90 Day Fiancé - (Brandon & Julia #39) - Dad Yelling - Therapist Reacts
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 มิ.ย. 2021
- Dr. Kirk Honda, couples therapist, reacts to 90 Day Fiancé - Brandon and Julia. Includes clips from 90 Day Fiancé, Happily Ever After? Season 6.
Therapist reaction to the reality television.
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#90DayFiancé #BrandonandJulia #PsychologyInSeattle - วิทยาศาสตร์และเทคโนโลยี
"You're not prepared!", yells the parent that was responsible for preparing him. Their help is a means of control. They'll help him do what they want him to do (stay on the farm forever) but they could have been helping him to establish his own life. They won't do that, though, because Brandon's independence threatens their dynamic of control and dependence.
Yesss! Say it louder for the people in the back!!! 🙌🏼👏🏻 very well said
💯💯
Lol, my dad did this to me. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to handle money?!” Um, you are literally one of the two people in the universe who was supposed to teach me how to handle money. So, yeah, no. He got so pissed at me for telling that truth.
@@valerieurban I was told "You break everything I give you" Well, I was never taught what to do with anything he gave me.
The sick thing is...these high control people...they will suck you dry...Forever, and then what, when you die when youre 84 the 60 year old person is still supposed to be helpless with no self-esteem? Like what selfish assholes. 🙄
At no point did the dad come across like he was hoping his son would figure it out, it felt like he was actively discouraging his son from succeeding.
This episode gave me a new empathy towards Brandon. His parents are HEAVY 👁👁
Totally agree. I always thought he was just a wimp but Dr. Honda nailed it explaining that this must have been going on Brandon’s life. Sad
I always felt bad for Brandon, because as someone with parents like these... it's very difficult to establish boundaries and obtain some sense of independence, competence, and freedom. :')
@@kelleytorres2899 Brandon IS a bit of a Mooch, but I had parents like that and it's just wrong.
Abusive dad - holy hell
I feel bad for Brandon being put down like that. It’s awful to watch a single episode of it, I can’t imagine being treated like that since childhood
Makes me grateful that my parents were supportive of me going off on my own.
I can...I feel for Brandon.
I can, because I was.
Same Beth. I’m sorry Gunnhild and Rick that you experienced that. No one deserves being treated like that. Take care
@@kiyoko0903 Thanks
For all the Brandons out there reading this: don’t allow the limits others place on themselves (and try to place on you) to hinder you and your goals.
If only it were so easy.
@@katerineella274 the statement didn’t imply that it was going to be easy. Get use to the fact that life is hard work
He has a job & they’re not even charging him rent! As soon as I was 16 & had a job, eventho still in HS, I paid rent! Plus any extras I needed. They were done paying my way & it taught me how to manage my $$ & although at the time I thought it totally unfair, I learned in time, it was a great learning experience & I had no fear when I became an adult, to live & know what to do in RL
@@celestialdragon3989 wow you weren’t resentful paying rent at 16??
@@celestialdragon3989 I'll never understand how Americans make their kids pay rent. That shit is NUTS to the rest of the world
His parents are terrifying…
Both of them are scared, so they attack their son when he wants to grow.
Maybe, they could teach their son instead of telling him he can’t do it.
They trigger me so much 🥴
I still wish we could see his siblings. I keep wondering if their mom supported the kind of abusive behavior from the dad.
@@tardigrade312 the fact that we NEVER see or even hear a mention about his siblings says a lot! They probably got as far away from the parents as possible!
@@lagomorph770 I agree with that for sure.
Yeah. Give them a place to live. Pay the bills. Gave us a party....terrifying
the mom was NOT trying to scale the dad back, she was saying, let’s let them do it, he’ll come crawling back because he’s incompetent 🙄 he needs us
That’s her way of deescalating him while still being on his side.
Yeah Betty wasn't doing any kind of scaling. She was just adding more spite but in a different way.
Yep
This. It's a sort of sarcasm that actually escalates the situation.
i read it as her trying to scale him back, but only for the purpose of not looking too too bad on camera. i think they got a lot of heat in the last season of brandon and julia for their behavior
I think the worst thing a parent say to their child, to completely undermine them, is 'Don't come to me for help'. Awful 😔 I can remember my dad saying that to me. Any help IF it came, was minimal to teach me some kind of lesson. It just told me that no one would be there for me. Luckily, with counselling, I realised I was always there for myself 😊
Good for you!!
Were you a pain in the ass though?
@@garysanders8350 Troll
Well done you 🙂✨.
@@nicky132 troll watcher
The aggressiveness is so out of order but what’s most troubling to me is how he’s putting his own son down as if he were completely useless. Gosh he’s such a bug person
It's really hard to see parents like Ron encourage their kids' failure, like they're looking and hoping for their kids to not succeed in life for their own selfish needs. It's difficult to feel empathy for parents who ruin their kids' lives because of their own unresolved issues.
This is my mother.
@@TheIngridjoseph - I am so sorry. In case you haven't heard this much - and I'm quoting Dr. Honda here - _You are a competent person_ . ❤
The dad is a real piece of work. Why the hell would he want to stay there? He’s trying to bully Brandon into staying at home and telling him he can’t hack it in the real world, and doesn’t realize that it says a lot about him as a parent. If he is incompetent it’s your fault. You raised him dude.
And the dad makes it seem like the only way for Brandon and Julia to express their gratitude for living there is for them to stay home. Why is he so offended by the possibility of them moving out? They can say thank you and still want to do their own thing.
They took joy in his failure of trying to move out previously - what sick aholes
@@lagomorph770 And it was 5 years ago- everyone messes up when they're 22 with something.
Well considering the father's wounded experience, none of his adult kids from previous marriages want to be around him, or be at the farm, he changed up his game and smothered Brandon to have a son stay around. Now their dreams of having Brandon running the farm with wife and grandkids is vanishing....he must be so disappointed. Now we're his dreams realistic? No....but if Brandon didn't pick Julia it might have resulted in a closer fit. So emotions rise.
Bull crap. They can leave. But no they wanna leave when its convenient for them. Dont bite the hand that feeds you yet keep coming back for food
They keep selling this idea of running the farm. But it is not a farm that supports them so they can not work other jobs. It is really only a hobby farm. I think they use it as a device or do not have a realistic concept of it.
As someone who grew up with somewhat controlling parents (not quite on the level of Brandon’s) they did not treat me like an adult until after I moved out of the house. Once we had some space and boundaries between us my relationship with my parents got much better. Now I enjoy visiting and spending time with them.
Same, it went better went I moved out 👍🙏
I grew up with parents who are very similar to Ron & Betty. The hardest thing to explain to people was this behaviour is what happened whenever I tried to differentiate. People don’t see this side of parents like this. Moving out on my own was a problem, getting a dog of my own was a problem etc etc. The intimidation is real, and it takes a lot of therapy & practicing boundary setting when this is how you grow up.
I’m sorry you experienced that.
My father is like this. If I have a plan or a goal or even an achievement I keep it to myself. He will always find a way to talk me out of it or credit himself for the achievement. As a result I constantly have to talk myself into things because I have this instilled fear that holds me back
yep. my mom got mad when I put organ donor on my license because "I didnt consult her". on my own body.
If the parents think Brandon is so incompetent to live on his own, why would they think he would be competent to run a farm? I think that the parents are feeling like Brandon is rejecting them by not wanting to run/live on the farm.
Great point!
agreed!!!! also you have a beautiful name
@@savannayj839 thanks 😊
Yeah Ron and Betty are jerks. I almost understand their fixation on Brandon and the farm, though. They put years of blood, sweat and tears into buying that property and always dreamed of creating a family homestead/ family property, they could pass on to their children and their grandchildren. Brandon, of course has his own life to lead, and family property isn’t part of it. Good parents would do their best to accept that disappointment gracefully. Ron and Betty are not good parents
I know this is your point, but I lived with parents like this so I wanted to use it as a jumping off point. They don't actually think he's incompetent, but they use Brandon's "incompetence" as a tool to prevent the dad from dealing with his own discomfort around losing control. They belittle and abuse in order to keep everyone in line. It's most often seen in girls, but boys do receive it as well. Physical abuse can also happen.
I don't think this is the first time Betty has had to "hold Ron back" like she does as he gets out of his chair in this scene. This guy + the porch + wine glass = i always tense up now
Their kitchen table has a full bar all the time too.
yep he's definitely a major boozer
Ron is my father when he’s mellowed out. At 30 years old my dad literally said the phrase “when you’re adult” to me. I had to stop right there. I have to emotionally prepare to be in his presence
I hope you have moved out x
Snow flake
@@garysanders8350 Troll
ugh this hurt. same
Bless you. X
This scene was so hard to watch. Ron is my dad. Having someone tear you down over and over is exhausting, painful and confusing. Its always worse in private. Any boundary is ripped apart. I don't know if its my dads way to exert power over me or the only way he knows to express concern. Its confusing and hurts me. My therapist has tried to show me he probably has his own unresolved traumas.
Or maybe annoyed that his son takes everything for granted
Yes it's extremely exhausting and I'm sorry you had to go through that..I went through that as well with my stepfather I had no self esteem at all..
@@garysanders8350 haaaaaa by all the many comments you are leaving on his video gotta guess this is actually Brandon’s creepy dad. 🤪
@@maurameadesperry1715 poor guy. Why you call him creepy?
Honey I'm certain your father has unresolved traumas‐you must have a good therapist. When I decided to become a therapist my southern Baptist father told me that if people would just go to church and pray that they wouldn't need therapy--but you can see why I needed to resolve my own issues. It took a long time but I learned (not from him, but from family lore) how traumatizing his own childhood must have been). It wasn't easy but his legacy no longer controls me, and you seem to be on a good path. "Forgiveness" doesn't just happen until one day it hits you that we don't all express love in the same way and we truly do, as the cliche goes, do the best we can until we can do better. Some people don't do better, but you can. And without guilt
They are also lumping Julia in the whole incompetent thing, with “They don’t understand…” etc. I also don’t like Betty’s tone with the whole “Let’s let them do it.” They don’t need your permission to move out. 😒
They could also stop behaving like brats
From what Julia said about her life she had been living on her own. At least that's what I understood.
right Julia had a job and her own apartment in russia..like wtf
@@garysanders8350 ok grandpa
@@garysanders8350 How exactly are they acting like brats?
I don't find the Dad intimidating. I see through his bravado. But I do think he's being a jackass. He's been using this technique to hold down his son for too long.
If you're told your whole life you're incapable you might start to believe it.
At least it seems like Brandon is showing signs of speaking up which is more than can be said for the start of their season.
Oh I agree that being treated a certain way can lead you to believe something is true and then you start to act accordingly. It can end up being a self fulfilling prophecy. I remember Dr. Phil saying: "We get in life the results we think we deserve."
Absolutely right
It may have been more than just emotional abuse. When he gets all hype and starts yelling, he always looks like he is about to advance toward Brandon. He looks like he gets so enraged. And the mom, knows to hold him back like she always does. Her reaction is so quick like she already knows what can happen. Probably so he won't do it on camera. So so sad.
won't get paid by TLC if he hits Brandon!
@@lagomorph770 Umm-hmm. And again what's sad about that is, he looks so enraged that that wouldn't even cross his mind, he would still do it if the mom wouldn't keep holding him back.
@@palithaolden8214I can't even watch the whole thing, it's so triggering!
@@lagomorph770 I understand. It seems so illogical for him to get so riled up over this. That is a 30 year old man. He is ridiculous. It's about control because if it wasn't and he just thought he would get a rude awakening, he would just let Brandon& Julia find out for themselves & be done with it. Like my dad said "he has to start somewhere!!"
It is sad and imagine what he does off camera if he does that on camera
It's sad and baffling that those parents are reveling in the fact that they've set the groundwork for their 28-year-old son to have zero life skills. He's never paid rent on an apartment, yet they want him to eventually leap to managing the finances of a large "working farm" (or puppy mill as it's been suggested)?
Notice how the mom has to stop the dad with her hand
I noticed that too...it made me wonder if Ron has been physically abusive.
My own dad is like this, but x10000 with low-key physical abuse as well (chasing people, cornering them, holding them down, slamming doors, throwing things). When he gets angry he loses all control, and keeps going until you're completely destroyed. And then scoffs at you for crying. It's really validating to read these comments and see people recognize how scary and abusive Brandon's Dad's behaviour is. My dad always tries to make me believe I'm crazy for believing he's abusive, because he's never broken our bones or anything. And being told that has made me doubt my sanity and resiliency.
🤗🤗🤗
Whoa, your dad and my mum are like the same person! Right down to the scoffing when you start crying.
omg my mom was like that too like she had a delusion where none of her kids will move out and live with her forever. It just didnt make sense like me and my siblings were in our 30s. It was a weird fantasy world she was living in
It means the parent is not doing their main job as a parent. A parent's job is to nurture your kids and teach them to survive on their own and be responsible people.
Oh my BF's mom is like that I think. She makes him dependent, like not letting him cook, not letting him do household chores. When he wants to move out she is confronting him the expenses (he has a fulltime job btw and earnes above avarage). She makes him feel he cant do anything on his own and it frustates me so much
I like how she says the same "wish" every time, like we haven't heard her say it 100 times now...
I relate so much to Brandon in this case. My core beliefs that I can't change anything by speaking up so what's the point? I can't move out of the house because I am incompetent. And I am not really sure if its false or not. Because my past tells me the answer.
SAME! You aren't incompetent, they've just led you to believe that to keep you down & close to them!!! Have to ignore those negative thoughts, you've absorbed them over the years & it's yer go-to, make a new narrative of positive thoughts of yerself, things that make you a good person 😊
Parents r liars
For every person watching this who is horrified by the dad, I can only say, "Welcome to my childhood."
Sorry to hear that. You deserved better (as all of us with toxic families of origin did/do). ((Big hug))
@@shainesunny Thank you.
Sorry to hear that. My dad's like Ron too, using anger and rage to inflict fear on me to get what he wants. We will get through this. *sends virtual hug*
That dad actually scares me. He’s so aggressive!
I don't know, it doesn't seem normal to question your almost-30-year-old son's ability to live in their own with their wife.
It's NOT.
God this is exactly like conversations between me and my dad. Brandon handled himself very well by standing his ground. I would end up getting uncontrollably shakey and shutting down. When the conversation is over I leave feeling incompetent and full of shame. Thank you for discussing this topic.
I’m sorry you went through that kind of dynamic.
My parents were sceptical when I was 19 and moving abroad for uni and had no job lined up... this dude is 28, married, has a job and moves out to the nearest town 😅
"Uni"!...love that term!
Brandon also gains the resource of extra time when he moves out! He's said that he does farm work for like 4 hours a day, and even more on the weekends. If he uses that time to drive for a rideshare or something, they could live comfortably enough until Julia can work.
He could even use up those 'rideshare hours' on, lets say, one day a week to come out and visit them. "Look mom! you still haven't 'lost' your son."
Imagine being a gogo dancer one minute, then this herb takes you to America. Now you're arguing with these living headaches.
My mom is like this I had to cut her off for 2 years and I left one day into my first apartment. I got a loan from my work to put the deposit down and I was out of there. My mom is a hoarder and literally told me “good luck getting your stuff out.” Well I did and I’m out of there forever
I imagine that if Ron does it to Brandon he likely does it to Betty.
Ron doesn’t act like it bothers him to be an asshole 😔
It doesn't bother him....it's his normal state.
Major YIKES! I really have a lot more sympathy and compassion for Brandon after seeing his dad mistreat him so cruelly. When someone close to you treats you that way over a long time, it causes you to look beyond your victories and focus on your failures.
yea me too and I'm picturing ol Ron without the cameras around...and also...maybe Brandon never got serious with a girl before because they saw how his parents acted and headed for the hills. it would be a lot harder for Julia to leave. she moved there not knowing anything and ended up rooted.
So the Mum pushed back at first and was resentful when she felt that she wasn't recognised for what she and the Dad had given, and found it hard to acknowledge her disrespect of Brandon and Julia's boundaries. But then after the couple acknowledged her and the Dad's support and said thank you, the Mum calmed down and became more accepting and supportive of the couple becoming more indepdent and having their own space. But when the Mum did this, the Dad then jumped in and got angry and cruel, severely laying into Brandon, trying to destroy his confidence, and almost sounding as though he wanted the couple to fail.
This seems to be a pattern between the three of them. It appears to usually appears on the surface to be the Mum who has the most boundary issues, but then when her and Brandon manage to communicate in an at least a partially healthy way, she then realises that if he's going to become more independent anyway and that she can't stop this, then she'd rather have a positive relationship with him. When the Mum then allows Brandon to have more individuality in this way, in response the Dad blows up with anger and takes over the controlling behaviour in a more overtly agressive way. At that point the Mum appears to feel upset because she was trying to make things nice with her and Brandon, and then her source of upset becomes the Dad not allowing this to happen. And the Dad keeps on coming back to a sense of grief about not feeling appreciated or recognised for what he has given, which seems likely to be an echo of traumatic relationships in his past.
4:43. Incredible job Dr. Honda. I'm amazed at how skilled and talented of a therapist you are. You have been speculating this for several episodes. And without the parents saying it outright, you noticed it. Just incredible work!
brandon's dad was all like they don't know what it takes to keep them here... i mean you wanted a kid, right? you treat him like a child when he's almost 30 and then scold him for not having life experience? that's your work right there dad, you did that.
Ugh, this is so sad to watch. His parents are terrible. Brandon has a job, he has a new wife, and deserves to live his life and start a family anywhere he chooses. They should be encouraging him, not insulting and demeaning him.
I can relate to Brandon's life. I have this feeling if i ever got a gf, they would kick out my gf and find a girl for me that suits their standards.
Bug person = pest control or exterminator.
Ron scares me. He's so volatile and seems to be in control one moment and furious the next. I could see him being physically abusive as well as the obvious verbal and emotional abuse. No wonder Brandon is the way he is.
I actually got the feeling that Betty sweetly calming down Ron and saying "let's let 'em do it" in the way that she did was because she was also hoping for Brandon and Julia's failure, sort of like she happily realized her expectation that Brandon will fail and have to come back so what's the point in fighting about something that's going to turn out her way. She was really off too about crying that they've done so much to make Julia feel at home when Julia said they've felt like guests - of course Julia and Brandon feel like guests! They're around 28, they don't own his parents' home, they don't have the freedoms of living in their own house! It told me that Betty see them as children still who not only call their parents' house "home" but feel at home, too.
I suspect Brandon is a concept holding his parents' marriage together. If he's on on the farm, they both know they can focus on him instead of any marital problems. From what I understand this couple keeps very busy. Also, Brandon moving out = goodbye tax credits
Tax credits? How? Why? Please explain for the kon gringos watching! 🤣
WOOOOOOW Brandon’s dad really has flown off the handle I’m sure Brandon is more then capable of taking care of himself just fine!
This is almost the same family dynamic I have with my parents. It's awful. I moved around the globe; on the other side of the world and my dad still tries to find ways to be controlling and talking me down. I couldn't handle it alone anymore and I'm in therapy now.
I think that the mother and father need Brandon to be this way because they would be at each other's throats without him. Ganging up on him and Julia is a way to unite them in a way that they haven't been a in a while, if ever. Just speculation....
That's a really interesting perspective x
This reaction was so spot on. The fact that the mom said, "Let's let them do it", like what? It's not your decision. This was hard to watch because I have a dependency schema and my mom also has very poor boundaries. It has led me to believe I can be successful in my career and at grad school. Although I have done well in general, I am still not done with my dissertation 6 years later and a lot of it has to do with unlearning these beliefs.
This scene made me really sad for Brandon. It’s hard not to be empathetic towards him knowing this is probably what he’s been hearing his entire life.
Brandon and his parents here remind me of my boyfriend and his parents. My bf’s parents act almost exactly like Ron and Betty except - when my bf left home his parents actually physically assaulted him. I remember how they blamed me for his “change in behavior” and the “fucking up of their family” when it happened - it was very explosive and I know his parents are waiting for him to fail in the world and come crawling back after they have made literally every attempt to mentally stunt him like they did his siblings.
It’s been almost a year now since he left home, and I honestly pray Brandon gets the courage to leave too and stay gone.
“Happy and invasive!!” 😂😂😂
Brandon’s communication style is reflective of their own. Just as they bull doze over his wants without much reflection on his feelings, he seems to be exhibiting the same callousness towards them. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s what they modeled for him.
I love how incredibly bored he looks at their tantrums....he's SO used to it!
This is exactly my parents...word for word...I ended up living across the world away from them.
I'm curious to know if the parents reacted this way when Brandon moved out to live with his friend and how Brandon handled their opinions. Also, what kind of comments the parents made when he decided to move back in with them after two months. I can imagine the dad having a very "told you so" attitude.
Parent: “Do this thing! You’re an adult! You should be doing this thing by now!”
Also Parent: “You’ve never done this thing before! How are you going to manage to do this?! I’ve never seen you do this thing so I don’t believe you can do it!”
Definitely not based on a true story.
“A bug person” lol Dr. Honda is the best!
Yeah 😂
How bad must it hurt to know that your parents not only don't believe in you, but actively want you to fail just so they can prove they are right. They have tried in every way to cripple their adult child so he will forever need them. The father Ron is such a verbally abusive jerk. He belittles Brandon in hopes of breaking his spirit so Brandon doesn't even try for fear of failing.
I know it won't solve all of his problems but man, I hope Brandon gets away from this situation! Some distance from the parents would hopefully give him some perspective.
Anyone else notice how drunk the parents are? They are both drinking big glasses of wine and slurring.
And Betty still with the fake crying...
Ooooo I’ve been WAITING for you to watch this scene!
This makes me really worried about what Ron is like behind closed doors. 😔 It must be like walking on eggshells all the time. I hope they all get counseling.
This makes me really sad to watch as well for Brandon and for Julia experiencing the dad's constant abuse and I even feel like I understand Brandon so much more now and why he is the way he is
my parents and one of my siblings is just like Ron... things are making sense now. Thank you for putting it into words, Dr Kirk!
I had no idea the dad was like this, they always made the mom look like she was the one with the major issues. I didn’t realize that he had a job elsewhere? It’s so odd how some parents don’t want you to be successful and independent . The farm life is their dream,Did they ever ask Brandon what he wanted?
Brandon've told them already it's not his dream but theirs and dad tried to blackmail him that he won't inherit the farm if they move out. Ron has some anger issues, definitely. I remember him brushing a horse so angrily that I was afraid he would tear out it's tail.
yes Brandon is a pest control tech he is able to move out anytime. he just has been paying down credit card debt he got from going on trips with Julia
Dad is telling him he isn't prepared.....smh...well why isn't he prepared Ron!!!!!! Smh...I remember being spoken to like this by my abusive step father...I felt like I wasn't smart for the longest time!!!! Can't imagine purposely hurting my child and breaking their self esteem 😫😔
abusive stepdads...amirite
not meaning to belittle or make fun of your comment BTW. I have an extremely abusive stepdad that seriously warped me for many years
So the parents are complaining about how unprepared Brandon is at life when they raised him that way. And what parents wouldn't like for their grown kid(s) to be out on their own. It would mean they (the parents) did a good job raising them. Wow, Ron is a piece of work.
I like how Julia is not taking over but looking at Brandon like she wants him to step it up; which gives me hope she will not become like his mother and may actually help him to be come a man 🙂 at least that’s my hope.
It's really hard watching this (but since I'm in therapy I try to challenge myself), I get really triggered by the dad's behaviour shifting between anger and being belittling. When I tried to de-emesh and moved away from home it was like I cut myself of from the family but it didn't fix anything bcs I had no resources for managing on my own, no tools that made me feel like an adult or functioning and with massive anxiety bcs being taught the world is dangerous and scary so I got really depressed. Also the heavy heavy guilt you feel when trying to de-emesh from a parent is hard to handle without a support system set up, it's especially hard since the boundaries on what I'm feeling and what the other person is feeling is like intertwined so the parents anguish feels horrible, it must be hard on Brandon. Thank you for talking about this with such compassion Dr Kirk
The smug look on the mom face when she told them to go do it
Are they part of some kind of doomsday type religion? They use that same kind of language and it would explain why they're so determined that Brandon stay close by. It could also explain why they seem to feel so justified in their adamant opinions.
There have been rumors the whole time that they're doomsday preppers. I don't know where that came from and we don't see evidence of it in the house, but maybe that's what's going on in some of those outbuildings. I'm curious of what the kind of language they're using is that sounds like a doomsday religion.
@@catspajamas2961 Mostly that they seem so fatalistic. Like the attitude that as soon as Brandon potentially breaks away "the world is gonna end" and their very rigid views on independence from them - like he'd be "leaving the safety of the fold." Are Brandon and Julia potentially leaving some kind of holy institution? Are their souls doomed for eternity if they leave? It's all just so strange.
@@toocutepuppies6535 Interesting, thanks! Why Betty totally freaked out in the restaurant scene when Brandon talked about moving out. Sounds like it might also explain some of Brandon's reluctance to move out. The reasoning Betty has given for Brandon not moving out has never made sense, because it seems like she's oblivious to how other families function, yet she works out in the "real world" so she can't really be that oblivious. It makes sense that she's actually not giving the real reason she doesn't want him to move out.
I rly feel for Brandon, I can just imagine what he feels in those situations (or what feelings he represses) but I think he handled this very well. It feels like a good thing he has Julia who seems to have a quite high emotional intelligence. I hope that they can get a healthy relationship and that the connection with the parents will become better with time (and distance).
"You can't do this because you've never done this." So you can't even do it?
That dad... Just complete and total smugness. There's no telling all the passive aggressive comments and actions he's committed against Julia when the cameras aren't around. If he treats his own SON this way? ....poor Julia.
This episode made me feel awful.
I lived this
Brandon and Julia did very well.
I've heard that passive aggressive "fine" so many times from multiple people. Whether it's bosses, my grandma or my dad. You try to stand up for yourself and they go "well fine" when you can easily tell it sure isn't fine
Wow, this was my entire childhood, teen years and adulthood. Every sentence started with "If I were you," and "don't do that, don't go there, you're making a mistake, you don't know what you're doing..." If they had their way, I'd would have stayed at home my entire life.
The contempt this father has for his son is so sad :(
This episode made me absolutely break down, because having to go through this before made me realize why I felt so worthless/stupid. Dr. Honda explained what I couldn’t put into words so well. So thankful for this channel. Thank you Dr. Honda.
The mom pushes the dad's buttons against Brandon, when he blows up at her instigation, she plays Brandon's savior by somewhat holding Ron back.
I am 66 yrs old and was told growing up that I was incompetent literally those words came from my mother's mouth. I have had a very crazy rough life, I still believe what she said to me to this day and some times I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up, I feel so bad for this kid, and would not wish this on my worst worst enemy some one professonal needs to step in and give him some help. He may get to a point in his life down the road that he just doesn't want to be here any more, this has been my entire life.. please someone step in to help him..
Those parents will never ever change! I had invasive in laws and everything was always my fault. It got so bad that I left my husband because he allowed it. We went to therapy together and individually but it always went back to the same old situation and I couldn’t take being put second all the time.
good for you!
Please fly Brandon!!!!
You can do this!!! You are capable, you can be away from them!! Eat noodles!! Who cares! Show them what you’ve got!!! You have the love of ur life! She can help you!!! Lean on her not your parents
Doc Honda has a good point about them acting like he has to reach genius levels to be able to finally move out. The dad is acting like Brandyn has just told him he's in an Astronaut program and is about to go into space.
It is also very possible that the parents are recognizing that they did not teach necessary life skills to their son, and instead of taking responsibility, they are making personal attacks and shaming their son.
This is a light version of my parents, both yell that I'm incompetent & stupid! I don't believe them anymore, but that doesn't mean the words sting less, they're still insulting their own daughter & treating me like a child 😡 My younger brother is the "golden child", he never does anything wrong in our Mom's opinion, our Dad still tries to show he's "alpha", but he still likes him over me. I've heard the only thing to be done is keep distant, but I love my family & don't wanna cut them out of my life ... I know they have traumas too, wish they'd seek help 😔😢
This is my Dad if I don’t do what he wants. I think it’s about control.
Oh man, I’ve seen the farm thing before. Some farming families (especially multiple generations deep) will put enormous pressure on their sons to take over the farm. They don’t want to sell it to someone else, it feels like dropping the ball. I knew someone who was the only male child in a farming family and the pressure to take the farm was so bad that he broke with his family for a while.
I actually feel really bad for Brandon in this scene. I got scared just watching his dad yell at him like that.
I watched this video yesterday and it lingered with me. During my usual morning run, I had an epiphany: Brandon's parents are the light version of my own. My mother constantly shifted narratives to make herself the victim. She didn't care about the feelings, thoughts, and concerns of my siblings and I, and she would constantly overstep boundaries we had tried to place or things we didn't want done. Then, she would call foul and cry, claiming that we should be grateful. My father seemed like the calmer of the two but really he would spend a lot of time telling my siblings and I we were incompetent. I remember on my 18th birthday, he pulled me to the side and told me that I was a fool if I thought I was an adult and listed off all the reasons I wasn't ready for responsibility. This was completely unprompted. And if we made a mistake or were struggling, forget it, he would say we were careless and use it as fuel for the fire. I developed a lot differently than Brandon--I am often seen as being VERY independent and often avoidant--I can see how a lot of my inward anxieties make me relate to some of Brandon's actions. Hoping to take this realization to therapy with me.
Master class indeed. Thank you!! So helpful.
"You go for it buddy" and "that's fine, that's absolutely fine, I have no problem with that, good luck" big yikes...
And his parents sounded a bit tipsy. I think mixing the wine in this dysfunctional family dynamic only makes matters worse!! My heart goes out too Brandon. Thank goodness he married a strong woman.
this episode was super interesting And helpful, thanks Dr Honda! I feel I learned a lot about myself
“Happy and invasive!!” 😂😂😂
The caption say: Apartments around "Dim Witty 😂😂😂😂"
Two things.
What is the obsession with the farm? Are they scared that if it is sold to someone outside the farm the new owner will find where the bodies are buried (figuratively)?
And Ron or Betty is up in the comments trolling everyone who is supportive of Brandon….
"You go for it, BUDDY!".......Wow..........just Wow.
Thanks for the video!!
Yo these are literally my parents. When Kirk paused on their smug faces gloating at Brandon failing at moving out and moving back on the farm and being dependent on them, it was so triggering. This has also been my experience and I struggle with feelings of dependence and inadequacy. Ouch. Listening to Kirk's feedback regarding Brandon's mother has helped me drop some of my anger and bitterness towards my own mum. I couldn't understand her at all before, or her motivations.
Brandons holding firm on moving out like his parents did on them having seperate bedrooms. Im glad hes showing them a taste of their own medicine
I have no way of proving this but I feel like their words say, "You can't do this, you haven't paid bills in your life ," and their hearts are saying, "You are our friend and companion that gives our life purpose, and that we like having around and we don't want you to goooooooo." But the second one is harder to say.
Just stumbled upon your channel, I'm also a Washingtonian! I really like your commentary on these situations breaking down the psychological aspects
My mother is both of these parents rolled into one. I have very low self esteem and confidence. I also have clinical depression and I worry constantly about not calling my mother daily because I don’t want her to either be sad or become angry with me. But I also can’t be myself with her at all so speaking to her or being with her is an exhausting chirade of pretending to not be depressed and that we are close and ‘everything is fine’, while in reality I don’t trust her at all. I have had one of these tirades about how incompetent and disappointing I am about every three months for the past 15 years. Edit: it’s helpful to see that other people see this as abusive parenting, because when you’re in it (and despite lots of professional therapy at huge expense) it is hard to keep track of what is abuse and what is truth.