I've spent my whole adult life trying to communicate. Apparently most people just don't want to listen when something doesn't fit their frame of reference.
The 1st OP is giving me a bit of incel energy. Just the way he mentions career, looks, etc. like requirements to get a wife. OP is clearly very insecure about his height/single status and is lashing out because of it. The friends are being gits too, deliberately trying to wind OP up. some friendships are ok with that kind of teasing but OP clearly isn’t. OP should get new friends who lift him up and maybe he’ll feel better about himself and not put down everyone around him.
I agree, dude just sounds SUPER jealous of Ian so he's trying to tear him down to feel better. While his friends do suck, anyone who mocks minimum wage workers gets an immediate red flag from me.
First story, I agree with "everyone sucks," but his "friends" started it. OP does sound like a jerk, but his friend shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it.
@@stroodledoodlespeople who mock minimum wage workers are total dicks, but at least jobs can potentially change (i’m aware it’s much more difficult than that but it’s a possibility eventually), people’s bodies and heights cannot change and mocking that is a HUGE asshole thing to do.
Yes, even by the way that 1st OP worded it 'He works as a waiter' gave me very demeaning vibes from the start. Very much frustrated, insecure and jealous and the fact OP was sober when this happened makes me think. OP1 YTA.
The problem with the insurance policy story is that there is a SHIT TON of assumptions going on here. If the husband is so concerned his spouse wont look after his mom after his end, he could still make partner the beneficiary and literally dictate what happens to the policy IN HIS WILL.
Tldr: the insurance policy is betting that on average they'll pay in 3 million dollars to the life insurance policy for every time they'll actually use it. It seems not a great deal to put money towards that edge case as a pilot while 99% of the time they'd be better off just putting the money towards moving his mom without the policy. I think what I would be concerned about here is that if you cut 1.5 million out of a life insurance policy then you could probably just pay for the mother to move with the money that would have been spent on premiums. Like, home pal isn't the US president or another extremely dangerous job and because of that the death rate is low enough I think they should concern themselves with just paying for her to move with the money they save from not having the policy than planning for a fringe scenario where you wouldn't have quite as absurd amounts of money to split
In my personal experience, being left on read has been blown way out of proportion. We all have lives, just be patient. If you *need* a reply message them again or phone them (politely of course). Don’t just assume they’re being an asshole, it’s most likely unintentional. Obvs if they still don’t reply, then that’s an issue. But give people the chance first. Edit: For those of you who struggle remembering to reply to messages, I recommend making a habit of going through your messages and notifications at the end of the day. Add any messages you're not ready to answer yet to a to-do list. Kinda like a daily debrief.
Yes, thank you! I reply to texts immediately...in my mind, practicing what I'm going to say in reply. Then, three days later, I return to see that it never left my head and I've left people on read.
EXACTLY! The amount of times I either reply in my mind or write out a whole message and forget to send it! I really hope people don't think I'm a dick for that. I think the whole being left on read thing really shows humanities current addiction to phones and constantly being online (I'm not a boomer I promise 😭)
Yes, this. I have a whole life. I often read texts and think oh I’ll reply when I’ve finished , then life continues and I realise days later I didn’t respond.
I get exhausted by messages very easily, and for myself, if I don't put a question mark somewhere in the message, I am not expecting a reply. Because sometimes even just replying with a react emoji leads to another reply, and another, and another, and by the time it's over I'm useless for a week. (Also, quite often, I just take the read notification to mean that someone is OK, if they are travelling or whatever, so if I know they've read something, I know they're not dead, so it's fine. If it's urgent, I can always send a follow up)
While I see your point, I don't understand why people keep clicking on messages if they don't have the time or energy to reply. Sure, sometimes you're interrupted or the message is longer than you expected, but I know many people who always leave others on read for hours, days or even weeks. It seems to be a habit for them (click, read, ignore, and often: forget). I find that incredibly rude and at that point it isn't about life getting in the way anymore. Just don't click on the message and you still have the notification so you won't forget, you won't have to read it twice, nobody gets mad at you or wonders why you aren't replying - everybody wins!
Silent Sally, my compassion to you. You do not have the onus to solve this problem. That said, it is the right thing to do. "Keeping the family together" is not the same as excusing bad behavior to appease people. If being called out pushes brother away, then he was never family anyway. If I were you, I would talk to my partner and say something like this: "Partner, enough is enough. I am not going let this woman and her daughter suffer marrying a cheater. I want us to do the right thing as a team. Following our moral compass is not betraying any dying wish. Brother got himself in this mess, and if he can't take being called out, then he's the one who didn't keep the family together. Also, family is family that acts like family. They don't put other members or anyone in such awful positions. I am going to give brother a chance to come clean, and I want you with me in that conversation. But regardless of what you do or what he does, someone is telling the fiance. I will do it if need be. This cannot go on and I think you know that. Especially with a kid caught in the middle.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If it was only cheating and specifically once or twice he should get another chance but the way Sally wrote it, makes it seam like it occurs every time, alongside manipulating and also with the keeping everyone silent and with a child in the middle. I'm a single mom myself and not sure if I'd belive you if I was in in love and blinded by it but I sure would be thankful for someone to warn me. Please consider having some proof when telling her!
I green flag being left on read. There are many messages that doesn't need replies. I also have friends who might not have the energy to have a convo with me, but would still appreciate me texting them. Me seeing that my friend has read my message soothes my worry for my friend too. Like, maybe they've stopped replying to my texts, but at least they're looking at them, so I know they are alive & well enough to pick up their phone, even if not feeling well enough to interact.
I can’t green or red flag it as a whole because it is so context-dependent. Like, there’s a difference between - I’m using extreme examples to illustrate my point - sending someone a picture of a burnt loaf of bread they made while baking and asking to have a serious conversation about something (like setting boundaries and communicating your feelings and needs). Leaving the funny picture on-read is a neutral act, which is neither good nor bad, while leaving the invitation for a serious conversation is a red flag since that is actively ignoring something serious for someone else. This of course depends on what your relationship with the person is. Not every relationship has or should have these deep, serious conversations, but the ones that do have more of an obligation to answer. They maybe don’t need to answer _immediately,_ but at least acknowledge it by replying with a thumbs up or “Sorry, I’m busy, let’s discuss this later.”
I green flag it too, but with the caveat that if it becomes a habit the person doing it needs to put some work in to make sure it doesn't come off the wrong way. My best friend for example leaves me on read all the time, but she's given me a couple of very acceptable reasons for doing so, and occasionally she'll then go through a bunch of messages at once and reply to all of them. She's also the one more likely to call me, whereas I'm the type to just share funny posts or rant about something that doesn't really need any kind of a reply. Sure, she could just mark it read with an emoji or something, but it doesn't really give anything more than leaving it on read does. If it's important I know she'll get back to me asap, even if it's not immediately after reading my message. So once again communication is the key, and more important than the behaviour itself.
One thing about the first story that I haven't seen anyone pick up on is the negative view of singleness. Granted, it's not the main point of the story, but saying, "You're xyz, and that's why you're single" assumes that being single is inherently bad and there must be a reason for it (or someone/something to blame). As a long-term single person in her forties I tend to be very aware of the negative messages society sends us about our lives, and I find it important to counter those messages. (Also, if that thinking were true, only amazing people would ever be in romantic relationships 🤷🏻♀️) Of course, both Ian and OP sound like fairly unpleasant people, but please let's stop disparaging singleness by default.
To silent Sally, when I was in my early twenties I was with a guy whose close friend was a terrible cheat. It was very similar to this, normally the girlfriends didn't last long, but then he got a lovely long term girlfriend. And shortly after that I found out that he had a second serious girlfriend too. My boyfriend at the time told me not to say anything and indicated he'd be really mad at me/potentially end it if I did. I stayed silent too. To this day, it's one of my biggest regrets. I was so afraid of losing my boyfriend and didn't have enough lived experience to realise that him letting those two lovely girls be treated that way was a sign that he himself was not a good person. That guy (surprise, surprise) ended up breaking up with me after cheating on me. If I could turn back time, I would have told them both the truth and then broken up with my boyfriend. Not saying your partner is as bad as my ex. After all, there's more factors at play. I'm just saying, don't let it be a regret.
Sally please tell the fiancee, if her and her daughter have already been through trauma they don’t need this. Your partner should be supporting you but if he isn’t do you want to be in a family like this. A dead woman’s wishes aren’t more important than the living. Staying silent when it was just short term flings was one thing but this is different. Good luck to you ❤
To be fair, if a drunk person can use his alcoholism as a reason, being hurt by friends about your insecurities can also put you in a wrong state of mind and be a reason for lashing out.
Honestly more so. I'm not saying people can't drink... but if someone knows their reaction to drinking is bullying or talking down on others... they need to be ready for the person being talked down to, to fight back.
26:03 Giving grace because I understand what Shaaba meant, but just a friendly reminder that OP being American does not automatically mean they're white. Still love the video, I get such a kick out of watching y'all read and discuss these lol 🙂💖
True. At the same time, the cultural aspect can still apply. It may be the political climate, but specifying American without ethnicity implies "white" to me. Ymmv.
@@gilesluver generally I agree. Most American PoC tend to state their heritage in contexts where cultural differences are being discussed, even with other countries in play. But that's not universal. More than anything I just wanted to bring Shaaba's attention to the fact that she was making an assumption.
Yes however still lies the problem of different cultural outlooks on how money and responsibility with family should work out ( also Cuban isn't a race either we don't know if this man is white black mestizo Asian or indigenous Cuban)
For the last story, I think OP's partner continuing to stay silent would be going against the mother's dying wish. She wants the family to stay together, and watching the brother's toxic behavior continue will only build resentment until they eventually snap and cut him out entirely. Telling someone to get their sh*t together is an act of love because you want that person to better themselves. If he's not willing to give up his destructive ways, then he's the one destroying the family connection, not OP/their partner
Sally and her partner have put a lot of energy into trying to get brother in law to improve his behavior. At this late stage i think a conversation with the fiance may be the only way. And if Sally's partner is unwilling, her own relationship may be on the line.
One of the other Reddit shows I watch is Smosh and Shayne says that some of the stories he might not call the OP the "drama" for the action, but they are the "drama" for how they wrote it. 1st OP is definitely the drama for how he wrote, though I think ESH. I actually feel that the idea that being short is a common joke doesn't excuse it at all. I think being hurt and attacking the wrong thing is actually more justifiable than being drunk. I think the idea he is the bigger drama is born entirely from the air of his post than the actions. I get that, but acting like attacking the body over job isn't as bad bothers me. There are a lot of factors to job, but you can change it at the end of the day. You can't change your height.
i think you're very right. he sounds like a douchebag from the tone of his post, but i think who was drinking doesnt have much bearing on who is the drama
I'm really skeptical about the story altogether. Americans haven't be able to freely travel to Cuba since 1963, aside from a brief point called the Cuban Thaw (2015--2017). Furthermore, sending money to a Cuban national would be a difficult, but not impossible, process. The details of the story just seem implausible. Edit: It seems as though I was mistaken about the status of travel to Cuba from the United States. While "tourist activities are prohibited by statute" there are 12 or 13 legally recognized reasons for travel. One of those is family visits. I apologize for error. I would include links to the relevant information I found but TH-cam doesn't like that.
@themadmanchannel9036 Interesting. I knew there had been issues with travel but idk much about it. Also with the money, can they not use apps to send money? Or are they not available in Cuba?
The life insurance story. They could also do two different policies. One for her and the kids, they each pay half. One for his mom, he pays for it. And she should have life insurance on herself too.
It's giving me weird vibes that they're splitting the payment but then the payout is also split down the middle. Surely they'd do like 3/4, 1/4 or something where each partner gets to decide how they'd like the money they're putting into it to be split (wife wants a full 1/2 to go to their family, while husband wants it split 1/4 to family and 1/4 to mom).
@@solsystem1342 Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I thought when people got married they thought of the household income as "their" money, and made decisions about it together. There are a lot of shared expenses in a marriage, and I don't know how many couples maintain completely separate finances.
@@alex_blue5802I know a lot of couples (including mine) who have both shared and separate accounts. Of course I do not know the finances of all my friends, but most I know about either have both shared and individual accounts, or fully separate and an arrangement on who pays for what to make it fair. The idea that all money is shared works for some people but not for others. It works for my partner and me to have most of our income go into the shared account but also have some personal money we can do as we please with, including treating the other every now and then.
I think that might be a good solution if they cannot come to an agreement. However if the husband already feels like OP doesn’t want to help his family, such an arrangement could highlight that feeling and cause resentment too.
I’ve heard the term “short king” used primarily to validate trans men/ masc folks! I hope this helps alleviate some of the negative connotation with it/ further contextualize why it’s usually used positively :) Love the pod/ vod!
crying in the club for sally. when it comes to dilemmas like this though i always always fall back on "is this something that i will regret?" i am autistic, so acting morally is something i physically and mentally MUST do, but that doesn't mean i don't struggle to see what the moral choice is. to sally, i think the reason you posted this is because you know the answer and need some affirmation/support. you know what the right answer is love. how do you believe the (hopefully soon to be ex) fiancé and her daughter will feel knowing they are being looked out for even if it isn't who should ideally be doing so? you got this babes. and honestly your partner is kind of icky for allowing his brother to implode a woman's and her daughter's lives, idrc what mom wanted. mom isn't gonna save your soul or your mind from the regret.
I'm a 5'1 trans guy and I've never called myself a short king but the term has def made me feel better about my height especially now that I personally know a cis guy who is my age and the same height. Also I make many jokes about my height with my close friends that sound really mean from a third person pov.
For the life insurance one, I want to point out that life insurance payouts are subject to inheritance tax in the US, so depending on the state they live in, $1.5mil could easily become $1.2mil or less. A lot of regular family homes with like 4 beds/3 bath are easily $1mil if you live on either coast in a city. The most important thing you want to do with a life insurance payout is 1. Pay for medical expenses associated with the death, 2. Pay for the funeral, and 3. Pay off all debts, especially the house, to the point where bills are manageable for the survivor. If they live in New York, California, Washington, etc., I could easily see $1.2mil disappearing and maybe not even being enough to pay for the death, the funeral, and the house. There might not be anything leftover for a college fund for the kid or any future kids. I know $3mil sounds like a lot, but cost of living is absolutely ludicrous in the US, and that might not be that much depending on their debts and whether or not they already have a college fund set up for the kid. I can see why OP might be worried that only having half of it (less than half after tax) might leave her in a bad position if something happens to her husband.
Exactly. $3 million sounds like a lot but when you break it down, it's not going to go far. I just went through this two times in less than 4 years and the life insurance policies sounded big but by the time we paid taxes and burial and left over debts, there was nothing left.
Dying wishes are usually so incredibly selfish. I get why people do it, but the pain you can cause people down the line if your wish isn't something they can or want to fulfill alone is horrible. Unless it's something like "make sure my child is taken care of", I think none of us should utter a dying wish.
I love the fact that the first "short king" that comes to Shaaba's mind is Joffrey, but for me it was Lord Farquaad (even though he's technically not a king, but he is a ruler) 😆
Just as a comment on the topic of the first story - I think close friends often get to a point amongst each other where they make harsh jokes because it's a way of reinforcing your intimacy and trust in each other, ironically! If you trust that someone does care about you and really does actually think the world of you, then they can say something that would sting coming from anyone else but that you know, without hesitation, they don't mean seriously or intend to hurt you. It's kind of like flirting in a way, it relies on a lot of unspoken things and context and it CAN be easy to get it wrong sometimes, but I think that's where the impulse comes from. It's a way of being like "I know you and your vulnerabilities so well that I can 'play fight' with you without actually hurting you." A really good friend who has been with you through good times and bad, and seen you at your best and your worst, knows the worst things about you and still loves you. And joking about those things is a lighthearted way of saying "I see you, even the things you hide and are ashamed of, and it doesn't matter because you're my friend and I adore you." But you have to believe your friend really does love you for that to work. That's why sometimes it goes very poorly if someone tries to jump into a preexisting friend group and make those kinds of jokes without really getting acquainted with people first; that trust isn't there, and the trust is a key element in making the "joke" actually funny. And even very close friends can get it wrong sometimes, and punch too hard without meaning to! But if you have a good friendship, as you mentioned, you can say "hey, that actually didn't feel great, can we not joke about that?" and a good friend will of course respect that and want to help you have a good time. I think what made the difference here is that the OP has some genuine resentment toward his friend that has up to this point gone unaddressed, and has, perhaps unknown to both himself and his friend, damaged their intimacy as friends. That trust isn't there. So it wasn't a "play hit" to him, it was just a hit, and he hit back. Which is not to say I think his friend is more at fault because I don't, OP's resentment is really really his problem. But that's where I think the different interpretations come into play.
The first one, there is a very famous saying that there is truth in wine. That people have lowered inhibitons and are more likely to say the truth. Also 'jokes' are often used to say the truth too. I would agree with ESH. I would say Ian is more of an AH here. Also the jokes, they couk have all been joking about OP's heights
I have to say on that last one, I think there is an option that doesn't blow up the family or at least has less risks of it and still tells the fiance what's up. It's possible to tell people things anonymously. And especially if it's at all possible to reach out to his ex's, asking them if you could forward their contact to the fiance so she can ask questions from people who've been where she was. It would also give a plausible reason someone reached out the the fiance that isn't necessarily the OP. It could be any of his exs or even someone else.
There's no point in going to the brother at this point in time. He's been a serial cheater for years regardless how op and the family have tried to get him to change. There would be no point in addressing it yet again. Tell the fiancee. She needs to know. I don't care who tells her but you can't trust the brother to tell her because it would be way easier to tell OP "ok i did it" but he never really did and won't until it's too late for his fiancee to leave without many strings and even more heartbreak. If everyone else says "don't tell her", then OP HAS to. It isn't fair for everyone to know this and not tell her. Can you imagine being in the fiancee's place?? Literally your shiny new husband has been cheating on everyone he's been with for years, his entire family knew, and not one person told you? Even if she wanted to stay despite the cheating (something i personally can't imagine doing, that's too big a betrayal), finding out everyone else knew and didn't tell her would be devastating.
On the life insurance policy story, talking about 'the principle(s)': while the husband is concerned about his family of origin because they've probably sacrificed a lot for him and would struggle even more without him (as a fellow Latin American, I can *totally* relate), the wife's reaction is also understandable when we consider she's covering half the cost of the insurance and would therefore only be getting 'her own half', so to speak, if he left the 1.5 million ('his own half') to his mother. The most objectively fair scenario, as I see it, would then be for the wife and child/ren to be left (at least) 75% (the wife's half + half of the husband's) and the mother, (around) 25%. They're both equally frustrated and resenting each other - the husband for imagining his wife couldn't care less about his mother/sister/etc., and the wife (even though she doesn't seem to have noticed this yet) because his suggestion technically (since the cost of the policy has been equally split between both partners) means that she'd be making sure the family they've built together is taken care of while he'd just be looking after his mother/etc. What a convoluted comment, I apologise. It makes more sense in my head. 😅
What you are saying makes total sense and is so true. If the wife is expected to pay half and only getting half, the husband is basically giving his share fully to his mother and family of birth. The 75-25 splits is the way if should be. Also, OP only has the one husband but the mother likely has more than one child who can support her. Even if the husband makes significantly more money than the rest of his siblings (we know he has at least a sister, not sure if more), in the case of his death the mother wouldn’t loose all her support network (not just financially but also generally helping her with doing things, being around, etc). However if the husband dies OP looses her main life partner, the person who is raising children with her, the person who was jointly paying for living costs, etc. I don’t want to say that loosing a husband is worse than loosing a son, but it is different and also means different things in terms of lose of support network and impact on one’s life.
@@s.a.4358 She does, the mother is living with OP's husband's sister and apparently the other family members have businesses and are doing okay for themselves, so doing a 50/50 split when the mother is already reasonably stable living with one of her other children seems a bit odd to me. The husband could also leave money to her in his will without it needing to be related to Life Insurance which I would assume would be to make sure OP and their child(ren) aren't fucked over by the loss of their second income, particularly if his mother will be less financially impacted and would be gaining extra money rather than compensating for the loss of it.
I’m 5’5”, my husband is 5’2”. I have dated across the height spectrum. It’s neither here nor there for me. It’s more about how a person acts, their character, how they put themselves together.
The life insurance one is so weird to me. Because the mom might predecease the son. This might never be an issue. So why is OP making it an issue? It makes the son feel good to know that his mom is taken care of. What if he passes with the mom still alive, leaves the $ solely to the wife who later has a falling out with the mom & stops giving her the “allowance” she told him that she would give. I do think that he needs to pay out for it out of his own $ if they can’t come to an agreement about it.
My one of my partners is like mid 5 range and the other is well over 6ft. Let me just say officially I couldn't care less. I'm much more interested in how good their hyperfixation ramble game is or how well their interests overlap with mine.
@@melodycuthbert4840 Because it's husband trying to decide for himself. Basically, OP is paying half the policy but her husband is pretending like he has full control over where the money goes. It should be a joint discussion about how much money they even need to set aside. Much less how it's split
I learned this from Roly, and I think he's right. We normally try to put ourselves in the best light possible, so I feel like if Ian was being an ahole to OP, OP would have said it right off the bat. The amount of missing information makes me believe that the missing context would make OP look bad. In the end i agree with y'all that ESH but more so OP.
"it's not crazy" GIRL the economy in latam is in SHAMBLES, i can't treat myself to a single pack of pokemon cards because the cost of that is the same of a meal!!! she's got no idea how it actually is here
It does sound like Sally's family has tried talking to BIL and now he's distancing himself/isolating from the family (either because he doesn't want to hear/face the truth of his actions, doesn't want to be judged anymore, or doesn't want to be caught in his lies/cheating). Continuing those types of conversations/interventions with people who don't want to hear it or take accountability for their actions/manipulation/lies leads to a distancing of/from them so they can continue their lifestyle choices without judgment from the people who know them best (even when those conversations are coming from a place of love/encouragement to do better/etc). I would not be able to stay silent as an in-law/by-stander when there was an imminent marriage and no positive change has been witnessed from the perpetrator. People can change. But they have to want to. If he hasn't changed and is about to be a manipulative/cheating/lying partner to his fiance, I would speak up (even if done privately so the fiance could be informed/have certain behaviors on her radar) so she can make informed life decisions for herself and her daughter.
I got the impression that BIL was trying to isolate the girlfriends from OP and his brother more than from him. ie: So they wouldn't have a chance to mess with his game plan.
I can understand the fear and frustration of having to go against a sibling or sibling in law in instances of them being a terrible person. My younger brother is a rather shitty person of his own accord, and I have basically been shunted into silence out of the fact that any time I try to say something, the family has actively either blamed me for ruffling feathers or (in the case of my step father) am “expecting too much of him”. He’s turning 18 this year and he as a human being is very much not ready to be out in the real world - he’s either going to get a huge slice of humble pie served to him and he’s going to figure his shit out, or he’s going to make it everyone else’s problem, and I unfortunately think it’s going to be the latter. So, my sister and I have instead made a pact: any person he dates, no matter who it is, we’ll take their side. We’ll make sure they know that they are supported and can come to us. And I will hold that standard no matter what it takes. Even if I’m being told at all sides I should stay silent, that I shouldn’t ruffle feathers, that I should stay in my place, it’s only right for me to do what I can to keep that other person safe and make sure they know they have someone in their corner.
On the insurance one, totally agree that more conversation is needed. Not just now, but they need to revisit this on a regular basis over the years. There will be things that come up over the years that move the dial… and what is right/fair now will evolve and policies and/or wills should be updated accordingly as circumstances change
So, I have Cuban-American family members and regarding the second one I had some thoughts before I realized husband's family no longer lived there. It is VERY common for people with family still in Cuba to try to bring them dollars and basic essentials because the economy there is really messed up after more than 60 years of sanctions by the US combined with decisions made by the local government. It can be difficult to buy a lot of products in Cuba using the local currency which you CAN get if you have dollars. On top of that are issues of restrictions on political expression etc. So especially if family still lived there, I could see why husband would be especially concerned to make sure they were looked after...though I suspect transferring US insurance money to Cuba might be a problem given the poor relations between the countries! Given that they now live in "Latin America" (Cuba is also part of Latin America, BTW, which is why that was confusing. I suspect OP means SOUTH America?) that may be less of an issue...but is still something that ought to be researched!
That's the same thing I though. They are no longer in Cuba and seem to be doing well in whatever other country they are at. The Mom just seems to want to move to the US and it's fine to sponsor her for that but there doesn't seem to be a need to take care of the whole extended family. It sounds like the parents are no longer together, so it seems a "make sure you take care of my mom" clause would be what OP's husband needed to add
They could be in Central America as well, or even Mexico. It's such a huge region. What it means to be middle class means such different things depending on what country they are in.
Silent Sally: BIL is ISOLATING his fiancee from any potential help or information. Serial cheater is marrying an older woman with a teenaged daughter (ick) after 6 months. Husband won't do anything because of toxic last wish, giving bil carte blanche to act this way (was mil permissive with bil?). Is fiancee well-off or will she be dependent? YTD for *letting an in-law* (as she will become) get into this situation.
46:45 She actually didn't compare life between the United States and Cuba. She said that he is Cuban and his family lives in Latin America, and that life in Latin America was not very different from life in the US. This is a weird generalizing statement because Latin America isn't, like, a singular country with a singular culture and economy, but she absolutely did not comment on life in Cuba.
with the first story: reading that the other people seemingly exploded on OP, which they didn't do on the tall friend, just tells me that there was a lot of more truth to what he said than one gives him credit reading the really bitter first sentences. So for me, while everybody sucks here, Ian is the one "sucking" more.
In the first one I think the fact that OP is single is what makes the comment from Ian worse. Ian pointed out a real insecurity and made fun of how that's actually affecting OP's life, whereas OP commented on how Ian's job would make him less desirable (something that Ian probably doesn't struggle with, since he does have a girlfriend). I still think everyone sucks here, but I think I empathize with OP a bit more
27:28 but they have a baby, so if nothing else it should be a 70/30 split. Not a 50/50. The $3 million is how much the wife would get in case of his death, not how much he's paying for the policy.
The short one says he's 5"4 or 5"5, but as a female that's 5"2 that's a great height to me. Honestly feel like men put more of an issue on the height thing than majority of women actually caring about it
About the last story, I don't think enough people realize how toxic that family environment is. MIL is a GIGANTIC red flag, and it seems like her emotional abuse continues to hold her family even after her death. I've seen people like her, one of my grandmothers was like that, I don't think enough people recognize just how much emotional (at least) abuse was going on in that family. When children grow up in an abusive family, they'll usually become either abusers themselves, like BIL; victims, like Sally's partner seems to be; or rebels, which there is not in the story, so the role of the rebel is sort of being forced onto Sally. But I think as she is just an in-law to that family, it is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY to solve any conflicts. Especially since it's clear that her partner does not see the outside perspective on this (something most victims of abuse can't see), and thus he disagrees with her, so any attempt at stopping BIL from Sally could potentially cause a strain or conflict in her relationship with her partner.
For the second post, at 26:04, although most people will assume someone is white when they say they are American, it is not necessarily always the case. American should not be synonymous for white since so many different people are born in the US and grow up with American culture
With the insurance story, I kind of feel it's a cultural thing a well. Not only they way he wants to divide it, but also his reluctance to have her imput on what happens with what he considers his money from his life. I'm Latin American and have experienced the pressure of helping family and also the way Latin American men tend to be very stubborn on their decisions (specially when a woman is the one that makes them feel questioned). They are not on the same page to have a conversation and that's a huge problem. If they could actually talk, they would understand where the other is coming from.
I disagree about the "short king" post. I do not understand why you guys chose to view the Ian guy with a more sympathetic lens than you viewed OP. OP sounds like he has issues, but it's NEVER okay to bully people about an insecurity just because it's a joke. They both suck equally. If anything, knowing what we know from this post alone, Ian seems to suck more since he offended OP first. Also, I'm not going to sit and judge other people's dynamics but I always feel uncomfortable when people insult and bully each other within friendship groups in the name of "jokes". I always find that those relationships tend to be in some ways strained and, most of the time, some people end up being the butt of mean jokes more than others.
I see your point about Ian sucking more because he was the first to say something offensive. We can judge OP on the things he wrote about Ian’s job and himself making more money, but there is a different between being judgemental by ourselves and saying it to the person’s face. I do think we can all be judgemental at times, but it should remain an inside thought and not be used to hurt other. Ultimately they both suck though. I don’t even think it’s worth trying to figure out who sucks more because they both didn’t behave well. I hate the “it was just a joke” argument when someone feels hurt, especially when friends should be supportive of each other and not pray on each other’s insecurities. They are both not being friends to each other.
Yeah but, we can't see inside the other person's head. They might have genuinely messed up a "joke" while they were drunk. Or they might have an internal monologue like OP and think that they're better than everyone else. We can't tell for that person but we definently can for op
@@solsystem1342 I completely disagree with you there. As someone who isn't a teetotaler and does drink socially, it is NEVER acceptable to make a joke that pokes at someone's insecurities. Making a joke about someone's appearance is never okay, just like it isn't okay to joke about someone's financial situation. If the guy had commented on his weight rather than height (which, weight CAN change), people would be more understanding. Everyone in this situation really sucks, which is why I was genuinely surprised by the the sympathetic view Shaaba in particular was taking towards Ian.
100% disagree. To me, it’s the person who matches or one up’s the original comment that is ultimately worse. In that moment, of full mind and body, OP had the chance to be the bigger person. Instead of bringing this up in a conversation, they just attack Ian back. Plus, we have full insight into OP’s mindset. OP does truly think that service workers are lower than them. We have no idea what the group dynamic is of the friend group and there is no way of knowing from OP if they were a joking group or if Ian really meant it. We do know how OP feels. Also, please don’t project your feelings of “insulting” within friend groups. Those are your feelings. It’s okay to not prefer to be in that dynamic, but if it works for certain people, it works for them. Shaaba and Jamie testified it works for them. I personally wouldn’t want to be in that dynamic either, but those are my feelings. It sounds like a shitty situation over all, but OP sounds self-righteous, insecure, bigoted, demeaning, and gives off incel vibes. We can tell this from their words. I don’t trust OP, and therefore can’t trust that they would give an accurate telling of the situation. Definitely agree with you on the whole “don’t make fun of people’s appearances” though with a minor caveat that being mean about weight isn’t good either. Being overweight or underweight aren’t ugly things and therefore should not be joked about. Yes, they are health risks, but most people aren’t joking about the health risks and just point out how “disgusting” it is.
@@XSkittles90210 I do not agree with you at all that the onus falls on the person offended to be the "bigger person" in order to not be the bigger asshole. If someone said something offensive to me and I said something offensive to them in response, it makes us both assholes but from just that bit of information, my offensive behavior was reactive while the other party was offending without provocation. Of course It's never okay to say unfair, hurtful things just because they were said to you but it does not make you a worse person than the original offender. I see your point about OP not being a trustworthy narrator. I do, however, also need to note that OP did come to a forum to seek outside perspectives which suggests at least a moticum of self-awareness. Also, you think that Shaaba and Jamie testifying that insulting "jokes" work for their friend group 100% proves that it works for everyone within their friend group?? That is placing way too much trust in a parasocial relationship. I was not projecting my feelings, I was noting them. From my life experiences, which is what I will base my feelings on, I will always be skeptical of friendship dynamics where bullying and insulting as a "joke" is normal. I've seen time and time again that more often than not there is always someone in the group who ends up being the butt of the joke. Just because Shaaba and Jamie have a social media presence they are not above the "regular" people I know.
The thing with culture and traditions is that, yes it’s expected but it’s still up to _him_ to think of his immediate family as well. Also, OP communicated her feelings and he told her what was happening.
For the last story: forcing bil to be honest with his fiance is not going to go against the moms dying wish. Her wish was for him to keep the family together. Bil is bringing his fiance into the family by marrying her, so as part of the family, she deserves honesty and protection from the rest of the family. Keeping the family together does not include keeping secrets that will tear the family apart down the line.
This becomes my favourite podcast more and every episode that comes out love hearing both of your views on things. Also would just like to say both Shaba and Jamie are glowing this episode 😊
I have to say that a 3.5 million dollar policy is not a huge policy to cover at least 5 people. As commenters on the original post mentioned, you have to cover lost of salary for several years.
I'm really grateful Shaaba and Jamie were reading the life insurance story. I think it's important to have someone with experience of both western and non western culture to explain where the bias traps fall. I came to pretty much the same conclusion as Jamie and having the added clarity of Shaaba's understanding of non-white cultures helps me keep my mind open. Partners need to respect one another's culture, and need to talk out the differences before committing to long term realtionships. But once you commit, in my mind, you stop fully living in your culture, and need to adapt to the integration of your and all your partners perspectives.
I agree, they BOTH need to adapt. It is also not fair to call OP selfish for not being equally willing to support the husband’s mother and family back in Cuba. It is not her culture to do so and, while I do think once married there is a responsibility for the in-laws too (I believe if you marry someone you also marry into the family, becoming part of it), OP shouldn’t be the only one who needs to adapt. Having been in the situation of OP (although not married) there can be a lot of pressure, sometimes even entitlement, from the extended families and even the partner. I completely understand that the husband wants to help his mother and family in Cuba, however his first responsibility is to work as a team with the wife he chose to marry and build a life with, making sure they are agreeing and making decisions together.
Yes! Screw "keeping the family together" when I can save someone a lot of hurt. They deserve to make an informed decision and if no one else is going to say anything, I sure will. But I'm not close to my family and in general more of a "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb"-kinda person. Meaning, I value formed bonds more than arbitrary ties through blood relations. (Of course you can form those bonds with relatives as well, but shared genetic material shouldn't be THE reason why you care about them.) So I don't have any problems causing a rift in the family.
Or, invite her around for a coffee, casually talk about partners, and lovingly bring up quirks that OPs own partner has, asking if she has noticed any from B-I-L, be the friend she needs, you don't have to confront her but being there for her and finding out if she's aware of any problems B-I-L has, letting her know you have her back and a shoulder to cry on if she ever needs it first can be greatly significant to her. Especially if she's already had a lot of recent trauma, having a friend can make a huge difference.
For the Sally story. I think the big issue is that you are effectively lying on bils behalf by just agreeing with whatever the partner says and that's what's probably waying on you. And so I think a discussion about how you will no longer lie on his behalf and if his partner asks about something that's clearly a lie told to hide something you will correct them and no longer just to along with the lie plain and simple. And if you are truly worried maybe see if there's a way to anonymously contact the fiance and let her know. If you do go that route just make sure you are not being too all knowing in the message and maybe pretend to be an ex or one of his current side pieces who feels guilty after seeing the announcement or something like that.
I’m a titch confused about the insurance policy story - there is an important distinction between a Life Insurance Policy and a Will. Caring for the MIL should be incorporated into hubby’s will and not an aspect of his life insurance policy. Even if the bulk of his assists after death come from this life insurance they are not the sum total of his worldly wealth (which would also include his debts). Also, the Life insurance money would become the MILs money and therefore after her death whatever is left over when she passes away would not return to OP and her children, it would be divided between whomever the MIL determines in her will (which could be the extended family, a charity, or even her cats). Outlining how mum should be cared for, should be stipulated in Husband’s will (which most lawyers suggest you do at the time of purchasing life insurance), and it therefore becomes the wife’s responsibility to adhere to the will.
I definitely agree. Life insurance is about helping with lasting debt that you currently or will contribute to. This may include mortgage payments, your student loan debt (which in the US it can be huge), your children's future student loans, car payments, etc. Unless he's paying debts for his mother than she shouldn't be considered for Life Insurance. She should be considered in the will, like you stated.
Agreed and excellent point about any debt also being inherited. OP could be in a position to maybe get 1.5m from the life insurance but also find out her husband has 1m of debts she didn’t know about. So in the current scenario the mother would get 1.5m but OP end up with 0.5m after debt. Even if it is not secret debts, maybe they have a large mortgage or other joint debts (medical, studies, etc) that the wife is not able to pay alone on her salary. There must be a reason they are getting a life insurance policy for 3m in the first place.
To the first story: I'm a short guy, I'm only 5,3 (I'm a transguy, so that's basically the reason). Despite being trans and short af, I NEVER had problems finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with me. I had many girlfriends, one even being a model. I hate it, when men tell other men, they are "too small" for women to like them. Smaller guys are just as liked as tall ones. In the end it's the personality that counts. Stories like that make me very angry, not because I think that OP was wronged, but because height shouldn't be an issue in general, and I don't get it, why people bully people that are small, or why short people feel less, because they are small. It's such a dumb discussion and jokes about it are just not funny, if you as me. OP getting frustrated at such a personal insult is understandable, but reacting like he did is not fine. If he doesn't like "idiots" (sorry for using an insult, but I really dont like people that joke about insecurities like that) who need to degrade themselfs to a level, where they joke about things like height, then maybe he has the wrong friend group and should just find friends who don't need to resort to jokes like that to have a fun time. (I wouldn't want to have friends like that aswell) But blowing up and being mean won't help. I mean, he can stand up for him, but being spiteful is not helping at all...
The last story: there is a rule of thumb for what should be said. Any statement needs to have 2 of these three requirements to be said. It needs to be true, necessary, or kind. Sally needs to say something because it is true and necessary. The mother's dying wish is putting a pressure of kindness first and that allows one brother to walk over the other.
story 1: tbh both OP and ian come across so shitty that they should date each other so as to spare the rest of the world, including ian's gf, from their shittiness
An additional thing that bugs me about the life insurance policy that got mentioned very briefly at the end is it being a 'this is what I'm doing' versus a conversation about how quantities are reasonably split to support the different number of people. I think some amount of funds to the husbands mom would make sense in the context, but it feels unfair to meet to give his mother the same amount as currently the 2 family members (wife and kid) plus potentially more children in the future. I saw other people talk about wills which make a lot of sense for helping work this through, especially because from my understanding its easier to change them in the future.
For the second story, i would have said NAH except for the fact the husband is being a jerk to the wife, because he hasn't properly communicated to her and called her selfish and mean. This is a solid NTA for me, the husband sort of sucks, but the in laws seem sweet but just not in a good financial situation. Also I agree with your opinion Shaaba, i just think that the husband shouldn't have called her selfish which made him a bit of a jerk. I can see the way he was thinking about splitting it for cultural reasons and for his family (I'm also from a south asian family :)), but name calling wasn't okay.
For the first story, I might argue that it is worse to make fun of something that cannot be changed (height) than something that can be changed (income). For the second one, NTA. I think a more equitable insurance policy would be a quarter to his mom, a quarter to her mom, and half to the wife and kids. Especially if they are splitting the cost of the policy.
For the first story, I agree with the ESH badge. For me, the friend sucks more for starting the issue for picking on OPs height. My opinion is even more compounded by the fact that the friend made a joke about something OP can't change whereas the friend could try for a higher paying job, if they wanted.
Why are you both so sure $3 million is a lot for a life insurance policy? If it's to replace lost earnings, and a pilot would expect to earn that amount over 30 years, it's just about right.
The life insurance policy one upsets me quite a lot because I come from the angle of being the person who's dad died when i was very young (though we didn't have a life insurance policy we could rely on), he has NO CLUE what could happen if he were to die young. I can only speak from my experience but my experience was growing up in America (as an only child), my dad died and my mom found out she lost her job at his funeral and couldn't get any work and we ended up loosing our house and spending quite a few nights with no food. We even had to use up all the money they'd saved up to send me to college. $3 million would've saved us from that. It wouldn't have necessarily fixed all of our problems, but it would've kept us stable for the like 8 years my mom went unable to get a job.
Thank you, Shaaba! And Jamie, too, of course. What an episode. I absolutely loved it. I feel we can all learn so much from it. Probably my favourite so far. So far. :)
i make a point to always respond to people asap/never leave someone on read bc i absolutely HATE when people do that to me. like it's not necessarily a red flag bc it depends on the context, but generally i have a very hard time feeling motivated to stay in contact with people who consistently leave me on read for days at a time. like.... i consider it kinda rude bc if someone messages me that i like/enjoy talking to I always make sure to respond to them/i don't open the message until I'm ready to respond. and it feels like to me, if people are just leaving me on read a lot then they can't really want to talk to me.
I feel the same, completely understand not being able to respond for a few hours or a day, but a lot of people have left me on read for multiple days at a time whilst still posting things online/not being super busy, and I just feel like they're ignoring me or that I'm not important enough to be memorable, or that they don't enjoy talking with me if replying is such a chore 😢 I know I probably assume the worst, but it's better than thinking people like you when they actually don't
@@RowanArk omg literally, its the worst when people are posting but not answering you. like if people have time to post then they have time to answer a message, especially if its from someone they care about. it really does just feel like they dont care about me when they do that
The thing about insurance policies is if the person is not listed as a beneficiary, they are not entitled to anything. There is no guarantee that OP’s spouse will continue to help mom and legally speaking she doesn’t have to. If you list your spouse as beneficiary with the intention that the spouse will divide it amongst your children for example, that spouse has no legal obligation to do so, it is their money and what they do with it is their prerogative. The only way to ensure that mom gets anything is to put her name on there. I say this as someone who works in insurance and has done legal work, if it is not in black and white there is no guarantee of anything. Because in the long run even if spouse and mom do get along, is OP really going to support her late husband’s mother for the rest of her life? What if OP remarries? What if something happens to OP and that money then gets split between another spouse with 0 ties to MIL and a child that can’t access it? You have to kinda think long term when you’re doing planning like this and remember that this is all the input you will have on what happens when you’re gone.
However much I loved and trusted my partner, I'd also be inclined to make sure things are 'set in stone' in this situation. And I wouldn't take offence if my partner did the same. (Percentages are another story, though, of course - especially when both partners are covering the cost of the policy, I believe).
@@brunahamabata1 yeah I don’t disagree that they need to sit down and talk about actual numbers I just also personally wouldn’t tell my partner not to give their mother anything or assume that there are no circumstances in which I might decide sending their family money isn’t going to happen anymore.
My best friend and I tease each other relentlessly but the difference is that we have established boundaries on what is ok to tease about and what isn't. There are things she can say to me that no one else can and vice versa. It's all about the relationship and rapport we have developed over the last 7 ish years. We one of us has inevitably crossed the line, we stop and address what the issue was and where the hurt came from. If either of us were to continue pushing on that point, it would be disrespectful. Communication is key
I heard that the 'short king' only for guys, who are not insecure about their height, or being graceful about it instead of awful. And used by others, to validate them instead of mocking. There is also a term for the opposite situation, if I remember correctly. I know this wrong??
hello! i work in the life insurance industry. there are all kinds of different policies, payment types and plans, beneficiary plans, etc that can be tailored to fit their specific needs. they should absolutely speak w a life insurance professional before jumping to any decisions or conclusions. there is one catch tho- the fact the policy would be issued in the US, with a beneficary in Cuba, could be a problem. they would need to ensure there are no sanctions the us has on cuba at the moment (cuba and usa relations are hot-and-cold). additionally, there may be taxes on the beneficiary payout, depending if the policy generated interest, etc. lots of things to consider!!
The friends getting into a fight over mean words spoken while drunk. I have a different take on it. My badge is ESH, but not because of jealousy or alcohol or misunderstanding...at least not entirely. As a child of a toxic family who has also been hyper sensitive since my first memory, I see myself in OP. The lack of social grace, the over reaction to teasing, the not knowing how far is too far, the superficial things being held in high esteem while not understanding why others don't see it the same way. I would bet money on OP growing up with absentee or indifferent parents who valued money and things more than time with their child. This scars a kid and stunts their social development because the kid models what they see in their parents.
It’s not quite the same circumstance, but the whole conversation about the blind trust and support towards “the family unit” brings to mind one specific conversation I had with my mother at a teen. My cousin had just been arrested for embezzlement from his part time job after high school. He was to spend the night or more in jail, but his mother begged her dad to bail him out, and he did. This really rubbed me the wrong way because my cousin had been stealing from family members for years, and it was an open secret at that point, but he’d never been held accountable. I really thought at the time (and still do) that he needed to at least spend a night in jail if nothing else before being bailed out because he really felt no remorse. So when I heard the whole story, I said to my mom “if I ever do something bad enough to get arrested, I need you to leave me in jail, at least for the night. If I ever end up in that position, I want to be held accountable.” And this is where a lot of my dissatisfaction with the whole idea of “the family unit” comes into play. You can love someone unconditionally, or not, or whatever; but beyond that you need to give them the burden of responsibility for and realization of the fact that they’ve done something wrong. It’s a matter of respect for me. If you respect me, you will hold me accountable. *AND* if I’m not getting the point, I should have to face the consequences of my actions. Also, just in case anyone cares, my cousin has reflected as he got older and has cleaned himself up, as far as I’m aware.
1. I agree with Shaaba about OP being mean/arrogant from the start. The way he's phrasing their economic situation is coming across as justification for his opinion and remarks. It's giving it was bad of me to insult him, but it's true and my opinion is righteous instead of evaluating themselves and the norms that is influencing their view. And I agree with Jamie that Ian and OP had different intentions with their "jokes", and OP was out to hurt Ian. 2. "I am in favor of this, as we have a baby & he is pursuing a career as a pilot." I thought they where referring to the baby xD and was like is the baby just their child but almost adult, why did she call them a baby? Or is it still a baby and you've already planned their future career? I think the biggest drama is that both of them are approaching the conflict as a "me vs. you" problem instead of "us vs. the problem". OP admits she struggles to put down exactly why it feels off, but the husband isn't really giving her a good and resonable explanation of the cultural difference and that he acctually is expected, and wanting to support his mother just as he supports her. They need to discuss what they include in their immediate family and what their main obligations are. I disagree with so many of the comments in the thread arguing eachother over wich answer is right, but nobody is thinking about it as a neutral thing where you can make the decicion for yourself. As long as husband is being clear and honest that mum is one of his main resposibilities and at the same "level" as wife, then it's also clear as to why she should be included in the policy. He also says that mum is gonna share the money with the rest of his family. So a question could be, is their kids gonna be on the same level of responsibility as wife and mum? I think OP thinks the are, wich is why she then divided their share into three different parts while husband is thinking of it as she gets half of the money and will use it to support herself and her kids the way she needs, just as his mum is doing for his family with the other half.
3. I love discussions on ethical obligations! The conflict with your own moral principles - should I prioritize my personal obligations or the value I hold to the wellfare of each indivual being. Basically, who is worth more? Do I allow harm to someone else, to avoid harming a close person of mine, or do I casue harm to my close person to save someone from harm? Does the inequality in amount of harm make a difference?
Omg, this especially happens with my wife, I open her messages type out a reply and then don’t click send, and my wife just thinks that I am completely ignoring her, even though I responded, but I haven’t actually responded.
'Hoogmoed komt voor de val' is Dutch for 'pride comes before the fall' and I find it so interesting that it is a literal translation of the thing. Usually with sayings there are very different literal translations that have the same proverbial meaning.
Hi! For the insurance story, I just wanted to ask if there was confirmation that the wife was actually a white American as Shaaba assumed? Because, while I do understand that there will definitely still be cultural differences regardless, the US is a multicultural country, with many citizens being children or grandchildren of immigrants, or even immigrants themselves. So, while the cultural implications are still super important to consider, it’s also important to not generalise and perpetuate misconceptions of white Americans being the only possible option. To be American does not necessarily equate to being white. Anyway, you’re both doing great! 🥰✨
1st op has money and status issues, but friend also an a*hole. Being totally honest, I wouldn't date shorter than me (purely from my own insecurities because I am wider than most of the guys) but wouldn't date this one because of his views on service workers.
Silent Sally: Your Brother-in-Law's fiance is prospective family. Your partner's mother's dying wish was to keep the family together, not to cultivate and excuse abuse, which ultimately kills your family bond. It's now your partner's job AND your Brother-in-Law's job to hold each other accountable and prevent abuse within your family. PROTECT each other from your antics. The fiance and her daughter deserve to know what they are getting into and your partner should back you up in confronting first the Brother-in-Law, then in informing the fiance and her daughter.
Re leaving texts on read: I think that having instant messaging available all the time has really seemed to create the idea that responding quickly is better. This seems to be in both personal and work life (and particularly seems to encourage not giving people time away from work). It's almost like because you can, you should. I personally prefer to answer messages when I'm in the frame of mind to speak to that person about whatever that topic is. Sometimes this means leaving messages on read because I do like to check it's nothing that is legitimately time sensitive. That's just my personal preference and if someone prefers answering straight away it's not inherently better or worse. I think I don't really see it as a big deal to leave a message as read.
As someone who is short that type of jokes comes out all the time. Not sure why Shaaba thinks something OP said before hand for that joke to be brought up. Almost always that type of shit is the first jokes people make about you, even strangers
Ik this is off topic but your podcast put a smile on face today and today royally sucked thanks for light hearted laughter. I found out my cousin passed away and then a hour later my grandpa passed
When I start sending messages with friends, I always tell them at the start that I am terrible at giving replies and will likely often leave them on read- but not to be mean, just because I forget. A couple friends do the same as me. Usually I'll reply in a day or two so it's often not as if I keep them waiting much. Especially if something is time sensitive I make an effort to be fast. There have been times when we didn't message each other for weeks, and we've gotten to the point where we both stop apologizing and just pick up where we left off or start something new. I personally super appreciate this, keep looking for people who use similar communication style 😁 it's a great aspect of friendships, bit of a make-or-break kind of topic imo!
for the life insurance policy i feel like what's not sitting right with me about the husband is how 1. yeah he's kinda just told OP what he wants to do and doesn't seem to want to compromise or discuss anything (which is weird bc OP will be helping to pay for that policy). but 2. it sounds like he's been really laying into OP just bc OP has some misgivings about this and needs time to think about/organise their feelings. Like some of the stuff OP said that husband said to them is just .... not okay. like OP and husband need to sit down and discuss the policy properly so OP can explain what they've explained in their post here, about yk the future and other children and mum not needing 1.5m if she's super old etc etc. so like i think the husband is more the drama than OP here because it honestly just sounds like OP needed time to process what was happening and the husband immediately jumped to being offended about OP not being 100% on board with it. like maybe it's a cultural thing bc he feels like he has to look after his parents, etc, but that doesn't make it okay to attack ur partner bc they're not 100% agreeing with you over a decision that affects BOTH of you and your children.
The amount of problems that would disappear if people just ✨communicated✨
I've spent my whole adult life trying to communicate. Apparently most people just don't want to listen when something doesn't fit their frame of reference.
Tbf how are people supposed to do something they have never experienced/witnessed.
The 1st OP is giving me a bit of incel energy. Just the way he mentions career, looks, etc. like requirements to get a wife. OP is clearly very insecure about his height/single status and is lashing out because of it. The friends are being gits too, deliberately trying to wind OP up. some friendships are ok with that kind of teasing but OP clearly isn’t. OP should get new friends who lift him up and maybe he’ll feel better about himself and not put down everyone around him.
I agree, dude just sounds SUPER jealous of Ian so he's trying to tear him down to feel better. While his friends do suck, anyone who mocks minimum wage workers gets an immediate red flag from me.
First story, I agree with "everyone sucks," but his "friends" started it. OP does sound like a jerk, but his friend shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it.
@@stroodledoodlespeople who mock minimum wage workers are total dicks, but at least jobs can potentially change (i’m aware it’s much more difficult than that but it’s a possibility eventually), people’s bodies and heights cannot change and mocking that is a HUGE asshole thing to do.
@@moonface710 I think overall everyone sucks and shouldn't be around each other anymore
Yes, even by the way that 1st OP worded it 'He works as a waiter' gave me very demeaning vibes from the start. Very much frustrated, insecure and jealous and the fact OP was sober when this happened makes me think. OP1 YTA.
The problem with the insurance policy story is that there is a SHIT TON of assumptions going on here. If the husband is so concerned his spouse wont look after his mom after his end, he could still make partner the beneficiary and literally dictate what happens to the policy IN HIS WILL.
Tldr: the insurance policy is betting that on average they'll pay in 3 million dollars to the life insurance policy for every time they'll actually use it. It seems not a great deal to put money towards that edge case as a pilot while 99% of the time they'd be better off just putting the money towards moving his mom without the policy.
I think what I would be concerned about here is that if you cut 1.5 million out of a life insurance policy then you could probably just pay for the mother to move with the money that would have been spent on premiums. Like, home pal isn't the US president or another extremely dangerous job and because of that the death rate is low enough I think they should concern themselves with just paying for her to move with the money they save from not having the policy than planning for a fringe scenario where you wouldn't have quite as absurd amounts of money to split
The life insurance policy: They really need to speak with a financial planner who can give them solid advice based on their actual situation.
In my personal experience, being left on read has been blown way out of proportion. We all have lives, just be patient. If you *need* a reply message them again or phone them (politely of course). Don’t just assume they’re being an asshole, it’s most likely unintentional. Obvs if they still don’t reply, then that’s an issue. But give people the chance first.
Edit: For those of you who struggle remembering to reply to messages, I recommend making a habit of going through your messages and notifications at the end of the day. Add any messages you're not ready to answer yet to a to-do list. Kinda like a daily debrief.
Yes, thank you!
I reply to texts immediately...in my mind, practicing what I'm going to say in reply.
Then, three days later, I return to see that it never left my head and I've left people on read.
EXACTLY! The amount of times I either reply in my mind or write out a whole message and forget to send it! I really hope people don't think I'm a dick for that. I think the whole being left on read thing really shows humanities current addiction to phones and constantly being online (I'm not a boomer I promise 😭)
Yes, this. I have a whole life. I often read texts and think oh I’ll reply when I’ve finished , then life continues and I realise days later I didn’t respond.
I get exhausted by messages very easily, and for myself, if I don't put a question mark somewhere in the message, I am not expecting a reply. Because sometimes even just replying with a react emoji leads to another reply, and another, and another, and by the time it's over I'm useless for a week.
(Also, quite often, I just take the read notification to mean that someone is OK, if they are travelling or whatever, so if I know they've read something, I know they're not dead, so it's fine. If it's urgent, I can always send a follow up)
While I see your point, I don't understand why people keep clicking on messages if they don't have the time or energy to reply. Sure, sometimes you're interrupted or the message is longer than you expected, but I know many people who always leave others on read for hours, days or even weeks. It seems to be a habit for them (click, read, ignore, and often: forget). I find that incredibly rude and at that point it isn't about life getting in the way anymore. Just don't click on the message and you still have the notification so you won't forget, you won't have to read it twice, nobody gets mad at you or wonders why you aren't replying - everybody wins!
Silent Sally, my compassion to you. You do not have the onus to solve this problem. That said, it is the right thing to do. "Keeping the family together" is not the same as excusing bad behavior to appease people. If being called out pushes brother away, then he was never family anyway.
If I were you, I would talk to my partner and say something like this:
"Partner, enough is enough. I am not going let this woman and her daughter suffer marrying a cheater. I want us to do the right thing as a team. Following our moral compass is not betraying any dying wish. Brother got himself in this mess, and if he can't take being called out, then he's the one who didn't keep the family together. Also, family is family that acts like family. They don't put other members or anyone in such awful positions. I am going to give brother a chance to come clean, and I want you with me in that conversation. But regardless of what you do or what he does, someone is telling the fiance. I will do it if need be. This cannot go on and I think you know that. Especially with a kid caught in the middle.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If it was only cheating and specifically once or twice he should get another chance but the way Sally wrote it, makes it seam like it occurs every time, alongside manipulating and also with the keeping everyone silent and with a child in the middle. I'm a single mom myself and not sure if I'd belive you if I was in in love and blinded by it but I sure would be thankful for someone to warn me. Please consider having some proof when telling her!
THIS. It’s not the telling that’s breaking their mother’s wishes. It’s the cheating. Place the responsibility where it belongs.
I feel for Silent Sally. I should be the new kin keeper, but with the mess the family is in, just NO.
I green flag being left on read. There are many messages that doesn't need replies. I also have friends who might not have the energy to have a convo with me, but would still appreciate me texting them. Me seeing that my friend has read my message soothes my worry for my friend too. Like, maybe they've stopped replying to my texts, but at least they're looking at them, so I know they are alive & well enough to pick up their phone, even if not feeling well enough to interact.
Agreed!
Agreed!!! I actually red/orange flag turning off read receipts. It feels dodgy to me and makes me anxious LOL
I can’t green or red flag it as a whole because it is so context-dependent. Like, there’s a difference between - I’m using extreme examples to illustrate my point - sending someone a picture of a burnt loaf of bread they made while baking and asking to have a serious conversation about something (like setting boundaries and communicating your feelings and needs). Leaving the funny picture on-read is a neutral act, which is neither good nor bad, while leaving the invitation for a serious conversation is a red flag since that is actively ignoring something serious for someone else.
This of course depends on what your relationship with the person is. Not every relationship has or should have these deep, serious conversations, but the ones that do have more of an obligation to answer. They maybe don’t need to answer _immediately,_ but at least acknowledge it by replying with a thumbs up or “Sorry, I’m busy, let’s discuss this later.”
I green flag it too, but with the caveat that if it becomes a habit the person doing it needs to put some work in to make sure it doesn't come off the wrong way. My best friend for example leaves me on read all the time, but she's given me a couple of very acceptable reasons for doing so, and occasionally she'll then go through a bunch of messages at once and reply to all of them. She's also the one more likely to call me, whereas I'm the type to just share funny posts or rant about something that doesn't really need any kind of a reply. Sure, she could just mark it read with an emoji or something, but it doesn't really give anything more than leaving it on read does. If it's important I know she'll get back to me asap, even if it's not immediately after reading my message. So once again communication is the key, and more important than the behaviour itself.
You're a great, emphatic friend, love :)
Why are my favourite AITA's always the ones where Shaaba and Jamie vehemently disagree in the most mutually affirming ways imaginable?
One thing about the first story that I haven't seen anyone pick up on is the negative view of singleness. Granted, it's not the main point of the story, but saying, "You're xyz, and that's why you're single" assumes that being single is inherently bad and there must be a reason for it (or someone/something to blame).
As a long-term single person in her forties I tend to be very aware of the negative messages society sends us about our lives, and I find it important to counter those messages.
(Also, if that thinking were true, only amazing people would ever be in romantic relationships 🤷🏻♀️)
Of course, both Ian and OP sound like fairly unpleasant people, but please let's stop disparaging singleness by default.
ohh thank you for this reminder (from a fellow long-term single person)
To silent Sally, when I was in my early twenties I was with a guy whose close friend was a terrible cheat. It was very similar to this, normally the girlfriends didn't last long, but then he got a lovely long term girlfriend. And shortly after that I found out that he had a second serious girlfriend too. My boyfriend at the time told me not to say anything and indicated he'd be really mad at me/potentially end it if I did. I stayed silent too. To this day, it's one of my biggest regrets. I was so afraid of losing my boyfriend and didn't have enough lived experience to realise that him letting those two lovely girls be treated that way was a sign that he himself was not a good person. That guy (surprise, surprise) ended up breaking up with me after cheating on me. If I could turn back time, I would have told them both the truth and then broken up with my boyfriend. Not saying your partner is as bad as my ex. After all, there's more factors at play. I'm just saying, don't let it be a regret.
Sally please tell the fiancee, if her and her daughter have already been through trauma they don’t need this. Your partner should be supporting you but if he isn’t do you want to be in a family like this. A dead woman’s wishes aren’t more important than the living. Staying silent when it was just short term flings was one thing but this is different. Good luck to you ❤
To be fair, if a drunk person can use his alcoholism as a reason, being hurt by friends about your insecurities can also put you in a wrong state of mind and be a reason for lashing out.
Honestly more so. I'm not saying people can't drink... but if someone knows their reaction to drinking is bullying or talking down on others... they need to be ready for the person being talked down to, to fight back.
My thoughts exactly. OP was clearly hurt by what was said and lashed out
26:03 Giving grace because I understand what Shaaba meant, but just a friendly reminder that OP being American does not automatically mean they're white. Still love the video, I get such a kick out of watching y'all read and discuss these lol 🙂💖
had the same thought :)
True. At the same time, the cultural aspect can still apply. It may be the political climate, but specifying American without ethnicity implies "white" to me. Ymmv.
@@gilesluver generally I agree. Most American PoC tend to state their heritage in contexts where cultural differences are being discussed, even with other countries in play. But that's not universal. More than anything I just wanted to bring Shaaba's attention to the fact that she was making an assumption.
Yes however still lies the problem of different cultural outlooks on how money and responsibility with family should work out ( also Cuban isn't a race either we don't know if this man is white black mestizo Asian or indigenous Cuban)
For the last story, I think OP's partner continuing to stay silent would be going against the mother's dying wish. She wants the family to stay together, and watching the brother's toxic behavior continue will only build resentment until they eventually snap and cut him out entirely. Telling someone to get their sh*t together is an act of love because you want that person to better themselves. If he's not willing to give up his destructive ways, then he's the one destroying the family connection, not OP/their partner
Exactly this. Not saying something & staying silent could definitely end in the the family breaking up in worse ways
Not to mention the eventual breaking up of the BIL's about to be family.
Sally and her partner have put a lot of energy into trying to get brother in law to improve his behavior. At this late stage i think a conversation with the fiance may be the only way. And if Sally's partner is unwilling, her own relationship may be on the line.
completely agree with this
One of the other Reddit shows I watch is Smosh and Shayne says that some of the stories he might not call the OP the "drama" for the action, but they are the "drama" for how they wrote it.
1st OP is definitely the drama for how he wrote, though I think ESH. I actually feel that the idea that being short is a common joke doesn't excuse it at all. I think being hurt and attacking the wrong thing is actually more justifiable than being drunk. I think the idea he is the bigger drama is born entirely from the air of his post than the actions. I get that, but acting like attacking the body over job isn't as bad bothers me. There are a lot of factors to job, but you can change it at the end of the day. You can't change your height.
i think you're very right. he sounds like a douchebag from the tone of his post, but i think who was drinking doesnt have much bearing on who is the drama
For the life insurance policy story, I want to point out the story doesn't say the writer is white, it says they're American.
Came here to say the same
Yeah, feels like The British Popping Out for them to assume that
I'm really skeptical about the story altogether. Americans haven't be able to freely travel to Cuba since 1963, aside from a brief point called the Cuban Thaw (2015--2017). Furthermore, sending money to a Cuban national would be a difficult, but not impossible, process. The details of the story just seem implausible.
Edit: It seems as though I was mistaken about the status of travel to Cuba from the United States. While "tourist activities are prohibited by statute" there are 12 or 13 legally recognized reasons for travel. One of those is family visits. I apologize for error. I would include links to the relevant information I found but TH-cam doesn't like that.
@@themadmanchannel9036 I'm an American and went to Cuba in 2019
@themadmanchannel9036 Interesting. I knew there had been issues with travel but idk much about it. Also with the money, can they not use apps to send money? Or are they not available in Cuba?
The life insurance story. They could also do two different policies. One for her and the kids, they each pay half. One for his mom, he pays for it. And she should have life insurance on herself too.
I don't know how meaningful it is for him to pay for it if they have joint finances, which many couples do.
It's giving me weird vibes that they're splitting the payment but then the payout is also split down the middle. Surely they'd do like 3/4, 1/4 or something where each partner gets to decide how they'd like the money they're putting into it to be split (wife wants a full 1/2 to go to their family, while husband wants it split 1/4 to family and 1/4 to mom).
@@solsystem1342 Perhaps I'm old-fashioned, but I thought when people got married they thought of the household income as "their" money, and made decisions about it together. There are a lot of shared expenses in a marriage, and I don't know how many couples maintain completely separate finances.
@@alex_blue5802I know a lot of couples (including mine) who have both shared and separate accounts. Of course I do not know the finances of all my friends, but most I know about either have both shared and individual accounts, or fully separate and an arrangement on who pays for what to make it fair. The idea that all money is shared works for some people but not for others. It works for my partner and me to have most of our income go into the shared account but also have some personal money we can do as we please with, including treating the other every now and then.
I think that might be a good solution if they cannot come to an agreement. However if the husband already feels like OP doesn’t want to help his family, such an arrangement could highlight that feeling and cause resentment too.
I’ve heard the term “short king” used primarily to validate trans men/ masc folks! I hope this helps alleviate some of the negative connotation with it/ further contextualize why it’s usually used positively :)
Love the pod/ vod!
Wow, I never heard about this😮
Lmaoooo
Jamie : *quotes the Bible*
Shaaba : so wise, did you just make that up?
Love y'all 😆
I died at that bit
crying in the club for sally. when it comes to dilemmas like this though i always always fall back on "is this something that i will regret?" i am autistic, so acting morally is something i physically and mentally MUST do, but that doesn't mean i don't struggle to see what the moral choice is. to sally, i think the reason you posted this is because you know the answer and need some affirmation/support. you know what the right answer is love. how do you believe the (hopefully soon to be ex) fiancé and her daughter will feel knowing they are being looked out for even if it isn't who should ideally be doing so? you got this babes. and honestly your partner is kind of icky for allowing his brother to implode a woman's and her daughter's lives, idrc what mom wanted. mom isn't gonna save your soul or your mind from the regret.
I'm a 5'1 trans guy and I've never called myself a short king but the term has def made me feel better about my height especially now that I personally know a cis guy who is my age and the same height. Also I make many jokes about my height with my close friends that sound really mean from a third person pov.
For the life insurance one, I want to point out that life insurance payouts are subject to inheritance tax in the US, so depending on the state they live in, $1.5mil could easily become $1.2mil or less. A lot of regular family homes with like 4 beds/3 bath are easily $1mil if you live on either coast in a city. The most important thing you want to do with a life insurance payout is 1. Pay for medical expenses associated with the death, 2. Pay for the funeral, and 3. Pay off all debts, especially the house, to the point where bills are manageable for the survivor. If they live in New York, California, Washington, etc., I could easily see $1.2mil disappearing and maybe not even being enough to pay for the death, the funeral, and the house. There might not be anything leftover for a college fund for the kid or any future kids. I know $3mil sounds like a lot, but cost of living is absolutely ludicrous in the US, and that might not be that much depending on their debts and whether or not they already have a college fund set up for the kid. I can see why OP might be worried that only having half of it (less than half after tax) might leave her in a bad position if something happens to her husband.
Exactly. $3 million sounds like a lot but when you break it down, it's not going to go far. I just went through this two times in less than 4 years and the life insurance policies sounded big but by the time we paid taxes and burial and left over debts, there was nothing left.
Dying wishes are usually so incredibly selfish. I get why people do it, but the pain you can cause people down the line if your wish isn't something they can or want to fulfill alone is horrible. Unless it's something like "make sure my child is taken care of", I think none of us should utter a dying wish.
I love the fact that the first "short king" that comes to Shaaba's mind is Joffrey, but for me it was Lord Farquaad (even though he's technically not a king, but he is a ruler) 😆
Just as a comment on the topic of the first story - I think close friends often get to a point amongst each other where they make harsh jokes because it's a way of reinforcing your intimacy and trust in each other, ironically! If you trust that someone does care about you and really does actually think the world of you, then they can say something that would sting coming from anyone else but that you know, without hesitation, they don't mean seriously or intend to hurt you. It's kind of like flirting in a way, it relies on a lot of unspoken things and context and it CAN be easy to get it wrong sometimes, but I think that's where the impulse comes from. It's a way of being like "I know you and your vulnerabilities so well that I can 'play fight' with you without actually hurting you."
A really good friend who has been with you through good times and bad, and seen you at your best and your worst, knows the worst things about you and still loves you. And joking about those things is a lighthearted way of saying "I see you, even the things you hide and are ashamed of, and it doesn't matter because you're my friend and I adore you." But you have to believe your friend really does love you for that to work.
That's why sometimes it goes very poorly if someone tries to jump into a preexisting friend group and make those kinds of jokes without really getting acquainted with people first; that trust isn't there, and the trust is a key element in making the "joke" actually funny. And even very close friends can get it wrong sometimes, and punch too hard without meaning to! But if you have a good friendship, as you mentioned, you can say "hey, that actually didn't feel great, can we not joke about that?" and a good friend will of course respect that and want to help you have a good time.
I think what made the difference here is that the OP has some genuine resentment toward his friend that has up to this point gone unaddressed, and has, perhaps unknown to both himself and his friend, damaged their intimacy as friends. That trust isn't there. So it wasn't a "play hit" to him, it was just a hit, and he hit back. Which is not to say I think his friend is more at fault because I don't, OP's resentment is really really his problem. But that's where I think the different interpretations come into play.
The first one, there is a very famous saying that there is truth in wine. That people have lowered inhibitons and are more likely to say the truth. Also 'jokes' are often used to say the truth too.
I would agree with ESH. I would say Ian is more of an AH here.
Also the jokes, they couk have all been joking about OP's heights
I have to say on that last one, I think there is an option that doesn't blow up the family or at least has less risks of it and still tells the fiance what's up.
It's possible to tell people things anonymously. And especially if it's at all possible to reach out to his ex's, asking them if you could forward their contact to the fiance so she can ask questions from people who've been where she was. It would also give a plausible reason someone reached out the the fiance that isn't necessarily the OP. It could be any of his exs or even someone else.
There's no point in going to the brother at this point in time. He's been a serial cheater for years regardless how op and the family have tried to get him to change. There would be no point in addressing it yet again. Tell the fiancee. She needs to know. I don't care who tells her but you can't trust the brother to tell her because it would be way easier to tell OP "ok i did it" but he never really did and won't until it's too late for his fiancee to leave without many strings and even more heartbreak. If everyone else says "don't tell her", then OP HAS to. It isn't fair for everyone to know this and not tell her. Can you imagine being in the fiancee's place?? Literally your shiny new husband has been cheating on everyone he's been with for years, his entire family knew, and not one person told you? Even if she wanted to stay despite the cheating (something i personally can't imagine doing, that's too big a betrayal), finding out everyone else knew and didn't tell her would be devastating.
On the life insurance policy story, talking about 'the principle(s)': while the husband is concerned about his family of origin because they've probably sacrificed a lot for him and would struggle even more without him (as a fellow Latin American, I can *totally* relate), the wife's reaction is also understandable when we consider she's covering half the cost of the insurance and would therefore only be getting 'her own half', so to speak, if he left the 1.5 million ('his own half') to his mother. The most objectively fair scenario, as I see it, would then be for the wife and child/ren to be left (at least) 75% (the wife's half + half of the husband's) and the mother, (around) 25%. They're both equally frustrated and resenting each other - the husband for imagining his wife couldn't care less about his mother/sister/etc., and the wife (even though she doesn't seem to have noticed this yet) because his suggestion technically (since the cost of the policy has been equally split between both partners) means that she'd be making sure the family they've built together is taken care of while he'd just be looking after his mother/etc. What a convoluted comment, I apologise. It makes more sense in my head. 😅
What you are saying makes total sense and is so true. If the wife is expected to pay half and only getting half, the husband is basically giving his share fully to his mother and family of birth. The 75-25 splits is the way if should be.
Also, OP only has the one husband but the mother likely has more than one child who can support her. Even if the husband makes significantly more money than the rest of his siblings (we know he has at least a sister, not sure if more), in the case of his death the mother wouldn’t loose all her support network (not just financially but also generally helping her with doing things, being around, etc). However if the husband dies OP looses her main life partner, the person who is raising children with her, the person who was jointly paying for living costs, etc. I don’t want to say that loosing a husband is worse than loosing a son, but it is different and also means different things in terms of lose of support network and impact on one’s life.
@@s.a.4358 She does, the mother is living with OP's husband's sister and apparently the other family members have businesses and are doing okay for themselves, so doing a 50/50 split when the mother is already reasonably stable living with one of her other children seems a bit odd to me. The husband could also leave money to her in his will without it needing to be related to Life Insurance which I would assume would be to make sure OP and their child(ren) aren't fucked over by the loss of their second income, particularly if his mother will be less financially impacted and would be gaining extra money rather than compensating for the loss of it.
I’m 5’5”, my husband is 5’2”. I have dated across the height spectrum. It’s neither here nor there for me. It’s more about how a person acts, their character, how they put themselves together.
The life insurance one is so weird to me. Because the mom might predecease the son. This might never be an issue. So why is OP making it an issue? It makes the son feel good to know that his mom is taken care of. What if he passes with the mom still alive, leaves the $ solely to the wife who later has a falling out with the mom & stops giving her the “allowance” she told him that she would give. I do think that he needs to pay out for it out of his own $ if they can’t come to an agreement about it.
My one of my partners is like mid 5 range and the other is well over 6ft. Let me just say officially I couldn't care less. I'm much more interested in how good their hyperfixation ramble game is or how well their interests overlap with mine.
@@melodycuthbert4840
Because it's husband trying to decide for himself. Basically, OP is paying half the policy but her husband is pretending like he has full control over where the money goes. It should be a joint discussion about how much money they even need to set aside. Much less how it's split
I learned this from Roly, and I think he's right. We normally try to put ourselves in the best light possible, so I feel like if Ian was being an ahole to OP, OP would have said it right off the bat. The amount of missing information makes me believe that the missing context would make OP look bad. In the end i agree with y'all that ESH but more so OP.
"it's not crazy" GIRL the economy in latam is in SHAMBLES, i can't treat myself to a single pack of pokemon cards because the cost of that is the same of a meal!!! she's got no idea how it actually is here
It does sound like Sally's family has tried talking to BIL and now he's distancing himself/isolating from the family (either because he doesn't want to hear/face the truth of his actions, doesn't want to be judged anymore, or doesn't want to be caught in his lies/cheating). Continuing those types of conversations/interventions with people who don't want to hear it or take accountability for their actions/manipulation/lies leads to a distancing of/from them so they can continue their lifestyle choices without judgment from the people who know them best (even when those conversations are coming from a place of love/encouragement to do better/etc). I would not be able to stay silent as an in-law/by-stander when there was an imminent marriage and no positive change has been witnessed from the perpetrator. People can change. But they have to want to. If he hasn't changed and is about to be a manipulative/cheating/lying partner to his fiance, I would speak up (even if done privately so the fiance could be informed/have certain behaviors on her radar) so she can make informed life decisions for herself and her daughter.
I got the impression that BIL was trying to isolate the girlfriends from OP and his brother more than from him. ie: So they wouldn't have a chance to mess with his game plan.
I can understand the fear and frustration of having to go against a sibling or sibling in law in instances of them being a terrible person. My younger brother is a rather shitty person of his own accord, and I have basically been shunted into silence out of the fact that any time I try to say something, the family has actively either blamed me for ruffling feathers or (in the case of my step father) am “expecting too much of him”. He’s turning 18 this year and he as a human being is very much not ready to be out in the real world - he’s either going to get a huge slice of humble pie served to him and he’s going to figure his shit out, or he’s going to make it everyone else’s problem, and I unfortunately think it’s going to be the latter.
So, my sister and I have instead made a pact: any person he dates, no matter who it is, we’ll take their side. We’ll make sure they know that they are supported and can come to us. And I will hold that standard no matter what it takes. Even if I’m being told at all sides I should stay silent, that I shouldn’t ruffle feathers, that I should stay in my place, it’s only right for me to do what I can to keep that other person safe and make sure they know they have someone in their corner.
On the insurance one, totally agree that more conversation is needed. Not just now, but they need to revisit this on a regular basis over the years. There will be things that come up over the years that move the dial… and what is right/fair now will evolve and policies and/or wills should be updated accordingly as circumstances change
So, I have Cuban-American family members and regarding the second one I had some thoughts before I realized husband's family no longer lived there. It is VERY common for people with family still in Cuba to try to bring them dollars and basic essentials because the economy there is really messed up after more than 60 years of sanctions by the US combined with decisions made by the local government. It can be difficult to buy a lot of products in Cuba using the local currency which you CAN get if you have dollars. On top of that are issues of restrictions on political expression etc.
So especially if family still lived there, I could see why husband would be especially concerned to make sure they were looked after...though I suspect transferring US insurance money to Cuba might be a problem given the poor relations between the countries!
Given that they now live in "Latin America" (Cuba is also part of Latin America, BTW, which is why that was confusing. I suspect OP means SOUTH America?) that may be less of an issue...but is still something that ought to be researched!
That's the same thing I though. They are no longer in Cuba and seem to be doing well in whatever other country they are at. The Mom just seems to want to move to the US and it's fine to sponsor her for that but there doesn't seem to be a need to take care of the whole extended family. It sounds like the parents are no longer together, so it seems a "make sure you take care of my mom" clause would be what OP's husband needed to add
They could be in Central America as well, or even Mexico. It's such a huge region. What it means to be middle class means such different things depending on what country they are in.
Silent Sally: BIL is ISOLATING his fiancee from any potential help or information. Serial cheater is marrying an older woman with a teenaged daughter (ick) after 6 months. Husband won't do anything because of toxic last wish, giving bil carte blanche to act this way (was mil permissive with bil?). Is fiancee well-off or will she be dependent?
YTD for *letting an in-law* (as she will become) get into this situation.
46:45 She actually didn't compare life between the United States and Cuba. She said that he is Cuban and his family lives in Latin America, and that life in Latin America was not very different from life in the US. This is a weird generalizing statement because Latin America isn't, like, a singular country with a singular culture and economy, but she absolutely did not comment on life in Cuba.
with the first story: reading that the other people seemingly exploded on OP, which they didn't do on the tall friend, just tells me that there was a lot of more truth to what he said than one gives him credit reading the really bitter first sentences. So for me, while everybody sucks here, Ian is the one "sucking" more.
In the first one I think the fact that OP is single is what makes the comment from Ian worse. Ian pointed out a real insecurity and made fun of how that's actually affecting OP's life, whereas OP commented on how Ian's job would make him less desirable (something that Ian probably doesn't struggle with, since he does have a girlfriend). I still think everyone sucks here, but I think I empathize with OP a bit more
27:28 but they have a baby, so if nothing else it should be a 70/30 split. Not a 50/50. The $3 million is how much the wife would get in case of his death, not how much he's paying for the policy.
The short one says he's 5"4 or 5"5, but as a female that's 5"2 that's a great height to me. Honestly feel like men put more of an issue on the height thing than majority of women actually caring about it
About the last story, I don't think enough people realize how toxic that family environment is. MIL is a GIGANTIC red flag, and it seems like her emotional abuse continues to hold her family even after her death. I've seen people like her, one of my grandmothers was like that, I don't think enough people recognize just how much emotional (at least) abuse was going on in that family. When children grow up in an abusive family, they'll usually become either abusers themselves, like BIL; victims, like Sally's partner seems to be; or rebels, which there is not in the story, so the role of the rebel is sort of being forced onto Sally. But I think as she is just an in-law to that family, it is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY to solve any conflicts. Especially since it's clear that her partner does not see the outside perspective on this (something most victims of abuse can't see), and thus he disagrees with her, so any attempt at stopping BIL from Sally could potentially cause a strain or conflict in her relationship with her partner.
For the second post, at 26:04, although most people will assume someone is white when they say they are American, it is not necessarily always the case. American should not be synonymous for white since so many different people are born in the US and grow up with American culture
With the insurance story, I kind of feel it's a cultural thing a well. Not only they way he wants to divide it, but also his reluctance to have her imput on what happens with what he considers his money from his life. I'm Latin American and have experienced the pressure of helping family and also the way Latin American men tend to be very stubborn on their decisions (specially when a woman is the one that makes them feel questioned).
They are not on the same page to have a conversation and that's a huge problem. If they could actually talk, they would understand where the other is coming from.
I disagree about the "short king" post. I do not understand why you guys chose to view the Ian guy with a more sympathetic lens than you viewed OP. OP sounds like he has issues, but it's NEVER okay to bully people about an insecurity just because it's a joke. They both suck equally. If anything, knowing what we know from this post alone, Ian seems to suck more since he offended OP first. Also, I'm not going to sit and judge other people's dynamics but I always feel uncomfortable when people insult and bully each other within friendship groups in the name of "jokes". I always find that those relationships tend to be in some ways strained and, most of the time, some people end up being the butt of mean jokes more than others.
I see your point about Ian sucking more because he was the first to say something offensive. We can judge OP on the things he wrote about Ian’s job and himself making more money, but there is a different between being judgemental by ourselves and saying it to the person’s face. I do think we can all be judgemental at times, but it should remain an inside thought and not be used to hurt other.
Ultimately they both suck though. I don’t even think it’s worth trying to figure out who sucks more because they both didn’t behave well. I hate the “it was just a joke” argument when someone feels hurt, especially when friends should be supportive of each other and not pray on each other’s insecurities. They are both not being friends to each other.
Yeah but, we can't see inside the other person's head. They might have genuinely messed up a "joke" while they were drunk. Or they might have an internal monologue like OP and think that they're better than everyone else. We can't tell for that person but we definently can for op
@@solsystem1342 I completely disagree with you there. As someone who isn't a teetotaler and does drink socially, it is NEVER acceptable to make a joke that pokes at someone's insecurities. Making a joke about someone's appearance is never okay, just like it isn't okay to joke about someone's financial situation. If the guy had commented on his weight rather than height (which, weight CAN change), people would be more understanding. Everyone in this situation really sucks, which is why I was genuinely surprised by the the sympathetic view Shaaba in particular was taking towards Ian.
100% disagree. To me, it’s the person who matches or one up’s the original comment that is ultimately worse. In that moment, of full mind and body, OP had the chance to be the bigger person. Instead of bringing this up in a conversation, they just attack Ian back. Plus, we have full insight into OP’s mindset. OP does truly think that service workers are lower than them. We have no idea what the group dynamic is of the friend group and there is no way of knowing from OP if they were a joking group or if Ian really meant it. We do know how OP feels.
Also, please don’t project your feelings of “insulting” within friend groups. Those are your feelings. It’s okay to not prefer to be in that dynamic, but if it works for certain people, it works for them. Shaaba and Jamie testified it works for them. I personally wouldn’t want to be in that dynamic either, but those are my feelings.
It sounds like a shitty situation over all, but OP sounds self-righteous, insecure, bigoted, demeaning, and gives off incel vibes. We can tell this from their words. I don’t trust OP, and therefore can’t trust that they would give an accurate telling of the situation.
Definitely agree with you on the whole “don’t make fun of people’s appearances” though with a minor caveat that being mean about weight isn’t good either. Being overweight or underweight aren’t ugly things and therefore should not be joked about. Yes, they are health risks, but most people aren’t joking about the health risks and just point out how “disgusting” it is.
@@XSkittles90210 I do not agree with you at all that the onus falls on the person offended to be the "bigger person" in order to not be the bigger asshole. If someone said something offensive to me and I said something offensive to them in response, it makes us both assholes but from just that bit of information, my offensive behavior was reactive while the other party was offending without provocation. Of course It's never okay to say unfair, hurtful things just because they were said to you but it does not make you a worse person than the original offender. I see your point about OP not being a trustworthy narrator. I do, however, also need to note that OP did come to a forum to seek outside perspectives which suggests at least a moticum of self-awareness.
Also, you think that Shaaba and Jamie testifying that insulting "jokes" work for their friend group 100% proves that it works for everyone within their friend group?? That is placing way too much trust in a parasocial relationship. I was not projecting my feelings, I was noting them. From my life experiences, which is what I will base my feelings on, I will always be skeptical of friendship dynamics where bullying and insulting as a "joke" is normal. I've seen time and time again that more often than not there is always someone in the group who ends up being the butt of the joke. Just because Shaaba and Jamie have a social media presence they are not above the "regular" people I know.
The thing with culture and traditions is that, yes it’s expected but it’s still up to _him_ to think of his immediate family as well.
Also, OP communicated her feelings and he told her what was happening.
For the last story: forcing bil to be honest with his fiance is not going to go against the moms dying wish. Her wish was for him to keep the family together. Bil is bringing his fiance into the family by marrying her, so as part of the family, she deserves honesty and protection from the rest of the family. Keeping the family together does not include keeping secrets that will tear the family apart down the line.
24:16 NOTHING COULDVE PREPARED ME, I had to double back to make sure I’d heard that right
This becomes my favourite podcast more and every episode that comes out love hearing both of your views on things. Also would just like to say both Shaba and Jamie are glowing this episode 😊
I have to say that a 3.5 million dollar policy is not a huge policy to cover at least 5 people. As commenters on the original post mentioned, you have to cover lost of salary for several years.
I love how you 2 talk out every detail of different possible perspectives to each situation. It's like listening to 2 therapists on a podcast 😊
I'm really grateful Shaaba and Jamie were reading the life insurance story. I think it's important to have someone with experience of both western and non western culture to explain where the bias traps fall. I came to pretty much the same conclusion as Jamie and having the added clarity of Shaaba's understanding of non-white cultures helps me keep my mind open. Partners need to respect one another's culture, and need to talk out the differences before committing to long term realtionships. But once you commit, in my mind, you stop fully living in your culture, and need to adapt to the integration of your and all your partners perspectives.
But who has to be the one to adapt then?
I agree, they BOTH need to adapt. It is also not fair to call OP selfish for not being equally willing to support the husband’s mother and family back in Cuba. It is not her culture to do so and, while I do think once married there is a responsibility for the in-laws too (I believe if you marry someone you also marry into the family, becoming part of it), OP shouldn’t be the only one who needs to adapt. Having been in the situation of OP (although not married) there can be a lot of pressure, sometimes even entitlement, from the extended families and even the partner. I completely understand that the husband wants to help his mother and family in Cuba, however his first responsibility is to work as a team with the wife he chose to marry and build a life with, making sure they are agreeing and making decisions together.
For the last story...I would tattle to the 40 year old fiance so fast! No one deserves that much disrespect.
Yes! Screw "keeping the family together" when I can save someone a lot of hurt. They deserve to make an informed decision and if no one else is going to say anything, I sure will.
But I'm not close to my family and in general more of a "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb"-kinda person. Meaning, I value formed bonds more than arbitrary ties through blood relations. (Of course you can form those bonds with relatives as well, but shared genetic material shouldn't be THE reason why you care about them.) So I don't have any problems causing a rift in the family.
Or, invite her around for a coffee, casually talk about partners, and lovingly bring up quirks that OPs own partner has, asking if she has noticed any from B-I-L, be the friend she needs, you don't have to confront her but being there for her and finding out if she's aware of any problems B-I-L has, letting her know you have her back and a shoulder to cry on if she ever needs it first can be greatly significant to her. Especially if she's already had a lot of recent trauma, having a friend can make a huge difference.
In regards to the insurance policy, he could just want his mother to be financially independent and not to depend on help.
For the Sally story. I think the big issue is that you are effectively lying on bils behalf by just agreeing with whatever the partner says and that's what's probably waying on you. And so I think a discussion about how you will no longer lie on his behalf and if his partner asks about something that's clearly a lie told to hide something you will correct them and no longer just to along with the lie plain and simple. And if you are truly worried maybe see if there's a way to anonymously contact the fiance and let her know. If you do go that route just make sure you are not being too all knowing in the message and maybe pretend to be an ex or one of his current side pieces who feels guilty after seeing the announcement or something like that.
I’m a titch confused about the insurance policy story - there is an important distinction between a Life Insurance Policy and a Will. Caring for the MIL should be incorporated into hubby’s will and not an aspect of his life insurance policy. Even if the bulk of his assists after death come from this life insurance they are not the sum total of his worldly wealth (which would also include his debts). Also, the Life insurance money would become the MILs money and therefore after her death whatever is left over when she passes away would not return to OP and her children, it would be divided between whomever the MIL determines in her will (which could be the extended family, a charity, or even her cats). Outlining how mum should be cared for, should be stipulated in Husband’s will (which most lawyers suggest you do at the time of purchasing life insurance), and it therefore becomes the wife’s responsibility to adhere to the will.
I definitely agree. Life insurance is about helping with lasting debt that you currently or will contribute to. This may include mortgage payments, your student loan debt (which in the US it can be huge), your children's future student loans, car payments, etc. Unless he's paying debts for his mother than she shouldn't be considered for Life Insurance. She should be considered in the will, like you stated.
Agreed and excellent point about any debt also being inherited. OP could be in a position to maybe get 1.5m from the life insurance but also find out her husband has 1m of debts she didn’t know about. So in the current scenario the mother would get 1.5m but OP end up with 0.5m after debt. Even if it is not secret debts, maybe they have a large mortgage or other joint debts (medical, studies, etc) that the wife is not able to pay alone on her salary. There must be a reason they are getting a life insurance policy for 3m in the first place.
This is your regular reminder that you're all awesome, beautiful and valid little peaches, just the way you are ❤🧡💛💚💙💜Love you all ❤🧡💛💚💙💜
To the first story:
I'm a short guy, I'm only 5,3 (I'm a transguy, so that's basically the reason).
Despite being trans and short af, I NEVER had problems finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with me.
I had many girlfriends, one even being a model.
I hate it, when men tell other men, they are "too small" for women to like them. Smaller guys are just as liked as tall ones. In the end it's the personality that counts. Stories like that make me very angry, not because I think that OP was wronged, but because height shouldn't be an issue in general, and I don't get it, why people bully people that are small, or why short people feel less, because they are small. It's such a dumb discussion and jokes about it are just not funny, if you as me.
OP getting frustrated at such a personal insult is understandable, but reacting like he did is not fine. If he doesn't like "idiots" (sorry for using an insult, but I really dont like people that joke about insecurities like that) who need to degrade themselfs to a level, where they joke about things like height, then maybe he has the wrong friend group and should just find friends who don't need to resort to jokes like that to have a fun time. (I wouldn't want to have friends like that aswell)
But blowing up and being mean won't help. I mean, he can stand up for him, but being spiteful is not helping at all...
11:00 controlling your income is far easier than controlling your height. This definitely solidifies my ESH.
The last story: there is a rule of thumb for what should be said. Any statement needs to have 2 of these three requirements to be said. It needs to be true, necessary, or kind. Sally needs to say something because it is true and necessary. The mother's dying wish is putting a pressure of kindness first and that allows one brother to walk over the other.
I just wanted to say that these videos always make my week. Both the ones you do on your own, and the ones with Jamie. Thank you so much Shaaba. ❤
Shaaba is the best part of Mondays!
I really enjoyed the thorough discussions and nuanced thought processes for this vid's stories. That's what I come here for. :)
46:52 but we are literally in the middle of OPs explanation as to why she said that.
story 1: tbh both OP and ian come across so shitty that they should date each other so as to spare the rest of the world, including ian's gf, from their shittiness
An additional thing that bugs me about the life insurance policy that got mentioned very briefly at the end is it being a 'this is what I'm doing' versus a conversation about how quantities are reasonably split to support the different number of people. I think some amount of funds to the husbands mom would make sense in the context, but it feels unfair to meet to give his mother the same amount as currently the 2 family members (wife and kid) plus potentially more children in the future. I saw other people talk about wills which make a lot of sense for helping work this through, especially because from my understanding its easier to change them in the future.
For the second story, i would have said NAH except for the fact the husband is being a jerk to the wife, because he hasn't properly communicated to her and called her selfish and mean. This is a solid NTA for me, the husband sort of sucks, but the in laws seem sweet but just not in a good financial situation.
Also I agree with your opinion Shaaba, i just think that the husband shouldn't have called her selfish which made him a bit of a jerk. I can see the way he was thinking about splitting it for cultural reasons and for his family (I'm also from a south asian family :)), but name calling wasn't okay.
For the first story, I might argue that it is worse to make fun of something that cannot be changed (height) than something that can be changed (income).
For the second one, NTA. I think a more equitable insurance policy would be a quarter to his mom, a quarter to her mom, and half to the wife and kids. Especially if they are splitting the cost of the policy.
Yay I love this podcast and the bond between you
For the first story, I agree with the ESH badge. For me, the friend sucks more for starting the issue for picking on OPs height. My opinion is even more compounded by the fact that the friend made a joke about something OP can't change whereas the friend could try for a higher paying job, if they wanted.
Why are you both so sure $3 million is a lot for a life insurance policy? If it's to replace lost earnings, and a pilot would expect to earn that amount over 30 years, it's just about right.
The life insurance policy one upsets me quite a lot because I come from the angle of being the person who's dad died when i was very young (though we didn't have a life insurance policy we could rely on), he has NO CLUE what could happen if he were to die young. I can only speak from my experience but my experience was growing up in America (as an only child), my dad died and my mom found out she lost her job at his funeral and couldn't get any work and we ended up loosing our house and spending quite a few nights with no food. We even had to use up all the money they'd saved up to send me to college. $3 million would've saved us from that. It wouldn't have necessarily fixed all of our problems, but it would've kept us stable for the like 8 years my mom went unable to get a job.
Thank you, Shaaba! And Jamie, too, of course. What an episode. I absolutely loved it. I feel we can all learn so much from it. Probably my favourite so far. So far. :)
i make a point to always respond to people asap/never leave someone on read bc i absolutely HATE when people do that to me. like it's not necessarily a red flag bc it depends on the context, but generally i have a very hard time feeling motivated to stay in contact with people who consistently leave me on read for days at a time. like.... i consider it kinda rude bc if someone messages me that i like/enjoy talking to I always make sure to respond to them/i don't open the message until I'm ready to respond. and it feels like to me, if people are just leaving me on read a lot then they can't really want to talk to me.
I feel the same, completely understand not being able to respond for a few hours or a day, but a lot of people have left me on read for multiple days at a time whilst still posting things online/not being super busy, and I just feel like they're ignoring me or that I'm not important enough to be memorable, or that they don't enjoy talking with me if replying is such a chore 😢 I know I probably assume the worst, but it's better than thinking people like you when they actually don't
@@RowanArk omg literally, its the worst when people are posting but not answering you. like if people have time to post then they have time to answer a message, especially if its from someone they care about. it really does just feel like they dont care about me when they do that
I didn’t think OP in S2 was TA to begin with, but even less so after she explained her reasons.
The thing about insurance policies is if the person is not listed as a beneficiary, they are not entitled to anything. There is no guarantee that OP’s spouse will continue to help mom and legally speaking she doesn’t have to. If you list your spouse as beneficiary with the intention that the spouse will divide it amongst your children for example, that spouse has no legal obligation to do so, it is their money and what they do with it is their prerogative. The only way to ensure that mom gets anything is to put her name on there. I say this as someone who works in insurance and has done legal work, if it is not in black and white there is no guarantee of anything.
Because in the long run even if spouse and mom do get along, is OP really going to support her late husband’s mother for the rest of her life? What if OP remarries? What if something happens to OP and that money then gets split between another spouse with 0 ties to MIL and a child that can’t access it? You have to kinda think long term when you’re doing planning like this and remember that this is all the input you will have on what happens when you’re gone.
Thank you for this comment. It's not a matter of trust, it's both a legal and a life (life changes, circumstances change), so to speak, matter.
However much I loved and trusted my partner, I'd also be inclined to make sure things are 'set in stone' in this situation. And I wouldn't take offence if my partner did the same. (Percentages are another story, though, of course - especially when both partners are covering the cost of the policy, I believe).
@@brunahamabata1 yeah I don’t disagree that they need to sit down and talk about actual numbers I just also personally wouldn’t tell my partner not to give their mother anything or assume that there are no circumstances in which I might decide sending their family money isn’t going to happen anymore.
My best friend and I tease each other relentlessly but the difference is that we have established boundaries on what is ok to tease about and what isn't. There are things she can say to me that no one else can and vice versa. It's all about the relationship and rapport we have developed over the last 7 ish years. We one of us has inevitably crossed the line, we stop and address what the issue was and where the hurt came from. If either of us were to continue pushing on that point, it would be disrespectful. Communication is key
I heard that the 'short king' only for guys, who are not insecure about their height, or being graceful about it instead of awful. And used by others, to validate them instead of mocking. There is also a term for the opposite situation, if I remember correctly.
I know this wrong??
hello! i work in the life insurance industry. there are all kinds of different policies, payment types and plans, beneficiary plans, etc that can be tailored to fit their specific needs. they should absolutely speak w a life insurance professional before jumping to any decisions or conclusions.
there is one catch tho- the fact the policy would be issued in the US, with a beneficary in Cuba, could be a problem. they would need to ensure there are no sanctions the us has on cuba at the moment (cuba and usa relations are hot-and-cold). additionally, there may be taxes on the beneficiary payout, depending if the policy generated interest, etc. lots of things to consider!!
I love how Shaaba is overhere skipping generations!
Same, Love, same.
The friends getting into a fight over mean words spoken while drunk. I have a different take on it. My badge is ESH, but not because of jealousy or alcohol or misunderstanding...at least not entirely. As a child of a toxic family who has also been hyper sensitive since my first memory, I see myself in OP. The lack of social grace, the over reaction to teasing, the not knowing how far is too far, the superficial things being held in high esteem while not understanding why others don't see it the same way. I would bet money on OP growing up with absentee or indifferent parents who valued money and things more than time with their child. This scars a kid and stunts their social development because the kid models what they see in their parents.
It’s not quite the same circumstance, but the whole conversation about the blind trust and support towards “the family unit” brings to mind one specific conversation I had with my mother at a teen. My cousin had just been arrested for embezzlement from his part time job after high school. He was to spend the night or more in jail, but his mother begged her dad to bail him out, and he did. This really rubbed me the wrong way because my cousin had been stealing from family members for years, and it was an open secret at that point, but he’d never been held accountable. I really thought at the time (and still do) that he needed to at least spend a night in jail if nothing else before being bailed out because he really felt no remorse. So when I heard the whole story, I said to my mom “if I ever do something bad enough to get arrested, I need you to leave me in jail, at least for the night. If I ever end up in that position, I want to be held accountable.” And this is where a lot of my dissatisfaction with the whole idea of “the family unit” comes into play. You can love someone unconditionally, or not, or whatever; but beyond that you need to give them the burden of responsibility for and realization of the fact that they’ve done something wrong. It’s a matter of respect for me. If you respect me, you will hold me accountable. *AND* if I’m not getting the point, I should have to face the consequences of my actions. Also, just in case anyone cares, my cousin has reflected as he got older and has cleaned himself up, as far as I’m aware.
1. I agree with Shaaba about OP being mean/arrogant from the start. The way he's phrasing their economic situation is coming across as justification for his opinion and remarks. It's giving it was bad of me to insult him, but it's true and my opinion is righteous instead of evaluating themselves and the norms that is influencing their view. And I agree with Jamie that Ian and OP had different intentions with their "jokes", and OP was out to hurt Ian.
2. "I am in favor of this, as we have a baby & he is pursuing a career as a pilot." I thought they where referring to the baby xD and was like is the baby just their child but almost adult, why did she call them a baby? Or is it still a baby and you've already planned their future career?
I think the biggest drama is that both of them are approaching the conflict as a "me vs. you" problem instead of "us vs. the problem". OP admits she struggles to put down exactly why it feels off, but the husband isn't really giving her a good and resonable explanation of the cultural difference and that he acctually is expected, and wanting to support his mother just as he supports her. They need to discuss what they include in their immediate family and what their main obligations are. I disagree with so many of the comments in the thread arguing eachother over wich answer is right, but nobody is thinking about it as a neutral thing where you can make the decicion for yourself. As long as husband is being clear and honest that mum is one of his main resposibilities and at the same "level" as wife, then it's also clear as to why she should be included in the policy. He also says that mum is gonna share the money with the rest of his family. So a question could be, is their kids gonna be on the same level of responsibility as wife and mum? I think OP thinks the are, wich is why she then divided their share into three different parts while husband is thinking of it as she gets half of the money and will use it to support herself and her kids the way she needs, just as his mum is doing for his family with the other half.
3. I love discussions on ethical obligations! The conflict with your own moral principles - should I prioritize my personal obligations or the value I hold to the wellfare of each indivual being. Basically, who is worth more? Do I allow harm to someone else, to avoid harming a close person of mine, or do I casue harm to my close person to save someone from harm? Does the inequality in amount of harm make a difference?
Omg, this especially happens with my wife, I open her messages type out a reply and then don’t click send, and my wife just thinks that I am completely ignoring her, even though I responded, but I haven’t actually responded.
'Hoogmoed komt voor de val' is Dutch for 'pride comes before the fall' and I find it so interesting that it is a literal translation of the thing. Usually with sayings there are very different literal translations that have the same proverbial meaning.
It’s biblical so it makes sense that it’d just be a translation of the same verse
Context matters and communication is key for all of them!
Hi! For the insurance story, I just wanted to ask if there was confirmation that the wife was actually a white American as Shaaba assumed? Because, while I do understand that there will definitely still be cultural differences regardless, the US is a multicultural country, with many citizens being children or grandchildren of immigrants, or even immigrants themselves. So, while the cultural implications are still super important to consider, it’s also important to not generalise and perpetuate misconceptions of white Americans being the only possible option. To be American does not necessarily equate to being white. Anyway, you’re both doing great! 🥰✨
39:40 I think their point is that it’s not supposed to be the purpose of a policy.
5:34 I mean Joffrey was a short king cuz he was an actual child 😂🤣
1st op has money and status issues, but friend also an a*hole. Being totally honest, I wouldn't date shorter than me (purely from my own insecurities because I am wider than most of the guys) but wouldn't date this one because of his views on service workers.
Silent Sally: Your Brother-in-Law's fiance is prospective family. Your partner's mother's dying wish was to keep the family together, not to cultivate and excuse abuse, which ultimately kills your family bond. It's now your partner's job AND your Brother-in-Law's job to hold each other accountable and prevent abuse within your family. PROTECT each other from your antics. The fiance and her daughter deserve to know what they are getting into and your partner should back you up in confronting first the Brother-in-Law, then in informing the fiance and her daughter.
Re leaving texts on read: I think that having instant messaging available all the time has really seemed to create the idea that responding quickly is better. This seems to be in both personal and work life (and particularly seems to encourage not giving people time away from work). It's almost like because you can, you should.
I personally prefer to answer messages when I'm in the frame of mind to speak to that person about whatever that topic is. Sometimes this means leaving messages on read because I do like to check it's nothing that is legitimately time sensitive. That's just my personal preference and if someone prefers answering straight away it's not inherently better or worse.
I think I don't really see it as a big deal to leave a message as read.
As someone who is short that type of jokes comes out all the time. Not sure why Shaaba thinks something OP said before hand for that joke to be brought up. Almost always that type of shit is the first jokes people make about you, even strangers
👏Generational Trama 👏
Frick this and we all have to work to try and end or lessen this as much as we can.
Shaaba, just because someone is American doesn't mean they are white. x.x
Ik this is off topic but your podcast put a smile on face today and today royally sucked thanks for light hearted laughter. I found out my cousin passed away and then a hour later my grandpa passed
Condolences!
@@SharylLacroix thank you
When I start sending messages with friends, I always tell them at the start that I am terrible at giving replies and will likely often leave them on read- but not to be mean, just because I forget. A couple friends do the same as me. Usually I'll reply in a day or two so it's often not as if I keep them waiting much. Especially if something is time sensitive I make an effort to be fast.
There have been times when we didn't message each other for weeks, and we've gotten to the point where we both stop apologizing and just pick up where we left off or start something new.
I personally super appreciate this, keep looking for people who use similar communication style 😁 it's a great aspect of friendships, bit of a make-or-break kind of topic imo!
for the life insurance policy i feel like what's not sitting right with me about the husband is how 1. yeah he's kinda just told OP what he wants to do and doesn't seem to want to compromise or discuss anything (which is weird bc OP will be helping to pay for that policy). but 2. it sounds like he's been really laying into OP just bc OP has some misgivings about this and needs time to think about/organise their feelings. Like some of the stuff OP said that husband said to them is just .... not okay. like OP and husband need to sit down and discuss the policy properly so OP can explain what they've explained in their post here, about yk the future and other children and mum not needing 1.5m if she's super old etc etc. so like i think the husband is more the drama than OP here because it honestly just sounds like OP needed time to process what was happening and the husband immediately jumped to being offended about OP not being 100% on board with it. like maybe it's a cultural thing bc he feels like he has to look after his parents, etc, but that doesn't make it okay to attack ur partner bc they're not 100% agreeing with you over a decision that affects BOTH of you and your children.