I am a nuclear physicist whom you could say has found much of what he has read about psychology less than convincing (the British call this "understatement"). However, when I discovered the books by Berne in the 80s I was surprised. He described situations analogous to many I actually saw every day. I was hooked. Thus, whilst I like the review by this commentator, and accept that society has changed and many of the specific games Berne describes are likely out of date, I believe the basic premise is sound. As an example, I used to have two people who rang me up every week with a list of problems, but always had reasons why my solutions wouldn't work (a male physicist always has to provide a solution). After reading the book by Berne, I realized that we were playing "Yes, but..." which wasted my time and annoyed me, and so I used Berne's techniques to stop playing. This made me feel much better, even if initially it surprised my callers. Some of the examples may now be out of date, but others have stood the test of time. Try telling a teenage daughter how to dress and you will see what I mean. Thus, I would still strongly recommend reading the book, as well as the one about Transactional Analysis. I think that Berne had several insights which for many people will strike a chord.
Let's take your example: Someone is telling you about their problems, but they reject all advice you offer. All Berne can give you here is the idea that the other person is merely messing with you, and that you should "quit the game", thus ending the conversation. If you use, for example, Schulz von Thun's models instead, you could come to the understanding that the other person's appeal isn't for you to solve their problem, but for your understanding and compassion. You could provide that using, for example, Carl Roger's technique of active listening. Thus you could end the conversation in a way that both you and the other person feel good about.
Most people don’t know who Berne is yet alone other psychiatrists. So it is hard to explain what technique a layman should use. Most of what Berne says is intuitive though so you don’t really have to study it but people will choose comfort over any change in dynamic or what he calls scripts behavior.
@michaellee7436 Well, expecting change is a whole new ballgame. As I was told, anyone who tells you change is easy (or even possible) is either a management consultant, a liar, or both!
@SoftSkillsEnglish This is a valid point. Someone playing "yes, but" may in fact not want a solution so much as empathy. Here there may be a difference in gender (see Why men never listen...). Men are more likely to want a solution, whereas women may just want a someone to listen (in my experience).
Most of us are aware at least at the emotional level that all interactions are transactions within a role framework...but understanding the framework, it's codependancy and in relation to drama triangle and beliefs knowing how to move around the frame is often a complete mystery. Thanks for this video..now subscribed
Thank you for your explanation. I try to read the book but could not understand it very well. But I found this video very helpful, message is clear and not too shallow, thanks!
I think often people love a certain thing about somebody (partner)yet over time it turns out something that person hates,I do think we play games with ourselves and have no idea.
It is difficult to incorporate Transactional Analysis into our thinking . . . but if we are able to do it successfully we will find our world changing exponentially ! ! !
Welcome to the channel!🙂 I'm glad to hear it's helpful to you! Is there something in particular that works well for you, or that you would like to recommend to others?
Most people don’t want change. And if you try to tell them how to change they will likely not like you. So this makes it less likely that people will adopt your view but you can still adopt techniques from Berne
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! 🙂 My edition is from 2016, so the anniversary edition is probably newer. It shouldn't make a difference in regard to the content.
Interesting 😊thank you… please continue with more recent books that you find relevant & may summarize past theories. What do you think about the book ATTACHED ? by A. Levine & R. Heller ? For example . Best wishes ❤
Thanks you! 😀 I haven't read Attached yet, but I've added the book to my reading list. If you are interested in relationship dynamics, the video about the Riemann-Thomann-model might be interesting for you: th-cam.com/video/Co7nuyYevEc/w-d-xo.html "Anxiously attached" and "avoidant attached" from the book sound very similar to what can be explained using the model.
Often women bring up problems especially to their husband aren't wanting their problems fixed by them, they are just verbalising so you understand or are aware...allowing them time/support and the headspace to work through it themselves. Talking helps women think about or understand problems as they explain them to another. The man feels he ought to be fixing things, feels if he can offer advice or fix it he should, he feels strong loving and supportive by taking charge in doing so...women aren't thinking that way during that transaction, she just wants wants to be heard...his responses make her feel she's not being heard/understood and now is feeling forced into position that could damage the man's ego by rejecting and she has feelings of annoyance that it'snow focused on his ego not her need. Literally talking at crossed purposes both feel like they've lost and irked/ignored by the other. All she wanted was was "How so?" Or "tell me about it" followed by "that sounds difficult, I'm sure you're going to come up with a good way through that, I'll take the kids out if you want while you work on it. If you think I can help just tell me what I can do to help" That will make her feel capable and supported at the same time as demanding she speaks clearly and precisely if she wants practical help/advice and in what way. He hasn't moved from adult to child/parent role by responding to her initial statement that way...but asking her to be clear whether or not she wants help. Men generally prefer clear instructions or requests over having to guess. Women rarely want to ask for or say anything directly but want the other person to make the choice themselves to do the thing. Eg "your hair is a bit messy" means "Go brush your hair/ get a haircut" "I have a problem." Means this is MY problem to fix I'm just telling you about it. " I've got this problem what would you do? " means I'm looking for YOUR advice to consider in MY solution. "I've got a problem and I've no idea what to do about it." Means I really want your help, you know me/how busy I am well enough that I feel can't deal with this (in a timely manner). Please offer to fix it for me. Or she may have noticed you at a loose end and wants to give you something satisfying to accomplish.
You describe some common and interesting problems of communication there. I don't think gender is such an important aspect here, though - the issue of undesired advice might as well come up, for example, between a younger and an older person. If you want to pursue this issue further, the work of Carl Rogers (Active Listening), Thomas Gordon (Communication Roadblocks) and Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolend Communication) should be intersting - I only have a video about the latter so far, though. For topics such as the messy hair (a statement that is actually primarily an appeal), Schulz von Thun's four sides of a message might be helpful.
I think T.A. got abandoned because there was a branch of it that used it's principals to cure schizophrenia thru a type of adult re-parenting. It was a terrible scandal and T.A. seems to have never fully recovered. The work of Karpmann with his drama triangle has advanced T.A. and I consider it the best mode of psychological analysis and has some cross over with sociology. The fact that the practice of psychology is 'a game' might be why it is not used in clinical practice. My opinion is not very well informed and I am open to learning more about why Eric Berne isn't a household name as I believe he should be.
Welcome to the channel! 🙂 I didn't know about the scandal you mentioned. A brief search turned up the name Jaqui Lee Schiff, is she one of those you're referring to? I'll look into it when I have some time, and I'll also look into Karpman's drama triangle. During the search, I also noticed there is a book from 2020 "Transactional Analysis of Schizophrenia: The Naked Self", by Zefiro Mellacqua. Do you know how this one fits in?
Do you refer to the book or the video? If it's about the book, I guess we have to take into account that it is rather old, so the language is a bit dated.
Welcome to the channel! 🙂 Thanks for the suggestion, I've added the book to my list of topic ideas. At the moment there are no plans for another review of an Eric Berne book, though.
I haven’t found or bought the beyond games and scripts yet but it sounds like he talks about this in what do you do after you say hello. He basically tells you what a script is in this book, while his other book focuses on games. Sex in human loving illustrates the drama triangle nicely even though he doesn’t get credit for discovering it. He talks about games related to sex. It is far more common for games to be played in the sex arena than to actually be loving or what he calls intimacy. This is basically unheard of even with people who have children. It is basically a relationship where people give each other strokes without feeling the need to take advantage of or power play each other. This is an impossible relationship at work or even to have with someone you share finances with. It seems intimacy is easier to obtain with strangers than with people you spend the most time with, this is where games prevail.
thx for your kindly reaction, I have listened your recording again and now I had no problem in understanding your goals and also i found different examples in it ! I already look forward to your next recording.
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![⭐️( ลอยกระทง 2024 ) Ver. แดนซ์ Remix BY [ ดีเจกิต รีมิกซ์ ]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/rMWOLhgXUHc/mqdefault.jpg)
I am a nuclear physicist whom you could say has found much of what he has read about psychology less than convincing (the British call this "understatement"). However, when I discovered the books by Berne in the 80s I was surprised. He described situations analogous to many I actually saw every day. I was hooked.
Thus, whilst I like the review by this commentator, and accept that society has changed and many of the specific games Berne describes are likely out of date, I believe the basic premise is sound. As an example, I used to have two people who rang me up every week with a list of problems, but always had reasons why my solutions wouldn't work (a male physicist always has to provide a solution). After reading the book by Berne, I realized that we were playing "Yes, but..." which wasted my time and annoyed me, and so I used Berne's techniques to stop playing. This made me feel much better, even if initially it surprised my callers.
Some of the examples may now be out of date, but others have stood the test of time. Try telling a teenage daughter how to dress and you will see what I mean. Thus, I would still strongly recommend reading the book, as well as the one about Transactional Analysis. I think that Berne had several insights which for many people will strike a chord.
Let's take your example: Someone is telling you about their problems, but they reject all advice you offer. All Berne can give you here is the idea that the other person is merely messing with you, and that you should "quit the game", thus ending the conversation. If you use, for example, Schulz von Thun's models instead, you could come to the understanding that the other person's appeal isn't for you to solve their problem, but for your understanding and compassion. You could provide that using, for example, Carl Roger's technique of active listening. Thus you could end the conversation in a way that both you and the other person feel good about.
Most people don’t know who Berne is yet alone other psychiatrists. So it is hard to explain what technique a layman should use. Most of what Berne says is intuitive though so you don’t really have to study it but people will choose comfort over any change in dynamic or what he calls scripts behavior.
@michaellee7436 Well, expecting change is a whole new ballgame. As I was told, anyone who tells you change is easy (or even possible) is either a management consultant, a liar, or both!
@SoftSkillsEnglish This is a valid point. Someone playing "yes, but" may in fact not want a solution so much as empathy. Here there may be a difference in gender (see Why men never listen...). Men are more likely to want a solution, whereas women may just want a someone to listen (in my experience).
Most of us are aware at least at the emotional level that all interactions are transactions within a role framework...but understanding the framework, it's codependancy and in relation to drama triangle and beliefs knowing how to move around the frame is often a complete mystery. Thanks for this video..now subscribed
Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked it! Welcome to the channel 🙂
This was the best analysis of the book I've watched on TH-cam. Ty.
Thanks a lot, and welcome to the channel! 🙂
Just came across you video. Thank you man, I appreciate it! Got loads of value from it. I am considering getting the book soon!
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! Hope you'll enjoy the book!
Thank you for your explanation.
I try to read the book but could not understand it very well.
But I found this video very helpful, message is clear and not too shallow, thanks!
Thanks, I'm glad the video was helpful to you! Welcome to the channel! 🙂
I saw the book and tried to understand but I couldn't. Thank you for making things simple enough for me to understand
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! I'm glad the video was helpful to you 🙂
First two or three chapters are confusing. After that I'm positive that," You will enjoy the reading!
Glad it wasn’t just me who couldn’t understand it.
I think often people love a certain thing about somebody (partner)yet over time it turns out something that person hates,I do think we play games with ourselves and have no idea.
Welcome to the channel 🙂
I'm not sure I understood your comment - could you give me an example?
Thorough review. Great job 👍. 🙏
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! 🙂
It is difficult to incorporate Transactional Analysis into our thinking . . .
but if we are able to do it successfully we will find our world changing exponentially ! ! !
Welcome to the channel!🙂
I'm glad to hear it's helpful to you! Is there something in particular that works well for you, or that you would like to recommend to others?
@@SoftSkillsEnglish
Like driving a car T/A can cover a lot of ground very quickly . . .
once it becomes part of your subconscious ! ! !
Most people don’t want change. And if you try to tell them how to change they will likely not like you. So this makes it less likely that people will adopt your view but you can still adopt techniques from Berne
Excellent summary, thank you.
Glad you like it! Welcome to the channel 🙂
Just ordered it on amazon but the one I got has not the same cover as your.
it say anniversary edition.
Thanks for reviewing this book.
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! 🙂
My edition is from 2016, so the anniversary edition is probably newer. It shouldn't make a difference in regard to the content.
Interesting 😊thank you… please continue with more recent books that you find relevant & may summarize past theories. What do you think about the book ATTACHED ? by A. Levine & R. Heller ? For example . Best wishes ❤
Thanks you! 😀
I haven't read Attached yet, but I've added the book to my reading list. If you are interested in relationship dynamics, the video about the Riemann-Thomann-model might be interesting for you:
th-cam.com/video/Co7nuyYevEc/w-d-xo.html
"Anxiously attached" and "avoidant attached" from the book sound very similar to what can be explained using the model.
Often women bring up problems especially to their husband aren't wanting their problems fixed by them, they are just verbalising so you understand or are aware...allowing them time/support and the headspace to work through it themselves. Talking helps women think about or understand problems as they explain them to another.
The man feels he ought to be fixing things, feels if he can offer advice or fix it he should, he feels strong loving and supportive by taking charge in doing so...women aren't thinking that way during that transaction, she just wants wants to be heard...his responses make her feel she's not being heard/understood and now is feeling forced into position that could damage the man's ego by rejecting and she has feelings of annoyance that it'snow focused on his ego not her need. Literally talking at crossed purposes both feel like they've lost and irked/ignored by the other.
All she wanted was was "How so?" Or "tell me about it"
followed by "that sounds difficult, I'm sure you're going to come up with a good way through that, I'll take the kids out if you want while you work on it. If you think I can help just tell me what I can do to help"
That will make her feel capable and supported at the same time as demanding she speaks clearly and precisely if she wants practical help/advice and in what way. He hasn't moved from adult to child/parent role by responding to her initial statement that way...but asking her to be clear whether or not she wants help.
Men generally prefer clear instructions or requests over having to guess. Women rarely want to ask for or say anything directly but want the other person to make the choice themselves to do the thing.
Eg "your hair is a bit messy" means "Go brush your hair/ get a haircut"
"I have a problem." Means this is MY problem to fix I'm just telling you about it.
" I've got this problem what would you do? "
means I'm looking for YOUR advice to consider in MY solution.
"I've got a problem and I've no idea what to do about it."
Means I really want your help, you know me/how busy I am well enough that I feel can't deal with this (in a timely manner). Please offer to fix it for me.
Or she may have noticed you at a loose end and wants to give you something satisfying to accomplish.
You describe some common and interesting problems of communication there. I don't think gender is such an important aspect here, though - the issue of undesired advice might as well come up, for example, between a younger and an older person. If you want to pursue this issue further, the work of Carl Rogers (Active Listening), Thomas Gordon (Communication Roadblocks) and Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolend Communication) should be intersting - I only have a video about the latter so far, though. For topics such as the messy hair (a statement that is actually primarily an appeal), Schulz von Thun's four sides of a message might be helpful.
Great book review
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! 🙂
A good summary. Thanks
Welcome to the channel! Glad you liked it 🙂
Thanks for the review, I agree the foundations are hugely outdated!
Thanks, and welcome to the channel! 🙂
Probably. But I haven’t found someone with a better system for learning about people
I like this guy (the TH-camr not the author)
Thanks a lot! Welcome to the channel 🙂
I think T.A. got abandoned because there was a branch of it that used it's principals to cure schizophrenia thru a type of adult re-parenting. It was a terrible scandal and T.A. seems to have never fully recovered. The work of Karpmann with his drama triangle has advanced T.A. and I consider it the best mode of psychological analysis and has some cross over with sociology. The fact that the practice of psychology is 'a game' might be why it is not used in clinical practice. My opinion is not very well informed and I am open to learning more about why Eric Berne isn't a household name as I believe he should be.
Welcome to the channel! 🙂
I didn't know about the scandal you mentioned. A brief search turned up the name Jaqui Lee Schiff, is she one of those you're referring to? I'll look into it when I have some time, and I'll also look into Karpman's drama triangle. During the search, I also noticed there is a book from 2020 "Transactional Analysis of Schizophrenia: The Naked Self", by Zefiro Mellacqua. Do you know how this one fits in?
I found it hard to follow. The writing style is very clinical.
Do you refer to the book or the video? If it's about the book, I guess we have to take into account that it is rather old, so the language is a bit dated.
@@SoftSkillsEnglish The book. Charles Manson studied the book btw. Part of his teachings. Yes, it is old.
Now discuss his books,
-Beyond Games and Scripts
-Sex in Human Loving
Welcome to the channel! 🙂
Thanks for the suggestion, I've added the book to my list of topic ideas. At the moment there are no plans for another review of an Eric Berne book, though.
@@SoftSkillsEnglish boo, I'll pay
I haven’t found or bought the beyond games and scripts yet but it sounds like he talks about this in what do you do after you say hello. He basically tells you what a script is in this book, while his other book focuses on games. Sex in human loving illustrates the drama triangle nicely even though he doesn’t get credit for discovering it. He talks about games related to sex. It is far more common for games to be played in the sex arena than to actually be loving or what he calls intimacy. This is basically unheard of even with people who have children. It is basically a relationship where people give each other strokes without feeling the need to take advantage of or power play each other. This is an impossible relationship at work or even to have with someone you share finances with. It seems intimacy is easier to obtain with strangers than with people you spend the most time with, this is where games prevail.
I read the book i understood like 60%😢
Don't worry, it's not a very easy book to read. Especially considering the content and language is a bit dated. I hope the video helped a bit 🙂
Rather difficult matter ... the examples you refer to are not quite clear.
Welcome to the channel! 🙂
Could you give me an example? Maybe I can help.
thx for your kindly reaction, I have listened your recording again and now I had no problem in understanding your goals and also i found different examples in it ! I already look forward to your next recording.
All work places are toxic and it's part and parcel. However, when gov't pple start abusing power for personal interest, it's NOT okay!
Welcome to the channel! 🙂
If you learn to edit videos, they will be shorter and you'll not need to record yourself drinking water.
Welcome to the channel! 🙂