Steven Seagal's Ticker Is So Bad It's Almost As Bad As The Movie 'Ticker' - Worst Movie Ever
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ก.ย. 2024
- Steven Seagal's movie Ticker is almost as bad as his actual ticker, which is really saying something. Heart health is no joke, but his movies HAVE TO BE. At least that's what I tell myself, because I've seen more Seagal movies than anyone ever should and I'm a broken shell of what used to be a person.
#seagal #badmovie #why
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When Seagal kicked the bumper bar, why didn't the car explode?
Space Ice!! you missed a dumb continuity error that normally i know you love to catch. the helicopter at 1:20 is not the same as the one at 1:27. the first is a traditional strut landing gear, but the second is the bel 222, with winged landing gear.
Love your videos man! By the way, how could you not mention that Nas, The famous rapper is in this movie?! 😂
Can I pay in caps?
@@ericaugust1501the audience doesn't fu'peep'ing care 😂
"Jokes on him, Seagal doesnt have audiences"
That burn was savage!
But so totally on point. Nobody watches these. Yet, they keep appearing like that bathroom fungus you just can't kill. So _someone_ must be benefiting other than Seagal's ego.
He has audiences, but they have trouble reserving the short bus to get to the theater.
He tries to disarm him with a joke - but the jokes on him, because *Seagal doesn't get them.* **knee high kick**
He counts as atleast 100 people
If Steve seagal runs in the forest and no one is there to see it. Will there be laughter. Will it come from wild animals or uncontacted human tribes.
I looked up how many Seagal movies there's still left to roast and I'm so happy it's in the double digits
😂😂😂I hope that Space Ice will make a MEGA BLOCKBUSTER HIT MOVIE by mixing and matching Seagull super-cuts!
@@hollyperrin7353omg that’s a great idea. It’s possible he could string together some semblance of a coherent plot
Dont forget the tv shows
Oh-ho yes _wrings hands diabolically_
And Seagal is still alive, you know 😆
Terrible plot✅
Terrible acting✅
Terrible action✅
Terrible film✅
Lives of aspiring actors ruined✅
Steven Seagal✅
forgot about the 'making out with the pretty actress' checkbox
Hey, Dennis Hopper has Water World
@@XD-bx6ee Also, the 'scene set in a strip club' checkbox.
At this point all the points you mentioned are staples of his movies. And i wouldn't have it any other way
Stripclub✅
"...he doesn't know sh*t about bombs."
Yes he does. Every damn movie he makes is a bomb, SpaceIce
The only reason people will mourn Sensi Seagal when he eventually dies of diabetes is that there will be no more movies Spaceice can rip apart
DAMN you said WHEN!!! 😂
Hopefully AI will be advanced enough by then to prove you wrong 😂
I'm pretty sure he hasn't even covered 10% of them.
“Where he showed the world if you gave a million monkeys, a million years, with a million typewriters, you’d only need one to bust this shit out in fifteen minutes including smoke breaks.” 😂😂😂
Yet another ultimate tier insult from Space Ice. Bravo, sensei Seagul deserves no less! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
It almost sounds like a bar from a rap song.
😂
😂😂😂 The funny part about that burn, it makes me think of a monkey taking smoke breaks. 😂
@@justinroberts7373The Simpsons did it "It was the best of times, it was *the blurst* of times...? ...you, stupid monkey"!! "...aah...aaah"!!
"Schrodinger's Fat" is the best descriptor ever.
😂😂😂
I prefer Notorious P.I.G.
Space Ice's burns are next level
I don’t think most people will understand the Schrodinger’s cat reference
"Schrodinger's Cat" is a ridiculous premise anyway.
And before you all curse me, Einstein thought so too.
RIP Tom Sizemore. A legend in the CPR community. 🙏
Sold Space Ice Steven Seagal's Strange Days.
Detective Jack Scagnetti always comes out on top.
Scagnetti 🤣
This slick is no joke!
Bringing Out The Dead is underrated
"Points the gun at the camera in case the audience tries something",I damn near fell out of my chair" 🤣
That phase where Seagal was wearing the hair piece and starting to get fat, but still carried just enough left over star power from the 90s to get guys like Hopper, Sizemore, and even Jaime "I was almost Margot Robbie" Pressley on board. ..
Hey, Samara Weaving is right there.
Stars aren't the only things that draw objects into their orbit. Blackholes do too...
@@gsentinel7948 Clever and apt.
To be fair, Jaime Pressly was Margot Robbie before Margot Robbie.
@@enekaitzteixeira7010 It wasn't too long ago that I used to say about Margot "I'm happy the girl from My Name Is Earl got her lucky break".
Continuity error: the helicopter in the wide shot is a Bell 206. In the close-up, it's a Bell 222. The reason being, the pilot of the 206 realized he was in a Steven Segal movie, and flew away
That's probably the most minor continuity error in a Seagal movie. I remember that one movie where they kept changing the license plates on the car.
@@kommisar. That's Urban Justice you're talking about.
@@sharpfalcon6196 Yes, I believe you're correct.
@@sharpfalcon6196 movie so bad that we now remember the awful scenes
Should've been a Bellend 3000, considering it's in a Seagal movie lol
Dennis Hopper, Tom Sizemore , Nas, Ice-T, and Jaime Pressly all must love that you reminded the world they were part of this steaming pile.
Also Joe Spano (Lt. Goldblume, Hill Street Blues). A lot of good actors on the way down.
For real…I didn’t even know this movie existed until now 🤦🏻♂️
and Peter Greene.
@@tectorgorch8698love my man peter greene
This may have been community service for various misdemeanors they pled guilty to.
SpaceIce is THE mega blockbuster action TH-cam channel that keeps me going
Don't know why but I hear that in the voice of SpaceIce
Eating Taco Bell is the mega blockbuster toilet buster that is still better than Steven Seagal.
I'm so glad I randomly discovered this 😂
I think you mean "SpaceIce is THE mega blockbuster action TH-cam channel that showed the world there is a reason to keep going"
Segal sitting next to a poster that reads "A Crime Against Humanity" in one of his own movies, that cannot be a coincidence. XD
When interviewed, Hopper and Seizmore went, We apologize, we needed the money, had bills to pay, we thought it was a Steven ....spielberg movie
They just lost a bet
When a guy says he's hit rock bottom, Seagal grabs a shovel and says, "Hold my jumbo pork fried rice."
While looking up at the poor man
"hold my supreme king sized double stuffed jumbo bacon and cheese burger"
Was with you until you wrote rice. The only rice Seagal ever sees
is in the boxes where his Asian catalog brides are packed in.
Might could be you're right
Nah, he’d have his stunt double do the digging.
They filmed this abomination in 12 days. Seagal filmed his scenes in six days, Hopper did his in one and never even met Seagal, Hopper or Pressley despite being in the same scenes. Seagal has two roles, and his dog also played the bomb sniffing K9.
The director still apologises for it to this day.
Some things are unforgivable.
@@danielwesterlund1905😂😂😂
Do you mean Hopper never met Sizemore?
@@rob.parsnips Yeah, Sizemore. How did I miss that?!
@@destroydapacka considering how much of a steaming pile of crap this movie is, I wouldn't be surprised if, indeed, Hopper never met Hopper for his scenes...
Seagal-verse is one strange kind of money laundry operation, where the money ends up even dirtier
Do we have official timeline of StevenSeagalVerse?
Phase I is anything before Under Siege, I guess.
So very true. Pure money laundering
In order to keep this channel going, this poor bastard has to watch every single Seagal movie ever made. I owe you guy! I guess it’s time to subscribe.
I concur. lol
Thank you for your service.
2:15 “Schrodinger’s fat.”
Please never stop with these! You’re killing me, Space Ice!
That one made me pause due to laughter.
Ticker is so bad it's Seagal's only mega blockbuster hit movie where a woman 20 years younger than him didn't fall for him SMH
A woman 20 years younger than him would be 52, the reality is much grosser than you implied lol
That’s why he keeps getting Sizemore to hit her
@@SirWilliamKidneyNot when this movie came out.
It's the most realistic thing to ever happen in one of his movies.
Shoutout to the brave roadkill that was cast to play Seagal's hair in this movie. The fact that it didn't spend the whole time laughing at Seagal's nonsense is truly astounding!
Jeremy the half-a-skunk is a classically trained veteran of stage and screen. A true professional.
Lol Brilliant
That's why Seagal sprays on his hair nowadays. Chemicals don't have to take you seriously, because they can't.
Alcoholics Anonymous recently endorsed the Steven Seagal drinking game - you watch one of his movies and you only take a shot every time he changes facial expressions or a bad guy lands a single punch on him.
I thought the AA Steven Seagal drinking game was taking a shot every time Seagal looks, aims, and shoots in the general direction of his intended target and you can't stop watching Seagal movies until it happens. 😂
There was once a different Sensai Seagull drinking game, where people would take a shot whenever his stunt doubles appeared. I wouldn’t try it, way too risky.
@@pk1645 10 minutes into the movie most people would be to drunk to tell the difference
@@pk1645 Yep. You have a post-mortem BAC of 75.010% and be a fire hazard.
I'm not really sure how anybody could hope to get plastered playing that game -- since Seagal isn't capable of (ever) changing facial expressions. In fact, he makes Lee Majors look like Jim Carrey. 😌
01:25 The helicopter stupidly dropping more police officers using a rope right next to the others waiting to raid the house got me choking on my beer 😂😂😂😂. Space Ice really put Seagal movies on a hot stove
“I didn’t do nothing”
“Well too fucking bad”
😂😂😂
4:16 “500 pounds of Semtex is believed to be in IRA possession”
No wonder seagal is pissed at seeing that, weighing 500 pounds in movies is Seagals job after all
😂
Lmao
Oof 😂😂😂😂
What's a Seagal film without a bit of jurisdictional ignorance... Or maybe all US police departments are notified of stuff happening in Ireland?
And with his explosive diarrhea, what exactly does semtex bring to the table?
To be fair, that was a totally accurate depiction of how the ATF handles hostage situations.
Yeah the BATFKs always get their man.
@@favoritemustard3542... and anyone unfortunate enough to be around him.
Ahh Waco
Not so much Waco, as it is everything the ATF does everytime. ALWAYS
Well, opening fire IS how the ATF would handle a hostage situation. Especially, if there were any dogs around.
I like how they ran out of ATF prop jackets and said F it everyone else is FBI
I think I saw some SWAT too.
While it's true they will have some sheriffs & state police on scene, they make them hang back. None of this shoulder-to-shoulder BS lol
The trigger happy part rings true, though.
Hey the dog was armed, all the federal witnesses said so! but don't worry, the Feds vowed to learn from it and took a holiday 6 months later. In Waco.
Kristi Noem is in the ATF?
Kristi killed her dog because it wouldn't do what she told it to do. ATF kills puppies for fun.
"Neil Breen-level green screen" will be my new catchphrase.
“Remember ice T? Well fuck you the movie doesn’t and it just ends” 😂😂😂
Imagine a cheap aquarium pump driven by a hamster wheel, trying to pump chunky chocolate fudge milkshake through a series of tubes made out of alternating series of McDonalds paper straws and bent hypodermic needles. And the hamster's getting on in years. You now know what Seagal's cardiovascular system looks like.
Also you just described his man cave
Damn you're creative 😂
Salute to your creativity
Shouldn’t it be Thicker?
YES!
Tickler, but that's the movie Seagul was trying to make with all the maids and models.
What do you have against the Irish?
@@VillenmerthAzul The Thicker Tickler is almost as good of a nickname for him as The Round Mound of Sitting Down haha
Hahahahahaha
"Jokes on him, Seagal movies don't have audiences", Space Ice is the audience unfortunately 😭🙏
11:59 Neil Breen reference really chuckles me up. 😂
Just few weeks ago, Steven Seagal was present at Putin's inauguration. He really thinks he is a mafia or some Russian boss. 😂
I heard the guy is on the run from Sexual Assault charges in the US. Thats why he films only in Eastern Europe.
I love how his ethnicity changes so often, he now claims to be a russian mongol i think 😂
I can't believe they dragged Dennis Hopper in to this. I mean, Tom Sizemore, sure.
Just another near-death experience for Hopper.
Maybe he had to buy more shoes for his kid like he did for Mario Bros.
He was in the jungle with Marlon Brando, and I'll bet this was worse.
This one was right around the point in Seagal's career where they were desperately hoping there was some gas left in the tank.
@@Conan_the_Based There definetely was gas in him.
Stay strong Space. The toll this amount of Segal must have on someone is a heavy price to pay for our entertainment.
Hear! Hear!
😂
It's always _heavy_ when Seagull is involved.
He needs some new spark plugs before they start spitting again
I think he can be legally classified as insane now, like that old wive’s tale about a certain amount of LSD
"Schrodinger's fat." Brilliant.
Space Ice's burns are next level
I don't get it l mean there is absolutely no ambiguity about his weight whatsoever or is it perhaps simply the sheer ridiculousness of something being so fat and pretending *not* to be fat.
Anyway seems that the Earth is actually flat after all, or at least it is where that fat man sat.
RIP DMX. 🕊️
18% success rate at diffusing bombs - Steven Seagal
RIP Tom Sizemore
RIP pedo
I like how there’s no spoiler alert - Space Ice is like: “trust me, you don’t want to watch it, I already took one for the team”
JCVD would defuse those bombs without even trying.
And with plenty of time to spend in that bar on Thailand
Chuck would make them diffuse themselves and then take their own parts back to Home Depot for a no receipt refund.
With a smile and his forehead bump.
Whilst killing women dressed as penguins, making improvised weapons and giving his kids important safety advice. And doing the splits because JCVD.
You're right. He did defused several bombs in "Sudden Death."
I'm glad Seagal has made so many of these movies, so Space Ice can review them for us.
Spark plug lore just keeps getting more and more relevant
Imagine if this world became like the Fallout games or Mad Max apocalypse and the only thing that survives for our entertainment is nothing but Steven Segal movies.
Fallout lore made up by Avellone before Bethesda disregarded it had noted one Vault had tapes of an unfunny comedian as the only form of entertainment. That comedian would likely be leagues more entertaining than Seagal.
Now I imagine that in the post-seagalalyptic world people tell each other reviews of Seagal movies at the nuclear campfire.
Humanity would be productive like never before without tv to distract them.
His body double probably has a good ticker thanks to all that walking and going up stairs
Good observation, his body double must have the highest step count of any body double in the industry. Though it also has to be the single most boring body double job there has ever been or will be. 😅
“SEMTEX” is code for Steven Seagull. So, when he saw the message “500 pounds of SEMTEX is believed to be in IRA possession” 4:17 SEMTEX was relieved that they were unaware of his actual whereabouts.
😂
SLIMTEX is code for Chuck Norris.
The IRA has done some pretty heinous things, but even they wouldn't have anything to do with Seagal.
@@favoritemustard3542 😹😹😹
2:38 I love how that guy kept his plate upright as he fell. Like "I argued with the waiter to get these chicken strips off the kids menu, I'm not letting a little gunfire ruin them" 😂
How has this guy not ran out of Seagal movies by now? 😂
2 minutes in and I've already laughed more than I had all day. This channel is SO freaking good. I can't believe it doesn't have a million subs yet, but it will
Steven Seagal isn't as bad as the people who comment "first"
Amen
He's worse
Aw, they're mostly harmless. Whereas Steven Seagal is considered a war crime by the Geneva Convention, little known fact 😆
True. They're even below Steven.
They're down in the Segal's cesspit, wreaking of his rotting excrement.😂
Second?
Seagal has become much more famous from these videos than his movies
😅😅
Calling this movie Bomb would have been more appropriate in every way.
How the hell did he get Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper, Jamie Pressly, and Zed to sacrifice their careers for this shitpiece?
Plus Romany Malco from 40 Year Old Virgin.
"Who's chopper is this?"
"Its Zed's"
"Who's Zed?"
"He was in this sh*tty movie with Steven Segal... you don't want to know"
😂🤣🤣
I feel like this movie is the height of Seagal's insecurity about his gut. The way he has his arms folded all the time is a dead giveaway.
As crap as most of his movies are, he's still worth a fair bit. I'm sure he could find the wherewithal to have some 'hippo suction' to get rid of his gut ! 🤣
Space Ice needs his own day on the annual calendar…
We have some in Germany. It's called the Ice Saints.
The ice saints, also known as strict gentlemen, ice men or May frosts,
include several name days of Christian saints in May, on which the last
frost nights of spring are possible according to various regional farming rules.
Friends of a feather…
He has 52 of those. For him, it's just fridays
Hopper and Sizemore were good actors, they had their demons unfortunately.
Tom Sizemore and Dennis Hopper together in a Seagull movie?? How could that even possibly happen?!
Blackjack and Hookers are expensive hobbies. Cocaine too.
According to Imdb, Ticker's director Albert Pyun hated the film and publicly apologized for it several times. Apparently, Pyun was directing the film when the production company took over and turned it into a Steven Seagal flick. So as much as it pains me to say it, this time Seagal was not responsible for the resulting cinematic garbage.
Attack Force is another one of those movies. So much went wrong that Seagal was basically a cherry on the shit sundae
When the director of "Brain Smasher: A Love Story" finds it necessary to disown a movie, you know you've got a unique turd of a movie.
Yeah, sometimes the production film just take control over the film do whatever they want if they see it as commercially viable for them, even if isn't a good idea. For example like putting the name of films onto unrelated films that have nothing to do with it and selling them as sequels for easy money, this happened to American Psycho 2 and Tekken 2 film also barely have any connection to the original film.
@@Illustraful 🤣
This was something that would have made Godfrey Ho proud when it came to the process of cutting random stock footage and pieces of other movies into something that is called "a movie".
Can you imagine the amount of money Tom Sizemore was spending on blow and smack to even consider being in this movie??? WOW
This is a character actor showcase from hell. Then all of a sudden Nas is there, dies, and we get Ice-T?! Kinda want to see this crazy ass shitshow
Bro, Nas’ dying face was horrendous 😂
Albert Pyun hated this film and has publicly apologized for it several times. He stated that Nu Image suddenly cut off his funds half way through shooting before taking it from him and splicing it with archive footage from other Nu Image films before releasing it. Pyun has since made an unofficial release of his drastically different director's cut.
Yeah I heard that too. Avi Lerner who was a producer on this film is something of controversial figure himself. He's a very influential producer and traces his roots and early days to the Cannon Group production. Where films were shot on a super low and tight budget. Cutting corners wherever possible.
I once consumed nothing but whiskey & beef jerky for 2 weeks.
When I finally had a (painful) turd... it looked EXACTLY like Steven Seagal.
I tried to sell it on eBay... but it violated their terms and conditions.
Having never seen these movies, I sometimes have a hard time telling the actual plot points from the joke plot points, but, whatever, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Just don't try to watch it on your own, you have to be very strong minded not to fall in madness.
STEVEN SEAGAL MEGGGGAAAA BLOCKBUSTER HIT MOVIE!!!!!
Where he showed THE WORLD
This was the era when Seagal was in movies where he was top billing but wasn't the main character. Can't wait for Space to eventually get to Half Past Dead and Exit Wounds.
He has already done a video on Half Past Dead
@@x116prophecyxWith Seagal in the movie, it should have been called Half Past Fed.
Exit Wounds is freakin' awesome!
@@moviesbye9294 I like Exit Wounds too. It was the last good movie he made, the last theatrical release (not counting Machete, as he wasn't the lead), and the last time he was still in shape before he became fat and lazy.
We don’t even talk about the delivery entrance just labeled “spark plugs” like there’s that many you need you have to have a whole entrance for them
It’s when he says,
“Waddling” or “He waddles down..”
my favorite space ice line. Please don’t stop bro 😂
Dennis Hopper's greatest hits: Easy Rider, Apocalypse Now, TICKER.
We can't always date the Prom Queen.
I'm really conflicted about Steven Seagal. He's a terrible human being, but I kind of want him to keep making movies so Space Ice can keep telling us about them.
It's a conundrum...
His last movie was in 2019. Looks like even the DTV world has lost interest in the star of Above the Slaw and Hard to Fill, especially as these days he's better known for being Putin's poodle. So, sadly, Ice will eventually exhaust the entire Seagal filmography.
@@Illustraful And if Seagal were to come back to America, they would dive right back into some of the shady shit he was doing with underage and minors on the movie sets, which was the reason why he bolted to Russia in the first place. If the guy could still make movies without the risk of going to prison for the rest of his life, he would; his ego is that big to think people still like him as an actor, and his movies are blockbuster hits even though they go straight to bargain bin.
Thank you Space Ice. It’s nice to see that one can practice restraint from making the obvious “Seagal thought the movie was titled “Thicker” explaining his insistence on taking the lead role.” joke.
"I thought it was about my hair" _Slicker_
I really want to know if Segal has seen any of these videos.....
I like how Tom Sizemore went from memorable roles in Natural Born Killers and Saving Private Ryan to a role in a very unmemorable Seagal movie...
Don't forget about Heat.
Yep, he would've been better off playing in "Shaving Ryan's Privates" instead of this pos.
And The Heat, don't forget the Heat! Because for him, the action is the juice
He was also in Black Hawk Down the same year this was released.
'Strange Days' also.
Friday is the mega blockbuster hit day where Space Ice shows the world his comedic genius.
Well it's seagal a comedic genius without even trying
TFGIF & Space Ice too!
How the hell can Tom go from playing in Heat to this shit. Same for Dennis Hopper wtf 😂
Drugs.
For what it's worth, he also was in Black Hawk Down the year this movie came out.
Married with Children is not your average sitcom. It's the best sitcom ever made.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
"You're the bomb squad!" How can one man be a whole squad of-
Wait, that was a fat joke, wasn't it? Nice one, Sizemore.
The number of notable cameos in this (They had the fuckin rapper Nas?) and "My Name is Earl" chick make me think they were either paid in coke or this was just before everyone realized Segal is a joke
I didnt know Nas was in a Seagal movie
John Davis ?
Y'know, one of the things that makes Space Ice great is his dedication to pointing out egregious violations of gun safety. Not flaggiing someone with the barrel of your gun is "Gun Safety 101" stuff.
You can tell Space Ice is incredibly well versed in firearms.
Butch was wrong: Zed is NOT dead.
😂😅
I lost it at the remember IceT part 😂
Man, Segal footage feels limitless thanks to Space Ice. How much did he pump out over the years?
I'm wondering the same
@@notfromhere8889 A commenter above said the moves that Space hasn't done yet is in the double digits.
So, quite a lot. Normally bad, but it gives Space (and us) more vids!
I never thought I’d see Tom Sizemore trying to revive legendary rapper Nas. Life is complete
11:59 - "Neil Breen level green screen." LOL Wonderfully horrible.
When a movie is so bad that it’s almost as bad as the movie. It is definitely a Steven Seagal movie.
Poor Tom Sizemore 😢. He had to resort to doing this movie, for money for blow.
In a world gone to the dogs, Friday & Space Ice is what's needed 🤘
The only good thing in this crappy movie is Jaime Pressly in her 20s.
'Before she blows City Hall' is a much better movie.
Outstanding work as always, thanks for the laughs! 😁👍
Thanks!
6:36 the moment between Tom Sizemore and Seagal is amazing 😂😂😂
0:23 when Steven Seagal hits rock bottom he starts drilling
😂
"She's gonna blow city hall!" 😭😭😭
I'd buy that for a dollar!
Gonna be pretty tired afterwards I should imagine ! 🤣
Was that Nas as the cop? If so Space Ice is slipping for missing it.
You know you have an insane ego when *literally* 100% of the people in your movies either love you or fear you. Some of them fall into both groups, but absolutely no one falls into neither. He even has entire scenes where characters sit in a room talking about how insanely badass he is. Unbelievable.
9th of May is Russia's LARP day. Happy to see Ice Space still know how to ridicule Seagalov.