I had a breakthrough in my marriage after 20 years. I finally realized that we all have chores to do during the week.... sure. my wife has twenty five things on her to do list. I have twenty five things on my to do list. As each one of us go down our list, starting with the most important things first... We both assume that the other person is just as excited to see us get these things done as we are excited to get them done. We will typically start at the top and get the most critical things done first. But of course, it's almost never going to be the case that we are able to get all the way to the 25th item. So there are things that will never get done. The problem in marriage is that my top priority is not necessarily something. My wife believes is a top priority. I might think that giving the dog a Bath is more important than fixing the dishwasher. I might never get to the dishwasher. My wife might believe that the dishwasher is the most important thing. So instead of her being happy that I got fifteen things done on my list... She resents the fact that I didn't fix the dishwasher and that I prioritized other things which she believed were not important. The best example of this is sex. My wife viewed our sex life as maybe number twenty three or twenty four. So she wouldn't understand why I was upset that we didn't get to it. "Don't you appreciate the fact that I got twenty things done?" "No! I'm upset that it was more important to you that you vacuum the car out, rather than spend alone time with me! Again!" She didn't really seem to understand that for me, it was in the top three. That it was more important than almost anything else. Likewise, she was upset that I would prioritize it above. Something that she believed was really important. Like fixing the dishwasher. This would be a reason NOT to have sex, according to her. What we finally did was that we sat down and made a list of our things that needed to get done this week. And as best as we could, we would prioritize them. At that point, we agreed to resolve the list... By going through it according to the list the other spouse makes. So if I had sex as number three... My wife would make sure that it was the third thing done on her list (generslly) If fixing the dishwasher was her top priority, I would make sure it was the first thing I did (generally) The whole purpose of getting the list on is to please our spouse anyway. So what good is it if it's not accomplishing its goal? Our marriage changed overnight. We never had a terrible marriage but neither of us was super happy. And it really just came down to communication. both of us worked very hard at our lists. It also helped my wife understand that sex wasn't just something to be treated as "a bonus". She understands that to me it's every bit as important as making sure I get to work on time. So it's on the list... Twice a week. (Far fewer times than emptying the dishwasher, folding the laundry, or picking up dog crap from the yard.) That being said, we also decided to schedule it on a specific day 2x per week. She started by thinking it wasn't romantic to do it like that. But we quickly realized that if we both knew when it was going to be, we could each plan around it and be prepared. Like anything else in our busy family, it has to be scheduled. Otherwise, it just won't find a satisfactory place in our schedule. It's been great. We have been doing this now for about 2 years. And every day, our marriage is better than the day before.
mashallah great work
Keep it up
I had a breakthrough in my marriage after 20 years. I finally realized that we all have chores to do during the week.... sure. my wife has twenty five things on her to do list. I have twenty five things on my to do list. As each one of us go down our list, starting with the most important things first... We both assume that the other person is just as excited to see us get these things done as we are excited to get them done. We will typically start at the top and get the most critical things done first. But of course, it's almost never going to be the case that we are able to get all the way to the 25th item. So there are things that will never get done.
The problem in marriage is that my top priority is not necessarily something. My wife believes is a top priority.
I might think that giving the dog a Bath is more important than fixing the dishwasher.
I might never get to the dishwasher. My wife might believe that the dishwasher is the most important thing. So instead of her being happy that I got fifteen things done on my list... She resents the fact that I didn't fix the dishwasher and that I prioritized other things which she believed were not important.
The best example of this is sex.
My wife viewed our sex life as maybe number twenty three or twenty four. So she wouldn't understand why I was upset that we didn't get to it.
"Don't you appreciate the fact that I got twenty things done?"
"No! I'm upset that it was more important to you that you vacuum the car out, rather than spend alone time with me! Again!"
She didn't really seem to understand that for me, it was in the top three. That it was more important than almost anything else.
Likewise, she was upset that I would prioritize it above. Something that she believed was really important. Like fixing the dishwasher. This would be a reason NOT to have sex, according to her.
What we finally did was that we sat down and made a list of our things that needed to get done this week. And as best as we could, we would prioritize them.
At that point, we agreed to resolve the list... By going through it according to the list the other spouse makes.
So if I had sex as number three... My wife would make sure that it was the third thing done on her list (generslly)
If fixing the dishwasher was her top priority, I would make sure it was the first thing I did (generally)
The whole purpose of getting the list on is to please our spouse anyway. So what good is it if it's not accomplishing its goal?
Our marriage changed overnight. We never had a terrible marriage but neither of us was super happy. And it really just came down to communication. both of us worked very hard at our lists.
It also helped my wife understand that sex wasn't just something to be treated as "a bonus". She understands that to me it's every bit as important as making sure I get to work on time.
So it's on the list... Twice a week. (Far fewer times than emptying the dishwasher, folding the laundry, or picking up dog crap from the yard.)
That being said, we also decided to schedule it on a specific day 2x per week.
She started by thinking it wasn't romantic to do it like that. But we quickly realized that if we both knew when it was going to be, we could each plan around it and be prepared. Like anything else in our busy family, it has to be scheduled. Otherwise, it just won't find a satisfactory place in our schedule. It's been great. We have been doing this now for about 2 years. And every day, our marriage is better than the day before.
Is 36 an old age to get married for a man?