I’m mind blown! Yes, it means safety for me to be perfect and to control perceptions of me. I go into fight or flight response if I see I’ve made a mistake and “blow my cover”. I got hit a lot as a kid and criticized all the time. So this one is big for me. Thank you!
I'm loving all the FA content that you're doing lately, thank you so much! I struggle with perfectionism almost in every aspect of my life, especially in the one where it hurts the most which is my art. Thank you so much for all the help you are providing to people that want to heal and recover from the past. Cannot wait to sign up for your course :).
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you so much for your kind words! I also wish you healing and deep recovery. Oh, that sounds great, good for you! I will also check it out asap :)
Same here! My art is never finished and it agonizes me. It sometimes feels physically painful...Then, my missed deadlines for my commissions translate over into shame/guilt :(
Understanding where the perfectionism comes from specifically for fearful avoidants and their core wounds around security really really helps thank you so much
the part about trying to control the external world as means to create an internal feeling to keep as safe.that is so me as fa which led to big trigger that made feel that i was out of control thank you for this wow
@Personal Development School Thais, these recent FA videos are helping me so much. I've been a member of the school for a while and am so grateful for this. Thank you
Don't worry about not making these videos 19 years long, I'm sure most of us would be delighted about that 🙈❤️ But in general, thank you so much for your work Thais 💐🌸
Thank you Thais. I was physically and emotionally abused as a teenager from my stepmother. I struggled daily feeling unsure of my safety. Some of the things I often got in trouble of was not doing a chore to my stepmother’s perfection. I learned my safety depended on being “perfect” and even then I would do things to the best of my ability I get in trouble for things I didn’t even do (stuff her daughters did). One time she emptied every dish in the kitchen because she found a dish not cleaned probably. I have had to work on undoing the perfectionist critic within me. I am so different in the way I raise my daughter then the way I was raised.
Me too. I have C-PTSD and still struggle everyday even after years and years of intensive therapy. One of those people that have had a life target for abusive and toxic relationships with men. Always searching for a mom and I am 52. I feel like I have an irreparable hole. Medication resistant depression. I never feel safe.
My father was like this & projected this onto me. Dispite my efforts to perfect myself/ tasks, I gave up on it a long time ago, however I have been in a work environment for 18 yrs where even in receiving training on a task, if I error, it is made into a federal case, & to be honest it angers me alot. In my last relationship my ex who is a DA use to always say that I was "perfect" in a seemingly complimentary way which always made me feel sad & uncomfortable because I did my best to be vulnerable, open & honest- you know, show up. It is truely a conundrum.
This is me exactly, got into perfectionism so as to be considered the perfect child as opposed to my siblings as a coping mechanism which sipped into school work and being a bright kid this perharps made it worse I beat myself up for failing and now even at work I have these same tendencies to expect perfectionism from myself and I get angry and frustrated when I don't. I'm grateful for these videos as they're aiding me in reprogramming myself and understanding my perfectionism was tied to my need for safety
Well I took the quiz again and I am Fearful Avoidant equally to secure attachment style... Therefore, this work has changed me to equally secure!!!🙏🏻♥️😃🥰
this blew my mind, I've always struggled hard with perfectionism and did go through childhood trauma and to have it laid out that perfectionism is the coping mechanism woah. That's so accurate
When it comes to looks I don’t care that much but when it came to school I was very perfectionist over. I didn’t think it was ok to ask for help, and that if I worked in a group it made me weak so I tried to do everything myself. It wasn’t until I met this boy in college that I learned it’s ok to ask for help and lean on people. I really loved that boy he made such an impact in my life. I think during that time I was getting a lot more secure, though somethings happened with new friends that started to bring it out again.
damn. knew i was fearful avoidant but hadn't thought about the fact that it mostly has to do with my older brother hitting me and feeling like my mom never believed me/took my seriously. and i am probably to hyper vigilant because sometimes my brother would be in a good mood and there wouldn't be any worry.. i remember i would always write myself notes after he would get in a fight with me that said "Addie, NEVER forgive charlie. stop doing nice things for him and trying to get him to like you. it only ever ends in your getting hurt" the number of times ive witten that note, I couldn't even tell you. been a people pleaser and an accepter of the breadcrumbs for as long as i can remember.
freaky. I used to write to myself the same way. To the point where I only recently realised that I'd really like to be a mom. A new friend asked "Did you always want to be a mom?" I said "No way. I never thought I'd have children." "Oh really, why?" It took me a while to remember that when I was a kid I'd write to myself never to have kids because I was so angry at my family that I wanted my bloodline to end. It's crazy how anger can make you hurt yourself.
How could you not get value out of PDS content? Seriously haha it’s life changing and Thais is such a force for positive change and empowerment🙏🏼 😊 thank you!
This makes so much sense. My husband gets so confused why I get nervous if I fee I haven’t done something right. Like he’ll come home and dinner might not be ready and I will be like are you mad at me? And he’s like why the hell would I be mad that you? I appreciate that you even are making dinner. But I will still have that response every time and think I’m a terrible wife and person if I fail.
Do you think the FA struggles with OCD more than other attachment styles? The way you described how FA's are usually perfectionists sounds like OCD is also a common comorbidity.
@Personal Development School (long time member) your videos are so amazing. Thank you so much for everything. I am so 🙏. Very accurate for me. It feels so hopeful just putting words to something that has haunted me for years..
Happy you are gaining this awareness. Your patterns and behaviors are a result of adaptations to trauma! This is not who you are at your core. When you do the inner work you can clear the things that no longer serve you and you will let your true self shine - PDS team member
Absolutely me...I’m working to change the “don’t f it up” that is so unhealthy and working to adult myself...I’m working my way through the false stories I’d created due to this.
For me perfectionism comes from the not acceptance of who I am from my family, so I just thought many parts of me where bad or unacceptable or not lovable, or they were like: you shouldn’t be doing this in this way, do it in that way.. or yelled at.. so I got scared of making a small mistake or not being “perfect”, doing everything right because for the small things I was judged criticized and insulted.. After they stopped I just kept going retraumatizing myself trying to have everything “right”, “perfect”.. I will have to work on this.. I remember I wasn’t this way.. so yes.. Also perfectionism is reading between the lines of what may happen
Releasing heavy sigh as I listen to this. Needed this message down to my core today. xD Thank you, Thais. ❤️🌻 I really appreciate you explaining these core concepts - especially this v important one. Really forced me to pause, hear myself, and appreciate my experience. Can get burnt out so easily during this stressful/scary time. It’s pulling up lots of old wounds & damaging habits (i.e., hyper-vigilance, self-isolating, controlling/masking, etc.) in me that I’ve been struggling to reprogram. I would really love a part 2 to this.
Thanks for this content, it's helping a lot. I struggle so much with self-blaming, I even blame myself for things such as 'so this afternoon with my boyfriend hasn't been the greatest, as the other ones were. That must be my fault somehow' and it's the most exhausting thing in the world. I can really feel the subconscious alarms when I allow myself to be vulnerable or not acting the certain way which I think is the best version of myself. Everytime I let down my mask I feel anxiety. And I think that's good. Because as you said, what do I have to fear, if I try to control other's perception of me I'm doing it because I don't think I'm lovable enough, or that I'm enough, and that's something I've struggled with all my life. I will start to be vulnerable, at my own pace. Thanks for everything. I wish I had time to take your course and hear more about this, but until the end of exams, i don't think so.
This channel have helped me so much, I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago and I thought it was something that couldn’t be fix and I decided to give it a try to this. I study psychology and I was like “let me try with this” and I found your channel, I was able to know more about me and everything I watch a video and FA it’s like if you are describing me, I ended up finding out my now ex is an Dismissive Avoidant and I’m trying to understand us more just in case. I don’t think he will come back but I want to learn more for my future relationships.
Thais-- you are such a blessing. This content applies to me so spot on and I've been struggling with this so much. Its so exhausting and robbing the joy I experience from activities/passion projects that should be fun.
Really wish I could afford the whole pds courses, I've been getting alot of value out of these TH-cam videos started watching about 3 weeks ago and everyday i feel hopeful that change is happening within me
Long before I knew about attachment theory, I had recognized that I had some issues around perfectionism and went hard in the other direction - more of a who cares approach, which I thought would help, but it was only a reinforcement of the all or nothing type thinking. Either putting everything into being perfect or putting no effort into anything. I completely missed any sort of a middle ground or the concept of putting in effort and accepting that it may not be perfect or that the imperfection isn't a reflection of who I am as a person.
You're really a blessing. Thank you so much for the good work that your doing. Such INSIGHTFUL and life-changing information you make available to us ♥️🙏 sending Light & Love (to all)
When I was in High School specifically BOCES because I was doing film at the time, I wanted to make one project perfect as possible because my group had no idea how to get started and I was supposed to just edit clips that were taken, however, the deadline for this project was literally that Friday and I really didn't want to get a bad grade. Unfortunately, I took control/over, and the girls I had grouped up with went and told the teacher, and well I got in trouble and had to apologize. I honestly felt a lot of things, I felt ashamed, upset, frustrated, and stressed out...all because I didn't want to get a bad grade. It didn't help that at home I had a sister who says what was on her mind and was a dictator and parents who I felt didn't acknowledge what I did at school or projects I brought home. Because it felt like my siblings were being acknowledged for some if not all of the things they did while I was the sibling who was just there. I was constantly walking on eggshells and whenever we would clean the house I would also take over cleaning, for instance, the bathroom even though my little brother was supposed to be helping me. (I can honestly think of more times I felt the need to be in control or perfect and felt that I shouldn't ask for help. I have my reasons for why I didn't want to get help and one of the sad reasons were being shy and the other reason was not being able to trust people and probably because of this I always felt that I was in trouble when someone wanted to see me even though I did nothing wrong.)
It really depends on the relationship and WHY the person ended it. I know for me (being an FA myself), the times that I ended the relationship was usually out of issues that were going on with me and not feeling good enough or present enough to be in the relationship. I tended to feel a lot of pressure about what I wasn’t doing right, how I wasn’t showing up and became really fearful that I wasn’t good enough or that the person may leave me because I wasn’t all they wanted me to be. Unfortunately it took me to watch these videos to realise this was more to do with deep rooted insecurity and significant attachment issues than the relationship itself. I always came back but there was a lot of damage done that ultimately affected our relationship overall. I was with a DA though which fed into my thoughts of not being safe or secure untop of it all.
Hello! Loving PDS. Quick one - There"s a tab "my courses" and each time I click, the courses are jumbled up so I usually type in the search box for the course I am looking for. With the new courses, where do we find them?
The monthly memberships yes. There are also lots of helpful tools and resources in the members lounge and you also have access to the live webinars where you can ask specific questions to Thais.
Can you do a video on all the attachment styles and having bipolar and/or personality disorders. I’ve been kind of doing my own research on it, but I’d love to hear you speak on these. Does having a mental health issue change the attachment style etc. Thanks!
No, but it’s a good question. borderline is a personality disorder that’s pervasive across time. Attachment styles are more specific: how we relate in close relationships. They could both be present in someone or just one could. It may be that people with borderline personality disorder are more likely to have a fearful avoidant attachment style but the reverse may not be true, because personality disorders are rarer in the population.
“ ..... downtime is considered wasted time.” Ok seriously I am more convinced that either I’m starring in The Truman Show sequel or my brain has been wire taped since birth. 🤯 My FA brain: “ How does she know all this about me 🤔 ....She literally just said exactly what I have thought or done at some point 😧.... Is she talking to me? 🤭....Is my video on or something, can she see me? 🧐....ok really how the 🤬 does she know this .... yup she is for sure is talking about me! 😧.... there officially has been a breech, 😱 I am exposed! 👀.... I need to retreat, 🏃🏼♀️and hide immediately 🙈 even though I’m sitting alone in my car... 😳...in my driveway! .... you mean to tell me that I’m not special with my psychic-like mind reading talent, or my GoGo Gadget like abilities in staying steps ahead? 🥺 ....damn it Thais, stop giving away the recipes to my secret sauce..... at least until I am confident in using your ingredients! 😜 Really though... thank you, this is life changing stuff. It is very much needed and very much appreciated, more than I can express in words.
Can you advise on how to talk to an FA about the relationship. Two days ago I said to my FA bf in a very calm neutral way "I noticed that you're developing a habit of talking over me..." Eventually he replied "Fine. I just won't talk anymore." He has basically shut down on me since. I don't know how to talk to him where he can listen to what I'm saying. FAs in the chat, can you explain this to me?
He might have taken it as judgement or criticism. On a bad day I would take it as a bit snarky and passive-agressive, regardless of the tone. Are you familiar with nonviolent communication (method created by Marshall Rosenberg)? I find it very helpful in formuating thoughts so that they do not seem hurtful to others. Following the rules of this method you would say something like "I feel sad/a bit annoyed because I have a need to be heard/share my thoughts with you. Could you wait until I finish before you respond to what I'm saying?" I'm an FA and this type of communication works wonders for me. However my DA partner can hear criticism even in these type of statements. I recommed giving it a try and checking if your parner becomes more responsive.
Do grade school teachers also count as scary adults that can create FA tendencies? My parents were more negligent than scary, but it seemed that many of my grade school teachers would lose their tempers in front of the class or give out an unfair punishment. Sometimes being perfect wasn’t enough to avoid missing recess.
I always feel safe when I hear Thais saying “Here’s what to do..” Like phew, there’s a solution!
I watch her videos a lot when I'm overwhelmed and I feel like I'll be okay because Thais is here for me
2:45 is the most succinct, clear definition of "trauma" I have ever heard.
I’m mind blown! Yes, it means safety for me to be perfect and to control perceptions of me. I go into fight or flight response if I see I’ve made a mistake and “blow my cover”. I got hit a lot as a kid and criticized all the time. So this one is big for me. Thank you!
I'm loving all the FA content that you're doing lately, thank you so much! I struggle with perfectionism almost in every aspect of my life, especially in the one where it hurts the most which is my art. Thank you so much for all the help you are providing to people that want to heal and recover from the past. Cannot wait to sign up for your course :).
So happy you are investing in doing the work on healing yourself. Look forward to seeing you in the school! PDS team member
@@Alphacentauri819 thank you so much for your kind words! I also wish you healing and deep recovery. Oh, that sounds great, good for you! I will also check it out asap :)
Same here! My art is never finished and it agonizes me. It sometimes feels physically painful...Then, my missed deadlines for my commissions translate over into shame/guilt :(
Understanding where the perfectionism comes from specifically for fearful avoidants and their core wounds around security really really helps thank you so much
the part about trying to control the external world as means to create an internal feeling to keep as safe.that is so me as fa which led to big trigger that made feel that i was out of control thank you for this wow
@Personal Development School Thais, these recent FA videos are helping me so much. I've been a member of the school for a while and am so grateful for this. Thank you
They happy they are helping you and thank you for your support of PDS. Really makes us happy to hear we are making a difference - PDS team member
Don't worry about not making these videos 19 years long, I'm sure most of us would be delighted about that 🙈❤️
But in general, thank you so much for your work Thais 💐🌸
Thanks for the feedback!
@@Alphacentauri819 aww I remember you commenting on my post! I'm OK, learning more day by day about the FA style, I hope your all OK too! 💐🙏🏻
Thank you Thais. I was physically and emotionally abused as a teenager from my stepmother. I struggled daily feeling unsure of my safety. Some of the things I often got in trouble of was not doing a chore to my stepmother’s perfection. I learned my safety depended on being “perfect” and even then I would do things to the best of my ability I get in trouble for things I didn’t even do (stuff her daughters did). One time she emptied every dish in the kitchen because she found a dish not cleaned probably. I have had to work on undoing the perfectionist critic within me. I am so different in the way I raise my daughter then the way I was raised.
To add more ... just a few facts of me ... I have PTSD... and I have grown so much through reprogramming and working on myself
Me too. I have C-PTSD and still struggle everyday even after years and years of intensive therapy. One of those people that have had a life target for abusive and toxic relationships with men. Always searching for a mom and I am 52. I feel like I have an irreparable hole. Medication resistant depression. I never feel safe.
My father was like this & projected this onto me. Dispite my efforts to perfect myself/ tasks, I gave up on it a long time ago, however I have been in a work environment for 18 yrs where even in receiving training on a task, if I error, it is made into a federal case, & to be honest it angers me alot. In my last relationship my ex who is a DA use to always say that I was "perfect" in a seemingly complimentary way which always made me feel sad & uncomfortable because I did my best to be vulnerable, open & honest- you know, show up. It is truely a conundrum.
This is me exactly, got into perfectionism so as to be considered the perfect child as opposed to my siblings as a coping mechanism which sipped into school work and being a bright kid this perharps made it worse I beat myself up for failing and now even at work I have these same tendencies to expect perfectionism from myself and I get angry and frustrated when I don't. I'm grateful for these videos as they're aiding me in reprogramming myself and understanding my perfectionism was tied to my need for safety
Well I took the quiz again and I am Fearful Avoidant equally to secure attachment style... Therefore, this work has changed me to equally secure!!!🙏🏻♥️😃🥰
this blew my mind, I've always struggled hard with perfectionism and did go through childhood trauma and to have it laid out that perfectionism is the coping mechanism woah. That's so accurate
Wow. the part from the authoritative parent onward really hit the nail on the head. felt like you were talking straight to me.
Honestly i dont care if your videos are 19 years long.
🤣
Agreed! :-)
Agreed!
When it comes to looks I don’t care that much but when it came to school I was very perfectionist over.
I didn’t think it was ok to ask for help, and that if I worked in a group it made me weak so I tried to do everything myself. It wasn’t until I met this boy in college that I learned it’s ok to ask for help and lean on people. I really loved that boy he made such an impact in my life. I think during that time I was getting a lot more secure, though somethings happened with new friends that started to bring it out again.
Thank you for sharing that insight with us :) - PDS team member
damn. knew i was fearful avoidant but hadn't thought about the fact that it mostly has to do with my older brother hitting me and feeling like my mom never believed me/took my seriously. and i am probably to hyper vigilant because sometimes my brother would be in a good mood and there wouldn't be any worry.. i remember i would always write myself notes after he would get in a fight with me that said "Addie, NEVER forgive charlie. stop doing nice things for him and trying to get him to like you. it only ever ends in your getting hurt" the number of times ive witten that note, I couldn't even tell you. been a people pleaser and an accepter of the breadcrumbs for as long as i can remember.
freaky. I used to write to myself the same way. To the point where I only recently realised that I'd really like to be a mom. A new friend asked "Did you always want to be a mom?" I said "No way. I never thought I'd have children." "Oh really, why?" It took me a while to remember that when I was a kid I'd write to myself never to have kids because I was so angry at my family that I wanted my bloodline to end.
It's crazy how anger can make you hurt yourself.
How could you not get value out of PDS content? Seriously haha it’s life changing and Thais is such a force for positive change and empowerment🙏🏼 😊 thank you!
Thanks Natalie - PDS team member
This makes so much sense. My husband gets so confused why I get nervous if I fee I haven’t done something right. Like he’ll come home and dinner might not be ready and I will be like are you mad at me? And he’s like why the hell would I be mad that you? I appreciate that you even are making dinner. But I will still have that response every time and think I’m a terrible wife and person if I fail.
This is so accurate. I see myself in every point you have made. Control is such a development arena for me. 😢
I needed this!!!!! Thanks for helping me change my mindset, which changes my entire life ❤️
Do you think the FA struggles with OCD more than other attachment styles? The way you described how FA's are usually perfectionists sounds like OCD is also a common comorbidity.
Best advice to any person regardless of attachment style is to be a good responsible parent to your own children.
@Personal Development School (long time member) your videos are so amazing. Thank you so much for everything. I am so 🙏. Very accurate for me. It feels so hopeful just putting words to something that has haunted me for years..
Happy you are gaining this awareness. Your patterns and behaviors are a result of adaptations to trauma! This is not who you are at your core. When you do the inner work you can clear the things that no longer serve you and you will let your true self shine - PDS team member
Absolutely me...I’m working to change the “don’t f it up” that is so unhealthy and working to adult myself...I’m working my way through the false stories I’d created due to this.
For me perfectionism comes from the not acceptance of who I am from my family, so I just thought many parts of me where bad or unacceptable or not lovable, or they were like: you shouldn’t be doing this in this way, do it in that way.. or yelled at.. so I got scared of making a small mistake or not being “perfect”, doing everything right because for the small things I was judged criticized and insulted..
After they stopped I just kept going retraumatizing myself trying to have everything “right”, “perfect”.. I will have to work on this.. I remember I wasn’t this way.. so yes.. Also perfectionism is reading between the lines of what may happen
great insights Alessia. Thanks for sharing with us - PDS team member
Thank you.. the last part is very important.. being okay with being imperfect or not having all together to heal
Releasing heavy sigh as I listen to this. Needed this message down to my core today. xD Thank you, Thais. ❤️🌻 I really appreciate you explaining these core concepts - especially this v important one. Really forced me to pause, hear myself, and appreciate my experience. Can get burnt out so easily during this stressful/scary time. It’s pulling up lots of old wounds & damaging habits (i.e., hyper-vigilance, self-isolating, controlling/masking, etc.) in me that I’ve been struggling to reprogram. I would really love a part 2 to this.
Thanks for this content, it's helping a lot. I struggle so much with self-blaming, I even blame myself for things such as 'so this afternoon with my boyfriend hasn't been the greatest, as the other ones were. That must be my fault somehow' and it's the most exhausting thing in the world. I can really feel the subconscious alarms when I allow myself to be vulnerable or not acting the certain way which I think is the best version of myself. Everytime I let down my mask I feel anxiety. And I think that's good. Because as you said, what do I have to fear, if I try to control other's perception of me I'm doing it because I don't think I'm lovable enough, or that I'm enough, and that's something I've struggled with all my life. I will start to be vulnerable, at my own pace.
Thanks for everything. I wish I had time to take your course and hear more about this, but until the end of exams, i don't think so.
This channel have helped me so much, I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago and I thought it was something that couldn’t be fix and I decided to give it a try to this. I study psychology and I was like “let me try with this” and I found your channel, I was able to know more about me and everything I watch a video and FA it’s like if you are describing me, I ended up finding out my now ex is an Dismissive Avoidant and I’m trying to understand us more just in case. I don’t think he will come back but I want to learn more for my future relationships.
Thais-- you are such a blessing. This content applies to me so spot on and I've been struggling with this so much. Its so exhausting and robbing the joy I experience from activities/passion projects that should be fun.
Also-- what is the name of the webinar you're referring to in this video (also on perfectionism)? I would love to access it! :)
Really wish I could afford the whole pds courses, I've been getting alot of value out of these TH-cam videos started watching about 3 weeks ago and everyday i feel hopeful that change is happening within me
I appreciate you doing this video. It's allowing me to understand self and to heal
Long before I knew about attachment theory, I had recognized that I had some issues around perfectionism and went hard in the other direction - more of a who cares approach, which I thought would help, but it was only a reinforcement of the all or nothing type thinking. Either putting everything into being perfect or putting no effort into anything. I completely missed any sort of a middle ground or the concept of putting in effort and accepting that it may not be perfect or that the imperfection isn't a reflection of who I am as a person.
Yes please to more perfectionism content! Thanks for another great video Thais :)
You're really a blessing. Thank you so much for the good work that your doing. Such INSIGHTFUL and life-changing information you make available to us ♥️🙏 sending Light & Love (to all)
Yikes, the rewriting the essay and obsessing over a stain is me!
I'm so glad I found those contents! Hope I can get my shit together. Thank you for your amazing work
When I was in High School specifically BOCES because I was doing film at the time, I wanted to make one project perfect as possible because my group had no idea how to get started and I was supposed to just edit clips that were taken, however, the deadline for this project was literally that Friday and I really didn't want to get a bad grade.
Unfortunately, I took control/over, and the girls I had grouped up with went and told the teacher, and well I got in trouble and had to apologize. I honestly felt a lot of things, I felt ashamed, upset, frustrated, and stressed out...all because I didn't want to get a bad grade.
It didn't help that at home I had a sister who says what was on her mind and was a dictator and parents who I felt didn't acknowledge what I did at school or projects I brought home. Because it felt like my siblings were being acknowledged for some if not all of the things they did while I was the sibling who was just there. I was constantly walking on eggshells and whenever we would clean the house I would also take over cleaning, for instance, the bathroom even though my little brother was supposed to be helping me.
(I can honestly think of more times I felt the need to be in control or perfect and felt that I shouldn't ask for help. I have my reasons for why I didn't want to get help and one of the sad reasons were being shy and the other reason was not being able to trust people and probably because of this I always felt that I was in trouble when someone wanted to see me even though I did nothing wrong.)
Dear Thais can you make a video on how to not criticize a partner too much?
I been looking for this. Please post more about this. ❤️❤️❤️
Really explains a lot, rooted in my childhood. Thanks!
Thank you 🥰
This was an amazing video!! it's like you can read my mind !!
Could you do a video on FA's abruptly ending a relationship and do they eventually come back. Feels unfinished.
on the receiving end of this. send help someone!
It really depends on the relationship and WHY the person ended it. I know for me (being an FA myself), the times that I ended the relationship was usually out of issues that were going on with me and not feeling good enough or present enough to be in the relationship. I tended to feel a lot of pressure about what I wasn’t doing right, how I wasn’t showing up and became really fearful that I wasn’t good enough or that the person may leave me because I wasn’t all they wanted me to be. Unfortunately it took me to watch these videos to realise this was more to do with deep rooted insecurity and significant attachment issues than the relationship itself. I always came back but there was a lot of damage done that ultimately affected our relationship overall. I was with a DA though which fed into my thoughts of not being safe or secure untop of it all.
Hello! Loving PDS. Quick one - There"s a tab "my courses" and each time I click, the courses are jumbled up so I usually type in the search box for the course I am looking for. With the new courses, where do we find them?
Does a membership give you access to ALL courses?!
Yes, it does. Honestly, inside the school there is so much info!
The monthly memberships yes. There are also lots of helpful tools and resources in the members lounge and you also have access to the live webinars where you can ask specific questions to Thais.
It is so worth it, honestly. The community is full of lovely people on the same journey too
@@Alphacentauri819 I'm afraid I'll feel overwhelmed by all of the content. Have you felt that?
I feel truly seen. Not a common experience for me.
Can you do a video on all the attachment styles and having bipolar and/or personality disorders. I’ve been kind of doing my own research on it, but I’d love to hear you speak on these. Does having a mental health issue change the attachment style etc. Thanks!
This is accurate.
Is disorganized attachment the same as borderline?
No, but it’s a good question. borderline is a personality disorder that’s pervasive across time. Attachment styles are more specific: how we relate in close relationships. They could both be present in someone or just one could. It may be that people with borderline personality disorder are more likely to have a fearful avoidant attachment style but the reverse may not be true, because personality disorders are rarer in the population.
“ ..... downtime is considered wasted time.” Ok seriously I am more convinced that either I’m starring in The Truman Show sequel or my brain has been wire taped since birth. 🤯 My FA brain: “ How does she know all this about me 🤔 ....She literally just said exactly what I have thought or done at some point 😧.... Is she talking to me? 🤭....Is my video on or something, can she see me? 🧐....ok really how the 🤬 does she know this .... yup she is for sure is talking about me! 😧.... there officially has been a breech, 😱 I am exposed! 👀.... I need to retreat, 🏃🏼♀️and hide immediately 🙈 even though I’m sitting alone in my car... 😳...in my driveway! .... you mean to tell me that I’m not special with my psychic-like mind reading talent, or my GoGo Gadget like abilities in staying steps ahead? 🥺 ....damn it Thais, stop giving away the recipes to my secret sauce..... at least until I am confident in using your ingredients! 😜 Really though... thank you, this is life changing stuff. It is very much needed and very much appreciated, more than I can express in words.
Can you advise on how to talk to an FA about the relationship.
Two days ago I said to my FA bf in a very calm neutral way "I noticed that you're developing a habit of talking over me..." Eventually he replied "Fine. I just won't talk anymore." He has basically shut down on me since. I don't know how to talk to him where he can listen to what I'm saying. FAs in the chat, can you explain this to me?
He might have taken it as judgement or criticism. On a bad day I would take it as a bit snarky and passive-agressive, regardless of the tone. Are you familiar with nonviolent communication (method created by Marshall Rosenberg)? I find it very helpful in formuating thoughts so that they do not seem hurtful to others. Following the rules of this method you would say something like "I feel sad/a bit annoyed because I have a need to be heard/share my thoughts with you. Could you wait until I finish before you respond to what I'm saying?" I'm an FA and this type of communication works wonders for me. However my DA partner can hear criticism even in these type of statements. I recommed giving it a try and checking if your parner becomes more responsive.
Is it more effectivefor an AA to learn to self soothe when not in a romantic relationship?
Do grade school teachers also count as scary adults that can create FA tendencies? My parents were more negligent than scary, but it seemed that many of my grade school teachers would lose their tempers in front of the class or give out an unfair punishment. Sometimes being perfect wasn’t enough to avoid missing recess.
Do you give 1 on 1 therapy?
Any tips on how to get a dismissive female Ex to Open up? It has been amost 2.5months since break up. Thank you :)
Nice
2:42
Would ur mum having post natal depression when you were born have an effect on you subconsciously in this way?
Dismissive avoidant would be more of the attachment formed from a post natal depressed mother.
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool hmm interesting, cos my mum had it with me and i did the quiz and got something like half FA and half AA
@@rachelmaree4712 hmmm interesting... I am going to look into this more - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 👍🏻
This is my video ahahaha