I'm in a situationship that always seems to be in the power struggle. 1-1/2 years in and there's always a new dynamic to unravel. Plus, there's a 3rd person involved. She dated someone who's toxic for her. Yet, she can't seem to get over him. And she turns to me for validation, soothing and emotional regulation. So, it's even more complicated. AND it's long distance! lol
We are. Very unfun. I want excitement again... & for about 8 years, however it's more pronounced whenever we cohabitate. We miss one another when we are in a distant relationship & when in close quarters we have zero vulnerability & both over-defensive resulting in bickering & constant head-butting over things neither care about. It's exhausting. The exhaustion is finally outweighing my love.
Now that I'm doing math, possibly longer than 8 years. I believe we split up soon after we entered the PS phase. We entered it seemingly very soon. Maybe within 2 years. We lived in separate states the first 2.5 years. Then cohabitated and it was nearly as terrible as this go-round of cohabitation, but we wouldn't have known based on the long distance relating each time. This time we thought we could really be balanced and harmonious. It's anything but both.
I think we just entered it! Thankfull, I did due diligence and did my self-work (including with PDS!) while I was still single. As soon as it started, I was like "!! It's here! Makes sense, we have been together 6 months!". So now I'm reviewing how to navigate it. We are both doing well with it. The Point #3 was really useful for me - I realized that I was infatuated with his stoicism and emotional stability (that could also be read as emotional coolness) whereas I tend to have strong emotional responses. And that adopting some of his stoicism would help me keep my cool and speak the same "language" as him when talking about things we are not fully aligned on yet. Thank you for this information! I hope we get to navigate this more difficult phase well!
Trait integration work, incredibly powerful, I was the more laid back calming partner and my FA leaning DA ex liked that when we started dating. She said it felt so nice and calming. Then when we entered the power struggle stage she resented how I wasn't as upbeat/social as her. Obviously, she didn't communicate vulnerably and assumed it wasn't meant to be
I’m going through exactly this. Similar kind of resentment from her, among others, and she’s probably DA. We struggle with all three steps in the video. We’re in the process of breaking up for the second time, after three and a half years. The first time came after 8 months, and for similar reasons. We got back together 6 weeks later (3 weeks of no contact). The Power Struggle phase is a b!tch.
I've often heard the thing that makes you fall in love is the thing you'll end up leaving the person over. Hearing about trait integration in relation to power struggle phase really provides another layer to this.
Something I've both noticed and experienced related to the example in no. 1 & 2 is that especially with families where criticism, embarrassing anecdotes and deprecating remarks are standard, a new partner coming into that dynamic can (often subconsciously) see a route to winning acceptance through joining in, particularly at the expense of family member they're dating. And since in this dynamic often comes with implicit or explicit sentiments that your partner needs someone who can "deal with them" or "keep them in line," piling on can be effective in winning over the family-but almost inevitably at the expense of sabotaging the actual relationship. It can happen in friends groups, work cliques, all sorts of social settings as well. I try to watch out for these sort of "mob mentality" dynamics because it is so easy to get sucked into and end up saying things you don't really mean, and can never take back.
This. My ex was adored by my family, whenever there was a family function they'd just all make fun of and criticize me and have a big laugh about it. And whenever I tried to say it was hurtful, the response was inevitably that I can't take a joke 😑
Wow this video couldn’t be more timely. Thais, I can’t even express how much your videos validate and help me understand myself and those I care about. I’m FA and struggled with addiction in the past. You give me hope when I’m feeling hopeless. Thank you.
Thank you for such an important video. I think the trait integration aspect is such a game changing way of looking at it and makes sense. What could show more acceptance and love to someone than intentionally allowing ourselves to be more like them and see the good in their traits, even when different from us?
I'm amazed at how timely this is! I'm seeing a woman that I think may be DA and my knowledge thus far, plus this, is great to keep under my hat. It's helped me to depersonalize and give her time to process things, and it's working very well so far. Thank you so much for this!
Great information. I lost a man that I dearly loved, twice, when we got to the power struggle stage. I hope I will have a chance to do it better next time.
I think I did share vulnerably with a friend, who was supposed to be meeting me in a place which was complicated to get to for both of us, but wasn't telling me a time or a place and I said 'I know you like to be lighthearted and flexible, but in this situation I need to plan, (there was a strike on and I had to get there and get back for my dog), so can I suggest we meet up in such and such a place at such and such a time. It just means I can get there and get back for my dog right. So she agrees but turns up 1 and a half hours late. We're meeting another friend and they meet each other immediately. This suggests to me that she's told the other friend to meet her at a later time, but not told me that. I then don't say anything but I go and do something in the area we're meeting that I want to do instead of standing around waiting. I meet both of them. We have a nice time, but I don't say anything to her. The next time I speak to her by text she cuts me off half way through the conversation and starts sending me random emojis. Now I'm not sharing vulnerably, I don't think. I say 'are you ghosting me? I was just talking to you and you're sending me banana emojis'. She says no and texts 'here's another one'. I say that has come across as rude and if she cannot talk she can just say she is busy and we'll talk another time. She apologises and says we'll talk another time, but doesn't text or call. I don't text or call. After a couple of months she sends me an instagram link with no words which I don't reply to. After another couple of months she invites me to something at short notice, which I say no to, but I send some other dates which I could make. She says no to this. No further contact. I just want to say two things: sometimes you share vulnerably but the other person is pushing your boundaries, and the other thing is how would I have continued to share vulnerably when she was late and another person was there?
!["ซี - เอมี่ " ย้อนความรัก 19 ปี ที่ต้องทนกันและกัน... | แฉ 22 ต.ค. 67 [2/3] | GMM25](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ykv9ILzatHM/mqdefault.jpg)
Who is currently in the power struggle of their relationship? How long have you been there?
I'm in a situationship that always seems to be in the power struggle. 1-1/2 years in and there's always a new dynamic to unravel. Plus, there's a 3rd person involved. She dated someone who's toxic for her. Yet, she can't seem to get over him. And she turns to me for validation, soothing and emotional regulation. So, it's even more complicated. AND it's long distance! lol
We are. Very unfun. I want excitement again... & for about 8 years, however it's more pronounced whenever we cohabitate. We miss one another when we are in a distant relationship & when in close quarters we have zero vulnerability & both over-defensive resulting in bickering & constant head-butting over things neither care about. It's exhausting. The exhaustion is finally outweighing my love.
About 2 months now 😢
Now that I'm doing math, possibly longer than 8 years. I believe we split up soon after we entered the PS phase. We entered it seemingly very soon. Maybe within 2 years. We lived in separate states the first 2.5 years. Then cohabitated and it was nearly as terrible as this go-round of cohabitation, but we wouldn't have known based on the long distance relating each time. This time we thought we could really be balanced and harmonious. It's anything but both.
I think we just entered it! Thankfull, I did due diligence and did my self-work (including with PDS!) while I was still single. As soon as it started, I was like "!! It's here! Makes sense, we have been together 6 months!". So now I'm reviewing how to navigate it. We are both doing well with it. The Point #3 was really useful for me - I realized that I was infatuated with his stoicism and emotional stability (that could also be read as emotional coolness) whereas I tend to have strong emotional responses. And that adopting some of his stoicism would help me keep my cool and speak the same "language" as him when talking about things we are not fully aligned on yet. Thank you for this information!
I hope we get to navigate this more difficult phase well!
Remember, this is a natural part of the relationship cycle. If navigated properly and intentionally it will bring you to the next level!
You've been helping me in countless ways for almost a year now. I don't know what I'd do without your help & support! Thank you!! 🙏💝
Trait integration work, incredibly powerful, I was the more laid back calming partner and my FA leaning DA ex liked that when we started dating. She said it felt so nice and calming. Then when we entered the power struggle stage she resented how I wasn't as upbeat/social as her. Obviously, she didn't communicate vulnerably and assumed it wasn't meant to be
I’m going through exactly this. Similar kind of resentment from her, among others, and she’s probably DA. We struggle with all three steps in the video.
We’re in the process of breaking up for the second time, after three and a half years. The first time came after 8 months, and for similar reasons. We got back together 6 weeks later (3 weeks of no contact).
The Power Struggle phase is a b!tch.
This is golden in all sorts of relationships and across different stages, not just in power struggle stage. We should all learn this.
thanks for your comment ❤
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool It is my pleasure. Finding this channel and learning about all this personal development stuff is life changing.
I've often heard the thing that makes you fall in love is the thing you'll end up leaving the person over. Hearing about trait integration in relation to power struggle phase really provides another layer to this.
Something I've both noticed and experienced related to the example in no. 1 & 2 is that especially with families where criticism, embarrassing anecdotes and deprecating remarks are standard, a new partner coming into that dynamic can (often subconsciously) see a route to winning acceptance through joining in, particularly at the expense of family member they're dating. And since in this dynamic often comes with implicit or explicit sentiments that your partner needs someone who can "deal with them" or "keep them in line," piling on can be effective in winning over the family-but almost inevitably at the expense of sabotaging the actual relationship. It can happen in friends groups, work cliques, all sorts of social settings as well. I try to watch out for these sort of "mob mentality" dynamics because it is so easy to get sucked into and end up saying things you don't really mean, and can never take back.
This. My ex was adored by my family, whenever there was a family function they'd just all make fun of and criticize me and have a big laugh about it. And whenever I tried to say it was hurtful, the response was inevitably that I can't take a joke 😑
@@elenamoro182 I've heard this before. My response now is along the lines of "If the person being joked about isn't laughing, it's not a joke."
I love the point about communicating in a vulnerable way! Thais has the best communication scripts!
❤
I'm also learning to integrate traits from my exes that I admired.
that's a great idea
Thanks, Thais, for the work you're doing. I agree that things we're initally attracted to often lead to a curious reversal later.
Wow this video couldn’t be more timely. Thais, I can’t even express how much your videos validate and help me understand myself and those I care about. I’m FA and struggled with addiction in the past. You give me hope when I’m feeling hopeless. Thank you.
You're welcome! Thank you for your comment :)
Wow, the trait integration part of this video is sooooo eye -opening.
❤
Thank you so much for this! Truly!
The trait integration work is great information.
All of your videos are extremely helpful. I learn so much from everyone of them!! 👍
Great to hear it Joan! ❤
Thank you for such an important video. I think the trait integration aspect is such a game changing way of looking at it and makes sense. What could show more acceptance and love to someone than intentionally allowing ourselves to be more like them and see the good in their traits, even when different from us?
I’d say I’m in the power struggle phase again as my wife is healing past trauma from an ex after 17 years together
I need to watch this one 2 or 3 times. It's just too much to absorb all at once. Thank You Thais!
❤
Thank you for this
Where’s the link to the trait video?
I'm amazed at how timely this is! I'm seeing a woman that I think may be DA and my knowledge thus far, plus this, is great to keep under my hat. It's helped me to depersonalize and give her time to process things, and it's working very well so far. Thank you so much for this!
Great information. I lost a man that I dearly loved, twice, when we got to the power struggle stage. I hope I will have a chance to do it better next time.
I have high hopes this is going to save my relationship this is good stuff thank you
As always, an amazingly helpful video!
Glad you think so! thank you ❤
I think I did share vulnerably with a friend, who was supposed to be meeting me in a place which was complicated to get to for both of us, but wasn't telling me a time or a place and I said 'I know you like to be lighthearted and flexible, but in this situation I need to plan, (there was a strike on and I had to get there and get back for my dog), so can I suggest we meet up in such and such a place at such and such a time. It just means I can get there and get back for my dog right. So she agrees but turns up 1 and a half hours late. We're meeting another friend and they meet each other immediately. This suggests to me that she's told the other friend to meet her at a later time, but not told me that. I then don't say anything but I go and do something in the area we're meeting that I want to do instead of standing around waiting. I meet both of them. We have a nice time, but I don't say anything to her. The next time I speak to her by text she cuts me off half way through the conversation and starts sending me random emojis. Now I'm not sharing vulnerably, I don't think. I say 'are you ghosting me? I was just talking to you and you're sending me banana emojis'. She says no and texts 'here's another one'. I say that has come across as rude and if she cannot talk she can just say she is busy and we'll talk another time. She apologises and says we'll talk another time, but doesn't text or call. I don't text or call. After a couple of months she sends me an instagram link with no words which I don't reply to. After another couple of months she invites me to something at short notice, which I say no to, but I send some other dates which I could make. She says no to this. No further contact. I just want to say two things: sometimes you share vulnerably but the other person is pushing your boundaries, and the other thing is how would I have continued to share vulnerably when she was late and another person was there?
So so good Thais!
Thank you Andrea!
Such great experiences n explanations
Glad you are getting value from the video :)
do you offer 1 on 1 training ? am in a relationship and need advice
Don’t think will work with a DA.