My story. I was once told by my dad that I’m the cause of all the problems in the family. I’m the last child. My birthdays will be intentionally ignored, whilst they remind me to wish the golden child a happy birthday on her’s. I’m glad I don’t live close to them anymore. My daughter and I still need to get far away.
Hey Tilda, I was the oldest, but the guinee pig experiment really for 2 young parents. They learned how to do everything wrong with me and then treated my younger siblings completely differently, including sparing them extreme physical abuse, and giving them every possible step up in life while leaving me to fend for myself. I went No Contact over 10 yrs ago with all of them, my son eventually did the same, I'm an old single dad. I welcome you to visit my channel here in case something I've put out might help, that's all I'm trying to do here, share some things I've learned the hard way. Stay strong and I'm wishing the best for you and your daughter.
I was the same, my birthday was too soon after Christmas they said, you've already had Christmas presents, don't be selfish. My sister had great presents and family parties. I moved away at 18, joined the army, that kept me busy, never lived near them again. I'm 62 now.
You just described my whole childhood. I didn’t realize how “bad” it was until I started doing the work in therapy. I’m still grieving and cry all the time. Thank you for giving us the tools to cope.
My analyst blew my mind the same way dr Reid does It is like being a terrorist survivor you have to work on yourself to be able to cope with how damaging criminals are Anyone who has not been a victim of crime doesn't understand how hard you have to work to stay healthy to compensate for the damage People with this disorder are extremely ill when untreated & always end up committing crimes & joining large groups of repulsive abusers
Sounds like as a millennial you are getting off to a good start. I’m in my fifties and am just wrapping my head around the enormity of the abuse experienced as the scapegoat. I’m proud of you for being willing to do this work now!
@@quantumfineartsandfossils2152 I’m a crime victim. I was assaulted and the woman smashed my eye to pieces so I’m blind. But lately I’ve been thinking of narcissistic parents as criminals because of their scapegoating. Are you talking about that? I know some do really horrible things to their children especially daughters.
@@christar9527 Yes it is very common & they intentionally attract criminals to you as well. I am so sorry you experienced so much criminal brain disease projected at you, I hope you got her arrested (?).. Over 50% of my perpetrators were/are female, women are just as criminally insane as men are (& not part of the whole female/male ingroup of mentally healthy people anyways). I'll pray for you.. Keep getting stronger.
I’ve gotten to the point where if after I tell you what I went through and you still support the narcissistic parent I have and take their side I no longer care. I am not going to be tantalizing over if you believe I was abused or not. You want to support them? Go ahead. I’ll be that awful person they tell you I am by not subjecting myself to more abuse to appease the narcissist. I am free and I am never going back to that life.
Being in the moment always leads to existential crisis. I guess majority of the scapegoats stay alive for the future but that also comes with challenge. It is very hard to set goals and visions when you are too used to seeing your future plans being ruined by the abuse. You may wake up one morning wishing to have a great day. Just after 10 min you end up being abused in the kitchen. This narc induced unpredictability is so damaging. You will literally start linking looking ahead to bad omen or getting opposite results. Then comes the drained energy.
You explained it all so well. And any plans we made for ourselves would conflict with their plans or take our attention away from them. We got used to our time and space never being our own, even our personal mind space.
over 704 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 704 videos happened within the last 6 months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.
I will try to report again.But now since I am in school I can show them.But like I said I have videos about everything and different video evidence channels well basically the prt 1 then the prt 2 but I also have videos about pills side effects on another channel i give a link to. I have over 704 videos going back to when I was 8 in 2014 I'm almost 16 now but the thing is CPS has been involved multiple times since 2014 I have a playlist on the prt1 channel and the prt 2 channel about my CPS situation they have never helped. last time they came was around February of 2021.reports ware made my dad and grandma said I just hadn't been taking those neurons toxin pills and that I was just manipulative and wanted someone to feel bad for me so like always I was going to get locked up in a mental facility BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE REPORTED MY ABUSE THEY WITNESSED but I didn't end up going cause my dad said I was going back to GA with my mom. anyway my mom single handedly created the whole diagnoses thing with her lies and then gaslighting me into lying on myself,putting on acts I would literally sit there and make up whole stories on myself with her.Which of course I did that because of the pills making me not be able to think clearly and not just the gaslighting.There was 1 point where because of my mom and the help she got from mental health doctors I literally felt proud of the diagnoses and nearly bragged about it when they were diagnoses I never even had in the first place.Like when I moved in with her for the first time at age 10 she tried to get autism put on me it worked out by the time I was 11 you have to be born with autism unless you get a lot of the vaccines other than that you don't just pop up with autism.The doctors eventually actually admitted to her I am obviously not autistic she still uses it to her advantage and pulls the autism card on me as if the doctors never told her I am not autistic back in 2018.
@@goldieh7121 Yeah, focusing on your plans means you are now selfish and irresponsible towards the family. You aren’t supposed to come home all happy either. I usually ignored the silent treatment and did my own thing, but man, it is painful to be a stranger in your own house.
My teenage years sort of stood still and when I left to join the army it all speeded up. I really think the army was my therapy, it was a complete lifestyle change. It changed me forever. It felt strange visiting parents after that, they really didn't realise that had lost their power over me.
You were so lucky to get out. I tried to leave at 15, had a live in job lined up, and they refused to let me go. It was 40 years before I realised what was going on.
It's like a strategy to stay alive and one step ahead of the guards in a concentration camp. Creating your own schedule resembles some kind of control. Paradoxically intense persecution can force one into the present moment. I spend much of my adult life in isolation trying to remain in my own narrative after a life of horrific narrastic abuse.. whilst fighting off others both internally and externally, which may or may not be the case in reality. My Narrastic father was schedule mad. The control, perfectionism and exceedingly high expectations got to him in the end and at 46 yrs old he jumped 270 ft off a road bridge to his death. Another part of the trauma matrix I'm recovering from
Scott, sorry for what you went through. Your father sounds like a borderline. I was more of a planner. I don’t know if this happened to you but someone would usually sabotage my plans and I would be left devastated. Later on in my late 20s I started traveling by myself. That way no one could ruin my vacation, friend or family. I’ve done so many things by myself like going to the US Open. I learned to make the most of it, since all those others time I tried to create memories with friends or family they would spoil it by challenging me every step of the way.
@ Scott Wells : i know like me you maybe just want some sense of yourself for yourself, without anyone telling you how who or what you are. My brother made it to 32. i minimised the violence in our lives but after he died i blamed myself. i tended to mother since very young. it was divide & conquer at our place. So much violence & neglect. Feel like hiding & have done, ever since my brother died. Both my parents too caught up in hurting the other through us kids.
I’m just like you. I shouldn’t say it but I wish my father jumped off a high bridge. My parents told me to kill my self often and I seriously contemplated and came very close to jumping off bridges. Made many other types of attempts too. The isolation feels wonderful after what those people did.
Earliest unconscious conditioning in familial role gets repeated after leaving the family system. It's continued in work environments, neighborhoods, social systems as an adult. Scapegoat for life.
Sure, we are groomed and taught by our families of origin to be reasonable and accommodating in the face of bad treatment, craziness and abuse, but it helps so much if you can find even one healthy friend to learn healthier behaviors from... we can also learn to recognize the people we should run from, it gets easier to see after a while!
Yes that's what we don't know when we're still in high school my first real job I had people prey on my lack of boundaries I could never take off for holidays and had to work every Christmas Eve or Christmas
So true. I found I was the “ trash” and treated like the family treated me almost everywhere I went. I was dumbfounded by it. I thought maybe someone put a curse on me. Did I have a target on my forehead. I researched possibilities. I read that INFJ’s attract narcissists like a moth to the flame. One thing I realized after leaving the family was that because I believed I was trash, I allowed everyone everywhere to abuse the hell out of me. I had to stop letting everyone scream at me for absolutely no reason and not to accept disrespectful treatment. Now I have no one in my life except a partner who formerly did exactly what my family did but now is working on himself in Alcoholics Anonymous and has improved his ways a lot. These narcissistic parents set you up for a lifetime of abuse by everyone until you learn how to stop it.
A most horrible childhood to make sense of. The adult omg they/she actually did these things to me? Best to give them up, move away, zero contact. They just cause too much pain with their studied narcicism, they get too much enjoyment out of it. Such a good child I was, quiet, amenable, yet somehow I am the complete and utter bitch who not only stole mothers birthday by being born same day, (best never been born.)but who can set mother off just by looking at me. Quite frankly, she was a particularly unattractive female, and I ended up with good looks and a great body. She hated me and would tell me so. But I know who you are, mother.. no respect how you used your body to entrap my father. I pray I never ever have to encounter you again, in the hereafter.. and if I am born to you again I'll simply death out. Do not approach me ever again.
I remember being very responsible at a young age, using my planner at school very meticulously and teachers commending me for my responsibility trait. I also loved talking to my teachers very much in elementary school and would want to have conversations with them and be around them more than my peers. It was like I felt drawn to my teachers as a parent model because I didnt have a healthy mother relationship at home. (Coming from a scapegoated survivor. )
Being a “mini adult” is a red flag. At the time I remember thinking I was so mature. I was mimicking adults, but I was still a child. My third grade teacher was named Mrs. Goldman. I grew attached to her and she was even kind to take my phone calls during summer break before fourth grade started. Being mother hen was something I thought came naturally to me since I looked after everyone. Including my brothers who were in first and second grade when I was in third grade. Your comment is on point.
Yup. Every single report card said that I was 'very conscientious'. Since I was held responsible for absolutely everything that went wrong at home I became very good at looking out for and heading off problems in my workplaces.
@@Chahlie I can tell. You are so strong stay that way + same :)* We are empiricists not rationalists & like any collective of empiricists many of us would rather die than be rationalists because *you can rationalize literally anything every heinous act* this is not what we are doing we are listening self surveilling & keeping records & very observant of boundaries & the need for space & to help others be alone for their mental health without harassment or danger. yes very good at probability in work & a big time money saver you are :)*
I can’t thank you enough for this series. I never was able to identify why I can’t seem to get out of the “what do I need to do next to improve myself and reach fulfillment/preparedness?” mentality, nor how to get out of it. Can never thank you enough, for helping us feel seen, understood, and providing tools for healing. I sincerely hope you know just how much good and kindness you are putting into the world and how many people it’s helping 🙏
Another stratagem is to live in a imaginary past where you recreate a world of comfort,safety,and support,,,where the scapegoat exist in a soothing balm of relics to cover up the actual abusive childhood,,,,many abuse personality have used this method to recreate a more positive childhood.reinvent themselves as beautiful undamaged soul,,,,
over 704 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 704 videos happened within the last 6 months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.
I will try to report again.But now since I am in school I can show them.But like I said I have videos about everything and different video evidence channels well basically the prt 1 then the prt 2 but I also have videos about pills side effects on another channel i give a link to. I have over 704 videos going back to when I was 8 in 2014 I'm almost 16 now but the thing is CPS has been involved multiple times since 2014 I have a playlist on the prt1 channel and the prt 2 channel about my CPS situation they have never helped. last time they came was around February of 2021.reports ware made my dad and grandma said I just hadn't been taking those neurons toxin pills and that I was just manipulative and wanted someone to feel bad for me so like always I was going to get locked up in a mental facility BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE REPORTED MY ABUSE THEY WITNESSED but I didn't end up going cause my dad said I was going back to GA with my mom. anyway my mom single handedly created the whole diagnoses thing with her lies and then gaslighting me into lying on myself,putting on acts I would literally sit there and make up whole stories on myself with her.Which of course I did that because of the pills making me not be able to think clearly and not just the gaslighting.There was 1 point where because of my mom and the help she got from mental health doctors I literally felt proud of the diagnoses and nearly bragged about it when they were diagnoses I never even had in the first place.Like when I moved in with her for the first time at age 10 she tried to get autism put on me it worked out by the time I was 11 you have to be born with autism unless you get a lot of the vaccines other than that you don't just pop up with autism.The doctors eventually actually admitted to her I am obviously not autistic she still uses it to her advantage and pulls the autism card on me as if the doctors never told her I am not autistic back in 2018.
I have a vivid imagination from being a scapegoat and I learned how to accept the badge of shame. I believe that’s the reason why I go through daily catastrophic thinking.
Thank you for another fantastic video. Every time i watch them i feel you know my story. I have a compltly destroyed family ( in the real sense) with two dead sisters, younger than me, and a niece that doesn't want to be found. Those deads are not well explained, nobody knows what happened for sure. Well, when there is a narcisist mother the damage can be brutal. I feel so much gratitude to have distance from all a long time ago, much time before I knew something about narcisism. Anyway, is a pain that we carry for life, even from distance. Thank you for all that you bring to light about that issue. Is a comfort for my soul 🙏🙏
But this info is amazing! I am an adult but where ever I am, I start to ponder, how to get OUT. I dislike to be in any island, or cruises, boats, because it is difficult to get out from those kind of places. When I have moved to the new house, I immediately start to search where to settle next. My motto is: How to get away? How to get out? I’ve never thought that the cause could be in the childhood experiences.
Thank you for this helpful video. I wondered if you would make a video about leaving an elderly, narcissistic parent (father)? And overcoming the vicious smear campaign from the whole toxic narc family, because that parent is old. Thank you
Ha, welcome to my world! But now, I leave myself little “future gifts” by looking ahead, seeing what can give me some help later and doing it now, so I feel a bit of respite when I “get” there. Super powers from lemons. (Left those ppl behind a few years ago now-my focus is my life and direction)
OH MY GOD YOU ARE A GENIUS DR REID I myself like many of us am a hard data proof of this "strategizing thinking ahead in time" YES we will suffer so SO MUCH PAIN potential death & KEEP OUR EYES ON the present document it ALL & keep going even if WE FAIL & when we get to our goal excuse my French HOLY SHIT you have made it!!! :D Wow you are amazing holy crap!!!
Hmm, you've thrown me on this topic. My initial response was, "Future? There's a future?" soon followed by, "Oh, it's not safe to be thinking about things like that!". Making me think hard. I notice that I no longer have any aspirations for the future, just function in today with my inner universe (which is timeless and constructed by my own choosing) to inhabit inside my body, which inhabits this outer universe. Hard to explain. When one knows that the future holds more suffering and grief, with only the degree that varies, then it's best to focus only upon today. That doesn't mean a lack of hope, just not so much for anything too specific. Hope for today is enough, hoping to be the person I desire to be, to respond to the day's events, wonderful or not, with a good and helpful attitude, tending to immediate needs and so on. I feel sick saying this but I've learned the hard way not to focus on anything future as it's too powerful a weapon for human being's narcissism to affect. Thus I find the concept of the "future" very challenging and quite sickening, frankly. Hmm. Well, there it is. Come what may, I'll deal with it today.
I agree. "They" had a list of things for me to do once home from school, at weekends and school holidays. But from a young age i adopted that future thinking of plans, though a lot of it was strategies to avoid the almost daily bullying during school breaks and going to, but mainly from school, then once home. (Long time ago. No drives to school. I walked on my own.) At home, i constantly had ideas to occupy myself. I had to. Without it life was intollerable. I had very little time to myself, but i tried to enjoy some things. I used positivity, too. Glass half full. I was born with that personality type, and i do believe it kept me alive.
OMDog! You are a damn guru! I just had an ahhhh haaaa moment. I am addicted to creating things. I watch 100s of videos on how to make art. I jump around to so many different things. I feel like “this one will make me feel better if i master it”. I am scattered and overwhelmed (and hoarding supplies) with finding that one thing that will make me feel great about myself. I couldn’t put a finger on why I’m jumping from one thing to another and never mastering anything. It’s a constant search for that one thing. It also reinforces “I suck at everything” because I don’t practice enough on one thing long enough to master it. I want to be able to just do it perfect 1st go around. Which is very child like thinking. If I make mistakes it makes me think I’m a failure worthless and shameful. So the search begins again watching videos I must find something I’m good at. I have to say your approach to this issue is amazing!! I am definitely going to take your course. I’ve been in therapy 30+ years and started EMDR for trauma treatment and I haven’t had this many Ahhhh Haaaa moments. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and time with us. You are a life saver
It releases you from the freeze response. There's other videos and I've heard people discuss how animals play dead to escape prey but then immediately get up and shake themselves off once the danger is passed. Get the blood flowing again... I find myself often in freeze and it's a great way to get back in the moment and back in your body.
@@firehorse9996 I have my entire life spent very much time in the nature, sweaty walks at a fast pace or just roaming around in varied terrain and before I even was aware of narcissistic abuse and being the Scapegoat I felt like it was my saviour when moving my body in the nature. I've always been distancing my mind and relax in that way, feeling "refreshed and reborn" afterwards but of course the Narc Abuse-trauma will not go away with it, it needs to be done in another way. I'm a so called 100% healthy person according to what doctor says
Well, you're right about one thing: it feels terrible and there's no end in sight. My daughter (30) cut me off 12 years ago due to trauma bonding and her father's smear campaign. He's been aided by my sister, the flying monkey, who has worked to reinforce the big lie and appropriate my daughter. Exactly how long do I have to keep looking ahead and waiting for everyone to get it? I'm a 25 year yoga practitioner, meditator, runner and Theosophist. But the lie still prevails. My son and I have given up hoping the narcs will ever get it. Waste of time and energy.
So this is why I live in the future! I've always been confused by my husband's seeming inability to look ahead and see everything that might be coming. I have truly had an epiphany as to why I've been living in the future all the time, even when my life is great.
Im in my 70's. Still trying to make sense of vicious narc mother, nasty siblings(5 of them) an enabling father and the dialogue sent out to all and sundry what a bad child i was. Not so, i was quiet, studious, helpful and tried hard to be positive. My inner mantra was; but i know im a good person. People say time for reconciliation.. no and never as it is not safe... 23 yrs no contact siblings..yet six months ago one went in and cancelled my ph number... Still trying. I am totally alone. The one decent person in my life, my son, had his life taken from him. No family at funeral. In fact told me they couldnt stand my son.. incredible boy, dux of his high school, trained as doctor, entered RNZAF as pilot officer. Still stuying and loving it. No wonder narc siblings hated him, too.. as they all left school at 15yrs old because they knew it all. Hoe this resonates with someone so dont feel so alone.
This, as always, is timely for me. Thanks Jay! I have the physical freedom now, but I still want to use my days off plan out my future strategy for fixing myself and getting things done. But, that conflicts with my need to want to get everything done right away and done right. And when that doesn't happen, I feel intense shame and anxiety. So, I'm often just spinning my wheels on days off. I think there's a pattern, i make lists of stuff I need to do and I manically try to get everything done. Then I'm either exhausted or shame spiral from the frustration of not getting enough done, or that what I'm doing does not have enough meaning or helping me get better. When I shame spiral I can't concentrate enough to get anything done. To pull myself out of my spiral I think I need to make myself a schedule again. But I now know that lists and schedules don't help me, so I don't know what else to do to move on...ugh! I am learning that this wanting to plan ahead and feeling the need to get everything done at once (when I have the chance) is from never being able to focus on my own tasks when I'm in the company of others. Around my parents, certain bosses and my ex husband, my attention needed to always be focused on them, ready to attend to their needs, their tasks. Then , in my alone time I was planning for a better future, or trying to make lists of ways to better myself, only to be discouraged that I was unable to once I was in the company of others again. Now, I'm just discouraged because I don't know how to live differently. I can do enough to get by, but that's it. Positive affirmations and trying to encourage myself just makes me eventually feel defiant. The only thing that helps is connecting to myself, finding ways to seat myself into my body and my soul. I have had a some days where everything just flows and I get things done without feeling manic about it. Those days I don't feel shame and imagine people telling me I can't do it. Those days I'm not having to push those negative voices away, I just don't have them bothering me. The more I try to fight them and argue them away, the worse they get. But the rare days they just aren't around are pure bliss. Those are the times I manage to tap into myself. I will try your suggestions, of ways to connect to myself, today ☺️
You are too hard on yourself you have CPTSD Try to develop a physical routine starting with really long walks Omron pedometers are super cheap last forever & really fun & rewarding Try to build a collection of shoes clothes that are durable so you dont get blisters Over time you will heal your PTSD & compared to others have much more responsible self reliant routines if you want you can also start sprinting climbing gymnastic cycling running camping etc they all help you *totally* escape the trauma of complex abuse
@@quantumfineartsandfossils2152 Thanks for reminding me to get out into nature. I'm realizing now that I don't.get a good start on being active because it somehow would bring about attention, questions and comments from my parents, or would conflict with family time. Then, if I got discouraged or pushed too hard they would tell me why bother. Later, my ex would comment on my body when I did anything beyond walks or hikes with him. Once I get out, I feel so much better. Recognizing what is subconsciously blocking me is helping and I've started with yoga to help relax my nervous system. Thanks again for your encouragement ☺️
I feel exactly the same, sometimes I will be able to do one of my future projects for 3 months, to suddendly being completely unmotivated about it and ending up sabotaging it. Growing up my family sabotaged every step I gave to be independent, my dreams were broken so many times that now it's difficult to get excited about anything. So I daydream about what I want to be in the future but I'm not able to do the work to get there, and then I feel so much shame.
@@lore6370 I don't know if you feel the same way, but I get discouraged when I feel like I'll never reach my goal. My parents would always "save" me from me trying to do something important to me. As soon as I struggled, or what I was doing didn't prove to have enough meaning for them or could take me away from them. And sometimes I just didn't want to keep going on something because I wasn't interested anymore, but then I was shamed for not being able to finish what I started. I am still so caught up in the need to show effort in someone else's eyes and the idea that one day I will figure it all out. I'm having to train my self to be in the now while I'm doing, to be in the journey of it all for me, not to please anyone else. I'm trying not to make future goals and big lists for now, so I can slow down and figure out what I want when my mind is quiet and not efforting to do what I think others want. Not sure if that makes sense, but it is like trying to shift my whole view on how to live. Wishing you the best, I know it can be a struggle 💕
I'm sorry and your feelings are valid but it seems like your gas lighting yourself still which is exactly what the narcissist want you to do more self love is the key
Wow! "...constantly looking ahead" that always was/is my life. Interesting 🧐 This is the first time I have heard this. I really appreciate your videos on the scapegoated child. Things are becoming clearer in the puzzle that was/is my life. I am happy I found you!
Thank you so much for This extremely helpful and validating message. Our bodies keep the score of the traumas we went through and reconnecting with our bodies through dancing, singing, shaking, slowly moving is a form of meditation and it has been very helpful in my healing journey.
love your channel I was/am the black sheep my sisters brought up this personality disorder and said this is whats wrong with our mom i started looking into the family roles and turns out they are right
I will use the 3 ways to get connected with my bodily experience to survive being in a toxic environment as a family scapegoat myself. I mediate everyday and night to be more positive in an environment filled with negativity. I also must get better at doing mediation by learning new techniques for it.
it was hypothesized that having a sense of control is one of the human needs ( Human givens approach), while looking ahead provide a sense of hope, it also provide a sense of control
I am guessing that narcs can't live with themselves and have to project onto others what they can't accept in themselves. Also, misery likes company. i suspect the real explanation is far deeper than this one, but it is a starting place.
A narcissist is a false self, developed by the young child as a survival mechanism when the abuse and shaming of the authentic self by an abuser causes the child to abandon authenticity in favor of a false self. A narcissist has severed contact with her authentic self, with her own humanity, weaknesses, flaws, vulnerabilities. Projection of her own humanity and contempt for it, along with any negative traits and behaviors, onto a primary target is just a necessary part of life for a narcissist. Without projection, the house of cards that is the false self would collapse.
Thank you for another great insight! I can suggest Eurythmy as a movement art and even moreso as a movement therapy as another mighty tool for recovery. As a therapist I have been using it both for myeself (a scapegoat child) and my clients. God bless you dr Reid for your awesome work 💟🍀
i keep saying everyday tjhank goodness i no longer have no contact even mo ing out of san francisco in 2013 to amador county which my narc family moved just hour to calavares county but still no contact tbank you again for all your videos
Listening to this is very interesting. I unfortunately took on self abusive activities to numb me from the present. I developed a severe eating disorder which gave me a sense of control but I was totally out of control. I took on the labels they gave me “trouble maker” “pain in the ass” “loud mouth” “failure” “fat” “such a mess” “oh I hope you have a child just like you one day!” “Everything is your fault”….. by skipping school (eventually dropping out, but going to college and excelling to BSN RN) , smoking, drinking, bulimia, unorganized and messy. I think my ED was a way of giving myself something (food) that felt good but I went overboard eating huge quantities but then feeling guilt and shame which led to purging. This would go on for hours and hours of my alone time. It was a vicious cycle of self abuse and in a weird way I was in control being out of control. If that makes any sense? Today I have to work really hard at staying in the present and not looking a head which I tend to see as gloomy and failure.
I'd thought of boredom as indicating things were peaceful, I had never thought of it as some kind of symptom of a problematic home environment. I'd kind of taken boredom as some evidence towards being functional. But I guess it could be quite the opposite.
as a scapegoat - if I don't thoroughly plan and follow through, everything will fall apart. because I'm constantly being broken down. Have to do all the things while jumping through hoops.
My childhood diary was so full of resolution to do better. I even destroyed some of them because I was ashamed of failing my resolution. So sad to think about it now. I was so tortured for so long.
This is a really interesting point. Holding out for some future...redemption?....salvation?.....role reversal?....hoping toward achievements that never seem to happen,, but you can't understand why? When was about twenty-one, I started reading Carl Jung. I couldn't understand much, but I looked forward to the day that I would. This sounds perfectly ok to me. One of the things I DID understand in Jung's writing was that I was an introvert in a family of extroverts. (I did not come to the scapegoat idea until my early thirties.) Jung said that , basically, the Introvert has a harder time in the first half of life. The extrovert has an easier time, because the first half of life requires that one step up, face life, and accomplish something. The problem for the introvert is that the energy is flowing in the opposite direction, towards the Inner World. Everyone else seems to be oriented toward the Outer World. The Extrovert does not recognize the reality of the Inner World. The Introvert can see both Worlds, Inner and Outer, but they are oriented toward the Inner. This makes for a Grand Drama on the World Stage, as the discoverers and intrepid explorers of the Interior Realities strive to bring the Reality of the Psyche into the purview of the Extroverts. I decided that I could only look forward to the time in mid-life or thereabouts, that I would begin to turn naturally outward. I looked forward to the time that my extroverted siblings would wake up and realize that they had ignored a huge part of their being in their efforts to procure a place for themselves in the outer world. They stomped me down as they climbed up. And then I have to pull myself out of this mess!!!!!!
Imagine just talking about 'this constant abuse' like it's a completely normal thing. It has to be recognised as the criminal act that it is. The few people I have told about things were utterly horrified, yet we think it was just stuff that happened. Yikes.
Is that how you coped Jay? I fantasized about having a different family or being rescued. Constantly. I guess it saved me in a way to actively imagine being rescued. I remember that as well about watching the hands of the clock at school and how time seemed interminable.
I’m angry about how I was mistreated by my narcissistic father and I want revenge! I bet that he’s lined up my sister to take a brutal,?emotional, dumping!
My story. I was once told by my dad that I’m the cause of all the problems in the family. I’m the last child. My birthdays will be intentionally ignored, whilst they remind me to wish the golden child a happy birthday on her’s. I’m glad I don’t live close to them anymore. My daughter and I still need to get far away.
Hey Tilda, I was the oldest, but the guinee pig experiment really for 2 young parents. They learned how to do everything wrong with me and then treated my younger siblings completely differently, including sparing them extreme physical abuse, and giving them every possible step up in life while leaving me to fend for myself. I went No Contact over 10 yrs ago with all of them, my son eventually did the same, I'm an old single dad. I welcome you to visit my channel here in case something I've put out might help, that's all I'm trying to do here, share some things I've learned the hard way. Stay strong and I'm wishing the best for you and your daughter.
Sending you my best! ❤️
@@TheBlackSheepDiaries Thank you so much 🤗
@@Barely_Tolerable Thanks 🤗
I was the same, my birthday was too soon after Christmas they said, you've already had Christmas presents, don't be selfish. My sister had great presents and family parties. I moved away at 18, joined the army, that kept me busy, never lived near them again. I'm 62 now.
You just described my whole childhood. I didn’t realize how “bad” it was until I started doing the work in therapy. I’m still grieving and cry all the time. Thank you for giving us the tools to cope.
Sending you my best! ❤️
My analyst blew my mind the same way dr Reid does It is like being a terrorist survivor you have to work on yourself to be able to cope with how damaging criminals are Anyone who has not been a victim of crime doesn't understand how hard you have to work to stay healthy to compensate for the damage People with this disorder are extremely ill when untreated & always end up committing crimes & joining large groups of repulsive abusers
Sounds like as a millennial you are getting off to a good start. I’m in my fifties and am just wrapping my head around the enormity of the abuse experienced as the scapegoat. I’m proud of you for being willing to do this work now!
@@quantumfineartsandfossils2152 I’m a crime victim. I was assaulted and the woman smashed my eye to pieces so I’m blind. But lately I’ve been thinking of narcissistic parents as criminals because of their scapegoating. Are you talking about that? I know some do really horrible things to their children especially daughters.
@@christar9527 Yes it is very common & they intentionally attract criminals to you as well. I am so sorry you experienced so much criminal brain disease projected at you, I hope you got her arrested (?).. Over 50% of my perpetrators were/are female, women are just as criminally insane as men are (& not part of the whole female/male ingroup of mentally healthy people anyways). I'll pray for you.. Keep getting stronger.
I’ve gotten to the point where if after I tell you what I went through and you still support the narcissistic parent I have and take their side
I no longer care. I am not going to be tantalizing over if you believe I was abused or not. You want to support them? Go ahead. I’ll be that awful person they tell you I am by not subjecting myself to more abuse to appease the narcissist. I am free and I am never going back to that life.
Same. IDFWPWFWPIDFW
❤
EXACTLY. THIS🔥 💯%. YES. AGREED. YOU NAILED IT🔨
Being in the moment always leads to existential crisis. I guess majority of the scapegoats stay alive for the future but that also comes with challenge. It is very hard to set goals and visions when you are too used to seeing your future plans being ruined by the abuse. You may wake up one morning wishing to have a great day. Just after 10 min you end up being abused in the kitchen. This narc induced unpredictability is so damaging. You will literally start linking looking ahead to bad omen or getting opposite results. Then comes the drained energy.
You explained it all so well. And any plans we made for ourselves would conflict with their plans or take our attention away from them. We got used to our time and space never being our own, even our personal mind space.
over 704 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 704 videos happened within the last 6 months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.
I will try to report again.But now since I am in school I can show them.But like I said I have videos about everything and different video evidence channels well basically the prt 1 then the prt 2 but I also have videos about pills side effects on another channel i give a link to. I have over 704 videos going back to when I was 8 in 2014 I'm almost 16 now but the thing is CPS has been involved multiple times since 2014 I have a playlist on the prt1 channel and the prt 2 channel about my CPS situation they have never helped. last time they came was around February of 2021.reports ware made my dad and grandma said I just hadn't been taking those neurons toxin pills and that I was just manipulative and wanted someone to feel bad for me so like always I was going to get locked up in a mental facility BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE REPORTED MY ABUSE THEY WITNESSED but I didn't end up going cause my dad said I was going back to GA with my mom. anyway my mom single handedly created the whole diagnoses thing with her lies and then gaslighting me into lying on myself,putting on acts I would literally sit there and make up whole stories on myself with her.Which of course I did that because of the pills making me not be able to think clearly and not just the gaslighting.There was 1 point where because of my mom and the help she got from mental health doctors I literally felt proud of the diagnoses and nearly bragged about it when they were diagnoses I never even had in the first place.Like when I moved in with her for the first time at age 10 she tried to get autism put on me it worked out by the time I was 11 you have to be born with autism unless you get a lot of the vaccines other than that you don't just pop up with autism.The doctors eventually actually admitted to her I am obviously not autistic she still uses it to her advantage and pulls the autism card on me as if the doctors never told her I am not autistic back in 2018.
You're correct I have a whole playlist on the pet 2 channel about how they destroy my dreams and potential
@@goldieh7121 Yeah, focusing on your plans means you are now selfish and irresponsible towards the family. You aren’t supposed to come home all happy either. I usually ignored the silent treatment and did my own thing, but man, it is painful to be a stranger in your own house.
My teenage years sort of stood still and when I left to join the army it all speeded up. I really think the army was my therapy, it was a complete lifestyle change. It changed me forever. It felt strange visiting parents after that, they really didn't realise that had lost their power over me.
You were so lucky to get out. I tried to leave at 15, had a live in job lined up, and they refused to let me go. It was 40 years before I realised what was going on.
Nice, what a relief !
at 13 I realised my parents n't perfect not til 43 I realised who they really are. I had to stay away to clear my foggy mind.
It's like a strategy to stay alive and one step ahead of the guards in a concentration camp. Creating your own schedule resembles some kind of control. Paradoxically intense persecution can force one into the present moment.
I spend much of my adult life in isolation trying to remain in my own narrative after a life of horrific narrastic abuse.. whilst fighting off others both internally and externally, which may or may not be the case in reality.
My Narrastic father was schedule mad. The control, perfectionism and exceedingly high expectations got to him in the end and at 46 yrs old he jumped 270 ft off a road bridge to his death.
Another part of the trauma matrix I'm recovering from
I felt it when you said “I spend much of my adult life in isolation…” Sending you my best! ❤️
Scott, sorry for what you went through. Your father sounds like a borderline.
I was more of a planner. I don’t know if this happened to you but someone would usually sabotage my plans and I would be left devastated. Later on in my late 20s I started traveling by myself. That way no one could ruin my vacation, friend or family. I’ve done so many things by myself like going to the US Open. I learned to make the most of it, since all those others time I tried to create memories with friends or family they would spoil it by challenging me every step of the way.
Brilliant comment I relate + 1
@ Scott Wells : i know like me you maybe just want some sense of yourself for yourself, without anyone telling you how who or what you are. My brother made it to 32. i minimised the violence in our lives but after he died i blamed myself. i tended to mother since very young. it was divide & conquer at our place. So much violence & neglect. Feel like hiding & have done, ever since my brother died. Both my parents too caught up in hurting the other through us kids.
I’m just like you. I shouldn’t say it but I wish my father jumped off a high bridge. My parents told me to kill my self often and I seriously contemplated and came very close to jumping off bridges. Made many other types of attempts too. The isolation feels wonderful after what those people did.
Earliest unconscious conditioning in familial role gets repeated after leaving the family system. It's continued in work environments, neighborhoods, social systems as an adult. Scapegoat for life.
Sure, we are groomed and taught by our families of origin to be reasonable and accommodating in the face of bad treatment, craziness and abuse, but it helps so much if you can find even one healthy friend to learn healthier behaviors from... we can also learn to recognize the people we should run from, it gets easier to see after a while!
Yes that's what we don't know when we're still in high school my first real job I had people prey on my lack of boundaries I could never take off for holidays and had to work every Christmas Eve or Christmas
So true. I found I was the “ trash” and treated like the family treated me almost everywhere I went. I was dumbfounded by it. I thought maybe someone put a curse on me. Did I have a target on my forehead. I researched possibilities. I read that INFJ’s attract narcissists like a moth to the flame. One thing I realized after leaving the family was that because I believed I was trash, I allowed everyone everywhere to abuse the hell out of me. I had to stop letting everyone scream at me for absolutely no reason and not to accept disrespectful treatment. Now I have no one in my life except a partner who formerly did exactly what my family did but now is working on himself in Alcoholics Anonymous and has improved his ways a lot. These narcissistic parents set you up for a lifetime of abuse by everyone until you learn how to stop it.
A most horrible childhood to make sense of. The adult omg they/she actually did these things to me? Best to give them up, move away, zero contact. They just cause too much pain with their studied narcicism, they get too much enjoyment out of it. Such a good child I was, quiet, amenable, yet somehow I am the complete and utter bitch who not only stole mothers birthday by being born same day, (best never been born.)but who can set mother off just by looking at me. Quite frankly, she was a particularly unattractive female, and I ended up with good looks and a great body. She hated me and would tell me so. But I know who you are, mother.. no respect how you used your body to entrap my father. I pray I never ever have to encounter you again, in the hereafter.. and if I am born to you again I'll simply death out. Do not approach me ever again.
My mother used to say "you're the cause of all our problems,,. The "our" meant the rest of the family. I wasn't considered one of them
I remember being very responsible at a young age, using my planner at school very meticulously and teachers commending me for my responsibility trait. I also loved talking to my teachers very much in elementary school and would want to have conversations with them and be around them more than my peers. It was like I felt drawn to my teachers as a parent model because I didnt have a healthy mother relationship at home. (Coming from a scapegoated survivor. )
Being a “mini adult” is a red flag. At the time I remember thinking I was so mature. I was mimicking adults, but I was still a child. My third grade teacher was named Mrs. Goldman. I grew attached to her and she was even kind to take my phone calls during summer break before fourth grade started. Being mother hen was something I thought came naturally to me since I looked after everyone. Including my brothers who were in first and second grade when I was in third grade.
Your comment is on point.
I feel you +1
Yup. Every single report card said that I was 'very conscientious'. Since I was held responsible for absolutely everything that went wrong at home I became very good at looking out for and heading off problems in my workplaces.
@@Chahlie I can tell. You are so strong stay that way + same :)* We are empiricists not rationalists & like any collective of empiricists many of us would rather die than be rationalists because *you can rationalize literally anything every heinous act* this is not what we are doing we are listening self surveilling & keeping records & very observant of boundaries & the need for space & to help others be alone for their mental health without harassment or danger. yes very good at probability in work & a big time money saver you are :)*
My life exactly. I am 16 and this is a description of my days word for word
Narcs are the dark and empaths are the light.
I can’t thank you enough for this series. I never was able to identify why I can’t seem to get out of the “what do I need to do next to improve myself and reach fulfillment/preparedness?” mentality, nor how to get out of it. Can never thank you enough, for helping us feel seen, understood, and providing tools for healing. I sincerely hope you know just how much good and kindness you are putting into the world and how many people it’s helping 🙏
Another stratagem is to live in a imaginary past where you recreate a world of comfort,safety,and support,,,where the scapegoat exist in a soothing balm of relics to cover up the actual abusive childhood,,,,many abuse personality have used this method to recreate a more positive childhood.reinvent themselves as beautiful undamaged soul,,,,
I did something like this also.
I maladaptive daydream a lot and the daydreams are similar to this.
over 704 videos of evidence going back to when I was 8.majority of the 704 videos happened within the last 6 months.But yet I am still struggling to get justice and removed from the home.I want to get emancipated after a while I'll be 16.
I will try to report again.But now since I am in school I can show them.But like I said I have videos about everything and different video evidence channels well basically the prt 1 then the prt 2 but I also have videos about pills side effects on another channel i give a link to. I have over 704 videos going back to when I was 8 in 2014 I'm almost 16 now but the thing is CPS has been involved multiple times since 2014 I have a playlist on the prt1 channel and the prt 2 channel about my CPS situation they have never helped. last time they came was around February of 2021.reports ware made my dad and grandma said I just hadn't been taking those neurons toxin pills and that I was just manipulative and wanted someone to feel bad for me so like always I was going to get locked up in a mental facility BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE REPORTED MY ABUSE THEY WITNESSED but I didn't end up going cause my dad said I was going back to GA with my mom. anyway my mom single handedly created the whole diagnoses thing with her lies and then gaslighting me into lying on myself,putting on acts I would literally sit there and make up whole stories on myself with her.Which of course I did that because of the pills making me not be able to think clearly and not just the gaslighting.There was 1 point where because of my mom and the help she got from mental health doctors I literally felt proud of the diagnoses and nearly bragged about it when they were diagnoses I never even had in the first place.Like when I moved in with her for the first time at age 10 she tried to get autism put on me it worked out by the time I was 11 you have to be born with autism unless you get a lot of the vaccines other than that you don't just pop up with autism.The doctors eventually actually admitted to her I am obviously not autistic she still uses it to her advantage and pulls the autism card on me as if the doctors never told her I am not autistic back in 2018.
I don't think I can survive much longer though I need to get out soon cause I get more suicidal everyday.
I have a vivid imagination from being a scapegoat and I learned how to accept the badge of shame. I believe that’s the reason why I go through daily catastrophic thinking.
Thank you for another fantastic video. Every time i watch them i feel you know my story.
I have a compltly destroyed family ( in the real sense) with two dead sisters, younger than me, and a niece that doesn't want to be found.
Those deads are not well explained, nobody knows what happened for sure.
Well, when there is a narcisist mother the damage can be brutal.
I feel so much gratitude to have distance from all a long time ago, much time before I knew something about narcisism.
Anyway, is a pain that we carry for life, even from distance.
Thank you for all that you bring to light about that issue. Is a comfort for my soul 🙏🙏
Yup. Tortured as a toddler. Then smeared to cover up a predatory attack on a child.
But this info is amazing! I am an adult but where ever I am, I start to ponder, how to get OUT. I dislike to be in any island, or cruises, boats, because it is difficult to get out from those kind of places. When I have moved to the new house, I immediately start to search where to settle next. My motto is: How to get away? How to get out?
I’ve never thought that the cause could be in the childhood experiences.
All of a sudden I'm obsessed with working out and it has helped me a lot to reconnect with my body
Thank you for this helpful video. I wondered if you would make a video about leaving an elderly, narcissistic parent (father)? And overcoming the vicious smear campaign from the whole toxic narc family, because that parent is old. Thank you
Ha, welcome to my world! But now, I leave myself little “future gifts” by looking ahead, seeing what can give me some help later and doing it now, so I feel a bit of respite when I “get” there. Super powers from lemons. (Left those ppl behind a few years ago now-my focus is my life and direction)
OH MY GOD YOU ARE A GENIUS DR REID I myself like many of us am a hard data proof of this "strategizing thinking ahead in time" YES we will suffer so SO MUCH PAIN potential death & KEEP OUR EYES ON the present document it ALL & keep going even if WE FAIL & when we get to our goal excuse my French HOLY SHIT you have made it!!! :D Wow you are amazing holy crap!!!
Hmm, you've thrown me on this topic. My initial response was, "Future? There's a future?" soon followed by, "Oh, it's not safe to be thinking about things like that!". Making me think hard. I notice that I no longer have any aspirations for the future, just function in today with my inner universe (which is timeless and constructed by my own choosing) to inhabit inside my body, which inhabits this outer universe. Hard to explain. When one knows that the future holds more suffering and grief, with only the degree that varies, then it's best to focus only upon today. That doesn't mean a lack of hope, just not so much for anything too specific. Hope for today is enough, hoping to be the person I desire to be, to respond to the day's events, wonderful or not, with a good and helpful attitude, tending to immediate needs and so on. I feel sick saying this but I've learned the hard way not to focus on anything future as it's too powerful a weapon for human being's narcissism to affect. Thus I find the concept of the "future" very challenging and quite sickening, frankly. Hmm. Well, there it is. Come what may, I'll deal with it today.
I agree. "They" had a list of things for me to do once home from school, at weekends and school holidays. But from a young age i adopted that future thinking of plans, though a lot of it was strategies to avoid the almost daily bullying during school breaks and going to, but mainly from school, then once home. (Long time ago. No drives to school. I walked on my own.) At home, i constantly had ideas to occupy myself. I had to. Without it life was intollerable. I had very little time to myself, but i tried to enjoy some things. I used positivity, too. Glass half full. I was born with that personality type, and i do believe it kept me alive.
OMDog! You are a damn guru! I just had an ahhhh haaaa moment. I am addicted to creating things. I watch 100s of videos on how to make art. I jump around to so many different things. I feel like “this one will make me feel better if i master it”. I am scattered and overwhelmed (and hoarding supplies) with finding that one thing that will make me feel great about myself. I couldn’t put a finger on why I’m jumping from one thing to another and never mastering anything. It’s a constant search for that one thing. It also reinforces “I suck at everything” because I don’t practice enough on one thing long enough to master it. I want to be able to just do it perfect 1st go around. Which is very child like thinking. If I make mistakes it makes me think I’m a failure worthless and shameful. So the search begins again watching videos I must find something I’m good at. I have to say your approach to this issue is amazing!! I am definitely going to take your course. I’ve been in therapy 30+ years and started EMDR for trauma treatment and I haven’t had this many Ahhhh Haaaa moments. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and time with us. You are a life saver
I agree, I believe in the importance of moving the body
Muscle memory and evolution
It releases you from the freeze response. There's other videos and I've heard people discuss how animals play dead to escape prey but then immediately get up and shake themselves off once the danger is passed. Get the blood flowing again... I find myself often in freeze and it's a great way to get back in the moment and back in your body.
@@firehorse9996 I have my entire life spent very much time in the nature, sweaty walks at a fast pace or just roaming around in varied terrain and before I even was aware of narcissistic abuse and being the Scapegoat I felt like it was my saviour when moving my body in the nature. I've always been distancing my mind and relax in that way, feeling "refreshed and reborn" afterwards but of course the Narc Abuse-trauma will not go away with it, it needs to be done in another way. I'm a so called 100% healthy person according to what doctor says
Well, you're right about one thing: it feels terrible and there's no end in sight. My daughter (30) cut me off 12 years ago due to trauma bonding and her father's smear campaign. He's been aided by my sister, the flying monkey, who has worked to reinforce the big lie and appropriate my daughter. Exactly how long do I have to keep looking ahead and waiting for everyone to get it? I'm a 25 year yoga practitioner, meditator, runner and Theosophist. But the lie still prevails. My son and I have given up hoping the narcs will ever get it. Waste of time and energy.
So this is why I live in the future! I've always been confused by my husband's seeming inability to look ahead and see everything that might be coming. I have truly had an epiphany as to why I've been living in the future all the time, even when my life is great.
Im in my 70's. Still trying to make sense of vicious narc mother, nasty siblings(5 of them) an enabling father and the dialogue sent out to all and sundry what a bad child i was. Not so, i was quiet, studious, helpful and tried hard to be positive. My inner mantra was; but i know im a good person. People say time for reconciliation.. no and never as it is not safe... 23 yrs no contact siblings..yet six months ago one went in and cancelled my ph number... Still trying. I am totally alone. The one decent person in my life, my son, had his life taken from him. No family at funeral. In fact told me they couldnt stand my son.. incredible boy, dux of his high school, trained as doctor, entered RNZAF as pilot officer. Still stuying and loving it. No wonder narc siblings hated him, too.. as they all left school at 15yrs old because they knew it all. Hoe this resonates with someone so dont feel so alone.
Omg another gem in timely manner. Thank you for giving scapegoats a voice. God bless you -!
Wish I could get treatment from this doctor, most psychatrist know nothing about this kind of abuse
I AGREE 100%
Or they say you should reconcile omg
This, as always, is timely for me. Thanks Jay! I have the physical freedom now, but I still want to use my days off plan out my future strategy for fixing myself and getting things done. But, that conflicts with my need to want to get everything done right away and done right. And when that doesn't happen, I feel intense shame and anxiety. So, I'm often just spinning my wheels on days off. I think there's a pattern, i make lists of stuff I need to do and I manically try to get everything done. Then I'm either exhausted or shame spiral from the frustration of not getting enough done, or that what I'm doing does not have enough meaning or helping me get better. When I shame spiral I can't concentrate enough to get anything done. To pull myself out of my spiral I think I need to make myself a schedule again. But I now know that lists and schedules don't help me, so I don't know what else to do to move on...ugh!
I am learning that this wanting to plan ahead and feeling the need to get everything done at once (when I have the chance) is from never being able to focus on my own tasks when I'm in the company of others. Around my parents, certain bosses and my ex husband, my attention needed to always be focused on them, ready to attend to their needs, their tasks. Then , in my alone time I was planning for a better future, or trying to make lists of ways to better myself, only to be discouraged that I was unable to once I was in the company of others again.
Now, I'm just discouraged because I don't know how to live differently. I can do enough to get by, but that's it. Positive affirmations and trying to encourage myself just makes me eventually feel defiant. The only thing that helps is connecting to myself, finding ways to seat myself into my body and my soul. I have had a some days where everything just flows and I get things done without feeling manic about it. Those days I don't feel shame and imagine people telling me I can't do it. Those days I'm not having to push those negative voices away, I just don't have them bothering me. The more I try to fight them and argue them away, the worse they get. But the rare days they just aren't around are pure bliss. Those are the times I manage to tap into myself. I will try your suggestions, of ways to connect to myself, today ☺️
You are too hard on yourself you have CPTSD Try to develop a physical routine starting with really long walks Omron pedometers are super cheap last forever & really fun & rewarding Try to build a collection of shoes clothes that are durable so you dont get blisters Over time you will heal your PTSD & compared to others have much more responsible self reliant routines if you want you can also start sprinting climbing gymnastic cycling running camping etc they all help you *totally* escape the trauma of complex abuse
@@quantumfineartsandfossils2152 Thanks for reminding me to get out into nature. I'm realizing now that I don't.get a good start on being active because it somehow would bring about attention, questions and comments from my parents, or would conflict with family time. Then, if I got discouraged or pushed too hard they would tell me why bother. Later, my ex would comment on my body when I did anything beyond walks or hikes with him. Once I get out, I feel so much better. Recognizing what is subconsciously blocking me is helping and I've started with yoga to help relax my nervous system. Thanks again for your encouragement ☺️
I feel exactly the same, sometimes I will be able to do one of my future projects for 3 months, to suddendly being completely unmotivated about it and ending up sabotaging it. Growing up my family sabotaged every step I gave to be independent, my dreams were broken so many times that now it's difficult to get excited about anything. So I daydream about what I want to be in the future but I'm not able to do the work to get there, and then I feel so much shame.
@@lore6370 I don't know if you feel the same way, but I get discouraged when I feel like I'll never reach my goal. My parents would always "save" me from me trying to do something important to me. As soon as I struggled, or what I was doing didn't prove to have enough meaning for them or could take me away from them. And sometimes I just didn't want to keep going on something because I wasn't interested anymore, but then I was shamed for not being able to finish what I started. I am still so caught up in the need to show effort in someone else's eyes and the idea that one day I will figure it all out. I'm having to train my self to be in the now while I'm doing, to be in the journey of it all for me, not to please anyone else. I'm trying not to make future goals and big lists for now, so I can slow down and figure out what I want when my mind is quiet and not efforting to do what I think others want. Not sure if that makes sense, but it is like trying to shift my whole view on how to live. Wishing you the best, I know it can be a struggle 💕
I'm sorry and your feelings are valid but it seems like your gas lighting yourself still which is exactly what the narcissist want you to do more self love is the key
Wow! "...constantly looking ahead" that always was/is my life. Interesting 🧐 This is the first time I have heard this. I really appreciate your videos on the scapegoated child. Things are becoming clearer in the puzzle that was/is my life. I am happy I found you!
Thank you so much for This extremely helpful and validating message. Our bodies keep the score of the traumas we went through and reconnecting with our bodies through dancing, singing, shaking, slowly moving is a form of meditation and it has been very helpful in my healing journey.
this hs been with me my whole life...didn't realize it was a trauma response. OMG...so eye opening
So glad you touch on the topic of boredom here such a massive part of the experience
This is still a strategy I use..to cope with not feeling trapped by the present moment. Thank you for the tips.
love your channel
I was/am the black sheep
my sisters brought up this personality disorder and said this is whats wrong with our mom i started looking into the family roles and turns out they are right
I will use the 3 ways to get connected with my bodily experience to survive being in a toxic environment as a family scapegoat myself. I mediate everyday and night to be more positive in an environment filled with negativity. I also must get better at doing mediation by learning new techniques for it.
it was hypothesized that having a sense of control is one of the human needs ( Human givens approach), while looking ahead provide a sense of hope, it also provide a sense of control
I’ve done that. It was a big step forward out of the constant malaise. Great video.
Can you expound on why there is a "need" by the narc to project their feelings of worthlessness? What is the psychology behind that?
I am guessing that narcs can't live with themselves and have to project onto others what they can't accept in themselves. Also, misery likes company. i suspect the real explanation is far deeper than this one, but it is a starting place.
@@nancybartley4425 yeah, i just dont understand how that brings them cartharsis.
A narcissist is a false self, developed by the young child as a survival mechanism when the abuse and shaming of the authentic self by an abuser causes the child to abandon authenticity in favor of a false self. A narcissist has severed contact with her authentic self, with her own humanity, weaknesses, flaws, vulnerabilities. Projection of her own humanity and contempt for it, along with any negative traits and behaviors, onto a primary target is just a necessary part of life for a narcissist. Without projection, the house of cards that is the false self would collapse.
It is SO weird...I don't get it either.
Thank you for another great insight! I can suggest Eurythmy as a movement art and even moreso as a movement therapy as another mighty tool for recovery. As a therapist I have been using it both for myeself (a scapegoat child) and my clients. God bless you dr Reid for your awesome work 💟🍀
Looking forward to your next video
i keep saying everyday tjhank goodness i no longer have no contact even mo ing out of san francisco in 2013 to amador county which my narc family moved just hour to calavares county but still no contact tbank you again for all your videos
Listening to this is very interesting. I unfortunately took on self abusive activities to numb me from the present. I developed a severe eating disorder which gave me a sense of control but I was totally out of control. I took on the labels they gave me “trouble maker” “pain in the ass” “loud mouth” “failure” “fat” “such a mess” “oh I hope you have a child just like you one day!” “Everything is your fault”….. by skipping school (eventually dropping out, but going to college and excelling to BSN RN) , smoking, drinking, bulimia, unorganized and messy. I think my ED was a way of giving myself something (food) that felt good but I went overboard eating huge quantities but then feeling guilt and shame which led to purging. This would go on for hours and hours of my alone time. It was a vicious cycle of self abuse and in a weird way I was in control being out of control. If that makes any sense? Today I have to work really hard at staying in the present and not looking a head which I tend to see as gloomy and failure.
I'd thought of boredom as indicating things were peaceful, I had never thought of it as some kind of symptom of a problematic home environment. I'd kind of taken boredom as some evidence towards being functional. But I guess it could be quite the opposite.
I'll try to remember this the next time I am too diffucult on myself for being unable to live in the moment
as a scapegoat - if I don't thoroughly plan and follow through, everything will fall apart. because I'm constantly being broken down. Have to do all the things while jumping through hoops.
My childhood diary was so full of resolution to do better. I even destroyed some of them because I was ashamed of failing my resolution. So sad to think about it now. I was so tortured for so long.
Thank you for your insight- very helpful!
Holotropic breathwork...Osho is very controversial.
Thank you.
I wish I could do this. The only forward thinking I did was how someone was going to react if I said the wrong thing.
So relatable
This is a really interesting point. Holding out for some future...redemption?....salvation?.....role reversal?....hoping toward achievements that never seem to happen,, but you can't understand why? When was about twenty-one, I started reading Carl Jung. I couldn't understand much, but I looked forward to the day that I would. This sounds perfectly ok to me. One of the things I DID understand in Jung's writing was that I was an introvert in a family of extroverts. (I did not come to the scapegoat idea until my early thirties.) Jung said that , basically, the Introvert has a harder time in the first half of life. The extrovert has an easier time, because the first half of life requires that one step up, face life, and accomplish something. The problem for the introvert is that the energy is flowing in the opposite direction, towards the Inner World. Everyone else seems to be oriented toward the Outer World. The Extrovert does not recognize the reality of the Inner World. The Introvert can see both Worlds, Inner and Outer, but they are oriented toward the Inner. This makes for a Grand Drama on the World Stage, as the discoverers and intrepid explorers of the Interior Realities strive to bring the Reality of the Psyche into the purview of the Extroverts.
I decided that I could only look forward to the time in mid-life or thereabouts, that I would begin to turn naturally outward. I looked forward to the time that my extroverted siblings would wake up and realize that they had ignored a huge part of their being in their efforts to procure a place for themselves in the outer world. They stomped me down as they climbed up. And then I have to pull myself out of this mess!!!!!!
Imagine just talking about 'this constant abuse' like it's a completely normal thing. It has to be recognised as the criminal act that it is. The few people I have told about things were utterly horrified, yet we think it was just stuff that happened. Yikes.
Is that how you coped Jay? I fantasized about having a different family or being rescued. Constantly. I guess it saved me in a way to actively imagine being rescued.
I remember that as well about watching the hands of the clock at school and how time seemed interminable.
In my personal experience I had no concept of a future to too forward to
I’m angry about how I was mistreated by my narcissistic father and I want revenge! I bet that he’s lined up my sister to take a brutal,?emotional, dumping!
Who do they blame when the scape goat leaves
Who is "woo"?
Gabriel Roth the five rhythms
💗
This idea that one kid is the scapegoat is false. In our family she lashed out and abused all of us . Physical violence was reserved for my brother.
Each family is different. What was your father like?