@@Rikrobat Thank you. It hit me because I heard even teachers talk to my mom telling her that there had to be a reason the other kids didn't like me. Bless them, nobody knew what were these things in the early 80's and yes, I'm old, lol. The good thing about now is that it's easier to find "your people", and some online spaces have become very welcoming of every other weirdo like me.
@@arualblues_zeroAbsolutely agree, people feel more free to be their authentic selves, no matter how “weird.” I got lucky as a kid and found lots of other undiagnosed ND friends, but in high school and adulthood it has kind of flipped on me and I struggle to build close friendships now. Hopefully that’ll change.
First story: OP is 28, her brother is 24 and married to Ally's sister. The other sibblings are 18 and 16 and thus much closer in age to Ally. OP was 14 when Ally was born and it sounds like she was an adult by the time Ally started coming to their house. I can understand her not loving Ally as a sister while the other family members grew up with her more and do feel like that. I can also understand OP wanting a photo with only her parents and sibblings. If I were her I would have made a lot of photo's with a lot of different people. She could have made pictures with only her parents, only her sibblings, only her core family, only her sibblings plus SIL and Ally, everyone, and so on. That way she could have had the pictures she wanted and also made Ally feel more included.
@@flotenstimme4608 yeah, that's definitely a better option. Take some with all of them, Ally included, take some with just the bio siblings, etc. and then everyone could have been a part and people who wanted other photos available later could have had them, and it wouldn't have been so clear to Ally that she alone was being asked to leave. As a stepkid, that's often how it got done when we were younger - I wasn't included in all my stepfamily's photos, simply because they had different groups gathered, but it didn't make as big a mark that some photos had my stepsibs and not me because the family made sure I was in whole family photos, cousins in general photos, etc. I think there were far more tactful ways to do this than to simply exclude her altogether and OP didn't try to think of those.
@@saraviegas2141that still doesnt excuse OP saying "immediate family" and then including Maya + her nibling, AND insisting that Ally "has her family" as if she hadnt previously explained that their "family" was abusive and shitty. OP can choose to not view her as a sister while still respecting her.
The baby sex results thing is such a massive eyeroll to me. I got results via phone so my husband had no chance to learn any way but me telling him (and I asked if he wanted me to tell then or do a thing). The absolute temper tantrum he threw because she learned earlier? What the fuck ever. And frankly his response is so over the top it's straight into red flag territory. Big nope from me. I don't think she's the drama at all, if you do, sure. But it's so eclipsed by his totally abnormal and disproportionate response that I'm jaw dropped open over it.
Yeah it's super weird. When I did NIPT they told me that the baby looked fine and they told me the sex over the phone, then sent the email. They called me in the morning when I was at work and then I called my partner to let him know. However I do wonder why she didn't let him know that the email arrived, they could also have opened it together over the phone and have a cute moment!
My results are apparently going to be in a card in an envelope I pick up next week. I'm hype. But I also might call my husband the second I have them and say should I open this on the phone, do you mind if I look before I get home? I don't think my husband would ever be upset if I knew first
As someone with ADHD, I can ABSOLUTELY see how this could happen and it having nothing at all to do with being inconsiderate. I've heard repeatedly from parents about how hormones create a mental fog, and that coupled with the fact that the father never said that he wanted them to open it together, I could totally understand the mother impulsively opening it and sharing it with her husband as soon as he got home. She's growing another human being inside her. That takes a toll. She wasn't being a jerk about it. Give her a break.
For the first one, I'm wondering if, as the oldest in a family of four, with a fair age gap between all the siblings, and then having two more kids added to the family when they were 16, this is a lack of attention issue. Oldest children in large families are often parentified, made to do parental tasks for younger children, and that can mean they miss out on what they need as a child from their parents. Never mind if a cute and needy four year old started showing up just when maybe your relationship with your parents was going through teen angst, and your mum gives the attention you're craving to her instead. I can definitely see that resulting in backlash. That, or OP is just a jerk, because while the feelings might be understandable, excluding a child like that is a jerk move, no question.
I thought that was the case as well. There seems to be a certain resentment towards Ally, not because she specifically did something wrong but OP sounds as if talking from the emotional perspective of a teenager who's "forced" to accept and love a new person, they didn't choose. She sounds to me as if she resents Ally for how her parents made her feel overlooked. Which is essentially what she imposed on Ally in the situation with the wedding fotos: a feeling of being overlooked and not considered. It seems like this is an uncontious feeling or belief that is influecing the way she feels now as an adult. Which isn't her fault but still her responsibility. While I think there should have been a conversation way before it had to come to this point, it would have still been on her to initiate that and get closure, so she doesn't take her own resentment out on a young and already troubled teenager.
I'm the oldest and new siblings entered my life when I was a teenager. Thought I don't resent them, it was certainly hard on me in a number of ways. I can see how OP might have struggled with the situation.
@@whoahanant I know that what they did hurt Ally's feelings but I don't think that was the intention. I think "taking it out on" or "resenting" is too harsh. It's more like Ally is the unintended victim.
@@alex_blue5802 something being unintentional or intentional though doesn't mean anything less of the outcome. Exclusion is not nice and that's how it is in my eyes. Not to mention I have a similar family dynamic, minus the not accepting part. So while I can see the hardships it doesn't really sit right with me unless Ally was an actual problem. Children and teens don't fully understand everything and that's normal but by the time I was an adult, and even before that, I understood the problem was not really another child/teens fault. I also dislike the phrasing OP said about Ally "taking up resources" which is not comfy when talking about another being imo. Resenting something also doesn't mean it's as heavy as you think. You can have some minor resentment over many things, which you learn to work past or deal with as it happens. It's not hateful but it can still cause problems in the long run. We all deal with resentment on both minor and major scales all the time. It's ok to have resentment but it's not ok to never deal with it. And here it doesn't seem like it had any closure or planning for. This photo op could've been better planned for rather than it happening so publicly in front of the family which will obviously not be ok with them.
One possibility I'm surprised I didn't hear come up for the baby reveal post was that this kind of overreaction can be part of a serious emotional abuse pattern. Any mistake becomes a weapon to wield forever against the partner because they genuinely feel guilty. It all comes down to whether this is a pattern or a passing stress.
Thank you! I was just wondering if I had listened to too many podcasts/audiobooks that talk about abuse/coercive control that I see red flags where there aren't any so glad to see I'm not the only one seeing them in this case
True, that _could_ be, but I don't think that's a conclusion you can come to based on one situation. Some people just don't handle disappointment well and husband was clearly looking forward to having this moment together with his partner. Yes, he overreacted, but in a disappointed, emotional moment, _everyone_ has already done it. Maybe he is being abusive, but I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting that considering we don't have a pattern to go off.
Yeah the part about trying to make OP pay for the baby stuff gives this weird vibe like the husband is capitalizing on his wife’s guilt for financial gain by putting this cost all on her
@@Casutamaalso true. I guess this behavior is just a red flag. Not necessarily a sign of danger, but certainly something to keep an eye on. People can definitely be shitty from time to time but patterns are what define abusers
I agree to an extent. Whilst the husband's reaction could definitely be part of a pattern of abuse, my read is that OP seems surprised by the strength of his response which suggests it's out of character for him. For example, a person already conditioned by abuse would likely say things like they "should have known". Though this is not universal because everyone is unique. Having said that, the fact that she doesn't immediately dismiss his proposed punishment is concerning. It could also be one of the early behaviours of abuse, which frequently begins or escalates during pregnancy. I would definitely be keeping an eye out for whether he sticks to the whole, you should shop for all the baby stuff ridiculousness after he's had time to cool off, and whether he's open to admitting his response was disproportionate and exploring why. For context of this response, I don't have lived experience but did my PhD in non physical forms of intimate partner violence.
For the Maya/ Ally situation: I can understand wanting photos of all the immediate family, meaning family and siblings, minus spouses. Then another family photo including Maya, Ally, and your brother's kid too. You can be exclusive and inclusive simultaneously. There is a good option. You're not limited on the number of photos taken. We have a similar situation in my family, where my cousin is basically an honorary sister. She lived with our family for almost a year when I was 20. I was the only one of the family not to live with her and she lived in my bedroom when I was away at college, though my mom insisted I not be pushed out of the room when I came back for breaks. We include her and her family (husband and daughter) in family photos while also having immediate family photos (me, my sister, my mom, and my dad). It's possible to do both and make everyone feel included. We do photos of me and my sister alone, but also do one with my cousin. Everyone is good!
I think what especially makes OP in the first story the drama is because she did this to a kid who likely already deals with abandonment issues. She knew everyone considers Ally family and could've anticipated this. If she felt so strongly about it, she could've at least found a way to take the photos in a non-hurtful or at least less publicly humiliating way, as Shaaba suggested. Ally literally did nothing wrong and yet she must've felt so horrible. I agree it's likely that OP resents Ally for something her parents did. Maybe her parents paid less attention to her or gave her a lot of chores because of the additional kids in the house or they are those kinds of people who love to help others but neglect their own children in the process. But if that's the case, she's still an asshole for taking that out on Ally and not her parents and I agree with the commenter who said she should go to therapy. Poor Ally :( My heart hurts for her. At least OP is the only one in the family who seems to be like that so I hope Ally usually gets to feel included and loved.
I was bullied at work, and its actually very common for the company to punish the victim or try to cover up the situation. If the bully wasn't fired then the transfer might be disciplinary or an attempt to make the problem go away without solving it. When you or someone you love is going through something painful like this, its very easy to see yourself as the victim in every situation.
Absolutely. I have seen it happen. Transferring someone can also be part of the bullying process. It happened to someone I love who was transferred to a job of the same grade, but a lesser status. She was too distraught to do anything about it at the time. She found out much much later that had she wanted to take legal action, she would have had a really good shot at a claim for constructive dismissal, but she left it too late. It was all part of the bulling
Exactly. I an ND amd it can take me at least a good yr to get used to a new job amd 1-2 to find people I fit in with. (Thoufh I'm still usually hovering on the outside of the group.) As a result I m often targeted by AH looking for an easy target. And my current job won't tolerate me pushing back like my old jobs would so I basically was stuck putting up with bullies for 2 yrs. It started just a couple months after I got the job amd only really started to back off last fall and only mostly stopped a few weeks ago. (And it still picks up. My last shift I worked he was staring at me from his buddy's car during break, was commenting about me as I walked ahead ofbthem back into the building after, and started at me a fee times again after they came in the building and I was grabbing my equipment to log back in and a few times throughout the shift. I'm pretty sure him and his buddy were making fun of me again as they passed me after break (he has a habit of making fun of me with his buddies all the time, so it's pretty likely. Like he used to even point to me as he was doing it, until I said something to his manager about it, which was the only reason he backed off some.)
Yes. In my bullying situation, I got in trouble for just asking to be allowed to do my job, or to be treated like an adult. I would ask my supervisor for help dealing with it, and her only advice was to just be quiet and let them treat me like I couldn't do my job (which I had been doing just fine for over a decade before this group of people showed up), because being told to treat me with basic respect might hurt *their* feelings. I ended up voluntarily moving to a different department just to get away from the situation, and I'm sure my old supervisor was relieved. In my case, I feel like I came out the winner. I enjoy my new job just as much and am getting paid more. Plus, everyone else who was in my previous position at the time has also left, for similar reasons, so now the supervisor is being forced to deal with the mess. So I can feel some satisfaction, at least, but it's clear from all these stories that managers in general need to do a better job of addressing bullies instead of punishing the victims.
I'm very sorry to hear that other people went through this. None of you deserve bullying and I hope you're all able to get jobs where you're treated with the respect and kindness you deserve.
Story 1: I'm concerned that Ally didn't cry when OP said that she wasn't welcome in the family picture. She was able to wait until she was home before breaking down. A fourteen-year-old who has just experienced serious heartbreak shouldn't be so adept at controlling her emotions for that long. Ally learned how to hide her natural reactions so well for a reason. I can't think of any positive explanations for that ability.
I was super mad when my college acceptance was opened and extra mad because I didn't get the experience of opening my own acceptance. So Shabba, this might be one of those times when the trauma brain might be making you hold family less accountable for your legitimate feelings ❤
Usually the term is "foisted on", meaning you were forced to accept someone or something without much choice. It doesn't always mean an unnecessary thing, but it does have negative connotations. I think what OP is trying to convey is the lack of agency they had in this situation. Clearly this is a big family, and as the oldest OP may feel overlooked. And then on top of that a new kid is added because of her brother's choice of partner. It might feel like an unfair burden for OP. I am not trying to excuse OP's actions but I do feel bad for her. She is yet another victim of Ally and Maya's shitty parents.
@@Lucifersfursona I think you can still feel bad for someone if time has passed or they've grown up. It doesn't make them any less the victim of shitty circumstances when they were younger. When Ally is 26 can someone still feel bad for her having shitty parents?
@@alex_blue5802idk what the other person who responded thinks but imo I do feel bad for OP but it dries up pretty quickly in the harm she's doing to Ally. This whole feeling overlooked thing is an assumption we're making (an assumption I agree with to be clear), OP did not articulate it. OP seems to struggle with self reflection, expression of emotions, and tbh, an ability to anticipate consequences from actions (OK u don't care about Ally... but the people who do are obviously going to respond negatively when you out of nowhere (in their eyes) treat her poorly, so do you wanna commit to that course of action?) No matter what caused the feelings, OP still essentially bullied a 14 year old who had no idea why she was even being treated that way, and seems completely baffled by people having different feelings than her or reacting to her actions. Obvs some of this immaturity is on the parents. But if you're 26 and getting married, for the sake of your spouse alone, you have to start working on your immaturity. You certainly shouldn't be at the point where you're hurting random children you know that you supposedly don't care about at all (I think that's more dishonesty from OP tbh. I think if she didn't care at all she woulda let the kid in the photo. She has much more negative feelings, and she's just refusing to be fully honest about it)
@@twistysunshine The line about OP's parents using resources on Ally makes me think she felt neglected or deprived in some way. In a big family there's going to be a limited amount of love, attention, money, and even food sometimes. As you said, OP seems to struggle with self-reflection and I think this is her way of saying she got a smaller slice of the pie. It's also clear that she has a very different perspective than her siblings, possibly because she moved out soon after Ally started to be included. To her it seem natural to want a photograph with only her close family, not any family friends. To everyone else, asking for this is bullying a vulnerable child and now her whole family is mad at her. Obviously this sucks for Ally too, but there are lots of other comments about how she is the victim and what OP did wasn't okay. I just wanted to make space to show sympathy for OP and say she is also the victim of Ally not having a stable family life.
In the third AITD, though we don’t know the details of the husband’s drama, it’s not worth assuming he did something wrong. I’ve heard about a couple work place bullying incidents from friends and in each of them the victim is the one who gets transferred/has cut hours/loses out. I don’t understand why, maybe in the hopes of covering up that there’s an issue, but I don’t know why workplaces don’t transfer the aggressor/bully in these situations. Either way, strong chance the husband IS actually the victim and I usually give benefit of the doubt to someone claiming victim as it’s so common and is often overlooked (otherwise we perpetuate victim blaming culture)
the first story is so interesting to me because people have such varied reactions to it considering their own background on similar matters. i feel like, the same way you dont have to consider blood relatives family if they have not deserved it, you do not have to consider people outside of it either as such, no matter if other people do. i personally have smaller half siblings that i have over 10 years of age difference to each, and while i do consider them family, only by the loosest sense of the word. im not close to them nor do i have any real connection with them to consider them somehow more important than say, my friends. in that way i do relate to op when she says she doesnt really consider ally family, and i think that is fine. what i do however find a bit weird is that this is a dispute over pictures. of course she has the power to decide who is in her wedding pictures and who is not, but she also really shouldnt be surprised that her decision has consequences. she couldve also done multiple pictures with different people to minimize upset between people involved.... shes not really an asshole for not thinking someone is her family or not, but she is kind of an asshole for not even trying to think how this would feel for ally and try to be a bit nicer about it
I agree with all the commenters who think this is more resentment for lack of resources than blood or legal ties. I think OP felt like she lost attention, time, and resources from her parents at a time when she clearly needed them. 16 is an incredibly difficult age and all of a sudden having a young sibling added easily could have meant that she lost all the support she felt she needed. The fact that she is targeting a child for exclusion as a result of her feelings and isn’t able to identify the cause of her feelings means she’s the drama, but the piece I haven’t seen anyone else flag is the parents responsibility. It is a parent’s job to care for family dynamics and to try to make every child seen and heard. I don’t mean changing big decisions (like taking in this child) to cater to their children’s’ feelings, but rather to be sensitive to them. They ignored OP’s feelings about this addition probably because she didn’t make trouble, was the oldest who was expected to be more self-sacrificing, and they were busy. They allowed this to fester. It’s still not ok to take feelings out on a child and OP shows a lack of maturity and self-awareness, but I think the parents have a lot of culpability here for allowing this to spin out of control and neglecting their child’s mental well being and emotional development.
Yiu give very valid points. I still want to add that if I've done my math correctly Maya moved in when she was 16 and that was when Ally started to hang out at their home more. That would have made OP 18 yo at the time which probably meant that she was already or about to move out for university and therefore not spending much time at home anymore while the younger siblings were all still living at the parental home. So OP would have spent way less time with Ally than all of the other siblings have which would explain why they have different relationships with each other. IMO you can't force someone to consider anybody your family even if blood/legally related and they did out OP in a difficult position. Maybe she should have talked to her parents beforehand to avoid this situation in itself but you can't make her consider Ally her family and it's reasonable to only want the people you want in your pictures just like it's reasonable to not invite a sibling/aunt/uncle or even parents to your wedding if you don't have a good relationship with them.
I think that the OP's mother was the biggest drama in the story. She (and the father) obviously didn't manage to add the new members in the family in a way that didn't leave bad blood for anyone as you stated. In addition, according to OP, she brings Ally to the picture without asking OP, so she's still pushing Ally to OP's family. Unless it's a tiny wedding, they could have easily taken the pictures without Ally even knowing, if the Mother hadn't expected that Ally is wanted just because she wants her to be family.
Yes! I was shocked Shaaba didn’t bring this up! Their parents should have known better than to let this grudge grow for so many years. It’s fine if you want to have your house be a safe haven for children who don’t have that, and even to include them as members of your family, but if you’re going to do that, make sure you do it WELL. Make sure the WHOLE family is on the same page.
@@jamiethebookwormyes, I think it’s the parents’ job to incorporate new members, whether biological or chosen family. It’s the parents’ job to pay attention to each of their children and identify when they feel they are being neglected. A good first step with older kids when adding new members is simply to ask their thoughts and feelings. One could also suggest they understand it might feel scary to have someone new added and that it could feel like that new person is either taking away attention or resources, etc. Just validating and acknowledging feelings and taking time to continue to show up for the older kids can make such a huge difference. The parent being blindsided by how this person feels means that they never asked any questions or paid any attention. I’m not suggesting you can avoid every issue, but how your children feel about each other should not be a surprise.
21:54 On the first one my parents did the same. I moved out at 17 and my parents took in my brothers friend about the same time. They call him son call him my brothers brother. I’m 26 now… I do not have the same bond everyone else has with him, she coulda handled the photos better. But I get it.
The parents made a decision to adopt Ally and that is lovely for them, but they cannot expect OP or anyone else to have the same bond with Ally. I have an older brother that I share both parents with and grew up with, and I have a much younger half brother, who I did not grow up with (large age gap) but have spend a lot of time with since his birth. I consider my half brother an equal brother and I also have a close relationship with his mom. I consider them both family. My older brother feels a lot more distant to them and never really wanted to spend much time with them except when he has to for family situations. I do not think he’d say Little Brother is an equal sibling. I think it is a shame and that he is missing out, but at the same time I also would never force him to have a close bond or even put him on the spot where he needs to explicitly show how he feels. What good is it to force people into a relationship they are not open to?
@@s.a.4358 I think that OP still could have handled it better, especially given how young Ally is and that she probably has severe trauma with being rejected
2 things about the first story. One, I agree that I think OP is the drama, but not necessarily primarily because of the addition of Maya in the photo. I think it's more of the fact that it was so public and nobody discussed this beforehand, so everyone watched Ally walk up to them and then get shooed off. The public humilation is the part I have a huge problem with. Because, two, we don't know why Maya was in the photos, and I wouldn't be surprised if OP didn't want her there but didn't have a good reason for it. OP said they wanted their immediate family in the photos, which would include their brother, but I don't know that it would include his wife because his wife isn't immediate family. Maybe OP considers her so, but I could also see OP calling forward their immediate family, their brother walks up with his whole family and they can't think of something their family would accept for why his children and wife couldn't be in the photo, or even maybe just his wife. It sounded more like OP wanted the people they grew up with and Maya ended up in it, but they had the opportunity to say no to Ally. I'd want more information on why Maya was in the photos and if OP wanted her there before concluding my final judgment. But still the drama for doing it so publicly.
The "adopted sister" one - it is interesting the way OP used the word foisted. I'm making a huge assumption, but it sounds to me as though the manner on which Ally became a surrogate part of the family very much felt like it was forced rather than organic to OP. Being older, it would have had a very different feel to OP than to her younger siblings, and she is her brothers sister in law, so he would have had a different take on it anyway. If she felt she wasnt getting the quality time with her existing family and with her own mother because of someone who, to her, was a stranger, that is bound to cause some feels. I've seen it happen and usually its because an "outsider" (as they see it) is inserted because someone else within the family is ok with it, but doesnt actually take the time and trouble to get to know how everyone else feels about it and ease them in. They assume because they are good with it, everyone else is. I suspect that is what happened here - the mum assumed everyone was fine with it, didnt really enquire as to how the rest of the family felt, and resentment at not having her feelings taken into consideration has resulted in OP not building the same bond with Ally and now cannot ever see her as family. I dont think it has anything to do with blood. I think its all about how the situation came to be and with OP basically being told how she should feel when she didnt. I don't think OP is TA, but I do think the situation has led to Ally being hurt all over again, which is really sad.
I have to wonder then if OP has communicated not feeling attached to Ally in the past, or if she’s just seething in silence and taking it out on someone who is just existing in the same space. And really, why did OP choose that very public moment to deliberately declare how much she doesn’t view Ally as family or even care about her? For being 26, she behaved in an incredibly immature manner
Some people take a very long time to mature ( if they ever do). To come to terms with things that happened when they were younger and be empathetic to other people's situations. I understand where OP is coming from, and she has every right to say who is in the picture. To me the Drama badge stands for one reason only. There was no reason to make this a public scene. She could have made arrangements beforehand and discussed this with her mother instead of waiting until the girl was right there. It would still hurt, but the public display to her face made it a crappy thing to do.
It really feels like as far as the first story goes: OP is not wrong for not feeling like Ally is family, but it she DID go about the situation poorly in the moment. Shaaba was right that she could have just done different family sets in photos, instead of publicly excluding Ally. That's just a hurtful thing to do, even if it's a 'true to your feelings' thing.
I feel like bullies are often protected over the victim both at school and at work. When I had an issue with a roommate who was mean to my service dog I was almost moved to a different apartment
I'm aromantic and definitely don't plan on ever having kids, and your decision on that second one surprised me. I legit had no idea that it would be at all bad to look at the gender and other test results without your partner, I was thinking that person wasn't _at all_ the drama, since the husband never explicitly mentioned looking at it together Interesting how my perspective on that is influenced by not ever thinking about having that experience myself
If got 4 kids and I definitely don't think it's a big deal to look at it without the partner, in fact i let my husband (now ex) get results of my ultrasound that i disnt care to see. Especially in this case since she may not have been specifically looking to see the sex but just saw it while looking at all the other test results. It's a screening for potential risk for chromosomal defects but also may contain information about the pregnant person's health since it actual looks at their DNA.
For the wedding one, I think OP is also the drama because they are an entire adult who had time to plan how to best go about their wedding, and Ally is a teenager and was a child through the time they've known each other. It's reasonable that they wouldn't feel the same as others who grew up in the same household when they were a good bit older, but acting like it's the younger girl's fault and hurting her because of it, under the guise of "it's my wedding and my family is these people in particular", isn't right of her.
I think the big thing in the first one is age. OP was 16 when they started coming around so she was only around for the first 2 years of Maya and Ally being around. She was likely off at college or off living her life for the last 8 years since she graduated and didn’t have as much time around Ally to form the bond that others have.
i had a sister who was fostered (not legally adopted) into my family when i was 19, after i had already been moved out for 2 years, and i never once even considered that she was any less of a sister. i definitely get not being bonded or besties but that doesn’t make them less family. there is something else going on here beyond the age gap.
I get the instinct to believe that, but it’s just an excuse. OP doesn’t want to care about Ally and doesn’t want Ally to be part of their family. I know lots of people who got siblings late in their teens, and they’re absolutely siblings who love each other. If OP were more open to unconventional family, they could be one of them too.
Yeah and if it only for a few photos I don’t really see what’s the problem. Like if ally was in other photos and got to participate in the wedding I don’t see what’s wrong with op just wanting a photo the way she wants.
1. She's 14 and the bride's family is the only real family she's ever known (from what we're told of bio "parents") - you don't form many memories younger than 4 years old. So she's a delicate age, has had a difficult childhood and considers bride's family to be her family. Also, regardless of the situation, if someone "accidentally" got up for the "wrong" photo then just roll with it - it potentially adds to the memories of the day: "Do you remember when grandad misheard and joined the bridesmaids' photo at your wedding? 😆" The bride could probably have predicted the situation anyway, so she should have just called people up by name if she was deadset on excluding this child from the "family" photo - just have another one with the two unofficially adopted sisters, the brother who married the older sister, their kid and the bride and groom. 2. Isn't how and when you want to find out the sex of your baby one of the things that couples normally discuss as part of the baby creation process or even just in general chit-chat long before there's a hint of a baby? It baffles me that someone could have feelings *that* strong and not have mentioned it ever. Regardless, his reaction was *way* over the top and possibly veering into abusive territory (especially if this is typical behaviour). He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be raising a child with! 3. I feel like this needs more context, I'm just as confused as you! Having said that, if you were applying for a job at a company where a family member worked (especially if it's a job where they're likely to see each other or maybe even work together) why wouldn't you at least mention it to that family member? I'm not sure that they would have necessarily brought it up in the interview. The main reason to mention knowing someone is the person already working for the company sometimes gets a referral bonus or perhaps asking how the applicant heard about the company.
My thing for the OP being the drama in the first one is that the way she went about it was very unkind. It could've been discussed in advance of the wedding instead of basically emotionally sucker punching this literal child. I personally would've had the kid in the pictures, but even if I wouldn't there's no reason not to plan on advance which pictures will be taken and with whom
For the second story, that couple needs counselling ASAP. It's fine for the husband to be put out that it didn't happen how they wanted, but the way they reacted was super unhealthy. Saying "You always do this" and then dolling out not just a punishment but a financial punishment when it is likely that husband would be earning more than the OP (because the gender pay gap and because OP will be taking time off for pregnancy stuff), is VERY controlling behaviour. Maybe it's a one off thing that can be fixed, but if it's a pattern, then OP needs to know about it and decide if they are willing to put up with it.
Are we sure of the financial punishment? I thought that was a leap they made. I took "you're responsible for buying all the baby stuff" meant the labour of shopping and deciding on things, because he's lost his excitement to buy blue stuff or whatever. Still totally unhinged, just not AS abusive
@@graciecat6344Considering she is pregnant, and far along enough to tell the sex, forcing her to do all of the labour of the shopping is still cruel. Of course, it’s still not the same as financial abuse, but it’s worth considering how difficult that would be. Also, I don’t think anyone should be “punishing” their partner. Like, when I get mad or upset with someone, I go sulk for 5-20 minutes and then I’m done. So I need the person I care about to leave me alone for that time. But I can’t imagine deliberately “punishing” someone for something you think they did wrong - ESPECIALLY when you’re life partners, you’re supposed to be on even ground. “Punishing” your partner, in my opinion, is almost always abusive - whether it be emotional abuse or something else.
Exactly. If he keeps this up, I'd say push for therapy (if possible,) and if he either refuses therapy or refuses to calm down and quit being childish, then maybe she should look into a divorce. Like to try to communicate and be reasonable, but if either party refuses to be reasonable...I will say from experience that while yes, the transition will be rough and things won't be easy, but being a single parent is far less stressful and so much easier than raising a kid while also dragging a man child behind you (and this goes for whether the responsible parent is the mom or the dad amd regardless of whether or not the immature parent is the mom or dad. If this was the other way around, I'd be saying the same thing to the dad.)
@@loki_is_tiredI agree 100% . It was only the financial issue I thought people might be reading wrong. As I said, still totally disturbing behavior either way
my mom opened my letter from the police. my letter that was information about how to get your files sent to a potential employer. she didnt even ask OR MENTION it. i just came home and it was open on the table. she opens any letter that SHE THINKS is important. thats what kept me from starting the transition process - her lack of respect for my privacy. i dont care what the letter is about, no one should open your mail without your expressed consent. mail is glued shut FOR A REASON
For the first OP I think they are a) salty that their parents are sharing resources with someone else, and b) have the privilege of not knowing what it's like to grow up in an unstable home. They don't have to love anyone of course, it's a matter of basic respect. Humiliating someone like that during an event & being so unsympathetic ("they have their own family") is yikes. Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!
I follow "family is what you make of it" and that applies to both blood isn't auto in and you can add people not sharing blood. But also you don't HAVE to add someone to your family and if you don't want them in your photos you don't want them. The only reason they'd be the drama is how they handled it. If it was a sneer "you aren't my family" then absolutely the drama. But if it was just "I only want certain people in my photos so please sit off to the side" then not the drama. I did like your suggestion of doing one photo with everyone then another with a smaller group. Or potentially put Ally at the very end so she could have been edited out pretty easily. Usually photographers don't charge by the click so it would have been easy to just not keep the photo with Ally.
To me, it came across like OP from the "adopted" sister story was jealous of Alli and their parents putting a lot of energy and resources into another kid, when they already were splitting their attention between their four biological kid. Idk maybe they felt neglected and are holding a grudge. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much. However, I think regardless of why they doesn't care about the kid, OP is definitely the problem for being cruel and callous to a little girl's feelings. Especially a little girl who's almost certainly already had trauma around family, since things were bad enough in her original home that she and Maya left. I think there's a higher responsibility to be kind as an adult interacting with a child
As a person who sits on HR independent panel (ACAS) to assess conflict in work. Usually the person who is moved is the one who causes the issues or most likely will be put through a disciplinary process. The alternative is if the person being targeted is having issues with the majority of the team it’ll be them who move as it’s not feasible to relocate the majority of your team for one person. Also, could be that the brother wanted to work at this company as they offer a better employment package - sometimes salary isn’t everything, flexible working and pension can sway a person to move “sideways” from one company to another. I do agree with Jamie though we need more information 🙈 and happy birthday Jamie! Welcome to the 30s club 😝
Omg, I have a boss who bullies and harasses tf out of me, but everyone else likes me & I generally don’t cause “trouble.” I’ve reported her several times though, and she still continues to verbally abuse me (and others) despite the fact I’ve had to go through the process of getting an autism diagnosis so I could get accommodations and get her tf off my back. She has tried to violate them a few times. I plan to report her again, after writing every incident down.
@@introusas I am so so sorry you have been experiencing such a horrible boss. My best advice in this situation is to record all incidents with as much information as possible. If this is verbal it is hard to get concrete evidence but if it happens in front of others then note it down because HR can use that to go speak to these people, do others in your team speak to you about how your boss behaves towards you? Note down any people who have identified the behaviour your boss shows to you. Any emails which can evidence this are good too. Some may recommend recording but I do not recommend this as you need permission from the other person if this was to be used as evidence - however due to your autism if you needed to record as an accommodation to replay this back then there is an agreement to be recorded which could later be used as evidence but right now I would stick to noting down your events and keeping track of those in your team or in the area who can support what you document. Recordings can be tricky to be done correctly and in line with policies and procedures to be used as evidence. Also, not sure if you are in the UK (this is where I am based) we have laws and regulations in place which protect you as a person which covers in the workplace. For us we have the equality work act which protects many different characteristics which are - age, sex, race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, gender reassignment, marriage & civil partnership, and pregnancy/maternity/paternity. As you are autistic this puts you under the disability protected characteristic which could get sticky for your boss. Are they only treating you in this light or is it other team members - I would be exploring this avenue in a case like this to see if there is evidence of discrimination. Are there a lack of accommodations since notifying the workplace of your autism? This again can be a form of discrimination - all of which are taken very serious in an official complaints process. If you are in the UK I would also recommend applying for Access to Work - this is a government funded scheme to ensure you have accommodations put in place for work. Some examples for Autism can be providing noise cancelling headphones, awareness/training for your department at work, and maybe an Autism coach to help yourself with strategies/talking therapies. I have multiple health conditions but I am neurodivergent too, I understand I put a lot of information in this response but I really do hope it helps you out. Nobody should be treated like this at work and I do hope that the issue is resolved for you very soon!
The first story is a perfect example of why taking into account the feelings of existing children is so important in adoption and foster care. I would be very surprised if this was the first time that OP expressed that she doesn’t see Ally as a sister and isn’t ecstatic about her adoption into the family. She most likely expressed this previously - probably not as explicitly, but that should not be necessary - and did not feel understood or even allowed to feel how she feels. OP’s parents did a very kind thing to adopt (even if not legally) Ally into their family. They are clearly kind-hearted and good people. But they made a mistake if they did not consider how their existing children felt about it, how it changed family dynamics, etc. From OP’s point of view it is less kind if it feels forced on her and she is obligated to care about someone. I’m not going to try to guess what happened, why OP feels that way and her other siblings do not, but OP is very likely not just being mean to Ally for the pleasure of it or to be a bully. If she feels this strongly about it, her family should also consider why it came to that point.
true but in the story OP is a grown adult. They can put those feelings aside for the sake of Ally, just for the minute or so it would take to take the photo. And they can delete the photo after
For the final one, it’s kinda common for the person getting bullied to get removed for… some reason. For example I got threatened by this group of kids a few years ago, and instead of then getting in trouble *I* has to stay in some conference room in the school office for the rest of the day! Which the day was only half over when it happened!
Story one; I’m in two minds but I think I’m coming down on the NTA side because it’s OPs wedding and she’s allowed to want the photo she wants. I personally would have included her for some photos but not all photos.
exactly! I don't even consider OP TD because of the photo but because of the Ally "already has a family" comment. She clearly doesn't and OP is so ignorant and I would even say potentially bigoted to suggest that
Concerning the first one I have a feeling that OP didn't get enough attention from the parents or maybe felt as an outsider in her big family, so she saw this little girl whom her parents accepted and dotted on as a competition. From her wording about resources I gather that she's still somewhat jealous. It's not that nice taking those feelings out on a teenage girl, yet I feel kind of sorry for OP as well. It buffles me that her parents didn't try to find out the reasoning behind her actions and talk it out, but just accused her of being drama instead. I have a hunch that it's exactly how it usually went in their family: you're the oldest, so deal with your emotions on your own and think about your younger siblings
I totally agree, but I also think a 26 year old needs to be able to 1. Work through their emotions enough on this to be able to express these things (OP is like. Not expressing this. She's just saying shit like it's self evident when it is not) 2. Even if she didn't learn how to express her feelings well growing up. She's still 26 and married. It sucks but it's her job to figure out how to do it now so she doesn't hurt others (already failed at that, but she's gonna need it for her spouses sake). 3. She seems to have no comprehension of like. Consequences. I did want my half sister at my wedding but I did not want my father there. She's too young to make that decision on her own, but I knew well enough not to try to invite her and NOT invite him. OP thinks she can isolate a 14 year old and then like. Face no consequences from the people who care about that 14 year old. I would feel badly for OP if 1. They weren't 26. 2. They actually admitted where the problems were coming from. Right now we're mostly having to conjecture, while OP acts like a middle school bully at her grown and married age.
The second one nearly gives me ptsd panic of my ex who's covertly narcissistic.... doesn't say anything until you've "broken" something. They both need therapy.
Happy birthday Jamie!!! First story: (I wrote this before you read the Reddit comment.) I'd like to know more about the history between OP and Maya and Ally. Oldest siblings go through the most disruption in family dynamics because they were there first to experience each change with each new sibling. While I don't think OP is right, I think their feelings probably stem from their feelings of being a child whose family dynamics were in flux. OP must have been a teenager when Maya and Ally first started staying over, so they might have felt like there was finally a little stability now that there wasn't a new baby sibling every couple years - and then come along these surrogate siblings. I wonder if OP got the attention they needed as the oldest of six, two of whom were probably perceived as "more in need;" also, it's not uncommon for the oldest of large families to be assumed to be okay because that's more convenient to the parents ("OP is 16, so they can handle it; I need to take care of Younger Sibling). At one point, OP said that they don't know why Ally stays at their parents' house when Ally has parents of her own. I think OP might be transferring their resentment of their parents toward Ally because it's easier than admitting that their parents may have emotionally neglected them. Second story: The husband is being immature. He never told OP that he wanted to look at the email with her. Of course, even if she knew there were no problems in the test results, she'd still want to see them as soon as possible. If it were me, I'd probably text my husband and ask him if he wanted me to wait for him, but honestly, if excitement, hormones, sleepiness, hunger, or whatever were strong enough to cloud my judgment, I might look without thinking. Third story: I wonder if OP and maybe her husband got angry at the brother before he could finish explaining himself. I think it must be at least a somewhat big company because OP's husband switched departments to be away from the bully. People don't just switch jobs for no reason. Either he's not happy with his old job, he'd been secretly hoping to work at the husband's company for a while and finally got in, he networked with someone who promised him a good position, the commute is better, or something else. Like, it just reads to me that the brother got the job, told OP and her husband in excitement, and then OP and maybe her husband blew up and never learned the whole story.
Thank you so much for uploading I really need it to distract me, my grandma is really unwell. I‘m freaking out rn because I‘ve been going to check on her and during half an hour she asked what she should cook tomorrow and has forgotten that we talked about it with her and she’s really pale and I can’t breathe I‘m so scared 😭
Deep breaths, I hope you’re okay. If she’s having a new sense of energy I’d say that’s a very good time to be spending as much time as possible with her. Share all the favourite memories with your family. I’m really sorry, I know it can be too much to wrap your head around when you’re lost in a sea of emotions and they all feel bad. Find the precious moments and give as much of your energy to those as you are able 💛
The one with Ally and Maya...OP is the oldest and a new young child was forced into their life. I don't agree but I 100% get being resentful and never bonding, that child just was taken in. She was very young at the time and probably got all kinds of attention. I feel like we need to look at this knowing OP is oldest and probably had a lot of responsibility or expectations around a new young kid as a kid and never grew out of it.
nah for me it's the Ally "already has a family" comment that I think makes them TD. She clearly doesn't and OP is so ignorant and I would even say potentially bigoted to suggest that
As a mother of a premature child and a pregnant person who had to have multiple tests done, hearing results and seeing them, can give you two very different levels of assurance. Especially when you're pregnant and hormonal! I can appreciate why she looked. She could have kept the rest of herself.
One thing I thought about that no 1 else mentioned is that those test results were about her body and what was happening to it not just about the gender of the baby. And the fact she was so quick to say sorry when she realized that it hurt his feelings to me eliminates any drama from her.
Exactly. And I've heard people say in situations that the mother is wrong for "not including the father" and on one hand I get why people say things about the baby should be about both parents; but this test is her blood work, looking at her DNA. Most prenantal appointments and screenings are about the health of the person carrying the baby as much as they are about the baby or should be at least. Someone doesn't stop having the right to their own medical information just because they're carrying a child. I remember feeling like even doctors seemed not to view me as having any autonomy as the patient during some of my pregnancies. I get why the father was disappointed she didn't wait but cannot understand this reaction.
S1: the thing is, you can’t force a relationship. If OP doesn’t feel like Ally is like her sister or doesn’t love her, then you can’t make those feelings.
Just wanted to chime in and say thanks for these videos. My autism is mostly social based so these videos help me figure out social interactions in case they happen to me 😊
For the first story, you don't have to love someone to be kind to them. I am actually not of the opinion that everything in your wedding should always go your way, because a wedding is a social event. So like all other social events you should take people's feelings into consideration. You're not having your wedding in a void, your family also has feelings.
I think for the first one: Maya as a wife of OPs brother is seen as a permanent member of a family, on the other hand maybe that is not how OP sees Ally, she could simply assume that Ally will disapeer from their lifes when she turns 18
Which I think is kind of unlikely because she basically join the family at four given the fact that she already has one, but they’re not stable or positive influence on her life. she probably views op’ family as her family, I don’t think it’s realistic to assume that she would just slink away at 18. These are the people she actively relies on as family. She said she didn’t felt loved by Op, implying Ally loves her like family, which kind of makes it even more sad. Op got some resentment and some oldest child syndrome, which, honestly is her responsibility to deal with.
The first story made me think of the way my siblings and my cousins make me feel. They are all the same age and grew up together. I am 10 years younger, thus I was always in a different phase then the others. So i always felt (and honestly was) kinda left out. Now lets flipp it the other way round. OP is significantly older then her other siblings and the two girls. So while the others grew up together, she was "left" out and probably even made to watch her, because, as mentioned in other comments, the oldest children often get parentified. So she maybe never got to be a sibling but had to bethe babysitter. And it was never a discussion if she wanted that. She just had to.
For the baby reveal one. I do want to add that even if they told you the baby was okay, there is still important medical information that is included in those forms in addition to the gender. There are certain tests and genes that come from this same blood work test, such as higher risks of certain conditions, so for me I wanted to open it right away. They can tell you your baby is fine, and then these tests can reveal your baby is fine but they also carry the gene for xyz health conditions. I was at work, so in my case I texted my husband saying I don't think I can wait. Are you okay if I open this email now? He was fine with it, but I just wanted to add one more point that she might have just been anxious excited, and not even about the gender. so I would go NTA especially since her partner was being super mean.
It's also possible to see that baby is fine but with her carrying a specific gene she didn't even know about she may be at higher risk even if babies risk is low. There have been situations when these test have revealed no significant results in the fetus but cancer or a genetic defect in the mother, I'm sure that would have been mentioned if that was the case even though that wasn't specifically what the test was looking for. Personally i still look at every result super carefully because I've had doctors tell me things are fine when they're just "slightly abnormal". So she may have had anxiety about the results and looked and wasn't really looking for the sex but just saw it while reading the results. I can understand his disappointment to some extent but not the reaction
That first one I think comes down to resentment from how the kid came into OP's life. From how she describes that at the start of the post (and she must feel that it's relevant if she goes into detail on that), Ally came into their life some time before Maya was 16. That means that at the time Ally was younger than 6, and OP was younger than 18 and the oldest sibbling of 4. Now, funny thing about households with many children: the oldest one tends to end up being the third parent very fast... So the parents chose to open their door to that child, but it likely ended up being OP's job to look after her most of the time (because I don't think it would be Maya, 16yo and staying over at her boyfriend's place who would be doing that). If that was the situation that was forced on OP, I could understand her developping some resentment. And I could also understand no one else seeing the issue because either they're the parents and they were the ones making the decision, or they were younger sibblings and thus not expected to do as much childcaring
not Ally's fault and it was wrong to take that out on her. When you're 26 you can put your feelings aside and take a photo for the sake of a child's feelings and then delete it later if it really bothers you that much.
We knew we were having a girl but we still bought everything we wanted to buy regardless of the gender of our child. I found out while baby shopping that there are a finite amount of 'girls' baby clothes and they are all rather pink and boring. So we decided just to buy her whatever we liked. All the Batman, Lion King and other interesting clothes are in the boys section. (We did not just dress her in boys clothes - she wore dresses and skirts too) Now she's nearly 3 she does like yo wear pink and dresses - but she's decided that on her own.
In the first story, I bet that the OP had already reached around 18 and maybe had moved out or been at college and not had spent that much time with Ally when she came into the picture. And in my opinion, parents tend to get more affectionate/relaxed the older they get. The oldest, OP, probably didn't get their parents' best parenting and feels some dissonance because of this and the lack bonding/living with Ally.
On the second one, I think if I had pictured me and my partner learning the news *at the same time, together* and then I found out she already knew, I would be a bit hurt. However, if I DID NOT tell her that I was expecting us to physically be together and learning the info at the same time, then that's on me.
In the first one, I agree that OP is the drama. It feels like she has some resentment towards Ally and Maya for intergrating into her family but never addressed it with her parents.
If you pause the video and go to 0:00, Shaaba and Jamie both have their eyes closed. You two are BLINKING at the same time, you're that in sync with each other!❤
I thought it was pretty common at weddings for pictures to be taken with all sorts of combinations of people. Why not take pictures with everyone and then only choose to display the photos you want to look at? Other people can display the photos they prefer. The only reason I can think that the OP would want to specifically exclude Ally is because of a personal dislike.
Happy birthday Jamie! February 19th is also Batman's birthday. :) ETA: A lot of small companies will ask in the interview if you know anyone who works there. This is pretty normal, and if OP's brother lied and said that he didn't, IMO that makes him the drama.
At my wedding, at the photographer’s suggestion, we took the huge group photo first. Everyone we possibly wanted in it was in, then we started taking people out and reducing the group so we could get family shots, sister shots, parent shots etc. because it’s easier to start with all the people and release them rather than trying to track everyone down after they’re all scattered. In that circumstance it would have been so easy to have a big group shot, then say “okay now only blood family, now only siblings” etc. It didn’t have to go down like that, OP. It feels like she took this opportunity to make a stand about Ally, which is her right at her wedding but was it really the best time?
happy 30th jamie!!! loved your dinosaur cake and i hope you had a wonderful day 🎉 also jamie's take on the second one was absolutely perfect regarding punishment. what a horrible reaction to what was upsetting, yes, and inconsiderate, but a ultimately a mistake.
I would *never* exclude anyone from a photo or event. That said, after I lost my only full brother, it felt like a betrayal to refer to people as siblings who weren’t… or give them the wrong label. IE: calling my very close nephew my brother or niece my sister. Half siblings were just that.. Half. Again, I’d never exclude them from anything and my love didn’t change… but something in me did. Sometimes I feel bad doing it because they still refer to me in the same way but it’s been 15 years and I’m still stuck.
On the last one we ONLY get OP's view on things. From their point of view their brother had no reason to switch jobs but that might not have been true at all. The brother might have secretly hated his job or something. He may have reasons he simply didn't want to share with his sibling. IDK it feels like OP is just taking it far too personally
Happy Birthday Jamie!! I can't wait to watch this episode I've had a rough past week dealing with bigots. Thank you for brightening my day!! And to everyone else, you're awesome and loved have a wonderful day :) Edit 17:11, even if let's say she didn't want Ally in the photos, she could have taken a picture with her and a picture without her and Maya?? I don't understand why she had to exclude her at all, OP is definitely the drama regardless of reasoning, she was unnecessarily harsh.
Happy birthday Jamie. You guys are my favourite internet people and I love the communities both of you have built. Much love, be kind and have a great day ❤
Happy birthday Jamie! The first story is an interesting example of the idea that the freedom to do what you want =/= freedom from consequences. Yes, OP can choose who to include or exclude in wedding photos, but making and carrying out the choice in a hurtful manner means that people will feel hurt, and for that hurt she is the drama. The drama over who is considered "family" or not is admittedly a bit bizarre to me because I don't have a close relationship with a lot of my extended family but still consider them family, regardless of if there's shared blood or legal documents involved. My living grandparents all have partners and I consider them family. I haven't met their kids (or even know if all of them have their own kids) but they could be just as much extended family as a great-uncle I've never met and have only seen in photos. Knowing that someone is important to a family member is enough for me. With the baby reveal, honestly I could understand OP being anxious about the results even though she was assured everything was fine. I'm someone who likes to see lab results for myself, and these are technically OP's lab results. Then factor in the anxiety that comes with having a first baby. What really gets me, though, is that OP's husband didn't clarify how he wanted to find out the results other than sharing some kind of moment, and isn't being told excitedly by his wife "we're having a boy!" a moment to be shared? I don't know, it seems to me at least like it could be a cute and exciting moment. If all he said was that he wanted to "share the moment" and didn't specify finding out together, I could see where the misunderstanding came from. His reaction is definitely disproportionate. OP is not the drama.
I just want to give the lady who's husband was bullied a hug. I'm sure there's still plenty that she doesn't know and it's frustrating being confused. It will take time to sort out her feelings, but ultimately her brother made his choices and she's not entitled to an explanation. Unless there's more to the story that would give her valid reasons to mistrust her brother, she should take care to not let her feelings make her say something she might regret.
I definitely think the most elegant solution to the wedding photos situation would have been a photo with everyone including sister-in-law, nibling, and "adopted" sister, and one with ONLY parents and biological siblings, no one else. (edit for wording)
As far as why the person who was getting bullied was the one they moved; that's just how workplaces do things, I guess. I was being harrassed by a coworker (not bullied, it was closer to sexual harrassment, where the guy would not stop crossing boundaries) and the way my boss responded to the situation was to remove ME from the job that I liked to do and into a job that I hated. I got lucky that I could decide to go back and find ways to avoid him, and then he got fired for theft.
Oh goodness my brain sometimes. You two adorable peaches said "...the three genders are boy, girl and bleh..." at which point my brain piped up with: "Does that mean triplets would be bleh-bleh-bleh (in my best count dracula from hotel transylvania voice when he's talking to Maven). I will see myself out. 😅
for the first one i think op is ntd for feeling the way she does, you can't force her to love anyone if she doesn't and she doesn't have to consider anyone family if she doesn't want to. and i think with the 12 year age difference i think it's understandable that to her ally is just some kid she's forced to deal with, whereas she more or less gew up with maya too but definitely ytd for how she handled the situation. i think there could've been a conversation before the wedding about the photos, where they could've talked about what op wanted and discussed the situation. ally would've probably still been hurt, which is understandable, but it wouldn't have been as dramatic as telling her then at the wedding to go sit down, instead agreeing on it beforehand
Happy birthday Jamie! Just want to let you know these videos always make me so happy and i’m really glad you make them together now, i love seeing both you’re opinions on the posts :)
I remember the "adopted kid" one and my take on it was well you may not see her as family but clearly EVERYONE else sees her as family. So it doesn't matter what you say or do you're gonna make everyone else upset in that situation. There is no "winning" in that situation whether you like it or not. You have the right to not accept someone but everyone else also have the right to accept someone just as equally. I also have to point out they did the picture as OP wanted but they still have the right to say how they felt of the entire situation. I also thought it was a bit weird that op was the only one of the entire family that disliked this girl. Then again my family is very similar to OPs mom, we accept anyone who needs it. It has never caused any friction for us children having other children and teens be with us and our family even on big occasions. Like even my grandparents and other family members tell us to bring said friends to every other family event now so they're very much always accepted into the entire family at this point even if they lived on and off with us due to their lives. They're both our friends and our family.
One thing that stood out to me in the post is OP commenting that Ally started "taking up resources," which is such a strange thing to say about a child who is coming from a bad home life. It feels like OP is resentful of Ally for existing at all and used the photo as a way to broadcast how much she resents Ally being in the family. Of course OP is allowed to feel the way she feels, but still, being so deliberate without much explanation other than "because" is certainly a choice.
![NISAMANEE - TADA (ท้าดา) [ OFFICIAL MV ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hcQHEPMmJpU/mqdefault.jpg)
"There's a reason your husband isn't liked" as a neurodivergent child bullied since kindergarten, that one hurt me, ngl.
Same!
That commenter is showing their cruelty on their sleeve. I’m sorry people have treated you horribly just for being you.
@@Rikrobat Thank you. It hit me because I heard even teachers talk to my mom telling her that there had to be a reason the other kids didn't like me. Bless them, nobody knew what were these things in the early 80's and yes, I'm old, lol.
The good thing about now is that it's easier to find "your people", and some online spaces have become very welcoming of every other weirdo like me.
Same
@@arualblues_zeroAbsolutely agree, people feel more free to be their authentic selves, no matter how “weird.” I got lucky as a kid and found lots of other undiagnosed ND friends, but in high school and adulthood it has kind of flipped on me and I struggle to build close friendships now. Hopefully that’ll change.
First story: OP is 28, her brother is 24 and married to Ally's sister. The other sibblings are 18 and 16 and thus much closer in age to Ally. OP was 14 when Ally was born and it sounds like she was an adult by the time Ally started coming to their house. I can understand her not loving Ally as a sister while the other family members grew up with her more and do feel like that. I can also understand OP wanting a photo with only her parents and sibblings. If I were her I would have made a lot of photo's with a lot of different people. She could have made pictures with only her parents, only her sibblings, only her core family, only her sibblings plus SIL and Ally, everyone, and so on. That way she could have had the pictures she wanted and also made Ally feel more included.
Exactly!! How are you supposed to feel bonded to a strange girl when you are an adult starting your life, probably moving out and such
I also thought I would have made a bunch of fotos and then it doesnt stand out so much .
Yes on taking lots of different photos. Also, Photoshop exists.
@@flotenstimme4608 yeah, that's definitely a better option. Take some with all of them, Ally included, take some with just the bio siblings, etc. and then everyone could have been a part and people who wanted other photos available later could have had them, and it wouldn't have been so clear to Ally that she alone was being asked to leave. As a stepkid, that's often how it got done when we were younger - I wasn't included in all my stepfamily's photos, simply because they had different groups gathered, but it didn't make as big a mark that some photos had my stepsibs and not me because the family made sure I was in whole family photos, cousins in general photos, etc. I think there were far more tactful ways to do this than to simply exclude her altogether and OP didn't try to think of those.
@@saraviegas2141that still doesnt excuse OP saying "immediate family" and then including Maya + her nibling, AND insisting that Ally "has her family" as if she hadnt previously explained that their "family" was abusive and shitty. OP can choose to not view her as a sister while still respecting her.
The baby sex results thing is such a massive eyeroll to me. I got results via phone so my husband had no chance to learn any way but me telling him (and I asked if he wanted me to tell then or do a thing). The absolute temper tantrum he threw because she learned earlier? What the fuck ever. And frankly his response is so over the top it's straight into red flag territory. Big nope from me. I don't think she's the drama at all, if you do, sure. But it's so eclipsed by his totally abnormal and disproportionate response that I'm jaw dropped open over it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who saw red flags there.
Yeah it's super weird. When I did NIPT they told me that the baby looked fine and they told me the sex over the phone, then sent the email. They called me in the morning when I was at work and then I called my partner to let him know.
However I do wonder why she didn't let him know that the email arrived, they could also have opened it together over the phone and have a cute moment!
My results are apparently going to be in a card in an envelope I pick up next week. I'm hype. But I also might call my husband the second I have them and say should I open this on the phone, do you mind if I look before I get home? I don't think my husband would ever be upset if I knew first
It was the “you always do this” response that gives red flags. Hope she is okay in this situation!!
As someone with ADHD, I can ABSOLUTELY see how this could happen and it having nothing at all to do with being inconsiderate. I've heard repeatedly from parents about how hormones create a mental fog, and that coupled with the fact that the father never said that he wanted them to open it together, I could totally understand the mother impulsively opening it and sharing it with her husband as soon as he got home. She's growing another human being inside her. That takes a toll. She wasn't being a jerk about it. Give her a break.
For the first one, I'm wondering if, as the oldest in a family of four, with a fair age gap between all the siblings, and then having two more kids added to the family when they were 16, this is a lack of attention issue. Oldest children in large families are often parentified, made to do parental tasks for younger children, and that can mean they miss out on what they need as a child from their parents. Never mind if a cute and needy four year old started showing up just when maybe your relationship with your parents was going through teen angst, and your mum gives the attention you're craving to her instead. I can definitely see that resulting in backlash.
That, or OP is just a jerk, because while the feelings might be understandable, excluding a child like that is a jerk move, no question.
I thought that was the case as well. There seems to be a certain resentment towards Ally, not because she specifically did something wrong but OP sounds as if talking from the emotional perspective of a teenager who's "forced" to accept and love a new person, they didn't choose. She sounds to me as if she resents Ally for how her parents made her feel overlooked. Which is essentially what she imposed on Ally in the situation with the wedding fotos: a feeling of being overlooked and not considered.
It seems like this is an uncontious feeling or belief that is influecing the way she feels now as an adult. Which isn't her fault but still her responsibility.
While I think there should have been a conversation way before it had to come to this point, it would have still been on her to initiate that and get closure, so she doesn't take her own resentment out on a young and already troubled teenager.
I'm the oldest and new siblings entered my life when I was a teenager. Thought I don't resent them, it was certainly hard on me in a number of ways. I can see how OP might have struggled with the situation.
If that's the case then it's an unresolved issue between OP and the mom and they're resenting the girl for it which is still kinda wrong.
@@whoahanant I know that what they did hurt Ally's feelings but I don't think that was the intention. I think "taking it out on" or "resenting" is too harsh. It's more like Ally is the unintended victim.
@@alex_blue5802 something being unintentional or intentional though doesn't mean anything less of the outcome. Exclusion is not nice and that's how it is in my eyes.
Not to mention I have a similar family dynamic, minus the not accepting part. So while I can see the hardships it doesn't really sit right with me unless Ally was an actual problem. Children and teens don't fully understand everything and that's normal but by the time I was an adult, and even before that, I understood the problem was not really another child/teens fault. I also dislike the phrasing OP said about Ally "taking up resources" which is not comfy when talking about another being imo.
Resenting something also doesn't mean it's as heavy as you think. You can have some minor resentment over many things, which you learn to work past or deal with as it happens. It's not hateful but it can still cause problems in the long run. We all deal with resentment on both minor and major scales all the time. It's ok to have resentment but it's not ok to never deal with it. And here it doesn't seem like it had any closure or planning for. This photo op could've been better planned for rather than it happening so publicly in front of the family which will obviously not be ok with them.
I accidentally spoiled the gender of our child. I left the gender out in the sun, and now it has off-colour fuzz growing in weird places!
Happened to me too. Impossible to ever fully restore to the original gender, have to accept this non-binary sort.
Oh my stars 😂
Thank you so much for the out loud chuckle.
My parents spoiled my gender so much it turned to fluid
@@Land_Sea_Skylar my gender got spoiled so much it stop existing
@@rainbowdiamond9944 petition to make "genderspoiled" an official gender identity
One possibility I'm surprised I didn't hear come up for the baby reveal post was that this kind of overreaction can be part of a serious emotional abuse pattern. Any mistake becomes a weapon to wield forever against the partner because they genuinely feel guilty. It all comes down to whether this is a pattern or a passing stress.
Thank you! I was just wondering if I had listened to too many podcasts/audiobooks that talk about abuse/coercive control that I see red flags where there aren't any so glad to see I'm not the only one seeing them in this case
True, that _could_ be, but I don't think that's a conclusion you can come to based on one situation. Some people just don't handle disappointment well and husband was clearly looking forward to having this moment together with his partner. Yes, he overreacted, but in a disappointed, emotional moment, _everyone_ has already done it. Maybe he is being abusive, but I wouldn't feel comfortable suggesting that considering we don't have a pattern to go off.
Yeah the part about trying to make OP pay for the baby stuff gives this weird vibe like the husband is capitalizing on his wife’s guilt for financial gain by putting this cost all on her
@@Casutamaalso true. I guess this behavior is just a red flag. Not necessarily a sign of danger, but certainly something to keep an eye on. People can definitely be shitty from time to time but patterns are what define abusers
I agree to an extent. Whilst the husband's reaction could definitely be part of a pattern of abuse, my read is that OP seems surprised by the strength of his response which suggests it's out of character for him. For example, a person already conditioned by abuse would likely say things like they "should have known". Though this is not universal because everyone is unique. Having said that, the fact that she doesn't immediately dismiss his proposed punishment is concerning. It could also be one of the early behaviours of abuse, which frequently begins or escalates during pregnancy. I would definitely be keeping an eye out for whether he sticks to the whole, you should shop for all the baby stuff ridiculousness after he's had time to cool off, and whether he's open to admitting his response was disproportionate and exploring why. For context of this response, I don't have lived experience but did my PhD in non physical forms of intimate partner violence.
For the Maya/ Ally situation: I can understand wanting photos of all the immediate family, meaning family and siblings, minus spouses. Then another family photo including Maya, Ally, and your brother's kid too. You can be exclusive and inclusive simultaneously. There is a good option. You're not limited on the number of photos taken.
We have a similar situation in my family, where my cousin is basically an honorary sister. She lived with our family for almost a year when I was 20. I was the only one of the family not to live with her and she lived in my bedroom when I was away at college, though my mom insisted I not be pushed out of the room when I came back for breaks. We include her and her family (husband and daughter) in family photos while also having immediate family photos (me, my sister, my mom, and my dad). It's possible to do both and make everyone feel included. We do photos of me and my sister alone, but also do one with my cousin. Everyone is good!
I think what especially makes OP in the first story the drama is because she did this to a kid who likely already deals with abandonment issues. She knew everyone considers Ally family and could've anticipated this. If she felt so strongly about it, she could've at least found a way to take the photos in a non-hurtful or at least less publicly humiliating way, as Shaaba suggested. Ally literally did nothing wrong and yet she must've felt so horrible. I agree it's likely that OP resents Ally for something her parents did. Maybe her parents paid less attention to her or gave her a lot of chores because of the additional kids in the house or they are those kinds of people who love to help others but neglect their own children in the process. But if that's the case, she's still an asshole for taking that out on Ally and not her parents and I agree with the commenter who said she should go to therapy. Poor Ally :( My heart hurts for her. At least OP is the only one in the family who seems to be like that so I hope Ally usually gets to feel included and loved.
the "Ally still has a family" rubbed me the wrong way. Like no, she clearly doesn't.
I was bullied at work, and its actually very common for the company to punish the victim or try to cover up the situation. If the bully wasn't fired then the transfer might be disciplinary or an attempt to make the problem go away without solving it. When you or someone you love is going through something painful like this, its very easy to see yourself as the victim in every situation.
Absolutely. I have seen it happen. Transferring someone can also be part of the bullying process. It happened to someone I love who was transferred to a job of the same grade, but a lesser status. She was too distraught to do anything about it at the time. She found out much much later that had she wanted to take legal action, she would have had a really good shot at a claim for constructive dismissal, but she left it too late. It was all part of the bulling
Exactly. I an ND amd it can take me at least a good yr to get used to a new job amd 1-2 to find people I fit in with. (Thoufh I'm still usually hovering on the outside of the group.) As a result I m often targeted by AH looking for an easy target. And my current job won't tolerate me pushing back like my old jobs would so I basically was stuck putting up with bullies for 2 yrs. It started just a couple months after I got the job amd only really started to back off last fall and only mostly stopped a few weeks ago. (And it still picks up. My last shift I worked he was staring at me from his buddy's car during break, was commenting about me as I walked ahead ofbthem back into the building after, and started at me a fee times again after they came in the building and I was grabbing my equipment to log back in and a few times throughout the shift. I'm pretty sure him and his buddy were making fun of me again as they passed me after break (he has a habit of making fun of me with his buddies all the time, so it's pretty likely. Like he used to even point to me as he was doing it, until I said something to his manager about it, which was the only reason he backed off some.)
Yes. In my bullying situation, I got in trouble for just asking to be allowed to do my job, or to be treated like an adult. I would ask my supervisor for help dealing with it, and her only advice was to just be quiet and let them treat me like I couldn't do my job (which I had been doing just fine for over a decade before this group of people showed up), because being told to treat me with basic respect might hurt *their* feelings. I ended up voluntarily moving to a different department just to get away from the situation, and I'm sure my old supervisor was relieved.
In my case, I feel like I came out the winner. I enjoy my new job just as much and am getting paid more. Plus, everyone else who was in my previous position at the time has also left, for similar reasons, so now the supervisor is being forced to deal with the mess. So I can feel some satisfaction, at least, but it's clear from all these stories that managers in general need to do a better job of addressing bullies instead of punishing the victims.
I'm very sorry to hear that other people went through this. None of you deserve bullying and I hope you're all able to get jobs where you're treated with the respect and kindness you deserve.
@@Insertia_Nameia Jobs not letting you push back has never been sitting right with me. Sorry they're such shits to you.
Story 1: I'm concerned that Ally didn't cry when OP said that she wasn't welcome in the family picture. She was able to wait until she was home before breaking down. A fourteen-year-old who has just experienced serious heartbreak shouldn't be so adept at controlling her emotions for that long.
Ally learned how to hide her natural reactions so well for a reason. I can't think of any positive explanations for that ability.
“Foisted, is that a word? It sounds more like a noise.”
-You are not wrong, aren’t all spoken words noises? 😀
😂 Yes. All words are made up and all are noises of some kind.
I was super mad when my college acceptance was opened and extra mad because I didn't get the experience of opening my own acceptance. So Shabba, this might be one of those times when the trauma brain might be making you hold family less accountable for your legitimate feelings ❤
Usually the term is "foisted on", meaning you were forced to accept someone or something without much choice. It doesn't always mean an unnecessary thing, but it does have negative connotations. I think what OP is trying to convey is the lack of agency they had in this situation. Clearly this is a big family, and as the oldest OP may feel overlooked. And then on top of that a new kid is added because of her brother's choice of partner. It might feel like an unfair burden for OP. I am not trying to excuse OP's actions but I do feel bad for her. She is yet another victim of Ally and Maya's shitty parents.
@@Lucifersfursona I think you can still feel bad for someone if time has passed or they've grown up. It doesn't make them any less the victim of shitty circumstances when they were younger. When Ally is 26 can someone still feel bad for her having shitty parents?
@@alex_blue5802idk what the other person who responded thinks but imo I do feel bad for OP but it dries up pretty quickly in the harm she's doing to Ally. This whole feeling overlooked thing is an assumption we're making (an assumption I agree with to be clear), OP did not articulate it. OP seems to struggle with self reflection, expression of emotions, and tbh, an ability to anticipate consequences from actions (OK u don't care about Ally... but the people who do are obviously going to respond negatively when you out of nowhere (in their eyes) treat her poorly, so do you wanna commit to that course of action?)
No matter what caused the feelings, OP still essentially bullied a 14 year old who had no idea why she was even being treated that way, and seems completely baffled by people having different feelings than her or reacting to her actions. Obvs some of this immaturity is on the parents. But if you're 26 and getting married, for the sake of your spouse alone, you have to start working on your immaturity. You certainly shouldn't be at the point where you're hurting random children you know that you supposedly don't care about at all
(I think that's more dishonesty from OP tbh. I think if she didn't care at all she woulda let the kid in the photo. She has much more negative feelings, and she's just refusing to be fully honest about it)
@@twistysunshine The line about OP's parents using resources on Ally makes me think she felt neglected or deprived in some way. In a big family there's going to be a limited amount of love, attention, money, and even food sometimes. As you said, OP seems to struggle with self-reflection and I think this is her way of saying she got a smaller slice of the pie.
It's also clear that she has a very different perspective than her siblings, possibly because she moved out soon after Ally started to be included. To her it seem natural to want a photograph with only her close family, not any family friends. To everyone else, asking for this is bullying a vulnerable child and now her whole family is mad at her.
Obviously this sucks for Ally too, but there are lots of other comments about how she is the victim and what OP did wasn't okay. I just wanted to make space to show sympathy for OP and say she is also the victim of Ally not having a stable family life.
so true, but absolutely not Ally's fault. Don't take it out on a kid
In the third AITD, though we don’t know the details of the husband’s drama, it’s not worth assuming he did something wrong. I’ve heard about a couple work place bullying incidents from friends and in each of them the victim is the one who gets transferred/has cut hours/loses out. I don’t understand why, maybe in the hopes of covering up that there’s an issue, but I don’t know why workplaces don’t transfer the aggressor/bully in these situations.
Either way, strong chance the husband IS actually the victim and I usually give benefit of the doubt to someone claiming victim as it’s so common and is often overlooked (otherwise we perpetuate victim blaming culture)
the first story is so interesting to me because people have such varied reactions to it considering their own background on similar matters. i feel like, the same way you dont have to consider blood relatives family if they have not deserved it, you do not have to consider people outside of it either as such, no matter if other people do. i personally have smaller half siblings that i have over 10 years of age difference to each, and while i do consider them family, only by the loosest sense of the word. im not close to them nor do i have any real connection with them to consider them somehow more important than say, my friends. in that way i do relate to op when she says she doesnt really consider ally family, and i think that is fine.
what i do however find a bit weird is that this is a dispute over pictures. of course she has the power to decide who is in her wedding pictures and who is not, but she also really shouldnt be surprised that her decision has consequences. she couldve also done multiple pictures with different people to minimize upset between people involved.... shes not really an asshole for not thinking someone is her family or not, but she is kind of an asshole for not even trying to think how this would feel for ally and try to be a bit nicer about it
"I am 30 and feeling flirty, with you" omg that was the cutiest thing ive ever heard! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!🎉🎉🎉🎉
I agree with all the commenters who think this is more resentment for lack of resources than blood or legal ties. I think OP felt like she lost attention, time, and resources from her parents at a time when she clearly needed them. 16 is an incredibly difficult age and all of a sudden having a young sibling added easily could have meant that she lost all the support she felt she needed. The fact that she is targeting a child for exclusion as a result of her feelings and isn’t able to identify the cause of her feelings means she’s the drama, but the piece I haven’t seen anyone else flag is the parents responsibility. It is a parent’s job to care for family dynamics and to try to make every child seen and heard. I don’t mean changing big decisions (like taking in this child) to cater to their children’s’ feelings, but rather to be sensitive to them. They ignored OP’s feelings about this addition probably because she didn’t make trouble, was the oldest who was expected to be more self-sacrificing, and they were busy. They allowed this to fester. It’s still not ok to take feelings out on a child and OP shows a lack of maturity and self-awareness, but I think the parents have a lot of culpability here for allowing this to spin out of control and neglecting their child’s mental well being and emotional development.
Yiu give very valid points. I still want to add that if I've done my math correctly Maya moved in when she was 16 and that was when Ally started to hang out at their home more. That would have made OP 18 yo at the time which probably meant that she was already or about to move out for university and therefore not spending much time at home anymore while the younger siblings were all still living at the parental home. So OP would have spent way less time with Ally than all of the other siblings have which would explain why they have different relationships with each other. IMO you can't force someone to consider anybody your family even if blood/legally related and they did out OP in a difficult position. Maybe she should have talked to her parents beforehand to avoid this situation in itself but you can't make her consider Ally her family and it's reasonable to only want the people you want in your pictures just like it's reasonable to not invite a sibling/aunt/uncle or even parents to your wedding if you don't have a good relationship with them.
I think that the OP's mother was the biggest drama in the story. She (and the father) obviously didn't manage to add the new members in the family in a way that didn't leave bad blood for anyone as you stated. In addition, according to OP, she brings Ally to the picture without asking OP, so she's still pushing Ally to OP's family. Unless it's a tiny wedding, they could have easily taken the pictures without Ally even knowing, if the Mother hadn't expected that Ally is wanted just because she wants her to be family.
Yes! I was shocked Shaaba didn’t bring this up! Their parents should have known better than to let this grudge grow for so many years. It’s fine if you want to have your house be a safe haven for children who don’t have that, and even to include them as members of your family, but if you’re going to do that, make sure you do it WELL. Make sure the WHOLE family is on the same page.
valid point. I am curious if you would feel the same if the mum got pregnant at that time?
@@jamiethebookwormyes, I think it’s the parents’ job to incorporate new members, whether biological or chosen family. It’s the parents’ job to pay attention to each of their children and identify when they feel they are being neglected. A good first step with older kids when adding new members is simply to ask their thoughts and feelings. One could also suggest they understand it might feel scary to have someone new added and that it could feel like that new person is either taking away attention or resources, etc. Just validating and acknowledging feelings and taking time to continue to show up for the older kids can make such a huge difference. The parent being blindsided by how this person feels means that they never asked any questions or paid any attention. I’m not suggesting you can avoid every issue, but how your children feel about each other should not be a surprise.
21:54 On the first one my parents did the same. I moved out at 17 and my parents took in my brothers friend about the same time.
They call him son call him my brothers brother.
I’m 26 now… I do not have the same bond everyone else has with him, she coulda handled the photos better. But I get it.
The parents made a decision to adopt Ally and that is lovely for them, but they cannot expect OP or anyone else to have the same bond with Ally.
I have an older brother that I share both parents with and grew up with, and I have a much younger half brother, who I did not grow up with (large age gap) but have spend a lot of time with since his birth. I consider my half brother an equal brother and I also have a close relationship with his mom. I consider them both family. My older brother feels a lot more distant to them and never really wanted to spend much time with them except when he has to for family situations. I do not think he’d say Little Brother is an equal sibling. I think it is a shame and that he is missing out, but at the same time I also would never force him to have a close bond or even put him on the spot where he needs to explicitly show how he feels. What good is it to force people into a relationship they are not open to?
@@s.a.4358 exactly. Forcing it is certain to create more rifts and resentment then letting it occur naturally if that’s what is meant to be.
@@s.a.4358 I think that OP still could have handled it better, especially given how young Ally is and that she probably has severe trauma with being rejected
2 things about the first story. One, I agree that I think OP is the drama, but not necessarily primarily because of the addition of Maya in the photo. I think it's more of the fact that it was so public and nobody discussed this beforehand, so everyone watched Ally walk up to them and then get shooed off. The public humilation is the part I have a huge problem with. Because, two, we don't know why Maya was in the photos, and I wouldn't be surprised if OP didn't want her there but didn't have a good reason for it. OP said they wanted their immediate family in the photos, which would include their brother, but I don't know that it would include his wife because his wife isn't immediate family. Maybe OP considers her so, but I could also see OP calling forward their immediate family, their brother walks up with his whole family and they can't think of something their family would accept for why his children and wife couldn't be in the photo, or even maybe just his wife. It sounded more like OP wanted the people they grew up with and Maya ended up in it, but they had the opportunity to say no to Ally. I'd want more information on why Maya was in the photos and if OP wanted her there before concluding my final judgment. But still the drama for doing it so publicly.
The "adopted sister" one - it is interesting the way OP used the word foisted. I'm making a huge assumption, but it sounds to me as though the manner on which Ally became a surrogate part of the family very much felt like it was forced rather than organic to OP. Being older, it would have had a very different feel to OP than to her younger siblings, and she is her brothers sister in law, so he would have had a different take on it anyway. If she felt she wasnt getting the quality time with her existing family and with her own mother because of someone who, to her, was a stranger, that is bound to cause some feels. I've seen it happen and usually its because an "outsider" (as they see it) is inserted because someone else within the family is ok with it, but doesnt actually take the time and trouble to get to know how everyone else feels about it and ease them in. They assume because they are good with it, everyone else is. I suspect that is what happened here - the mum assumed everyone was fine with it, didnt really enquire as to how the rest of the family felt, and resentment at not having her feelings taken into consideration has resulted in OP not building the same bond with Ally and now cannot ever see her as family. I dont think it has anything to do with blood. I think its all about how the situation came to be and with OP basically being told how she should feel when she didnt. I don't think OP is TA, but I do think the situation has led to Ally being hurt all over again, which is really sad.
I have to wonder then if OP has communicated not feeling attached to Ally in the past, or if she’s just seething in silence and taking it out on someone who is just existing in the same space. And really, why did OP choose that very public moment to deliberately declare how much she doesn’t view Ally as family or even care about her? For being 26, she behaved in an incredibly immature manner
Some people take a very long time to mature ( if they ever do). To come to terms with things that happened when they were younger and be empathetic to other people's situations.
I understand where OP is coming from, and she has every right to say who is in the picture. To me the Drama badge stands for one reason only. There was no reason to make this a public scene. She could have made arrangements beforehand and discussed this with her mother instead of waiting until the girl was right there.
It would still hurt, but the public display to her face made it a crappy thing to do.
I think that Op is TA purely because of the fact that they're 26 and Ally is 14. Like they should be more emotionally mature
It really feels like as far as the first story goes: OP is not wrong for not feeling like Ally is family, but it she DID go about the situation poorly in the moment. Shaaba was right that she could have just done different family sets in photos, instead of publicly excluding Ally. That's just a hurtful thing to do, even if it's a 'true to your feelings' thing.
yeah OP is under no obligation to love anyone, however Ally doesn't need to know that
I feel like bullies are often protected over the victim both at school and at work. When I had an issue with a roommate who was mean to my service dog I was almost moved to a different apartment
I'm aromantic and definitely don't plan on ever having kids, and your decision on that second one surprised me.
I legit had no idea that it would be at all bad to look at the gender and other test results without your partner, I was thinking that person wasn't _at all_ the drama, since the husband never explicitly mentioned looking at it together
Interesting how my perspective on that is influenced by not ever thinking about having that experience myself
I'm child-free and felt the same way.
If got 4 kids and I definitely don't think it's a big deal to look at it without the partner, in fact i let my husband (now ex) get results of my ultrasound that i disnt care to see. Especially in this case since she may not have been specifically looking to see the sex but just saw it while looking at all the other test results. It's a screening for potential risk for chromosomal defects but also may contain information about the pregnant person's health since it actual looks at their DNA.
For the wedding one, I think OP is also the drama because they are an entire adult who had time to plan how to best go about their wedding, and Ally is a teenager and was a child through the time they've known each other. It's reasonable that they wouldn't feel the same as others who grew up in the same household when they were a good bit older, but acting like it's the younger girl's fault and hurting her because of it, under the guise of "it's my wedding and my family is these people in particular", isn't right of her.
I think the big thing in the first one is age. OP was 16 when they started coming around so she was only around for the first 2 years of Maya and Ally being around. She was likely off at college or off living her life for the last 8 years since she graduated and didn’t have as much time around Ally to form the bond that others have.
i had a sister who was fostered (not legally adopted) into my family when i was 19, after i had already been moved out for 2 years, and i never once even considered that she was any less of a sister. i definitely get not being bonded or besties but that doesn’t make them less family. there is something else going on here beyond the age gap.
i mean who's to say she moved out as soon as she turned 18
I get the instinct to believe that, but it’s just an excuse. OP doesn’t want to care about Ally and doesn’t want Ally to be part of their family. I know lots of people who got siblings late in their teens, and they’re absolutely siblings who love each other. If OP were more open to unconventional family, they could be one of them too.
Yeah and if it only for a few photos I don’t really see what’s the problem. Like if ally was in other photos and got to participate in the wedding I don’t see what’s wrong with op just wanting a photo the way she wants.
still don't need to make a kid feel like sh1t. Just take a photo with her and delete it later on. Some things aren't meant for kids to know.
1. She's 14 and the bride's family is the only real family she's ever known (from what we're told of bio "parents") - you don't form many memories younger than 4 years old. So she's a delicate age, has had a difficult childhood and considers bride's family to be her family.
Also, regardless of the situation, if someone "accidentally" got up for the "wrong" photo then just roll with it - it potentially adds to the memories of the day: "Do you remember when grandad misheard and joined the bridesmaids' photo at your wedding? 😆"
The bride could probably have predicted the situation anyway, so she should have just called people up by name if she was deadset on excluding this child from the "family" photo - just have another one with the two unofficially adopted sisters, the brother who married the older sister, their kid and the bride and groom.
2. Isn't how and when you want to find out the sex of your baby one of the things that couples normally discuss as part of the baby creation process or even just in general chit-chat long before there's a hint of a baby? It baffles me that someone could have feelings *that* strong and not have mentioned it ever.
Regardless, his reaction was *way* over the top and possibly veering into abusive territory (especially if this is typical behaviour). He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be raising a child with!
3. I feel like this needs more context, I'm just as confused as you!
Having said that, if you were applying for a job at a company where a family member worked (especially if it's a job where they're likely to see each other or maybe even work together) why wouldn't you at least mention it to that family member?
I'm not sure that they would have necessarily brought it up in the interview. The main reason to mention knowing someone is the person already working for the company sometimes gets a referral bonus or perhaps asking how the applicant heard about the company.
Jamie being kinda mad at Shaaba doing conflict resolution really well is so funny 😂😂 "yeah ok we get it youre so good at this" 😩😂 couple goals.
My thing for the OP being the drama in the first one is that the way she went about it was very unkind. It could've been discussed in advance of the wedding instead of basically emotionally sucker punching this literal child. I personally would've had the kid in the pictures, but even if I wouldn't there's no reason not to plan on advance which pictures will be taken and with whom
For the second story, that couple needs counselling ASAP. It's fine for the husband to be put out that it didn't happen how they wanted, but the way they reacted was super unhealthy. Saying "You always do this" and then dolling out not just a punishment but a financial punishment when it is likely that husband would be earning more than the OP (because the gender pay gap and because OP will be taking time off for pregnancy stuff), is VERY controlling behaviour. Maybe it's a one off thing that can be fixed, but if it's a pattern, then OP needs to know about it and decide if they are willing to put up with it.
Agreed
Are we sure of the financial punishment? I thought that was a leap they made. I took "you're responsible for buying all the baby stuff" meant the labour of shopping and deciding on things, because he's lost his excitement to buy blue stuff or whatever. Still totally unhinged, just not AS abusive
@@graciecat6344Considering she is pregnant, and far along enough to tell the sex, forcing her to do all of the labour of the shopping is still cruel. Of course, it’s still not the same as financial abuse, but it’s worth considering how difficult that would be. Also, I don’t think anyone should be “punishing” their partner. Like, when I get mad or upset with someone, I go sulk for 5-20 minutes and then I’m done. So I need the person I care about to leave me alone for that time. But I can’t imagine deliberately “punishing” someone for something you think they did wrong - ESPECIALLY when you’re life partners, you’re supposed to be on even ground. “Punishing” your partner, in my opinion, is almost always abusive - whether it be emotional abuse or something else.
Exactly. If he keeps this up, I'd say push for therapy (if possible,) and if he either refuses therapy or refuses to calm down and quit being childish, then maybe she should look into a divorce. Like to try to communicate and be reasonable, but if either party refuses to be reasonable...I will say from experience that while yes, the transition will be rough and things won't be easy, but being a single parent is far less stressful and so much easier than raising a kid while also dragging a man child behind you (and this goes for whether the responsible parent is the mom or the dad amd regardless of whether or not the immature parent is the mom or dad. If this was the other way around, I'd be saying the same thing to the dad.)
@@loki_is_tiredI agree 100% . It was only the financial issue I thought people might be reading wrong. As I said, still totally disturbing behavior either way
my mom opened my letter from the police. my letter that was information about how to get your files sent to a potential employer. she didnt even ask OR MENTION it. i just came home and it was open on the table. she opens any letter that SHE THINKS is important. thats what kept me from starting the transition process - her lack of respect for my privacy. i dont care what the letter is about, no one should open your mail without your expressed consent. mail is glued shut FOR A REASON
For the first OP I think they are a) salty that their parents are sharing resources with someone else, and b) have the privilege of not knowing what it's like to grow up in an unstable home. They don't have to love anyone of course, it's a matter of basic respect. Humiliating someone like that during an event & being so unsympathetic ("they have their own family") is yikes.
Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMIE!
ikr! The fact that Ally basically moved in with her siblings partner at such a young age shows that she doesn't have another family
I follow "family is what you make of it" and that applies to both blood isn't auto in and you can add people not sharing blood. But also you don't HAVE to add someone to your family and if you don't want them in your photos you don't want them. The only reason they'd be the drama is how they handled it. If it was a sneer "you aren't my family" then absolutely the drama. But if it was just "I only want certain people in my photos so please sit off to the side" then not the drama.
I did like your suggestion of doing one photo with everyone then another with a smaller group. Or potentially put Ally at the very end so she could have been edited out pretty easily. Usually photographers don't charge by the click so it would have been easy to just not keep the photo with Ally.
HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYY JAMIE!!!!!!
To me, it came across like OP from the "adopted" sister story was jealous of Alli and their parents putting a lot of energy and resources into another kid, when they already were splitting their attention between their four biological kid. Idk maybe they felt neglected and are holding a grudge. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much.
However, I think regardless of why they doesn't care about the kid, OP is definitely the problem for being cruel and callous to a little girl's feelings. Especially a little girl who's almost certainly already had trauma around family, since things were bad enough in her original home that she and Maya left. I think there's a higher responsibility to be kind as an adult interacting with a child
As a person who sits on HR independent panel (ACAS) to assess conflict in work. Usually the person who is moved is the one who causes the issues or most likely will be put through a disciplinary process. The alternative is if the person being targeted is having issues with the majority of the team it’ll be them who move as it’s not feasible to relocate the majority of your team for one person.
Also, could be that the brother wanted to work at this company as they offer a better employment package - sometimes salary isn’t everything, flexible working and pension can sway a person to move “sideways” from one company to another.
I do agree with Jamie though we need more information 🙈 and happy birthday Jamie! Welcome to the 30s club 😝
Omg, I have a boss who bullies and harasses tf out of me, but everyone else likes me & I generally don’t cause “trouble.” I’ve reported her several times though, and she still continues to verbally abuse me (and others) despite the fact I’ve had to go through the process of getting an autism diagnosis so I could get accommodations and get her tf off my back. She has tried to violate them a few times. I plan to report her again, after writing every incident down.
@@introusas I am so so sorry you have been experiencing such a horrible boss. My best advice in this situation is to record all incidents with as much information as possible. If this is verbal it is hard to get concrete evidence but if it happens in front of others then note it down because HR can use that to go speak to these people, do others in your team speak to you about how your boss behaves towards you? Note down any people who have identified the behaviour your boss shows to you. Any emails which can evidence this are good too. Some may recommend recording but I do not recommend this as you need permission from the other person if this was to be used as evidence - however due to your autism if you needed to record as an accommodation to replay this back then there is an agreement to be recorded which could later be used as evidence but right now I would stick to noting down your events and keeping track of those in your team or in the area who can support what you document. Recordings can be tricky to be done correctly and in line with policies and procedures to be used as evidence.
Also, not sure if you are in the UK (this is where I am based) we have laws and regulations in place which protect you as a person which covers in the workplace. For us we have the equality work act which protects many different characteristics which are - age, sex, race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, gender reassignment, marriage & civil partnership, and pregnancy/maternity/paternity. As you are autistic this puts you under the disability protected characteristic which could get sticky for your boss. Are they only treating you in this light or is it other team members - I would be exploring this avenue in a case like this to see if there is evidence of discrimination. Are there a lack of accommodations since notifying the workplace of your autism? This again can be a form of discrimination - all of which are taken very serious in an official complaints process.
If you are in the UK I would also recommend applying for Access to Work - this is a government funded scheme to ensure you have accommodations put in place for work. Some examples for Autism can be providing noise cancelling headphones, awareness/training for your department at work, and maybe an Autism coach to help yourself with strategies/talking therapies.
I have multiple health conditions but I am neurodivergent too, I understand I put a lot of information in this response but I really do hope it helps you out. Nobody should be treated like this at work and I do hope that the issue is resolved for you very soon!
The first story is a perfect example of why taking into account the feelings of existing children is so important in adoption and foster care.
I would be very surprised if this was the first time that OP expressed that she doesn’t see Ally as a sister and isn’t ecstatic about her adoption into the family. She most likely expressed this previously - probably not as explicitly, but that should not be necessary - and did not feel understood or even allowed to feel how she feels. OP’s parents did a very kind thing to adopt (even if not legally) Ally into their family. They are clearly kind-hearted and good people. But they made a mistake if they did not consider how their existing children felt about it, how it changed family dynamics, etc. From OP’s point of view it is less kind if it feels forced on her and she is obligated to care about someone. I’m not going to try to guess what happened, why OP feels that way and her other siblings do not, but OP is very likely not just being mean to Ally for the pleasure of it or to be a bully. If she feels this strongly about it, her family should also consider why it came to that point.
true but in the story OP is a grown adult. They can put those feelings aside for the sake of Ally, just for the minute or so it would take to take the photo. And they can delete the photo after
"Thirty, flirty, and thriving!" Happy birthday, Jamie!
Shaaba: I don't really understand the difference between a piece of paper and your mouth.
Me: Wait, what? +rewinds+
For the first one, you're both absolutely right. Thoughts and feelings don't make a person the drama, actions do.
For the final one, it’s kinda common for the person getting bullied to get removed for… some reason. For example I got threatened by this group of kids a few years ago, and instead of then getting in trouble *I* has to stay in some conference room in the school office for the rest of the day! Which the day was only half over when it happened!
Story one; I’m in two minds but I think I’m coming down on the NTA side because it’s OPs wedding and she’s allowed to want the photo she wants. I personally would have included her for some photos but not all photos.
Also, I agree with Jamie that it’s sad OP doesn’t love Ally.
exactly! I don't even consider OP TD because of the photo but because of the Ally "already has a family" comment. She clearly doesn't and OP is so ignorant and I would even say potentially bigoted to suggest that
Concerning the first one I have a feeling that OP didn't get enough attention from the parents or maybe felt as an outsider in her big family, so she saw this little girl whom her parents accepted and dotted on as a competition. From her wording about resources I gather that she's still somewhat jealous. It's not that nice taking those feelings out on a teenage girl, yet I feel kind of sorry for OP as well. It buffles me that her parents didn't try to find out the reasoning behind her actions and talk it out, but just accused her of being drama instead.
I have a hunch that it's exactly how it usually went in their family: you're the oldest, so deal with your emotions on your own and think about your younger siblings
I totally agree, but I also think a 26 year old needs to be able to 1. Work through their emotions enough on this to be able to express these things (OP is like. Not expressing this. She's just saying shit like it's self evident when it is not) 2. Even if she didn't learn how to express her feelings well growing up. She's still 26 and married. It sucks but it's her job to figure out how to do it now so she doesn't hurt others (already failed at that, but she's gonna need it for her spouses sake). 3. She seems to have no comprehension of like. Consequences. I did want my half sister at my wedding but I did not want my father there. She's too young to make that decision on her own, but I knew well enough not to try to invite her and NOT invite him.
OP thinks she can isolate a 14 year old and then like. Face no consequences from the people who care about that 14 year old.
I would feel badly for OP if 1. They weren't 26. 2. They actually admitted where the problems were coming from. Right now we're mostly having to conjecture, while OP acts like a middle school bully at her grown and married age.
I kinda get where you're coming from but at 26 you should have more emotional maturity than a 14 year old.
The second one nearly gives me ptsd panic of my ex who's covertly narcissistic.... doesn't say anything until you've "broken" something. They both need therapy.
Thank you, it's not just me!
Jamie: I don't kiss like a piece of paper.
😂 Love these random quotes!
Happy birthday Jamie!!!
First story: (I wrote this before you read the Reddit comment.) I'd like to know more about the history between OP and Maya and Ally. Oldest siblings go through the most disruption in family dynamics because they were there first to experience each change with each new sibling. While I don't think OP is right, I think their feelings probably stem from their feelings of being a child whose family dynamics were in flux. OP must have been a teenager when Maya and Ally first started staying over, so they might have felt like there was finally a little stability now that there wasn't a new baby sibling every couple years - and then come along these surrogate siblings. I wonder if OP got the attention they needed as the oldest of six, two of whom were probably perceived as "more in need;" also, it's not uncommon for the oldest of large families to be assumed to be okay because that's more convenient to the parents ("OP is 16, so they can handle it; I need to take care of Younger Sibling). At one point, OP said that they don't know why Ally stays at their parents' house when Ally has parents of her own. I think OP might be transferring their resentment of their parents toward Ally because it's easier than admitting that their parents may have emotionally neglected them.
Second story: The husband is being immature. He never told OP that he wanted to look at the email with her. Of course, even if she knew there were no problems in the test results, she'd still want to see them as soon as possible. If it were me, I'd probably text my husband and ask him if he wanted me to wait for him, but honestly, if excitement, hormones, sleepiness, hunger, or whatever were strong enough to cloud my judgment, I might look without thinking.
Third story: I wonder if OP and maybe her husband got angry at the brother before he could finish explaining himself. I think it must be at least a somewhat big company because OP's husband switched departments to be away from the bully. People don't just switch jobs for no reason. Either he's not happy with his old job, he'd been secretly hoping to work at the husband's company for a while and finally got in, he networked with someone who promised him a good position, the commute is better, or something else. Like, it just reads to me that the brother got the job, told OP and her husband in excitement, and then OP and maybe her husband blew up and never learned the whole story.
Thank you so much for uploading I really need it to distract me, my grandma is really unwell. I‘m freaking out rn because I‘ve been going to check on her and during half an hour she asked what she should cook tomorrow and has forgotten that we talked about it with her and she’s really pale and I can’t breathe I‘m so scared 😭
Deep breaths, I hope you’re okay. If she’s having a new sense of energy I’d say that’s a very good time to be spending as much time as possible with her. Share all the favourite memories with your family. I’m really sorry, I know it can be too much to wrap your head around when you’re lost in a sea of emotions and they all feel bad. Find the precious moments and give as much of your energy to those as you are able 💛
Lots of support, wishing the best for Her and for Your mental health, I'll pray for you two :((
❤
The one with Ally and Maya...OP is the oldest and a new young child was forced into their life. I don't agree but I 100% get being resentful and never bonding, that child just was taken in. She was very young at the time and probably got all kinds of attention. I feel like we need to look at this knowing OP is oldest and probably had a lot of responsibility or expectations around a new young kid as a kid and never grew out of it.
nah for me it's the Ally "already has a family" comment that I think makes them TD. She clearly doesn't and OP is so ignorant and I would even say potentially bigoted to suggest that
As a mother of a premature child and a pregnant person who had to have multiple tests done, hearing results and seeing them, can give you two very different levels of assurance. Especially when you're pregnant and hormonal! I can appreciate why she looked. She could have kept the rest of herself.
One thing I thought about that no 1 else mentioned is that those test results were about her body and what was happening to it not just about the gender of the baby. And the fact she was so quick to say sorry when she realized that it hurt his feelings to me eliminates any drama from her.
Exactly. And I've heard people say in situations that the mother is wrong for "not including the father" and on one hand I get why people say things about the baby should be about both parents; but this test is her blood work, looking at her DNA. Most prenantal appointments and screenings are about the health of the person carrying the baby as much as they are about the baby or should be at least. Someone doesn't stop having the right to their own medical information just because they're carrying a child. I remember feeling like even doctors seemed not to view me as having any autonomy as the patient during some of my pregnancies. I get why the father was disappointed she didn't wait but cannot understand this reaction.
These two are so cute! Loved that "holster" moment. 🩷
S1: the thing is, you can’t force a relationship. If OP doesn’t feel like Ally is like her sister or doesn’t love her, then you can’t make those feelings.
true however Ally doesn't need to be aware of this. Children don't need to know every detail of the family dynamic
Just wanted to chime in and say thanks for these videos. My autism is mostly social based so these videos help me figure out social interactions in case they happen to me 😊
OMG WAIT ME TOO 😭 mostly why I watch them
For the first story, you don't have to love someone to be kind to them. I am actually not of the opinion that everything in your wedding should always go your way, because a wedding is a social event. So like all other social events you should take people's feelings into consideration. You're not having your wedding in a void, your family also has feelings.
I think for the first one: Maya as a wife of OPs brother is seen as a permanent member of a family, on the other hand maybe that is not how OP sees Ally, she could simply assume that Ally will disapeer from their lifes when she turns 18
Which I think is kind of unlikely because she basically join the family at four given the fact that she already has one, but they’re not stable or positive influence on her life. she probably views op’ family as her family, I don’t think it’s realistic to assume that she would just slink away at 18. These are the people she actively relies on as family. She said she didn’t felt loved by Op, implying Ally loves her like family, which kind of makes it even more sad. Op got some resentment and some oldest child syndrome, which, honestly is her responsibility to deal with.
i tjink OP sees Ally's bio "family" as still her family which is clearly BS
As someone in a similar situation as the kid in the first story. Its heartbreaking 😭😭
The first story made me think of the way my siblings and my cousins make me feel. They are all the same age and grew up together. I am 10 years younger, thus I was always in a different phase then the others. So i always felt (and honestly was) kinda left out.
Now lets flipp it the other way round. OP is significantly older then her other siblings and the two girls. So while the others grew up together, she was "left" out and probably even made to watch her, because, as mentioned in other comments, the oldest children often get parentified. So she maybe never got to be a sibling but had to bethe babysitter. And it was never a discussion if she wanted that. She just had to.
true but then that should be addressed with the parents, not taken out on a literal child who probably has severe trauma from similar situations
13:31 this happened to me with my step mom's family reunion when I was 7. I was very hurt
❤
For the baby reveal one. I do want to add that even if they told you the baby was okay, there is still important medical information that is included in those forms in addition to the gender. There are certain tests and genes that come from this same blood work test, such as higher risks of certain conditions, so for me I wanted to open it right away. They can tell you your baby is fine, and then these tests can reveal your baby is fine but they also carry the gene for xyz health conditions. I was at work, so in my case I texted my husband saying I don't think I can wait. Are you okay if I open this email now? He was fine with it, but I just wanted to add one more point that she might have just been anxious excited, and not even about the gender. so I would go NTA especially since her partner was being super mean.
It's also possible to see that baby is fine but with her carrying a specific gene she didn't even know about she may be at higher risk even if babies risk is low. There have been situations when these test have revealed no significant results in the fetus but cancer or a genetic defect in the mother, I'm sure that would have been mentioned if that was the case even though that wasn't specifically what the test was looking for. Personally i still look at every result super carefully because I've had doctors tell me things are fine when they're just "slightly abnormal". So she may have had anxiety about the results and looked and wasn't really looking for the sex but just saw it while reading the results. I can understand his disappointment to some extent but not the reaction
“i mean not for KISSING” was the most couple goals thing. this is the kind of relationship i need for the rest of my life
🥳 happy Birthday Jamie!! I hope this is your best year yet! 🎉
That first one I think comes down to resentment from how the kid came into OP's life. From how she describes that at the start of the post (and she must feel that it's relevant if she goes into detail on that), Ally came into their life some time before Maya was 16. That means that at the time Ally was younger than 6, and OP was younger than 18 and the oldest sibbling of 4. Now, funny thing about households with many children: the oldest one tends to end up being the third parent very fast... So the parents chose to open their door to that child, but it likely ended up being OP's job to look after her most of the time (because I don't think it would be Maya, 16yo and staying over at her boyfriend's place who would be doing that). If that was the situation that was forced on OP, I could understand her developping some resentment. And I could also understand no one else seeing the issue because either they're the parents and they were the ones making the decision, or they were younger sibblings and thus not expected to do as much childcaring
not Ally's fault and it was wrong to take that out on her. When you're 26 you can put your feelings aside and take a photo for the sake of a child's feelings and then delete it later if it really bothers you that much.
We knew we were having a girl but we still bought everything we wanted to buy regardless of the gender of our child. I found out while baby shopping that there are a finite amount of 'girls' baby clothes and they are all rather pink and boring. So we decided just to buy her whatever we liked. All the Batman, Lion King and other interesting clothes are in the boys section. (We did not just dress her in boys clothes - she wore dresses and skirts too) Now she's nearly 3 she does like yo wear pink and dresses - but she's decided that on her own.
In the first story, I bet that the OP had already reached around 18 and maybe had moved out or been at college and not had spent that much time with Ally when she came into the picture. And in my opinion, parents tend to get more affectionate/relaxed the older they get. The oldest, OP, probably didn't get their parents' best parenting and feels some dissonance because of this and the lack bonding/living with Ally.
work through that with the parents then, don't take it out on a kid
On the second one, I think if I had pictured me and my partner learning the news *at the same time, together* and then I found out she already knew, I would be a bit hurt. However, if I DID NOT tell her that I was expecting us to physically be together and learning the info at the same time, then that's on me.
HAPPY BDAY JAMIE!!! ‼️🎉🎊
In the first one, I agree that OP is the drama. It feels like she has some resentment towards Ally and Maya for intergrating into her family but never addressed it with her parents.
Happy birthday jammidodger!
Long time watcher of both of your channels and this podcast has been really enjoyable
Happy Birthday Jamie!!!🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
If you pause the video and go to 0:00, Shaaba and Jamie both have their eyes closed. You two are BLINKING at the same time, you're that in sync with each other!❤
I thought it was pretty common at weddings for pictures to be taken with all sorts of combinations of people. Why not take pictures with everyone and then only choose to display the photos you want to look at? Other people can display the photos they prefer. The only reason I can think that the OP would want to specifically exclude Ally is because of a personal dislike.
Happy birthday Jamie! February 19th is also Batman's birthday. :)
ETA: A lot of small companies will ask in the interview if you know anyone who works there. This is pretty normal, and if OP's brother lied and said that he didn't, IMO that makes him the drama.
At my wedding, at the photographer’s suggestion, we took the huge group photo first. Everyone we possibly wanted in it was in, then we started taking people out and reducing the group so we could get family shots, sister shots, parent shots etc. because it’s easier to start with all the people and release them rather than trying to track everyone down after they’re all scattered. In that circumstance it would have been so easy to have a big group shot, then say “okay now only blood family, now only siblings” etc. It didn’t have to go down like that, OP. It feels like she took this opportunity to make a stand about Ally, which is her right at her wedding but was it really the best time?
happy 30th jamie!!! loved your dinosaur cake and i hope you had a wonderful day 🎉
also jamie's take on the second one was absolutely perfect regarding punishment. what a horrible reaction to what was upsetting, yes, and inconsiderate, but a ultimately a mistake.
HR/ management are the asshokes for punishing a bully victim
That intro is sooooo smooth! I love it, very professional!
I always look forward to this podcast
HAPPY BDAY JAMIE
Happy birthday Jamie!!! 🎉🎉🎉
1-800 Drama brings me so much joy every Monday, so thank you both
I would *never* exclude anyone from a photo or event. That said, after I lost my only full brother, it felt like a betrayal to refer to people as siblings who weren’t… or give them the wrong label. IE: calling my very close nephew my brother or niece my sister. Half siblings were just that.. Half. Again, I’d never exclude them from anything and my love didn’t change… but something in me did. Sometimes I feel bad doing it because they still refer to me in the same way but it’s been 15 years and I’m still stuck.
Happy birthday Jamie,!!
On the last one we ONLY get OP's view on things. From their point of view their brother had no reason to switch jobs but that might not have been true at all. The brother might have secretly hated his job or something. He may have reasons he simply didn't want to share with his sibling. IDK it feels like OP is just taking it far too personally
Happy Birthday Jamie!! I can't wait to watch this episode I've had a rough past week dealing with bigots.
Thank you for brightening my day!! And to everyone else, you're awesome and loved have a wonderful day :)
Edit 17:11, even if let's say she didn't want Ally in the photos, she could have taken a picture with her and a picture without her and Maya?? I don't understand why she had to exclude her at all, OP is definitely the drama regardless of reasoning, she was unnecessarily harsh.
Happy Birthday Jamie 🎉
These are never long enough! Happy birthday to Jamie and much love ❤️
Happy birthday Jamie. You guys are my favourite internet people and I love the communities both of you have built. Much love, be kind and have a great day ❤
Happy birthday Jamie!
The first story is an interesting example of the idea that the freedom to do what you want =/= freedom from consequences. Yes, OP can choose who to include or exclude in wedding photos, but making and carrying out the choice in a hurtful manner means that people will feel hurt, and for that hurt she is the drama. The drama over who is considered "family" or not is admittedly a bit bizarre to me because I don't have a close relationship with a lot of my extended family but still consider them family, regardless of if there's shared blood or legal documents involved. My living grandparents all have partners and I consider them family. I haven't met their kids (or even know if all of them have their own kids) but they could be just as much extended family as a great-uncle I've never met and have only seen in photos. Knowing that someone is important to a family member is enough for me.
With the baby reveal, honestly I could understand OP being anxious about the results even though she was assured everything was fine. I'm someone who likes to see lab results for myself, and these are technically OP's lab results. Then factor in the anxiety that comes with having a first baby. What really gets me, though, is that OP's husband didn't clarify how he wanted to find out the results other than sharing some kind of moment, and isn't being told excitedly by his wife "we're having a boy!" a moment to be shared? I don't know, it seems to me at least like it could be a cute and exciting moment. If all he said was that he wanted to "share the moment" and didn't specify finding out together, I could see where the misunderstanding came from. His reaction is definitely disproportionate. OP is not the drama.
I just want to give the lady who's husband was bullied a hug. I'm sure there's still plenty that she doesn't know and it's frustrating being confused. It will take time to sort out her feelings, but ultimately her brother made his choices and she's not entitled to an explanation. Unless there's more to the story that would give her valid reasons to mistrust her brother, she should take care to not let her feelings make her say something she might regret.
I definitely think the most elegant solution to the wedding photos situation would have been a photo with everyone including sister-in-law, nibling, and "adopted" sister, and one with ONLY parents and biological siblings, no one else.
(edit for wording)
Happy birthday Jamie!
As far as why the person who was getting bullied was the one they moved; that's just how workplaces do things, I guess. I was being harrassed by a coworker (not bullied, it was closer to sexual harrassment, where the guy would not stop crossing boundaries) and the way my boss responded to the situation was to remove ME from the job that I liked to do and into a job that I hated. I got lucky that I could decide to go back and find ways to avoid him, and then he got fired for theft.
Happy birthday Jamie! We love you so much ! Thank you for always being here, you two both are sooo comforting to me and always make my day!
Oh goodness my brain sometimes. You two adorable peaches said "...the three genders are boy, girl and bleh..." at which point my brain piped up with: "Does that mean triplets would be bleh-bleh-bleh (in my best count dracula from hotel transylvania voice when he's talking to Maven). I will see myself out. 😅
happy birthday! you are an inspiring human, love your videos
17:48 the thing is that Maya is the one person who is furthest in age from OP. It sounds like OP had the least amt of time to bond with Ally.
for the first one
i think op is ntd for feeling the way she does, you can't force her to love anyone if she doesn't and she doesn't have to consider anyone family if she doesn't want to. and i think with the 12 year age difference i think it's understandable that to her ally is just some kid she's forced to deal with, whereas she more or less gew up with maya too
but definitely ytd for how she handled the situation. i think there could've been a conversation before the wedding about the photos, where they could've talked about what op wanted and discussed the situation. ally would've probably still been hurt, which is understandable, but it wouldn't have been as dramatic as telling her then at the wedding to go sit down, instead agreeing on it beforehand
i think she could just take a photo with Ally and then delete it.
Happy birthday Jamie!
Just want to let you know these videos always make me so happy and i’m really glad you make them together now, i love seeing both you’re opinions on the posts :)
I remember the "adopted kid" one and my take on it was well you may not see her as family but clearly EVERYONE else sees her as family.
So it doesn't matter what you say or do you're gonna make everyone else upset in that situation. There is no "winning" in that situation whether you like it or not. You have the right to not accept someone but everyone else also have the right to accept someone just as equally. I also have to point out they did the picture as OP wanted but they still have the right to say how they felt of the entire situation.
I also thought it was a bit weird that op was the only one of the entire family that disliked this girl. Then again my family is very similar to OPs mom, we accept anyone who needs it. It has never caused any friction for us children having other children and teens be with us and our family even on big occasions. Like even my grandparents and other family members tell us to bring said friends to every other family event now so they're very much always accepted into the entire family at this point even if they lived on and off with us due to their lives. They're both our friends and our family.
One thing that stood out to me in the post is OP commenting that Ally started "taking up resources," which is such a strange thing to say about a child who is coming from a bad home life. It feels like OP is resentful of Ally for existing at all and used the photo as a way to broadcast how much she resents Ally being in the family. Of course OP is allowed to feel the way she feels, but still, being so deliberate without much explanation other than "because" is certainly a choice.
@@Rikrobat yeah I honestly think OP has unresolved issues regarding her. "Taking up resources" is not something positively said.
I first heard "cool beans" in the 90s, possibly before Jamie was born-Happy Birthday, Jamie!
Happy Birthday, Jamie!
It's Family Day here in Ontario (and many other provinces), so Happy Family Day to you and Shaaba as well! 🤗💖
Happy B-day Jamie!
First story is breaking my heart 😭💔