Family estrangement (or distancing yourself from your family) can take a lot of courage. Leaving your family isn't an easy decision to make. Learn more about this topic here: th-cam.com/video/3htF-cZJxWU/w-d-xo.html
Thankyou so much for making these videos and for your deep understanding and non judgement around this issue. I’ve received some acceptance and celebration of my decision from some and condemnation and the standard “but their family” reactions from others and I’m one of the lucky ones who made friends with people who were understanding and didn’t judge me, so I felt a bit more at liberty to share that status at least. It’s a terrible situation and extremely painful for a long time in the process of cutting all contact, especially when it’s with your entire family, like I had to because both brothers chose to take sides with my parents who were unwilling to look at how their behaviours affected me no matter how much I developed my capacity ot communicate to them in non attacking language…it just pushed them further into denial and made interaction impossible
Leaving any abusive relationship is difficult and requires courage, and I would hope if you had to cut people in your family out that you were experiencing an actively abusive relationship with them Family estrangement does not require courage Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them like the adult, that you are rather than the child that you were takes courage Taking the opportunity to be the adult when you realize that your parent never will be takes courage , and I make you a better person Recognizing that sometimes a mother or father requires compassion as much as you do takes courage Trying rather than hauling ass because your parents bother you takes courage My struggle with my parents probably should’ve ended earlier than at 40 years old , but I thought that I owed it to myself to make sure I had done what I could. If they were actively abusive, and I realize that the world that they’ve lived and valued me to the point, that I was barely human to them. I had to go. And so I had to cut them off to keep looking at myself in the mirror and to value myself. All I want to do is address my daughters issues, and make more in depth apologies and clarifications and explanations, as I had always intended to do when she got older before all of this. The fact that this has become an openly accepted solution to your parents texting you too much, or not respecting your meal choices, or whatever is absurd. Like I said, there’s no expectation that things aren’t going to runs perfectly for kids and if they don’t, it’s always going to be someone else’s fault. Life is tough get a f’ing Helmet. Everyone resents their parents. is just punishment , and in my opinion, a cheap shot to use your parents love for you to punish them. Generation X would’ve been horrified to use somebody’s authentic given live as a widely excepted tool of punishment against your parents. Your parents don’t have all the answers either It’s all a shit show, and if your parents are willing to try, let them because a lot of parents are assholes If your mother and father love you, cutting them off, will mess you up as well as them How much do you really remember from your childhood with a clear eye? Is it possible that other things were going on that you weren’t aware of because of your age? Does your mom or dad not deserve that benefit of the doubt before you write them off? 5 years ago it would have been considered inhumane I thought that I had suffered the cruelties that life had to offer, including the death of my twin sister, and mother three months later from suicide. Doesn’t even touch what it feels like to lose your daughter.
Walking away wasn't thought through on my part. It just happened as if I had never had a mother which is probably why it "just happened." I tried for years to have a relationship. She never showed reciprocal interest. I stopped trying and she continued not to care. There was not a relationship to end because one never existed. However, the damage is still there buried deep, growing and destroying.
Wow this describes my situation so well. I never thought as a kid that my mother would have no interest in my life or my children. She sort of tries every once in awhile but it’s just a card, she’s not interested in anything beyond that. My kids don’t remember anything about her. It’s like she never existed and she used to be the center of my world when I was little.
Wow you just made me glad I cut off a guy I see signs of ASPD in. He has no empathy, clueless about things that are emotionally related (I’m am not emotional, actually autistic) and I find it disturbing how unemotional he is. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want it for myself but mostly I imagined my children having him for a father and just could not do it. I’m not here for children that have to monitor their father’s emotions to gauge how to be and question me about it so I fled. This is reaffirming bc I know he wouldn’t have truly loved “our children.”
Yes! I ran away from home a few days before I turned 18, just went to a friends and then stopped back a few more times to pick up a few things and never went back. Never once did my mother try to reach out or call. When I was traveling, homeless, or even when I had a child. I never reached out again, and it's been that way for almost 15 years.
Thank you so much for this, Támara 💚I made the decision to estrange myself form my maternal family - mom, grandmother, twin sister - 3 years ago. There was nothing else left to but choose myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, as it is like grieving a 'living death'. I feel seen and heard watching your videos, and less alone.
You're welcome 🤗 You did a very hard thing. It's hard to separate from family you have always known. There is certainly a grieving process. But I'm so glad you are on the channel and benefiting.
One day, I couldn't take it anymore. I just got in my car, went to library for mapquest directions, AND DROVE FAR, FAR AWAY. AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM !!!AND I AM FREE.
Nice to know I'm not alone and not the only one. It's so hard to be estranged. There's a lot of stigma around it also. Also there is the "survivor guilt". A lot of survivors blame themselves and feel responsible. Sometimes you feel obligated to rescue family. So many internal pressures with a narc family and from society and with our human need to bond/attach.
Estrangement can be a blessing! It's the only way and I have no worries. I have been missing the live, but I always watch. This lesson is fascinating! Thanks Tamara
My estranged Mother just passed away. I didn't go to the funeral. I called her in hospice when all she could do was hear me and I wished her peace and told her I never stopped loving her. She abused me in every way and all I needed was for her to respect my boundaries and take accountability for it all. I’m mourning the fact that the hope for a healthy relationship was gone when she died. The fact that I had to call her when I knew she couldn't hurt me by talking was super sad. I’m happy I said goodbye and I gave her peace. I'm so confused, I’m relieved, I feel regret for never having the relationship I wanted. I’m sad.
About 20 years ago now, I decided to take a break from communicating with my family. I didn't announce it or anything. Just stopped communicating. About two weeks later, my sister called, acting as Flying Monkey. Asking me what was wrong. She said everyone was getting along. She spoke almost as if nothing had ever happened, not even the recent blow-up between the two other family members, which prompted my temporary break. I just politely said that no I didn't have a problem with anyone in the family. I was vague and reassuring. Because talking any other way in my family would be considered the height of rudeness. Apart from all the times when they are all not very polite. At the time, I had no idea what Flying Monkeys were (apart from the ones in Wizard of Oz). And I had no idea what gaslighting was. Well, I didn't know the terms. I decided shortly after that to make the break permanent. Or at least indefinite. Apart from attending the one funeral, about 9 years ago, I have not talked to any of them since that day. At times I have felt a twinge of guilt about leaving behind the more 'reasonable' family members. This normally got washed away, when I imagined talking to any of them, and what the conversation would be like. These days, having reflected, and worked on myself, done some research, tried a few different forms of therapy (and self-medicating), I feel more like I did what I had to do, and that if I had stuck around, they would have all sent me as Crazy as they were.
@@RHatcherMD I can see why your family might have been confused according to your story. The blow up didn’t involve you or your sister. So she’s thinking why cut off from me? You suggest though they don’t communicate healthy, and that may be a problem for sure, and your answer was to not communicate at all, and that’s healthy? Seems they are both unhealthy ways. If you did do for your own well being why not at least communicate with them one time? Something like for my own mental health I can’t be involved or around all this drama and everyone blowing up at each other. Idk 🤷🏻♀️ something that let them know why you shut the door. Maybe they didn’t deserve to know but it seems they were left guessing as to why and why not communicate healthy yourself since it what’s you would have wanted for yourself? Sounds like no one practiced healthy communication, not even you. You want to call them out on their bad behavior by shutting everyone out. I’m glad though it was a good decision for you because ultimately you were taking care of you.
Whew, you explained exactly what's happening to me right now. Had to limit contact with my non-empathetic mother and it's been hard. She oversteps my boundaries and acts all nice to me because she wants something and surprise surprise hurts me again. It's tough because I thought she was the "good" and "normal" parent (I'm estranged from my father as well) when in reality she never celebrated any of my successes, always quick to change the topic, and made me feel less than. But I need to do this because I'm worth it.
Yes, absolutely! You're welcome. And I'm very glad you feel validated. One of the goals of my videos is to realistically validate you and ensure that you are getting correct and therapeutic knowledge.
I’m starting a new life without any family. My kids have been abusive for years, thanks to their dad, who has a personality disorder. When I was 19 I walked away from narcissistic parents. It is inter generational but it isn’t any easier to ease the pain. How do horrible people blackmail others into poisonous relationships as opposed to walking away. I know I will never see my kids again because I told them the truth. We divorced because he is an alcoholic psychopath. My consolation will be when they have to see it once they have to take care of him. Estrangement is the worst but if you admit that basically you don’t fit with these folks and you’re walking away because there’s nothing that will change it.
Dude walking away from siblings and parents is understandable. But you brought kids into this world. No no no no. They did not ask for this. That's why Christ said. " There will come a time when you say blessed are the wombs that never have birth, blessed are the sacks that never gave birth" He saw through the nonsense of parenting.
You are AMAZING and have helped me SO much as I binge watch your videos. I want to thank you personally because a lot of us cannot afford therapy but by you doing these videos you help us understand and teach us ways to cope. You are a blessing and an excellent therapist. If I was in PA I’d make it a point to seek care with you. Blessed are your patients. I can tell you love what you do.
I have no bond with my family whatsoever. When my dad died no one in my family told me and attended his funeral. I lived 4 miles from his house and one of my sisters shrugged and said nobody knew where I lived? Im very angry at my family. Then I had a niece I was very close to and we had a huge falling out. She actually blamed me for the problems in her marriage. We went no contact for over 20 years. The only reason we started talking was because my dad was in the hospital and we ran into each other. Same niece has paranoia over covid and spent the week lying to me to prevent me from visiting her. She didn't want me around because she wanted to visit her newborn grandson on new years eve "without wearing a mask" as she put it and told me to order some olive garden and I wasn't allowed to be around her. The kicker is she knows I have nobody and live out of my car. She knew I would be alone sitting at a truck stop and she was fine with that. Then texted me happy new year at 2am. Also too she basically doesn't respond to my texts up to that point and some of my texts were funny stuff I would share. She wouldn't respond. Or 3 days later she would say for some reason she's just now seeing my text. She's so bad at this that Im basically done communicating with her. I want to see how long it will take before she responds. I just really don't want anymore to do with my family. I was always part of their life but they were never part of mine.
In-laws. Ugh. Emotionally distancing is all I can do since I have to see them every so often. I will say that I made up an excuse to get out of seeing them this past weekend and I was SO happy to be left alone to clean my house for several hours. Bliss! Who knew house cleaning could be so rewarding!
There was a lot of abuse covered up. And my older sister although I love her she never really had my back. I realized I can never be honest with here or talk about those things because thats when she gets angry and starts telling me to move on already. We have had this very distant relationship for a long time.
I would ask any adult daughter or son if they wish not to see a parent again. That they tell them what's happening. Even if it's only a letter or a text. It's the worse thing to lose a child . But to lose a child of 34 suddenly with no warning and no way of finding out why is torture. The worry alone ,not knowing if he was alright destroyed me. All i wanted for years was just a text to tell me he was alright. It has had a very bad affect on me. I think about him every day. I say this to help save any parent from the agony i have gone through.
This is so true!! This happened to us also and on researching their are thousands of parents that are shattered with no real idea of what was wrong. No family is perfect but we tried to have a happy healthy family and thought we had achieved that. We are so grief stricken and confused.
Sorry to hear this, it sounds painful. I my case, (the adult child who is estranged from her mum). That explanation or reasoning for why the cut off is happening seems like yet another opportunity (in my case) to be hurt, dismissed, ignored yet again. I imagine for many people we have already lived with parents who lack empathy and understanding so writing a letter or explaining our actions is giving an opportunity to the ones who hurt us to open up a wound we are trying to close. Not saying this is you but I've had convoys with many in the same situation and what a parent may see as ‘closure’ the child may see as ‘re-traumatising’. The ONLY way I would probably explain anything is if my mother showed genuine interest, empathy and emotion to understand what my experience is. But through fear, pride and a sense of entitlement I feel it will never happen. In 36 years she's never asked or wondered about my life/experience.
I am a senior female, now, put on disability after two crimes.....and we have nowhere safe to live. Nowhere. I have been traveling around the u.s. now for ten years, staying at hostels. No family as I was the oldest of four, and not a good relationship with family....not supportive. So I went away.....and I am so tired, so tired of it all. I just can't go on, anymore.
I feel conflicted because my dad did this to everyone who didn't agree with what he believed . So as a child, we had relationships severed and I was taught if someone makes me feel mad or irritated that I should cut them out. It actually was a weapon for thinking the one cutting people out is in the "right". #1, telling people in your life if they don't perform as u wish, they are threatened to be removed at will. #2 not every perception is reality. There is no information here on identifying avoidance behavior response or discomfort of being vulnerable by communicating on both sides whether in therapy or personal to resolve individual needs working together. #3 cutting off just leaves complete unresolved issues which trickles into other future relationships #4 grandiose delusion of self ...you are the only one who's problems are important. I don't see how running away has ever been the answer UNLESS it's actual abuse. Not the drama language used Today such as abused, assaulted, oppressed. The definitions have been Skewed and misused to express trendy narratives. Separation, loneliness. Abandonment. How is this helpful longterm generation after generation as healthy family therapy? I'm halfway through the video and im Hoping some positive suggestions via therapy show up rather than teaching people to run from their problems. My dad died not speaking to his twin brother. My husband cut off his mother AND father at Separate times only to allow them back in if they behaved the way HIS narcissist brain thought they should (which they did walking on eggshells). Now third generation LEARNED behavior of estrangement is happening. It does not seem like therapists have the right advice except to encourage people to be MORE self centered, "my needs, my wants, me me me me" (2 year old) mentality rather than learning conflict resolution, joint therapy, communication skills, and AT LAST ABSOLUTE LAST resort...separation. it's so unbelievably SAD how these therapists today just talk about it without an emotional attachment which discusses loss on both sides. Heartbreaking.!!! We are a doomed society.
Hi Lisa, please do a video and say all you just said here because it is wrong to blame the mother of everything that is not going well in the daughter's life. Nobody cares to hear the other side. It hurts when they blame you for everything.
Umm no it should not be the last last. It should come in after you have tried at least talking, and setting boundaries. If those are violated twice. Then it’s time to cut ties. Last last implies after long year’s suffering which you most likely end up very damaged when you could have walked away earlier. Family or not TOXIC IS TOXIC!
❤❤❤ thank you 🙏🙏 so much. I am 40 years old this is the first time in my life after cutting everyone off from my narcissist relatives. I have peace, balance, harmony, financial relief.This explains what I'm going through.. This usually makes their stalking more intense by any means. My health has and is improving because I walked away this time with no contact period. Best choice I ever made.
This is a good question/point. Sometimes it is both parties, while in some situations it is one-sided. It's hard to determine what is going on in the dynamic. I'll try to mention this Friday during my live chat.
Same! I think “there are 4 of them and 1 of me…..it MUST be me. How can it be all of them?” But then I realize they all live in the same town and I’m 4 hours away so……they all talk and see eachother a lot and I’m the black sheep. So, yes, it IS them. But they do make me question my sanity at times.
Same here but for me its unhealthy to be expected to tolerate unhealthy behavior and judgements by them but they cant tolerate who I am as a person. Ive tried to blend and fit the molds but they always find a fault. So if you have to be estranged, its your choice but most people on these platforms say they wish they had done it sooner, started the healing process sooner etc including myself by 10 years.
I had many discussions with co workers and friends and my one sister etc and reading books and watching videos and thinking real hard if it was me after going NC then LC with two family members. But when I think about what my one sis does to me like place my gifts next to the litterbox on the floor , have her friends come over to say “ yeah I heard a lot about you with a nasty smirk on their face , when my sis was pregnant I asked her if I could throw her a baby shower she says “ why? Who is coming and why would you want to do that ? Look at my new condo all judgmental bc it’s small ( and she did not have one nice thing to say about it ), her own daughter went NC on her for a year and she has a friend ( now ex friend ) who told her she was a very judgmental person and she no longer wanted to be her friend. Her step son told me he did not like her and the list goes on …. I can clearly see it’s not me. When I think of the 1 million things my mom did to me I can clearly see it’s not me.
When you say ignore texts, emails and such, do you mean block them? As in literally block them on your communication devices or just ignore as in do not respond? Thank you
I grewup w estrangement. I was estranged from my dad at 3( mu mother used me as a pawn to get bk at my dad/ his family). I found my dad at 17 after being kicked out at 16 by my mother( she married 3x w 4 kids by three guys). She did not speak to or check on Mr for two yrs while laying beside her 3rd husband in a warm house while I was homeless. I am in my 50s but I suffer OCD , Anxiety/ panic/ fibro/ high bp etc. It really affects every aspect of your life
This might make no sense but I'm saying it anyway. I am JEALOUS of adult children who have critical parents. My mom cares so little she isn't critical - criticism means someone cares. She has no expectations. It's just nothingness. I wish I had a critical parent with high expectations. Better than a non caring abusive jerk who WANTS YOU TO FAIL. Wants to one up you. Gets pissed if you do well! I got a bachelor's degree, she got a PHD. She already had a masters. She didn't even use it, it was solely to one up me. And it was SO HARD to get it, I had a child during my education and an abuser was in my life. No graduation party, was all about HER. I'm sick of it, I can NEVER WIN. Always one down, always the loser. Aquires flying monkeys immediately, so she gets her word out first and it's ALL LIES. Then I'm on defense. I give up - on myself AND her. Everything. I have 5 kids and small business and I want to just get rid of everything. The emptiness is absurd from all of the neglect.
No, this make A LOT of sense. I understand what you mean. One of my clients is feeling this same way and looks for her father to show some disapproval or approval. Just having a response is enough for her -- good or bad. It sounds like you understand the dynamic here. I'm just sorry you have had to deal with this.
My mother died, I think she is in hell. I feel sad for her. She never made peace, was angry and full of hate for me and a lot of other family members too. May god have mercy on her soul.
Actually, nothing is said, but a day becomes a week, becomes a month, a year, then decades go by. The phone works 2 ways. They never reach out for us and instead use us for gossip bonding. It's not planned but just allowed, reinforcing the fact we're not important to them anyway.
Since my early 20s I been growing apart from my entire family tree. I grew up in a chaotic, violent environment. I have very homophobic family members. As the L of lgbtq community the only way that I will be able to live life in my on my own terms. I have family members that are mean, rude, emotionally unavailable and impatient. This has brought me a strong sense of freedom and happiness.
After three years, I am often surprised when the thought of her crosses my mind. Then I laugh, because the estrangement I wished for has become reality. Sadly, this is my MOMster.
I had this and it continues to happen I gave up! I just hide in my room because it’s easier! I try talking and then feel ganged up on! And we ha been going through grief after losing my Dad and my therapist says we all are going through grief but I seem to be the last going through it and when I walked away before I felt good! I met my husband shortly after I came back and I hit the brakes on him meeting them because I was scared of them doing what they do to me! I more positive and upbeat normally but here lately being around them brings out more negative behaviors and they even have tried to blame my words I say to them on him like did you talk to him today? Like seriously I can’t even believe that I am hearing these things because I love them all they are supposed to be my family and I get that people change but surely they all did morph right? But maybe I changed how I redo see them and even though I love them I don’t have to accept the behavior and hurtful words! I actually started to believe the narrative that they formed and it isn’t true they don’t know him that well! They have not lived our life and it hurts! I feel estranged from all of them r now and I have been in therapy for 3 months and I spoke to a professional who specializes in family dynamics and she agreed that it might be better for my mental health to step away because it seems to be affecting me in a very negative manner and I jut want to heal and deal with them one on one rather then feel like I am being tag teamed in their verbal assault! I actually have been praying about this for weeks now and I have a peaceful mindset on doing things that are going to help me! I have a hard time expressing myself at times because they argue with me and say I’m not the same person but I know I am not! I am older and wiser and less tolerant of people who don’t want the best for me! Not them and what benefits them! Control seems to be the dynamic! I just want to make memories and we can’t even do that anymore! It’s sad! Boundaries are important for everyone! Pray I stay strong! ❤
Why is it always the child walking away from their parent(s)? Most of what I find on the Internet is about this issue. What if the reverse is true - the parent who doesn't want to be hurt by their adult child anymore?
It's a cultural phenomenon among millions of people. I don't even take it seriois at this point. For some people, it's legit. However, most people are just following the crowd. It gets a lot of psychologists and therapists paid big time though.
Thanks for that information. So, that applies to anyone in the family? Parents feel sometimes that they might need to cut off someone of sadly own children. What do you say? Thanks
What about telling the person you're walking away from why you are going no contact? I have personal knowledge of how damaging and long term suffering is caused by someone just going no contact. The ruminating is so awful. It causes severe anxiety ND low self esteem issues. If you're going to make the extreme act of estranging from a sibling or whoever isn't it best to at least tell the person why? Especially if the one being left has mental health issues.
I think there is a difference between "the silent treatment" and going no contact. I've gone no contact with my Father after decades of abuse with no remorse. To continue seeing him would be to make myself an emotional punching bag for him. He had made it clear he doesn't give a damn about me, or anyone else. The guy's a total sociopath. After going no contact, I found out he sexually abused my brother. This total piece of you-know-what deserves nothing, no explanation, nothing, nada.
I totally agree with giving the target person a reason for the estrangement. The possible negative effect on the target can be devastating. Unless you’re driven by sadism I don’t think most people or even therapist who advise to cut off family realize the detrimental mental health affect. I do agree if severe abuse has taken place then that’s a different case. Great subject.
I wrote my mom 5 letters to explain CLEARLy why I had to go No Contact. She still didnt get it and responded with.. "I was a very good mother.' She is 90. I am 62.
I’ve been estranged from my family for 15 years. 8 months ago my mom died and a week ago my grandmother died. I went to both funerals and my family ignored me as if I did something wrong to them. They are the ones who discarded me because they wouldn’t accept my girlfriend because they just didn’t like her. Meanwhile, she helped me move up in life and I’ve had a better life ever since I met her. I think they are jealous of me. My uncles left me out of my grandmothers obituary and the day before she died they had my grandmother’s will changed and cut me out of it. I was in the original will. I was gonna try and contest it but it’s probably not worth all the pain. I know my grandmother still loved me despite the fact that our relationship was broken. I just have to move on and try to find peace. I often blame myself for the estrangement but then I pinch myself and tell myself that it wasn’t me, it was them.
The trauma of being helpless to protect your children…. diagnosed with ptsd severe…. Domestic violence, financial abuse betrayal …. Fear along with fight or flight leaves you in a place you don’t wanna be! Domestic violence shelters do not exist! You will be thrown into the homeless population and navigating through is just more trauma. I used to think I was smart enough to plan for emergency situations etc; but sadly the abusers are always 3 steps ahead knocking out everything you’ll reach for
When everyone who committed abuse is willing to own it, apologize, and do better. But even then, there can be times when the damage is too severe and you just have to choose your own sanity and walk. Sometimes you do so much harm to another person that you can never get them back and it's something you have to accept.
I’m 45 Haven’t seen mothers face in 9 years: haven’t seen fathers in about 3. Blocked on father’s phone- no contact at all for almost 1 year after 20 years of Rocky roads. Haven’t seen sibleings in about 5 years or better. No contact as well- Haven’t heard a word from anyone except mom’s ex husband since the birth of my two kids. 5 and 2 My father met my oldest when she was 1. Obviously they don’t remember him. They’ve never seen my mother or my siblings. Violent, abusive pack of criminals they are: I chose to stop ✋ the cycle of violence and emotional damage. Sexual and physical abuse was some of the reasons: I hoped everyone finds peace
Walking away should be a last resort. I've recently been emotionally abused, incredibly and shockingly, through experiencing estrangement from my adult child. And I'd have to say my situation is more so because of the unhealthy third party in her life. Much of this is caused by the vast populus of young people who are now today's adults, who as children were alienated from the other parent and their families in divorce. And that influence exists in an antisocial climate impacting the societal norm, causing estrangements. That should be seriously considered in a peer reviewed way. And then focused on healing them and making them more resilient instead of harming everyone. And it's easily a frivolous solution today in epidemic proportions! And though the parents, especially the mother/grandmothers, bare most of the devastation, these kids also do, especially daughters. Who are also ignoring a lot of pain that this dynamic is causing them. .. Not able to share life's changes, new children, successes, etc. I grew up as a major scapegoat in my house. Psychologists would have definitely advised me to alienate! I'm glad I didn't. But i also regret not healing. And i really don't think alienating them would have accomplished it. Because I know even in estrangement, I still would have been competing for self affirmation in my head. The best advice i could have received would have been to understand the normalcy of my life instead of always reaching out into making unhealthy decisions in order to be seen as acceptable. And, i would have regretted not being able to share my life with my mom. I just accepted her for who she was instead of expecting her to be something or someone else thati decided for her. .. Which is crazy unhealthy to do! Me and my personal family and I would have done better, and I would have made more realistic decisions if i had healed while staying in contact. Now, at almost 60, i lost my mom this year. Now i see things more clearly. My lack of health was because I didn't understand the unrealistic vs, just resting in the enjoyment of the realistic. Estrangement would NOT have fixed that anyway. And it would only have caused ridiculous heart-wrenching devastation to myself and my mom. And that regret would have caught up to me eventually anyway. .. Wasted years hurt! .. Remaining the scapegoat also hurt! The answer would have been to not let myself be the scapegoat in myself. Regardless of how others behaved towards me. I needed to stop seeking more in the unrealistic. And it really has nothing to do with needing them to change.
Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't. The hardest thing I ever done was walking away from the relationship with my son. He used to be a kind and loving son. But slowly he grew colder and colder to me. In the end totally shooting me down as a mother. I couldn't take it anymore.. But living with out him hurts very bad too. 😢😢
I am single mom I have raised my son all by myself, he is 24 years old now , he was great till 18 , I wish I could explain in 10 sentences about how he behaves! He dropped out of university and doesn’t work , he is depressed and paranoid and I have taken him to therapy and was given meds , but he has trust issues and he thinks Doctors are trying to kill him , he is extremely abusive with me and has no trust , I can’t please him if I took him to the moon and back , he blames me for everything and never gives me a ligit explanation, makes no sense and has no logic, he is at home 24hours a day , it’s very frustrating for me . Please help me what can I do ? He is extremely dirty at home never cleans and he won’t allow me to clean , as he says don’t touch my shit “ Sometimes I wish I dyed so I don’t have to see this cause I can’t take it anymore 😢
I heard someone said I am not responsible for my parents that choose to raise me” There’s something wrong with this generation, never in history a generation has been soo lucky, no wars, not hungry, wealth, good education available and jet they all feel that they were abused as a child. When I was little many times we had not food on our plate, and I never felt abused or a victim.
You seem to be talking about adult children that walk away from their family. Please stop this!! I am the mother!! I have never stopped trying to reconcile with my daughter who has been estranged for 4 years for which my husband and I and her two brothers and extended family cannot understand. The clinical phycologist which we managed to get her to one or two times and her answer to what was the main problem was and the answer is "I can't put my finger on it". We are all nearly grieved to death!! Please consider the thousands of parents who loved their children unconditionally, gave them a great childhood but cannot reconcile. Do some more research on that before posting another podcast!!
I can definitely empathize with you and I'm so sorry this has been a painful journey for you. Just from your comment alone I can see that your trajectory is that of pain and defensiveness as well as uncertainty and frustration. It's a very challenging system and having worked in it with parents and families for 15 years, I can definitely see the need for reconciliation in some families. Keep in mind that not every video you come across on TH-cam is for you and neither is the topic choice. This video just happens to not meet you where you're at but it may meet the millions of other people who are struggling with family and parents that are abusive, unhealthy, and emotionally harmful. Searching for a video that is for you would be more helpful. We, as a society, have to learn to balance the reality that both challenges (situations like yours and cases like the ones I discuss in this video) can coexist. We can't favor one side of this topic and not the other! If I stopped talking about this side of things, only your side would be supported and that's not fair. But again, I do empathize with you and I hope you are able to find peace of mind along the way.
This is a very heavy, one sided point of view. In many cases of estrangement there is no physical, sexual abuse or any abuse. Cutting someone off seems so extreme when in many cases conflict can be resolved with two adults who can communicate in a healthy respectful manner.
Family estrangement (or distancing yourself from your family) can take a lot of courage. Leaving your family isn't an easy decision to make. Learn more about this topic here: th-cam.com/video/3htF-cZJxWU/w-d-xo.html
Thankyou so much for making these videos and for your deep understanding and non judgement around this issue.
I’ve received some acceptance and celebration of my decision from some and condemnation and the standard “but their family” reactions from others and I’m one of the lucky ones who made friends with people who were understanding and didn’t judge me, so I felt a bit more at liberty to share that status at least.
It’s a terrible situation and extremely painful for a long time in the process of cutting all contact, especially when it’s with your entire family, like I had to because both brothers chose to take sides with my parents who were unwilling to look at how their behaviours affected me no matter how much I developed my capacity ot communicate to them in non attacking language…it just pushed them further into denial and made interaction impossible
Leaving any abusive relationship is difficult and requires courage, and I would hope if you had to cut people in your family out that you were experiencing an actively abusive relationship with them
Family estrangement does not require courage
Learning how to set boundaries and enforce them like the adult, that you are rather than the child that you were takes courage
Taking the opportunity to be the adult when you realize that your parent never will be takes courage , and I make you a better person
Recognizing that sometimes a mother or father requires compassion as much as you do takes courage
Trying rather than hauling ass because your parents bother you takes courage
My struggle with my parents probably should’ve ended earlier than at 40 years old , but I thought that I owed it to myself to make sure I had done what I could. If they were actively abusive, and I realize that the world that they’ve lived and valued me to the point, that I was barely human to them. I had to go.
And so I had to cut them off to keep looking at myself in the mirror and to value myself.
All I want to do is address my daughters issues, and make more in depth apologies and clarifications and explanations, as I had always intended to do when she got older before all of this.
The fact that this has become an openly accepted solution to your parents texting you too much, or not respecting your meal choices, or whatever is absurd. Like I said, there’s no expectation that things aren’t going to runs perfectly for kids and if they don’t, it’s always going to be someone else’s fault.
Life is tough get a f’ing Helmet. Everyone resents their parents.
is just punishment , and in my opinion, a cheap shot to use your parents love for you to punish them. Generation X would’ve been horrified to use somebody’s authentic given live as a widely excepted tool of punishment against your parents.
Your parents don’t have all the answers either
It’s all a shit show, and if your parents are willing to try, let them because a lot of parents are assholes
If your mother and father love you, cutting them off, will mess you up as well as them
How much do you really remember from your childhood with a clear eye?
Is it possible that other things were going on that you weren’t aware of because of your age?
Does your mom or dad not deserve that benefit of the doubt before you write them off?
5 years ago it would have been considered inhumane
I thought that I had suffered the cruelties that life had to offer, including the death of my twin sister, and mother three months later from suicide.
Doesn’t even touch what it feels like to lose your daughter.
Walking away wasn't thought through on my part. It just happened as if I had never had a mother which is probably why it "just happened." I tried for years to have a relationship. She never showed reciprocal interest. I stopped trying and she continued not to care. There was not a relationship to end because one never existed. However, the damage is still there buried deep, growing and destroying.
Wow this describes my situation so well. I never thought as a kid that my mother would have no interest in my life or my children. She sort of tries every once in awhile but it’s just a card, she’s not interested in anything beyond that. My kids don’t remember anything about her. It’s like she never existed and she used to be the center of my world when I was little.
Wow you just made me glad I cut off a guy I see signs of ASPD in. He has no empathy, clueless about things that are emotionally related (I’m am not emotional, actually autistic) and I find it disturbing how unemotional he is. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want it for myself but mostly I imagined my children having him for a father and just could not do it. I’m not here for children that have to monitor their father’s emotions to gauge how to be and question me about it so I fled. This is reaffirming bc I know he wouldn’t have truly loved “our children.”
Yes! I ran away from home a few days before I turned 18, just went to a friends and then stopped back a few more times to pick up a few things and never went back. Never once did my mother try to reach out or call. When I was traveling, homeless, or even when I had a child. I never reached out again, and it's been that way for almost 15 years.
This comment hit hard. My situation is exactly the same. When you can’t identify a specific “thing” it makes it so difficult to navigate.
I can relate as well even when my ex boyfriend had strangled me and abused me she did not reach out asking how it was or when I had no place to go.
Thank you so much for this, Támara 💚I made the decision to estrange myself form my maternal family - mom, grandmother, twin sister - 3 years ago. There was nothing else left to but choose myself. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, as it is like grieving a 'living death'. I feel seen and heard watching your videos, and less alone.
You're welcome 🤗
You did a very hard thing. It's hard to separate from family you have always known. There is certainly a grieving process. But I'm so glad you are on the channel and benefiting.
it is like grieving a bunch of little deaths. But what is the alternative? Got to save yourself, get support and live on. Hugs for your journey.
Same here. It’s a rocky road at times but just to not have to exist in their energy is a gift
All the love❤❤❤❤your not alone in this
One day, I couldn't take it anymore. I just got in my car, went to library for mapquest directions, AND DROVE FAR, FAR AWAY. AND THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM !!!AND I AM FREE.
@@renaelynn6376 Wow! Happy for you. You are free 🕊️
Be free!!! Be you!!!❤🎉
It is hard leaving your especially when you are accountable for what you do they are not accountable at all
Good point! There has to be equal accountability if there is going to be any true healing.
This is so true!
Nice to know I'm not alone and not the only one. It's so hard to be estranged. There's a lot of stigma around it also. Also there is the "survivor guilt". A lot of survivors blame themselves and feel responsible. Sometimes you feel obligated to rescue family. So many internal pressures with a narc family and from society and with our human need to bond/attach.
Estrangement can be a blessing! It's the only way and I have no worries.
I have been missing the live, but I always watch. This lesson is fascinating! Thanks Tamara
You're welcome. And thank you Don!! Appreciate your support. Glad this was helpful.
My estranged Mother just passed away. I didn't go to the funeral. I called her in hospice when all she could do was hear me and I wished her peace and told her I never stopped loving her. She abused me in every way and all I needed was for her to respect my boundaries and take accountability for it all. I’m mourning the fact that the hope for a healthy relationship was gone when she died. The fact that I had to call her when I knew she couldn't hurt me by talking was super sad. I’m happy I said goodbye and I gave her peace. I'm so confused, I’m relieved, I feel regret for never having the relationship I wanted. I’m sad.
I see you!!🩵
I see you too.💚
About 20 years ago now, I decided to take a break from communicating with my family. I didn't announce it or anything. Just stopped communicating.
About two weeks later, my sister called, acting as Flying Monkey. Asking me what was wrong. She said everyone was getting along. She spoke almost as if nothing had ever happened, not even the recent blow-up between the two other family members, which prompted my temporary break.
I just politely said that no I didn't have a problem with anyone in the family. I was vague and reassuring. Because talking any other way in my family would be considered the height of rudeness. Apart from all the times when they are all not very polite.
At the time, I had no idea what Flying Monkeys were (apart from the ones in Wizard of Oz). And I had no idea what gaslighting was. Well, I didn't know the terms.
I decided shortly after that to make the break permanent. Or at least indefinite. Apart from attending the one funeral, about 9 years ago, I have not talked to any of them since that day.
At times I have felt a twinge of guilt about leaving behind the more 'reasonable' family members. This normally got washed away, when I imagined talking to any of them, and what the conversation would be like.
These days, having reflected, and worked on myself, done some research, tried a few different forms of therapy (and self-medicating), I feel more like I did what I had to do, and that if I had stuck around, they would have all sent me as Crazy as they were.
@@RHatcherMD I can see why your family might have been confused according to your story. The blow up didn’t involve you or your sister. So she’s thinking why cut off from me? You suggest though they don’t communicate healthy, and that may be a problem for sure, and your answer was to not communicate at all, and that’s healthy? Seems they are both unhealthy ways. If you did do for your own well being why not at least communicate with them one time? Something like for my own mental health I can’t be involved or around all this drama and everyone blowing up at each other. Idk 🤷🏻♀️ something that let them know why you shut the door. Maybe they didn’t deserve to know but it seems they were left guessing as to why and why not communicate healthy yourself since it what’s you would have wanted for yourself? Sounds like no one practiced healthy communication, not even you. You want to call them out on their bad behavior by shutting everyone out. I’m glad though it was a good decision for you because ultimately you were taking care of you.
Whew, you explained exactly what's happening to me right now. Had to limit contact with my non-empathetic mother and it's been hard. She oversteps my boundaries and acts all nice to me because she wants something and surprise surprise hurts me again. It's tough because I thought she was the "good" and "normal" parent (I'm estranged from my father as well) when in reality she never celebrated any of my successes, always quick to change the topic, and made me feel less than. But I need to do this because I'm worth it.
Great info!! If you can fly away, fly, dont walk, never look back. It feels so good cuz you're finally free.
Thank you so much for talking about the grief. I feel so validated when I watch your videos.
Yes, absolutely! You're welcome.
And I'm very glad you feel validated. One of the goals of my videos is to realistically validate you and ensure that you are getting correct and therapeutic knowledge.
I’m starting a new life without any family. My kids have been abusive for years, thanks to their dad, who has a personality disorder.
When I was 19 I walked away from narcissistic parents. It is inter generational but it isn’t any easier to ease the pain. How do horrible people blackmail others into poisonous relationships as opposed to walking away.
I know I will never see my kids again because I told them the truth. We divorced because he is an alcoholic psychopath. My consolation will be when they have to see it once they have to take care of him.
Estrangement is the worst but if you admit that basically you don’t fit with these folks and you’re walking away because there’s nothing that will change it.
Dude walking away from siblings and parents is understandable. But you brought kids into this world. No no no no. They did not ask for this.
That's why Christ said. " There will come a time when you say blessed are the wombs that never have birth, blessed are the sacks that never gave birth"
He saw through the nonsense of parenting.
You are AMAZING and have helped me SO much as I binge watch your videos. I want to thank you personally because a lot of us cannot afford therapy but by you doing these videos you help us understand and teach us ways to cope. You are a blessing and an excellent therapist. If I was in PA I’d make it a point to seek care with you. Blessed are your patients. I can tell you love what you do.
Very helpful. While most people think it’s bad to dump family, you encourage get out of bad relationships. Understand what’s healthy thx
I have no bond with my family whatsoever. When my dad died no one in my family told me and attended his funeral. I lived 4 miles from his house and one of my sisters shrugged and said nobody knew where I lived? Im very angry at my family. Then I had a niece I was very close to and we had a huge falling out. She actually blamed me for the problems in her marriage. We went no contact for over 20 years. The only reason we started talking was because my dad was in the hospital and we ran into each other. Same niece has paranoia over covid and spent the week lying to me to prevent me from visiting her. She didn't want me around because she wanted to visit her newborn grandson on new years eve "without wearing a mask" as she put it and told me to order some olive garden and I wasn't allowed to be around her. The kicker is she knows I have nobody and live out of my car. She knew I would be alone sitting at a truck stop and she was fine with that. Then texted me happy new year at 2am. Also too she basically doesn't respond to my texts up to that point and some of my texts were funny stuff I would share. She wouldn't respond. Or 3 days later she would say for some reason she's just now seeing my text. She's so bad at this that Im basically done communicating with her. I want to see how long it will take before she responds. I just really don't want anymore to do with my family. I was always part of their life but they were never part of mine.
Yes. Something definitely wrong with the family Dynamic
It's not always easy to spot and that's the sad part about this. But...sounds like you see it. That's good.
In-laws. Ugh. Emotionally distancing is all I can do since I have to see them every so often. I will say that I made up an excuse to get out of seeing them this past weekend and I was SO happy to be left alone to clean my house for several hours. Bliss! Who knew house cleaning could be so rewarding!
I used to volunteer to work holidays to avoid the inlaws. Any holiday.
There was a lot of abuse covered up. And my older sister although I love her she never really had my back. I realized I can never be honest with here or talk about those things because thats when she gets angry and starts telling me to move on already. We have had this very distant relationship for a long time.
Same here
Thank you for this info . I am 75, and have this problem with two of my four daughters .
I would ask any adult daughter or son if they wish not to see a parent again. That they tell them what's happening. Even if it's only a letter or a text.
It's the worse thing to lose a child . But to lose a child of 34 suddenly with no warning and no way of finding out why is torture. The worry alone ,not knowing if he was alright destroyed me. All i wanted for years was just a text to tell me he was alright.
It has had a very bad affect on me. I think about him every day.
I say this to help save any parent from the agony i have gone through.
This is so true!! This happened to us also and on researching their are thousands of parents that are shattered with no real idea of what was wrong. No family is perfect but we tried to have a happy healthy family and thought we had achieved that. We are so grief stricken and confused.
Sorry to hear this, it sounds painful. I my case, (the adult child who is estranged from her mum). That explanation or reasoning for why the cut off is happening seems like yet another opportunity (in my case) to be hurt, dismissed, ignored yet again. I imagine for many people we have already lived with parents who lack empathy and understanding so writing a letter or explaining our actions is giving an opportunity to the ones who hurt us to open up a wound we are trying to close. Not saying this is you but I've had convoys with many in the same situation and what a parent may see as ‘closure’ the child may see as ‘re-traumatising’. The ONLY way I would probably explain anything is if my mother showed genuine interest, empathy and emotion to understand what my experience is. But through fear, pride and a sense of entitlement I feel it will never happen. In 36 years she's never asked or wondered about my life/experience.
I am a senior female, now, put on disability after two crimes.....and we have nowhere safe to live. Nowhere. I have been traveling around the u.s. now for ten years, staying at hostels. No family as I was the oldest of four, and not a good relationship with family....not supportive. So I went away.....and I am so tired, so tired of it all. I just can't go on, anymore.
May GOD be your strength to carry on!
100% and we are all likely experiencing our own aspects of many of the situations you are discussing.
Thank you. You just described my mom, aunt, and grandmother.
You're welcome. And I'm sorry. Never easy to manage. 😔
I feel conflicted because my dad did this to everyone who didn't agree with what he believed . So as a child, we had relationships severed and I was taught if someone makes me feel mad or irritated that I should cut them out. It actually was a weapon for thinking the one cutting people out is in the "right". #1, telling people in your life if they don't perform as u wish, they are threatened to be removed at will. #2 not every perception is reality. There is no information here on identifying avoidance behavior response or discomfort of being vulnerable by communicating on both sides whether in therapy or personal to resolve individual needs working together. #3 cutting off just leaves complete unresolved issues which trickles into other future relationships #4 grandiose delusion of self ...you are the only one who's problems are important. I don't see how running away has ever been the answer UNLESS it's actual abuse. Not the drama language used Today such as abused, assaulted, oppressed. The definitions have been Skewed and misused to express trendy narratives. Separation, loneliness. Abandonment. How is this helpful longterm generation after generation as healthy family therapy? I'm halfway through the video and im Hoping some positive suggestions via therapy show up rather than teaching people to run from their problems. My dad died not speaking to his twin brother. My husband cut off his mother AND father at Separate times only to allow them back in if they behaved the way HIS narcissist brain thought they should (which they did walking on eggshells). Now third generation LEARNED behavior of estrangement is happening. It does not seem like therapists have the right advice except to encourage people to be MORE self centered, "my needs, my wants, me me me me" (2 year old) mentality rather than learning conflict resolution, joint therapy, communication skills, and AT LAST ABSOLUTE LAST resort...separation. it's so unbelievably SAD how these therapists today just talk about it without an emotional attachment which discusses loss on both sides. Heartbreaking.!!! We are a doomed society.
Hi Lisa, please do a video and say all you just said here because it is wrong to blame the mother of everything that is not going well in the daughter's life. Nobody cares to hear the other side. It hurts when they blame you for everything.
Great points. There are two sides to this.
Umm no it should not be the last last. It should come in after you have tried at least talking, and setting boundaries. If those are violated twice. Then it’s time to cut ties. Last last implies after long year’s suffering which you most likely end up very damaged when you could have walked away earlier. Family or not TOXIC IS TOXIC!
Conflict resolution or joint therapy supposes both parties want to work on issues. This is rarely the case when one is considering estrangement.
With some very high conflict people, it's "my way or the highway". After years of putting up with this, the highway starts looking good! 😅
❤❤❤ thank you 🙏🙏 so much. I am 40 years old this is the first time in my life after cutting everyone off from my narcissist relatives. I have peace, balance, harmony, financial relief.This explains what I'm going through.. This usually makes their stalking more intense by any means. My health has and is improving because I walked away this time with no contact period. Best choice I ever made.
I sometimes worry, am I the one that’s causing the estrangement or are they?? 😖
This is a good question/point. Sometimes it is both parties, while in some situations it is one-sided. It's hard to determine what is going on in the dynamic. I'll try to mention this Friday during my live chat.
Same! I think “there are 4 of them and 1 of me…..it MUST be me. How can it be all of them?” But then I realize they all live in the same town and I’m 4 hours away so……they all talk and see eachother a lot and I’m the black sheep. So, yes, it IS them. But they do make me question my sanity at times.
Same here but for me its unhealthy to be expected to tolerate unhealthy behavior and judgements by them but they cant tolerate who I am as a person. Ive tried to blend and fit the molds but they always find a fault. So if you have to be estranged, its your choice but most people on these platforms say they wish they had done it sooner, started the healing process sooner etc including myself by 10 years.
I had many discussions with co workers and friends and my one sister etc and reading books and watching videos and thinking real hard if it was me after going NC then LC with two family members. But when I think about what my one sis does to me like place my gifts next to the litterbox on the floor , have her friends come over to say “ yeah I heard a lot about you with a nasty smirk on their face , when my sis was pregnant I asked her if I could throw her a baby shower she says “ why? Who is coming and why would you want to do that ? Look at my new condo all judgmental bc it’s small ( and she did not have one nice thing to say about it ), her own daughter went NC on her for a year and she has a friend ( now ex friend ) who told her she was a very judgmental person and she no longer wanted to be her friend. Her step son told me he did not like her and the list goes on …. I can clearly see it’s not me. When I think of the 1 million things my mom did to me I can clearly see it’s not me.
When you say ignore texts, emails and such, do you mean block them? As in literally block them on your communication devices or just ignore as in do not respond? Thank you
Thank you for this necessary topic.
yes! you're welcome. I agree. It isn't talked about enough.
I grewup w estrangement. I was estranged from my dad at 3( mu mother used me as a pawn to get bk at my dad/ his family). I found my dad at 17 after being kicked out at 16 by my mother( she married 3x w 4 kids by three guys). She did not speak to or check on Mr for two yrs while laying beside her 3rd husband in a warm house while I was homeless. I am in my 50s but I suffer OCD , Anxiety/ panic/ fibro/ high bp etc. It really affects every aspect of your life
This might make no sense but I'm saying it anyway. I am JEALOUS of adult children who have critical parents. My mom cares so little she isn't critical - criticism means someone cares. She has no expectations. It's just nothingness. I wish I had a critical parent with high expectations. Better than a non caring abusive jerk who WANTS YOU TO FAIL. Wants to one up you. Gets pissed if you do well! I got a bachelor's degree, she got a PHD. She already had a masters. She didn't even use it, it was solely to one up me. And it was SO HARD to get it, I had a child during my education and an abuser was in my life. No graduation party, was all about HER. I'm sick of it, I can NEVER WIN. Always one down, always the loser. Aquires flying monkeys immediately, so she gets her word out first and it's ALL LIES. Then I'm on defense. I give up - on myself AND her. Everything. I have 5 kids and small business and I want to just get rid of everything. The emptiness is absurd from all of the neglect.
No, this make A LOT of sense. I understand what you mean. One of my clients is feeling this same way and looks for her father to show some disapproval or approval. Just having a response is enough for her -- good or bad.
It sounds like you understand the dynamic here. I'm just sorry you have had to deal with this.
Notification on! ✔️
My mother died, I think she is in hell. I feel sad for her. She never made peace, was angry and full of hate for me and a lot of other family members too. May god have mercy on her soul.
Great Video
Thank you! Glad this is helpful.
Actually, nothing is said, but a day becomes a week, becomes a month, a year, then decades go by. The phone works 2 ways. They never reach out for us and instead use us for gossip bonding. It's not planned but just allowed, reinforcing the fact we're not important to them anyway.
Since my early 20s I been growing apart from my entire family tree. I grew up in a chaotic, violent environment. I have very homophobic family members. As the L of lgbtq community the only way that I will be able to live life in my on my own terms. I have family members that are mean, rude, emotionally unavailable and impatient.
This has brought me a strong sense of freedom and happiness.
Ditto from the O.G.G. perspective
amazing knowledge thank you
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome and thank you!
After three years, I am often surprised when the thought of her crosses my mind. Then I laugh, because the estrangement I wished for has become reality. Sadly, this is my MOMster.
Thank so much for this information.
You are welcome!
Such a wonderful video - thank you so much ❤
You are so welcome!🤗 I'm glad this was helpful.
thank you for talking about this.
You're welcome! I'm glad this was helpful to you.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
I had this and it continues to happen I gave up! I just hide in my room because it’s easier! I try talking and then feel ganged up on! And we ha been going through grief after losing my Dad and my therapist says we all are going through grief but I seem to be the last going through it and when I walked away before I felt good! I met my husband shortly after I came back and I hit the brakes on him meeting them because I was scared of them doing what they do to me! I more positive and upbeat normally but here lately being around them brings out more negative behaviors and they even have tried to blame my words I say to them on him like did you talk to him today? Like seriously I can’t even believe that I am hearing these things because I love them all they are supposed to be my family and I get that people change but surely they all did morph right? But maybe I changed how I redo see them and even though I love them I don’t have to accept the behavior and hurtful words! I actually started to believe the narrative that they formed and it isn’t true they don’t know him that well! They have not lived our life and it hurts! I feel estranged from all of them r now and I have been in therapy for 3 months and I spoke to a professional who specializes in family dynamics and she agreed that it might be better for my mental health to step away because it seems to be affecting me in a very negative manner and I jut want to heal and deal with them one on one rather then feel like I am being tag teamed in their verbal assault! I actually have been praying about this for weeks now and I have a peaceful mindset on doing things that are going to help me! I have a hard time expressing myself at times because they argue with me and say I’m not the same person but I know I am not! I am older and wiser and less tolerant of people who don’t want the best for me! Not them and what benefits them! Control seems to be the dynamic! I just want to make memories and we can’t even do that anymore! It’s sad! Boundaries are important for everyone! Pray I stay strong! ❤
Why is it always the child walking away from their parent(s)? Most of what I find on the Internet is about this issue. What if the reverse is true - the parent who doesn't want to be hurt by their adult child anymore?
It's a cultural phenomenon among millions of people. I don't even take it seriois at this point. For some people, it's legit. However, most people are just following the crowd. It gets a lot of psychologists and therapists paid big time though.
Thanks for that information. So, that applies to anyone in the family? Parents feel sometimes that they might need to cut off someone of sadly own children. What do you say? Thanks
This is great, thank you very much
You're very welcome! And thank you.
Hi Ms Hill I am an MD and many of us due to heavy work load have estranged kids. Do you primarily council estranged adults?
Yes
What about telling the person you're walking away from why you are going no contact? I have personal knowledge of how damaging and long term suffering is caused by someone just going no contact. The ruminating is so awful. It causes severe anxiety ND low self esteem issues. If you're going to make the extreme act of estranging from a sibling or whoever isn't it best to at least tell the person why? Especially if the one being left has mental health issues.
I think there is a difference between "the silent treatment" and going no contact.
I've gone no contact with my Father after decades of abuse with no remorse. To continue seeing him would be to make myself an emotional punching bag for him. He had made it clear he doesn't give a damn about me, or anyone else. The guy's a total sociopath. After going no contact, I found out he sexually abused my brother. This total piece of you-know-what deserves nothing, no explanation, nothing, nada.
I totally agree with giving the target person a reason for the estrangement. The possible negative effect on the target can be devastating. Unless you’re driven by sadism I don’t think most people or even therapist who advise to cut off family realize the detrimental mental health affect. I do agree if severe abuse has taken place then that’s a different case. Great subject.
I wrote my mom 5 letters to explain CLEARLy why I had to go No Contact.
She still didnt get it and responded with.. "I was a very good mother.'
She is 90. I am 62.
I’ve been estranged from my family for 15 years. 8 months ago my mom died and a week ago my grandmother died. I went to both funerals and my family ignored me as if I did something wrong to them. They are the ones who discarded me because they wouldn’t accept my girlfriend because they just didn’t like her. Meanwhile, she helped me move up in life and I’ve had a better life ever since I met her. I think they are jealous of me. My uncles left me out of my grandmothers obituary and the day before she died they had my grandmother’s will changed and cut me out of it. I was in the original will. I was gonna try and contest it but it’s probably not worth all the pain. I know my grandmother still loved me despite the fact that our relationship was broken. I just have to move on and try to find peace. I often blame myself for the estrangement but then I pinch myself and tell myself that it wasn’t me, it was them.
Would love therapy session. How can I connect with you?
Feel free to email me at the email in the description below!
The trauma of being helpless to protect your children…. diagnosed with ptsd severe…. Domestic violence, financial abuse betrayal …. Fear along with fight or flight leaves you in a place you don’t wanna be! Domestic violence shelters do not exist! You will be thrown into the homeless population and navigating through is just more trauma. I used to think I was smart enough to plan for emergency situations etc; but sadly the abusers are always 3 steps ahead knocking out everything you’ll reach for
But at what point do we learn to forgive and make room for all parties affected to heal together?
There are some excellent therapists that can help with the healing on both parts, because they know details on both parts. Good luck👍
When everyone who committed abuse is willing to own it, apologize, and do better. But even then, there can be times when the damage is too severe and you just have to choose your own sanity and walk. Sometimes you do so much harm to another person that you can never get them back and it's something you have to accept.
I’m 45
Haven’t seen mothers face in 9 years: haven’t seen fathers in about 3.
Blocked on father’s phone- no contact at all for almost 1 year after 20 years of Rocky roads.
Haven’t seen sibleings in about 5 years or better. No contact as well-
Haven’t heard a word from anyone except mom’s ex husband since the birth of my two kids. 5 and 2
My father met my oldest when she was 1. Obviously they don’t remember him.
They’ve never seen my mother or my siblings.
Violent, abusive pack of criminals they are: I chose to stop ✋ the cycle of violence and emotional damage.
Sexual and physical abuse was some of the reasons:
I hoped everyone finds peace
12 AM?
I fixed it!! Thank you. It should have been 2:30pm est
I walked away
Sometimes that's all there is. That's the sad reality.
i would love to sit and talk to you
Walking away should be a last resort.
I've recently been emotionally abused, incredibly and shockingly, through experiencing estrangement from my adult child. And I'd have to say my situation is more so because of the unhealthy third party in her life.
Much of this is caused by the vast populus of young people who are now today's adults, who as children were alienated from the other parent and their families in divorce.
And that influence exists in an antisocial climate impacting the societal norm, causing estrangements. That should be seriously considered in a peer reviewed way. And then focused on healing them and making them more resilient instead of harming everyone.
And it's easily a frivolous solution today in epidemic proportions!
And though the parents, especially the mother/grandmothers, bare most of the devastation, these kids also do, especially daughters. Who are also ignoring a lot of pain that this dynamic is causing them.
.. Not able to share life's changes, new children, successes, etc.
I grew up as a major scapegoat in my house. Psychologists would have definitely advised me to alienate!
I'm glad I didn't. But i also regret not healing.
And i really don't think alienating them would have accomplished it.
Because I know even in estrangement, I still would have been competing for self affirmation in my head.
The best advice i could have received would have been to understand the normalcy of my life instead of always reaching out into making unhealthy decisions in order to be seen as acceptable.
And, i would have regretted not being able to share my life with my mom.
I just accepted her for who she was instead of expecting her to be something or someone else thati decided for her.
.. Which is crazy unhealthy to do!
Me and my personal family and I would have done better, and I would have made more realistic decisions if i had healed while staying in contact.
Now, at almost 60, i lost my mom this year. Now i see things more clearly. My lack of health was because I didn't understand the unrealistic vs, just resting in the enjoyment of the realistic.
Estrangement would NOT have fixed that anyway. And it would only have caused ridiculous heart-wrenching devastation to myself and my mom.
And that regret would have caught up to me eventually anyway.
.. Wasted years hurt!
.. Remaining the scapegoat also hurt!
The answer would have been to not let myself be the scapegoat in myself. Regardless of how others behaved towards me.
I needed to stop seeking more in the unrealistic. And it really has nothing to do with needing them to change.
🙏🏾💞🌹
Your damned if you do and your damned if you don't. The hardest thing I ever done was walking away from the relationship with my son. He used to be a kind and loving son. But slowly he grew colder and colder to me. In the end totally shooting me down as a mother. I couldn't take it anymore.. But living with out him hurts very bad too. 😢😢
⭐️Be Beacons of True Love 💞
I like that! Yes. Good point.
I am single mom I have raised my son all by myself, he is 24 years old now , he was great till 18 ,
I wish I could explain in 10 sentences about how he behaves!
He dropped out of university and doesn’t work , he is depressed and paranoid and I have taken him to therapy and was given meds , but he has trust issues and he thinks Doctors are trying to kill him , he is extremely abusive with me and has no trust , I can’t please him if I took him to the moon and back , he blames me for everything and never gives me a ligit explanation, makes no sense and has no logic, he is at home 24hours a day , it’s very frustrating for me . Please help me what can I do ?
He is extremely dirty at home never cleans and he won’t allow me to clean , as he says don’t touch my shit “
Sometimes I wish I dyed so I don’t have to see this cause I can’t take it anymore 😢
So lost.
I heard someone said I am not responsible for my parents that choose to raise me” There’s something wrong with this generation, never in history a generation has been soo lucky, no wars, not hungry, wealth, good education available and jet they all feel that they were abused as a child.
When I was little many times we had not food on our plate, and I never felt abused or a victim.
I womder how many npd parents convince their children that the other parent has npd. Darvo.
You're beautiful and smart you look like you did really well in school and college. I envy you if you did.
Adult children are very hard to today they are so disrespectful and they want want want not getting that from me
Yes! Mine only call or text when they need something. Smh
You seem to be talking about adult children that walk away from their family. Please stop this!! I am the mother!! I have never stopped trying to reconcile with my daughter who has been estranged for 4 years for which my husband and I and her two brothers and extended family cannot understand. The clinical phycologist which we managed to get her to one or two times and her answer to what was the main problem was and the answer is "I can't put my finger on it". We are all nearly grieved to death!! Please consider the thousands of parents who loved their children unconditionally, gave them a great childhood but cannot reconcile. Do some more research on that before posting another podcast!!
I can definitely empathize with you and I'm so sorry this has been a painful journey for you. Just from your comment alone I can see that your trajectory is that of pain and defensiveness as well as uncertainty and frustration. It's a very challenging system and having worked in it with parents and families for 15 years, I can definitely see the need for reconciliation in some families.
Keep in mind that not every video you come across on TH-cam is for you and neither is the topic choice. This video just happens to not meet you where you're at but it may meet the millions of other people who are struggling with family and parents that are abusive, unhealthy, and emotionally harmful.
Searching for a video that is for you would be more helpful.
We, as a society, have to learn to balance the reality that both challenges (situations like yours and cases like the ones I discuss in this video) can coexist. We can't favor one side of this topic and not the other!
If I stopped talking about this side of things, only your side would be supported and that's not fair.
But again, I do empathize with you and I hope you are able to find peace of mind along the way.
This is a very heavy, one sided point of view. In many cases of estrangement there is no physical, sexual abuse or any abuse. Cutting someone off seems so extreme when in many cases conflict can be resolved with two adults who can communicate in a healthy respectful manner.
That sounds gkod but if youve made attemlt after attempt and the person still doesnt hear or validate you
..its healthier to leave.