I'm so sorry for those who were part of the early gang and sat through the skit when it was silent, due to the time difference I have my videos go live whilst I'm still sleeping, so I was blissfully unaware until I woke up and saw the comments, so I had to groggily re-edit, re-export, re-upload so now we're here!
Glad you re-uploaded, I was so confused but I loved your video, will re-watch! Been single much of my adult life, been living solo most of my adult life (minus 1 year), so this is deeply relatable! Wish I had taken part in the survey, I forgot to finish it 😅 but love to see the stats. It’s expensive to be single. I’ve lived that reality & plan to make content on it. Thank you for reminding me it’s more relevant than ever! ❤
@Liolia22 i feel so bad! it is a sadly hugely relevant issue which is only getting harder, it's like people are being forced into relationships to survive, it would be great if you made content about it honestly, I think there's a gap for sure
I thought it was silent on purpose, lol. The imagery and facial expressions got the point across really well. I just threw out some rotten produce today, in fact!
I'm a librarian and I just want to say, a lot of libraries are not quiet spaces anymore! There will most likely be some reserved areas for quiet study, but libraries absolutely should be seen as social places. Please support your local libraries in every way you can by using them, going to programs, and advocating for them to your local government. Don't let them close! Show your community the true value of your local library!!
Also this video was extremely well-done and well-researched but it made me so depressed lol. As someone who doesn't ever want to be in a relationship and wants to live completely alone I just feel like, what am I supposed to do? Is there any hope for me? Is there any hope at all?
@galueshticks I'm sorry I didn't want people to feel depressed! In terms of short term solutions, I really don't know what to suggest. Long term ones are the changes I was suggesting we advocate for on a global political level, but when it comes to living entirely alone in a cost of living crisis, I don't have any simple fixes
Nowadays due to inflation, the actual advice should be "get two girlfriends" because you need at least 3 incomes in order to live comfortably, and gay relationships mean less risk of having children and that you won't be as much at risk of the financial ruin having kids will cause.
@@namehere4954 it's still cheaper when you are in a relationship, only one room required whereas with roommates you usually have to pay for two bedrooms
or get a girlfriend, as a friend and housemate to live with? Thats what Ive done. I spend about 1/5 or a fifth of my take home income on rent. Matter of fact is its just far more cost efficient to live with someone in most cases. Yeah there are cons to living with friends, but some pros are: youre not lonely, you got someone to eat dinner and watch tv and chat with, someone to share chores and bills with.. and youre saving money. Me and my friend just got a cat so we got a cosy little home, a home thats far cheaper than what most people pay. We also have the luxury of affording to live in the city centre, and I have a short walk to work.. all affordable because I co habit with a friend.
@@philosophicalblueberry8986 Very true! I have no problem getting a room mate, but the recruiters immediate suggestion to depend on a man put a bad taste in my mouth. When the alternative would be to recruit me to companies that pay a living wage.
I look at what single men do. They aren't healthy , but they are efficient, living on powdered energy drinks and protein bars. One batch of takeout is stretched over 4 days.
I feel for you. Though I am very much not asexual, I have been fighting to keep my head above water ever since I was 17 and on my own. For a couple years I would sit and cry because I was just slaving away and still barely making ends meet despite making over double minimum wage in my state and all my friends in the same age group seemed to be doing alright. They had decent newer cars and actually went on vacations, had decent apartments, are well, got to go out from time to time, and I just couldn't figure out how they were doing it until I realized that everyone who wasn't a missed day of work away from losing everything were all in serious committed monotonous relationships. They all just both worked and shared rent, food, bills, and a vehicle. They weren't living lavishly by any means, but they weren't constantly treading water either. That's when it hit me that, at least here in the US, we are forced to partner with someone just to survive. Conservatives here cry that Americans aren't popping out 3+ crotch goblins each to avoid having to rely on immigration, but refuse to acknowledge that our society is now structured to make it impossible for a person to even just support themselves, let alone three dependents. It's horrible because it forces people into relationships they aren't ready for or should have never been in to begin with and then makes it economically impossible to leave. My sister was left homeless for months when she left her abusive boyfriend because she did not make enough money to qualify for any of the rentals in her college town. It's horrible.
Yeah, my plan is to get a platonic partner who can help support me and I can help support them. I do not care about the gender because well it's platonic
A little off-topic, but after getting married, I moved my banking to the bank my husband used. We set up out joint checking and savings, but had always planned to have separate checking/savings as well. We transfer money into our joint accounts after our individual checks have hit our single accounts. The guy at the bank setting up my new (single) checking and savings kept questioning if I "needed" ones by myself as I already had the accounts that I shared with my husband. *insert eyeroll* He also questioned why we had different last names and seemed low-key offended when I told him that I didn't need to wait on my name change to open the accounts as I had zero plans to change my name then or in the future (celebrating my 5 year anniversary in a week and still haven't with no plans to). I got the accounts opened and filed a complaint with the bank manager. It took twice as long as it should have with his questioning things that weren't his business.
That's such an outdated and weird assumption, good on you for filing a complaint! Hell yes you need your own account, I'm a big believer in shared accounts for shared expenses but partners having their own money, too, it makes so much sense to me
That's horrible, but not surprising in the least. I sort of want to make the commitment that I won't marry a man who wouldn't change his last name to mine because 95% of the time men say they wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't and it's about damn time a woman got to make those same demands. It really sucks because I honestly don't care if someone changes their last name to mine or not, but I refuse to be the one constantly getting questioned about my name due to sexism. If a man loves me enough to make a lifelong commitment, he'll just have to be okay being the one explaining to misogynists why none of it is any of their damn business, and even if it was, we wouldn't value or respect their opinions on the matter.
Wow. I'm happy that you filed a complaint with that teller. My mom and dad brained it into me since I was little to always separate my money from whoever I marry or in a relationship with, and they have separate accounts as well.
I kept my last name, my husband kept his but uses mine most of the time (at church, when he introduces himself, etc). I’ve had people react with surprise but I’ve never really been interrogated about it, maybe it’s because my last name it metal af and when people realize it’s my “maiden name” they understand why I kept it (it’s Falkenrath). I’m sorry that guy was such a jerk to you.
My grandfather worked in the meat department at the local grocery store. He was able to buy a 5 bedroom home and raise 12 children on that wage... and live comfortably
Im sorry? Five bedrooms and 12 kids? Must be rather miserable for those childern, with a lack of privacy. Also shocking that he could affort five bedrooms at all with a job like that! Truly.
@@grenadefullofguts kids today are spoiled and act like they are abused if they aren’t given their own room (for “privacy”), a cell phone, a laptop, and all the modern luxuries that people growing up literally 30 years ago lived without. I grew up in the 80s/90s and everyone shared a room. We didn’t have giant McMansions , most suburban houses had 2-3 bedrooms max so most kids were sharing rooms. It was just normal. Kids today are soft af.
It's heartbreaking to think of the amount of people remaining in bad situations because they can't possibly afford to live on their own. I have 2 kids too so 3 bedroom place? What? My sister left her ex recently and she had to get a 2 bedroom to barely afford to get out so she sleeps in the living room.
Speaking of the mortgage, we bought a home the year before covid. Our mortgage for a decent sized 3 bedroom plus den is minimum 800 less than even the shittiest one bedroom apartment around here.
It's awful, right? Truly change needs to happen on multiple levels, I hope your sister's situation improves, that's terrible. Single mothers have to deal with such an extra brunt of issues, it's brutal
@@lallana2882 I bought a 3br home for $150 less than I was renting a tiny run down bedroom and sharing a tiny living space with 4 other people. That USDA rural housing loan is the only reason I'm not homeless right now. I had so many traumatic experiences with roommates that, had I not been able to get my house, I was planning to just live in my vehicle, as I couldn't afford any single bedroom rentals (like $1200+ a month, over double my monthly mortgage.) These rental companies are robbing two entire generations of homes, retirement, children, health care, etc that we would have been able to achieve had we not been price gouged into oblivion just to put a roof over our heads.
tell your sister to just let the idea of everyone needing their own room go.. it is just “nuclear family” bullshit.. we all need a place to keep our stuff and to get away from each other now and again but needing a room for every body is just a way to get us to keep working for stuff we don’t need.. she has her freedom, she has her kids, and that’s all we really need.
now i finally understand why i had to grow up with a shitty absent father .. in the same house .. yes absent in the same house it’s very possible he didn’t raise me what so ever. yk how embarrassing it is when u have to tell ur friends that ur parents aren’t together they hate eachother and just live in the same house but not for the benefit of you no because it destroys you mentally with seething anger and resentment 😁😁😁😁😁
I'm so glad you mentioned third spaces! I work in a library and there is such a misunderstanding around them these days. They're community hubs where people can come together, for free, and spend as much time as they want without any expectations. We have baby time and toddler time for both parents and kids to socialise, homework club for teens, digital literacy classes and one on one bookings, movie nights, book launches with the author, book clubs, d&d groups, and crafting groups. Public libraries aren't a "hush" place anymore - that's more of a research library thing, which makes sense when you think of the audience it's there for.
I just wanted to add one more thing. People already hate street kids dealt a bad hand, people escaping trafficking trying to figure out what its like to be a person for the first time in adulthood, etc... I was both of these things when I was young. The first step to getting me out of a situation where I was trafficked since childhood was getting on OW (Canadian welfare) and renting a room somewhere. They gave me around $700 a month. Period. Nowadays, people in these scenarios don't have a chance and it is a part of a capitalist genocide of people society seems "undesirable." It keeps the cycles of child exploitation and trafficking going. Had I escaped in the year 2023, I wouldn't have a chance.
Thank you for sharing your story. I did not have a childhood even close as traumatic as yours was. I was abused by family members when we had nowhere else to go as a child. I've often thought about how differently my life would have turned out if money hadn't been such an issue. My mother could have protected me, we wouldn't have been stuck with those people. At this point society has made the middle class poor and the lower class is dying, literally just passing away in the street.
I had a similar situation- I was able to escape after miraculously snagging a line cook job and renting a room for $300 a month. I thought I was unbelievably lucky then, but there's just no way I would have made it nowadays. It's just so tragic.
Counterpoint: Getting married is very expensive. Having kids is very expensive. Getting divorced (which is very common) can be even more expensive and cost you for a long time. I lived alone most of my life, though I lived with partners too. Financially responsible people are even harder to find than good partners. I've found my expenses were always higher when I lived with a partner.
It is only expensive to get married if you want to have the "dream wedding", its affordable to just get married in a court house like many people do. Also this video is about being forced to become partners, its a personal choice to have kids and in the current climate its almost discouraged. As well as divorce goes, its the natural way for things to go when people feel they are forced to get into romantic relationships just to survive. I'm not sure what country you live in but right now in nz its far better to have a second income coming in at the same time, which is either getting a second job, or get a romantic partner
Also agree with those saying marriages are expensive. My wife and I got married for less than $300. Also, I respect anyone who does not want to be married (it's definitely not for everyone) however, I believe that singles aren't punished (per-say) it's just harder to live alone. I think it's always harder to live alone (since the dawn of humanity).
Something that wasn't touched on is how easy it is if you are someone with a disability (or just someone people decide are "different") renting with roommates is very dangerous and often becomes an abusive situation. I started spending most of my pay on a bachelor and just starved because it had happened multiple times in a row with roommates where I ended up in an abusive situation where I would be too afraid to go home. Being someone with a disability, I was constantly harrassed, blamed for any mess so I would often clean the whole house every day, extorted and threatened for money, and even had a girl try and fight me. Not to mention if I spent money on food it was gone immediately, but if I were to touch theirs in return I'd be threatened to "fight." It was far more expensive to live with roommates because of all this and I usually felt too unsafe to even go home.
oh holy damn, i would be willing to have roommates in another country like japan only to make friends but maybe room mates aren't needed for me. and You look pretty from your channel Why can't you find a Boyfriend to live with you?
I had to get a restraining order on one roommate, another tried to get me evicted because she wanted moved to a unit with a balcony but didn't want to pay the transfer fee, and my last one and her boyfriend were actually self-described nazis. I've had some normal horrible roommates too that didn't try to ruin my life or want to genocide me, like the ones that use everyone's dishes but doesn't wash them to the point that we'd leave our dishes with with anti-chewing spray for puppies to get her to stop. One that was never home and I essentially had to adopt her dog because she wouldn't have starved to death in her own waste stuck in the apartment if I hadn't, then I got billed for all the damages it caused even though it never was my dog. It definitely sucks out there
@@TheAwesomes2104i would never live with a roommate with a dog and from what your saying i wouldn't even consider a room mate. maybe if i get a girlfriend that fine. if i had a friend i would let them stay with me but a random stranger oh hell no.
@@Marty_TH-camr the bad part is that the restraining order one and the one that tried to get me evicted were my friends for multiple years before we started living together and their true nature came out. But several friends were also good roommates. It's impossible to know
My aunt bought this small house and allowed this other guy to be roommates with her. He took the bedroom and had her sleeping on the couch. When she got cancer and had to be looked after from surgery, he refused to do anything because, from his words, "Didn't want to appear like a slave for a white woman." He would cook every day for the dog when it was alive but not for her when she couldn't move around. So my mom had to stay with her to help her recover. Around then, he wanted to make room in the house and made her get rid of all her paintings and art supplies. My mom offered to take it all with her home so they won't get destroyed. Dude was seriously messed up. I still don't understand why they live together or why even she still let's him stay and control her like that. The last I heard from my aunt, apparently, he's trying to convince her to sell her house and give him the money before she dies...
I think a big problem with buying with friends is that the expectation of having a partner someday is so internalized that I would expect them to get a partner some day no matter what they said pre-loan. And having a ‘pre-nup’ like contact between friends is just as difficult to enforce when it requires court action to evict them and/or they can’t afford to go elsewhere or you can’t afford to buy out their share of the house etc.
i like my friends but i wouldn't live with them in america, but i would stay with them if we were traveling to another country. But as a American i think living flatmates is too much for me. But maybe i could consider living with a friend but i barely have enough friends and would only be doing it to be nice not because i really want them to live with me.
@@trekadouble757You're right that both of those desires do come naturally for a lot of people! However there absolutely is a lot of social pressure to do them as well. This is felt by everyone, but is especially obvious in how society reacts when somebody decides they don't want those things. As this video points out, amatonormativity makes living as a single person almost unfeasible in some area because of how expensive it is. But it goes beyond financial pressure. Think of how single people are often pressured by their families to "find someone" and "give us grandbabies" even if they've made it clear they're not interested. Think of the many negative stereotypes associated with being single (you must be sad/lonely/desperate/lazy/ugly/etc.), which are a form of social pressure. Think of how society is so structured around couples that even the piece of wisdom "it takes a village to raise a child" is largely not practiced. For those who do fall naturally into romance and having children, these sorts of pressures can still be harmful (ie, someone staying in a toxic relationship because it's "better than being alone"), but for those who do not, it's on another level. People should be able to live in a way that makes them happy, single or with romantic partner(s), childless or not. But we are in a society that makes some of those options very difficult and even stigmatized in some groups, and that is the issue.
They’re saying that you can enter an agreement with a friend or whomever to go half on a home or whatever but at some point, that person will move out due to having a new partner/marriage. Basically, you can’t bank on someone being there forever despite what they said initially, because life happens. So what then?
@trekadouble757 Natural for you. Perhaps even natural for many. But in a way, that's a big part of the problem. If you go into a loan for a house with friends because none of you can afford to do it alone and none of you - at the time - have partners, or expect to get partners, or even 'think you don't ever want a partner' - the 'ole biology might cling to whoever you get a chance at later, disrupting a living situation that you have sunk money and have contractual obligations and entitlements to. It's a big mess waiting to happen. But what's the alternative for those people desperate to stop renting but can't afford to on their own? Difficult.
My sister and I (we’re both women) are also in our 20s and neither one of us can afford to move out of our parents house yet. I want to get out as soon as I can to start my own life and family, but now I’m fearing that might not be possible
As a disabled, single woman in my 30s who is ace/demi this has been on my mind. I worry I’ll be forced to settle down with someone I don’t really want to. I love my flat and I’m extremely lucky that it’s bought out by late relatives and I stay here rent free. I work part time and it’s still a struggle without rent to pay but I physically cannot work more. I love my own space and being single, 22/33 years of my life I have been abused by men and I don’t want to be in that position again. I want to afford to live my life alone.
In the US the whole issue of developers only building single family homes has more to do with laws in many places quite literally making it ILLEGAL to build anything else. Its not necessarily that developers never want to build alternatives but that there’s too much red tape around doing so. It’s absolutely insane.
We can blame NIMBY's for that kind of behavior, and red lining, in particular in the USA. We deal with those issues here too (on a smaller degree as we're a tiny country) but the fight against densification is a very loud one done by rich people with a lot of time on their hands. Even when changes are suggested at a govt level, case studies are done, everything, they get shot down repeatedly because people "want to protect their investment" and "don't want the neighborhood to change (aka don't want non white, not wealthy people living there)". Brandon deals with this stuff all the time and it frustrates the hell out of him as city planning really isn't done in practical ways that will help people - again I can only speak to it here but I imagine the issues are similar over there
@@BryonyClaire Wow. Redlining has nothing to do with this. Red-lining had to do with laws banning black people from being able to buy in nicer locations and shit. It was racism. In many areas of the US, part of the red tape (not redlining) has to do with what the local infrastructure can handle. The roads and sewers that were put in decades ago were more than adequate for the population at the time, but absolutely couldn’t handle the current population boom of rezoning those areas to be higher density. I’m in an area with a lot of single-family homes, and there’s been a lot of high density building on lots that were vacant. All that building sounds great until you find out that our power grid is struggling and that power outages are now normal. Try doing your college classes, but then the power goes out. There’s nothing NIMBY about not wanting density to keep rising when it’s already resulting in the basic services being unusable at random. Portland, Oregon already has a severe shortage for parking, and so many streets are so narrow that buses can’t get down them unless street-parking is banned, but there’s a lack of garages for people to use instead. Many streets already only allow parking on one side. Portland went off and rezoned everything-all single family home lots can now have u for 4 units. Investors aren’t buying those lots to do that since there’s no parking and the pipes and electricity setup can’t handle it. I live in a city, but there’s nothing wrong with people wanting to be in areas more spread out. There are a lot of people who prefer areas that are more dense, who would see it as hell if they had to spread out. There are a lot of people who prefer to be more spread out who shouldn’t be expected to cram closer. There’s a huge problem with entitlement, where people think that wanting to live in a location entitles them to live there for what they can afford, even when everyone else wants to live there too and there’s more demand than there is space. More demand on limited resources means that prices will go up. Entitlement is literally resulting in costs for housing going up, but rather than acknowledging this, people complain. When my family bought where we are, it wasn’t where we wanted to be. We weren’t entitled enough to think we deserved to be where we wanted just because we wanted to be there. We came where we could afford. Ironic that this is now one of the hot housing markets. We’ve still been very supportive of the apartments being developed and voted for the law that allowed them, but it sucks to not have reliable electricity anymore, and fucking infuriating when people think that wanting anything slowed is NIMBYism.
Well, let's also keep in mind that apartments are not necessarily desirable either. Not only do you have little to no control over your environment, but that setting also increases the odds of hostility, problematic situation, and potential violence. Apartments shouldn't be able to be built anywhere, just like conventional homes shouldn't be able to be built anywhere. City planning, although limiting, also has its merits.
Is it entitlement to want to live in a place with access to resources, culture and opportunities? No. People aren’t asking to move into resorts. They just want an opportunity to join an actual community and most suburbs don’t offer that. Suburbs need to e developed into proper communities, instead of being huge blocks of development with zero street appeal and big box stores the size of airports. In Canada this is especially bad. Most small towns only want to cater to wealthy retirees and offer no resources to young professionals. Suburbs are dead. The 5 notable cities we have are overcrowded and expensive.
That and you need 1 acre for a family of 4 to feed themselves with their own garden but if you live in the city growing plants is basically becoming illegal. in Merica we we outlaw having problems, there problems gone.😭😭😭
Having being single most of my life I was only able to afford a house when my parents died. My last relationship was with someone who had a completely different lifestyle from mine and none of us would ever change their habits so living together was never an option and that definitely drew us apart. I live with two cats and two guinea pigs, and counting. I guess I'm poor and often lonely, buy my house is lovely and I can eat whatever I like whenever I want to 😅
I'm all for having roommates, but everytime I've lived with multiple people, I've had problems with at least one person to the point where I dont feel welcome or peaceful or relaxed in the home. I would love to share expenses but it seems that finding the right roommates is more difficult than finding a good apartment. I've been burned WAYYY too many times and I just dont have the time to be vetting these people
Eating dust: Instant coffee Collagen protein powder Whey protein powder Potato powder Oatmeal Trail mix Ramen Instant rice as a treat. Granola bars. Liquids: tea and powdered electrolyte drinks. Yup, dust! Veggies: freeze them or dehydrate them. If you want it fresh, eat it in two days.
Most fruits and vegetables are must more shelf stable than 2 days Take a head of cabbage for example, I've been able to eat for weeks off of one head, sure some leaves are going to go limp but 95% of it is perfectly edible in those weeks Peppers, cauliflower, green beans, radishes, etc, all veggies that keep well for over a week Looking a little sad and wrinkly isn't the same as rotten You can also prepare meals in bigger batches and freeze them per portion The options, even for single people, are there
@@oshunthagreatAromantic generally means that you are not interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone. Like with asexuality, I'm pretty sure that it is also a spectrum, and not just "No romance, _ever,"_ but I could be wrong there. :P.
@@hannahmetzger4880 lmao good you clarified i thought no romance ever for sure. Its nice to know theres other options. I dont need to force myself to want what society tells me
@@oshunthagreat orientation of having little to no romantic attraction. basically same principal as asexual but with romantic feelings instead of sex aro ppls OPINIONS on romance may differ. for example, im aro and i like romance in media and for other ppl, but dont want any for myself (though sometimes a concept of a relationship do sound nice IF we imagine i *did* have the ability to fall in love). some aromantics are entirely romance-repulced, some are romance-positive, etc. like asexuality, it can also be a spectrum! some ppl on the aromantic spectrum may feel romantic attraction, just very rarely and\or under specific conditions, but not everyone does. again taking me for example, i id as "fully" aro and i have never gotten a crush in my entire life, even on the supershallow kiddy level that kindergarteners do.
Oh my gosh, but the struggle to buy the appropriate, usable amount of food when I lived alone was so real! Milk, greens, and berries in particular were so hard to use before they went bad. :(
Not sure if this will work for you, but maybe it's worth trying. What I did with milk during the pandemic was to buy extra on my infrequent shopping trips and freeze it in water bottles. I drink skim, so I don't know how other percentages freeze, but the only issue I had was that there were sometimes little thick bits in the milk 😂 kinda gross texture-wise, but the taste was unaffected and it was better than not having milk at all. When I cooked with it, I couldn't notice a difference. Berries and cut fruit freeze well, especially if you start them out loose on a tray until they freeze hard, then transfer them to a ziplock bag or freezer container. They will thaw a bit soft, but the flavor is good imo. Try to eat them within a few months, as they can start to get that freezer-burn taste the longer they're frozen. They'll last longer if you use one of those bag-sealers that sucks the air out before melting it shut. Greens… are delicate 😂 herbs can be frozen, especially in olive oil or butter (an ice cube tray works great for this). Garlic and ginger both freeze well when chopped finely (at least, that's how I do it cuz that's how I generally use them). Hope some of this is helpful!
@@emilyrln In regards to milk, I highly recommend getting into oatmilk and similar plant-based alternatives. They can come in shelf-stable packaging and places like Kroger often have fixed cheap pricing and bulk deals on them. Depending on how much milk you drink, they're a much better alternative for most single people. Not to mention, lactose and gluten-free. If you're not into the taste of plant milks, powdered milk still exists and is very useful if you're using milk every so often in large quantities, like for cooking. Whole milk freezes oddly sometimes if your freezer isn't perfectly functioning, so that's something to keep in mind.
@@lindenshepherd6085 Thanks for the recommendation! I don't have an issue getting through my milk; I just didn't want to go to the store very often during the height of the pandemic before vaccines :)
Hey, I used to cook at home most days when I was working in fast food. Then I started working in a job where I would have to drive 40min to and thru work everyday if I didn't stay at a cousin's place most of the week. I hate to see fruits and veggies go bad, but it's hard to cook, esp when said cousin is cooking most meals. I still cook at home sometimes, but it would also be nice if some veggies were sold smaller quantities (spinach and radish are my particular pain points😅).
This has affected me drastically being both autistic and asexual. I cannot work constantly due to being autistic but I do not qualify for benefits because I can work. Being ace makes it really difficult to navigate dating because the safest way for us is to date would be dating other romantic aces and it is really difficult to find ace communities in person. These two factors made it easier for me to get stuck in a lease with my ab*sive ex partner who SA'd me and physically ab*sed me when I stood up for myself. I was stuck in that dynamic for almost a year before my parents decided it was a good idea to send me money for a uhaul and drive home. If I did not have parents to live with I would probably be homeless or dead due to that period of my life.
im in this position no one ever sympathizes with how hard it is do be independent when you have health issues, and worse even when demanding respect is only seen as threatening to the other partner who might just decide one day to fucking walk out of your life, or ramp up the abuse more. hope you are doing ok.
It’s so funny you brought up how homes should be built differently, instead of always accommodating the typical nuclear family because I was JUST talking about that a few hours ago with my boyfriend! I mentioned how homes should be built now with the thought in mind that people live with their parents later in life and friends living together. Because who’s gonna get the master bedroom and whose gonna get the tiny “kids” bedrooms?
housing built for intergenerational families is something which would MASSIVELY help, honestly the amount we talk about housing design and how things aren't done in ways to actually work for most people's lives is quite ridiculous haha
Been living with my friends in a home for 17 years now, which means we're all in our early-40s. This is almost unheard of in the US. Pretty sure our neighbors think we're poly (my housemates are the ones in a relationship which was the case from the beginning). I find I have to clarify my single relationship status a lot if I bring up my home life, otherwise people make assumptions right off the bat. To avoid it, I usually just won't bring it up, which is sad because people should know there are other options out there
I think that's awesome and gives me a lot of hope for the future! I'm 30 and been living with my friends and their family for several years. Most of the household are queer or ace so there isn't this pressure for everyone to be in a couple which is nice. There is one couple in the house and that's it and all of us are friends too and we've all kind of agreed that we're just going to stick together at this point because it's better for all of us.
@@rosesweetcharlotte just lie. You don’t owe anyone anything. Not even honesty. People want to be entertained because they’re bored in their own life so entertain them and if you happen to lie, oh well, they should have entertained their self
As an autistic person i couldn't live with strangers that sounds like a nightmare i need some time to unmask and frankly some time without the sensory input of clothes. I am incredibly lucky that my parents own a house with a former horse stable attached which i can move into to basically become my parents neighbor and only pay for renovations and utilities no rent or mortgage
Thanks for covering this topic as a Black single American woman, the struggle is real here. It does feel like you're being punished. because you choose not to get married or have kids. I've always saw myself in old age doing a golden girl arrangement but right now at my current age I just want to live alone. It's such a struggle doing so because the cost of living wants to only reflect a 2 person, household: this sucks.
I like to be alone. When someone else is in the house I am constantly aware. I hear that person even if they are far away. When I want alone time I want the house to myself. I need that down time to recharge. I need time when I don't have to wear my headphones to function.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you are able to get the support you need so that you don't feel limited in life that you can't enjoy being in a relationship (if that's what you want). Our past traumas do shape us, but I still believe they shouldn't have control over us for the rest of our lives, it's important to understand the triggers and a supportive partner will take that into account with you (mine does, it's possible to find people, though it is harder) 🤍
Fair. I've had similar experiences. I know for me I wanna find a partner someday, but idk. I hope whatever you end up doing with your life makes you happy, at least a little. Whatever that looks like.
@@BryonyClaireYour only solution is married just for economical reasons??? Men doesn't want women who are only want their money, they can smell it since kilometers ago, this is a reality, this is one of the reasons they avoid a lot of women, especially if we are in our thirties, they know we could be an aspirant of a gold digger. I don't agree with that mindset but your video makes me think they are not wrong, not totally. Why do you think they want younger women?? Thinking in this issue, I can conclude they are not women who are bitter or sad by the struggles of life. I am being very rude, I know but why a person must be with a kind of heavy bag who can't give a value to the relationship just their precariety??
as a teenager in 2023, i am terrified for my future. By the time i move out, i dont think in going to be able to afford a place, and as im in a rush to leave my living situation, i fear that somebodys going to take advantage of me and my money because id have no experience renting/leasing. What makes it worse is school doesnt teach you budgeting, it doesnt teach you how to make sure your saving, and it doesnt even teach you what a mortgage is. Even if i had a partner or moved in with a friend, it would still be too much. Being young and not having much work experience your not likely to get jobs that pay quite well immediately, so most of your salary will be going towards rent and bills just to keep a roof over your head.
Tbh the financial advice will be do not buy ussles stuff and save at least 20% of your income in saving and 50% on needs, but when the needs take more then 85% of my income, and this is just rent and utilities may I add, can't do much. I cant just go not eating to just be able to save for something that year by years becomes 10 times more expensive then I can save. The problem is not managing you money is the market, you can't earn as much as you need from just simple work...
I would say if it's safe to stay at home, stay Also reddit and TH-cam gave me some helpful advice about renting before I moved out I stayed at home for a year after graduating (I went to college) and then rented with my partner I will say take everything with a grain of salt as education level and income will affect how good of advice someone is giving you
1. Learn finance on youtube. 2. Pick up shifts or get a second job. 3. That's the reality and wishing for more time off is unrealistic. I worked 16 hr shifts for years to put food on the table. It happens. 4. Don't waste money on food and drink like Starbucks. Things you don't need. Learn to cook. 5. Don't watch toxic videos of influencers . Or people that seem to have it all. It's depressing and often a fantasy. They will struggle in a few years. 6. Move out of big cities to smaller towns or "boring" states. Big cities are crazy expensive.
Honestly, I had a class that taught this and no one listened - it’s funny but when your 13 - mortgages and budgets are so interminably boring and frankly out of your scope of reference, that it’s hard to be engaged.
i'm in south america and the situation is even worse. you need to share one room with someone t be able to afford leaving our parent's house. it's outrageous. i think the problem with having flatmates is the difficulty in finding a place everyone is happy with, and managing the responsibilities with people you barely know, or people you have known for a long time, but you've never lived together. so when you do that you realize it was a bad idea because those people are lazy and irresponsable. it's worse than being alone. about the housing crisis: it's a crisis because of the prices. there are tons of empty places that could have people living in them. but no one can afford them. it's like the "world hunger" problem. we produce more than enough food, but there is a lot of waste and it's not evenly distributed. also, food is getting more and more expensive too.
It's no better in Serbia. Minimal salary(also starting salary in most companies) is around 400€ (this is south,I have no idea what it's like in other parts), and studio is 200€. So that's cheapest apartment in cheapest big city in the country. So for me to move out, and be able to survive month to month with starting salary, I'd have to share STUDIO with someone. A studio!! Made for one person!! It's insane situation. So I'm either going to stay stuck in this place that I hate(living with my parents) and cannot be myself or be homeless. And then we are shamed for not having kids, like my dude, I cannot afford myself to live, not another human, even pet would broke my bank like WHAT
it’s the same here in my US state. last year in an economics class we tried researching how to live affordably in our area on minimum wage- and you needed at at least 1 roommate to live in a STUDIO apartment, but sometimes more
Imma be honest paying rent and my inability to find a partner or friend(s) who love me enough to assist with bills, food, transport has me incredibly depressed lately. It is real hard for single women. And then everyone tries to stop you and get in your way of making a living income 😓
The amount of baaaad roommate experiences I've had is eye opening and trigger me to this day 😅 but the boyfriends in the past were worse and didn't always help me financially (or physically. Or emotionally.) But yeah the gender issues and forcing people to be in a cis het coupledom to exist is sad and obviously intentional but you can't forget the ultimate goal..to continue the capitalism system growth, human happiness be damned. Either way. My one bedroom is at a 40% ratio to my salary has occasional rodents/pests and is slightly sketchy but it's all mine at least. 🎉
@spagooter1807 no one is forcing you to be in any relationship, cis het or otherwise and no one is forcing you to marry or live with anyone. If you feel the societal pressure to do so, don't give in. Speaking as a woman, I dont want any type of trad relationship or living situation. It's a personal choice. I'm getting spidey tingly senses that you're trolling, though given i said nothing about anything other than my personal experience. Either way, best of luck!
Just remember there are rules against having "flatmates" in some places. There will be restrictions on how many people you can have on the lease or rules to keep people from staying more than three nights at your place. There are also zoning laws that keep people from having more than one gender of child over 5 in a room even if they are related or more than 3 kids to a room etc. I've seen families become homeless because they couldn't afford enough rooms to house their children legally. Even though physically they could all fit. Zoning is a huge issue and it's super frustrating!
🛋️ My book club has this fantasy that we have a large communal area to share, and then separate spaces for each single person, couple, and family unit. Those with kids get a built-in community to help raise them. We split up chores based on each other's strengths. We share costs. Preferably this would all be in a place with equal rights for all (one of our couples is "mixed race," and I have a trans wife). We call it our book club commune. When life gets particularly tough, we talk about it quite often (wistfully, because we don't know how to make it come true).
I SO wish places were built with that kind of mindset in place, I mean like I said, I'm a big fan of communal living and spaces based on community, it is really tough to find places to set that sort of thing up though. I mean the way townhouses are built even it's very much set around a "family" unit so the kitchens are tiny, the bedrooms are incredibly uneven when it comes to space portioned out, so even if you could all buy some in the same development it does make things more challenging. One thing Brandon was suggesting was that when developers are building, they do new builds to cater to what the buyer wants, so you can buy off plan and customise to your liking, but of course this is still expensive so would require everyone to be able to pitch into the cost of it. It's a hard challenge! Its something we talk about often too
i live with my bestie! we share expenses and chores but we both definitely need our alone time. its so great to have very low expectations bc its a platonic relationship but still be respected by my roommate!! i cant see myself wanting to live alone or with a partner ever in my life. bestie roommates for the win!!!
Honestly, if you have good friends buying house together is the best idea. You wont feel lonely or bored either 😅 if you ever got sick, they will be there to help. So, its a win win situation.
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. When you get to your 30s, pretty much everybody you know is partnered/married so when you’re not (and can’t live with family), life just feels extra hard. While my experience with roommates has been trash 10/10 times, I do think the answer to this mess is community. But cultivating community and trust is so difficult in this siloed, individualistic dare I say narcissistic society.
Your videos always encompass all of my thoughts into words and points that I can’t express on my own. Definitely relate to this one. Currently 23 and have lived at home my whole life. I love my parents but do desire freedom. Living in a strict Muslim household comes with a lot of restrictions and I feel like a 14 year old kid that goes to work sometimes. I definitely pictured my life as being different by this age. I go back and forth between wanting a relationship or wanting to be single but I want to experience living on my own before I bring someone else into my life. Dating while living at home is awkward af and very uncomfortable. I feel stuck with no way out. It’s very hard as an introvert too. Love your content! 👏 🛋
That would be super tough, and dating whilst living at home especially under those circumstances is extra hard. Like I said I'm a big fan of people moving out to be with flatmates, it helps you to kind of discover who you are away from the shadow that parents cast (even if they do so with love), then you can date people and find who you like, what you want from a relationship, everything and keep going from there. There's a LOT more introverts than you think!
I splurged and got the pikmin-themed "Gratin Dish" and it is PERFECT for 1-2 people-sized baked goods! I've been saving up and trying to get cookware and such that are themed with my interests so I am more likely to cook when I am physically able.
This isn't something I have to worry about because I've never not wanted to be married deeply anyway (Distinct from wanting to get married) but people feeling the need just because it's easier in this economy is indicative of something deeply wrong with the system.
I’m in a 3 year long relationship and honestly I love him so so much but there’s genuinely no possible way we can live without one another. Not just because we’re obsessed with each other, but also because we 100% cannot afford to live without each other. It adds pressure to the relationship to work.
Over the years I've become absolutely against marriage after seeing how trapped women can be and seeing my mother being unable to leave herself but it's undenieable that there are societal and financial benefits because people are actively shamed for being single and pay more. Hell, why am I paying more taxes when I don't have a child? It's spitting in the face of every single person who thought about their situation, their finances and their health and decided for themselves they do not want children or cannot have them. I'm incredibly fearful of the future because I don't even live in America but every single country is facing a crisis with the cost of living so high that even people who want children can hardly afford groceries for themselves. I'm scared what the future might bring because I don't see any way out of this. I'm 26 years old and still have to live with my parents because I never earned enough money to afford an apartment. I always had to pay for everything myself and contributed financially to the care of my grandparents, so although I worked 40-62 hours a week, it's unrealistic to move out without a partner. My grandfather died earlier this year and after the inital shock, I was just glad that we didn't have to pay for his care anymore. The best thing? My father was a chainsmoker and raging alcoholic, so he'll be in need of care soon as well! Great times, overall guys! Literally waiting for my knight in shining armor because god, there is literally no way out :)
It also doesn’t help the money u get firm kids (depends on what state of course) I’ve known people struggling even with one child and even if u get extra money on tax return it’s not gonna help much so yeah it sucks
If I have to pay taxes for not having children, then I will just not have kids to spite the government for taxing me. Trust me, kids will always cost more than taxes.
I went through something very similar to you. Same situation and same age as you. Lived with and cared for my ailing grandparents until grandfather died when I was 26 and grandmother when I was 28. When they died I had to move out of the home I loved because I couldn’t afford it. I moved in with my then new boyfriend for 4 years. It was hell. I’m now single, 33 and bought my first home (apartment) this year. Been living alone for 1,5 years total my entire life. I absolutely love it and I will do everything to keep up my single living. My point is, don’t despair. Hang in there! Set boundaries and know that it’s okay to make sure you live a life that is right for you, even if you feel guilty for not spending the rest of your life as a live in nurse for your relatives (your dad). I don’t know his financial situation but nurse services do exist.
@@Cherabreena Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your experience! My life feels really isolating because my peers can't really relate to my experiences and my problems, so hearing that a better life can be ahead is really comforting!
I'm not 18 yet, but I've already promised one of my friends that we can rent a house together once we graduate high school because her family isn't really good for her. My best friend even said he'd buy a house with us once we all saved up enough. Everyone knows how expensive just breathing seems these days, and I'm glad I have people who can help me get through whatever disasters are headed our way. I am scared though, not just for me but for my little cusions and everyone their age. They're probably going to enter adulthood into a flaming pile of overpriced, under-payed bullshit and I can only hope they have community to help them through it
please stick up to that promise if you really cherish your friend. i grew up in the 90's, watching Friends with my childhood friends, and we'd talk about sharing a place, the three of us... timeskip, we're all 30+ now. one of us already shares a place with their partner from a monogamous, stable relationship. the second still lives with parents who are fully supportive of their freelancing, but is cishet and wants to be in a relationship/start their own family. i'm the third, asexual, aromantic and neurodivergent -- so i can barely function/work and i have no interest being in any sort of relationship... but my parents aren't supportive, and a lot of my executive dysfunction/social anxiety persists thanks to the way i was raised by them. my friends are doing fine, but i'm not. and they're too busy with their own lives/work/schedules now to take in or support a full-grown adult with special needs. maybe my mental state wouldn't be so bad if i had around people who were more understanding of my issues for a while, instead of being stuck with my parents for 3 whole decades. maybe living with friends for a year or two would've been so much better than all my life not knowing any better. but those promises became a joke. thankfully i'm just the only one who's too broken to work. it's not like their lives don't have problems, but they can at least function and have some basic "autonomy" (in the deluded capitalistic sense of the word), meanwhile, i can barely leave my bed every day and sometimes sleep between piles of dirty laundry or trash because i can't even bother cleaning my own room. if you have a good family, you'll always have someone to support you once you move on, perhaps if you need to move back in with them, if by any chance the sharing with friends happens to become "a phase that is now in the past" for you... but your friend will probably never have that. maybe in the future they'll come around their issues, but young adulthood is such an important phase to someone's life. her whole sense of self-worth is just starting to develop, and an abusive/toxic environment can land some blows to her self-esteem that might haunt her for the rest of her life. so, please, do try to help her out, if you can afford it in any way.
@@t.k.5088 all three of us aren't really in the most perfect situation at home - my friends home life, my best friends and my family's mild trans/homophobia and me being aroace myself - and I'm going to do my best to make sure we can all help each other
If your living situation isn't unlivable I would suggest saving a bit after high school (assuming y'all don't have a job already) and then moving out That extra $200-1000 you save can absolutely mean a world of difference But I don't know the details of y'all's life so take it as you will It's really cool that you guys have a plan, most people don't and just wing it
@@minxmeat5460 i'm so sorry to hear that it's a problem the three of you have in common. wishing you all the best and a stable future. you guys deserve better. 2023 should be the year of queer joy, not the year when we ask ourselves how queerphobia is still around. i'm rooting for your joy.
The disability question is a big thing I have been thinking about recently because I'm dating someone on disability allowance. I don't know what the rules are, but I think it is likely that if they moved into my house, that we would have to portray it as them renting a room from me, not us being in a relationship, in order for them to retain their disability allowance and therefore their financial independence, something they highly value. It's honestly likely that we will never live together because of this.
🛋️ I think the stigma against having flat mates isn’t so much like “oh they suck for having flat mates” but rather “oh they’re poor cause they can only afford to have a place with flat mates” or “they aren’t attractive enough to score a romantic partner to get a place with them instead of flat mates”. Imo people who think this way are only looking to benefit from the acquaintance/friendship rather than to support each other.
"There's some expectation that disabled people have able-bodied[sic] caregivers available, which is rarely the case". In America, if you don't have abled family to help you, the government just straight up wants you to die. If I hadn't have been able to be a houseboy while waiting on ssdi, I definitely would have died on the street. There's no help for us.(🛋)
this is my life too. and like caregiver violence due to burnout from a lack of supportive social services just becomes the ideal breeding ground for abuse. i want to find abunch of /differently abled people and buy property together. the ideal (for me any way is a polycule of disabled and queer folks. but living in utah is super isolating. they say its not a cult, but the cultural control here has many of non-mormons in a chokehold. ugh. wish i could take care of myself so i could go somewhere more welcoming to our kind. hope you are able to find stability
If I could move out I would. Unfortunately I am a queer, neurodiverse person who barely gets income by doing side hustles and I have to rely on a toxic parent to run my tiny business of reselling items. What I plan to do is save me money and hopefully in a few years time possibly move out on my own or with one of my siblings. I am often to feel ashamed by not living on my own but I remind myself that its housing market that is just worried about profit instead of actual people. I often see homeless people which reminds me how terribly the government fails people.
My problem is i want a lasting romantic relationship, but i don't want to live together, get married and have kids. Living together with anyone even if i enjoy this person's company in general is driving me crazy, i physically can't, I feel trapped and actively want to get away😢(commented before there was a statement from a person woth similar situation in the video, sad but ib the same time good to know I'm not alone)
Disabled and my soon to be ex husband told me when he finally dumped me that he'd been wanting out for 5 years, half our marriage! Towards the end he was constantly telling me that I'm a burden and almost convinced me to move into my car (in his name still) and give him 75% of the income coming from my dad! The worst part is financial abuse is completely legal here and the courts stance is "you should have been more careful and left sooner" 😒 meanwhile everyone is pushing me to get a job while I'm over here working 16hrs a day between taking care of my home my kids and my health and even my kids make references to me not having "a real job"
I am currently single, I tried living on my own, and ended up not being able to due to my disabilities that cost me my job. I had a 2-week flare-up and couldn't risk catching covid so I stayed home, since I could barely get out of bed either, and got fired for missing "too much" work. But yeah. Being disabled a lot of the time basically means being religated to poverty or forced dependence. I'm also very queer, (Specifically bi, demisexual, and Bigender She/He or He/She do not care the order.) so finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with a disabled queer person can be very challenging, especially since I cannot really work or go to school atm so I would end up being a huge financial burden on that person. Even with the savings I have from my parents. (That would probably only last 2 years at most) I would love to be in a relationship, I would also love living with some friends, so long as I am not alone--but I LOATHE that I am forced to be a financial burden due to our ableist society or could be forced to live with people that are no good for me just to survive. So, while I am not in the aromantic crowd, and would like one other person to live with, I have the flip side of not being able to work and being disabled so I cannot live alone even if I had money and was aromantic. I would love to just have one other person to hang out with and live with, be it platonic or romantic, really don't care. (Mostly because of the social isolation I already face as a disabled person who cannot work, drive, or go to school currently.) But I can't do that to someone and I am living at home with my boomer parents so I don't go into poverty, huge debt, or become homeless. Which I know is a VERY lucky option that most people do not have at all. I just wish I could be more independent...and I would be okay to live on my own if there were more things I could do outside of my living space, it would just make cleaning and cooking a bit more difficult. In my ideal world I would have an aid for minor tasks and/or friends and/or a partner who could help me do tasks like cleaning or cooking when I am not physically capable to do so. Since I can still do most things, but there are times my mobility and energy are VERY restricted and that's when I need a helping hand.
That's such a tough situation - and exactly why I get so frustrated at how ableist society is and how people are treated (or let's be real, disregarded) if you don't fit neatly into an approved box. It would be great if disability benefits were easier to acquire and also actually covered the cost of living, because then you could move out and live with friends/flatmates and have the independence and that sense of community you want, it frustrates me no end how punishing things are
@@BryonyClaire Exactly this! (Thank you so much for replying) I think for me, and many who are similar, part of the difficulty is also having invisible disabilities and/or having both mental and physical disabilities, since a lot of things set in place as accommodations will only help with one or the other. An example I've run into is within a school setting, not being able to get mental disability accommodations when doing online learning (where I do not have to struggle to get there in person), but then also not getting physical accommodations in person even if my mental disabilities are given accommodations. (Such as being punished for attendance or participation, not being allowed to sit or rest while getting accommodations for reading and maths materials.) I'm also a 2e (twice exceptional, meaning on the gifted scale but also disabled), which makes it particularly hard to find coursework that is at a level I can achieve, AND will accommodate my learning disabilities and neurodivergence. So many times there is stuff I could do, but I am barred from it because they won't accommodate me, or the places that will accommodate me cover course work that is far to easy for my level of study. Just ARGH, lol.
your literally describing my life, how'd you get into my brain so well? queer disabled bipoc poly whos stuck living with my caregiverr who abuses me constantly. if i stand up for myself suddenly he's scared and threatened by me, and withdrawing his emotions /ignoring me. hes literally groomed me into feeling worthless for setting boundaries. oh, yeah also found out last week that he's resented being my caregiver for 8 years and lied about it anytime i asked him if he wanted freedom or any thing at all. he lied and told me he'd always communicate hisneeds and hewould never blame me for my disability. last week he told me he cant even be civil in conversation, moved to another room and set a boundary around me asking for help. why? he told me everyday that i wasnt a burden. he lied, and now i cant ask for his aid anymore and im sicker than ever. (Several rare terminal diseases, autoimmune, demyelinating diseases. Im a fucking mess) i dont know how to keep afloat and i am so sad and confused why my best friend suddenly said, nope. i cant take caring about you anymore. I resent you for never letting me put my needs first (even though I regualrly tried to ask for breaks or him going to see friends, alone time, etc.) the truth i guess as he needed that but didnt say anything other than "i'll never resent you! youre the most selfless person in the world. you deserve someone being by your side as you die. let me be that for you.") ive never felt so alone or so overwelmed by my disabilities. ill probably keep telling him im sorry so my quality of life doesnt go out the crapshoot. oh and he feels like all i care about is him giving me care. i feel like the burden everyone else in my life called me tears ago. now he does too. im living my nightmare.
I think the age thing is totally the undiscussed part of the story - past about 30 or 35, at a push, both landlords and other housemates find it weird if someone is looking for a house share (I live in the UK). And because there are always SO MANY applicants per room (eg my house gets about 25-40 applicants whenever a room becomes available), there is no way to prevent discrimination. I myself do feel that I need to live alone to get some of my own space at this point (early 30s), but I totally see why people would want to share, but the older you get the harder it is to get into competitive house shares.
i have this discussion so often with my bff, we're both very introverted single women who preffer to have their own apartment - and we often say how crappy the world works against single people, especially women. we are both unable to have kids so we both absolutely detest the way society and taxes are SO MUCH easier for married couples and families ... Single women (especially introverts) who don't or can't have kids are legitimatelly and actively PUNISHED for it. It's insane to me how much disregard there is for single people even though WE contribute the most to the economy for OTHERS to be comfortable, cause we aren't. I left an abusive 10 year relationship, to be on my own in safety. I can surely not afford therapy for that. Even if I have (what is considered here to be) a high income from my senior job and my expenses total up to 30% of it (rent, bills, subscriptions), i STILL cannot afford to live comfy. If i add the food expenses, a debt for school and maaaaybe a small weekend trip IN the country to go see my mom back in my hometown - that's it, money is gone, bye. I'm dead for the month, poor for the next 30 days. So i either choose food, or any kind of leisure time. Cause EVERYTHING is very expensive now. I buy clothes once a year cause i can't afford it. I fix something in my house once a year, cause i can't afford it. Etc. And to another point, i HATE when i hear parents complain everything is soooo expensive for them and it's so hard , because dear Susan YOU have the tax reductions, the extra bonus from work, the reductions to vacation places, EVERYTHING is discounted for you, and it's the SINGLES who pay for your comfort. It's becoming a lil disrespectful. Like, i'm happy for you Susan but shut up. So yes, i find it disgusting that the world is set up in such a manner that you're forced to couple up or marry if you wanna have it easier. Yay patriarchy, we love itttttt. #sarcasm.
Also, the whinging from people with kids when, like, you *chose* to have them? Did you not realise bringing a whole extra person into the world would be expensive? People need to stop popping out spawn without thinking things through first.
@@rhythmandblues_alibiChristanity logic. Expect everything to be handed to you the way you want, and be judgemental when you see anything outside your comfort zone. You'd be amazed.
I hear you. With that said, I’d rather live on a tight budget and higher taxes alone, than risk ever cohabitating with a(n abusive) partner ever again. 😅
I am nearly 37, childfree by choice, single by choice. I don't have a great job, but my mother unfortunately passed away. I was her only child so I inherited everything from her, this included her mortgage free house. This is literally the only reason I can remain single. I was even talking about this the other day, saying I'd have to find a partner to survive if I hadn't got this house. And honestly I'm not a catch lol so I'd probably be in a lot of trouble.
As someone who got married to their best friend as a way to get more resources, food stamps, easier taxes, AND more financial aid to pay for college.... This resonates so deeply with me and she and I completely agree on this topic as a whole. Especially for both of us, who are in relationships (but don't see it as a long-term, leading to marriage sort of way), who have been pushed to get married, to have kids, etc. since we were young and yet struggle to even get hired for a minimum-wage job when we have at least two degrees... It's depressing as hell. But there's a weird part of it that's also so fun; we hate the circumstances that brought us to the idea and go through with it, but there's also something rewarding about being married to your best friend and being able to help each other financially (even if only the tiniest bit at times). I feel like friendships, especially between women, are still seen as "less than" to romantic relationships, which is more soul-crushing because in all honesty I would do anything for her, including marrying her! She's my true soulmate in essence because she understands me, even when she doesn't, and always is there to support me no matter what I choose. She loves me as I am, and as I choose to be. It's crazy the amount of people that ask if we are actually attracted to each other, because the answer is no, and we don't have to be. I don't have to be attracted to someone romantically or sexually to have an amazing relationship with them or decide that we can benefit and support each other financially by doing what the world at large has told us to do since we were young: get married. When I finally told my parents, after fearing they would disown me (again, despite not actually being in a relationship romantically), my mom eventually understood what I meant and agreed that she would have done the same for her best friend and would love the idea to live together and support each other. And it really should be that way, regardless of whether that person is a good friend, family, roommate, partner, etc. But we shouldn't be struggling to buy food and basic necessities just to live a mediocre life where expectations are constantly shoved upon us. I hope someday we get to a place where it's truly acceptable AND feasible, or that I (and my wife) can at least find a place close enough to that to settle into together and find happiness outside of what's expected of us whether it's marriage, children, or a lackluster career without actually living.
🇨🇦I rent a room in my mom’s house, I was looking at renting a place years ago and I couldn’t even afford a basement studio apartment, so there’s 0% chance of my ever having my own place. The Ontario government is going through a major corruption scandal about housing too, so I don’t anticipate that legislation will be brought in to make more rent controlled housing, because the premier is making money off of the housing developers and seems to think that we can’t tell the difference between “more affordable housing” and “developing protected productive farmland and sensitive ecosystems into subdivisions of McMansions”. My sister was able to move out years ago, she’s married.
I am another aromantic asexual disabled person in these comments, and I only really have one friend I would ever feel comfortable living with. The idea of sharing a room or a flat with a stranger terrifies me, I’m quite paranoid already of getting a roommate in college, who will want to harm me. I hate that everything is so fucking expensive here, I want to be independent so badly.
I never minded being single, but all those things about the food portions and family discounts used to drive me INSANE And I did get lonely sometimes. Even when you’re happy being alone, it’s nice to have someone around to do stuff with sometimes
It's more uncommon to have flatmates in the US because it isn't considered safe. There are so many creeps out there who try to take advantage of desperate people. Also, if your roommates stop paying their portion of the rent for whatever reason, you have to pay the difference or end up homeless. There's no system in place to separate the bill amongst the tenants. One crappy roommate risks putting everyone else out on the street.
Long time ace single from Germany here. We have a special tax deduction for married people for your income coming on top. No matter weather they have kids or not, married people pay so extremely less taxes, a lot of couples marry just because of that. I always call it "the tax for lonely people". But the married-tax-reduction is made so only the person with more money will benifit from it - 95% chance it's the husband. So singles and wifes are both screwed over. This together with everything you mentioned leaves me in a place where I can stay afloat, but never save for emergency cases or old age. The prospect of an own home is absolutely redicuolus.
Thank you for covering the disability aspect. Spot on explanation of the real world consequences, and the psychological effect of these consequences. Dating when you're "just a burden" is so demoralizing.
I've also told a friend of mine if it came to it, I'd only trust them to not steal my stuff, not burn down the house and take care of my cat. I hope it doesn't come to that, but the reality is I'm not sure if I would be able to live on my own all my life nor would I want to because it would feel lonely.
Are you Platonic or Asexual or aromatic? if not if you're willing to find a relationship with whoever you like or be have friends with you i don't know what you want i would suggest to do that and not live alone.
Honestly, I have two cats right now, and because I trust no one other than some immediate family with them, I do not ever want to have a roommate, reason I’m getting a master’s, and after they die, I’ll probably not get any other pets. I trust no one with my pets.
I am not aromantic, but asexual, trans and (most likely) autistic, so for most people, not the ideal romantic partner. Never been in a relationship. I currently live with a friend and after years in a student dormitory, I really love it, we mostly get along great. I am doing my phd and i want to eventually become an academic, which is, in my field, a miserably underpaid position. I often worry that all my friends (and I don't have many of close ones) will eventually find a partner and live with them end I will end up alone, which I won't be able to afford IF I MANAGE TO GET A JOB IN A FIELD THAT I WANT TO PURSUE an is the only thing that makes sense to me.
Oml this is the real struggle, especially being neurodiverse! I’ve just switched career tracks because there are NO jobs in my field in my area, nor can I afford to move halfway across the world (the jobs seldom sponsor the move/visa, but I’m still looking) to where they exist.
I moved from the US to Germany this year and I can't recommend it enough. Even though my job cut my hours my finances no longer feel like walking a tight rope and the amount of like-minded people I was able to find about these issues who are living the values, not just acknowledging them but continuing to couple up and move to the suburbs is really nice.
As an 18 year old disabled American, I can’t even get a job. If I get a job I lose my insurance for my whole disabled family, if I don’t get a job I won’t ever be able to move out and be independent. But I need my insurance to LIVE. One shipment of my life saving medication costs $100k. My only hope is that my grandpa from out of state might give me his RV to park and live in on my parents property so I DONT lose my insurance and can still get a job because the government considers that fad enough away to not fuck with my insurance. The world is fucked over by rich people who don’t care, there is no middle class, and I’m not surprised that mental health and suicide rates are higher nowadays. When you can’t even hope to buy a house after working your whole life, you give up.
So another thing that's looked down on, at least with the circles I find myself are the neighborhood I live in. I went to college and poor people simply don't do that-- and I'm the poorest person I know that did. Single mom on minimum wage, wrong side of town, no siblings, dead father, whole thing. All of the friends or people I surround myself with or find around me through when I was in college or from the workplaces that I qualify to work in are all much, much wealthier than me, even if they just came from an average family. So when people saw I lived on the east side of Las Vegas (NV, USA) they'd look down and there was a point during college my mom lost the apartment due to drugs and drinking.. so I ended up staying at a family-friends for the reminder of college. I would lie and say that it was my family's home EVEN THOUGH it was still on the east side because it was at least a HOUSE, not an apartment and "see guys, there's nice place within this bad neighborhood" and I hated that I had to do that. Now I live alone but I live in an even WORSE neighborhood of town 'Naked City' and DESPITE living alone without roommates NOW I'm looked down on because of the area and everyone being scared. It's all that I could afford. I've had 'friends' legitimately make fun of my place that I live while dropping me off saying things like "oooOoo... its.... nice......." and these friends all lived in a house and in a nice area of town, but there was 8 of them living there, some with their bed in the dining room and one in the living room. How can I win? How am I supposed to win?
Sorry you are dealing with this. This is sadly not uncommon; there is a lot of geographic prejudice and related classism that goes undiscussed. No one should make fun of you based on where you live. It seems like there are a tiny percent of “good places” where we all are supposed to desire to live. Let’s not even discuss the racism that is a part of this conversation. Some people will automatically label any predominantly POC area (especially black and/or Latino in the US) as undesirable regardless of income, crime stats, etc.
Proud of all the single women commenting because this is so worth discussing! I’ve seen some comments about people wanting to be able to find a partner but the dating atmosphere is full of loaded expectations and abusers, which is so true. I think that we need to shift the social expectations of dating as a society. We have ace people, but that’s considered an identity label and kind of person. Growing up I thought I had to date/marry because of this exact subject or learn to be extremely self sufficient and live in worry. When I started “dating” it wasn’t. It was hooking up with a title. My teen brain knew what an STD was but didn’t think about how common they are or way out is to get one when I had a different boyfriend practically every six months. It’s considered okay to “date” a lot and move fast and men expect immediate physical stuff as if that’s what defines a relationship and women go with it because we are conditioned to believe that’s what “dating” is here. I’m married now and my husband is kind, sweet, thoughtful, considerate. Knowing what marriage is actually meant to mean now I wish I knew looking back that marriage should mean: You joke or laugh together every day, you both “add” to each others lives simply by talking about things no matter how small that makes the other person think to themselves “That’s/this is nice”, you give each other grace when you’re flustered or too run down, you’re excited to support each others dreams be it little hobbies or career aspirations. You feel safe in each others arms in the quiet. You trust each other that you can be yourself and comfortable at home. None of those things have to do with sex, and are largely important parts of marriage. I’m not saying that single people would or should change their minds, but I am saying I was tricked by media depictions of hookup culture and the popularization of ads for dating apps for young people that made dating, the thing that could potentially choose the person you live with the rest of your life, as a little speed situation numbers game where people are completely disposable, humans aren’t shopping apps, and I feel like that’s what this country has devolved its coverage of marriage to. We both haven’t gotten past the idea of men “owning” their wives, but now there’s an additional layer of disposability, and no prioritization of communication and commitment in the ways our media depicts marriage. So for the people who /do/ want to date or marry, the social conscious configuration of what “dating” is supposed to mean is toxic and dangerous. There is so much soft and hard power over wether someone can live life single. It would absolutely be an option. I worry a bit about how society has hyper individualized and I don’t think living alone is for most people in the sense that it gets harder in older years and I worry about social cohesion, but that’s something that I only worry about if people don’t make friends outside, which is covered in this about third places. :) it would be nice if people felt like “I live alone as long s as I want, and if I want to take up roommates for a little I can choose to, back and forth, that in itself is a normal and aspirational life” instead of feeling like we need to impose beliefs about the whole “marriage, dig, kids” on everyone. So long as the people who /actually/ want to be married and /actually/ want to be single are able to get that safely and happily, we’ll have a good society.
As a partnered polyamorous person on the aro spectrum, I'm so happy to see my niche identity represented in your survey and your discussions as always. That's what I notice about your video essays is that you consider a lot of perspectives and try to use very inclusive language! Thank you for the meaningful discussion. When I didn't have a nesting partner I was very happy single, but constantly being asked when I would partner up despite being young (early 20s). And now I have a partner I see how a lot of things like social events, applications, housing, cooking, and visa are catered to or favored towards a monogamous (often hetero) relationship. I do have that stereotypical queer polyamorous dream of living in a big place with my partner(s) and close friends and our fur or non-furry children.
I've been thinking about the possibility of being aro and polyamorous and you're the first person I saw using both of these labels since, so I guess this made me happy but kind of worried as well. I'm still a teenager, but seeing my allo friends having their life planned makes me anxious, I don't have a script.
There is a reason that the "Fake Marriage/Engagement" trope is common USA romance novels. It is pretty realistic here that someone could have a better chance at getting promoted, have a requirement to get an inheritance, or need someone to get into a homing situation only if they have a partner real or not.
I always say if I win the lottery and come into some real money I’d like to do two things. One is buy a plot of land that is being obviously sold to build a ton of homes and do nothing with it so the animals that live there aren’t evicted. And my other is to build a safe and new apartment community that is for lower income people. Almost everything that is built new now is for rich people.
I'm 18, just started working and thinking about moving out of my grandparents' place to (hopefully) live alone, but I'm really anxious about it. I have no idea what the situation is in my country with these things. When I was still dating my ex boyfriend, we were planning to move in together, but I broke up with him partly because I realized he was expecting me to pay for everything with my income while he's studying in uni. At first I thought "fine, I'll manage that", but then I realized that that's actually insane and he tried to convince me that paying for two people "isn't that different from paying for one person". Now I'm not completely sure I'll be able to live even on my own.
Omg! Good job for standing up for yourself. He was for sure trying to taking advantage of you. Try to find a woman or 2 that you can be roommates with. You can hold them accountable for their messes and they won’t bug you for sex when you get home from work. Never live with an unemployed man. I would even say, regardless of relationship status, get your own room. Men have 15x more testosterone than women 24/7/365, we usually have a 28-day cycle. “Sexual conflict.” Men were never supposed to have access to a woman 24/7/365. Most men are not sexually disciplined. Don’t let a man baby-trap you.
@@user-uz24y37g agreed 😔 We were dating for 2,5 years and the first year or so was nice, but then I started seeing that he's actually pretty lazy, messy, wants my attention a lot (and he tried to argue that it's my duty as his girlfriend, so it should come before my plans/work/other stuff) and he's really dependent on his parents, so if we did live together I'd probably have to act as his "mom"
@@Snowicorngood thing your both young hopefully you and him can learn from this situation. All he had to do was get a part time job. Clean after himself. Have rotational chores and he could have still been with you😂.
@@easyw1220 Well he manages to clean after himself now and he can cook, so it's not *that* bad XD But there's also other stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable with him, so it doesn't gelp much
@@Snowicorn If you have a family member you can stay with, you should go. You should never stay around a guy giving you uncomfortable or creepy vibes. Follow your 6th sense: *Intuition.* He believes it’s your “duty as his girlfriend”. You are not obligated to have sx when you don’t want to, regardless of relationship status. I think it’s dangerous to be around a male that lacks self-control and emotional intelligence. He doesn’t understand boundaries. It’s not your job to fix a male. Or be his Mother. If for some reason you can’t leave at the moment, look up resources like women’s groups. Make and keep your money and leave. You should look up “types of abuse” and make sure that’s not what you’re in. Also “cycle of abuse”. I think Kristi Burke & Princella The Queen Maker are awesome with interesting perspectives. And this channel of course.
Good video with a topic that’s been on my mind for quite some time. Thank you! I‘m in the situation where I‘m living alone in an apartment I can afford, but I‘m not happy with the situation and prefer communal living. Been searching with two friends for a apartment to do a flatshare for quite some time, but most landlords open their business with the line „no flatshares allowed“. Family’s are so welcome and sought after that we even considered acting like a couple and having a sister or something with us to be even considered for an apartment. We have a lot of disposable income we‘re willing to put into the rent but most landlords don‘t care if its not a family, a couple or a wealthy single person renting.
That's so strange! I wonder why landlords don't want flat shares? I mean couples break up, so can families, what's wrong with friends sharing? Maybe they're afraid of parties and house damage? But in that case, have they ever seen what a kid can do??
I think there‘s still the image of a flat share consisting of partying young people (= making noise and destroying stuff), something you „need to grow out“ of. :/
This makes me scared as a teen living in Canada. I don't have the most supportive parents so it's always been a distant dream of mine to one day move out and be able to live without them. But as I grow older and closer to the age of post-secondary. I fear I might really be stuck with my family for a long time. I recognize that even being able to live in a house without worrying for food or shelter is a privilege. I just hope that I can escape one day 🛋️
So I live in the state of Oregon in United States. I have adhd and autism so I am mentally disabled. It's VERY challenging to find a job and I am currently unemployed. I am also single. Because of my lack of income my apartment tried to evict me (however I am able to get rent assistance to cover the past due amount). I am worried about future rent because rental help only covers people facing evictions. They will probably try to evict me again down the road. To apply for disability in Oregon is a pain. And even if approved it is not enough to cover my rent. I also suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome so the thought of packing all of my things and moving from the third floor stresses me out. I have back pains as well. It's just soo frustrating that no one really looks out for the disabled. It can feel really lonely and isolating :/ I'm 38 years old with no romantic prospects.
I like the people that I work with but they definitely pressure me to date. Most of them are older and married with kids. Cool that they care but also somewhat inappropriate 😅
100% inappropriate I reckon! I know it's like a "societal norm" but especially in a workplace, just in the same way where colleagues ask me when I'm having kids like... please don't ever ask that!
@@BryonyClaire OMG this. The whole asking if someone is gonna have kids, like...F OFF, it could be really traumatic to ask that, and it's super personal even if it isn't. Man if anyone asks me that I'm just gonna be really crass and make them embarrassed, lol.
@@ErutaniaRose I have the lucky combo of being unable to carry a pregnancy to term and not wanting to touch motherhood with a 10 ft pole, So I get to put on a sad face and tell nosey assumptive a-holes that I'd rather they not bring it up to me again, as I can't have kids. There's been a couple times I've managed to bring tears to my eyes too. It's awesome, I highly recommend everyone do it. While some might say "well it's rude to lie about being infertile if you're not." It's far more rude to let people go about prying into extremely sensitive personal issues without making them wish they had minded their own business in the first place. For every person you make feel horrible for assuming you'd reproduce, there is at least one actually infertile people who want kids being interrogated about why they don't have them yet. You have permission, as someone who actually can't actually reproduce, to use my card to put those people in their place. It's for the greater good.
I used to live with a friend of mine and we got along great. Shortly after moving into a new place, she told me she wanted to live alone. She said it was because she wanted to be more independent, to live by herself, to structure her life in a way that allowed for finding a partner. Can't say I wasn't feeling betrayed but I did my best not to take it personally. She ended up renting a place for at least double the amount of our old rent and recently her landlord increased it even more, so now she's looking again. I live alone too because I didn't want to deal with another person changing their mind and me being stuck with a big place. The financial burden is not that crushing for me as I lucked out with a cheap place, but my biggest issue is I have no one to leave my dog with. She's pretty stressed if I leave her with friends and a dog hotel is out of the question. Basically I'm stuck, can't go on vacation, I dread having an emergency because who will take care of my dog? People don't just up and leave their lives to care for a friend's pet. The only reason I've ever contemplated seeking out a relationship is to share the responsibility for her.
I think it would be awesome to have more hostel style housing where there is a big kitchen and everyone gets their own mini fridge for their food but then there is the "share" fridge where you can out leftover green onions and other food scraps that anyone can use for their food so there is less waste. Preferably some all women hostels as well, which is something I would feel more comfortable with. Having a lot of living room spaces where you can be by yourself if you wanted or get together for movie nights would be awesome! 🛋
re: the moving in with roommates, In the US, I don't think it's legal to just move into an apartment with roommates, unless the landlord is willing to make changes in the lease. Like if it was found that you were on the lease but you had a bunch of roommates that weren't, you'd get in trouble.
I think you can get a current lease amended to reflect a new roommate without creating an entirely new lease, but it's totally up to the discretion of the landlord.
Really? I never knew that, I mean I've had to sign onto leases when I'm just a flatmate in the past here, but again it's such a social norm to have flatmates that it's kind of a given that you'll have others to help pay the high costs
@@BryonyClaireYes, because landlords do not want people with undesirable backgrounds living in their properties. Also fire codes. Two people per bedroom. Landlords need to know who is in their property.
The idea of designing housing to encourage more communal living among friends and family is an interesting idea, and I wonder if there are any examples of those communities running.
Side note but the idea of buying land, building tiny houses and growing our own food sounds so amazing in some ways but also so impossible in others 🤍🥲 we should be able to live in a cottagecore fantasy ✨ 🧚♀️ 👩🌾 if we want 🥺
It can be possible, those green stock verticals growers can produce a lot in a very small space, why not start with that? And then move to a 1 or 2 acre farm and construction plot, with an estate agent you can find good bargains and it’s easy to ask for your payment to be spread out over a long period of time. You could start that, you’d need some preservation skills but it could be doable, and with the unclaimed money you may have in govt storage you could access it may give you the starting finance to procure that down payment for it, or for the green stalk verticals grower itself
I'm just about to get married here in about 5 months and in the meantime I got my last quote for car insurance as a single woman. $157 per month was the BEST rate I could get here in FL (where shit has just gotten crazy) without sacrificing my coverage. I haven't had any accidents or claims ever, but I replaced my windshield once in 15 years. (Which in FL is a state requirement, so not even considered a claim) I drive a Camaro though which might be the only reason it's so high. Everyone says my rates are gonna be so much better once I get married and I really hope so. Because, $157 a month for car insurance is a bit ridiculous. Why does my martial status affect my insurance of my ability to protect my assets? I have no clue either.
My friends and I are all in our late 20s and we're all in the same boat. I'm living at home with my parents, and 4 younger siblings. I have a friend who's a single mother and raising her daughter while still living at home w/her parents bc she simply can't afford to move out. Another friend who is living with her boyfriend and his parents bc they can't afford to get their own place either. My cousin is 29 and is living with his wife, 3 kids who are all under 8 years old, and his parents in a 3 bedroom apartment. My cousin and his wife both have good high-paying jobs, but single or not, shit is way too expensive to be able to move out and survive. One of my coworkers doesn't have a family or partner to support her, and she's been living w/her son in a car for the past year. Shit is crazy out here.
Far out that's terrible! Serious cost of living crisis and it baffles me how little support is given from the govt, it keeps being blamed on people "being bad with money" and blaming the individual - nah, it's the structures that are screwed!
I lived with roommates after college until medical issues forced me to find my own place. Been living alone since 2015 and it works really well for me. Unfortunately, my rent keeps going up, so who knows how long I'll be able to stay in my current place. I'm supremely lucky in that my parents have assured me that I can move into their spare room if I can't make rent, but as much as I adore them, I really want to have my own place so I can be physically not in pain from environmental factors (I'm very sensitive to heat, leading to headaches and nausea). Pretty sure I'll never own property, which sucks 😂💀
Finally!!!! I'm so glad this is finally discussed! A few years ago, I wanted to move out on my own. I had a lot of family problems at that time and needed the space and independence. But I couldn't afford it, despite working full time. I then asked my friends if they wanted to share a place, but none of them were ready at the time to move. So my boyfriend of one year suggested we move in together. Long story short, we ended up breaking up (mostly because of financial issues), and I had to move back with my family. As someone who still just wants to live alone, WHY is it so damn hard?? I don't plan on getting married or having kids. I just want the independence of being on my own. My best friend and I have now decided to eventually get a place together, once both of us are able to, but it's so frustrating how long it takes just to have that freedom. Also, I live in South Africa, where the cost of living has also gone up severely just in these past years, due to inflation, after-effects of Covid, corruption and an increased tax (we now pay 15% tax on everything). Food is extremely expensive, as well as electricity (because we have an electricity crisis as well), and petrol/diesel prices continue to go up. We don't really have flatmates (at least, how I grew up it was never considered normal) mainly because of the high crime rate and as a female, it is extremely unsafe, unless it is someone you know really well. Still, I'd rather struggle and be on my own than enter a marriage I never wanted just to be better off. I have to add that I love the idea of friends getting a place together. My best friend and I are so excited to share a place, because we get along so well and are very similar when it comes to how we spend our money, chores, etc. It's honestly the best solution, and - although living alone would be nice - I think it would get lonely after a while. If I could I would just buy a big house with a group of close friends and share the home with them.
Honestly, I don't think I can afford to be single, even though I am. I work part time and have a learning disability and can't live on my own. I don't know of any guys who want the old fashioned nuclear family anymore.
Same here. I am both physically and mentally disabled (all of them are invisible disabilities) and I can't even find employment honestly. Since most places that accommodate will only accommodate physical or mental disabilities never both--even though all I need is like a place to sit, a calculator, and paper copies of things with slightly bigger spacing that I can even format or print out myself. I can even bring my own stool and calculator and have offered and many places won't allow it. Currently living at home with my boomer parents after being fired from a job due to my disabilities over a year ago and just trying to sort out medical things so I can maybe go to school and work.
@@ErutaniaRosemay i ask why you were fired from a job due to my disabilities? and Maybe companies could do a better job with people with disabilities somehow? i could do so research.
We literally had to join the military so we could actually live a normal life. We were on the brink of loosing our home for almost a year. I’m very excited for this new life!! I’m excited for stability..people complain about the quality of the military living but…they sound privileged because I rather have SOMETHING then nothing. I’ve had nothing for five years…I’ll take the “military grade” living over nothing any day. But it shouldn’t be a last resort like that.
I have never had a positive experience with roommates/flatmates. I hate living with strangers. If something happens to my partner who I live with, I'm absolutely fucked.
Being alone together doesn't really work. If I want to be alone that means I literally don't want anyone in the house. I want to be able to walk freely around my living space without the fear of another person seeing me. I don't even want to talk to them, so sharing costs would barely work because you can't split grocery costs with someone who you don't speak with.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years and are still barely squeaking by financially. I started organizing a tenants' union on Saturday. None of this gets better if we don't fight it.
Love your video! I live in the UK on my own (with pets) and my career only picked up in my late 20s, before it was a constant struggle for survival. Although I live comfortably now at 30, looking back my 20s were work and work and over-hours and you guessed it more work. Sure I live nice now but to what price? Little to no friends, constantly busy and 2 periods with burn-out. I feel like I am starting to actually live my life now. The choice shouldn't be to survive or to have hobbies/relationships and it's only getting worse!
I can't tell you how much this means to me and how good it feels to hear someone put this together so intelligently and with a lot of compassion and insight.
Person from Poland here. I lived with my parents until my late twenties because I couldn't work while studying and after I got my degree I had trouble finding work, when I finally did the wages were quite poor. But finally I was able to rent something, at first sharing an apartment with my friend, but after a year she found a romantic partner, decided to move out to live with him. At first I stayed for a while in that apartment just by myself, then moved out to a studio apartment but to be honest most of the time I just got by. After a total of 4 years of renting places this year I moved back to my parents house. We talked about it and decided it's unreasonable for me to spend like 80% of my income on rent, utilities and food if I can have a part of the family house for myself (bedroom, living room and a kitchen, we have to share a bathroom though) and just pitch in a much smaller amount of money towards shared bills. So yeah, now I'm in my 30s, back to living with my family but at least now I can save some money for emergencies instead using all my paycheck for basic living expenses. And I make more than minimal wage! As for roommates, I live in a small town and the issue is it's really hard to find some, even if I wanted to live with total strangers. People here either live alone if they can afford it, or in with their parents or with their partners/spouses. And nobody is renting just a room, it's a whole apartment or nothing. It's different in bigger cities where there are universities and students looking for rooms to rent or people coming to work there, but for the smaller towns like mine it's unheard of. And most of the apartments are not made with roommates in mind! When I was looking for a place to rent with my friend we looked for a long time because most of them consisted of a bedroom and an open living room with a kitchen so one person would have absolutely no privacy, not even a door to close. Or, there were separate rooms but one was really tiny, barely fitting a bed and the other really really big. Obviously there were made with couples in mind, to use the small room as a cozy bedroom and the big one as a spacious living room, not for two friends to have equal, separate spaces. Bigger apartments are really expensive and studio apartment are barely cheaper, like there's only 200-300 difference between renting a studio and renting a two room apartment. So yeah, living alone on one income? Really, really difficult.
I am so lucky to be living with a partner in a low-income area and we both have stable 40hr/wk jobs, but we STILL have to drain all of our accounts every month just to afford bills and neither of us can build up ANY sort of savings. It's ridiculous.
Here in the UK there’s something called co-housing, which is a commune-lite. So basically you have your own flat/house but share outdoor space, community space, and vehicles. Usually it’s for people who are like-minded, but it’s not about following a leader or guru or anything. I wish it was more commonly known. 🛋
I live with my parents, I’m 21 and they’re currently okay with me being unemployed as long as I help take care of my nephew and some of the chores around the house. We live in a seven person household, both my parents work 40 hour work weeks and one of my sisters starts her new job next month, I’m not sure what her hours look like. I’m aroace and only have online friends, so I doubt I’ll be able to move out on my own, but I do hope to start earning money through art commissions to help get some stuff around the house that my parents never have money for, like fixing our gutters and getting new fire alarms. I’d also like to start buying projects to do with my nephew or buy a new game for us to play every once in awhile.
I once looked into renting together with friends (in the Netherlands) and it used to be not allowed to live with someone, other than yourself that was not your partner or offspring. There is a new rule now because of the housing market to "accommodate" starters. But there are a lot of rules and these contracts can negatively impact some of your financial benefits such as your pension, and rental allowance. The world of housing is cruel to single people, it is almost impossible to afford something alone and as you said it is not being built much as it has less profit.
I'm so sorry for those who were part of the early gang and sat through the skit when it was silent, due to the time difference I have my videos go live whilst I'm still sleeping, so I was blissfully unaware until I woke up and saw the comments, so I had to groggily re-edit, re-export, re-upload so now we're here!
Glad you re-uploaded, I was so confused but I loved your video, will re-watch!
Been single much of my adult life, been living solo most of my adult life (minus 1 year), so this is deeply relatable! Wish I had taken part in the survey, I forgot to finish it 😅 but love to see the stats.
It’s expensive to be single. I’ve lived that reality & plan to make content on it. Thank you for reminding me it’s more relevant than ever! ❤
W
@Liolia22 i feel so bad! it is a sadly hugely relevant issue which is only getting harder, it's like people are being forced into relationships to survive, it would be great if you made content about it honestly, I think there's a gap for sure
ahh I was confused at the start for a moment I was like "what is happening???" But that explains it! It's all good tho dw :]
I thought it was silent on purpose, lol. The imagery and facial expressions got the point across really well. I just threw out some rotten produce today, in fact!
I'm a librarian and I just want to say, a lot of libraries are not quiet spaces anymore! There will most likely be some reserved areas for quiet study, but libraries absolutely should be seen as social places. Please support your local libraries in every way you can by using them, going to programs, and advocating for them to your local government. Don't let them close! Show your community the true value of your local library!!
Oh that's great! I'm glad to hear that, I am a supporter of libraries existing, I know that a number have been shut down hence my worry here
Also this video was extremely well-done and well-researched but it made me so depressed lol. As someone who doesn't ever want to be in a relationship and wants to live completely alone I just feel like, what am I supposed to do? Is there any hope for me? Is there any hope at all?
@galueshticks I'm sorry I didn't want people to feel depressed! In terms of short term solutions, I really don't know what to suggest. Long term ones are the changes I was suggesting we advocate for on a global political level, but when it comes to living entirely alone in a cost of living crisis, I don't have any simple fixes
Librarians are the true superheroes this world needs. 📒 📙 📓
damn. my town had a library i’d go to as a kid it was like a old old church building and they took it down!!😩
A job recruiter literally told me to "get a boyfriend" when I said I couldn't afford to rent in a city where the job was. THE AUDACITY.
Nowadays due to inflation, the actual advice should be "get two girlfriends" because you need at least 3 incomes in order to live comfortably, and gay relationships mean less risk of having children and that you won't be as much at risk of the financial ruin having kids will cause.
I had roommates when I was younger. You don't need a spouse.
@@namehere4954 it's still cheaper when you are in a relationship, only one room required whereas with roommates you usually have to pay for two bedrooms
or get a girlfriend, as a friend and housemate to live with? Thats what Ive done. I spend about 1/5 or a fifth of my take home income on rent. Matter of fact is its just far more cost efficient to live with someone in most cases.
Yeah there are cons to living with friends, but some pros are: youre not lonely, you got someone to eat dinner and watch tv and chat with, someone to share chores and bills with.. and youre saving money. Me and my friend just got a cat so we got a cosy little home, a home thats far cheaper than what most people pay. We also have the luxury of affording to live in the city centre, and I have a short walk to work.. all affordable because I co habit with a friend.
@@philosophicalblueberry8986 Very true! I have no problem getting a room mate, but the recruiters immediate suggestion to depend on a man put a bad taste in my mouth. When the alternative would be to recruit me to companies that pay a living wage.
As an aromantic, asexual person. This has been on my mind because it’s my very real lived reality.
I look at what single men do. They aren't healthy , but they are efficient, living on powdered energy drinks and protein bars. One batch of takeout is stretched over 4 days.
I feel for you. Though I am very much not asexual, I have been fighting to keep my head above water ever since I was 17 and on my own. For a couple years I would sit and cry because I was just slaving away and still barely making ends meet despite making over double minimum wage in my state and all my friends in the same age group seemed to be doing alright. They had decent newer cars and actually went on vacations, had decent apartments, are well, got to go out from time to time, and I just couldn't figure out how they were doing it until I realized that everyone who wasn't a missed day of work away from losing everything were all in serious committed monotonous relationships. They all just both worked and shared rent, food, bills, and a vehicle. They weren't living lavishly by any means, but they weren't constantly treading water either. That's when it hit me that, at least here in the US, we are forced to partner with someone just to survive.
Conservatives here cry that Americans aren't popping out 3+ crotch goblins each to avoid having to rely on immigration, but refuse to acknowledge that our society is now structured to make it impossible for a person to even just support themselves, let alone three dependents.
It's horrible because it forces people into relationships they aren't ready for or should have never been in to begin with and then makes it economically impossible to leave. My sister was left homeless for months when she left her abusive boyfriend because she did not make enough money to qualify for any of the rentals in her college town. It's horrible.
Yeah, my plan is to get a platonic partner who can help support me and I can help support them. I do not care about the gender because well it's platonic
@@abigailgriffin-wc3fmsame.
No kidding. I've never been able to afford a house by myself.
A little off-topic, but after getting married, I moved my banking to the bank my husband used. We set up out joint checking and savings, but had always planned to have separate checking/savings as well. We transfer money into our joint accounts after our individual checks have hit our single accounts. The guy at the bank setting up my new (single) checking and savings kept questioning if I "needed" ones by myself as I already had the accounts that I shared with my husband. *insert eyeroll* He also questioned why we had different last names and seemed low-key offended when I told him that I didn't need to wait on my name change to open the accounts as I had zero plans to change my name then or in the future (celebrating my 5 year anniversary in a week and still haven't with no plans to).
I got the accounts opened and filed a complaint with the bank manager. It took twice as long as it should have with his questioning things that weren't his business.
That's such an outdated and weird assumption, good on you for filing a complaint! Hell yes you need your own account, I'm a big believer in shared accounts for shared expenses but partners having their own money, too, it makes so much sense to me
That's horrible, but not surprising in the least. I sort of want to make the commitment that I won't marry a man who wouldn't change his last name to mine because 95% of the time men say they wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't and it's about damn time a woman got to make those same demands. It really sucks because I honestly don't care if someone changes their last name to mine or not, but I refuse to be the one constantly getting questioned about my name due to sexism. If a man loves me enough to make a lifelong commitment, he'll just have to be okay being the one explaining to misogynists why none of it is any of their damn business, and even if it was, we wouldn't value or respect their opinions on the matter.
Wow. I'm happy that you filed a complaint with that teller. My mom and dad brained it into me since I was little to always separate my money from whoever I marry or in a relationship with, and they have separate accounts as well.
I kept my last name, my husband kept his but uses mine most of the time (at church, when he introduces himself, etc). I’ve had people react with surprise but I’ve never really been interrogated about it, maybe it’s because my last name it metal af and when people realize it’s my “maiden name” they understand why I kept it (it’s Falkenrath). I’m sorry that guy was such a jerk to you.
@@BoringTroublemakeromg your name is metal af. if i was ur hubbie i'd use it too, damb
My grandfather worked in the meat department at the local grocery store. He was able to buy a 5 bedroom home and raise 12 children on that wage... and live comfortably
Crazy how that was possible not too long ago. Shits getting worse by the day it seems sometimes.
How many hours per week did he work? How much paid vacation days did he have??
@@Odumase a lot of people dont have paid vacation days now so it is a moot point
Im sorry? Five bedrooms and 12 kids? Must be rather miserable for those childern, with a lack of privacy. Also shocking that he could affort five bedrooms at all with a job like that! Truly.
@@grenadefullofguts kids today are spoiled and act like they are abused if they aren’t given their own room (for “privacy”), a cell phone, a laptop, and all the modern luxuries that people growing up literally 30 years ago lived without. I grew up in the 80s/90s and everyone shared a room. We didn’t have giant McMansions , most suburban houses had 2-3 bedrooms max so most kids were sharing rooms. It was just normal. Kids today are soft af.
It's heartbreaking to think of the amount of people remaining in bad situations because they can't possibly afford to live on their own. I have 2 kids too so 3 bedroom place? What? My sister left her ex recently and she had to get a 2 bedroom to barely afford to get out so she sleeps in the living room.
Speaking of the mortgage, we bought a home the year before covid. Our mortgage for a decent sized 3 bedroom plus den is minimum 800 less than even the shittiest one bedroom apartment around here.
It's awful, right? Truly change needs to happen on multiple levels, I hope your sister's situation improves, that's terrible. Single mothers have to deal with such an extra brunt of issues, it's brutal
@@lallana2882 I bought a 3br home for $150 less than I was renting a tiny run down bedroom and sharing a tiny living space with 4 other people. That USDA rural housing loan is the only reason I'm not homeless right now.
I had so many traumatic experiences with roommates that, had I not been able to get my house, I was planning to just live in my vehicle, as I couldn't afford any single bedroom rentals (like $1200+ a month, over double my monthly mortgage.) These rental companies are robbing two entire generations of homes, retirement, children, health care, etc that we would have been able to achieve had we not been price gouged into oblivion just to put a roof over our heads.
tell your sister to just let the idea of everyone needing their own room go.. it is just “nuclear family” bullshit.. we all need a place to keep our stuff and to get away from each other now and again but needing a room for every body is just a way to get us to keep working for stuff we don’t need.. she has her freedom, she has her kids, and that’s all we really need.
now i finally understand why i had to grow up with a shitty absent father .. in the same house .. yes absent in the same house it’s very possible he didn’t raise me what so ever. yk how embarrassing it is when u have to tell ur friends that ur parents aren’t together they hate eachother and just live in the same house but not for the benefit of you no because it destroys you mentally with seething anger and resentment 😁😁😁😁😁
I'm so glad you mentioned third spaces! I work in a library and there is such a misunderstanding around them these days. They're community hubs where people can come together, for free, and spend as much time as they want without any expectations. We have baby time and toddler time for both parents and kids to socialise, homework club for teens, digital literacy classes and one on one bookings, movie nights, book launches with the author, book clubs, d&d groups, and crafting groups.
Public libraries aren't a "hush" place anymore - that's more of a research library thing, which makes sense when you think of the audience it's there for.
You're the third person who's brought this up! Clearly my experience is outdated haha, it's great that they are social hubs :)
I literally got chased out of my library for talking in a hushed voice. I had to run !
I just wanted to add one more thing.
People already hate street kids dealt a bad hand, people escaping trafficking trying to figure out what its like to be a person for the first time in adulthood, etc... I was both of these things when I was young. The first step to getting me out of a situation where I was trafficked since childhood was getting on OW (Canadian welfare) and renting a room somewhere. They gave me around $700 a month. Period. Nowadays, people in these scenarios don't have a chance and it is a part of a capitalist genocide of people society seems "undesirable." It keeps the cycles of child exploitation and trafficking going. Had I escaped in the year 2023, I wouldn't have a chance.
Im glad you highlighted this they are definitely trying to get rid of everyone they deem undesirable.
Thank you for sharing your story. I did not have a childhood even close as traumatic as yours was. I was abused by family members when we had nowhere else to go as a child. I've often thought about how differently my life would have turned out if money hadn't been such an issue. My mother could have protected me, we wouldn't have been stuck with those people. At this point society has made the middle class poor and the lower class is dying, literally just passing away in the street.
the fact that i can read this so casually makes me so viscerally horrified, trafficking really is that common of an occurance
I had a similar situation- I was able to escape after miraculously snagging a line cook job and renting a room for $300 a month. I thought I was unbelievably lucky then, but there's just no way I would have made it nowadays. It's just so tragic.
Counterpoint: Getting married is very expensive. Having kids is very expensive. Getting divorced (which is very common) can be even more expensive and cost you for a long time.
I lived alone most of my life, though I lived with partners too. Financially responsible people are even harder to find than good partners. I've found my expenses were always higher when I lived with a partner.
Financially responsible people are even harder to find than good partners. 👍
Yeah, I did better financially single than in enmeshing relationships for sure.
Getting married isn't expensive, having a wedding is (often) expensive.
It is only expensive to get married if you want to have the "dream wedding", its affordable to just get married in a court house like many people do. Also this video is about being forced to become partners, its a personal choice to have kids and in the current climate its almost discouraged. As well as divorce goes, its the natural way for things to go when people feel they are forced to get into romantic relationships just to survive. I'm not sure what country you live in but right now in nz its far better to have a second income coming in at the same time, which is either getting a second job, or get a romantic partner
Also agree with those saying marriages are expensive. My wife and I got married for less than $300. Also, I respect anyone who does not want to be married (it's definitely not for everyone) however, I believe that singles aren't punished (per-say) it's just harder to live alone. I think it's always harder to live alone (since the dawn of humanity).
Something that wasn't touched on is how easy it is if you are someone with a disability (or just someone people decide are "different") renting with roommates is very dangerous and often becomes an abusive situation. I started spending most of my pay on a bachelor and just starved because it had happened multiple times in a row with roommates where I ended up in an abusive situation where I would be too afraid to go home. Being someone with a disability, I was constantly harrassed, blamed for any mess so I would often clean the whole house every day, extorted and threatened for money, and even had a girl try and fight me. Not to mention if I spent money on food it was gone immediately, but if I were to touch theirs in return I'd be threatened to "fight." It was far more expensive to live with roommates because of all this and I usually felt too unsafe to even go home.
oh holy damn, i would be willing to have roommates in another country like japan only to make friends but maybe room mates aren't needed for me. and You look pretty from your channel Why can't you find a Boyfriend to live with you?
I had to get a restraining order on one roommate, another tried to get me evicted because she wanted moved to a unit with a balcony but didn't want to pay the transfer fee, and my last one and her boyfriend were actually self-described nazis. I've had some normal horrible roommates too that didn't try to ruin my life or want to genocide me, like the ones that use everyone's dishes but doesn't wash them to the point that we'd leave our dishes with with anti-chewing spray for puppies to get her to stop. One that was never home and I essentially had to adopt her dog because she wouldn't have starved to death in her own waste stuck in the apartment if I hadn't, then I got billed for all the damages it caused even though it never was my dog. It definitely sucks out there
@@TheAwesomes2104i would never live with a roommate with a dog and from what your saying i wouldn't even consider a room mate. maybe if i get a girlfriend that fine. if i had a friend i would let them stay with me but a random stranger oh hell no.
@@Marty_TH-camr the bad part is that the restraining order one and the one that tried to get me evicted were my friends for multiple years before we started living together and their true nature came out. But several friends were also good roommates. It's impossible to know
My aunt bought this small house and allowed this other guy to be roommates with her.
He took the bedroom and had her sleeping on the couch.
When she got cancer and had to be looked after from surgery, he refused to do anything because, from his words, "Didn't want to appear like a slave for a white woman."
He would cook every day for the dog when it was alive but not for her when she couldn't move around.
So my mom had to stay with her to help her recover.
Around then, he wanted to make room in the house and made her get rid of all her paintings and art supplies. My mom offered to take it all with her home so they won't get destroyed.
Dude was seriously messed up. I still don't understand why they live together or why even she still let's him stay and control her like that.
The last I heard from my aunt, apparently, he's trying to convince her to sell her house and give him the money before she dies...
At this point it’s genuinely tempting to run off into the woods and become a hermit
Hey, if you do, take me with you LMAO 😂 I will get some survival books from the library!
I think a big problem with buying with friends is that the expectation of having a partner someday is so internalized that I would expect them to get a partner some day no matter what they said pre-loan. And having a ‘pre-nup’ like contact between friends is just as difficult to enforce when it requires court action to evict them and/or they can’t afford to go elsewhere or you can’t afford to buy out their share of the house etc.
i like my friends but i wouldn't live with them in america, but i would stay with them if we were traveling to another country. But as a American i think living flatmates is too much for me. But maybe i could consider living with a friend but i barely have enough friends and would only be doing it to be nice not because i really want them to live with me.
@@trekadouble757Yes i love your point here.
wanting intimacy with someone and wanting children are both natural instincts
@@trekadouble757You're right that both of those desires do come naturally for a lot of people! However there absolutely is a lot of social pressure to do them as well. This is felt by everyone, but is especially obvious in how society reacts when somebody decides they don't want those things.
As this video points out, amatonormativity makes living as a single person almost unfeasible in some area because of how expensive it is. But it goes beyond financial pressure. Think of how single people are often pressured by their families to "find someone" and "give us grandbabies" even if they've made it clear they're not interested. Think of the many negative stereotypes associated with being single (you must be sad/lonely/desperate/lazy/ugly/etc.), which are a form of social pressure. Think of how society is so structured around couples that even the piece of wisdom "it takes a village to raise a child" is largely not practiced.
For those who do fall naturally into romance and having children, these sorts of pressures can still be harmful (ie, someone staying in a toxic relationship because it's "better than being alone"), but for those who do not, it's on another level.
People should be able to live in a way that makes them happy, single or with romantic partner(s), childless or not. But we are in a society that makes some of those options very difficult and even stigmatized in some groups, and that is the issue.
They’re saying that you can enter an agreement with a friend or whomever to go half on a home or whatever but at some point, that person will move out due to having a new partner/marriage. Basically, you can’t bank on someone being there forever despite what they said initially, because life happens. So what then?
@trekadouble757 Natural for you. Perhaps even natural for many. But in a way, that's a big part of the problem. If you go into a loan for a house with friends because none of you can afford to do it alone and none of you - at the time - have partners, or expect to get partners, or even 'think you don't ever want a partner' - the 'ole biology might cling to whoever you get a chance at later, disrupting a living situation that you have sunk money and have contractual obligations and entitlements to. It's a big mess waiting to happen. But what's the alternative for those people desperate to stop renting but can't afford to on their own? Difficult.
This is why my (in their 20s) two sons can’t afford to move out.
I lived through the 80s. Reaganomics only helped the wealthy.
Im in my 20s and was only able to afford to move out by living with my partner and 3 extra roommates :((
My sister and I (we’re both women) are also in our 20s and neither one of us can afford to move out of our parents house yet.
I want to get out as soon as I can to start my own life and family, but now I’m fearing that might not be possible
We also stayed with my parents until mid 20s. @@starstorm1267
As a disabled, single woman in my 30s who is ace/demi this has been on my mind. I worry I’ll be forced to settle down with someone I don’t really want to. I love my flat and I’m extremely lucky that it’s bought out by late relatives and I stay here rent free. I work part time and it’s still a struggle without rent to pay but I physically cannot work more. I love my own space and being single, 22/33 years of my life I have been abused by men and I don’t want to be in that position again. I want to afford to live my life alone.
Rock on sister
Maybe "marry " a woman friend? And just own a house together?
@@HosCreatesI don't think she's lesbian..
@@Auriiorwe don’t want to eat fish but if it saves on taxes whatever
Not to sound rude but like. You literally live rent free- you don't have to worry about living with someone when non of your income goes to pay that?
In the US the whole issue of developers only building single family homes has more to do with laws in many places quite literally making it ILLEGAL to build anything else. Its not necessarily that developers never want to build alternatives but that there’s too much red tape around doing so. It’s absolutely insane.
We can blame NIMBY's for that kind of behavior, and red lining, in particular in the USA. We deal with those issues here too (on a smaller degree as we're a tiny country) but the fight against densification is a very loud one done by rich people with a lot of time on their hands. Even when changes are suggested at a govt level, case studies are done, everything, they get shot down repeatedly because people "want to protect their investment" and "don't want the neighborhood to change (aka don't want non white, not wealthy people living there)". Brandon deals with this stuff all the time and it frustrates the hell out of him as city planning really isn't done in practical ways that will help people - again I can only speak to it here but I imagine the issues are similar over there
@@BryonyClaire Wow. Redlining has nothing to do with this. Red-lining had to do with laws banning black people from being able to buy in nicer locations and shit. It was racism.
In many areas of the US, part of the red tape (not redlining) has to do with what the local infrastructure can handle. The roads and sewers that were put in decades ago were more than adequate for the population at the time, but absolutely couldn’t handle the current population boom of rezoning those areas to be higher density. I’m in an area with a lot of single-family homes, and there’s been a lot of high density building on lots that were vacant. All that building sounds great until you find out that our power grid is struggling and that power outages are now normal. Try doing your college classes, but then the power goes out.
There’s nothing NIMBY about not wanting density to keep rising when it’s already resulting in the basic services being unusable at random. Portland, Oregon already has a severe shortage for parking, and so many streets are so narrow that buses can’t get down them unless street-parking is banned, but there’s a lack of garages for people to use instead. Many streets already only allow parking on one side. Portland went off and rezoned everything-all single family home lots can now have u for 4 units. Investors aren’t buying those lots to do that since there’s no parking and the pipes and electricity setup can’t handle it.
I live in a city, but there’s nothing wrong with people wanting to be in areas more spread out. There are a lot of people who prefer areas that are more dense, who would see it as hell if they had to spread out. There are a lot of people who prefer to be more spread out who shouldn’t be expected to cram closer.
There’s a huge problem with entitlement, where people think that wanting to live in a location entitles them to live there for what they can afford, even when everyone else wants to live there too and there’s more demand than there is space. More demand on limited resources means that prices will go up. Entitlement is literally resulting in costs for housing going up, but rather than acknowledging this, people complain.
When my family bought where we are, it wasn’t where we wanted to be. We weren’t entitled enough to think we deserved to be where we wanted just because we wanted to be there. We came where we could afford. Ironic that this is now one of the hot housing markets. We’ve still been very supportive of the apartments being developed and voted for the law that allowed them, but it sucks to not have reliable electricity anymore, and fucking infuriating when people think that wanting anything slowed is NIMBYism.
Well, let's also keep in mind that apartments are not necessarily desirable either. Not only do you have little to no control over your environment, but that setting also increases the odds of hostility, problematic situation, and potential violence.
Apartments shouldn't be able to be built anywhere, just like conventional homes shouldn't be able to be built anywhere.
City planning, although limiting, also has its merits.
Is it entitlement to want to live in a place with access to resources, culture and opportunities? No.
People aren’t asking to move into resorts. They just want an opportunity to join an actual community and most suburbs don’t offer that.
Suburbs need to e developed into proper communities, instead of being huge blocks of development with zero street appeal and big box stores the size of airports.
In Canada this is especially bad. Most small towns only want to cater to wealthy retirees and offer no resources to young professionals. Suburbs are dead. The 5 notable cities we have are overcrowded and expensive.
That and you need 1 acre for a family of 4 to feed themselves with their own garden but if you live in the city growing plants is basically becoming illegal. in Merica we we outlaw having problems, there problems gone.😭😭😭
Having being single most of my life I was only able to afford a house when my parents died. My last relationship was with someone who had a completely different lifestyle from mine and none of us would ever change their habits so living together was never an option and that definitely drew us apart. I live with two cats and two guinea pigs, and counting. I guess I'm poor and often lonely, buy my house is lovely and I can eat whatever I like whenever I want to 😅
Idk about you but I LOVE to make stews for myself.
It's perfect. People are being realistic about relationships and kids. It's not glamorous.
Goals!
It is my dream to live like that ❤️
Relationship requires shared goals and dreams not just attraction.
I'm all for having roommates, but everytime I've lived with multiple people, I've had problems with at least one person to the point where I dont feel welcome or peaceful or relaxed in the home. I would love to share expenses but it seems that finding the right roommates is more difficult than finding a good apartment. I've been burned WAYYY too many times and I just dont have the time to be vetting these people
Eating dust:
Instant coffee
Collagen protein powder
Whey protein powder
Potato powder
Oatmeal
Trail mix
Ramen
Instant rice as a treat.
Granola bars.
Liquids: tea and powdered electrolyte drinks.
Yup, dust!
Veggies: freeze them or dehydrate them. If you want it fresh, eat it in two days.
I have absolutely no idea what the context of this comment is because I just started the video, but now I'm curious wtf this is about.
I so badly want to live with friends living alone makes me so sad sometimes but I'm so disorganized they would definitely all end up hating me :(
@tarabesque3328 maybe you could live closer to friends or in the same complex someday!
Most fruits and vegetables are must more shelf stable than 2 days
Take a head of cabbage for example, I've been able to eat for weeks off of one head, sure some leaves are going to go limp but 95% of it is perfectly edible in those weeks
Peppers, cauliflower, green beans, radishes, etc, all veggies that keep well for over a week
Looking a little sad and wrinkly isn't the same as rotten
You can also prepare meals in bigger batches and freeze them per portion
The options, even for single people, are there
@@TheAwesomes2104just people not knowing when fresh produce is off...
Glad to see this video, it's such an under-discussed issue. Especially in the discussion of asexual and aromantic people's struggles.
What's aromantic sorry if this is silly lol
@@oshunthagreatAromantic generally means that you are not interested in having a romantic relationship with anyone. Like with asexuality, I'm pretty sure that it is also a spectrum, and not just "No romance, _ever,"_ but I could be wrong there. :P.
@@hannahmetzger4880 lmao good you clarified i thought no romance ever for sure. Its nice to know theres other options. I dont need to force myself to want what society tells me
@@oshunthagreatAromantic asexual here. I view it as the end of the romantic spectrum- “no romances at all.”
@@oshunthagreat orientation of having little to no romantic attraction. basically same principal as asexual but with romantic feelings instead of sex
aro ppls OPINIONS on romance may differ. for example, im aro and i like romance in media and for other ppl, but dont want any for myself (though sometimes a concept of a relationship do sound nice IF we imagine i *did* have the ability to fall in love). some aromantics are entirely romance-repulced, some are romance-positive, etc.
like asexuality, it can also be a spectrum! some ppl on the aromantic spectrum may feel romantic attraction, just very rarely and\or under specific conditions, but not everyone does. again taking me for example, i id as "fully" aro and i have never gotten a crush in my entire life, even on the supershallow kiddy level that kindergarteners do.
Oh my gosh, but the struggle to buy the appropriate, usable amount of food when I lived alone was so real! Milk, greens, and berries in particular were so hard to use before they went bad. :(
Not sure if this will work for you, but maybe it's worth trying. What I did with milk during the pandemic was to buy extra on my infrequent shopping trips and freeze it in water bottles. I drink skim, so I don't know how other percentages freeze, but the only issue I had was that there were sometimes little thick bits in the milk 😂 kinda gross texture-wise, but the taste was unaffected and it was better than not having milk at all. When I cooked with it, I couldn't notice a difference. Berries and cut fruit freeze well, especially if you start them out loose on a tray until they freeze hard, then transfer them to a ziplock bag or freezer container. They will thaw a bit soft, but the flavor is good imo. Try to eat them within a few months, as they can start to get that freezer-burn taste the longer they're frozen. They'll last longer if you use one of those bag-sealers that sucks the air out before melting it shut.
Greens… are delicate 😂 herbs can be frozen, especially in olive oil or butter (an ice cube tray works great for this). Garlic and ginger both freeze well when chopped finely (at least, that's how I do it cuz that's how I generally use them).
Hope some of this is helpful!
@@emilyrln In regards to milk, I highly recommend getting into oatmilk and similar plant-based alternatives. They can come in shelf-stable packaging and places like Kroger often have fixed cheap pricing and bulk deals on them. Depending on how much milk you drink, they're a much better alternative for most single people. Not to mention, lactose and gluten-free.
If you're not into the taste of plant milks, powdered milk still exists and is very useful if you're using milk every so often in large quantities, like for cooking. Whole milk freezes oddly sometimes if your freezer isn't perfectly functioning, so that's something to keep in mind.
@@lindenshepherd6085 Thanks for the recommendation! I don't have an issue getting through my milk; I just didn't want to go to the store very often during the height of the pandemic before vaccines :)
Hey, I used to cook at home most days when I was working in fast food. Then I started working in a job where I would have to drive 40min to and thru work everyday if I didn't stay at a cousin's place most of the week. I hate to see fruits and veggies go bad, but it's hard to cook, esp when said cousin is cooking most meals.
I still cook at home sometimes, but it would also be nice if some veggies were sold smaller quantities (spinach and radish are my particular pain points😅).
Ps you can freeze milk and berries. I've done it
This has affected me drastically being both autistic and asexual. I cannot work constantly due to being autistic but I do not qualify for benefits because I can work. Being ace makes it really difficult to navigate dating because the safest way for us is to date would be dating other romantic aces and it is really difficult to find ace communities in person. These two factors made it easier for me to get stuck in a lease with my ab*sive ex partner who SA'd me and physically ab*sed me when I stood up for myself. I was stuck in that dynamic for almost a year before my parents decided it was a good idea to send me money for a uhaul and drive home. If I did not have parents to live with I would probably be homeless or dead due to that period of my life.
im in this position no one ever sympathizes with how hard it is do be independent when you have health issues, and worse even when demanding respect is only seen as threatening to the other partner who might just decide one day to fucking walk out of your life, or ramp up the abuse more. hope you are doing ok.
It’s so funny you brought up how homes should be built differently, instead of always accommodating the typical nuclear family because I was JUST talking about that a few hours ago with my boyfriend! I mentioned how homes should be built now with the thought in mind that people live with their parents later in life and friends living together. Because who’s gonna get the master bedroom and whose gonna get the tiny “kids” bedrooms?
housing built for intergenerational families is something which would MASSIVELY help, honestly the amount we talk about housing design and how things aren't done in ways to actually work for most people's lives is quite ridiculous haha
Been living with my friends in a home for 17 years now, which means we're all in our early-40s. This is almost unheard of in the US. Pretty sure our neighbors think we're poly (my housemates are the ones in a relationship which was the case from the beginning). I find I have to clarify my single relationship status a lot if I bring up my home life, otherwise people make assumptions right off the bat. To avoid it, I usually just won't bring it up, which is sad because people should know there are other options out there
Or just stop caring what other people think
@@PlaywithDaisyYeah, but people eventually want to know how you live and it gets weird to lie
I think that's awesome and gives me a lot of hope for the future! I'm 30 and been living with my friends and their family for several years. Most of the household are queer or ace so there isn't this pressure for everyone to be in a couple which is nice. There is one couple in the house and that's it and all of us are friends too and we've all kind of agreed that we're just going to stick together at this point because it's better for all of us.
@@rosesweetcharlotte just lie. You don’t owe anyone anything. Not even honesty. People want to be entertained because they’re bored in their own life so entertain them and if you happen to lie, oh well, they should have entertained their self
As an autistic person i couldn't live with strangers that sounds like a nightmare i need some time to unmask and frankly some time without the sensory input of clothes. I am incredibly lucky that my parents own a house with a former horse stable attached which i can move into to basically become my parents neighbor and only pay for renovations and utilities no rent or mortgage
Thanks for covering this topic as a Black single American woman, the struggle is real here. It does feel like you're being punished. because you choose not to get married or have kids. I've always saw myself in old age doing a golden girl arrangement but right now at my current age I just want to live alone. It's such a struggle doing so because the cost of living wants to only reflect a 2 person, household: this sucks.
I like to be alone. When someone else is in the house I am constantly aware. I hear that person even if they are far away.
When I want alone time I want the house to myself. I need that down time to recharge. I need time when I don't have to wear my headphones to function.
Same!
❤
I much prefer to remain single because of the trauma of being sexually abused I don't think I can ever be in a romantic relationship with anyone
I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope you are able to get the support you need so that you don't feel limited in life that you can't enjoy being in a relationship (if that's what you want). Our past traumas do shape us, but I still believe they shouldn't have control over us for the rest of our lives, it's important to understand the triggers and a supportive partner will take that into account with you (mine does, it's possible to find people, though it is harder) 🤍
@@BryonyClaire thank you for your kind words 🙂
Fair. I've had similar experiences. I know for me I wanna find a partner someday, but idk. I hope whatever you end up doing with your life makes you happy, at least a little. Whatever that looks like.
@@BryonyClairehypergamy???
@@BryonyClaireYour only solution is married just for economical reasons??? Men doesn't want women who are only want their money, they can smell it since kilometers ago, this is a reality, this is one of the reasons they avoid a lot of women, especially if we are in our thirties, they know we could be an aspirant of a gold digger. I don't agree with that mindset but your video makes me think they are not wrong, not totally. Why do you think they want younger women?? Thinking in this issue, I can conclude they are not women who are bitter or sad by the struggles of life. I am being very rude, I know but why a person must be with a kind of heavy bag who can't give a value to the relationship just their precariety??
as a teenager in 2023, i am terrified for my future. By the time i move out, i dont think in going to be able to afford a place, and as im in a rush to leave my living situation, i fear that somebodys going to take advantage of me and my money because id have no experience renting/leasing. What makes it worse is school doesnt teach you budgeting, it doesnt teach you how to make sure your saving, and it doesnt even teach you what a mortgage is. Even if i had a partner or moved in with a friend, it would still be too much. Being young and not having much work experience your not likely to get jobs that pay quite well immediately, so most of your salary will be going towards rent and bills just to keep a roof over your head.
Tbh the financial advice will be do not buy ussles stuff and save at least 20% of your income in saving and 50% on needs, but when the needs take more then 85% of my income, and this is just rent and utilities may I add, can't do much. I cant just go not eating to just be able to save for something that year by years becomes 10 times more expensive then I can save. The problem is not managing you money is the market, you can't earn as much as you need from just simple work...
I would say if it's safe to stay at home, stay
Also reddit and TH-cam gave me some helpful advice about renting before I moved out
I stayed at home for a year after graduating (I went to college) and then rented with my partner
I will say take everything with a grain of salt as education level and income will affect how good of advice someone is giving you
1. Learn finance on youtube. 2. Pick up shifts or get a second job. 3. That's the reality and wishing for more time off is unrealistic. I worked 16 hr shifts for years to put food on the table. It happens. 4. Don't waste money on food and drink like Starbucks. Things you don't need. Learn to cook. 5. Don't watch toxic videos of influencers . Or people that seem to have it all. It's depressing and often a fantasy. They will struggle in a few years. 6. Move out of big cities to smaller towns or "boring" states. Big cities are crazy expensive.
Honestly, I had a class that taught this and no one listened - it’s funny but when your 13 - mortgages and budgets are so interminably boring and frankly out of your scope of reference, that it’s hard to be engaged.
That is called being an adult. We all have to grow up sometime.
i'm in south america and the situation is even worse. you need to share one room with someone t be able to afford leaving our parent's house. it's outrageous. i think the problem with having flatmates is the difficulty in finding a place everyone is happy with, and managing the responsibilities with people you barely know, or people you have known for a long time, but you've never lived together. so when you do that you realize it was a bad idea because those people are lazy and irresponsable. it's worse than being alone.
about the housing crisis: it's a crisis because of the prices. there are tons of empty places that could have people living in them. but no one can afford them. it's like the "world hunger" problem. we produce more than enough food, but there is a lot of waste and it's not evenly distributed. also, food is getting more and more expensive too.
It's no better in Serbia. Minimal salary(also starting salary in most companies) is around 400€ (this is south,I have no idea what it's like in other parts), and studio is 200€. So that's cheapest apartment in cheapest big city in the country. So for me to move out, and be able to survive month to month with starting salary, I'd have to share STUDIO with someone. A studio!! Made for one person!! It's insane situation. So I'm either going to stay stuck in this place that I hate(living with my parents) and cannot be myself or be homeless. And then we are shamed for not having kids, like my dude, I cannot afford myself to live, not another human, even pet would broke my bank like WHAT
it’s the same here in my US state. last year in an economics class we tried researching how to live affordably in our area on minimum wage- and you needed at at least 1 roommate to live in a STUDIO apartment, but sometimes more
Imma be honest paying rent and my inability to find a partner or friend(s) who love me enough to assist with bills, food, transport has me incredibly depressed lately. It is real hard for single women. And then everyone tries to stop you and get in your way of making a living income 😓
You will find a way through eventually. 🙏🏾
The amount of baaaad roommate experiences I've had is eye opening and trigger me to this day 😅 but the boyfriends in the past were worse and didn't always help me financially (or physically. Or emotionally.) But yeah the gender issues and forcing people to be in a cis het coupledom to exist is sad and obviously intentional but you can't forget the ultimate goal..to continue the capitalism system growth, human happiness be damned.
Either way. My one bedroom is at a 40% ratio to my salary has occasional rodents/pests and is slightly sketchy but it's all mine at least. 🎉
FELT THIS. So hard.
@@spagooter1807Damn. Sounds like you and everyone in finance can’t seem to ‘chase’ better women.
@spagooter1807 no one is forcing you to be in any relationship, cis het or otherwise and no one is forcing you to marry or live with anyone.
If you feel the societal pressure to do so, don't give in.
Speaking as a woman, I dont want any type of trad relationship or living situation. It's a personal choice.
I'm getting spidey tingly senses that you're trolling, though given i said nothing about anything other than my personal experience.
Either way, best of luck!
Being single = never having to clean another grown-ups poo stained toilet!
Just remember there are rules against having "flatmates" in some places. There will be restrictions on how many people you can have on the lease or rules to keep people from staying more than three nights at your place. There are also zoning laws that keep people from having more than one gender of child over 5 in a room even if they are related or more than 3 kids to a room etc. I've seen families become homeless because they couldn't afford enough rooms to house their children legally. Even though physically they could all fit. Zoning is a huge issue and it's super frustrating!
🛋️ My book club has this fantasy that we have a large communal area to share, and then separate spaces for each single person, couple, and family unit. Those with kids get a built-in community to help raise them. We split up chores based on each other's strengths. We share costs. Preferably this would all be in a place with equal rights for all (one of our couples is "mixed race," and I have a trans wife). We call it our book club commune. When life gets particularly tough, we talk about it quite often (wistfully, because we don't know how to make it come true).
I SO wish places were built with that kind of mindset in place, I mean like I said, I'm a big fan of communal living and spaces based on community, it is really tough to find places to set that sort of thing up though. I mean the way townhouses are built even it's very much set around a "family" unit so the kitchens are tiny, the bedrooms are incredibly uneven when it comes to space portioned out, so even if you could all buy some in the same development it does make things more challenging. One thing Brandon was suggesting was that when developers are building, they do new builds to cater to what the buyer wants, so you can buy off plan and customise to your liking, but of course this is still expensive so would require everyone to be able to pitch into the cost of it. It's a hard challenge! Its something we talk about often too
@@BryonyClaire The system is definitely set up in a way that makes it difficult.
i live with my bestie! we share expenses and chores but we both definitely need our alone time. its so great to have very low expectations bc its a platonic relationship but still be respected by my roommate!! i cant see myself wanting to live alone or with a partner ever in my life. bestie roommates for the win!!!
Honestly, if you have good friends buying house together is the best idea. You wont feel lonely or bored either 😅 if you ever got sick, they will be there to help. So, its a win win situation.
I wish I had good friends who didn’t enter a relationship lmaoo then it’s all about the guy
I'm amazed there isn't a zelenial sitcom on TH-cam covering this. I'd watch it.
Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. When you get to your 30s, pretty much everybody you know is partnered/married so when you’re not (and can’t live with family), life just feels extra hard. While my experience with roommates has been trash 10/10 times, I do think the answer to this mess is community. But cultivating community and trust is so difficult in this siloed, individualistic dare I say narcissistic society.
Your videos always encompass all of my thoughts into words and points that I can’t express on my own. Definitely relate to this one. Currently 23 and have lived at home my whole life. I love my parents but do desire freedom. Living in a strict Muslim household comes with a lot of restrictions and I feel like a 14 year old kid that goes to work sometimes. I definitely pictured my life as being different by this age. I go back and forth between wanting a relationship or wanting to be single but I want to experience living on my own before I bring someone else into my life. Dating while living at home is awkward af and very uncomfortable. I feel stuck with no way out. It’s very hard as an introvert too. Love your content! 👏 🛋
That would be super tough, and dating whilst living at home especially under those circumstances is extra hard. Like I said I'm a big fan of people moving out to be with flatmates, it helps you to kind of discover who you are away from the shadow that parents cast (even if they do so with love), then you can date people and find who you like, what you want from a relationship, everything and keep going from there. There's a LOT more introverts than you think!
I ordered a tiny 8 cm baking form and I’m having perfect tiny cakes! They are like big, but small and just for me.
I splurged and got the pikmin-themed "Gratin Dish" and it is PERFECT for 1-2 people-sized baked goods! I've been saving up and trying to get cookware and such that are themed with my interests so I am more likely to cook when I am physically able.
This isn't something I have to worry about because I've never not wanted to be married deeply anyway (Distinct from wanting to get married) but people feeling the need just because it's easier in this economy is indicative of something deeply wrong with the system.
I’m in a 3 year long relationship and honestly I love him so so much but there’s genuinely no possible way we can live without one another. Not just because we’re obsessed with each other, but also because we 100% cannot afford to live without each other. It adds pressure to the relationship to work.
Over the years I've become absolutely against marriage after seeing how trapped women can be and seeing my mother being unable to leave herself but it's undenieable that there are societal and financial benefits because people are actively shamed for being single and pay more. Hell, why am I paying more taxes when I don't have a child? It's spitting in the face of every single person who thought about their situation, their finances and their health and decided for themselves they do not want children or cannot have them. I'm incredibly fearful of the future because I don't even live in America but every single country is facing a crisis with the cost of living so high that even people who want children can hardly afford groceries for themselves. I'm scared what the future might bring because I don't see any way out of this. I'm 26 years old and still have to live with my parents because I never earned enough money to afford an apartment. I always had to pay for everything myself and contributed financially to the care of my grandparents, so although I worked 40-62 hours a week, it's unrealistic to move out without a partner. My grandfather died earlier this year and after the inital shock, I was just glad that we didn't have to pay for his care anymore. The best thing? My father was a chainsmoker and raging alcoholic, so he'll be in need of care soon as well! Great times, overall guys! Literally waiting for my knight in shining armor because god, there is literally no way out :)
It also doesn’t help the money u get firm kids (depends on what state of course) I’ve known people struggling even with one child and even if u get extra money on tax return it’s not gonna help much so yeah it sucks
😭 I identified myself with every single word. I'm gutted 💔
If I have to pay taxes for not having children, then I will just not have kids to spite the government for taxing me. Trust me, kids will always cost more than taxes.
I went through something very similar to you. Same situation and same age as you. Lived with and cared for my ailing grandparents until grandfather died when I was 26 and grandmother when I was 28.
When they died I had to move out of the home I loved because I couldn’t afford it. I moved in with my then new boyfriend for 4 years. It was hell.
I’m now single, 33 and bought my first home (apartment) this year. Been living alone for 1,5 years total my entire life. I absolutely love it and I will do everything to keep up my single living.
My point is, don’t despair. Hang in there! Set boundaries and know that it’s okay to make sure you live a life that is right for you, even if you feel guilty for not spending the rest of your life as a live in nurse for your relatives (your dad). I don’t know his financial situation but nurse services do exist.
@@Cherabreena Thank you so much for your encouragement and for sharing your experience! My life feels really isolating because my peers can't really relate to my experiences and my problems, so hearing that a better life can be ahead is really comforting!
I'm not 18 yet, but I've already promised one of my friends that we can rent a house together once we graduate high school because her family isn't really good for her. My best friend even said he'd buy a house with us once we all saved up enough.
Everyone knows how expensive just breathing seems these days, and I'm glad I have people who can help me get through whatever disasters are headed our way. I am scared though, not just for me but for my little cusions and everyone their age.
They're probably going to enter adulthood into a flaming pile of overpriced, under-payed bullshit and I can only hope they have community to help them through it
please stick up to that promise if you really cherish your friend.
i grew up in the 90's, watching Friends with my childhood friends, and we'd talk about sharing a place, the three of us... timeskip, we're all 30+ now. one of us already shares a place with their partner from a monogamous, stable relationship. the second still lives with parents who are fully supportive of their freelancing, but is cishet and wants to be in a relationship/start their own family. i'm the third, asexual, aromantic and neurodivergent -- so i can barely function/work and i have no interest being in any sort of relationship... but my parents aren't supportive, and a lot of my executive dysfunction/social anxiety persists thanks to the way i was raised by them. my friends are doing fine, but i'm not. and they're too busy with their own lives/work/schedules now to take in or support a full-grown adult with special needs. maybe my mental state wouldn't be so bad if i had around people who were more understanding of my issues for a while, instead of being stuck with my parents for 3 whole decades. maybe living with friends for a year or two would've been so much better than all my life not knowing any better. but those promises became a joke. thankfully i'm just the only one who's too broken to work. it's not like their lives don't have problems, but they can at least function and have some basic "autonomy" (in the deluded capitalistic sense of the word), meanwhile, i can barely leave my bed every day and sometimes sleep between piles of dirty laundry or trash because i can't even bother cleaning my own room.
if you have a good family, you'll always have someone to support you once you move on, perhaps if you need to move back in with them, if by any chance the sharing with friends happens to become "a phase that is now in the past" for you... but your friend will probably never have that. maybe in the future they'll come around their issues, but young adulthood is such an important phase to someone's life. her whole sense of self-worth is just starting to develop, and an abusive/toxic environment can land some blows to her self-esteem that might haunt her for the rest of her life. so, please, do try to help her out, if you can afford it in any way.
@@t.k.5088 all three of us aren't really in the most perfect situation at home - my friends home life, my best friends and my family's mild trans/homophobia and me being aroace myself - and I'm going to do my best to make sure we can all help each other
If your living situation isn't unlivable I would suggest saving a bit after high school (assuming y'all don't have a job already) and then moving out
That extra $200-1000 you save can absolutely mean a world of difference
But I don't know the details of y'all's life so take it as you will
It's really cool that you guys have a plan, most people don't and just wing it
@@minxmeat5460 i'm so sorry to hear that it's a problem the three of you have in common. wishing you all the best and a stable future. you guys deserve better. 2023 should be the year of queer joy, not the year when we ask ourselves how queerphobia is still around. i'm rooting for your joy.
The disability question is a big thing I have been thinking about recently because I'm dating someone on disability allowance. I don't know what the rules are, but I think it is likely that if they moved into my house, that we would have to portray it as them renting a room from me, not us being in a relationship, in order for them to retain their disability allowance and therefore their financial independence, something they highly value. It's honestly likely that we will never live together because of this.
This hit me pretty hard. At this point i don't even want a relationship for the "romance" i just want the financial stability
🛋️
I think the stigma against having flat mates isn’t so much like “oh they suck for having flat mates” but rather “oh they’re poor cause they can only afford to have a place with flat mates” or “they aren’t attractive enough to score a romantic partner to get a place with them instead of flat mates”. Imo people who think this way are only looking to benefit from the acquaintance/friendship rather than to support each other.
"There's some expectation that disabled people have able-bodied[sic] caregivers available, which is rarely the case". In America, if you don't have abled family to help you, the government just straight up wants you to die. If I hadn't have been able to be a houseboy while waiting on ssdi, I definitely would have died on the street. There's no help for us.(🛋)
this is my life too. and like caregiver violence due to burnout from a lack of supportive social services just becomes the ideal breeding ground for abuse. i want to find abunch of /differently abled people and buy property together. the ideal (for me any way is a polycule of disabled and queer folks. but living in utah is super isolating. they say its not a cult, but the cultural control here has many of non-mormons in a chokehold. ugh. wish i could take care of myself so i could go somewhere more welcoming to our kind. hope you are able to find stability
I keep feeling like we are going back to jane austen times in some ways.
Except these days we don't get doting letters to go along with the forced matrimony, instead we get fire emojis and ghosted 😂
@BryonyClaire HAHA makes the experience and memories so much more bland omg
@@BryonyClaire XD True. Guess I learned wax sealing and calligraphy for nothing.
If I could move out I would. Unfortunately I am a queer, neurodiverse person who barely gets income by doing side hustles and I have to rely on a toxic parent to run my tiny business of reselling items. What I plan to do is save me money and hopefully in a few years time possibly move out on my own or with one of my siblings.
I am often to feel ashamed by not living on my own but I remind myself that its housing market that is just worried about profit instead of actual people. I often see homeless people which reminds me how terribly the government fails people.
My problem is i want a lasting romantic relationship, but i don't want to live together, get married and have kids. Living together with anyone even if i enjoy this person's company in general is driving me crazy, i physically can't, I feel trapped and actively want to get away😢(commented before there was a statement from a person woth similar situation in the video, sad but ib the same time good to know I'm not alone)
I feel the same way, but I'm old and I've been there done that.
I feel the same way
Disabled and my soon to be ex husband told me when he finally dumped me that he'd been wanting out for 5 years, half our marriage! Towards the end he was constantly telling me that I'm a burden and almost convinced me to move into my car (in his name still) and give him 75% of the income coming from my dad! The worst part is financial abuse is completely legal here and the courts stance is "you should have been more careful and left sooner" 😒 meanwhile everyone is pushing me to get a job while I'm over here working 16hrs a day between taking care of my home my kids and my health and even my kids make references to me not having "a real job"
I am currently single, I tried living on my own, and ended up not being able to due to my disabilities that cost me my job. I had a 2-week flare-up and couldn't risk catching covid so I stayed home, since I could barely get out of bed either, and got fired for missing "too much" work. But yeah. Being disabled a lot of the time basically means being religated to poverty or forced dependence.
I'm also very queer, (Specifically bi, demisexual, and Bigender She/He or He/She do not care the order.) so finding someone who wants to be in a relationship with a disabled queer person can be very challenging, especially since I cannot really work or go to school atm so I would end up being a huge financial burden on that person. Even with the savings I have from my parents. (That would probably only last 2 years at most) I would love to be in a relationship, I would also love living with some friends, so long as I am not alone--but I LOATHE that I am forced to be a financial burden due to our ableist society or could be forced to live with people that are no good for me just to survive.
So, while I am not in the aromantic crowd, and would like one other person to live with, I have the flip side of not being able to work and being disabled so I cannot live alone even if I had money and was aromantic. I would love to just have one other person to hang out with and live with, be it platonic or romantic, really don't care. (Mostly because of the social isolation I already face as a disabled person who cannot work, drive, or go to school currently.)
But I can't do that to someone and I am living at home with my boomer parents so I don't go into poverty, huge debt, or become homeless. Which I know is a VERY lucky option that most people do not have at all. I just wish I could be more independent...and I would be okay to live on my own if there were more things I could do outside of my living space, it would just make cleaning and cooking a bit more difficult.
In my ideal world I would have an aid for minor tasks and/or friends and/or a partner who could help me do tasks like cleaning or cooking when I am not physically capable to do so. Since I can still do most things, but there are times my mobility and energy are VERY restricted and that's when I need a helping hand.
That's such a tough situation - and exactly why I get so frustrated at how ableist society is and how people are treated (or let's be real, disregarded) if you don't fit neatly into an approved box. It would be great if disability benefits were easier to acquire and also actually covered the cost of living, because then you could move out and live with friends/flatmates and have the independence and that sense of community you want, it frustrates me no end how punishing things are
@@BryonyClaire Exactly this! (Thank you so much for replying) I think for me, and many who are similar, part of the difficulty is also having invisible disabilities and/or having both mental and physical disabilities, since a lot of things set in place as accommodations will only help with one or the other.
An example I've run into is within a school setting, not being able to get mental disability accommodations when doing online learning (where I do not have to struggle to get there in person), but then also not getting physical accommodations in person even if my mental disabilities are given accommodations. (Such as being punished for attendance or participation, not being allowed to sit or rest while getting accommodations for reading and maths materials.)
I'm also a 2e (twice exceptional, meaning on the gifted scale but also disabled), which makes it particularly hard to find coursework that is at a level I can achieve, AND will accommodate my learning disabilities and neurodivergence. So many times there is stuff I could do, but I am barred from it because they won't accommodate me, or the places that will accommodate me cover course work that is far to easy for my level of study.
Just ARGH, lol.
your literally describing my life, how'd you get into my brain so well? queer disabled bipoc poly whos stuck living with my caregiverr who abuses me constantly. if i stand up for myself suddenly he's scared and threatened by me, and withdrawing his emotions /ignoring me. hes literally groomed me into feeling worthless for setting boundaries. oh, yeah also found out last week that he's resented being my caregiver for 8 years and lied about it anytime i asked him if he wanted freedom or any thing at all. he lied and told me he'd always communicate hisneeds and hewould never blame me for my disability. last week he told me he cant even be civil in conversation, moved to another room and set a boundary around me asking for help. why? he told me everyday that i wasnt a burden. he lied, and now i cant ask for his aid anymore and im sicker than ever. (Several rare terminal diseases, autoimmune, demyelinating diseases. Im a fucking mess) i dont know how to keep afloat and i am so sad and confused why my best friend suddenly said, nope. i cant take caring about you anymore. I resent you for never letting me put my needs first (even though I regualrly tried to ask for breaks or him going to see friends, alone time, etc.) the truth i guess as he needed that but didnt say anything other than "i'll never resent you! youre the most selfless person in the world. you deserve someone being by your side as you die. let me be that for you.")
ive never felt so alone or so overwelmed by my disabilities. ill probably keep telling him im sorry so my quality of life doesnt go out the crapshoot. oh and he feels like all i care about is him giving me care. i feel like the burden everyone else in my life called me tears ago. now he does too. im living my nightmare.
I think the age thing is totally the undiscussed part of the story - past about 30 or 35, at a push, both landlords and other housemates find it weird if someone is looking for a house share (I live in the UK). And because there are always SO MANY applicants per room (eg my house gets about 25-40 applicants whenever a room becomes available), there is no way to prevent discrimination. I myself do feel that I need to live alone to get some of my own space at this point (early 30s), but I totally see why people would want to share, but the older you get the harder it is to get into competitive house shares.
Why do you suppose that is? Ageism?
i have this discussion so often with my bff, we're both very introverted single women who preffer to have their own apartment - and we often say how crappy the world works against single people, especially women. we are both unable to have kids so we both absolutely detest the way society and taxes are SO MUCH easier for married couples and families ... Single women (especially introverts) who don't or can't have kids are legitimatelly and actively PUNISHED for it.
It's insane to me how much disregard there is for single people even though WE contribute the most to the economy for OTHERS to be comfortable, cause we aren't.
I left an abusive 10 year relationship, to be on my own in safety. I can surely not afford therapy for that.
Even if I have (what is considered here to be) a high income from my senior job and my expenses total up to 30% of it (rent, bills, subscriptions), i STILL cannot afford to live comfy. If i add the food expenses, a debt for school and maaaaybe a small weekend trip IN the country to go see my mom back in my hometown - that's it, money is gone, bye. I'm dead for the month, poor for the next 30 days. So i either choose food, or any kind of leisure time. Cause EVERYTHING is very expensive now. I buy clothes once a year cause i can't afford it. I fix something in my house once a year, cause i can't afford it. Etc.
And to another point, i HATE when i hear parents complain everything is soooo expensive for them and it's so hard , because dear Susan YOU have the tax reductions, the extra bonus from work, the reductions to vacation places, EVERYTHING is discounted for you, and it's the SINGLES who pay for your comfort. It's becoming a lil disrespectful. Like, i'm happy for you Susan but shut up.
So yes, i find it disgusting that the world is set up in such a manner that you're forced to couple up or marry if you wanna have it easier.
Yay patriarchy, we love itttttt. #sarcasm.
Also, the whinging from people with kids when, like, you *chose* to have them? Did you not realise bringing a whole extra person into the world would be expensive? People need to stop popping out spawn without thinking things through first.
@@rhythmandblues_alibiChristanity logic. Expect everything to be handed to you the way you want, and be judgemental when you see anything outside your comfort zone. You'd be amazed.
I hear you. With that said, I’d rather live on a tight budget and higher taxes alone, than risk ever cohabitating with a(n abusive) partner ever again. 😅
I am nearly 37, childfree by choice, single by choice. I don't have a great job, but my mother unfortunately passed away. I was her only child so I inherited everything from her, this included her mortgage free house. This is literally the only reason I can remain single. I was even talking about this the other day, saying I'd have to find a partner to survive if I hadn't got this house. And honestly I'm not a catch lol so I'd probably be in a lot of trouble.
As someone who got married to their best friend as a way to get more resources, food stamps, easier taxes, AND more financial aid to pay for college.... This resonates so deeply with me and she and I completely agree on this topic as a whole. Especially for both of us, who are in relationships (but don't see it as a long-term, leading to marriage sort of way), who have been pushed to get married, to have kids, etc. since we were young and yet struggle to even get hired for a minimum-wage job when we have at least two degrees... It's depressing as hell. But there's a weird part of it that's also so fun; we hate the circumstances that brought us to the idea and go through with it, but there's also something rewarding about being married to your best friend and being able to help each other financially (even if only the tiniest bit at times).
I feel like friendships, especially between women, are still seen as "less than" to romantic relationships, which is more soul-crushing because in all honesty I would do anything for her, including marrying her! She's my true soulmate in essence because she understands me, even when she doesn't, and always is there to support me no matter what I choose. She loves me as I am, and as I choose to be. It's crazy the amount of people that ask if we are actually attracted to each other, because the answer is no, and we don't have to be. I don't have to be attracted to someone romantically or sexually to have an amazing relationship with them or decide that we can benefit and support each other financially by doing what the world at large has told us to do since we were young: get married.
When I finally told my parents, after fearing they would disown me (again, despite not actually being in a relationship romantically), my mom eventually understood what I meant and agreed that she would have done the same for her best friend and would love the idea to live together and support each other. And it really should be that way, regardless of whether that person is a good friend, family, roommate, partner, etc. But we shouldn't be struggling to buy food and basic necessities just to live a mediocre life where expectations are constantly shoved upon us.
I hope someday we get to a place where it's truly acceptable AND feasible, or that I (and my wife) can at least find a place close enough to that to settle into together and find happiness outside of what's expected of us whether it's marriage, children, or a lackluster career without actually living.
🇨🇦I rent a room in my mom’s house, I was looking at renting a place years ago and I couldn’t even afford a basement studio apartment, so there’s 0% chance of my ever having my own place. The Ontario government is going through a major corruption scandal about housing too, so I don’t anticipate that legislation will be brought in to make more rent controlled housing, because the premier is making money off of the housing developers and seems to think that we can’t tell the difference between “more affordable housing” and “developing protected productive farmland and sensitive ecosystems into subdivisions of McMansions”. My sister was able to move out years ago, she’s married.
I am another aromantic asexual disabled person in these comments, and I only really have one friend I would ever feel comfortable living with. The idea of sharing a room or a flat with a stranger terrifies me, I’m quite paranoid already of getting a roommate in college, who will want to harm me. I hate that everything is so fucking expensive here, I want to be independent so badly.
I never minded being single, but all those things about the food portions and family discounts used to drive me INSANE
And I did get lonely sometimes. Even when you’re happy being alone, it’s nice to have someone around to do stuff with sometimes
It's more uncommon to have flatmates in the US because it isn't considered safe. There are so many creeps out there who try to take advantage of desperate people. Also, if your roommates stop paying their portion of the rent for whatever reason, you have to pay the difference or end up homeless. There's no system in place to separate the bill amongst the tenants. One crappy roommate risks putting everyone else out on the street.
Long time ace single from Germany here. We have a special tax deduction for married people for your income coming on top. No matter weather they have kids or not, married people pay so extremely less taxes, a lot of couples marry just because of that. I always call it "the tax for lonely people". But the married-tax-reduction is made so only the person with more money will benifit from it - 95% chance it's the husband. So singles and wifes are both screwed over. This together with everything you mentioned leaves me in a place where I can stay afloat, but never save for emergency cases or old age. The prospect of an own home is absolutely redicuolus.
Thank you for covering the disability aspect. Spot on explanation of the real world consequences, and the psychological effect of these consequences. Dating when you're "just a burden" is so demoralizing.
I've also told a friend of mine if it came to it, I'd only trust them to not steal my stuff, not burn down the house and take care of my cat. I hope it doesn't come to that, but the reality is I'm not sure if I would be able to live on my own all my life nor would I want to because it would feel lonely.
Are you Platonic or Asexual or aromatic? if not if you're willing to find a relationship with whoever you like or be have friends with you i don't know what you want i would suggest to do that and not live alone.
Honestly, I have two cats right now, and because I trust no one other than some immediate family with them, I do not ever want to have a roommate, reason I’m getting a master’s, and after they die, I’ll probably not get any other pets. I trust no one with my pets.
I am not aromantic, but asexual, trans and (most likely) autistic, so for most people, not the ideal romantic partner. Never been in a relationship. I currently live with a friend and after years in a student dormitory, I really love it, we mostly get along great. I am doing my phd and i want to eventually become an academic, which is, in my field, a miserably underpaid position. I often worry that all my friends (and I don't have many of close ones) will eventually find a partner and live with them end I will end up alone, which I won't be able to afford IF I MANAGE TO GET A JOB IN A FIELD THAT I WANT TO PURSUE an is the only thing that makes sense to me.
Oml this is the real struggle, especially being neurodiverse! I’ve just switched career tracks because there are NO jobs in my field in my area, nor can I afford to move halfway across the world (the jobs seldom sponsor the move/visa, but I’m still looking) to where they exist.
I moved from the US to Germany this year and I can't recommend it enough. Even though my job cut my hours my finances no longer feel like walking a tight rope and the amount of like-minded people I was able to find about these issues who are living the values, not just acknowledging them but continuing to couple up and move to the suburbs is really nice.
As an 18 year old disabled American, I can’t even get a job. If I get a job I lose my insurance for my whole disabled family, if I don’t get a job I won’t ever be able to move out and be independent.
But I need my insurance to LIVE. One shipment of my life saving medication costs $100k.
My only hope is that my grandpa from out of state might give me his RV to park and live in on my parents property so I DONT lose my insurance and can still get a job because the government considers that fad enough away to not fuck with my insurance.
The world is fucked over by rich people who don’t care, there is no middle class, and I’m not surprised that mental health and suicide rates are higher nowadays. When you can’t even hope to buy a house after working your whole life, you give up.
So another thing that's looked down on, at least with the circles I find myself are the neighborhood I live in. I went to college and poor people simply don't do that-- and I'm the poorest person I know that did. Single mom on minimum wage, wrong side of town, no siblings, dead father, whole thing. All of the friends or people I surround myself with or find around me through when I was in college or from the workplaces that I qualify to work in are all much, much wealthier than me, even if they just came from an average family. So when people saw I lived on the east side of Las Vegas (NV, USA) they'd look down and there was a point during college my mom lost the apartment due to drugs and drinking.. so I ended up staying at a family-friends for the reminder of college. I would lie and say that it was my family's home EVEN THOUGH it was still on the east side because it was at least a HOUSE, not an apartment and "see guys, there's nice place within this bad neighborhood" and I hated that I had to do that.
Now I live alone but I live in an even WORSE neighborhood of town 'Naked City' and DESPITE living alone without roommates NOW I'm looked down on because of the area and everyone being scared. It's all that I could afford. I've had 'friends' legitimately make fun of my place that I live while dropping me off saying things like "oooOoo... its.... nice......." and these friends all lived in a house and in a nice area of town, but there was 8 of them living there, some with their bed in the dining room and one in the living room.
How can I win? How am I supposed to win?
Sorry you are dealing with this. This is sadly not uncommon; there is a lot of geographic prejudice and related classism that goes undiscussed. No one should make fun of you based on where you live. It seems like there are a tiny percent of “good places” where we all are supposed to desire to live. Let’s not even discuss the racism that is a part of this conversation. Some people will automatically label any predominantly POC area (especially black and/or Latino in the US) as undesirable regardless of income, crime stats, etc.
Proud of all the single women commenting because this is so worth discussing! I’ve seen some comments about people wanting to be able to find a partner but the dating atmosphere is full of loaded expectations and abusers, which is so true. I think that we need to shift the social expectations of dating as a society. We have ace people, but that’s considered an identity label and kind of person. Growing up I thought I had to date/marry because of this exact subject or learn to be extremely self sufficient and live in worry. When I started “dating” it wasn’t. It was hooking up with a title. My teen brain knew what an STD was but didn’t think about how common they are or way out is to get one when I had a different boyfriend practically every six months. It’s considered okay to “date” a lot and move fast and men expect immediate physical stuff as if that’s what defines a relationship and women go with it because we are conditioned to believe that’s what “dating” is here.
I’m married now and my husband is kind, sweet, thoughtful, considerate. Knowing what marriage is actually meant to mean now I wish I knew looking back that marriage should mean:
You joke or laugh together every day, you both “add” to each others lives simply by talking about things no matter how small that makes the other person think to themselves “That’s/this is nice”, you give each other grace when you’re flustered or too run down, you’re excited to support each others dreams be it little hobbies or career aspirations. You feel safe in each others arms in the quiet. You trust each other that you can be yourself and comfortable at home. None of those things have to do with sex, and are largely important parts of marriage.
I’m not saying that single people would or should change their minds, but I am saying I was tricked by media depictions of hookup culture and the popularization of ads for dating apps for young people that made dating, the thing that could potentially choose the person you live with the rest of your life, as a little speed situation numbers game where people are completely disposable, humans aren’t shopping apps, and I feel like that’s what this country has devolved its coverage of marriage to. We both haven’t gotten past the idea of men “owning” their wives, but now there’s an additional layer of disposability, and no prioritization of communication and commitment in the ways our media depicts marriage.
So for the people who /do/ want to date or marry, the social conscious configuration of what “dating” is supposed to mean is toxic and dangerous.
There is so much soft and hard power over wether someone can live life single. It would absolutely be an option. I worry a bit about how society has hyper individualized and I don’t think living alone is for most people in the sense that it gets harder in older years and I worry about social cohesion, but that’s something that I only worry about if people don’t make friends outside, which is covered in this about third places. :) it would be nice if people felt like “I live alone as long s as I want, and if I want to take up roommates for a little I can choose to, back and forth, that in itself is a normal and aspirational life” instead of feeling like we need to impose beliefs about the whole “marriage, dig, kids” on everyone. So long as the people who /actually/ want to be married and /actually/ want to be single are able to get that safely and happily, we’ll have a good society.
As a partnered polyamorous person on the aro spectrum, I'm so happy to see my niche identity represented in your survey and your discussions as always. That's what I notice about your video essays is that you consider a lot of perspectives and try to use very inclusive language!
Thank you for the meaningful discussion. When I didn't have a nesting partner I was very happy single, but constantly being asked when I would partner up despite being young (early 20s).
And now I have a partner I see how a lot of things like social events, applications, housing, cooking, and visa are catered to or favored towards a monogamous (often hetero) relationship.
I do have that stereotypical queer polyamorous dream of living in a big place with my partner(s) and close friends and our fur or non-furry children.
I've been thinking about the possibility of being aro and polyamorous and you're the first person I saw using both of these labels since, so I guess this made me happy but kind of worried as well. I'm still a teenager, but seeing my allo friends having their life planned makes me anxious, I don't have a script.
There is a reason that the "Fake Marriage/Engagement" trope is common USA romance novels. It is pretty realistic here that someone could have a better chance at getting promoted, have a requirement to get an inheritance, or need someone to get into a homing situation only if they have a partner real or not.
I always say if I win the lottery and come into some real money I’d like to do two things. One is buy a plot of land that is being obviously sold to build a ton of homes and do nothing with it so the animals that live there aren’t evicted. And my other is to build a safe and new apartment community that is for lower income people. Almost everything that is built new now is for rich people.
I'm 18, just started working and thinking about moving out of my grandparents' place to (hopefully) live alone, but I'm really anxious about it. I have no idea what the situation is in my country with these things. When I was still dating my ex boyfriend, we were planning to move in together, but I broke up with him partly because I realized he was expecting me to pay for everything with my income while he's studying in uni. At first I thought "fine, I'll manage that", but then I realized that that's actually insane and he tried to convince me that paying for two people "isn't that different from paying for one person". Now I'm not completely sure I'll be able to live even on my own.
Omg! Good job for standing up for yourself. He was for sure trying to taking advantage of you. Try to find a woman or 2 that you can be roommates with. You can hold them accountable for their messes and they won’t bug you for sex when you get home from work.
Never live with an unemployed man. I would even say, regardless of relationship status, get your own room.
Men have 15x more testosterone than women 24/7/365, we usually have a 28-day cycle. “Sexual conflict.” Men were never supposed to have access to a woman 24/7/365. Most men are not sexually disciplined. Don’t let a man baby-trap you.
@@user-uz24y37g agreed 😔
We were dating for 2,5 years and the first year or so was nice, but then I started seeing that he's actually pretty lazy, messy, wants my attention a lot (and he tried to argue that it's my duty as his girlfriend, so it should come before my plans/work/other stuff) and he's really dependent on his parents, so if we did live together I'd probably have to act as his "mom"
@@Snowicorngood thing your both young hopefully you and him can learn from this situation. All he had to do was get a part time job. Clean after himself. Have rotational chores and he could have still been with you😂.
@@easyw1220 Well he manages to clean after himself now and he can cook, so it's not *that* bad XD
But there's also other stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable with him, so it doesn't gelp much
@@Snowicorn If you have a family member you can stay with, you should go. You should never stay around a guy giving you uncomfortable or creepy vibes. Follow your 6th sense: *Intuition.* He believes it’s your “duty as his girlfriend”. You are not obligated to have sx when you don’t want to, regardless of relationship status. I think it’s dangerous to be around a male that lacks self-control and emotional intelligence. He doesn’t understand boundaries. It’s not your job to fix a male. Or be his Mother.
If for some reason you can’t leave at the moment, look up resources like women’s groups. Make and keep your money and leave.
You should look up “types of abuse” and make sure that’s not what you’re in. Also “cycle of abuse”.
I think Kristi Burke & Princella The Queen Maker are awesome with interesting perspectives. And this channel of course.
Good video with a topic that’s been on my mind for quite some time. Thank you! I‘m in the situation where I‘m living alone in an apartment I can afford, but I‘m not happy with the situation and prefer communal living. Been searching with two friends for a apartment to do a flatshare for quite some time, but most landlords open their business with the line „no flatshares allowed“. Family’s are so welcome and sought after that we even considered acting like a couple and having a sister or something with us to be even considered for an apartment. We have a lot of disposable income we‘re willing to put into the rent but most landlords don‘t care if its not a family, a couple or a wealthy single person renting.
That's so strange! I wonder why landlords don't want flat shares? I mean couples break up, so can families, what's wrong with friends sharing? Maybe they're afraid of parties and house damage? But in that case, have they ever seen what a kid can do??
I think there‘s still the image of a flat share consisting of partying young people (= making noise and destroying stuff), something you „need to grow out“ of. :/
This makes me scared as a teen living in Canada. I don't have the most supportive parents so it's always been a distant dream of mine to one day move out and be able to live without them. But as I grow older and closer to the age of post-secondary. I fear I might really be stuck with my family for a long time. I recognize that even being able to live in a house without worrying for food or shelter is a privilege. I just hope that I can escape one day 🛋️
So I live in the state of Oregon in United States. I have adhd and autism so I am mentally disabled. It's VERY challenging to find a job and I am currently unemployed. I am also single. Because of my lack of income my apartment tried to evict me (however I am able to get rent assistance to cover the past due amount). I am worried about future rent because rental help only covers people facing evictions. They will probably try to evict me again down the road.
To apply for disability in Oregon is a pain. And even if approved it is not enough to cover my rent. I also suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome so the thought of packing all of my things and moving from the third floor stresses me out. I have back pains as well. It's just soo frustrating that no one really looks out for the disabled. It can feel really lonely and isolating :/ I'm 38 years old with no romantic prospects.
I like the people that I work with but they definitely pressure me to date. Most of them are older and married with kids. Cool that they care but also somewhat inappropriate 😅
100% inappropriate I reckon! I know it's like a "societal norm" but especially in a workplace, just in the same way where colleagues ask me when I'm having kids like... please don't ever ask that!
Ick...if someone asked me that I'd probably go off on them about healthy relationships, lol.
@@BryonyClaire OMG this. The whole asking if someone is gonna have kids, like...F OFF, it could be really traumatic to ask that, and it's super personal even if it isn't.
Man if anyone asks me that I'm just gonna be really crass and make them embarrassed, lol.
@ErutaniaRose I do make them embarrassed, kind of on purpose. Actually, entirely on purpose as I want people to stop asking those sorts of questions!
@@ErutaniaRose I have the lucky combo of being unable to carry a pregnancy to term and not wanting to touch motherhood with a 10 ft pole, So I get to put on a sad face and tell nosey assumptive a-holes that I'd rather they not bring it up to me again, as I can't have kids. There's been a couple times I've managed to bring tears to my eyes too. It's awesome, I highly recommend everyone do it.
While some might say "well it's rude to lie about being infertile if you're not." It's far more rude to let people go about prying into extremely sensitive personal issues without making them wish they had minded their own business in the first place. For every person you make feel horrible for assuming you'd reproduce, there is at least one actually infertile people who want kids being interrogated about why they don't have them yet.
You have permission, as someone who actually can't actually reproduce, to use my card to put those people in their place. It's for the greater good.
I used to live with a friend of mine and we got along great. Shortly after moving into a new place, she told me she wanted to live alone. She said it was because she wanted to be more independent, to live by herself, to structure her life in a way that allowed for finding a partner. Can't say I wasn't feeling betrayed but I did my best not to take it personally. She ended up renting a place for at least double the amount of our old rent and recently her landlord increased it even more, so now she's looking again.
I live alone too because I didn't want to deal with another person changing their mind and me being stuck with a big place. The financial burden is not that crushing for me as I lucked out with a cheap place, but my biggest issue is I have no one to leave my dog with. She's pretty stressed if I leave her with friends and a dog hotel is out of the question. Basically I'm stuck, can't go on vacation, I dread having an emergency because who will take care of my dog? People don't just up and leave their lives to care for a friend's pet. The only reason I've ever contemplated seeking out a relationship is to share the responsibility for her.
I think it would be awesome to have more hostel style housing where there is a big kitchen and everyone gets their own mini fridge for their food but then there is the "share" fridge where you can out leftover green onions and other food scraps that anyone can use for their food so there is less waste. Preferably some all women hostels as well, which is something I would feel more comfortable with. Having a lot of living room spaces where you can be by yourself if you wanted or get together for movie nights would be awesome! 🛋
re: the moving in with roommates, In the US, I don't think it's legal to just move into an apartment with roommates, unless the landlord is willing to make changes in the lease. Like if it was found that you were on the lease but you had a bunch of roommates that weren't, you'd get in trouble.
I think you can get a current lease amended to reflect a new roommate without creating an entirely new lease, but it's totally up to the discretion of the landlord.
Really? I never knew that, I mean I've had to sign onto leases when I'm just a flatmate in the past here, but again it's such a social norm to have flatmates that it's kind of a given that you'll have others to help pay the high costs
@@BryonyClaireYes, because landlords do not want people with undesirable backgrounds living in their properties. Also fire codes. Two people per bedroom. Landlords need to know who is in their property.
The idea of designing housing to encourage more communal living among friends and family is an interesting idea, and I wonder if there are any examples of those communities running.
Side note but the idea of buying land, building tiny houses and growing our own food sounds so amazing in some ways but also so impossible in others 🤍🥲 we should be able to live in a cottagecore fantasy ✨ 🧚♀️ 👩🌾 if we want 🥺
my dreams will remain dreams unless someone does this in latin america
It can be possible, those green stock verticals growers can produce a lot in a very small space, why not start with that? And then move to a 1 or 2 acre farm and construction plot, with an estate agent you can find good bargains and it’s easy to ask for your payment to be spread out over a long period of time. You could start that, you’d need some preservation skills but it could be doable, and with the unclaimed money you may have in govt storage you could access it may give you the starting finance to procure that down payment for it, or for the green stalk verticals grower itself
You could start on growing small stuff you’d appreciate just by having a pot of oregano, mint, thyme, or a cherry tomato plant
I think that's what my parents are doing...it's going pretty okay for them
Buy land. I bought a property in my home country.
I'm just about to get married here in about 5 months and in the meantime I got my last quote for car insurance as a single woman. $157 per month was the BEST rate I could get here in FL (where shit has just gotten crazy) without sacrificing my coverage. I haven't had any accidents or claims ever, but I replaced my windshield once in 15 years. (Which in FL is a state requirement, so not even considered a claim)
I drive a Camaro though which might be the only reason it's so high.
Everyone says my rates are gonna be so much better once I get married and I really hope so. Because, $157 a month for car insurance is a bit ridiculous. Why does my martial status affect my insurance of my ability to protect my assets? I have no clue either.
My friends and I are all in our late 20s and we're all in the same boat. I'm living at home with my parents, and 4 younger siblings. I have a friend who's a single mother and raising her daughter while still living at home w/her parents bc she simply can't afford to move out. Another friend who is living with her boyfriend and his parents bc they can't afford to get their own place either. My cousin is 29 and is living with his wife, 3 kids who are all under 8 years old, and his parents in a 3 bedroom apartment. My cousin and his wife both have good high-paying jobs, but single or not, shit is way too expensive to be able to move out and survive. One of my coworkers doesn't have a family or partner to support her, and she's been living w/her son in a car for the past year. Shit is crazy out here.
Far out that's terrible! Serious cost of living crisis and it baffles me how little support is given from the govt, it keeps being blamed on people "being bad with money" and blaming the individual - nah, it's the structures that are screwed!
I lived with roommates after college until medical issues forced me to find my own place. Been living alone since 2015 and it works really well for me. Unfortunately, my rent keeps going up, so who knows how long I'll be able to stay in my current place. I'm supremely lucky in that my parents have assured me that I can move into their spare room if I can't make rent, but as much as I adore them, I really want to have my own place so I can be physically not in pain from environmental factors (I'm very sensitive to heat, leading to headaches and nausea). Pretty sure I'll never own property, which sucks 😂💀
Finally!!!! I'm so glad this is finally discussed!
A few years ago, I wanted to move out on my own. I had a lot of family problems at that time and needed the space and independence. But I couldn't afford it, despite working full time. I then asked my friends if they wanted to share a place, but none of them were ready at the time to move. So my boyfriend of one year suggested we move in together.
Long story short, we ended up breaking up (mostly because of financial issues), and I had to move back with my family.
As someone who still just wants to live alone, WHY is it so damn hard?? I don't plan on getting married or having kids. I just want the independence of being on my own.
My best friend and I have now decided to eventually get a place together, once both of us are able to, but it's so frustrating how long it takes just to have that freedom.
Also, I live in South Africa, where the cost of living has also gone up severely just in these past years, due to inflation, after-effects of Covid, corruption and an increased tax (we now pay 15% tax on everything). Food is extremely expensive, as well as electricity (because we have an electricity crisis as well), and petrol/diesel prices continue to go up. We don't really have flatmates (at least, how I grew up it was never considered normal) mainly because of the high crime rate and as a female, it is extremely unsafe, unless it is someone you know really well.
Still, I'd rather struggle and be on my own than enter a marriage I never wanted just to be better off.
I have to add that I love the idea of friends getting a place together. My best friend and I are so excited to share a place, because we get along so well and are very similar when it comes to how we spend our money, chores, etc. It's honestly the best solution, and - although living alone would be nice - I think it would get lonely after a while. If I could I would just buy a big house with a group of close friends and share the home with them.
Honestly, I don't think I can afford to be single, even though I am. I work part time and have a learning disability and can't live on my own. I don't know of any guys who want the old fashioned nuclear family anymore.
Same here. I am both physically and mentally disabled (all of them are invisible disabilities) and I can't even find employment honestly. Since most places that accommodate will only accommodate physical or mental disabilities never both--even though all I need is like a place to sit, a calculator, and paper copies of things with slightly bigger spacing that I can even format or print out myself. I can even bring my own stool and calculator and have offered and many places won't allow it.
Currently living at home with my boomer parents after being fired from a job due to my disabilities over a year ago and just trying to sort out medical things so I can maybe go to school and work.
@@ErutaniaRosemay i ask why you were fired from a job due to my disabilities? and Maybe companies could do a better job with people with disabilities somehow? i could do so research.
We literally had to join the military so we could actually live a normal life. We were on the brink of loosing our home for almost a year. I’m very excited for this new life!! I’m excited for stability..people complain about the quality of the military living but…they sound privileged because I rather have SOMETHING then nothing. I’ve had nothing for five years…I’ll take the “military grade” living over nothing any day. But it shouldn’t be a last resort like that.
I have never had a positive experience with roommates/flatmates. I hate living with strangers. If something happens to my partner who I live with, I'm absolutely fucked.
I feel this. I hope your situation remains solid
I hope so too. Thanks kind stranger@@goshdarnsilly
Being alone together doesn't really work. If I want to be alone that means I literally don't want anyone in the house. I want to be able to walk freely around my living space without the fear of another person seeing me. I don't even want to talk to them, so sharing costs would barely work because you can't split grocery costs with someone who you don't speak with.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 3 years and are still barely squeaking by financially. I started organizing a tenants' union on Saturday. None of this gets better if we don't fight it.
💯. My state of Kansas has terrible Tenants rights
Love your video! I live in the UK on my own (with pets) and my career only picked up in my late 20s, before it was a constant struggle for survival. Although I live comfortably now at 30, looking back my 20s were work and work and over-hours and you guessed it more work. Sure I live nice now but to what price? Little to no friends, constantly busy and 2 periods with burn-out. I feel like I am starting to actually live my life now. The choice shouldn't be to survive or to have hobbies/relationships and it's only getting worse!
I can't tell you how much this means to me and how good it feels to hear someone put this together so intelligently and with a lot of compassion and insight.
Person from Poland here. I lived with my parents until my late twenties because I couldn't work while studying and after I got my degree I had trouble finding work, when I finally did the wages were quite poor. But finally I was able to rent something, at first sharing an apartment with my friend, but after a year she found a romantic partner, decided to move out to live with him. At first I stayed for a while in that apartment just by myself, then moved out to a studio apartment but to be honest most of the time I just got by. After a total of 4 years of renting places this year I moved back to my parents house. We talked about it and decided it's unreasonable for me to spend like 80% of my income on rent, utilities and food if I can have a part of the family house for myself (bedroom, living room and a kitchen, we have to share a bathroom though) and just pitch in a much smaller amount of money towards shared bills. So yeah, now I'm in my 30s, back to living with my family but at least now I can save some money for emergencies instead using all my paycheck for basic living expenses. And I make more than minimal wage!
As for roommates, I live in a small town and the issue is it's really hard to find some, even if I wanted to live with total strangers. People here either live alone if they can afford it, or in with their parents or with their partners/spouses. And nobody is renting just a room, it's a whole apartment or nothing. It's different in bigger cities where there are universities and students looking for rooms to rent or people coming to work there, but for the smaller towns like mine it's unheard of. And most of the apartments are not made with roommates in mind! When I was looking for a place to rent with my friend we looked for a long time because most of them consisted of a bedroom and an open living room with a kitchen so one person would have absolutely no privacy, not even a door to close. Or, there were separate rooms but one was really tiny, barely fitting a bed and the other really really big. Obviously there were made with couples in mind, to use the small room as a cozy bedroom and the big one as a spacious living room, not for two friends to have equal, separate spaces. Bigger apartments are really expensive and studio apartment are barely cheaper, like there's only 200-300 difference between renting a studio and renting a two room apartment. So yeah, living alone on one income? Really, really difficult.
I am so lucky to be living with a partner in a low-income area and we both have stable 40hr/wk jobs, but we STILL have to drain all of our accounts every month just to afford bills and neither of us can build up ANY sort of savings. It's ridiculous.
Here in the UK there’s something called co-housing, which is a commune-lite. So basically you have your own flat/house but share outdoor space, community space, and vehicles. Usually it’s for people who are like-minded, but it’s not about following a leader or guru or anything. I wish it was more commonly known. 🛋
I’m not settling for anyone. The wrong man can make my life exponentially worse than any loneliness that I’m feeling.
I live with my parents, I’m 21 and they’re currently okay with me being unemployed as long as I help take care of my nephew and some of the chores around the house. We live in a seven person household, both my parents work 40 hour work weeks and one of my sisters starts her new job next month, I’m not sure what her hours look like. I’m aroace and only have online friends, so I doubt I’ll be able to move out on my own, but I do hope to start earning money through art commissions to help get some stuff around the house that my parents never have money for, like fixing our gutters and getting new fire alarms. I’d also like to start buying projects to do with my nephew or buy a new game for us to play every once in awhile.
I once looked into renting together with friends (in the Netherlands) and it used to be not allowed to live with someone, other than yourself that was not your partner or offspring. There is a new rule now because of the housing market to "accommodate" starters. But there are a lot of rules and these contracts can negatively impact some of your financial benefits such as your pension, and rental allowance.
The world of housing is cruel to single people, it is almost impossible to afford something alone and as you said it is not being built much as it has less profit.
This is my 1st video , you are so on point , you are amazing ,the graphs ,tone of voice , speed, societal awareness poignancy. Wow.. wow