similar experiencies, and I truly, from the bottom of my heart, wish you all the best.
Wow this is spot on! So since I’ve had my kids I feel like I have put my stream of consciousness on the back burner and use theirs to guide me. If that makes sense. I have had soo much trouble with managing finances, returning phone calls, etc.. basically anything other than taking care of my kids my brain automatically deems irrelevant, and it takes so much effort to actually follow through with those types of tasks.
Wow! This is what I was talking about in the video. Someone else putting what I was saying into different words and YES this is how I feel. Nailed it.
This is so me too I can so relate! I don’t want to do anything else then just be a mum to my kids it’s takes all my energy in every way and once they sorted/settled I just want to be alone to recover by myself… makes romantic relationships very difficult and friendships as I can’t give them what they need.
Yessss all of this!
So grateful to find your channel. My experience of the walls crumbling down after motherhood was exactly what I went through, but it’s been a long journey of discovery (my kids are 7 and 8 now). I wrote a book of poetry shortly after my first was born and the only way I could describe my experience of motherhood was “when you spilled out of me, I could no longer contain the ocean”. I had no other words at the time for what I was going through.
The unpredictability is the biggest challenge. I can't make a plan the way I would if it was just me because I don't know how my son is going to respond and since he's so young, he is constantly changing and growing. It's incredible and amazing and the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I'm figuring it out. I wish I knew I was ND before I had a child, so I could have been prepared for some of the challenges, but I'm doing the best I can with the information I have now.
Lately, I’ve struggled with the demands of parenting my boys. My oldest (and possibly my 2nd) is autistic, and I’m coming to terms with myself being autistic as well ❤️ When the stimulation is too much, I often plug in my AirPods for music or TH-cam. I’m usually a very calm mom, but when I lose it, I feel awful for having shouted at them. I love them dearly, and am not regretful about having them, but I often wish I would have only had 1-2, because 3 has really changed me and my ability to manage the stress of everything. One of the great things about being a parent is that it opens a lot of social opportunities… people love to talk about children, so it’s a great conversation topic. With my autistic son, I am constantly giving him feedback about social rules, etiquette, etc. Its empowering because I can clue him in to the things I wasn’t aware of in myself as a young one…eye contact, give and take, etc.
Oh my goodness. I am so glad I found your channel tonight. I am 29 and in the process of pursuing an ASD diagnosis. Parenting is what brought me to this place. I’ve always known I was different than most the people around me, always on the outside of friend groups, and have always found social setting to be difficult to navigate and highly uncomfortable unless I could be a silent observer. My dream had always been to be a mom, preferably one who stayed home with the littles and then eventually homeschooled. Then I had my two kids and couldn’t understand why something I wanted so badly could be so difficult and honestly miserable some days. I love my kids so much and they bring me such joy but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t seem to love them and enjoy them the way I was seeing my other friend moms enjoying their kids. I felt like something was wrong with me and my kids would be better off with a different mother because I clearly wasn’t capable of loving them like I should. After a bout of what I thought was depression and am now convinced is autistic burnout, I started doing a ton of research and found out I’m autistic. That realization has brought so much peace and allowed me to give myself grace. So thank you for your video and for sharing your journey because you are helping me to process my own experience and out words to my journey. Thank you again!
The final straw indeed. For years since having kids I have been using the words "I just can't follow my own inclinations, the ones I spent the 34 years before becoming a parent learning and following". And now that our 9 year old son has been diagnosed and I have gone down the the anxiety, trauma, ADHD, ASD rabbit hole, it makes sense why our home learning family needs to pace ourselves so much and limit our social expectations and outings tenaciously. It is hard when it feels invisible to others, when inside it feels like a storm of static building, teetering on the edge of melting down, being unable to hold what is needed with my intense and wonderful ND kiddos (now 6 & 9) who are home, creatively and challengingly, almost all the time. I have joked that the pandemic (and parenting too let's be honest!) has given me so many chances to get the day "right" and yet almost everyday the buzz, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the nervous system overload swallowed me up. I feel so grateful (and grief-ful too) to be seeing the reality of the iceberg underneath it all. So much more compassion is flowing these days with this new awareness. Thank you for voicing your experience so that we might gain more words to understand ours
I hope u r doing really good
Thank you so much for sharing this. My son is 3 and I'm finally able to explain all this to my husband. Motherhood has been a big struggle for me and he doesn't fully understand because he sees me as a great mom. But that's because I've tried so freaking hard and now I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and need breaks. I've even said to my husband before when I was frustrated feeling such a strong sense of urgency with our son and his daily routine, "our son makes the rules, I don't." And that loss of my own self really took a lot out of me. It really is hard to put into words just how much more of a load was put in my brain once I became a mom. It's just... a lot sometimes. And now I'm learning how to do better for my family and for myself. So, thank you for helping me feel less alone and for helping others understand.
You’re welcome! Thanks for your comment.
Yeah I do not feel very control at all with my 2 kids. They listen to my husband much more and even his brother, anybody else than me. People tell me to make my voice stern or whatever, it doesn't work. I yell at them at times, sometimes the situation calls for it for safety or sanity.
I felt exactly the same at the end of high school. That something had changed in my brain. And I had became another person. So great to have answers now❤
Once you have kids, you loose a bit of control and your "to do" list is never going to end. It's overwhelming! I did not understand this and am just starting to be able to word it.. my son is 34 this year, my brain still has a list for him.. ❤️
Although I struggled with postpartum I really enjoyed the newborn stage with both my children! Since I didn't know I was autistic until this year I feel like I was a bit hard on myself at first. My inner voice kept saying things like, "A good mom would be able to handle this!" I feel like after my diagnosis I've been a lot more kind and patient with myself. I am also more willing to ask for help when I need it.
Awesome.
Yes asking for help, I have to learn to do that more
Thank you for your honesty Hearing from autistic parents makes me feel so validated in my choice to not have kids. I think I'd be so overwhelmed that it would break my brain!
You do you, friend!
I had the same experience. I managed well enough on my own. It wasn’t till we had kids that my system started to crack and walls started falling and it was clear I was having a very different experience then my nuerotypical peers as a mom. I almost waited too long to get help as I started to feel hopeless and incapable. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I was at a breaking point. Thankfully I did seek help, was diagnosed with ASD. Everything finally made sense and was able to adjust with this new understanding. It’s been 5 years since and I can’t imagine life without my kids. We homeschool and I’m loving it! Is it always easy? No. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. ❤️
Thanks so much for sharing your story here! sounds like you've come a long way.
@@MomontheSpectrum yes I have! But always learning something new. I really appreciate your channel. It’s the first I come across for autistic parents 😊 Thank you! 🙏🏻
I just had to comment! Nothing makes more sense to me! This video was such a huge confirmation. It wasn't till becoming a mama and "walls started crumbling" that I started to realize. Fellow homeschooler as well!! It definitely adds another level to the experience!
I think that underlying change since having kids that you’re talking about, for me at least, is we now have external parts of ourselves that we don’t have full control of and can’t keep safe all of the time. Children are like pieces of our hearts that are now running around free in the world but are still very much attached to us, and I find that really hard
Oh wow this is so well said. I really relate.
I became a parent at 40, and now at 45 I have two kids. I've been struggling so much, and it's been one of those things I thought I was just experiencing being a parent. Being tired all the time, feeling overwhelmed and like I can't cope even with things that "should" be fun! I've been in regular counselling for a while now because I'm struggling, but I never ever would have thought that it might be because I'm neurodivergent or autistic. However, I've been going through your videos and there's a sense of "that's me...I said that to my co-worker just yesterday" kind of thing. And this video, I can relate to it 100%. I love my kids so much, but wow is it SO HARD. I have told my therapist that I want to discuss autism and the possibility that I could have it. I need to learn how to cope. Thank you for this!
This was really good! We have ‘quiet time’ every day after lunch time. The whole house, we shut the curtains and put the lamp on and the kids will play quietly on iPads while I will take a break in a dark room
The kids love it as they get to play on there games but I if I don’t do this I literally end up having serious anxiety and over loads In the evening… I feel like it’s an after noon reset to get through the rest of the day!
Thanks for sharing this! My kids love having alllll of the blinds and curtains closed and lights off and it drives me nuts! I have to have natural light until the sun goes down and then soft lamps only. We are all so interesting, aren’t we?
Very smart
We have one kid with adhd and the other with autism and us parents with both. One kid wants darkness, silence, calm and peace, and the other wants brightness and loudness and things happening all the time 🤣🤯 Motherhood has definetly been the most difficult thing happening in my life, and until my autism diagnosis I have been severely hard on myself for it, feeling as a horrible parent, and now I finally understand why, and we are for the first time able to (try to) find strategies that work for our family as a whole set of four very different individuals. 💗🫶 so greatful! Thank you so much for sharing! ❤️🌸
@@Petiteparisienne87 I can really relate to this! We are all neurodivergent in our house too all four of us and so very different…. It’s like re learning life again isn’t it and accepting that we are not born to be neurotypical… this is something I struggle with self acceptance it’s scary how limited I actually am but I have tried so hard to keep up with everything for so long I’m just so burnt out ❤️
Lately my children’s social calendar has cause an extreme anxiety in me. I always been socially awkward but this new struggle brought me to your channel. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn’t understand why they needed so much social interaction. Plus noticing their reaction to loud noises and certain textures lead me to seek answers. Thank you.
I've identified parenting as a huge area of anxiety for me. I was so freaked out when my oldest came to the age that I thought they might have their first memory. I worried that what if it wasn't a good memory. Sometimes I've said things that I wish I could take back, I remember things my parents said to me that really left a bad mark on me psychologically. Discipline and routine r good for kids, I don't even have a solid routine really for myself still now. I don't like to fly by the seat of my pants but I often do in some ways like with meals. It's much easier if I prepare ahead of time to come up with something, and like thaw meat lol. I try talking to people about my worries but it's scary for me. I really worry about being judged as a bad parent. I really worry that I'm a bad mom. I've read about neglect and freaked myself out that I neglect them, there's so much to be freaked out about. I don't know where to turn
I identify so much with doing well in managing yourself being easier without a secondary stream of consciousness firing at you! You’re doing such a good job with this channel I hope you make more videos. Though I haven’t been active on TH-cam in years let me know if you ever want tips on how to grow things more quickly
I've got more in the works and appreciate your support! We were out of town this past weekend so I'm a little behind my original pace. And yes I'm always open to learning tips about being more discoverable!
I am 64 and JUST FINALLY realizing I am both autistic and have an ADHD brain! I'm in the process of ADHD/ AUTISM testing - FINALLY!!!!!!!! I cannot wait for my external validation - it's such a relief - I have felt so bad about myself my whole life - why do I struggle so hard, why does no one else see it??? Why am I so weird? Why can't I say the right thing at the right time? Why can't I can't I control myself? I'm as surprised as everyone else by most of what comes out of my mouth - there is no pre-thought - nope - why does being honest hurt everyone around me? Why do I feel like a chameleon? Why is having friends so draining? How will I know if I will be triggered by an innocent interaction with a friend? Why can't I "switch gears"???
I am not a mother but I feel your point about being a slow processor so deeply !!!! It is absolutely the case for me. Very hard for other ppl to understand how social stuff / just being in not-my-place environment affect my functioning afterwords
I'm currently pregnant with my first child and am just now realizing that I may be neurodivergent. I also feel a profound and inexplicable deep joy and overwhelm about becoming a parent. The feeling itself is so complex that I find it distracting me from every day tasks and working and staying on track has proved even harder than before I was pregnant. She has become a new special interest. I find her fascinating and indulge in thinking of her often. All while a bit overwhelmed that I know I need to do x y and z just to prepare properly for her arrival.
Sometimes that feeling comes from different places. Sometimes it comes from comparing myself with other people who are seemingly neurotypical. That can make me feel often clueless and naive. That naivety can be distracting and I delve into new research. Maybe it's the boundlessness of existence in it's purest form through reproduction that means to us there will never be a full understanding of anything especially our own children. Maybe that's the secret nestled in the magic of the world: there's nothing TO figure out or plan... Behind all the games we make up of having jobs and doing taxes and paying bills and stuff... There's really nothing to life except being utterly magical...
Not comparing your self to NT is great advice and one I wish I could follow more but social media makes it hard…
I remember when I came home
from the hospital with my firstborn (son) I had the biggest sense of doom. All of a sudden I got this sense of sadness and worry that my life was never going to be the same and that scared the sh!t out of me. I was someone who liked to be alone. I needed my time alone. And now It seemed I would never be alone. It was incredibly hard for me and I felt so much shame on top of that. How could I take care of his needs when I was barely meeting my own? Moms were supposed to be happy and enjoying their babies and I felt like I was mourning the life/routine I had. As much as I loved my son, I cried everyday. I was diagnosed with post partum anxiety and depression. I remember I would fantasize about divorcing my husband so that we would have shared custody and I could have 1/2 the week to myself. I was in a very dark place. Eventually at around 1.5 years old I started to feel much better and I got used to my new normal. I feel sad now to think of how emotionally unavailable I was to my baby. Don’t get me wrong, I did all the things I was supposed to do and more! I played, I read, I snuggled and diligently kept a routine. But there wasn’t enjoyment. Everything felt underlined with a sense of panic, doom and emptiness…
Fast forward to 9 years later. My son is recently diagnosed with ASD and anxiety disorder and I’m just realizing I have it too.
Our lives are good though. We are a qwerky family of 4. I’m so proud of my kids and I’m looking forward to helping them grow and succeed in the ways that were not available for me when I was growing up. Not bc my parents were bad but bc of lack of awareness.
Wow this sounds like me
My experience is nearly identical to yours. Once my daughter came along, it exceeded my capacity to manage it. I had always known I was different but chalked it up to eccentricity, which runs in my family, surprise surprise. The day of my daughter's ASD evaluation is the day I figured it out. I was like huh...all of these things are me as well OMG. It took a few more years to get my official diagnosis, but I was pretty sure that day.
I feel like my kids (and sometimes husband) are constantly interrupting me and it's very overwhelming and frustrating. I've realized that it probably looks like I'm available (like when I'm making supper or doing some other routine hands-on-thing and am not having a conversation or listening to anything) and it's not their fault, but I've got my own thing going on in my head and feel so interrupted. With multiple kids wanting my attention at once, on top of my own thoughts/sensations, it's too much. I try to have them take turns so I can focus and I tell them that sometimes it's my turn or that I need some time to wrap up my thoughts before I can listen to them. I'm working to try to get more routine planned breaks and down time by myself to process. It helps so much when breaks are a regular (even if it has to be infrequent) thing I can count on and look forward to.
yes being interrupted infuriates my brain!
I say to them "Mom can only do one thing at the tima and now it is cookig, not talking! "
@@EvaTuinhaas Great idea! I normally try to do that but my ADHD daughter simply doesn’t stop!! 😂🥰
True. But i will really burn things and set the fire alarm off and such. That is quite impressive. So i say 'remember when the fire alarm went off? If you go on it will happen again!' Sometimes i need to help them find something else to do instead.
I identified so much with this! I feel like the pandemic really amplified a lot of my feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.
I'm quite the chatterbox and both my kids r too, always making noise, now I see y people find me annoying lol. I love them and obviously I don't wanna b forever telling them to shut up, not very nice, I have a hard time focusing. I need to talk about things and write about them to process. If things seem already too chaotic I feel like I can't talk because I don't want to add to the chaos, also I can't write when people r talking because it's so distracting. My kids r so much like me. I try to remember to really listen and b present but it's tough sometimes. I am definitely not a perfect mother, and it's sort of what I'm trying to be which is bad I know, obviously it would never happen but still. It's so important of a thing, I wanna do a great job.
I'm so glad u made a video on this topic, thank you so much. I really relate to you so much.
My husband and I, (suspect we're both autistic) don't always see eye to eye about discipline and I remember it being a big thing my parents fought about so it freaks me out of course. I think u shouldn't yell at children, yelling is awful, we both do it tho. I don't know what else to do sometimes to b heard. I wish there was a rule book about how not to mess up your kids. Just show them u love them and take care of their basic needs right? Well it's not simple to do that.
My daughter is learning to read and the teacher said she was behind with it, we hadn't been making sure she did her reading at home, so now we do but it caused me to realize something: I really struggle to read while other people r talking, I need quiet. So I realized that maybe she just needs more quiet during the testing and at home, wherever she's reading. I realized another connection too, she's a picky eater like I was and I haven't been very understanding toward her about it. Some things she will cry and absolutely refuse to eat, you'd think someone who was the same would at least b compassionate but no I wasn't. It was so annoying because I definitely wasn't about to make her something else, I had a hard enough time putting the meal together I did manage. I did buy some easier stuff to make it easier like now I just do granola bar breakfasts because the morning is a bad time for me lol. I'm not a smiling apron-wearer making pancakes on school mornings. Sometimes these perfect images in our heads r not someone we could b and that is definitely the case with me in the morning.
Another thing is I don't like when other people say that I'm a good mom because I always think, y do they think that? What could they have possibly seen to back up that idea? They just think I'm nice and my kid isn't scared of me so I must b a good mom. I know people r trying to b nice and supportive which is fine but it just makes me question y and it doesn't make me even consider that it could b true.
I guess I've probably gone on long enough at this point, I know it's my 3rd comment too... I have a lot to say on the subject. I have asked in therapy before about parenting classes and apparently u can get parenting classes from child and family services, maybe I should give it a try. Anybody have any recommendations of books or courses, I really want to not mess it up
I really like "how to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". All the parenting books by those authors are really good, actually.
@@er6730 ok thank u
Thanks Tay for sharing. I got dx a few months ago age 45. I started thinking I might be autistic nearly 2 years ago when my youngest son, age 8, was diagnosed himself. We are a ND family. My 13 yr old son has Tourette syndrome, ADHD and anxiety. Hugs x
Maybe I need to take some notes from you! :) Yes I feel like my son being on the spectrum is part of what led me to pursue my own diagnosis. It's all so interesting how it's connected. Sending hugs back.
I’m a mom of four and was diagnosed with ADHD at 28 after I had my third. I relate so much to almost all of this but interestingly, what I notice is that my biggest challenge is actually parenting my oldest, who is as neurotypical as you can get lol as opposed to my second, for example, who I’m pretty sure has ADHD too (based on my own observations and experience). I find it so hard to relate to my oldest and provide him with everything he needs since I don’t personally understand his world at all. Thankfully, my husband is the best father anyone can ask for and is naturally great at parenting so I’ve automatically learned to use any strategies I’ve observed from watching them interact in order to communicate effectively with him myself.. on the other hand, with my second, I feel like I know how his mind works and instinctively know how to relate to him and communicate. I also fully agree with enjoying the newborn phase! You get to just bond and cuddle the way you like with a minimal set of rules, nothing too deep to figure out or think too much about throughout the day…
My neurotypical doughter really involves in all kind of social activities and recently my biggest challange is to explain her social situations and things that come with relationships while most of the time I don't understand them myself.
I needed this. I’ve been comparing myself to other parents and it’s just not adding up. Incidentally, it’s the newborn phase that undid me. When I had to take care of a newborn and wasn’t able to access coping skills, that’s when I realized my experience felt so different to my girlfriends with kids.
I love motherhood, certainly now more than I thought I would, but I’m nervous on the days where I can’t keep it together and I keep seeking out tools but no one else seems to have my challenges. I’m in the process of getting tested as well as just trying to have Grace with myself.
Also the boredom! My toddler is amazing and he’s not boring, but everything he’s into is SO boring! Hahaha Does anyone else get anxiety about their kiddo getting bored? Or feel bored because you can’t really do your own thing while caring for your kids? And if so has anyone figured out how to manage those feelings?
I doubt this is actually helpful advice, but after I had my second child, I didn't have time to feel bored anymore. 😂 🤷♀️
It’s a change in capacity for me.
So so understand exactly what you are saying. Thank you for making these videos!
Really enjoyed this video as well and so true with the TALKING! Appreciated not feeling alone. Slightly unrelated to this video but ? in general have you done a video or talked about rejection sensitive dysphoria? Maybe part of the HSP but cannot find that video either. Thxs bunches!!!!
wow you have introduced a new term to me! I had not yet heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria but I'm intrigued and started doing a little digging. I don't have any resources I can share about that right now but I'll definitely post if I come across more in the future or decide to do a video on it!
I ended up dissociating my kids childhood and I am struggling dealing with the guilt.
Oh gosh. I am not a parent*, but what caused me to actually seek out an autism diagnosis (I'd suspected for a while but it was officially confirmed YESTERDAY) was a sharp increase in the managing-other-people's-needs aspects of my work which broke my existing coping strategies...which has some similarities.
I'd heard from other people that being a graduate program or department chair was challenging...but this hit me WAY harder than I expected. It's not that I HATE it; I quite like being able to help out out the students and faculty in my program, and figuring out efficient systems is something I'm good at (which is why I got asked to do this in the first place). But OMG, it is just SO MUCH. And I'm still in the midst of figuring out what I need to do to manage that without getting into a state where I will unprofessionally snap at someone or burst into tears, or crashing to the point that I can't function for a full afternoon. And the "don't compare yourself to how NT people do things" is definitely a part of that.
*In terms of parenting... I used to assume that I'd have a kid someday, because that's what people do. But I was pretty sure one was my limit, and if it didn't happen that would be OK. I was prompted to revisit this when my then-fiancee said he definitely didn't want ANY. And I basically came to the conclusion that I quite like interacting with kids who are six or older...but I really have trouble with those younger than that. The idea of getting through the period of toddlerhood was never something I'd wanted to think about. I could probably have managed if I had a partner who was really into it...but I didn't. So it was actually pretty easy for me to go "yeah, OK - no kids!"
He and I are no longer together, but I don't regret that decision. I get to play auntie a few times a year - and of course I have my undergraduate and graduate students to mentor - and that feels like enough. But I've also toyed with the idea of maybe adopting an older child (though any 7 YO who needs a new family has probably been through some trauma, so I'd want to make sure I was in a space where I could help them with that), and if I happened to form a new relationship with someone who had kids, that would probably be cool too (as long as there weren't a billion of them!).
You help me to understand my autism, thank you so much❣️💖
All of this is so relatable, thank you!
You're welcome! Thanks for your comment.
I was diagnosed with depression after my kids were born, but now that one of my kids has been diagnosed AuDHD, I don't think that was it. I think I had sensory overload so bad I burned out. I had twins. I dropped so many things that I had been taking care of decently before kids. Even the bills started getting paid late even though there was money to pay them. My kids are in college now, and I notice an increased ability to do things when their schools are in session. It seems like there's a cognitive load just because the kids are in the house even though they can cook for themselves, do their own laundry, etc. It's definitely a lower load than when they were babies needing fed, changed, watched, etc. but it's still there.
In a way I'm sad that I never had the opportunity to have kids, but in a way, I'm relieved because babysitting just about undid me. For me, kids = sensory overload.
This was so helpful for me to hear! I’m self diagnosed and I homeschool my kids. Do you have any other videos about being an autistic parent? ❤
I literally came home from the hospital with 3 books, birth - 6, 6-12 months and 1-3 years but now I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. They're off the instruction manuals lol. I felt like things were more clear then with what I had to do. I don't feel completely at a loss but I really wish there was more instructions. I've read other books about parenting but I don't know who to trust. I feel like my mom was so great and I want to be like her but not in every way, like maybe discipline wasn't a strong area of hers
parenting is a massive challenge.
Absolutely. I'm planning on making more videos about this soon. Please let me know if you have any specific areas of parenting you'd like to see covered.
@@MomontheSpectrum what do you do when you’re by yourself and you get overwhelmed? Like with the children? Also have you ever taken them to the store /outing on your own and how did that go?
@@camella-inreallife Hi Cami, I avoid taking them out in public by myself whenever possible! It's been easier to do that during the pandemic. I will take them in the car with me to pickup groceries curbside (we have those services in the US, not sure where you're located). Or I can take them to the park. On a good day when I have energy and am not overstimulated I can sometimes handle taking them to the neighborhood pool.
If we're going to eat somewhere away from home, I'll try to order ahead and do pickup so we spend as little time in the restaurant as possible. Or I'll pick the food up and bring it back home for us to eat.
When I'm by myself and I get overwhelmed, my kids are old enough now (5 and 7) to where I feel comfortable shutting my bedroom door for a bit and either sitting in silence, reading, or zoning out on my phone.
Also, I let them play a lot of video games. :)
When they were younger, I'd put them in a baby bouncer or another thing that they were safe in, stay in the same room with them and turn on cartoons for them to watch. I'd do my best to let my husband know it was a tough day and sometimes as soon as he got home, I'd head out for a bit. Sometimes just to drive around the block and listen to loud music. Time by myself is usually a great reset button.
I relate to this soooo much, thank you!
You’re welcome! I’d like to make more parent-related content in the near future. Please let me know if you have any topic suggestions!
@@MomontheSpectrum aww man, there's so much! Honestly I thought I outgrew my "issues" until I had my son and realized that actually I'm autistic and it was just easier to cope when I was living alone😅
But maybe something on how to not hold your kids back while also taking care of your own needs? My son is only 4 but I feel so bad that we don't like to to the playground or on fun adventures more often (I actually like adventuring but trying to do it with a kid feels overwhelming so I avoid it). I don't want to hold him back from experiences but I also don't want to have a meltdown on him and I don't know what's worse😔
This is great feedback. Thank you for sharing this! I have many similar experiences.
Potty training. Please tell me someone else is struggling with this. I feel terrible, but I don't know how anyone else does this. I can't handle the germs and the accidents. Day 3 of my 3rd attempt and my emotional regulation is gone.
Ugh! Potty training is just the WORST! I hated every moment of it with both my kids. I sincerely hope you have an easier time than I did. One thing that helped me was buying a lot of cheap underwear and not feeling bad about throwing it out if I just didn't have the energy to deal with it.
❤thank you for this
Loved it!! Thank you 🥰 so helpful!
You're welcome! I'm planning on doing more parenting videos that cover specific topics. Do you have any parental experiences you'd like to see explored?
@@MomontheSpectrum yes please, how do you deal with making sure you have “you time” away from your kids and husband. Do you become consumed by your children’s lives and to do lists that you put yours to the side? Resulting in overwhelming meltdowns? When do you know that you need “you time” only when everything gets too much? (I normally realise too late that I need alone time)
Also how do you balance making time for exercise, journaling, time alone with a close friend, work, cooking, taking care of yourself, family time, friend time, husband time, kid time - basically balancing being a mom.
And how do you deal with your children being told mean things at school/family. My in laws don’t know that I am autistic and sometimes say such insensitive things to me and I try my best never to react but if they had to say it to my daughter one day knowing that she will probably also be extremely sensitive like me I don’t know how I will teach her to deal with that or how I will stay calm and not react knowing that it will be so hurtful to her too. I hope I am making sense 😊
I just find it so difficult dealing with people who don’t know the me under my masking that I am scared I won’t be able to teach my kids to cope and they too will struggle like I do and I would never want that.
Thanks so much 🙏
Oof yep all great questions that I’d love the answer to 🤣 I have some thoughts that id be happy to put together in a video before too long. In the meantime, a book that has been really helpful for me is “Who You Were Meant to Be” by Lindsay C. Gibson. It addresses this sentiment and has helped me discover a renewed sense of peace and calm.
Other thoughts…
Everyone is different and there is no correct approach to life, but practicing being present in each moment has been really helpful. It is a lifelong practice for sure. One thing at a time. If you get caught in your brain, try to get into your body. What are you seeing. What are you touching. What are you hearing. Don’t resist your current situation. Accept what “is” and then focus on the next best step. Easier said than done. And it probably sounds like too simplistic of a solution, but it is bringing me so much peace.
Last thought - waking up early. I don’t really enjoy the idea of it, but getting up before the kids and having quiet time to myself is absolutely essential.
Thanks for bringing up these questions. I will plan on adding a video with more info about my thoughts in the rotation soon. So good to be connected with you!
@@MomontheSpectrum thank you so so much!! I will definitely get the book 🥰
I’ve always wanted kids, since I was a kid. I worry now after being diagnosed with autism that I won’t be able to parent.
It’s totally possible! Just requires some extra support and understanding. But it’s also a very personal decision.
Agreed! It so hard, but it’s also sooo amazing!! If you want children I recommend doing it. You just need to honor your coping skills and ask for help and have support.
I’m a 44 year old mum my daughter is coming 20 an my son is 17 an I was in a very unhappy marriage with their father who could be emotionally cruel to me an smash things in anger especially wen he drank on the odd occasions but I lived on egg shells for twenty years and because he wasn’t very supportive with r kids I done everything with them to do with life school etc but I found being a parent also very very hard as my son who is neurodivergent would repeat asking things an tapped a lot or kids soft play areas the noise of all the kids in those places made my anxiety go thru the roof so it was the only thing ther dad actually done with the kid thankfully 😅 but we separated as mental health got bad an my kids at first were with me briefly but I couldn’t cope so they went to live with their dad and looking back now while I’m waiting on being assessed for asd that maybe that why I was finding it hard to cope it would make alot of sense now when I think about it I never thought of being on the spectrum even tho I suffer with sensory issues also 🤔🤓
💚 this!
An infant, despite all the work, is predictable. A toddler is not.
I'm late diagnosed at 37 have 16 11 and 8 year old girls.youngest is deaf.
Sending love and light your way! 🙏🏼 thanks for visiting the channel
Could I please have your therapists name? Parenting is so hard for me. 😭 I have 7, 5 still at home.
I love your videos videos I am autistic person also and i am trying to found a good way to deal with and find a good girlfriend that will except me for I am i bullied all the time for liking roller coasters I am travel around the world to ride I am 20 years old now I wish people would stop for it and I wish they would get to know me I have to hid from people and don’t know how it is gonna be when I throw kids in the picture one day I came across your channel today so for the tips for relationships I like going to theme parks that how relaxing have fun I don’t have many friends because they like them
Hello. I’m a NT woman married to a ND woman…I watch you, and yes lol I know not to generalize or stereotype (everyone is different), BUT lol, you look sooo much different than my spouse. She is ALWAYS negative and harsh. I came into this relationship with two daughters now 18 and 11, then 9 and 15. We are at complete odds all the time because of her being hypercritical and judgmental. Absolutely everything is a struggle. She could literally go days without talking to the girls… because regular conversation to check in with them, and to show care and concern is completely lost on her. Such as: how are you, how was school, how was work, do you need anything, how was that test, hi, bye, have good day.. etc She says it’s fake and contrived. However, this is the part that really bothers me and hurts is that she can do all those things for me (the hi’s, bye, how are you’s etc), but NOT the girls. The only time she will talk to them is to be critical, and tell them they’ve done something wrong. We feel as though we can’t do anything right for her. My girls are my life, and if she can’t be right with them, she will never be right with me and she doesn’t get that. Do you? Does that make sense? She says she is not in a relationship with them, she’s in a relationship with me. (but she is… she is their step mom). She says the most hurtful things sometimes!! I have a hard time moving forward and I have no clue how to fix it. I understand that asking her to do certain things would be masking to her because she just doesn’t get it, and I understand that, but if she knows it hurts someone else, why wouldn’t she do it anyway? At this point, I don’t even care that it’s fake, I just want peace. We feel sooo lost and don’t know how to fix it. And I’m having trouble coming to the understanding that there really is no fixing it. It’s not an illness that can just be fixed, but i thought it could be managed, but the more time that goes on, I don’t think there’s even hope for that. And by managed, I don’t mean her, I mean us all. That we all could work together to make things better. I just don’t feel like it’s possible anymore. 😭😭Do you have any advice or insight? You mentioned psychotherapy, which I’ve suggested before, but her comment is something like she has gone in the past but she just tends to tell them what they want to hear and manipulate the conversation. She wicked smart too. Help? Please?
So sorry to hear you're going through these challenging situations right now. It sounds like you're wanting some tools and resources to help your family better communicate and understand each other. I think you're right that psychotherapy is a great suggestion. It is hard when others don't want to participate in the way you would hope for. Focus on what YOU can change to create happiness within yourself. Hang in there!
Maybe family therapy to learn to communicate better? I get her side and your side of the argument... The TH-cam channel Cinema Therapy may be a good resource to start constructive conversations...
@@MomontheSpectrum thanks for the reply. 😊. How did you find a therapist that specializes in dealing autism? And what that means for relationships? I’m having a hard time finding a specialist.
Welp, accidentally clicked dislike button. Meant the like button 😮changed it straight away lol 😊
Lol no worries
Dealing with my son embarrassing me in public was difficult. I pretended not to know him several times.