I am in the same Situation right now… its the hardest part of my life till yet. i am about 30 years… sometimes i think its almost to late for really grow up.. i feel like a little girl not a woman over 30…😢 thanks for telling your story, you are so stronge, that give me hope for my own way. thanks so much for share your emotion and love ❤
So I stumbled across this video and this is exactly what I needed. Lately I’ve been considering a lot moving out, because I realized my mom only gives me negative feelings…the thing is I’m scared of doing so specially because I just started working so I’m worried about how I will actually live by myself you know? In terms of money and everything
Omg yes!!! That justification part hit home with me, i named that part "The Missunderstood Victim" and it's always triggered by thinking about my father or hearing his voice where i zone out into a scenario where people are judging me for cutting him off and i'm helplessly trying to explain to them what a monster he is and running the arguments in my head. I even recorded him and wrote a word file detailing all the things he did just so i don't forget what an animal he is, it is so draining 😩
🙁 That sure sounds draining! 😯 I hope you know that you are right to be feeling your emotions. And i am so proud of you and i stand by your decision to prioritize your own well-being!! 💪🔥🔥🔥 Thank you for sharing this with me ❤️️💞 I wish you all the strength and positive experiences through your healing journey. From one struggling friend to another, you don't owe anyone any explanation if you don't want to. 💛 I know it's so hard to do, but here's a friendly reminder for both of us :)
Thank you for sharing this. I am in a similar state right now, I was about to move out last year but my parents stopped me, and honestly, it was the worst decision of my life to stay. As a result l am at the lowest point of my life (depression, anxiety, triggers etc.) and I can't wait until can move out. I am 19 now & just waiting for that day to come, every moment feels like eternity. I am tired. Life doesn't feels fair right now.
Hey Rubal, thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot. I really hope that you have the courage to do what is right for YOU. And i sincerely hope that you have the luxury (time, mental strength, emotional energy) to plan things in a way that will make sure you can transition out of the house in a safe and stable way. I hope you are able to strategically plan your move, and have a safety net and a support system. Those are all going to make this easier for you. Keep believing in yourself and in your strength. Be your own best friend -- dream, plan, act. Because you deserve to feel GOOD. ❤️️ Sending you a big hug. You got this! 💪🔥
Realising that i owe my mother nothing was enlightening. Realising that i was making excuses for her behaviour, things like that's just the way she is (no it's not, she chooses to act the way she did). I remember her always putting me down with her negativity, hitting me, calling me a failure and constantly degrading me as child (I wouldn't change my past as it has gotten me to where i am and my mindset but i'm no longer going to put up with her). Realising that i don't have to put up with her negativity. i recently realised that my relationship with my mother is one sided and that she acts like she doesn't care about my feelings so why should i bother. i'm open to communication but if it's negative i'm simply not interacting. I'm not going to feel ashamed for being me, and i am not going to try to change myself to fit into somebody else's life (This is for everybody in my life). I resonated with (tip toeing around the person and walking on eggshells around people). I discovered this channel through the tired of life video. How the constant pressure for self improvement and success is overwhelming and contributes negatively to my life. I really had to ask myself what success is. I am currently in my final year of high school (teachers aren't helping).
Hi Yes yes, I apologize for the delayed response. It was such a lovely comment to read... You sound strong, empowered, and filled with promise. I am so excited to see where you go, moving forward. You are obviously very smart, capable, and emotionally aware. I think the fact that you've come to these realizations so early (end of high school) means you'll start healing early, too. I know it won't be easy, but you can do it. There's going to be a lot of "re-parenting" involved. Like, all those voices that degrade you, well, you're going to have to replace the with compassionate and understanding voices. You'll have to be the parent that you never had, and show yourself the love that you truly deserve. And we need to keep doing this until it's internalized and feels natural. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, and i'll be here if you ever want to chat. You got this! I believe in you, and am so excited for you to discover yourself in a new light! ❤️️🌈🌱🌱☀️
Im happy for you my friend. I don’t know your experience exactly but i also come from a culture that encourages parents to control or attempt to control their kids so its a good thing to disconnect yourself from and I’m happy you’ve done this, its also nice that you have your husband as support. We’re in this journey together, thanks for sharing Mei ❤️
The truth is True friends are way better than family... Family is everything is clannish and toxic because often times family is the one that hurts us the most
I hear you! We can make our own families with people who understand the impact of trauma, and people who accept us for who we are (instead of projections of their own aspirations or insecurities).
Aw good on you friend! It musta been incredibly hard doing that, but same time i feel like the mental peace that will come of it will be Worth it :) Proud of how far you've come friend! And sure may have some rough times ahead, but we can do it! Kia kaha e hoa!
Hey Neil, I do feel like this can be such a long conversation. Like... it took me over 20 years to realize that this "relationship" is toxic, not sustainable, and literally killing me (such as my ability to mentally+ emotionally grow, and be psychologically safe and free, etc). So i 100% know that cutting off family is difficult and something that a lot of people will never even see as an option. I think the best way to go about answering your question of "how to deal with guilt" is asking ourselves where that guilt comes from. I think, most likely, it comes from our cultural and societal norms that tell us to value biological family. But to me, when i think about it, it doesn't make sense that we should be unconditionally accepting and loving of people just because we are related by blood. Other norms will tell us that because our parents gave birth to us, we owe them our lives. While i am incredibly grateful for what my parents did provide me, i also acknowledge that nothing excuses the unnecessary harm done, sometimes so cruelly too. I think you owe it to yourself to live your life in a safe (physically, mentally, emotionally) environment that will allow you to grow and nurture yourself in ways you truly deserve (which is sometimes sadly not what we have been conditioned to receive). I believe that you deserve to feel accepted, loved, supported for the creative, kind, and unique human that you are. And if a family member is actively making that impossible for you, i think they need to be told. And if they do not hear what you're saying, do not value your experience, do not consider your emotions, and do not respect your boundaries --- well I personally believe you don't need them in your life 😕 I understand it can be a controversial way of viewing this. I know that for many Asian cultures, one would rather sacrifice their own happiness than to "dishonor" the family system. But from my individualistic perspective, i don't believe that trade-off is worth it. I hope this helps! You are so welcome to share your thoughts and feedback. Hugs! ❤️️🍪
Hello, I hope your doing okay lately. Just yesterday I was listening to a person who mentioned the term blood is thicker than water has its misunderstandings. He mentioned that blood relations does not mean that your family, but its the heart that really determine if what family they are to your life. So someone outside of family can potentially be a brother,sister and best friend in life. I have heard for years that there are people that are more of a family to you than those of your own family, and its very true for me. though I have yet to experience the safety of being welcomed as family, at least I think so. Also Yesterday I have spoken with my uncle on how my struggles with family caused me to have a passion on researching family curses, and how roles repeat itself through generations. The reaction I had was him talking about himself in how much he sacrificed for family, and that I am the problem (without actually saying it upfront) why im basically stuck in life. One thing that stuck out was how much he kept repeating " im not trying to break you down" every now and then in his speech or pep talk. While using the sentence " where talking man to man, so do you want the full truth?" to have me listen to him pushing his thoughts about me, but when I deny his opinions, then Im rebellious and hard to talk to. He became more frustrated when I confessed that I only know about a person from face value but I dont know the whole story. So really I dont really know my family completley because the story change from person to person within it. And many relatives talk down about everyone behind closed doors. Just a heads up, if your going through any challenges after cutting contact from your mother, you may be experiencing a breakthrough in life. Cutting off from any family is never easy but theres always a build up, a very long build up to go through with that choice. You may experience more mood swings and sometimes doubt if you made the right choice. There are spiritual aspects at work, but there are many breakthroughs in life. Breakthrough from family can lead to breakthrough in depression. I suffer with depression too but I do know that it operate as a cycle. The oldest war in the world is a spiritual war, so its very important to pay attention to what is unseen. Your breaking free from one thing will lead to more breakthroughs, it wont be easy, because there are things that may pull you back to the same cycle. Be watchful of what goes on around you. Many years ago, I was doing a research essay to my choosing back in college around 2015 or so. I was researching Aokigahara forest or Suicide forest in Japan, and how many suicides happen because of the lack of human connection, and how the social challenges that happen in Japan, happens in the U.S. at least within 2 years. So in Japan there is a term called herbivore men (men who resist romantic relation with women) and around the same time the U.S. have there own unique version called MGTOW that became popular. While women in Japan became more carrier oriented, and in U.S. Feminism skyrocket because the relations between men and women became very dysfunctional. For the suicide part in Japan in connection to the U.S. is in the Japanese story telling. Movies in the late 90's and early 2000's their was, The Ring, The Grudge, Pulse/Kairo, One missed call, and many others. They all had a few things in common which was, how technology effect human relations that leads to disconnection causing loneliness and depression and death. They may be horror movies but there is always sorrow in helplessness because you cant really stop technology but it affects us every day of our lives. Now in U.S. in my opinion people now identify themselves based on labels than as a individual. Like alpha male/woman, beta male, incel and ect. and there are floods of information about narcissism on the internet which is a huge red flag about society. P.S.: on my last post I made a typo Transgenerational Trauma, not transgenerational curse. And for the movies their are people who still make reviews on them especially Kairo, because of how relevant it is in modern society.
Hey! Thank you for this thoughtful comment. It was very moving to read about the breakthroughs. And i was definitely very mad and sad when reading about the way your uncle speaks to you. I can relate to a certain extent with my father being quite "manipulative" and "strategic" in how he speaks. He could always find a way to make me feel guilty or wrong if i don't listen to him. Arguments are always one-sided, and i'm never given a chance to exercise my voice. My mother was the same but in her own way. I agree that the surge of content on narcissism points to this huge problem we've created as a society. At the same time, i'm glad all this information is finally being created and is available! Maybe we can finally start educating ourselves properly so that the next generations are trauma-informed and we break the cycle of shaming, humiliating, manipulating, etc. -- stop all this unhealthy and toxic "love"! Anyway, i trust that you understand your uncle is from a different time, and i hope you are aware enough to not take what he says too personally -- as hard as that is!! Please remember that you are worth exploring, nurturing, loving no matter his BS conditions (like insinuating you'll listen to him if you're a "man") -____- Sending you strength and hugs! 🍪☀️🌱
Thank you for your reply, the rabbit hole goes much deeper than just my uncle. But ironically he is the joke of the entire family because, he just gave up on life for a long time, he suffered from depression and life passed him by. But I say it’s not all his fault, the blame goes to the rest of the family because they spoke down on him and compared themselves for more than 20 years. Yet no one in the family ever wanted to get therapy or at least family therapy. I’m the only one that pushed for everyone to get help. He’s in his 50’s. I was wondering, does fear entice people to inflict their versions of trauma on the chosen victim, even subconsciously? Kinda like preserving their own security even in manipulation, even if it’s their own kin. I think it might be more than control but it’s also to convert the victim to become narcissistic themselves. What do you think? Is it okay to contact you through email? And I’m sure busy and you may be going through a lot too, once again thank you for your reply it means a lot to me. Please take care.
I am in the same Situation right now… its the hardest part of my life till yet. i am about 30 years… sometimes i think its almost to late for really grow up.. i feel like a little girl not a woman over 30…😢 thanks for telling your story, you are so stronge, that give me hope for my own way. thanks so much for share your emotion and love ❤
So I stumbled across this video and this is exactly what I needed. Lately I’ve been considering a lot moving out, because I realized my mom only gives me negative feelings…the thing is I’m scared of doing so specially because I just started working so I’m worried about how I will actually live by myself you know? In terms of money and everything
Omg yes!!! That justification part hit home with me, i named that part "The Missunderstood Victim" and it's always triggered by thinking about my father or hearing his voice where i zone out into a scenario where people are judging me for cutting him off and i'm helplessly trying to explain to them what a monster he is and running the arguments in my head. I even recorded him and wrote a word file detailing all the things he did just so i don't forget what an animal he is, it is so draining 😩
🙁 That sure sounds draining! 😯 I hope you know that you are right to be feeling your emotions. And i am so proud of you and i stand by your decision to prioritize your own well-being!! 💪🔥🔥🔥 Thank you for sharing this with me ❤️️💞 I wish you all the strength and positive experiences through your healing journey. From one struggling friend to another, you don't owe anyone any explanation if you don't want to. 💛 I know it's so hard to do, but here's a friendly reminder for both of us :)
You seem like a good person inside and out
Thank you! This means a lot!
Thank you for sharing this.
I am in a similar state right now, I was about to move out last year but my parents stopped me, and honestly, it was the worst decision of my life to stay. As a result l am at the lowest point of my life (depression, anxiety, triggers etc.) and I can't wait until can move out. I am 19 now & just waiting for that day to come, every moment feels like eternity. I am tired.
Life doesn't feels fair right now.
Hey Rubal, thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot. I really hope that you have the courage to do what is right for YOU. And i sincerely hope that you have the luxury (time, mental strength, emotional energy) to plan things in a way that will make sure you can transition out of the house in a safe and stable way. I hope you are able to strategically plan your move, and have a safety net and a support system. Those are all going to make this easier for you. Keep believing in yourself and in your strength. Be your own best friend -- dream, plan, act. Because you deserve to feel GOOD. ❤️️ Sending you a big hug. You got this! 💪🔥
Realising that i owe my mother nothing was enlightening. Realising that i was making excuses for her behaviour, things like that's just the way she is (no it's not, she chooses to act the way she did).
I remember her always putting me down with her negativity, hitting me, calling me a failure and constantly degrading me as child (I wouldn't change my past as it has gotten me to where i am and my mindset but i'm no longer going to put up with her).
Realising that i don't have to put up with her negativity. i recently realised that my relationship with my mother is one sided and that she acts like she doesn't care about my feelings so why should i bother.
i'm open to communication but if it's negative i'm simply not interacting. I'm not going to feel ashamed for being me, and i am not going to try to change myself to fit into somebody else's life (This is for everybody in my life).
I resonated with (tip toeing around the person and walking on eggshells around people).
I discovered this channel through the tired of life video. How the constant pressure for self improvement and success is overwhelming and contributes negatively to my life. I really had to ask myself what success is. I am currently in my final year of high school (teachers aren't helping).
Hi Yes yes,
I apologize for the delayed response. It was such a lovely comment to read... You sound strong, empowered, and filled with promise. I am so excited to see where you go, moving forward. You are obviously very smart, capable, and emotionally aware. I think the fact that you've come to these realizations so early (end of high school) means you'll start healing early, too. I know it won't be easy, but you can do it. There's going to be a lot of "re-parenting" involved. Like, all those voices that degrade you, well, you're going to have to replace the with compassionate and understanding voices. You'll have to be the parent that you never had, and show yourself the love that you truly deserve. And we need to keep doing this until it's internalized and feels natural.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey, and i'll be here if you ever want to chat. You got this! I believe in you, and am so excited for you to discover yourself in a new light! ❤️️🌈🌱🌱☀️
It's scary how similar our upbringings are, and our view of life
Eat well and talk a lot!
And don't forget icecream... especially icecream xD
Hugs to you! Happy to have found a friend with similar experiences 💞🍦🍦🍦
Im happy for you my friend. I don’t know your experience exactly but i also come from a culture that encourages parents to control or attempt to control their kids so its a good thing to disconnect yourself from and I’m happy you’ve done this, its also nice that you have your husband as support.
We’re in this journey together, thanks for sharing Mei ❤️
😭❤️️🙏💞 Hugs to you, boo! I'm always here if you wanna chat about anything!!
The truth is True friends are way better than family... Family is everything is clannish and toxic because often times family is the one that hurts us the most
I hear you! We can make our own families with people who understand the impact of trauma, and people who accept us for who we are (instead of projections of their own aspirations or insecurities).
You are very strong. Thank you for inspiring us.
That means so much, Christopher. Thank you for your kindness and support
Aw good on you friend! It musta been incredibly hard doing that, but same time i feel like the mental peace that will come of it will be Worth it :)
Proud of how far you've come friend! And sure may have some rough times ahead, but we can do it! Kia kaha e hoa!
🙏❤️️ Thank you for your love and friendship! Means a lot a lot! 💪💪💪☀️
You gotta do what you have to do. Nothing wrong with that. Whoever says differently, is stuck to a reality of someone else
🙏❤️️❤️️❤️️
How do u get rid of the guilt tho I left for almost four years no contact at all then I lost everything when she came back to my life
Hey Neil, I do feel like this can be such a long conversation. Like... it took me over 20 years to realize that this "relationship" is toxic, not sustainable, and literally killing me (such as my ability to mentally+ emotionally grow, and be psychologically safe and free, etc). So i 100% know that cutting off family is difficult and something that a lot of people will never even see as an option.
I think the best way to go about answering your question of "how to deal with guilt" is asking ourselves where that guilt comes from. I think, most likely, it comes from our cultural and societal norms that tell us to value biological family. But to me, when i think about it, it doesn't make sense that we should be unconditionally accepting and loving of people just because we are related by blood.
Other norms will tell us that because our parents gave birth to us, we owe them our lives. While i am incredibly grateful for what my parents did provide me, i also acknowledge that nothing excuses the unnecessary harm done, sometimes so cruelly too.
I think you owe it to yourself to live your life in a safe (physically, mentally, emotionally) environment that will allow you to grow and nurture yourself in ways you truly deserve (which is sometimes sadly not what we have been conditioned to receive). I believe that you deserve to feel accepted, loved, supported for the creative, kind, and unique human that you are. And if a family member is actively making that impossible for you, i think they need to be told. And if they do not hear what you're saying, do not value your experience, do not consider your emotions, and do not respect your boundaries --- well I personally believe you don't need them in your life 😕 I understand it can be a controversial way of viewing this. I know that for many Asian cultures, one would rather sacrifice their own happiness than to "dishonor" the family system. But from my individualistic perspective, i don't believe that trade-off is worth it. I hope this helps! You are so welcome to share your thoughts and feedback. Hugs! ❤️️🍪
It's so releaving to hear u say these things when for so long I never knew how to understand what was really happening to me
❤️️😔 I'm with you. I hear you. and your comment means a lot. Thank you for this connection
Hello, I hope your doing okay lately. Just yesterday I was listening to a person who mentioned the term blood is thicker than water has its misunderstandings. He mentioned that blood relations does not mean that your family, but its the heart that really determine if what family they are to your life. So someone outside of family can potentially be a brother,sister and best friend in life. I have heard for years that there are people that are more of a family to you than those of your own family, and its very true for me. though I have yet to experience the safety of being welcomed as family, at least I think so.
Also Yesterday I have spoken with my uncle on how my struggles with family caused me to have a passion on researching family curses, and how roles repeat itself through generations. The reaction I had was him talking about himself in how much he sacrificed for family, and that I am the problem (without actually saying it upfront) why im basically stuck in life. One thing that stuck out was how much he kept repeating " im not trying to break you down" every now and then in his speech or pep talk. While using the sentence " where talking man to man, so do you want the full truth?" to have me listen to him pushing his thoughts about me, but when I deny his opinions, then Im rebellious and hard to talk to. He became more frustrated when I confessed that I only know about a person from face value but I dont know the whole story. So really I dont really know my family completley because the story change from person to person within it. And many relatives talk down about everyone behind closed doors.
Just a heads up, if your going through any challenges after cutting contact from your mother, you may be experiencing a breakthrough in life. Cutting off from any family is never easy but theres always a build up, a very long build up to go through with that choice. You may experience more mood swings and sometimes doubt if you made the right choice. There are spiritual aspects at work, but there are many breakthroughs in life. Breakthrough from family can lead to breakthrough in depression. I suffer with depression too but I do know that it operate as a cycle. The oldest war in the world is a spiritual war, so its very important to pay attention to what is unseen. Your breaking free from one thing will lead to more breakthroughs, it wont be easy, because there are things that may pull you back to the same cycle. Be watchful of what goes on around you.
Many years ago, I was doing a research essay to my choosing back in college around 2015 or so. I was researching Aokigahara forest or Suicide forest in Japan, and how many suicides happen because of the lack of human connection, and how the social challenges that happen in Japan, happens in the U.S. at least within 2 years. So in Japan there is a term called herbivore men (men who resist romantic relation with women) and around the same time the U.S. have there own unique version called MGTOW that became popular. While women in Japan became more carrier oriented, and in U.S. Feminism skyrocket because the relations between men and women became very dysfunctional. For the suicide part in Japan in connection to the U.S. is in the Japanese story telling. Movies in the late 90's and early 2000's their was, The Ring, The Grudge, Pulse/Kairo, One missed call, and many others. They all had a few things in common which was, how technology effect human relations that leads to disconnection causing loneliness and depression and death. They may be horror movies but there is always sorrow in helplessness because you cant really stop technology but it affects us every day of our lives. Now in U.S. in my opinion people now identify themselves based on labels than as a individual. Like alpha male/woman, beta male, incel and ect. and there are floods of information about narcissism on the internet which is a huge red flag about society.
P.S.: on my last post I made a typo Transgenerational Trauma, not transgenerational curse. And for the movies their are people who still make reviews on them especially Kairo, because of how relevant it is in modern society.
Hey!
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. It was very moving to read about the breakthroughs. And i was definitely very mad and sad when reading about the way your uncle speaks to you. I can relate to a certain extent with my father being quite "manipulative" and "strategic" in how he speaks. He could always find a way to make me feel guilty or wrong if i don't listen to him. Arguments are always one-sided, and i'm never given a chance to exercise my voice. My mother was the same but in her own way.
I agree that the surge of content on narcissism points to this huge problem we've created as a society. At the same time, i'm glad all this information is finally being created and is available! Maybe we can finally start educating ourselves properly so that the next generations are trauma-informed and we break the cycle of shaming, humiliating, manipulating, etc. -- stop all this unhealthy and toxic "love"!
Anyway, i trust that you understand your uncle is from a different time, and i hope you are aware enough to not take what he says too personally -- as hard as that is!! Please remember that you are worth exploring, nurturing, loving no matter his BS conditions (like insinuating you'll listen to him if you're a "man") -____-
Sending you strength and hugs! 🍪☀️🌱
Thank you for your reply, the rabbit hole goes much deeper than just my uncle. But ironically he is the joke of the entire family because, he just gave up on life for a long time, he suffered from depression and life passed him by. But I say it’s not all his fault, the blame goes to the rest of the family because they spoke down on him and compared themselves for more than 20 years. Yet no one in the family ever wanted to get therapy or at least family therapy. I’m the only one that pushed for everyone to get help. He’s in his 50’s.
I was wondering, does fear entice people to inflict their versions of trauma on the chosen victim, even subconsciously? Kinda like preserving their own security even in manipulation, even if it’s their own kin. I think it might be more than control but it’s also to convert the victim to become narcissistic themselves. What do you think?
Is it okay to contact you through email? And I’m sure busy and you may be going through a lot too, once again thank you for your reply it means a lot to me. Please take care.
Hi Hello
Hi! :)
How can I contact you privately ?