When family bonds are broken
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2021
- Blood is thicker than water, but when family members become estranged, some experts say the pain of loss can be even greater than if they'd died. Correspondent Susan Spencer discusses family estrangements, which appear to be far more common than previously thought, and how it's never too late to reconcile broken bonds.
"CBS Sunday Morning" features stories on the arts, music, nature, entertainment, sports, history, science and Americana, and highlights unique human accomplishments and achievements. Check local listings for CBS Sunday Morning broadcast times.
Subscribe to the "CBS Sunday Morning" TH-cam channel: bit.ly/20gXwJT
Get more of "CBS Sunday Morning": cbsn.ws/1PlMmAz
Follow "CBS Sunday Morning" on Instagram: bit.ly/23XunIh
Like "CBS Sunday Morning" on Facebook: bit.ly/3sRgLPG
Follow "CBS Sunday Morning" on Twitter: bit.ly/1RquoQb
Subscribe to our newsletter: cbsn.ws/1RqHw7T
Download the CBS News app: cbsn.ws/1Xb1WC8
Try Paramount+ free: bit.ly/2OiW1kZ
For video licensing inquiries, contact: licensing@veritone.com
![[TH] VCT Masters Shanghai Swiss Stage DAY 5 // FPX vs TH | FUT vs LEV](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/r61uDZTmu44/mqdefault.jpg)
I’m glad others in the comments are bringing up how some estrangements never need to be reconciled. A toxic and abusive family member should never be a part of your life.
Feel same too! Especially those of us that had mental and physical abuse and I STILL get shamed and blamed by others that I'm the awful child even though I tell them what happened.😔
It's not always healthy to care too much. It takes more than one to create a healthy relationship.
I’ve found this to be true as well. It’s unfortunate, but true.
I agree. This is exactly the conclusion I arrived at after trying so often with my much older sister. She was toxic and there would be no changing that.
I'm the one who was gotten rid of. I had my daughter out of wedlock 46 years ago. My mother could not have any other children after me, so she wanted mine. I refused to give up my daughter to her, so she went on a smear campaign against me. I got married to a German man and moved to Germany with my daughter. We lived in peace for 7 years. I thought returning after 7 years, things would change. It didn't my mother came back at me stronger than before. She began reporting child abuse against me. My daughter denied them at first. But when she turned 13 years old after the wonderful life and freedom to do what she wanted to do that my mother promised her, they came up with a story. We were investigated, the case was closed, but that did not stop my mother. She found a friend whose son was a social worker and through him, a case was filed successfully. I do have other children. When they heard all the awful things that were said about me, they were outraged at their sister, who knows those stories aren't true. I was an ESL teacher since I lived in Germany and now retired comfortably on my German and American pensions, not a prostitute as my mother told them. I was married to my other children's father for 30 years before he passed away 12 years ago, and I live alone. I have not been in and out of relationships as my mother told them. I have never been divorced. My other children deeply dislike all of them for the lack of respect and contempt they have for their father and me. They wish I would break contact to them, but that's my daughter and my mother. It's very hard for me. So, if you think that because I was the one who should never be a part of their lives. The other part of my family think that my mother is a malignant narcissist, who with lies, manipulation and threats to destroy their lives if they challenge her, has managed to control my daughter and grandchildren. My other kids don't think that a good person would do that. I have worked most of my life, I have a home and assets, none of them are in my will. My mother, daughter and grandchildren have lived from welfare of disability. And no, I didn't make my money as a prostitute as my mother tells everyone. I worked hard, invested in houses and stocks. I did not sit around all day talking bad about people, in order to feel good about myself. My other children have good careers too. How dare you all judge people without knowing the circumstances. People like you only hear one side of the story. No one asked me for my side. My grandchildren told my sons, thinking they'd be cool with them talking bad about me because every one of them does. My sons blew up, confronted their sister, walked out of there and have not spoken to them for over 11 years.
Sometimes the estrangement is the only way to keep one's sanity.
Well said and so very true.
Yes!
My childhood home was governed by narcissism, sociopathy and addiction.
At ages 12 and 16, I was near suicide.
At 63, I believe that abandoning my biological family is the wisest thing I’ve done.
Sadly true.
I agree. This piece really glosses over factors like abuse or addiction. It’s really oversimplified as if it’s all one big misunderstanding. But for some people, myself included, removing oneself from the abuse is the healthiest way to learn new functional behaviors, foster healthy intimacy in relationships, and heal.
Sometimes family members are toxic, abusive.
My family operated on a 24-hour cycle.
Just because you’re family doesn’t mean that those people should automatically be in your life forever, no matter what.
Exactly so. There’s more to look down and look up upon.
AGREED.....
Yup! When I moved across the country I started to realize how necessary that move really was.
This is true, but the point being made here is that the sadness, the shame, the stigmatism, and the guilt remains…no matter how self-righteous you feel about the separation.
@@lindabratsch9091 Not for me. The strongest emotion I have is RELIEF that the psycho is far away and I'm not endangered by his evil.
This piece doesn't touch on how pervasive the abuse and mistreatment of children is by families of origin. The adult children that break away should be admired for their clarity of mind and bravery.
Yes
Thank you. Well said-and it’s so sadly true.
Absolutely!!!!!!!!
the truth is mental illness can masquerade as many things to the outside world & adult children with several ACEs, C-PTSD from childhood that continue into adulthood need to set excruciating boundaries to keep themselves whole and healthy mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. making a decision to step away can take decades of counseling, unhealthy choices and heartache.
Exactly
My mother was the glue that held our family together. When she died, so did our family. I no longer speak to my siblings nor my POS father. I don't need their toxicity in my life. Blood doesn't make you a family.
😁 Yeah, who needs enemies when ya got family.
They say one of the worst things in life is to hold a grudge - so I didn't. I let them go (family/relatives).
@@wendylu6939
Though I was being a bit humorous with my sarcasm I meant what I said. Like you, amongst many others no doubt, after years of fruitless efforts to be diplomatic I finally prioritized my happiness and sanity by dispatching friends and family who served no purpose other than to press on with their ambitions and mind numbing agendas. If I may so, it sounds like you did the right thing too. I only wish I had done this in my 20's so I hadn't wasted so much time & effort on personality parasites.
No amount of money, other conveniences, and especially relationships are worth compromising peace of mind.
My grandmother was that glue. There are cousins who I haven't seen in decades.
It happens a lot when a grandparent or parent dies. The family splinters and/ or simply falls apart.
@@maxmulsanne7054 Same!!! We can CHOOSE our Friends! Amen.
Self care also means protecting yourself from the riff-raff and chaos your family brings into your life.
Riff raff.*
Basically it is just looking after number one really.
I got it my sister. She stopped talking in January
@@sylvia106 thanks! English is my second language. Good you understood what I wanted to say.
Facts
51 years and finally cut out my parents,sisters,their children. I will not tolerate IV drug use, codependentcy,incarceration,theft,verbal abuse....etc...
I was neglected as a child and finally woke up at 51 years old.
Right on!
I wish more people could pull away from Toxic relationships.
Mental health is a priority.
The problem is (when you're a kid) you're stuck with your family until you're old enough to leave. Sadly by then, you have absorbed and learned some pretty rotten head-trips and behaviors from the un-well people who raised you, or damage from siblings that abused you and your rotten parents who didn't protect you. It usually takes therapy or enormous amount of self-reflection and self-help to retrain ones behaviors and not reenact the same bad things in ones relationships. Even when one can achieve healthier behaviors, certain things will trigger deep subconscious reactions and one is left shaking their head at their own behavior and wondering "where did that come from? Why did I just unleash like this on my wonderful friend or spouse?"
And as we age, our perceptions become clearer I think.
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
And priceless.
@@kristinemcgill6079 What you said is so true! My husband was raised in a completely dysfunctional family. Really crazy stuff. It has taken him years to distance himself from the way he was raised and realize his parents had major issues. And through an autism diagnoses of our son a few years ago, we've come to realize that there was probably undiagnosed autism going back to his grandfather along with other mental illnesses in the family. At 55 years old, my husband finally has found peace and an ability to process feelings instead of living life in denial like most of his family members do. It's just a really sad situation that has continued with some of his siblings and some of the grandchildren as well. Thank goodness my husband was able to get professional help and break the cycle of dysfunction.
2:09 “I think when a family member walks away, it’s almost more painful, than if they died.”
It hurts so much to have lonely holidays, memories and dreams of them, and to miss out on special occasions with them. But sometimes it hurts more to stay.
I've learned that the pain of being present with family is worse than the lonely holidays. That sounds really depressing, but I have no other alternative.
you have me I have you thank you
Its called a trauma bond. You are bonded by tragedy. Not healthy.
Wow I felt this. My niece is having a baby with my ex boyfriend and the pain has really isolated me from everyone. My family has been accepting and loving and I can’t see them together without feeling horrible
@@ABSG7 I am so sorry you are forced to experience this I feel you sending you love & strength
Staying with poisonous people doesn’t make you more righteous or devoted to others. It steals our joy and cripples our society. It’s a warped version of love.
Maya Angelou says it best “ when people show you who they are, believe them”. It’s not my responsibility to change anyone but myself. Creating boundaries IS NOT SELFISH! If you want a healthier society stop accepting the cup of poison that other people (including family) offer you to drink. Love them from afar but don’t give them power over your heart & head. There is no shame in protecting yourself. Be blessed!
Amen , thank you so much for those words, I needed to hear them.
I totally agree.
❤️
When our only child, our daughter, threw us away after years of loving her through her mental health and substance abuse issues we still tried to reach out. Several years later she made it clear: do NOT contact me. We had to eventually factor in the fact that we matter too. We gave too much. We have honored that demand. I only wish I had the courage to look at her baby pictures. I love her so. Thank you Melanie.
@@JustMe-gh7ib I’m sorry for the disconnect/loss of your only child. That is no doubt heartbreaking. Grief never ends, it just washes over us at different times and ways. I hope you continue seeking healing and maybe one day you can use that loving parent energy to help others.
I spent 30 years taking mental and emotional abuse from an older sibling. My parents were not only aware of the behavior but would defend my sibling when I spoke up. Telling me things like "ohh that's just how they are, its still your sibling so you have forgive and love them, just take it with a grain of salt" I finally reached my breaking point and told my family I was done. I explained my decision clearly, and even though several other family members had witnessed & confirmed the abuse they shut me out unless I took it back & apologized (I was suppose to apologize to my abuser, let that sink in). I spent 30 years thinking it was ok to be treated poorly and sinking into depression because of the "family is everything" mantra. THIS NEEDS TO STOP. stop pushing family no matter what. So many people like me are stuck in horrible situations because they believe it is wrong to speak out about family members.
You are EXACTLY RIGHT. I am so sorry you've had to go through that. But that said, I am so glad to know I'm not alone. Mother never wanted me from day one, and has let me know verbally, physically, and emotionally all of my life. My father always gets mad at me because I can't be around her. I've tried my best, I've killed her with kindness. But she's incapable of any emotion except evil. That isn't my fault and it's not my problem. My dad seems to think everything should he swept under rug and ignored. But how do you ignore what she continues to do? Impossible. So I stay away. I have to self protect at this point. As a child and teenager, she almost killed me several times. She is the most vicious and toxic alcoholic I've ever heard of or seen in my life. She chose alcohol over her family over 50 years ago. A tiger can't change its stripes. But atleast I can save myself now, at 58. Because of everything she did to me growing up, I've never even LOOKED at alcohol. God bless you
@@sparkysmom7149 bless you! You are most definitely not alone! So many people never speak up, afraid of what society tells us about family. I’m so happy for you that you were able to escape and work on healing yourself. I hope you find the happiness and love you were denied, you deserve to be loved and wanted 😀
I was told this too, my father told me I just had to accept my mothers narcissistic abuse. The disconnect from reality is so disturbing.
In Louisiana every man is bought with a price my family members are rewarded greatly.
Ditto. And I should have cut ties years ago. I feel better every day😍
Family isn't everything. Family can be a constant source of stress and disappointment. If a family member cuts out, consider it a blessing and move on. No matter how much it hurts.
Easier said than done forgetting it even forgiving doesn't seem possible right now.
@@conniealford1020 Then don't try. Look around you and within you. What's good? What's honest? What can take you down a path of success and happiness? Explore those things wholeheartedly. Trying to mend a broken family situation won't take you anywhere, but just keep you behind mired in heartache. Trust me. Life is short. Make it count. Be the best version of yourself you can create. That will help you heal and protect you from familial strife and other downturns you may experience.
@@conniealford1020 exactly it's not easy at all. I miss both my cousin and my sister we both fell out and it's pretty bad we haven't spoken to each other for months which isn't normal for I'm afraid I lost them forever
@@HarvestMoon2049 💯💯💯
@@ladyboiava I understand. I recently experienced the same thing with a first cousin of mine. The chilling part is that whatever issue there was it was never discussed, just months of silence. We were like sisters, at least I thought we were. Sometimes we may cherish a bond more than the other person and end up disappointed. I've moved on. I just wanted to share that with you to let you know that you are not alone. In time you all will reconcile, if it's worth mending. 💝💝💝
I have had estrangement from several family members. I see the family members in local stores (they all live about 10 miles from me). I smile at them and do not give them any grief and don’t go to their level. I’ve learned that you have to take care of yourself and not let their behaviors affect you. You can’t change the way people treat you, but you can always be kind and remember you did your best ❤️
Good for you. I will try to remember that. Ty for the wise words.
This report didn't discuss the root cause of Estrangement.
I have learned through hard lessons that anytime a person has an emotional reaction to a situation that is out of proportion to the Reality of what's happening...
that an unrecognized and unresolved Trauma from the person's past has been Triggered.
Until it's recognized, communicated and discussed, and any necessary Forgiveness of self or others occurs, Resolution and Reconciliation is unlikely.
well said
This is how I often deal with negative people in my life- sure, they are different than all of us, but it’s best to see the real side of who they are, than what is actually hidden inside them. As for you, I loved hearing your personal side of the whole segment, as well as what positivity you have to share. Stay blessed and stay gold, Mary.
Thsnk You
For sharing your words of wisdom
'Once you feel avoided by someone never bother them again.' .............. The Buddha
Maybe it could say don't be bothered let it be with peace to avoid being shattered in pieces.
There are times when it's better to put aside the conflict, but there are other times when you're better off avoiding an abusive relative.
And yet there are other times when you should just smoke a bowl.
Put your oxygen mask on yourself before putting it on the person next to you, particularly if you deserve the air more than they do, said a very wise therapist!
avoid abusive relationships at all costs. every time.
My husband and I were both raised in very toxic households. He was a product of alcoholism and domestic violence and I was a product of the foster care system.
Though I was adopted, my adopted parents were very critical and at times very abusive.
Our parents were supposed to be a beacon of Love, encouragement and support but instead they brought us so much heartache and tears.
When my husband and I married and we became parents we realized how toxic our upbringing was and we did not want to continue that cycle with our own children. We made the decision to cut ties with our families in order to become the best parents we wanted to be for our own kids.
We are breaking cycles and are determined to create a generation of healthy kids that don't need to recover from their childhood's.
Two of my kids are estranged from one another and it breaks my heart to think I may never have all my kids together in one room again.
I have said to my siblings, "We are not a family. We're just a bunch of people that used to live together." For a lot us, family is NOT everything.
This is exactly how I feel about my "so-called" family. You are right I do not need their toxicty!
This made me cry… because I don’t know a single person who doesn’t have someone they are at odds with in this sort of way. We all have unkindness in us, whether we want to admit it or not.
Sometimes it's not an issue of it taking "two to tango" with a fractured familial relationship. As an adult child of a covert narcissist, I finally figured out in my 40's my mother would never change, despite decades of pleading with her to stop being so hurtful and toxic. The most kind thing I did for myself was to walk away because she couldn't find it within her to be kind to me.
@@scandia67 so true.
@@scandia67 I never walked away from my very abusive mother, but looking back....I wish I had walked away after becoming an adult! When she finally died, I ceased to feel hurt. I just felt exhausted.... Good for you with walking away!!!
Do you mean you never spoke to her again? Or do you mean you limited your interactions with her?
Every man is bought with a price my family members are highly compensated. Because these government officials trafficking these children through their front UPS trucks FED x trucks postal service trucks they are untouchable. A lot of Louisiana CITIZENS are forced to carry out their EVIL agenda because RAY LAMONICA government officials threaten to expose their darkest secrets.
The mom of the woman who kept her baby, sure missed out on being a grandma and having a relationship with a grandchild. I hope someday to become a Grandma ❤️.
That was such a shocking story. Her mother never forgave her for giving life to her grandchild. As you said, she missed out on an amazing relationship with her grandchild. It’s very sad.
She and her child were both better off. A Grandmother that cruel and misguided would have only been a source of conflict.
That story was so wild to me.. imagine hating your daughter because she refused to abort her own child.
@@sassycat6487 It’s incomprehensible to me.
@@howardjuliewiley5629 well it always is, but still…40 years!
My brother is ten years older than me. Always treated me more like a burden than a sister. When my mother got ill I took care of her 24/7 for 6 years while he and his wife went on cruises. Never helped one bit. He told me the day my mother died not to expect any help. I don't mean financial, like yard work or shoveling snow, or fixing anything in my home. Why would I? He never even visited my mother.
The same will happen to your brother at some point.
I'm going on 4 yrs without my daughter. Her choice, her wish. And to this day I don't know why. Her father and I divorced when she was 5. When she was 10 I moved out of state to get away from the toxic environment. It took a yr and 9 court battles to retain my custody. When she was 16 she moved back with her father and has treated me like dirt ever since. She would always call me to get her out of a crisis situation but when it was over she would leave without word or notice. I thought we were close. Thought there was a bond but something changed. I was able to help raise my 1st grandchild for her first year. I hear I have another. I stopped sending letters, emails and gifts when I heard of the 2nd birth. Communication is a two-way street. I can't fight or waste my time yearning for someone who doesn't want to be part of my life. It still hurts. Sorry to unload. This story really hit home.
It can ALL be extremely difficult on a child, and then without counseling or peer supports it often does not heal those wounds.
We don't understand nor are given the tools to help our children deal with the necessity of (some) divorce situations. Children almost always (even when they are teens or grown) blame themselves in some way .... its murky waters once they get older and don't know how to communicate their anger/feelings.
Believe me when I say, "I understand your pain and sadness." For I've been slighted after my divorce by my own children and then by my step-children who spent many years with me. Time often has been my own answer, and also trying to always apologize for what they had NO control over. That has helped. Good luck ♡
Oh, and don't stop all contact. At least acknowledge a birthday or one holiday which brings you some emotion .... it often takes many years, but they grow up eventually, and want to have you in their life. Don't give up!
@@sB-wt5ov This so resonated with me. My daughter has been estranged from her 22 year old daughter for several years. It was dramatic and painful in the extreme. My daughter has spent a lot of time in self reflection and looking back and admitting to some very very bad decisions she made as a parent. It has been an extremely painful reckoning. She is now examining her own childhood trauma with a great therapist and because of all this the lines of communication are opening up between them again.
@@sB-wt5ov Good advice☺thank you
Your the parent you have to keep trying
True family are those friends and neighbors (and pets) that surround you with unconditional love and compassion.
I was sexually abused for years by my father. Finally at the age of 49 I spoke up. The family stayed with him for money and power. So the pain is new but I’m gonna survive like before without them. Abusers are just as good at grooming allies as they are the victims.
Stay strong Robin. ❤
Same brother stay strong my man ❤❤💪
John, you know your truth . You protected you when others didnt, the invalidation of such a critically deep wound and trauma is almost worse than the thing that causes the trauma in the first place. I hear you, I believe you I'm sending love.
I sorry you have been through it
@@vivdoolan6846his truth? It's THE truth.
I could never understand how my mother wants to hurt me over a husband she choose that molested me for years and tried to make me feel shame instead of leaving him and love and respect me like I deserved. Now at 56 I know my worth❤️
I've been estranged from my family since 2018 due to abuse as well as stigma related to health conditions I have. They decided they wanted nothing else to do with me, so for my sanity, ties were cut. I will say that times during which families are supposed to be together are the hardest for me, I'm learning to move on. I don't expect any kind of apology or reunion ever. When people ask me about my family, I do tell them that it's a long story and usually provide no more information after that. Blood is not thicker than water.
@@DA-wx9oz I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm praying for you. Have you been able to get some help in finding someplace to live? I agree holidays are hard but it is getting easier as time goes on. I also find that I'm having a difficult time trusting other people; I think that's because I still hear my family's voice in my head saying that "I'm no good" or "No one will ever want you" and things like that. I have a wall up for protection.
@@DA-wx9oz I felt this way for years though you have every reason to feel the way you do. Get a dog if you are able, and in no way do I mean to dismiss your feelings, because I am not in your shoes and cannot imagine how you manage- but a dog taught me love, I learned to trust again; I learned loyalty and tenderness from canines throughout my life and applied those lessons to people. If you have medical support and professional support via a therapist, they can and will help you to apply for an emotional support animal, you may receive ongoing financial aid in tending the animal as well. I wish you love, peace to you.
Sometimes regardless of how many times you tried you apologize, how many times you reach out, tried to make amends or reconciled the relationship with a family member, if they never open up to give it a chance it will never happen. As long as you know in your heart you try should not feel guilty and just move on sometimes family is not the one we come from but it's the one we choose to call our family.
What did your apology sound like?
@@sweetbeep TRUTH
Honestly, saying, "don't give up hope" isn't the best advice in many situations. If a person is estranged due to abuse, the estrangement may very well be their happy ending to that relationship.
Agree 100%. In fact, saying "don't give up hope" is the worst advice. I want to ask that "psychologist", would you tell a domestic abuse victim not to give up hope? I am disgusted but also shocked at how astonishingly stupid this video is. Whoever put this poorly researched, simple minded nonsense together is really terrible at their job.
Maybe we’re just getting more real and healthy… Not willing to put up with abuse and toxicity… Some family members can’t hear or don’t want to understand you… Nothing is ever their fault… There is a difference between Soul Family vs Your Relatives…
My g-d I’ve never heard that term before Soul Family!! I love it!
💯💯 Absolutely! It's always something that you've done, almost as if they're looking for a reason to be upset with you. Soul family vs Relatives, that's deep!
Yes, that goes both ways, the not willing to put up with abuse. Please, all of you adult children who have initiated estrangements with your parents, stay away and let them live out the rest of their days in peace, they deserve it after making too many sacrifices for too long. And Happy Adulting, it's your turn to sacrifice now LOL.
I like the terms you used. I always say Love Family and Blood Family. Sometimes they are one in the same, sometimes not. Or any mix in between. It's tough, but sometimes necessary to bow out. Not cow down, but remove yourself from the harmful environment. I've done it once already with my mother, for six months I didn't speak to her. Now, after the way she treated me and my kids when my husband passed away in Sept, plus the way she is behaving now - she did nothing wrong, she's the victim - I'm done!! I'm through!! I am 49 years old and it's time for her to cut the dang strings. I'm not an infant, and I have my own life. Just because I don't tell her everything about everything, she considers it lying and deceitful. No, it's being a person with a life of my own. Everyone deserves that. She literally yelled at me when she called and we were at the hospital about to remove my husband's ventilator so he could pass away in peace. Yelled loudly enough that everyone in the room could hear it, over the ventilator. She swears she didn't. She told my daughter it was "stupid" for her to want to be with her daddy when he died. How can anyone do that to their granddaughter? She has no clue!!! I was there for my parents, going to every doctor appt for two mo the when my dad had a bad decline with his Parkinson's this last summer. She called me crying at midnight a couple of times worried about him. I listened, ai didn't turn her away. Even though I disagreed with how she was handling his medical care, I was always right there. My husband died and she couldn't even say "I'm sorry you're going through this. We are here for you." And now to actually scream and yell at my daughter who is just trying to do her best, that's it!!!! When my parents are gone I still have to be able to live my own life. So I choose to do that now. No, actually, I have no choice. I HAVE to.
Sometimes estrangement is necessary especially when these family members are toxic and bringing you down
It's horribly, terribly painful when people shut you out. It can be devastating.
There are no "toxic" ppl - just our thoughts about them. And we have control over our thoughts.
Maybe we've lost the ability to forgive and let go of hurts.
Very well said.
This is happening more and more. Bonds broken between parents and children, siblings, and other extended family. It's really sad and can make one become bitter.
😔💔
Especially when it's undeserved. Our young people are manipulated and even encouraged to estrange from loving, supportive parents.
These examples barely touch the surface of issues and do not include abuse, addiction, alcoholism, jealousy, manipulation, spreading disinformation, racism, sexism, unrealistic, expectations, etc. This happens among, between and throughout family and very close friends.
The woman who decided to keep her baby...the opposite is true when someone decides not to have children or can't have any.
The part about blaming the other person is interesting. When a family member asks the other "what did i do wrong to you to be angry at me?" They can't even come up with one reason. It seems they don't even know WHY they are so angry and the estrangement continues. 🤷♀️🤷♂️
I'm confused by the last paragraph.
@@snuggiesful at the end of the vid, it says 55% of ppl blame the other person.
Many times the estrangement doesn't end or problem doesn't get resolved bc ppl who are angry at someone don't even know why. Maybe they don't want to say or have difficulty saying it. So they remain estranged.
agreed!! Speaking mainly of narcissistic parents from both a professional and personal level - the truth is mental illness of a parent can masquerade as many things to the outside world & adult children with several ACEs & C-PTSD from childhood that continue into adulthood need to set excruciating boundaries to keep themselves whole and healthy mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Making a decision to step away can take decades of counseling, unhealthy choices and heartache. it’s a decision i wouldn’t wish on a child at any age.
In other words, the prof said many ppl don't know the root cause of the estrangement.
@@oceanjoker3544 I know I watched it on TV this morning. What I'm not understanding is why'd you say that people don't know the reasons of why they're estranged from their families when you listed the very reasons in the first paragraph.
My family, with the important exception of my Mother, were monsters who terrorized and abused me physically/emotionally/sexually.
Two are dead. I attended both funerals to make sure they were dead. Two more to go.
A million apologies would have no effect.
When you’re Gay, this is common and you have much more valuable family of choice.❤️
I wish abuse memories died with the perpetrators.
What is common when someone is gay?
I am glad that researchers are looking in to this because it is a huge problem in the U.S. half all my friends and people I have ever known have family estrangement issues. I have estranged family members as well. I really feel bad for that lady who lost her mom and never made peace.
This is more common than we like to believe. The woman who didn't make peace with her mom is going to feel this forever. So sad!
She tried for years. I can just feel her devastation.
It is what it is...I didn't enjoy my siblings growing up. As adults we have nothing in common now.
Me, too!
I feel better giving up hope. I had to slam the doors that were slammed on me. Alienation is horrible and this story is important. Glad to hear it reported
When their mistreatment of me made me want to harm myself, I knew it was time to let go and move on. FOR GOOD!
I haven’t spoken to my father in more than 3 years. Not because I don’t love him, because I do. It’s for self preservation. He has aways said hurtful things to me and taken pleasure in the hurt seen on my face. I am under no illusion that my distance is causing him grief. My distance is for me, not him.
First of all this lady was 22 when she was pregnant therefore a grown adult and able to do what she wants with her body. If the mother couldn't respect that then perhaps she was better off without her
I used to let the estrangement from my family bother me.Not anymore.I have come to enjoy the freedom from the drama and the full realization that their failure to love me unconditionally does not make me a bad person.I view it as their loss.THIS IS FOR YOU CLAUDE GILLISS in Oktaha Ok.USA
Peace and forgiveness is much easier on the heart then hate. I hope everyone finds peace.
Some things can't be forgiven. Just because people chose to break away from toxic family members, IN ORDER TO HAVE PEACE, doesn't mean we sit around hating them! I try not to think about mine and it works most of the time, and if people ask I just say he's dead.
I have walked on ice my entire life around my parents. Some good times, but never knowing when I would say the wrong thing. I had a heart attack 4 years ago, and the bond didn’t last through that. I’ve been cutoff once again, for 4 years now. Devastating? Yes. I bought a new dog, walk a ton, love on my students and grandkids but I just can’t “walk” off the devastation. How could any parent do this?! It is a pain I have to walk through every day. Why am I not good enough? It is tough stuff. My heart goes out to anyone else who has been traumatized this deeply.
Lots and lots of hugs. Some parents aren’t really parents. Unfortunately I’m in that boat with you. All we can do is seek professional help and break the cycle. Normally what our parents do to us is what their parents did to them.
@@swimgirl24 And what the offspring will do, the cycle perpetuates through the generations.
You ARE good enough -- *THEY* are the ones who are not good enough! With toxic family members like them, you are far better off without them! Cut them out of your life and focus on your grandkids and students!!
Sometimes you have to distance yourself from toxic family members cause they are.a clear and present danger. And one should not feel guilty.
This happens more than people think. My older brother died earlier this year, suddenly and unexpectedly at age 70. When our father died in 2019 at age 92 my brother our father had been totally estranged for 48 years (beginning when my brother was 19 years old). And during the same time period my brother was also estranged from our mother for twenty years (before a brief reconciliation twenty days before she died). I've met other parents whose children disappeared for various reasons (or many reasons). We don't choose our relatives, they are related by birth. They can be cut off or cut out, but not erased.
So thank your lucky stars if you got great parents. Many of us just did not get that lucky.
Find the connections that aren't toxic.
I'm from family of weavers, and I started weaving 6 years ago, I wanted to feel not this generations connection but my birthright connection.
If the people in your family don't work out, you can still connect with the things that make your family unique.
I love you all, stay strong
That's interesting.
My mom said all these cruel statements that was harsh, emotional, I don't forget however it is easier to forgive now as she now has dementia the only action
that is genuine and nurturing is her kiss
This is exactly why I love this show and why I have been watching the show for years this really hit deep with me I'm having issues with my daughter and it breaks my heart that we can't find some sort of common ground but this segment really helped thank you
This last Thanksgiving was the 1st Thanksgiving I didn't spend with at least one sibling. It really hurt.
For my own sanity, I now must cut ties with my sister. I have blocked all relatives except one cousin on social media. They are all toxic if not plain crazy sociopaths and narcissists.
I cut ties with my entire family in 2012 and have never looked back. My life is so much better now.
I left FB too late. Had already discovered how nasty and stupid so many cousins are. So many people I will never see again in my life bc I refuse to deal w their nastiness, their uneducated political opinions, their a ti science Jebus bs, their Trump worship. F them.
@@DA-wx9oz Oh dang that's a hard one! TRUST. Well, trust your instincts and have trust in yourself - start there. As for anger, (which we're lead to believe we shouldn't feel) go ahead and be angry, but find constructive outlets for it, and don't constantly focus on the wrongs done to you. Seek out others who have broke free and our on a similar path.
I have had to cut ties with several family members and friends simply due to their wanting to be hateful, racist and/or just unpleasant.
@@marywalters1181 Me, too, Mary!
estrangement has taught me a new meaning for the word' family'. family are people who love you and treat you decently, with or without a genetic link. so grateful to have learned this lesson!
If your in a bad relationship and you get out of it that's a good thing. Same goes for bad family relationships
The full phrase is "the blood of the covenent is thicker than the waters of the womb". Which means that the bonds formed by choice are more powerful than the ties of blood. Which is exactly the opposite of what you are trying to portray it as.
I grew up feeling unwelcome in my own home. I got married at 17 to get out of the house. My emotionally unavailable parents gave us $50 and permission to leave. We spoke a few times and I visited them from across the country but it was mostly obligation. Both are gone. I learned of their deaths after the fact. Never attended funerals, don't know where they are buried.
Thank you for sharing and glad you were smart enough to get the heck away from them at an early age!
Speaking mainly of narcissistic parents from both a professional and personal level - the truth is mental illness of a parent can masquerade as many things to the outside world & adult children with several ACEs & C-PTSD from childhood that continue into adulthood need to set excruciating boundaries to keep themselves whole and healthy mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Making a decision to step away can take decades of counseling, unhealthy choices and heartache. it’s a decision i wouldn’t wish on a child at any age.
Thank you. It’s really hard to make people understand how much havoc that shame and devastating pain can wreak in every day of the rest of a child’s life. I’m 56 and my life began to unravel a couple of years ago. I’ve only just begun to understand that it all began on that June day more than 40 years ago when our mother sent my brother and I across the country to “meet” the father we’d never known, then called to tell us she’d cashed in the return tickets and that we couldn’t come home.
Now, 43 years and a multitude of issues later, I’m just this side of done and struggling to hold onto anything that will anchor me in this world.
Parents, please stop taking the “resilience” your pediatrician keeps telling you your kids have for granted. It’s not as powerful as you think.
What’s ACEs?
@@stickerlady1774 Adverse Childhood Experiences. It’s any traumatic experience a child has during their developmental period that impacts their ability to be successful across all areas of life.
I agree and I don't think mental illness is a good excuse to be terrible to your family and it annoys me when people give that excuse for abusive behavior. Everyone in my family has major mental problems and we still manage to be good to each other and always have each others backs when it counts.
@@sassycat6487 Well, goody for you. What specifically is your point?
My dad and I disagreed on every topic you can imagine: religion, politics, gender, economics, EVERYTHING. We disagreed passionately, respectfully and honestly, debating and discussing for hours at a time from my angsty teen years up until the day he died. I adored him, and the last words he said to me was "I love you". You don't have to agree on ANYTHING except that the relationship and respect matters more than opinions. Opinions and positions are not the same thing as VALUES.
I wish this truth of our collective suffering was discussed more. I have stopped talking to a unhealthy mother and brother who for years teamed up against me. I'm happy without that crazy toxic energy. Also a cousin who I was once close with and imagined us being old Betty's together..nope. I'm tired of putting in effort to try and salvage a relationship when clearly they do not care.
I can't wait to have my own family of my own. A husband and friends who feel like home and family. I hope you a do as well. Peace. ❤
I feel your pain. My youngest son is that same way toward me. He has spent the past 47 years making certain that I was not able to contact or connect with him in any way. It is sad, yet after a period of time, I have had to move on and “pretend” I do not have this child. It will always be painful, but forgive yourself first, then move on.
Same here. Thank you for sharing-it gives me hope for moving on.
I just can't think about it.
I am getting better at distracting myself to keep from ruminating about it.
I take issue with the psychologist lady’s view of reconciliation. When serious abuse and neglect is at the root, and had been pervasive, and trauma upon trauma inflicted, the boundaries have to be reset and redefined by the adult in the room. For the woman who told her mother “no” and followed through, she experienced the rare apology from the offender (wow-and hooray!) I wonder how rare that actually is.
Really good insights.
But what is serious abuse? Where is the line drawn between abuse and mental illness or someone acting on a trauma?
@@PeteS_1994 ah! Good question. Take the cause or motivation of the offender out of the equation for a moment. The events and impacts on a person, can vary by individual. The line in the sand, the deal breaker-is determined by the person and hopefully s/he has a solid support system. Different people have different thresholds of tolerance, degree of interference, and severity. So it’s not one size fits all. If the offender is unable or unwilling to modify behavior, the only relevant issue becomes the impact it has on others, like an adult child. You can feel empathy or compassion for someone who went through something horrible, but not enable destructive behavior, or keep putting one’s self in harm’s way. The more compound the trauma or abuse (defined with a counselor for example), then the now adult child has fewer coping strategies, less resilience, and negative impacts. To continue then to be subjected to the destructive behavior puts the adult child’s health and welfare at great risk; No matter the underlying cause for the parent’s behavior. It’s sad, tragic when it happens, but sometimes severing the relationship is the only viable option.
Ending my contact with my mother last year has led to me feeling at peace for the first time in my life. Some people have earned the right to be left alone, especially if contact with them puts your physical, mental, and emotional health in jeopardy.
Honestly it's no one's business either way so if you feel it best for your personal safety that's all that matters for the most part.
Yup, my family was destroyed by one person….will never be healed.
I was erased and my feelings were dismissed.
I have zero shame, zero guilt, and no want or need to be in a situation again with an emotionally abusive, toxic sister who constantly justifies bad actions towards me and tries to interfere with my life constantly. I have had years of peace and calm and am grateful for that. Why would I invite hate back into my life? Toxic is an understatement...shes a monster...
My youngest son and I are estranged and I haven't seen him for a little over a year. His brother sees him around town and he and his fiancee (who both lived with me for several years) act like they are wanted criminals... my heart aches because she gave up both of her parents and now he has followed suit... I would give anything just to hear him say "I love you Momma" again...💔
Since my early 20s I been growing apart from my entire family tree. I grew up in a chaotic, violent environment .This has brought me a strong sense of freedom and happiness.
This clip makes the case for 'choose your friends well, since you can't choose your family"
What I find interesting is the subtext with these experts that reconciliation is possible and it's a good thing. Maybe folks are better off UN-reconciled and that's why it doesn't happen. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, it sometimes allows the heart to heal and grow and give love elsewhere.
Also we need to look into the family courts. They're also responsible for splitting up families. Letting a parent alienate their child/children from the other parent. We need to talk about this.
I also wished it could have touched upon the ties broken by mothers/fathers who won't allow the father/mother/grandparent to even have supported/supervised visitation. These types of family bonds are seen as crucial, even if the other parent is incarcerated. I realize they didn't have the time to touch on every situation, but in our times, this is sadly one of the most important.
There are over 22 million families in the usa alone, every year that experience this. This is an epidemic.
As an adult, I had to walk away from abusive parents, now since their passing, my siblings refuse to speak to me.
I’m grateful for my kids, I give all my time & love to them.
Oh my gosh my dad did the same
To me when I got pregnant at 21. I’m 42 and we still haven’t talked to this day. My daughters are now 20,18 and he has never met them. He flat out refused. They grew up without a grandpa, his loss.
I highly recommend you reconcile before it’s to late.
@@Jade_902 Absolutely. Sage advice.
I can so relate to her, only I’m the Mother and my children abandoned me! My heart never stops hurting
I'm sorry for your pain
I am so sorry for you. We need to support each other.
I know this is sad to say . . but it helps a bit to know someone else understands the pain and emptiness.
Darling they didnt just abandon you, no child will ever walk away from such a deep connection unless they feel very unsafe, usually emotionally unsafe.
You sound like you’re playing the victim. How about owning up to the fact that you were the problem all along
Interesting comments, thanks to all
It's hard even at 53. Leaning to process the recent passing of my estranged Mother. I'm still looking to blame someone.
Stay strong. You are a good person.
The reason that family estrangement are on the rise probably directly correlates to the fact that mental health awareness is also on the rise. Nobody can make you crazy like family.
💯💯
Or increased drug use has triggered Schizophrenia that would have otherwise possibly lay dormant. Mentally ill adult children have black and white thinking and think people are either good or evil. They lack the ability or intelligence to realize no one is entirely good or perfect or entirely evil.
Especially in laws
Your "experts" are not very educated on the subject. They say that the breaking of family bonds (or the lack of feeling about them) is a new thing related to the younger generation. But the breaking up of family bonds has occurred through the millenia. It's not a recent phenomenon. And it's individual whether people feel bad about it. Sometimes parents (or siblings) are overcome by drugs or alcohol or are abusive. Sometimes siblings are years apart, and are never close when growing up. When they disagree over politics or religion (or whatever) they do not necessarily obsess over it. And your "experts" forgot one cause of the breaking of family bonds: how individuals behave during the inheritance process. There often is no remedy for that kind of breaking.
People who watched this segment may be guilted into doing something that will only lead to more pain. People are lucky who have close relationships with all their family. It's very rare.
They actually NEVER ONCE said that. They said that the new generations are just not feeling they need to put up with it because they are family. That the new generation doesn't agree that blood is thicker than water when it comes to someone toxic they will break ties faster than the older generations did. Listening is vital
I don't think that's what they were saying, but rather younger generations aren't as embarrassed to say yeah we've cut ties, so what
Are you an "expert"? Asking for a friend...
If Anyone knows my Sister Teresa Girolamo in Florida..
Tell her I Still LOVE her..
Thank You.
My family: mom, uncle, grandma, and sometimes aunt; bused me financially, mentality, and emotionally. They hurt me throughout this pandemic and I couldn’t do it anymore. When I call them out for it in August of this year, we all got into this big argument and all I got is this painful experience of wanting to erase myself from them. Still til this day, I blocked both my mom and uncle from speaking to me. My aunt apologized for her behavior, but my grandma is a mixed bag. My family, as of now they owe me about $8000: mom $6500, uncle $1100, and aunt $320. This made me realize that family is not worth having.
I mean that's sucks but that's on you for giving so much money out...and I realistically don't see you getting it back so might as well consider it a learning leasing I guess...
you can say the same for close friends too when it comes to abandonment
I still have dreams about my old friends from a decade ago
My family did absolutely terrible, damaging things to me. All of it literally destroyed my life. So much so that I had to cut off all contact, and the authorities became involved. This I now know for sure: while it should, the term family means absolutely nothing. Because of what was done and how it was done, there cannot be nor will there be reconciliation.
My family members highly compensated and they turned everybody against me. Because I became a federal WHISTLEBLOWER in Louisiana.
💔
Thanks for the report. So I know I’m not the only one. But still, how can a parents ever do this to their kids?
How can parents be physically and verbally abusive to their children?
I also wished it could have touched upon the ties broken by mothers/fathers who won't allow the father/mother/grandparent to even have supported/supervised visitation. These types of family bonds are seen as crucial, even if the other parent is incarcerated. I realize they didn't have the time to touch on every situation, but in our times, this is sadly one of the most important.
My youngest sister cut us off about 4 years ago, her abusive husband forbid her or her children from taking to us. The worst part is she supports his decision. I think about her and her children everyday, but I can do nothing, she blocked our phones and never responds to letters. I hope she comes around, but I think trying to make things right is affecting me, I'm not sure if letting go would be better for my mental health.
can completely relate to this. On both sides of my family, there are people who haven't spoken to each other in years. It IS painful, but watching this made me realize that I am not alone. Family members I happen to be close to know better not to even try to reconcile the feuding sides, and they just got used to our unfixable dysfunction.
So true it hits home 😞 as if the pandemic didn't do enough damage to family's the division with politics made it even worse. There are some families that may never be whole again because of pride because of the refusal to try to stay open minded. Such a shame 😞
Political disputes as well as other disputes are some of the major downfalls in any one’s family. It’s always best to not discuss it at the dinner table or any sort of family gathering/reunion.
The pain never stops
Often, it is not a matter "misunderstanding." Yes, it is "different values." If someone lies, cheats, verbally or physically abuses, you SHOULD terminate the relationship.(That, apparently, was not the case in these examples but often it is.) The problem is people don't "listen with empathy" because they often don't have empathy! You are only setting yourself up for more & more & pain if you have a relationship w/ these people.There was not one mention of the word narcissism in these interviews. As much as that word is used, people still don't understand it. This issue will never improve until people understand the cause of narcicissm and work to diminish its prevalence. Period!
It takes two to tango.
Blood makes you related; loyalty makes you family.
No wonder drug addiction is never ending
Sometimes the most toxic, evil, abusive people are our family members. Kudos to those who have left those dirtbags.
I related to this story I didn’t see my own daughter for almost 7years refused to be with all family members sad and I couldn’t believe she cut us from her just pray every day
8 years for me with a grown daughter. Hurts like h€ll. Praying for her. For peace for her.
Four decades....lost time you could never get back.
Count me in. They only made me feel bad and lose sleep. I’ve never fit in. For one thing, I got tired of tolerating their racism. I’ve never been happier since the estrangement 20 years ago.
How did she explain it to her child? I can't imagine not having the love of my Nan & her mom too!
What a wonderful and helpful story.
My entire family is astranged .
We are all educated, professionally successful individuals.
My ex wife has programed my daughter against me. Haven't seen or talked to her in 5 years. Short text on birthday and Christmas.
Sisters don't talk. Cousins don't talk.
It eats away at my soul.
Especially my daughter. I believe in family. Sticky each others side. I've had those talks. Many times. To no avail.
Something is really broken.
this is an important topic that we ought to discuss more in America. Best thing I ever did for my mental health was ending my relationship with my brother and dad. I think it was and still is more painful than if they had died. It would have made sense if they died.. their actions do not make sense to me.
The one aspect of this segment that was not explored: when a bond is broken due to substance abuse - that's another biggie.
This type of thing is also how people become homeless.
When we give up on our loved ones they become adrift
People give up on others when there are simple solutions.
Wow, great point. #LightBulbMoment
Peace.🌷
I see it all the time
The fire had gone out in their hearts, and they’re left cold and damp like a grave. Norman Bates said it best, when told about leaving his “mother” abandoned in the old house, beyond his motel.
Yes 💚 I think you’re right.
Think society puts too much emphasis on family and not enough on having a healthy & happy family life - there is a huge difference.
We have a lot of disfuctional families our there that are doing way more harm than good in the name of family and it is probably better to break bonds, walk away and develop healthy habits that help make your life better overall and make it possible to have a healthy & happy family life
We as a society should put less emphasis on being married for the sake of being married and more emphasis on being happy in yourself and finding the right person that compliments you
Touche. Its sad to be alone but even sadder to wish you WERE ALONE....
The media doesn't have that conversation about how families basically sometimes more often than not, just don't get on with each other. It is almost like a taboo subject. Commercials on tv sell the family ideal. It isn't a reality for millions of people. The media talks of mental health and people needing understanding etc. Much of the cause of it starts at the home. We don't hear enough of this I feel personally.
I feel sorry for the first woman whose mother never spoke to her again, but at the end it was probably better for her. Her mother’s actions makes one assume she was very proud and manipulative and who wants to deal with that on a regular basis. Thank God the other lady loved her daughter enough to apologize. We need to set our egos aside and learn to love our children unconditionally.
True, for decades parents have thrown out gay kids or cut off children who have married outside of their faith and all with their respective communities support.
So true. I fear for the lives of these young people who have been abandoned, living rough on the streets.
Family members are often the link to your own memories of the past; a kind of emotional external hard drive. My own sister cut off me and our brother some years ago and we don’t really know why. She missed the adolescences and early adulthood’s of our kids, plus the last years and deaths of aunts and uncles. So sad.
It's her loss.
That’s very sad. “Emotional external hard drive” is exactly right. Sorry. Hope it gets better.
You don’t know why… I doubt that
Yes, she did, and so did I. Very sad, but necessary.